Going through the same thing in my 50's. Puts a whole lot of confusion into perspective, but after decades of breakdowns and being prescribed antidepressant after antidepressant I'm kinda pissed it wasn't diagnosed earlier
@@Sensory0verlordwhy listen to people saying there's something wrong with you?. People said I was autistic when I was a kid but now all the doctors I tell I have autism say I don't have it. Doctors are stupid people don't listen to them.
38 … least I never finished framing the first time so it’s pretty easy to tear it all apart. However trying to decipher which piece is required to support another to know where to start reframing is a whole other thing …
So true! 45 and got diagnosed 4 years ago and everything started making so much more sense. Lost my best friend when he went through w his desire to expire, which led to a breakdown and then led to the diagnosis.
I was diagnosed with high functioning Autism in my late 50s. Almost everything you mentioned resonates with me. My senses were overloaded which drove me nearly insane and into passively suicidality. Neurotypicals don't understand, and neither do physicians. Even most Psychiatrists are unaware. Like many commenters here, I was diagnosed with Depression and spent YEARS on antidepressants with no improvement until I, not a doctor, just ME searching for my symptoms on the Internet, stumbled upon brave souls such as yourself and realized the truth. A subsequent appointment with a subject matter specialist diagnosed ADHD and ADD. How the heck do Psychiatrists mistake "Depression" for ADD and concomitant ADHD? Three Psychiatrists made the same mistake. THREE! Not one of them said "Hey, sorry I misdiagnosed you and prescribed ineffective medication these past few years that didn't actually help but instead made you fatigued and included some other nasty side effects. Yeah, that sure was an OOPSIE on my part wasn't it?". Yes, I listen to UA-cam recordings of rain to fall asleep, have ripped countless irritating shirt tags off like I was the incredible hulk, and have a sense of smell that's detected noxious gas leaks in my basement from a nearby lake which couldn't be detected by professionals with gas detectors until I pointed them to a specific crack in my basement floor and said "Point your detector right HERE.". I smell, hear, feel and think too much and wish I could just turn it all down. Thanks for your video - you're a brave soul.
@@IntoTheLab All the experiences you mentioned are very relatable to me, from the misdiagnosis/bad guesses to the built-in gas leak detector. I’ve had to develop a dark sense of humor & adopt a “better late than never” attitude to keep my own bitterness at bay, but I AM truly glad I finally got the correct diagnosis. Some haven’t been so lucky. Thanks for watching! 🙂
We late diagnosed share a similar past: knowing that there is something wrong with us, that we are somehow different, and that we cannot name it for our life so far. And then one day the tsunami of realization, the day when all the puzzle pieces fall into place. It's sometimes difficult not to question your current life. I resonate with much you were talking about, I am self diagnosed at the age of 58. My son 18years old is autistic too. I love to listen to rain ambience here on YT after stressful situations, it helps to calm down. You are not alone, greets from Germany!
@@Rabenov-wq8qy2qg5t Well said! The realization can be overwhelming at first, but it’s good to have a name for something we’ve spent our entire lives struggling with. I love sounds like rain, rivers, & oceans waves too & find them very calming as well. Thank you for watching! ❤️
What you describe as "desire to expire" is passive suicidal ideation. Is basically the suicidal ideation minus the planning and the wanting to be the one to end your own life. Instead, you just sort of get this vibe of wanting the universe to be the one to put you out of your misery, either by random illness, being hit by a car, just going to sleep and not waking up the next day, etc. It's a really odd mind space of not really wanting to die but not really wanting to be alive either and it's super hard to explain to people who have never experienced it.
@@Minakie Thanks! It’s good to have an actual term to put with the feeling. It really is a weird mindset, hoping to get randomly taken out. I experience anticipatory anxiety, so that may have had something to do with not planning or wanting to do be the one responsible- knowing in advance & anticipating the pain is too much for me. It also puts me in this weird space of feeling not “brave” enough to do it myself, yet deciding to live takes so much courage! I don’t know if you’ve watched One Piece, but the scene with Robin saying she wants to live had me crying.
@@visionvixxen Have you tried learning about psychology and how our minds work? I don't know about you, but when I feel like I don't understand something and it's important to me, I just go into reading and research mode. Antidepressants have a role to play in many situations, but they're not there to deal with the root cause of why we might need them. They might (or might not) help with the symptoms of the problem, but don't actually treat the cause. That's what the different branches of psychology try to do. There are loads of them. All with their different emphases, different models to try and help us picture what goes on in our "head" so we can be more proactive in leading ourselves instead of constantly being surprised and overwhelmed when things don't go as we might like them to. One school of thought which resonates with me is called IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy. There are loads of books about it so you can read as much as you like to understand it and how to use the model yourself. There are even a number of "self therapry" workbooks which use the model to help people do their own therapy - because I don't know about where you are, but here psychotherapy costs a lot. It's probably true that books don't replace a therapist, but I like books and reading them and doing things myself. I have trouble asking for help. And yes, that's on my list of things to investigate further. That was a bit long winded. I just wanted to say that if you're lost then maybe some reading might help and IFS might be a useful starting direction. I found out about that from reading "Your body keeps the score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk which introduced a number of different psychological therapy systems. IFS was the one which I was drawn to the most, but there are plenty of others. Don't give up, answers are out there to help become un-lost 🙂
@@matthewbucktrout3291 lovely recommendations and really great overall comment. I struggle myself, have trouble asking for help etc and I have done a lot of my own “work” in healing. Reading and listening to books helps me gain perspective that I wasn’t raised with. I still struggle but UA-cam has a lot of videos like these that help you feel less alone. They have free audiobooks, like Matthew mentioned and also a lot of others. I love the free videos from @therapyinanutshell and @heidipriebe. It’s hard work to be a human, especially if you’re “sensitive” or have any diagnosis that makes you feel like things can be extra tough sometimes. It helps to find compassionate people, I find comfort in that. I hope someone else can too
@@Sensory0verlord Just please don't rely on a car hitting you or something like that, because if it happens the result might be the opposite of what you wish - you might survive and become handicapped for life - a situation much worse than what you have now. I think safe drugs is what you should try (like magic mushrooms which essentially give you natural serotonin).
I am blown away by your sharing. My beloved 23 year old daughter recently died by suicide, She was diagnosed at age 22... Thank you so much for increasing awareness in such a major way.
I can't agree more. I don't know if I should be happy or cry. You told my exact experience. I am male, but other than that my story is incredibly similar. Thank you for sharing, and making me feel less alone. Glad you are still here with us. Thanks for hanging in there @SensoryOverload. Finally finding out I am autistic really helped. I have found a bunch of tools that have really helped. Sometimes I feel like an imposter, but headphones, fidget tools keep me under control. Thanks again.
@ Thanks for watching! I always have those mixed feelings too when someone relates to this particular topic because while it’s a relief to know we’re not alone, I’m sorry that anyone else has experienced this. Glad you’re still here too!
Same here... Diagnosed at 39 with similar situation. It's been crazy going through this transition... No support your whole life and not knowing my issues were autistic related. I don't have any real friends currently, due to isolation. So much has changed, seeing life through the lense of sober and ASD. *hugs* Sending love from San Diego ❤
I agree - it’s been wild living this long with no explanation (or wrong guesses) for what’s going on with my nervous system & why these issues keep popping up. It’s been better since my diagnosis. No friends is better than the wrong friends. Long distance friendships & a non-cohabiting relationship are what I have currently, & that works so much better for me. Isolation can be an important part of recovery. ❤️🩹
Go to a Dead gig, you wont be alone anymore, That's where you will find the experts on our condition, the doctors aint got a clue , because they cant imagine what they cant experience
I can relate to all of what you’re saying. I’m almost 32 and only recently been diagnosed with Autism. I was diagnosed years ago with severe OCD and depression but I’ve always had social difficulties as well and difficulties maintaining relationships, and addiction, it makes a lot of sense. It feels liberating in a sense but also devastating. I always thought if I worked hard enough at self-improvement I could be the person I wanted..needed to be, normal with normal relationships etc..But knowing now these flaws or incapacities may be an inherent part of my being, my biology, and just who I am… feels absolutely tragic and overwhelming at times. I fear for my future.
@@joshchapman4753 I understand the mixed feelings. There’s a song by Fleet Foxes called Someone You’d Admire that perfectly captures the conflicting feelings I’ve had over the years. Some days the future seems brighter than others. When I focus on the present, I seem to handle things much better. ❤️
As a person in their 50's.... constantly being told to "find therapy".... this is it for me. The endless bearing witness, and commiserating.... we deserve better. This doesn't seem right. Ty for being here 🫶 hang in there. 💌
@@stephss Thank you for watching! I agree- listening to other autistic people’s stories definitely helps. I’ve done therapy too, which helped me get an official diagnosis, but I don’t get that feeling of understanding that I get here. I’m so grateful for the interaction I get with this community. It’s been life changing.
Thank you for watching! ❤️ I’m so sorry! I hope you’re doing better now. Accommodations may help while the diagnosis is pending. I know it can sometimes take a while.
so pleased you’re ok. somewhere along the line in my younger days i squared it away as something i would never do, like killing someone else. i’ve also found i can suffer like a champ, knowing that ‘this too shall pass’
@@kirstinline Thank you! The feeling is gone currently, so hopefully seeing the patterns, having a diagnosis, & knowing how to accommodate will help it stay gone.
@@Sensory0verlord your videos are all about the accommodations you’ve made for yourself and your laughter is so real. if knowing yourself is trusting yourself, i don’t think you’ve anything to worry about. keep on trucking! 👊
Thanks for the encouragement. As someone whose struggled with suicidal ideation for most of their life (18ish of 26 years), I really appreciate this advice! And I have a ring on that literally says "this too shall pass" om the inside
@@Orisitdonald it’s hard to remember sometimes. i discovered years ago that a panic attack only lasts 10 minutes if you let it. everything else is caused by the desperate attempt to not have one. all scary thoughts are only thoughts if you let them come and let them go. REALLY scary ones are exactly the same and only serve to distract me from what’s really bothering me. Hm. it’s hard to explain briefly but it’s changed my life 100% have a good day 👍
My son has been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD very early in life and has had the ideation since he was 3 or 4. It started out with him wanting to end the video game to get a new life since he was playing Mario games a lot at the time. I had to put a hook latch high up so he could not get out on the baloney since he would make a comment about going there. He had many very big emotional swings from time to time over the years that would lead to serious situations. Almost 12 now he's only just this year calmed down in intensity with anxiety medication and maturity. He's gained the ability to reason with his thoughts and correct for himself. Just yesterday he made a comment of self reflection with some troubling thoughts he had about friendships that showed me he's grown so much over the past 5 months since the last time he was having really big difficulties. I was so proud of him. I can fully relate to a lot of what you say from my past also. Feeling like I don't fit in to any group, uncomfortable in social things, and oh my god the projection that people would put on me (good and bad). But having my kids, especially my oldest son along with other "life situations" pointed me into a good direction so far to have a greater understanding and still learning of typicals, neurotypicals and myself.
He’s lucky to have a parent who understands & supports him & shows pride in his personal growth & when he overcomes life’s struggles. That can have such a positive impact! I’m glad your journey led you to greater understanding. ❤️
I have auDHD and struggled in similar ways to your son when I was younger, to the point where everyone gave up because they thought my life ending that way was just inevitable. But now I refuse to even see ending my life as an option. Thank you for standing by your son, not giving up on him and being such a good parent, it truly makes a world of difference. I know this must be scary and really hard as a parent but I want you and your son to know that it can get better, that's why I shared that piece of my own story, to pass on a little hope to you both. I wish you, your son and the rest of your loved ones all the very best. I truly hope that things get better for your son and I'm sending you both love.
@@NickNightfall1711 Thank you Nick. It was very draining at first. I have seen first hand some of his extended family over the years in a way give up by not even being able to understand. They had not fully understood that discipline that you would apply to his cousins or even as his siblings cannot be applied in the same way to him. I've been doing more deliberate actions with planning and redirection in mind that so far gives him structure and predictability. I want to plan some measured spontaneity sometimes so he can understand that life can be unpredictable. A friend at work knows about him and has told me it will get better, which it already has. It's good that you have turned life around. Thank you for your comment and have a nice weekend.
Desire to expire is such a great way to describe passive suicidal ideation. I sometimes wonder what life would be like wanting to wake up every morning. That thought is more alien to me than the thought of having a rich social network.
I can’t imagine what either of those things must be like. Mornings are the worst & I don’t mean that in a cutesy office break room poster kinda way. That was usually the time that the ideation hit the strongest.
@@Sensory0verlord for me, it’s always the evening, likely related to feeling like going to sleep just to do it all again is such a futile act. The transition to sleep has always been a difficult time for me. Thanks for sharing this. My IRL social network consists of my wife, and while I can talk to her about anything, I have to be careful because my needs over our 30 year marriage have been a LOT and she is a hyper-empath. Any level of suicidal ideation is a huge burden on her, a burden I’m not going to place unless I move beyond passive ideation. It’s surprisingly comforting to know you aren’t alone in these kinds of things, and that talking about it doesn’t come with the additional fear of how the person you are talking to will react.
I feel the same way about the morning except it’s waking up just to do it all again & same with morning transitions for me, especially on weekdays. I’m happy to share because I know how it is to feel like you’re experiencing something all alone or as an anomaly. We’re not alone. I’m thankful to the other autistic content creators who put themselves out there, so I’m paying it forward.
