The Best Predictor of Divorce | Dr. John Gottman | Relationship Advice
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- Опубліковано 18 вер 2024
- Dr. Gottman talks about how a critical mindset poisons relationships and even affects the immune system. Couples can learn how to avoid this by learning some new skills.
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Suppressed anger, even from small irksome micro aggressions, can weaken the immune system. Being a nice doormat can kill you.
Perceiving everything as an aggression, micro or not, is a great way to make oneself miserable. I know a lot of people who assume everything that other people do that hurts or annoys them must be intentional, and they take it personally. If, instead, you look for more charitable alternatives, unless it’s unquestionably intentional and personal, you’ll be much less miserable. For example, if you say hi to a coworker or smile at them, and they give you a quick look and don’t respond, you could assume they have a problem with you about something, or you could assume there’s something going on that’s taken away their physical or mental ability to deal with you at that moment, like having to deal with a huge, emergent problem at work or having some problem at home that they don’t want to discuss at work. Then, at a calmer time, you can empathetically ask if everything is okay.
Nice to know bc I fell profoundly ill after less than two years of finally living w my partner and I guess I had so much supressed anger towards him…!!! He has done many things wrongly but I didn’t express it daily and look: I was sick. Not just sickly, as you can see in the photos, but I got really sick. Gravely.
now I snap at him more often and tell him what he’s done wrong, quite often too, and I am in a much better health, all while having a much more demanding life.
Weird huh?
especially when the doormat take a trip down the stairs
This is me and it’s absolutely killing me
My husband and I have been married for 40 years, and we are better now than we were in the first 25-30 years. In the mid-90s I almost finished an MFT degree, became familiar with Dr Gottman and the four horsemen then. Also was very tempted to end my marriage then.
I was raised by a full-on physically, emotionally, spiritually and (mildly) sexually abusive dad. I knew I had issues, still don't have a great handle on what those issues actually are, though, because my default is to believe quite sincerely that "it's probably my fault but even if it isn't, the only way I can make it better enough to go on is to admit and respond to it as if it is." I recognize that this is narcissistic in its own way: I mean, how much power do I actually have? Logically, there's no way everything is my fault, but as I say, it was just more efficient to act as if it was.
All that noted, I'm sure I wasn't easy to live with. My dad had a temper, as inferred above. Until marriage, I didn't know I was capable of being angry. I just had trained myself, I guess, to not even bother to feel it--to not feel ANYthing that might be interpreted by my dad as discontent or rejection, because even if I didn't say it, he'd still SEE it and react to it. But when I got married, I found in fact, I could feel anger, and I thought it was (probably) healthy that I felt safe enough to express it. I was aware that I didn't know HOW, though, and that even my tone of voice might sound/feel abusive. Still it felt like a breakthrough--I feel safe!
Only problem is, I married someone apparently as afraid of expressions of emotion/anger as I was. (I didn't realize how afraid I was until my husband pointed it out to me, maybe 5 years ago--one of the first times I felt he actually "saw" me and wasn't critical.) His fear expressed itself as contempt, at least. that's how it felt. It didn't help that he made clear he felt contempt for my dad.
Now, to be fair, maybe it's a compliment for someone who loves you to feel contempt for someone who hurt you, but it didn't translate that way to me. To me, it was, "I'm very like my dad, if you hate him, what will stop you from hating me?" I recognize maybe it's possible to separate the two, but the way my husband would have demonstrated it to me was by expressing compassion, even for my dad. Trying to understand him so he could understand me. Instead, it seemed more a blanket rejection, my dad was not deserving of the effort, and one infraction meant "You're dead to me."
Actually, even before my dad became an overt issue, my husband demonstrated that hardness of heart toward some couple friends we had. He felt the guy had betrayed him (a work thing). That was it, no effort to determine if his perception was correct, no forgiveness; we never saw them again, and I'd liked them, so it hurt me, too. My dad was similar, a high/low point of my relationship with my dad was his telling me I was an orphan when I was 18, and his efforts following that declaration to ensure no family or important friends had contact with me/helped me in any way.
I'm pretty sure I expressed this to my husband, how his attitude of "no quarter" affected me based on experience, but he didn't see a connection.
And to be fair, he has never even threatened to divorce me. (Ironically, it was not my dad who ended, officially, either of his marriages. In his mind, he probably 100% fulfilled his marriage vows.) He HAS forgiven me many things, too. I certainly showed that I shared more of my dad than just temper. And again maybe Ironically, it was after going down those roads that our marriage did start to improve, the fact that he did...keep me, and actually sermed to have compassion when I might most have deserved contempt. (I wasn't trying to hurt him.) Maybe part of that was he saw how the world was punishing me, and how I was punishing myself.
But prior to that, contempt was his go-to. Or, I called it, "the dead eye". Like, it didn't matter how much pain I was in, didn't matter how reasonable I was trying to be, he neither saw nor heard me.
He also was very critical, or maybe negative is a better word. He's a perfectionist himself, at least within the bounds of things he's willing to try, and I think he has a lot of anxiety/fear that he won't measure up...except in relationships. That's what seemed so bizarre to me, but it also makes sense, I guess. He bought into the myth that his parents' marriage was perfect, and that he, maybe, wasn't that smart, but he was oh so loving. I just think he really, really believed this, so the idea that he could be unloving (or his parents marriage wasn't perfect, or that he actually very much disrespected his mom, even if he didn't feel contempt (he dismissed her as an airhead,) and how his attitude toward his mom (he had no sisters, to boot, just three brothers, who all probably followed their dad's lead of loving but dismissing their mom?) Anyway, he tried very hard at work, but I felt, was just super lazy at home. When I'd suggesy counseling, he'd say, "Why do you want to torture me?" He'd eventually go only when I was like, "I don't think we're going to make it, if we don't." You're not supposed to threaten divorce, but...he was so dead to me, it seemed like only a clonk on the head with a cast iron pan would get him to move. Kind of the same with yelling: he hated that I yelled, that I panicked, but it took panic to get him to hear me.
