Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail. com
Narcissists never forgive. They hold grudges for life. They may wait a while, but eventually they will seek vengeance. Be very careful if you ever break a narcissist’s rules. However, they will break all of your rules and they won’t think anything of it. They will expect you to forget about immediately.
I am a man married to one of 12 years. I am beaten down to almost nothing. Tired, drained, confused. Thank you for you videos, it helps give me clarity.
1/ The Silent Treatment Treating You Like You Don't Exist 2/ Gas lightning 3/ Treatments Of Being Belittled Bullying Calling Horrible Names. 4/ Trying To Make The Victim Jealous I Went Through Horrific Emotional And Psychological Abuse. I Currently have 2 Months Of No Contact Narcissitic Abuse Is Brutal.
They accept only subservience. They get a chocolate for it.If you tell no and buy your own chocolate they want revenge as you can get a chocolate only by subservience but you bought your own...how could you did this to them.They have not much to do with freedom mentally.
The combination of good and bad things happening at the same time contaminates Joy with a sense of sadness and loss and bad memories. How do you find joy without that connection if you spent years in it?
Proud of you! Remain strong among weak, bitter people who want to manipulate your behavior for their shallow self interest and misguided prioritization of personal comfort over rightness.
I made the mistake of dropping the restraining order & coming to an agreement with him through the courts. He has violated this agreement every single chance he gets. Narcs & ASPD’s will not follow rules because they believe they are above the rules. Unfortunately, the legal system takes too long & he has found ways to skirt & defy any court order. I don’t feel like I will ever be free of this man or get justice. His behavior will likely kill me before this happens.
Although my mother, as an alcaholic, drug addict, had her Own problems, she was often heard to say " beware the man who puts you on a pedestal , then treats you like a footstool ! " Later on, as time wore on, I saw how this advice could apply to Any manipulative controller in society, including abusive bosses, or co-workers, manipulative roomates, etc.
Thank You for Your unique significant contribution on helping in depth the survivors of narcissistic abuse. Best Wishes from someone in Greece 😊😊❤😊 Thank You truly! 😊🙏⭐️✨💫
Yeah, my ex told me that one of our kids would do anything for you, and I said no, he will do anything for you, I don't ask certain things of our kids.
The only connection I can think of is that both are based on the perpetrator’s undue emphasis of his/her own thoughts/emotions. In narcissistic abuse, perpetrators usually expresses the attitude that everything centers around them. They may object to that description and even insist that they don’t believe that; but, their actions say otherwise. Virtually everything you do/don’t do gets tied back to the perpetrator as a person. You’re either doing something right b/c you’re smart, capable, etc., or you’re intentionally doing it wrong in order to hurt/anger the perpetrator in some way. You are also likely to be accused of doing it wrong, even if you’re doing it right-again b/c of the perpetrator’s thoughts/emotions. Toxic positivity is generally not perpetrated with the intention to hurt anyone, and most wouldn’t even recognize it as being toxic/hurtful; but, in most cases, the perpetrator is still oblivious to the effect it has on others, and to the value of that effect. Narcissism is a psychological disorder and, with few exceptions, abuse is perpetrated with the tangible intention of causing harm. In contrast, toxic positivity is a behavioral flaw that is essentially an extreme version of selfishness, based in denial, and is generally perpetrated with the intention of maintaining and creating happiness. Most people are selfish, in some way or another. Toxic positivity is a subtle expression of selfishness-so subtle that even the perpetrator may not realize why it’s wrong b/c, after all, s/he is only seeking to encourage/uplift people. This is where denial comes in. Most people struggle/suffer, at some point or another. I believe that most people are also aware that there are people who experience more pain than they are aware of from their own lives. Denial allows people to look at someone who reminds them of themselves and assume that they cannot be justified in their suffering b/c the observer is not suffering. Denial also allows people who have suffered to deny the significance of other people’s suffering b/c it is notably different from their own, or b/c they perceive it as being notably different. From here, there are 2 extremes: One is for them to be semi-consciously abusive-meaning that they are generally aware that their actions are hurtful; but, they rationalize it as being justified. The other is to perpetrate toxic positivity-in which they are completely unaware that their actions are hurtful and it’s difficult for them to identify why they would be. Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
I knew it was the final discard, the first time around and I discarded my mother, instead. Once I came to radical acceptance of what was going on and what she was attempting to do, I entirely robbed her of the negative supply, of me crawling back on my knees. I never came back. From what I can tell, that turned into a disaster and it isn’t because I’m trying to pay myself on the back. But, I knew my covert mother and malignant sister, would likely kill one another and, with their exception of mom being older and just dying of natural causes (I think), I wasn’t gettin in the middle of that. Once I offer to take you to receive professional help and you choose utter destruction and discarding, as manipulation, we’re done.