Music helps with so many things for me! Basically anything that requires action and/or movement. (I just can’t have music with lyrics while someone is talking bc it runs together). I wish I could start my morning slow & ease into the day bc I am not a morning person. It’s great that you work around others on the spectrum. The kind of support we find in the community has been very helpful to me personally. Self-acceptance and accommodations have certainly improved my quality of life. Thanks for watching! 😊
I'm wired very similar. Been through a dip recently and the 'desire to expire' is a good description. I've always usually described it as 'waiting for an apocalypse.'
“Waiting for an apocalypse” is a good way to describe it too. That describes how I feel when I know I need to make a major change that will cause life upheaval in order to get myself out of the depression. I love your username, btw. 🙂
@Sensory0verlord That's an interesting take on that, I wonder if my subconscious is asking for an upheaval too. I am currently changing a lot of things.. I usually put it down to wishing the world would change so I could finally find a place to belong amongst the chaos and breakdown of societal norms :') Haha thanks! I'm a big fan Cary Elwes films.. and robots. (And my surname's Roberts)
(Oops -this was supposed to be a reply, but I’ll leave it here 😆) Music helps with so many things for me! Basically anything that requires action and/or movement. (I just can’t have music with lyrics while someone is talking bc it runs together). I wish I could start my morning slow & ease into the day bc I am not a morning person. It’s great that you work around others on the spectrum. The kind of support we find in the community has been very helpful to me personally. Self-acceptance and accommodations have certainly improved my quality of life. Thanks for watching! 😊
Beware of limerence. It's unrealistic in this dimension. Clair-limerence is the highest form of love It's what I feel on the otherside. It attracted Donna Douglas. A plus plus. Be limerence is unrealistic on this side.
I got late-diagnosed with autism this morning. I am 52. It's a shock, but makes a lot of sense now looking back. Your video is so helpful today. It feels like you're speaking about my life. Your openness is liberating and gives me permission to look honestly at my own masking, pain and truth over the years. I've had burnout and suicidal ideation since teens. Never tried it, but did the drinking to cope in 20s and have the sensitivity to drink drugs meds. Social exhaustion. Difficulties in relationships. Misunderstood. Where do I fit in etc. You are so articulate and concise in your expression. Each anecdote one after the other kept me wrapped by shared experience. Your insights are like a catalogue of my past life, kind of threading them all together in a 32 min vid. Your comment on humour and nihilism to absurdism as a coping mechanism really struck me too. It's been a huge help on a very strange and difficult day for me suddenly seeing my whole life in a new light. So, thank you for putting this out there and making me feel less alone today : ) (love the artwork)
@@RichardLewis-l8i Thank you! I struggle to be articulate & concise & worry that I’m not, so extra thanks for that! I always have mixed feelings when people can relate to this topic. On one hand, it’s a relief that we’re not alone in feeling this way, not alone in our experiences. On the other hand, I’m sad that anyone experiences this. I’m glad that sharing my experiences can help! Here’s hoping that the answers we’ve found later in life can help us understand the past and live life to the fullest.
HI Holly, It's good to talk about these sorts of things, to get them out in the open so that we can all see that we're not alone in feeling that way sometimes. After a period like that myself I decided to spend some time trying to dissect the reason behind it. For me I fantisised about actually being dead and what that would be like. At that time it seemed like a desirable place to be. I imagined being somewhere completely dark and quiet. I realised much later (when I had learned what autism was and realised that the hat fitted very well) that what I was fantisising about was being in a quiet place, by myself, with no distractions or interruptions. I think at the time I was really, really needing more alone time than was possible (very small children) and I was probably pretty burnt out at the time too. Also it's another example of how I found the Internal Family Systems therpary model useful - to realise that I have a PART of me who sees suicide as a perfectly acceptable and reasonable option. But that PART of me is not ALL of me. When that part expresses the desire to be dead, or suggets that woudl be a good idea, it's because he's spotted there's a problem. And so now I listen to the message and delve deeper to work out what's not right that needs sorting out. Then one last comment before this gets too long (I'm learning 🙂) Limerance - I found out what that is the other week. Another revelation. Currently going down the rabbithole of learning about attachment theory and attactment styles. Big can of worms, very interesting and insightful. I would recommend Heidi Priebe's youtube channel very highly. Take care and I hope you feel better soon.
@@matthewbucktrout3291 Hi Matthew! I’m feeling better these days for sure. It certainly helps to have a diagnosis and know what I’m dealing with in order to accommodate. I can relate to what you said about imagining being in a quiet dark place because so many times during these episodes, the remedy was actually removing myself from an overstimulating and/or toxic environment. My wires get crossed easily and I can’t tell too much sensory input from negative emotions or the sensory input causes the distress but I can’t identify the source. Since realizing that, I can stop & ask myself questions about my environment, when I last ate/slept/exercised, etc. things that could have an impact on my overall mental state. I can imagine it must be difficult with a family since you can’t exactly drop everything and isolate as long as you need. Hopefully you’ve made accommodations for yourself at home. It’s good to hear from you! Hope you’ve been doing well. 🙂
@@Sensory0verlord Glad to hear you're feeling better these days. I'm OK at the moment too, thank you 🙂 I agree that knowing what we're dealing with in order to better cope with things is the way to go. I'm looking forward to having my autism evaluation to solidify (or explode) my belief that I'm autistic. But I was just thinking - you know those mapping applications which have various overlays you can choose to put on the map - like the map itself, aerial photos, land use data etc. Sometimes there can be loads of them to choose from which give different information about the same geographical location. I think autism is just one overlay, which gives one set of information, which is very useful and fundamental, but still not the whole story or the only useful piece of information. The other overlays, which apply to everyone else too in one way or another are potentially very helpful too. We all had a chlidhood and the experiences which influenced who we have grown up to be. We all had parents or other significant care-givers, who did the job they did as parents and left the marks they left. The having children thing creates a whole new dimension to the needing to understand what's going on, so that the inter-generational wheel doesn't just turn without anyone even realising it exists. I want to understand myself for myself, but also so I can avoid making some of the same mistakes my ancestors made, with my decendants. As I've said before, I love learning about psychology, to better understand what's going on inside myself. To get to the point of making friends with our self-destructive parts and self-sabotaging parts and accept them as valued members of our internal family with a real positive contribution to make to our lives sounds like a good thing to me. To be able to listen to what they have to say when they have somthing to say, instead of ignoring them or fighting against them so that they feel the need to act out and make us take notice by starting a riot. If we can learn to listen to them with compassionnate curiosity instead of shunning them and fighting against them, they can calm down and be our friends. Need to understand what they're trying to do to help us even if on the surface trying to persuade us to kill ourselves doesn't seem very helpful and come across as a bit twisted; if they're actually trying to give us an escape from a situation which is overwhelming and think that being dead in a calm, dark, quiet place seems like a good option perhaps it can be seen as trying to help. Just not a great way of going about it. If we can take a step back from the situation and realise it's a call for help or a call for change and actually tihink about what needs to be changed, and then change it, perhaps we're on to a winner. The self-descructive parts are just trying to tell us there's something we need to look into and do something about because it's not OK. This is getting a bit long, I'll stop there. Other folk have already written books on the subject 🙂 I'm reading a book which is very inspiring at the moment, which is connecting with a fun loving musical part of me which has been hidden away for a long time. It's a book called Dilla Time which is a combined biography and technical musical discussion of the life and work of James Yancey (J Dilla). Learning about hip hop music and beatmaking and the combination of human amde music and machine music. Fun stuff. I need to rediscover who I really am and what really makes me tick, where the fun went out of life, what's important to me. I think I'm on the right track doing more music. Have a nice day!
@@matthewbucktrout3291 The GIS analogy is pretty perfect, & I agree that autism can be one or more layers of what goes on internally- the three given being the sensory, social, & communication differences but also there are the common physical comorbidities like EDS & autoimmune disorders. I guess you could say autism is the topography because whether or not we’re aware, everything in our lives is affected by it. Our mental & neurological heath depends on good, environmentally conscious engineering for optimal performance. I also agree that S ideation could be a type of extreme security system for the overwhelmed brain, telling us to get out of a toxic or dangerous situation. Doing video journals & externally processing my thoughts & feelings really helped (along with therapy & a healthy lifestyle). It allowed me to listen to those parts of myself you mentioned. I’m a work in progress & still learning, but at least I’m still here.
Thank you for sharing. I'm 34, been burnt out for a few years and my desire to expire is the strongest it's ever been, but I also have 2 dogs that keep me here. I'm not diagnosed but the more I hear stories like yours, the more I suspect I am.
@@jedimasterkira Thank you for watching! My dogs helped me through some of the worst of times. I’m glad you have them & vice versa. Hearing different autistic experiences really have helped me feel less alone even before my diagnosis. Self-diagnosis is valid- a lot of us start out that way.
So many things that you shared resonated with me... There were many times when I didn't want to exist, because I felt trapped in the relationship and then marriage. Or just life. I am alone now. I have been suffering from burn out for years. I just recently had my autism diagnosis at the age of 60. The fact that I am autistic gave me a new perspective on life and myself. I feel ok to be different. I have more empathy for myself. I don't feel like a failure anymore. I now think autism is a gift that was unwrapped for too long.
@@ewamariamajdan6200 I feel the same way since my diagnosis, which I just received last year in my mid-40s. It has felt like a gift in that it makes so many things in my life make sense. I can also relate to having more empathy for myself now that I know. An accurate understanding of what’s happening with our nervous systems can definitely change things for the better.
My first thought was that I wish I had seen this video twenty years ago, yet it was released days ago, and oh my life, it's been worth the wait. Your words resonate so hard right now.
@@HazYyy Thank you for watching! I always have mixed feelings when people can relate to this subject because I feel bad that you’ve experienced the same yet there’s some relief in feeling understood & knowing we’re not alone.❤️
@@Natvaesen Thank you for watching! Your situation is very relatable, heavy masking/camouflaging & not knowing how you really feel besides awful. Alexithymia is something to look into to see if sounds descriptive. It’s something I found out that I experience when I received my diagnosis. I know the wait for a diagnosis can be long, but if you have sensory issues, you can start accommodating for those right away if you already haven’t. It can help. I wish you the best! ❤️
@@Sensory0verlord OMG! I have to write an answer to my own answer now! :P I am half way through a video about alexithymia and am extatic! This is how I feel, and I never thought that it was a specific thing, and that others than myself dealt with such a strange thing! Thank you again 🥰 I'm learning stuff!
reminds me a bit of.Henry Rollins... "I know you You are too short You had bad skin You couldn't talk to them very well Words didn't seem to work They lied when they came out of your mouth You tried so hard to understand them You wanted to be part of what was happening You saw them having fun And it seemed like such a mystery Almost magic Made you think there was something wrong with you You'd look in the mirror trying to find it You thought you were ugly And everyone was looking at you So you learned to be invisible To look down To avoid conversation The hours, days, weekends Ah the weekend nights alone Where were you? In the basement? In the attic? In your room? Working some job? Just to have something to do? Just to have a place to put yourself? Just to have a way to get away from them A chance to get away from the ones who made you feel so strange and Ill-at-ease inside yourself Did you ever get invited to one of their parties? You sat and wondered if you would go or not For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire They would laugh at you If you'd know what to do If you would had the right things on If they' d notice you came from a different planet Did you get all brave in your thoughts? Like you were going to go in there and deal with it And have a great time Did you think that you might be the life of the party? That all these people were going to talk to you To find out that you were wrong That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so strange after all Did you end up going? Did they mess with you? Did they single you out? Did you find out you were invited because they thought you were so weird Yeah, I think I know you You spent alot of time full of hate A hate as pure as sunshine A hate that saw for miles A hate that kept you up at night A hate that filled your every waking moment A hate that carried you for a long time Yes, I think I know you You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived Home was not home Your room was home A corner was home The place they weren't That was home I know you You're sensitive and you hide cuz you fear getting stepped on one more time It seems that when you show a part of yourself That is the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you One of them steps on you They mistake kindness for weakness But you know the difference You've been the brunt of their weakness for years And strength is something you know a bit about Because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive You know yourself very well you now And you don't trust people You know them too well You try to find that special person Someone you can be with Someone you can touch Someone you can talk to Someone you wont feel so strange around And you found that they don't really exist You feel closer to people on movie screens Yeah, I think I know you You spend a lot of time day dreaming And people have made comment to that affect Telling you that your self involved and self centered But they don't know do they? About the long night shifts alone About the years of keeping yourself company All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself so you could imagine someone holding you The hours of indecision, self doubt, The intense depression The blinding hate the rage that made you stagger The devastation of rejection Well, maybe they do know But if they do they sure do a good job of hiding it It astounds you how they can be so smooth How they seem to pass through life As if life itself was some divine gift And it infuriates you to watch yourself With your apparent skill in finding every way possible to screw it up For you life is a long trip Terrifying and wonderful Birds sing to you at night The rain and the sun The changing seasons are true friends Solitude is a hard won allie Faithful and patient Yeah I think I know you
Thank you for your generous sharing. So much of what you said resonates with me. I got my diagnosis in November, and channels like yours are helping me feel less alone. 🥰
@@WendyLMacdonald Thank you for watching! Other autistic people sharing their experiences on UA-cam have definitely helped me, so happy to pay it forward! 💜
Knowing that you are free to do it sometimes makes you don't want to do it instead. The rejection and the mere thought that it is a bad thing and we ought to go on living makes us more depressed and inclined to put it to an end.
