Love is always good. It's the narcissists who are evil. The worst pain is getting hurt by the one you explained your pain too. That you thought, loved you.
@@edelweissdebergbaldrian7696 I totally relate to this...also, I did a bizarre thing, I thanked him a lot for being nice to me when he was 'nice'. Crazy in reality.
I love that she said that, because I always refer to my first toxic relationship as a loss of my innocence. He used to never find anything funny, and was dark spirited, and once he put that energy on to me I couldn’t look at the positive side to things anymore, and my ability to laugh at certain things has lessened. I genuinely feel it altered my brain completely
This sounds like my childhood once I hit eight and I remember I started paying attention to all the BS around me in the world and family. Lies and more lies when I would ask questions because I’ve always been curious. Living in the mountains outside of town so never had any friends nearby then moved to a farther school instead of having parents talk to the school on why I kept acting out when bullied. Always left to my own devices downstairs every day where I built legos that got progressively more complicated and mechanical. I’ve always been alone and it’s been the fall back for everything in life even now realizing my relationship for the last 13 years was a complete lie. I’ve never been appreciated with everything show of affection I do making her feel “gross” in her own woods.
Wow how true is this statement. Alot of covert narcs are those frat boys at universities spiking your drinks and raping women and then pointing the blame on women for drinking or wearing what they think is inappropriate clothes. They are NEVER at fault or so they think.
I've attracted two women with text book narcissistic tendencies. I married one & the first person I dated after 8 years of the end of the marriage also had narcissistic tendencies. I watch Dr. Ramani & realized my dad had narcissistic tendencies + avoidant (I've never been able to express my needs). I thought to myself on the commute home, "...there are two types of people in this world, victims &... abusers." I'll NEVER again be a victim!
@@geese.with.knives well, they must-run in twos . I never heard the word narcissist until after my narcissist denial, wife.. that my mother was definitely a narcissist. and my dad was a fixer for both women. I had married over a period 55 years. They both had same narcissist patterns just different types. I’ve been in counseling for a year working with my own tools that are given to me. I still have moments of struggle, the head the damage they do.
I was born into it, Narc parents, who am I? Every part of me is input from abuse. I finally started exploring Who I am at 60! It's like a baby learning to walk.
Silence the narc voice.. Your voice is the one behind the loud voice of the narc..... Get an emotional literacy course.. If you can afford it.. 😢It's horrible to be put down critical of every move you make.. 😢
Narcissistic Abuse Has Changed /Affected Me 1) Emotional Detachment 2/. High Levels Of Insecurities 3/ Trust Issues 4/ Feelings Of Inadequacy. 5/ Very Low Self Esteem Self Confidence And Self Worth. Living With Anxiety Depression PTSD 6/ Self Harming /Suicidal Ideation…. Narcissistic Abuse Is Brutal. My Only Comfort And Protection Is Self Isolation!!
I cannot heal. The trauma has broke me. I changed I’ve become a monster towards people. Extremely defensive & sensitive & more. Im trying so hard. 😞 I’m so angry.
Be patient and give yourself a break. Those who are on the path of healing went through it also. Trust and love yourself Meditate, it will help you overcome all you have been going through One day at a time or perhaps one moment at a time All the best
One huge irony of my narcissistic marriage to another man is that as our relationship deteriorated, he started saying “When we first met, you were so cheerful and energetic and you could accomplish anything you put your mind to, and that’s what I was attracted to.” He seemed to be so dismayed at the anxious depressed alcohol and drug addicted wreck that I became. You know how I got this way, sweetheart? You made me like this!
It's almost like they take credit for who you used to be and disparage the current you for your pain. My parents like to talk about how cheerful and sweet I was when I was little, before their abuse really started to take effect. Now, I've a darkness to me that offends them. It's like I'm tainted, jaded, and disenfranchised. They don't like this reflection of me. I'm a lot less generous with my empathy. The empathy they feel entitled to.
I have no doubt all those beautiful qualities were there, but he over time was the cause & effect in draining those special parts of you. They leave you depleted, sad, confused, etc by all the abuse that was endured (I can empathize with every aspect of what you described). I was fortunate to pull out & leave, though several months out many things pop up here & there. I will say he is in my mind less & less & each day is better than the day before. I'll take my life now & have no desire to ever go back to that horrendous time. My thoughts are with you & know you life is better now as well.
My father will look at anything “wrong” with me by describing it, and blaming it on my mother. He is never, ever wrong and the one statement that made someone else’s eyes pop out? He was asked what he might like to do differently to improve his relationship with me. “Nothing. I’m the perfect father.” 👀
At 73, to just be figuring this out, I know I have not walked in a healthy way with God. Had I been seeking some truth and wisdom, I would have found it - He promised. But what happened to me is the same as what you are telling me - self isolation, a distrust to talk to anyone, alas, what they come back with will be centered on themselves, again, it never changes. I have observed there is a somewhat normal range of "selfishness" in human nature - this is a truth and we are born that way - but we are supposed to grow up and take responsibility and learn to love, learn to treat others with the dignity we'd like to have, (Golden Rule); but I know the only one who will ever treat me as His own, is Jesus Christ. As a human, am I wanted too much to have the desire to sit and chat over hot chocolate with a good friend and laugh over shared private jokes? Where are the friends we used to have like that? And put a peppermint stick in it. I'm 73, and I won't have a friend to sit on a river cruise deck with me. And I find such sweet solace in being completely alone with my own stories and my own thoughts. I love doing nice things for a total stranger. I love people I don't know. I can serve them and not worry about their response - I just enjoy a simple smile of thanks and there's nothing else I need from them.
Same here. I can no longer let bad behavior slide with excuses given by others or let things go by my own thinking of giving a free pass as I used to do when I know I'd not behave that way toward them or others in a same situation.
And i learned through knowledge and healing, and agree with you that actions truly speak louder than words, and lack of actions can also speak truth in some scenarios.
I changed for good. I focus more on myself and maintain emotional distance from them. It feels good to be able to thrive professionally and rely on good friends for fulfillment.
After getting out of a ten year narcissist marriage I became an alcoholic. Now , I live in the countryside and drink now and again, but not like before. I went to a psychiatrist, she said i am bipolar and gave me medication. I tried to tell her about my narcissistic abuse, but, she said, get over it! I tried to tell her that i am traumatized...but still, no, you are bipolar. And I can't afford a therapist. Dr. Ramani is the only person who understands and has, is, helping me. Thank you for being there❤
I had this happen to me too. And the drug this woman prescribed wrecked my brain and caused serious health issues - on top of the ones I already had!! I am absolutely convinced that many of the so-called mental health “experts” are covert narcissists whose egos are propped up by their degrees and the greedy pharmaceutical industry that profits off of trauma. What a messed up world. I am so grateful to have this increasing awareness around narcissistic abuse and what it does to a person.
Be proud of yourself for getting out of it and seeking help. Those who don't know, don't know. It's nothing you just get over, that was not compassionate. Journaling and prayers also go a long way. I hope you feel better.
Beautiful testimony that reveals your strength and resilience. You’ve come out of this toxic relationship, and you will beat alcohol just the same. Your drinking is a response to the abuses you’ve been through. Understanding it will help you win the battle. As to this psychiatric, shame on her! They are the worst, in the modern days medicine. They are Big Pharma sales representatives, are often devoid of empathy, have zero knowledge about NPD (but actually have traits themselves….), and are grade A enablers! Throw away her pills and never see her again. But I’m sure you’ve done that already 😉
I was in a covert narcissist drug Feud relationship for 5 years. I got clean 3 years ago again and a month after that I took to sorry lazy ass out. And I vowed to be alone for a year and work on myself well it's been 3 years now. And I was completely trauma Bond I could not find a therapist to go to. And all I did was throw myself into researching narcissistic personality disorder and toxicity toxic abuse blah blah blah and also Dr Romney I mean she just makes it so easy to understand and you know she just so kind and caring and has to empathy I absolutely love her she's the best. And to be honest with you I'm not a doctor but is there any any therapist or psychiatrist told me to get over a narcissistic relationship I would run as fast as I could away from that jerk you may not even be bipolar it could all be issues that are unresolved from the narcissistic relationship. I'd find another one she sounds like an a******
Doctor Ramani, I really hope you read this and to everyone who is reading this.. I cried and endured a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend from an age of 19.. It was you and your videos that helped me rationalise my situation, being a highly empathetic person.. I realised and found that courage to walk out.. And honestly, you were a huge part of my courage and healing.. sending you all a lot of love and share that you’re not alone and yes, it’s possible to get yourself back!!❤
Deliberately do what the narcissist told you not to do or shamed you for doing I.e. laugh loud, talk loud, make jokes, sing, have friends, say 'no'. Fake it until you make it.
I lost myself in narcissistic relationships. When I got out, I felt like I didn't know myself. At 49, I'm still searching. I've been in narcissistic relationships (unknowingly) for the majority of my life. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Thank you for sharing this video, Dr. Ramani! I really appreciate you and respect you!! 😊
I really feel what you mean! I'm 50 now, (nearly 20 years narcissist free) and only a few years ago I was cleaning out my closets and I was wondering why do I have all these white and neutral colour clothes? I love black and bright, bold colours! Then I realized that I was STILL buying clothes based the tastes of my x, and hanging on to my old clothes because they were still "good" as he was always so annoyed at me whenever I bought anything new. Well, I got rid of ALL those clothes, and bought myself things that I never would have bought before, simply because I LIKED them! My husband immediately told me how much he liked my new style, and my mother asked me "Are you going goth now?" To which I replied "No, I just came out of the closet." But it's not just clothes, I discovered new hobbies, new music, renewed religious and spiritual life. I am still finding myself and growing as a person. Keep discovering you and never stop learning about yourself!
It's sad it takes some of us multiple narc relationships to finally figure it out. Then we go through the dilemma of, "Who would believe this." And most ppl don't. So then we shut down in that regard. Why bring something up that so many ppl will think...hmm, "Don't believe this, it's just too unbelievable," or, "What did this person do to deserve this?" 😒 So we then shut down yet again. 🥺❤
When it's your family of origin, realizing that the people who said they love you don't care about, respect, or even really like you all that much is like suffering a major loss. Until you realize what you perceived was just an elaborate "happy family" stage set; not reality. All you've lost is the facade, the playacting, and the dishonesty. You do have to grieve the loss, regardless, but it's survivable. Once you turn your energy, time, and talents to people who validate and appreciate you, you will grow in so many ways. A good friend asked me, "Why do spend so much time and effort with people who don't care about you?" Let them go with love; they can't be who you thought they were, but you can always be fully you - perfectly imperfect, just like everyone else.
I feel like I wrote this comment. It's so hard because I not only lost the man I thought loved me but I lost my place to live when I left him. Lost my job too. I left with only bags and boxes. Not even a car. I'm slowly getting my life back but I'm definitely a changed person but not sure who that person is yet 😔 I've been watching these videos and it has been helping me slowly crawl out of my depression. Glad they are helping you too. Much love to you 🤗
I was raised by such a person. As a child I did not understand. I had a nervous breakdown at 6, at 7 I spent my birthday in the hospital for a bleeding stomach ulcer and at 13, an ear infection that nearly cost me my life. I went nearly 6 years with an infection in my head and instead of seeking doctor's care, I was told I was a hypochondriac and I was reminded of an EEG I did at age 6 that proves I was a hypochondriac and crazy. By the age of 18 I had brain surgery and was told they could NOT believe I was alive. The 6 years of damage was so great I should not have lived. I am permanently brain damaged and hearing impaired from ongoing years of abuse and neglect. I finally broke free with no contact, which included my father because I refused to endure my mother's emotional, physical, sexual, and neglect abuse another day. Best thing I ever did. I went on to get 3 college degrees at the top 15% of my class. Not bad for a retarded person. Yes, my mother told me I was retarded and quoted that same EEG as proof. I am currently working on my autobiography. You too can get past the narcissist and live an amazing life. I travel and own my own business now. I am presenting at my conference this year. A dream since 1986! LOVE life now.
Trust your gut. That knot that you always have in the pit of your stomach. The overthinking you have to do about every conversation or interaction. The thinking through how you’re going to have a conversation to get them to notice you or understand you… All of it is not normal. They will tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic. They will tell you that you’re being overly sensitive… But you’re spot on. Give yourself time to analyze and unpack the turmoil/living hell you lived in, but don’t live in the analyzing . I continued, and still continue, to realize… Oh… So this was all part of the narcissism too… it is so deep and sick that you could spend the rest of your life analyzing and unpacking it. You have to give your thinking some boundaries. I actually had to set a timer and tell myself… OK you get an hour to think about this today and then you’re doing what is on your agenda. Oh… and… make yourself an agenda or list and DO IT …. Sometimes I had to force myself just to brush my teeth and get a shower… But you must stick to some sort of schedule. Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the 23 years I had wasted. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not being smarter and stronger quicker. I had to remind myself that I was the perfect match. As an only child of older parents, I was younger when they died and I had no family. His family became my family and he knew he had me. I had to remember my intentions were good and decent and God will honor what I did. I wanted to keep the family together and believe that no one could be as evil as his actions were showing me. Make safe changes. You don’t want to make big changes like changing jobs or moving across the country, although there are people that have no choice and have to do this. But make small changes like your hair color. Drive a different way to work. Wear a different style. As much as possible… spoil yourself. Do what you need to make yourself feel pretty or handsome. Order the decadent chocolate cake. Never feel ashamed. I remember that some people treated me like I was that homeless person that they felt sorry for but if they didn’t look it would all go away. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The beautiful part about it is I found out who really does care about me. You don’t have to have a lot of blood relatives to have family. You will find the people that mean the most; There will be loyal friends who you can let yourself be raw with… let it happen. Do no start looking for a relationship! I initially remember feeling as though I had to go out with people to feel desirable and flattered. I was in no way ready to be a partner to anyone until I could tell myself “You still got it girl!” and really believe it. NEVER look back or second guess yourself! It will never get better if you go back. And they will try to get you back. There’s never break up with a narcissist. As long as you allow it, they will continually try to get in touch with you and lead up to begging you to come back. It feels flattering but it is empty and meaningless. My ex-husband who ended up with a very young girl who has emotional and mental problems (I was her mentor in our church) has recently tried to ask me to give him just “one more chance” 5 days after the girl broke up with him. Every single time he did this In the past, The forgive me speech and crying was the same and his behavior was even worse with each time I went back. This is an addiction for you.. not love and addiction is hard to kick. Speaking of addiction… be careful not to pick up any others … pills, alcohol, shopping Train your thoughts. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. When you start to go down that path of negative thoughts and telling yourself life is going to be forever gloom and doom, remember that being apart from this monster is THE BEGINNING of a new life and the pain will lift. You were more alone and in danger with them than away from them. That’s it… buoy…. Ya! Take care of yourself. This healing needs all the healthy habits you can muster. When you’re feeling as though you’re having a strong moment, and you will see a pattern of times that you feel a bit stronger, pre-plan meals so that when you’re feeling really bad all you have to do is get in the refrigerator and heat something up. Put toothpaste on the brush so all you have to do is pick it up. Take melatonin to get rest. Take vitamins/supplements. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT…. Forever… you are doing this to heal not to get a reaction out of them or try to get them to love you. Keep talking to other survivors and remember that you are just that… A SURVIVOR. There will come a day that you will be helping others. Never feel bad for them. My ex-husband‘s mask has finally come off and he can’t keep the façade up anymore. It is pathetic. My adult children know not to discuss what is going on with him with me and I don’t ask. Don’t ask!!! They will look for every opportunity to tug on your heartstrings. Don’t wallow in thinking they are happy. They are desperately unhappy. They will never be happy and will delight in any weakness they see in you, so again…. ZERO ZILCH CONTACT or GRAY ROCK flat, noncommittal tone with as few words as possible. Count your blessings I remember looking at everybody around me and thinking how happy and lucky everybody else looked. Everybody has stuff going on. Yours is just super big at the moment. So look for blessings . I thanked God for little things that weren’t so little… a job close to home, my frig worked, I didn’t catch a cold from my first grade class (again.. take care of yourself). Some days it seemed ludicrous that there was a blessing, but sometimes the blessings were the things God Prevented from happening. Keep track of your progress. Three years away from my husband, looking back at my journey, I cannot believe how far God has brought me. You will be a new, better version of you if you don’t let the tail wag the dog. Knowledge is power. Read everything you can about this but again… Set boundaries for yourself… don’t stay stuck Boundaries boundaries boundaries I started to realize that I didn’t have boundaries set for myself at all. It was easy for people to tell me the way it was going to be and just assume that it would just be that way without me standing up for myself. Find confidence in putting your needs and emotional health first. You are not being selfish. Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.
