The fate of the brainwashed child
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- Опубліковано 18 сер 2021
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I am a brainwashed child. Sided with my parents all the time. Never held them accountable. Enabled them. Codependent. Also golden child. Denied there was anything wrong (with them, with me). Developed my own set of narcissistic patterns. Denied there was anything wrong my whole life. My wife saw it, others saw it, I didn't. Because of my wife, I started going to therapy, developed some emotional sense, reconnected... I've been grieving for half a year now. Every "normal" family event now causes grief... it's just not what I thought it was. But it's so much better to be on this side of it... on the side of truth.
Wow--you are one of these rare persons Dr R was talking about! And I think you can use the past tense when referring to yourself as a brainwashed child. Kudos to you--and your wife who got you into therapy!
Thank you for sharing.
Truth is comforting! It is real! It is substantive.
That takes courage to face the truth when the truth is unpleasant. I wish my spouse would do this but he keeps his controlling, misogynistic father and ultra-submissive mother on a pedestal. He refuses to see them in anything other than ALL GOOD.
@@Star-dj1kw my exact situation. He was me.
I called out my Narcissistic partner for gaslighting the other day and he in-turn called me "judgemental". These guys are straight out of Satan's kingdom.
So happy this is finally noted! Instead of masking with what looks like power polish! Getting old people taking advantage of people who put in the work to not want to be apart of that! Although shows they wanted other's to be aware! I want you out of my life, you where never there for me unless it suited your delivery
I was a brain washed child - my whole childhood was spent serving my mother. I was never allowed to grow up and leave her control. I've lost years. The grief is huge. I don't belong anywhere anymore.
hi emily... can i ask how old you were when you woke up and what got you to see the light?
You belong where you are fulfilled. Go after your joy ❤
You belong girl you can too❤❤
I also lost 57 years. My grief is also huge.
This describes neighborhoods where everyone's afraid to stand up to bullies, and they think it's alright to bully a truthteller.
This happened. It Needs to Stop.
The narcissist will brainwash the child until it thinks just like they do. The child becomes the narcissist’s flying monkey.
I have seen that first hand. That not is soul destroying considering everything I have done to provide and make them successful. I don’t regret what I have done but when it is flat out being told that what I did read just what parents do. This was to the backdrop of my Narc wife not doing any of it but jumping in at the end all the time after I got everything done.
You all refer to the child as an it. I LUV it!!!! Keep it real guys!!!!
@@datpalmtreenigga1007 The child: it. The boy: he. The girl: she. Love it or not, it's grammar.
My son is 13 and he was taken 2 months ago
LOL, that is what I call my sibling and all of the relatives who follow suit...flying monkeys!
I was a brainwashed child. Three things took me out of it:
1) My mom did something so horrible, I couldn't justify it.
2) I went to therapy for a different issue and realized how much my mom was hurting me. I started my sessions with, "I love my mom. She's awesome. But she did something that upset me..."
3) When I knew something was wrong, I asked my scapegoat brother, "Does mom ever seem crazy to you?" He said, "YES!" and we had a long talk, where we realized Mom had been lying to us about the other to turn us against each other.
I stayed brainwashed for as long as I did because it was too painful to acknowledge that my mom didn't love me. Instead I put the blame on myself and thought if I tried harder, if I said the right thing, I could finally earn her love.
how old were you when you got out? Are you and your scapegoated brother on good terms now... did you have to apologize to him and was he open and forgiving?
Yeah I’m interested to hear about this too.
Wow!!! So helpful to make amends with 'they didnt love me'. Thank you thank you thank you!!!! This is such a clear message, I hope to everything holy you are coming through this and feeling more whole!!!
I was the brainwashed child. It took decades to realize this, but I made it out. When you’re the youngest child and under the influence of a narcissistic parent from birth, it’s hard to break that bond, but it can happen.
We are not bad people, just victims of Stockholm Syndrome. Please be patient and have some empathy. Thankfully, I was able to walk away from this nightmare scenario
This is my daughter's situation she has been brainwashed by my N wife, or maybe not? My N shows her lots of love (affection) but will never approach me with any affection whatsoever.
Yes. I've always referred to it as Stockholm Syndrome.
it can be stockholm syndrome or self conveniencing or both.
I believe Stockholm is used in the context of a captor/kidnapper and trauma bond is used in the context of abuse.
My sister is the brainwashed one in my family. It's awful to watch, she is so tied up in knots inside trying to satisfy a parent who was never satisfied. There was a chink in the armor once, and I told her about something that had happened to her as a child. She remembered the pain she had experienced but denied, and there's been more of a relationship between us since.
Until the narc turns on the brainwashed child. Then they temporarily talk trash with you about the narc parent only to turn on you days later out of guilt and shame. Such a messed up dynamic. I’ve been burned too many times by my brother this way.
I definitely think the brainwashed child has narcissistic tendencies as well. They won't call out the abusive behavior because they are in alignment with the dysfunction. They excuse the narc parent because they are vibrating at the same frequency. It is incredibly devastating to stand alone against an entire family of such soulless vampires. Best to go no contact, grieve the loss, and move forward.
👍👍👍
All human beings have at least one type of Freudian Narcissistic Trait out of Thousands of Types and Categories of Narcissism Behaviors!
I truly believe in the Narcissistic Traits based upon Freudian Narcissistic Behavioral And how to adapt from those Human Characteristics, BUT IT WOULD SEEM THAT ALL OF THE WORLD WANTS TO USE THIS TERM & WORD DEFINITION TOO LOOSELY....
NARCISSIST BEHAVIORAL HEALTH THERAPY SCIENCE HAS BEEN AROUND FOR MANY DECADES FOR THE WORLD TO JUST BE RECOGNIZING THE WORD "NARCISSIST" AS A GENERAL WORD AND A MISUSED DEFINITION AT THAT!!
I am think that people should become more familiar with the fact that EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS SOME DISTINCT TRAITS OF NARCISSISM, OTHERWISE YOU WOULD NOT HAVE A HUMAN BRAIN, EMOTION, FEELINGS, ALL TYPES OF ADDICTIONS (chocoholics etc..), PATTERNS, AND TRAITS FROM GENETIC X/Y DNA, AND TRAITS FROM EVERY DAY HABITS.
Narcissist Behavior can be from a Freudian Scale to Minimal or Extreme Sociopathic Level. The same goes for Emotions and Addictive Personality's.. ALL HUMANS HAVE THESE SAME TRAITS...
YOU WOULD NOT BE HUMAN WITHOUT SOME LEVEL OF THESE PERSONALITY & BEHAVIORAL TRAITS!! EVEN ANIMALS HAVE THESE BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS!
BUT NOW EVERYONE IS THROWING AROUND THE WORD NARCISSIST AS IF IT IS AN EXCUSE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR, OR EXCUSING THEIR CRIMINAL ACTIONS IN SOCIETY, WHEN NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIORAL TYPES RANGE FROM A SMALL SCALE AND GO UP TO A SERIAL KILLERS NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATHIC BEHAVIOR!!!
