Relationship Issues of a Late Diagnosed Neurodivergent
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- Опубліковано 16 вер 2024
- A very unprofessional video about why I’m bad at relationships. (Sorry for the road noise & falling camera 😂 ) How communication issues, literal thinking, pattern recognition, sensory issues, etc. affected my past (pre-diagnosis) relationships as a late-diagnosed autistic woman.
"Industrial drill-bit diamond." I love it! 😂
I'm autistic and I relate to this so much. I've been in 5 long term relationships and I was never able to communicate my needs. I would put up with things so much without addressing it and it builds up so much resentment to where I just can't look at them same and I'd eventually leave and they would be totally surprised by it.
It’s totally frustrating to be unable to communicate needs & boundaries, especially if your attempts are repeatedly shut down or ignored. In some cases you know that they know what they’re doing is wrong & hurtful, but they do it anyway. We shouldn’t have to ask someone to treat us with respect & dignity. I guess people who have never been held accountable will always be surprised when it finally happens.
I have trouble expressing how helpful and encouraging your videos are. Thank you for your honesty and determination. ❤
You’re very welcome! Thank you so much for watching! It’s very encouraging to me when others find these relatable & helpful. 🙂❤️
Thanks for doing this video. Happy Ordinary Day.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Thanks for watching & Happy Ordinary Day to you too! 🙂
I hear you. I think my current relationship is better because we don't live together. We may someday, but I feel like a lot of questions would have to be answered for me to feel comfortable with that. Married twice before also. I feel like I lose track of what is important to me when living with other people. Hoping someday I figure that out, but I agree, it's not easy.
I also find myself losing track of what’s important to me when living with others. Or maybe just being unable to focus on or not having time for the things that are important to me. I often tend to put my needs/wants on hold for others.
You both called me out totally here. In relationships, and especially living together, I am completely lost in just trying to keep up with the other person's "demands/needs"
@@chriscivarra471 It seems to be my relationship default setting to ignore myself & tend to the other person, at least if we’re cohabiting.
I don't live with my boyfriend but I do stay at his house on the weekends. We have been together for 13 years. People think it is strange that we don't live together and aren't married but we do what works for us.
@@Catlily5 Your relationship has lasted longer than both of my marriages combined. Doing things your way seems like it works very well. My boyfriend & I have agreed that we’ll do what’s best for us, not what is best for others or what others think is best. It’s a different approach than that I’ve taken in the past, so hopefully it yields a different result.
Sounds like me! Found a great guy now that I don’t have to set boundaries with cause he treats me with respect and seeks to understand my needs. And I him!
Being told that I misunderstand does make me shut down and I end up giving up on communicating. That's basically what happened in my last friendship and it ended.
@@turquoisetoile-universalethics I’m sorry that happened! It’s so frustrating when you realize there’s no point in even trying. 😕
I think living together in our 1 br apt has seriously done major damage over the past year since we moved in together. It's just all falling apart. And that's even with better communication lately. (Long story of how I even got to the point of communicating better..yikes that was a journey)
I've realized that being "observed" or even "passively observed" leaves me on edge even in the area that is "safe" (home). It's like I have to be on standby mode all the time. Even if we are in different rooms it's like the anticipation that a interaction COULD happen.
This is after putting it together that at work I always feel better when I'm not observed. Then I realized it applied to personal life too. I thought my partner was exempt from that. I feel guilty that he is not exempt from it. I feel guilty that I notice a sharp decline in my mood when he is around vs when I'm alone. It's the active or passive observation. CONSTANTLY. Knowing at any point he can ask a question or talk to me and now I have to use words... then feeling guilty that I even think and feel like this.
Everything was perfect prior to living together.
There's truly no good solutions that we haven't already tried, being in separate rooms is like a minor fix, and that's not feasible all the time since this apartment consists of 2 rooms and only 1 has a tv and 1 has computers. We are stuck here ... indefinitely, so... it's a matter of seeing if it can survive long enough for a major change in the future
I didn't fully understand I was ND prior to moving in, and a lot of this blindsided me. I don't know if I would do things the same way with this hindsight.
I hope things get better for you! You’ve probably already tried it, but maybe you could both arrange for times to be home alone? That can be hard to do depending on schedules, I know. (And for me, finding somewhere to go in the meantime).
I can totally relate to the feeling of being observed, even passively, being stressful. I know now that I need a safe place to be unobserved, where I can control all of my environmental stimuli. My bf & I can stay together at each other’s houses when we want, but we both need our own space.
