Professor you are spot on. My narcissist ex regressed when it was time to make important decisions and it felt like silent sabotage. I went through several cycles of this until it led to violence against me. It took me 19 years to walk away from the cyclical madness and high stress marriage to a narcissist.
In the morning, I'd get up and make coffee while he was still in bed. He'd shout out for me to come put his pants on. When I asked why, he said he was an infant. Be my mommy. This was a man who designs microchips. It was SO weird. I should have run the first time he asked. 😂😂😂
@Prof.SamVaknin you are a necessary teacher for these modern days. I am a late diagnosed autistic woman. My own journey to healing came from the exhaustion of continually finding myself in these entanglements; and me the common denominator. I had so many borderline and narcissistic defences, and I had no idea how unhealthy my ways of communicating was in intimate partnerships. The more I dove in, the more I saw that before I could point fingers at partners accurately, I would have to undo a lot of my own bullshit. This what you are describing in this video, is what I have been living for the past several years. It's been arduous work to get out of this shared psychosis. I feel like I have been truly fighting for my life. Something you said the other day about being scent of the onion, hahaha, that feels close to some of the moments I have experienced. Yes, you help those in abusive partnerships, I being one of those people. Yet, your work is so limited in this context. We all, at least here in the west, have all become increasingly narcissistic. It would behoove us all to start with our own traits; to own our own grandiosity, our own alloplastic defences. Your work should be as necessary as sex education being taught from pre-teen onward. I loved the talk you gave at the Turnu Severin International Conference on Psychology was incredible. Thank you
We must protect the inner child that went through more than we deserved. Once we become of age we are now responsible for our healing those hard parts that many enable. We must become accountable for ourselves and not expect for others to do the same. I’m tired of witnessing “grown” people throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. I just go within and honor my own inner child and begin to pray for my continuing healing and peace. I’m a mother so I nurture, I love to cook and feed people as I was once a little girl who at times went without a meal. I guess this part of my inner child doesn’t want to see anyone hungry who’s in my presence. This is just a hamster wheel, some will say it this way and others will say it that way. When you know you’ve grown up is when you’re able to see it in all ways. Thank you for this. ❤
Thank you for all this time... great as usual!! The narcissist wants the "Fantastic" Mother i don't know if that exists but that's how i understood it, and it's a heavy load on the partner's mind, it is really hard to support,hence mental illness and disorders...
I actually don't mind getting parentified. However now that I understand what was going on, I would have preferred to go into it with a large, sturdy cane.
He will never grow up. Neither did my Father. Thank You for confirming why I gave up on my 17 year marriage and I never forgave my Father for the hurtful things he did to my Mother for decades.
I got it, but what if the narcissist does not have a primary source of supply, either an intimate partner nor a close relative, zero willing victims? Who will this person try to parentify instead? Where does the shared fantasy go?
Dr Vaknin, the sharing of your knowledge is what I am so grateful for, thank you very much for giving us the helping hand to being able to take action for oneself - your words are encouraging because they make a lot of sense 🙏🌻🍄 vielen Dank dafür ☂️
Boker tov! I’d like your help. I’m in a trauma bond with a narcissist and after watching a lot of your vast library, I’m not sure which personality disorder I have. I don’t glorify things like being an empath. I’m an activist but I stay in background. I had a controlling abusive neglectful and over protective mother. I identify more with neglecting myself. Can supply be “helping people”? Only in therapy, I realized I have people pleasing and confuse no boundaries for intimacy. I don’t quite fit into any category I’ve heard you describe and I have changed profoundly in this relationship; isolation, shame, reactive etc. I have realized things about myself only over time and then I feel awful and I rush to integrate it to alleviate the guilt. So I try to be honest because I want healing but I don’t trust myself completely and I’m not sure if I’m a narcissist and that my self reporting is accurate. I definitely have a strong sense of justice. But I don’t initiate conflict and try to compromise. I definitely sense arrested development and have strong defenses. I’m chronically late but I don’t think it’s ok and have worked on it a lot for years. I’d really appreciate your help! You’re the only one I found, after years of looking, who connects everything in a way that makes sense. I want to know the truth about myself and try to improve. Toda raba!
