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This guilt trip can create people to get in relationships where they’re constantly doing things so the other person loves them not realizing that they’re with a narcissist, and they’re bending over backwards, trying to fix the relationship with a narcissist does what he wants when he wants steals, money, hides things cheats, and all you’re doing is catering to them like a slave with unconditional love, trying to show them that you love them Meanwhile, they’re drilling holes in the boat when you’re not looking
Yeah, you should be appreciate it for what you do for your kids but you shouldn’t expect anything back but you would think that your kids love you enough to reciprocate that usually not when the raised in Narcissistic household most the time they end up, becoming like one of the parents or both the parents if they were narcissist. I also agree that it is a paren’s job to take care of the kids without wanting something back. That’s just a normal parent reaction but if the child loves the parent you would think they would be around. I wanna spend time with them, but not always begin. When you have kids it’s about them not you.
I remember the silent treatments. They would go on forever….until I made the first move. Even into my adulthood. I was the sensitive one. Mom didn’t try it with my brother and sister…just me, because it so obviously ate away at me until I would apologize. Even if I didn’t feel I did anything wrong. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone.
My mother once told me that all her children had been a great disappointment to her and our father. I replied that I hoped she might find comfort in reflecting that we were disappointed in them, too.
They most definitely do! In understanding or having to interact with these people, we must first understand that when the acknowledgement of fault is not an option, nor is behavioral change…
Well said. Many people may find their selves crying out for live and attention. I don't see that as narcissism. I see neglecting those you should live as narcissism.
Expecting you to be respectful after totally being abused How on earth can we fall in this trap ? Brainwashing since childhood ? The vail is off no rosey glasses. I have often wondered if my German roots is why? Why they have made my living as difficult and desperate as they can ? Including my imprisonment by lies my children now suffer because of they're gaslighting . It hurts Needless suffering pisses me right!
And also BLAME YOU for your response to what they just caused! It's maddening! My partner thinks I should just be able to " ignore it, it's JUST WORDS your not getting hit"....
They want u to feel bad for not wanting to be around them. They hate when u don't listen to their lies. They hate seeing us living peacefully. Thank u Doc for this great video!!!
My mother would say that if I am not around and be social enough, that I would end up becoming like my father...😂 Which I couldn't care less, because she used to be worse than him as a person!🤣💁♀️🤷♀️
"Family is family... no matter what." "You never turn your back on family... no matter what." This is one of the biggest warning flags of a narcissist family system. These are the types of "narcissist slogans" to keep a person trapped/stuck within the system through guilt. It implies that you can't detach from someone who is toxic, based on "who" they are in relation to you, this is most typically applied to a parent, a child, a sibling, but can be used in regard to any relative. As an adult, you are not obligated to anyone based on "who" they are or how they're related to you. And, you don't owe anyone an explanation either, though they will insist you do. They want an explanation for their own reasons, and those reasons are never good or in your best interests, so don't give them the satisfaction, they don't deserve one. And giving any explanation isn't going to accomplish anything, other than giving them an invitation to try using it to get you to submit, or ammunition for their malicious campaign to protect their own character, while destroying yours. Let them stew in their own mess. Most importantly, do not gossip to others, especially other family/friends about the situation, because it will only make everything worse. If anyone asks, just let them know you're not open to talk about it, it's a private matter between you and the other individual. Don't feel you need to defend yourself, because this will only help the toxic individual destroy you, Let them do all the bad mouthing, blaming, etc, because those who will listen to and/or believe them, were never worth your time anyway, and they're not worth interacting with either. And for those who will say "I wish you two would make up", politely let them know it's not about them, it's a private matter, and frankly none of their concern or business.
Very well said. One thing I still struggle with is always the need to explain or defend myself. It’s as if I need to be validated-that my decision or opinion can’t stand on its own. That’s insecurity.
This is the one right here!!! I was told the same thing and I politely responded with No I don’t have to put up with anyone matters who they are or supposed to be to me and my mom got very upset with me because she can’t control me or my thinking!! But they say things like this to root it into your brain but it’s up to us if we let it work… I will never allow it to work on me or my children!!
the "narcissistic slogan" is what I used to get from mom: "we are a family" for their convinence (_) preserving the idea and projection of a traditional family but also a cosmopolitan one which I decided (consciously or unconsciously) to live by I moved abroad to set boundaries but I had to build character and discipline it was a hard process, losses, defeats, but also "miracles", victories, successes, along the way thanks to the Pandemic (that was my awakening - almost full awake!!, although painful and financially draining) I finally realized who I am dealing with (family members) Doctor Wise expresses clearly and consistently - thank you 🎉
@@donnamartaofficial9903 you should be very proud of yourself, because finding your way out of these situations is a huge accomplishment in life. It takes A LOT of, well... everything you've got, and it's very heavily taxing in every way, the mental exhaustion is very real. Once you're finally free, you also find a very different perspective toward life.
I don't know. I went no contact because that's what the experts recommend online. But I didn't have an alternative tribe so total loneliness was much worse than dealing with their dysfunction. I am a lot happier being in contact with my dysfunctional family as at this age creating a new community seems impossibile in the current culture.
Oh yes, I know that feeling. I suppose we feel guilty bc we disconnect. We feel guilty for disconnecting. Obviously there is a reason for disconnecting on OUR part. I understand what you are saying 💯
Wow same here! Yes they try to drag you downhill like they are, by guilting you and shaming you for who you are. But the more you distance yourself, the better you feel!
The silent treatment. My dad has been giving me the silent treatment for ONE YEAR for daring to have a different opinion. I will no longer play his games, and won't be reaching out to him. I'm done. I'm in my 40s and played his games long enough.
Absolutely! They think they're entitled to a parent of the year nomination for doing the minimum they are legally required to do, under the threat of criminal charges and possible jail time if they didn't. Good for you for standing up to your mother! 💪
OMFG I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME. Wooow, my belief for them all acting and saying the same things is they are all of the same dem0nic entity. (Had to sensor FOR YT)
Both my parents, and later my (now former) father-in-law would regularly use all of these manipulative tactics. Removing all of them from my life improved it exponentially.
My parents guilt tripped me for leaving home despite them basically chasing me out and giving my room away immediately to another sibling, but guilt tripped for occasionally asking for money while trying to survive without support. I 'chose' to leave them despite it being a terrible Cinderella style lifestyle, of me being their babysitter. And then never really inviting me back after the first year of adjusting without my help, and their younger children growing older. The money they gave me total is far less than what they gave to other children. For example, they gave my sister a new pickup truck and full college tuition. They never even discussed college with me as a teenager. Whatever 😂😂😂
@@joesmith733 I was the only child, but a lot of similarities with your experiences. I also left home at 17 to join the Army and eventually pay for all my own college, bachelors and masters. My parents didn't provide even a dime ... yet still attempted to guilt me about how much I owed them because their raising me made me successful.
My narc parent throws the fact they waited in a long line at Christmas to get me a present that they thought I would like when I was 4. Who turns a "gift" into a life long thorn in your side? To this day i always feel uneasy about accepting a gift
My mother told me she took out a 15 year pension so she could spend it all up and leave none behind. Now she is almost out of income and guilting me for financial support. She wanted to make sure she didnt leave me anything im not allowing her financial burden on me. Before i may have fallen into this guilt trip 😊
I had most all of the guilt trips discussed here. I finally reached a point of seeing I wouldn’t ever be enough to satisfy my family of origin. If I am so disappointing and I never did or do anything that pleases them, then I can remove myself from this relationship. I will stop being their burden and wash my hands of wasting my love and energy on those who simply don’t appreciate me or treat me well. I’m tired of fake love and being treated like shit whenever I did anything to be a kind peacemaker. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel guilty once in a while because I cut off my entire bloodline and common friends so that I wouldn’t have the flying monkeys to deal with, but I have a hidden file with messages, letters and hurtful birthday cards so I can remember that they will not change and I can’t fix them.
Even if they changed now, would you want them back? How many years have they been treating you badly? How much toxic shame have you carried and for how long? How much has all this ordeal affected your life? Two of my four immediate family members have changed their attitudes towards me, but it took: > me moving as far away as I could to get away from them and it SEVERELY impacted my finances > me being perpetually single for years due to toxic shame > me losing countless opportunities for years due to the isolation they forced me to > me taking 4 extra years to get my 5-year Diploma due to my father's DAILY sabotage and abuse (including physical ON A WEEKLY BASIS) and no (adult) sibling a damn. Yeah, two of my three siblings realized they were a mess all along and have changed. But do I really want to hang out with people who took them to their LATE 30s to realize it is rude to "jokingly" insult their youngest sibling? Or people who used guilt trips to keep their youngest sibling exposed to abusers because they knew they were next in line? Well, NO.
@@31minutesago Maybe a phony line about something that they previously kept insulting them about. "My beautiful/strong/smart son/daughter", a promise they didn't keep so that memory the card mentioned didn't exist etc? The opposite of what they said or did in real life basically.
My mother had the ultimate guilt trip up her sleeve. When I got through difficult teenage years being constantly goated ( I left home at 16 - long story) I managed to get a good job and started to feel good about myself for the first time ever. I began caring about my appearance and became reasonably attractive and self confident at age 21. She decided that this was the moment to tell me that I was meant to be a boy and that my name would have been Stefan. She said when I was born they didn't name me for a month as they were so shocked. And she said all this while laughing in my face. Then, in later years she totally denied saying it at all. When that bitch died the world became a better place over night.