No one who truly loves us would ever prefer seeing our light diminish. No one who truly loves us deliberately lies to others to isolate us. It's difficult for me to understand what motivates someone to want power and dominance. And isolating us slowly is their ticket to controlling the narrative that gives them that power dynamic that fulfills their needs. The ostracization is extremely harmful when it undercuts our support system. Healing is a very delicate process that's different for everyone. Those who care about and love us will treat us with compassion, embracing us as we move along our path to heal. It is a courageous leap back into light to find our way again. Some of the places we'll have to revisit are dark. The difference now is that we're just passing through.
@@StaceyHeitman-ch4wh Thank you so much for your kind words. You’ve made my day. Narcissistic abuse has taken a lot from me and altered the discourse of my entire life. No one deserves this abuse. Also, I’ve actually wanted to write a book about my experience but I’m a little intimidated by the idea of organizing my thoughts in a way that flows and makes sense. Thank you again. I feel like this is a sign for me. Stay well and take good care of yourself. ❤️❤️❤️
Erin... your message also made my day and brought me to tears... but happy tears.. This is your sign... follow your heart and thank you again for making my day also 💞
This is especially true of people who have/had narcissistic parents. The question of "who am I?" plagues one for the rest of their lives. "Who could I have been?" "Will I ever be who I could have been?".
Same thoughts come to my mind often, like almost daily. The grief is extremely hard, hope one day I will stop feeling pain. Working on self knowledge, shadow work to stop the cycle of abuse, boundaries and a couple of good friends (chosen family) helps a lot with the process, also a good therapiest. Hope you are well, you're not alone.
You sometimes question if your existence is even real since your self-worth and identity has been stripped away as you became an extension of someone who never existed.
5 Ways Narcissistic Relationships Change You 00:31 - You lose your sense of identity 09:06 - You become afraid to express your needs 18:19 - You lose your confidence 30:07 - You become hypervigilant 38:24 - You give up all of yourself
Experienced all four except the last one. I knew there was something wrong with our friendship, I just didn't know it was abuse back then. Thankfully, more than a year narc friend-free now 🎉 Hopefully, I could stop ruminating much less...
I’m currently on sick leave from a narcissistic boss, HR are trying to move me. I’ve never met anyone like him.. I thought I was going crazy and I started to dissociate.. I’m currently in counselling which is helping. Just can’t wait to be moved, but it’s made me lose my confidence and I feel dumb and hyper vigilant
My life with narcs has made me like Pearl Harbor on December 8th, 1941. Defensive and on alert for any narc but, thanks to you, Dr. Ramani, I'm no longer vulnerable.
If you don't recognise how much life is constantly being sucked out of you, eventually you are just existing, not living. I at this late stage am not employable, I did not see my mistake of not leaving early.
I have a hard time advocating for myself due to many years of gaslighting and my needs being ignored. I feel like asking for the smallest thing is to much. I knew when that thought came up something is wrong. It shouldn't be like that. I used to be so happy, confident, enjoyed living, found contentment in life, filled with peace and joy. Now I'm opposite of that. I feel depleted and just tired all the time. It's hard to see the beauty in life and I used to see it everywhere I went and in everything I did. I miss me so much. I get little glimpses of myself but then goes back into hiding. I don't want to turn into one of them. I don't want this to be my life. I want me back.
Am going through the same thing. I was full of life, happy at small moments in life. Bastard took my innocence away. Cheated on me. Betrayed and took full advantage of my kindness. Now I am just a remnant of my older self.
Can relate to all of this so much. When in doubt remind yourself that she is still there within you and when you feel safe enough she will come through more and more. If you can find some way of releasing some emotions, meditation helped for me i had fo start with the bare basics of just learning to notice my breath and feel my feet on the ground before i could even start to enjoy/feel anything and give yourself patience for healing. I hope it gets easier for you xxx
@@kimkayoda7454 I hope you do get back to yourself! The climb to the top of that battle is painful but will totally be worth it in the end. It is painful but necessary for healing and personal growth. I wish you peace and healing during those times and beyond that.
@@Cold1412 I'm sorry you went through that! It's really difficult and painful that someone close could do such a thing. I still think, I layed next this person and shared a bed with them. Shared the raw side of me and shared my spirit with them. Leaving and now dealing with the aftermath is the most difficult thing I've done in my life. I wish you the best, peace and healing!
Having been raised by schoolmistress mother I thought I was well prepared to take on the man who became my husband. I could not have been more wrong. Though charming at first he turned out to be a Jekyll & Hyde character, throwing his toys out of the pram if thinggs for him did not go right and if I did not comply with his demands. When he died after 36 years of marriage it took me a while to grieve to realise I was really grieving for myselfand the years I wasted with him.
I have one question for you. I am 69 years old and after losing my husband in 1998 due to a logging accident his friend came into my life 2 1/2 years later and love bombed me though I was still in a somewhat fragile condition and we married. After 23 years of living with what this video completely describes I have lived with, I am wondering how to get out. Here is my question: knowing what you do today, and if you could go back would you stay or go? God bless you all and thank you Dr.Ramani.
And it’s like we think’ how’ did we allow ourselves to endure But it was the up and down they fed just enough to keep you, make up feel there’s nothing out there but the man you’re with. The mind is complex My narc flew off the handle almost everyday about insignificant things He’s lost friends family Kids Has just me.. He doesn’t apologize but just does something nice To forget It was a roller coaster ride
Im 6 years out of my narc abusive relationship and the rebuild is brutal. Im still working on healing. That kind of relationship changes you! Its like they steal your light.
"We can never go backwards, but we can go back one last time and rescue our authentic selves"...that really resonated with me. Thank you! I am getting through it one day at a time.
It wasn't until I tried dating again that I realized how easily startled I am. The guy I'm seeing is one of the most polite and courteous people I've ever date, of not that most. I'm not afraid of him in anyway. But every time to touches me when I'm not expecting it... I jump out of my skin. He is very kind and understanding, and is willing to give me time and help me work through it. But realize just another way my last relationship affecting me after years... Was a tough pill with swallow. Stay strong everyone. Being free of a narcissist is like finally breathing fresh air. Its hard, but I would never go back.
That is hard. Just a suggestion, try and agree with your partner to start off slowly with touching and all things intimate and build on that. That does help.
If you don't feel comfortable, don't do anything. Our bodies know and try to protect us. Listen to your gut instinct and say no if you don't feel OK with anything. That's what I practice and it works! Best of luck ❤
“Most polite and courteous”. Those have unfortunately become a red flag for me after 20 years of cognitive dissonance 20 years of denying what was in front of me because he is “just so nice” that it must be me.
Dr. Ramani. Once again, thank you my mother was the lead narcissist in my family of origin and she trained my sister into narcissism. I was the eldest daughter of two, and I was used as mothers helper. Well, I was more than a helper I was expected to basically take over her domestic roles once I was 14. decided she wanted a career. I was always a little perplexed to say the least. I always scored well on standardized test in school got good grades, and when other neighbors and people that I knew would compliment my behavior to my mother, she would say something like you can’t fool me I did everything wrong there was to do and I know what she’s capable of. They often looked very perplexed because that wasn’t the experience they had with me just being a good but quiet kid. I had a federal grant and saved enough money to live on while earning as masters degree. Her response was don’t look to us for money. I followed my career for 49 years. Bought and paid for my house plus an income property and saved over a million dollars. I never got any kind words or praise from her they had to come from me to me. I am proud of what I accomplished.
Despite all you wrote, still you feel that pain from their inability to express kindness, love, respect, anything. As humans, we must be hard wired around this, not to be able to easily let go . I'm perplexed how damaging this n.a. is to recover from. Your story is one to be proud of and hope you have people in your life to give you love, smiles and hugs . 🌟🌟🌟
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping me through my greatest heartbreak. My narcissist ended our 17-year marriage to be with his millionaire affair partner. He left me both broke and broken. It's been 6 years, and I'm better, although I'm not sure I'll ever be the confident, engaged person I once was. I ruminate, self-isolate and trust no one. But I no longer feel wrong in my own skin, and I'm often grateful that he's out of my life. On those long nights when I can't sleep, I listen to one of your books, and it soothes me like nothing else can. I'm so thankful for your explanations and validation. Your teaching keeps me balanced and thinking clearly. ...You make the world a better place, and you've got a place in my heart forever. ❤
This is the hard part, but you’re so lucky they left. Find yourself again. Eventually the rumination ends, and you’ll find yourself. I rarely think about Dr Ramani anymore but her videos sometimes pop up and I watch them. I watch them out of interest but not really necessity. You will heal, you’ll see.
I went through a very similar situation recently with my ex narc in Los Angeles California. He left me destitute and damaged And I am desperately trying to build myself back up not only financially but mentally as well. I'm so thankful to have found Dr Ramani and her UA-cam videos. I've been using them as my therapy and listen to them at night as I go to sleep. I will say that I feel they are helping me mentally to an extent But I'm still having problems with rebuilding my life after his discard of me. I'm understanding now and that it was best for us to break up but at the time, which was only 4 months ago, I did not believe it to be true and desperately wanted to try to make it work between the two of us. Yes I am still having my days where I think back to the good times, meaning the love bombs at the beginning but then I make myself remember The doctor jekyll and Mr Hyde personality and the stressful life I was living trying to be perfect and living up to his expectations which we all know is never attainable.
35 years in a marriage before I learned what narcissism really is and what was happening to me. I can't leave this relationship. Therefore I live every day as a rock. Very careful not to give her any ammo at all. Unless I can laugh I give no emotion at all. It's a sad way to live but thanks to these videos I at least now understand what was happening to me. No more letting her trigger me then argue about my reaction to the trigger. For years she would push my buttons then say "see" you're always upset. For decades I thought that I was a negative Nancy who never remembers anything. Now I know that's not true. But unfortunately it's too late for me in many of these ways. 35 years ago I was a clown. Now I am a statue.
I think you are very brave to stay. I was married 28 years but my adult children said we can’t leave like this anymore. I was so confused by the abuse. Now 2 and half years later, still in the court system, which is how I imagined it would all end. It has been financially very difficult but not impossible. There is no right path, only the best path for you. I am far less lonely, which sounds weird, and living peacefully. All the best to you.
I’m in the same position. I allow my self to be a statue at home for 23 years. My husband is not physically abusive, which makes my relationship tolerable. I allow my self to be myself at work and when I hang out with my girlfriends. I’ve created a balance in my life. I married my husband for better or worse and in sickness and in health till death do us apart. I do love my husband. I just don’t take his words personally.
I understand. Im trying to rediscover my former interests while working at a harmonious way to cohabit with a very difficult person.we all find our way, but take care of your own flame, take time to develop your own talents. The Dr is right here, you are not invalidated, you are unique and stronger than you think
@@gloriastevens9269thank you for giving me hope. Like you I married my husband till the death of one. After 29 years and some absolutely wonderful memories and 3(19,23,27) upright, well rounded and self sustaining children in this marriage, I am finding that this has been my life also. There has never been any sort of abuse or mistreatment. He has only ever made me fell completely loved and has gone beyond to provide for our children and myself. For over 20 years he gave every extra ounce he had serving his community as a fire chief. He is the type of person to give you the shirt off his back and still try to help you farther. Now I see that I have given myself completely up for his happiness. My hopes and dreams I would say I have given up for his but really I don’t have any because I haven’t let myself in so long. Now I want me to have happiness also. Thank you for helping me see I can and still keep my marriage.
All I know is I’ve been crying & sobbing for weeks at how different of a person I am unpacking the abuse & seeing how my daughter is suffering sometimes make it hard to breathe😭😭
Not your fault. It gets better, especially if you get help. You have saved your daughter by getting out. There are free resources like ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) plus support groups on Meetup.
I constantly feel no one likes me or no one will like me if they get to know me. So, it’s just easier to be alone. It’s a lonely life. I went no contact with my family member and have lost virtually my whole family. Good luck to those who are in the same situation. ❤
I wish more than anything I had someone to talk to about my narcissistic abuser. She completely destroyed who I am. Including the relationship I had with my siblings and my mom. So scary how people just blame the victim. I’m coming back slowly but some days are so so so hard.
I will listen. I have a son who estranged from his family due to his narcisistic wife. She completely destroyed who he was. I miss him so much. I wish he would come back to his family and friends. You should be SO proud of yourself for getting away from your abuser. I feel like my son is being manipulated and controled by his narcisistic wife and he can't get away. I will never give up on him. I love him so much. Even though he is hurting me SO much, I can't stop loving him.
Finally stood up for myself against my sister and man the extended family people really started showing their true colors. Started following boundaries and not letting aunts and cousins walk all over me or dictate what i do for holidays and holy cow the anger. Their true colors are really coming out.
I had a young brother in law who was always pushed around and lectured by older controlling members of the family. They treated him like an idiot an really picked on him with mean lectures & pressure to a nasty extent. He finally stood up for himself and went no contact with his horrible oldest brother. There was a huge fuss, but he stuck to his position, and eventually they all had to accept their relationship with him on his terms. He's a great guy!