Formidable body of work Dr Vaknin. Salutations in spirit if the ultimately unknowable but intelligent conscious universe could create good, it seems to also like to create it's opposite too.Yin and Yang. I hold no wish for retribution for my ancient problematic relationship,it taught me a lot. Took me into psychosis at one point with the malignant stalking and I was terrified of him at one point, I was too honest to deal with manipulations and malevolence like he showed me as I unwittingly created narcissistic wounding over and over but never,NEVER understood what I was doing. I was trying to integrate reality and show him what he was doing was wrong,of course I was attacking his only defence mechanism he'd had from childhood. I hope he gets as much love as possible for the wounding he must have suffered at his core ,surely had to have been vicious to make him victimise the mother of his son like that. That's speaking from reality though,narcissistic personality disordered people come at you from psychosis. It's given me a wealth of education and compassion for both of us really.I would never have deliberately caused such mental and emotional trauma as I'm very very intense and fairness is a virtue I hold dearly like kindness. Thank god there's no hate in me,I can sympathise from a distance at the attachment trauma/childhood trauma where the root that continues to cause him anxiety,panic attacks,painful back pains with stress and cyclical depression anxiety and anger. I was emotionally switched off during much of our relationship as that's what happens when I am threatened with abandonment over and over again. Ultimately it lead to me holding the door open for him.
Could you talk about children who were adopted and told at a very early age their real parents didn't want them and if they are affected any differently ?
It's wild looking back at the relationship with my last narc. She would act like a child sometimes when we were either about to get intimate or when her temper would flare up. Post discard although she was verbally and psychologically abusive, I somehow still felt responsible for her.
Why did my bpd ex started venting and saying she would have ended up hating me the last time I saw her? I just could not take it anymore and I left that day. I needed peace and she said she liked to fight, but nonsense drama not even constructive discussion. I guess I was already devaluated and she needed ti push me away. I'm still ruminating at times If I maybe should have just vented at her too but I feel like I made the right thing to just leave even If I suppressed some of the thinge I wanted to say to her. I just felt like communicating was impossible even if she blamed it on me. Lot of cognitive dissonance even two months in no contact.
The (my) sister is a Narcissist just like the father. She is raising 2 girls. The oldest has Autism 13yrs I know how the father treated me at that time but the sister “seems” different with hers. Q. Will she turn on her children at some point? What does it look like when she does? When does it start? What is the trigger? Is it possible that she won’t? I know you say Narcissist can’t really love their kids but so far she seems to be very protective of the older one. She seems to love her?
I am Sam ...... It just occured to me... It's a compliment.. Thank you You have ushered me to the light in this wonderful but dangerous love affair... And I can see it so clearly, questions that I could not answer, with the way you use metaphor. So easy .. with the Vadkin it's like your cluster Bs are Dr Seussian Saved my ass really Bytheway... I also have been thinking for some years about this fluidity through the advancements of this stubborn pathos I feel a bit smarter now too Lol
Professor Vaknin please forgive me for spelling your name incorrectly. Now that I read my comment again I can see that it wasn't quite clear either. It is a good feeling when someone else, (especially you ) says that these cluster Bs are fluid .... The root of the problem being somewhere in the same developmental stage? (I have thought that often too.) We often feel like I'm turning into him and he into me... and back and forth ; as you have mentioned, it goes with the borderline and the narcissist. In fact so many of the things that we have tried to explain to each other have been thoroughly explained by you. Of course even using some of the same terminology which you've also noted is common amongst us . Sam, ( Vaknin) I am Grateful for the way you explain things and for your ability to get through to ME. . So funny, so kind, so nonjudgmental and to the point !thank you so much for that.