One counselor even told him (a highlight of my life, because even I did realize this up to then,) that if he'd listen to me, I wouldn't get loud. (He not only didn't listen, he'd start talking right over me.) You know what? He was right! I can be quiet. I can speak reasonably!
At any rate, we definitely were not slated to survive--marriage, that is. But, what I feel like I can say now is, if you...just don't quit...it MIGHT get better. I still feel like he struggles to appreciate me...I just truly am a disappointment, especially re: career. But here's what's also bizarre: my failure to produce an equal income, my forcing him to carry the financial burden, made him very valuable to me. Also, I couldn't afford to divorce him. Who knows, maybe my failures were my subliminal way of saving our marriage?
But, physical costs were mentioned? I am now 62, and as hard as I have tried to be healthy, follow in MY mom's footsteps, not HIS mom's, I am breaking down hard, physically. Maybe it would have happened regardless, but most recently it's manifested in very severe osteoporosis--like, I'm literally breaking, compressing in on myself. Again, where my father-in-law shined was taking care of my mother-in-law for the 15 years she had debilitating arthritis and early onset dementia. It's a weird symbiosis, (if it IS that,) but my husband is kinder and more compassionate with physical debility or other great and obvious need. Who knows? Sucks though. Advanced osteoporosis is no joke. (This is on top of the energy depleting stuff I already have struggled with. In fact, that might have been when things turned: I developed hypothyroidism, simply was too tired to care/fight any more. About anything. 😢)
I have been with my husband for 11 years. Forgiveness and saying "I'm sorry"(and meaning it!) are key. Kindness and respect go a VERY long way.
then you're definitely above an average woman, not average yourself😂😂 well done!
@@tromboner6061Thanks!
Op is actually a man, its only explanation
@@tromboner6061lol
@@angelrosee73 Then you chose the wrong person for your life partner.
I think the best predictor of divorce is how a person handled their singleness. Too many people view singleness as a term punishment, and spend their time trying to get out of it rather than making efficient use of that season. I think the better perspective is to view singleness as the one and only period of time to refine and prepare yourself before joining your life with someone. There are people who don't figure out who they are or what they want until they're several years into their marriage. And then they discover their partner isn't really on the same page with them, or that they've evolved into someone else with needs that their partner can't or won't accommodate. This is frequently referred to as "growing apart" but it's really the couple wasn't truly together to begin with.
Well said
Getting married at a more mature age, like 30 instead of 25, is very helpful to avoid situations like that. Most people know what they want out of life by then.
Excellent point.
To add to that - I think if the couple grows apart, it doesn't automatically mean that it was a bad partner choice a couple of years earlier. Most of the time until growing apart could be a very beautiful time for both.
I see what you mean but sometimes people just marry young 😢
Coming up to 10 years married. One piece of advice I have learned is dont ignore warnings from friends of negative traits in a potential partner that you don’t see/agree with, especially at the start (infatuation stage.) I was blinded by certain personalities and had a horrible track record of firework relationships. I ended up dating someone who wasn’t ‘my type’…yet all my friends agreed she was perfect for me. Turns out 10 years later they were absolutely right and it’s only in hindsight I can see.
Narcissists are often very good at fooling their victim but it's much difficult to fool everyone around, especially the victim's friends whom a narcissist sees as a threat and competition since the day one. Real friends will tell you.
@@leobender2910do narcissists have their own friends? Do you mean they can fool whoever they are in a relationship with but not that persons friends? Or it’ll be much more difficult to fool their friends?
@@xoxjelloxox a narcissist wants the victim to be exclusively attached to him/her. Manipulations are much less efficient when the victim can reach to friends for advice and emotional support. Plus all narcissists are ultimately afraid of rejection and they always fear that the victim needs friends because he/she doesn't really need the narcissist. So the narcissist will be trying to distance his victim from his/her friends or undermine their friendship altogether from early on, and it can't go unnoticed for the victim's friends. They will see the red flags and will try to let the victim know.
@@xoxjelloxox narcissists don't have friends either, they have victims.
@@leobender2910 is this evident in all narcissists? Or just some?
That's a really interesting point he makes talking about how our criticism of others is a spill-over of our own self-criticism.
Dead on.
Wow.. Yeah "everything is a reflection"
Projection be like
All hate is self-hate. All love is self-love.
We're very solipsistic creatures.
He is actually describing the state-of-mind of someone who is very high in negative emotions. Otherwise known as sub-depression or fullblown depression. Or high on trait neuroticism (big 5 personality trait).
Unlike many superficial counselors, this man gave the diagnosis and the cure as well
For superficial read narcissistically motivated. Altruism isn’t what it once was. Nor seeking a vocation within today’s highly socially avaricious individualistic focused populations. This man wants to solve the problem not perpetuate it for a constant individualistic benefit of being seemingly altruistic.
Counselors need to repay their 6 figure student debt 😂😂
that's because psychologists and counselors are limited by science, they can not make claims outside science, a Theologian can be alot more expansive when discussing whats is moral with in it.
sorry man but you should try using less big words. I suspect it comes off as overly intellectual.
I have spent a long time fine tuning my speech and using 'avaricious'' and "individualistic" like that, comes off as a little ridiculous.@@brynleytalbot778
The quote "let them make mistakes" was really an aha moment for me. Loved this video. As a person with ASD I really do have to make an effort to not be an asshole, I'm currently in a happy marriage however this was gold.
I have to make an effort not to be an asshole too. In fact, I am that driver; the rest really are idiots and maniacs! Food for thought.
Being autistic doesn't mean someone will behave badly. Most autistics are conscientious and empathic. Be gentle with yourself. X
I'm autistic too. I have trouble when there is inefficiency. So long way through a parking lot, too many words to convey something, inefficient order of tasks. I say out loud "inefficiency is ok". I was often telling people how to do things so there would be more efficiency. This caused much upset and I hurt people I care about. Now I say my phrase and try to recite a funny bit of a show to calm myself.
