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so grateful to have come across your video <3 i am in my twenties now and was recently hospitalized for what I believe was a very bad meltdown. I’m seeking an autism diagnosis now. thank you for sharing ❤️

Sexuality is a gift.

Thank you for making this video

Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story.

Hahah. I wanna see a video of you sharing spontaneously all that goes through your head during a certain period of time. I'm ready! xD Grrreat videos. Finding them helpful.

Thank you for being so honest about your experiences. We are NOT okay just because we can mask. I wish you the very best for the future! ❤❤

Thank you so much for talking about this subject & how you felt & coped. My goodness again I'm with you in all of this. I suffer with chronic migrains which I'm sure are triggered by my sensory overload & incapability to tolerate most people or social situations. The choice: lonely or potential agony, oh how lovely. & those headaches last for DAYS. It makes me feel pretty vulnerable, but I'm super stubborn & a fighter so I refuse to crawl under a rock, (mostly), but I do know I can be laid low for days if I interact like the standard model human. And yep I only truly feel at ease when I'm alone, with animals or fossicking about in nature, hedge bothering or pebble spotting & the like! Connection with all animals & nature is my absolute core! I simply feel like I am free to be my true self then. Do you greet every creature you meet? Cats, dogs, insects? Yep 'it's a thing' as the populous say. Oh & on being non-average, YES! I'm definitely a chocolate covered pickle alright! The sensory issues, I totally connect with you on that, honestly, my body is 'a right pain in the arse', as we say here over the pond. I even have the joy of random sporadic shooting pains, nerves firing in random places, do you have that? Why body, why? Ugh it can all get too much. But like you, I do try to take the absurdist view, (when I have the physical / mental energy to). It's by far the best way to look at things! Certainly less destructive. That said, I do live with passive S Ideation & have done ever since I can remember, I just live with it, because it raises its farty shroud oh so often, so I usually recognise it (eventually) & try to push through. So often I deal with not being able to cope, revisiting uncomfortable & down right vile things that have happened, from years ago, decades even. I live with cptsd I'm sure, (not professionally diagnosed, but I'm not an idiot), so I have a lot of recurrent themes that resurface. Isolation is such a common thing with us lot isn't it? I guess it's down to self preservation for me. I do have a partner who I live with & I find that so difficult! I'm still not diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure... Its tough sometimes to keep pushing through. I too have lost friends to the 'desire to expire' & I find myself thinking about the topic of 'the end' a lot. I can't help it. I lost my lovely canine companion years ago, she was my all & I have a lot of guilt & self loathing on how I feel I failed her, even though I'm told I didn't, I can't let that go & the thought of welcoming in another animal companion fills me with dread, because of 'the end'. The last few years have been terrible for losing loved ones & I just feel shell shocked from that. I lost people who meant so much to me, they were amazing people & trying to fathom that they do not exist in flesh and yet are so real in my mind is utterly baffling. The world feels smaller without them in it. Anyway, as ever your video has been a great comfort. Apologies for writing an essay as usual! Hmmm, shall I delete? Ah, nope. Thanks if you made it this far! Have a beautiful day x

My life is in a disarray. Every day feels like it lasts 4 times as long and I have to use medications and substances to slow my mind and make it manageable. I feel Death calling me. I'm avoiding it as best as I know how.

Love this so much! My suicidal ideation would make me disgusted with myself, and feel hypocritical. I value and love life, hurting bugs and plants hurts a little. No matter how old someone is i feel they were too young, then at same time I'm literally jealous of people that died.

We late diagnosed share a similar past: knowing that there is something wrong with us, that we are somehow different, and that we cannot name it for our life so far. And then one day the tsunami of realization, the day when all the puzzle pieces fall into place. It's sometimes difficult not to question your current life. I resonate with much you were talking about, I am self diagnosed at the age of 58. My son 18years old is autistic too. I love to listen to rain ambience here on YT after stressful situations, it helps to calm down. You are not alone, greets from Germany!

Thank you for sharing your story.