Beware of those who try to use the word as if to EXCUSE them FROM THEIR ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS!!! 😇
@@juliedeschenes4612 well said agreed
So sad but yes you just have to move on
I am the targeted parent. The divorce was back in the 90s. I lost one of my three children to this. Over the years I've come to the conclusion that my ex is a covert narc. I'm grateful that I still have two of my children. Even they are frustrated over my lost child. I did all that I could but as time went by I had to get through my grieving and accept the fact that she's not coming back. The few times I saw her I was amazed how much she is like to the other parent. So she is operating on similar wavelengths. I think what you said has considerable merit.
I was brainwashed since childhood that I am mentally challenged and would not survive the world outside of my adoptive family.
The adoptive parents have passed away (2013 and 2016) and yet, I'm still here. No state facility, hospital or extended family takes care of me 24/7 nor am I homeless.
I must be doing something right.
You just described my sister. She’s so brainwashed that she cut off her relationship with us.
It feels like I was brainwashed in my preteen years, but it feels more like I learned denial as a primary coping mechanism in a multigenerational, highly narcissistic family. I remember thinking I had a great, loving parent and family when the opposite was the truth.
Yep me too I found out about my husband that was Devastating enough and that I would show these videos to my mom and she started attacking me I was thinking why is she so nasty what the Hecks going on I realize these videos were describing her. I had to stop the denial face that’s why I ended up with a husband like this because of what she did to me my feelings didn’t madder I had no rights at home she I payed rent but had no rights my brother (the golden child) did what ever he wanted she would say don’t let the door hit me in the ass on the way out . She never protected me from anything!
@@aliceroberts1980 Hi Alice I had one of those mothers. Just wanted to say hi. We're not alone, are we? lol
Me too. I was the golden and the brainwashed child until I became an adult.
Same.
I used to "suck up" just to survive and now I struggle to not do it with other abusive people. Yuck.
There is no golden child in our dynamic. It's just me and my mom. I have a bad memory, which is why I tend to forget a lot of details about stuff that has happened or things my mother said to me. She has the "I'm your mom I can say anything and you shouldn't feel insulted" kind of mentality so that's fun. One day, a cousin studying abroad called, and me and my other cousins (who were living with me) could tell she was really homesick and depressed so we attended her call and sat together while we talked about anything and everything on speakers. My mistake? Prior to attending the phone call my mother had asked me to massage her feet. And I forgot because of the phone call. My mom fell asleep for a while and when she woke up, she saw that my cousins and I were laughing and that enraged her. She spilled out so much hate that day. Just yelling and shouting and screaming at the top of her lungs. "HOW DARE YOU GIVE MORE IMPORTANCE TO YOUR COUSIN THAN ME? I AM YOUR MOTHER! AND I TOLD YOU TO MASSAGE MY FEET!" Right in front of my cousins. The words she said to me that night....I didn't want to forget them. But I knew I would. So once the storm was over, I wrote them down. I was in such a hurry, I was already starting to forget. Today I found the journal I'd written the words in as I had hidden it far away. She said:
"You're the worst from the three of them (refering to my autistic, non verbal siblings). YOU are the problem in my life, not them. I show everyone that you're some kind of princess, I speak of your character and present you like a great personality in front of everyone else. I hide your real nature from the world! You're intolerable. You're a failure. You can't even study properly without getting these so called anxiety attacks, and you're incapable of doing anything else. Remember my words, I will beat you to death if you don't get good grades. All that fake support I showed you is finished."
I just used to say my mom's a negative person because I didn't know what narcissism was until a friend said "uh...I think your mom is a narc" and that's how I searched it up and found your videos. You've given me hope. You've made me realize I'm not the problem, I never was. Thank you.
I’m the “Awakened Brain-washed Child” - and fortunately I woke up at 68yrs old when narc betrayed me. Thank You for giving me the language that describes the role I played as I heal! 🙏
This describes my oldest sister- toxic enabler, brainwashed, Pollyanna and defender of our brutally violent and verbally abusive father. She blames his behavior totally on our mother. She even enables our deceased father’s narc wife. And my sister is 70.
@ Gertrude - I don't understand why it is wrong to point out that the "brutally violent & verbally abusive" person is wrong. It doesn't make sense. By not condemning something so blatantly wrong, it seems you would be enabling it. Why should someone's parent be exempt? It seems doubly wrong if it's a parent. If someone assaults another person on the streets, they are arrested & prosecuted. Can someone help me understand?. I don't get it.
@@venusrising6554 Abusive families function in many ways much like a cult. The violence, physical and verbal; has become normalized. It is something seen on a regular basis year after year; a slow but forcible indoctrination as to the different roles each family member will play.
For some people the thought of rebuking this family cult is earth shattering, they will not rebel, and / or they benefit from the role they play.
PS. earth shattering; you are asking a brainwashed person to undo a belief system that was developed during childhood and has been practiced their entire lives.
My older sister was the same way. We are both in our 30s and I moved in with my bio dad when I was 13 after he found out about the years of physical and verbal abuse. My sister shamed me all thru my teenage years when I needed her to help form the woman I was becoming. We don't communicate now because she says I am the most ungrateful and selfish person she has ever met. I hate knowing she will never love me the way I wish my big sister did. She spends holidays with my abusers and loves them unconditionally and this is how things will always be. * hugs * I feel your pain and hope for the best for you.
Gertrude I am so sorry to hear this. I am the blamed mother and it feels horrible. The fact that your sister is 70 makes my heart break for all of you. I am glad you have found a Channel like this so all of us are kind of United in enlightenment. It hurts when it’s your family. I wish I was dealing with a narc boss lol but it’s my ex husband and my daughter. I live with a broken heart but get light when I read it see things like this. You will be in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing this.
@AM NOMAD - Thanks...
So tragic.
It sounds like the brainwashed child strongly identifies with the narcissistic parent, either due to sharing narcissistic traits with the parent or as a survival mechanism similar to Stockholm Syndrome. It can be hard to learn ego differentiation as an adult when you had not been allowed to develop into a separate person. The inclination to empathize with difficult people to anticipate their emotions and needs, so as to keep them from hurting you can be a tough habit to break. This multi-generational pattern keeps adult children enmeshed with their parents, with the child acting as best friend and servant to their parents. The adult child is living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (credit to Susan Forward for the acronym).
Great insight in your comment, thanks very much
In my case I have been the victim to my Narcissistic husband. With whom I was married to for almost 19 yrs before he died suddenly of heart complications in March 2021. He likely died of "Vroken Heart Syndrome" as I learned he had been in yet another longterm physical affair of 4½ yrs & she broke up with him 10 days before he passed. Going thru his phone & learning how he had manipulated me or love bombed me to stay. He was too busy going thru his mental issues over his breakup that he failed to turn in his Evidence of Insurability to validate his life insurance policy + didn't even have $1 in his wallet, hid that he owed the irs $20000 for the past 4 yrs, privately maxed out his truck loan & now when I sell it I'll owe more to top it off. He put on 100,000 on 1 yr driving 500 miles round-trip to see his girlfriend almost every wk!
