Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse | The Gottman Institute: Relationship Behaviors that Lead to Failure

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  • Опубліковано 15 вер 2024
  • Certain negative communication styles are so lethal to a relationship that Dr. John Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy if the behavior isn't changed. So, what can you do?
    Practice these four research-based antidotes to save your relationship from certain destruction.
    Want to learn more? info.gottman.c...
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КОМЕНТАРІ • 199

  • @JustASmalltownGirl10
    @JustASmalltownGirl10 7 місяців тому +31

    Learning about this changed my life. I did all of these in most of my relationships without realising. I thought it was normal, now I realise the damage this does and try to be very self conscious when communicating. It’s literally abuse to behave like the four horse men. Hurts me to think how many people I hurt deeply behaving like that without realising, awful

  • @BenGurskyMusic
    @BenGurskyMusic 3 роки тому +136

    "forget it" - hate that one

    • @miranda6738
      @miranda6738 2 роки тому +1

      Me too 😪

    • @KateLate____
      @KateLate____ Рік тому +22

      When someone says forget it, they've given up on the idea that you're willing to have a constructive discussion with them.

    • @StuartBrown-uc2ch
      @StuartBrown-uc2ch Рік тому +1

      I think you'll find !

    • @eamonnmunroe6102
      @eamonnmunroe6102 Рік тому

      You know it's just like flicking through a 12 step program, but starting from step 12 and going back to 1. I say there's those one's I don't like aswell, you can't just have it all your own way and steal every step

  • @KenBruin1
    @KenBruin1 6 років тому +106

    Wow... I really resonate with defensiveness. I feel like I so often resort to this because I don't want to take responsibility for my own actions. I know this is something I can work on.... very helpful!

    • @akuasalaam490
      @akuasalaam490 2 роки тому +12

      Self Awareness is key... Wish you the best!

  • @NanaforChrist
    @NanaforChrist 9 років тому +67

    In my 20 years as a marriage & family therapist, I found the 4 Horsemen matrix to be true time and time again. Toxic words and/a negative attitude towards a partner really come down to disrespecting the person, and we all that is downright wrong. Psalm 34:13 says to: "keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies." I tell people to make a mind shift in a moment of anger; voice your feelings with kindness, but in truth. Remember to speak aloud to your spouse something about his/her character for which you are grateful. Considering others before myself can make for a far more humble and grateful heart. With love from Your Nana

    • @Peecgroave
      @Peecgroave 5 років тому

      Nanafor Christ I find the only way to not get hurt in arguments is to defend and counter and that’s how life works you don’t let a bullet hit you in the face you attempt to dodge and attack your attacker if you let life stomp over you you’ll get hurt and I don’t let people hurt me

    • @karinacarvajal9919
      @karinacarvajal9919 3 роки тому +2

      @@Peecgroave not sure if you’re in a relationship now. It doesn’t work like that in a mature partnership, you wouldn’t want someone to attack you every time you have a concern. Just how they want to be listened so do you. you can stop the cycle of attacking and instead listen without feeling like they’re about to screw you over. You probably had an authority figure who didnt listen to you and they only defended and attacked so you feel like you have to do the same in order to be heard. You can be heard without making defending the priority but actually working on it. You’ll have to finally find accountability in anything and you’ll have to tell your partner to do the same. If not, no relationship will not last because you didn’t learn how to resolve conflict or how to get a need met. Also lots of build up resentment because you’re making yourself a victim instead of working for a healthy relationship.
      I’m speaking from experience, I was super defending. Then I realize I wasn’t being heard and neither my partner. We weren’t actually working for the relationship but ourselves and trauma. Also you wouldn’t like to be with someone who can’t listen and takes accountability. Hopefully you can find someone who can do that so you both create a safe space to express.

    • @magdalenadandu7242
      @magdalenadandu7242 5 місяців тому

      Hi Nana, what if the horsemen are present during courtship?
      Is it better to get out of this relationship?

  • @johnybrokeit
    @johnybrokeit Рік тому +6

    I like the 'take a break for 20 minutes' and then attack again, concept.

  • @Streighton
    @Streighton 5 місяців тому +5

    I absolutely appreciated how you not only shared the four horsemen and explained them, but also that there is a way to get better/resolve the problem. It gave me so much hope! Thank you.

  • @AdisCandra
    @AdisCandra 3 роки тому +39

    i suffer from contempt and it's eating me alive.
    i dont want to feel superior but i do.
    i treat him with respect consciously but at times im just so frustrated.