I filed for divorce from a Covert narc & ASPD a few months ago. He has since moved out & uses the kids as his constant supply while also using any situation involving the kids to punish me, to do the exact opposite of what I tell him or I thought we agreed to & to inflict the most damage possible onto me. The rules will never apply to him & he acts like a spoiled, selfish, cruel petulant child. His every thought & motivation is about revenge & contempt. As long as he can legally spend time with our kids, he will continue to use this arrangement to inflict pain & damage onto me. Schedules & plans are opportunities for him to show me that the rules do not apply to him & to declare how weak & easily manipulated I am. He has destroyed my health. This man belongs behind bars.
Unfortunately I know exactly what you are going through. My daughter is also in the middle of this nightmare. Twi years since she walked away from her narcissistic husband and his venom and anger is even stronger. Keep strong, at least you don't have to see him every single day. Try to find a support network. Sending you love and hugs ❤
Can say it was easy to know she is over me ; cognitive dissonance, anxiety , depression , brain fog ( didn’t help none ) DARN . OK it wasn’t that easy . Thankyou for sharing your wisdom , it is most helpful .😊
Fascinating and helpful information. I was on a pedestal with my mother. In adulthood, I thought that it was equal to love. (Big mistake). Occurred at work too for decades, then later switched to group abuse and bullying. As my skills and competency increased, envy & jealousy increased.
Yes I can say that when I was involved with narcissist spectrum partners. I can clearly see some common denominators in them. And some of my own co dependent tendencies. The partners tended to be raised in performance driven narcissistic, materialist childhoods. And they then lacked basic cores of human empathy. They simply didn't wire up their minds with empathy in early development. I was very vulnerable to them. Maybe I still am in ways I haven't seen yet. One thing fir sure. This seems like a horrible waste of life, love and resources.
My narcissistic husband was just home ( on vacation) for 10 days. Most miserable 10 days ever. Screaming at me one day, silent treatment the next, then tried to be nice for a day. On and on. I feel like I have whiplash. Thankfully, he's back to work tomorrow where he can get his supply needs met.
You’re fueling the fire by staying in it for the money and the family. Get your confidence together and a plan in place then get out safely , you’ll be surprised how light you’ll feel. Best wishes
We know narcissists never take accountability. They are basically always hiding from seeing their bad behavior. Is this "hiding" the same as being unconscious of their behavior and what is meant by the shadow (Carl Jung)? Is that what the "shadow" is? Are narcissists just living 100% in their shadow? Are these terms the same? Thank you!👍❤❤❤
I think it would be easy for a narcissist to put a Christian or someone religiously minded to be put on a pedestal because the Christian is trying to reach an ideal. It's two sides of a coin: the image of God and the image of the narcissist.
I’ve learnt one thing ; this relationship with miss entitled was over as soon as it started . Wish I was a wombat . (Eats roots and leaves ) . Am ever so grateful for Dr Ramani ‘s insights .
That happens a lot, sadly, in the teacher-student dynamics. Wether the teacher or student being a narcissist, it is exhausting and effects so much the authentic learning that should be creating a learning , professional and safe environment
I raised 75k and Maria Luisa Clare is to be thanked. I got my self my dream car 🚗 just last weekend, My journey with her started after my best friend came back from New York and saw me suffering in dept then told me about her and how to change my life through her. Maria L. Clare is the kind of person one needs in his or her life! I got a home, a good wife, and a beautiful daughter. Note!:: this is not a promotion but me trying to make a point that no matter what happens, always have faith and keep living!!
We still have to honour ourselves to live with integrity,that is how we can win. The hardest is the unfairness,the alighting if ones character. However to live life the way they do isn't a life it is just a world they created for themselves to live in.
When they're grabbing your hand with the baby, I love you or other tbings they say; not everyone believes that. I think sometimes we give them more credit than they deserve.
The top of the ivory, golden gilt praise-pedestal may look wide, and feel good to be on...at first. I begins to erode...almost right away, and it grows a layer of eggshell, and broken glass, and rusty nails... ...as erosion continues, and it gets smaller, you find less and less ground to stand on, and eventually end up on your one foot, then your toes. Then just one toe. Even remaining motionless won't help, neither will swaying in the narcissists endless storm swirling around you... The pedestal eventually becomes a spike, impaling you on the desires of your narcissist...in agony...right where they want you. Fully controlled, and immobile, unable to escape... A fine prize, in their mind. Perfect.
