I met my husband online ten years ago and thought we were lucky to have met each other. When I told my sister about him, I described him as " too good to be true," which should have been a massive red flag! Mind you; there were more red flags along the way. In my defense, he's a professional manipulator! Plus, I thought I finally found the love of my life. We've been married for almost eight years, and only five years, we lived in a peaceful fantasy before the mask started falling off. Although I was not ready for a child, he tried to force me into having one sooner. It was a strange feeling as if he had no understanding or respect for my decision, so I waited until I was mentally ready to take on motherhood, and now we have a wonderful son. I'm his third wife-another red flag. I am currently living a NIGHTMARE! The smear campaign has started, and recently he confessed to a grave false accusation against me. Why? Because I have the nerves to tell him what I will not tolerate anymore. I've never in my life experienced this level of entitlement, disregard, lack of empathy, sympathy, disrespect, and lack of accountability. The "victim" playing mentality drives me up the wall! At one point, I questioned my reality and even my sanity. I went through horrible depression for weeks. Recently, I discovered I had a panic attack. When the depression was over, something clicked, and I woke up, literally. I knew every move before he made them. His words did not mean a thing, so watching his actions was very telling. How does someone who claims to love and care for you sincerely treat you as an irreplaceable object, then expect you to cherish the air they breathe? They are mentally unstable individuals who only create drama and leave you with additional trauma. I'm trying to understand what made me fall for all his lies and love-bombing behavior in the beginning...we as victims, also need to take accountability for our actions. Seek therapy and dive into your childhood; try to unpack/understand yourself better so you'll never fall prey to selfish demons. Please don't be angry or hate your abuser; it won't solve anything. Sending peace and love your way ❤
Wow, you are amazing, not alot of people can take accountability for their actions, which does not mean that you wete not abused, but you aknowledge your part in it, kudos to you🫶🧚♀️💞⚜️
Go you ! You were able to grieve and then look objectively at the empty shell - amazing courage and fortitude…the narcs like that about us…we have so many gifts they covet. Shield your son - he potentially may be at future risk of NPD, modeling what he sees…the abnormal relating to the world/reality! Best of luck, everyone here can shuck the zombie narcissus.
I remember you being the first online. I found your site out of desperation to understand my husband. Got your book, divorced, became a psychologist, help others with your work. Thanks for everything. Glad your work is continuing!!!!
I am most intrigued by the teaching in Vaknin’s other video where he says “narcissism is contagious”. I suffered so much with codependency at the beginning of my 6 year relationship, then believing there would be change, feeling some improvement which only created a loop of high-highs and low-lows… I definitely resonate with feeling like I would numb out to my partner, treating him with less and less empathy, because I was angry and felt controlled while unseen and unheard. The boiling points would motivate me to leave the relationship, but the “toxic tennis” as I like to call the emails, texts, chats, all the usual communication that occurred to get me back, would be my “opportunity” to be as dispassionate and ruthless with his crocodile tears as I felt he treated me. Eventually, not being a narcissist, the anger would subside and I would consider he’d suffered enough and prayed he finally “heard me”. Ugh. There are levels to all of this and after years in the loop, I felt narcissistic, sadistic, dark… I did not like myself, I did not like the defensive courtroom language I had to adopt in that environment. There was NO growth, use of true intelligence though he thought he was the most intelligent man in our city. I am single and severing that attachment with everything I can so that I never repeat this lesson again.
Well said you mirrored my story exactly. I became someone I wasn't and hated the person I became. Angry, Hypervigilant, Suspicious, joyless and judgemental. All the things I was trying to get him into therapy for. Felt like fighting fire with fire but in actuality I was just being stripped of my goodness and pulled down to his level. The only way to cope with that kind of cruelty and accept being in the relationship was to normalise it, minimise it and eventually become it.....that's when it's time to get out. I've been hiding away from everyone on my own for 10 months now and licking my wounds. Will take a long time to get better but at least life will be on my terms again. Here's to lessons learned and never repeated xx
Wow. This is what I became, and this is why I am one week out of such dysfunction. I was mirroring him, so I smashed that mirror, and I’m refusing his potential offer of a new one. I. Am. Finished.
@@moragjeffery957 There is a Proverb in the Bible that I wish I had heeded: 22:24-25 "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul."