I was left without anything but I'm fighting to keep it all together but oue son's have completely refused to help with anything. We have a home & yard that's almost a city block big. It's hard on me being disabled to push myself thru & takes me 20x longer to get the man work done. Wish my boys could see I was NOT the toxic parent. I couldn't brainwash or manipulate anyone no matter how hard I could try. My oldest son became 10x worse as a Narcissist & he is 18! He turned pure evil on me after his dad died. My youngest son at 14 is a brain washed child & he too turned on me terribly. It's been a rough 19 yr marriage but even worse when it occurs nonstop when your 2 only children are now the Narcissist & brainwashed. 😢
A lot of narcs show up here, trolling as victims. Beware people!
@@michellefarris3961 yeah, I experienced something like that a week or two ago. Username Doctor Sleep. They were attempting to trivialise, invalidate and gaslight. I could see it for what it was immediately but when I challenged them over their comments they accused me of being a narc and tried to gaslight me even more
This is me trauma bonded thro 2 x toxic parents had to align with one now they're worse than ever and im sickened by them ✌
I had to almost die before I realised I was a brainwashed child.
Narcissistic parents are killers, and I didn't want people to comfort my murderers at my funeral.
I’m married to a narc ; We have a 10 year old daughter (only child) who became brainwashed about one year ago. I filed for divorce almost 3 years ago. The loss cuts so deep it’s indescribable; and as a father who wants and needs to protect his one and only child I feel mostly helpless; I don’t feel hopeless. My soon to be co parent is taking away the close loving, trusting bond between father and daughter . What a crime.
I agree completely--it is a crime. I'd make it a felony.
How are things going now...its 1 year later.
@@stephr9859 I'm so very very sorry for you.
@@Heavens-Humanaterian-ArmyWow , Thank you for asking. I had a fair and impartial judge ; I received 50/50 co parenting with overnights 50% of the time. After the 1st two overnights at my new home my daughter refused to spend the night. My ex ignores the judges decision Her and her mother literally invented some fake drama. I’ve been divorced for about 13 months now. My daughter lets me pick her up from school and bring her to my house for dinner but doesn’t spend the night. I have taken her on three out of state visits to my father where she enjoyed herself and spent several nights there. We’re not close but she does occasionally open up to me but she’s usually very guarded in her conversations. She’s 12 and a half now ; I’m just trying to keep the pressure off of my daughter and rebuild my life.
Yes it's a crime and do you ever hear of any repracussions against the alienating parent? You're not the first nor will you be the last father to go through this.
The brainwashed siblings doesn't just "sorta kinda re-traumatize," this is what they live for! I've placed each of their phone numbers on "block" indefinitely and my life has been stress free.
Yep
I woke up from the brainwashing 3 years ago and had a huge breakdown. It has been quite a climb, facing hard truths, I was an enabler, I couldn't make a decision without my Dad's approval. Now I am self-actualised.
How old were you when you realized?
How old were you when you realized?
You described my sister's relationship with my parents perfectly.
Mine too!
My brother and my son
Yep. My brother and sister. Though my other siblings share a great deal of this.
Omg same...
My sisters, exactly like that. No matter how abusive my father to me, they always blame me. They're supporting each other though, so when my sisters treated me badly and i fought back, my father would blame me.
Love this!!! Dealing with this now. They become so defensive of the narc parent, it’s mind boggling! No matter what you say, they just don’t get it.
Thanks for sharing this Dr. Ramani.
The "brainwashed child" in my life is my husband who thinks his narcissistic parent is "normal" and my family of origin is something akin to "toxic positive" because verbal and emotional abuse is not a part of our daily lives.
Toxicity was such a normal part of his growing up years, that he sees that as normal. He can't see that his parent is creating trouble in our lives now. I feel sorry for him, but I also see that there's no way he'll ever see the real truth.
I grew up totally isolated in my own family. I was a brainwashed golden child. I was only noticed for being well behaved and compared to my sisters. I haven’t seen my eldest sister for 4 years. That was at the funeral of my middle sister. Who I had not seen since my parents divorce 30 years ago.
My mother hung on to me kept me stuck with her until I was 51 years old. I had a breakdown and couldn’t look after her anymore. I finally got my own place and life. Then I got a narcissist partner who tormented me for 3 years.
I am away from him now and I can see now what a mess my life has been. I feel so sad.
Sounds like you are finally narc free, which is a good thing.
Wow that is a really harsh story I'm happy that you got out of that situation. It took a major event to break free .
Did anyone ever tell you what was happening? Would it have helped?
I'm the Brainwashed Child. But also the Helper Child. This last year at the beginning of the pandemic, I started my transformation out of that role. This is very hard to watch.
It’s good you have recognised this. Keep going, you can do it!!!
@@cannonballlight4939 thank you.
I was 100% the Brain Washed Golden Child. Lucky for me I've always been naturally curious about psychology and as far back as I can remember I always inherently knew something was wrong with my family. Almost 7 years ago I finally ✂️cut the umbilical cord (my words) and I have been going through ALL the stages of grief, letting go of a family I thought "loved" me. It's been wonderful and terrible. It's like I'm a teenager again at 41 years old. Seriously what it feels like to break free from that abuse at the age of 35.
I'm so thankful for you Dr Ramani. I'll say it over and over you definitely saved my sanity! I love you!!💖
I just woke up few months back..n right now terrified of the lies and brainwash I was subjected to...at 45 i discovered all my life has been a lie...m so scared now of people in general ..kinda lost my axis
My son came home at 16 after a year of enduring the abuse. Thank you for talking on this, it really made it connect when the choas seems to not make sense.
Seems like you just described my brainwashed child just now. I’m an alienated /target parent, who suffered under my narcissist spouse for 20 years. But my brainwashed child just doesn’t see it. For him, he was the best and saw the best interest for everyone. I’m just waiting for the lightbulb moment for him and my younger one
My heart goes out to you. As a parent, it's hard knowing the truth, biting your tongue and watching as your children are deceived and, at various times, see it all for what it is and mourn for what it isn't. I wish you and yours all the best...
I am in a very similar situation- so sorry. Let’s hold the light up. I can’t give up
This is me as well. Fortunately, their dad was suddenly bereft of his current supply recently, and the mask began to slip and crack. Kids are waking up...
This is my golden child brother sadly, who I no longer have a relationship with.
I was the scapegoat , and sadly brainwashed by mom into my fifties. I was a fighter though ….. so I finally am No contact for three years now. My entire rest of family remain in denial. It is gutwrenching but peaceful. Trauma recovery from my narc “ fleas” from this family is hard but so worth it . Bless this community.♥️🌎♥️
My kids are these, because the narcissistic x uses money and manipulation.so they see the world as he does. They are now young adults but still see the narcissistic parent as perfect because he doesn't ever correct the childrens behavior but rather please them all the time to keep them believing his lies. It is too painful to see how the kids turning out, lacking empathy etc.....
My brother! We have no contact to this very day. It’s been years since I spoke with him, but that’s not a surprise. My narc mother passed away in 2001, and he was loyal to her to the very end. He has no clue that he’s been brainwashed.
Exactly same scenario here. Only our mum died 2002. Sickening.