I had a young brother in law who was always pushed around and lectured by older controlling members of the family. They treated him like an idiot an really picked on him with mean lectures & pressure to a nasty extent. He finally stood up for himself and went no contact with his horrible oldest brother. There was a huge fuss, but he stuck to his position, and eventually they all had to accept their relationship with him on his terms. He's a great guy!
You just explained my gushy behavior…I often apologize for being so flirty with everyone and excuse it with “sorry! I don’t get out much!” Then I slink back home to the never ending pattern. Letting my light go is just what I feel and see has happened. I’m 56 now. I learned to “flat line” my personality to hopefully be less of a target! Thank you for this peek into my soul because I usually do not have the courage to look at it.
They hate me cuz I don't comply I never will. My boss is a narcissist I don't care I don't care I will get out of her freaking skin and I do she just can't fire me because she can't hire nobody else cuz nobody could stand her yep I'm going to pass I could read a room I want to shut my mouth yep I take care of myself when she pisses me off you bet your ass I got to piss her off more until I leave that job he has a way of punishing me no problem no problem I'll take a week She makes me sick
I changed a lot. I got anxious, have problem with sleeping and having trust issues. After the last time he wanted to meet with me he stood me up and was not picking up phone whole evening when I tried to contact him while I was waiting at the place where we were suppose to meet. Next day he called me and acted like he did not know about that. Then reached out to me and said he is very sorry, he was drinkng with his friends and did not hardcoded in his mind the fact we were suppose to meet. I've never felt so humiliated in my life and I did not respond to that anymore. I know now it's time to heal. There were too many situations I was accused of the fact that I ended this, I am the bad person, I'm not reaching out. This is so toxic and his poision will slowly eat you from the inside. Get away as fast as you can
Sounds like my ex, we were supposed to go out for my birthday, he texts me around 4pm that Saturday (on my actual birthday) and starts with “I’m not going to spend your birthday with you, I know you’ve been out today drinking with your friends and other guys, I don’t want to be with someone who sleeps around like you do, I also went by your house last night and you weren’t home….but happy birthday and I hope you have a fun night”…I was completely crushed, I just sat there and stared at that message, and cried. After about 25 minutes I text him back and I said “I understand, it’s totally fine, I get it.” And then I immediately blocked his number, I could not stop crying, I laid in my bed all night and cried. That’s how I spent my birthday last November. I decided that this was the last time that he was going to disrespect me, and there had been plenty of times that he had been so cruel and treated me like I was nothing. This was the last straw though, I was not going to sit there and call him over and over, text him a million times, beg him to spend time with me, try and convince him that I was not sleeping around or doing these horrible things that he was always accusing me of, that I was home and didn’t go anywhere like he said I did, only to have him tell me how awful I was and call me a slut and block me and ignore me anyway. I was done doing that. That night was such a slap in the face and it hurt my feelings so much, but that’s what it took for me to realize that this guy did not give a f*** about me, I was nothing to him, I didn’t matter to him and this is how little he thought of me. That was last year in November, I blocked him that night and I’m never going to unblock him. He came to my house about a week after that, but I didn’t open the door. I ignored him. It’s been quiet ever since. I am still working on myself and healing. I hope you’re doing better and I hope you heal and find someone who deserves you! ❤🥹
I was married for 25 years with 4 children. Unaware at the time about narcissistic abuse. After 7 years I started to plan an escape, determined to protect my children while bettering myself. Going back to school helped me to disengage from her. Although this sounds cold and calculating, I won't try to justify my decision by detailing the things that my ex did! After cutting off all contact, I moved across the country, knowing that she would try to seek revenge for me leaving her! Only now am I starting to understand how horrific narcissistic abuse was\is. I am wounded, I am changed, but I have survived!
I completely lost my creative side. I can’t come up with an original idea to save my life. I used to be so creative and artistic. I wrote poetry, made art, sewed my own designed clothes, and had good original ideas. Now? I can’t come up with anything. It’s like writer’s block. But it never goes away. I wonder if Google just makes it harder because I can Google an idea instead of dwell on it, and never get it accomplished? lol
I feel the same way! I was constantly drawing and creating before I married a narcissist. Now, I can't even imagine sitting down to draw, paint, or do craft projects. All I do now is make sure all his needs and wants are perfectly met. I've become a 24/7 cook, maid, etc.
Same here. I didn't know what was wrong with me - I used to do all that for fun...and then I felt numb. For years. This is the first year I've actively pushed back and the creativity is slowly returning. I found that spending more time consuming creative content inspired me to start creating again (and obviously, leaving the relationship is the first step). I started by reading books and going on walks with music. Do simple things to ground yourself, then build up slowly from there. I wish you luck!
@@soph541 connecting with creative people over crafting activities for the holiday season is soooo helpful in sooo many ways. Stayed up till 6 am with a friend covering foam cones in old, broken jewelry. ❤️ Thank God for bringing people into my life.
I struggled during a 30 year marriage to a narcissist to keep and express my creativity. Painting, fabric artist, belly dancing all gradually stopped because according to him, I spent too much time on it and should be at home or if at home I should be paying attention to him. Now, after freedom for 5 years my creative juices are finally starting to flow, even to the point that I am teaching painting.
Dr Ramani, I started to listen to you one year ago when I left my narc husband. You have been a beacon of light in my life. Your advice has turned my life around and you continuously help me feel strong as a woman. Thank you. 🙏
After experiencing a mother narc, and 2 male narcs, and just this past 8 months, an 77 yr old female narc who has stolen everything that she saw I needed in papers, birth certificate & personal financial papers are either still in her house or she tossed everything in the trash. Clothes, my guitar tools, all stolen by her. I've learned to hide my feelings, hide my empathic abilities, and basically stop trusting humans. Living alone is more peaceful.
Please call the police, that's identity theft and a theft overall, including other charges that can be identified. You are a wiser person but now you need to get legal help. Take care.
@triple999fruitful Update. I have literally gone through every box, 3 remaining, that I have torn apart 2 times. Then I opened a blank notebook & suddenly there's the birth certificate at the back of the note book. It was in a large brown envelope with the new lease & other vip papers . The brown envelope is gone. So, I know 100% this person was in my personal belongings & moved everything around just for her sick games. I need to find a way out of this town. 😩 All the other stuff can be replaced and doesn't qualify for a felony charge, already talked with a cop about that stuff. He said to just leave when possible & she'll have karma to deal with her petty crimes. Plus, he's going to keep tabs on her house, it was under watch for all the animals.
I hope you don’t take this as an invalidation of your experience. But I just wanna say after reading that that I get it. Not your specific circumstances, but it seems that people who are vulnerable to narcissistic abuse in the first place often are at risk of it reoccurring many times over. Makes it much more difficult to believe yourself, or feel like others believe you about it. I don’t know if you feel that way, but knowing that somebody else understands that reoccurring cycle of abuse around narcissism is somehow kind of nice to see. Sorry that you are going through this. well wishes
You learn to hide everything; now on your own try to, at least once a month, but something for YOU. Even a cake, just enjoy whatever it is as your award. I hope it helps you, it has me, not always but most of the time.
I went from being such a strong, organised, independent and confident woman, to a broken mess who couldnt even do a fu*king shopping list. I used to be loud and sociable and now i struggle to talk to people. I used to love hosting parties and meeting people. Now i hate people coming near my home and struggle to meet new people. I cant seem to get along with anyone and have trust issues with everyone
Exact same here, except for the woman part. That's one of those things that makes you think it's just you going through it. Thanks for sharing. It helps knowing others have suffered the same debilitating effects. Sad knowing too. Narcissism seems to be the real pandemic.
30 years of this with my mother left me deflated and beyond exhausted in every aspect - I cut her off 2 years ago and still haven’t recovered from the identity crisis and emotional burnout; left with C-PTSD and severe anxiety, I don’t know that I will ever fully be “whole”….i never was to begin with, she made sure of that.
I am in the process of cutting out of a Narcissistic Family system with a malignant Narc 'mother' at the center. To say I am Barely hanging on is a perverse understatement, X Infinity. There are no words in any language to describe how 'done' I am.... A Place beyond, hope, beyond despair, and I'm expected to F-ing "Live" Where Truth and Consciousness itself has disintegrated???!! Really F-ed up Universe? Really? Whatever F-ed up "lessons" you are trying to throw in face, I spit on and return back to You, Universe. This? THIS IS YOUR LESSON because I am BEYOND DONE. If the Planet, You want me here, then You damn well better give me a Reason worthy enough of Me...... Oh and time is running out for You Universe, not Me, You.
I feel your pain, as I finally understood that my mom is a narcissist. 😩😢 The constant control, criticism, manipulation, victimization, insults, envy, rage, comparison of siblings, negativity… the list goes on!! It’s absolutely exhausting and heartbreaking. However, finally connecting the dots, feels liberating and it explains so much. Learning to forgive yourself and her, while establishing firm boundaries is key. For me, finding my peace in God has made all the difference.
Even years after the abuse stopped, I still experienced extreme anxiety and PTSD even to this day. I thought about myself as stupid, worthless etc. and slowly started to pick up the scrambled pieces of my self-worth and confidence, though it sometimes crambled and I had to restart a bit again. I no longer suffer from the panic attacks and nightmares but still tremble from the memories. It’s not an easy journey
I left. Ten months into single life and I’m living my best life, but it has been a whirlwind of ups and downs and it has taken me a while to find my place. I’m not wholly there, but I’m a lot closer. One of my friends has said it’s like I’ve regained my soul 😊
I had a verbally and emotionally abusive stepfather. He and my mom married when I was 9 years old. I'm almost 60 years old and don't really know who I am or what my 'self poetry' is. I've been programmed to believe everything about me is bad or 'less than.' I question whether people really like me and find myself always worrying about what people think of me. It's all very tiring. At times when I do see a glimpse of myself, I'm not sure how to feel. It seems like my 'comfort zone' is feeling bad about myself and who I am.
I told my narcissistic husband I was leaving him and he killed himself before I could do so. Surprisingly, or not, I now have no idea who I really am and how to go about my life. Dr. Ramini's insight and knowledge is giving me a place to begin.
Im so sorry. They will do anything not to face the truth of who they are - empty shallow insecure undeveloped people. Nothing you could have done to change this. You have the right to live free and be your authentic self.
That's very unexpected that a narc committed suicide. Was it his real intention or did he want to scare and guilt you with an "attempt" but something went wrong and he offed himself for real?
Oh wow. Your description of the lady stopping what she loves. Stop laughing. Avoid the rage. Isolate. Lived it. After you split with their constant attacks you still live it. Will I ever be free to be at peace and ever get my sparkle back
This is how messed up my family system is (I am NOW out) of the family system, but one memory springs to mind. I was talking to a family member, and they literally got mad at me because I changed MY MIND ON MY BIRTHDAY, believe it or not! Creator, forbid I should change MY MIND. I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "I'm a grown adult, and it is not MY PROBLEM if you can't handle me changing my mind."
I'm really struggling to get through the grief, & anger with myself, for losing so many yrs trying to please narcissistic people in my personal life. I kept thinking if I did this, that, & the other thing, circumstances would be better. I've realized I developed the false belief it was up to me to "get along". There is no getting along with narcs! I kept going, like the energizer bunny, have run myself into the ground, & am so weary & sad. I'm thankful for these videos & online community who understand.
For the first 30!!!! Years of my life. My own sister consistently told Me that I would be a total looser and that I would never have a nice car. Well, I don't have a nice car and being a lover is objective. I work by helping people every day. Anyways, no bathtime memories with my sister in my world. I ended up with a very very abusive first spouse. I can't express enough how much I have learned from this channel. Dr. Ramani is increasing the distance between myself and suicide. Thank you!❤
So true, i didn't even realize that i had lost my self identity until after 15 years of being gas lighted,controlled, and manipulated. I lost contact with all my friends and even family members. Realized that living day by day on eggshells was not normal. I'm slowly learning how to selfcare and self-love again, to stand my ground little by little each day.
"...I couldn't figure out what laundry detergent to buy." That hits home. I left 50 years of close relations with narcissists. When I did, I barely knew which direction was up and which was down. A major decision was figuring out which pair of underwear to put on each morning. I'm a year out (age 55) of such relationships. I'm relearning/remembering what I like, what I want, what I need. It's been an amazing journey!
I'm very sick and suffering from intractable anxiety. My family cut me off when I divorced the narcissist. But, there were a lot of narcs in my family. I don't think I'll be okay again on earth. I miss my adult kids and worry all the time.
YEs, to all of this. It takes time, a lot of time in many cases, take it so post-nar. Feel slowly, it’s time to be you and not who the narcissist wanted you to be for their gain. Thank you!
After 7 years of relationship I'm putting the stop . Stop to the aggressive language, stop to the fear of doing something that he doesn't agree with. I'm not worthless, I deserve respect, I have to love myself. Shame that all these years I knew the problem but I didn't ended sooner. I'm looking forward to my new ME 😊
Dr.Ramani, You are my angel, I recently lost my Father after 2 years of caring for him, I am now caring for my mother. I have found myself in a 2 year relationship that has been fraught with pain and emotional abuse. It was not until I found your videos that I have finally understand how I have lost myself and why I was excepting his behavior towards me, my mother, and my Fathers memory. I have finally left and am trying to heal. I am a shell of the woman I was but you are helping me to just even want to move forward.
The more I got away from my narcissistic mother, I found that her narrative no longer ran through my head and instead it was my voice telling her my truth. As much as this has filled me with determination and gotten me past that grief, that internal voice that I used to break free has become a problem of its own. I feel that when most people meet me, they find me very amiable, but I've become sensitive to criticism and negativity directed at me and I've been known to get paranoid and lash out even when it's unwarranted. The trauma never fully goes away unfortunately.
Dr R nailed it again. I did not know if i was a good or bad person. Like i was floating in a helpless freefall. My 2 daughters are flying monkees so this has gone on since divorce. finally went no contact with one daughter. I deserve to be happy and not treated like crap.
I'm wondering what to do. I'm facing the reality that one of my sons have been daddys spy. . Ive had clues. But didnt want to believe it! Now I'm wondering if I have to face it! I love my children!
I’m a guy who was married to a guy. I was the older guy. I was the guy with an income. I was the guy with much more life experience. I also always assumed he and I were “in it together” and “there for each other.” So I did not routinely ask for permission. I expressed needs left and right! And barely any of them got met. Because apparently I was married to a narcissist. It took me years to realize this and to understand this. It took having my soul hollowed out over the course of 20 years. But I finally was granted the courage to change my marital status. Now we’re divorced. And I am finding it just as hard to recover my identity, my sense of self l, as Dr. Ramani is saying it is in this video.