My husband is much happier when I let him do things his own way.
Though sometimes the problem in any kind of relationship is when "the mistakes" make more work for the other party. It is easy to live by "let them make mistakes", if the the results of them don't land in your lap.
@@tomdell9836thank you for saying that. How often I have heard stuff like this with my ex and now with my kids. At the end it has usually been my workload getting bigger. Would e.x. loved to be more creative with kids, but it ended with them being happily painting for 30 min, but me needing to clean the stuff for 3x time. And they were not really willing to help. So it ended. "But just let them try" no thank you. I have cancer and an energy robbing chronic illness. And the fkat looks like shit, they don't mind, they are teenagers. Btw I did not raise them like that, but they have seen dad ignore the shit out of me and noone likes the critic. So I was the bad guy, who probably deserves that. Worse now they are teenagers in puberty and I'm not sure if I will even be alive to witness the stage when they might finally get all of it and be a bit grateful and say thank you you did all that despite being nagging, because at least you did while healthy ex dad just cares for himself and lives out his ego mostly.
Ohhh I remember my father speaking about this. He said a marriage can survive anything except this. I’ve managed to keep that away from mine, 26 years. It’s amazing what harm 2 ppl can do to each other over a long period of time.
A big congrats, 26 is impressive
@@patman2193 trust me, we neither are the dewy eyed newlyweds we once were. But recognizing that change happens and it can be a positive or negative experience is crucial. Laughter is also a key component, lots and lots of laughter. If you aren’t having several hearty laughs on your 1st date .. walk away.
@LisaG442 that's awesome. My wife and I are only 7 yrs married (13 yrs together). Trying to get our number up like you. I appreciate the advice. My wife is a cheap laugh, she laughs at all my jokes. I keep telling her we have a chance at making it. Lol. Best wishes.
Marraige is a man-made institution, and a total and complete waste of energy and time. No human on the planet is worth me signing a piece of paper that dissolves my rights and allows the government to define what my love means - which they do with a dollar amount
@@patman2193
Same here, she laughs at nearly all my jokes, I met her when I was 20 and I’m now 56…
I advised my son to find a girl he could make laugh easily, and he wouldn’t go far wrong
My marriage was doomed from the start. My ex would consistently look for excuses, in order to avoid responsibility, and I inevitably took on most of the responsibility and became the fixer. After 20 years I had no more energy to try to defend myself. I was done.
Same
Sounds like it was 100% their fault and you had no part in it.
@@benjamindavis2475they didn't say that they had no part in it, don't put words in their mouths. Sometimes people actually do marry a nasty individual and suffer because of it.
I currently am in the same situation, but pulled the plug after 3 years. We have a son together and it hurts loads, im miss him, but also her. Nevertheless I just couldn't stand it anymore, I had no energy left inside and I think I'd be completely broken within the next couple of years. When a relationship burns you out, take the joy of living, it's not meant to be
What she said bears no relation to what the video is about.
"Would look for excuses to avoid responsibility" sounds like a pretext to have contempt for him.
@@isaacholzwarth
Well put. This is also the conclusion of counselors (marriage) and executive coaches. Once contempt is present in any relationship, it is almost impossible to restore the relationship. This is because psychologically, contempt is close to disgust.
It’s like disgust mixed with hatred.
I disagree that it is almost impossible to restore. Based on his description of the "critic", I would say that I behaved with contempt towards my wife. The only thing that needed to change in order for our marriage to improve, was me. Once I dealt with my own issues and stopped seeing everything through a veil of anger, it was easy to appreciate my wife and see how great she really is.
@@jacobvelasco2152 Almost impossible because you had a fortunate breakthrough with your wife and recognized the issue. Congratulations. Not everybody does. Over half of marriages end in divorce.
@@jacobvelasco2152 lol, and what has she done to improve your marriage? Let me guess, nothing?
@@ivboltwhy are you showing contempt toward someone else's wife?! They resolved the issue. He was probably taking innocent things she said and he was taking it as passive aggression or something. It's a common thing.
It took my wife and I many weeks of counselling to realising this and we're all the more better off for it
It’s really nice to hear a success story….thank you!
How do you recover? What are the steps/processes to rebuild?
"Looking at the relationship in terms of what's missing instead of whats there" I'm guilty of this, in a way I don't notice. I keep thinking of how I wish the situation was instead of appreciating how it is. I hate to say it because it's so cliche, but gratitude is extremely necessary during these times. So that's what I'll focus on, gratitude.
True, it's an easy pattern to fall into, esp when you were raised in a critical household so it's embedded into your brain lol.
More than gratitude, what helped me most was focusing on having a positive mindset! I'm always so negative 🥲 bc my life has been so hard, lots of trauma. But after reading & learning more about psychology (from vids like this, articles & studies) I realized that simply forcing myself to think positively literally made a drastic improvement in my outlook.
Just the act of recognizing when I get in a negative mindset loop & telling myself to stop & focus on good things. Telling myself everything is going to be ok & it's not that serious. My husband taught me that one lol, he's reassured me everything is going to be ok so much that I've started telling myself! & it works! 😂
Sorry to ramble. Wanted to cosign what you said & share what's helped me, too. Solidarity & love ❤🙏🏻
Remember that no relationship will ever be perfect.
My husband and I have been happily (not perfectly) married for 10 years. As exactly the critic described in this video, I needed to see this today. Thank you for the insight.
Powerful. May god bless you and your husbands path
I bet you will divorce and leave your husband homeless...any man that marry is a fool to me.
@@keiharris332religious rigth, abd dirty communists leftists. I ll erase you both sides. I also despise neutral centrist they are weak and cowards. Ill purge the earth
Don't be involved in other people's mistakes. Let them make mistakes. Look at what is working.