Me too. 2014. Got the whole family to scapegoat me
Brainwashed child describes it perfectly! My eldest sister is the Brainwashed Child of my family and she did my narcist mother's bidding for her till her death. She can't and refuses to realize it and and make all kind of excuses for our mother and say she forgives here for her wrongdoings. She's always been in denial but I also often wonder if she wasn't as damaged and scared like I am?
"Did you know our mother doesn't really love you and enjoys your misery?"
👆 That's basically what you're saying to the brainwashed child. Good luck with that.
It was hard enough for all of us the accept that our parents were narcissists. And, even for normal children, knowing that your parents are evil is NOT something most people will want to accept.
I almost had a nervous breakdown when I fully acknowledged that my mother was a narcissist. The pain and grief were unimaginable. I can understand why someone wouldn't want to face it. But even still, I can't have an enabler in my life, so I still stay away from siblings.
Me too I have to keep reminding myself she not my friend she doesn’t care about me it’s Devastating I thought finding out my husband is a Narcissist was bad enough than I found out my mothers is one too.
@@aliceroberts1980 Take comfort in knowing the devastation is only temporary if you let it be.
Finding out the truth is a gift, even though it's painful, because now we can do everything in our power to change our lives.
Wishing you well.
It makes me think of that famous star wars scene.
Darth "NO, I am your father"
Luke " NOO !! That's Impossible ! NOOOOOO"!!!
@@LSMH528Hz
and that's why my scapegoat-sibling couldn't face it.
It's better to face it then contuing to buy the lie. Honestly, Jesus knew that all this would happen. Sometimes people might make a god out of their parent. And we aren't supposed to remain childlike. We are to grow our wings and soar. I pray that you run to God. He will heal your heart.
My narc mom always accused me of being "brainwashed" because of my narc dad (because she thought I didn't know). Took more time to realize what an awful, narcissistic person she is as well.
We need a video on how to help a child deal with having narcissistic parents. Specifically a narcissist mom. How do I help my daughter accept mom's inability to love?
A book called daughter detox by Peg Streep was very helpful to me --- but I wouldn't try to "help" your child if they are in this brainwashed state and you try to suggest certain ideas they will double down on the blindness --- if your child seems they are aware of what's going on tho, starting to come out of the brainwashing on their own, I recommend this book!
I was the brainwashed child. My dad would put me up to doing his dirty work. He brainwashed me to be used as his scapegoat. It took me years to figure this out for myself. It has damaged my sense of trust. I trusted that my dad wanted what was best for me, but in the end he was just using me. My first marriage mirrored this relationship perfectly. When I divorced her I could finally see how she treated me just like my dad. I cut off his entire side of the family and a sister who still defends him. The last thing I said to her was “how can you defend your abuser?” She didn’t like that and hasn’t spoken to me since.
Grooming you. I believe that is one of the most insidious tactics an abuser uses to manipulate the children.
My ex started very obvious grooming of our child 2 years before we escaped.
The Dad would wake the child in the middle of the night to hurl insults, abuse towards me after Dad had knocked me to the ground (amongst other situation abuse).
My child would be heaving (holding back vomit) to follow the Dad's commands.
I can't describe the anguish both the child and I went through just to survive.
I had untreated fractures in 3 vertebrae that I was recovering from when the "in your face" grooming started.
It's extremely strange in our situation because the child knew the Dad was majorly damaged from a very young age (Dad didn't hide his 2nd life from the child). The child, as young as 4 was telling me what I thought were very creative (made up weird stuff) stories .. one time the child asked me "why I married Dad" .. gave the usual because we love each other etc. explanation. The child looked at me and point blank said "You're stupid if you think Dad loves you. He HATES you!" .. I told the child that was a mean thing to say (denied his truth).
Turns out the child knew the Dad better than I.
I hope you are able to forgive yourself for the harms you were forced into committing. Our child held a lot of guilt for what Dad involved the child in. It's a slow process and it sucks to relive the experience, to work through it and pack that shit part of our time up so we can proceed to live a healthier self.
I hope 👆 makes some sense for you. I just have serious flashbacks to what my child was going through emotionally when these grooming incidents became obvious. My heart goes out to you as I've seen the direct effect on the child's psyche .. it's when I as a Mom realized the Dad had zero compassion/empathy for anyone, not even the child. They sure are good actors though
@@CJ-fs9gt I remember having similar conversations with my mother when I was a little child. But she has always been too codependent to see the truth. By the way, mom had a dysfunctional family of origin too. Even though she is in therapy for her depression, she is still a brainwashed enabler for my father currently.
I also was a brainwashed child ,except my mother was the one who dished out the dirty work.I was in denial for years, even friends said why do you keep going back.I also mirrored my mother and married someone exactly like her .Only after divorce did I realise she treated me like my mother.Its really hard to think this about your own parent, you feel so disloyal
@@CJ-fs9gt I'm so very sorry for the damage done to you and your child. All the more that, even after your escape, there are wounds so deep that need tending. I hope that you and yours are quick to heal so that you can have peace of mind and true joy for the remainder of your lives.
This happened to my oldest son age 10, and now my 9 year old son….. it’s so hard.
My sister. She's 43 and still doesn't get it. She still thinks that our abusive father was right and our loving mother, who gave everything to us - was wrong. I got over her unreasonable anger and now I teach my mom to stop feeling guilty for "being weak" or for "not being enough". Thank you for this conversation.
Me for 50 years. I believed the whole fairytale of our family. It didn't fall apart for me until my dad's Alzheimer's put him in the VA and mom's codependency had nowhere to go but me. Yes, I'm in therapy. Two years and counting. My elder brother is still very brainwashed. You're not wrong about the grief.
Yup, brainwashed for 39 years. The year of plague has given me time to watch you and other good psychologists to wake up about my narcissistic mother’s abuse and why she triggers my PTSD. Thank you for giving me the words to explain or name the evil I grew up in and hope that my children may never understand what narcissistic abuse is like. We work hard to break those chains so we can be free.
@Mary Carroll
I can relate to that, it being a great thing to not be expected to care for them towards the end. I went no-contact at 26, and there was the eldest child to take care of them, so that was seen from a distance. As you say, what a blessing!
@Mary Carroll
in more ways than one >> thankful for numerous reasons.
I was brainwashed as a child by my narc grandmother against my father. This was back in the days before “parental alienation” was a common term. When I started to believe the horrible things I was told & distance myself from my father, I started getting treated like the golden child for a brief period. For years, I lived with this lunacy & gaslighting while she had her enablers & flying monkeys. Then, I got away....and married a textbook narc! Fortunately, I got both out of my life decades ago.