Please never NEVER feel guilty, or be MADE to feel guilty for your last sentence. You are a survivor and indeed the World is a better place without evil parents.
This reminds me when I went to boot camp and didn't see my family for over two months. First thing she said to me was "wow, you lost your ass." Thanks, mom. Missed you too.
My Mom's favorite go to is "Your Grandparents would be so ashamed of you." She uses it on everyone. After listening to it for the 100th time, I said, "Nope.That old trick isn't going to work. It's funny how you can know the thoughts of the dead and put words in their mouths. In fact, Grandma H used to cry all of the time because of how you treat me. So, you Mom, she would be ashamed of you." And then I blocked her permanently.
Guilt is one of my most powerful triggers. My parents are in their 70s and I'm in my 20s. Ever since childhood, their "short lives" were thrown in my face as a way to guilt me into submission. If my parents aren't going to live long, why waste my time disappointing them? Letting this go is so freeing.
My narcissistic parents lived into their 90. I am 70 and that is not old at all. They are guilt tripping you. Now as an adult, you can live your own life.
OMG...You have no idea how I wish I knew you when I was a kid. The only thing that probably saved alot of my sanity, is moving out at age 14. My mothers favorite things to say to me was; 1) You owe me everything because I gave birth to you ( when she would just walk right into my home a take what ever she wanted ) 2) She hoped I had kids as rotten as me ( even though I was always the perfect child and young adult who was always there for her). 3) You're just like your father ( they divorced when I was 12) , when doing something for her. 4) She would always tell people how rotten I was and what a mooch I was when she never paid for anything for me, and I never took anything from anyone. You are describing her exactly. 👍
I'm so fed up with my mom, that when she gives me the silent treatment, I ignore her to a point that SHE comes back to talk to me. When she tells me I should be more like my sister I tell her it's too bad for her, cause I don't care about her opinions. When she tries to guilt me by saying I'm "giving" her depression, I tell her I'm proud to have that much power over her, and I brag that no one has such power over me. It works for now...
She will go to your siblings and say you are bullying her if you talk back or even if you give her advice or correct information (trivial) and if you mention stress to her she pretends to thrive on it while you can see it grinding her away in their hive mind prison
I make sure that my kids understand unequivocally that they don’t owe me anything at all and never will. I also tell them that I can take care of myself and when the time comes when I can’t, there’s a special button on my boat that I shall depress which will absolutely stop any dependence I may have in the future. Yes I’m an electrician with a special interest in pyrotechnics. They laugh when I say this and it makes me so proud that they get my dark sense of humour… Ahem…
Joking about your suicide to your kids is a huge burden (even if they laugh with you). Holy cow this is disturbing & a huge delusion of being better than your parents.
@@testtest2609 I know what you mean, this could cause another kind of trauma, but I must admit with my own parents expecting the world to pander to them, @Tryagain 205 made me laugh and felt super refreshing. It may depend how it’s said too.
We shouldn't explain ourselves. Either it's a total no contact or no discussion at all, because it's just giving them fuel. And never ever ask them to do theraphy together. NEVER EVER.
Deadbeat parents really do set you up for a lifetime of abuse because of the people-pleasing behaviour you NEEDED to learn to survive your childhood. It will take hard work and perseverance but you can recover. Praying for you, and everyone who experienced this at the hands of those who are supposed to love us.
Just spoke to my one last relative. He just blamed me. I am finally understanding the power of Smear campaign. Very very upsetting to see life unfold with everyone’s figures pointing against us. Complete NC is the only way to heal from this SHTF.
The guilt trip part hits very hard at home. When your family members make it crystal clear to you, that they don't want you around anymore, so you try to live a peacefull life away from the narcissism and the toxicity, they want to attack you back, by making you feel guilty for the choice you made by keeping your distance away from them. It's a sneaky technique they use, to make you go backwards instead of forward.
It’s not even just the debt and, sometimes, the over-assumption of how much debt. It is the acting as if there was never a debt, then springing it on the adult child, in later years. The debt is also deemed to be infinite. The narcissistic parent has decided you owe a debt, but it’s into perpetuity. Like, if they paid $5K for college, you just owe whatever they decide they need, forever. It’s like belong levied with a loan, with no payoff date and interest rates off the charts, making it clear that it’ll be paid off, when either you or them die.
I was dissociating on and off.. The one thing that I will talk about is the shame.. You could have a whole video on shame.. Specifically what the affects of shame does on people.. My guess is that growing up in a shaming family that I accept and tolerate way too much shame..
I experienced non-silent treatment. She just couldn't shut up, escalating all day from a spilled milk in the morning to regretful life choices in the evening.
If u would have told her U were sick in bed unable to do anything, she would have been pleased & happy or mad that your sick so U can't go to Moms. Dammed if ya do. Dammed if ya dont
I never told anybody that story. I studied in a private engineering school. One day I went back to my school to get a copy of my degree and the director told me that my fees were not paid in full. I was surprised and asked him how much was missing. It was huge, it was thousands upon thousands of euros. He said he never said anything to me and let me have a my degree because I had good grades. I thanked him but felt ashamed. He gave me the document I needed and we just agreed that I would start settling the debt as soon as I am able which I did in first priority. I am forever grateful to that man. After that whenever my mother says "I paid for your private school etc..." I am so resentful because she never said she didnt pay all of it and left a huge debt to me while still asking me more money from me....Sometimes I really wonder why people treat each other like that even in your own family
ironically my parents cured me of their guilt trips. They both in their own way carried it one step too far and opened my eyes. For example I lost my job, was loosing my first home, had to pack and move across the country with a severe migraine attack and she says, "It always hurts worse when it happens to someone you love." So on top of everything else I get to feel guilty for giving her more pain than I am in? No guilt trip from her of any kind ever worked again because the memory of that day would pop in my head and remind me of what was really going on.
Well done! You describe a very familiar pattern. And it also got to the point where it left me feeling free from guilt. Something to be grateful for I suppose ...
My parents always were resentful for when I was happy such as going on camping vacations or having a good life with my husband. That’s why I don’t post much on social media because I feel they’re constantly judging me and when I see them, they look at me like I should be suffering with their miserable lives
My mom used triangulation with me and a child she had a miscarriage with my whole life. She would talk about 'her' all the time. It always made me feel she wished she had been born and not me or that she was the was the one who should be here not me. She would tell me of dreams of her. She would always mention if I had her, you wouldn't be here. They will triangulate you against anyone or anything. Dead or alive.
Awareness is half the battle. Knowing they commonly change the story to look good at our expense makes it easier to let it go, instead of trying with a "coca-cola (coo-coo)".
Yupp, when I asked them top stop calling me sensitive (a method of avoiding facing their lack of empathy). Mum - "think of your father". Dad "think of your mother". Brother "poor mum and dad". So, the way I show I am *thinking* of them is to have no reaction to their projections on to me. How do they show they care about me??¿ that never comes up. The onus is only on me to think of them. I dont feel guilty any more. I feel so angry.
Ooh, this burns me. I constantly heard the comparison growing up. I definitely have heard the victim many times as well. Comparing me to my brother, sister, friend, etc. always sending me videos about drinking more water, less sugar, healing the gut (I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease but it’s well controlled), and taking care of my skin (I’ve had eczema from childhood and it’s actually gotten much better with this). Oh, and the martyr…oh, the number of times I’ve heard that excuse!!! The silent treatment is used constantly to date. But honestly I’d rather have the peace than fight with my cover narc mother. Actually I think I’ve seen most, if not ALL these guilt trips along the way. The spiritual guilt. ALL. THE. TIME!! It was always “honor your father and mother!” But there’s the other verse that says do not provoke your children to wrath so they don’t become discouraged. And gaslighting too! More from my dad than my mother.
Same with my mother. She was a momster. Guilt trip Mary they called her. Always ready with the guilt trips and playing the victim. Victim Mary was another one of her identities. “Do as I say, not as I do”. I’m sorry you endured a narcissistic mother. It’s both awful and eye opening to know you’re not crazy when you finally see the truth of who and what they are. It’s like a cancer of the personality, a cancer of the soul. The spiritual guilt trips and gaslighting were the worst. Sending you healing vibes! We will rise above this abuse and take back our lives and create and honor our own individual identities. Shame on them for doing this to their own children. Hope they enjoy their karma when it comes due.
I had Narc parents and unknowingly married a narc who also had narc parents. I'm horribly Codependent. I left the narc, but my children were damaged from my codependency with their narc dad. Sometimes, I catch myself displaying narc behavior.
Yes, it's called "fleas" from the narcs you've been around
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My mom always used to say that when she was single she could do or have anything she wanted but getting married and having children was her end. That it was MY RESPONSIBILITY to Save her, to give her everything.
"That's what parents do" rings the most true for me ever now that I have children of my own. Not only do the guilt trips feel all the more absurd but it would be ridiculous of me to do anything but protect my children from feeling unwarranted guilt for anything I've done for them. "That's what parents do" 🙏 ❤️
I have experienced much of this in my narcissistic family system. Thankfully the Lord Jesus Christ helped me work through it all. Their tactics no longer work on me because I can see clearly.
