Wow..."the end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." I'm a therapist and that blew my mind.
Sounds logical and basic, how did I over look the work it would take to change for 30 years. Kind of knew this but nothing ever changed bc of the lack of knowledge the work was essential. Thank you so much for this - I believe it will change people’s lives for sure if they dedicate the time into making the honest changes ❤😊
"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭 I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰 I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖
@@patriot-hj5vx it’s like being a social chameleon- depending who’s around, how they’re feeling, what they like, the overall vibe, etc- you morph into a version of yourself that is “acceptable” to that person or people around. While there could be aspects of an authentic self, there’s still a different mask that’s put on that ensures that there’s some degree of social harmony, however, you end up hiding and concealing parts of the self that actually create intimate connection, because it’s the vulnerability that forms depth in a relationship. So the chameleon may work to please people, but it results in superficial relationships and a deep unfulfilled desire to be known and belong as our true self.
“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter- they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” ― Sylvia Plath
Hmmm, really interesting. I feel like I have huge issues in both directions of this spectrum, because I tend to come off as BOTH intellectual/analytical/hyper-independent AND overly giving/selfless/doormat-ish in my daily life. The thought of coming off as either needy OR selfish makes me break out in hives. I'm sure I must not be the only fearful avoidant who experiences this sort of paradoxical identity simultaneously.
I think in my relationship (romantic) I come off more avoidant but in my head I am incredibly anxious. In confrontation I feel like both sides are battling eachother and in turn I become SILENT. My brain is doing a million things and nothing at the same time. It takes me forever to create and say a thought and I always end up getting emotional, something i really hate. In friendships, I am very avoidant and emotionally detached. I care and want to be there for them but never give them the opportunity to do the same for me. In turn I dont have the deep connections with my friends that I desire and have very very few friends. This has been a lifelong struggle and i have always felt like a walking contradiction and recently it has really taken a toll on my self image and mental health. Thank you thank you THANK YOU for breaking this down for me and giving me hope that I can break this cycle for myself
I love that I finally understand myself after 61 years. I have not figured out what to do with the information. When she says "you need to learn how to...." is like saying 'and then, a miracle occurs'
Heidi, I hope you're reading this. I've spent two decades wondering what was wrong with me. I've already spent years learning all about self help and meditation, etc. But it was your channel which finally gave me my answers. Within only about 4 months now I've managed to finally open up to people and proudly present myself as the helpless, vulnerable mess that I am. And not a single person of the 1-2 dozen people I talked to did not show support and understanding. You've finally made me able to see the world as a kind place. I even managed to make up with my family and get an understanding from them that I never thought was possible. Thank you so much for everything
That is so true. Learning about Attachment Style Theory taught me so much about my insecure attachment. I told the woman I had loved secretly for 5 years about my feelings for her, looked her in the eye and said the most beautiful/ dreadful three words. Can't forget the sound of her breathing when I said that, as if I had emptied a bucket of cold water on her head. I felt so light. In our previous meeting I had told her how I felt it hard to breathe in her absence. I told her that I was insecure. It was like a huge, long white snake-like monster that had lived in me all my life, I pushed it out in one moment. That was last year. The woman is fearful avoidant so it is all on and off but I have no regrets. I have done my best without making use of "the game". Such a beautiful thing happened and with the right person it could have been so amazing.
I’m so happy that you were able to see yourself more clearly. And I promise you, you’re not a mess! I also found that learning about attachment styles last year had a similar effect on me. I was using a fearful avoidant coping mechanism and understanding that was earth shattering in the best possible way. While I wish I had discovered it before I was 53. I’m glad I figured it out at all because my life is getting better by the day. And now I understand why relationships were so confusing to me!
Wow. You have just described every relationship I’ve ever had. Especially thinking others aren’t right for me because they’ve triggered certain parts of me I don’t see as ‘me’.
I read this line from somewhere and I think it perfectly sums up the dichotomoy of my experience as an avoidant-leaning FA. Something along the lines of "One of our greatest fears, but is also our deepest desire, is to be seen and known for who we truly are"
I don’t even know. I feel anxious, but act avoidant. It’s so hard to take the mask off. The anxiety while being in a relationship is always growing til it bursts into major drama and extreme pain. Speaking openly about emotions feels so frightening, but I’m trying. Thanks for your content! It helps a lot 🫶
This is exactly how I feel !!! I’m extremely anxious but you would never be able to tell. It comes off as an extreme avoidant. Is that what being disorganized means?
me 100%. externally i will come off avoidant but on the inside, i feel like a full flown true anxious attacher. when i sense a pull back, ill come closer just 1 more time, then once i sense rejection i am gone- but internally all i want to do is reach out as much as someone anxiously will.
@@Sariimura whats the difference between disorganised and fear-avoidant. seems to me they both seek closeness but act aloof as a way of self-protection?
@@_ZiXin_ Good question! I am no expert, but I believe those two concepts to be referring to the same attachment style (one in reference to childhood, the latter to adulthood). I might be wrong, but my understanding is that the term Disorganized Attachment is often used for children and in adulthood it can lead to the adult having Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. From the literature we can extract that people with this kind of insecure attachment display contradictory behaviors and tend to feel they don't deserve love or closeness in a relationship. On a side note, this is different from Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment style.
Holy shit. I’m realizing I lean avoidant, but am triggered into that heightened state when in a relationship. I never understood the drastic flip in my behavior when I got into a relationship. I stayed single because I hated the way I was when I would date. I was “never myself”
well this actually cleared up which way I lean. I did the exact same for most of my young adulthood. I hated how needy I was and I hated how preoccupied I became about crushes. My instinct was to be mean and push them away. And honestly, the partner I chose is one where I am the one managing his emotions and suppressing my own (and of course, resenting him for it). When I get triggered, I feel neglected and like I will never be able to truly connect with him, but then that makes me want to run away again.
As I’m watching, and taking notes. I’m realizing this is the plot to “Inside out” don’t suppress emotions. All emotions need to have the spotlight shined on them when necessary.
I am so shocked at how detailed you are about the thought process. This entire time I thought I was anxious but it did not sit well with me because I can be cold and avoidant at times too. It's like you said... the moment my anxious side gets triggered, I am hyper aware of how embarrassing it is and how it makes me feel, that I am losing myself. I also avoid confrontation because I feel personally attacked and I will shut down and avoid you for weeks yet I desperately want to talk. I feel trapped in my mind because I am super aware of myself and don't want to come off being toxic. It's like I want to talk about feelings and emotions but I also don't want to talk about feelings and emotions. What is wrong with me?😭 Also, i have a tendency of asking my partner if I'm being too needy or clingy, just to check if I'm still good. Gotta supress that lil psycho😂
I completely understand and relate to you. I am the same Im afriad of relying on people too much with talking about my feelings ir problems so i just usually dont. but everything I took from this video is its all steps, being a little vulnerable or emotional and open to people you trust everyday will go such a long day and your emotions and that clingyness wont be like all or nothing just more consistent ig and healthy, i hoped this helped. i just related to what you said and wanted to say what things I realized about myself and steps I am now taking, regardless I wish you luck on your journey to understanding yourself better 🫶🤍
Wow... I have never had anyone explain my style so clearly to me. This is why I have largely avoided relationships for the past twenty years. As inevitably the "monster" in me would come up (i.e. my needy side) and it would destroy the relationship and my self worth. Thank you Heidi.
This is so me to a tee. I pride myself on being super rational outside of relationships and a huge fear of people seeing me as unstable. The moment I get into a romantic relationships I become super anxious and reactive and go into a shame spiral of there is something wrong with me. It is super dysregulating and confusing. I always thought of myself as more anxious but after hearing this video I realize I am actually more avoidant in life but my anxious side becomes activated in relationships. So insightful thank you❤❤
This sounds a lot like me: after the honeymoon phase fades, I start considering myself "Not Enough" for my partner and start my own shame spiral. So I become avoidant for fear of becoming too clingy or needing support (being a guy, I have it on my head - valid or not - that women don't want to be with a man who might need emotional support), and wind up creating too much distance. I mean, I know, ultimately, that I need my OWN approval. To ingrain in myself that I'm enough to MYSELF. But that kinda leads me down an avoidant path of counter-dependence, and I don't want that for myself or my partner. :/ And I think I've recently gained an avoidance to romantic relationships in general. I'm tired of my own cycles, yes. But I'm even more fearful of hurting people I love. :(
@@christianyaerger1751 i felt this SO SO much! Feels good to not feel alone and crazy. Letting our Egos go is gonna be HARD but breaking the cycle i think will be worth it
That’s so true; I went into this video thinking I leaned avoidant but now I see it’s the avoidance I take as the problematic part of me that comes out in relationships and that I naturally lead with the anxious part of me, tending to over-romanticize and get a little lost in my rose-tinted view of it all.
you called me out on feeling like i "lost myself." my anxious side coming out screaming was an utterly humiliating and defeating experience for me. since then, i feel like i'm a guilty dog sulking away with my tail between my legs, confused about who i am lol. "learning to be the same person everywhere you go" is such a solid goal. you made my current drama make so much sense to me in just 29 minutes. also, loved the rule about having five friends you have emotional connections with, it's a great idea.
Ugh so relatable. Outside of relationships, it appears I have all my stuff together. Very consistent in my activities, self care, good at my job. However, once I’m dating someone that I’m attached to, it’s like I become this hyper needy and embarrassing person, giving up everything I care about to completely focus on the other person. Really unhealthy mechanisms.
The term "Secure" attachment for me sound like they're perfect, they can do no harm. Knowing that securely attached people have imperfections makes me feel good about myself.
Just an fyi - I classify as secure and certainly have more imperfections than I'd care to admit. That said, it's more about how I live with myself and others on a day to day basis that defines my security I suppose. Sure, I've had periods of anxiousness, and needing to pull away - but these emotions are not so strong as to dictate my response. I'm just comfortable taking the space I need shamelessly. I hope everyone here gets to that point in their existence.
I have CPTSD/complex trauma and have been participating in parts therapy. The idea that after trauma we split into multiple parts to protect ourselves, they often have a dominant fight/flight/freeze response to being triggered and pop up to protect me. But I've recently learnt that each part can have it's own attachment style. So I can fully relate to both the intellectual being shameful of the emotional side and the emotional side being shamed of not always being the nicest person. This idea of multiple parts/splitting is present with other trauma based conditions such as DiD, BPD etc. Thought I'd share as there were a lot of comments of people saying they lent both ways, when actually they could also be fragmented/have multiple parts that all have their own attachment style ❤
Wow. I'd genuinely not clicked that suddenly having no feelings was an avoidant deactivation thing, I've always just assumed the relationship had run it's course. Really helpful video ❤
When you said you need at least 5 friends, you are close with. I was like, " I don't have any close friends. How do you get 5. " I think I have been avoidant most of my life. I'm close to my daughter and my husband. I can see as I am getting older , I don't have many memories at all of other people. It is something I regret.
