The 1 thing I did to heal my Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
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- Опубліковано 30 лип 2024
- What was the main thing I used to heal my Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style? In this video I explain the simple process that I ended up crafting that helped me release 80-90% of the trauma that was underlying my fearful avoidant attachment style.
THE SIMPLE PROCESS:
The simple process you can find starting at 9:17 in the video!
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to everyone watching this video im proud that you’re taking the initiative to watch this and learn from our disorganized attatchment style, we’re in this together loves
I second this fully :) So happy you are here!
Starting my healing and I am in relationship with someone who has been patient with me. Just discovering my avoidant style and desperately seeking what to do
I am so fearfully avoidant I can’t imagine I’m worthy of imagining healthy intimacy. This tapping, and I am doing EFT for a few months offers a path forward. Your explanation was lucid and a continued milestone. Thank you for your healing work and sharing with others.
Thank you so much for helping to humanize rather than demonize the fearful avoidant. It has been difficult for me to completely relate to the extreme descriptions of fearful avoidant, because I have also developed a lot of secure attachment tools to cope with my chaotic inner world and upbringing even in my youth. So those extreme descriptions have actually confused me. It is like I could say that deep down I completely identify with the inner feelings of the fearful avoidant, however, I developed and experimented with a lot if logical arguments and self soothing tools to help me cope and actually be the pillar of stability for most people around me. It did not eliminate that inner feeling though. It is like I built a pretty decent house on top of a shitty foundation, and that it all stood pretty stable until a few earthquakes hit. Then I was left pretty disoriented and my fearful avoidance that lie at the base came into full bloom/was reinforced. But I am also grateful that the earthquakes exposed that shitty foundation so that I could rebuild it again. I would so like to see more videos on the topic of well-adapted fearful avoidants like myself. And I feel you do a very good job of addressing this need. Thank you.
That analogy is so good: 'Built a pretty decent house on a shitty foundation'. I'm so happy you are rebuilding the foundation! Are there any specific things/topics you would like to see video's on?
Well, if, when and how to tell a new/old partner about your paradoxical mind would be nice (mentioned this on a different video of yours). But also I am interested in anything related to how it is to have such a confusing and stressful attachment pattern that you have to invest a lot of time & energy figuring out and applying different coping and healing strategies. There has been a lot of trial and error for me. I mean, when I look back at my life I realize how much time and energy I have spent just self regulating that I could have spent on other things! Even now, when I have learned to detect and deal with emotions before they turn into anxiety, I still have to deal with the thought-emotions of fear popping up every now and then (particularly when I am tired, when I am in vulnerable positions with family or loved ones). I don’t know if that makes any sense. But what I am talking about could be analogous to how an alcoholic experiences the path towards sobriety. Likewise the need to talk about and identify high-functioning fearful-avoidance is akin to the importance of identifying high-functioning alcoholic; they can go untreated if the only descriptions out there are of the extreme versions. I thank you for your contribution to that. Another comment I read here was someone who described having these thoughts deep in the closet of there mind. I think many of us are aware of the irrationality of the thoughts that pop up in our heads and carry a LOT of shame even when we manage to keep them locked up inside (which doesn’t work in the long run). Anyway, I feel I could talk about this for ages. It is fascinating. Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable with us.
I really relate to this. I thought I was managing my cptsd well and progressing, until a wonderful place I was volunteering at shut down and my beloved cat died suddenly. I was plunged into a terrible dark depression which I'm still trying to come out of. I realised that my cat and my volunteer job helped me so much that I wasn't feeling those bad feelings on a daily basis. Now I'm exposed to them and it can be so distressing. I like the idea of rebuilding again on a stronger foundation.
Wow. The self awareness in this comment is immense. And I could deeply resonate with everything you said 🥹
I'm so happy you discovered this at such a young age. Took me literally 50 years to see the patterns and trauma. Thank you for your videos of truth.
This really helped me understand EFT and how to get better. I walked myself through all the situations with my partner that scare me and instead of repressing it and trying to push away that fear, I took it along with me while tapping. I cried and I was able to release to feelings and I do feel lighter now. Thank so much Timmer
@ivan Well I haven’t healed yet but I’ve maintained open communication with my partner about my healing journey and I’ve definitely gotten better. I’m way more affectionate now than I ever thought I could be, me and my partner have been together for a year now thanks to this. As in how long it took for EFT to work? Well just the first time I did it I cried a lot and felt relief because I was releasing a lot of repressed emotions but it took me about 2 weeks of EFT and journaling to actually start being affectionate and initiating romantic things with my partner without feeling awkward and pushing them away again.