Man, it took me years of being out of the house (at 25, college was rough on top of being in an emotionally abusive household) to realize just how awful my mother really was. I remember the first time i learned what gas lighting and emotional manipulation were and i nearly broke down from the realization that she was always like this. I suffered memory issues all my life, only to uncover in therapy that i was repressing memories in my childhood so much that it shredded my ability to remember. I have anxiety and depression and suicidal ideation because i was essentially free labor around the house and denied my own personhood, my own decisions in the matter. And i never even realized I've been trained to cave on any argument with minimal pushback, because it turns out years of being beaten and berated for daring to say no is traumatic and not normal. Go figure, but i never knew any other way. Even before therapy, i did remember that she used to say "you never do anything for this family" or "you're just so damn lazy", and it was always interpreted in my head as i need to be doing more and caring more for every one, because I'm not doing enough clearly. For my own mother to be yelling that right in my face, and so often, i really must be those things. It was only before moving out did i look back on all the incredible and frankly absurd things I've done and made even from a young age, that i realized that i wasn't lazy, and i did far more than enough for this family, and called her out on it finally. And she had the gall to say i must've been misremembering her calling me lazy, or that she was just joking when she said i never did anything for anyone.
My mother did this until I moved out permanently, and it turned off like a faucet. After that, she treated me with respect and in a healthy way, as if she had never done it!
I am about to move out soon myself. I just looking for an apartament. My parents went too far last time, when I asked my step mother to not vacuum at 7am at Saturday as not everyone waking up so early, she went into rage, then next day father went into rage ofer left plate in a sink and told "from some time I noticing you playing games with us and we don't like it, better look for an apartament until end of a year" .... They just kicked me out basically over just asking them to not vacuum at the morning... Lucky I found a cheap apartament and earning enough to live on my own. They have never notice anything I did for them, but try to say no to them or do something wrong in their eyes oh boy they going crazy and guilt tripping me how bad child I am as I do everything wrong and think only about myself -.-
@@ccdm515 The weirdest thing it is they are "nice and empathing" towards everyone else but me .... Like 2 different persons and with age they became worse and worse.
@@msbg8385I beg to differ. Mines come and control me in my own house. I'm 53 and she's 77. And she's doing her toxic things to my daughter. I've decided to go no contact.
Exactly the same. And when he saw that I wasn't sacrificing my life for him, he *sabotaged* my life in every aspect, so that I would be left with only him and nobody and nothing else. Joke's kinda on him though: He wasn't that old when he started sabotaging me. But, by the time I moved out in my late 20s, he had become quite frail and helpless. But, since he ruined my teens and 20s, I was determined to not let him ruin my 30s too: I went No Contact a few years after I moved out, the energy and effort I was supposed to put in to care for him in his old age, he had already spent it all many years before he actually started needing it.
I stoped chasing her approval tactic . and it’s driving her crazy . I’m so happy now I can perdict her emotions in advance like clock work . But it’s saddening to me that she will never understand what’s really going on in her life or ours 😢
You describe both my narcissistic parents perfectly. An endless bombardment of all of the above. I used to tell them as a kid, "There's no awards/medals for parenting" because they were always outraged and guilt tripping me for them needing to do anything remotely parental. Mom even went so far to tell me she never wanted me to begin with, and was upset when she was pregnant because it was "inconvenient" (she was in college). I told her, "It's not my fault." And I've had to back away from them because they bombarded me nonstop with guilt trips, comparisons, shame and blame. I built a career and good life despite them. Mom especially hates this. In old age, they lose because all that hostility, cruelty, punishing, shunning, etc taught me to let go and save myself. Good riddance. It's my life and they can't have it. Their threats mean nothing to me, they have no power over me anymore..and they know it. Life goes on and I heal now in peace.
Oh wow. I never even got as much as one bday party. No vacays. No “day trips “. No family time. Nothing. Nadda. Just got ignored while they went to hockey games or convention trips or Sat night parties for them and their friends with strip teases and skinny dips. We also got physically beat or ignored with many silent treatments from my mother for sometimes years. Well. I got the silent treatments when I called them out when they lied about me or accused me falsely of things. My other sisters are golden because they don’t do that to them.
Our golden child was the cousin. Handsome, sports-oriented, dumb as an effing stump. Everything my father wanted. What he got in me was somebody he called ugly, had horrible eyesight and couldn't care less about sports, but got good grades, and has a dozen unique hobbies. On the up side, the cousin drank himself to death years ago. Dad's long gone, and Mom's going. My therapist is pretty supportive of the fact that my mourning periods are measured on a second hand. We did the "Looks Good On Paper" thing, so if you saw us on the outside, it seemed fine.
I've decided to join the Road to Self program today. I've heard enough testimonials of people well into their 50s and up saying how they regretted not having access to it sooner, to not want to be in their shoes. Thank you Jerry for your content and validating the experiences of adult children of dysfunctional families of all shades.
My mom considers herself the ‘throwaway child’ implying that by us kids NOT helping her with her living situation or something is equal to throwing a child out. LOL
Oh, I'm getting that now. Mom's 80. Everybody thinks she should move in with us. No. Just...no. I work from home; she'd be interrupting me constantly for useless crap, and I don't need the verbal abuse. Even she's said we'd have to get rid of our pets for "her safety." Sorry, Mom, I'll send you to the home long before I'll get rid of the dogs. I actually love the dogs.
@@BronzeDragon133ahh this one. I’ve just had I’ve made my mum homeless as I said no to her living with me, whilst she was telling me all the rules I have to abide by when she moves into my home. I point blank said you’re not moving in with me… I was met with a rage and I blocked her x down with her abuse. I’ve made no one homeless, she has a home.. she just wanted to use me to pay for everything x
After my father said that he was glad he strangled me and said he would kill me if he had too the family guilt me into not pressing charged despite the physical and psychologically pain caused. Gaslighting has been my life for years as I went back to his home to "rebuild the relationship" as if I played a part in getting attacked. Last year i finally walked away after years of trying to "rebuild the relationship" he said that he glad that he attacked me and it was all because I left bread crumbs on his side of the table and he went into a rage of having to clean up after everyone (despite him always finding an excuse to do something else when it was cleaning day) I later heard from a third party that he told my aunt that i should've gone home to apologize and rebuild the relationship and I always hace to make things difficult. I saw that as a compliment, the rest of the family I'm working on trying to get out of the mind control and gaslighting, its very difficult but I'm glad my father feels the way he does.
This was SO VALIDATING after some things that JUST happened... I can't thank you enough for helping us with these videos. this reminder helped me hold back on to my sanity. it's not my fault and i'm not guilty for their abuse...
"Charity begins at home"....lolololol THOSE words FINALLY woke me up when I had the temerity to help my 77 year old emphysemic neighbor with heart failure ...who had NO one... WTF?!?
2 місяці тому
In the TV in one occasion they presented the case of an old teacher from university who now was living in his car with his brother and needed help. I said I wanted to help them and my mother said "Help me instead!!"
This video is pure gold. It literally reflects all interactions with my narcissistic father. It is as if Mr. Wise were sitting in the room documenting the conversation. Mr. Wise thank you for the sanity and insight!!
If for some reason I was unable to see my young niece when she came into town (I was never communicated with directly by my sister's family... visits were always short-notice) my narc mother would guilt trip me by saying my aunt often went out of her way for me. Totally distorted comparison, and made me so angry!
You have just explained my mother in a complete nutshell. Im 37 with a daughter who's 3yrs old and im Finally breaking free and going no contact. Its been very difficult but I know its what i Need to do to break this cycle of abuse. It ends with me.
Diagnosed cptsd, social anxiety, depression and currently on adjacent waiting list. A survivor of childhood SA and abusive relationships. My last relationship basically destroyed me, all my coping mechanisms and left me a wreck. I saw my brother today and I got triggered and ended up having a meltdown because he said “you only have one life!”. I know I do and I’m trying bloody hard to get things on track. I said back to him “please don’t say that to me please, don’t guilt trip me”. He got really defensive and said “what have I don’t wrong?”. “l said what you said was a guilt trip”.
Think of all the energy that's been tightly bound up, trying to navigate these relationships. And all the emotional expenditure! The thing is we're not here to pander to family or cater to them, or become like them, to spend our lives in servitude to them. We're here to find ourselves, to develop and grow into the fullness of our being. Sometimes it takes literally a lifetime to begin to heal and reclaim/ find the sovereignty which was our birthright. Keep on healing, beautiful warriors! Your life, whatever your age, is just beginning! ❤️
Honor thy mother and father. Ephesians 6.2. Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath. Ephesians 6.4. What is confusing is why do everyone only talk about the 2nd verse but don't mention the 4th verse
Anytime I'd express being upset about how my parents were treating me like shit and not listening to me they'd retort with "Too bad so sad! It's my way or the highway! If you don't like it then leave!!!!" I was about 10 years old. A 10 year old can't get a fucking job, a phone, a place to sleep or anything and to have the GALL to tell your child that YOU wanted that is absolutely ridiculous.
The only time they don't act like adults is towards me lol, around other people they're the most mature loving amazing thoughtful innocent people alive who wouldn't dare think of being rude or belligerent towards an innocent child, the child is just spoiled!
I've done a fair amount of counseling. Seems like a lot of counselors for the whole world is it okay with accepting that everyone has a different reality and truth. If this is the case, no one is ever wrong. Everything is relative. I believe it creates an environment, we're one expects the world to change around them so they don't have to feel any discomfort. I think a better approach is for everyone to learn how to control their own vessel. If I'm angry it's my anger, if I'm jealous it's my jealousy. This isn't to say someone didn't do something to trigger that. But I am responsible for me and my actions. We cannot control our environment only how we respond to it.