Prior to TODAY, I always thought I was just anxious. I spent my entire 20s in three back-to-back long term relationships, so I spent pretty much a full decade in anxious mode - especially with my first and third partners, who were avoidant. I'm now 3 years single, and find myself saying things like: - what even is the point of a romantic relationship? They make no sense, and they only add chaos to my life. They're not worth the trouble. - I hate who I am when I'm in relationships, so it's best to stay single. - I can't date right now because [xyz arbitrary reason]. I also tend to respond to stressful things with avoidance in almost every other area of life. Stressful work email? I'll read it later. Big paper to write? Later. Big goals to achieve? Self-sabotage, give up, change my mind. Anything that could potentially make me feel like a failure or a bad person? Avoid, avoid, avoid. This video is making me rethink some things...! It's interesting because I actually pride myself much more on my emotional intelligence than my logic and intellect... I wouldn't even say I really identify with the "logical" label, although I'm now realizing that this may be because logic/analysis/intellect is so baked into my everyday experience that I don't even notice it. I always did well in school, especially with things like proofs and analytical essays. I will also say, I tend to live inside my head. I absolutely intellectualize my feelings, and have to remind myself to actually let myself FEEL them too. Perhaps I identify more with my emotional side now because, being in relationships for so long, I was FORCED to confront and tame that side of me. Lots of therapy. Just so much therapy. Lol
This will probably get lost in all the other comments but I just want to thank you for making this video. I've never felt so seen and had so many of my own personal patterns laid out so succinctly. So many lines jumped out at me and I found myself shaking my head at how specific and correct they were. Losing myself in relationships, the switch flipping and swinging from one extreme to the other, feeling shame about one side or the other, feeling that my partners might describe me differently than my friends...so many moments in here that touched me deeply. You've helped me understand the importance of intentionally maintaining both sides, logical and emotional, as a daily practice in order to have a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me, with openness and vulnerability, and without shame.
This is the clearest and most relatable explanation of a way I am that has caused me so much heartache over my entire adult life, something I could not for the life of me figure out. I had always found myself saying things like "I'm chaotic and hard to date because I can't predict how I go hot and cold, even when I've been in love..." and in recent years I've just avoided dating completely because it was exhausting feeling like a jekyll-and-hyde monster I'd never be able to stop being. Finding and binge-watching your Fearful-Avoidant videos got me a little giddy at the fact that I'm *finally* understanding what's going on with me when I try to get close to someone. It's going to be a lot of work but now I have at least a starting point for healing and growth. Thank you so much for these incredibly insightful videos.
This comes as a huge shock to me --- so SPOT ON. I felt I completely lost myself in my last relationship bc I was constantly leaning toward the anxious attachment style, which did not come out at all before. I was so confused while at the same time deeply ashamed of being needy and emotional to a level that I could not regulate myself. While after I started to learn about anxious attachment style and thought that was the whole me, it wasn't. I sometimes still feel uncomfortable with intimacy with someone I like and want to escape. It's like the constant two sides are running inside my body.
This is super eye opening- thank you. I realise that with my family, I adopt one identity which is more aloof. They perceive me as emotionless and closed off, because I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around them. With my friends, I am significantly more warm and open, perhaps even a little needy at times. I guess these are both 'me', but I struggle to integrate both parts and feel whole
I used to congratulate myself on being a chameleon. Took me to about 45 to realise, hang on, that's *not* a good thing. I'm 52 now. I have made a lot of progress in the last 5 years, it's easy for me to be a consistent version of myself no matter who I'm with now, although, other people can 'welcome' a side of you and you relax into it, but I feel it's always authentic now. I am so in awe of younger people who figure all of this stuff out in their 20s and 30s.
Yeah! I'm 44 and literally with this video, just realized this is my attachment style! I had no idea. I thought I had a secure, possibly anxious one. This video makes so much sense to me. It's embarrassing. I wish I knew 20 years ago.
You have to remember that folks who grow up since the internet, have a LOT more resources way younger. Also social media pressure driving insane insecurities. But. A lot more information about all this.
i'm 31 and i think i started my journey around 26 after hitting rock bottom. i do think internet access to resources helped me a lot. also, access to different therapy modalities that are body based. i remember when i was a preteen/teen in the early 2000s only having awareness and access to CBT, but by the time i was in my early 20s, therapists who did trauma and body based work were become more visible. since a lot of my coping is cognitive, i would get passed around a lot by CBT therapists and praised and told i was fine, but i knew i wasn't and i felt a lot of despair bc i didn't know if i would ever get help.
I also like to know how I can consistly be myself. Im in my 30es and on my selfhelp journey since more than a decade and I would say only the content from around 5 yrs seems be useful and helpful. Before it was kinda infected by new age and wishful thinking. Anyways.. would you like to share how you stopped being a chameleon?:)
I used to be so proudly stoic and repressed until I got in a serious car accident and everything was suddenly unleashed. Despite all the pain, it was good for me to finally have to face my dark side and learn to integrate both parts of myself. It was agonizing and crushing at times, but I am a more secure person because of it.
This video is worth 100 therapy sessions, you are spot on you’re shedding a light on blind spots that I never knew existed. Thanks Heidi, you’re helping me more than you think! X
for a long time i saw myself as a divided person. i seemed to go back and forth between being fearful/over-analytical and then at other times sad apathetic and lonely. i had to see that my fear was there because i was afraid of disappointing people, and the sadness was there because i wanted other people's love. i then realized that these were not actually two states because they both were trying to get the same thing, other people's love. after realizing that, i felt unified and calmer within myself. i saw that even though i have emotions like fear or sadness sometimes, this does not mean i am a divided person, it just means i am experiencing different emotions. the division was only a belief in my mind. before this i had been getting in touch with my sadness quite a bit as well and not running away from it, that may have played a part as well.
Wow! Quite the eye opener and well explained! I was in a relationship with what appeared to be a Fearful Avoidant, which eventually broke my heart and messed me up. What confused me the most was how she was so warm, emotional and crazy with me from the get go. I felt secure most of the time but whenever her avoidant, critical side appeared it triggered anxiety in me. When I was most disregulated and vulnerable she gave me the coldest shoulder ever and I couldn't believe it! 😢💔
You’re not alone @fedor! For me the hardest part was being so bewildered. It was painful to suddenly be treated like a stranger, but not understanding why was worse. This video really helped. Thank you Heidi! 💚
we might have dated the same person. She started out as anxious and then suddenly flipped to avoidant and it was suddenly all over and I was wondering what the hell just happened- she was so amazingly loving and all in and then was suddenly all out. It made my head spin completely off.
I’m doing better than I thought I was. I’ll always be my own biggest critic. The explosive emotions was my problem. Once triggered it was hard to get back to the logic. But the logic made it hard to be willing to attach. The logical and calculating side is my dominant side. After growing up with an abusive stepfather, after being abandoned by my own father at 2 weeks old, showing emotions was constantly negatively reinforced. The logic took over. So did the anxiety and abandonment issues I didn’t recognize until my 30s. I finally feel like I’m in a place where I’ve found some balance. I’ve been working on myself actively for 15 years. It’s hard work. It’s always going to be work. But one day you realize just how far you’ve come, and it’s ok to be proud as fuck about it. You start wearing it like armor and you realize you can actually just be honest and sympathetic and deeply emotionally intimate with someone. I still get set off sometimes, but getting back to center is infinitely easier now than it ever was. I wish I had understood myself so much earlier in life, but I’m grateful to the UA-cams for having this sort of thing. Made figuring my head space out possible without spending a fortune. That only works if you can be genuinely critical of yourself, and see your own faults in a given situation. It gets better, and the more you work at it, the easier it gets. Keep at it folks, if you’re here, you’re already fighting the fight to improve yourself. We’re all proud of you.
9:25, yep. I find that my fearful-avoidant patterns over time went unaddressed, so I formed an emotional regulation disorder. - I can only suppose this for other personality disorders, but as one who is healing from a diagnosed personality disorder, I benefit learning about attachment patterns and self love! With support and effort I feel less anxious about living life, as I apply the information and practice it, I'm able to slowly let go of the old ineffective patterns. Personally I've wanted healthy behaviors and wanted to be dependable for myself, I just didn't know how...This channel is super helpful!
Thank you!!!!!!!! The feeling that something is inherently wrong with expressing emotions has definitely been a huge barrier for me. You have given me the tools to feel comfortable with expressing that side of myself. Many thanks!
I'm finding that I was shamed for my feelings and inadequacies from my parents growing up. I was also told what to do, what mattered, and not given much of an opinion. So now I have little boundaries for friendships (I let them take full control) and do not share my feelings (out of shame). So my fearful-avoidant mixture is happening simultaneously at all times instead of swinging back and forth. I've gotten to have little direction and constantly needy for emotional support. This does not make for good friendship. Hoping to heal well. Thank you for sharing these lessons.
I thought I was anxious attachment, but the more I learn about fearful avoidant, I feel maybe I am both 🤯 I do both things. I lost love of my life because I couldn't actually communicate my needs or wants and emotionally erupted and let her go. 💔 Now regret...but, learning.
I am so heartbroken since two weeks ago and I started watching your videos one day after I found out that the „man of my dreams“ is in an relationship. I am so desperately hurt and feel so deceived but listening to you keeps my head up or even can get me sleep when i cannot phantasy about him anymore. I am very greatful for your magnificent videos with the smiley voice that gives me hope to become a happy person one day (also in a relationship)
I have never taken pride for being able to be cold or distant, I take pride in my ability to be lethal. Shaping my life in seconds and taking wildly intertwined and yet completely opposite paths at once... But how much longer can I hold that flag over my head Keep my weapons raised My eyes locked My body snaps in truly terrifying ways under the pressure only for my focus to not be changed whatsoever. When do I become tired.... When do I fail... And when I do can I get back up? This video has taught me much and your eyes are kind to damaged souls. Please remember your mortality and take time for even your most "simple" human needs. Thank you for your words.