@@ArthurM1863 That’s an excellent point. Taking that into consideration, it’s important to understand the reason why we’re feeling the urge rather than to condemn the feelings. Punishing ourselves for feeling that way will only compound the problem. Observing the thought & withholding judgment while exploring the cause & finding solutions is a good approach.
Yes, it's important to share these things, with people who are safe and can hear what we are really feeling. Sadly, therapists are typically not able to handle hearing our most difficult thoughts and feelings. Nihilism to absurdism is an interesting reframing. I think I might have stumbled into this, too, and didn't realize until just now when you said it. Thank you.
@@naomieyles210 I like my therapist as a person, but I do think she struggles to understand me sometimes. Sometimes I think it’s my inability to communicate properly what I’m feeling. The autism community on YT has been really helpful for me, especially helping me feel understood. Thanks for watching!
I love the way you talk, its very similar to my timing talking, and the pauses and experiences that you say, is like whatching my life tru your lenses.
In Highschool I used to listen to The Suicidal Tendencies to chase away the Suicidality You Can’t Bring Me Down What the hell is going on around here? First off, let's take it from the start Straight out, can't change what's in my heart No one can tear my beliefs apart You can't bring me You ain't never seen no one like me Prevail regardless what the cost might be Power flows inside of me You can't bring me Never fall as long as I try Refuse to be a part of your lie Even if it means I die You can't bring me You can't bring me down Who the hell you calling crazy? You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson Was eating fruit loops on your front porch Time out, let's get something clear I speak more truth than you want to hear Scapegoat to cover up your fear You can't bring me You ain't never seen so much might Fight for what I know is right What up? You got yourself a fight You can't bring me Stand up, we'll all sing along Together ain't nothin' as strong Won't quit, we ain't in the wrong You can't bring me You can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down You can't bring me down Tell them what's up, Rocky You can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down You can't bring me down So why you trying to bring me? Well, you can't bring me down, no, no, no, no Can't bring me down, no, no, no, no, no, no Can't bring me down, no, no, no, no, no, no Can't bring me down, no, no, no, no, no, no So why you trying to bring? Well, you can't bring me down Just 'cause you don't understand what's going on Don't mean it don't make no sense And just 'cause you don't like it, don't mean it ain't no good And let me tell you something Before you go taking a walk in my world You better take a look at the real world 'Cause this ain't no Mister Roger's neighborhood Can you say, "Feel like shit"? Yeah, maybe sometimes I do feel like shit I ain't happy 'bout it, but I'd rather feel like shit than be full of shit And if I offended you, oh, I'm sorry, but maybe you need to be offended But here's my apology, and one more thing Fuck you! You can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no Bring me down, you can't bring me down You can't bring me down Can't bring me down! Can't bring me down! You can't bring me down! Suicidal
Loving the fringe Holly, you have an ethereal glow about you today. So many folks in the comments can relate, I also totally relate. My early twenties when I was first out in the world without a boyfriend were dreadful. I had the route to expire as one possible choice until I had my daughter, then, well how could I leave her? I would have to cope now. Did a few times consider that I could 'take her with me' but it was just a tool to help me cope I think, I never could have done anything. So sad we all had to struggle so much, and feel so alone. Big hugs to everyone who has ever felt gut twisting loneliness xxx
Thank you so much & thanks for watching! 😊 It really is bittersweet that so many relate because in a way, it confirms we’re not alone & there’s some comfort in that. Simultaneously, it’s such a terribly sad & lonely feeling that I wish no one had to experience it ever. 😢 ❤️
Desire to expire! It’s both deeply poetic and funny to me. I can relate. You are such a beautiful person inside out. I’m trying to get officially diagnosed. I’m on a waitlist. I really love the new bangs/fringe❤ The way you describe going to events.. Waow. I understand completely. Super sensitive. Mina was like that for me. She now guides me from the beyond.
@@MIOLAZARUS Wow! What synchronicity! I was just watching your latest video. Glad you found your key & were able to go home! You always give me lots to think about. Thanks for sharing your perspective with the world! Thank you! You are beautiful as well! ❤️ I hope the waitlist isn’t too long.
We are so complex and some of us too simple to even believe there´s some humanity in us. There are so many - though not infinite, issues to break down and discuss concerning our feelings and emotions which many of us think they are actually the same. For instance, when we believe intuition and instinct are similar when in reality belong to two different realms. We do not know much of ourselves, philosophically (our beliefs, even the religious, specially those referring death and solitude), socially (our standards towards ourselves and the others), psychologically (our feelings and emotions) and what we call our "interests"; this is, the combination of our skills and uses of our different shapes of intelligence (auditory, spacial, natural, analytical, etc). But, above all, linguistically, in the ways we try to communicate (sometimes as listeners, sometimes as speakers). Thank you very much for being this honest and clear. I hope everything goes well for you, because this video here, regardless any diagnosed, is a living proof you are super bright at many relevant levels. Cheers!
@@joelmolinapalau6811 Thank you so much! I agree- we are very complex and the factors contributing to our mental and neurological wellbeing is as varied as the individual circumstances and environments in which we live. I can’t remember the source, but recently I heard that no one can ever fully know us as we never fully know ourselves. It’s impossible to know for in order to know ourselves fully, we’d have to be able to examine our entire life as a whole- beginning to end. At this point in my life, I don’t think I’m done writing that story just yet. Thank you for the encouragement! Hope all is well with you too.
I tend to binge watch NDE (near death experiences) videos. And in doing so, I’ve come to realize that death is not an escape. We still exist. We still have things to learn. We still have to answer for issues in our life on earth. I understand that life here can be so overwhelming we just want it to end. But, there is no end….so “expiring” won’t actually work. I admit, that realization made me sad, at first. But I’m to the point that I’ve accepted that I’m in the “long haul” …so i might as well make the best of it. And by that I mean- I accommodate myself to the max. I stopped doing things I don’t like, and started doing a Lot of the things that soothes me. That helps me. I hope this post helps someone, too.
@@funnifulAccommodations can make a huge difference. They definitely help me. I’m still learning & figuring out what things I need, learning how to listen to what my body/nervous system needs, how to identify emotions (bc of the alexithymia), but I can tell a significant difference with the accommodations I’ve made so far.
Thank you for sharing ❤ relatable, and I understand you to the point of tears😢...its been a lonely world in the internal conflict of not knowing exactly what is wrong. Thank you again for sharing your story ❤
Thank you so much for talking about this subject & how you felt & coped. My goodness again I'm with you in all of this. I suffer with chronic migrains which I'm sure are triggered by my sensory overload & incapability to tolerate most people or social situations. The choice: lonely or potential agony, oh how lovely. & those headaches last for DAYS. It makes me feel pretty vulnerable, but I'm super stubborn & a fighter so I refuse to crawl under a rock, (mostly), but I do know I can be laid low for days if I interact like the standard model human. And yep I only truly feel at ease when I'm alone, with animals or fossicking about in nature, hedge bothering or pebble spotting & the like! Connection with all animals & nature is my absolute core! I simply feel like I am free to be my true self then. Do you greet every creature you meet? Cats, dogs, insects? Yep 'it's a thing' as the populous say. Oh & on being non-average, YES! I'm definitely a chocolate covered pickle alright! The sensory issues, I totally connect with you on that, honestly, my body is 'a right pain in the arse', as we say here over the pond. I even have the joy of random sporadic shooting pains, nerves firing in random places, do you have that? Why body, why? Ugh it can all get too much. But like you, I do try to take the absurdist view, (when I have the physical / mental energy to). It's by far the best way to look at things! Certainly less destructive. That said, I do live with passive S Ideation & have done ever since I can remember, I just live with it, because it raises its farty shroud oh so often, so I usually recognise it (eventually) & try to push through. So often I deal with not being able to cope, revisiting uncomfortable & down right vile things that have happened, from years ago, decades even. I live with cptsd I'm sure, (not professionally diagnosed, but I'm not an idiot), so I have a lot of recurrent themes that resurface. Isolation is such a common thing with us lot isn't it? I guess it's down to self preservation for me. I do have a partner who I live with & I find that so difficult! I'm still not diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure... Its tough sometimes to keep pushing through. I too have lost friends to the 'desire to expire' & I find myself thinking about the topic of 'the end' a lot. I can't help it. I lost my lovely canine companion years ago, she was my all & I have a lot of guilt & self loathing on how I feel I failed her, even though I'm told I didn't, I can't let that go & the thought of welcoming in another animal companion fills me with dread, because of 'the end'. The last few years have been terrible for losing loved ones & I just feel shell shocked from that. I lost people who meant so much to me, they were amazing people & trying to fathom that they do not exist in flesh and yet are so real in my mind is utterly baffling. The world feels smaller without them in it. Anyway, as ever your video has been a great comfort. Apologies for writing an essay as usual! Hmmm, shall I delete? Ah, nope. Thanks if you made it this far! Have a beautiful day x
@CoventinaSoapery I’m so sorry for your loss! 😢 I totally relate to the feeling of failing a canine companion & the dread of another for those same reasons. We love them with all our hearts but have so little control over external factors. It’s impossible to always keep them spoiled and safe from everything as they deserve to be safe & pampered & have our full attention all the time. We do our best & that’s all anyone can do. ❤️ And yes- I have random pains, say hello to other creatures, & also experience so much of what you’ve mentioned here.
When I was 40 I got my ADHD diagnosis, now I'm 42 and learning that AuDHD is a thing. It's wild how often now that a memory will pop up and I'm like "ohhhhh it was ADHD/Autism the whole time..." Thank you for your video it is helpful to hear others perspectives. Not just so we realize we were never alone but because we are all a unique Melange of traits we can see how we are similar and different in our own special ways.
@@StarShade-l7q Thank you for watching! That’s very relatable as I sometimes think I’m AuDHD but I’m only officially diagnosed autistic. The perspectives of other neurodivergent people have been incredibly helpful for me. I love seeing that this community can celebrate its diversity while simultaneously supporting & encouraging each other through shared experience. ❤️
@@Sensory0verlord They do have an overlap, the "chance" I've seen given is like the largest range ever like 30%-80% of Autistic folks also have co-occurring ADHD, lol might as well just stay vague and be like "there is some overlap but we don't know how often" I think maybe the problem is that the science is only recently (for science) opening up the discussion about how varied our traits can express themselves. Both with ADHD and Autism, and I don't know when they will get around to the point where they can begin to study the interaction of the two and how various traits balance each other. Not to even begin to get into the cyclic nature of all humans hormones much less the larger effect of people with uteruses reproductive focused hormonal cycles. Whenever I try to imagine the number of variables there I feel like Lucy at the chocolate factory, or for the younger millennials Sabrina the teenage witch when she gets addicted to pancakes.
Love this so much! My suicidal ideation would make me disgusted with myself, and feel hypocritical. I value and love life, hurting bugs and plants hurts a little. No matter how old someone is i feel they were too young, then at same time I'm literally jealous of people that died.
I’m the same with loving & valuing other life. (That’s part of the reason I’m vegetarian.) We tend to be harder on ourselves than others it seems. Sometimes I remind myself that I’m an animal too. It helps me feel more compassion for myself.
There is so much in what yo'ure just written asking to be unpacked and delved into. Toxic shame and disgust doesn't just come from nowhere. It's what we're taught to feel, consciously or subconsciously in our childhood. Putting others above yourself too. Valuing other living things but not yourself.... Suicidal ideation isn't shameful. It's information, it's a part of you ringing an alarm bell ringing to try and get your attention that there's something you need to take a good look at/into. One way of looking at this sort of situation goes like this (this is NOT me telling you what you think and feel and offering advice, just illustrating a general notion) The "suicidal ideation and all the feelings which go with it" is a part of you trying to help you but in a bit of an unconventional and desperate way. The part of you who is disgusted by the suicide-suggesting part is also trying to help you by trying to make you take no notice of the suicidal part. Its way of helping puts it in direct conflict with the suicidal part, which maybe even causes the suicidal part to up its game and escalate by adding "we're disgusting and shameful" to its list of reasons for turning out the lights.... The psychological model in question argues that both of these parts are working to help you, but in their own fixed, rigid, unsophisticated way. The suicidal ideation part is great at detecting problem situations which are not OK. And it blows the whistle. Maybe it blows the whistle gently to begin with and only ramps up to suicidal ideation if you ignore it. Or maybe it just jumps right in at the deep end each time. The shaming part maybe has an origin in past relationships - from childhood perhaps. Maybe it plays that role to protect you from external shaming it anticipates based on past experience. Some of us have such a part because we were shamed in childhood for being ourselves. The internal shaming part believes it is helping by protecting us against the pain of external shaming. If it can preempt the external shaming by shaming us viciously enough internally that we behave the way we were trained to behave by the external critic (a "care giver" perhaps) it thinks it's done us a favour. All in all a fascinating subject with lots of potentially very useful reading avenues to follow if you're not currently in a dangerous place. You did say in your post that your suicidal ideation "would"... as though you were speaking about a situation which isn't currently dangerous.
My life is in a disarray. Every day feels like it lasts 4 times as long and I have to use medications and substances to slow my mind and make it manageable. I feel Death calling me. I'm avoiding it as best as I know how.