Yeh i can tell, when my mother dies, my brother will just take over her role of standing in judgement of me and seeing everything through her lens. My passive weak father will support my brother. It is just a change of management for him. New management similar to old management.
I have noticed that when I say to a narcissist, you have deeply disappointed me and look them deep in the eyes they crumble. They just look at you with a blank stare. It's actually really very sad because deep down, that's their worst fear, but they don't connect with that deep place inside and are so very lost.
I love the religious guilt trip. They will go right to the ten commandments, and say that we are commanded to honor thy mother and thy father. And that is correct. Unfortunately, Jesus tells us that if we don't love him more than we love our own mother and father, we are not worthy of him. So where does that leave our parents? Do they want us to love them more than we love Christ? After that, I have never heard the religious argument.
We can use this for how religion can be comparable to an abusive parental relationship (love me best or else...) as well. It's one of the reasons I'm not exactly huge on religions.
@@BronzeDragon133 I agree with you. But we always have to differentiate between religion and a relationship with God. Jesus did not come to give us a new religion. He came to show us how to connect with God. Unfortunately, men have continued to do what they have done for millennia, to use God's name to control people. It will never end. But once you realize this, your job is to share it.
The martyr guilt trip with education, money and north is done by my mother and my dad so much just to gaslight and dehumanize my manhood and delegitimize my own efforts that concern my own interests of preservation and progress in life. It’s so evil what they do, my mother did this to me in relation to books I bought off Amazon yesterday just to take away my own power of decision making… it’s MY money because it’s in MY bank account regardless if my father put money in my account… if people are going to help out only to not be genuinely altruistic in the end and play power dynamics then you can keep your money… I didn’t ask to be born you materialistic individuals incapable of empathy and respect for the psychological dignity and well being of others. No empathy whatsoever. Thank you for all that you are doing Dr. Wise. You are making me wiser :).
Your videos are very helpful, it sometimes feels like you have secret hidden cameras into my family life 😅 I have learnt how to deal with my mother who tic most of your boxes. I've also learnt not to feel the need for revenge as often. I had a strong urge for revenge for a few years after I learned how to not be her victim anymore and not play along. But my revenge today is to just Live Well. Thank you for your work Sir Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪🙏🏻❤️
My mom likes to remind me that she went to all my high school sport games and would make a huge deal if she couldn't make it. Like being extremely apologetic. And I never asked her to come and never really cared if she did, and told her that she didn't have to come. Jump to any time we had an issue, she'd use her attendance against me. Like how dare I get upset that she shredded my government documents mailed to me! She attended all my games! They really find anything to use against others. It's like they're incapable of shame or guilt. Every story they're either the hero or the victim.
Jerry, once again you have proven to me that you have the ability to time travel back in time to spy on my mom when she had said something crazy. My mom uses ALL of these tactics.
You are awesome, thank you :) I would be dead by now without UA-camrs sharing this information. We all deserve a happy life and I wish everyone here strength and healing
My parents love to hold the fact they adopted over my head. They love to use that when guilt tripping me. But thanks to your videos, I have learned it's ok to say no and stand firm in that. So thank you!
My father's last words were: "of all the kids, you disappointed me the most."---I felt like I was punched in the stomach, after spending days in the hospital to visit him.
💔He was not right in the head to say something so cruel! Just a hurt and broken person. I am not at all religious, but the biblical phrase:”Forgive them, for they know not what they do!” often comes into my head when dealing with my own broken parents. Love and courage to you💗.
My mother always talks about when she was "raising" grandchildren. She drove and babysat them. The funny thing is she makes those comments about times when she didnt even have grandkids.
Mannnnnn this is the one!!! My mother used to volunteer to help me with my children and she absolutely takes responsibility of my oldest daughter. If I had to do it again I'd NEVER let her have that much time with my children
I found AI very helpful with my guilt & helps activate my prefrontal cortex . If you remember it’s a computer, it’s nice to hear the reassurance coming from something else while you’re learning to do it for yourself. I’m sure with many things, too much of a good thing can get you lost! So stay focused on the why.
“Conditional love” is what resonates with me the most. I was coerced into badmouthing people that I loved in pursuit of appeasing the narcissist. This is probably something I will never forgive myself for, because the people I badmouthed on behalf of the narcissist have leaved about it in time, and how do you explain something like that? Narcissists will do this to their victims though as a way of keeping their hands cleaning and making YOU look bad and feel small.
My mother compared me to 2 aunts and uncles on my dads side to say I was as miserable as they were, I replied that means I’m nothing like your side of the family, I’ll take it thanks! First time ever the narcissist shut up for a minute. She never did revisit that devaluation, that was a one of victory.
My mother: If you don't do this for me it means that you don't love me. I heard this several times as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. We all passed it off as 'there goes mom again ', but this stuff stays with me. Even though I know what she's doing, it still affects me. I'm in my 60s now but I still feel chained ( or shackled).
Many of us have made sacrifices for them. My parents owned apartments and as a young teenager I was expected to help clean them. I honestly don't remember if they gave me a choice. They did pay me a decent wage and I learned some skills. But in retrospect there are other (more valuable) skills that i could have been learning. I now see it as a sacrifice. A child (I was about 14) shouldn't be put in that position.
My dad made a ton of sabotaging decisions in my life and once he divorced my mom he said he could have made better choices but didn't and he said why did God give him a family like you guys he said he had detach from all of us he pitted against each other and than said we never listened to him that's why we have miserable lives
Boy did Jerry just describe my mom's favorite tactic in trying to hurt me, using biblical scriptures to deliver her gut punch! Thank you for playing through how to respond. This is very helpful.
Mine are 5 minutes away. He can't pretend to be king shit if he's in a home I OWN. Whereas he can pretend in his own sick mind when he's in the house "HE RENTS" from my golden child brother
My grandmother did help pay for my College, and said that I “owed her”. She would make me clean her house for her, a lot, and very often. I also had to run errands for her.
My favorite comparison is the "you're so like [my SIL]"; except she's so terribly creative, and good at gardening and all the feminine things I hate. I love her to bits but my mother is so proud of her.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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This guilt trip can create people to get in relationships where they’re constantly doing things so the other person loves them not realizing that they’re with a narcissist, and they’re bending over backwards, trying to fix the relationship with a narcissist does what he wants when he wants steals, money, hides things cheats, and all you’re doing is catering to them like a slave with unconditional love, trying to show them that you love them Meanwhile, they’re drilling holes in the boat when you’re not looking
Yeah, you should be appreciate it for what you do for your kids but you shouldn’t expect anything back but you would think that your kids love you enough to reciprocate that usually not when the raised in Narcissistic household most the time they end up, becoming like one of the parents or both the parents if they were narcissist. I also agree that it is a paren’s job to take care of the kids without wanting something back. That’s just a normal parent reaction but if the child loves the parent you would think they would be around. I wanna spend time with them, but not always begin. When you have kids it’s about them not you.
My 'mother said CAROL WHY CAN YOU Not ne like Andrea Canyon ( a Dense know it all)! for 66 years. HUSH Mother!!
I remember the silent treatments. They would go on forever….until I made the first move. Even into my adulthood. I was the sensitive one. Mom didn’t try it with my brother and sister…just me, because it so obviously ate away at me until I would apologize. Even if I didn’t feel I did anything wrong. It’s a horrible thing to do to someone.
My mother once told me that all her children had been a great disappointment to her and our father. I replied that I hoped she might find comfort in reflecting that we were disappointed in them, too.
🥰 😂😂 xx
I'd love to know how that went. 😊
Touché!
As a child my mother did everything to stop me from achieving, then when I was an adult said she had raised a ‘dud’.
😂 great response! I hope that made her nuts!!
Narcissists give you disrespect and chaos then blame you for it! 😢
They most definitely do! In understanding or having to interact with these people, we must first understand that when the acknowledgement of fault is not an option, nor is behavioral change…
Well said. Many people may find their selves crying out for live and attention. I don't see that as narcissism. I see neglecting those you should live as narcissism.
Expecting you to be respectful after totally being abused
How on earth can we fall in this trap ?
Brainwashing since childhood ?
The vail is off no rosey glasses.
I have often wondered if my German roots is why? Why they have made my living as difficult and desperate as they can ?
Including my imprisonment by lies
my children now suffer because of they're gaslighting .
It hurts
Needless suffering pisses me right!
And also BLAME YOU for your response to what they just caused! It's maddening! My partner thinks I should just be able to " ignore it, it's JUST WORDS your not getting hit"....
Yes! Truth bomb!!
They want u to feel bad for not wanting to be around them. They hate when u don't listen to their lies. They hate seeing us living peacefully. Thank u Doc for this great video!!!
That part
When I stopped coming around them, I was bombarded with voicemails from my NM like “I hope you know how BAD you make everybody feel!” 🤣
My mother would say that if I am not around and be social enough, that I would end up becoming like my father...😂
Which I couldn't care less, because she used to be worse than him as a person!🤣💁♀️🤷♀️
😂@@SuzyQpip
"Family is family... no matter what."
"You never turn your back on family... no matter what."
This is one of the biggest warning flags of a narcissist family system.
These are the types of "narcissist slogans" to keep a person trapped/stuck within the system through guilt.
It implies that you can't detach from someone who is toxic, based on "who" they are in relation to you,
this is most typically applied to a parent, a child, a sibling, but can be used in regard to any relative.
As an adult, you are not obligated to anyone based on "who" they are or how they're related to you.
And, you don't owe anyone an explanation either, though they will insist you do.
