After 40 years of marriage, we always look at the "marriage" as a third party which we must respect and nurture. I have found that if I treat my wife everyday as if we were on our fist date, things work out beautifully.
Tremendous- the ultimate question I believe.. must be "how does she accommodate you" does she reciprocate said behavior or have you benefitted primarily due to her sense of euphoric stupor based on your behavior oppose to your wife's volition?
@@Spree1775 Her accommodation is mutual. In addition, we both realize our relationship affects many other individuals than just ourselves. It is the rock upon which an extended family was built.
Here is Easy Notes Avoid Criticism Example (No): "You talked about yourself all through dinner. You never care about what I have to say. You're so self-centered." Example (Yes): "I felt a bit overlooked at dinner because I didn't get a chance to share about my day. Can we talk about it now?" Avoid Defensiveness Example (No): "Well, if you hadn't been late coming home, I might have asked about your day!" Example (Yes): "You're right, I should have asked about your day. How was it?" No Disrespect or Contempt Example (No): "You think your job is so important; you act like you're better than everyone else." Example (Yes): "I know your job is demanding, but I also have experiences to share. Let’s balance our conversation more." No Stonewalling Example (No): Silence with no response while the partner continues to express concerns. Example (Yes): "I'm feeling overwhelmed by this conversation right now. Can we pause and revisit this in a little while?" Cultivate a Culture of Appreciation Example (No): "You finally did something right with the dinner tonight." Example (Yes): "Thank you for making dinner tonight. It tasted wonderful, and I really appreciate the effort you put into it." Develop an Understanding Map Example (No): "I don't know why you're so stressed all the time. Just relax." Example (Yes): "I remember you mentioned your project deadline is coming up. How is that going? Do you want to discuss how you’re feeling about it?" Foster Fondness and Admiration Example (No): "It's just dinner, anyone can cook it. What’s the big deal?" Example (Yes): "I really admire how you manage to cook such great meals even after a long day. You’re amazing, and I’m grateful for what you do." If you reading this Wish you Many Many blessing
6:205:1 Ratio of Positive to Negative 😊😊😊😊😊 7:30 Negativity to bring some reality and renewal 8:50 4 BIG NEGATIVES TO AVOID. 10:58 Defensive Whining. 12:02 Disrespect and Contempt. 13:58 + Create a different habit of mind. 14:18 Stonewalling 16:30 +Friendship + Love Maps + Mutual Interest in your partner 21:30 Bids for Love ❤️ 27:00 “I’m Sorry.” 32:10 33:27 Moving from Gridlock to Dialouge 39:09 Women 40:30 Calm Down 44:00 Relationships, Shared Meaning to build Love Affection and Respect ❤
1. Culture of appreciation, fondness, and admiration. 2. Love maps, and asking open-ended questions. 3. Responding to bids and other attempts to get his/her attention, creating bonds.
This guy's a genius. Nowadays, dating advice is all about being "confident" and "high value" and pulling away and not being too accomodating to avoid appearing "needy" and "desperate", and they're all missing the whole point and picture of being in a relationship, which is what Dr. Gottman is doing a great job of explaining.
These things are related to what he's talking though, women nowadays feel contempt for men who are not higher value then themselves, and even when they are higher value research from all dating apps show that women have a distorted sense of reality and rate 80% of men as "below average", which is a mathematical impossibility.
@@kirito3082 Well you have to think about whether the fact that this test is being done on dating apps affects the results, and I can think of two causes. One being that the sample of men using dating apps don't correlate with the men in real life. The other being that dating apps themselves distort how people appear, since all you see are pictures and profile descriptions in the context a dating app. If dating apps can somehow recreate the experience of meeting someone at, say, a nice bar or lounge, or vacation resort, or wherever, then things would probably be different. There is also this whole "guilty by association" effect, so if a dating app has a lot of fake accounts or accounts where the people using them are being their worst selves (low brow content), then the perception of everyone on that app as a whole goes down. Another argument might be that women are just more fashionable as a whole, as they tend to be the ones who do their hair, nails, take care of their skin, wear makeup, flattering clothing, etc. What's "average" for a woman might be different from the average of the male population. In fact, women might not even be thinking in terms of the average of the male population when then think of "average." They may be think of women and men combined, or they may be thinking of a subset of men who they deem "datable" that might be influenced by Hollywood romance films. So I think what men need to do is to up their fashion and presentation, and not just think "well most of my friends don't have 6-packs and groom their hair or wear fitted clothing, I shouldn't have to either." Because if everyone don't put any effort, what's "average" would actually be really meh for someone who has seen what real effort looks like. And we should all not take dating apps too seriously, because it's too easy for anyone to just make an account, including fakes, and not be real or put any effort or just to troll or redirect people to another site, flooding the pool with low quality user accounts.
@@cryora Are you a woman? You are doing exactly what women did on the experiment. "Average" is an objective mathematical concept women cannot have "their own sense of average" that's exactly the disconnection from reality the study is demonstrating.
@@cryora as for your comment on men on dating apps not being the same as men in real life, you can create a fake female account and just see what kinds of men will text you, I made a fake of an ugly girl once and even her was matching with way above average guys. The truth is that dating apps as biased towards showing people that are MORE attractive than average because it keeps you interested in the app (for both genders), so not only that hypothesis is wrong it's opposite than truth.
@@kirito3082 Go to my channel and you'll be able to see what gender I am. If you don't think there could possibly be a logical and justifiable reason for me to have the point of view I have then you are being narrow minded and overly conformist to a certain school of thought. Mathematics is also a departure from reality. My physics advisor whose advisor is a Nobel Laureate will tell you that. The math is no good if you don't think about the physics, the reality, that it is trying to describe, and unless you think about the possible biases, including your own, then you are not thinking like a scientist. Trust me, the type of research I do is a lot more rigorous than these subjective studies on dating apps, so the validity of those their conclusions are not exempt from scrutiny.
I'm just here trying to learn to be a better husband. My marriage is overall great. We have our problems like everyone. Finances Is usually a big one. But we work through it as a team on everything. I've only been with my wife for 6 years, but if there is any advice i can give to someone, or a couple, who is having trouble in the marriage, is make sure your spouse is your best friend.. have fun with them. And above all else, tell the truth.
I’ve been stone walling like crazy with my wife, and this is eating me up …this is what I needed! She’s not perfect..but she’s worth it.I desire to love my queen with all of my heart! 👑
Most of this is much harder for people who grow up in negative or broken families. They have all the worst habits. If you came from a broken family, take time to work on yourself and become the person that you want to be BEFORE you get into a relationship and get married.
it's harder, I agree. Yet, what does mean, work on yourself alone? After doing all kinds of groups, going into the desert for three months in silence, and what not, the biggest turning point in my life were the worst relations. Either you break into pieces or you grow.
I have listened to a lot of relationship advices held by experts, but this is the most fundamental lecture for building up a healthy marriage and partnership.. It applies any where regardless of you ethnicity or believes, it's like a universal code.. Great lecturer..👏👏👏
Gosh that first example of “bidding” broke my heart. I feel like my husband “turns away” more times than not. I don’t think he realizes he does it. But it would be nice if he put effort into being enthusiastic.
I know how you feel. My husband is simply NOT interested in other people and usually will not acknowledge bids for attention. In fact, he'll get annoyed .
This was one the best scientific based marriage seminar I've seen. My wife and I problems started long before we got married. I talking like 10 years before we got married. So all of the issues comes from there. But when you realize that your problems are not unique to just you and your spouse but that other couples are going through the exact same things, it gives you hope. When he said he's studied 3,000 couples, I knew our situation was mixed somewhere in there. This was awesome to watch and I'm excited to implement these tips to improve my marriage.
Though your comment is a year old I appreciate it. The reason why is because men care about their relationships. That is amazing to me. I hope you and your wife are doing well.
Excellent. The contempt is huge. When I was in graduate school to become a marriage family counselor I heard this study and thought wow. That was it. I felt such contempt from my ex husband. But hearing this it’s nice to see what to do. How to be a better partner. I’m remarried now and we laugh every day. We have our issues of course but we’re both working every day to understand each other and do better. We’ll never be 100% perfect at our relationship but it doesn’t matter. Because we both respect each other and are willing to change. Thank you.
When I was younger I thought a good relationship needed only love . Now I’m convinced that it needs essential work from both sides too . Congratulations on your research!