@@johnbillings5260 I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing right now. I wish I had the answers for how to make things better, but the answers vary according to the individual. You’re doing your best & that’s got you this far, and that’s something to be proud of. ❤️
So sad you're not alone, in a certain way ^^ i'm liviing the same life as you do. your theory of an "expiration date" is a thing i said often. But in french ^^ i hope i could meet people like you and me someday.
@@olivhood I hope I can meet people like us too someday! I also think it’s bittersweet when someone can relate because I’m happy to feel understood but sad because of the implications of the understanding.
@@Sensory0verlord it's a strange feeling isn't it ? hoping not to be alone to share our feelings, and hoping to be the only one so others don't suffer. It's a proof of kindness anyway. You have that for you. look at you in front of a camera is like looking at me. Disturbing ^^ even if i'm bold, old an ugly, all the contrary for you . 😁 The reality is here : we exist, we suffer, we share. It's not our fault, nor our responsibility. Sorry for my english ^^
Life without drugs is so hard. It’s painful… like seriously painful to exist or think. Thank God for meds and caffeine and drugs but I wish it weren’t this way
I wish I knew the answers, but they seem to fluctuate. Some days it’s as simple as drink more water, other days it’s much more complicated, like moving to a different state & forming a whole new routine. The important thing is to keep trying, keep going. ❤️
Drugs are so great, and the worst. I feel like I may benefit from hospital medication but am scared of the entire medical system and cost. Cannabis has been my savior and crutch sometimes since my mid 20s. MDMA proved that it's possible to love myself. Alcohol almost took me out off and on until last year. My current health goal is quitting caffeine but I fear I may die before victory is achieved.
@@AdamFlanagan-oq6op Yes, they are! I kinda do a walk-through & show them in another video 🙂 (somewhere closer to the middle bc I’m long-winded) Sharing Relatable Experiences and Special Interests as a Late Diagnosed Autistic ua-cam.com/video/x1dbe75Hi_M/v-deo.html
@@DimBak-cx6uc I’m so sorry it got worse! I wish I knew how to help everyone who feels this way, but all I can say is, you’re not alone. I don’t know who to credit for this quote, but it says, “The horrors persist but so do I.”
Carl Gustuv Jungs art later inspired the work of JR Tolkien. I also dislike overhead lights. I use led strips and table lamps to soften the light I wish you were in Australia.
I didn’t realize that about Jung inspiring Tolkien! I love Tolkien’s work & have since I was a child. I don’t know as much about Jung, so this has piqued my interest in him.
Very hard. I am so tired all the time. :don’t like it. I’m fifty w supposed Bipolar 2 and AdD . I also suspect ASD for sure, but wish I wasn’t so tired all the time
Thank you - a couple of thoughts, I think with your insight into the human condition, and your ability to make humour out of situations, maybe find somewhere you can learn to do amateur stand-up comedy - I think you would be good at it, and it would certainly take you out of your comfort zone in a challenging way. The other thing you might want to try is getting involved in an amateur dramatics group, again another way of engaging with others on your terms. Best wishes, Theo 🌿
@@sailingby Thank you for watching! Someone else once suggested stand-up comedy to me & I’m quite flattered that anyone would think I’d be good at that, so thanks! 🙂 Maybe one day, if I can find one with a not-too-bright-or-too-loud environment. The drama group could be fun as well. Thanks for the suggestions!
@@Sensory0verlord I live in the UK, and there’s a local amateur theatre near me, where one can act, or do production stuff like stage management, lighting, sound, costumes, directing, producing,, tickets, front of house, etc. I love it because amateur theatre people are so supportive and accepting - maybe because acting is all about being someone else! I also have to say that the plays they put on are every bit as good as precessional theatres. I look forward to hearing if you also get involved with one 😀
Most people are not awake in even the most basic ways. Look to those on the same path as you! Isolation is THE gift! “If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.” ― Charles Bukowski, What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire-
Very familiar. This is why I don’t, and will never own a 🔫. If it had been easy, quick, and mostly painless, expiration would have happened 20+ years ago. Now knowing that I am autistic and being better able to control my environment helps, but should I ever find myself in the same mindset again I never want the means to be available without substantial effort. I fear threats from the outside far less than myself.
@@withheldformyprotection5518 I agree & completely understand not wanting to make it too easy to expire, just in case. It’s good to know that controlling your environment helps you. That supports what I’ve found since my diagnosis. Environmental control & accommodations really make a difference. I may not be giddy with excitement, but I’ll take regular old contentment over depression & burnout any day.
I am only discovering I am Autistic at 45. I have isolated myself over 7 years. I recently lost my small waterside apartment of 11 Years. I have been masking my entire life.
@@REZZA2020 We’re the same age! I was just diagnosed last year. I’m so sorry about you losing your home. Our personal safe spaces are so essential to us. Isolating for short periods of time can be helpful. I think it’s important for each individual to find the right balance. Masking can be so draining & I’m learning that it can lead to faster burnout & and a longer recovery period.
We Autistics are very clever We Autistics worked it all out Eons ago But !!!! We are all hidden in plain sight, They have no idea what we are , they see a few things but not much else So we talk to each other "hidden in plain sight" "some people cant see past the end of their nose" "you have a bee in your bonnet" "there is a Elephant in the room" And so many others, All echoing mum to daughter Eternally, I mean come on, who is going to be the experts on Autistic ? The Autistic mums who else ? And they left you a message echoing eternally "Rock a by baby on the tree top, When the wind blows the cradle will Rock, But when the BOUGH breaks the cradle will fall, and down to earth tumbling come baby and all" "a woman always has the final word"
Desire to Expire 😂 sorry to laugh considering the topic but thats a good one. Its okay to hate being around people(just read history humans are a messed up species). Highly recommend exercise and group exercise to get rid of anxiety. I have thoughts about depression, where a part of me thinks its almost a immune response(I know I know). Because you can push past depression as well with exercise but than I got sick with shingles at 41 which is still pretty young for that. But I would rather have physical pain from exercise to a certain extent than mental pain and there is a dichotomy between the two imo.
@@donnied6151 If it wasn’t for my dark sense of humor, I probably wouldn’t have made it this far, so no need to apologize for laughing. 🙂 Exercise- running particularly- has been really helpful to me. It’s great for helping me process things and regulating. It’s not effective on its own for me with burnout though.
@@Sensory0verlord i have found social fitness a great way to get amongst it. You are not the only one that doesn't like being around humans too much, sometimes I even think its a natural protective mechanism as we are a troublesome species. Social fitness (maybe some running groups in your area) all that angst goes away as you start working out and something about being in a group makes me go harder. Like you can convert that negative emotion into more exercise. Highly recommend dropping caffeine, that stuff causes burnouts plus heightened anxiety in me. Its okay to get tired.
@@crazykosmikbunny That’s relatable. I never felt like I belong in society- only that I might belong in nature as a feral human. The planet is cool, but civilization is too overwhelming.
No Leaders Please invent yourself and then reinvent yourself, don’t swim in the same slough. invent yourself and then reinvent yourself and stay out of the clutches of mediocrity. invent yourself and then reinvent yourself, change your tone and shape so often that they can never categorize you. reinvigorate yourself and accept what is but only on the terms that you have invented and reinvented. be self-taught. and reinvent your life because you must; it is your life and its history and the present belong only to you. Charles Bukowski
Explains a few things doesn't it. Why you extend beyond your body sometimes. When you sleep at night, does your sense of touch extend out into the room or go beyond.
My senses are very heightened, so I’m usually pretty aware of what’s going on around me (unless I’m in the hyper focus zone, then I’m oblivious) and beyond me as in, I can hear the coyotes across the lake, etc. When I lived with dogs or someone, I’d be aware of their movements. But that’s pretty much it except in dreams.
@@AdamFlanagan-oq6op I’ve thought about it but not quite ready yet. I was just diagnosed last year, so I’m still trying to wrap my mind around that….but maybe a couple of dogs would help? 🤗 🐶
@@Sensory0verlordI know they say” if you’ve met one autistic person you’ve met one autistic person “ but in trying to find out what’s “wrong “ with me so many of our stories are exactly alike I just sat here and watched a total stranger tell my life story thank you so much for sharing I know how much it takes to open up you’re an inspiration I have been so afraid of startingUA-cam to share and raise awareness now I know I can share and not feel alone because of you and others who are apart of our community I have never felt so understood or welcome in my whole life THANK YOU for not giving up I’m glad you’re still here 💜
you need a communicative head, only positive energy to speak. you don't like neuroleptic 19 cm fresh medical contract. you don't like neuroleptic 19 cm fresh medical contract you don't like neuroleptic 19 cm fresh medical contract
Life without drugs is so hard. It’s painful… like seriously painful to exist or think. Thank God for meds and caffeine and drugs but I wish it weren’t this way
Reframing your entire life in your 40s after a breakdown is a whole thing...
@@anthonyrowland9072 Oh man- is it ever! Things are finally starting to make sense though.
Going through the same thing in my 50's. Puts a whole lot of confusion into perspective, but after decades of breakdowns and being prescribed antidepressant after antidepressant I'm kinda pissed it wasn't diagnosed earlier
@@Sensory0verlordwhy listen to people saying there's something wrong with you?. People said I was autistic when I was a kid but now all the doctors I tell I have autism say I don't have it. Doctors are stupid people don't listen to them.
38 … least I never finished framing the first time so it’s pretty easy to tear it all apart. However trying to decipher which piece is required to support another to know where to start reframing is a whole other thing …
So true! 45 and got diagnosed 4 years ago and everything started making so much more sense. Lost my best friend when he went through w his desire to expire, which led to a breakdown and then led to the diagnosis.
I was diagnosed with high functioning Autism in my late 50s. Almost everything you mentioned resonates with me. My senses were overloaded which drove me nearly insane and into passively suicidality. Neurotypicals don't understand, and neither do physicians. Even most Psychiatrists are unaware. Like many commenters here, I was diagnosed with Depression and spent YEARS on antidepressants with no improvement until I, not a doctor, just ME searching for my symptoms on the Internet, stumbled upon brave souls such as yourself and realized the truth. A subsequent appointment with a subject matter specialist diagnosed ADHD and ADD. How the heck do Psychiatrists mistake "Depression" for ADD and concomitant ADHD? Three Psychiatrists made the same mistake. THREE! Not one of them said "Hey, sorry I misdiagnosed you and prescribed ineffective medication these past few years that didn't actually help but instead made you fatigued and included some other nasty side effects. Yeah, that sure was an OOPSIE on my part wasn't it?". Yes, I listen to UA-cam recordings of rain to fall asleep, have ripped countless irritating shirt tags off like I was the incredible hulk, and have a sense of smell that's detected noxious gas leaks in my basement from a nearby lake which couldn't be detected by professionals with gas detectors until I pointed them to a specific crack in my basement floor and said "Point your detector right HERE.". I smell, hear, feel and think too much and wish I could just turn it all down. Thanks for your video - you're a brave soul.
@@IntoTheLab All the experiences you mentioned are very relatable to me, from the misdiagnosis/bad guesses to the built-in gas leak detector. I’ve had to develop a dark sense of humor & adopt a “better late than never” attitude to keep my own bitterness at bay, but I AM truly glad I finally got the correct diagnosis. Some haven’t been so lucky. Thanks for watching! 🙂
We late diagnosed share a similar past: knowing that there is something wrong with us, that we are somehow different, and that we cannot name it for our life so far. And then one day the tsunami of realization, the day when all the puzzle pieces fall into place. It's sometimes difficult not to question your current life. I resonate with much you were talking about, I am self diagnosed at the age of 58. My son 18years old is autistic too. I love to listen to rain ambience here on YT after stressful situations, it helps to calm down. You are not alone, greets from Germany!
@@Rabenov-wq8qy2qg5t Well said! The realization can be overwhelming at first, but it’s good to have a name for something we’ve spent our entire lives struggling with. I love sounds like rain, rivers, & oceans waves too & find them very calming as well. Thank you for watching! ❤️
@@Sensory0verlordwould you consider doing OnlyFans?..or is that sensory overload?
Keep at it! Your son needs you! Hope you're doing well and the world gets a little less shitty one day
What you describe as "desire to expire" is passive suicidal ideation. Is basically the suicidal ideation minus the planning and the wanting to be the one to end your own life. Instead, you just sort of get this vibe of wanting the universe to be the one to put you out of your misery, either by random illness, being hit by a car, just going to sleep and not waking up the next day, etc. It's a really odd mind space of not really wanting to die but not really wanting to be alive either and it's super hard to explain to people who have never experienced it.
@@Minakie Thanks! It’s good to have an actual term to put with the feeling. It really is a weird mindset, hoping to get randomly taken out. I experience anticipatory anxiety, so that may have had something to do with not planning or wanting to do be the one responsible- knowing in advance & anticipating the pain is too much for me. It also puts me in this weird space of feeling not “brave” enough to do it myself, yet deciding to live takes so much courage! I don’t know if you’ve watched One Piece, but the scene with Robin saying she wants to live had me crying.
This is what I chi ave the past five years- and I’m lost-I don’t have a real self and antidepressants and everything else doesn’t help. Sleep is nice
@@visionvixxen Have you tried learning about psychology and how our minds work? I don't know about you, but when I feel like I don't understand something and it's important to me, I just go into reading and research mode. Antidepressants have a role to play in many situations, but they're not there to deal with the root cause of why we might need them. They might (or might not) help with the symptoms of the problem, but don't actually treat the cause. That's what the different branches of psychology try to do. There are loads of them. All with their different emphases, different models to try and help us picture what goes on in our "head" so we can be more proactive in leading ourselves instead of constantly being surprised and overwhelmed when things don't go as we might like them to.