Great summary
Until the mistakes threaten your life then you stand up for yourself and are labeled a “ critic”
Most people who divorce have picked the wrong person to marry. They get married because of a “feeling”. Where are shared values, shared ideas of how to handle decisions, how to fight fairly, how to deal with in-laws, how to handle finances, future goals as a couple (where do we want to be in 5 years, financially, relationally, personally). Most just jump in. No plan. No forethought.
This is so true but rarely if ever talked about.
I'd hate to think of marriage as a financial partnership.
@@rorrschach8339 Love will only take a marriage so far. You need shared finances, goals, rules on children, in-laws, etc. Get the major decisions over with right at the beginning. Why wait to get into the marriage and then have fights over the above. Values are very important
@@monicaambs Aside from the children part, none of that matters.
Well, we had all that. But I wish we had more feeling. He wasn't very extroverted, I was the first gf he was my first. So I thought, well we need just time to grow. Exept his empathy didn't grow. Got rather worse, plus he suddenly changes values etc. got into conspiracy, didn't put effort into his kids anymore.
Looking back it was kike I settled for logic and not enough feeling to back it.
This is one of the most helpful 3 minute speeches I've ever seen. I come from a background of two parents with nothing but contempt for each other since long before I was born. I largely stay far away from them now but it's very helpful to understand them better.
😲
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. and more Yes.
You are doing the contempt now, yourself, towards your parents.
@@orion9k Sometimes, when people won't change (you know they won't change after a lifetime when they refuse to listen, they have excuses to cancel any counselling appointments at the last minute, and bring the chaos and arguments into your home with your spouse and children when they "visit" ruining your attempts to have peace in your home and build happy memories for your own children).....it becomes necessary to cut them out of your life. As a child, you can't protect yourself from the ugly dynamic. As an adult, you deserve to protect the quality of the rest of your life and also protect your home and children from a dynamic that your parents continue, whether intentionally or not, whether they know it or not. If someone with a live grenade shows up on the doorstep of your home, you don't have to let them in, whether they know they have the grenade in their pocket or not. If you cannot relate because you have never experienced this, then God has already blessed you.
@@orion9kone does not need to hug a porcupine to love it. That is not contempt.
The unspoken of elephant in the room is that almost all people who dump contempt on others are narcissists. It is true that they want their own superiority to be acknowledged but they also lash out to control, to inflict pain and derive pleasure from that. This is one of those scorpion and frog things where you can't really fix the scorpion because there is nothing technically wrong with it: Stinging others is in it's nature, it's what they do. And this is where most self help authors fail when they publish stuff about how to be in a relationship with a scorpion and keep it from killing you. My advice for frogs would be to get away from scorpions and when you want a friend, look for creatures that don't want to destroy you.
Although I agree with the nature of the beast... I would be careful with the word "narcissist" because some people have a learned behavior that's not necessarily narcissism.
The unspoken elephant is that whining and complaining (...about suposed narcissists...) and seeking protection by the state instead of taking your own matters into your own hands and taking responsibility for your part in the equation is dominating our safe space oriented society. Yes, there are predators out there and yes you need to have your eyes open. But you also have to have a bit of a thick skin and stop whining and complaining.
Good comment. Noted.
I think that we need to say narcissism and sadism louder and louder, on and on. There will be an annoying period of faddishness. Overapplication. And after all the shouting maybe we’ll finally hear ourselves. There is part of all of us capable of taking pleasure in causing pain. Some of us have put this at the center of how we relate to others, either 24/7 or in moments of variable stress. We organize society around it and call it god or justice. A lot of us call it Mother. But for let’s please wake the f up.
Taming of the Shrew by contrast shows that someone can gain an alpha position.
Thank you for this video. My spouse displayed much contempt towards me. The immune function loss is true. I got sick on and on and am still getting sick while going through a divorce. Before i packed and left i had walking pneumonia so bad i needed an inhaler to breathe. Then i got shingles from all the stress i am going through. Now i am hearing victims of shingles have a 56% chance of heart attack within 12 months. Its like my body took a deathwish attack from his vibes energetically.
My mom had shingles and she was very unhappy in her marriage, she also had lupus and connective tissue diseases.
@@kims1912 does she divorce?
@@carole1878 yes she did
My ex would go out of her way to the opposite of what I asked. Her contempt was visible on so many planes but especially to others. My narcolepsy went into overdrive. Which made her hate me even more. The marriage didn't last long. 3 years, 3 months, 7 days and 3 hours to the minute. But who's counting. What always upset her was that I left for no other reason than to leave her. Oh how she looked to see if there was another woman. She couldn't except the fact that she was a very bad hollow shell of an empty soul of a person.
I think he was saying that the contempt harms the person who has it for others. If someone tries to curse you with their words and attitudes, I encourage you to study the blessings of God which are recorded in the bible and directed to those who trust Him.
this man is brilliant! I have to admit being too often guilty of criticism towards family, partner, etc and the way he layed out the expectation of the critic made me burst into a laughter of myself, he's put a mirror in front of my eyes so I can stare and realise how pathetic that is of me. I will be working on it for sure ^^
We share a name and I am also a critic. Will be working on it too 🎉❤
I am ridiculously critical and this is the slap I needed.
there are times when you can actually feel the poisons dripping in your system when you encounter disdain ....I have known that for years. So glad he has put it into words that make sense.
Dang, this comment is 10 years old. I hope things worked out, meaning you were able to get away from this person! 🙏🏻
Going through the same thing right now. Finally someone has been able to put this feeling ive had for a long time now in words
I feel like contempt needs to be clarified when he speaks on it. When someone is respectfully saying their needs aren't being met (zero connection or effort given by the other person) - when the recipient of that spins it into this whole outlandish fight by getting defensive and saying "I NEVER make you happy," "nothing I do is good enough," etc. that person is taking the unmet needs and spinning it into a form of criticism when it isn't. The way Gottman explains it in all of these shorts would allow the other person to feel as though they're being held in contempt because he doesn't specify the difference between a healthy complaint and frivolous or mean spirited forms of criticism.