This video blows my mind. It’s like you’re talking directly to me 1:1 😢 Fearful Avoidant / Anxious I never understood why I seemed to switch back-and-forth between the two personalities … like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I’ve felt psychologically broken for years…
Heidi! How can you see into my soul?! Yes, I am a guy with an emotional monster inside living all dammed up waiting to burst out and deluge whole villages! I’m definitely FA leaning DA. I’m comfortable sans emotions and feeling quietly superior to other mere mortals. But then I fell for a DA. The monster emerged overwhelming him with declarations of deep affection. He ran for the hills (twice), which reinforces that I’m part monster. He’s the only one who triggers that side of me because he’s the only person I’ve ever really fallen for probably because he’s the only guy I know who is more dismissive than I am. And now I hurt every day (and weep every fourth day!) and want to be a true DA because they (seemingly) don’t feel pain. I’ve often thought that a release valve is needed, but the practicalities of installing such a device have so far eluded me. Thanks for your unique and apt videos. I’ve watched others’ videos, but somehow yours always hit the proverbial nail on the head every time. Thanks for your help!
You write like an author of literature! This comment is so relatable, ESPECIALLY the declarations of love part. I cringe about it almost every day. Sigh. I’ve never fallen like that before. I didn’t even know that I could fall like that before. I just did too much, and I feel embarrassed. I still miss him, and my heart still hurts, but I’ve just detached from the entire situation. I can’t bear to deal with the feelings of loss and heartbreak. It’s too hard. Too painful. I was too stupid. Too immature. Too desperate. I definitely lost myself in him, and the imaginary future I created with him. I needed the break from fantasy, desperately, but it came at a cost. You live and you learn, I guess. I wish you the best.
My biggest concern is that i can't really stop romanticizing dysfunction. as stupid as it may sound but i often feel kinda "unique" being this way. it's almost like finding my identity in this chaos. Also it helps me being more creative. I only feel like creating art and appreciate art when i am struggling. but i can't deny the fact that this constant push-and-pull, paranoia, overthinking is hella draining. It requires a lot of bravery to let go of all of this.
I definitely feel more creative when I am feeling more balanced. When I am in activating mode I feel strongly like I WANT to create but the ideas just don't come and I get frustrated or whatever I do its not good enough in my mind. When I'm more balanced I can get into something easily and it's more about the process than the end result, but I'm often more accepting of and pleased with the end result when I feel more balanced.
For me it's the polar opposite. Dysfunctional relationships bring chaos to my life. It results in repressed pain, grief, then hopelessness and finally I'm back to depression. Unable to do anything, powerless, let alone anything creative. While I grow older I crave stability more and more and that kind of relationship mess is only less appealing to me. I'm quicker to call it off than I was ever before, I believe.
I feel the same way, I fear that healing will make me an evil, cold, uncaring person and I'll become like all the people who hurt me and I won't be able to relate to people like us, It scares me because I don't know if I can really believe people are trustworthy or are not trying to manipulate or put up a facade in this day and age.
As a clinician I love your channel, It's More about the drama triangle than other channels don't mention. And the fact that. We can be fearful avoidant but leaning secure. We really have the opposite side in us wether we want to see it or not.
So well explained. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I've made so much progress in 12-step pgms - CODA, ACA - practicing humility, facing my shame, being accountable to myself without judgment. It's not a religious org.
I have watched a lot of these types of videos because I currently have a girlfriend who is struggling with this. Your video is one of the best I've seen that gets the point across effectively and also makes them accountable. Hopefully, she will take some things on board and learn how to help herself.
Hi Heidi, the most memorable point to me is that my anxious side needs air. Of course it will come out screaming and act out in an embarassing way after suffocating for so long under my logic. Every video of yours is an eye opener. Thank you so much for your insights and sharing your journey. ❤
Once again, absolute GOLD Heidi! Thank you sooo much. I'd thought I was anxious for years and then I realised I was fearful avoidant leaning anxious.... But this video has made me see I actually lean avoidant and then get anxious once in relationship and try and repress that side... Instead of thinking amd believing I was very sensitive and overly emotional, I can now see I've actually been leaking this out, which is then misunderstood by those around me..! This has been so super helpful in helping me see how I need to integrate that side of me instead of neglecting it and self judging my emotional side. You've turned on its head how I see myself today! Thank you soo very much ❤🎉🙏
I literally choked on my coffee when it was said I lost myself in that. I can't tell you how many times I said that. And then when you talked about the box that needs to be open and left open about being emotional and vulnerable I started having shortness of breath over the thought of doing that. Just the thought! There's times I want to think I'm not a fearful avoidant that I might have made a mistake or something along those lines. And then I see a video one of your videos actually I can't deny it, it's like you're know my inside voice.
I never took attachment styles seriously, thought it to be some sort of zodiac-like typology, but what you say rings so true and has so much sense! It's so scary to be "switched" into a cold-rational persona from your usual loving self, especially if you're in love, and you're, in a sense, defined by love because that is what is most important thing about you - but suddenly you get switched to "cold mode" and you begin to fear that you deceive yourself... It is so scary that it's hard to be aware of it at all, instead pushing it to the backyard of the mind... It is calming to know that this is not "true face", but "other part" of a person...
As I'm working on my self-discovery journey, I've noticed this thing with anxiety. It's like I've been hitting the snooze button on it during stressful times or just dodging it altogether. Now, I catch myself saying, "I'm not sure about anxiety." Trying to switch things up, I've figured out that talking about it could actually bring some connection, ease those fears, and maybe even team up with my rational side. It's a bit of a puzzle I'm piecing together in my daily grind. It gets confusing and overwhelming at times, but hey, that's the journey.
Well just found out today I am a fearful avoidant so that’s fun😩. The positive is it explains a lot of my relationship patterns and knowledge is instrumental to change.
Woah, this was so mind opening for me 🤯 Especially the part about the other person bringing out a different side of me or "losing myself" in a relationship. I've literally said this before. Thank you so much.
I always believe myself to be anxious, but this video made me realize I might have been fearful-avoidant all along, actually swinging between the extremes. I’ve actually been more avoidant before, but became deeply anxious when started getting into relationships.
Wooow. That analysis on the being fearful of the other attatchment style goes deeep. That was again one of those, “damn i’ve improved my vocabulary” moments. As someone who is anxious fearful avoidant, im often afraid i become distant. Wonderful! Happy to learn this at 23
Thanks so much for this. I'm fearful to be seen and felt because a part of me thinks people will make use of my vulnerabilities. Just now a guy on a bus hit on me with a kind gaze. An attachment gaze. I looked away cos I know I am blushing. I'm in my mid 40s already and yet I still chicken out and turned away, looking disinterested, when actually I felt scared and embarrassed. The guy seems like a nice chap. But I convinced myself to not engage, possibly to save myself from further embarrassment. Your suggestion of making deeper emotional connection with 5 friends is a good one. I find myself not having even one emotionally deep friendship.
I'm just now realizing as I explore multiple of these videos, that because they specifically explore from a romantic-relationship place that I was missing acknowledging a point where I do the "I've lost myself" thing. Because I don't do it in romantic relationships, but I absolutely do it with masking at work. That's an eye opener. It also makes me consider how that's how I feel when I have to spend time with my family and it made me connect that I'm much more avoidant with my mom and much more anxious with my dad.
I love this video because as an FA, I have recently started looking at IFS and parts therapy as a way to learn how to integrate these fragmented parts of myself, this is a step further into healing. Especially because FAs struggle so much with activation and deactivation, emotions swinging from end to end. The goal here is to minimize this and be more centred and grounded. I also think that once you learn how integrate, that's when CBT comes into play, you can now question your own thought and feelings, you can also learn how to practice mindfulness and learn to observe yourself more in the moment because you're not getting overwhelmed by your own emotional reactivity.
I’m so glad I found your fearful-avoidant videos. Neither Anxious or Avoidant really resonates with me…but these do. And I’ve noticed that as a FA I often tend to attract or be attracted to other FA in a sorta tribe sense. I’m…also dealing with the more I heal, the more I have to accept my emotions ARE “stronger” than others because of my adhd, and my reactions while finally finally healing some of this ARE going to seem…bizarre to explosive to others because of my cptsd + adhd. And remember how I tend to kinda…cluster with other FA? (Which is also why I think the conventional “it’s from Extreme caregiver abuse/neglect” is dead wrong; mine developed from extreme bullying and scapegoating at school + church with parent ill equipped to really give support vs disgust and punishment to my emotions.) Well…pretty sure I’m in love with another FA. I’ve had to deal with the shame of that, especially since. Despite being FINE only being friends (and in a lot of ways that’s preferable for me; and really all I can ever “expect” as someone asexual anyway so I’ve just done so years ago, it is what it is). I swear them sensing my attraction to them + their attraction to me just…sets them off. They were the first person to see me disregulated AND accept me, anyway; and very quickly pick up on my emotional and physical hurt and either soothe or show compassion for it faster than anyone else I’ve ever known in-person; and they looked pleased when they could make me laugh so hard I could forget to feel shame about it. But…either that stupid attraction, or…maybe they do believe I’m really only trying to build the foundations for a secure friendship here. But one or either just. Has them osolating between a Fear of that kind of connection and a Fear I’ll leave. …and while I’ll keep fighting to try and make the environment we’re in safe. I just don’t have the stamina anymore to deal with wanting a Friendship vs Casual Aquaintanceship being treated like I’m “demanding too much” anymore. …if they really are attached to me…it’s their turn now. I just hope that doesn’t cause further damage but this dysfunction is harmful to me.
Heidi if it wasn't for you i would be stuck in the Conscious Incompetence stage of my healing journey, Thank you thank you thank you, im so ready to break these cycle so i can earn secure attachment for a long healthy secure relationship. please keep doing what you're doing i watch all your videos my virtual therapist
I feel like I’ve just been exposed! Damn. I had been mostly in the fearful avoidant state, masking my anger and distaste, trying my hardest to remain good and helpful, almost selfless, when in reality I was really needy. I was recently triggered and the parts of myself I kept hidden from others poked its head and I couldn’t stand it. Now I feel a bit anxious avoidant and closed off from a feeling of defeat. Trying to stay in balance is, for me, like learning to walk all over again.
Oof 😖. This explains quite a bit of what happened in my last relationship. It’s comforting to know that at least what I’ve been experiencing isn’t unique. Thank you - your videos have been helping me immensely. 🙏🏼
You’ve described what I’ve learned through YEARS of self reflection (the hard way) perfectly in 28 minutes 😂 as well as shined light on areas that I wasn’t previously aware of. Thank you for sharing this info for free!
I feel like I need to rewatch this a few times, I am just learning about my attachment style and didn’t realize I was FA for so long.. this video has great explanations! Thank you for covering this topic in a way that is reaching so many.