I understand. Life is still worth living. It’s very hard to see them clearly. And hard to describe to people who haven’t experienced it. You are worthy of love. Telling myself the same thing.
This video should be mandatory in all schools. It literally teaches the communication skills no one ever taught any of us when we needed them most, as kids.
Your videos have been a huge contributing factor to my healing from Narcissistic abuse ever since I was a child & then with a grandiose malignant narcissist I learned that I was an actual introvert instead of my pre - existing extrovert personality I came to realise that I urgently needed a trauma focused therapist from listening to your videos I am healing slowly but surely No contact with nex & low contact with narcissistic Mother I am so very grateful to you for assisting me to turn my life around & reclaim my own authentic identity & being myself in my mid sixties Thank you Dr.Ramini
Wow this is me in every situation & it’s exhausting! I’ve never had anyone address this or even know what I was doing I just know I lack confidence & never know how to ask for what I want without feeling guilt or anxiety when I have needs. So I kill myself trying to do it all on my own so I don’t have to “ask permission” to do things I need to do & by asking “permission” it gives others the power to make the rules! Wow really powerful, eye opening subject you addressed today. But I’ve always been this way which is what led me to a horrible narcissistic marriage. But that relationship has been what has given me the fight to be my best authentic self & refuse to allow this world to destroy me. You were a big part of me learning how to do that when I first started researching narcissists & understand what I was dealing with & what I also grew up with. I give a big thank you to you for helping me make a huge about face & people are absolutely amazed that I have finally begun to come out shining from this very long dark tunnel I’ve been trapped in. I’ve worked very hard & still lots of growing but that never ends. This was another huge self growth video & something I’m actively working on. I’m people pleased to death & it’s time to take charge of my life & with confidence. Thank you for everything you do. You really do change peoples lives ❤
It did change me! It made me realise for the first time in my life to put myself first. To put end fort into my life instead of deadens relationships. I grew up to be a doormat and highly empathic and told that I have to fight harder for love and that love was meant to be painful. Not anymore! I went to EMDR and know my eyes are open! When it comes to life I’m going for blood. I’m so behind in life after years of sacrificing my life for people that only ended up hurting me and causing me trauma. At 31, I’m going back to university and got a job in the field already. I still desire to get married and have kids which is why my attention and love shifted from this manipulationship to my future and my life. Doing what I want and not allowing anyone to control me ever again!
Growing up..... my dad used to randomly say to me, put of control again..... I used to stop and just be so confused, what was I doing wrong? thank you for this video I was usually laughing and being my true happy, jovial self when he would choose to drop it. I remember being so stunned "what had I done wrong" I would feel so so sad and confused now , I am in a marriage that is the same I am praying for strength to leave thanks again Dr Ramani
I am totally shut down , no longer care about anything, am beyond angry and bitter, trapped, and waiting for myself or my narcissistic mother, the first but not the last narcissistic abuser, to die. Dont care which of us goes first, but its the only way out and I look forward to it. I will never be again who I was before they finally wore me down and silenced me. I no longer know who I am , I am an empty shell of the person I used to be. I can never be who I was.
I hope you’re doing better, this sounds a lot like my situation and how I feel. It is really hard and I hope I can eventually get back to feeling even 5% better than I do today. That would be a win for me. I feel like I’m stuck and lost.
After having a narcissistic mother, I was in several relationships with narcissistic men & friendships. I started not to trust my “picker”. I stopped dating & I’m working on myself to get healthy before I get into another relationship. I’m working on setting boundaries & not taking responsibility for others dysfunction. I cut out any people who are toxic or show narcissistic traits. I’ve learned I’m responsible to self protect, rebuild my self love & not give my power away to anyone. I’m teaching people how to treat me.
What you explain in your videos are always 100% relatable. If only there was a button that was pressed when our experience matched your findings, so we just snapped out of the effects and went back to normal.
I was and still have issues being around particularly men. And making new friends is hard because of betrayal. I left my family, they do all they can to misunderstand me and use me as a mule. I feel uncomfortable and still on guard with people after years of being out of that environment. I do want to have a loving relationship but due to my experience with family, friends and a long relationship with people who at least have narcissistic traits, I have little hope I’m able to trust people again. I know there are good people out there. I love people. But I really don’t like the way this world is becoming a barrel of malicious crabs trying to go for each others throat every given opportunity. Worked hard on myself and it gets better. Especially to accept things as they are and vet the good people from the people who live the way I don’t want to live. Which is exhausting by itself, no room for spontaneity. Nevertheless I often have to do three steps back to not get disappointed. This path is not for the weak.
There is only one person in a relationship with a narcissist - the narcissist. You are nothing but a service provider, emotional punching bag, occasional source of sexual pleasure, social disguise to make them look normal and vague shadow in the background of their life. You have to reconnect to yourself as well as reality, truth, love and even God due to all the lies and the evil you have been exposed to. Took me two years with the help of videos like this, Quora and a hundred books.
I had to reinvent myself at 46, after years of narc abuse and raised from a narc mother. I always felt I could not fit. With my last 5y relationship with my narc ex I totally lost myself. Till one day I discovered dr Ramani. A whole new world was opened in front of me and all the answers to my anxiety,gaslighting, gosting,silent treatment. My wounds will be the base rock to build a new healthy self. I'm thankfull.❤ 🙏
It's hard to realize it's not something intellect can protect from. My best friend was a scientist. We were even roommates for over a decade. After her boyfriend died, a guy we've known socially swooped in on her. Over just a few months I watched him at work. So obvious. But she separated from people and even relied on him for decision making. He also took great effort to pry our friendship apart. My friend who was like a sister was gone to me. And still is. I feel like she died and been grieving fir years like she died.
Dear me! This hit every button! I can’t believe how you hit EVERY thought and emotion I have experienced! It’s like your in my head! I have learned sooooo much from your videos but this one hit hard! THANK YOU! I have so much to learn after a 25 year marriage , 28 year relationship with a Narcissist! You describe it like you were there! Then you explain how it’s gonna be ok AND that it’s ok to deprogram from the abuse we didn’t know was happening! It’s hard fighting the crazy created in my head. I want to be healthy, I want to be me! I just don’t know how to get there with all the fog. Your messages genuinely help! THANK YOU! I wish there was a way I could have a few sessions with you! Um seriously how can I?.. Your amazing! You send genuine hope and direction to creating a life of deserved fulfillment! Again THANK YOU!!!
Psychological servitude! You are so right about that. Thankfully for all of us out there you know your needs and are being you, you call it out and are a wonderful example to us all.
When I was happy and laughing the N would make it a point to change the mood to gloom. I always thought Gloom Doom See You Soon. I hope everyone that's been treated that way will smile, laugh and be happy if you feel like it.❤ You deserve it 💓.
I think I am in a narcissistic relationship. I feel like I'm becoming a shell of who I once was. Everything I do is criticised, saying the wrong thing, standing in the wrong place. I get called names in every argument and an argument can happen because I had the audacity to ask my partner to hurry up when we are running late, or if I try to tell him how he made me feel when he's done something wrong. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and have a 1.5yr old. He went to go meet a male friend to go ocean swimming. We got in an argument and he stayed out all night and didn't come home until 9am. I was so upset because he was drinking so close to my due date and he had the car with the hospital bags. He wouldn't let me discuss it, I'm not allowed to ask any questions. I knew he was hiding something so I looked through his phone (I know I shouldn't have but I did) it turned out he wasn't at his male friends house but a female friends house, and there were messages of the 2 of them laughing at me and calling me the dragon, it turned out he'd done this before, gone to hers when he was meant to be elsewhere. I confronted him and he laughed. Called me crazy (as always) told me I shouldn't be looking through his phone. The next morning I made him breakfast and brought up the fact that going to his female friends house, drinking and not coming home when we've had an argument isn't appropriate behaviour he just lost it. Told me if I bring it up again it won't end well for me. I don't know what to do, this is only 1 small thing amongst many many incidents. Any time he does anything wrong, I'm not allowed to talk about it, I don't get an apology, if anything I just get more abuse. I genuinely have never felt so trapped and sad. Our son adores him so I just keep putting my feelings to the side to try and keep us together for my kids sake. I feel like as though I'm losing my mind. I once told him I thought he was a narcissist, he got so angry. since then he tells me all the time that it's me who's the narcissist, that it's me who's abusive. I know this isn't true, I read back through old texts and I know that no sane person would side with him. What do I do?
Yes, so many of us,by our tone, not only ask for something, but ask for reassurance in the asking . . . As Dr. Ramani states, such asking manifests the “power gap”.
I need 2 years of counseling. It's not more because I'm broke. And I refuse to be broke so I'm gonna get the help I need. Thank you for. The knowledge thank you❤
I got my start in life this way, the cringy, fawning, begging behavior. Traumatic friendships and relationships followed. Finally, FINALLY getting to work on deprogramming myself. Thanks to folks like Dr Ramani, Patrick Teahan.... books, etc. And my first love: music 🎵🎶 Wish you all very happy healing. 🙂🖐️❤️🌹
My mother was a narcissist, without realizing it I married a narcissist. After 23 years of marriage and abuse I divorced him. I felt like I grew up at 40 after 10 years of counseling I’ve remarried to a wonderful man. I lost my mother three years ago and between that and the divorce I finally felt free and felt like I could start healing. Now at age 50, my new husband’s estranged son has come into our lives and now I’m faced with it all over again and boy are all my triggers hit. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your explanations on this!
I really get upset by people who constantly talk about a narcissistic relationship like it's only romantic. Most of the time it's a parent and no child chooses that. We were fucked from the beginning.
For me naivety is Gone, I am Extremely Cautious with Trust, hyper vigilant to the extreme , in Some cases. Social status and other's opinions be Damned, it is now Safety First for Self and Loved Ones !
My mom was a narc, and I never knew all the damage she'd done until a therapist recommended Dr. Ramani. She has been so helpful! You have to find out what's broken before you can fix it. Hurts like crazy to see the blank space they made you into!! 100% the giving up all of yourself, those words made me cry realizing it was true and most of my life has been just "making it". I want to go back to enjoying, relishing, being an active participant in my life and finding out what brings me joy!!! Joyous wishes to all hurting out there!! You are wonderful and deserve joy!! ❤
My wife cheated on me and got pregnant. She burned 17 years we were together. I’m putting puzzle pieces together she definitely exhibits certain traces of behavior. In particular triangulation and lies were always there.
Sorry you had to deal with that type of person and pain. My relationship with a narcissist only lasted months but it made me realize I attracted those type of women myself. The people pleaser and helper. Made me take a step back and just like you started realizing the triangulation my ex tried to pull. Messed up people. Smh
I don't feel like I lost my personality, but I do feel damaged. I have self isolated, I don't want to be around people any more. You know when you have the 1000 yard stare, you find yourself looking at the wall across the room, and you really aren't looking at anything. Your mind is mostly blank, except for the one thought that still bothers your mind. You see the world as a different place now. You don't know who to trust, and you don't have the energy or desire to try to find out.
I can relate so well to your statement that "context matters" now that I'm retired in a 55+ community. I'm ready to leave it bc I'm so different now that I've made progress finding myself after growing up in a narc family system. I need to find my healthy "tribe" elsewhere!
Love is always good. It's the narcissists who are evil. The worst pain is getting hurt by the one you explained your pain too. That you thought, loved you.
It's horrifying when we finally wrap our brains around what happened. I was in shock for a while, I don't know how long, but it was awful.
Thank you. 🙏
@@edelweissdebergbaldrian7696 I totally relate to this...also, I did a bizarre thing, I thanked him a lot for being nice to me when he was 'nice'. Crazy in reality.
It's the ultimate betrayal!
So tru
"Narcissistic abuse is the lost of innocence." Dr. Ramani.
What are great line reclaiming my innocence again and again and again
I love that she said that, because I always refer to my first toxic relationship as a loss of my innocence. He used to never find anything funny, and was dark spirited, and once he put that energy on to me I couldn’t look at the positive side to things anymore, and my ability to laugh at certain things has lessened. I genuinely feel it altered my brain completely
This sounds like my childhood once I hit eight and I remember I started paying attention to all the BS around me in the world and family.
Lies and more lies when I would ask questions because I’ve always been curious.
Living in the mountains outside of town so never had any friends nearby then moved to a farther school instead of having parents talk to the school on why I kept acting out when bullied.
Always left to my own devices downstairs every day where I built legos that got progressively more complicated and mechanical.
I’ve always been alone and it’s been the fall back for everything in life even now realizing my relationship for the last 13 years was a complete lie.
I’ve never been appreciated with everything show of affection I do making her feel “gross” in her own woods.
Wow how true is this statement. Alot of covert narcs are those frat boys at universities spiking your drinks and raping women and then pointing the blame on women for drinking or wearing what they think is inappropriate clothes. They are NEVER at fault or so they think.
"give me back my girlhood, it was mine first"
I feel like a narcissist myself!!! I used to care about others and now I have none!
I've attracted two women with text book narcissistic tendencies. I married one & the first person I dated after 8 years of the end of the marriage also had narcissistic tendencies. I watch Dr. Ramani & realized my dad had narcissistic tendencies + avoidant (I've never been able to express my needs).
I thought to myself on the commute home, "...there are two types of people in this world, victims &... abusers."
I'll NEVER again be a victim!
@@geese.with.knives well, they must-run in twos . I never heard the word narcissist until after my narcissist denial, wife.. that my mother was definitely a narcissist. and my dad was a fixer for both women. I had married over a period 55 years. They both had same narcissist patterns just different types. I’ve been in counseling for a year working with my own tools that are given to me. I still have moments of struggle, the head the damage they do.
I understand that. I'm there. It takes time to heal and trust yourself after...
I take full responsibility for my behavior and that's something that narcissistic people NEVER DO!
But they love to accuse others of being fake.
They pretend to. Then they turn it all around and help you to feel somehow it’s your fault.
That’s what my narcissist ex would say.
NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. And IF.... IF... They do, they have MOTIVES for it. Period!
They want you to take the blame for their selfishness and games too. Glad I'm free from that now.
I was born into it, Narc parents, who am I? Every part of me is input from abuse. I finally started exploring Who I am at 60! It's like a baby learning to walk.
It's never too late to have peace
Amen 🙏
Thank you for sharing your story... mine is quite similar 😢
Silence the narc voice.. Your voice is the one behind the loud voice of the narc..... Get an emotional literacy course.. If you can afford it.. 😢It's horrible to be put down critical of every move you make.. 😢
Similar, I'm exploring starting at 50
Me too, better late than never!❤
Narcissistic Abuse Has Changed /Affected Me
1) Emotional Detachment
2/. High Levels Of Insecurities
3/ Trust Issues
4/ Feelings Of Inadequacy.
5/ Very Low Self Esteem Self Confidence And Self Worth.