21:15 "your body will know what to do" that sounds so beautiful
I AGREE WITH YOU ON SO MANY POINTS! THE WHOLE THING. JESUS. IVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH THESE ISSUES FOR 3 YEARS NOW, GRINDING TROUGH IT. SOCIAL ANXIETY, DISSOCIATION. BUT I BELIEVE I AM ON THE RIGHT PATH.
Hi @andythebro5811 I am going through something similar. How is your progress going?
Thank you for your message of hope that I can have relationships and not destroy them (without understanding why).
This has been hugely - and surprisingly - helpful. Thank you!
Very clear process! Thanks again 💞
I am so glad I found your channel. Thank you
Yes, EFT works! I know this because I’m an accredited EFT practitioner. I highly recommend researching this wonderful modality to help break through limiting beliefs and release bothersome emotions. Once you reduce emotional intensity your feelings are no longer influencing your decisions. That’s when you are in a true position of choice. Clearing and processing emotional intensity also allows you to develop a more objective perspective of triggering events.
Have you healed the Fearful Avoidant attachment style with EFT?
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 yes, many times.
Thanks for bringing up the fear brain and the need to make the future image feel safe. I don't always like to imagine my future because it doesn't feel safe. This makes so much sense.
Thank you. Your videos are so helpful. Had I not found you, I wouldn't even have a clue about where to start my healing journey ❤️
Blessings, the experience you’re sharing ❤
I am so thankful for this video.🌹
You are an absolute legend! Thank you for this. It’s so helpful to me
You're truly inspiring. Thanks for sharing your insightful wisdom with us.
I completely forgot about tapping. It used to really help me. Now I want to do it daily! Thank you.
I just adore how you share this. It’s very clear and I need to do it. I’m well past midlife and still struggle even at workplaces. So thank you for this encouragement to improve.
You are a gift to this world. Thank you so much! 💖
This makes sooo much sense thank you!
Your EFT information and actively practicing has helped me TREMENDOUSLY Paulien.. thank you eternally... it’s my go to grounding tool now. Thank you! Eternally!
Repeating I’m safe in my head helped me a lot.
That was so, so helpful!!♥️🫶
Inspirational, thank you so much 🙏
Very impressed with your progress! Coming from an anxiously attached person - I was dealing with an avoidant gf who didnt have enough courage to face her demons and would just run away. You go girl!
Thank for opening my eyes to EFT. I look forward to using it & diving deeper into it.
Wowww, YES I have never understood my aversion to feeling powerful and haven't heard it expressed by someone else like this before!
6:55 Video Link: How to do EFT tapping to heal your Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. EFT = Emotional Freedom Technique. Link also in show notes. (Note: EFT is also the abbreviation of Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is a process-oriented experiential style of therapy that is designed to heal insecure attachment.)
You are much appreciated!
Thank you so much! I find this video so insightful and can really see how this approach is going to help me.
I love this channel!! This was really helpful! Thank you so much 🙏💛
Ah I'm so glad! Thank you for being here!
This is super helpful & going to try it soon! I have done EFT in the past but it was not targeted like this. Hoping this is the key for me as it was for you. & I agree learning what your needs are & setting boundaries is also great (been thru this long process recently) but it doesn’t get rid of the constant fear.
Thank you for your amazing advice, it really spoke to me, having the same condition, which ruined more than one relationship. Healing, improving, must take time I'm sure... I practice what you suggest, and it does work to make me feel a bit better when I do, but I do relapse often still. And it's hard. It's hard on my significant other for sure, it's hard on me as well. These cycles of distrust, arguments, then romance and bliss, then distrust, arguments. And the shame, guilt and pain feel for those relapses... are still so intense.
Never knew about attachment styles until today. I don’t seem to have a issue with intimacy but more fear of rejection and trust. The trust issue seems to appear if I feel I’m not a priority or I sense he’s lying. As soon as I open up and be vulnerable to show him I’m keen, they feel secure and comfortable so not as much effort is shown. At this stage my wall goes up again and I pull back. I’ve put it down to I’m too honest and although they say they love my honesty I’m not sure they can’t cope. Im very blunt and straight forward in what I want/expect and deserve. My relationships seem to have a 3 month life span 🤦🏼♀️ I’ll watch your other videos and hope they give me hope x
Wow... when I first heard of EFT, I believed that if I got my grubby hands on a healing modality, I'd ruin it for myself. It seemed like my trauma engulfed me and everything I touched, so I didn't dare touch EFT. I feel differently now, and am excited to give it a try!