Balance has been key for me! These are great tips! I'm the FA, leaning anxious, I've mainly suppressed my avoidant side. But when it's popped up, it's left several people in my life very hurt and / or confused. I've always excused it after the fact as possible depression or burnout until learning about attachment. So, I started forcing myself not to be so available and attuned to others all the time. Before, I felt major guilt to take space and self-focus for a bit. Especially with a friend or partner who was more anxious.
My situationship was like this. Super clingy and and needy with constant communication daily and when we got closer with more emotional intimacy, he blamed his distance on depression and burnout from work. It triggered my abandonment issues due to his stonewalling. He still wanted me around but it felt like asking him to communicate or giving a few minutes time to me was like asking him touch lava. He ended up setting boundaries with me that shut me out with no availability in the near future. I think he had the same revelation as you but it gave me whiplash since he didn't communicate the changes in dynamic. Thanks for sharing this. It validated my situation.
you have no idea how much this video has helped me. i am realizing i was more securely attached and healed than i thought. i also have body dysmorphia and sexual intimacy issues that im healing as well so its A LOT. but this video has helped me see that im further along in healing FA than i thought thank you!!
This video series on fearful avoidant patterns is so so helpful to me. For the longest time I would pride myself on my inability to cry, and I would be confused as to why people would be worried about me when I bragged about it. Didn’t this prove I was emotionally tough and well rounded?? I also have a strong social mask that I need to drop. I am in the early beginnings of healing my attachment and these videos are a blessing when my therapy appointments are far between. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us Heidi.
The way fearful avoidance show in my life is that as soon as i start getting attached and really liking someone my immediate response is to cut them off, I somehow start believing fully that they aren't really interested, noticing all the small insignificant mistakes and just really wanting to detach. So I've been trying my best to wait it out and make more rational decisions, trying to be more okay with loving and being loved
Wow, that was an incredible video. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, I have lots to chew on. While it confronts the parts of me that are difficult to accept and love, I also feel energized to keep doing this vital work. Thanks so much!!
I have been researching attachment and working to understand my issues for like 15 years, but this is my first time recognizing how to mend my two polarities. Thank you for this.
Thank you for the video. and affirming info, Heidi. I wish my Ex GF that I pushed away, emotionally and geographically, could see and care about how hard I'm working, in NA, and counseling, to basically become secure. No contact, so there's no way I'm gonna risk making it even worse, if that's possible. Whats coming up for me is that next time, if there is one, since I'm older, I'm gonna be a lot more responsive with the phone and text, and initiating communication at least as much as she does. I'm gonna put in my share of the work. If the relationship lasts longer than 6 to 9 months, I'm going to be willing to live together. which I didn’t do last time and it went for 4 years. Also being courageous and vulnerable and being THERE.
I really appreciate that this starts with strengths. Fearful avoidant/disorganized is often framed as "you're shit out of luck trying to love them". My firsthand experience as an anxious person is that even with the chaos the fact that someone can partly relate to me sets me at ease vs avoidance alone.
Heidi, you are an absolute genius. I love your style of presenting this information. Such a wealth of information, presented in the most compassionate, clear and powerful ways. These videos are reorganizing me from the inside out. You're so badass!
Fantastic video Heidi, really loved the in depth information. In the past I identified as Fearful Avoidant as well, the thing is that I have always been very 50/50, and for me the part about integration was integrating all of my shadow. I was able to see myself as a logical, organised, calm and independent person, but also someone who is empathetic, kind and giving. I just had a problem of accepting the darker sides of each of them. I actually don’t think every FA has a main style, I think when having a very chaotic and unsafe childhood a person can go into any strategy at any time, and that is what I experienced as well. So for me at the time it meant integrating both, both mostly integrating and accepting my “shadow” parts. Embracing being more vulnerable and actually leaning on others and at the same time setting boundaries in the relationship and taking myself into consideration. I love the Personal Development School’s videos for this
Interesting point about FAs not necessarily having a dominant strategy, and this being a product of a chaotic upbringing and the deployment of any strategy that could work 🤔. I think I have the FA attachment style but I can’t really identify the childhood experiences that would lead to this. I speculate that a less chaotic experience may lead to less chaotic functioning. But then I can also totally identify with this idea that some relationships trigger a big swing to the opposite mode
Thank you so much for this video ❤🎉 I've done both sides and am currently trying exactly how to use them at the same time. I feel more relaxed and safer in my avoidant side, but I'm much better connected to my feelings now, so I flip-flop less. The avoidant side definitely protected my vulnerability.
Im a FA who's been blessed to learn about attachment at the young age of 19/20. I've been in relationships where I was consciously aware of my attachment and actively tried to communicate, hold space, be intentional, etc but at the end of the day my partners were very controlling, emotionally abusive, and manipulative, etc. I tried to tell them about what I was going through/how we needed to integrate awareness of attachment in our relationship and they couldn't seem to understand the weight of how important attachment theory is or the emotional roller coaster/painful experience I was going through. Could you do a video on how to make potential partners aware of attachment and its importance while dating? I also think CPTSD/hypervigilance/people pleasing significantly affect how FAs experience relationships and would love to see a video on that. As a fearful avoidant who struggles w these as well growing up in a dysfunctional home with narcissistic abuse I often dont see myself in your descriptions of FA behavioral patterns even though I know for a fact Im an FA, and Im assuming ptsd/hypervigilance/etc are the reason why my experience is different.
You might like to read the book ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - in it there are lots of suggestions about how to navigate dating situations
I have similar experience. It felt like no amount of sharing my experience or looking for understanding in the need for security/ or space with partners made it easier. Looking back tho I was often just ending yet another relationship and missing my beloved freedom. And then being confused or even angry at them when they were trying to hold on to me. 😢 My cptsd/lack of real boundaries and self esteem were undeniable additional complications…. In any case I thank Heidi profusely for her contribution to my healing and growth. Blessings to the path fellow voyagers.
You’re amazing….i don’t know if you’ve heard that today. But watching your videos has been life changing. Everything you’ve said about anxious attachment was a lifelong relationship style that was holding me back from identifying and finding my own true desires and goals. I had built me entire life around finding someone who makes me feel whole and validated. I never allowed myself to build my own boundaries because I knew I could assimilate and attune to whichever female I found attractive. This is so restrictive in that it gave me an excuse not to find my own life passions and pursuits. You’ve provided me a new perspective for being my own authentic self and not compromising my identify to find someone I could co-regulate with. Thank you, thank you.
"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭 I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰 I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖
omg thank you so much for this. I'm fearful avoidant but tbh I was having a hard time figuring out if I leaned more avoidant or anxious...your video confirmed for me I'm anxious as a default & avoidant when triggered 😅 I've had a bunch of relationships with avoidant ppl that lasted a long time but lately I've gotten sick of them not treating me well so I've finally started to cut some of them off...sometimes by ghosting & going full avoidant on them. I think what I did was for the best but it worries me how this cycle keeps repeating 😔 this video is definitely helping 💞 thank you so much!!
I’m ready to take steps to acknowledge, understand, and integrate my responsibility to be more present. And not by blaming myself with hundreds of different narratives that absorb my life and energy.
I have always realized how I processed things in my relationships, just didn't realize there was term for my "richochet" overthinking brain! Thanks again for your breakdowns on attachment styles!
Oh wow this made me realise... we repeat the same mistake by being with people who mirror our self-shame and hatred for whichever side we tend to repress. I've been ashamed of my anxious side, so always pretended I was cool and collected around more avoidant individuals. As soon as my anxious side came out, not only did they get the ick but the ick I had for myself worsened my anxiety! And so it crashes and burns when it all comes out. Super helpful video, thank you!!
I really appreciate this video, as a month ago I viewed myself as anxiously attached...now I see that I'm a fearful avoidant who leans anxious I will make integrating myself a top priority. No wonder I've known for yeaaars that journaling makes me feel the most integrated!
I only found out today that you could have both and not just one or the other. I was severely abused my an older sibling, neglected by my mom about the abuse and then my dad who loved me died and was stuck with abusive and neglect at the same time, I couldn't formulate real friendships because no one my age was able to comprehend what I was going through. I couldnt escape and developed this personality type alongside trauma splitting to just to get days to pass by, I have always been very upfront with my romantic partners about what I had to go through because some of the things I do don't make sense if you dont know about it (this uses both my emotional anxiety wanting relationships, but also my logical understanding of something went wrong and you should know) the problem that I have is I am distrustful in nature so I believe somehow it will come back to hurt me, but in the moment where I tell them I have hope that they wouldn't do that but then I am distrustful of my hope and that cycles a lot as well. It's constantly a tug of war between both logic and emotion and it will cause me to become disorented and will cause me to go into a panic induced phycosis where I can't tell reality apart because I beleive both to be reality
Wow..."the end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." I'm a therapist and that blew my mind.
In what ways are you a different person in different settings?
Sounds logical and basic, how did I over look the work it would take to change for 30 years. Kind of knew this but nothing ever changed bc of the lack of knowledge the work was essential. Thank you so much for this - I believe it will change people’s lives for sure if they dedicate the time into making the honest changes ❤😊
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊p😊😊
"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go."
Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭
I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰
I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖
@@patriot-hj5vx it’s like being a social chameleon- depending who’s around, how they’re feeling, what they like, the overall vibe, etc- you morph into a version of yourself that is “acceptable” to that person or people around. While there could be aspects of an authentic self, there’s still a different mask that’s put on that ensures that there’s some degree of social harmony, however, you end up hiding and concealing parts of the self that actually create intimate connection, because it’s the vulnerability that forms depth in a relationship. So the chameleon may work to please people, but it results in superficial relationships and a deep unfulfilled desire to be known and belong as our true self.
“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter- they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”
― Sylvia Plath
Thank you for sharing this.
Dang. I better practice!
Lucky I'm learnable😊
Hmmm, really interesting. I feel like I have huge issues in both directions of this spectrum, because I tend to come off as BOTH intellectual/analytical/hyper-independent AND overly giving/selfless/doormat-ish in my daily life. The thought of coming off as either needy OR selfish makes me break out in hives. I'm sure I must not be the only fearful avoidant who experiences this sort of paradoxical identity simultaneously.
I am the same, there's no in between for me
Yaas! ⚖️
Yep, same. And I literally feel like throwing up at the thought of being needy or too emotionally cold
Same
Samesies
Wow your ability to articulate this human experience is insane
Very thereputic❤
I think in my relationship (romantic) I come off more avoidant but in my head I am incredibly anxious. In confrontation I feel like both sides are battling eachother and in turn I become SILENT. My brain is doing a million things and nothing at the same time. It takes me forever to create and say a thought and I always end up getting emotional, something i really hate. In friendships, I am very avoidant and emotionally detached. I care and want to be there for them but never give them the opportunity to do the same for me. In turn I dont have the deep connections with my friends that I desire and have very very few friends.