    • @Jennifer-fk8kb
      @Jennifer-fk8kb 2 роки тому +2

      I feel the same. Very internally frustrated but try to be respectful. What is it you are frustrated with? Just asking as I don’t know many people that can relate.

    • @designbydraq
      @designbydraq 4 місяці тому +4

      Izin jawab pake bahasa Indo ya kak
      Mungkin banyak dari kita melihat pasangan dengan perandaian, ekspektasi ideal atau harus menjadi lebih dari sekarang. Mungkin kalau kakak liat kalau manusia itu sejatinya tempat melakukan kesalahan, kita bisa apresiasi bahwa mereka udah mencoba terbaik versi mereka & sedikit apresiasi tidak membuat seseorang berkepala besar, melainkan bisa menyadari & memotivasi pasangan

    • @gummislayer1969
      @gummislayer1969 4 місяці тому

      @@designbydraqTHIS (in English!!!). 💙👏🏾🙏

    • @designbydraq
      @designbydraq 4 місяці тому +2

      @@gummislayer1969 thanks bruv. glad you found my comment useful

    • @gummislayer1969
      @gummislayer1969 4 місяці тому

      @@designbydraq I did, indeed!!! 🤓 💙 👊🏾

  • @falltuneu9563
    @falltuneu9563 5 років тому +34

    this really helped actually because i was ina tough time in my relationship about 2 years into the relationship we kept having arguments and i was always such an idiot name calling and she would stone wall me but 2 years later and were still together with no arguments and advice like this helped

    • @iniubongnkanga9390
      @iniubongnkanga9390 5 років тому +2

      I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

  • @Blackmentalhealth_MFT
    @Blackmentalhealth_MFT Рік тому +10

    These are relationship killers for sure. Working through these take patients, mindfulness of the fact that they're even happening, and the ability to apologize and forgive 🙏

  • @jt4369
    @jt4369 2 роки тому +20

    These are my mother's primary modes of communication. This explains a lot about this family..

  • @Juicawins83
    @Juicawins83 Рік тому +8

    I wish you guys would do something like this video for parents with teenagers

  • @underconstruct2024
    @underconstruct2024 8 місяців тому +5

    I wish I could feel worthy of the love a man is beginning to have for me. I just become emotionally shut off, especially by negativity with the idea of rivalry with other women.

  • @ElisabethSSadler
    @ElisabethSSadler 8 років тому +36

    Great to see this in a simple and clear format!

  • @rachaelb9164
    @rachaelb9164 3 роки тому +38

    Yeah I’m a defensive stonewaller. I have gotten much better about the defensiveness by accepting responsibility for my actions even when they suck. Stonewalling is difficult because I never really learned how to deal with conflict growing up or in adult relationships.

  • @steblair
    @steblair 7 місяців тому +3

    I’m so guilty of this!!!
    My whole life this is how my parents treated me. And still do.
    So I fall in this trap as a wife to my husband.
    I try really hard not to, but it’s so frustrating that people do this to me, and then I do it to them and feel even worse about myself for being like this.

  • @TheWolfSaidPoofy
    @TheWolfSaidPoofy 8 років тому +31

    These are great concepts worth going deeper in. I first read about the 4 horsemen in a very good marriage and relationship college textbook and the concept stuck with me.

  • @AndreaCairella
    @AndreaCairella 9 років тому +69

    This will be a great video to share with my clients. In my practice, I help couples break communication barriers that they face in their marriage and recognizing these negative patterns.

    • @danielmonarrez6029
      @danielmonarrez6029 2 роки тому

      I don't see people like its best they have been towards a rough time know people who never liked going to a therapist a waste of time its why we see them going to golf courses or gyms are best to take off their inner self-esteem working out an example daffy duck likes to get gang bangers yelling stuff about me what are those places spas have those toilets to drown themselves spas or gyms have those saunas or steamers

  • @lipsohlips97
    @lipsohlips97 4 роки тому +58

    Man I do all this shit... I haven't even started dating yet and I feel like I'm failing lol

    • @atli126
      @atli126 4 роки тому +21

      So now that you know. You can fix it before you have serious problems later

    • @lipsohlips97
      @lipsohlips97 4 роки тому +6

      @@atli126 Easier said then done but yes!