They want an explanation for their own reasons, and those reasons are never good or in your best interests,
so don't give them the satisfaction,
they don't deserve one.
And giving any explanation isn't going to accomplish anything,
other than giving them an invitation to try using it to get you to submit, or ammunition for their malicious campaign to protect their own character, while destroying yours.
Let them stew in their own mess.
Most importantly, do not gossip to others, especially other family/friends about the situation,
because it will only make everything worse.
If anyone asks, just let them know you're not open to talk about it, it's a private matter between you and the other individual.
Don't feel you need to defend yourself,
because this will only help the toxic individual destroy you,
Let them do all the bad mouthing, blaming, etc,
because those who will listen to and/or believe them, were never worth your time anyway, and they're not worth interacting with either.
And for those who will say "I wish you two would make up",
politely let them know it's not about them, it's a private matter, and frankly none of their concern or business.
Very well said. One thing I still struggle with is always the need to explain or defend myself. It’s as if I need to be validated-that my decision or opinion can’t stand on its own. That’s insecurity.
This is the one right here!!! I was told the same thing and I politely responded with No I don’t have to put up with anyone matters who they are or supposed to be to me and my mom got very upset with me because she can’t control me or my thinking!! But they say things like this to root it into your brain but it’s up to us if we let it work… I will never allow it to work on me or my children!!
the "narcissistic slogan" is what I used to get from mom:
"we are a family" for their convinence (_) preserving the idea and projection of a traditional family but also a cosmopolitan one which I decided (consciously or unconsciously) to live by
I moved abroad to set boundaries but I had to build character and discipline it was a hard process, losses, defeats, but also "miracles", victories, successes, along the way
thanks to the Pandemic (that was my awakening - almost full awake!!, although painful and financially draining) I finally realized who I am dealing with (family members)
Doctor Wise expresses clearly and consistently - thank you 🎉
@@donnamartaofficial9903 you should be very proud of yourself, because finding your way out of these situations is a huge accomplishment in life.
It takes A LOT of, well... everything you've got,
and it's very heavily taxing in every way,
the mental exhaustion is very real.
Once you're finally free, you also find a very different perspective toward life.
I don't know. I went no contact because that's what the experts recommend online. But I didn't have an alternative tribe so total loneliness was much worse than dealing with their dysfunction. I am a lot happier being in contact with my dysfunctional family as at this age creating a new community seems impossibile in the current culture.
I started to feel guilty but just remembered I couldn’t even sleep when I was still with my narcissistic family, now I feel better.
Oh yes, I know that feeling. I suppose we feel guilty bc we disconnect. We feel guilty for disconnecting.
Obviously there is a reason for disconnecting on OUR part.
I understand what you are saying 💯
I realized my guilt and shame is not even mine. Its their guilt and shame.
Wow same here!
Yes they try to drag you downhill like they are, by guilting you and shaming you for who you are. But the more you distance yourself, the better you feel!
This x
Ikr, it was such a shock to me when I finally realised that because all throughout my life I believed that something is inherently wrong with me
@@Amberguymerhoskingyou lie alot too
The silent treatment. My dad has been giving me the silent treatment for ONE YEAR for daring to have a different opinion. I will no longer play his games, and won't be reaching out to him. I'm done. I'm in my 40s and played his games long enough.
When I received the silent treatment I felt it was a favour!
Call him a little girl 😂
Yesterday, I was clever; I sought to change the world.
Today, I am wise; I seek to change myself.
Amen to that! I also try my best not to let the world and some individuals change who I am 😊❤
My mother used to say the „I fed and clothed you.“ One day I said if you didn’t do that CPS would have been called. She was very offended.
Absolutely! They think they're entitled to a parent of the year nomination for doing the minimum they are legally required to do, under the threat of criminal charges and possible jail time if they didn't. Good for you for standing up to your mother! 💪
OMFG I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME. Wooow, my belief for them all acting and saying the same things is they are all of the same dem0nic entity. (Had to sensor FOR YT)
Love this response x
" I did a lot for you"
That's true social services would have been involved!
Both my parents, and later my (now former) father-in-law would regularly use all of these manipulative tactics. Removing all of them from my life improved it exponentially.
My parents guilt tripped me for leaving home despite them basically chasing me out and giving my room away immediately to another sibling, but guilt tripped for occasionally asking for money while trying to survive without support.
I 'chose' to leave them despite it being a terrible Cinderella style lifestyle, of me being their babysitter. And then never really inviting me back after the first year of adjusting without my help, and their younger children growing older.
The money they gave me total is far less than what they gave to other children. For example, they gave my sister a new pickup truck and full college tuition.
They never even discussed college with me as a teenager.
Whatever 😂😂😂
Yep every single one, I was so lucky that I was alive basically. I was the only child with a different father out of four.
@@joesmith733 I was the only child, but a lot of similarities with your experiences. I also left home at 17 to join the Army and eventually pay for all my own college, bachelors and masters. My parents didn't provide even a dime ... yet still attempted to guilt me about how much I owed them because their raising me made me successful.
My mom's favorite line was " I know you don't like me" 🤦🏾♀️
My narc parent throws the fact they waited in a long line at Christmas to get me a present that they thought I would like when I was 4. Who turns a "gift" into a life long thorn in your side? To this day i always feel uneasy about accepting a gift
"I know, i'm the worst mother to ever exist" one of my all time favorites. edit: whenever something even remotely resembling criticism was said
Oh my goodness. I have heard that on repeat for years xx so much is adding up. X
They take every discussion or argument and turn it into a total war. It's insufferable. Like can we just talk like adults?
My mother told me she took out a 15 year pension so she could spend it all up and leave none behind. Now she is almost out of income and guilting me for financial support. She wanted to make sure she didnt leave me anything im not allowing her financial burden on me. Before i may have fallen into this guilt trip 😊
Stay strong 💪🏼
That’s true Justice right there! She screwed herself!
@@Gemmarose9012 sure did
Shrug. She should have Social Security. And if not, poor planning on her part does not constitute an emergency on your part.
Poor financial choices are their part do not require you to make poor financial choices (like enabling them would be.)
I had most all of the guilt trips discussed here. I finally reached a point of seeing I wouldn’t ever be enough to satisfy my family of origin. If I am so disappointing and I never did or do anything that pleases them, then I can remove myself from this relationship. I will stop being their burden and wash my hands of wasting my love and energy on those who simply don’t appreciate me or treat me well. I’m tired of fake love and being treated like shit whenever I did anything to be a kind peacemaker. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel guilty once in a while because I cut off my entire bloodline and common friends so that I wouldn’t have the flying monkeys to deal with, but I have a hidden file with messages, letters and hurtful birthday cards so I can remember that they will not change and I can’t fix them.
I feel your every word. That file is absolutely essential to remembering what we went through and what we are now protecting ourselves against. ❤
What is a hurtful birthday card?
"Happy Birthday, Loser!"?
@@LookUpYourRedemptionDrawsNigh
"Lordy, Lordy! Look Who's Forty...and Still Single!"
Even if they changed now, would you want them back? How many years have they been treating you badly? How much toxic shame have you carried and for how long? How much has all this ordeal affected your life?
Two of my four immediate family members have changed their attitudes towards me, but it took:
> me moving as far away as I could to get away from them and it SEVERELY impacted my finances
> me being perpetually single for years due to toxic shame
> me losing countless opportunities for years due to the isolation they forced me to
> me taking 4 extra years to get my 5-year Diploma due to my father's DAILY sabotage and abuse (including physical ON A WEEKLY BASIS) and no (adult) sibling a damn.
Yeah, two of my three siblings realized they were a mess all along and have changed. But do I really want to hang out with people who took them to their LATE 30s to realize it is rude to "jokingly" insult their youngest sibling? Or people who used guilt trips to keep their youngest sibling exposed to abusers because they knew they were next in line? Well, NO.
@@31minutesago Maybe a phony line about something that they previously kept insulting them about. "My beautiful/strong/smart son/daughter", a promise they didn't keep so that memory the card mentioned didn't exist etc? The opposite of what they said or did in real life basically.
My mother had the ultimate guilt trip up her sleeve. When I got through difficult teenage years being constantly goated ( I left home at 16 - long story) I managed to get a good job and started to feel good about myself for the first time ever. I began caring about my appearance and became reasonably attractive and self confident at age 21. She decided that this was the moment to tell me that I was meant to be a boy and that my name would have been Stefan. She said when I was born they didn't name me for a month as they were so shocked. And she said all this while laughing in my face. Then, in later years she totally denied saying it at all. When that bitch died the world became a better place over night.
Please never NEVER feel guilty, or be MADE to feel guilty for your last sentence. You are a survivor and indeed the World is a better place without evil parents.
I don’t understand why your “mother” would care so much about your sex at birth. Probably because there isn’t any good reason and she just sucks.
So many times I’ve had similar things from my mum and she never said that years later xx or did that. It’s like get lost x
This reminds me when I went to boot camp and didn't see my family for over two months. First thing she said to me was "wow, you lost your ass." Thanks, mom. Missed you too.
My Mom's favorite go to is "Your Grandparents would be so ashamed of you." She uses it on everyone.
After listening to it for the 100th time, I said, "Nope.That old trick isn't going to work. It's funny how you can know the thoughts of the dead and put words in their mouths. In fact, Grandma H used to cry all of the time because of how you treat me. So, you Mom, she would be ashamed of you."
And then I blocked her permanently.