Living With Anxiety Depression PTSD
6/ Self Harming /Suicidal Ideation….
Narcissistic Abuse Is Brutal.
My Only Comfort And Protection Is Self Isolation!!
Totally agree with everything. Isolation is safety and gives peace of mind.
@@nishurao7932Absolutely I Never Seen Suck Evilness Sadistic Behavior Until I Met A Narcissist
He Destroyed My Life Because I Loved Him
You're not alone. I feel the same way.
@@mday3821
Thank You So Very Much 🙏
This Person Destroyed My Life Because I Was In Love With Him
yes. me too.
I cannot heal. The trauma has broke me. I changed I’ve become a monster towards people. Extremely defensive & sensitive & more. Im trying so hard. 😞 I’m so angry.
Baby girl I feel that and I feel what you are feeling 😭
It worked totally opposite for me. I started to find grace and power in being kind and gentle no matter what.
Understand completely.
You can't change the old brain pathways, but you can build new overlapping ones
Be patient and give yourself a break.
Those who are on the path of healing went through it also.
Trust and love yourself
Meditate, it will help you overcome all you have been going through
One day at a time or perhaps one moment at a time
All the best
One huge irony of my narcissistic marriage to another man is that as our relationship deteriorated, he started saying “When we first met, you were so cheerful and energetic and you could accomplish anything you put your mind to, and that’s what I was attracted to.” He seemed to be so dismayed at the anxious depressed alcohol and drug addicted wreck that I became. You know how I got this way, sweetheart? You made me like this!
It's almost like they take credit for who you used to be and disparage the current you for your pain.
My parents like to talk about how cheerful and sweet I was when I was little, before their abuse really started to take effect. Now, I've a darkness to me that offends them. It's like I'm tainted, jaded, and disenfranchised.
They don't like this reflection of me. I'm a lot less generous with my empathy. The empathy they feel entitled to.
I'm so sorry, I understand.
I have no doubt all those beautiful qualities were there, but he over time was the cause & effect in draining those special parts of you. They leave you depleted, sad, confused, etc by all the abuse that was endured (I can empathize with every aspect of what you described). I was fortunate to pull out & leave, though several months out many things pop up here & there. I will say he is in my mind less & less & each day is better than the day before. I'll take my life now & have no desire to ever go back to that horrendous time. My thoughts are with you & know you life is better now as well.
My father will look at anything “wrong” with me by describing it, and blaming it on my mother. He is never, ever wrong and the one statement that made someone else’s eyes pop out? He was asked what he might like to do differently to improve his relationship with me. “Nothing. I’m the perfect father.” 👀
At 73, to just be figuring this out, I know I have not walked in a healthy way with God. Had I been seeking some truth and wisdom, I would have found it - He promised. But what happened to me is the same as what you are telling me - self isolation, a distrust to talk to anyone, alas, what they come back with will be centered on themselves, again, it never changes. I have observed there is a somewhat normal range of "selfishness" in human nature - this is a truth and we are born that way - but we are supposed to grow up and take responsibility and learn to love, learn to treat others with the dignity we'd like to have, (Golden Rule); but I know the only one who will ever treat me as His own, is Jesus Christ. As a human, am I wanted too much to have the desire to sit and chat over hot chocolate with a good friend and laugh over shared private jokes? Where are the friends we used to have like that? And put a peppermint stick in it. I'm 73, and I won't have a friend to sit on a river cruise deck with me. And I find such sweet solace in being completely alone with my own stories and my own thoughts. I love doing nice things for a total stranger. I love people I don't know. I can serve them and not worry about their response - I just enjoy a simple smile of thanks and there's nothing else I need from them.
I had to change to survive. I no longer make excuses for bad behavior. Actions speak louder than words.
Same here. I can no longer let bad behavior slide with excuses given by others or let things go by my own thinking of giving a free pass as I used to do when I know I'd not behave that way toward them or others in a same situation.
And i learned through knowledge and healing, and agree with you that actions truly speak louder than words, and lack of actions can also speak truth in some scenarios.
I changed for good. I focus more on myself and maintain emotional distance from them. It feels good to be able to thrive professionally and rely on good friends for fulfillment.
That is exactly what I did.
That is very healthy, blessings 🙏
Oh! That is what I long for! Still in the getting away phase. Wouldn't mind a little prayer...or two. God bless y'all!❤
@susannay.3437 I'm with you sister! It's time to stop merely surviving and begin thriving 🙌🏾👌🏾💯🌹
Amen 💜 to that! I reconnected with true friends who had been missing me. I nurture myself and don't blindly trust as I did before.
After getting out of a ten year narcissist marriage I became an alcoholic. Now , I live in the countryside and drink now and again, but not like before. I went to a psychiatrist, she said i am bipolar and gave me medication. I tried to tell her about my narcissistic abuse, but, she said, get over it! I tried to tell her that i am traumatized...but still, no, you are bipolar. And I can't afford a therapist. Dr. Ramani is the only person who understands and has, is, helping me. Thank you for being there❤
I had this happen to me too. And the drug this woman prescribed wrecked my brain and caused serious health issues - on top of the ones I already had!! I am absolutely convinced that many of the so-called mental health “experts” are covert narcissists whose egos are propped up by their degrees and the greedy pharmaceutical industry that profits off of trauma. What a messed up world. I am so grateful to have this increasing awareness around narcissistic abuse and what it does to a person.
Be proud of yourself for getting out of it and seeking help. Those who don't know, don't know. It's nothing you just get over, that was not compassionate. Journaling and prayers also go a long way. I hope you feel better.
@@penelope9455 Thank you for your lovely comment❤
Beautiful testimony that reveals your strength and resilience.
You’ve come out of this toxic relationship, and you will beat alcohol just the same. Your drinking is a response to the abuses you’ve been through. Understanding it will help you win the battle.
As to this psychiatric, shame on her! They are the worst, in the modern days medicine. They are Big Pharma sales representatives, are often devoid of empathy, have zero knowledge about NPD (but actually have traits themselves….), and are grade A enablers!
Throw away her pills and never see her again. But I’m sure you’ve done that already 😉
I was in a covert narcissist drug Feud relationship for 5 years. I got clean 3 years ago again and a month after that I took to sorry lazy ass out. And I vowed to be alone for a year and work on myself well it's been 3 years now. And I was completely trauma Bond I could not find a therapist to go to. And all I did was throw myself into researching narcissistic personality disorder and toxicity toxic abuse blah blah blah and also Dr Romney I mean she just makes it so easy to understand and you know she just so kind and caring and has to empathy I absolutely love her she's the best. And to be honest with you I'm not a doctor but is there any any therapist or psychiatrist told me to get over a narcissistic relationship I would run as fast as I could away from that jerk you may not even be bipolar it could all be issues that are unresolved from the narcissistic relationship. I'd find another one she sounds like an a******
Doctor Ramani, I really hope you read this and to everyone who is reading this.. I cried and endured a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend from an age of 19.. It was you and your videos that helped me rationalise my situation, being a highly empathetic person.. I realised and found that courage to walk out.. And honestly, you were a huge part of my courage and healing.. sending you all a lot of love and share that you’re not alone and yes, it’s possible to get yourself back!!❤
Were you able to stay away? Im really struggling and have a similar situation.
@@Cashmereseoulyou can stay away if you cut contact and start focusing on healing yourself
I'm so proud of you!!
Deliberately do what the narcissist told you not to do or shamed you for doing I.e. laugh loud, talk loud, make jokes, sing, have friends, say 'no'. Fake it until you make it.
Leaving is Honestly!The Only way...IF You Sincerely want a Genuine Life
I love this! Yes I swear I only survived my narc because I did this!!!!
@@angelinaesposito3058yes, going no contact is important. I did that but still.had to.reclaim.the joyful, exuberance of my natural personality
Laughing loud for ever ❤
Yep, they are miserable people. And misery loves company. The world needs our shine.
I lost myself in narcissistic relationships. When I got out, I felt like I didn't know myself. At 49, I'm still searching. I've been in narcissistic relationships (unknowingly) for the majority of my life. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Thank you for sharing this video, Dr. Ramani! I really appreciate you and respect you!! 😊
I really feel what you mean! I'm 50 now, (nearly 20 years narcissist free) and only a few years ago I was cleaning out my closets and I was wondering why do I have all these white and neutral colour clothes? I love black and bright, bold colours! Then I realized that I was STILL buying clothes based the tastes of my x, and hanging on to my old clothes because they were still "good" as he was always so annoyed at me whenever I bought anything new. Well, I got rid of ALL those clothes, and bought myself things that I never would have bought before, simply because I LIKED them! My husband immediately told me how much he liked my new style, and my mother asked me "Are you going goth now?" To which I replied "No, I just came out of the closet." But it's not just clothes, I discovered new hobbies, new music, renewed religious and spiritual life. I am still finding myself and growing as a person. Keep discovering you and never stop learning about yourself!
It's sad it takes some of us multiple narc relationships to finally figure it out. Then we go through the dilemma of, "Who would believe this." And most ppl don't. So then we shut down in that regard. Why bring something up that so many ppl will think...hmm, "Don't believe this, it's just too unbelievable," or, "What did this person do to deserve this?" 😒 So we then shut down yet again. 🥺❤
When it's your family of origin, realizing that the people who said they love you don't care about, respect, or even really like you all that much is like suffering a major loss. Until you realize what you perceived was just an elaborate "happy family" stage set; not reality. All you've lost is the facade, the playacting, and the dishonesty. You do have to grieve the loss, regardless, but it's survivable. Once you turn your energy, time, and talents to people who validate and appreciate you, you will grow in so many ways. A good friend asked me, "Why do spend so much time and effort with people who don't care about you?" Let them go with love; they can't be who you thought they were, but you can always be fully you - perfectly imperfect, just like everyone else.
I feel like I wrote this comment. It's so hard because I not only lost the man I thought loved me but I lost my place to live when I left him. Lost my job too. I left with only bags and boxes. Not even a car. I'm slowly getting my life back but I'm definitely a changed person but not sure who that person is yet 😔 I've been watching these videos and it has been helping me slowly crawl out of my depression. Glad they are helping you too. Much love to you 🤗
@@eurokay4755 beautifully said, thank you
I was raised by such a person. As a child I did not understand. I had a nervous breakdown at 6, at 7 I spent my birthday in the hospital for a bleeding stomach ulcer and at 13, an ear infection that nearly cost me my life. I went nearly 6 years with an infection in my head and instead of seeking doctor's care, I was told I was a hypochondriac and I was reminded of an EEG I did at age 6 that proves I was a hypochondriac and crazy. By the age of 18 I had brain surgery and was told they could NOT believe I was alive. The 6 years of damage was so great I should not have lived. I am permanently brain damaged and hearing impaired from ongoing years of abuse and neglect. I finally broke free with no contact, which included my father because I refused to endure my mother's emotional, physical, sexual, and neglect abuse another day. Best thing I ever did. I went on to get 3 college degrees at the top 15% of my class. Not bad for a retarded person. Yes, my mother told me I was retarded and quoted that same EEG as proof. I am currently working on my autobiography. You too can get past the narcissist and live an amazing life. I travel and own my own business now. I am presenting at my conference this year. A dream since 1986! LOVE life now.
Trust your gut. That knot that you always have in the pit of your stomach. The overthinking you have to do about every conversation or interaction. The thinking through how you’re going to have a conversation to get them to notice you or understand you… All of it is not normal. They will tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic. They will tell you that you’re being overly sensitive… But you’re spot on.
Give yourself time to analyze and unpack the turmoil/living hell you lived in, but don’t live in the analyzing . I continued, and still continue, to realize… Oh… So this was all part of the narcissism too… it is so deep and sick that you could spend the rest of your life analyzing and unpacking it. You have to give your thinking some boundaries. I actually had to set a timer and tell myself… OK you get an hour to think about this today and then you’re doing what is on your agenda. Oh… and… make yourself an agenda or list and DO IT …. Sometimes I had to force myself just to brush my teeth and get a shower… But you must stick to some sort of schedule.
Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the 23 years I had wasted. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not being smarter and stronger quicker. I had to remind myself that I was the perfect match. As an only child of older parents, I was younger when they died and I had no family. His family became my family and he knew he had me. I had to remember my intentions were good and decent and God will honor what I did. I wanted to keep the family together and believe that no one could be as evil as his actions were showing me.
Make safe changes. You don’t want to make big changes like changing jobs or moving across the country, although there are people that have no choice and have to do this. But make small changes like your hair color. Drive a different way to work. Wear a different style.
As much as possible… spoil yourself. Do what you need to make yourself feel pretty or handsome. Order the decadent chocolate cake.
Never feel ashamed. I remember that some people treated me like I was that homeless person that they felt sorry for but if they didn’t look it would all go away. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The beautiful part about it is I found out who really does care about me. You don’t have to have a lot of blood relatives to have family. You will find the people that mean the most; There will be loyal friends who you can let yourself be raw with… let it happen.
Do no start looking for a relationship! I initially remember feeling as though I had to go out with people to feel desirable and flattered. I was in no way ready to be a partner to anyone until I could tell myself “You still got it girl!” and really believe it.
NEVER look back or second guess yourself! It will never get better if you go back. And they will try to get you back. There’s never break up with a narcissist. As long as you allow it, they will continually try to get in touch with you and lead up to begging you to come back. It feels flattering but it is empty and meaningless. My ex-husband who ended up with a very young girl who has emotional and mental problems (I was her mentor in our church) has recently tried to ask me to give him just “one more chance” 5 days after the girl broke up with him. Every single time he did this In the past, The forgive me speech and crying was the same and his behavior was even worse with each time I went back. This is an addiction for you.. not love and addiction is hard to kick. Speaking of addiction… be careful not to pick up any others … pills, alcohol, shopping
Train your thoughts. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. When you start to go down that path of negative thoughts and telling yourself life is going to be forever gloom and doom, remember that being apart from this monster is THE BEGINNING of a new life and the pain will lift.
You were more alone and in danger with them than away from them. That’s it… buoy…. Ya!
Take care of yourself. This healing needs all the healthy habits you can muster. When you’re feeling as though you’re having a strong moment, and you will see a pattern of times that you feel a bit stronger, pre-plan meals so that when you’re feeling really bad all you have to do is get in the refrigerator and heat something up. Put toothpaste on the brush so all you have to do is pick it up. Take melatonin to get rest. Take vitamins/supplements.
NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT…. Forever… you are doing this to heal not to get a reaction out of them or try to get them to love you.
Keep talking to other survivors and remember that you are just that… A SURVIVOR. There will come a day that you will be helping others.
Never feel bad for them. My ex-husband‘s mask has finally come off and he can’t keep the façade up anymore. It is pathetic. My adult children know not to discuss what is going on with him with me and I don’t ask. Don’t ask!!! They will look for every opportunity to tug on your heartstrings.