The thing I'm doing is to build myself stronger and stronger day after day. When they do me a favor/ some nice things just enjoy it but always keep in mind that things could turn/flip 180° at anytime 😂 and don't be surprised. When they treat me silently just do the same. Don't worry or think that they would leave me forever (cause they can't, and if they do isn't it one of the best gifts ever?) don't worry if they try to make me jealous on social media, just don't go to their account, never ever!!! it drives them nuts😂. And we know what they actually do behind the door, so don't get twisted with what we see in public. What they did to us, they have done to the people before us and they will to the people they encounter after us. I know there's always hard time but just go back to ourselves. Be so rooted, start mindfulness/meditation. It does work for me. Hope everyone heals. Namaste. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your contents help me a lot. ❤
I think is very important to say: narcisistic rules are a simulacrum of the laws of reality, the laws of creativity and love. They want to be in the highest position without responsability or a mastered self. But you have to respect God and the way that you found the light of thuth. For some people, narcisists were very good sparring.
2 words - I did. this just happened in my head. when u r feeling don on yourself because of the narc, start asking yourself: who got u thru high school? I DID who passed all your tests in college? I DID who got you your job? I DID who taught you how to draw (or whatever)? I DID. who raised those kds? I DID who survived? I DID who bought that bedspread? I DID. who who who i bet you can do this for an hour. DO IT. I DID.
Yes I was either the Virgin Mary perfect person for him in every way, and could do no wrong--- or I was his mother and a bitch and cunt or whatever name he called me that night. I finally realise that I just couldn't win and I was fighting with a phantom.
Hi doctor Ramani. I have a question. I am currently going through divorce with my husband who from every indication he is one of the most dangerous narcissist. It took me 14 years of marriage to find out. And thanks to you Dr Ramani for making me understand what I was going through, I almost commented suicide due to forstration and depression. I am currently separated from my narcissistic husband. I get to see him once a week during drop-off and pick-up of our children. Now my question is; why does my heart skip and race in fear whenever I think or remember them or any kind of thought about my narcissistic husband. I have this sence of great anxiety in my body and in my chest, at that moment I feel scared. What is going on with my body. I need answers please 🙏
So, in their heads they think they are gods! They think they own the universe or whatever! How do you deal with people like that?! It is SUFFOCATING! 😢
Idk if my child actually realizes this at 34 that this is how her father manipulated her with the pedestal being a tool. I feel if she doesn’t by now, she never will 💔
I have put girlfriends on pedestals and a wife on one, and it has done nothing but wreck lives, including my own. It's high time to get real. But that ALSO means not projecting who I am not, nor NOT cutting through projections thrown towards ME. Two people casting their projections onto each other: a recipe for disaster. ("Ya THINK?"). "Pedestal creation" by either you or the other on to each other includes psychological projection as a factor (within the whole idea/reality of putting somebody on a pedestal).
What about when the Narc is an adult child. The Abuse is astonishing. An old lady Christian has become the object of the demands to accept and permit any immoral bad behavior or else.
I can't decide whether I should post my questions or just keep them in a journal. That might be because, in many cases, I think there are other frameworks that help me to develop in a way that I understand better
Would you do a podcast on mothers who have narcissistic daughters? I have two daughters, one has bipolar disorder and one has borderline personality disorder. They have very set standards for who they think I should be and if I do not comply they do not speak to me for long periods of time. They want me to stop being political, they've actually told me they wish I were younger because they think I used to be a cool mom and now I'm just older. I could use some guidance on this.
I have a few questions. I have to say I am not completely sold on the framework, but I think there is merit. I have to admit that I feel judged by this channel when I don't accept all of it whole heartedly. I find that most things that I see, or read, in general, I do not accept whole-heartedly. In my opinion, this is because of cultural differences. I am not always sure, however, what those exact cultural differences are. Also, I think going forward with this channel, I will ask questions because I find other forms of participation are not taken in a way that is conducive to the conversation. Questions: But, what if it is your belief that the best way you can help the situation for all parties involved is to keep your distance? Also, what if judgments from others cause problems at work? Lastly, what if you feel like having nothing to do with them and act/say things accordingly at times, but that doesn't actually sit well with your sense of right and wrong? Does that qualify as discarding and then making up? Or, is there another name for that?
The part about liking being placed on a pedestal hit home. In order to feel good about what little I get from them I have to give up who I am to become the person they think I am or want me to be. I understand that, yes, it is a position of safety and that they are trying to reinforce this terrible dynamic as well as their agenda, but what they keep forgetting (and probably want me to, as well) is that I am who I am, I know myself better than they do. I also have good logic and critical thinking skills under my belt. I’ve passed ALL of the required tests in order to be an autonomous, thinking individual with a mind of his own. The narcs can’t even crank out a coherent sentence, let alone a believable one and I am not so easily fooled anymore.
You have to learn how to extract the thuth of demons, let me use these words. Thats the cure. But the process is very complex. Sometimes they are doing this to teach you someting in a wicked way to participate in your story. Because they hate the fact that you are capable of be a good person. And if you defeat them you will get there. Not the pedestal, but at the top of a mountain, not vulnerable anymore.
Modern psychology was made by narcisists. Like Freud and his infantile trauma trap. Psychologist like to play this game os superiority. Sometimes they just don't know better.