Love this! Thank you
So glad I decided to subscribe to your channel. I was recently diagnosed with disorganized attachment, which is the rarest attachment style I have read. With you being the same, I can relate.
The way you’ve explained EFT makes a lot more sense than what I’ve heard in the past. I’ve only ever seen people tapping while saying affirmations and thought that’s all it was. So I gave up on it when that did nothing for me. But what you shared about visualizing the things about connection that scare me… that sounds like it might actually work! I’m excited to try! Thank you. ❤
Thank you! Your channel helped me understand I have an anxious avoidant attachment style after so many years. I’ve now begun tapping every night before bed in the hopes of healing and reprogramming my mindset.
I do hope you find more and more relief and healing!
Instant follow! So excited to find out about you and your channel. Thank you. :)
Happy to have you here.❤
So useful thank you!
Thank you!!!
Thank you so much Paulinfor these wonderful videos. They are valuable, since I am dealing with a breakout from a few full avoidant who broke my heart and left me with so many questions, since our relationship was so wonderful and so loving. He said he couldn’t love himself and doesn’t respect himself, so I had a deep dive into trying to understand that since he said he loved me, but not himself. He’s dealing with major depression after seeing his father betray his mother and seeing his wife betray him multiple times. And he’s such a wonderful person dealing with so much hurt and depression and dealing that he’s not a good dad and his children are depressed
I love your videos!
It’s the “give yourself 30 seconds because I know you need a guideline” 💖
I love EFT too Pauline! The Handpicked Life is who I signed up with.
Omgnesss this is crazzyyyy. I've been working to heal my fearful avoidant attachment style for a few years and have gotten a lot of headway but just last week I found EFT again (I had tried before but fell off) and omgness the amount it has helped me has been insane. I thought it was just me and it was in my mind.. so to hear you saying this. SUCH confirmation!!!! 😭Aagghhhh thanks so much Paulien!!!! Okay I had to pause the video there because I was too surprised lol. I'll go back and continue now lolll
Thank you, i'll definitely try this
Thank you very much. I will try it out and let you know. ❤
I love this and I think it comes alongside IFS (Internal Family Systems) and TIST (Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment)
Thank you so much for this. It’s incredible to finally be understood after seeking for so long and making the same patterns and mistakes over and over again
Thank you for being here❤
I am so thankful for your channel. Just know, you have helped me where no other book, seminar, therapy session, biblio-therapy attempt etc was able to.
Thank you so much, this keeps me motivated to continue!
So useful, so informative. Practical advice. Life changing information. Thank you
You are so very welcome! Thank you for being here❤
Thankyou so much
Please translate your program into English! Sooo thankful for your wisdom compassion experience and support in healing this! I appreciate you beyond words!
Dear Pauline, such a heart felt thank you! For all your help, your sincerity, your vulnerability. Such a positive vibe from you! I just realized I am dating a f-a boyfriend, and I love him, he is such a great person. But what I took personally before our break-up, and now when I found all this information, it changes so much for me. I just thought he does not love me, which probably is not true. Thank you 🙏🏻
So happy i found your chanell. Well maybe a year too late, when i was experiencing excatly the same as you are describing... But sadly ended the first secure relationship i had. But it send me on this path of discovering everything about attahment styles, so i guess it served for something... I also went to psychoterapist last year and surprisingly enough she is an eft practicioner. I just never used this way, i am no commited to do at least one tapping per day, and i found out it works best if i do it in my native language. With your help i am finally discovering the true power of eft. Thank you for creating all this videos, very helpful! :)
So happy to have you here and amazing that you are on your healing journey❤
I want to feel confident and secure
you are amazing 😊 close to the end of that video I received a mesagge about teaching dutch to an Slovene, and I first thought I misshear you saying you have video in Duthc 😇🙈🙃 but I kinda felt when watching your fist video, that you could be Dutch,but I didn't look it up 😊 my mom is slovene and my father is dutch
I'm definitely Dutch! Wat leuk dat je er bent :)
I'm going to do this every day whenever I can lol
Thank you for this. I only recently realized this about myself and how I self sabotaged so many good relationships over course of 50 years and how many abusive relationships I stayed in for fear they'd leave.