Had this one aswell x no no your parents would be ashamed of your behaviour to your child.. don’t turn the narrative mother x
Damn, can't wait to block my parents honestly
Guilt is one of my most powerful triggers. My parents are in their 70s and I'm in my 20s. Ever since childhood, their "short lives" were thrown in my face as a way to guilt me into submission. If my parents aren't going to live long, why waste my time disappointing them? Letting this go is so freeing.
omg.... my parent is also around 70+ and i'm in my 20 too and they did the same my entire childhood
My narcissistic parents lived into their 90. I am 70 and that is not old at all. They are guilt tripping you. Now as an adult, you can live your own life.
They always project their anger and insecurities on to us. That’s fd up
Ignore them outright you don't answer them back - you act like there not even there ...
Silent treatment really works on people.😮
I wouldn't wish something like this on anyone this is the most horrible place to be in life with these people
Sending love ❤️
Thank you 🙏
OMG...You have no idea how I wish I knew you when I was a kid. The only thing that probably saved alot of my sanity, is moving out at age 14.
My mothers favorite things to say to me was;
1) You owe me everything because I gave birth to you ( when she would just walk right into my home a take what ever she wanted )
2) She hoped I had kids as rotten as me ( even though I was always the perfect child and young adult who was always there for her).
3) You're just like your father ( they divorced when I was 12) , when doing something for her.
4) She would always tell people how rotten I was and what a mooch I was when she never paid for anything for me, and I never took anything from anyone.
You are describing her exactly. 👍
1) I always believed that was 100% true 😓
3 exact points happened to me
I'm so fed up with my mom, that when she gives me the silent treatment, I ignore her to a point that SHE comes back to talk to me. When she tells me I should be more like my sister I tell her it's too bad for her, cause I don't care about her opinions. When she tries to guilt me by saying I'm "giving" her depression, I tell her I'm proud to have that much power over her, and I brag that no one has such power over me. It works for now...
She will go to your siblings and say you are bullying her if you talk back or even if you give her advice or correct information (trivial) and if you mention stress to her she pretends to thrive on it while you can see it grinding her away in their hive mind prison
I make sure that my kids understand unequivocally that they don’t owe me anything at all and never will.
I also tell them that I can take care of myself and when the time comes when I can’t, there’s a special button on my boat that I shall depress which will absolutely stop any dependence I may have in the future.
Yes I’m an electrician with a special interest in pyrotechnics.
They laugh when I say this and it makes me so proud that they get my dark sense of humour…
Ahem…
I mean this with full sincerity parent of the year! 💖💖💖 I love that!
Joking about your suicide to your kids is a huge burden (even if they laugh with you). Holy cow this is disturbing & a huge delusion of being better than your parents.
@@testtest2609 I know what you mean, this could cause another kind of trauma, but I must admit with my own parents expecting the world to pander to them, @Tryagain 205 made me laugh and felt super refreshing. It may depend how it’s said too.
We shouldn't explain ourselves. Either it's a total no contact or no discussion at all, because it's just giving them fuel. And never ever ask them to do theraphy together. NEVER EVER.
Guilting and shaming was so much all my life that anyone even a stranger can guilt trip or shame or manipulate me.
Deadbeat parents really do set you up for a lifetime of abuse because of the people-pleasing behaviour you NEEDED to learn to survive your childhood. It will take hard work and perseverance but you can recover. Praying for you, and everyone who experienced this at the hands of those who are supposed to love us.
@@Kelly-oe8kr
Thanks, I need to hear this for hope. Thanks for prayers.
Very few can understand.
Wow, how sad.
Just spoke to my one last relative.
He just blamed me.
I am finally understanding the power of Smear campaign.
Very very upsetting to see life unfold with everyone’s figures pointing against us.
Complete NC is the only way to heal from this SHTF.
After being emotionally abused all my life I owe my aged Mother J A C K!!
The guilt trip part hits very hard at home. When your family members make it crystal clear to you, that they don't want you around anymore, so you try to live a peacefull life away from the narcissism and the toxicity, they want to attack you back, by making you feel guilty for the choice you made by keeping your distance away from them. It's a sneaky technique they use, to make you go backwards instead of forward.
You're exactly right!
It’s not even just the debt and, sometimes, the over-assumption of how much debt. It is the acting as if there was never a debt, then springing it on the adult child, in later years. The debt is also deemed to be infinite. The narcissistic parent has decided you owe a debt, but it’s into perpetuity. Like, if they paid $5K for college, you just owe whatever they decide they need, forever. It’s like belong levied with a loan, with no payoff date and interest rates off the charts, making it clear that it’ll be paid off, when either you or them die.
I was dissociating on and off.. The one thing that I will talk about is the shame.. You could have a whole video on shame.. Specifically what the affects of shame does on people.. My guess is that growing up in a shaming family that I accept and tolerate way too much shame..
Yes 😢
I experienced non-silent treatment. She just couldn't shut up, escalating all day from a spilled milk in the morning to regretful life choices in the evening.
When I would call my younger sister to tell her I'm going on a vacation with my partner she'd get upset. Saying I should be visiting mom instead
They hate seeing you happy. I stopped sharing my joy with them
@@msbg8385 that makes sense. As a kid dad would take the family out to Sonics and I'd get left out.
@@msbg8385I have done the same. They have ruined enough!
Move in silence.
If u would have told her U were sick in bed unable to do anything, she would have been pleased & happy or mad that your sick so U can't go to Moms. Dammed if ya do. Dammed if ya dont
I never told anybody that story. I studied in a private engineering school. One day I went back to my school to get a copy of my degree and the director told me that my fees were not paid in full. I was surprised and asked him how much was missing. It was huge, it was thousands upon thousands of euros. He said he never said anything to me and let me have a my degree because I had good grades. I thanked him but felt ashamed. He gave me the document I needed and we just agreed that I would start settling the debt as soon as I am able which I did in first priority. I am forever grateful to that man. After that whenever my mother says "I paid for your private school etc..." I am so resentful because she never said she didnt pay all of it and left a huge debt to me while still asking me more money from me....Sometimes I really wonder why people treat each other like that even in your own family
ironically my parents cured me of their guilt trips. They both in their own way carried it one step too far and opened my eyes. For example I lost my job, was loosing my first home, had to pack and move across the country with a severe migraine attack and she says, "It always hurts worse when it happens to someone you love." So on top of everything else I get to feel guilty for giving her more pain than I am in? No guilt trip from her of any kind ever worked again because the memory of that day would pop in my head and remind me of what was really going on.
I hope you are coping now 😢xx
@@ac1646 Oh yes moved to where I met the love of my life.
@@VintageQuirky-ql4hc 🥰😂
Well done! You describe a very familiar pattern. And it also got to the point where it left me feeling free from guilt. Something to be grateful for I suppose ...
My parents always were resentful for when I was happy such as going on camping vacations or having a good life with my husband. That’s why I don’t post much on social media because I feel they’re constantly judging me and when I see them, they look at me like I should be suffering with their miserable lives
My mom used triangulation with me and a child she had a miscarriage with my whole life. She would talk about 'her' all the time. It always made me feel she wished she had been born and not me or that she was the was the one who should be here not me. She would tell me of dreams of her. She would always mention if I had her, you wouldn't be here. They will triangulate you against anyone or anything. Dead or alive.
Awareness is half the battle. Knowing they commonly change the story to look good at our expense makes it easier to let it go, instead of trying with a "coca-cola (coo-coo)".
Yupp, when I asked them top stop calling me sensitive (a method of avoiding facing their lack of empathy). Mum - "think of your father".
Dad "think of your mother".
Brother "poor mum and dad".
So, the way I show I am *thinking* of them is to have no reaction to their projections on to me. How do they show they care about me??¿ that never comes up. The onus is only on me to think of them. I dont feel guilty any more. I feel so angry.
You explained being to sensitive perfectly! Now I get why my aunt use to use that phrase with me. Because she didn’t have empathy for me. Wow! Thanks!
Ooh, this burns me. I constantly heard the comparison growing up. I definitely have heard the victim many times as well. Comparing me to my brother, sister, friend, etc. always sending me videos about drinking more water, less sugar, healing the gut (I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease but it’s well controlled), and taking care of my skin (I’ve had eczema from childhood and it’s actually gotten much better with this). Oh, and the martyr…oh, the number of times I’ve heard that excuse!!! The silent treatment is used constantly to date. But honestly I’d rather have the peace than fight with my cover narc mother. Actually I think I’ve seen most, if not ALL these guilt trips along the way. The spiritual guilt. ALL. THE. TIME!! It was always “honor your father and mother!” But there’s the other verse that says do not provoke your children to wrath so they don’t become discouraged. And gaslighting too! More from my dad than my mother.
Same with my mother. She was a momster. Guilt trip Mary they called her. Always ready with the guilt trips and playing the victim. Victim Mary was another one of her identities. “Do as I say, not as I do”. I’m sorry you endured a narcissistic mother. It’s both awful and eye opening to know you’re not crazy when you finally see the truth of who and what they are. It’s like a cancer of the personality, a cancer of the soul. The spiritual guilt trips and gaslighting were the worst. Sending you healing vibes! We will rise above this abuse and take back our lives and create and honor our own individual identities. Shame on them for doing this to their own children. Hope they enjoy their karma when it comes due.
I had Narc parents and unknowingly married a narc who also had narc parents. I'm horribly Codependent. I left the narc, but my children were damaged from my codependency with their narc dad. Sometimes, I catch myself displaying narc behavior.
