How To Respond When A Lover Withdraws [Avoidant Attachment]
Вставка
- Опубліковано 5 лип 2024
- Have you ever had the experience of needing and wanting closeness with a partner, but sometimes that need actually triggers your partner to want more space and pull away?
Maybe you are hesitant to call them "emotionally unavailable" because you know WHY they need the space, and you have sympathy for that, but it leaves you with a sick feeling in your stomach like, "How do I manage this, so I honor my partner's needs, and I don't unwittingly sabotage what we have with my good intentions?"
If this sounds like you, you are going to want to watch this 8 minute video!
In it, we talk about the action of inaction, and how to weather the storm of feeling like you've switched into "doing" or "fix it" mode.
We also explore 3 types of empathy, and how they can get us into trouble in these situations.
⭐WANT TO LEARN MORE? ⭐
Take the attachment styles quiz:
bit.ly/4LuvStylesYT
*********************************
OTHER WAYS TO CONNECT…
Join our community on Instagram.
👉 @brianamacwilliam 🌎
👉 @brianamacwilliam 🌎
👉 @brianamacwilliam 🌎
*********************************
Website: www.brianamacwilliam.com/
Uf no. Enough of these type of guys. I was the helper before and I didn’t know how to give space. Now I knock ✊ to check if they are ready to get out of their caves 😅 but not taking it more personal...and now I am giving compassion and space and it’s not triggering me so much. I have been working 5 years in healing my inner wounds and now I feel not attracted anymore to that. Hope that life is bringing me a secure person as I am getting more secure. No more pain!
Same😒❤🙏🏻🤗😂
Good for you girl
Avoidants need to Show Up and they also have to try Not to withdraw! It's Not Always the anxious persons responsibility! Both need to do the work! But that means they also need to Work on Not giving in to their triggers!
Exactly! I totally agree. You hit the nail on the head. I made the exact same point under another UA-cam channel.
Will never happen 😂
@@Ytdeletesallmycomments seems quite like it sadly
Relationship with an avoidant attachment is really draining especially when i am an anxious attachment. I am so tired trying to control my emotions..
He left me in March right before his birthday... . I guess i suffocated him with my anxiousness.
Tuxedo Mask it hurts but you will learn to move on and forget and cry a lil along the way 🥺
Violet Crush hey hun I’m going through the same thing, I hope you’re okay!!? I’m here if you ever need or want someone to talk to
Universal Sparkle thank you so much for the kind gesture. I am much better now, I don’t think about him that much anymore. Been just busy loving myself first 😁 and hopefully I won’t make the same mistake again l..
Universal Sparkle also maybe he wasn’t really an avoidant attachment, he just didn’t love me or want me enough.
WHY SHOULD YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PUT SOMEONE ELSES NEEDS FIRST? SURE FIRE WAY OF DRAINING THE SOUL RIGHT OUT OF YOUR BODY!!
Hindsight being 20/20...I'm glad my anxious ass got away from her avoidance. It was draining for both of us and she quite literally did me a favor. She couldn't touch, demonstrate affection, reassure/console, establish intimacy, or lay a foundation of trust. She also couldn't communicate any of her needs. The physical aspects of our relationship were also simultaneously awful...trauma ruined that part for us both. I fail to see now what either of us got out of it. Had we been equipped with this knowledge of ourselves and each other...maybe things would've been different. My only regret now is that I wish I walked away sooner to have had a little more of life to explore.
Wow I’m a fix it empath.... makes so much sense
Am experiencing it for the first time and it feels awful. Am not exactly anxious, but I cracked open like a nut. In my first experience of this kind of feeling, it was reciprocal so we enjoyed love like in fantasy.
I cracked open again after about 25 years of this experience and I thought it was going to be the same experience. No. This time the man is an avoidant. Doesn't show emotion, distant any time he feels like, not reassuring, never consoling, tries to make me feel guilty for his actions. Its drained me so bad, it's not possible to tell what he wants. But he comes around to take any time he was ready. Foot enough in the door so I don't close it. And he knows how to keep the foot in. It's frustrating and very painful. I am trying to take stock, and make a decision that will best suit me.
@@exonamjemimalorenz3956 I’m in the same situation 😢
@@shelbyhirsch7345 very good thoughts. I wish I had left earlier too.
I’m going through this now…
Stop tolerating these types of people
Dump them and tell them to get therapy
They don't get better. They only get worse. Run!
I'm anxious leaning fearful avoidant, and I have worked so hard on myself and paid thousands in therapy and workshops at this point to get to where I am, not quite secure but I see through the BS and though I'm still a bit subconsciously attracted, I've healed a lot of those wounds and shown a light on them so if I see a sign of dismissive avoidance, I don't bother, I can feel myself get triggered, I do all the processing work on my end but if I see inconsistencies in patterns and the words and the actions don't line up, friends or potential romantic partners, I walk away. Still single (lol) but at least not anxious and triggered. The less time I spend on people like this, the more I can be open to people who line up with me.