Fascinating - as I lived it. So glad to be done with the crazy! The first rage moment - I had no idea what was happening!!!!!! Then no sex, then resentment, then rage out of nowhere over dinner choices........OMG! Never any happiness EVER. I have learned so much. Pathetic, Cowardly, Sad and Hollow. The reading of emotional cues - so on point. I questioned in my head - that reaction didn't make sense at all! Sam V - why didn't I find you sooner! LOL I am healing and on a much greater path. Peace, L
Still in it...almost 5 years. Making my escape plan. It has mentally damaged me worse than any other relationship I’ve been in and my 2nd marriage was horrifically abusive. This is worse. I need a new brain.🤯😖
''...then rage out of nowhere over dinner choices'' cried when you said this. happened to me too and I didn't get it at first and so I often freeze in disbelief.
Ugh... my marriage. But, unless I went through this, I wouldn't have understood... No possible warning I would have heeded. Thank you Sam. Thank you. I am divorced and out from his nightmare. I think of all of your videos and explanations, THIS one is IT for me. Superb
@@lexiemaep7930 Not wasted. It was hopefully the the exact time you needed to find yourself. From now on you set healthy bounderies and only invite people in your life who truly worth it.
I only saw his 'lost child' and as long as he kept up his therapy I felt there was hope, so i stayed. I hated being made into his mother and taking the rage he had for her. I knew it was about HER past behaviour but I couldn't leave him, he 'needed' me. Near the end of our marriage I managed to persuade him to let me go on a retreat and I got strong again, became my old self and the 'mother left me'. When we met at the airport i saw him look at me, as if he were saying 'oh no'. 48 hours later he revealed something so shocking so sadistic so absolutely not who i thought he was that it was either going to drive me over the edge if i stayed or it would get rid of me. Once I was able to see that the sadist had been operating for years, humiliating and endangering our whole family - I was chilled by it - it was like seeing a sweet boy turn into a laughing spectre - i woke up and I knew that night I could now leave and he wouldn't be able to stop me. Waking up to what was behind the 'lost boy' gave me my freedom back after 2 decades. I know that this whole way of being he could not help, i no longer blame him. Knowing that he cannot see this behaviour and forgiving him has helped me co-parent with him. I have seen him do this making women his mother over and over again and he has no one in his life except our son, all ruined by his fear. My life got instantly better. Yes I had to have years of cptsd therapy and alot else to recover but it was easy compared to living with his pain. I left with my pain and left his pain with him, so my burden was halved and easy to deal with as I can change me (no one else). His pain was doubled as i carried his pain before and was abused for doing so. 'His life my death' was the theme of our relationship, it ended up killing my ego, and then i could leave. I still can't quite get over how i kept trying to make him happy for 20 years. But I L o v e my life now and being me again is like being re-united with my best friend again. Every day is a gift now. He cannot get bette because he doesn’t know there is anything in him that needs changing it’s everyone else, I can accept that and accept him as he is and pray he knows peace and true Love one day.
I’m wondering about the co parenting; my co parenting is a worse drama than my marriage of 17 years. My ex has brainwashed our once optimistic, happy and joyful daughter who now looks like an anxiety filled, nervous, traumatized shell of her former self.
Wow! I have been studying narcissist for seven years now after a therapist told me I was married to one for 32 years, he told me I have two choices learn to live it and he gave me a book to help me or to leave, I am so glad I chose to leave! I wasted half of my life with that monster, he was controlling abusive mental and physical all the put downs, gas lighting, manipulation, he drove me to do things out of my character! I am happily married to a wonderful man now it is Like waking up from a nightmare! The narc still stalks me, smear champagnes , he has turned all my children against me it has been hell!!! I live in peace now, it is a tough price to pay but I know I would literally be dead right now if I would have stayed with him! He will never be able to control me again! Thank you for all this wonderful insight, it is like you were explaining my Ex completely Spot on!