Astrologically speaking, narcissism pertains to the sign of Leo, but not all Leos are narcissists; they are pretty generous and warm-hearted, but yeah, a lot of energies mixed up, it’s messed up. Maybe a little bit of Aries (the short temper); Cancer (the drama); Leo can be very dramatic as well; Virgo (likes to control); Scorpio (dark and powerful energy, also likes to have control over things and people). Narcissistically speaking, anyone can be regardless of signs. Pisces wouldn’t hurt a fly, but oh well...
Challenges in relationships are natural, but a path forward always exists. My marriage faced serious challenges, but with the right support, my wife and I resolved our issues and reinforced our bond. Solutions are within reach if you’re committed to the effort and working together. Don’t lose hope-answers are possible.
I’m dealing with major relationship troubles and can’t stand the idea of losing her. I love and miss my partner deeply and am ready to do anything to bring her back. Any advice or support you could provide would be sincerely appreciated.
Learning to let someone you love go is always a tough journey, but in my case, I had the wisdom of a spiritual mentor who kept my marriage from crumbling. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters
Your advice is valued. I'll promptly look her up online. Thank you. I'm optimistic that pursuing this method will also lead to favorable outcomes for me; I deeply yearn for her.
I'm told by the narc that I'm the bad person because I stood up for myself and said no. The narc would look for ways to jerk me around and pull the rug out from under me just for their own entertainment. Until I started standing up for myself and saying no, just a quiet no. I haven't heard from them in months.😂😂😂
The thing is PERMISSION. You just have to permit yourself to say no. You’re not a bad person and you deserve to be treated with RESPECT. The whole Universe agrees.
There is no changing dark and ugly. Let them be that way. I feel for it before. But now that I know about narcissism, I don't anymore. You have to praise them, think they're great, or the dark and ugly comes out. I prefer to stand in the light. That's where God is. I fell for the early love bombing, but not anymore. One day your in, the next day your out. Thats being pulled on and off the pedestal. Thank you.
With all the great videos here, not that I've seen them all, I can't seem to find anything anywhere (here or on UA-cam) that helps me with the unraveling I experience when I see him. I can't afford to move right now and the fact is, I do see him from time to time, and I always know if he's home or not. And every time I see him, even though we don't speak--because I broke the rules--same reason my narc parents hated me and I was the scapegoat, I lust over him like no one else. I may as well be addicted to crack.
He texted Im one of the best humans he ever met. 3 days later, he said I almost broke his fingers while holding hands. ABSURD. I cant wrap my brain around it.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail. com
Perfect description of 40 years of my life with my CN STBX.
Narcissists never forgive. They hold grudges for life. They may wait a while, but eventually they will seek vengeance. Be very careful if you ever break a narcissist’s rules. However, they will break all of your rules and they won’t think anything of it. They will expect you to forget about immediately.
There it is! Just like I predicted
They think of it quickly enough if they get permanently damaged physically.
@mooop348 that's why I don't comment anymore. They want to give advice even though I didn't ask for any.🫤
🎯
Thank you for all you do Dr Ramani!
I am a man married to one of 12 years. I am beaten down to almost nothing. Tired, drained, confused.
Thank you for you videos, it helps give me clarity.
1/ The Silent Treatment Treating You Like You Don't Exist
2/ Gas lightning
3/ Treatments Of Being Belittled Bullying Calling Horrible Names.
4/ Trying To Make The Victim Jealous
I Went Through Horrific Emotional And Psychological Abuse. I Currently have 2 Months Of No Contact Narcissitic Abuse Is Brutal.
Keep up the NO CONTACT. I was once two months also, now it’s been 6 yrs! There is NO other way to go but NC!
Every single thing you said in that order is happening to me!
They accept only subservience.
They get a chocolate for it.If you tell no and buy your own chocolate they want revenge as you can get a chocolate only by subservience but you bought your own...how could you did this to them.They have not much to do with freedom mentally.
Thank you for your consistent reminders.
The combination of good and bad things happening at the same time contaminates Joy with a sense of sadness and loss and bad memories. How do you find joy without that connection if you spent years in it?
I love this so much. Growing through this hasn’t been easy at all. But I am glad to be growing and moving past what I was settling for.
Proud of you! Remain strong among weak, bitter people who want to manipulate your behavior for their shallow self interest and misguided prioritization of personal comfort over rightness.
Everytime I watch one of these videos I realise more and more about my mothers relationship with me
When a narcissist puts you on a pedestal, you think you're standing tall but you're really on your knees.
Oooof! Beautifully put. ❤
The concept of splitting, as in this context, was new to me. Thank you so much for this new lens.
I made the mistake of dropping the restraining order & coming to an agreement with him through the courts. He has violated this agreement every single chance he gets. Narcs & ASPD’s will not follow rules because they believe they are above the rules. Unfortunately, the legal system takes too long & he has found ways to skirt & defy any court order. I don’t feel like I will ever be free of this man or get justice. His behavior will likely kill me before this happens.