Yes, it's called "fleas" from the narcs you've been around
My mom always used to say that when she was single she could do or have anything she wanted but getting married and having children was her end. That it was MY RESPONSIBILITY to Save her, to give her everything.
"That's what parents do" rings the most true for me ever now that I have children of my own. Not only do the guilt trips feel all the more absurd but it would be ridiculous of me to do anything but protect my children from feeling unwarranted guilt for anything I've done for them. "That's what parents do" 🙏 ❤️
I have experienced much of this in my narcissistic family system. Thankfully the Lord Jesus Christ helped me work through it all. Their tactics no longer work on me because I can see clearly.
Man, it took me years of being out of the house (at 25, college was rough on top of being in an emotionally abusive household) to realize just how awful my mother really was. I remember the first time i learned what gas lighting and emotional manipulation were and i nearly broke down from the realization that she was always like this.
I suffered memory issues all my life, only to uncover in therapy that i was repressing memories in my childhood so much that it shredded my ability to remember. I have anxiety and depression and suicidal ideation because i was essentially free labor around the house and denied my own personhood, my own decisions in the matter. And i never even realized I've been trained to cave on any argument with minimal pushback, because it turns out years of being beaten and berated for daring to say no is traumatic and not normal. Go figure, but i never knew any other way.
Even before therapy, i did remember that she used to say "you never do anything for this family" or "you're just so damn lazy", and it was always interpreted in my head as i need to be doing more and caring more for every one, because I'm not doing enough clearly. For my own mother to be yelling that right in my face, and so often, i really must be those things. It was only before moving out did i look back on all the incredible and frankly absurd things I've done and made even from a young age, that i realized that i wasn't lazy, and i did far more than enough for this family, and called her out on it finally.
And she had the gall to say i must've been misremembering her calling me lazy, or that she was just joking when she said i never did anything for anyone.
My mother did this until I moved out permanently, and it turned off like a faucet. After that, she treated me with respect and in a healthy way, as if she had never done it!
I am about to move out soon myself. I just looking for an apartament. My parents went too far last time, when I asked my step mother to not vacuum at 7am at Saturday as not everyone waking up so early, she went into rage, then next day father went into rage ofer left plate in a sink and told "from some time I noticing you playing games with us and we don't like it, better look for an apartament until end of a year" .... They just kicked me out basically over just asking them to not vacuum at the morning... Lucky I found a cheap apartament and earning enough to live on my own. They have never notice anything I did for them, but try to say no to them or do something wrong in their eyes oh boy they going crazy and guilt tripping me how bad child I am as I do everything wrong and think only about myself -.-
They abuse when they have control over you in their home
@@ccdm515 The weirdest thing it is they are "nice and empathing" towards everyone else but me .... Like 2 different persons and with age they became worse and worse.
@@msbg8385
I would say she was controlling and domineering.
@@msbg8385I beg to differ. Mines come and control me in my own house. I'm 53 and she's 77. And she's doing her toxic things to my daughter. I've decided to go no contact.
Lol. My parent knows she didn‘t sacrifice for me. That didn‘t stop her from expecting me to sacrifice everything for her in old age.
Exactly 🙌 🔥 🙌
Yes .........
Exactly the same.
And when he saw that I wasn't sacrificing my life for him, he *sabotaged* my life in every aspect, so that I would be left with only him and nobody and nothing else.
Joke's kinda on him though: He wasn't that old when he started sabotaging me. But, by the time I moved out in my late 20s, he had become quite frail and helpless. But, since he ruined my teens and 20s, I was determined to not let him ruin my 30s too: I went No Contact a few years after I moved out, the energy and effort I was supposed to put in to care for him in his old age, he had already spent it all many years before he actually started needing it.
I stoped chasing her approval tactic . and it’s driving her crazy . I’m so happy now I can perdict her emotions in advance like clock work . But it’s saddening to me that she will never understand what’s really going on in her life or ours 😢
It is sad.
Somehow I’m guilty for making money and not giving it straight to my mom for her use
You describe both my narcissistic parents perfectly. An endless bombardment of all of the above. I used to tell them as a kid, "There's no awards/medals for parenting" because they were always outraged and guilt tripping me for them needing to do anything remotely parental. Mom even went so far to tell me she never wanted me to begin with, and was upset when she was pregnant because it was "inconvenient" (she was in college). I told her, "It's not my fault." And I've had to back away from them because they bombarded me nonstop with guilt trips, comparisons, shame and blame. I built a career and good life despite them. Mom especially hates this. In old age, they lose because all that hostility, cruelty, punishing, shunning, etc taught me to let go and save myself. Good riddance. It's my life and they can't have it. Their threats mean nothing to me, they have no power over me anymore..and they know it. Life goes on and I heal now in peace.
The word “love”, was never spoken in our house. Period.
Oh wow. I never even got as much as one bday party. No vacays. No “day trips “. No family time. Nothing. Nadda. Just got ignored while they went to hockey games or convention trips or Sat night parties for them and their friends with strip teases and skinny dips. We also got physically beat or ignored with many silent treatments from my mother for sometimes years. Well. I got the silent treatments when I called them out when they lied about me or accused me falsely of things. My other sisters are golden because they don’t do that to them.
Our golden child was the cousin. Handsome, sports-oriented, dumb as an effing stump. Everything my father wanted. What he got in me was somebody he called ugly, had horrible eyesight and couldn't care less about sports, but got good grades, and has a dozen unique hobbies.
On the up side, the cousin drank himself to death years ago. Dad's long gone, and Mom's going. My therapist is pretty supportive of the fact that my mourning periods are measured on a second hand.
We did the "Looks Good On Paper" thing, so if you saw us on the outside, it seemed fine.
I've decided to join the Road to Self program today. I've heard enough testimonials of people well into their 50s and up saying how they regretted not having access to it sooner, to not want to be in their shoes. Thank you Jerry for your content and validating the experiences of adult children of dysfunctional families of all shades.
Welcome to Road to Self!
My mom considers herself the ‘throwaway child’ implying that by us kids NOT helping her with her living situation or something is equal to throwing a child out. LOL
🤦🏻♂️
Oh, I'm getting that now. Mom's 80. Everybody thinks she should move in with us. No. Just...no. I work from home; she'd be interrupting me constantly for useless crap, and I don't need the verbal abuse. Even she's said we'd have to get rid of our pets for "her safety." Sorry, Mom, I'll send you to the home long before I'll get rid of the dogs. I actually love the dogs.
@@BronzeDragon133 😂😂😂 I’m also on team Keep the Dogs.
@@Shenanigans_Afoot Keep the dogs. Send Mom to the ASPCA. Maybe somebody will adopt her. 🙂
@@BronzeDragon133ahh this one. I’ve just had I’ve made my mum homeless as I said no to her living with me, whilst she was telling me all the rules I have to abide by when she moves into my home. I point blank said you’re not moving in with me… I was met with a rage and I blocked her x down with her abuse. I’ve made no one homeless, she has a home.. she just wanted to use me to pay for everything x
After my father said that he was glad he strangled me and said he would kill me if he had too the family guilt me into not pressing charged despite the physical and psychologically pain caused. Gaslighting has been my life for years as I went back to his home to "rebuild the relationship" as if I played a part in getting attacked.
Last year i finally walked away after years of trying to "rebuild the relationship" he said that he glad that he attacked me and it was all because I left bread crumbs on his side of the table and he went into a rage of having to clean up after everyone (despite him always finding an excuse to do something else when it was cleaning day)
I later heard from a third party that he told my aunt that i should've gone home to apologize and rebuild the relationship and I always hace to make things difficult.
I saw that as a compliment, the rest of the family I'm working on trying to get out of the mind control and gaslighting, its very difficult but I'm glad my father feels the way he does.
They're always talking about themselves.
This was SO VALIDATING after some things that JUST happened... I can't thank you enough for helping us with these videos. this reminder helped me hold back on to my sanity. it's not my fault and i'm not guilty for their abuse...
You are not guilty remember that, I am telling myself the same thing
"Charity begins at home"....lolololol
THOSE words FINALLY woke me up when I had the temerity to help my 77 year old emphysemic neighbor with heart failure ...who had NO one...
WTF?!?
In the TV in one occasion they presented the case of an old teacher from university who now was living in his car with his brother and needed help. I said I wanted to help them and my mother said "Help me instead!!"
This video is pure gold. It literally reflects all interactions with my narcissistic father. It is as if Mr. Wise were sitting in the room documenting the conversation. Mr. Wise thank you for the sanity and insight!!
I had a narcissistic person say to me ..."Well, I took you to the emergency room!"
They rarely try that BS with me anymore.. because i immediately call BULLSHIT and..F your guilt trip
My dad would always up praise or brag about other people in my company. Very hard not to feel small
If for some reason I was unable to see my young niece when she came into town (I was never communicated with directly by my sister's family... visits were always short-notice) my narc mother would guilt trip me by saying my aunt often went out of her way for me. Totally distorted comparison, and made me so angry!
You have just explained my mother in a complete nutshell. Im 37 with a daughter who's 3yrs old and im Finally breaking free and going no contact. Its been very difficult but I know its what i Need to do to break this cycle of abuse. It ends with me.