Yep!! Married the same time! Jist left! Took 3 years, thru breast cancer alone AND the pandemic lockdown!! Ughhh left everything!! BUT!? I'm rich! I HAVE MY LIFE & SANITY! Everything else is just material things we think we need for survival !! Nope!! I'd rather die happy... just making it then die materially comfortable yet sick, alone, empty & wacked out!! PEACE!! Is life's beauty!! Good luck to allll
I cried through this whole video. It sadly described the last 5 years of my life. I feel so confused, lost, robbed, cheated, and mostly abused. What gives them the right to think they are godly like? I once loved my narcissistic person so much that I gave him everything, literally, including my mind and soul. But as I watch this I feel hate towards him now.
You can't give someone your "mind" unless you're a brilliant creator with some intellectual property or product to be patented. In all seriousness, what does a woman talk to a man about exactly to make it "gave him my mind"? Romanticizing the whole "I gave you my entire self" is only an indication of you being so broken prior to meeting him that you willingly merged with someone who seemed interested in you but had not lived your life story next to you yet you imagined that they did.
Just forgive him. I say that for you. Hatred hurts us. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die. Forgiveness frees you. It lets you live with a peaceful heart. He would like that you hate him because he is still controlling your state of mind. But when you forgive him it’s the highest state of being free and in control. Do it for you.
Such a relief to hear you say "no one goes into a relationship wanting to hurt and eventually abandon the person who you fell in love with" I had battled with this and this refusal to abandon the narcissist kept me trapped mentally. Now with a little understanding I can set myself free. Thank you Sam.
Narcissists hate the truth. Truth is the enemy. Narcissists use deceit and intimidation in order to affect and control others who they see as useful sources. However, the truth can set you free.
OH GOD! I have watched so many videos of Prof Vaknin! This is THE VIDEO that finally HIT ME! Why Is the best is to leave Narcissist. No matter what you do you can’t not win and fix the inner world of Narcissistic. I understand now “ this dance makabre and horror movie and Prof Vaknin always said RUN! It is no Point and no Point to stick with Narcissist ! It is so SAD and Helpless because the intimate partner has no chance to fix Anything and has no power!
Many give up the challenge knowing narcissists never change and can get worse. Narcissists use others as sources. Others must play roles. Narcissists cannot truly love anyone except themselves. Narcissists can get easily bored. They use people as toys. Some narcissists are cheaters. However, some people need to feel controlled so they will do well with narcissists. There are all kinds of people.
My god this is just brilliant!! If I were to tell this to anyone …parenting, shared fantasy,bargaining, discard etc nobody would believe me but every word said in this video is absolutely true …I have lived it …it’s just so difficult to make people understand what and why these evil people do what they do …..I have to take custody of my child from my evil wife who uses my child to punish me but I don’t think a judge believe all that
Once we’re aware, it’s unbelievable how red the flags are. How clearly they tell on themselves (projection) but we’re too busy trying to keep our feet on the ground to see it. Ex’s only nickname for me was Mom, we don’t have kids together and he’s 15 years older than me, so it felt weird and I asked him not to call me that. You all already know he only called me Mom from that moment on.
I started noticing that when my husband would text my son, his step son, he would refer to me as mom and not “your mom”, as if I was my husband’s mom as well.
Narcissists do not care if their supply comes negatively, so long as it comes. They would rather have a rage fight with you than have no attention at all.
That explains so much….a narcissist tries to make you into his mother, and he expects you heal his hanging issues from her. Shewww…..no wonder he’s an anguished soul….opening up old wounds: Take care of me, now get away so I can defy & do whatever I want. Your overall discussion has been extremely enlightening. Thank You.
Sam, you are so right. No matter how successful they are, the narcissists will be self-destructed. The narcissist I knew who was a business owner and made more than 200k/year just went to prison.
I’m stunned how Sam Vaknin has described perfectly my husband and marriage. We’re in the bargaining stage at present. I knew intuitively that his recent crazy behaviors were being done intentionally to push me away and now he says how much he wants to be alone and loves his solitude. The only difference is that I never cheated on him, but I sure as hell wanted to.
You are very fortunate to come across this video in the midst of the bargaining stage. Wish I would have had it at that time! But still, it has helped me understand more so I can get some peace of mind, after the fact. : )
Thank you for this superb video! So thorough and rich in content. If the narcissist is involved with a strong minded individual, I think the bargaining phase might be replaced with the strong minded person's statement of boundaries, or the calling of the narcissist to account for bad behavior, which according to many accounts (including my own), causes many narcissists to almost immediately and unfeelingly terminate the relationship with no discussion or explanation.