    • @lipsohlips97
      @lipsohlips97 4 роки тому +12

      @@atli126 I grew up with this behavior so often it felt like there was no other way to fight then to fight dirty :/

    • @Ramynnoodles
      @Ramynnoodles 3 роки тому +2

      I feel you, i think my childhood and the way love was taught to me in different forms has skewed my pov. I treat others with love and respect as long as it’s shown to me as well and not taken for advantage but the people I do allow in my life and speak to consistently sometimes anger me to a whole new level. I expect them to see things the same way I see them, logically, I hear them come to me to vent and I offer obvious solutions to me but it’s taken poorly and sometimes I resort to sarcasm and repeating myself if not listened to and when they come to me still upset about the same thing. It’s one thing to know all that effects your relationships with loved ones and anyone else but it’s another thing breaking those bad habits and creating new ones. it’s also the environment, I remember when I first started realizing what affected me and started taking steps to mend my behavior and my parents would look at me and say something like “what are you trying to get?” or “he wants something” as hard as those words may sting you need to brush them off. you’re stronger than that, let your actions speak for you instead of your speech, most of the time the first thing that comes to your mind is the wrong things to say so take time and realize that although logical it may not be the right way to come about

    • @CommentorX
      @CommentorX 3 роки тому +5

      Well then don't date. Become a racist, misogynist incel. The Republican party needs your vote.

  • @metaljane666
    @metaljane666 3 роки тому +9

    If only I could go back and explain this to my younger self … I learned the hard way but at least I learned lmao

  • @earthsteward9
    @earthsteward9 5 років тому +17

    Any tips on dealing with a partner who grew up in a culture where criticism and contempt are considered good?

  • @serenarossi8480
    @serenarossi8480 8 років тому +21

    That's why i always wonder how can my parents be still together after 40 years.They show each and every of these behaviour

    • @stevendromgool9882
      @stevendromgool9882 7 років тому +23

      These behaviours show up even in good relationships - what matters is how the couple repairs the breach

    • @KofRadamanth
      @KofRadamanth 6 років тому +10

      What's not really mentioned in this video, although the Gottman Institute has found it too is that a relationship can still go on even when the 4 Horsemen behaviors are running rampant, but it won't be a good relationship. Some relationships persist even long after they have turned into problematic or even (bi or unilaterally) abusive affairs.

    • @genjochetz3663
      @genjochetz3663 5 років тому

      Maybe the sex is amazing?

    • @CL-fs3kt
      @CL-fs3kt 4 роки тому +1

      Serena Rossi Some relationships need chaos...it’s not healthy but no two people are perfect. My guess is they have a huge bickering problem but love each other 🤷🏻‍♀️ it does happen, even in the best of relationships.

    • @KateLate____
      @KateLate____ Рік тому +3

      Mine too. Some people are just committed to never divorcing. Not really committed to making sure their marriage is happy.

  • @saraoliveri4288
    @saraoliveri4288 9 років тому +72

    can you PLEASEEEEE make more of these videos. This might be the most useful teaching tool I have ever found. I love this. More please.

    • @berrygonebad4371
      @berrygonebad4371 6 років тому +6

      Sara Oliveri gottman wrote a couple of amazing books if you want to get more of such content :)

    • @jhonnybravo4065
      @jhonnybravo4065 Рік тому

      @sara I will my love

  • @anber4129
    @anber4129 8 місяців тому +3

    i always say “forget it”..! i need to change that!!

  • @MariAlfaro1996
    @MariAlfaro1996 6 місяців тому +29

    What’s wrong? “It doesn’t matter I don’t want to fight” just realized this is stonewalling

    • @JohnnyWick9733
      @JohnnyWick9733 3 місяці тому +2

      Or it’s a true statement. Said it many times and meant as I said it. No ulterior motives. Stop being a victim.

    • @NN-fz4pd
      @NN-fz4pd 3 місяці тому

      Stop being rude and contemptuous

    • @MariAlfaro1996
      @MariAlfaro1996 3 місяці тому +3

      @@JohnnyWick9733 you can stone wall and not intend to hurt someone else, its still important to communicate feelings and hurts the relationship over all

    • @JohnnyWick9733
      @JohnnyWick9733 3 місяці тому

      @@MariAlfaro1996 agreed.

    • @coyoteinthepool
      @coyoteinthepool 6 днів тому

      Unless it is being said to someone who will respond with unreasonable, vicious, or dangerous "fighting" when offered calm and earnest expressions of your feelings.
      In which case "nevermind I don't want to fight" is saving your bacon until you can leave.

  • @80zBabee
    @80zBabee 8 років тому +24

    This video is very helpful, I have definitely showed all four of these concepts in my marriage,(married four years) I've forward it to my husband Thanks Dr. Gottman you're a blessing

    • @svasianfilipiname6603
      @svasianfilipiname6603 5 років тому

      You don't have to forward anthing! If he isn't stupid, he should be able to figure things out himself!