Holy shit you just made me realize why I smoked for some relationships, it was an excuse to go outside and be alone for sometimes hours, I’d bring my iPad and just escape. Wow. Being alone and quitting smoking felt okay because I didn’t need to leave my house anymore.
This is a good argument for normalizing alone time in relationships! I wonder how many people smoke just to have time alone. I was probably seen as rude bc I’d just say, “I’m going outside”, take my coffee or whatever, & just sit outside. Not even give them an excuse.😆
With regards to co-habitation:
Maybe the best solution would be to live in two separate houses that are next-door to each other. Keep in touch throughout the day by text message, and schedule specific times to be together.
My boyfriend & I think that buying a duplex is a great idea, each living in our own sides.😄 But for now, our current setup living independently works pretty well.
Agree 100%, and wish I could make this happen. It seems like the only way
@@Sensory0verlord But with a duplex, you'd still be living independently. The point of the duplex is to eliminate the car ride. 😀
Iv been together with my partner for 12 years and I didn’t no I was autistic till year 11 ( last year) I had one long term relationship before that was absolutely devastation but my partner now we only moved in together after 10 years so we had all those years I couldn’t cope with change so I couldn’t live together I was aggressive in meltdowns and our relationship was pretty toxic for the first two years , but slowly without us noticing we slowly peeled the layers and started to understand I couldn’t cope in many situations although without knowing why , we have now lived together two years and it’s been pretty great the first few months was rough but after that it’s been really nice but it took so so much work to get here x
It’s great that you & your partner were able to grow & come to understand each other better. Knowing more about why things were happening to you must really help. I’m glad things are better.
I resonate with this so much that I can't put it into words. so much pain and sadness after being diagnosed at 50. but at least I'm not so confused and frightened anymore. I'm learning to look after me first these days. thanks for showing me I'm autisticly normal 😊
I’m simultaneously happy you can relate and sorry for the pain you’ve experienced that makes this relatable! And yes- taking care of yourself first is imperative for nervous system regulation. I used to think self-care meant self pampering. Now I see it as “required system maintenance”. Makes much more sense that way!
Patient, tolerant people who are able to analyze situations from another person's POV are extremely undervalued. In my opinion, the number of people who take the time to do this, in a truly neutral manner, is relatively low. People like yourself are generally taken advantage of because the other person they are interacting with (partner, friend, etc) is not reciprocating this courtesy. If you have this skill, you should really only be in a relationship with another person who has this skill (easier said than done) or you will be taken advantage of. I've seen this time and time again. All the best to you.
I try to see things from others’ perspectives, but I realize that I am limited, just as they’re limited when trying to see things from mine. I guess what I mean is that my analysis can be flawed, especially given that my brain works differently than most. That’s not a justification for the times in which people took advantage, just something I’ve come to realize, accepting that I don’t know what lies behind every behavior. Taking care of myself first & listening to my nervous system really helps. It’s so much better when I don’t allow my relationship to consume me.
currently going through divorce and a lot of this hits home. Think I'll stay single
Being single for a while after divorce was definitely good for me. Helped me to realize how healthy being single can be!
I was worried about living with someone, but my husband and I have our own bedrooms and he’s not a messy Marvin. He also wears headphones when he’s up longer than me and watching TV, so I’m not disturbed when trying to sleep.
Having separate bedrooms is a great idea & could probably save a few relationships & stop some sleep disturbances if more people would give it a try. It’s nice that your husband is so considerate!
No being direct also stressed me out…but also my having to tip tie and not be direct is also draining but neurotypical can’t handle direct communication. That’s why they are so indirect cause they see it as rude.
“…But you never yelled about it.”
That sounds quite immature.
Yet, I admit having been guilty of it too.
He grew up in an environment where yelling was a common way to communicate strong emotions. I did too, but I also hated being in that environment due to my sensory issues & the anxiety it caused.
You are carismatic❤❤
And funny!
Great video and I can relate.
I need my own space ❤❤❤
Thank you! 😊 I tend to freeze up when people are present. Guess I’m more relaxed when I’m recording myself. 😆
@@Sensory0verlord yes this was amazing🍀😍🥰
I'm a Catholic. I just go to Mass on the Feast of St. Valentine
That makes sense. Probably less pressure & stress involved.
Usually guys (in general) only understand action. They don't self correct unless your actions (usually leaving the relationship) affect them. There are exceptions to this, but they are relatively rare. Your words don't matter very much. Actions do.
@@thepragmatist I‘ve learned the hard way to pay attention to actions & not *only* words. Actions tend to be more honest. But it can be very frustrating when words are ignored to the point where you’re forced to take action.
@@Sensory0verlord I completely agree.