Thanks for this compilation, professor! I have a question: why does the narcissist need to regress you to infancy for the shared fantasy? Wouldn’t it be enough to just trigger the mother-instinct? A mother never leaves her child. Or is it because a mother WOULD leave a child when her life is in danger? I remember my 5 months relationship with a narcissist I protected him all the time and I had the feeling I am the strong person in our relationship, cause he is so emotionally damaged. When he started being very ugly and aggressive after 5 months I left him to protect myself. I could not tell if I was a parentified child in this relationship or if I only had a mother-instinct for him which I lost when he became dangerous for me 😅
Professor Sam, do you know about the enneagram personality types? I realized my mom was a narcissist along time ago and now I see she also fits the description of an unhealthy enneagram type 4. I see a connection there. Hope to get your thoughts but I know your busy so either way sending you my love and appreciation for your work.
What a frightening opening photo!! I was almost too scared to watch.😮
I thought it was hilarious!
It’s the lipstick! 😂 it’s a bridge too far..
It reminds me my ex, it is as I was looking at his inner picture.
Exactly why the relationship felt so familiar and mistakenly safe… I was a parentified child in my family of origin…makes so much sense.
Not mind boggling at all . When you have lived and survived it , the description of events make sense 💯
Professor you are spot on. My narcissist ex regressed when it was time to make important decisions and it felt like silent sabotage. I went through several cycles of this until it led to violence against me. It took me 19 years to walk away from the cyclical madness and high stress marriage to a narcissist.
19 years here, too, and the silent sabotage term is so well stated. I see you.
In the morning, I'd get up and make coffee while he was still in bed. He'd shout out for me to come put his pants on. When I asked why, he said he was an infant. Be my mommy. This was a man who designs microchips. It was SO weird. I should have run the first time he asked. 😂😂😂
When our 8 year old acted years more mature I clearly saw that I had a problem.
Wow...just wow. 😯
Lol I love your work , Prof!
Thanks for the laugh with this scary baby as the narcs inner child! Lol!
Makes me conceptualize this more clearly!
@Prof.SamVaknin you are a necessary teacher for these modern days. I am a late diagnosed autistic woman. My own journey to healing came from the exhaustion of continually finding myself in these entanglements; and me the common denominator. I had so many borderline and narcissistic defences, and I had no idea how unhealthy my ways of communicating was in intimate partnerships. The more I dove in, the more I saw that before I could point fingers at partners accurately, I would have to undo a lot of my own bullshit.
This what you are describing in this video, is what I have been living for the past several years. It's been arduous work to get out of this shared psychosis. I feel like I have been truly fighting for my life. Something you said the other day about being scent of the onion, hahaha, that feels close to some of the moments I have experienced. Yes, you help those in abusive partnerships, I being one of those people. Yet, your work is so limited in this context. We all, at least here in the west, have all become increasingly narcissistic. It would behoove us all to start with our own traits; to own our own grandiosity, our own alloplastic defences. Your work should be as necessary as sex education being taught from pre-teen onward. I loved the talk you gave at the Turnu Severin International Conference on Psychology was incredible.
Thank you
We must protect the inner child that went through more than we deserved. Once we become of age we are now responsible for our healing those hard parts that many enable. We must become accountable for ourselves and not expect for others to do the same. I’m tired of witnessing “grown” people throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. I just go within and honor my own inner child and begin to pray for my continuing healing and peace. I’m a mother so I nurture, I love to cook and feed people as I was once a little girl who at times went without a meal. I guess this part of my inner child doesn’t want to see anyone hungry who’s in my presence. This is just a hamster wheel, some will say it this way and others will say it that way. When you know you’ve grown up is when you’re able to see it in all ways. Thank you for this. ❤
Thank you for all this time... great as usual!! The narcissist wants the "Fantastic" Mother i don't know if that exists but that's how i understood it, and it's a heavy load on the partner's mind, it is really hard to support,hence mental illness and disorders...