    • @triznad
      @triznad 5 років тому +5

      Isn’t that showing contempt to her husband?

    • @Roodsteam
      @Roodsteam 4 роки тому

      @@svasianfilipiname6603 what a stupid comment "figuring out himself" a relationship is there to help each other and sometimes even with the obvious. No wonder why all your relationships fail suze.

    • @svasianfilipiname6603
      @svasianfilipiname6603 4 роки тому +1

      @@Roodsteam They're not actually. I'm with somebody right now. I made this comment a year ago and this one I'm with GETS ME and I finally feel like I have a matured man by my side, so lol you got it wrong! All I was saying is that if someone knew you and cared about you, they'd be OBSERVANT of your feelings and know where you stand! Of course I'm not talking about reading your mind or having them GUESS stuff! Anyway, thanks for trying to humiliate me but sorry it didn't work! I'm happily taken bitch!

    • @pinds83
      @pinds83 Рік тому +1

      @@triznad I see your comment was left years ago, but I have to ask, why do you think showing this to her husband as a way of admitting her faults is showing contempt?
      She isn't saying he does this things, she's saying SHE does them.

  • @ddogg14
    @ddogg14 Рік тому +1

    Very compelling analysis, Dr. Gottman

  • @LALKRSKB24
    @LALKRSKB24 Рік тому +2

    Is it sad that my wife has accused me of not taking accountability, not knowing how to communicate, and has made me feel like the one responsible for everything that I’ve gone as far sometimes apologizing when she does these things?

  • @kampatt3992
    @kampatt3992 Рік тому +1

    Thank you this opened my mind to learn what to focus on

  • @__-pl3jg
    @__-pl3jg Рік тому +2

    A great tool to help one another emphasize is to share a common emotional experience. LSD or Psilocybin tend to work well 🤩.

  • @efthimios
    @efthimios 4 роки тому +18

    I bet almost all couples do this after a while which is dangerous.. we did and it ended up my wife had affair and now I’m trying to rebuild our marriage

  • @cutewings2013
    @cutewings2013 4 місяці тому

    0:00-0:15 this part made me cry when I hear this negative phrase on my situation. 😢

  • @blue_iamm
    @blue_iamm 2 роки тому +2

    I’m a defensive person, somehow I always feel attacked and I say random things when I get scared, and I don’t really like taking responsibility for my actions. It would be nice if I got some more support from my family, though.

  • @fayeward7337
    @fayeward7337 Рік тому +1

    That was great! So concise and well done. Thank you.

  • @honey1376
    @honey1376 2 роки тому +6

    What do you do if stonewalling has been there from the beginning?

  • @NewLeafHealthChannel
    @NewLeafHealthChannel 3 роки тому +3

    What simple wonderful information.

  • @yuliedhanianty4841
    @yuliedhanianty4841 6 місяців тому +1

    I wonder if this goes also with our kids. My daughter shows everything

  • @jeanlaubenthal698
    @jeanlaubenthal698 4 роки тому +7

    If one partner exhibited contempt onto their partner would that partner not be prone to defensiveness in return?

    • @Midnight_Ruby
      @Midnight_Ruby Рік тому +2

      See for me, my girl showed a lot of contempt towards me, and then got on defensiveness when I shared how I felt about things. It really depends on where you stand I guess and what the context is. This then started turning me into a stonewaller, where I didn't want to think about it and I didn't want to surround myself with it. People all react differently

  • @Iamdeejoker
    @Iamdeejoker 2 місяці тому

    I like this very amazing and informative, I listen over and over again , I like the way you put the relationship, master as opposed to disaster , these little things can either break or make relationship as you so put it. Thank you

  • @nuggetoftruth-ericking7489
    @nuggetoftruth-ericking7489 4 місяці тому +1

    Well done.

  • @Yellowblueej
    @Yellowblueej 3 роки тому +24

    To be honest, the problem is not whether we act like this or not. The problem is that if we truly loved the other person we would always make the effort to love them the right way. This is why we treat people that we are in relationships with differently. And that’s why it’s sad. Because if you’re truly in love with someone then you will always try your best. It hurts when a partner is not because we know that if they really loved us they would. Just a thought.