This has been a lifelong struggle and i have always felt like a walking contradiction and recently it has really taken a toll on my self image and mental health. Thank you thank you THANK YOU for breaking this down for me and giving me hope that I can break this cycle for myself
You described me to a T.😢
I can completely relate with 'my brain is doing a million things, and nothing at the same time.'
Holy shit, how did you describe me so accurately
Perfectly said… this is exactly how I feel
I so relate to this!
I love that I finally understand myself after 61 years.
I have not figured out what to do with the information.
When she says "you need to learn how to...."
is like saying 'and then, a miracle occurs'
Heidi, I hope you're reading this.
I've spent two decades wondering what was wrong with me. I've already spent years learning all about self help and meditation, etc. But it was your channel which finally gave me my answers. Within only about 4 months now I've managed to finally open up to people and proudly present myself as the helpless, vulnerable mess that I am. And not a single person of the 1-2 dozen people I talked to did not show support and understanding. You've finally made me able to see the world as a kind place. I even managed to make up with my family and get an understanding from them that I never thought was possible. Thank you so much for everything
That is so true. Learning about Attachment Style Theory taught me so much about my insecure attachment. I told the woman I had loved secretly for 5 years about my feelings for her, looked her in the eye and said the most beautiful/ dreadful three words. Can't forget the sound of her breathing when I said that, as if I had emptied a bucket of cold water on her head. I felt so light. In our previous meeting I had told her how I felt it hard to breathe in her absence. I told her that I was insecure. It was like a huge, long white snake-like monster that had lived in me all my life, I pushed it out in one moment. That was last year. The woman is fearful avoidant so it is all on and off but I have no regrets. I have done my best without making use of "the game". Such a beautiful thing happened and with the right person it could have been so amazing.
That must be nice lol
I’m so happy that you were able to see yourself more clearly. And I promise you, you’re not a mess! I also found that learning about attachment styles last year had a similar effect on me. I was using a fearful avoidant coping mechanism and understanding that was earth shattering in the best possible way. While I wish I had discovered it before I was 53. I’m glad I figured it out at all because my life is getting better by the day. And now I understand why relationships were so confusing to me!
❤
This gives me hope, thank you
You are so good at explaining attachment styles, in a non judgmental way.
The fact that this is a longer video than the other 2 attachment styles 😆, what fun it is to be a fearful avoidant 🤪🤪
It's the absolute bee's knees. 🥴
Yesss so much fun😛🤕😬
technically shouldn't it be double? ;)
‼️🙃🫠
@@JeremyForTheWin😂 that is so shit funny!
Wow. You have just described every relationship I’ve ever had. Especially thinking others aren’t right for me because they’ve triggered certain parts of me I don’t see as ‘me’.
My mind is blown
I read this line from somewhere and I think it perfectly sums up the dichotomoy of my experience as an avoidant-leaning FA. Something along the lines of "One of our greatest fears, but is also our deepest desire, is to be seen and known for who we truly are"
Relate so much to this!
I don’t even know. I feel anxious, but act avoidant. It’s so hard to take the mask off. The anxiety while being in a relationship is always growing til it bursts into major drama and extreme pain. Speaking openly about emotions feels so frightening, but I’m trying. Thanks for your content! It helps a lot 🫶
Hi! Have you read about disorganized attachment? Reading about it has helped me.
This is exactly how I feel !!! I’m extremely anxious but you would never be able to tell. It comes off as an extreme avoidant. Is that what being disorganized means?
me 100%. externally i will come off avoidant but on the inside, i feel like a full flown true anxious attacher. when i sense a pull back, ill come closer just 1 more time, then once i sense rejection i am gone- but internally all i want to do is reach out as much as someone anxiously will.
@@Sariimura whats the difference between disorganised and fear-avoidant. seems to me they both seek closeness but act aloof as a way of self-protection?
@@_ZiXin_ Good question! I am no expert, but I believe those two concepts to be referring to the same attachment style (one in reference to childhood, the latter to adulthood). I might be wrong, but my understanding is that the term Disorganized Attachment is often used for children and in adulthood it can lead to the adult having Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. From the literature we can extract that people with this kind of insecure attachment display contradictory behaviors and tend to feel they don't deserve love or closeness in a relationship. On a side note, this is different from Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment style.
Holy shit. I’m realizing I lean avoidant, but am triggered into that heightened state when in a relationship. I never understood the drastic flip in my behavior when I got into a relationship. I stayed single because I hated the way I was when I would date. I was “never myself”
FR
nicely put
can relate
I relate to this so much.
Same!!
well this actually cleared up which way I lean. I did the exact same for most of my young adulthood. I hated how needy I was and I hated how preoccupied I became about crushes. My instinct was to be mean and push them away. And honestly, the partner I chose is one where I am the one managing his emotions and suppressing my own (and of course, resenting him for it). When I get triggered, I feel neglected and like I will never be able to truly connect with him, but then that makes me want to run away again.
As I’m watching, and taking notes. I’m realizing this is the plot to “Inside out” don’t suppress emotions. All emotions need to have the spotlight shined on them when necessary.
I am so shocked at how detailed you are about the thought process. This entire time I thought I was anxious but it did not sit well with me because I can be cold and avoidant at times too. It's like you said... the moment my anxious side gets triggered, I am hyper aware of how embarrassing it is and how it makes me feel, that I am losing myself. I also avoid confrontation because I feel personally attacked and I will shut down and avoid you for weeks yet I desperately want to talk. I feel trapped in my mind because I am super aware of myself and don't want to come off being toxic. It's like I want to talk about feelings and emotions but I also don't want to talk about feelings and emotions. What is wrong with me?😭
Also, i have a tendency of asking my partner if I'm being too needy or clingy, just to check if I'm still good. Gotta supress that lil psycho😂
I completely understand and relate to you. I am the same Im afriad of relying on people too much with talking about my feelings ir problems so i just usually dont. but everything I took from this video is its all steps, being a little vulnerable or emotional and open to people you trust everyday will go such a long day and your emotions and that clingyness wont be like all or nothing just more consistent ig and healthy, i hoped this helped. i just related to what you said and wanted to say what things I realized about myself and steps I am now taking, regardless I wish you luck on your journey to understanding yourself better 🫶🤍
Wow... I have never had anyone explain my style so clearly to me. This is why I have largely avoided relationships for the past twenty years. As inevitably the "monster" in me would come up (i.e. my needy side) and it would destroy the relationship and my self worth. Thank you Heidi.
I feel caught red-handed, called-out, persecuted in a nice way and that how much 3,5 years of therapy helped.
This is so me to a tee. I pride myself on being super rational outside of relationships and a huge fear of people seeing me as unstable. The moment I get into a romantic relationships I become super anxious and reactive and go into a shame spiral of there is something wrong with me. It is super dysregulating and confusing. I always thought of myself as more anxious but after hearing this video I realize I am actually more avoidant in life but my anxious side becomes activated in relationships. So insightful thank you❤❤
I'm exactly like this too but I never really realised
This sounds a lot like me: after the honeymoon phase fades, I start considering myself "Not Enough" for my partner and start my own shame spiral. So I become avoidant for fear of becoming too clingy or needing support (being a guy, I have it on my head - valid or not - that women don't want to be with a man who might need emotional support), and wind up creating too much distance.
I mean, I know, ultimately, that I need my OWN approval. To ingrain in myself that I'm enough to MYSELF. But that kinda leads me down an avoidant path of counter-dependence, and I don't want that for myself or my partner. :/
And I think I've recently gained an avoidance to romantic relationships in general. I'm tired of my own cycles, yes. But I'm even more fearful of hurting people I love. :(
@@christianyaerger1751 i felt this SO SO much! Feels good to not feel alone and crazy. Letting our Egos go is gonna be HARD but breaking the cycle i think will be worth it
yeah!!!
i’m avoidant in friendships but anxious in romantic relationships… i wonder how that works
That’s so true; I went into this video thinking I leaned avoidant but now I see it’s the avoidance I take as the problematic part of me that comes out in relationships and that I naturally lead with the anxious part of me, tending to over-romanticize and get a little lost in my rose-tinted view of it all.
you called me out on feeling like i "lost myself." my anxious side coming out screaming was an utterly humiliating and defeating experience for me. since then, i feel like i'm a guilty dog sulking away with my tail between my legs, confused about who i am lol.
"learning to be the same person everywhere you go" is such a solid goal. you made my current drama make so much sense to me in just 29 minutes.
also, loved the rule about having five friends you have emotional connections with, it's a great idea.
It's certainly an idea but 5 serious friends is an extremely tall order ngl
Ugh so relatable. Outside of relationships, it appears I have all my stuff together. Very consistent in my activities, self care, good at my job. However, once I’m dating someone that I’m attached to, it’s like I become this hyper needy and embarrassing person, giving up everything I care about to completely focus on the other person. Really unhealthy mechanisms.
The term "Secure" attachment for me sound like they're perfect, they can do no harm. Knowing that securely attached people have imperfections makes me feel good about myself.
Just an fyi - I classify as secure and certainly have more imperfections than I'd care to admit. That said, it's more about how I live with myself and others on a day to day basis that defines my security I suppose. Sure, I've had periods of anxiousness, and needing to pull away - but these emotions are not so strong as to dictate my response. I'm just comfortable taking the space I need shamelessly. I hope everyone here gets to that point in their existence.
I have CPTSD/complex trauma and have been participating in parts therapy. The idea that after trauma we split into multiple parts to protect ourselves, they often have a dominant fight/flight/freeze response to being triggered and pop up to protect me. But I've recently learnt that each part can have it's own attachment style. So I can fully relate to both the intellectual being shameful of the emotional side and the emotional side being shamed of not always being the nicest person. This idea of multiple parts/splitting is present with other trauma based conditions such as DiD, BPD etc. Thought I'd share as there were a lot of comments of people saying they lent both ways, when actually they could also be fragmented/have multiple parts that all have their own attachment style ❤
Wow. I'd genuinely not clicked that suddenly having no feelings was an avoidant deactivation thing, I've always just assumed the relationship had run it's course. Really helpful video ❤
When you said you need at least 5 friends, you are close with. I was like, " I don't have any close friends. How do you get 5. " I think I have been avoidant most of my life. I'm close to my daughter and my husband. I can see as I am getting older , I don't have many memories at all of other people. It is something I regret.