One school of thought which resonates with me is called IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy. There are loads of books about it so you can read as much as you like to understand it and how to use the model yourself. There are even a number of "self therapry" workbooks which use the model to help people do their own therapy - because I don't know about where you are, but here psychotherapy costs a lot. It's probably true that books don't replace a therapist, but I like books and reading them and doing things myself. I have trouble asking for help. And yes, that's on my list of things to investigate further.
That was a bit long winded. I just wanted to say that if you're lost then maybe some reading might help and IFS might be a useful starting direction. I found out about that from reading "Your body keeps the score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk which introduced a number of different psychological therapy systems. IFS was the one which I was drawn to the most, but there are plenty of others. Don't give up, answers are out there to help become un-lost 🙂
@@matthewbucktrout3291 lovely recommendations and really great overall comment. I struggle myself, have trouble asking for help etc and I have done a lot of my own “work” in healing. Reading and listening to books helps me gain perspective that I wasn’t raised with. I still struggle but UA-cam has a lot of videos like these that help you feel less alone. They have free audiobooks, like Matthew mentioned and also a lot of others. I love the free videos from @therapyinanutshell and @heidipriebe. It’s hard work to be a human, especially if you’re “sensitive” or have any diagnosis that makes you feel like things can be extra tough sometimes. It helps to find compassionate people, I find comfort in that. I hope someone else can too
@@Sensory0verlord Just please don't rely on a car hitting you or something like that, because if it happens the result might be the opposite of what you wish - you might survive and become handicapped for life - a situation much worse than what you have now. I think safe drugs is what you should try (like magic mushrooms which essentially give you natural serotonin).
I am blown away by your sharing. My beloved 23 year old daughter recently died by suicide, She was diagnosed at age 22... Thank you so much for increasing awareness in such a major way.
@@dorismcphee8319 I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter! That is absolutely heartbreaking. My deepest sympathies. ❤️🩹
So sorry for your loss 😢 I lost my 22 year old nephew in 2022 right before Christmas
@@MelModica So sorry for your loss!
I am crying. Parallel lives.❤
Thanks for watching! ❤️
Did you try something that can positively rewire your brain? Like DMT, shrooms or whatnot?
@@georgecarlin2656 I did try, but nothing worked. Some things made it even worse.
I can't agree more. I don't know if I should be happy or cry.
You told my exact experience. I am male, but other than that my story is incredibly similar.
Thank you for sharing, and making me feel less alone. Glad you are still here with us. Thanks for hanging in there @SensoryOverload.
Finally finding out I am autistic really helped. I have found a bunch of tools that have really helped. Sometimes I feel like an imposter, but headphones, fidget tools keep me under control.
Thanks again.
@ Thanks for watching! I always have those mixed feelings too when someone relates to this particular topic because while it’s a relief to know we’re not alone, I’m sorry that anyone else has experienced this. Glad you’re still here too!
Same here... Diagnosed at 39 with similar situation.
It's been crazy going through this transition... No support your whole life and not knowing my issues were autistic related.
I don't have any real friends currently, due to isolation.
So much has changed, seeing life through the lense of sober and ASD.
*hugs*
Sending love from San Diego ❤
I agree - it’s been wild living this long with no explanation (or wrong guesses) for what’s going on with my nervous system & why these issues keep popping up. It’s been better since my diagnosis.
No friends is better than the wrong friends. Long distance friendships & a non-cohabiting relationship are what I have currently, & that works so much better for me. Isolation can be an important part of recovery.
❤️🩹
Go to a Dead gig, you wont be alone anymore,
That's where you will find the experts on our condition, the doctors aint got a clue , because they cant imagine what they cant experience
I can relate to all of what you’re saying. I’m almost 32 and only recently been diagnosed with Autism. I was diagnosed years ago with severe OCD and depression but I’ve always had social difficulties as well and difficulties maintaining relationships, and addiction, it makes a lot of sense. It feels liberating in a sense but also devastating. I always thought if I worked hard enough at self-improvement I could be the person I wanted..needed to be, normal with normal relationships etc..But knowing now these flaws or incapacities may be an inherent part of my being, my biology, and just who I am… feels absolutely tragic and overwhelming at times. I fear for my future.
@@joshchapman4753 I understand the mixed feelings. There’s a song by Fleet Foxes called Someone You’d Admire that perfectly captures the conflicting feelings I’ve had over the years. Some days the future seems brighter than others. When I focus on the present, I seem to handle things much better. ❤️
As a person in their 50's.... constantly being told to "find therapy".... this is it for me. The endless bearing witness, and commiserating.... we deserve better. This doesn't seem right. Ty for being here 🫶 hang in there. 💌
@@stephss Thank you for watching! I agree- listening to other autistic people’s stories definitely helps. I’ve done therapy too, which helped me get an official diagnosis, but I don’t get that feeling of understanding that I get here. I’m so grateful for the interaction I get with this community. It’s been life changing.
so grateful to have come across your video
Thank you for watching! ❤️ I’m so sorry! I hope you’re doing better now. Accommodations may help while the diagnosis is pending. I know it can sometimes take a while.
so pleased you’re ok. somewhere along the line in my younger days i squared it away as something i would never do, like killing someone else. i’ve also found i can suffer like a champ, knowing that ‘this too shall pass’
@@kirstinline Thank you! The feeling is gone currently, so hopefully seeing the patterns, having a diagnosis, & knowing how to accommodate will help it stay gone.
@@Sensory0verlord your videos are all about the accommodations you’ve made for yourself and your laughter is so real. if knowing yourself is trusting yourself, i don’t think you’ve anything to worry about. keep on trucking! 👊
Thanks for the encouragement. As someone whose struggled with suicidal ideation for most of their life (18ish of 26 years), I really appreciate this advice! And I have a ring on that literally says "this too shall pass" om the inside
@@Orisitdonald it’s hard to remember sometimes. i discovered years ago that a panic attack only lasts 10 minutes if you let it. everything else is caused by the desperate attempt to not have one. all scary thoughts are only thoughts if you let them come and let them go. REALLY scary ones are exactly the same and only serve to distract me from what’s really bothering me. Hm. it’s hard to explain briefly but it’s changed my life 100%
have a good day 👍
(just using this as an example and not telling you what’s what!)
My son has been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD very early in life and has had the ideation since he was 3 or 4. It started out with him wanting to end the video game to get a new life since he was playing Mario games a lot at the time. I had to put a hook latch high up so he could not get out on the baloney since he would make a comment about going there. He had many very big emotional swings from time to time over the years that would lead to serious situations. Almost 12 now he's only just this year calmed down in intensity with anxiety medication and maturity. He's gained the ability to reason with his thoughts and correct for himself. Just yesterday he made a comment of self reflection with some troubling thoughts he had about friendships that showed me he's grown so much over the past 5 months since the last time he was having really big difficulties. I was so proud of him.
I can fully relate to a lot of what you say from my past also. Feeling like I don't fit in to any group, uncomfortable in social things, and oh my god the projection that people would put on me (good and bad). But having my kids, especially my oldest son along with other "life situations" pointed me into a good direction so far to have a greater understanding and still learning of typicals, neurotypicals and myself.
He’s lucky to have a parent who understands & supports him & shows pride in his personal growth & when he overcomes life’s struggles. That can have such a positive impact! I’m glad your journey led you to greater understanding. ❤️
I have auDHD and struggled in similar ways to your son when I was younger, to the point where everyone gave up because they thought my life ending that way was just inevitable. But now I refuse to even see ending my life as an option. Thank you for standing by your son, not giving up on him and being such a good parent, it truly makes a world of difference. I know this must be scary and really hard as a parent but I want you and your son to know that it can get better, that's why I shared that piece of my own story, to pass on a little hope to you both.
I wish you, your son and the rest of your loved ones all the very best. I truly hope that things get better for your son and I'm sending you both love.
@@NickNightfall1711 Thank you Nick. It was very draining at first. I have seen first hand some of his extended family over the years in a way give up by not even being able to understand. They had not fully understood that discipline that you would apply to his cousins or even as his siblings cannot be applied in the same way to him. I've been doing more deliberate actions with planning and redirection in mind that so far gives him structure and predictability. I want to plan some measured spontaneity sometimes so he can understand that life can be unpredictable.
A friend at work knows about him and has told me it will get better, which it already has. It's good that you have turned life around. Thank you for your comment and have a nice weekend.
Desire to expire is such a great way to describe passive suicidal ideation. I sometimes wonder what life would be like wanting to wake up every morning. That thought is more alien to me than the thought of having a rich social network.
I can’t imagine what either of those things must be like. Mornings are the worst & I don’t mean that in a cutesy office break room poster kinda way. That was usually the time that the ideation hit the strongest.
@@Sensory0verlord for me, it’s always the evening, likely related to feeling like going to sleep just to do it all again is such a futile act. The transition to sleep has always been a difficult time for me.
Thanks for sharing this. My IRL social network consists of my wife, and while I can talk to her about anything, I have to be careful because my needs over our 30 year marriage have been a LOT and she is a hyper-empath. Any level of suicidal ideation is a huge burden on her, a burden I’m not going to place unless I move beyond passive ideation. It’s surprisingly comforting to know you aren’t alone in these kinds of things, and that talking about it doesn’t come with the additional fear of how the person you are talking to will react.
I feel the same way about the morning except it’s waking up just to do it all again & same with morning transitions for me, especially on weekdays.
I’m happy to share because I know how it is to feel like you’re experiencing something all alone or as an anomaly. We’re not alone. I’m thankful to the other autistic content creators who put themselves out there, so I’m paying it forward.
Let me start by saying you are not alone!!♾️ I have Autism/ADHD and I am also an empath. I am late self diagnosed under the the care of my Dr. a psychiatrist and a therapist. I had a mental breakdown just over 1 year ago and set up therapy before the breakdown (I knew it was coming) I had no clue how extreme it was going to be. My brain rewired and unmasked and it was a 7 day breakdown. I have 2 thought processes and 2 voices, my autistic thought to speech was never there or it was when i was young and was an extreme masker. I'm very autistic forward and i stutter and stammer when i speak most of the time. I am a regular stimmer so it's an all day trait and this includes vocal stims. I'm 58 and I do have autism in my family. Every day is a challenge, thought to actions has also changed. One of my special interests is cooking and never had to put a lot of thought into cooking but now it's a huge challenge for me to do this because of how much thought that has to go into it now. Music does help because it does help my mind not wander as i put ingredients together so a bit more focus on the task. I cut and polish gemstones as a hobby and added music to that early on. A hobby that is over 5 years now, the longest hobby ever!! What I have come to realize is that validation from people who just engage with me really helps and if i can speak on my special interests that's even more validation which helps to motivate my thoughts in a positive way. Showing people my artistic view with my gems, which includes opals, really gives me a boost. It gives me self worth and self meaning. Now the tricky part with most is stimming, you have to have to have to stim as much as your central nervous system needs, you have to let it go. The steps I took, I work in a middle school as a custodian 2nd shift. The first 1.5 hours of my day are with teachers and some students so yes I stim as i push a broom. Bingo, dingo, nonsense sounds, and if i stop to talk to a teacher, I'm either rocking or bouncing on my toes. I set up my environment so i could succeed with being me. I confided in a teacher to let the entire staff in the building know what i was going through during the change. I had repetitive tics during the 7 day change, they stopped for a month and came back for 3 and have stopped for the most part so it was a very difficult time mentally. I did get appoached by some staff members who are also on the spectrum and this all gave me comfort and was an extremely hard step for me to take. I used to be cool and calm and well not exactly level headed but almost!!🤪🤣♾️ What I have learned about myself in this journey. I suffered from anxiety/panic disorder with depression most of my life. Didn't know what it was when i was young but went on Paxil in my 30's and took it up until a few months back. I rationalized that I no longer needed the Paxil the reason is I concluded the anxiety/panic disorder was from masking my autism and adhd because my central nervous system was regulating with negative energy from the suppession. I did go into a bad burnout after weaning off the Paxil (not associated with it though) and started on Prozac because i needed a boost to come out of the dark abyss and have had no bad anxiety. I am a nervous/anxious person but excited anxiety not bad anxiety. This of course raises my hyperness and when I'm at work I'm hyper and excited and yay more stimming than if i were at home!!🤭🤭 Being an empath helps me to read people when they see and hear me and people don't care, i present as a totally different person than over a year ago and i do ask people if I am and they say yes. That's me finally, in so many ways I am free and so many ways trying to learn how to navigate my day. There is one place i can go to feel as 1 and that would be hiking in the woods, all the stimulation for my autism and all the stimulation for my adhd they become 1 i can turn off my thoughts here as well, a euphoric feeling really!!🤔👀 One thing too, our ability to be monotropic thinkers gives us the ability to be very introspective and dive into our mental state. I think this is extremely important so we can really learn who we are and what our abilities really are. Once you accept who you are you will start to love yourself even more. The ultimate goal is to be yourself for an overall healthy life, I never said normal🤭 but normal is not us, and quite honestly, there is no normal only about the same because we are all unique. As weird as I am there are weird people out there from me but i enjoy weird. Start focusing on your special abilities and your special interests it really does help. Since my mornings are mostly free, I do not plan anything I go with my flow and every transition of my day is a process of adjustments and i have accepted that. Is my day level and smooth absolutely not!!🤪🤪🤣🤣♾️ I define myself with my special abilities, I also know my abilities exceed the abilities of the neurotypical!!🥳🥳 I'm probably 45 minutes in so before this becomes my book which would be tiltled Autismal Plurality The Art of The Neuro🌶Spicy!! ©️ Thanks for sharing!!👻🤪🌶🤘😎♾️
Music helps with so many things for me! Basically anything that requires action and/or movement. (I just can’t have music with lyrics while someone is talking bc it runs together). I wish I could start my morning slow & ease into the day bc I am not a morning person. It’s great that you work around others on the spectrum. The kind of support we find in the community has been very helpful to me personally. Self-acceptance and accommodations have certainly improved my quality of life. Thanks for watching! 😊
I'm wired very similar.
