I had a deep connection with a self-professed disorganized attachment style individual. He is a lovely person, but sabotaged our growing connection by ending things abruptly and without explanation when things became more emotionally intimate.
I just realized I’m a fearful avoidant who’s primarily fearful. I didn’t realize I had avoidant tendencies as well, I thought I was just anxious. Then I realized that the more people treat me well and seem to genuinely like me the more I feel the need to run, I don’t discard people and I try to be polite and respectful but it’s this driving force that causes me to want to run. Currently working on my self esteem and changing my beliefs from being unlovable and not enough to being lovable and enough.
This is a very deep, revealing explanation. As an FA/Disorganized, and older now... even though I have become *more* secure (and realize that trauma may never completely go away), I now fear the literal brain damage and the risk of dementia/ Alzheimers... Like, because my brain isn't working quite as hard all the time for dangers, it quite literally feels more "riddled with holes" and all the stuff I want to retain falls out (spelling, names, places, events). I'm not clinical at all yet, but I can feel the precipice. All because I feel I waited too long to heal, in all honesty. (Of course I will work to offset it, but it feels like a direct consequence of that damaging stuff the brain had to navigate for so long.)
Thank you for sharing a personal experience. These can be difficult topics to face. With respect to brain health, anything you can do that activates your body creatively and learning a new skill will Stave off memory loss and increase cognition. So learning to dance or play an instrument is extremely helpful and preventative with memory loss or cognitive function. It literally keeps your brain young.
How did you pack all this into 4 minutes? Bravo. I am a woman with disorganized attachment style. Nothing was consistent and I genuinely struggle with my own consistency. I met someone a month ago I thought was the "one" - new for me to begin with. As soon as he expressed wanting more of a connection my body and my mind just dropped him. I feel the heebie jeebies. Now....I actually don't think I was seeing clearly to begin with. But, alas. I check off the boxes of this attachment style big time. For those who are curious - I was raised in a reglious cult, was ex communicated by my family, lost my best friend before 7 years old who was my only safe place and I happen to love in a world that profits from my disease, not my recovery.
This is a great explanation! It sounds exactly like my Fa/disorganized partner. (He took the test! 😍) We’re on our second try at the relationship. His mother died of Alzheimer’s and he’s very fearful that his memory issues are a precursor to dementia. I plan to share this video with him at the right moment. I did my trauma work. Now I’m hopeful we can both heal the amazingly compatible relationship we share. Thank you for your work!
This is a refreshing and intriguing take on this. So many DA people have legitimate trust issues that lead them to "read between the lines" for information about safety. It is amazing when people can be honest and transparent so we don't get stuck in "survival" mode. I usually will say when I get triggered but I also don't want someone to apologize as if they caused that and I don't want them to tip-toe around my feelings to their detriment. When it's more of an observation of our own feelings it seems to ease both people and conversation can finally be productive and healthy. IMO.
Thank you 🙏🏻 when I was in previous relationship with a partner and doing my work, I started explaining that I would feel the need to protect myself in certain ways because of the “threats” of closeness or distance and it helped me take the pause I needed so that I didn’t behave in the self protective behavior that could be harmful to my partner.
I feel validated because I was diagnosed as borderline in my 20s I got a second opinion in my 30s was told I have autism instead. I feel this makes a lot of sense to me.
They want: Consistancy Transparancy Loyalty Safety Deep connection What you get from them: A rollercoaster ride Secrecy Cheating behaviour Headaches and stress Ghosting and stonewalling
How interesting... So the problem is not so much hot AND cold as much as it is hot OR cold depending on the circumstance. In essence, there's nothing definitive in this attachment style. Well this explains a LOT about my FA's behavior....🤔🤔🤔
It can be circumstantial. But you can have hot and cold at the same time. You can feel beckoned, while at the same time pushed away. And that is because closeness and distance, both feel threatening in different ways, and that’s because in childhood the sources of comfort were also the sources of threat. Glad it was helpful ❤️
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment so what would be the main points of differentiation between an avoidant vs disorganized? Because an avoidant wants intimacy, is capable of intimacy/vulnerability, but then after too much of it, the fear of engulfment kicks in, so they distance. How is that different than disorganized?