Don’t wallow in thinking they are happy. They are desperately unhappy. They will never be happy and will delight in any weakness they see in you, so again…. ZERO ZILCH CONTACT or GRAY ROCK flat, noncommittal tone with as few words as possible.
Count your blessings I remember looking at everybody around me and thinking how happy and lucky everybody else looked. Everybody has stuff going on. Yours is just super big at the moment. So look for blessings . I thanked God for little things that weren’t so little… a job close to home, my frig worked, I didn’t catch a cold from my first grade class (again.. take care of yourself). Some days it seemed ludicrous that there was a blessing, but sometimes the blessings were the things God Prevented from happening.
Keep track of your progress. Three years away from my husband, looking back at my journey, I cannot believe how far God has brought me. You will be a new, better version of you if you don’t let the tail wag the dog.
Knowledge is power. Read everything you can about this but again… Set boundaries for yourself… don’t stay stuck
Boundaries boundaries boundaries I started to realize that I didn’t have boundaries set for myself at all. It was easy for people to tell me the way it was going to be and just assume that it would just be that way without me standing up for myself. Find confidence in putting your needs and emotional health first. You are not being selfish.
Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.
No one who truly loves us would ever prefer seeing our light diminish. No one who truly loves us deliberately lies to others to isolate us. It's difficult for me to understand what motivates someone to want power and dominance. And isolating us slowly is their ticket to controlling the narrative that gives them that power dynamic that fulfills their needs. The ostracization is extremely harmful when it undercuts our support system. Healing is a very delicate process that's different for everyone. Those who care about and love us will treat us with compassion, embracing us as we move along our path to heal. It is a courageous leap back into light to find our way again. Some of the places we'll have to revisit are dark. The difference now is that we're just passing through.
Thank you 🙏 for your comment... I'm saving it & sharing with my true friends that love me and never gave up on me... starting with Jesus 🙏🙌💖
I wanted to tell you that you should write...a book maybe 🤔... I'm intrigued by your words.. very healing and helpful...ty 🙏
@@StaceyHeitman-ch4wh Thank you so much for your kind words. You’ve made my day. Narcissistic abuse has taken a lot from me and altered the discourse of my entire life. No one deserves this abuse. Also, I’ve actually wanted to write a book about my experience but I’m a little intimidated by the idea of organizing my thoughts in a way that flows and makes sense. Thank you again. I feel like this is a sign for me. Stay well and take good care of yourself. ❤️❤️❤️
@@StaceyHeitman-ch4wh ❤️❤️❤️
Erin... your message also made my day and brought me to tears... but happy tears..
This is your sign... follow your heart and thank you again for making my day also 💞
This is especially true of people who have/had narcissistic parents.
The question of "who am I?" plagues one for the rest of their lives.
"Who could I have been?"
"Will I ever be who I could have been?".
Same thoughts come to my mind often, like almost daily. The grief is extremely hard, hope one day I will stop feeling pain. Working on self knowledge, shadow work to stop the cycle of abuse, boundaries and a couple of good friends (chosen family) helps a lot with the process, also a good therapiest.
Hope you are well, you're not alone.
This is exactly how I feel.
You sometimes question if your existence is even real since your self-worth and identity has been stripped away as you became an extension of someone who never existed.
Its terrible i feel it
Exactly. Very well put.
5 Ways Narcissistic Relationships Change You
00:31 - You lose your sense of identity
09:06 - You become afraid to express your needs
18:19 - You lose your confidence
30:07 - You become hypervigilant
38:24 - You give up all of yourself
Experienced all four except the last one. I knew there was something wrong with our friendship, I just didn't know it was abuse back then. Thankfully, more than a year narc friend-free now 🎉 Hopefully, I could stop ruminating much less...
Thank you for giving the timestamps.
@@liralai ☺🙏
I’m currently on sick leave from a narcissistic boss, HR are trying to move me. I’ve never met anyone like him.. I thought I was going crazy and I started to dissociate.. I’m currently in counselling which is helping. Just can’t wait to be moved, but it’s made me lose my confidence and I feel dumb and hyper vigilant
Sums it up succinctly!
My life with narcs has made me like Pearl Harbor on December 8th, 1941. Defensive and on alert for any narc but, thanks to you, Dr. Ramani, I'm no longer vulnerable.
Well said. That's the feeling exactly. 😢 There's healing and restoration ahead. ❤🥲
Omg! It is true🥲🥹💪
Yes, I agree. I’m like bring it. Mortal Combat. 😁
Good analogy 👏
Pearl Harbor occurred on Dec. 7th 1941
If you don't recognise how much life is constantly being sucked out of you, eventually you are just existing, not living. I at this late stage am not employable, I did not see my mistake of not leaving early.
It’s sometimes not even how they “Talked about you” it mostly how they treated you.😢
I have a hard time advocating for myself due to many years of gaslighting and my needs being ignored. I feel like asking for the smallest thing is to much. I knew when that thought came up something is wrong. It shouldn't be like that. I used to be so happy, confident, enjoyed living, found contentment in life, filled with peace and joy. Now I'm opposite of that. I feel depleted and just tired all the time. It's hard to see the beauty in life and I used to see it everywhere I went and in everything I did. I miss me so much. I get little glimpses of myself but then goes back into hiding. I don't want to turn into one of them. I don't want this to be my life. I want me back.
I'm getting me back too!! Not easy, never thought I would have this uphill challenge when it was not hard before he smothered me, I can only trust me.
Am going through the same thing. I was full of life, happy at small moments in life. Bastard took my innocence away. Cheated on me. Betrayed and took full advantage of my kindness. Now I am just a remnant of my older self.
Can relate to all of this so much. When in doubt remind yourself that she is still there within you and when you feel safe enough she will come through more and more. If you can find some way of releasing some emotions, meditation helped for me i had fo start with the bare basics of just learning to notice my breath and feel my feet on the ground before i could even start to enjoy/feel anything and give yourself patience for healing. I hope it gets easier for you xxx
@@kimkayoda7454 I hope you do get back to yourself! The climb to the top of that battle is painful but will totally be worth it in the end. It is painful but necessary for healing and personal growth. I wish you peace and healing during those times and beyond that.
@@Cold1412 I'm sorry you went through that! It's really difficult and painful that someone close could do such a thing. I still think, I layed next this person and shared a bed with them. Shared the raw side of me and shared my spirit with them. Leaving and now dealing with the aftermath is the most difficult thing I've done in my life. I wish you the best, peace and healing!
Having been raised by schoolmistress mother I thought I was well prepared to take on the man who became my husband. I could not have been more wrong. Though charming at first he turned out to be a Jekyll & Hyde character, throwing his toys out of the pram if thinggs for him did not go right and if I did not comply with his demands. When he died after 36 years of marriage it took me a while to grieve to realise I was really grieving for myselfand the years I wasted with him.
That sounds really tough. There are some useful thoughts in there for me, thank you.
I have one question for you. I am 69 years old and after losing my husband in 1998 due to a logging accident his friend came into my life 2 1/2 years later and love bombed me though I was still in a somewhat fragile condition and we married. After 23 years of living with what this video completely describes I have lived with, I am wondering how to get out. Here is my question: knowing what you do today, and if you could go back would you stay or go? God bless you all and thank you Dr.Ramani.
Thank you , powerful and honest comment !
His friend? Broke code that wouldn't been a red flag for sure.❤
And it’s like we think’ how’ did we allow ourselves to endure
But it was the up and down they fed just enough to keep you, make up feel there’s nothing out there but the man you’re with.
The mind is complex
My narc flew off the handle almost everyday about insignificant things
He’s lost friends family
Kids
Has just me..
He doesn’t apologize but just does something nice
To forget
It was a roller coaster ride
Im 6 years out of my narc abusive relationship and the rebuild is brutal. Im still working on healing. That kind of relationship changes you! Its like they steal your light.
"We can never go backwards, but we can go back one last time and rescue our authentic selves"...that really resonated with me. Thank you! I am getting through it one day at a time.
It wasn't until I tried dating again that I realized how easily startled I am. The guy I'm seeing is one of the most polite and courteous people I've ever date, of not that most. I'm not afraid of him in anyway. But every time to touches me when I'm not expecting it... I jump out of my skin.
He is very kind and understanding, and is willing to give me time and help me work through it.
But realize just another way my last relationship affecting me after years... Was a tough pill with swallow.
Stay strong everyone. Being free of a narcissist is like finally breathing fresh air. Its hard, but I would never go back.
That is hard. Just a suggestion, try and agree with your partner to start off slowly with touching and all things intimate and build on that. That does help.
If you don't feel comfortable, don't do anything. Our bodies know and try to protect us. Listen to your gut instinct and say no if you don't feel OK with anything. That's what I practice and it works! Best of luck ❤
“Most polite and courteous”. Those have unfortunately become a red flag for me after 20 years of cognitive dissonance 20 years of denying what was in front of me because he is “just so nice” that it must be me.
You go girl! I’m glad you’re out there and seeing someone. You deserve someone who is good to you. I’m glad you made it out. ❤
Dr. Ramani. Once again, thank you my mother was the lead narcissist in my family of origin and she trained my sister into narcissism. I was the eldest daughter of two, and I was used as mothers helper. Well, I was more than a helper I was expected to basically take over her domestic roles once I was 14. decided she wanted a career. I was always a little perplexed to say the least. I always scored well on standardized test in school got good grades, and when other neighbors and people that I knew would compliment my behavior to my mother, she would say something like you can’t fool me I did everything wrong there was to do and I know what she’s capable of. They often looked very perplexed because that wasn’t the experience they had with me just being a good but quiet kid. I had a federal grant and saved enough money to live on while earning as masters degree. Her response was don’t look to us for money. I followed my career for 49 years. Bought and paid for my house plus an income property and saved over a million dollars. I never got any kind words or praise from her they had to come from me to me. I am proud of what I accomplished.
You should be proud, you have accomplished a lot. Sorry that was your experience.
Good for you, I'm proud of you.
Despite all you wrote, still you feel that pain from their inability to express kindness, love, respect, anything. As humans, we must be hard wired around this, not to be able to easily let go . I'm perplexed how damaging this n.a. is to recover from. Your story is one to be proud of and hope you have people in your life to give you love, smiles and hugs . 🌟🌟🌟
These videos are helping me recover from decades of narcissistic abuse. Thank you so much for making these!
The same here
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping me through my greatest heartbreak. My narcissist ended our 17-year marriage to be with his millionaire affair partner. He left me both broke and broken. It's been 6 years, and I'm better, although I'm not sure I'll ever be the confident, engaged person I once was. I ruminate, self-isolate and trust no one. But I no longer feel wrong in my own skin, and I'm often grateful that he's out of my life. On those long nights when I can't sleep, I listen to one of your books, and it soothes me like nothing else can. I'm so thankful for your explanations and validation. Your teaching keeps me balanced and thinking clearly. ...You make the world a better place, and you've got a place in my heart forever. ❤
This is the hard part, but you’re so lucky they left. Find yourself again. Eventually the rumination ends, and you’ll find yourself. I rarely think about Dr Ramani anymore but her videos sometimes pop up and I watch them. I watch them out of interest but not really necessity. You will heal, you’ll see.
❤
I went through a very similar situation recently with my ex narc in Los Angeles California. He left me destitute and damaged And I am desperately trying to build myself back up not only financially but mentally as well. I'm so thankful to have found Dr Ramani and her UA-cam videos. I've been using them as my therapy and listen to them at night as I go to sleep. I will say that I feel they are helping me mentally to an extent But I'm still having problems with rebuilding my life after his discard of me. I'm understanding now and that it was best for us to break up but at the time, which was only 4 months ago, I did not believe it to be true and desperately wanted to try to make it work between the two of us. Yes I am still having my days where I think back to the good times, meaning the love bombs at the beginning but then I make myself remember The doctor jekyll and Mr Hyde personality and the stressful life I was living trying to be perfect and living up to his expectations which we all know is never attainable.
35 years in a marriage before I learned what narcissism really is and what was happening to me. I can't leave this relationship. Therefore I live every day as a rock. Very careful not to give her any ammo at all. Unless I can laugh I give no emotion at all. It's a sad way to live but thanks to these videos I at least now understand what was happening to me. No more letting her trigger me then argue about my reaction to the trigger. For years she would push my buttons then say "see" you're always upset. For decades I thought that I was a negative Nancy who never remembers anything. Now I know that's not true. But unfortunately it's too late for me in many of these ways. 35 years ago I was a clown. Now I am a statue.
I think you are very brave to stay. I was married 28 years but my adult children said we can’t leave like this anymore. I was so confused by the abuse. Now 2 and half years later, still in the court system, which is how I imagined it would all end. It has been financially very difficult but not impossible. There is no right path, only the best path for you. I am far less lonely, which sounds weird, and living peacefully. All the best to you.
*live
I’m in the same position. I allow my self to be a statue at home for 23 years. My husband is not physically abusive, which makes my relationship tolerable. I allow my self to be myself at work and when I hang out with my girlfriends. I’ve created a balance in my life. I married my husband for better or worse and in sickness and in health till death do us apart.
I do love my husband. I just don’t take his words personally.
I understand. Im trying to rediscover my former interests while working at a harmonious way to cohabit with a very difficult person.we all find our way, but take care of your own flame, take time to develop your own talents. The Dr is right here, you are not invalidated, you are unique and stronger than you think
@@gloriastevens9269thank you for giving me hope. Like you I married my husband till the death of one. After 29 years and some absolutely wonderful memories and 3(19,23,27) upright, well rounded and self sustaining children in this marriage, I am finding that this has been my life also. There has never been any sort of abuse or mistreatment. He has only ever made me fell completely loved and has gone beyond to provide for our children and myself. For over 20 years he gave every extra ounce he had serving his community as a fire chief. He is the type of person to give you the shirt off his back and still try to help you farther. Now I see that I have given myself completely up for his happiness. My hopes and dreams I would say I have given up for his but really I don’t have any because I haven’t let myself in so long. Now I want me to have happiness also. Thank you for helping me see I can and still keep my marriage.
All I know is I’ve been crying & sobbing for weeks at how different of a person I am unpacking the abuse & seeing how my daughter is suffering sometimes make it hard to breathe😭😭
Not your fault. It gets better, especially if you get help. You have saved your daughter by getting out. There are free resources like ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) plus support groups on Meetup.
You will get there, sending you and your daughter love xx
❤
My mother birthed me into the worst abuse imaginable. You SHOULD feel sorry for your innocent daughter. Make better decisions.
I constantly feel no one likes me or no one will like me if they get to know me. So, it’s just easier to be alone. It’s a lonely life. I went no contact with my family member and have lost virtually my whole family. Good luck to those who are in the same situation. ❤
Same here, sounds like my life honestly. 😞
I wish more than anything I had someone to talk to about my narcissistic abuser. She completely destroyed who I am. Including the relationship I had with my siblings and my mom. So scary how people just blame the victim. I’m coming back slowly but some days are so so so hard.