The effort you put into your significant other's well-being is actually love in its most distilled form. Don't think of it as work, but more along the lines of "Wow, how glad am I there are actually so many different ways to appreciate my partner".
I once observed a couple "fricking & fracking" without raised voices, one saying something then the other while they were helping each other secure back packs and help each other get items from back of a car to go on a hike. As I observed their dismay in their faces all the while being helpful with each other I took note that ....THAT is a strong couple. This went on for awhile and I obviously did not interrupt however I wish I could have given them a note or something to let them know how cool it was! When misunderstandings refrain from putting the whole relationship on the line it can be a lot more fun !
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This lecture was so helpful that I listened to it from start to finish. Especially those of us who have been married for decades need to be reminded of the importance of being nice and kind to each other. It's so easy to take each other for granted and be dismissive, inconsiderate, inattentive, uncaring and unkind more often than we'd like. I want to strive to be a master, not a disaster married couple as my husband and I go into our senior years together. I hope it's true that the best is yet to be.
I think if there is one starting point all humans could make that would DRAMATICALLY change their relationships, it would be to become ok with feeling hurt. To be able to sit with the feeling and process it first before communicating. Most conflict arises from being hurt but wanting to avoid it by attacking the other person.
Its true. I think Divorce is just way easy an accessible. 🤦♀️🤷♀️ Everything in life takes work. People should want to invest in their relationships more than just scrapping it and starting over then finding themselves again where they left off with a new set of problems ugh.. stick to love and patience, stick to grace and working it out We are all human doing our best. Remember that.
Very true! I've known that for a while, especial in my family where people just think your wrong and don't care about you thoughts or feelings. When I feel myself getting too angry I just walk away...
"We are much more forgiving to ourselves than we are towards others." 69% of problems in marriage are never resolved. We call this tensions to be managed... John is a master researcher and has helped our work tremendously over the years.
This is so helpful not just for couples but for all relationships. My husband and I watched it and it helped our relationship almost instantly. It's important to review this before falling into old habits. So grateful to Dr. Gottman for putting this video out to the world. This is a true example of Tikun Olam in this world. Thank you!
Hahah if my husband said “there’s a pretty boat” and i didn’t respond, he’d probably say, baby come see that pretty boat, would you like to go on something like that soon?” 😅 that would get my attention. But this is a beautiful example. We really need to pay attention to our partners like we’d like them to pay attention to us. Many biblical principles on here. Thank you Dr. Gottman
here's several suggestions for making improvements in your marriage Try to communicate more Help each other out more Try to give and take more (I read these and why they work from Pavs partner pundit website )
Been married nearly 30 years now. Lots of ups and downs along the way. Still look to stay on till death do us part but you’ll can never be too sure. I don’t believe there’s a success formula for everyone because people and circumstances are different. But we all can appreciate some good thoughts and advices time to time.
Didn’t have significant pre-marital counseling, but somehow we did a lot of this stuff and it worked. We didn’t have much money, but we used to dream dreams together, especially about travel (knowing full well that 95% of those dreams would never actually happen). She was herself an entire world I got to explore, still a lot of terra incognito to go when she finally went to Jesus. But, hey, lots of sweet memories, no regrets. Or no big regrets.
This is by far the best video on the subject I've ever watched. Dr. Gottman's books are also well worth a read (or two). Talk about logical and attainable goals couples can strive for to improve connection, knowledge about one another, respect, admiration, intimacy and romance. The Holy Grail of videos! Thank you so much for making this video available!
I have used this video in the class i teach for batterers intervention. I use it for teaching respect in relationships and non violent communication. Thanks for all you do
I think a lot of this stuff works well with friendships and family relationships too. It’s all about communicating and communicating well with other people
Yes and we all know this. It's just a matter of doing it. You just don't stop communicating whe you get married. Obviously you were both like this when dating.
My husband's blood pressure increased and it made it more difficult for him to cope. When he dealt with the blood pressure, with prescribed medication, he was able to cope again. So his blood pressure, which increased due to age, influenced his behavior. I wonder how often we take into account how physical health affects the health of a relationship. Some difficulties could be influenced positively by addressing medical needs.
Dr. Gottman thank you so much!! I am now dehydrated from crying so much and looking for something might help to clears my head so I can think if I should give my husband a second chance and I saw this posts and helps me how to deal with it specially in this situation.. I almost call a lawyer for divorce but I bumped to this. Thank you so much! Like really.. u saved this family. More blessings to u and to your family and the rest of the team. Hard worked and great job to u all!
Jayvie Schaus I think marriage is like a large cruise ship. It takes a bit of time to turn it around. Helps with a counsellor to encourage your spouse to be loving too.
When I was in graduate school for my clinical psychology doctorate and reading mountains of psychological literature and I noticed Gottman’s papers were most often cited by other scholars.
Probably the best youtube video I ever watched! 100% worth 47 minutes of your time! Every person in the world should watch this seminar! Shout out to Dr. Kirk Honda for introducing the gottman theory in my life!
I married just once at age 18. He was 22. We are in our 35th year. He is Neurotypical & I and both of our sons are Autistic. We are struggling, but we keep working toward a better place. We are now both in our 50's and we BOTH survived my natural Menopause even though no physician was able to know it was Premature Menopause. I have to wonder how they diagnose things that NATURALLY occur; I'm only pretty certain they can not.
That was fascinating. I’m in the midst of a very amicable break up (so far) and this lecture has helped me connect a lot of dots. After 4 years we’ve failed at some of the fundamentals and it’s wonderful instruction for making your relationship work, but also an incredibly useful tool for establishing the glaring issues/ lack of connectivity. Thank you 🙌🏼
Enhance your love map. *Communicate Fondness & admiration * Show appreciation *Respect & Affection *Turning Towards *Have a sense of humor during conflict
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These things assume both parties in a marriage are in fact on the same value system and on the same wavelength. If after 20 years you figure out your partner is not in tune with you and never will be except occasionally when they realize you are not tolerating the manipulation or the neglect. Smart people can feed off of others who have no idea about covert psychopathy.
My husband says that I'm a bad driver, that I look like a homeless person, that I better never hide money or steal. It really wears me down. Contempt for sure.
Why do people let so called experts get inside their heads. People like him cause more divorces then help them. He and all the rest of yhem should just shut up and help their own marriage
Good watch. 15 years married, been together for nearly 30. Standing at a point that i dont know what the final outcome will be. This video has given me tools and hope.
Absolutely loved this! You have transformed the way I see my partner and myself and to put meaning behind actions. Thank you soooo much for doing your work and sharing it.
Amazing, going to watch again. Not only did he know what he was talking about but he was able to explain it to a level were 5 year old could understand.
When I told my partner we need to work on our conflict resolution skills so conflicts don’t blow out of proportion. He says there shouldn’t be any conflict. As much as I like the sound of what he says, I think fights/arguments are inevitable. Now we are separated and I feel no one wants to work on relationships these days. It’s easier to end things.
I think these ideas are essential in all human interactions, although taking responsibility for giving, connecting, and appreciating someone comes more easily with special people!
As I lay here upset. I now feel at peace. Tonight I was really trying to figure out how to get past a bump. We were having a hard time figuring it out. Now I know.
I hope it worked for you. My wife gave me til her birthday, 3 months from now, to improve and change or the relationship is over. I've gotta figure out how to make the changes needed in my relationship to make it work.
@@Conceptsexplainedsimply Oh wow...how is it going? Looks like you have about 2 more months...have you tried some of the things on this video? Don't forget the very first point he made, that relationships that are happy have a 5:1 positive:negative ratio even when fighting, and a 20:1 when just hanging out. I think the 3 basic components he mentioned of friendship would all count as positives--making a love map (mentally keeping track of what you know about your partner & constantly seeking to know & understand more), speaking out admiration & appreciation, and turning TOWARD your wife when she tries to get your attention in tiny ways. Hope that helps! You can do it!
@@peanutgallery5245 Hey! So as it turned out, she's likely diagnosable with narcissistic personality disorder. We moved back to MO near her family, and then she kicked me out of her mom's house once we were back and I had nowhere to live. I then filed for child custody court and have battled her toxicity for over a year of being separated now. I have done a ton of research and am confident that she's diagnosably NPD in the form of a covert narcissist. Gaslighting, manipulative, and extremely controlling. I'm free now, and I'm extremely grateful to have been able to escape this domestic abuse. I was treated terribly while with her.