I recommend you to read his book. In a nutshell, complaint is about an action, criticism is about their character.
I guess you should watch the link below. What i understood is that contempt is when you complaint in a disrespectful manner or in a position when you look down upon your partner. Whereas the situation that you talk about is a scenario might be either because he is not on a positive outlook i.e not feeling emotionally fulfilled by his partner or may be not interested in investing in his partner..
ua-cam.com/video/AKTyPgwfPgg/v-deo.html
I have lived that exact scenario myself...looking back on it I was starting the issue by wanting to fix what I perceived as broken in them or us. But I didn't focus on the good stuff enough and my approach wasn't great. Yes my wife is extremely emotional from genes and past trauma but I got engulfed by her negative reactions and my own desire to try to solve everything. Yes she did have a lot of negative stuff ...but bringing it up just put her in the "I never make you happy" etc. zone which felt like a viral loop....And there were times when she was being flat out irrational and she still used these destructive defense tactics. Meaning she used it at any perceived threat whether justified or not. so it all got stressful and confusing to unravel...after 2 times at a marriage counselor we are both more clearly seeing how we both contributed to destructive behavior. I also got severe neck pain after our conflicts.
Not all health problems are due to problems in relationships. In my experience I try to communicate my desires, wishes, needs to my husband and it goes on deaf ears, and later he tells me he doesn't understand women. Marriage is not for the weak.
@@septiccoststemporal mandibular joint disorder?
Bet it's more common with folks who had braces
Or them folks that grind their teeth at night
I try to not clench my jaw when I'm mad
It's really freaking hard
You gotta want it
Clenched fists and stuff is like rice cakes if teeth clenching is oatmeal cream pies...
This 3 1/2 minute has more concentrated wisdom than any other I have seen.
I think marriage is one of the top predictors.
I think that being alive is even better indicator.
Underated joke
Contempt: the single biggest indicator of divorce.
The Relationship Cure is a fantastic read. The Gottmans are proof of love and logic, their work helps with all relationships like your children, co-workers, and friends!
In my experience it’s not as simple as telling a critic not to be critical, since they usually have a background of having been raised by critical parents (who have been raised by… yeah, you guessed it!) and having experienced a lot of contempt while growing up. It’s too easy to then just go and criticize the critic, which is actually what dr. Gottman is doing here; making the audience laugh, hahaha, by making fun of the critic’s habits. And then just telling the critic not to be so critical. Of course he’s ‘RIGHT’, but it’s a bit too easy to just ‘criticize the critic’ and tell them not to be so critical…
I think for a three minute video, it does its job, namely, simply diagnosing the overall issue. He’s written so many books over the years, and he talks about this point a lot. You’re right that we shouldn’t just tell a critic, “Don’t be critical,“ But that’s not his overall approach in the big picture.
I agree! I am a very critical person, internalized it because of my father’s countless comments over the years. Yet, I try my best not to verbalize it to other people, I just say it to myself and get silently angry or frustrated. However, I can’t “not say it” to myself, because of course, when it comes to my mind, it comes to… well.. MY mind. It’s a struggle, it’s something I am very aware of but haven’t been able to change yet.
Does anyone know a good book for curing criticalness towards others? I’ll be sure to see what I can find too. I know from my experience the days my relationships are best is when I am proactive but also practice existing as One amongst others. Finding a flow state socially and not letting my ego let me believe I’m different or more “virtuous.” I have strong hope for curing. I know they are not the problem. The speaker is right the critical self talk can become a habit that has the capacity to project outwards. Thanks for the comments guys 👍🏻
@@renatagibson445Thank you for your honest position in this topic. It helped me relate and understand
You're correct! I'm going to try to explain it simply even though I'm complex. A critic is really someone who evaluates and then modifies. I actually still can't decide whether they are a critic or judge. The example he uses however is someone in the excess (excessively speeding) and someone who is rational (driving the limit or slower than they should).
These two are polar opposites, being in excess and being rational. What we call the critic is someone who lies somewhere in between the two, where they evaluate and modify. In fact everyone is a critic on some level because daily we have to constantly evaluate and modify. The only difference is some people ARE literal critics. The sad part being that we usually fall to one side or the other.
Another really strong predictor of divorce is marriage. A very strong majority of divorced couples were married at some point before their divorce.
😂😂😂😂
You're right. You cant fail if you never try. So dont try. Sont do anything and look down on those who do.
Dr. Gottman, I would you rather you say these are identifiers of marital problems that should be addressed. Presenting these as “predictors of divorce” make those effected see their marriage as one that should end.
13 years old at least and this guy is 100x better than modern day psychologists.
oldest looking 13 year old ive ever seen
@@anwealde- Just wait till he hits puberty
So true. I've seen when the contempt ocurrs in other peoples marriages. Within a year they either find a way to work things out or they are in divorce proceedings.
Once you have contempt for your partner, that marriage is over.
That driver analogy is like a milder version of how broken people categorize everybody as either tools or obstacles, and sort them into fools or villains for it. I'm known as the chillest driver at my workplace, mainly because i was so ashamed of having this awful outlook in my volatile 20s.
I heard a great quote about criticism..along the lines of...if someone cares enough to critise you and they are right....they are making you a favor....and if they are wrong than who the hell cares???
Wasn't married but was in a 4 year long relationship. My gf started behaving very badly in the final year we were together, like, just in very stupid and foolish ways, and even after talking to her about it several times, it never got better. I definitely grew to view her with contempt, and it totally killed any attraction I had had for her. I still feel bad about it, but for whatever reason she couldn't really get her head screwed on straight, and I ended up feeling like I was with a clown human being and had no choice but to end things.
I think something that is missing from these discussions is that that yes, contempt is poison, but that means it's on both partners to not behave in contemptible ways, and if you see any shred of contempt inside you, you need to try to course correct with the other person right away or things sour very quickly.
he points out a really important dynamic; the way you treat yourself can often become the way we treat others.