You are so very welcome, i am happy to hear my content is valuable. Its never too late to learn and heal ❤
i hope this doesnt come off weird, but i think ure absolutely gorgeous! thank u for the content, it's very insightful!
Haha you're sweet! I'm so happy you are here!
You are SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PERSON!!! And when I thought that I meant your grace is a breath of fresh air! Don't stop with these videos I am Avoidant, although I have been in psychotherapy most of my life by my own choice because I think it is nuts not to want self growth.....The resident physicians rotate and I have seen soooo many lightbulb's go off in some of the smartest people in medicine :) Helping people is infinitely worth it!
You’re so encouraging!! Thank you!! Yes, I would very much like your study program in English. Judy-a fellow fearful-avoidant. Suffering 73 years. God richly Bless u for caring and helping others. ❤️❤️
I love this so much. So happy you are here Judy!!
I am a student of A Course In Miracles and I LOVE your process. I know it works because your process correlates with spiritual psychology. In the Course Jesus teaches responsibility for sight. He wants us to take responsibility for our perceptions. He says the ego (fear brain) is always looking to be mistreated in order that it may mistreat or "attack back." When you are visualizing being Loved, that is actually the acceptance of God's Love. God's Love shines through everyone and and everything, IF we are willing to "see" it. The resistance you spoke of, is the resistance the ego throws up in our mind in order to keep us from releasing IT. You are describing the alchemy of turning fear (unconscious fear of God's Love) to Love (accepting it!) !!! Bless you and thank you. I am going to go right now and do your process with as many Souls that cross my mind.
This video is SO long, and I still feel like there's so much more to discuss! Was this helpful for you? Would you like to know more? Let me know in the comments!
Also, are you ready to truly heal?
The Healed & Happy online program is now OPEN:
healingthefearfulavoidant.com/healedandhappy/
Is it only in romantic relationships??
Because I do this in my friendships and all other relationships as well.I feel like I dont love people enough.I am a bad person.Everyone loves their parents friends partners so much.But I dont feel that intensity with anybody.I feel numb many many times.Before I could never even imagine my father getting hurt in the smallest way.I loved him so much.But now if I think I feel numb and uncaring to everyone around me.I feel scared and like a bad person.Is it because of fearful avoidant.
This is such a good question! Sometimes it's just your romantic relationship, sometimes it can be with all your relationships. What you describe is the shutdown, which can be the dismissive side of fearful avoidant attachment. You are protecting yourself by not allowing yourself to feel too much. It can lead to you feeling like a bad person, because you think: "shouldn't I love my family? My friends?". But shutting down your feelings can happen when you are afraid to lose someone, to be rejected. You are protecting yourself from the pain by not feeling too intensely. It's not you, it's a protective mechanism. There's nothing wrong with you :)
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thanks so much for replying 😭💓
@@moulee7448 Hey :) I have the exact same problems, could you solve your protection mechanism Kind of?
Picture of what sorry?
thank you so much
You’re absolutely Gorgeous !!😍
This made me feel so seen, it was like you were pulling thoughts out of my brain. From the feeling weird about your boyfriend, to being scared that the year of healing and therapy would make you "realize" you wanted to leave him, it was like hitting the nail on the head for me. I'm so glad I found this video. I am currently doing EMDR therapy to heal some relational trauma I have, as well as trying to navigate my OCD, but I think I'm going to try to integrate EFT into my healing. How long would you say it takes to see results in breaking down your resistance and feeling more love?
Hey Madi, this video also has made me feel seen and my therapist said I have this attachment style as well, I noticed that you’re doing EMDR…I’m curious as to how long did it take for your therapist to actually get you into EMDR, so I’ve been in therapy for months now and my therapist is very good but he says I’m not ready for it and how is it helping you?
❤❤thankyouuu
Hey Nederlander! Bedankt voor de video :)
Could you make a separate group of the videos with actual tapping? They are deeply helpful. I found 2 but worry I missed some.