@@SNTanon The presence of dissociation. I would go back and watch the timestamp on this topic, because it is a deeper physiological response to threat, and I outline the differences. The timestamp is in the caption. You can also watch this video: ua-cam.com/users/livevm1FfJ_Jhjk I also invite you to check out my attachment 101 courses which will go into this in depth. brianamacwilliam.com/attachment-styles-online-courses/
Taken so many evaluations for attachment and they all keep coming up disorganized. Im currently in a relationship but feel utterly exhausted with trying to find peace in it. Im happy when we are together but give me 4 days apart and I want to end it due to feeling he does not actually care about me. Been doing this for 2 yrs now. Not sure Im really even meant to be with anyone...
I've hurt people and have been hurt - and I feel like I live in a perpetual state of fear of hurting people and of being hurt - all while just wanting to be closer.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment tysm. I’m very sad for him. However I do believe he is FA with strong DA lean. Does that change anything? IMO he was originally DA (childhood neglect?) then turned FA due to marital infidelity. I mean if that doesn’t strike at the core of ‘manhood’ and feelings of betrayal idk what does. Does that make sense pls?
I watched this. I do chakra meditation. I believe that while my throat chakra is open and unblocked it is not in alignment. II also believe I need throat/sacral coherence or alignment. But I can’t find the resources or guided meditations to accomplish this
I had a deep connection with a self-professed disorganized attachment style individual. He is a lovely person, but sabotaged our growing connection by ending things abruptly and without explanation when things became more emotionally intimate.
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending you big hugs. ❤️
Did you reach out after some time had passed? Or did he reach out at all?
This is the most accurate explanation I ever heard about the disorganized attachment style
I just realized I’m a fearful avoidant who’s primarily fearful. I didn’t realize I had avoidant tendencies as well, I thought I was just anxious. Then I realized that the more people treat me well and seem to genuinely like me the more I feel the need to run, I don’t discard people and I try to be polite and respectful but it’s this driving force that causes me to want to run.
Currently working on my self esteem and changing my beliefs from being unlovable and not enough to being lovable and enough.
This is a very deep, revealing explanation. As an FA/Disorganized, and older now... even though I have become *more* secure (and realize that trauma may never completely go away), I now fear the literal brain damage and the risk of dementia/ Alzheimers...
Like, because my brain isn't working quite as hard all the time for dangers, it quite literally feels more "riddled with holes" and all the stuff I want to retain falls out (spelling, names, places, events). I'm not clinical at all yet, but I can feel the precipice.
All because I feel I waited too long to heal, in all honesty. (Of course I will work to offset it, but it feels like a direct consequence of that damaging stuff the brain had to navigate for so long.)
Thank you for sharing a personal experience. These can be difficult topics to face. With respect to brain health, anything you can do that activates your body creatively and learning a new skill will Stave off memory loss and increase cognition. So learning to dance or play an instrument is extremely helpful and preventative with memory loss or cognitive function. It literally keeps your brain young.
You should try lions mane mushrooms, they're great for cognition, brain repair etc. Good luck
How did you pack all this into 4 minutes? Bravo. I am a woman with disorganized attachment style. Nothing was consistent and I genuinely struggle with my own consistency. I met someone a month ago I thought was the "one" - new for me to begin with. As soon as he expressed wanting more of a connection my body and my mind just dropped him. I feel the heebie jeebies. Now....I actually don't think I was seeing clearly to begin with. But, alas. I check off the boxes of this attachment style big time.
For those who are curious - I was raised in a reglious cult, was ex communicated by my family, lost my best friend before 7 years old who was my only safe place and I happen to love in a world that profits from my disease, not my recovery.
This is a great explanation! It sounds exactly like my Fa/disorganized partner. (He took the test! 😍)
We’re on our second try at the relationship. His mother died of Alzheimer’s and he’s very fearful that his memory issues are a precursor to dementia.
I plan to share this video with him at the right moment. I did my trauma work. Now I’m hopeful we can both heal the amazingly compatible relationship we share.
Thank you for your work!
I’m glad you like this video. And bravo for the work that you have done. Sending you well wishes on the journey.❤
This is a refreshing and intriguing take on this. So many DA people have legitimate trust issues that lead them to "read between the lines" for information about safety. It is amazing when people can be honest and transparent so we don't get stuck in "survival" mode. I usually will say when I get triggered but I also don't want someone to apologize as if they caused that and I don't want them to tip-toe around my feelings to their detriment. When it's more of an observation of our own feelings it seems to ease both people and conversation can finally be productive and healthy. IMO.