@ Stephaniehelple...keep going back to court of law, you will get justice...don't give up so easily
Although my mother, as an alcaholic, drug addict, had her Own problems, she was often heard to say " beware the man who puts you on a pedestal , then treats you like a footstool ! " Later on, as time wore on, I saw how this advice could apply to Any manipulative controller in society, including abusive bosses, or co-workers, manipulative roomates, etc.
Thank you, Dr Ramani, for all your words of validation and wisdom ❤ you are a blessing to so many!
Thank You for Your unique significant contribution on helping in depth the survivors of narcissistic abuse. Best Wishes from someone in Greece 😊😊❤😊 Thank You truly! 😊🙏⭐️✨💫
Yeah, my ex told me that one of our kids would do anything for you, and I said no, he will do anything for you, I don't ask certain things of our kids.
The only connection I can think of is that both are based on the perpetrator’s undue emphasis of his/her own thoughts/emotions. In narcissistic abuse, perpetrators usually expresses the attitude that everything centers around them. They may object to that description and even insist that they don’t believe that; but, their actions say otherwise. Virtually everything you do/don’t do gets tied back to the perpetrator as a person. You’re either doing something right b/c you’re smart, capable, etc., or you’re intentionally doing it wrong in order to hurt/anger the perpetrator in some way.
You are also likely to be accused of doing it wrong, even if you’re doing it right-again b/c of the perpetrator’s thoughts/emotions. Toxic positivity is generally not perpetrated with the intention to hurt anyone, and most wouldn’t even recognize it as being toxic/hurtful; but, in most cases, the perpetrator is still oblivious to the effect it has on others, and to the value of that effect. Narcissism is a psychological disorder and, with few exceptions, abuse is perpetrated with the tangible intention of causing harm. In contrast, toxic positivity is a behavioral flaw that is essentially an extreme version of selfishness, based in denial, and is generally perpetrated with the intention of maintaining and creating happiness. Most people are selfish, in some way or another. Toxic positivity is a subtle expression of selfishness-so subtle that even the perpetrator may not realize why it’s wrong b/c, after all, s/he is only seeking to encourage/uplift people. This is where denial comes in. Most people struggle/suffer, at some point or another. I believe that most people are also aware that there are people who experience more pain than they are aware of from their own lives.
Denial allows people to look at someone who reminds them of themselves and assume that they cannot be justified in their suffering b/c the observer is not suffering. Denial also allows people who have suffered to deny the significance of other people’s suffering b/c it is notably different from their own, or b/c they perceive it as being notably different. From here, there are 2 extremes: One is for them to be semi-consciously abusive-meaning that they are generally aware that their actions are hurtful; but, they rationalize it as being justified. The other is to perpetrate toxic positivity-in which they are completely unaware that their actions are hurtful and it’s difficult for them to identify why they would be.
Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
You wrote a book😣
A Narcissist is exactly aware of the effects their actions have. That's how they manage to manipulate do well.
I knew it was the final discard, the first time around and I discarded my mother, instead. Once I came to radical acceptance of what was going on and what she was attempting to do, I entirely robbed her of the negative supply, of me crawling back on my knees. I never came back. From what I can tell, that turned into a disaster and it isn’t because I’m trying to pay myself on the back. But, I knew my covert mother and malignant sister, would likely kill one another and, with their exception of mom being older and just dying of natural causes (I think), I wasn’t gettin in the middle of that. Once I offer to take you to receive professional help and you choose utter destruction and discarding, as manipulation, we’re done.
I filed for divorce from a Covert narc & ASPD a few months ago. He has since moved out & uses the kids as his constant supply while also using any situation involving the kids to punish me, to do the exact opposite of what I tell him or I thought we agreed to & to inflict the most damage possible onto me. The rules will never apply to him & he acts like a spoiled, selfish, cruel petulant child. His every thought & motivation is about revenge & contempt. As long as he can legally spend time with our kids, he will continue to use this arrangement to inflict pain & damage onto me. Schedules & plans are opportunities for him to show me that the rules do not apply to him & to declare how weak & easily manipulated I am. He has destroyed my health.
This man belongs behind bars.
Unfortunately I know exactly what you are going through. My daughter is also in the middle of this nightmare. Twi years since she walked away from her narcissistic husband and his venom and anger is even stronger. Keep strong, at least you don't have to see him every single day. Try to find a support network. Sending you love and hugs ❤
im so sorry this is happening. i pray things get better for you, because that’s horrible & disgusting to do to anyone. bless you.❤️
Can say it was easy to know she is over me ; cognitive dissonance, anxiety , depression , brain fog ( didn’t help none ) DARN . OK it wasn’t that easy . Thankyou for sharing your wisdom , it is most helpful .😊
tailgating narcissists gas light drivers who are observing the speed limit into thinking they are doing something wrong
My narcissistic mother in law even blamed a building to be at fault that she drove into despite being warned beforehand.