It can go back to the way you're raised; the way you feel like you've been treated is often the way you expect to be treated by yourself and others.
Growing as a person past the limitations of your own upbringing may require loving yourself in a way you've never been loved, celebrating you for all of your unique qualities and looking past your flaws in favor of being kind, gracious and understanding.
If you can do that, and fill your own cup... then you can do that for others.
I say this as an incredibly critical and harsh person... I'm kind of an expert unfortunately.
that is beautifully put! You have a way with words! 😊
Yes my childhood wasn't that great 😢
Yeah, I figured this out on my own. Contempt is a state of mind, its a conviction, a finality in the person's mind of how they see you or you see them. It's over. BTW there is no such thing as love. That's to sell stories. It's respect and only respect.
Love is real. It’s beyond respect. The truest form of it is wanting what’s best for someone (or something), even if their best does not include you. Think of a parent in a sinking ship passing their child to rescuers while they go under. That form isn’t necessarily healthy because it can lead to becoming a doormat.
What you care about you treat with respect. Th8ugh not all things you respwct you care about
In all things, be grateful
That is difficult but necessary
the one that cares the least in a relationship is in control.
This is beautiful and spot on. The difference between a cultivated attitude of gratitude and autopilot criticism is massive.
Some criticism is genuinely constructive. The toxic kind of criticism is more complex. Most chronic critics are seeking validation and recognition, but they put others down to self-soothe. These insecurities that radiate from within are then projected onto everything in the surroundings. It's the easiest option when you're overwhelmed with intense emotions with deep-rooted origins. It can be harder when you deal with matters of the subconscious mind. Sometimes people lack malice and are simply reckless with their words. However, those that incessantly seek negativity in every space, place, or person is simply someone who cannot look inside. It's easier to project than it is to reflect.
Gottman makes a distinction between criticism and complaint. Complaint is about the situation or the action. Criticism is about the person’s character. The latter is the toxic one.
@@evilsharkey8954 I did not catch that. I noticed in other videos that complaining was actually framed in a positive light and I love that. I never thought complaining could be constructive. That makes me smile. I'm being taught how to positively complain. I'm conditioned to feel guilty for complaining, so it's a surprise to me. It's like "filing a complaint" but in relationships.
Reciprocal respect and gratitude can do wonders.
As soon as I got married, I got hounded to send money to my wife’s parents so they could pay their bills. And as soon as I went into “protect my family’s assets” mode, my wife became an enraged drunken lunatic. We had 2 kids together and we are separated now and she does not make an effort to see our kids. I have ever known a loving relationship, and at this point in my life, I don’t expect to. I just work. And make my living, and try to give my kids as best of an opportunity at life as possible. And I pray everyday that they find true love and not be taken advantage of the way I was.
Sorry to hear about what you had to face. Unfortunately, movies have brainwashed us into believing that Life Partners only are the ones with whom we can fall in love. I come from a Country called Bharat, where I personally feel, that Parents are the only True Love in One's life, and no one can ever replace their love and caring. In fact, owing to various factors, we even after marriage live with our parents and take care of them in old age, trying to give back the love and affection. However, with materialising society and globalisation, many children move out of homes in homeland.
Please don’t remarry. Concentrate on raising your kids. They want and need your full attention. Bringing in a step parent will make things worse for you and the kids.
Take a look at Erin Thiele books.
I have a lot of love for people who endure these challenges and come out on top. Don't let them beat you!
Expecting you to take responsibility for two families at the same time is borderline criminal behavior towards your kids.
Ditto to never having a loving relationship and not expecting one. A few years ago it dawned on me that i have never been loved by another adult, not even my parents. I am attractive, successful, fit, smart, engaging, and hard-working. Also, I have volunteered in some capcity my entire life. Now, I just work, take care of my child, and see my friends occassionally.
U can see contempt in 5 minutes -- called an eye roll.
An eye roll isn't contempt.
@@JSeesSo what is it? And according to you, what is contempt then? What signs?
@@zuhairrezaFrom my perspective, an eye roll is a release of pent up annoyance. Third time reminding a family member to do their task while you are juggling five...and
THEY get annoyed? I roll my eyes at you, sir. If they then deliberately skip their task, do it half ass, or tell you the task is stupid (when it was previously agreed upon), that's contempt. If you then tell them you knew they would screw things up and nobody cares about their input, that's contempt.
This is maybe the most significant 3 minutes of my day. Excellent insight here.
That contemptuous behavior is hard coded in childhood. Girls watch their mom interact with men, or talk about them. It's permanent.
Nota: Buscar más conferencias de este hombre 👌
Thanks for this. Not being so involved in people’s mistakes. That’s a good advice to become less neurotic. And more loveable. Seems obvious but… hm.
Marriage is the best predictor of divorce.
And living is the best predictor of dying.
@@73cidalia
Chill.. try to take a joke once in a while..
Hahahaha
can't get divorced if you don't get married *insert smart meme*
Being born is the best predictor of getting cancer.
Great points… 1) don’t be involved in peoples mistakes (and seem like your criticisijg them) and 2) the antedate to criticism is appreciation
You have just helped my relationship so much! Thank you!!!
Does anyone have advice on how to overcome contempt? I’m prone to being the type of critic described who gets involved in other people’s mistakes. I’ve been aware of this for years now - most of the time I keep myself in check, but the critical thoughts of others (and myself) still come to me almost instinctively. It’s a poison for my relationships and my own internal perception of my life and of the world, but I find it so difficult to shake.
See a psychiatrist or psychologist… if you can’t afford that, watch videos on here. Specifically, look up personality disorders such as narcissism and BPD.
Reminding yourself that you’re full of flaws, and you made, make and will forever make stupid mistakes. Remembering that your environment, past, and experiences with the world is astronomically different from other’s.
I'm working on it myself but I needed to let go a bit and envision a longer term picture. Is all the little bs worth point out and getting worked up over? I hated that I was turning into a real jerk. I work on it everyday and try my best to be a little nicer or understand. Man people can be dumb though.