    • @joyfulsoul4967
      @joyfulsoul4967 2 роки тому

      This is a great thought, I feel like so, love ❤️ is the antidote for any relationship. Keep spreading this message 🔥💥🙌🤗

    • @kfitzsimons1793
      @kfitzsimons1793 10 місяців тому +4

      Mmm I disagree, your message is suggesting anyone who’s ever lashed out doing these things doesn’t love the person.
      So I suppose you’re perfect and you’ve never criticised your partner, you’ve never held a grudge against something they did and later felt resentment towards them.
      It’s not about whether you experience negative feelings, it’s if there are communication pathways and repair pathways that make it a healthy relationship.
      Also. People learn these coping strategies, it doesn’t mean they are unloving or unkind. Usually it’s because when we’re vulnerable we revert to protective strategies or survival instincts. So what you’re seeing - stonewalling is like retreating into a cave where it’s safe.
      Criticism - fight or flight (fighting against something that feels wrong/ unsafe/ unnatural)
      Defensiveness - feeling attacked. Defending.
      Contempt - a build up of these things. Compiles over time. (Noticing that person isn’t like you, isn’t good for you, doesn’t benefit you)
      Contempt is disgust in disguise. It really focuses on a distaste for who the person is at their core. It is the worst horseman and leading contributor in gottmans research of relationship destruction.

    • @leonardshort2450
      @leonardshort2450 2 місяці тому

      I agree if you have the tools to love correctly, and these things are not present in your relationship.

  • @benchpressme
    @benchpressme 9 років тому +10

    I GOTTA WATCH THIS FOR A IOWA STATE CLASS

  • @Iamdeejoker
    @Iamdeejoker 2 місяці тому

    This really help thanks because I was in a relationship and all we did was argue and I kept wondering why or where is the problem thanks for sharing

  • @joannayeung3705
    @joannayeung3705 Рік тому

    This is super simple. Thank you. I had all 4 in my mareiage. I was stone walling. My ex husband was doing the other 3. It is so sad. 😢

  • @nswayze2218
    @nswayze2218 5 місяців тому +1

    So the question is, do you share this with your partner so it could help your relationship or is it considered criticism?

  • @alicsdillard2753
    @alicsdillard2753 9 років тому +176

    This was insightful, i watched it twice and forwarded it to my wife. I'm definitely a criticizer

  • @elvispresley3234
    @elvispresley3234 11 місяців тому +1

    Divorce is the absolute best thing that could have ever taken place (under the circumstances) for both our kids and myself. I am a man who lived with a toxic wife for 31 yrs. Thank God (literally) that I am now free, and that our kids are free from our horribly damaging relationship.

  • @lurelurche
    @lurelurche 5 років тому +10

    So this is for the reactive side of the couple, what about the submissive side? What can the other half do to be active and don't just play dead?

    • @aclark217
      @aclark217 4 роки тому +10

      This is a really good question. Generally in a relationship where these kinds of destructive behaviors are going on, there is a blaming partner and a withdrawing partner. The withdrawing partner is more likely to be the one that stonewalls but not always. In order for the withdrawing or submissive partner to feel safe enough to open up, you usually need the blaming partner to soften up and do the things that this video suggests.
      If that's not happening then it is going to be much more difficult for the submissive partner to express their concerns and feel validated. But what they can do is try to express their needs as well as the things their partner is doing to hurt them as positively and constructively as possible. If they can validate their blaming partner's feelings then that can also help to defuse the situation.
      "It really hurts my feelings and makes me feel unwanted when you say things like that."
      "I need to know that I'm not going to be attacked right away if I bring something up."
      "I understand that you're frustrated. I would be to. But can you let me share my side?"

    • @MaryHernandez-lq8kq
      @MaryHernandez-lq8kq 4 роки тому +2

      @@aclark217 I end up becoming the blaming partner because my bids are rejected I don't feel secure. When I start to something happens to mess with the newly won calm and I am off again.
      Feeling rejected. So I ended the relationship. I thought it could have been fantastic but my partner never seemed to argue or bid back much. I feel clueless

    • @ashleyleahy5859
      @ashleyleahy5859 3 роки тому +2

      @@MaryHernandez-lq8kq watch Adrienne Everheart and Helena Hart. They both learned from the Gottmans and they’ve helped me soooo much!!

  • @bencarusomed
    @bencarusomed 6 років тому +3

    Awesome video! helped me so much with my PSCH 200 class

  • @zhouwu
    @zhouwu Рік тому +1

    Oh wait! You mean we should actually cultivate our relationships, instead of criticising one another, despising one another, blaming one another and ignoring one another?
    I think deep down, we all know these things. But the truth is, doing the right thing takes effort. And even if it's the right thing to do, we might just feel too exhausted to do it.
    Still, it probably pays to try.
    Having said that, I can totally see why burnt out people would be like that.