Thanks for all the info! Always great
Waiting for Narc Survivor to comment first and talk on the subject before listening to Dr ❤️
Fascinating and helpful information. I was on a pedestal with my mother. In adulthood, I thought that it was equal to love. (Big mistake). Occurred at work too for decades, then later switched to group abuse and bullying. As my skills and competency increased, envy & jealousy increased.
I am grateful for your wisdom and your accessible manner of teaching, Dr. Ramani.
Why ?!? Do you think Dr. Ramani doesn't know what she's talking about ?!? Just curious.
@@wandamundy1759 you misunderstood:) Narc comments before listening to Dr Ramanis video, I'm saying he should listen to her first for once
"beware of the pedestal, the air is very thin up there..."
Yes I can say that when I was involved with narcissist spectrum partners. I can clearly see some common denominators in them. And some of my own co dependent tendencies. The partners tended to be raised in performance driven narcissistic, materialist childhoods. And they then lacked basic cores of human empathy. They simply didn't wire up their minds with empathy in early development. I was very vulnerable to them. Maybe I still am in ways I haven't seen yet. One thing fir sure. This seems like a horrible waste of life, love and resources.
So comforting, especially the last five minutes. Thanks, Dr. Ramani!
My narcissistic husband was just home ( on vacation) for 10 days. Most miserable 10 days ever. Screaming at me one day, silent treatment the next, then tried to be nice for a day. On and on. I feel like I have whiplash. Thankfully, he's back to work tomorrow where he can get his supply needs met.
You’re fueling the fire by staying in it for the money and the family.
Get your confidence together and a plan in place then get out safely , you’ll be surprised how light you’ll feel.
Best wishes
Expect being called a narcissist if you have any solid non-negotiable boundaries 😂
I believe Im going through the final discard cuz he’s able to be back with the chick he cheated on me with. I hate that i still want him back.
We know narcissists never take accountability. They are basically always hiding from seeing their bad behavior. Is this "hiding" the same as being unconscious of their behavior and what is meant by the shadow (Carl Jung)? Is that what the "shadow" is? Are narcissists just living 100% in their shadow? Are these terms the same? Thank you!👍❤❤❤
I think it would be easy for a narcissist to put a Christian or someone religiously minded to be put on a pedestal because the Christian is trying to reach an ideal.
It's two sides of a coin: the image of God and the image of the narcissist.
Exactly ! Apparently what a Lot of toxic Church Leaders do and a Lot of Cult Leaders Do !
The taller you stand, the harder or further you fall 🙃
Exactly. ⤵
I’ve learnt one thing ; this relationship with miss entitled was over as soon as it started . Wish I was a wombat . (Eats roots and leaves ) . Am ever so grateful for Dr Ramani ‘s insights .
That happens a lot, sadly, in the teacher-student dynamics. Wether the teacher or student being a narcissist, it is exhausting and effects so much the authentic learning that should be creating a learning , professional and safe environment
9 months of no contact
Rejected all his hovering
Feeling bit better
Recovery is slow very slow
$75k biweekly changed my mindset and behavior, my goals, my family and I've to say this video has inspired me a lot!!!!❤️
I'm feeling really motivated.
Could you share some details about the bi-weekly topic you brought up?
I raised 75k and Maria Luisa Clare is to be thanked. I got my self my dream car 🚗 just last weekend, My journey with her started after my best friend came back from New York and saw me suffering in dept then told me about her and how to change my life through her. Maria L. Clare is the kind of person one needs in his or her life! I got a home, a good wife, and a beautiful daughter. Note!:: this is not a promotion but me trying to make a point that no matter what happens, always have faith and keep living!!
Wow 😱 I know her too!
Miss Maria Luisa Clare is a remarkable individual whom has brought immense positivity and inspiration into my life.
I started with a miserly $1500. The results have been mind blowing I must say TBH
We still have to honour ourselves to live with integrity,that is how we can win. The hardest is the unfairness,the alighting if ones character. However to live life the way they do isn't a life it is just a world they created for themselves to live in.
An amoeba has a more definable shape than an empath after a narc is finished with them.
watch how he treats his mom while u r on the pedestal. after he has u, marries u, she will get your pedestal.
And also how his mom treats his new wife also is very telling she puts her son on a pedestal and feels that his new wife is not good enough for him.
When they're grabbing your hand with the baby, I love you or other tbings they say; not everyone believes that. I think sometimes we give them more credit than they deserve.
I could never reach the pedestal. I am not male.
The top of the ivory, golden gilt praise-pedestal may look wide, and feel good to be on...at first.
I begins to erode...almost right away, and it grows a layer of eggshell, and broken glass, and rusty nails...