For me sound sensitivity is key, but it's specific to chaotic or non musical sounds. Also leaf blowers and 2-stroke engines People chewing, being loud relative to others. It's all about rate of change and intensity. 😊 ❤ nature and your art. Lol

HI Holly, It's good to talk about these sorts of things, to get them out in the open so that we can all see that we're not alone in feeling that way sometimes. After a period like that myself I decided to spend some time trying to dissect the reason behind it. For me I fantisised about actually being dead and what that would be like. At that time it seemed like a desirable place to be. I imagined being somewhere completely dark and quiet. I realised much later (when I had learned what autism was and realised that the hat fitted very well) that what I was fantisising about was being in a quiet place, by myself, with no distractions or interruptions. I think at the time I was really, really needing more alone time than was possible (very small children) and I was probably pretty burnt out at the time too. Also it's another example of how I found the Internal Family Systems therpary model useful - to realise that I have a PART of me who sees suicide as a perfectly acceptable and reasonable option. But that PART of me is not ALL of me. When that part expresses the desire to be dead, or suggets that woudl be a good idea, it's because he's spotted there's a problem. And so now I listen to the message and delve deeper to work out what's not right that needs sorting out. Then one last comment before this gets too long (I'm learning 🙂) Limerance - I found out what that is the other week. Another revelation. Currently going down the rabbithole of learning about attachment theory and attactment styles. Big can of worms, very interesting and insightful. I would recommend Heidi Priebe's youtube channel very highly. Take care and I hope you feel better soon.

truths aren't convenient, women do not get screened for autism as much as boys(manual labor) since society already expects the woman to get married and coddled modernly. Also i think having common sense or being acutely self aware isn't a mental illness its all a farce

This is so spot on... Wow *tears*

Same here... Diagnosed at 39 with similar situation. It's been crazy going through this transition... No support your whole life and not knowing my issues were autistic related. I don't have any real friends currently, due to isolation. So much has changed, seeing life through the lense of sober and ASD. *hugs* Sending love from San Diego ❤

Life without drugs is so hard. It’s painful… like seriously painful to exist or think. Thank God for meds and caffeine and drugs but I wish it weren’t this way

Life without drugs is so hard. It’s painful… like seriously painful to exist or think. Thank God for meds and caffeine and drugs but I wish it weren’t this way

Very hard. I am so tired all the time. :don’t like it. I’m fifty w supposed Bipolar 2 and AdD . I also suspect ASD for sure, but wish I wasn’t so tired all the time

I am really finding your videos helpful, i see so much of me in your words. Thanks.

Aun eres joven. Tomate tu tiempo y espacio. Tu proceso es tuyo y tu decides en que términos o de que manera lo llevas a cabo. Te deseo lo mejor. Creo que eres una persona genial.

People whistling! I'm generally becoming less tolerant of annoying sounds in general.

My son has been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD very early in life and has had the ideation since he was 3 or 4. It started out with him wanting to end the video game to get a new life since he was playing Mario games a lot at the time. I had to put a hook latch high up so he could not get out on the baloney since he would make a comment about going there. He had many very big emotional swings from time to time over the years that would lead to serious situations. Almost 12 now he's only just this year calmed down in intensity with anxiety medication and maturity. He's gained the ability to reason with his thoughts and correct for himself. Just yesterday he made a comment of self reflection with some troubling thoughts he had about friendships that showed me he's grown so much over the past 5 months since the last time he was having really big difficulties. I was so proud of him. I can fully relate to a lot of what you say from my past also. Feeling like I don't fit in to any group, uncomfortable in social things, and oh my god the projection that people would put on me (good and bad). But having my kids, especially my oldest son along with other "life situations" pointed me into a good direction so far to have a greater understanding and still learning of typicals, neurotypicals and myself.

(Oops -this was supposed to be a reply, but I’ll leave it here 😆) Music helps with so many things for me! Basically anything that requires action and/or movement. (I just can’t have music with lyrics while someone is talking bc it runs together). I wish I could start my morning slow & ease into the day bc I am not a morning person. It’s great that you work around others on the spectrum. The kind of support we find in the community has been very helpful to me personally. Self-acceptance and accommodations have certainly improved my quality of life. Thanks for watching! 😊

Explains a few things doesn't it. Why you extend beyond your body sometimes. When you sleep at night, does your sense of touch extend out into the room or go beyond.

we will all expire soon enough. no need to rush it

💚

Blondie in China

I am crying. Parallel lives.❤

Super interesting! I absolutely love light touches, to the point i have to hide how good it feels when someone touches me. Takes my knees out!