Yes, seek what gives you joy outside the relationship. so helpful, thanks.
I love this and you. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom
Them selfs so whole life 😂
It takes a special kind of Being to work through that...
Great info! I'm venturing into creating some tips on handling avoidance in relationships. Thanks for the vid!! I'm subbed too...love the thumbnails too!😁😁👍
Christian Lamb Thank you 🙏 ❤️
My response: hi I'm tired of this cat and mouse, bye. Btw I'm fearful avoidant he is pure avoidant ,as half of everything I can't deal with that, so to all anxious preoccupated there, LEAVE.
We just need to learn how to effectively hold space for someone, let them breathe and take their time to talk. No matter how hard it is. Or if they struggle to find and speak the words, try pen and paper. We are responsible for taking care of ourselves but we can skilfully elevate our partners to enable them into actively heal themselves
I hate this, I mute my phone to avoid the pain when she is distant and avoidant. But I start to worry that I may unintentionally hurt her feelings if I am not there at the drop of a hat. This whole thing drives me insane, and I am in my head way more than I want. I feel secondary trauma and I shut off feelings like they do, I don't want that I want to be me and I am happy and feel things. But, I can't leave without experiencing crippling depression, I can't leave and I can't stay, I am stuck!
I'm in the same position. Im a anxiously attached and she is a DA and she went distant last week on text and in person. It caught me by surprise and it kills me to not be able to get something out of her or communicate whats wrong and how I can fix it. Ive recently came across these videos and im trying to give her some space even though she didn't ask for it and told her I loved her and im here for her a day ago and have been leaving her alone. I hope she isn't really thinking about giving up on the relationship
@@isaiahknecht652 I’m in a similar position, he recently went distant on me unexpectedly so I’ve been researching and now I know he’s DA. I’ve been giving space. This is awful, but I’m focusing on not taking it personally. I don’t know what else to do.
@@AL-yq6kr it is awful especially for AA people because its so damn hard not to feel like shit and not to be able to fix things. I love her so much but my heart aches because its assuming it's gonna get hurt and yet I still hang on anyway
@@isaiahknecht652 I’m such a fixer, I’ve thought about reaching out to tell him about attachment styles... this isn’t healthy. He would call me every night and now nothing and I live alone. I feel so horrible.
@@AL-yq6kr i feel horrible too. As much as it feels wrong to me even though it isn't ive been trying to figure myself out and try to be less codependant. Not saying that you are. Because unfortunately if we don't work on ourselves we will probably keep retriggering our DA partners. And its hard for me to accept that but I have to do it for me
awesome video!.. and after a relationship with an "fearful avoindant" i feel very much related.The relationship has ended but has left me with a very clear insight of this attachment style and also help me to discover mine i think.... But i was always asking this question myself, it is possible that a relationship with an fearful avoidant can trigger anxiety even when you never had it before in any of your past relationships? I have tried to understand for long time the mechanics of the "push/pull" of the ,avoidants, went through all the stages, from the beginning to think it was personal or bad when they pulled away, to research and understand this style and become very patient with it giving "space" without conflict every time she pulled away. But it is also possible that " fearful avoidants" mimic a little bit of narcissistic personality? Thank you!
You are so good!
Let them. If you have offered to be there for them and they rejected it- get on with your life as best you can. Find other avenues for your empathy and service.
I seriously wonder what it is like to be in a loving relationship with a secure attachment person (I have an anxious attachment). I will say, though, I met a guy last year and he just knew how to actually communicate -- and I felt so seen and loved. Also, I wonder if a lot avoidant types are aware that the things they do are dysfunctional? I definitely am learning more and more that my attachment style has been dysfunctional and affects all of my relationships -- from work to romantic.
As a fearful avoidant, I can tell you that I did not know my feelings and actions were dysfunctional until I found out about the different attachment styles. Now that I'm aware and know what secure attachment looks like, I've also become more secure.
I was in a very long relationship with a secure many years before I met the now ex DA. I had never been with a DA before and had no idea about attachment styles. He brought out anxiousness in me in a way I had never experienced before. It was awful and even affected my health. When I was in the long-term secure relationship I never had to think about the relationship. It is hard to describe but I had no worries at all about him leaving me, or not getting my needs met or wondering what he was feeling/thinking. It just flowed. We communicated all the time. We could have fights and conflict and laugh in the middle of them. We knew that a fight didn't mean it was over, they just needed to be worked through. We had plans for the future and built our lives together. The experience with the ex DA on the other hand, holy cow, what an awful experience. I don't think he has a clue about how his actions affect other people.
I wonder the same thing myself
@@sarahdoe8512 Why did you broke up with your secure?