There’s still time to make friends and create memories with new people. Don’t lose hope yet. 💓
Same for me I have zero friends & my husband doesn't like me
Prior to TODAY, I always thought I was just anxious. I spent my entire 20s in three back-to-back long term relationships, so I spent pretty much a full decade in anxious mode - especially with my first and third partners, who were avoidant.
I'm now 3 years single, and find myself saying things like:
- what even is the point of a romantic relationship? They make no sense, and they only add chaos to my life. They're not worth the trouble.
- I hate who I am when I'm in relationships, so it's best to stay single.
- I can't date right now because [xyz arbitrary reason].
I also tend to respond to stressful things with avoidance in almost every other area of life. Stressful work email? I'll read it later. Big paper to write? Later. Big goals to achieve? Self-sabotage, give up, change my mind. Anything that could potentially make me feel like a failure or a bad person? Avoid, avoid, avoid.
This video is making me rethink some things...! It's interesting because I actually pride myself much more on my emotional intelligence than my logic and intellect... I wouldn't even say I really identify with the "logical" label, although I'm now realizing that this may be because logic/analysis/intellect is so baked into my everyday experience that I don't even notice it. I always did well in school, especially with things like proofs and analytical essays.
I will also say, I tend to live inside my head. I absolutely intellectualize my feelings, and have to remind myself to actually let myself FEEL them too. Perhaps I identify more with my emotional side now because, being in relationships for so long, I was FORCED to confront and tame that side of me. Lots of therapy. Just so much therapy. Lol
I hear you. I don't even feel my feelings. My therapist has asked me where I feel certain emotions and I honestly can't say maybe 90% of the time 😅
This will probably get lost in all the other comments but I just want to thank you for making this video. I've never felt so seen and had so many of my own personal patterns laid out so succinctly. So many lines jumped out at me and I found myself shaking my head at how specific and correct they were. Losing myself in relationships, the switch flipping and swinging from one extreme to the other, feeling shame about one side or the other, feeling that my partners might describe me differently than my friends...so many moments in here that touched me deeply. You've helped me understand the importance of intentionally maintaining both sides, logical and emotional, as a daily practice in order to have a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me, with openness and vulnerability, and without shame.
😊😊
Woah! This is my attachment style. I lean more anxious when I am smitten. I lean more avoidant when I am not sold on whether someone is right for me .
that sounds normal tbh. with a fearful avoidant, the more intimacy builds the more your avoidance is triggered.
@@AccordingToWillow that’s the opposite of what she said.
This is the clearest and most relatable explanation of a way I am that has caused me so much heartache over my entire adult life, something I could not for the life of me figure out. I had always found myself saying things like "I'm chaotic and hard to date because I can't predict how I go hot and cold, even when I've been in love..." and in recent years I've just avoided dating completely because it was exhausting feeling like a jekyll-and-hyde monster I'd never be able to stop being. Finding and binge-watching your Fearful-Avoidant videos got me a little giddy at the fact that I'm *finally* understanding what's going on with me when I try to get close to someone. It's going to be a lot of work but now I have at least a starting point for healing and growth. Thank you so much for these incredibly insightful videos.
This comes as a huge shock to me --- so SPOT ON. I felt I completely lost myself in my last relationship bc I was constantly leaning toward the anxious attachment style, which did not come out at all before. I was so confused while at the same time deeply ashamed of being needy and emotional to a level that I could not regulate myself. While after I started to learn about anxious attachment style and thought that was the whole me, it wasn't. I sometimes still feel uncomfortable with intimacy with someone I like and want to escape. It's like the constant two sides are running inside my body.
This is super eye opening- thank you. I realise that with my family, I adopt one identity which is more aloof. They perceive me as emotionless and closed off, because I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around them. With my friends, I am significantly more warm and open, perhaps even a little needy at times. I guess these are both 'me', but I struggle to integrate both parts and feel whole
This describes my girlfriend EXACTLY. The disconnection of avoidance is very painful.
I used to congratulate myself on being a chameleon. Took me to about 45 to realise, hang on, that's *not* a good thing. I'm 52 now. I have made a lot of progress in the last 5 years, it's easy for me to be a consistent version of myself no matter who I'm with now, although, other people can 'welcome' a side of you and you relax into it, but I feel it's always authentic now. I am so in awe of younger people who figure all of this stuff out in their 20s and 30s.
Yeah! I'm 44 and literally with this video, just realized this is my attachment style! I had no idea. I thought I had a secure, possibly anxious one. This video makes so much sense to me. It's embarrassing. I wish I knew 20 years ago.
You have to remember that folks who grow up since the internet, have a LOT more resources way younger. Also social media pressure driving insane insecurities. But. A lot more information about all this.
i'm 31 and i think i started my journey around 26 after hitting rock bottom. i do think internet access to resources helped me a lot. also, access to different therapy modalities that are body based. i remember when i was a preteen/teen in the early 2000s only having awareness and access to CBT, but by the time i was in my early 20s, therapists who did trauma and body based work were become more visible. since a lot of my coping is cognitive, i would get passed around a lot by CBT therapists and praised and told i was fine, but i knew i wasn't and i felt a lot of despair bc i didn't know if i would ever get help.
I also like to know how I can consistly be myself. Im in my 30es and on my selfhelp journey since more than a decade and I would say only the content from around 5 yrs seems be useful and helpful. Before it was kinda infected by new age and wishful thinking.
Anyways.. would you like to share how you stopped being a chameleon?:)
I used to be so proudly stoic and repressed until I got in a serious car accident and everything was suddenly unleashed. Despite all the pain, it was good for me to finally have to face my dark side and learn to integrate both parts of myself. It was agonizing and crushing at times, but I am a more secure person because of it.
This video is worth 100 therapy sessions, you are spot on you’re shedding a light on blind spots that I never knew existed. Thanks Heidi, you’re helping me more than you think! X
I know ... i felt like i was ripping her off when i only donated $50... Heidi, make a course so we can pay u properly lol 😅
for a long time i saw myself as a divided person. i seemed to go back and forth between being fearful/over-analytical and then at other times sad apathetic and lonely. i had to see that my fear was there because i was afraid of disappointing people, and the sadness was there because i wanted other people's love. i then realized that these were not actually two states because they both were trying to get the same thing, other people's love. after realizing that, i felt unified and calmer within myself. i saw that even though i have emotions like fear or sadness sometimes, this does not mean i am a divided person, it just means i am experiencing different emotions. the division was only a belief in my mind. before this i had been getting in touch with my sadness quite a bit as well and not running away from it, that may have played a part as well.
Beautiful
Wow! Quite the eye opener and well explained! I was in a relationship with what appeared to be a Fearful Avoidant, which eventually broke my heart and messed me up. What confused me the most was how she was so warm, emotional and crazy with me from the get go. I felt secure most of the time but whenever her avoidant, critical side appeared it triggered anxiety in me. When I was most disregulated and vulnerable she gave me the coldest shoulder ever and I couldn't believe it! 😢💔
You’re not alone @fedor! For me the hardest part was being so bewildered. It was painful to suddenly be treated like a stranger, but not understanding why was worse. This video really helped. Thank you Heidi! 💚
we might have dated the same person. She started out as anxious and then suddenly flipped to avoidant and it was suddenly all over and I was wondering what the hell just happened- she was so amazingly loving and all in and then was suddenly all out. It made my head spin completely off.
I’m doing better than I thought I was. I’ll always be my own biggest critic. The explosive emotions was my problem. Once triggered it was hard to get back to the logic. But the logic made it hard to be willing to attach. The logical and calculating side is my dominant side. After growing up with an abusive stepfather, after being abandoned by my own father at 2 weeks old, showing emotions was constantly negatively reinforced. The logic took over. So did the anxiety and abandonment issues I didn’t recognize until my 30s. I finally feel like I’m in a place where I’ve found some balance. I’ve been working on myself actively for 15 years. It’s hard work. It’s always going to be work. But one day you realize just how far you’ve come, and it’s ok to be proud as fuck about it. You start wearing it like armor and you realize you can actually just be honest and sympathetic and deeply emotionally intimate with someone. I still get set off sometimes, but getting back to center is infinitely easier now than it ever was. I wish I had understood myself so much earlier in life, but I’m grateful to the UA-cams for having this sort of thing. Made figuring my head space out possible without spending a fortune. That only works if you can be genuinely critical of yourself, and see your own faults in a given situation. It gets better, and the more you work at it, the easier it gets. Keep at it folks, if you’re here, you’re already fighting the fight to improve yourself. We’re all proud of you.
I haven't had so many "wow, that's me" moments in a long while. Thank you for making these videos!
9:25, yep. I find that my fearful-avoidant patterns over time went unaddressed, so I formed an emotional regulation disorder.
- I can only suppose this for other personality disorders, but as one who is healing from a diagnosed personality disorder, I benefit learning about attachment patterns and self love! With support and effort I feel less anxious about living life, as I apply the information and practice it, I'm able to slowly let go of the old ineffective patterns. Personally I've wanted healthy behaviors and wanted to be dependable for myself, I just didn't know how...This channel is super helpful!
Thank you!!!!!!!! The feeling that something is inherently wrong with expressing emotions has definitely been a huge barrier for me. You have given me the tools to feel comfortable with expressing that side of myself. Many thanks!
I'm finding that I was shamed for my feelings and inadequacies from my parents growing up. I was also told what to do, what mattered, and not given much of an opinion. So now I have little boundaries for friendships (I let them take full control) and do not share my feelings (out of shame). So my fearful-avoidant mixture is happening simultaneously at all times instead of swinging back and forth. I've gotten to have little direction and constantly needy for emotional support. This does not make for good friendship. Hoping to heal well. Thank you for sharing these lessons.
24:52 bomb. Secure people letting themselves be self protective and letting themselves be needy
I feel like I finally have the final piece to the puzzle and can now see the elephant in the room of my life. Thank you, Heidi!
I thought I was anxious attachment, but the more I learn about fearful avoidant, I feel maybe I am both 🤯 I do both things. I lost love of my life because I couldn't actually communicate my needs or wants and emotionally erupted and let her go. 💔 Now regret...but, learning.
I am so heartbroken since two weeks ago and I started watching your videos one day after I found out that the „man of my dreams“ is in an relationship. I am so desperately hurt and feel so deceived but listening to you keeps my head up or even can get me sleep when i cannot phantasy about him anymore. I am very greatful for your magnificent videos with the smiley voice that gives me hope to become a happy person one day (also in a relationship)
I have never taken pride for being able to be cold or distant, I take pride in my ability to be lethal. Shaping my life in seconds and taking wildly intertwined and yet completely opposite paths at once...