Carol Stills!! That's who you reminded me of! 😂 That's so funny hearing you were mad at your parents about Santa. I wonder how long it would have taken me to figure it out, I was told by a playground kid at around the age of 6 and was pretty rocked that mom would lie. I was atheist by 10, didn't discover the word tho until 12-13 and was so relieved that I wasn't the only sane person. Sorry, 😅 I realize there are plenty of insane atheist. The entire afterlife business has always sounded very stupid to me, and why I knew I didn't believe it.

Desire to expire is such a great way to describe passive suicidal ideation. I sometimes wonder what life would be like wanting to wake up every morning. That thought is more alien to me than the thought of having a rich social network.

Thank you for sharing. You described my life. Very recent late diagnosis has at least made much of my past make sense for the first time.

My special interest is science!! Do I have faith?🤔 Yes!! I don't discount a higher power. I have an open mind and the human perception on God, gods or higher power was a human perception at it's start. We can't fault how we evolved as we progressed. I don't fully believe Darwins theories. I think if we look at Sumerian text and compare to the Old Testament, the Quran or the Torah you will see similarities with a different perception of what was witnessed or perceived to be witnessed it's pretty compelling. We don't need to congregate to follow our faith and faith does not have to be religion. Whatever a person accepts I support their choice. I am an Episcopalian and confirmed in that church. My thoughts.👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️

Do you use instagram?

Let me start by saying you are not alone!!♾️ I have Autism/ADHD and I am also an empath. I am late self diagnosed under the the care of my Dr. a psychiatrist and a therapist. I had a mental breakdown just over 1 year ago and set up therapy before the breakdown (I knew it was coming) I had no clue how extreme it was going to be. My brain rewired and unmasked and it was a 7 day breakdown. I have 2 thought processes and 2 voices, my autistic thought to speech was never there or it was when i was young and was an extreme masker. I'm very autistic forward and i stutter and stammer when i speak most of the time. I am a regular stimmer so it's an all day trait and this includes vocal stims. I'm 58 and I do have autism in my family. Every day is a challenge, thought to actions has also changed. One of my special interests is cooking and never had to put a lot of thought into cooking but now it's a huge challenge for me to do this because of how much thought that has to go into it now. Music does help because it does help my mind not wander as i put ingredients together so a bit more focus on the task. I cut and polish gemstones as a hobby and added music to that early on. A hobby that is over 5 years now, the longest hobby ever!! What I have come to realize is that validation from people who just engage with me really helps and if i can speak on my special interests that's even more validation which helps to motivate my thoughts in a positive way. Showing people my artistic view with my gems, which includes opals, really gives me a boost. It gives me self worth and self meaning. Now the tricky part with most is stimming, you have to have to have to stim as much as your central nervous system needs, you have to let it go. The steps I took, I work in a middle school as a custodian 2nd shift. The first 1.5 hours of my day are with teachers and some students so yes I stim as i push a broom. Bingo, dingo, nonsense sounds, and if i stop to talk to a teacher, I'm either rocking or bouncing on my toes. I set up my environment so i could succeed with being me. I confided in a teacher to let the entire staff in the building know what i was going through during the change. I had repetitive tics during the 7 day change, they stopped for a month and came back for 3 and have stopped for the most part so it was a very difficult time mentally. I did get appoached by some staff members who are also on the spectrum and this all gave me comfort and was an extremely hard step for me to take. I used to be cool and calm and well not exactly level headed but almost!!🤪🤣♾️ What I have learned about myself in this journey. I suffered from anxiety/panic disorder with depression most of my life. Didn't know what it was when i was young but went on Paxil in my 30's and took it up until a few months back. I rationalized that I no longer needed the Paxil the reason is I concluded the anxiety/panic disorder was from masking my autism and adhd because my central nervous system was regulating with negative energy from the suppession. I did go into a bad burnout after weaning off the Paxil (not associated with it though) and started on Prozac because i needed a boost to come out of the dark abyss and have had no bad anxiety. I am a nervous/anxious person but excited anxiety not bad anxiety. This of course raises my hyperness and when I'm at work I'm hyper and excited and yay more stimming than if i were at home!!🤭🤭 Being an empath helps me to read people when they see and hear me and people don't care, i present as a totally different person than over a year ago and i do ask people if I am and they say yes. That's me finally, in so many ways I am free and so many ways trying to learn how to navigate my day. There is one place i can go to feel as 1 and that would be hiking in the woods, all the stimulation for my autism and all the stimulation for my adhd they become 1 i can turn off my thoughts here as well, a euphoric feeling really!!🤔👀 One thing too, our ability to be monotropic thinkers gives us the ability to be very introspective and dive into our mental state. I think this is extremely important so we can really learn who we are and what our abilities really are. Once you accept who you are you will start to love yourself even more. The ultimate goal is to be yourself for an overall healthy life, I never said normal🤭 but normal is not us, and quite honestly, there is no normal only about the same because we are all unique. As weird as I am there are weird people out there from me but i enjoy weird. Start focusing on your special abilities and your special interests it really does help. Since my mornings are mostly free, I do not plan anything I go with my flow and every transition of my day is a process of adjustments and i have accepted that. Is my day level and smooth absolutely not!!🤪🤪🤣🤣♾️ I define myself with my special abilities, I also know my abilities exceed the abilities of the neurotypical!!🥳🥳 I'm probably 45 minutes in so before this becomes my book which would be tiltled Autismal Plurality The Art of The Neuro🌶Spicy!! ©️ Thanks for sharing!!👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️