  • @kathysutton2631
    @kathysutton2631 3 роки тому +2

    Wonderful video!!!! Slow down the words tho please

  • @ckobesko
    @ckobesko 5 років тому +8

    Newer research and evidence clearly shows these behaviors to be narcissistic abuse.

    • @elenaamberidis2214
      @elenaamberidis2214 2 роки тому +4

      And the methods provided to deal with these, along with the "softened start up" from the Gottman method do NOT with with a narcissist. Trust me, I've tried. They do not respond well to criticism no matter how you to try word your feelings about their mistreatment.

  • @CFNgorilla
    @CFNgorilla Рік тому

    i have problems with each one and i recognize that but I think my relationship my be done for.. we were supposed to watch this over a month ago but i forgot about it until now

  • @AnnHustle
    @AnnHustle 7 років тому +4

    Read the book! It's on audible too!

  • @justinwbohner
    @justinwbohner 5 років тому +8

    Growing up, my mom criticized and stonewalled me. Then she always wanted to be on good terms with me. I see now why it was so frustrating. I'm only nice to her now because she has money and I want her to leave me a piece.

    • @iniubongnkanga9390
      @iniubongnkanga9390 5 років тому +1

      I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

  • @carlaisaacs8559
    @carlaisaacs8559 8 років тому +2

    quite informative

  • @twokings316
    @twokings316 5 років тому +8

    While you are you sir are topped while I look for animated versions of the four horsemen in relation to darksiders 3, this is terrible

  • @Helpmenowplz
    @Helpmenowplz Рік тому +2

    My mom does this 😢

  • @davidthomspson9771
    @davidthomspson9771 2 роки тому

    Yep it does.Confirmed.

  • @BarbraMarshall-pl4nx
    @BarbraMarshall-pl4nx Рік тому

    Im with you

  • @sharonj.iversen8841
    @sharonj.iversen8841 5 років тому +1

    Awesome insight and help!

    • @iniubongnkanga9390
      @iniubongnkanga9390 5 років тому +1

      I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

  • @GardensoftheAncientsHerbal
    @GardensoftheAncientsHerbal 3 роки тому +4

    Hey babe why's this thing in the walkway....
    Silence
    Hey I know usually whatever but I moved it cuz it's just junk and now it's back why is it here is there a reason?
    Silence....
    Can you acknowl me!

    • @Jennifer-fk8kb
      @Jennifer-fk8kb 2 роки тому

      Sounds like me and my husband. Me being the silent one. Here’s an idea. Stop complaining. You live with someone else. Expect that they might put things in places that you don’t understand. Just like you are doing without having them question it.
      Very irritating behavior. You have to have the ability to step outside yourself and realize that your partner is dealing with your “junk” as well. The silence is just evidence that your partner feels defeated. Defeated from having to express over and over and over that your nagging is irritating. Words don’t seem to get anywhere and only cause your partner to be more frustrated, so why bother speaking?
      You talk as if when your partner makes what YOU perceive to be a mistake, they must “answer” to you. Perhaps your partner left whatever they left there to remind themselves to take it somewhere else. You should have the respect for their judgement to ASSUME that if they moved it BaCk it was for a reason!
      My husband is very neat. But sometimes leaves things out of place like every human on the planet. Recently I noticed he left his expensive watch out on his nightstand which is not where he keeps it. I literally ignored it and thought “must be for a reason”. He later mentioned (without me interrogating him!) he left it out as a reminder because it needs a new battery. You see how one can have respect for your partners decisions and placement of things??? You see something there.. especially if it was moved there TWICE… and make the assumption that your ADULT partner had a reason. You are not “in charge” of where things should or shouldn’t be and what is junk and what’s important.
      Just thought I’d get you some insight from the other side. Not pissed at all about this type of thing 😏
      Going to keep rambling. This behavior from my husband makes me feel like I am invading “his space”. Like I am a free loader staying at his house. But that’s not it. It’s an apartment we got together and we both pay equal towards it. It just as much mine as his. Yet I feel like I am constantly getting scolded by my parent to “put my toys away”.