@Victoria Bergman OMG! Too numerous to mention! Quickly, off the top of my head, he was a compulsive liar (lied about anything & everything, just for the sake of it), he was GRANDIOSE! (Swore he was destined to run a Fortune 500 company, be a real estate mogul, etc...all while in his 20s). Was always the smartest one in the room, everywhere he went. He would monopolize every conversation & you couldn’t get a word in edgewise, ever! He would browbeat you for hours until you saw things his way, no matter what...there could NEVER be a difference of opinion. Very controlling about what I wore, how I did my hair & eventually with money. Preyed on any insecurities, no matter how slight. Eventually, he’d mock people’s appearance, choice of clothes, taste in music, the way they spoke, etc. complained if I spoke to anyone while I was out in public...including a clerk at a store! Hindsight is always 20/20, but part of my dismissing SOME of these red flags was because I didn’t know what a normal dynamic was! He progressed to doing all of those things over the course of about 2 years. He was always a jerk, but it got progressively worse over time! Also, I didn’t discover his compulsive lies until after I was already married.
@Victoria Bergman never heard of them but ok. Quick to criticize everyone while their own house is a disaster.
@Victoria Bergman thanks but I’ll pass. I don’t have the mental energy for their BS. I’m trying to minimize my exposure to anything that will annoy me.
Yep. Cult education helped me with this one. Helped to break the spell. They isolate their child & feed them a family story, the child does not know that what they're in is not normal or healthy because it's been repeatedly drummed into them during development & they have no external examples to compare to. Couple that with threats, trauma & trauma bonds, etc.
Being raised in a actual cult filled with "brainwashed children " including myself until I was 11, this video really speaks to me. I'm the only one out of the whole family to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses. I definitely need a really good and patient therapist! Could you make a video on how to find a good therapist? Much love to you Dr. Ramani ❤
Hi, I also grew up in a cult. Took me years to find a good therapist. I had a few terrible ones, many good but not great ones, and one whom I felt safe and connected to. Look for someone who you feel safe with and look for someone who is good at reading your emotional state and doesn’t push too fast.
Please tell me how you got out and stayed out I can't break away from my toxic family no matter what I do and I used to think of Amish who joined the modern world and think if they can do it why can't I 🤷
You are not alone, I left the same cult. You can manage your family and you can thrive in your own life.
I woke up to the parental alienation situation when I realised I was dealing with a fresh shunning situation
You are not alone!! We are free!
I'm from the same cult too. Some therapists specialise in cults, but it's rare. One book is called combating cult mind control by Steve Hassan. There's a few other specialist writers in the field
This is EXACTLY the problem I have been going through with my 24-year-old (she’s an only child) for the past five years. She hasn’t spoken to me in that long because her EXTREMELY narcissistic mother has brainwashed her into being a flying monkey. She has also cut off EVERYONE on my side of the family. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
This whole series had been an education. I realise more and more just how damaging life in a narcissistic family is. Never being able to speak your mind without anger and aggression. The fear of saying the wrong thing. Being on edge all the time.
I was the brainwashed child. A life shattering moment took me out of the fog. My brother and I both circulated between the Golden Child/scapegoat/forgotten child/helper/handmaid roles. I was extremely narcissistic for years. Your channel has been instrumental in my change over the last 18 months. And I am changing the lives of friends who were raised in narc family systems through your channel and others like the Personal Development School. I can never thank you enough.
NO PARENT NO ONE IS PERFECT WE ALL NEED TO LOVE AND FORGIVE PEOPLE DO THE BEST THEY CAN IN THIS LIFE...SOME OF HER CONTENT IS INFORMATIVE AND SOME IS EXTREM WE DO NEED COMPASSION WHO ON EARTH ARE WE TO NOT FORGIVE OTHERS..ONLY GOD IS PERFECT AND JESUS CHRIST AND YES PARENTS DO HAVE THERE OWN HURTS AND TRAUMAS THAT THEY WENT THREW SO IT HAS EFFECTED THERE WAYS AND THINKING TRY COMPASSION
Can a child be narcisistic if the mother or father was not.I am an empath mother living in hell with my only simple tell about it.I beg you.
@@joycemchendrieferguson4211
Neither of my parents were raised by narcissists, neither were battered, but one was a full blown narcissist, possibly sociopath, and the other was their enabler and violent.
@@annaleonardi6299 It is not compassionate to enable abusers. We need to forgive but that does not always include reconciliation.
how old were you when you woke up?
Why would they wake up when they can make off with the scapegoat's inheritance?
This sounds like my sister. We’re twins and I always wished we could be friends. I can’t even begin to explain how devastating it was to watch our connection slip away as the years went on… heck maybe it wasn’t there to begin with. Now she’s a practically a narc. I’m told to wait it out but it’s really heartbreaking to watch her from a distance… she feels like a dead person walking.
Thanks for addressing this, Dr Ramani. Yes, it's devastating to see your children becoming the narcissist's devotees and turn against their own family and punish them, while growing in the deceitful ways of the triangulating, slandering narc.
In my family the brainwashed one was my mum. It took 40 years for my mum to realise that her favourite “loving, well behaved” daughter was a narcissist. And her two “problem children” were the scapegoats. So all this went down after my mum had minor strokes and started to depend on her and could no longer help my sister out with her childcare situation. Now that my mum was of no use to her and had become a burden, her true colours came out and the devalue and discard phase set in towards my mum. I will never forget how my mum would call me sobbing and crying because she would make her feel so worthless. For the first tine in our lives my other scapegoated sister and I had a sit down with my mum and told her what we had gone through in our childhood and how we had been treated by her. And how she would always tell tales and lies to my mum but my mum would never believe us and we would get punished for stuff we didn’t do. Mum had no idea. Gave us some satisfaction though even though it took mum 40 years to realise.
I am the adopted child and scapegoat that grew up in a family with a preacher and his Narcissistic wife who had 3 bio children that were brainwashed. I was the real life Cinderella who had to do everything in the house including care for additional foster children so they could have the money. I had far different parents than their bio children. I was even "homeschooled" in 4th-6th grades but no schooling could take place because I had kids to care for, laundry, dishes and house cleaning. At just 50 years old, it is incredibly hard to stop myself from making excuses for bad behaviors and to stop taking all of the blame in relationships. I've had an amazing therapist for 20+ years and I am still battling to not take responsibility for more than my part.
I was a brainwashed child and have done a great deal of work to escape the cloud. I used to struggle with guilt and shame for enabling my narcissistic parent and even helped her hurt other family members. I realize now that I can’t change the past or make the structure better. I have tried to make amends but often ended up retraumatizing siblings/ cousins. I’ve learned to accept responsibility for my own wrongdoing and not view myself as the sole victim in the sick family structure. The downside of realizing all of this is that I’ve largely distanced myself from the narcissistic parent but am also estranged from my siblings/ cousins. In my experience, the brainwashed child who sees the light ends up without many if any family/ kinship ties and struggles with all other relationships as well but can gain a great deal of peace with enough talk therapy and/or medication over time.
@dredsavage Thank you so much 😊
I totally understand you and very proud of you
Same here. I have lost all of my family, except my mom. And lots of friends too! The real sting is all of my extended family members that I was very close to...just ghosted me! I know there is no way they believe the crap he's made up about me. My guess is like the saying, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" is the best way I can describe it. They don't want him either, so the best way to keep him away is to take his side! (My family is spread out all over the country). I'm glad I have finally seen the light, but it is pretty dark on the other side of it.