Meditation is probably the path with highest likelihood of success (but hard!), besides psychedelics. Just my opinion no medical advice ;)
Consciously wanting the best for others allows you to be aware of your critical instinct in the moment and realise that criticism is not what they need at the moment. You being a supportive person is what they need. Once you practice this awareness, it should help a little.
He just described someone projecting their own inner irritability...even contempt is projected inner feelings quite often.
looks like I am a critic. I have found in that 3 min answer to: why I act like this, what I expect and whatnI should do instead. that was precious speach. thank you sir
Scan for whats working and whats right (gratitude) will dissolve the approach of the critic in your world before they even open their mouth to you.
However, what throws you off is those little moments when you are too much in your own world of gratitude and you turn to them in an ordinary conversation and they say something very distasteful...thats when your gratitude dips fast and you find yourself irrated or sad for no reason....you'll just have to let it roll off your back to make the rest of the relationship flow.
I may have just found the answer to the question I have been asking myself. 😮
These truth bombs earned my subscribe. God bless you for this work.
Short and very insightful, thanks a lot.
I have just stumbled by luck on this video, I never seen this man but this video alone is enough for me to like him, I also couldn't help but notice that he is Jew, and I just wanna say thank you, from me, as a man and as a Muslim, I truly look forward for the day where all people religious or not will live with utmost respect for eachother beliefs.
Thank you.
The best predictor of divorce: Marriage
What if their mistakes cost you financially/ financial stability?
Get out.
The whole "idiot" vs "maniac" on the road thing unfortunately describes me very well. I got to work on it
I like how they put up "complain" as an antidote. Contempt is usually bred from keeping stuff inside. Obviously dont complain all the time but voice your feelings and listen to them.
I already made an initial comment, but, now, I’ve watched it all, wow, he is insightful about what goes on in the mind of a critic. I’ve always been puzzled about their motivation and his is the first explanation I’ve ever seen that seems spot on.
Where can we see the rest of this man’s content?
What about contempt from 2/3 sources, the spouse and the in-laws? Is that even more terrible for the immune system?
The guy driving down the road analogy is totally me. That was nice to hear
The moment your partner isn't actively advocating on your behalf and visa versa it's over. For example - when I have the day off work but my wife has to work she will say "Well you should just relax and enjoy you day. Catch up on that Netflix show you have been talking about". The day she says "That sucks you get the day off and I have to work. I sure hope you get that yard work done" is the day your marriage is on the downslope.
To appreciate every ONE is soooo important
I’ve loved (and shared) that George Carlin quote for years!!! It’s a great reality (self) check
I used to Work Incident Response on our freeways, seen some shit.
Whays funny, once i lesrnt how traffic behaves (its different from a person, i know right), you can 'read' the flow and rather than being stressed you get to relax and enjoy. At leasy once you settle in 😅
Funny, true & sweet education💕😍
I developed contempt for my ex wife when she continued to spend money that I brought to the table like there was a limitless supply while not giving anything back, then when begging her to see a marriage counselor she refused. I guess I should’ve just looked at the ‘positive’ side of things and everything would’ve worked out. Silly me.
Yes, I think this talk is quite one sided. Many people have spent years working on a marriage with the other person making horrible decisions or abandoning the relationship in passive aggressive attitude of indifference. After years of this, it can be hard to not have feelings about it.
You should have not got married to begin with.
As a man, there's very little to gain and everything to lose. Why would she stop spending money? She's legally entitled to spend all of it-- even after you've divorced she's legally entitled to spend it.
I want to understand this better. What if you have a tough time getting your partner to clean up because a messy room doesn’t allow you to focus? What if you feel you’ve asked your partner something numerous times but they keep repeating the same behaviour?
Well the obvious answer/ not gona sugar coat it ; if not having a clean room is SOOO terrible then why wouldn't you clean it your yourself? are you a cripple? nagging instead of doing, see the difference, and 2 wrongs never make a right, just causing stress for yourself and them. Sure there is probably many other circumstances here going on besides what you mention. That being said; you probably need to accept that your partner is lazy?, or just get out of the relationship. Life is simple, you do you, let them do them. Just throwing it out there, an analogy many years back; I had a roomate , just refused to do the dishes, great guy (had been friends for a few years) but living together just sucked/ha ha. let his dishes sit in the sink dirty all day-(just great for attracting bugs). I just absolutely couldn't and diden't want to live like that, and ofcouse washed all the dishes for a few months/realized its never gona change , so I straight up told him im out. Time to move on.... Best of luck, -Cheers
The big thing is what type of person are you....if you get bored easily....then marriage might not be for you. The truth is..new people are exciting
As the saying goes, negativity is the cure for zero.
It is very simply: there are people who can be together and people who can't. People who can be together accept another person as it is. People who can't be together try to change another person from own view.
What a wonderful explanation of a real characters.
Wow! Was that ever my marriage after we got married! I wish I had said this!!!
This is an absolute gem.
But why does the receiver get sick instead of the contemptuous person?
Because they are being bulli4d and ha e to walk on egg shells, havr a heightened fl7ght/fight stress response whenever thr person throwinf jabb is aroynd
I tried to be positive around someone like that when something had gone wrong and he was upset about it, and he swung on me with a furious visage and demanded, "Are you telling me I'm wrong??!! There's no dealing with these kind of people. They like being that way. I am forced to be around him so I just do the Grey Rock technique as often as necessary.
What cures one person kills another....
My family does that (extended and my dad) and my parents are still married. The kids and I were always sick not my husband at the time. Interesting. I became a good critic after years of being around them.
The need for praise and inability to take criticism ( which is a common trait of the male ego ) is equally as destructive as constant criticism and negativity. These two in a sense deserve each other!!
The levels of stupid you have to be to make aspects of the ego gender specific is astounding. Please use contraception.
Yo are way off the mark when generalizing about men
@@timtruett5184 I did not say it is a general trait, but a common one. To crave recognition and get upset when getting negative feedback.