The best kind of advice is with research imo, and this man really does the work. I hate advice from so-called fake expert gurus and chads and condescending people
Brilliant - thank you. I have been married to the same lady for 56 years. You have explained a lot of why we have survived and highlighted areas where we can improve. Thank you again. Alan Cox
What an important life work. Thank you for your lifelong dedicayion to this vital topic. This is a recording one can come back to many time to assimilate the richness and vastness. Very clearly communicated and relatable. So glad this was recorded. Many blessings.
Dr G. Dr Berne Shaw your student and research volunteer Bloomington IN Psychology Grad Student many many years ago. Followed your work over the years I had an amazing career including a dissertation which became part of cognitive behavioral treatment. We use your work in our practice and in our marriage. Well done kind sir
It’s really not so complicated, people. Honor and respect your partner. Help them to work toward their dreams and goals. Your job is to know, accept, and cherish them. Earn their trust, every day. If you can’t do these things, have the kindness and good sense to get out of their way. In addition to Gottman’s books, I recommend Five Languages of Love (Gary Chapman) and Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson).
Not always possible to do if you don't have a partner doing the same for you. You know the saying 'it takes 2 to tango'. I held out for 30 years (really the second half was the holding out part), i am a stickler and tried all that i could, but when you see that your spouse is obstinate and refuses to get help (because according to him it is all your fault and if only you could be fixed etc etc), and has damaged your children terribly, there comes the time when you just have to get out and leave. I am not sorry I left; I found a true partner just 2 years after, and he is also re-married now. My new husband is the kind that Dr Gottman describes in his books, so now I experience true love.
@@RDR18851 I relate to much of what you wrote. 28yrs of begging and forgiving and trying everything, I’m empty. It’s too late and the damage done is so heavy.
Jason Wilson it’s not about being right all the time. In fact I can admit I messed up and I was wrong but my partner has to be right all the time and hates being wrong or hates when I’m right. That’s another defect in itself. He doesn’t want to encourage me to be right? No not if it demeans him. But he’s been wrong and I proved it and he just acts like a baby. Respect. I’m not on his level-he’s smarter then me and has more experience etc. yes dear is sweet-you are always right dear is a fabrication. Let’s be honest. Respect honesty What else? Let’s make a list... women just want to see that men are trying as hard as we are and maybe either party actually isn’t then that’s the issue let’s discuss it.
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I first came to know about john gottman through "the armchair expert " within 2 min of hearing him speak i was in!! I searched for a while for more ways to hear him and was unsuccessful until today. So happy. I have begged my husband to listen to the episode on armchair to no avail. I love my husband of 18 years . I love him so much but he is distant emotionally checked out yet I know he isn't going anywhere and loves me as well . I think he is just an emotional cripple. He sincerely doesn't realize there is another way to be. How do you enlighten someone who has no clue there is anything wrong?
I appreciate your honesty. With all respect, if you are begging for emotional support for a partner, that is a minimum each needs to give each other- a definite red flag. First step is to request couples counseling and then you’ll know where you stand. Good 😊 luck.
I have been following Gottman for years and I am so happy he has expanded in this talk on his relationship research. In the past I have been appreciative about the four horsemen, but I am so excited he is sharing more info on what couples can do to become masters. I have also always found the "bidding" info very helpful. I was a lab assistant for Levinson at Berkeley years ago with his emotion research so I can honestly say their research is invaluable.
This made me feel so sad 😞 I don't know what I'm lacking, I've expressed explicitly my needs, emotionally and needing to feel secure and I feel worse than ever, after 2 years of therapy. I thought I meant more than this.
I can’t remember ever hearing a better relationship talk and I have heard so many. This one combines good science with very accessible and easy to practice tips. Thank you Dr. Gottman. This talk gives me a lot of hope for relationship success and happiness in the second half of my life.
sdlee1000 Raising an emotionally intelligent child, and Get married stay married. The first opened up my eyes to my (youngest) child’s world and gave me tools to help him grow out of his stuckness in some areas, and the second I got just before my (second) wedding and it was a reinforcement of what we both already knew about ourselves and our new relationship but nevertheless was a fantastic read and highly recommended for couples, no matter where they are in their marriage. Dr Gottman has a calming way about him and how he explains concepts and delves very deep into them, all the way to the core. He has a gift that should be cherished by all!
Powerful insights ! Thank you for empowering couples to work between personal differences to make relationships work n last as God intented! God bless you !
Great presentation! - I watched this initially as preparation for a psychology workshop (becoming a therapist) and ended up enjoying every second of it!
I’ve always been compromising but the people I’m attached with don’t know how to compromise. It’s really sad but I hope I find a guy who’s willing to compromise.
The single most important thing to consider about what is presented here is the mental/emotional health of the people involved. Only healthy individuals are cabable of a healthy relationship. Those with mental/emotional health issues are only going to infect their relationships and ultimately bring them to failure . BOTTOM LINE Get some basic understanding of mental/emotional health. Get yourself healthy FIRST, then you can recognize the health status of the person you are interested in. Otherwise failure is guaranteed.
Agree 100% I say the advice they give is completely redundant to two emotionally healthy adults (after all their advice is from studies of such adults).
This is excellent information, truly helpful. I'm gonna give hubby more compliments and listen more and ask him about his dreams. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I give my husband compliments all the time. What do you do if they do not accept the compliments? What if they just believe the negative in their head?
Indeed! I wonder to what extent it starts with our early examples: were we treated with such loving care by our parents/caregivers? Did we witness our parents/caregivers treat each other lovingly and respectfully? (I bet it is along the lines of the conclusion on nature vs nurture by trauma specialist Bessel Vanderkolk: Genetics load the gun, environment pulls the trigger) ✌️
I wrote this for myself but if anyone interested: ("The masters" - stay together) ("The disasters" - break up) - The relationship should be: fun, rich in positive things and words, however keep negativity cause you grow and learn from it. but always mostly positive. - The four horsemen of the apocalypse: 1. Criticism: The disasters say in an argument that the partner personality is bad and they make what happend a symptom of the partners personality ("whats wrong with YOU???" ). The masters on the other hand still complain about what is bothering them but they talk about themselves and what they feel and how they would want to be treated and what they need. 2. Defensiveness: The disasters: one way is meeting a complaint with another complaint. The other way is they act like innocent victom, they whine ("I aCtuAlly reaLLy diD caRe aboUt yOur daY 😪☹️😟😥😢😣😖" ) The masters: accept responsibility, even for small things. ("good point", "you right, I actually was stressed out today") 3. Disrespect and Contempt: The disasters: look down on the partner, and you feel: cleaner, smarter... one way of doing that is calling each other names. ("what a jerk! you only talk about yourself! " ) The masters: respect and proud of the people they love, creating a culture of appreciation. Say thank you for very small things they partners are doing ("thanks for making the food" "I enjoyed our conversation " "I watch you playing with the baby last night and it was very beautiful" ). To help with that you could instead of scanning the area for thing to criticize, scan the area for things to praise and appreciate. Also good in child-parent relationships. 4. Stonewalling: emotional escape from conflict. Usually when talking to someone you give signs of listening: facial expressions, noises, head movments. However Stonewalling is when you stand with your arms cross and dont do vocal things and sometimes not looking at your partner. And this is a sign of disaster. In good relationships: -Friendship: intimacy, work on 3 things: 1. love maps - knowing and being interested in your partner (and feeling that the same goes for you), knowing what they like, their values, the people in their life.... you doing that buy asking open ended questions ("how are you feeling about being a nother right now", "how do you like this house? wanna change it? " ). To improve a relationship try changing some statements for questions. 2. Fondness and admiration: again its the culture of appreciation, saying thank you, and I respect you and so on.(It cannot stay in the brain it needs to come out the mouth) 3. Bids, Turning towards: when your partner makes a bid turn towards them and be interested in what they told you. - Repair the coflict: When a conflict ends up bad and unsolved, take a break and come back to it later when you're clam and re-negotiate the conflict. - 69% of coflicts in marriage do not get solved, you just talk about then and learn to live with them and talk about them some more(In a good relationship, that is) - Grid lock problems: Try to find whats hidden underneath the surface, it usually comes from a personal belief in things and values, wich are very very essential to them and to their sense of self and it cannot be compromised (its their personality bones). When you find the dream that hidden, then honore each other dreams. - Gentleness: The 31% of problems that are solvable, the masters "soften the startup", they gently and with respect and appreciation talked about the problem (talking about themselves and what they need). - Accepting influence: saying: "good point ","let me consider this", "tell me more about your opinion" and generally try to honore your wife. (especially needed for men) - Compromis: compromise. - Take a break from a conflict and calm down when feeling physically blood rush. When you have calmed down continue the discussion. - Shared meaning: feel like you building something, and feel like when you are together you have a purpose.