    • @GardensoftheAncientsHerbal
      @GardensoftheAncientsHerbal 2 роки тому +3

      @@Jennifer-fk8kb maybe I'm just wanting some basic communication and to stop ducking head in the sand. Basically over time your husband will resent you because you turn something so mundane that could be easily solved into what you just said. Seems like a lot of personal pride issues that you need to resolve

    • @GardensoftheAncientsHerbal
      @GardensoftheAncientsHerbal 2 роки тому

      Sounds like too you, hey baby can you tell me why this is here I'm trying to make the house nice as some condescending display to lower your worth and you could be farther from the truth. Basically him trying to resolve the homes clutter or daily repetitive problems is reminding you of how bad your behavior is and its atrocious. Stop treating your husband like this over such trivial things get over your insecurities and just talk it out over such basic things that healthy people just talk about. There is nothing toxic about the way that was asked what was toxic is this modern nonsense that you have concocted. In my example he even put it away so he is upset your just leaving stuff out that he is spending his time cleaning. Honestly he should just let you live in your bubble and not tolerate such nonsense. Nowhere is he making you a maid by simply asking you to put your stuff back after he cleaned the home you both live in together. Go find some hoarder or separate but don't torture some poor soul with that selfish logic... what are people teaching you women nowadays you are so hell bent on being prideful you can't see the forest from the trees. If you treat your man like that i hope he either tells you off or leaves because that mindset is awful.

    • @rnopes21
      @rnopes21 2 роки тому +3

      @@Jennifer-fk8kb no. Other people's past bad behavior or even past good behavior does not excuse current bad behavior. If it's something that truly needs to be worked through and it's important to the other partner and it doesn't involve any of these other horsemen situations, it's a responsibility of the other partner to communicate in a healthy way too. Silence is stonewalling.

  • @mikehess4494
    @mikehess4494 Рік тому +1

    Awareness is the first step.

  • @Danimal1577
    @Danimal1577 8 років тому +4

    Would if it is a long distance relationship, and the conflicts arise via phone and text?

    • @danielmonarrez6029
      @danielmonarrez6029 Рік тому

      im like i would date any woman Greeks because most of them are hard workers if you love them go for it

  • @DTvidsx20
    @DTvidsx20 Рік тому +1

    Facts

  • @Azzne-
    @Azzne- 16 днів тому

    What about if it is pointless to bring “it” up again?

  • @denisethorbjornsen7493
    @denisethorbjornsen7493 2 роки тому +1

    traffic causes delays

  • @TheDevilK
    @TheDevilK 3 роки тому +2

    But I feel like criticism must be a healthy part of any two peoples discussion, on any topic with outsiders for instance. Though I know I have some of these bad habits. My parents had a bad marriage and broke up when I was 11, and I lived with my mum for ages and picked up what I thought was supposed to be normal but was probably bad habits and examples. Argumentation and defensive, accusations and blame was daily, down to physical thrown things some times. And at different times later in life she was around and interfered I would say. Still that's blame isn't it.

    • @rnopes21
      @rnopes21 2 роки тому

      There's a difference between feedback and criticism. Criticism is to condemn judge and manipulate. Feedback is to improve or better the situation. If people truly want things to change, criticism is not the way to do it, feedback is. That requires following the communication styles outlined in this video.

  • @bagelside
    @bagelside 3 роки тому +2

    how do you send this to people without sending it to them

  • @johnrondeau1180
    @johnrondeau1180 Рік тому +1

    This won't work with a narcissist.
    Extremely difficult

  • @shaym106
    @shaym106 2 роки тому +1

    I guess I thought these "I" statements that every video on YT talks about would be helpful. When I try that method, I get told I'm making it about me.
    Is there another way around this? Is there another method I can use without the "I" statement and it sounding like I make convos about me?
    Any help would be appreciated. Thanks

    • @danielmonarrez6029
      @danielmonarrez6029 Рік тому

      i told a woman the love word she was a greeek woman princess saved her cousins life

  • @AscendedMasculine
    @AscendedMasculine 8 років тому +1

    A little better than my vid on it.
    The power of money. At least I acted mine out. :-p

    • @drawincode1800
      @drawincode1800 7 років тому

      Pinnacle Of Man I was always taught money was a sin but some people think it's god so who knows

  • @AngMillard
    @AngMillard 6 років тому +2

    Paul Ives

  • @stayreal120
    @stayreal120 Рік тому

    So true amen

  • @vistaestrada
    @vistaestrada 6 років тому +1

    Dr. Kreiser brought me here!

  • @xrc7445
    @xrc7445 Рік тому

    That was my sister towards me. I got fed up and cut her out.

  • @innerbalance101
    @innerbalance101 Рік тому

    The power of now

  • @TheTrueabundance
    @TheTrueabundance 3 роки тому +1

    And what if my partner is stonewalling me? How to react?