I think it just depends on the person. I have one Avoidant ex gf who knows that she’s emotionally unavailable, and wants to change. And I also have another ex gf who doesn’t care who it effects, that’s just the way she is, no desire to change, too bad so sad. I don’t have time for that. But I am friends with the first mentioned ex, and we have good communication. If she wants to deactivate, she tells me ahead of time, and I let her go. And you know what, she always comes back. I’m just glad that I’m not as attached as I was before. I’m definitely becoming more secure, and I’m glad because otherwise, it probably would be one painful experience after another.
Thank you for your video! I would love to hear your views on how to handle the situation when he does come back to you. Going about your relationship like nothing happened because you don't want to trigger them again is probably a bad idea as you want to be able to address the matter and find ways to work with it. Right?
Exactly that. How's it going now?
Why does my avoidant put so much more value on the relationship with his father and brother who always treat him badly, and his friends who don’t challenge him to grow emotionally, I know it’s because he doesn’t want to always feel the growing pains I unfortunately bring as he’s gotten feelings for me, but it makes me feel like no matter how much I show him love and understanding that he doesn’t get elsewhere I am not special enough to not be put in last place. He vocalized how much he tells me that he doesn’t tell other people so it just makes me feel like I’m never going to actually get chosen above the friends or family. There’s also a layer where he is not out of the closest and is terrified of those people leaving him so I’m left always wondering if he would choose me over those people when the time comes to really need to make decisions for the future. I feel like he’s more scared of losing the bad relationships in his life than losing the good ones.
I've dated two dismissive avoidants in my lifetime. In both instances, they appeared very close to their own family. I'm hypothesizing that they feel a sense of comfort with their family. They feel "safe" with them. They're unaware that it was someone in their family that actually made them dismissive avoidant. They don't know what a healthy love looks like and think this "safe" albeit dysfunctional love from their family is real love. They don't know any better in other words. They spend their life rejecting the real, healthy love we can give them.
wow this video was fucking eye opening! thanks subscribed!
I'm a new subscriber, love your videos and specially the ones on attachment styles. It'd be awesome if you could make a video with tips on what to say if your partner is avoidant, it's so hard to connect and it just hurts because avoidant people don't seem to want to compromise or work on stuff like people with anxious attachment (or like you say; open heart).
Or maybe it's better to just look for another person who's not so avoidant? Thanks Briana! ♥️♥️♥️
Tracy Haryklit Thank you for watching and for commenting. I think you might like this video. ua-cam.com/video/r5RwfaxM5WE/v-deo.html also, in the caption of the video above, there is a special sale going on for a course that Explicitly teaches communication with a partner, taking attachment styles into consideration. It’s called “relationship rescue, a tool kit for healthy communication in unstable relationships.” You can check it out here: bit.ly/RRPreSale2019
Thanks so much I will watch that video now and I'll look into that course, seems interesting! Love your hair in this video too by the way!
Tell him to fof
Avoidant's are a muck! Find a better person!
Say byeee and no rush to return
I feel like The Fix-It Empath myself.
I wish i saw this two days ago.
What should i text if the DA has distanced over a day? Should i wait or call her out? Its frustrating 😏
BM totally lost the plot after the list of things not to say, and never actually addressed the question besides don’t try to fix the avoidant person. Such a key question for many I’m sure... I wish she had given a more clear script of things one might say and how to hold space for your partner while not hurting yourself. #disappointed
Cristina Lee Thank you for watching and for commenting. I think that you would probably be better served by this playlist. If you’re looking for more specificity. “Communication”
ua-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPNOMfwMvup2Ayo7AXSkAG2.html
Hi so after almost he pulled says its him not me. But still wants to keep in touch by phone. Should I try to get him back somehow ty?
Soo he pulled back after almost 7months and wonder if I should try to get him back.or is it hopeless I am sure he is a DA
What other things, other than relationships, do avoidants tend to avoid?
Ditto 👏🏼 What she said ⤵️🙏🏼💗💡🧿
How to tell if you are an avoidant instead of lack of interest?
I supposed when you are avoidant, it can feel like lack of interest because you may create lots of reasons to convince yourself that you are not interested.
If it is a genuine lack of interest, you would feel at peace with yourself (I think). Otherwise, there's probably something inside you brewing that will explode after there is no contact for a while.
hot hairstyle briana
I don’t get why not many likes??
Pretty sure the woman I was dating was Avoidant type. My phone broke, I lost her number, then she took it as an opportunity to ghost me after she learned I lost her number. :C
Kissed me like a movie scene then disappeared.
Or she just wasn't interested...
You never answered the question just spouted off all your psychological knowledge. Just answer the question.
thanks for sharing how you felt about the response. If you could elaborate on the kind of answer you're looking for, it would help me tailor future content more closely to your expectations. It's always good to know how people are absorbing the information. Cheers!
4:56 🤯👌🏻✨