Natan - Great stuff! Thanks so much... Masters & Disasters Masters take notes, read them over, think about them, speak of them to others and interact when others are open to it. They consider how they need to change to make things better. Disasters blow the whole thing off. They are always right and don't need anyone's help or advice. They leave thumbs down dislikes for information that leads to greater truth, love and intimacy. I for one am coming to recognize the differences, and make quality choices concerning who I will let into my life and who I will carefully keep out.
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Great, great job. It's so refreshing hearing this in just a different way. I've enjoyed both of you in the past but there's more in times like this when its just one or the other. It's so, so appreciated. God bless you guys. Thank you 👍👍👍
Thanks for sharing this videos I thought a good relationship only need love but am convinced that it needs more than just love but it needs both parties working together
Amen’thank you Dr.Gottman for this Inspiring Nourishing Talk on Marriage Relationship.Thank you Lord,continue to Bless all Couples around the world.Amen 🙏
Although he starts by saying he is not a 'relationship guru,' I beg to differ. The teachings that he has shared truly allows him to be a guru in the area of relationships. After all, one definition for a person to be called a guru is "an influential teacher or popular expert." Therefore, Dr. Gottman is a relationship guru. :) Thank you for your work, sir!
I believe Dr.Gottman's teachings are invaluable and innovative as he has done the work to support his findings. I also think his facts on his research should be in combination to say, Dr. Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. The combination of these two are things every relationship should learn and practice to better their relationship.
Wow! What an amazing video and inside. This blew my mind. I met my partner 9 months ago and we were accountability partners and became best friends. He lives in London and I live in Florida. He decided to come and meet me and although he did not have it in his brain to have a relationship with me but because of our strong base on all these things you described we were able to understand why and how what we had was much more than accountability. We were attracted to each other on a romantic sense and we have been planning our life together the past month. Part of our planning is our own constitution about how we will deal with conflict and life problems before they arise. We see it as logical and it works for us. When I share this with people they tend to wonder why we do this. After this video I realized we are continuing to build structure for a successful marriage which is happening next year. I appreciate your work, research and sharing with us such valuable information!!!
I hope he's not insinuating that one can have a good relationship if you're married to a narcissist. The one i know stonewalls, does not gives word of kindness or appreciation, is not interested in building love maps or even finding out what's important to the spouse, deals with conflict with defensiveness and criticism, and under no circumstances will receive input or influence from the wife. Don't be fooled into thinking you can work things out with a narcissist and be happy.
@Karen Garland You should check out Dr. Ramani's advice/videos on relationships with narcissists. You can have a relation, but you have to ultimately lower your expectations and you HAVE to get emotionally fulfilled elsewhere. Build stronger relationships with friends and family. These people will never change but some can undergo therapy and basically learn tools to practice empathy but never truly feel empathy. Its a hard road to walk and not always worth it. Do what is best for you and your family!
Dr Gottman does not inituate anything. He studied couples for over twenty years, and is talking about what the resolt of the studies were. He is giving us examples so we more easily can understand what his research showed.
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from a narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as he helped clone my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
The best I have ever come across when it comes to relationship building. Thank you Dr. Gottman. It gave me a lot of insights in my relationship and how I can improve it.
After 40 years of marriage, we always look at the "marriage" as a third party which we must respect and nurture. I have found that if I treat my wife everyday as if we were on our fist date, things work out beautifully.
Dave, that is a wonderful thing you are doing 👏😀
And if you don't? Lol people have become dogs these days
Wow your wife is very lucky indeed.
Tremendous- the ultimate question I believe.. must be "how does she accommodate you" does she reciprocate said behavior or have you benefitted primarily due to her sense of euphoric stupor based on your behavior oppose to your wife's volition?
@@Spree1775 Her accommodation is mutual. In addition, we both realize our relationship affects many other individuals than just ourselves. It is the rock upon which an extended family was built.
Here is Easy Notes
Avoid Criticism
Example (No): "You talked about yourself all through dinner. You never care about what I have to say. You're so self-centered."
Example (Yes): "I felt a bit overlooked at dinner because I didn't get a chance to share about my day. Can we talk about it now?"
Avoid Defensiveness
Example (No): "Well, if you hadn't been late coming home, I might have asked about your day!"
Example (Yes): "You're right, I should have asked about your day. How was it?"
No Disrespect or Contempt
Example (No): "You think your job is so important; you act like you're better than everyone else."
Example (Yes): "I know your job is demanding, but I also have experiences to share. Let’s balance our conversation more."
No Stonewalling
Example (No): Silence with no response while the partner continues to express concerns.
Example (Yes): "I'm feeling overwhelmed by this conversation right now. Can we pause and revisit this in a little while?"
Cultivate a Culture of Appreciation
Example (No): "You finally did something right with the dinner tonight."
Example (Yes): "Thank you for making dinner tonight. It tasted wonderful, and I really appreciate the effort you put into it."
Develop an Understanding Map
Example (No): "I don't know why you're so stressed all the time. Just relax."
Example (Yes): "I remember you mentioned your project deadline is coming up. How is that going? Do you want to discuss how you’re feeling about it?"
Foster Fondness and Admiration
Example (No): "It's just dinner, anyone can cook it. What’s the big deal?"
Example (Yes): "I really admire how you manage to cook such great meals even after a long day. You’re amazing, and I’m grateful for what you do."
If you reading this Wish you Many Many blessing
Amazing summary! Thank you so much!
@@angelm.1227 Thank you, wish you many many blessings !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you!
@@fireball7808 you are very welcome and whish you many many blessings in your life!!!
Good notes. Summarizing the key points.
6:20 5:1 Ratio of Positive to Negative 😊😊😊😊😊
7:30 Negativity to bring some reality and renewal
8:50 4 BIG NEGATIVES TO AVOID.
10:58 Defensive Whining.
12:02 Disrespect and Contempt.
13:58 + Create a different habit of mind.
14:18 Stonewalling
16:30 +Friendship
+ Love Maps
+ Mutual Interest in your partner
21:30 Bids for Love ❤️
27:00 “I’m Sorry.”
32:10
33:27 Moving from Gridlock to Dialouge
39:09 Women
40:30 Calm Down
44:00 Relationships, Shared Meaning to build Love Affection and Respect ❤
Thanks for posting this.
How useful, thank you!
P
This needs to be pinned!
Thank you so much!!
1. Culture of appreciation, fondness, and admiration.
2. Love maps, and asking open-ended questions.
3. Responding to bids and other attempts to get his/her attention, creating bonds.
Thank you for your notes
This guy's a genius. Nowadays, dating advice is all about being "confident" and "high value" and pulling away and not being too accomodating to avoid appearing "needy" and "desperate", and they're all missing the whole point and picture of being in a relationship, which is what Dr. Gottman is doing a great job of explaining.
These things are related to what he's talking though, women nowadays feel contempt for men who are not higher value then themselves, and even when they are higher value research from all dating apps show that women have a distorted sense of reality and rate 80% of men as "below average", which is a mathematical impossibility.
@@kirito3082 Well you have to think about whether the fact that this test is being done on dating apps affects the results, and I can think of two causes.
One being that the sample of men using dating apps don't correlate with the men in real life.
The other being that dating apps themselves distort how people appear, since all you see are pictures and profile descriptions in the context a dating app. If dating apps can somehow recreate the experience of meeting someone at, say, a nice bar or lounge, or vacation resort, or wherever, then things would probably be different. There is also this whole "guilty by association" effect, so if a dating app has a lot of fake accounts or accounts where the people using them are being their worst selves (low brow content), then the perception of everyone on that app as a whole goes down.
Another argument might be that women are just more fashionable as a whole, as they tend to be the ones who do their hair, nails, take care of their skin, wear makeup, flattering clothing, etc. What's "average" for a woman might be different from the average of the male population. In fact, women might not even be thinking in terms of the average of the male population when then think of "average." They may be think of women and men combined, or they may be thinking of a subset of men who they deem "datable" that might be influenced by Hollywood romance films.