I'm wired very similar. Been through a dip recently and the 'desire to expire' is a good description. I've always usually described it as 'waiting for an apocalypse.'

OK as an 'out' autist, I'm going to do the _autistic empathy_ thing and it might just be needed. I hope not, but it might be. I'm sat here trying to remember the times in the past month, and couple of years, when I was completely committed to the 'reality' that _expiry was requiry_ and I'm drawing blanks. I intellectually know that I've toyed with exit bag plans or whatever several times this year, and I intellectually know that in 2021/22 things were far worse and I was looking toward the appropriate nuances for more _imminent_ schedules. I intellectually remember times twenty years ago and thirty years ago when that X was flashing bright black on black. But I have _no direct empathy_ for those states of my own. Yet here you are, understanding what it _used to mean_ . The X is now flashing a dark and pressing RED. Are you ok _now_ ? I honestly hope I'm mistaking your intellectual understanding for this phenomenon for something adjacent to a different kind of meaning. Can't do anything sat here apart from *this* : I (and many many other people) am extremely glad that you're in the world. If you don't mind, I'd really appreciate it if you'd hang around here (on this planet, and this website if you want) for a few decades. Would that be ok? Back to the absurdism, yes! It's a valuable thing. On a tangent (how inappopriate is _that_ in a comment like *this* lol but you can relate lol) I can't help wonder about the late great Mark E Smith. Evidence is conflicted, and *obviously* he was a drunk, druggy type of weirdo, but there's a video where, to my grug brain, he looks like he's stimming. That would fit with all the 'weird' lyrics. Trigger warning: he swears a LOT ua-cam.com/video/FBvG9zsQrPo/v-deo.html - someone who does _that_ with pens *and* writes songs like "Jawbone and the Air Rifle" is of interest to my absurdist mind!