There's no such thing as the "male ego". Both men and women have egos. But due to societal misandry, we call women's egos "self-esteem".
@@cockoffgewgle4993 That is nonsense. Of course both genders have egos. The female and male ego just operate a little different. The male one often is obsessed with acknowledgment for competence and skills, while the female may go to excesses in craving attention to inner processes, being cuddled almost like a child and such things. Both are immature, unaware behaviors and cravings. Neither are those of a self-sufficient, humble adult focused on unconditional giving.
Wow... Such a wise and humble man! Rare.
Interesting points that could prove useful. However, I would add that society elevates critical thinking as such a good thing that people use it every way it does not need to be.
Critical thinking and criticism of others are... very different things
@@purpurina5663 Hha case in point.
Critical thinking is about using logic and reason so that we won't be fooled. It is about recognizing logically valid arguments, logical fallacies, sophistry, and self delusion. We can't abandon critical thinking without losing a large part of what makes us human, but I really don't think that's what Gottman is talking about.
People seem to treat being single as being a punishment, rather than the time to expand who they are and add to what they could potentially bring to a relationship, so that if & when they choose some one they can bring that whole, full self to the relationship, while not needing to be possessive of anyone in the relationship. I think it heavily has to do with social media and how little privacy is valued, and also how much people are inundated in popular media with the idea that being in a relationship with someone is the ultimate goal of one's life. One of the best things to ask on a date is "what are your hobbies?" or "or what brings you fulfillment outside of your work?". If there is no answer there, the other person is probably either too busy for a relationship, or looking to get into a relationship as an escape for the things they don't want to do in their life. I've seen way too many relationships start from the need for social validation or to *avoid* loneliness, rather than from wanting to be with that specific person. I really would think it'd be harder to be contemptuous of someone you actively want to be in your life, rather than just the next person who checks all the predefined boxes. Honestly marriage culture is kinda creepy & possessive overall imo anyways, not to mention clearly more emotionally manipulative consumerist propaganda. It's weird. Thank you for this perspective!
Oh wow, people who hate each other are more likely to get divorced, much insight
Simply ask to the couples at hand how often they do it,if it's not even close to be called a regular thing then there is the most obvious predictor that the relationship will fail and from there you basically can by default assume that there is all others break up predictors in present ...smex is foundation of romantic relationship and everything that you gonna build on trash foundation by default becomes unstable af.
The best predictor of divorce is having clicked on this video. Greetings from NYC!
So true! Love this video! Thank you! ❤️🙏
Practical and concise advice. So refreshing to see him get right to the point, unlike most others.
Actually, all the critic wants is for people to say "you're right, I'll try to do better."
What a better world this would be if people took criticism and tried to become better rather than just getting defensive.
This might make me sound like the very person in question, but is there ever a time in a relationship where criticism is okay? I understand it is important to be very sparing with it, but sometimes disagreements can arise, people can do things we are not particularly fond of. It's certainly not good to be the critic (albeit I unfortunately and probably fall into that category) but I also don't think it is good to be a people-pleaser or to always agree to things you don't actually agree on.
I'm sure there's a balance. If you accept every negative thing that comes your way, then you'd be a doormat. To be totally contemptuous of someone is black and white thinking though, and when you fall into that, you can't see anything positive anymore. Outside of having a partner who is outright abusive, there will be positive things to focus on, and I think we can get so negative that we don't see the positive anymore and then we can become toxic w/ only contempt.
I don't understand the visceral hate for any kind of criticism. This attitude plays both ways. The critic sees the world and it's flaws and knows it can be better. Nobody acknowledged them and no one is looking to improve. They don't criticize because they hate themselves, that's just an insult to make yourself feel better. They criticize because they care and want to see the world be the best it can be. When you completely reject criticism they see you as stubborn and narcissistic, as if you are already so perfect that you are without flaw and how dare anyone try to suggest otherwise.
What's important isn't that you must only be positive all of the time and never improve, what matters is how we respond to it. Learn to criticize without placing blame or guilt. Be constructive in what you say. Understand that change is hard and people will always be imperfect. And you do need to acknowledge the good they've done to give reason why someone should even bother accepting your criticism. Likewise the other needs to stop painting critics as these evil people just out to hurt them. Don't try to create conflict where there is none. Understand that they may not have the full picture of the situation either of what you're really going through. We can have these critical exchanges without turning it into abuse if we just stop painting the other side of arguments as the villain.
Love the idiot/maniac example 😂
"Thank you so much for pointing out my mistakes" 😂
I mean I'm not married but this is just good life advice, I've found that i'm terrible at being a self critic, I'll analyze my life and relationships to where I went wrong and be miserable and filled with self hate, I think it's crucial to occasionally put on the glasses of the critic for yourself and the world but one should generally live their life as an appreciator. Also I loved the way this guy explains it, now I understand why people do gratitude journaling.
I'm not that kind of critical driver. I just drive and don't really notice how other people drive, until I'm driving w/ someone else and they start pointing it out. I think I put contempt in my last relationship though. Yet there was a lot wrong, and people tell me, it was him who dropped the ball, whatever I did or didn't do, that I put up w/ a lot. Since it ended in him cheating, I can't afford to second guess myself, since that's on them.
I had no clue Dr. Gottman is Jewish! Way too cool
(A fellow proud Jew here 🙋🏻♀️)
That's a very nice talk mr. professor, but after having thought about it more thoroughly: have you ever thought about why is there so much contempt (or in other words negativity)? Have you ever researched why are the people, that are negative, negative? That maybe it is because they might be missing something. Maybe they're poor, maybe they're under constant pressure, stress, mistreatment, uncertainty, fear etc.? And that if the contempt is caused by prevailing external factors in one's life, maybe saying things like "just stop being negative'' is not going to help? I say we need tangible help here. Systemic changes.
100% of divorce is caused by marriage! 100% of relationship survival is commitment.❤️🥰,jpk