So brave, with you in spirit sister ❤️🕊🙌
Now there's a channel topic or book! 💪🥰
I salute you for being able to wake up to reality. Sounds like you feel genuine remorse for the pain your enabling has caused, and are trying to make up for it now.
I'm actually pretty estranged from my family right now as well due to mental health stuff (I'm at a state where I need to discuss the toxic dynamics with the rest of my family before I can have a normal healthy relationship with them and no one is interested in talking about it, so we just don't talk much). It's hard. Love to you from one flawed human to another for seeing the issue and deciding to change.
They say things like, "I'm sorry YOU feel that way," "I think you need to work on yourself," "I don't understand them, but they mean well," ect...
Also, when you state a fact they will say they "don't agree with that *opinion*" 🙄
Dr. Ramani: "... mean and judgemental..."
Cat: "It's okay I am here to comfort you human" 🥰
🙄
I think I’ve been the brainwashed scapegoat. I’m 56 had 28 yr marriage now alienated from children by the narc mother & narc exhusband , who became allies. So heartbroken
We need more on this topic, like how to handle the “I didn’t do anything” attitude the brainwashed child is now displaying and also how to possibly co parent with a narc parent while child (ren) doing this exact “support” for the narc.
Both my daughters have succumbed to the brainwashing… haven’t spoken to them in almost 2 years :( The things they said to me are heinous - obviously fed from their narc father.
What really really hurts is that I raised them practically alone- he was always away working (rock star). We were so happy when he was out of town- we were so close. They were such great kids… now they are selfish, greedy, lying mirror images of him.
I can attest that what you put into your children before age 7 disappears in this context
Off topic: You are rocking the "silver fox" look. I don't know if you plan to transition your hair to full silver, but if you do it will be very beautiful on you. 🤍
This was my sister. She refused to see my mom true nature & my dad's enabling. She would always say, "You're making mom & dad look bad. If people talk to me about them they would think they were cool!" or She would make excuses for our mother's narc like behavior (she's not a full fledged narc) as just going through PMS & oversimplify situations. But about a year or so ago she saw everything for what it is & she finally acknowledged the damage my parents have done & have decided to stop bring an enabler
Thank God He opened her eyes.
@@Lil-ie6xw
she opened her own eyes. thank her for taking responsibility for herself
not always. God is more real than you think.. and people DO pray.🤨
how old was your sister when she woke up?
@@ABlessmanright I want to know to as well.
Thank you for this. My son is being brainwashed by my narcissistic ex. It’s so sad
The brainwashing started with my ex mother-in-law. Now that I’m divorced my daughter’s dad continues (he’s also covert). My daughter is now an adult and I am losing hope she will ever see the light. This has been devastating to me.
Regarding the suggestion that the brainwashee's refusal to acknowledge the toxicity of a narcissistic parent out of stubbornness, I would think another very real possibility when it comes to motivations could just be a comfort thing. Reevaluating your perception and behavior can be extremely difficult, and it's definitely unpleasant, especially when you're so deeply in the wrong
Yes. In my case I'd say it was just too horrible to deal with at the time.
This makes a lot of sense. It's hard enough for the scapegoat and they're the one who is being treated in a way that no one should ever be treated. If the scapegoat is served by the belief that there is nothing wrong, then how much more so must it be true for the one who isn't being abused?
@@chriswyma145 You're not wrong. It took multiple suicide attempts, horrifying self-injury, and a stay in prison for me to see it. My narc father had himself convinced I was just doing all of that for attention.
Yep. It was a choice between life or death for me, and my narc father made his feelings about that choice clear when he offered multiple times to help me commit suicide. My death was preferable to changing his own behaviour. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts when I think about just how much of my life was wasted while struggling in the grip of this demon and how much work I have to do before I'm ready for normal, loving relationships, but I'm improving.
Yep. Comfort thing. I am very much thinking I'm married to a brainwashed child. He doesn't ever want to see the truth of hardly anything ( except if he's personally suffering from the narcissistic behavior, which is our housemate and his teenaged daughter. My husband considers the housemate as his best friend; my sworn enemy, as far as I'm concerned.)
I was in this role… recently woke up to reality.. thank you for sharing this… bcz sometimes when the child wakes up.. your videos are life saving 🙏🏽❤️
I came to the comments because I was in this role too, until I woke up.
God bless you!
What happened, how did you find out what was going on?
I am happy for you that you came to a new understanding however it happened. All the best!
I should have never dated my son’s mother to start with. Stories of trauma on top of trauma, complaints about her past, problems with male authority, my only regret is having brought my child into this situation. Their mother took them in the separation. And between her, her family talking shii about me in front of my son, and her friends stirring the pot, I’ve lost relationship with my kid. It’s just something I have to deal with. And their mother don’t care.
Why is it such a horrible thing to try to convince people what’s actually happening and that they are becoming brainwashed?
Receive my hug all the way frm Kenya Dr Ramani...you replaced darkness wth light in me through your wisdom..my narc parents are not going to hurt me anymore am not going to enable them..may heavenly father bless you aldays..
Thank you for addressing this. It explains a lot for me.
I was brainwashed as a child and up into my teens. I simply could not process that at my mom's behavior was selfish. After all, she loved us, does so much for us, sacrificed for us, "Everything I do , I do for you guys!" she told us... How could I betray her by even thinking she was doing harm. I felt guilty when I had cynical opinions of her actions. I finally started to come around when my situation changed and I ended up living with just she and I. I then had to take the place of some of the other roles and I mentally started to break. I almost passed out trying to get the courage to speak up and tell her I think I needed help... I was met with anger and she immediately made it about her and what she needs. I finally had the "Ah Ha" moment. I finally realized that this women would never be there for me the way I need and I was going to need to heal myself.
Everything you said 100% happened to me❤️
@@XsukiniiX I'm sorry it happened to you too. I hope things are better now and you're doing well.
I was the brainwashed child for years. It wasn't until I went to rehab for my issues with addiction and then started going to regular therapy following the death of my non-narc parent that I started to recognize the family dysfunction and my role in it. When I started to come out of the fog I remember even telling sister that I felt like I had been brainwashed by my mom all of life. I definitely experienced a lot of anger and grief afterwards, but have finally reached a place of acceptance. It's crazy to me how blind I was to the whole dynamic. I feel so incredibly grateful to have found the help that I did, because I can't imagine what my life today would be like if I hadn't. Love you and all the work you do to educate people, Dr. Ramani. ❤
As an only child of a narc mom I was the brainwashed child for a long time. But when I realized that she forced me to marry my ex narc then rage at me when I told her about the abuse I went through after leaving my marriage, my eyes opened and now I know I hated my dad for absolutely nothing. This channel has really helped me to build relationships with my dad and other healthy people in my life. Thank you Dr Ramani
How old were you when you had your awakening and how wwas your reunion with your dad... Did you apologize? Was he receptive/open arms?
Ps) At one point , when I was younger, I mustered the courage to say: " this isnt right!" Quick as could be, I was kicked out of my family. General concensus:
How could you say such a thing?
Anyone relate?
Definitely. I was told I was wrong, delusional, etc. Then got the silent treatment from all of them. Been 2 years no contact and do not regret it!