Been through a dip recently and the 'desire to expire' is a good description. I've always usually described it as 'waiting for an apocalypse.'
“Waiting for an apocalypse” is a good way to describe it too. That describes how I feel when I know I need to make a major change that will cause life upheaval in order to get myself out of the depression. I love your username, btw. 🙂
@Sensory0verlord
That's an interesting take on that, I wonder if my subconscious is asking for an upheaval too. I am currently changing a lot of things..
I usually put it down to wishing the world would change so I could finally find a place to belong amongst the chaos and breakdown of societal norms :')
Haha thanks! I'm a big fan Cary Elwes films.. and robots. (And my surname's Roberts)
Now I want to go watch The Princess Bride and Love, Death, + Robots. 😆
Iam glad you are still here iam a lafe diagnosed austistic you are are always interesting
@@LiamODonovan-l6e Thank you & thanks for watching! 😊
Thank you for being so honest about your experiences. We are NOT okay just because we can mask. I wish you the very best for the future! ❤❤
@@cowsonzambonis6 Thank you for watching! ❤️
(Oops -this was supposed to be a reply, but I’ll leave it here 😆) Music helps with so many things for me! Basically anything that requires action and/or movement. (I just can’t have music with lyrics while someone is talking bc it runs together). I wish I could start my morning slow & ease into the day bc I am not a morning person. It’s great that you work around others on the spectrum. The kind of support we find in the community has been very helpful to me personally. Self-acceptance and accommodations have certainly improved my quality of life. Thanks for watching! 😊
Music is powerful. Some peoples aura fluctuates with the music. Goth Bosch Incarnate... March 1965 to March 19, 2029.
Beware of limerence. It's unrealistic in this dimension. Clair-limerence is the highest form of love
It's what I feel on the otherside. It attracted Donna Douglas. A plus plus. Be limerence is unrealistic on this side.
Animals keep us here... keep us breathing.
@@gothboschincarnate3931 I had never even heard of limerence until the past year. But it’s definitely something of which to beware.
Thank you for sharing. You described my life. Very recent late diagnosis has at least made much of my past make sense for the first time.
Thank you for watching! Yes, it seems to help all the pieces fit together. ❤
This is so spot on... Wow *tears*
I got late-diagnosed with autism this morning. I am 52. It's a shock, but makes a lot of sense now looking back. Your video is so helpful today. It feels like you're speaking about my life. Your openness is liberating and gives me permission to look honestly at my own masking, pain and truth over the years. I've had burnout and suicidal ideation since teens. Never tried it, but did the drinking to cope in 20s and have the sensitivity to drink drugs meds. Social exhaustion. Difficulties in relationships. Misunderstood. Where do I fit in etc.
You are so articulate and concise in your expression. Each anecdote one after the other kept me wrapped by shared experience. Your insights are like a catalogue of my past life, kind of threading them all together in a 32 min vid. Your comment on humour and nihilism to absurdism as a coping mechanism really struck me too. It's been a huge help on a very strange and difficult day for me suddenly seeing my whole life in a new light. So, thank you for putting this out there and making me feel less alone today : ) (love the artwork)
@@RichardLewis-l8i Thank you! I struggle to be articulate & concise & worry that I’m not, so extra thanks for that! I always have mixed feelings when people can relate to this topic. On one hand, it’s a relief that we’re not alone in feeling this way, not alone in our experiences. On the other hand, I’m sad that anyone experiences this. I’m glad that sharing my experiences can help! Here’s hoping that the answers we’ve found later in life can help us understand the past and live life to the fullest.
HI Holly,
It's good to talk about these sorts of things, to get them out in the open so that we can all see that we're not alone in feeling that way sometimes. After a period like that myself I decided to spend some time trying to dissect the reason behind it. For me I fantisised about actually being dead and what that would be like. At that time it seemed like a desirable place to be. I imagined being somewhere completely dark and quiet. I realised much later (when I had learned what autism was and realised that the hat fitted very well) that what I was fantisising about was being in a quiet place, by myself, with no distractions or interruptions. I think at the time I was really, really needing more alone time than was possible (very small children) and I was probably pretty burnt out at the time too.
Also it's another example of how I found the Internal Family Systems therpary model useful - to realise that I have a PART of me who sees suicide as a perfectly acceptable and reasonable option. But that PART of me is not ALL of me. When that part expresses the desire to be dead, or suggets that woudl be a good idea, it's because he's spotted there's a problem. And so now I listen to the message and delve deeper to work out what's not right that needs sorting out.
Then one last comment before this gets too long (I'm learning 🙂) Limerance - I found out what that is the other week. Another revelation. Currently going down the rabbithole of learning about attachment theory and attactment styles. Big can of worms, very interesting and insightful. I would recommend Heidi Priebe's youtube channel very highly.
Take care and I hope you feel better soon.
@@matthewbucktrout3291 Hi Matthew! I’m feeling better these days for sure. It certainly helps to have a diagnosis and know what I’m dealing with in order to accommodate. I can relate to what you said about imagining being in a quiet dark place because so many times during these episodes, the remedy was actually removing myself from an overstimulating and/or toxic environment. My wires get crossed easily and I can’t tell too much sensory input from negative emotions or the sensory input causes the distress but I can’t identify the source. Since realizing that, I can stop & ask myself questions about my environment, when I last ate/slept/exercised, etc. things that could have an impact on my overall mental state.
I can imagine it must be difficult with a family since you can’t exactly drop everything and isolate as long as you need. Hopefully you’ve made accommodations for yourself at home.
It’s good to hear from you! Hope you’ve been doing well. 🙂
@@Sensory0verlord Glad to hear you're feeling better these days. I'm OK at the moment too, thank you 🙂
I agree that knowing what we're dealing with in order to better cope with things is the way to go. I'm looking forward to having my autism evaluation to solidify (or explode) my belief that I'm autistic. But I was just thinking - you know those mapping applications which have various overlays you can choose to put on the map - like the map itself, aerial photos, land use data etc. Sometimes there can be loads of them to choose from which give different information about the same geographical location. I think autism is just one overlay, which gives one set of information, which is very useful and fundamental, but still not the whole story or the only useful piece of information.
The other overlays, which apply to everyone else too in one way or another are potentially very helpful too. We all had a chlidhood and the experiences which influenced who we have grown up to be. We all had parents or other significant care-givers, who did the job they did as parents and left the marks they left.
The having children thing creates a whole new dimension to the needing to understand what's going on, so that the inter-generational wheel doesn't just turn without anyone even realising it exists. I want to understand myself for myself, but also so I can avoid making some of the same mistakes my ancestors made, with my decendants.
As I've said before, I love learning about psychology, to better understand what's going on inside myself. To get to the point of making friends with our self-destructive parts and self-sabotaging parts and accept them as valued members of our internal family with a real positive contribution to make to our lives sounds like a good thing to me. To be able to listen to what they have to say when they have somthing to say, instead of ignoring them or fighting against them so that they feel the need to act out and make us take notice by starting a riot. If we can learn to listen to them with compassionnate curiosity instead of shunning them and fighting against them, they can calm down and be our friends. Need to understand what they're trying to do to help us even if on the surface trying to persuade us to kill ourselves doesn't seem very helpful and come across as a bit twisted; if they're actually trying to give us an escape from a situation which is overwhelming and think that being dead in a calm, dark, quiet place seems like a good option perhaps it can be seen as trying to help. Just not a great way of going about it.
If we can take a step back from the situation and realise it's a call for help or a call for change and actually tihink about what needs to be changed, and then change it, perhaps we're on to a winner. The self-descructive parts are just trying to tell us there's something we need to look into and do something about because it's not OK.
This is getting a bit long, I'll stop there.
Other folk have already written books on the subject 🙂
I'm reading a book which is very inspiring at the moment, which is connecting with a fun loving musical part of me which has been hidden away for a long time. It's a book called Dilla Time which is a combined biography and technical musical discussion of the life and work of James Yancey (J Dilla). Learning about hip hop music and beatmaking and the combination of human amde music and machine music. Fun stuff. I need to rediscover who I really am and what really makes me tick, where the fun went out of life, what's important to me. I think I'm on the right track doing more music.
Have a nice day!
@@matthewbucktrout3291 The GIS analogy is pretty perfect, & I agree that autism can be one or more layers of what goes on internally- the three given being the sensory, social, & communication differences but also there are the common physical comorbidities like EDS & autoimmune disorders. I guess you could say autism is the topography because whether or not we’re aware, everything in our lives is affected by it. Our mental & neurological heath depends on good, environmentally conscious engineering for optimal performance.
I also agree that S ideation could be a type of extreme security system for the overwhelmed brain, telling us to get out of a toxic or dangerous situation. Doing video journals & externally processing my thoughts & feelings really helped (along with therapy & a healthy lifestyle). It allowed me to listen to those parts of myself you mentioned. I’m a work in progress & still learning, but at least I’m still here.
People emit a strange sound to me, as I grow older I realize it is the echo of my words and thoughts in their hollow selves!
@@kylehorner8782 Well said! Surface dwellers do tend to emit an echo.
Thank you for sharing. I'm 34, been burnt out for a few years and my desire to expire is the strongest it's ever been, but I also have 2 dogs that keep me here. I'm not diagnosed but the more I hear stories like yours, the more I suspect I am.
@@jedimasterkira Thank you for watching! My dogs helped me through some of the worst of times. I’m glad you have them & vice versa. Hearing different autistic experiences really have helped me feel less alone even before my diagnosis. Self-diagnosis is valid- a lot of us start out that way.
So many things that you shared resonated with me...
There were many times when I didn't want to exist, because I felt trapped in the relationship and then marriage. Or just life.
I am alone now. I have been suffering from burn out for years.
I just recently had my autism diagnosis at the age of 60.
The fact that I am autistic gave me a new perspective on life and myself. I feel ok to be different. I have more empathy for myself. I don't feel like a failure anymore.
I now think autism is a gift that was unwrapped for too long.
@@ewamariamajdan6200 I feel the same way since my diagnosis, which I just received last year in my mid-40s. It has felt like a gift in that it makes so many things in my life make sense. I can also relate to having more empathy for myself now that I know. An accurate understanding of what’s happening with our nervous systems can definitely change things for the better.
My first thought was that I wish I had seen this video twenty years ago, yet it was released days ago, and oh my life, it's been worth the wait. Your words resonate so hard right now.
@@HazYyy Thank you for watching! I always have mixed feelings when people can relate to this subject because I feel bad that you’ve experienced the same yet there’s some relief in feeling understood & knowing we’re not alone.❤️
Thank you so much for making this video
@@Natvaesen Thank you for watching! Your situation is very relatable, heavy masking/camouflaging & not knowing how you really feel besides awful. Alexithymia is something to look into to see if sounds descriptive. It’s something I found out that I experience when I received my diagnosis. I know the wait for a diagnosis can be long, but if you have sensory issues, you can start accommodating for those right away if you already haven’t. It can help. I wish you the best! ❤️
@@Sensory0verlord Thank you so much for answering
@@Sensory0verlord OMG! I have to write an answer to my own answer now! :P I am half way through a video about alexithymia and am extatic! This is how I feel, and I never thought that it was a specific thing, and that others than myself dealt with such a strange thing! Thank you again 🥰 I'm learning stuff!
@@Natvaesen You’re welcome! ☺️ I’m still learning too. It’s a great feeling when it all starts to make sense.
reminds me a bit of.Henry Rollins...
"I know you
You are too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth
You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic
Made you think there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror trying to find it
You thought you were ugly
And everyone was looking at you
So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation
The hours, days, weekends
Ah the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job?
Just to have something to do?
Just to have a place to put yourself?
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones who made you feel so strange and
Ill-at-ease inside yourself
Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you'd know what to do
If you would had the right things on
If they' d notice you came from a different planet
Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you were going to go in there and deal with it
And have a great time
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were going to talk to you
To find out that you were wrong
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so strange after all
Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out you were invited because they thought you were so weird
Yeah, I think I know you
You spent alot of time full of hate
A hate as pure as sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time
Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived
Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't
That was home
I know you
You're sensitive and you hide cuz you fear getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself
That is the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you
They mistake kindness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about
Because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive
You know yourself very well you now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well
You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you wont feel so strange around
And you found that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens
Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time day dreaming
And people have made comment to that affect
Telling you that your self involved and self centered
But they don't know do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt,
The intense depression
The blinding hate the rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection
Well, maybe they do know
But if they do they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life
As if life itself was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself
With your apparent skill in finding every way possible to screw it up
For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun
The changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won allie
Faithful and patient
Yeah I think I know you
Thank you for your generous sharing. So much of what you said resonates with me. I got my diagnosis in November, and channels like yours are helping me feel less alone. 🥰
@@WendyLMacdonald Thank you for watching! Other autistic people sharing their experiences on UA-cam have definitely helped me, so happy to pay it forward! 💜
Knowing that you are free to do it sometimes makes you don't want to do it instead. The rejection and the mere thought that it is a bad thing and we ought to go on living makes us more depressed and inclined to put it to an end.