I was told by my mom that I would break my dad's heart if I told him I was gay
Diagnosed cptsd, social anxiety, depression and currently on adjacent waiting list. A survivor of childhood SA and abusive relationships. My last relationship basically destroyed me, all my coping mechanisms and left me a wreck. I saw my brother today and I got triggered and ended up having a meltdown because he said “you only have one life!”. I know I do and I’m trying bloody hard to get things on track. I said back to him “please don’t say that to me please, don’t guilt trip me”. He got really defensive and said “what have I don’t wrong?”. “l said what you said was a guilt trip”.
Think of all the energy that's been tightly bound up, trying to navigate these relationships. And all the emotional expenditure! The thing is we're not here to pander to family or cater to them, or become like them, to spend our lives in servitude to them. We're here to find ourselves, to develop and grow into the fullness of our being.
Sometimes it takes literally a lifetime to begin to heal and reclaim/ find the sovereignty which was our birthright.
Keep on healing, beautiful warriors! Your life, whatever your age, is just beginning! ❤️
Honor thy mother and father. Ephesians 6.2. Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath. Ephesians 6.4.
What is confusing is why do everyone only talk about the 2nd verse but don't mention the 4th verse
Yup
Anytime I'd express being upset about how my parents were treating me like shit and not listening to me they'd retort with "Too bad so sad! It's my way or the highway! If you don't like it then leave!!!!" I was about 10 years old. A 10 year old can't get a fucking job, a phone, a place to sleep or anything and to have the GALL to tell your child that YOU wanted that is absolutely ridiculous.
The only time they don't act like adults is towards me lol, around other people they're the most mature loving amazing thoughtful innocent people alive who wouldn't dare think of being rude or belligerent towards an innocent child, the child is just spoiled!
I've done a fair amount of counseling. Seems like a lot of counselors for the whole world is it okay with accepting that everyone has a different reality and truth. If this is the case, no one is ever wrong. Everything is relative. I believe it creates an environment, we're one expects the world to change around them so they don't have to feel any discomfort. I think a better approach is for everyone to learn how to control their own vessel. If I'm angry it's my anger, if I'm jealous it's my jealousy. This isn't to say someone didn't do something to trigger that. But I am responsible for me and my actions. We cannot control our environment only how we respond to it.
Thank you for the confirmation . My mother and now ‘replacement’ father (my brother), it’s beyond sick.
Yeh i can tell, when my mother dies, my brother will just take over her role of standing in judgement of me and seeing everything through her lens. My passive weak father will support my brother. It is just a change of management for him. New management similar to old management.
I have noticed that when I say to a narcissist, you have deeply disappointed me and look them deep in the eyes they crumble. They just look at you with a blank stare. It's actually really very sad because deep down, that's their worst fear, but they don't connect with that deep place inside and are so very lost.
A couple Jerry Wise videos a day, may keep the narcissist way. Much Love, Jerry!
How kind of you to say.
Brilliant content - so useful and applicable. Thank you❤
Glad it was helpful!
@@jerrywise Yes, and timely
Thanks to you I found peace. My mom always is shaming me for my choices/hobbies/places I visit.
Awesome list, Jerry! I'm so thankful you name those behaviours, it makes it so much easier to heal.
I love the religious guilt trip. They will go right to the ten commandments, and say that we are commanded to honor thy mother and thy father. And that is correct. Unfortunately, Jesus tells us that if we don't love him more than we love our own mother and father, we are not worthy of him. So where does that leave our parents? Do they want us to love them more than we love Christ? After that, I have never heard the religious argument.
"who is my mother? who are my brothers?"
@@djlykaen those who do the will of my father who is in heaven. Amen!
Don’t use normal rules for abnormal relationships. Narcissistic parents and people are under the category of abnormal relationships
We can use this for how religion can be comparable to an abusive parental relationship (love me best or else...) as well. It's one of the reasons I'm not exactly huge on religions.
@@BronzeDragon133 I agree with you. But we always have to differentiate between religion and a relationship with God. Jesus did not come to give us a new religion. He came to show us how to connect with God. Unfortunately, men have continued to do what they have done for millennia, to use God's name to control people. It will never end. But once you realize this, your job is to share it.
The martyr guilt trip with education, money and north is done by my mother and my dad so much just to gaslight and dehumanize my manhood and delegitimize my own efforts that concern my own interests of preservation and progress in life. It’s so evil what they do, my mother did this to me in relation to books I bought off Amazon yesterday just to take away my own power of decision making… it’s MY money because it’s in MY bank account regardless if my father put money in my account… if people are going to help out only to not be genuinely altruistic in the end and play power dynamics then you can keep your money… I didn’t ask to be born you materialistic individuals incapable of empathy and respect for the psychological dignity and well being of others. No empathy whatsoever. Thank you for all that you are doing Dr. Wise. You are making me wiser :).
Your videos are very helpful, it sometimes feels like you have secret hidden cameras into my family life 😅
I have learnt how to deal with my mother who tic most of your boxes. I've also learnt not to feel the need for revenge as often. I had a strong urge for revenge for a few years after I learned how to not be her victim anymore and not play along. But my revenge today is to just Live Well.
Thank you for your work Sir
Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪🙏🏻❤️
My mom likes to remind me that she went to all my high school sport games and would make a huge deal if she couldn't make it. Like being extremely apologetic. And I never asked her to come and never really cared if she did, and told her that she didn't have to come. Jump to any time we had an issue, she'd use her attendance against me. Like how dare I get upset that she shredded my government documents mailed to me! She attended all my games! They really find anything to use against others. It's like they're incapable of shame or guilt. Every story they're either the hero or the victim.
Jerry, once again you have proven to me that you have the ability to time travel back in time to spy on my mom when she had said something crazy. My mom uses ALL of these tactics.
You are awesome, thank you :) I would be dead by now without UA-camrs sharing this information. We all deserve a happy life and I wish everyone here strength and healing
My parents love to hold the fact they adopted over my head. They love to use that when guilt tripping me. But thanks to your videos, I have learned it's ok to say no and stand firm in that. So thank you!
Jerry, did we grow up with the same parents?! 😂
My father's last words were: "of all the kids, you disappointed me the most."---I felt like I was punched in the stomach, after spending days in the hospital to visit him.
💔He was not right in the head to say something so cruel! Just a hurt and broken person. I am not at all religious, but the biblical phrase:”Forgive them, for they know not what they do!” often comes into my head when dealing with my own broken parents. Love and courage to you💗.
My mother always talks about when she was "raising" grandchildren. She drove and babysat them. The funny thing is she makes those comments about times when she didnt even have grandkids.
Mannnnnn this is the one!!! My mother used to volunteer to help me with my children and she absolutely takes responsibility of my oldest daughter. If I had to do it again I'd NEVER let her have that much time with my children
I found AI very helpful with my guilt & helps activate my prefrontal cortex .
If you remember it’s a computer, it’s nice to hear the reassurance coming from something else while you’re learning to do it for yourself.
I’m sure with many things, too much of a good thing can get you lost! So stay focused on the why.
“Conditional love” is what resonates with me the most. I was coerced into badmouthing people that I loved in pursuit of appeasing the narcissist. This is probably something I will never forgive myself for, because the people I badmouthed on behalf of the narcissist have leaved about it in time, and how do you explain something like that? Narcissists will do this to their victims though as a way of keeping their hands cleaning and making YOU look bad and feel small.
My mother compared me to 2 aunts and uncles on my dads side to say I was as miserable as they were, I replied that means I’m nothing like your side of the family, I’ll take it thanks! First time ever the narcissist shut up for a minute. She never did revisit that devaluation, that was a one of victory.
My mother: If you don't do this for me it means that you don't love me. I heard this several times as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. We all passed it off as 'there goes mom again ', but this stuff stays with me. Even though I know what she's doing, it still affects me. I'm in my 60s now but I still feel chained ( or shackled).
Many of us have made sacrifices for them. My parents owned apartments and as a young teenager I was expected to help clean them. I honestly don't remember if they gave me a choice. They did pay me a decent wage and I learned some skills. But in retrospect there are other (more valuable) skills that i could have been learning. I now see it as a sacrifice. A child (I was about 14) shouldn't be put in that position.
My dad made a ton of sabotaging decisions in my life and once he divorced my mom he said he could have made better choices but didn't and he said why did God give him a family like you guys he said he had detach from all of us he pitted against each other and than said we never listened to him that's why we have miserable lives
Editing and rewriting history 😂 this uplifted me so much!
Spent years bewildered at the story of my parents amazing marriage…. Really???!!!
"You're always so violent" my dad used to say.
"Only with you cause I learned from the best" was ALWAYS my reply. He hated that line.
God this is my family, and why I don’t deal with them anymore.
Boy did Jerry just describe my mom's favorite tactic in trying to hurt me, using biblical scriptures to deliver her gut punch! Thank you for playing through how to respond. This is very helpful.
You’re welcome!
Then that means I am the guilty one because my mother's refusal to ever (I mean not once) come to my home two hours away was me being a narcissist?
Mine are 5 minutes away. He can't pretend to be king shit if he's in a home I OWN. Whereas he can pretend in his own sick mind when he's in the house "HE RENTS" from my golden child brother
My grandmother did help pay for my College, and said that I “owed her”. She would make me clean her house for her, a lot, and very often. I also had to run errands for her.
Oh my goodness Holy Spirit on fire 🔥 💯🙏🏽🙌🏽thanks for being His vessel ! Appreciate you HUGELY🙌🏽💯
My favorite comparison is the "you're so like [my SIL]"; except she's so terribly creative, and good at gardening and all the feminine things I hate. I love her to bits but my mother is so proud of her.