Yeah they hated the truth and truth teller..”get out, but clean your room before you go”
@@spacecityHTX Thank you! Nice to know Im not alone. Truly, thank you!
@@cattleNhay They do. Back then didnt real8ze it. Lol at clear your room!!! And Thank you!!
I am a brainwashed child . At 35 I am just now figuring it out . My wife helped me & I am forever grateful . I struggle with grief but I am getting better everyday. Very thankful to find Dr Ramani’s channel . Her videos have helped me greatly .
My parents introduced me to drugs and alcohol at a young age . They belittled my sister & I often but luckily she escaped as a teenager & has done very well on her own . I stayed behind feeling guilty for my parents & feeling obligated to take care of them .
I feel like I have wasted a large portion of my younger life , but excited to see what the future holds . Thank You for shining a light into my dark past & helping me understand why things happened the way they did for all these years .
I was the brainwashed child but also a silent questioner. I would not have been able to come out of the wash had i have not seen Dr Ramani's video. I shared with my dad, with disbelief (questioning), he understood it all. He was the one who was the scapegoat. Soon enough I shared the knowledge with my elder sister and protected my younger brother from parentification and emotional incest at the hands of my mother. I became the scapegoat but since my other family members knew the situation they were on my side (sister enabled still). I was not even 18 when I figured it last September but I feel proud to be able to give my 53 year old father his life back and reduce stop trauma of my siblings. I feel I gave some people the life they deserve! I'm recovering and its because of Dr Ramani! Keep the good work coming!
Please keep making videos about this subject. It might not reach the brainwashed, but it will reach the people effected by it. It has helped me further understand. Even though I know there is no end in sight. Just having the knowledge helps me through it. At the very least proves I’m not crazy!! LOL
I am so glad that you talked about this role. I have experienced this with my sister in law when dealing with my mother in law. They teamed up on me and when my husband stood up for me his sister called him disrespectful to his mother.
I’m in a similar situation except my husband NEVER stands up for me.
Oh I see he's disrespectful of his mother when his mother and sister gang up on his wife. Of course.
My two daughters see this with their brother and how he is with my mother. She recently admitted that he was the golden child. The same day, she cursed out my 24 year old and threatened to hit my 29 year old. She is mid 70’s and my son is 33! It’s horrible.
I never thought in a million years my brainwashed sister would wake up. In fact, I thought she was equally as narcissistic as our mother. She woke up after having her own kids and realizing she didn't have the tools to raise her kids the way she wanted. With therapy she is now setting boundaries with our mother....as the scapegoat it is fascinating to watch to be honest!!
However in saying that I would neeevvvver expect someone like that to wake up....this was a fluke!!
😂
Nevermind, she went full "Sociopath" after I wrote this. :(
@@chaune11 I know exactly what you're talking about. That feeling that some family members are finally seeing the light, that they're finally aware of the dysfunction... Only to realise that it's not the case at all later on.
My covert narc mother went through a bout of therapy. The only thing she got from it are more tools to manipulate, and a convenient way to present herself as an enlightened person. And gosh, is it easy to fall for it if you're not careful enough. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, truly thrinking she was brainwashed and beginning to get out of it... Only to realise that she was still abusing and manipulating me. She only refined her ways, and got more skilled at it over time.
The only family member who ever truly escaped his brainwashed state is my father. Took him 60 years, a slew of deaths in his family line and a brush with depression to finally see the light. This was 5 years ago, and he's neither budged nor "switched back" since. I consider this a near miracle, because I had given up on him entirely.
I can only send a lot of courage your way, and assure you you're not alone in this.
@@isey4482 thank you for this. In the last event with her, she even weaponized her own children against me. Her actions made me sick toy stomach....I knew I had to cut her out of my life for good, but disconnecting from those kids knowing what their life was going to be like almost killed me.
I'm having a real problem with people who go to therapy, get medicated and think they are all good, because they "feel" better, but they still respond in toxic, traumatized ways.
As awful as it has been to experience these events, it's been oddly reassuring knowing I'm not like them and will do everything in my power not to be like that. As soon as I cut them off, my life took off. Everything is so peaceful and easy.
Thanks again for your comment. As someone who grew up chronically gaslit, it's easy to second guess myself sometimes. It's reassuring to know others have experience (and survived) the same
@@chaune11worried about this with my sister now tbh, she is pregnant and so full of unprocessed anger, can’t take responsibility for her own feelings, black and white thinking, controlling, rude, etc etc etc.
funnily enough before the pregnancy I thought we were making progress and she was finally pulling out of the fog, but now I’m seeing a lot of underlying storm clouds brewing. I’m now very worried about how having a kid will affect her (naively I thought it would help her see sense/consider her actions but that is very much not happening).
Hoping for a different outcome (don’t we all) but I’m bracing myself for what you’re currently going through. Heartbreak to contemplate let alone live through, I hope things improve for you, and your niblings get to have you in their life at some point without you having to surrender your own mental well-being 💜
I hope that you really understand how important what you are doing here on this channel. For someone like me who is not just scapegoated since they were born and raised with feeling s like shame and guilt for not being “good enough”, but for not being able to admit such facts even to myself, dinging this channel is like finding a beacon of hope in a very dark stormy night.. you literarily made healing a possible option to me.. god bless you for the amazing work you’re doing! 🙏
Another good channel is Surviving Narcissism. :)
This is the video I needed to see. I experience this daily. My sons are basically brainwashed. I have sadly not helped the situation by breaking Down to relentless baiting. My boys jump to the defence of the Narcissist. I was literally told by one of my sons that if I did not enable the narcissist parent to trample on my boundaries I was a bad person and not facilitating a good relationship. I gave up a boundary in this situation. These catch 22s were passed on from the narcissist. It is truly soul destroying considering all the work I have devoted to my boys. I don’t regret that work, it just hurts badly when I am
Called out for things they should never know or discuss.
My narcissistic sister didn’t need to be brainwashed, she and my mom were always best buds and I’ve always been the one they loved to mistreat. It continues to this day, but at least I finally realized my mom was a covert narc in recent years - thanks in large part by these videos. It was easy to identify my sister as being callous and mean early on, since she’s quite grandiose (if not sociopathic) and we just agreed that we didn’t like each other as young adults and don’t interact much. I figured out as a teenager that it pissed her off when I didn’t get upset at the nonsense she was telling me. Now, I don’t fall for the bait when it comes to my mom. (although not 💯 of the time) The covert narcissists really are the tricky ones.
Kari Foto, isn't it time you went no contact with these vile creatures? I mean for goodness sake. Why are you wanting to still try and get something of worth from them when there is nothing of worth?
Yeah, it really yanks a narc's chain when you offer no reaction to their poison.
You just described my life. I don't talk to my older sister either. Her and my .other were best buds aswell. But my mum died 2 years now and my sister is now even more evil than my mother was. My mother made her incharge of all assets. I can no longer go back to the home I grew up in cause she's moved in and changed the locks Threw out all my clothes out the bedroom use to have and moved her son into it.