So I think what men need to do is to up their fashion and presentation, and not just think "well most of my friends don't have 6-packs and groom their hair or wear fitted clothing, I shouldn't have to either." Because if everyone don't put any effort, what's "average" would actually be really meh for someone who has seen what real effort looks like. And we should all not take dating apps too seriously, because it's too easy for anyone to just make an account, including fakes, and not be real or put any effort or just to troll or redirect people to another site, flooding the pool with low quality user accounts.
@@cryora Are you a woman? You are doing exactly what women did on the experiment. "Average" is an objective mathematical concept women cannot have "their own sense of average" that's exactly the disconnection from reality the study is demonstrating.
@@cryora as for your comment on men on dating apps not being the same as men in real life, you can create a fake female account and just see what kinds of men will text you, I made a fake of an ugly girl once and even her was matching with way above average guys.
The truth is that dating apps as biased towards showing people that are MORE attractive than average because it keeps you interested in the app (for both genders), so not only that hypothesis is wrong it's opposite than truth.
@@kirito3082 Go to my channel and you'll be able to see what gender I am. If you don't think there could possibly be a logical and justifiable reason for me to have the point of view I have then you are being narrow minded and overly conformist to a certain school of thought. Mathematics is also a departure from reality. My physics advisor whose advisor is a Nobel Laureate will tell you that. The math is no good if you don't think about the physics, the reality, that it is trying to describe, and unless you think about the possible biases, including your own, then you are not thinking like a scientist. Trust me, the type of research I do is a lot more rigorous than these subjective studies on dating apps, so the validity of those their conclusions are not exempt from scrutiny.
I'm just here trying to learn to be a better husband.
My marriage is overall great. We have our problems like everyone. Finances Is usually a big one. But we work through it as a team on everything.
I've only been with my wife for 6 years, but if there is any advice i can give to someone, or a couple, who is having trouble in the marriage, is make sure your spouse is your best friend.. have fun with them. And above all else, tell the truth.
If it were only that simple for both..
Thanks for the Tip
Sounds like very good healthy advise 😉
L
I need to repair my marriage and it starts with me
I’ve been stone walling like crazy with my wife, and this is eating me up …this is what I needed! She’s not perfect..but she’s worth it.I desire to love my queen with all of my heart! 👑
Pp
😊
😊
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
"They create meaning in the way they move through time together"
Beautiful summation
Most of this is much harder for people who grow up in negative or broken families. They have all the worst habits. If you came from a broken family, take time to work on yourself and become the person that you want to be BEFORE you get into a relationship and get married.
And even then it's tricky as you'll still attract ppl who will reflect your family shit.
I agree. The way couples live have it's toll on everyone in the home. See this too
gurudeseyesubai.org/fiasco-marriages/
it's harder, I agree. Yet, what does mean, work on yourself alone? After doing all kinds of groups, going into the desert for three months in silence, and what not, the biggest turning point in my life were the worst relations. Either you break into pieces or you grow.
matthias hartmann , just appreciate those around you. Have a compliment for everyone that you meet.:)
@@Cate7451 really for everyone?
I have listened to a lot of relationship advices held by experts, but this is the most fundamental lecture for building up a healthy marriage and partnership..
It applies any where regardless of you ethnicity or believes, it's like a universal code..
Great lecturer..👏👏👏
Totally agree!
The feeling is mutual 🙂 He is soo amazing I shared this message to all my people close to my heart ❤️
Gosh that first example of “bidding” broke my heart. I feel like my husband “turns away” more times than not. I don’t think he realizes he does it. But it would be nice if he put effort into being enthusiastic.
I know your husband's twin!
Every man does that....
I know how you feel. My husband is simply NOT interested in other people and usually will not acknowledge bids for attention. In fact, he'll get annoyed .
@@blueberriesrfine5538 was he like that early on in the relationship?
Marriage has caused me to grow up so much.
I thank God for my wife everyday.
Yeah right sure
Looks like you're in negative sentiment override :(
@@THEREDBARON777 what do you mean?
How so? We want to know! Lmao
God had nothing to do with it, I'm sorry to break it to you.
Married 50 years this August 21 -2021 what Mr Gottman is saying is pure GOLD for a marriage. We have been thru everything.♥️🥰
Nice
Congratulations to you and blessings
@@georgegray2712 eh you never know
Would LOVE to talk to you Sis!
Hats off to those who have done 50 yrs..I hve done 26 and say marriage is tough
This was one the best scientific based marriage seminar I've seen. My wife and I problems started long before we got married. I talking like 10 years before we got married. So all of the issues comes from there. But when you realize that your problems are not unique to just you and your spouse but that other couples are going through the exact same things, it gives you hope. When he said he's studied 3,000 couples, I knew our situation was mixed somewhere in there. This was awesome to watch and I'm excited to implement these tips to improve my marriage.
Though your comment is a year old I appreciate it. The reason why is because men care about their relationships. That is amazing to me. I hope you and your wife are doing well.
Did it work?
Well here's where your wrong. There is absolutely no science to marrige. NONE
Excellent. The contempt is huge. When I was in graduate school to become a marriage family counselor I heard this study and thought wow. That was it. I felt such contempt from my ex husband. But hearing this it’s nice to see what to do. How to be a better partner. I’m remarried now and we laugh every day. We have our issues of course but we’re both working every day to understand each other and do better. We’ll never be 100% perfect at our relationship but it doesn’t matter. Because we both respect each other and are willing to change. Thank you.
@Greg kane sorry. Don’t believe in that shit
Well actually I know all to well it works and ain’t going there. But thx anyway.
When I was younger I thought a good relationship needed only love .
Now I’m convinced that it needs essential work from both sides too .
Congratulations on your research!
The effort you put into your significant other's well-being is actually love in its most distilled form. Don't think of it as work, but more along the lines of "Wow, how glad am I there are actually so many different ways to appreciate my partner".
I always put effort in my wife and she had an affair it depends on the spouses personality it’s sad
It does not seem like work when coming from an attitude of partnership and noticing when not in that space.
Love IS work. Feeling "in love" is infatuation.
I once observed a couple "fricking & fracking" without raised voices, one saying something then the other while they were helping each other secure back packs and help each other get items from back of a car to go on a hike. As I observed their dismay in their faces all the while being helpful with each other I took note that ....THAT is a strong couple. This went on for awhile and I obviously did not interrupt however I wish I could have given them a note or something to let them know how cool it was! When misunderstandings refrain from putting the whole relationship on the line it can be a lot more fun !
This lecture was so helpful that I listened to it from start to finish. Especially those of us who have been married for decades need to be reminded of the importance of being nice and kind to each other. It's so easy to take each other for granted and be dismissive, inconsiderate, inattentive, uncaring and unkind more often than we'd like. I want to strive to be a master, not a disaster married couple as my husband and I go into our senior years together. I hope it's true that the best is yet to be.
I think if there is one starting point all humans could make that would DRAMATICALLY change their relationships, it would be to become ok with feeling hurt. To be able to sit with the feeling and process it first before communicating. Most conflict arises from being hurt but wanting to avoid it by attacking the other person.
Its true. I think Divorce is just way easy an accessible. 🤦♀️🤷♀️ Everything in life takes work. People should want to invest in their relationships more than just scrapping it and starting over then finding themselves again where they left off with a new set of problems ugh.. stick to love and patience, stick to grace and working it out We are all human doing our best. Remember that.
👌🏽
A+
Yes, very much the truth.
Very true! I've known that for a while, especial in my family where people just think your wrong and don't care about you thoughts or feelings. When I feel myself getting too angry I just walk away...
"We are much more forgiving to ourselves than we are towards others." 69% of problems in marriage are never resolved. We call this tensions to be managed... John is a master researcher and has helped our work tremendously over the years.
This is so helpful not just for couples but for all relationships. My husband and I watched it and it helped our relationship almost instantly. It's important to review this before falling into old habits. So grateful to Dr. Gottman for putting this video out to the world. This is a true example of Tikun Olam in this world. Thank you!
I was thinking the same. All important relationships such as immediate family.
This should be required viewing for anyone over the age of 8
Hahah if my husband said “there’s a pretty boat” and i didn’t respond, he’d probably say, baby come see that pretty boat, would you like to go on something like that soon?” 😅 that would get my attention. But this is a beautiful example. We really need to pay attention to our partners like we’d like them to pay attention to us.