    • @MsSilverTulip
      @MsSilverTulip 9 місяців тому

      Make bids for connection and use "I" statements to communicate how it makes you feel

  • @joegreatmusicfirstweir9646
    @joegreatmusicfirstweir9646 Рік тому +1

    Classic rock is the greatest Styx the greatest as well 🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎵

  • @emiliog.4432
    @emiliog.4432 Рік тому

    End of the relationship or marriage but many couples will stay together for economic reasons. People will put up with the abuse for money and stability. It turns into a power struggle.

  • @beckydarrow
    @beckydarrow 3 місяці тому

    How do I know if it’s too late

  • @angelabates9753
    @angelabates9753 11 місяців тому

    Firstly, I only took the quiz out of curiosity. That being said, if my relationship status is "relationship pro" with only 2 points missed, why would I need to take any of your modules? 😂 The only points I lost are due to medical issues and don't actually affect the quality of my relationship! 😂🤣 Thanks anyways.

  • @solar2607
    @solar2607 2 роки тому

    What if this behaviour reflects true feelings? Why doesn't Dr. Gottman address this?

    • @KxNOxUTA
      @KxNOxUTA Рік тому +4

      Your feelings are valid. How helpful are they in resolving your situations, though? If you are at work and speaking to a person who has moe power than you, is that a principle you follow, too? Let's assume they are a genuinely nice person.
      When you are not feeling OK with another person, then you're by all means very invited to address your feelings first. However, there are actually ways to do this.
      Do you understand that "feeling frustrated" and "dumping frustration between you and another preson" are two completely different things?. You can first take a lookat your feelings and sit with them till they calm down enough so that you can speak with intent and not being taken on a crazy dangerous ride by your feelings. A break may help (as suggested). And then you return o the situation and tell the other person calmly "I felt very frustrated about what just happened. This is what happened for me. What was it like for you? Do we want this to continue? What can we do diffferently next time?"
      Own your feelings. YOUR(!). It does not matter what triggered them, you own them like you're responsible for a puppy. It can play wildly and that is OK, but it's your work to figure out how to keep it from biting people that you want to maintain a relationship with. And train that. And to give the puppy healthy outlets, cause supressing does typically not work on the log run.

  • @rachellloyd4175
    @rachellloyd4175 Рік тому

    True

  • @NidusFormicarum
    @NidusFormicarum 4 роки тому +2

    Not bad advice in itself, but extre------mly superficial and with lack of all intricate nuances and interpretetions of real life situations. For instance: No, defensiviness is not always about blaming anyone, stonewalling is not always a concious choice and a break of one hour is certainly not enough if you got really hurt by something. You might need five days before you are collected again.

  • @magdalenadandu7242
    @magdalenadandu7242 5 місяців тому

    What if the horsemen are present during dating

  • @JJNow-gg9so
    @JJNow-gg9so Рік тому

    And it did.

  • @Headroomtalking
    @Headroomtalking 2 роки тому +5

    Yeah good luck fixing humans without the spirit 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😍

  • @user-qu2oz2ut2h
    @user-qu2oz2ut2h 5 років тому +4

    I repent of behaving this way
    that did nothing good to me and my now former gf

    • @iniubongnkanga9390
      @iniubongnkanga9390 5 років тому +1

      I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

  • @temin7152
    @temin7152 Місяць тому

    I say I'm cool even when I'm not

  • @paulabillanes5084
    @paulabillanes5084 Рік тому +1

    I hate "whatever"

  • @richardbalboa7161
    @richardbalboa7161 5 років тому

    Nice

    • @iniubongnkanga9390
      @iniubongnkanga9390 5 років тому +1

      I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...

  • @gelino14
    @gelino14 10 місяців тому

    What song was used?

  • @Thehappyetruthteller
    @Thehappyetruthteller Рік тому +1

    Stone wall jacksons wife must have had a hard life 😢

  • @unnecessary_yapper
    @unnecessary_yapper Рік тому

    Make it 5
    beat-

  • @callmecon7105
    @callmecon7105 Рік тому

    Know them its normal for a narcissist

  • @salehasamsam5365
    @salehasamsam5365 3 роки тому +1

    Came here from blink.

  • @sandrineengozogo7634
    @sandrineengozogo7634 2 роки тому +1

    So at a planeterian level we should stop to critized Russia, start to show more respect, by also stoping to play with people emotion

  • @randomguybebo1490
    @randomguybebo1490 6 років тому +2

    Asznee, skunun, ranun, usnaa

  • @denisethorbjornsen7493
    @denisethorbjornsen7493 2 роки тому +5

    goodluck men only hear themselves and their wants

  • @kevinturposanchez1858
    @kevinturposanchez1858 3 роки тому

    gradeaundera