...as erosion continues, and it gets smaller, you find less and less ground to stand on, and eventually end up on your one foot, then your toes.
Then just one toe.
Even remaining motionless won't help, neither will swaying in the narcissists endless storm swirling around you...
The pedestal eventually becomes a spike, impaling you on the desires of your narcissist...in agony...right where they want you.
Fully controlled, and immobile, unable to escape...
A fine prize, in their mind.
Perfect.
Well said!
The Discard is final when we Victims say it is. 🍒
😂😂😂how do you know when a narcissist is lying? Their lips are moving 😅😂😅😂
The thing I'm doing is to build myself stronger and stronger day after day. When they do me a favor/ some nice things just enjoy it but always keep in mind that things could turn/flip 180° at anytime 😂 and don't be surprised. When they treat me silently just do the same. Don't worry or think that they would leave me forever (cause they can't, and if they do isn't it one of the best gifts ever?) don't worry if they try to make me jealous on social media, just don't go to their account, never ever!!! it drives them nuts😂.
And we know what they actually do behind the door, so don't get twisted with what we see in public. What they did to us, they have done to the people before us and they will to the people they encounter after us.
I know there's always hard time but just go back to ourselves. Be so rooted, start mindfulness/meditation. It does work for me.
Hope everyone heals. Namaste.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your contents help me a lot. ❤
I think is very important to say: narcisistic rules are a simulacrum of the laws of reality, the laws of creativity and love. They want to be in the highest position without responsability or a mastered self. But you have to respect God and the way that you found the light of thuth. For some people, narcisists were very good sparring.
2 words - I did.
this just happened in my head. when u r feeling don on yourself because of the narc, start asking yourself:
who got u thru high school? I DID
who passed all your tests in college? I DID
who got you your job? I DID
who taught you how to draw (or whatever)? I DID.
who raised those kds? I DID
who survived? I DID
who bought that bedspread? I DID.
who who who
i bet you can do this for an hour.
DO IT.
I DID.
Yes I was either the Virgin Mary perfect person for him in every way, and could do no wrong--- or I was his mother and a bitch and cunt or whatever name he called me that night. I finally realise that I just couldn't win and I was fighting with a phantom.
10:10 you are not holistically viewed, you are viewed what you serve
until 11:50
They aren’t “my narcissist”. I don’t take ownership of anyone. ESPECIALLY the narcissist. Words matter. 💜
Hi doctor Ramani. I have a question. I am currently going through divorce with my husband who from every indication he is one of the most dangerous narcissist. It took me 14 years of marriage to find out. And thanks to you Dr Ramani for making me understand what I was going through, I almost commented suicide due to forstration and depression.
I am currently separated from my narcissistic husband. I get to see him once a week during drop-off and pick-up of our children.
Now my question is;
why does my heart skip and race in fear whenever I think or remember them or any kind of thought about my narcissistic husband. I have this sence of great anxiety in my body and in my chest, at that moment I feel scared. What is going on with my body. I need answers please 🙏
So, in their heads they think they are gods! They think they own the universe or whatever! How do you deal with people like that?! It is SUFFOCATING! 😢
The pedestal can go beyond the parent and supply can come from other family. At some point they decide to give in more fully.
Sometimes I feel bad when I share a different opinion. I think because of how it's gone.
Idk if my child actually realizes this at 34 that this is how her father manipulated her with the pedestal being a tool. I feel if she doesn’t by now, she never will 💔
Many people never will.
I have put girlfriends on pedestals and a wife on one, and it has done nothing but wreck lives, including my own.
It's high time to get real.
But that ALSO means not projecting who I am not, nor NOT cutting through projections thrown towards ME.
Two people casting their projections onto each other: a recipe for disaster. ("Ya THINK?").
"Pedestal creation" by either you or the other on to each other includes psychological projection as a factor (within the whole idea/reality of putting somebody on a pedestal).
What about when the Narc is an adult child. The Abuse is astonishing. An old lady Christian has become the object of the demands to accept and permit any immoral bad behavior or else.
Borderlines do splitting too. Common in Cluster B's
26:42 is the part I like the most
I can't decide whether I should post my questions or just keep them in a journal. That might be because, in many cases, I think there are other frameworks that help me to develop in a way that I understand better
Would you do a podcast on mothers who have narcissistic daughters? I have two daughters, one has bipolar disorder and one has borderline personality disorder. They have very set standards for who they think I should be and if I do not comply they do not speak to me for long periods of time. They want me to stop being political, they've actually told me they wish I were younger because they think I used to be a cool mom and now I'm just older. I could use some guidance on this.
I have a few questions. I have to say I am not completely sold on the framework, but I think there is merit. I have to admit that I feel judged by this channel when I don't accept all of it whole heartedly. I find that most things that I see, or read, in general, I do not accept whole-heartedly. In my opinion, this is because of cultural differences. I am not always sure, however, what those exact cultural differences are.