@@ArthurM1863 That’s an excellent point. Taking that into consideration, it’s important to understand the reason why we’re feeling the urge rather than to condemn the feelings. Punishing ourselves for feeling that way will only compound the problem. Observing the thought & withholding judgment while exploring the cause & finding solutions is a good approach.
Yes, it's important to share these things, with people who are safe and can hear what we are really feeling. Sadly, therapists are typically not able to handle hearing our most difficult thoughts and feelings.
Nihilism to absurdism is an interesting reframing. I think I might have stumbled into this, too, and didn't realize until just now when you said it. Thank you.
@@naomieyles210 I like my therapist as a person, but I do think she struggles to understand me sometimes. Sometimes I think it’s my inability to communicate properly what I’m feeling. The autism community on YT has been really helpful for me, especially helping me feel understood. Thanks for watching!
I love the way you talk, its very similar to my timing talking, and the pauses and experiences that you say, is like whatching my life tru your lenses.
@@AlvaroLayossa Thanks for watching & for relating!
In Highschool I used to listen to The Suicidal Tendencies to chase away the Suicidality
You Can’t Bring Me Down
What the hell is going on around here?
First off, let's take it from the start
Straight out, can't change what's in my heart
No one can tear my beliefs apart
You can't bring me
You ain't never seen no one like me
Prevail regardless what the cost might be
Power flows inside of me
You can't bring me
Never fall as long as I try
Refuse to be a part of your lie
Even if it means I die
You can't bring me
You can't bring me down
Who the hell you calling crazy?
You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson
Was eating fruit loops on your front porch
Time out, let's get something clear
I speak more truth than you want to hear
Scapegoat to cover up your fear
You can't bring me
You ain't never seen so much might
Fight for what I know is right
What up? You got yourself a fight
You can't bring me
Stand up, we'll all sing along
Together ain't nothin' as strong
Won't quit, we ain't in the wrong
You can't bring me
You can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
You can't bring me down
Tell them what's up, Rocky
You can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
You can't bring me down
So why you trying to bring me?
Well, you can't bring me down, no, no, no, no
Can't bring me down, no, no, no, no, no, no
Can't bring me down, no, no, no, no, no, no
Can't bring me down, no, no, no, no, no, no
So why you trying to bring?
Well, you can't bring me down
Just 'cause you don't understand what's going on
Don't mean it don't make no sense
And just 'cause you don't like it, don't mean it ain't no good
And let me tell you something
Before you go taking a walk in my world
You better take a look at the real world
'Cause this ain't no Mister Roger's neighborhood
Can you say, "Feel like shit"?
Yeah, maybe sometimes I do feel like shit
I ain't happy 'bout it, but I'd rather feel like shit than be full of shit
And if I offended you, oh, I'm sorry, but maybe you need to be offended
But here's my apology, and one more thing
Fuck you!
You can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
Bring me down, you can't bring me down, no
Bring me down, you can't bring me down
You can't bring me down
Can't bring me down!
Can't bring me down!
You can't bring me down!
Suicidal
Loving the fringe Holly, you have an ethereal glow about you today.
So many folks in the comments can relate, I also totally relate. My early twenties when I was first out in the world without a boyfriend were dreadful. I had the route to expire as one possible choice until I had my daughter, then, well how could I leave her? I would have to cope now. Did a few times consider that I could 'take her with me' but it was just a tool to help me cope I think, I never could have done anything. So sad we all had to struggle so much, and feel so alone.
Big hugs to everyone who has ever felt gut twisting loneliness xxx
Thank you so much & thanks for watching! 😊 It really is bittersweet that so many relate because in a way, it confirms we’re not alone & there’s some comfort in that. Simultaneously, it’s such a terribly sad & lonely feeling that I wish no one had to experience it ever. 😢 ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Very relatable. I wish for all of us to enjoy life and love ourselves 💚💕🌈
@@raeannecarvalho9153 Thank you for watching! 😊 I wish for that as well.
I can totally relate to everything you talked about. Thank you so much for sharing your story
@@jaimesoto452 Thank you for watching! 🙂
I feel you and you should make a handshake with your unfortunate past situations in every aspect.
Desire to expire!
It’s both deeply poetic and funny to me.
I can relate.
You are such a beautiful person inside out.
I’m trying to get officially diagnosed. I’m on a waitlist.
I really love the new bangs/fringe❤
The way you describe going to events.. Waow. I understand completely. Super sensitive.
Mina was like that for me. She now guides me from the beyond.
@@MIOLAZARUS Wow! What synchronicity! I was just watching your latest video. Glad you found your key & were able to go home! You always give me lots to think about. Thanks for sharing your perspective with the world!
Thank you! You are beautiful as well! ❤️ I hope the waitlist isn’t too long.
Thanks for sharing.
@@KittyInTheGarden Thanks for watching 🙂
We are so complex and some of us too simple to even believe there´s some humanity in us.
There are so many - though not infinite, issues to break down and discuss concerning our feelings and emotions which many of us think they are actually the same. For instance, when we believe intuition and instinct are similar when in reality belong to two different realms.
We do not know much of ourselves, philosophically (our beliefs, even the religious, specially those referring death and solitude), socially (our standards towards ourselves and the others), psychologically (our feelings and emotions) and what we call our "interests"; this is, the combination of our skills and uses of our different shapes of intelligence (auditory, spacial, natural, analytical, etc). But, above all, linguistically, in the ways we try to communicate (sometimes as listeners, sometimes as speakers).
Thank you very much for being this honest and clear. I hope everything goes well for you, because this video here, regardless any diagnosed, is a living proof you are super bright at many relevant levels.
Cheers!
@@joelmolinapalau6811 Thank you so much! I agree- we are very complex and the factors contributing to our mental and neurological wellbeing is as varied as the individual circumstances and environments in which we live.
I can’t remember the source, but recently I heard that no one can ever fully know us as we never fully know ourselves. It’s impossible to know for in order to know ourselves fully, we’d have to be able to examine our entire life as a whole- beginning to end. At this point in my life, I don’t think I’m done writing that story just yet. Thank you for the encouragement! Hope all is well with you too.
we will all expire soon enough. no need to rush it
... March 19th, 2029... Been asking for more then 20 years. Donna is good with numbers.
Very true. As Robert Frost put it, “miles to go before I sleep.” At least I hope so- I want to go back out west soon.
Thanks for sharing this experience!
@@respergu13 Thanks for watching! ❤️
Really appreciate your videos! You put into words very well the experience. Overstimulation hurts!
@@TranscendingTrauma Thank you so much! ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for watching! 🙂
Wow…..this is extremely relatable. Thank you for sharing your story. 🫂❤️🙏🏽
@@BigDaddyDru Thank you for watching! ❤️
I tend to binge watch NDE (near death experiences) videos. And in doing so, I’ve come to realize that death is not an escape. We still exist. We still have things to learn. We still have to answer for issues in our life on earth. I understand that life here can be so overwhelming we just want it to end. But, there is no end….so “expiring” won’t actually work.
I admit, that realization made me sad, at first. But I’m to the point that I’ve accepted that I’m in the “long haul” …so i might as well make the best of it. And by that I mean- I accommodate myself to the max. I stopped doing things I don’t like, and started doing a Lot of the things that soothes me. That helps me. I hope this post helps someone, too.
@@funnifulAccommodations can make a huge difference. They definitely help me. I’m still learning & figuring out what things I need, learning how to listen to what my body/nervous system needs, how to identify emotions (bc of the alexithymia), but I can tell a significant difference with the accommodations I’ve made so far.
Thank you for sharing ❤ relatable, and I understand you to the point of tears😢...its been a lonely world in the internal conflict of not knowing exactly what is wrong. Thank you again for sharing your story ❤
@@XxXxCxXx333 Thank you for watching! ❤️ It helps to know we’re not alone in this.
Relate to so much of this story. This definitely echoes my experiences and feelings. Thank you so much for sharing.❤
@@marisa5359 You’re very welcome! Thank you for watching❤️
Thank you so much for talking about this subject & how you felt & coped. My goodness again I'm with you in all of this. I suffer with chronic migrains which I'm sure are triggered by my sensory overload & incapability to tolerate most people or social situations. The choice: lonely or potential agony, oh how lovely. & those headaches last for DAYS. It makes me feel pretty vulnerable, but I'm super stubborn & a fighter so I refuse to crawl under a rock, (mostly), but I do know I can be laid low for days if I interact like the standard model human. And yep I only truly feel at ease when I'm alone, with animals or fossicking about in nature, hedge bothering or pebble spotting & the like!
Connection with all animals & nature is my absolute core! I simply feel like I am free to be my true self then. Do you greet every creature you meet? Cats, dogs, insects? Yep 'it's a thing' as the populous say. Oh & on being non-average, YES! I'm definitely a chocolate covered pickle alright! The sensory issues, I totally connect with you on that, honestly, my body is 'a right pain in the arse', as we say here over the pond. I even have the joy of random sporadic shooting pains, nerves firing in random places, do you have that? Why body, why? Ugh it can all get too much. But like you, I do try to take the absurdist view, (when I have the physical / mental energy to). It's by far the best way to look at things! Certainly less destructive. That said, I do live with passive S Ideation & have done ever since I can remember, I just live with it, because it raises its farty shroud oh so often, so I usually recognise it (eventually) & try to push through.
So often I deal with not being able to cope, revisiting uncomfortable & down right vile things that have happened, from years ago, decades even. I live with cptsd I'm sure, (not professionally diagnosed, but I'm not an idiot), so I have a lot of recurrent themes that resurface. Isolation is such a common thing with us lot isn't it? I guess it's down to self preservation for me. I do have a partner who I live with & I find that so difficult! I'm still not diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure...
Its tough sometimes to keep pushing through. I too have lost friends to the 'desire to expire' & I find myself thinking about the topic of 'the end' a lot. I can't help it. I lost my lovely canine companion years ago, she was my all & I have a lot of guilt & self loathing on how I feel I failed her, even though I'm told I didn't, I can't let that go & the thought of welcoming in another animal companion fills me with dread, because of 'the end'. The last few years have been terrible for losing loved ones & I just feel shell shocked from that. I lost people who meant so much to me, they were amazing people & trying to fathom that they do not exist in flesh and yet are so real in my mind is utterly baffling. The world feels smaller without them in it. Anyway, as ever your video has been a great comfort. Apologies for writing an essay as usual! Hmmm, shall I delete? Ah, nope. Thanks if you made it this far! Have a beautiful day x
@CoventinaSoapery I’m so sorry for your loss! 😢 I totally relate to the feeling of failing a canine companion & the dread of another for those same reasons. We love them with all our hearts but have so little control over external factors. It’s impossible to always keep them spoiled and safe from everything as they deserve to be safe & pampered & have our full attention all the time. We do our best & that’s all anyone can do. ❤️
And yes- I have random pains, say hello to other creatures, & also experience so much of what you’ve mentioned here.
@@Sensory0verlord thank you for replying, its such a comfort to feel less alone xx
When I was 40 I got my ADHD diagnosis, now I'm 42 and learning that AuDHD is a thing. It's wild how often now that a memory will pop up and I'm like "ohhhhh it was ADHD/Autism the whole time..."
Thank you for your video it is helpful to hear others perspectives. Not just so we realize we were never alone but because we are all a unique Melange of traits we can see how we are similar and different in our own special ways.
@@StarShade-l7q Thank you for watching! That’s very relatable as I sometimes think I’m AuDHD but I’m only officially diagnosed autistic. The perspectives of other neurodivergent people have been incredibly helpful for me. I love seeing that this community can celebrate its diversity while simultaneously supporting & encouraging each other through shared experience. ❤️
@@Sensory0verlord They do have an overlap, the "chance" I've seen given is like the largest range ever like 30%-80% of Autistic folks also have co-occurring ADHD, lol might as well just stay vague and be like "there is some overlap but we don't know how often"
I think maybe the problem is that the science is only recently (for science) opening up the discussion about how varied our traits can express themselves. Both with ADHD and Autism, and I don't know when they will get around to the point where they can begin to study the interaction of the two and how various traits balance each other.
Not to even begin to get into the cyclic nature of all humans hormones much less the larger effect of people with uteruses reproductive focused hormonal cycles.
Whenever I try to imagine the number of variables there I feel like Lucy at the chocolate factory, or for the younger millennials Sabrina the teenage witch when she gets addicted to pancakes.
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story.
@@NickNightfall1711 Thank you for watching! ❤️
I got really depressed and it took over 2 years before I even felt better thanks for the video lots of love 🌻
I’m so sorry it took so long! Hope you’re feeling better now. ❤️
You communicate your thoughts extremely well.
@@assistantto007 Thank you very much for saying so! 😊 It feels like a real struggle sometimes.