Many biblical principles on here. Thank you Dr. Gottman
💕🙌🏼
I literally need to watch this at least once a month!!
here's several suggestions for making improvements in your marriage
Try to communicate more
Help each other out more
Try to give and take more
(I read these and why they work from Pavs partner pundit website )
Work relationship in Life
I thought the same thing! It is good information, however my habits are so engrained that I need to be reminded so I can reformulate my thinking.
@@franwilliams4306 at the point I am in, I need to listen once every week.
Thats right every one that we need see that
Marriage is like… learning to love the unlovable parts of a person.
Seeing the hard times and enduring them together.
Been married nearly 30 years now. Lots of ups and downs along the way. Still look to stay on till death do us part but you’ll can never be too sure. I don’t believe there’s a success formula for everyone because people and circumstances are different. But we all can appreciate some good thoughts and advices time to time.
Didn’t have significant pre-marital counseling, but somehow we did a lot of this stuff and it worked. We didn’t have much money, but we used to dream dreams together, especially about travel (knowing full well that 95% of those dreams would never actually happen). She was herself an entire world I got to explore, still a lot of terra incognito to go when she finally went to Jesus. But, hey, lots of sweet memories, no regrets. Or no big regrets.
That's beautiful tribute. Similar situation. 40 years together & 4 years gone I still miss him everyday. Wish we'd had more time together. No regrets.
This is by far the best video on the subject I've ever watched. Dr. Gottman's books are also well worth a read (or two). Talk about logical and attainable goals couples can strive for to improve connection, knowledge about one another, respect, admiration, intimacy and romance. The Holy Grail of videos! Thank you so much for making this video available!
I have used this video in the class i teach for batterers intervention. I use it for teaching respect in relationships and non violent communication. Thanks for all you do
I think a lot of this stuff works well with friendships and family relationships too. It’s all about communicating and communicating well with other people
Indeed...
And work colleagues!
Yes and we all know this. It's just a matter of doing it. You just don't stop communicating whe you get married. Obviously you were both like this when dating.
I agree! 100%
My husband's blood pressure increased and it made it more difficult for him to cope. When he dealt with the blood pressure, with prescribed medication, he was able to cope again. So his blood pressure, which increased due to age, influenced his behavior. I wonder how often we take into account how physical health affects the health of a relationship. Some difficulties could be influenced positively by addressing medical needs.
I just heard about this yesterday,
We need to have compassion for each others pain and health issues. I think it's a truly
Blood pressure doesn’t increase due to age .
Check natural medicine to help heal your body and force toyrself to eat healthier.
Go wholefoodplantbased instead of medicine and high blood pressure, obesity, strokes, diabetis will vanish.
@@gratitude5740 it does. it becomes a new normal. I can splane it to you if you really wanna know.
Dr. Gottman thank you so much!!
I am now dehydrated from crying so much and looking for something might help to clears my head so I can think if I should give my husband a second chance and I saw this posts and helps me how to deal with it specially in this situation.. I almost call a lawyer for divorce but I bumped to this.
Thank you so much! Like really.. u saved this family. More blessings to u and to your family and the rest of the team.
Hard worked and great job to u all!
Jayvie Schaus hows is going? Keep up with your positivity especially if you gets. Good response when you do xxx
Jayvie Schaus I think marriage is like a large cruise ship. It takes a bit of time to turn it around. Helps with a counsellor to encourage your spouse to be loving too.
weirdo
Update?
Update?
When I was in graduate school for my clinical psychology doctorate and reading mountains of psychological literature and I noticed Gottman’s papers were most often cited by other scholars.
Probably the best youtube video I ever watched! 100% worth 47 minutes of your time! Every person in the world should watch this seminar! Shout out to Dr. Kirk Honda for introducing the gottman theory in my life!
I married just once at age 18. He was 22. We are in our 35th year. He is Neurotypical & I and both of our sons are Autistic. We are struggling, but we keep working toward a better place. We are now both in our 50's and we BOTH survived my natural Menopause even though no physician was able to know it was Premature Menopause. I have to wonder how they diagnose things that NATURALLY occur; I'm only pretty certain they can not.
That was fascinating. I’m in the midst of a very amicable break up (so far) and this lecture has helped me connect a lot of dots. After 4 years we’ve failed at some of the fundamentals and it’s wonderful instruction for making your relationship work, but also an incredibly useful tool for establishing the glaring issues/ lack of connectivity. Thank you 🙌🏼
I need a translated version of this video in my mother language for my parents to watch this and actually understand. They really need it.
Honestly! Same here!
Reciprocation is crucial. Ignoring questions when asked is probably the worst kind of neglect.
Enhance your love map.
*Communicate Fondness & admiration
* Show appreciation
*Respect & Affection
*Turning Towards
*Have a sense of humor during conflict
Appreciate Video! Forgive me for butting in, I am interested in your thoughts. Have you ever tried - Taparton Protect Marriage Takeover (Have a quick look on google cant remember the place now)? It is a smashing exclusive product for saving your marriage minus the normal expense. Ive heard some amazing things about it and my buddy at last got cool results with it.
These things assume both parties in a marriage are in fact on the same value system and on the same wavelength. If after 20 years you figure out your partner is not in tune with you and never will be except occasionally when they realize you are not tolerating the manipulation or the neglect. Smart people can feed off of others who have no idea about covert psychopathy.
My husband says that I'm a bad driver, that I look like a homeless person, that I better never hide money or steal. It really wears me down. Contempt for sure.
Why do people let so called experts get inside their heads. People like him cause more divorces then help them. He and all the rest of yhem should just shut up and help their own marriage
Good watch. 15 years married, been together for nearly 30. Standing at a point that i dont know what the final outcome will be. This video has given me tools and hope.
How is everything going?
What’s the tea
All couples should be required to listen. It will be a great starter for any relationship
I also love that these ideas for connecting and showing love and compassion apply to your children as well. Brilliant as always-
Janna, you are intelligent ☺️
Absolutely loved this! You have transformed the way I see my partner and myself and to put meaning behind actions. Thank you soooo much for doing your work and sharing it.
What is your marital status
Amazing, going to watch again.
Not only did he know what he was talking about but he was able to explain it to a level were 5 year old could understand.
I thought, If I listen to this 14y back, My relationship would be much more joyful.
Thank you. Very informative lecture
The Gottmans are top notch in their field. Congrats on their recent award for 2021 - well deserved!
When I told my partner we need to work on our conflict resolution skills so conflicts don’t blow out of proportion. He says there shouldn’t be any conflict. As much as I like the sound of what he says, I think fights/arguments are inevitable. Now we are separated and I feel no one wants to work on relationships these days. It’s easier to end things.
I think these ideas are essential in all human interactions, although taking responsibility for giving, connecting, and appreciating someone comes more easily with special people!
i feel same way. can we chat on hangout? add me up anthonywelch8642@gmail.com
You have a different way of thinking and that gives an indication of affection thank you beautiful lady with a beautiful heart
As I lay here upset. I now feel at peace. Tonight I was really trying to figure out how to get past a bump. We were having a hard time figuring it out. Now I know.
I hope it worked for you.
My wife gave me til her birthday, 3 months from now, to improve and change or the relationship is over. I've gotta figure out how to make the changes needed in my relationship to make it work.
@@Conceptsexplainedsimply Oh wow...how is it going? Looks like you have about 2 more months...have you tried some of the things on this video? Don't forget the very first point he made, that relationships that are happy have a 5:1 positive:negative ratio even when fighting, and a 20:1 when just hanging out. I think the 3 basic components he mentioned of friendship would all count as positives--making a love map (mentally keeping track of what you know about your partner & constantly seeking to know & understand more), speaking out admiration & appreciation, and turning TOWARD your wife when she tries to get your attention in tiny ways. Hope that helps! You can do it!
@@Conceptsexplainedsimply now I'm interested if it worked oit?
@@peanutgallery5245 Hey! So as it turned out, she's likely diagnosable with narcissistic personality disorder. We moved back to MO near her family, and then she kicked me out of her mom's house once we were back and I had nowhere to live. I then filed for child custody court and have battled her toxicity for over a year of being separated now.
I have done a ton of research and am confident that she's diagnosably NPD in the form of a covert narcissist. Gaslighting, manipulative, and extremely controlling.
I'm free now, and I'm extremely grateful to have been able to escape this domestic abuse. I was treated terribly while with her.