Thank you for opening up. There's a bunch of people here who are all extremely glad of _autistic inertia_ today! Are those your artworks by the way? Are you still doing stuff / thinking about stuff along artistic lines? (omg the wordplay seeps right into your identity: are you _artistic_ or *autistic* ? _both_ lol) I'm highly confused about the difference between general masking and _camouflaging_ as well. You're great at pinning concepts down and delineating the moving parts so your thoughts on that would definitely be interesting. You're definitely helping people with this video. When we meet a funny, smart, pretty person who we instinctively look up to, it's not intuitively obvious that she's been where we've been. I forget who said this but someone pointed out that the logical brain is potentially dangerous when it comes to the desire to expire (as you touchingly put it) because we're not _only_ desperate to stop painful possibilities and downward trajectories: we're also figuring out a practical solution, so faced with a choice between permanent alcoholism and despair versus clicking X to check out.... the latter can seem reasonable, at the worst possible time for it to seem reasonable! Just very glad that you _dithered_ because you definitely need to exist. That's not 100% selfish: it could be fun for you as well! You raised an interesting link as well between good sense and 'hypervigilance' : as always, rational courses of action are pathologised - if the facts of the matter dictate that you *do* need to be 'constantly on the look-out' then it cannot simultaneously be _disordered behaviour_ to do the rationally necessary thing. It never ceases to blow my mind that a large number of people honestly believe that the best way to avoid _serious-and-probable_ negative consequences is to _not worry about it_ lol That laugh @ "when you don't know your autistic" :D it _is_ absurd! We're not idiots, but we went _decades_ *as smart adults who DON'T just coast through the universe but instead actually think about shit* _completely ignorant of pretty basic parts_ of our 'direct subjective experience' that others have _no difficulty in noticing, even if not necessarily naming_ . @ "I'm not average" - the 'spider model' - awesome at some things, wet-the-bed hopeless at other things..... little moment of empathy with the NTs: _it's not surprising they caricature that very real state of affairs as something more obvious and visible: Rain Man_ - it's incorrect and in some ways harmful but it's not a bad metaphor that they came up with. We might not _be_ the guy who can count all the cards but not tie his shoelaces, but we're _on a spectrum_ with that person (yeah I know, wasn't based on an autistic person) * 'spectrum' in the intuitive sense that NTs use....... but yeah the spiky profile spider model 'not average' gets right to the heart of things. omG I came on here to leave a very short-and-sweet "awwww there there" type comment but that sodding brain is _not going to allow that_ lol Are you getting more animals? x

No Leaders Please invent yourself and then reinvent yourself, don’t swim in the same slough. invent yourself and then reinvent yourself and stay out of the clutches of mediocrity. invent yourself and then reinvent yourself, change your tone and shape so often that they can never categorize you. reinvigorate yourself and accept what is but only on the terms that you have invented and reinvented. be self-taught. and reinvent your life because you must; it is your life and its history and the present belong only to you. Charles Bukowski

Thanks for sharing this experience!

What you describe as "desire to expire" is passive suicidal ideation. Is basically the suicidal ideation minus the planning and the wanting to be the one to end your own life. Instead, you just sort of get this vibe of wanting the universe to be the one to put you out of your misery, either by random illness, being hit by a car, just going to sleep and not waking up the next day, etc. It's a really odd mind space of not really wanting to die but not really wanting to be alive either and it's super hard to explain to people who have never experienced it.

Love the video. Both of my exs had told me that they didn't like that I was cleaner (extremely organized) and in better shape before moving in together. Like, I have to clean up after you now and we spend all our free time together and they wouldn't exercise with me. 10 years in 1BR apt was so tough in retrospect, never having my own space was very difficult and I realize that I can't lose it again. I need room for pacing/talking out loud to made up people sometimes in character/dancing if you can call it that, and I can't do that stuff in front of anyone. Love you!

so pleased you’re ok. somewhere along the line in my younger days i squared it away as something i would never do, like killing someone else. i’ve also found i can suffer like a champ, knowing that ‘this too shall pass’