Thank you 🙏🏻 when I was in previous relationship with a partner and doing my work, I started explaining that I would feel the need to protect myself in certain ways because of the “threats” of closeness or distance and it helped me take the pause I needed so that I didn’t behave in the self protective behavior that could be harmful to my partner.
I love connection and intimacy so so much. But I fear disinterest and coldness even more...
This eternal ambivalence that hurts
This actually helped me understand why a previous partner did me the way they did.
Thanks.
I feel validated because I was diagnosed as borderline in my 20s I got a second opinion in my 30s was told I have autism instead. I feel this makes a lot of sense to me.
omg same!!!!!!!
They want:
Consistancy
Transparancy
Loyalty
Safety
Deep connection
What you get from them:
A rollercoaster ride
Secrecy
Cheating behaviour
Headaches and stress
Ghosting and stonewalling
Excellent, Excellent explanation!! Thank you so much! ❤
Glad it was helpful!
so well described and explained, this was a great video!
Glad you liked it!
How interesting... So the problem is not so much hot AND cold as much as it is hot OR cold depending on the circumstance. In essence, there's nothing definitive in this attachment style. Well this explains a LOT about my FA's behavior....🤔🤔🤔
It can be circumstantial. But you can have hot and cold at the same time. You can feel beckoned, while at the same time pushed away. And that is because closeness and distance, both feel threatening in different ways, and that’s because in childhood the sources of comfort were also the sources of threat. Glad it was helpful ❤️
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment so what would be the main points of differentiation between an avoidant vs disorganized? Because an avoidant wants intimacy, is capable of intimacy/vulnerability, but then after too much of it, the fear of engulfment kicks in, so they distance. How is that different than disorganized?
@@SNTanon The presence of dissociation. I would go back and watch the timestamp on this topic, because it is a deeper physiological response to threat, and I outline the differences. The timestamp is in the caption.
You can also watch this video: ua-cam.com/users/livevm1FfJ_Jhjk I also invite you to check out my attachment 101 courses which will go into this in depth. brianamacwilliam.com/attachment-styles-online-courses/
Taken so many evaluations for attachment and they all keep coming up disorganized. Im currently in a relationship but feel utterly exhausted with trying to find peace in it. Im happy when we are together but give me 4 days apart and I want to end it due to feeling he does not actually care about me. Been doing this for 2 yrs now. Not sure Im really even meant to be with anyone...
Is it not possible to move in together at this point in time?
I hurt someone i really care about because of this... I feel so bad...
I've hurt people and have been hurt - and I feel like I live in a perpetual state of fear of hurting people and of being hurt - all while just wanting to be closer.
@LastEarBender It's a complex feeling. I wrestle with it too. I hope we both heal our hearts and relationships.
Is this something I should tell my close friends about or just work on quietly with them? I see how I am very on and off with my close friends.
So the encoding, the library, the bomb shelter etc do not apply only to romantic relationship threats, but also to the day-to-day life of an FA?
Yes that’s correct.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment tysm. I’m very sad for him. However I do believe he is FA with strong DA lean. Does that change anything? IMO he was originally DA (childhood neglect?) then turned FA due to marital infidelity. I mean if that doesn’t strike at the core of ‘manhood’ and feelings of betrayal idk what does. Does that make sense pls?
very helpful thank you. do people with disorganised attachment styles have difficulty mixing friends or friend groups with each other?
They can, it depends on how well they compartmentalize.
I watched this. I do chakra meditation. I believe that while my throat chakra is open and unblocked it is not in alignment. II also believe I need throat/sacral coherence or alignment. But I can’t find the resources or guided meditations to accomplish this
Thanks for watching and commenting. This is a free training tool on these topics:
onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/soul-attachments-101-opt-in
THISSSSS🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
It didn't, I still have crippeling depression.
Wauw, what so alcohol abuse makes this even worse?
It will be better instead of putting so much time and energy in explaining it that you teach how to heal from it .... Disappointed
She has several videos doing just that :-)
This is me 🥹 thank you ❤