This is by far the best relationship advice I have ever heard.
hi monique
yonas yitbarek hahaha, nice try. Is comments the new Tinder site?
The best kind of advice is with research imo, and this man really does the work. I hate advice from so-called fake expert gurus and chads and condescending people
Our experience 5 Myths about Marriages ua-cam.com/video/_jj-sdCSn78/v-deo.html
Hi Monique you said it all
I am going to listen this over and over while taking a note😳. All on point and has a healing power.
“The need to continually renew courtship “. So beautifully put
This was a confirmation that my relationship is on the right track and provided tools to enrich it. Thank you
Hey Aspelyn, this is random but are you still in relationship?
@@2gunz243 yes I am
Brilliant - thank you. I have been married to the same lady for 56 years. You have explained a lot of why we have survived and highlighted areas where we can improve. Thank you again. Alan Cox
What an important life work. Thank you for your lifelong dedicayion to this vital topic. This is a recording one can come back to many time to assimilate the richness and vastness. Very clearly communicated and relatable. So glad this was recorded. Many blessings.
Dr G. Dr Berne Shaw your student and research volunteer Bloomington IN Psychology Grad Student many many years ago. Followed your work over the years I had an amazing career including a dissertation which became part of cognitive behavioral treatment. We use your work in our practice and in our marriage. Well done kind sir
It’s really not so complicated, people. Honor and respect your partner. Help them to work toward their dreams and goals. Your job is to know, accept, and cherish them. Earn their trust, every day.
If you can’t do these things, have the kindness and good sense to get out of their way.
In addition to Gottman’s books, I recommend Five Languages of Love (Gary Chapman) and Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson).
Not always possible to do if you don't have a partner doing the same for you. You know the saying 'it takes 2 to tango'. I held out for 30 years (really the second half was the holding out part), i am a stickler and tried all that i could, but when you see that your spouse is obstinate and refuses to get help (because according to him it is all your fault and if only you could be fixed etc etc), and has damaged your children terribly, there comes the time when you just have to get out and leave. I am not sorry I left; I found a true partner just 2 years after, and he is also re-married now. My new husband is the kind that Dr Gottman describes in his books, so now I experience true love.
I LOVE Chapman's book. He's amazing!
Randi Gerber,you are so beautiful ❤️❤️❤️ and I will be happy to know you
@@RDR18851 thats wonderful you found love 💕
@@RDR18851 I relate to much of what you wrote. 28yrs of begging and forgiving and trying everything, I’m empty. It’s too late and the damage done is so heavy.
Mr Gottman sells himself short, the is the relationship GURU!
That was amazing. If I can apply a fraction of these concepts, my marriage would improve dramatically. Thank you.
Lol, I love your profile name :-P
Simple: Just say Yes dear..Yes dear. .your always right dear..
Jason Wilson it’s not about being right all the time. In fact I can admit I messed up and I was wrong but my partner has to be right all the time and hates being wrong or hates when I’m right. That’s another defect in itself. He doesn’t want to encourage me to be right? No not if it demeans him. But he’s been wrong and I proved it and he just acts like a baby. Respect. I’m not on his level-he’s smarter then me and has more experience etc. yes dear is sweet-you are always right dear is a fabrication. Let’s be honest.
Respect honesty
What else? Let’s make a list...
women just want to see that men are trying as hard as we are and maybe either party actually isn’t then that’s the issue let’s discuss it.
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from a narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as he helped clone my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
@@orgami100 I don't think so. That's a form of withdrawal.
I first came to know about john gottman through "the armchair expert " within 2 min of hearing him speak i was in!! I searched for a while for more ways to hear him and was unsuccessful until today. So happy. I have begged my husband to listen to the episode on armchair to no avail. I love my husband of 18 years . I love him so much but he is distant emotionally checked out yet I know he isn't going anywhere and loves me as well . I think he is just an emotional cripple. He sincerely doesn't realize there is another way to be. How do you enlighten someone who has no clue there is anything wrong?
I appreciate your honesty. With all respect, if you are begging for emotional support for a partner, that is a minimum each needs to give each other- a definite red flag. First step is to request couples counseling and then you’ll know where you stand. Good 😊 luck.
How are things going?
By the way you referred to him as an emotional cripple I think you should watch the video again!
So I'm currently having a fight with my partner and googled how to save a marriage and got this video. 😂😂 awesome advice. 🤞🏼 fingers crossed
hope it worked out!
HOw did it go?
also here wondering how it went for you lol
Same.. How did it work out?
@@adamw3573 I used his advice over past month and it was amazing.
Everyone should be made to watch all of this & do a program on all this before allowing marriage! ❤
amen
This should be taught in schools.
No, it should be modeled at home and in the community. School and teachers are for education, not raising kids.
I did my undergrad in Psychology and took a class on relationships. Spent a lot of time reading Gottman. He is a smart man!
it is in counseling ;)
numbereightyseven only those who have learned it can model it.
Yesss bill a, agree
I have been following Gottman for years and I am so happy he has expanded in this talk on his relationship research. In the past I have been appreciative about the four horsemen, but I am so excited he is sharing more info on what couples can do to become masters. I have also always found the "bidding" info very helpful. I was a lab assistant for Levinson at Berkeley years ago with his emotion research so I can honestly say their research is invaluable.
What more information do you have?
sophie JB,mvvbng
This is gold. 100% worth taking notes on. Watch it, watch it again, study and practice!
I'm happy I found this information. I can think of so many ways to apply so much if this to how I mother my children.
Wow, this was awesome! I'll be hanging onto this information and revisiting it to help me self-reflect (and adjust) for years! 😁
69% of marital relationships are never solved 😳 facts everyone needs to hear
69 niceeeee
Finds humor in conflict, I bet you’re a master...
I concure
@@jrjr54321 master of bait
Not relationships, but problems solved, versus problems 'managed'. Big difference.
This made me feel so sad 😞 I don't know what I'm lacking, I've expressed explicitly my needs, emotionally and needing to feel secure and I feel worse than ever, after 2 years of therapy. I thought I meant more than this.
This man is a genius! I also appreciate his teaching skills.
Angela Carlson,you are so beautiful ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🌹🌹🌹and too kind and I will be happy to know you
I can’t remember ever hearing a better relationship talk and I have heard so many. This one combines good science with very accessible and easy to practice tips. Thank you Dr. Gottman. This talk gives me a lot of hope for relationship success and happiness in the second half of my life.
my husband is a master!!! Love Dr Guttman - smart, articulate and crystal clear. Read 2 of his books. Fantasic
Which two books did you read???
sdlee1000 Raising an emotionally intelligent child, and Get married stay married. The first opened up my eyes to my (youngest) child’s world and gave me tools to help him grow out of his stuckness in some areas, and the second I got just before my (second) wedding and it was a reinforcement of what we both already knew about ourselves and our new relationship but nevertheless was a fantastic read and highly recommended for couples, no matter where they are in their marriage. Dr Gottman has a calming way about him and how he explains concepts and delves very deep into them, all the way to the core. He has a gift that should be cherished by all!
Refreshing to see research that looks at what makes it work, much more informative than the opposite.
Powerful insights ! Thank you for empowering couples to work between personal differences to make relationships work n last as God intented! God bless you !
Great presentation! - I watched this initially as preparation for a psychology workshop (becoming a therapist) and ended up enjoying every second of it!
Best relationship advice I've ever come across, life changing really.
Are you a kandakar
I’ve always been compromising but the people I’m attached with don’t know how to compromise. It’s really sad but I hope I find a guy who’s willing to compromise.
This is the BOOM!!!
Worth listening over and over again to capture all the true nuggets that lay in this presentation.
The single most important thing to consider about what is presented here is the mental/emotional health of the people involved.
Only healthy individuals are cabable of a healthy relationship.
Those with mental/emotional health issues are only going to infect their relationships and ultimately bring them to failure .
BOTTOM LINE
Get some basic understanding of mental/emotional health. Get yourself healthy FIRST, then you can recognize the health status of the person you are interested in. Otherwise failure is guaranteed.
Agree 100% I say the advice they give is completely redundant to two emotionally healthy adults (after all their advice is from studies of such adults).
Timestamps:
0:00-3:05 Explaining the experiment
3:05-3:35 Describing the masters vs disasters
5:45 The good stuff
This is excellent information, truly helpful. I'm gonna give hubby more compliments and listen more and ask him about his dreams. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I give my husband compliments all the time. What do you do if they do not accept the compliments? What if they just believe the negative in their head?