Also, I think going forward with this channel, I will ask questions because I find other forms of participation are not taken in a way that is conducive to the conversation.
Questions:
But, what if it is your belief that the best way you can help the situation for all parties involved is to keep your distance? Also, what if judgments from others cause problems at work? Lastly, what if you feel like having nothing to do with them and act/say things accordingly at times, but that doesn't actually sit well with your sense of right and wrong? Does that qualify as discarding and then making up? Or, is there another name for that?
What's the difference between having boundaries and having personal "rules"/preferences?🤷
Too many people lost any touch with reality ☝️
The part about liking being placed on a pedestal hit home. In order to feel good about what little I get from them I have to give up who I am to become the person they think I am or want me to be. I understand that, yes, it is a position of safety and that they are trying to reinforce this terrible dynamic as well as their agenda, but what they keep forgetting (and probably want me to, as well) is that I am who I am, I know myself better than they do. I also have good logic and critical thinking skills under my belt. I’ve passed ALL of the required tests in order to be an autonomous, thinking individual with a mind of his own. The narcs can’t even crank out a coherent sentence, let alone a believable one and I am not so easily fooled anymore.
You have to learn how to extract the thuth of demons, let me use these words. Thats the cure. But the process is very complex.
Sometimes they are doing this to teach you someting in a wicked way to participate in your story. Because they hate the fact that you are capable of be a good person. And if you defeat them you will get there. Not the pedestal, but at the top of a mountain, not vulnerable anymore.
Child parent pedestal analogy confused me from getting the point. Maybe the title confused me
Modern psychology was made by narcisists. Like Freud and his infantile trauma trap. Psychologist like to play this game os superiority. Sometimes they just don't know better.
Astrologically speaking, narcissism pertains to the sign of Leo, but not all Leos are narcissists; they are pretty generous and warm-hearted, but yeah, a lot of energies mixed up, it’s messed up. Maybe a little bit of Aries (the short temper); Cancer (the drama); Leo can be very dramatic as well; Virgo (likes to control); Scorpio (dark and powerful energy, also likes to have control over things and people). Narcissistically speaking, anyone can be regardless of signs. Pisces wouldn’t hurt a fly, but oh well...
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Is this a warning?
4th, 17 November 2024
Challenges in relationships are natural, but a path forward always exists. My marriage faced serious challenges, but with the right support, my wife and I resolved our issues and reinforced our bond. Solutions are within reach if you’re committed to the effort and working together. Don’t lose hope-answers are possible.
I’m dealing with major relationship troubles and can’t stand the idea of losing her. I love and miss my partner deeply and am ready to do anything to bring her back. Any advice or support you could provide would be sincerely appreciated.
Learning to let someone you love go is always a tough journey, but in my case, I had the wisdom of a spiritual mentor who kept my marriage from crumbling. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters
Your advice is valued. I'll promptly look her up online. Thank you. I'm optimistic that pursuing this method will also lead to favorable outcomes for me; I deeply yearn for her.
You should... I promise you will not regret it
I'm told by the narc that I'm the bad person because I stood up for myself and said no. The narc would look for ways to jerk me around and pull the rug out from under me just for their own entertainment. Until I started standing up for myself and saying no, just a quiet no. I haven't heard from them in months.😂😂😂
The thing is PERMISSION. You just have to permit yourself to say no. You’re not a bad person and you deserve to be treated with RESPECT. The whole Universe agrees.
Narcissism is like a virus 😂
They’re the agents of the devil. 😅 Sheesh! 😢
God bless you! ❤
Thanks
Do you have any input on a narcissist parent/family which has a child that is proven to be gifted/genius?
Just support them because they are true.
There is no changing dark and ugly. Let them be that way. I feel for it before. But now that I know about narcissism, I don't anymore. You have to praise them, think they're great, or the dark and ugly comes out. I prefer to stand in the light. That's where God is. I fell for the early love bombing, but not anymore. One day your in, the next day your out. Thats being pulled on and off the pedestal.
Thank you.
With all the great videos here, not that I've seen them all, I can't seem to find anything anywhere (here or on UA-cam) that helps me with the unraveling I experience when I see him. I can't afford to move right now and the fact is, I do see him from time to time, and I always know if he's home or not. And every time I see him, even though we don't speak--because I broke the rules--same reason my narc parents hated me and I was the scapegoat, I lust over him like no one else. I may as well be addicted to crack.
He texted Im one of the best humans he ever met. 3 days later, he said I almost broke his fingers while holding hands. ABSURD.
I cant wrap my brain around it.
I get tired of watching everyones videos, yours or whoever specializes in this. It is my own forgetfulness that causes it though, nobody else's fault.
I have to say thank you 💕 your videos have really helped me better understand what I have been through. And you look wonderful in Pink 🩷
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