It’s crazy how you figure out that you grew up with an abuser, a psychopath. Then you meet more of them.
thanks a lot for sharing. It is so useful to finally have someone articulate the experience you have been going through for years. I've been going and changing therapists for years, but have never had someone narrow it down so clearly for me. However, I do have a question, as you mentioned most of the work you have done was eft. What about your partner? Did he also have an avoidant attachment style? Did he also try eft? I am now in a relationship where both of us seem to go through the same attachment style, which is new for both of us, almost like we are mirrors. How did your partner handle his own blockages? I hope you don't mind the question :) Warmly,
Thank you so much for making these videos. You’ve given me hope after many years of feeling broken and inadequate. 🧡
I do have a question about visualizing - am I supposed to be visualizing while tapping and not saying anything? As opposed to the whole ‘even though I… I fully love and accept myself’ or should the visualizing be simultaneous to talking about the specific pattern/fear I’m trying to release?
Also if there was an English program I would 100% join.
Ah in the program I will take you through those visualizations in detail! But for now: Try visualizing, letting the feelings come up, while you tap the points. That's it. You don't have to say anything! I hope that helps. And there will be an English program, you can sign up for the waitlist right here: lang-gelukkig.ck.page/061cf03b63
Would absolutely love a programme translated. Really value your videos and will start practicing EFT :-) Thank you Paulien
Ah let me know how your practicing goes! And I actually make a whole new programme, specifically tailored to the needs of the community here on this channel. If I would do that, would you be willing to answer a few questions for me over a zoom call? Without having to buy the programme ofcourse. Just want to make sure I make the absolute best one.
Thank you for your informed opinion
Hey, can I ask what sources you used to learn about this attachment style? Because it seems mainstream books do not have enough information on it and yours is very in-depth
I want to try this…
Thank you so much for sharing this topic. You mentioned your first book. Could we know it was published? Thanks
It's all in Dutch! Who knows, maybe in the future there will be one in English :)
❤️
💖💖
Dear Paulien, many thanks for sharing your experience. Do you think this method can be used in dismissive avoidant type of attachment?
Absolutely! Slightly different core wounds etc, but the method will work just the same
Hi Paulien! The emotional freedom technique is what they called "haptonomie" here in The Netherlands? I have been following this therapy since some months ago.
When you talk about “tapping” can you explain? Meaning, where do you tap? Etc
Hello, thank you for this video. Where can I find the EFT tapping video that I can use while visualizing? I have the exact same situation you have talked about where I have resistance, fear of abandonment, when he tries to kiss me.
do you have copies of your book in english available?
So so so painful just listening to this without actually doing anything. Feels like my heart is being ripped apart. At the very least my nervous system isn't shutting me out like it used to do...
Hi Pauline, do you have some insights for FA healing when you're in a breakup trauma and you are single?
You speak a lot about having that vivid picture of intimacy with your partner but I cannot longer do that since I'm single now (and grieving)
Thank you!
I was imagining to do it in a way of…living as if. Like, as if the honeymoon is forever & ever & ever.
Hello do you have a tapping video for the fearful avoidant please there isn't any on UA-cam x
There is a tap in this video: ua-cam.com/video/2yHIM3TbBXg/v-deo.html
Hope that helps!
Do you need to use words of affirmation or just the visual?
how does you think my fealful avoidant person will react if i send her this? should i do it or not?
Pauline will EFT work for the Dismissive Avoidant?
EFT is amazing. English please.
Hi Paulien, how long is the wait for the online program? :)
So hard to say! I'm working on it, and I thiiink it will be ready to launch in the summer. I'm doing my best to get it to you as fast as possible! Are you on the waitlist yet? That's where you'll probably hear it first!
You're wonderful.... thank you so much...
Did you ever wind up making a program in English?
I'm making it as we speak!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870
I just found your waiting list page....
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 where is waiting list page? Thanks, Judy
Hi Judy! It's right here: lang-gelukkig.ck.page/061cf03b63
What if you are so isolated in your attachment and you don’t have anyone to practice this with?
How often do i tap? Do i tap even if im not triggered in order to heal these traumas? Thanks by d way for this video. Namaste. ❤️
Yes, there's two main ways to use tapping: whenever you are triggered, and whenever you have time to dive a little bit deeper and work on healing your trauma's! But even just using it in the moments you are triggered helps tremendously!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thanks Paulien. Im finding inspiration in you. I am fearful avoidant too and im still grieving. I want to heal so bad and live the best version of myself. Relationships always lead me to depression and it was just recently that i realized why. Do you have book in English regarding your healing journey that might help me?
No English book yet! If that would ever come in the future, you would hear it here!