Narcs estrange you from family and friends. I get it. You aren’t alone. Don’t beat yourself up.
DinaStein , You are courageous! I love your vulnerability .
I will listen. I have a son who estranged from his family due to his narcisistic wife. She completely destroyed who he was. I miss him so much. I wish he would come back to his family and friends. You should be SO proud of yourself for getting away from your abuser. I feel like my son is being manipulated and controled by his narcisistic wife and he can't get away. I will never give up on him. I love him so much. Even though he is hurting me SO much, I can't stop loving him.
@@TJ-so9xo thank you for sharing your story with me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can see your son again soon. 🙏🏼
Mine worked really hard at separating me from everyone I knew. After 12 of being with her I’ve got so much to put back together.
Finally stood up for myself against my sister and man the extended family people really started showing their true colors. Started following boundaries and not letting aunts and cousins walk all over me or dictate what i do for holidays and holy cow the anger. Their true colors are really coming out.
I had a young brother in law who was always pushed around and lectured by older controlling members of the family. They treated him like an idiot an really picked on him with mean lectures & pressure to a nasty extent.
He finally stood up for himself and went no contact with his horrible oldest brother. There was a huge fuss, but he stuck to his position, and eventually they all had to accept their relationship with him on his terms.
He's a great guy!
I had a young brother in law who was always pushed around and lectured by older controlling members of the family. They treated him like an idiot an really picked on him with mean lectures & pressure to a nasty extent.
He finally stood up for himself and went no contact with his horrible oldest brother. There was a huge fuss, but he stuck to his position, and eventually they all had to accept their relationship with him on his terms.
He's a great guy!
Good on him...
@@elipotter369
Live your dream even in your head. Start somewhere One step at a time makes strides. Peaceful life is waiting for you.🙌 🌞 💖
You just explained my gushy behavior…I often apologize for being so flirty with everyone and excuse it with “sorry! I don’t get out much!” Then I slink back home to the never ending pattern.
Letting my light go is just what I feel and see has happened. I’m 56 now. I learned to “flat line” my personality to hopefully be less of a target!
Thank you for this peek into my soul because I usually do not have the courage to look at it.
Except I’m not even flirting and feel wrong for just talking to anybody.
@@TaylorElizabethHunt.ditto
They hate me cuz I don't comply I never will. My boss is a narcissist I don't care I don't care I will get out of her freaking skin and I do she just can't fire me because she can't hire nobody else cuz nobody could stand her yep I'm going to pass I could read a room I want to shut my mouth yep I take care of myself when she pisses me off you bet your ass I got to piss her off more until I leave that job he has a way of punishing me no problem no problem I'll take a week She makes me sick
You sound very courageous and strong. 🌹
“Flat line” is entirely accurate
I changed a lot. I got anxious, have problem with sleeping and having trust issues. After the last time he wanted to meet with me he stood me up and was not picking up phone whole evening when I tried to contact him while I was waiting at the place where we were suppose to meet. Next day he called me and acted like he did not know about that. Then reached out to me and said he is very sorry, he was drinkng with his friends and did not hardcoded in his mind the fact we were suppose to meet. I've never felt so humiliated in my life and I did not respond to that anymore. I know now it's time to heal. There were too many situations I was accused of the fact that I ended this, I am the bad person, I'm not reaching out. This is so toxic and his poision will slowly eat you from the inside. Get away as fast as you can
Sounds like my ex, we were supposed to go out for my birthday, he texts me around 4pm that Saturday (on my actual birthday) and starts with “I’m not going to spend your birthday with you, I know you’ve been out today drinking with your friends and other guys, I don’t want to be with someone who sleeps around like you do, I also went by your house last night and you weren’t home….but happy birthday and I hope you have a fun night”…I was completely crushed, I just sat there and stared at that message, and cried. After about 25 minutes I text him back and I said “I understand, it’s totally fine, I get it.” And then I immediately blocked his number, I could not stop crying, I laid in my bed all night and cried. That’s how I spent my birthday last November. I decided that this was the last time that he was going to disrespect me, and there had been plenty of times that he had been so cruel and treated me like I was nothing. This was the last straw though, I was not going to sit there and call him over and over, text him a million times, beg him to spend time with me, try and convince him that I was not sleeping around or doing these horrible things that he was always accusing me of, that I was home and didn’t go anywhere like he said I did, only to have him tell me how awful I was and call me a slut and block me and ignore me anyway. I was done doing that. That night was such a slap in the face and it hurt my feelings so much, but that’s what it took for me to realize that this guy did not give a f*** about me, I was nothing to him, I didn’t matter to him and this is how little he thought of me. That was last year in November, I blocked him that night and I’m never going to unblock him. He came to my house about a week after that, but I didn’t open the door. I ignored him. It’s been quiet ever since. I am still working on myself and healing. I hope you’re doing better and I hope you heal and find someone who deserves you! ❤🥹
I was married for 25 years with 4 children. Unaware at the time about narcissistic abuse. After 7 years I started to plan an escape, determined to protect my children while bettering myself. Going back to school helped me to disengage from her. Although this sounds cold and calculating, I won't try to justify my decision by detailing the things that my ex did!
After cutting off all contact, I moved across the country, knowing that she would try to seek revenge for me leaving her! Only now am I starting to understand how horrific narcissistic abuse was\is. I am wounded, I am changed, but I have survived!
I completely lost my creative side. I can’t come up with an original idea to save my life. I used to be so creative and artistic. I wrote poetry, made art, sewed my own designed clothes, and had good original ideas. Now? I can’t come up with anything. It’s like writer’s block. But it never goes away. I wonder if Google just makes it harder because I can Google an idea instead of dwell on it, and never get it accomplished? lol
I feel the same way! I was constantly drawing and creating before I married a narcissist. Now, I can't even imagine sitting down to draw, paint, or do craft projects. All I do now is make sure all his needs and wants are perfectly met. I've become a 24/7 cook, maid, etc.
Creative energy is sexual energy…. Tune into your pleasure
Same here. I didn't know what was wrong with me - I used to do all that for fun...and then I felt numb. For years. This is the first year I've actively pushed back and the creativity is slowly returning. I found that spending more time consuming creative content inspired me to start creating again (and obviously, leaving the relationship is the first step). I started by reading books and going on walks with music. Do simple things to ground yourself, then build up slowly from there. I wish you luck!
@@soph541 connecting with creative people over crafting activities for the holiday season is soooo helpful in sooo many ways. Stayed up till 6 am with a friend covering foam cones in old, broken jewelry. ❤️ Thank God for bringing people into my life.
I struggled during a 30 year marriage to a narcissist to keep and express my creativity. Painting, fabric artist, belly dancing all gradually stopped because according to him, I spent too much time on it and should be at home or if at home I should be paying attention to him. Now, after freedom for 5 years my creative juices are finally starting to flow, even to the point that I am teaching painting.
Dr Ramani, I started to listen to you one year ago when I left my narc husband. You have been a beacon of light in my life. Your advice has turned my life around and you continuously help me feel strong as a woman. Thank you. 🙏
After experiencing a mother narc, and 2 male narcs, and just this past 8 months, an 77 yr old female narc who has stolen everything that she saw I needed in papers, birth certificate & personal financial papers are either still in her house or she tossed everything in the trash. Clothes, my guitar tools, all stolen by her. I've learned to hide my feelings, hide my empathic abilities, and basically stop trusting humans. Living alone is more peaceful.
Please call the police, that's identity theft and a theft overall, including other charges that can be identified.
You are a wiser person but now you need to get legal help. Take care.
Unfortunately true
@triple999fruitful Update. I have literally gone through every box, 3 remaining, that I have torn apart 2 times. Then I opened a blank notebook & suddenly there's the birth certificate at the back of the note book. It was in a large brown envelope with the new lease & other vip papers . The brown envelope is gone. So, I know 100% this person was in my personal belongings & moved everything around just for her sick games. I need to find a way out of this town. 😩 All the other stuff can be replaced and doesn't qualify for a felony charge, already talked with a cop about that stuff. He said to just leave when possible & she'll have karma to deal with her petty crimes. Plus, he's going to keep tabs on her house, it was under watch for all the animals.
I hope you don’t take this as an invalidation of your experience. But I just wanna say after reading that that I get it. Not your specific circumstances, but it seems that people who are vulnerable to narcissistic abuse in the first place often are at risk of it reoccurring many times over. Makes it much more difficult to believe yourself, or feel like others believe you about it. I don’t know if you feel that way, but knowing that somebody else understands that reoccurring cycle of abuse around narcissism is somehow kind of nice to see. Sorry that you are going through this. well wishes
You learn to hide everything; now on your own try to, at least once a month, but something for YOU. Even a cake, just enjoy whatever it is as your award. I hope it helps you, it has me, not always but most of the time.
I went from being such a strong, organised, independent and confident woman, to a broken mess who couldnt even do a fu*king shopping list. I used to be loud and sociable and now i struggle to talk to people. I used to love hosting parties and meeting people. Now i hate people coming near my home and struggle to meet new people. I cant seem to get along with anyone and have trust issues with everyone
I was the same way. I wish you the best on your recovery journey. I am planning on going no contact asap. My goal is to get my sparkle in my eye back
Exact same here, except for the woman part. That's one of those things that makes you think it's just you going through it. Thanks for sharing. It helps knowing others have suffered the same debilitating effects. Sad knowing too. Narcissism seems to be the real pandemic.
It is easier to break a human than repair the broken spirit
30 years of this with my mother left me deflated and beyond exhausted in every aspect - I cut her off 2 years ago and still haven’t recovered from the identity crisis and emotional burnout; left with C-PTSD and severe anxiety, I don’t know that I will ever fully be “whole”….i never was to begin with, she made sure of that.
I am in the process of cutting out of a Narcissistic Family system with a malignant Narc 'mother' at the center. To say I am Barely hanging on is a perverse understatement, X Infinity.
There are no words in any language to describe how 'done' I am....
A Place beyond, hope, beyond despair, and I'm expected to F-ing "Live" Where Truth and Consciousness itself has disintegrated???!! Really F-ed up Universe? Really? Whatever F-ed up "lessons" you are trying to throw in face, I spit on and return back to You, Universe. This? THIS IS YOUR LESSON because I am BEYOND DONE. If the Planet, You want me here, then You damn well better give me a Reason worthy enough of Me......
Oh and time is running out for You Universe, not Me, You.
I feel your pain, as I finally understood that my mom is a narcissist. 😩😢
The constant control, criticism, manipulation, victimization, insults, envy, rage, comparison of siblings, negativity… the list goes on!!
It’s absolutely exhausting and heartbreaking. However, finally connecting the dots, feels liberating and it explains so much.
Learning to forgive yourself and her, while establishing firm boundaries is key. For me, finding my peace in God has made all the difference.
Even years after the abuse stopped, I still experienced extreme anxiety and PTSD even to this day. I thought about myself as stupid, worthless etc. and slowly started to pick up the scrambled pieces of my self-worth and confidence, though it sometimes crambled and I had to restart a bit again. I no longer suffer from the panic attacks and nightmares but still tremble from the memories. It’s not an easy journey
I left. Ten months into single life and I’m living my best life, but it has been a whirlwind of ups and downs and it has taken me a while to find my place. I’m not wholly there, but I’m a lot closer. One of my friends has said it’s like I’ve regained my soul 😊
I love this! It gives me hope. ❤
❤ So right on. At 60, am finally learning & becoming aware of my true self.
Never too late 🎉 Thank you
I had a verbally and emotionally abusive stepfather. He and my mom married when I was 9 years old. I'm almost 60 years old and don't really know who I am or what my 'self poetry' is. I've been programmed to believe everything about me is bad or 'less than.' I question whether people really like me and find myself always worrying about what people think of me. It's all very tiring. At times when I do see a glimpse of myself, I'm not sure how to feel. It seems like my 'comfort zone' is feeling bad about myself and who I am.
I told my narcissistic husband I was leaving him and he killed himself before I could do so. Surprisingly, or not, I now have no idea who I really am and how to go about my life. Dr. Ramini's insight and knowledge is giving me a place to begin.
Im so sorry. They will do anything not to face the truth of who they are - empty shallow insecure undeveloped people. Nothing you could have done to change this. You have the right to live free and be your authentic self.
That's very unexpected that a narc committed suicide. Was it his real intention or did he want to scare and guilt you with an "attempt" but something went wrong and he offed himself for real?
Definitely his intention - without a doubt.@@cb9825
@cb9825 I discovered suicide by a narcissist is not as rare as u might think. His intention was indisputable.
@@debthebrit Oh wow, that's very enlightening.
Oh wow. Your description of the lady stopping what she loves. Stop laughing. Avoid the rage. Isolate. Lived it. After you split with their constant attacks you still live it. Will I ever be free to be at peace and ever get my sparkle back
This is how messed up my family system is (I am NOW out) of the family system, but one memory springs to mind. I was talking to a family member, and they literally got mad at me because I changed MY MIND ON MY BIRTHDAY, believe it or not! Creator, forbid I should change MY MIND. I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "I'm a grown adult, and it is not MY PROBLEM if you can't handle me changing my mind."
I'm really struggling to get through the grief, & anger with myself, for losing so many yrs trying to please narcissistic people in my personal life. I kept thinking if I did this, that, & the other thing, circumstances would be better. I've realized I developed the false belief it was up to me to "get along". There is no getting along with narcs! I kept going, like the energizer bunny, have run myself into the ground, & am so weary & sad. I'm thankful for these videos & online community who understand.
For the first 30!!!! Years of my life. My own sister consistently told
Me that I would be a total looser and that I would never have a nice car. Well, I don't have a nice car and being a lover is objective. I work by helping people every day.
Anyways, no bathtime memories with my sister in my world.
I ended up with a very very abusive first spouse.
I can't express enough how much I have learned from this channel.
Dr. Ramani is increasing the distance between myself and suicide. Thank you!❤
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. I’m praying with you. Things will get better and I have been there.
WONDERFUL!!❤❤❤
So true, i didn't even realize that i had lost my self identity until after 15 years of being gas lighted,controlled, and manipulated. I lost contact with all my friends and even family members. Realized that living day by day on eggshells was not normal. I'm slowly learning how to selfcare and self-love again, to stand my ground little by little each day.
Good for you. Well done.
"...I couldn't figure out what laundry detergent to buy."
That hits home.
I left 50 years of close relations with narcissists. When I did, I barely knew which direction was up and which was down.
A major decision was figuring out which pair of underwear to put on each morning.
I'm a year out (age 55) of such relationships. I'm relearning/remembering what I like, what I want, what I need. It's been an amazing journey!