reminds me a bit of.Henry Rollins... "I know you You are too short You had bad skin You couldn't talk to them very well Words didn't seem to work They lied when they came out of your mouth You tried so hard to understand them You wanted to be part of what was happening You saw them having fun And it seemed like such a mystery Almost magic Made you think there was something wrong with you You'd look in the mirror trying to find it You thought you were ugly And everyone was looking at you So you learned to be invisible To look down To avoid conversation The hours, days, weekends Ah the weekend nights alone Where were you? In the basement? In the attic? In your room? Working some job? Just to have something to do? Just to have a place to put yourself? Just to have a way to get away from them A chance to get away from the ones who made you feel so strange and Ill-at-ease inside yourself Did you ever get invited to one of their parties? You sat and wondered if you would go or not For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire They would laugh at you If you'd know what to do If you would had the right things on If they' d notice you came from a different planet Did you get all brave in your thoughts? Like you were going to go in there and deal with it And have a great time Did you think that you might be the life of the party? That all these people were going to talk to you To find out that you were wrong That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so strange after all Did you end up going? Did they mess with you? Did they single you out? Did you find out you were invited because they thought you were so weird Yeah, I think I know you You spent alot of time full of hate A hate as pure as sunshine A hate that saw for miles A hate that kept you up at night A hate that filled your every waking moment A hate that carried you for a long time Yes, I think I know you You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived Home was not home Your room was home A corner was home The place they weren't That was home I know you You're sensitive and you hide cuz you fear getting stepped on one more time It seems that when you show a part of yourself That is the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you One of them steps on you They mistake kindness for weakness But you know the difference You've been the brunt of their weakness for years And strength is something you know a bit about Because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive You know yourself very well you now And you don't trust people You know them too well You try to find that special person Someone you can be with Someone you can touch Someone you can talk to Someone you wont feel so strange around And you found that they don't really exist You feel closer to people on movie screens Yeah, I think I know you You spend a lot of time day dreaming And people have made comment to that affect Telling you that your self involved and self centered But they don't know do they? About the long night shifts alone About the years of keeping yourself company All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself so you could imagine someone holding you The hours of indecision, self doubt, The intense depression The blinding hate the rage that made you stagger The devastation of rejection Well, maybe they do know But if they do they sure do a good job of hiding it It astounds you how they can be so smooth How they seem to pass through life As if life itself was some divine gift And it infuriates you to watch yourself With your apparent skill in finding every way possible to screw it up For you life is a long trip Terrifying and wonderful Birds sing to you at night The rain and the sun The changing seasons are true friends Solitude is a hard won allie Faithful and patient Yeah I think I know you

In Highschool I used to listen to The Suicidal Tendencies to chase away the Suicidality You Can’t Bring Me Down What the hell is going on around here? First off, let's take it from the start Straight out, can't change what's in my heart No one can tear my beliefs apart You can't bring me You ain't never seen no one like me Prevail regardless what the cost might be Power flows inside of me You can't bring me Never fall as long as I try Refuse to be a part of your lie Even if it means I die You can't bring me You can't bring me down Who the hell you calling crazy? You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson Was eating fruit loops on your front porch Time out, let's get something clear I speak more truth than you want to hear Scapegoat to cover up your fear You can't bring me You ain't never seen so much might Fight for what I know is right What up? You got yourself a fight You can't bring me Stand up, we'll all sing along Together ain't nothin' as strong Won't quit, we ain't in the wrong You can't bring me You can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down You can't bring me down Tell them what's up, Rocky You can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down You can't bring me down So why you trying to bring me? Well, you can't bring me down, no, no, no, no Can't bring me down, no, no, no, no, no, no Can't bring me down, no, no, no, no, no, no Can't bring me down, no, no, no, no, no, no So why you trying to bring? Well, you can't bring me down Just 'cause you don't understand what's going on Don't mean it don't make no sense And just 'cause you don't like it, don't mean it ain't no good And let me tell you something Before you go taking a walk in my world You better take a look at the real world 'Cause this ain't no Mister Roger's neighborhood Can you say, "Feel like shit"? Yeah, maybe sometimes I do feel like shit I ain't happy 'bout it, but I'd rather feel like shit than be full of shit And if I offended you, oh, I'm sorry, but maybe you need to be offended But here's my apology, and one more thing Fuck you! You can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no Bring me down, you can't bring me down You can't bring me down Can't bring me down! Can't bring me down! You can't bring me down! Suicidal

Most people are not awake in even the most basic ways. Look to those on the same path as you! Isolation is THE gift! “If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.” ― Charles Bukowski, What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire-

People emit a strange sound to me, as I grow older I realize it is the echo of my words and thoughts in their hollow selves!

I can totally relate to everything you talked about. Thank you so much for sharing your story

Thanks for sharing.