But how much longer can I hold that flag over my head
Keep my weapons raised
My eyes locked
My body snaps in truly terrifying ways under the pressure only for my focus to not be changed whatsoever.
When do I become tired....
When do I fail...
And when I do can I get back up?
This video has taught me much and your eyes are kind to damaged souls. Please remember your mortality and take time for even your most "simple" human needs. Thank you for your words.
This video blows my mind. It’s like you’re talking directly to me 1:1 😢
Fearful Avoidant / Anxious
I never understood why I seemed to switch back-and-forth between the two personalities … like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I’ve felt psychologically broken for years…
Heidi! How can you see into my soul?! Yes, I am a guy with an emotional monster inside living all dammed up waiting to burst out and deluge whole villages! I’m definitely FA leaning DA. I’m comfortable sans emotions and feeling quietly superior to other mere mortals. But then I fell for a DA. The monster emerged overwhelming him with declarations of deep affection. He ran for the hills (twice), which reinforces that I’m part monster. He’s the only one who triggers that side of me because he’s the only person I’ve ever really fallen for probably because he’s the only guy I know who is more dismissive than I am. And now I hurt every day (and weep every fourth day!) and want to be a true DA because they (seemingly) don’t feel pain. I’ve often thought that a release valve is needed, but the practicalities of installing such a device have so far eluded me. Thanks for your unique and apt videos. I’ve watched others’ videos, but somehow yours always hit the proverbial nail on the head every time. Thanks for your help!
I love this comment. Better to laugh than cry about it, right?🥴
You write like an author of literature! This comment is so relatable, ESPECIALLY the declarations of love part. I cringe about it almost every day. Sigh. I’ve never fallen like that before. I didn’t even know that I could fall like that before. I just did too much, and I feel embarrassed. I still miss him, and my heart still hurts, but I’ve just detached from the entire situation. I can’t bear to deal with the feelings of loss and heartbreak. It’s too hard. Too painful. I was too stupid. Too immature. Too desperate. I definitely lost myself in him, and the imaginary future I created with him. I needed the break from fantasy, desperately, but it came at a cost. You live and you learn, I guess.
I wish you the best.
My biggest concern is that i can't really stop romanticizing dysfunction. as stupid as it may sound but i often feel kinda "unique" being this way. it's almost like finding my identity in this chaos. Also it helps me being more creative. I only feel like creating art and appreciate art when i am struggling. but i can't deny the fact that this constant push-and-pull, paranoia, overthinking is hella draining. It requires a lot of bravery to let go of all of this.
In the end you're more creative if you're healthy
@@djhardcorehengst6356 proof?
I definitely feel more creative when I am feeling more balanced. When I am in activating mode I feel strongly like I WANT to create but the ideas just don't come and I get frustrated or whatever I do its not good enough in my mind. When I'm more balanced I can get into something easily and it's more about the process than the end result, but I'm often more accepting of and pleased with the end result when I feel more balanced.
For me it's the polar opposite. Dysfunctional relationships bring chaos to my life. It results in repressed pain, grief, then hopelessness and finally I'm back to depression. Unable to do anything, powerless, let alone anything creative. While I grow older I crave stability more and more and that kind of relationship mess is only less appealing to me. I'm quicker to call it off than I was ever before, I believe.
I feel the same way, I fear that healing will make me an evil, cold, uncaring person and I'll become like all the people who hurt me and I won't be able to relate to people like us, It scares me because I don't know if I can really believe people are trustworthy or are not trying to manipulate or put up a facade in this day and age.
Never in my life have I seen a person so intelligent, expressive, and transparent.
As a clinician I love your channel, It's
More about the drama triangle than other channels don't mention. And the fact that. We can be fearful avoidant but leaning secure. We really have the opposite side in us wether we want to see it or not.
So well explained. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I've made so much progress in 12-step pgms - CODA, ACA - practicing humility, facing my shame, being accountable to myself without judgment. It's not a religious org.
I have watched a lot of these types of videos because I currently have a girlfriend who is struggling with this. Your video is one of the best I've seen that gets the point across effectively and also makes them accountable. Hopefully, she will take some things on board and learn how to help herself.
Hi Heidi, the most memorable point to me is that my anxious side needs air. Of course it will come out screaming and act out in an embarassing way after suffocating for so long under my logic. Every video of yours is an eye opener. Thank you so much for your insights and sharing your journey. ❤
Once again, absolute GOLD Heidi! Thank you sooo much. I'd thought I was anxious for years and then I realised I was fearful avoidant leaning anxious.... But this video has made me see I actually lean avoidant and then get anxious once in relationship and try and repress that side... Instead of thinking amd believing I was very sensitive and overly emotional, I can now see I've actually been leaking this out, which is then misunderstood by those around me..! This has been so super helpful in helping me see how I need to integrate that side of me instead of neglecting it and self judging my emotional side. You've turned on its head how I see myself today! Thank you soo very much ❤🎉🙏
I need more details, please.
I literally choked on my coffee when it was said I lost myself in that. I can't tell you how many times I said that. And then when you talked about the box that needs to be open and left open about being emotional and vulnerable I started having shortness of breath over the thought of doing that. Just the thought! There's times I want to think I'm not a fearful avoidant that I might have made a mistake or something along those lines. And then I see a video one of your videos actually I can't deny it, it's like you're know my inside voice.
I never took attachment styles seriously, thought it to be some sort of zodiac-like typology, but what you say rings so true and has so much sense! It's so scary to be "switched" into a cold-rational persona from your usual loving self, especially if you're in love, and you're, in a sense, defined by love because that is what is most important thing about you - but suddenly you get switched to "cold mode" and you begin to fear that you deceive yourself... It is so scary that it's hard to be aware of it at all, instead pushing it to the backyard of the mind... It is calming to know that this is not "true face", but "other part" of a person...
As I'm working on my self-discovery journey, I've noticed this thing with anxiety. It's like I've been hitting the snooze button on it during stressful times or just dodging it altogether. Now, I catch myself saying, "I'm not sure about anxiety."
Trying to switch things up, I've figured out that talking about it could actually bring some connection, ease those fears, and maybe even team up with my rational side. It's a bit of a puzzle I'm piecing together in my daily grind. It gets confusing and overwhelming at times, but hey, that's the journey.
5 close friends?? That’s ALOT in adulthood!! I hope you achieve that goal❤
ikr...
Well just found out today I am a fearful avoidant so that’s fun😩. The positive is it explains a lot of my relationship patterns and knowledge is instrumental to change.
Woah, this was so mind opening for me 🤯 Especially the part about the other person bringing out a different side of me or "losing myself" in a relationship. I've literally said this before. Thank you so much.
I always believe myself to be anxious, but this video made me realize I might have been fearful-avoidant all along, actually swinging between the extremes. I’ve actually been more avoidant before, but became deeply anxious when started getting into relationships.
Same
Wooow. That analysis on the being fearful of the other attatchment style goes deeep. That was again one of those, “damn i’ve improved my vocabulary” moments. As someone who is anxious fearful avoidant, im often afraid i become distant. Wonderful! Happy to learn this at 23
Thanks so much for this. I'm fearful to be seen and felt because a part of me thinks people will make use of my vulnerabilities.
Just now a guy on a bus hit on me with a kind gaze. An attachment gaze. I looked away cos I know I am blushing. I'm in my mid 40s already and yet I still chicken out and turned away, looking disinterested, when actually I felt scared and embarrassed.
The guy seems like a nice chap. But I convinced myself to not engage, possibly to save myself from further embarrassment.
Your suggestion of making deeper emotional connection with 5 friends is a good one. I find myself not having even one emotionally deep friendship.
I'm just now realizing as I explore multiple of these videos, that because they specifically explore from a romantic-relationship place that I was missing acknowledging a point where I do the "I've lost myself" thing. Because I don't do it in romantic relationships, but I absolutely do it with masking at work. That's an eye opener. It also makes me consider how that's how I feel when I have to spend time with my family and it made me connect that I'm much more avoidant with my mom and much more anxious with my dad.
Lady, you are changing my life. THANK YOU
I love this video because as an FA, I have recently started looking at IFS and parts therapy as a way to learn how to integrate these fragmented parts of myself, this is a step further into healing. Especially because FAs struggle so much with activation and deactivation, emotions swinging from end to end. The goal here is to minimize this and be more centred and grounded. I also think that once you learn how integrate, that's when CBT comes into play, you can now question your own thought and feelings, you can also learn how to practice mindfulness and learn to observe yourself more in the moment because you're not getting overwhelmed by your own emotional reactivity.
I’m so glad I found your fearful-avoidant videos. Neither Anxious or Avoidant really resonates with me…but these do. And I’ve noticed that as a FA I often tend to attract or be attracted to other FA in a sorta tribe sense.
I’m…also dealing with the more I heal, the more I have to accept my emotions ARE “stronger” than others because of my adhd, and my reactions while finally finally healing some of this ARE going to seem…bizarre to explosive to others because of my cptsd + adhd.
And remember how I tend to kinda…cluster with other FA? (Which is also why I think the conventional “it’s from Extreme caregiver abuse/neglect” is dead wrong; mine developed from extreme bullying and scapegoating at school + church with parent ill equipped to really give support vs disgust and punishment to my emotions.) Well…pretty sure I’m in love with another FA. I’ve had to deal with the shame of that, especially since. Despite being FINE only being friends (and in a lot of ways that’s preferable for me; and really all I can ever “expect” as someone asexual anyway so I’ve just done so years ago, it is what it is). I swear them sensing my attraction to them + their attraction to me just…sets them off. They were the first person to see me disregulated AND accept me, anyway; and very quickly pick up on my emotional and physical hurt and either soothe or show compassion for it faster than anyone else I’ve ever known in-person; and they looked pleased when they could make me laugh so hard I could forget to feel shame about it. But…either that stupid attraction, or…maybe they do believe I’m really only trying to build the foundations for a secure friendship here. But one or either just. Has them osolating between a Fear of that kind of connection and a Fear I’ll leave.
…and while I’ll keep fighting to try and make the environment we’re in safe. I just don’t have the stamina anymore to deal with wanting a Friendship vs Casual Aquaintanceship being treated like I’m “demanding too much” anymore.
…if they really are attached to me…it’s their turn now. I just hope that doesn’t cause further damage but this dysfunction is harmful to me.
Heidi if it wasn't for you i would be stuck in the Conscious Incompetence stage of my healing journey, Thank you thank you thank you, im so ready to break these cycle so i can earn secure attachment for a long healthy secure relationship. please keep doing what you're doing i watch all your videos my virtual therapist
Your videos are a game-changer for me. I always thought I lost myself in relationships, turns out I just triggered my normally-hidden avoidant side.