I miss the trusting, giving, kind, optimistic, healthy, vital girl I was.
A decade of reclaiming myself, but never able to return
I'm very sick and suffering from intractable anxiety. My family cut me off when I divorced the narcissist. But, there were a lot of narcs in my family. I don't think I'll be okay again on earth. I miss my adult kids and worry all the time.
YEs, to all of this. It takes time, a lot of time in many cases, take it so post-nar. Feel slowly, it’s time to be you and not who the narcissist wanted you to be for their gain. Thank you!
You have saved my life with these videos. I cannot thank you enough.
After 7 years of relationship I'm putting the stop . Stop to the aggressive language, stop to the fear of doing something that he doesn't agree with. I'm not worthless, I deserve respect, I have to love myself.
Shame that all these years I knew the problem but I didn't ended sooner. I'm looking forward to my new ME 😊
Dr.Ramani,
You are my angel, I recently lost my Father after 2 years of caring for him, I am now caring for my mother. I have found myself in a 2 year relationship that has been fraught with pain and emotional abuse. It was not until I found your videos that I have finally understand how I have lost myself and why I was excepting his behavior towards me, my mother, and my Fathers memory. I have finally left and am trying to heal. I am a shell of the woman I was but you are helping me to just even want to move forward.
The more I got away from my narcissistic mother, I found that her narrative no longer ran through my head and instead it was my voice telling her my truth. As much as this has filled me with determination and gotten me past that grief, that internal voice that I used to break free has become a problem of its own. I feel that when most people meet me, they find me very amiable, but I've become sensitive to criticism and negativity directed at me and I've been known to get paranoid and lash out even when it's unwarranted. The trauma never fully goes away unfortunately.
You learn to be a lot more careful with your life and to take care of you. ❤
Dr R nailed it again. I did not know if i was a good or bad person. Like i was floating in a helpless freefall. My 2 daughters are flying monkees so this has gone on since divorce. finally went no contact with one daughter. I deserve to be happy and not treated like crap.
I'm wondering what to do. I'm facing the reality that one of my sons have been daddys spy. . Ive had clues. But didnt want to believe it! Now I'm wondering if I have to face it! I love my children!
no one wants to voluntarily walk away from their family, it's a lifelong grief process, and when they pass, you feel like they went no contact on you
I’m a guy who was married to a guy. I was the older guy. I was the guy with an income. I was the guy with much more life experience. I also always assumed he and I were “in it together” and “there for each other.” So I did not routinely ask for permission. I expressed needs left and right! And barely any of them got met. Because apparently I was married to a narcissist. It took me years to realize this and to understand this. It took having my soul hollowed out over the course of 20 years. But I finally was granted the courage to change my marital status. Now we’re divorced. And I am finding it just as hard to recover my identity, my sense of self l, as Dr. Ramani is saying it is in this video.
Narcs are like that mthrfkr who turns the bathroom light off when you're still in the bathroom. I hate that mthrfkr.
I understand. Life is still worth living. It’s very hard to see them clearly. And hard to describe to people who haven’t experienced it. You are worthy of love. Telling myself the same thing.
This video should be mandatory in all schools. It literally teaches the communication skills no one ever taught any of us when we needed them most, as kids.
Your videos have been a huge contributing factor to my healing from Narcissistic abuse ever since I was a child & then with a grandiose malignant narcissist
I learned that I was an actual introvert instead of my pre - existing extrovert personality
I came to realise that I urgently needed a trauma focused therapist from listening to your videos
I am healing slowly but surely
No contact with nex & low contact with narcissistic Mother
I am so very grateful to you for assisting me to turn my life around & reclaim my own authentic identity & being myself in my mid sixties
Thank you Dr.Ramini
Wow this is me in every situation & it’s exhausting! I’ve never had anyone address this or even know what I was doing I just know I lack confidence & never know how to ask for what I want without feeling guilt or anxiety when I have needs. So I kill myself trying to do it all on my own so I don’t have to “ask permission” to do things I need to do & by asking “permission” it gives others the power to make the rules! Wow really powerful, eye opening subject you addressed today. But I’ve always been this way which is what led me to a horrible narcissistic marriage. But that relationship has been what has given me the fight to be my best authentic self & refuse to allow this world to destroy me. You were a big part of me learning how to do that when I first started researching narcissists & understand what I was dealing with & what I also grew up with. I give a big thank you to you for helping me make a huge about face & people are absolutely amazed that I have finally begun to come out shining from this very long dark tunnel I’ve been trapped in. I’ve worked very hard & still lots of growing but that never ends. This was another huge self growth video & something I’m actively working on. I’m people pleased to death & it’s time to take charge of my life & with confidence. Thank you for everything you do. You really do change peoples lives ❤
It did change me! It made me realise for the first time in my life to put myself first. To put end fort into my life instead of deadens relationships. I grew up to be a doormat and highly empathic and told that I have to fight harder for love and that love was meant to be painful.
Not anymore! I went to EMDR and know my eyes are open! When it comes to life I’m going for blood. I’m so behind in life after years of sacrificing my life for people that only ended up hurting me and causing me trauma. At 31, I’m going back to university and got a job in the field already. I still desire to get married and have kids which is why my attention and love shifted from this manipulationship to my future and my life. Doing what I want and not allowing anyone to control me ever again!
“Sister sunshine”….so great 👍 & that’s how everyone expects you to be……& that….is abuse….
Growing up..... my dad used to randomly say to me, put of control again..... I used to stop and just be so confused, what was I doing wrong?
thank you for this video
I was usually laughing and being my true happy, jovial self when he would choose to drop it.
I remember being so stunned "what had I done wrong"
I would feel so so sad and confused
now , I am in a marriage that is the same
I am praying for strength to leave
thanks again Dr Ramani
Nobody willingly wants to walk thru fire (to get out).
However, it is the only way out.
Best of luck, you can do it, and it’s worth it!!! 💙
I am totally shut down , no longer care about anything, am beyond angry and bitter, trapped, and waiting for myself or my narcissistic mother, the first but not the last narcissistic abuser, to die. Dont care which of us goes first, but its the only way out and I look forward to it. I will never be again who I was before they finally wore me down and silenced me. I no longer know who I am , I am an empty shell of the person I used to be. I can never be who I was.
I hope you’re doing better, this sounds a lot like my situation and how I feel. It is really hard and I hope I can eventually get back to feeling even 5% better than I do today. That would be a win for me. I feel like I’m stuck and lost.
After having a narcissistic mother, I was in several relationships with narcissistic men & friendships. I started not to trust my “picker”. I stopped dating & I’m working on myself to get healthy before I get into another relationship. I’m working on setting boundaries & not taking responsibility for others dysfunction. I cut out any people who are toxic or show narcissistic traits. I’ve learned I’m responsible to self protect, rebuild my self love & not give my power away to anyone. I’m teaching people how to treat me.
What you explain in your videos are always 100% relatable. If only there was a button that was pressed when our experience matched your findings, so we just snapped out of the effects and went back to normal.
You quoted exactly what I said: I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.
I was and still have issues being around particularly men. And making new friends is hard because of betrayal. I left my family, they do all they can to misunderstand me and use me as a mule. I feel uncomfortable and still on guard with people after years of being out of that environment. I do want to have a loving relationship but due to my experience with family, friends and a long relationship with people who at least have narcissistic traits, I have little hope I’m able to trust people again. I know there are good people out there. I love people. But I really don’t like the way this world is becoming a barrel of malicious crabs trying to go for each others throat every given opportunity. Worked hard on myself and it gets better. Especially to accept things as they are and vet the good people from the people who live the way I don’t want to live. Which is exhausting by itself, no room for spontaneity. Nevertheless I often have to do three steps back to not get disappointed. This path is not for the weak.
There is only one person in a relationship with a narcissist - the narcissist. You are nothing but a service provider, emotional punching bag, occasional source of sexual pleasure, social disguise to make them look normal and vague shadow in the background of their life. You have to reconnect to yourself as well as reality, truth, love and even God due to all the lies and the evil you have been exposed to. Took me two years with the help of videos like this, Quora and a hundred books.
I had to reinvent myself at 46, after years of narc abuse and raised from a narc mother. I always felt I could not fit. With my last 5y relationship with my narc ex I totally lost myself. Till one day I discovered dr Ramani. A whole new world was opened in front of me and all the answers to my anxiety,gaslighting, gosting,silent treatment. My wounds will be the base rock to build a new healthy self.
I'm thankfull.❤ 🙏
It's hard to realize it's not something intellect can protect from.
My best friend was a scientist. We were even roommates for over a decade.
After her boyfriend died, a guy we've known socially swooped in on her. Over just a few months I watched him at work. So obvious. But she separated from people and even relied on him for decision making.
He also took great effort to pry our friendship apart. My friend who was like a sister was gone to me. And still is.
I feel like she died and been grieving fir years like she died.
Dear me! This hit every button! I can’t believe how you hit EVERY thought and emotion I have experienced! It’s like your in my head! I have learned sooooo much from your videos but this one hit hard! THANK YOU! I have so much to learn after a 25 year marriage , 28 year relationship with a Narcissist! You describe it like you were there! Then you explain how it’s gonna be ok AND that it’s ok to deprogram from the abuse we didn’t know was happening! It’s hard fighting the crazy created in my head. I want to be healthy, I want to be me! I just don’t know how to get there with all the fog. Your messages genuinely help! THANK YOU! I wish there was a way I could have a few sessions with you! Um seriously how can I?.. Your amazing! You send genuine hope and direction to creating a life of deserved fulfillment! Again THANK YOU!!!
"Am I expressing a need, or am I asking permission?" Another aha! moment brought to you by Dr Ramani. 👍
Psychological servitude! You are so right about that. Thankfully for all of us out there you know your needs and are being you, you call it out and are a wonderful example to us all.
When I was happy and laughing the N would make it a point to change the mood to gloom. I always thought Gloom Doom See You Soon. I hope everyone that's been treated that way will smile, laugh and be happy if you feel like it.❤ You deserve it 💓.
Wow! This is so true. Ive been asking for permission for years. I will work on this skill. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.
I think I am in a narcissistic relationship. I feel like I'm becoming a shell of who I once was. Everything I do is criticised, saying the wrong thing, standing in the wrong place. I get called names in every argument and an argument can happen because I had the audacity to ask my partner to hurry up when we are running late, or if I try to tell him how he made me feel when he's done something wrong.
I'm 39 weeks pregnant and have a 1.5yr old. He went to go meet a male friend to go ocean swimming. We got in an argument and he stayed out all night and didn't come home until 9am. I was so upset because he was drinking so close to my due date and he had the car with the hospital bags. He wouldn't let me discuss it, I'm not allowed to ask any questions. I knew he was hiding something so I looked through his phone (I know I shouldn't have but I did) it turned out he wasn't at his male friends house but a female friends house, and there were messages of the 2 of them laughing at me and calling me the dragon, it turned out he'd done this before, gone to hers when he was meant to be elsewhere. I confronted him and he laughed. Called me crazy (as always) told me I shouldn't be looking through his phone.
The next morning I made him breakfast and brought up the fact that going to his female friends house, drinking and not coming home when we've had an argument isn't appropriate behaviour he just lost it. Told me if I bring it up again it won't end well for me.
I don't know what to do, this is only 1 small thing amongst many many incidents. Any time he does anything wrong, I'm not allowed to talk about it, I don't get an apology, if anything I just get more abuse.
I genuinely have never felt so trapped and sad. Our son adores him so I just keep putting my feelings to the side to try and keep us together for my kids sake. I feel like as though I'm losing my mind. I once told him I thought he was a narcissist, he got so angry. since then he tells me all the time that it's me who's the narcissist, that it's me who's abusive. I know this isn't true, I read back through old texts and I know that no sane person would side with him. What do I do?
Yes, so many of us,by our tone, not only ask for something, but ask for reassurance in the asking . . . As Dr. Ramani states, such asking manifests the “power gap”.
I need 2 years of counseling. It's not more because I'm broke.
And I refuse to be broke so I'm gonna get the help I need. Thank you for. The knowledge thank you❤
I got my start in life this way, the cringy, fawning, begging behavior. Traumatic friendships and relationships followed. Finally, FINALLY getting to work on deprogramming myself. Thanks to folks like Dr Ramani, Patrick Teahan.... books, etc. And my first love: music 🎵🎶 Wish you all very happy healing. 🙂🖐️❤️🌹
My mother was a narcissist, without realizing it I married a narcissist. After 23 years of marriage and abuse I divorced him. I felt like I grew up at 40 after 10 years of counseling I’ve remarried to a wonderful man. I lost my mother three years ago and between that and the divorce I finally felt free and felt like I could start healing. Now at age 50, my new husband’s estranged son has come into our lives and now I’m faced with it all over again and boy are all my triggers hit.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your explanations on this!
I really get upset by people who constantly talk about a narcissistic relationship like it's only romantic. Most of the time it's a parent and no child chooses that. We were fucked from the beginning.
For me naivety is Gone, I am Extremely Cautious with Trust, hyper vigilant to the extreme , in Some cases. Social status and other's opinions be Damned, it is now Safety First for Self and Loved Ones !
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. You are an absolute blessing to us all. I AM eternally grateful for your continuous role in healing so many of us.
My mom was a narc, and I never knew all the damage she'd done until a therapist recommended Dr. Ramani. She has been so helpful! You have to find out what's broken before you can fix it. Hurts like crazy to see the blank space they made you into!! 100% the giving up all of yourself, those words made me cry realizing it was true and most of my life has been just "making it". I want to go back to enjoying, relishing, being an active participant in my life and finding out what brings me joy!!! Joyous wishes to all hurting out there!! You are wonderful and deserve joy!! ❤
My wife cheated on me and got pregnant. She burned 17 years we were together. I’m putting puzzle pieces together she definitely exhibits certain traces of behavior. In particular triangulation and lies were always there.
I’m sorry to hear this. Make sure you look after yourself and surround yourself with strong, loving friends and family.
Her loss!
Sorry you had to deal with that type of person and pain. My relationship with a narcissist only lasted months but it made me realize I attracted those type of women myself. The people pleaser and helper. Made me take a step back and just like you started realizing the triangulation my ex tried to pull. Messed up people. Smh
I don't feel like I lost my personality, but I do feel damaged. I have self isolated, I don't want to be around people any more. You know when you have the 1000 yard stare, you find yourself looking at the wall across the room, and you really aren't looking at anything. Your mind is mostly blank, except for the one thought that still bothers your mind. You see the world as a different place now. You don't know who to trust, and you don't have the energy or desire to try to find out.
I can relate so well to your statement that "context matters" now that I'm retired in a 55+ community. I'm ready to leave it bc I'm so different now that I've made progress finding myself after growing up in a narc family system. I need to find my healthy "tribe" elsewhere!