I think it's important to learn how to spot when the narcissist opens the gate to his fantasy world... and say NO.
Bait or Soulmate? Soulbait.
I like this.
How to get over with this feeling of love, unworthiness, low self esteem. And the pain of abandonment.
Watch the Life's Wisdom and the NA Healing playlists.
I actually don't mind getting parentified. However now that I understand what was going on, I would have preferred to go into it with a large, sturdy cane.
😂😂
😢😮😂😂
Exactly, because a good mother has to put the smack down every now and then.
You literally just cheered me up after another verbal showdown thank you ❤
This photograph explains the reality, thanks Sam❤
He will never grow up. Neither did my Father. Thank You for confirming why I gave up on my 17 year marriage and I never forgave my Father for the hurtful things he did to my Mother for decades.
When can we espect " cold therapy" treatment to be available ?
Iooking foreward to it !
Very insightful as usually!
Wow , Thank you so much Professor, I appreciate your video , thank you !
Professor Vaknin, love your work!
Wow… very timely upload
Thank you for the lecture, professor! Now my husband also watches your videos and he likes your collection of watches!
I got it, but what if the narcissist does not have a primary source of supply, either an intimate partner nor a close relative, zero willing victims? Who will this person try to parentify instead? Where does the shared fantasy go?
Intimate partners are sources of secondary supply, not primary. Search the channel for “self supply”.
Professor Vaknin, When will u come to the USA and have a conference. TYou
I am unlikely to ever travel that far again.
BRILLIANT♥
Dr Vaknin, the sharing of your knowledge is what I am so grateful for, thank you very much for giving us the helping hand to being able to take action for oneself - your words are encouraging because they make a lot of sense 🙏🌻🍄 vielen Dank dafür ☂️
Boker tov! I’d like your help. I’m in a trauma bond with a narcissist and after watching a lot of your vast library, I’m not sure which personality disorder I have. I don’t glorify things like being an empath. I’m an activist but I stay in background. I had a controlling abusive neglectful and over protective mother. I identify more with neglecting myself. Can supply be “helping people”? Only in therapy, I realized I have people pleasing and confuse no boundaries for intimacy. I don’t quite fit into any category I’ve heard you describe and I have changed profoundly in this relationship; isolation, shame, reactive etc. I have realized things about myself only over time and then I feel awful and I rush to integrate it to alleviate the guilt. So I try to be honest because I want healing but I don’t trust myself completely and I’m not sure if I’m a narcissist and that my self reporting is accurate. I definitely have a strong sense of justice. But I don’t initiate conflict and try to compromise. I definitely sense arrested development and have strong defenses. I’m chronically late but I don’t think it’s ok and have worked on it a lot for years. I’d really appreciate your help! You’re the only one I found, after years of looking, who connects everything in a way that makes sense. I want to know the truth about myself and try to improve. Toda raba!
Formidable body of work Dr Vaknin. Salutations in spirit if the ultimately unknowable but intelligent conscious universe could create good, it seems to also like to create it's opposite too.Yin and Yang. I hold no wish for retribution for my ancient problematic relationship,it taught me a lot. Took me into psychosis at one point with the malignant stalking and I was terrified of him at one point, I was too honest to deal with manipulations and malevolence like he showed me as I unwittingly created narcissistic wounding over and over but never,NEVER understood what I was doing. I was trying to integrate reality and show him what he was doing was wrong,of course I was attacking his only defence mechanism he'd had from childhood. I hope he gets as much love as possible for the wounding he must have suffered at his core ,surely had to have been vicious to make him victimise the mother of his son like that. That's speaking from reality though,narcissistic personality disordered people come at you from psychosis. It's given me a wealth of education and compassion for both of us really.I would never have deliberately caused such mental and emotional trauma as I'm very very intense and fairness is a virtue I hold dearly like kindness. Thank god there's no hate in me,I can sympathise from a distance at the attachment trauma/childhood trauma where the root that continues to cause him anxiety,panic attacks,painful back pains with stress and cyclical depression anxiety and anger. I was emotionally switched off during much of our relationship as that's what happens when I am threatened with abandonment over and over again. Ultimately it lead to me holding the door open for him.