The "you never yelled about it" is gaslighting. As a woman, if you "yell about things", then you're considered "crazy" or "overbearing".
@@thepragmatist That can definitely be true. Due to the environment in which he grew up, he (sadly) expected to be yelled at, especially if it was important.
Obviously more issues are co-occurring, such as autism, and C-ptsd. Rigid honesty would be to spill the entire detailed psych evaluation, yet that is legally unadvised. Medical records are legally private for good reasons. The games of life can be complex at times for everyone. So finding the fun and joy and contentment are the rewards that make it all worthwhile.
Autism definitely. And you’re right about legality and privacy. Finding joy and all of the good things comes much easier having answers and knowing which accommodations are needed to make life more enjoyable.
Whoa. I had a friend blame me for not expressing a boundary (I'd done nothing but express over and over and over again) BECAUSE I didn't explode, yell, and rage about it. It understand that expectation can be set in families of origin but, in an system where words are used, respected as representing people's reality, taken seriously & acted upon, I'm not so convinced that it is entirely genuine. It has a real gaslighting feel to me .... when after passively refusing to deal with a situation, blaming another for not engaging them some other way beyond plainly spoken words over and over and over again.
I mean, sure, it might be on the neurodivergent person for not realizing stating their needs over and over again is not a workable solution, but I also don't think it should always be 100% the ND person's responsibility to train others to use their words and listen to other people's words. This is basic kindergarten-level things we teach children. "Use your words" implies "Listen to (and act on) other people's words," no? I think a lot of people let $h!+ slide in relationships with ND people because they think they can get away with it. I'll go so far as to say I think some people seek out ND people for relationships because they think they can get away with their crappiness so much longer. I think being different means we've had so many situations where we've been misunderstood and marginalized, that we are much more likely to empathetically and creatively explore why someone's behaving a particular way, give grace, and bend ourselves around out-of-the-box solutions to meet everyone's needs in the relationship. The thing is, when that's not reciprocal, that's now a red flag to me. ND folks are so often in relationships that are so much more taxing on them than on their partners. That is not balanced, fair, right, or even loving.
I don’t think that particular ex was a bad person with bad intentions. I truly think it was a failure to comprehend. Some people say communication is key, but I don’t believe that’s 100% correct. I think COMPREHENSION is key. No amount of communication can be successful without comprehension. I’m not a great communicator when it comes to spoken words, and I need time to process what another is saying in order to comprehend. At least I’m aware of that now. Some people think that they’re great communicators just because they’re good at talking when they’re terrible at listening & totally fail at comprehending.
I’ve had someone say “use your words” in a derogatory way to me when I was struggling to speak before a meltdown. I don’t think he realized that implied anything at all. But that guy is probably an example of someone who might seek out an ND in order to take advantage and then blame the ND for not enforcing boundaries with enough gusto.
Yes,@@Sensory0verlord, listening is a terribly undervalued aspect of communication. Listening isn't just passive hearing but active, empathetic, and checking in with clarifying questions toward deeper comprehension.
Also, that's awful that "use your words" was used derogatorily when you were going non-verbal. I'm learning way more ways my heavily masked life actually showed non-verbal characteristics of autism. Some were around distress, like going into a meltdown as you mentioned, but some were ordinary. I enjoy nature as many NTs do but part of my loving being in nature is being alone and just being... not just without others to converse with but releasing the language stream in my head so I can simply experience being. I was raised hyper religious with much fasting with the liturgical calendar. I remember one time thinking, "What if I did a word fast... spend an entire day without speaking as a spiritual discipline?" I don't suspect so many NTs would think that, let alone find the experience gloriously liberating. LOL
I like the "Use your words" as a way to get NTs not to touch me non-consensually but, yah, I get how it can be intentionally or unintentionally weaponized against ND people too.
Great video! I kind of suck at relationships I have Auphenia
Thank you! I had to look up auphenia, and now I’m thinking of two diagnosed schizophrenic women I know and wondering 🤔
O wow, I would definitely not respond well to someone suggesting I change my appearance, I would say "up yours buddy"
😆I probably should have! I divorced him, so I guess that’s one way of doing it. But yes, he apparently wanted to be my personal trainer & stylist. F that.
@@Sensory0verlord it feels much better to be accepted as you are
@@heedmydemands Yes it does!
@@Sensory0verlord I love your videos
Thank you! 😊
Are ya sure you were with a neurotypical? I was with a narcissist that tried to change my entire style. They love to make you over!
He definitely had some narcissistic tendencies, but since narcissism & NPD aren’t considered neurodivergent & he showed no ND traits otherwise, I’m pretty sure he was just a manipulative & controlling NT.