Perfect advices. I would add: In relationship both people should work on themselves, work how to be a better person.
Interesting how ppl have to be thought to be told to be nice, build each other up, be positive, acknowledging, polite, grateful and responsive. Wow!
Indeed!
I wonder to what extent it starts with our early examples: were we treated with such loving care by our parents/caregivers? Did we witness our parents/caregivers treat each other lovingly and respectfully?
(I bet it is along the lines of the conclusion on nature vs nurture by trauma specialist Bessel Vanderkolk: Genetics load the gun, environment pulls the trigger)
✌️
One of the best speaches I've ever heard on relationships. I never heard the ideas and examples he has given. Great approach. TY
I wrote this for myself but if anyone interested: ("The masters" - stay together)
("The disasters" - break up)
- The relationship should be: fun, rich in positive things and words, however keep negativity cause you grow and learn from it. but always mostly positive.
- The four horsemen of the apocalypse:
1. Criticism:
The disasters say in an argument that the partner personality is bad and they make what happend a symptom of the partners personality ("whats wrong with YOU???" ).
The masters on the other hand still complain about what is bothering them but they talk about themselves and what they feel and how they would want to be treated and what they need.
2. Defensiveness:
The disasters: one way is meeting a complaint with another complaint. The other way is they act like innocent victom, they whine ("I aCtuAlly reaLLy diD caRe aboUt yOur daY 😪☹️😟😥😢😣😖" )
The masters: accept responsibility, even for small things. ("good point", "you right, I actually was stressed out today")
3. Disrespect and Contempt:
The disasters: look down on the partner, and you feel: cleaner, smarter... one way of doing that is calling each other names. ("what a jerk! you only talk about yourself! " )
The masters: respect and proud of the people they love, creating a culture of appreciation. Say thank you for very small things they partners are doing ("thanks for making the food" "I enjoyed our conversation " "I watch you playing with the baby last night and it was very beautiful" ). To help with that you could instead of scanning the area for thing to criticize, scan the area for things to praise and appreciate. Also good in child-parent relationships.
4. Stonewalling:
emotional escape from conflict.
Usually when talking to someone you give signs of listening: facial expressions, noises, head movments. However Stonewalling is when you stand with your arms cross and dont do vocal things and sometimes not looking at your partner. And this is a sign of disaster.
In good relationships:
-Friendship: intimacy, work on 3 things:
1. love maps - knowing and being interested in your partner (and feeling that the same goes for you), knowing what they like, their values, the people in their life.... you doing that buy asking open ended questions ("how are you feeling about being a nother right now", "how do you like this house? wanna change it? " ). To improve a relationship try changing some statements for questions.
2. Fondness and admiration: again its the culture of appreciation, saying thank you, and I respect you and so on.(It cannot stay in the brain it needs to come out the mouth)
3. Bids, Turning towards: when your partner makes a bid turn towards them and be interested in what they told you.
- Repair the coflict: When a conflict ends up bad and unsolved, take a break and come back to it later when you're clam and re-negotiate the conflict.
- 69% of coflicts in marriage do not get solved, you just talk about then and learn to live with them and talk about them some more(In a good relationship, that is)
- Grid lock problems: Try to find whats hidden underneath the surface, it usually comes from a personal belief in things and values, wich are very very essential to them and to their sense of self and it cannot be compromised (its their personality bones). When you find the dream that hidden, then honore each other dreams.
- Gentleness: The 31% of problems that are solvable, the masters "soften the startup", they gently and with respect and appreciation talked about the problem (talking about themselves and what they need).
- Accepting influence: saying: "good point ","let me consider this", "tell me more about your opinion" and generally try to honore your wife. (especially needed for men)
- Compromis: compromise.
- Take a break from a conflict and calm down when feeling physically blood rush. When you have calmed down continue the discussion.
- Shared meaning: feel like you building something, and feel like when you are together you have a purpose.
Great 👍 notes
Thank you very much!
thank You so much !!!!
Natan - Great stuff! Thanks so much...
Masters & Disasters
Masters take notes, read them over, think about them, speak of them to others and interact when others are open to it. They consider how they need to change to make things better.
Disasters blow the whole thing off. They are always right and don't need anyone's help or advice. They leave thumbs down dislikes for information that leads to greater truth, love and intimacy.
I for one am coming to recognize the differences, and make quality choices concerning who I will let into my life and who I will carefully keep out.
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Great, great job. It's so refreshing hearing this in just a different way. I've enjoyed both of you in the past but there's more in times like this when its just one or the other. It's so, so appreciated. God bless you guys. Thank you 👍👍👍
If John had cameras on my relationship for 24 hours... he'd write a whole new book! What an amazing human!
Thanks for sharing this videos I thought a good relationship only need love but am convinced that it needs more than just love but it needs both parties working together
Amen’thank you Dr.Gottman for this Inspiring Nourishing Talk on Marriage Relationship.Thank you Lord,continue to Bless all Couples around the world.Amen 🙏
Your channel has become a part of my routine.
Although he starts by saying he is not a 'relationship guru,' I beg to differ. The teachings that he has shared truly allows him to be a guru in the area of relationships. After all, one definition for a person to be called a guru is "an influential teacher or popular expert." Therefore, Dr. Gottman is a relationship guru. :) Thank you for your work, sir!
He simply stated that he was not, do to the fact he don’t want that title and he is a man of science and doing study and reacher.
I believe Dr.Gottman's teachings are invaluable and innovative as he has done the work to support his findings. I also think his facts on his research should be in combination to say, Dr. Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. The combination of these two are things every relationship should learn and practice to better their relationship.
Gurus just make money and influence send out garbage information alos by stealing other people research.
He was being humble
Makes sense I enjoyed listening to Dr John will try to incorporate some of those practices in my marriage
Remember; for every act of insulting or hurting your partner, you need 5 acts of kindness and appreciation to offset that one act.
🙌🏼
And have accountability for a hurt and not brush it off with 'I was only joking' because that falls under defensiveness.
✌️
Wow! What an amazing video and inside. This blew my mind. I met my partner 9 months ago and we were accountability partners and became best friends. He lives in London and I live in Florida. He decided to come and meet me and although he did not have it in his brain to have a relationship with me but because of our strong base on all these things you described we were able to understand why and how what we had was much more than accountability. We were attracted to each other on a romantic sense and we have been planning our life together the past month. Part of our planning is our own constitution about how we will deal with conflict and life problems before they arise. We see it as logical and it works for us. When I share this with people they tend to wonder why we do this. After this video I realized we are continuing to build structure for a successful marriage which is happening next year.
I appreciate your work, research and sharing with us such valuable information!!!
Ana Palaez, you look stunning ❤️❤️❤️🌹🌹🌹
This is very helpful. It helps me understand a lot more about our relationship. I have a lot of work to do on me.
I hope he's not insinuating that one can have a good relationship if you're married to a narcissist. The one i know stonewalls, does not gives word of kindness or appreciation, is not interested in building love maps or even finding out what's important to the spouse, deals with conflict with defensiveness and criticism, and under no circumstances will receive input or influence from the wife. Don't be fooled into thinking you can work things out with a narcissist and be happy.
Yess that's true... though, the people around you don't see the narcissist you see.
It feels like the victim is looked as the narcissist.
@Karen Garland
You should check out Dr. Ramani's advice/videos on relationships with narcissists. You can have a relation, but you have to ultimately lower your expectations and you HAVE to get emotionally fulfilled elsewhere. Build stronger relationships with friends and family. These people will never change but some can undergo therapy and basically learn tools to practice empathy but never truly feel empathy. Its a hard road to walk and not always worth it. Do what is best for you and your family!
Dr Gottman does not inituate anything. He studied couples for over twenty years, and is talking about what the resolt of the studies were. He is giving us examples so we more easily can understand what his research showed.
Learned my lesson the hard way. Never going back to that negative toxic place ever again.
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from a narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as he helped clone my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
Thank you! I wish I had found you 14 years ago.
This changed a lot in me, but also it made a lot of sense to m failures. Wow. Thanks. This was the best guide ever. I needed this.
The best I have ever come across when it comes to relationship building. Thank you Dr. Gottman. It gave me a lot of insights in my relationship and how I can improve it.
I’m a newlywed and this was great information.. thank you!
Thank you for posting this video. I learned so much!