@@rwhitter2676 that sucks! Sorry you’re going through that! These people are so damaging. Sounds like my sister. I think my sister is a malignant narcissist or even a psychopath. Sending you good energy ✨
@@raccuia1 Me & my sister don’t speak at all & I’ve learned how to deal with my mom in a better way for the most part, thanks to Dr. Ramani. My mom lives in another state which helps. Sometimes I think of going no contact but that would affect my relationship with my brother & his kids so I’m just exercising radical acceptance these days
My parents and our oldest daughter...This video was exactly what I needed to hear. They are all dead to me now. It’s the only way to cope with the indescribable pain.
It's a sad truth, but one we needed to be reminded of.
WOAH! Talk about timing. Yesterday, I had a very deep difficult realization. I so wanted to talk to my siblings about this, but they brain washed and Id recieve anger and denial. So, I just sat with the pain. Nothing else to do. Oh my heart hurt and hurts. In my family I see brain washedness on various levels. Out come is still the same. Im forbidden from bringing it up. Their defense? He/ she " did the best they could..." End of discussion. This is a great topic. Until watching this video I had no word for this. Thank YOU!
Thank you for tackling this particular dark mist too. "Brainwashed Child" is a great moniker for these souls. They are also very effective agents of chaos and pain perpetuation. They get in on the tug of war and go hard without really caring to understand why. Tug of war sucks... drop the rope and spend that precious energy elsewhere.
I wish I heard that years ago.. and I’m glad I came to a similar conclusion recently, when I was considering talking to my brainwashed sister again. It’s no point. And it’s their own journey to undertake, when they’re ready
One place I've seen the realization occur with the "Golden Child" is when they have kids and the grand parents try and target one grandchild as another golden child but neglect the others... the golden child then gets mad that their children are being targeted.
That happened to me! I think I was my Mom's GC untill I gave birth. Then my daughter became GC and I was discarded.
I saw all the patterns they did with me with my daughter. It felt sick, I could finally pinpoint the disfunction. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, they already decided that the 1st was a GC so nobody really cared about my 2nd pregnancy.
I couldn't let my kids go through the same thing I went through so I left.
This happened exactly in my family. Supplementing Golden Child after Golden Child...use and discard, use and discard...my brother to my sister to her daughter...to another grand daughter...always seeking for endless innocent/groomable narcissistic supply. Endless abuse.
I was with someone with the brainwashed child role for almost 4 years. It was too much dealing with the lack of awareness and toxicity from the in-law. She was too involved in his life and he gave so much of his time to her. Lesson learned. ✅
I wish my sister would get it. She is a master enabler with my narcissistic mother, even excuses and promotes my mothers unentitled waste financially on her addictions & constantly makes excuses for her.it’s been a nightmare for decades.The very things that damaged us both ( narcissistic parent always putting herself first , neglecting even before our basic needs) it’s all over again.
Hi Doctor Ramani,
I enjoy it a lot when your cat steps in and shows up :)
Thank you once for the great content and guidance.
The pet cameos are the best!!
I was the scapegoat , I left home at 19. I realized what was going on few months ago . Till then I was trying to earn narc mom’s love . I was made to believe I was the problem .
Her golden child , my sister always treated me horribly often with narc mom’s blessing . She always triangulated our relationship and I don’t even have one normal memory with sister. Now , GC is sinking in quick sand and I am living a healthy normal life. I feel bad for her because she spent maximum time with narc mom and she is quite narcissistic herself . She cannot see how mom groomed her to become her mini narc . She is not capable of having a normal relationship with anyone. She was raised rewarding manipulations and short cuts . Then again , I realize they are not my problem .
Ps: The GC now hates narc mom and they are always fighting . They unite marvelously when it comes to me , the common enemy though !
I was the scapegoat married into a narcissist family. They really really believed the world is against them and their family is the perfectly perfect one in the universe. Could not changed them, could not awaken them to the reality. So happy I got out of this. Ppl life gets doomed with such ppl. Your videos are rly rly rly helpful, Dr Ramani. God bless you❤️
Former brainwashed child here. My mother finally did a number on me that was so bad that I had to get out of the family and get counseling. With help I was able to realize what was going on and how bad it had been, even to the point of discovering that I had been alienated from my father and many other family members. I went back and apologized to them all and have wonderful relationships with them all now including my dad whom I hadn’t spoken to in 20 years and my scapegoat step-sister whom I also hadn’t spoken to in 20 years. I haven’t spoken to my mother or brother in four years now. Ironically, she is a marriage and family therapist which helped give her credibility for so long. My brother is still in it and is still brainwashed. He told me never to contact him again until I made things right with my mother which will never happen. I hope he wakes up someday. Dr. Ramani is right about the shock, guilt, and shame of discovering the truth. I felt like I woke up in the Truman Show. The betrayal of my reality and what I unwittingly did as a result of it were awful to bear.
Thank you for sharing your brave story.
Your videos really hit the spot.
I was labeled the good child.
My brother was labeled the bad kid. I hated it. I didn’t choose it. I tried to help him but he was always jealous anyway.
It hurt both of us that our parents were the ducks they were. It put a wedge between us and it’s sad he had it even worse than I did but there was nothing I could do. We are just 12 months apart. I’m older. I love my brother but we stay estranged; he even says he hates me because I had it better than him. He doesn’t see it was horrible for me too.
Me: Oh God, hope my computer isn't broken, why does it make this strange noise?
Dr. Ramani's cat enters the frame with another Mrrrreow
Me: Ah... Cute X")
I was brainwashed until i became an adult. Now I’m on the outside looking in at my narcissistic family and can plainly see how they operate. It’s amazing how textbook their tactics are 😁 My narc mother is a master manipulator. Obligation and guilt are her favorite tools to control.
My child’s father caused a serious injury. Years later an older child shared how he has helped his father hide the injury. As the mother I was upset to learn how the injury had been hidden. I became the scape goat for getting upset at being deceived and for the extreme danger of loosing his life that my son was placed in.
PLEASE do a video about the daughter-in-law role! My in laws are both narcissistic, with my mother-in-law being the scariest behavior, she’s the one who controls everyone. So now I’m seeing those same cruel and abusive behaviors he suffered from his mom, he’s doing to me….and his narcissistic mother makes it into a power struggle, that she has to win his heart, love and devotion and of course, he’s too emeshed and scared of her so as his wife I lose…. Daughter in law, married to a narcissist, with a narcissist mother in law. Help!!!!
Nodding all the way through this video! Having siblings like this is so excruciating! They're judgment is such a betrayal, and in some ways their gaslighting is even worse than my parents' because they're supposed to be on "my side".
This perfectly describes two siblings of mine. One is the golden child, the other is the savior child. They refuse to see what our mom truley is. My other sibling, the scapegoat, saw it, but is also a narcissit and malignant borderline, and I cut contact over 12 years ago. I'm the ignored invisible child, and continue to stay in that role because my other siblings think I'm a monster for "abandoning" the family.
Kat, We do what's best for our own mental health, keep moving forward.
You have to do what you have to do for your own sanity.
This is exactly what I am dealing with and he lives at home and I don't know what to do
100% accurate description of my nephew.