Love this so much! My suicidal ideation would make me disgusted with myself, and feel hypocritical. I value and love life, hurting bugs and plants hurts a little. No matter how old someone is i feel they were too young, then at same time I'm literally jealous of people that died.
I’m the same with loving & valuing other life. (That’s part of the reason I’m vegetarian.) We tend to be harder on ourselves than others it seems. Sometimes I remind myself that I’m an animal too. It helps me feel more compassion for myself.
There is so much in what yo'ure just written asking to be unpacked and delved into. Toxic shame and disgust doesn't just come from nowhere. It's what we're taught to feel, consciously or subconsciously in our childhood. Putting others above yourself too. Valuing other living things but not yourself....
Suicidal ideation isn't shameful. It's information, it's a part of you ringing an alarm bell ringing to try and get your attention that there's something you need to take a good look at/into.
One way of looking at this sort of situation goes like this (this is NOT me telling you what you think and feel and offering advice, just illustrating a general notion)
The "suicidal ideation and all the feelings which go with it" is a part of you trying to help you but in a bit of an unconventional and desperate way.
The part of you who is disgusted by the suicide-suggesting part is also trying to help you by trying to make you take no notice of the suicidal part.
Its way of helping puts it in direct conflict with the suicidal part, which maybe even causes the suicidal part to up its game and escalate by adding "we're disgusting and shameful" to its list of reasons for turning out the lights....
The psychological model in question argues that both of these parts are working to help you, but in their own fixed, rigid, unsophisticated way. The suicidal ideation part is great at detecting problem situations which are not OK. And it blows the whistle. Maybe it blows the whistle gently to begin with and only ramps up to suicidal ideation if you ignore it. Or maybe it just jumps right in at the deep end each time.
The shaming part maybe has an origin in past relationships - from childhood perhaps. Maybe it plays that role to protect you from external shaming it anticipates based on past experience. Some of us have such a part because we were shamed in childhood for being ourselves. The internal shaming part believes it is helping by protecting us against the pain of external shaming. If it can preempt the external shaming by shaming us viciously enough internally that we behave the way we were trained to behave by the external critic (a "care giver" perhaps) it thinks it's done us a favour.
All in all a fascinating subject with lots of potentially very useful reading avenues to follow if you're not currently in a dangerous place. You did say in your post that your suicidal ideation "would"... as though you were speaking about a situation which isn't currently dangerous.
My life is in a disarray. Every day feels like it lasts 4 times as long and I have to use medications and substances to slow my mind and make it manageable. I feel Death calling me. I'm avoiding it as best as I know how.
@@johnbillings5260 I’m so sorry for what you’re experiencing right now. I wish I had the answers for how to make things better, but the answers vary according to the individual. You’re doing your best & that’s got you this far, and that’s something to be proud of. ❤️
Marijuana dabs help
Love you. Love you. Thanks for sharing
You are so welcome! Thanks for watching! 🙂
So sad you're not alone, in a certain way ^^
i'm liviing the same life as you do.
your theory of an "expiration date" is a thing i said often. But in french ^^
i hope i could meet people like you and me someday.
@@olivhood I hope I can meet people like us too someday! I also think it’s bittersweet when someone can relate because I’m happy to feel understood but sad because of the implications of the understanding.
@@Sensory0verlord it's a strange feeling isn't it ? hoping not to be alone to share our feelings, and hoping to be the only one so others don't suffer. It's a proof of kindness anyway. You have that for you. look at you in front of a camera is like looking at me. Disturbing ^^ even if i'm bold, old an ugly, all the contrary for you . 😁
The reality is here : we exist, we suffer, we share. It's not our fault, nor our responsibility.
Sorry for my english ^^
I can relate a lot to what youre talking about in this video ❤🫶💯
👍👍👍👍👍
Thank you for making this video
@@CassyC-f7y Thank you for watching! ❤️
Life without drugs is so hard. It’s painful… like seriously painful to exist or think. Thank God for meds and caffeine and drugs but I wish it weren’t this way
I wish I knew the answers, but they seem to fluctuate. Some days it’s as simple as drink more water, other days it’s much more complicated, like moving to a different state & forming a whole new routine. The important thing is to keep trying, keep going. ❤️
Drugs are so great, and the worst. I feel like I may benefit from hospital medication but am scared of the entire medical system and cost. Cannabis has been my savior and crutch sometimes since my mid 20s. MDMA proved that it's possible to love myself. Alcohol almost took me out off and on until last year. My current health goal is quitting caffeine but I fear I may die before victory is achieved.
@@Broken_robot1986 I’m down to half-caff coffee, mornings only but that’s as far as I can see that going.
Maam your so special and I love you with all my heart. Im a 11 year old who loves jesus
Diagnosed at 59. This resonates.
Are those your paintings behind you?
@@AdamFlanagan-oq6op Yes, they are! I kinda do a walk-through & show them in another video 🙂 (somewhere closer to the middle bc I’m long-winded)
Sharing Relatable Experiences and Special Interests as a Late Diagnosed Autistic
ua-cam.com/video/x1dbe75Hi_M/v-deo.html
I diagnosed in fifties and intealaization never stopped it seems that worsted.
@@DimBak-cx6uc I’m so sorry it got worse! I wish I knew how to help everyone who feels this way, but all I can say is, you’re not alone. I don’t know who to credit for this quote, but it says, “The horrors persist but so do I.”
Carl Gustuv Jungs art later inspired the work of JR Tolkien. I also dislike overhead lights. I use led strips and table lamps to soften the light
I wish you were in Australia.
I didn’t realize that about Jung inspiring Tolkien! I love Tolkien’s work & have since I was a child. I don’t know as much about Jung, so this has piqued my interest in him.
Very hard. I am so tired all the time. :don’t like it. I’m fifty w supposed
Bipolar 2 and AdD . I also suspect ASD for sure, but wish I wasn’t so tired all the time
Thank you - a couple of thoughts, I think with your insight into the human condition, and your ability to make humour out of situations, maybe find somewhere you can learn to do amateur stand-up comedy - I think you would be good at it, and it would certainly take you out of your comfort zone in a challenging way. The other thing you might want to try is getting involved in an amateur dramatics group, again another way of engaging with others on your terms. Best wishes, Theo 🌿
@@sailingby Thank you for watching! Someone else once suggested stand-up comedy to me & I’m quite flattered that anyone would think I’d be good at that, so thanks! 🙂 Maybe one day, if I can find one with a not-too-bright-or-too-loud environment. The drama group could be fun as well. Thanks for the suggestions!
@@Sensory0verlord I live in the UK, and there’s a local amateur theatre near me, where one can act, or do production stuff like stage management, lighting, sound, costumes, directing, producing,, tickets, front of house, etc. I love it because amateur theatre people are so supportive and accepting - maybe because acting is all about being someone else! I also have to say that the plays they put on are every bit as good as precessional theatres. I look forward to hearing if you also get involved with one 😀
Relatable in a lot ways.
Most people are not awake in even the most basic ways. Look to those on the same path as you! Isolation is THE gift!
“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.”
― Charles Bukowski, What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire-
@@kylehorner8782 I really need to read some Bukowski. So many good quotes there!
@@Sensory0verlord "Find something you love and let it kill you".― Charles Bukowski
@@kylehorner8782 That was the exact quote I had in mind! My next thought was, I hope it’s a bear. 😆
Yea and now. I don’t want this
💚
Very familiar. This is why I don’t, and will never own a 🔫. If it had been easy, quick, and mostly painless, expiration would have happened 20+ years ago. Now knowing that I am autistic and being better able to control my environment helps, but should I ever find myself in the same mindset again I never want the means to be available without substantial effort. I fear threats from the outside far less than myself.
@@withheldformyprotection5518 I agree & completely understand not wanting to make it too easy to expire, just in case. It’s good to know that controlling your environment helps you. That supports what I’ve found since my diagnosis. Environmental control & accommodations really make a difference. I may not be giddy with excitement, but I’ll take regular old contentment over depression & burnout any day.
I am only discovering I am Autistic at 45. I have isolated myself over 7 years. I recently lost my small waterside apartment of 11 Years.
I have been masking my entire life.
@@REZZA2020 We’re the same age! I was just diagnosed last year. I’m so sorry about you losing your home. Our personal safe spaces are so essential to us. Isolating for short periods of time can be helpful. I think it’s important for each individual to find the right balance. Masking can be so draining & I’m learning that it can lead to faster burnout & and a longer recovery period.
We Autistics are very clever
We Autistics worked it all out Eons ago
But !!!!
We are all hidden in plain sight, They have no idea what we are , they see a few things but not much else
So we talk to each other "hidden in plain sight"
"some people cant see past the end of their nose"
"you have a bee in your bonnet"
"there is a Elephant in the room"
And so many others, All echoing mum to daughter Eternally,
I mean come on, who is going to be the experts on Autistic ?
The Autistic mums who else ? And they left you a message echoing eternally
"Rock a by baby on the tree top, When the wind blows the cradle will Rock, But when the BOUGH breaks the cradle will fall, and down to earth tumbling come baby and all"
"a woman always has the final word"
❤🌷🌞
Desire to Expire 😂 sorry to laugh considering the topic but thats a good one. Its okay to hate being around people(just read history humans are a messed up species). Highly recommend exercise and group exercise to get rid of anxiety. I have thoughts about depression, where a part of me thinks its almost a immune response(I know I know). Because you can push past depression as well with exercise but than I got sick with shingles at 41 which is still pretty young for that. But I would rather have physical pain from exercise to a certain extent than mental pain and there is a dichotomy between the two imo.
@@donnied6151 If it wasn’t for my dark sense of humor, I probably wouldn’t have made it this far, so no need to apologize for laughing. 🙂 Exercise- running particularly- has been really helpful to me. It’s great for helping me process things and regulating. It’s not effective on its own for me with burnout though.
@@Sensory0verlord i have found social fitness a great way to get amongst it. You are not the only one that doesn't like being around humans too much, sometimes I even think its a natural protective mechanism as we are a troublesome species. Social fitness (maybe some running groups in your area) all that angst goes away as you start working out and something about being in a group makes me go harder. Like you can convert that negative emotion into more exercise. Highly recommend dropping caffeine, that stuff causes burnouts plus heightened anxiety in me. Its okay to get tired.
I’m down to half-caff coffee, morning only. Any more than that can really affect me too.
@@Sensory0verlord cool God bless
I never felt that i belong in this world and still think i don't.
@@crazykosmikbunny That’s relatable. I never felt like I belong in society- only that I might belong in nature as a feral human. The planet is cool, but civilization is too overwhelming.
No Leaders Please
invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
don’t swim in the same slough.
invent yourself and then reinvent yourself
and
stay out of the clutches of mediocrity.
invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
change your tone and shape so often that they can
never
categorize you.
reinvigorate yourself and
accept what is
but only on the terms that you have invented
and reinvented.
be self-taught.
and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
its history
and the present
belong only to
you.
Charles Bukowski
Thank you for sharing the Bukowski poems you've been sharing in the comments, I hadn't read them before and they're so good.
@@NickNightfall1711 He was the twentieth centuries Mark Twain at least as far as Maxims..... 🙂
Explains a few things doesn't it. Why you extend beyond your body sometimes. When you sleep at night, does your sense of touch extend out into the room or go beyond.
My senses are very heightened, so I’m usually pretty aware of what’s going on around me (unless I’m in the hyper focus zone, then I’m oblivious) and beyond me as in, I can hear the coyotes across the lake, etc. When I lived with dogs or someone, I’d be aware of their movements. But that’s pretty much it except in dreams.
You should get some more dogs 😊
@@AdamFlanagan-oq6op I’ve thought about it but not quite ready yet. I was just diagnosed last year, so I’m still trying to wrap my mind around that….but maybe a couple of dogs would help? 🤗 🐶
I can imagine you'd get unwanted male attention. Can relate.
I feel so bad so many guys want her
@@teaadvice4996 yeah I'm sure you do
Life is like a box of chocolades, and that is all i gotta say about that😅
@@ypey1 😆 omg I sign off like Forrest Gump 🤦♀️
Yup we’re twins 🥺
@@TequilaStandifer8888 🥺 As someone on the internet once said, the horrors persist but so do we!❤️
@@Sensory0verlordI know they say” if you’ve met one autistic person you’ve met one autistic person “ but in trying to find out what’s “wrong “ with me so many of our stories are exactly alike I just sat here and watched a total stranger tell my life story thank you so much for sharing I know how much it takes to open up you’re an inspiration I have been so afraid of startingUA-cam to share and raise awareness now I know I can share and not feel alone because of you and others who are apart of our community I have never felt so understood or welcome in my whole life THANK YOU for not giving up I’m glad you’re still here 💜
you need a communicative head, only positive energy to speak. you don't like neuroleptic 19 cm fresh medical contract. you don't like neuroleptic 19 cm fresh medical contract you don't like neuroleptic 19 cm fresh medical contract
Blondie in China
May I please ask for some clarification? I’m not located in China, but I’d love to visit! 🙂
Do you use instagram?
I created an IG account for this channel but don’t really use it. I think it has one post 😆
@@Sensory0verlord too bad. You are so pretty, would like to see you more often in my time with this life thru the screen 🥺
I've got no no friends anymore. I'm my best friend let's hook up and watch a movie sometime
Life without drugs is so hard. It’s painful… like seriously painful to exist or think. Thank God for meds and caffeine and drugs but I wish it weren’t this way
Amen to that c,:
❤