As the former partner of an FA, it felt like Jekyll and Hyde. I still have whiplash from the shift!
I feel like I’ve just been exposed! Damn. I had been mostly in the fearful avoidant state, masking my anger and distaste, trying my hardest to remain good and helpful, almost selfless, when in reality I was really needy. I was recently triggered and the parts of myself I kept hidden from others poked its head and I couldn’t stand it. Now I feel a bit anxious avoidant and closed off from a feeling of defeat. Trying to stay in balance is, for me, like learning to walk all over again.
Oof 😖. This explains quite a bit of what happened in my last relationship. It’s comforting to know that at least what I’ve been experiencing isn’t unique. Thank you - your videos have been helping me immensely. 🙏🏼
You’ve described what I’ve learned through YEARS of self reflection (the hard way) perfectly in 28 minutes 😂 as well as shined light on areas that I wasn’t previously aware of. Thank you for sharing this info for free!
10+ years counseling clinically and this is the best explanation of fearful avoidant attachment I’ve ever seen. So glad I found you!!!
I feel like I need to rewatch this a few times, I am just learning about my attachment style and didn’t realize I was FA for so long.. this video has great explanations! Thank you for covering this topic in a way that is reaching so many.
Balance has been key for me! These are great tips! I'm the FA, leaning anxious, I've mainly suppressed my avoidant side. But when it's popped up, it's left several people in my life very hurt and / or confused. I've always excused it after the fact as possible depression or burnout until learning about attachment. So, I started forcing myself not to be so available and attuned to others all the time. Before, I felt major guilt to take space and self-focus for a bit. Especially with a friend or partner who was more anxious.
My situationship was like this. Super clingy and and needy with constant communication daily and when we got closer with more emotional intimacy, he blamed his distance on depression and burnout from work. It triggered my abandonment issues due to his stonewalling. He still wanted me around but it felt like asking him to communicate or giving a few minutes time to me was like asking him touch lava. He ended up setting boundaries with me that shut me out with no availability in the near future. I think he had the same revelation as you but it gave me whiplash since he didn't communicate the changes in dynamic. Thanks for sharing this. It validated my situation.
you have no idea how
much this video has helped me. i am realizing i was more securely attached and healed than i thought. i also have body dysmorphia and sexual intimacy issues that im healing as well so its A LOT. but this video has helped me see that im further along in healing FA than i thought thank you!!
This video series on fearful avoidant patterns is so so helpful to me. For the longest time I would pride myself on my inability to cry, and I would be confused as to why people would be worried about me when I bragged about it. Didn’t this prove I was emotionally tough and well rounded?? I also have a strong social mask that I need to drop. I am in the early beginnings of healing my attachment and these videos are a blessing when my therapy appointments are far between. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us Heidi.
The way fearful avoidance show in my life is that as soon as i start getting attached and really liking someone my immediate response is to cut them off, I somehow start believing fully that they aren't really interested, noticing all the small insignificant mistakes and just really wanting to detach. So I've been trying my best to wait it out and make more rational decisions, trying to be more okay with loving and being loved
I've seen most of your videos by now, and its so clear now. I am actually shocked how true they are.
Wow, that was an incredible video. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, I have lots to chew on. While it confronts the parts of me that are difficult to accept and love, I also feel energized to keep doing this vital work. Thanks so much!!
Thank you very much for this series. I’ve seen how much I’ve grown from therapy within this particular attachment style
I've been struggling with this issue and trying to find a solution for years! This is the most helpful video I've watched on the subject. Thank you!
I have been researching attachment and working to understand my issues for like 15 years, but this is my first time recognizing how to mend my two polarities. Thank you for this.
Thank you for the video. and affirming info, Heidi. I wish my Ex GF that I pushed away, emotionally and geographically, could see and care about how hard I'm working, in NA, and counseling, to basically become secure. No contact, so there's no way I'm gonna risk making it even worse, if that's possible. Whats coming up for me is that next time, if there is one, since I'm older, I'm gonna be a lot more responsive with the phone and text, and initiating communication at least as much as she does. I'm gonna put in my share of the work. If the relationship lasts longer than 6 to 9 months, I'm going to be willing to live together. which I didn’t do last time and it went for 4 years. Also being courageous and vulnerable and being THERE.
I really appreciate that this starts with strengths. Fearful avoidant/disorganized is often framed as "you're shit out of luck trying to love them". My firsthand experience as an anxious person is that even with the chaos the fact that someone can partly relate to me sets me at ease vs avoidance alone.
your channel has been very important in my life realizations, thank you for what you do!
Heidi, you are an absolute genius. I love your style of presenting this information. Such a wealth of information, presented in the most compassionate, clear and powerful ways. These videos are reorganizing me from the inside out. You're so badass!
Thank you for the clarity.
Fantastic video Heidi, really loved the in depth information. In the past I identified as Fearful Avoidant as well, the thing is that I have always been very 50/50, and for me the part about integration was integrating all of my shadow. I was able to see myself as a logical, organised, calm and independent person, but also someone who is empathetic, kind and giving. I just had a problem of accepting the darker sides of each of them. I actually don’t think every FA has a main style, I think when having a very chaotic and unsafe childhood a person can go into any strategy at any time, and that is what I experienced as well. So for me at the time it meant integrating both, both mostly integrating and accepting my “shadow” parts. Embracing being more vulnerable and actually leaning on others and at the same time setting boundaries in the relationship and taking myself into consideration. I love the Personal Development School’s videos for this
Interesting point about FAs not necessarily having a dominant strategy, and this being a product of a chaotic upbringing and the deployment of any strategy that could work 🤔. I think I have the FA attachment style but I can’t really identify the childhood experiences that would lead to this. I speculate that a less chaotic experience may lead to less chaotic functioning. But then I can also totally identify with this idea that some relationships trigger a big swing to the opposite mode
Thank you so much for this video ❤🎉 I've done both sides and am currently trying exactly how to use them at the same time. I feel more relaxed and safer in my avoidant side, but I'm much better connected to my feelings now, so I flip-flop less. The avoidant side definitely protected my vulnerability.
Im a FA who's been blessed to learn about attachment at the young age of 19/20. I've been in relationships where I was consciously aware of my attachment and actively tried to communicate, hold space, be intentional, etc but at the end of the day my partners were very controlling, emotionally abusive, and manipulative, etc. I tried to tell them about what I was going through/how we needed to integrate awareness of attachment in our relationship and they couldn't seem to understand the weight of how important attachment theory is or the emotional roller coaster/painful experience I was going through.
Could you do a video on how to make potential partners aware of attachment and its importance while dating?
I also think CPTSD/hypervigilance/people pleasing significantly affect how FAs experience relationships and would love to see a video on that. As a fearful avoidant who struggles w these as well growing up in a dysfunctional home with narcissistic abuse I often dont see myself in your descriptions of FA behavioral patterns even though I know for a fact Im an FA, and Im assuming ptsd/hypervigilance/etc are the reason why my experience is different.
You might like to read the book ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - in it there are lots of suggestions about how to navigate dating situations
i believe a good partner would be open to trying to understand what you think is important with no hesitation!
thank you ☺@@Protegida4
I have similar experience. It felt like no amount of sharing my experience or looking for understanding in the need for security/ or space with partners made it easier. Looking back tho I was often just ending yet another relationship and missing my beloved freedom. And then being confused or even angry at them when they were trying to hold on to me. 😢
My cptsd/lack of real boundaries and self esteem were undeniable additional complications….
In any case I thank Heidi profusely for her contribution to my healing and growth.
Blessings to the path fellow voyagers.
You’re amazing….i don’t know if you’ve heard that today. But watching your videos has been life changing. Everything you’ve said about anxious attachment was a lifelong relationship style that was holding me back from identifying and finding my own true desires and goals. I had built me entire life around finding someone who makes me feel whole and validated. I never allowed myself to build my own boundaries because I knew I could assimilate and attune to whichever female I found attractive. This is so restrictive in that it gave me an excuse not to find my own life passions and pursuits. You’ve provided me a new perspective for being my own authentic self and not compromising my identify to find someone I could co-regulate with. Thank you, thank you.
"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go."
Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭
I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰
I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖
omg thank you so much for this. I'm fearful avoidant but tbh I was having a hard time figuring out if I leaned more avoidant or anxious...your video confirmed for me I'm anxious as a default & avoidant when triggered 😅 I've had a bunch of relationships with avoidant ppl that lasted a long time but lately I've gotten sick of them not treating me well so I've finally started to cut some of them off...sometimes by ghosting & going full avoidant on them. I think what I did was for the best but it worries me how this cycle keeps repeating 😔 this video is definitely helping 💞 thank you so much!!
I’m ready to take steps to acknowledge, understand, and integrate my responsibility to be more present. And not by blaming myself with hundreds of different narratives that absorb my life and energy.
I have always realized how I processed things in my relationships, just didn't realize there was term for my "richochet" overthinking brain! Thanks again for your breakdowns on attachment styles!
Oh wow this made me realise... we repeat the same mistake by being with people who mirror our self-shame and hatred for whichever side we tend to repress. I've been ashamed of my anxious side, so always pretended I was cool and collected around more avoidant individuals. As soon as my anxious side came out, not only did they get the ick but the ick I had for myself worsened my anxiety! And so it crashes and burns when it all comes out. Super helpful video, thank you!!
I really appreciate this video, as a month ago I viewed myself as anxiously attached...now I see that I'm a fearful avoidant who leans anxious I will make integrating myself a top priority. No wonder I've known for yeaaars that journaling makes me feel the most integrated!
I only found out today that you could have both and not just one or the other. I was severely abused my an older sibling, neglected by my mom about the abuse and then my dad who loved me died and was stuck with abusive and neglect at the same time, I couldn't formulate real friendships because no one my age was able to comprehend what I was going through. I couldnt escape and developed this personality type alongside trauma splitting to just to get days to pass by, I have always been very upfront with my romantic partners about what I had to go through because some of the things I do don't make sense if you dont know about it (this uses both my emotional anxiety wanting relationships, but also my logical understanding of something went wrong and you should know) the problem that I have is I am distrustful in nature so I believe somehow it will come back to hurt me, but in the moment where I tell them I have hope that they wouldn't do that but then I am distrustful of my hope and that cycles a lot as well. It's constantly a tug of war between both logic and emotion and it will cause me to become disorented and will cause me to go into a panic induced phycosis where I can't tell reality apart because I beleive both to be reality