That is one creepy ass thumbnail pic
Lol, well narcissists do seem like they have a demon living inside of them, that could be what Prof. Sam thinks it might look like 😂
Could you talk about children who were adopted and told at a very early age their real parents didn't want them and if they are affected any differently ?
Search the channel.
It's wild looking back at the relationship with my last narc. She would act like a child sometimes when we were either about to get intimate or when her temper would flare up. Post discard although she was verbally and psychologically abusive, I somehow still felt responsible for her.
Why did my bpd ex started venting and saying she would have ended up hating me the last time I saw her? I just could not take it anymore and I left that day. I needed peace and she said she liked to fight, but nonsense drama not even constructive discussion. I guess I was already devaluated and she needed ti push me away. I'm still ruminating at times If I maybe should have just vented at her too but I feel like I made the right thing to just leave even If I suppressed some of the thinge I wanted to say to her. I just felt like communicating was impossible even if she blamed it on me. Lot of cognitive dissonance even two months in no contact.
What way you generated this image?
The (my) sister is a Narcissist just like the father. She is raising 2 girls. The oldest has Autism 13yrs
I know how the father treated me at that time but the sister “seems” different with hers.
Q. Will she turn on her children at some point? What does it look like when she does? When does it start? What is the trigger?
Is it possible that she won’t?
I know you say Narcissist can’t really love their kids but so far she seems to be very protective of the older one. She seems to love her?
I am Sam ......
It just occured to me...
It's a compliment..
Thank you
You have ushered me to the light in this wonderful but dangerous love affair...
And I can see it so clearly, questions that I could not answer, with the way you use metaphor.
So easy .. with the Vadkin it's like your cluster Bs are Dr Seussian
Saved my ass really
Bytheway...
I also have been thinking for some years about this fluidity through the advancements of this stubborn pathos
I feel a bit smarter now too
Lol
Vaknin.
Professor Vaknin please forgive me for spelling your name incorrectly.
Now that I read my comment again I can see that it wasn't quite clear either.
It is a good feeling when someone else, (especially you ) says that these cluster Bs are fluid .... The root of the problem being somewhere in the same developmental stage? (I have thought that often too.)
We often feel like I'm turning into him and he into me... and back and forth ; as you have mentioned, it goes with the borderline and the narcissist.
In fact so many of the things that we have tried to explain to each other have been thoroughly explained by you. Of course even using some of the same terminology which you've also noted is common amongst us .
Sam, ( Vaknin)
I am
Grateful for the way you explain things and for your ability to get through to ME. . So funny, so kind, so nonjudgmental and to the point !thank you so much for that.
How does the narcissist hypnotise the victime to regress to a child/infant?
Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
Thanks for this compilation, professor! I have a question: why does the narcissist need to regress you to infancy for the shared fantasy? Wouldn’t it be enough to just trigger the mother-instinct? A mother never leaves her child. Or is it because a mother WOULD leave a child when her life is in danger? I remember my 5 months relationship with a narcissist I protected him all the time and I had the feeling I am the strong person in our relationship, cause he is so emotionally damaged. When he started being very ugly and aggressive after 5 months I left him to protect myself. I could not tell if I was a parentified child in this relationship or if I only had a mother-instinct for him which I lost when he became dangerous for me 😅
Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
Professor Sam, do you know about the enneagram personality types? I realized my mom was a narcissist along time ago and now I see she also fits the description of an unhealthy enneagram type 4. I see a connection there. Hope to get your thoughts but I know your busy so either way sending you my love and appreciation for your work.
Wow that thumbnail is.. unique 😅
בוקר טוב 😊
Thumbnail gave me the chills.