Yes i concue to your statement cos in my own case i lashed on my narc so hard to her who she is and how disguisting she is and exposed on social so hard that she has to go off all her social media app and she quickly disengage with me cos i unmasked her and agryly attacked her and discard her.😅😅
I have been with my husband I never knew why he treated me so badly until I watched your videos thank you for opening my eyes to what is really going on
That's how I got some knowledge on this...I still remember years ago I typed on google " why does my husband seem to hate me" , a window literally and figuratively lol...the doors were closed, I closed myself in, but God showed me a window 🙏 I know this sounds so dramatic lol but you never feel right after you find this...so much to get clean inside.. shame, compassion, accountability, wow...but it helped all of my relationships ,not just that one, and I feel more confident to be open and sociable when the the occasion comes,I learned to filter and learned what boundaries are🙏 I'm not doing ok after ,I'm a different person and now need to learn to live with all of those parts of me, learning and unlearning behaviors and coping skills , I 'm more at peace with myself, but I'm still tired and sad most of the time.
The parenting procedure didn’t feel that weird to me. What’s most strange and sad is that it doesn’t work anyway for him. It never works and he will have to rid himself of the same partner that he tried so hard to attain. Always failure. Always destroys the situation even if he got his partner to agree. That’s crazy. He CANNOT allow success in his relationships. That is not what they are for. His relationships are only for continuous self torture, self loathing and to reenact his unfortunate childhood. And unfortunately, you, as an appliance, are along for the ride.
"Causing pain to another person implies that he has the power to cause pain to another person". Thats right. Its all about power so the can believe the image they use to idealize themselves
This is so incredibly accurate of explaining what happened in the relationship I had. Only I never cheated on him... but I definitely admit deceiving him by pretending I still respected and believed him during the final phase. This video my favourite so far. TY 🙏
I have gone as far as divorcing my narc only to back to dating him . It’s draining, I was doing my best for 5 months to stay NC and then I ran into him and I opened the door. I felt bad for him, he told me he was losing his mind without me and he needed me back. For the first time I heard him say he was sorry for abusing me and the loss of his family because of his ways. He said he never meant to hurt us. What an act… he deserves an Oscar. Why do I go back? Why do I feel like the narcissist? I have lost my mind and have thrown childlike tantrums, I’ve said so many mean things, and it’s not who I am. He enrages me. I lose my temper and then I look like the crazy one. Is it ok to just walk away even if he hasn’t done “anything”? I want to be out and done but the fear of what Hes so needy and he drains all the energy I have. I am so scared of being the one to abandon him. I don’t know if I can handle being discarded but I’m also afraid to be the one who discards. I need a plan to finally end it. Please help me make an exit plan.
I planned to leave mine because I felt he just didn't care about our relationship (at that point I was not thinking he had NPD) then about 10 days after I made this decision, he beat me to it and discarded me because I didn't call him for 4 days (meanwhile he made no attempt to contact me). It hurt quite a bit but I was fairly prepared for it. Then I came across this channel and have been listening ever since to help me get through it all. Stay strong love ❤ we have so much love to give and need to give it to people who will reciprocate
This is the ONE video that truly laid it out. I'm getting closer to grasp these characters and Could finally contrast and compare the different ones by their behaviours, the psychopath without the false self, who doesn't need friends, his grandiosity, who thrives on sadism even at the cost of losing supply. Then the narcissist with the false self who needs people, thrives on narc supply, but here and there when his ego has taken a blow tries to take a sly drink of sadistic supply for an extra boost. Then the borderline narcissist with extreme ups and downs, emotional disregulation, her false self (an extra hollow self) drawing on sadistic AND narcissistic supply with periods of calm and satiation. Then there's THAT one narcissist, the one whose phases we witnessed exactly how you laid it out... from beginning to end. It's like you took a Jackson POLLOCK PAINTING and made sense out of it, separated all the colors and put it back in their containers with explanation and a paint by numbers chart.
You have given me peace that I am not crazy, he is gone, just yesterday, I had to listen to you to grasp my part, and his behavior towards me is explained. I love that you are a narcissist would never know, thanks for helping us little people the destroyed supply.
Congrats to you, mine has been gone since earlier this year for good! You are correct about feeling crazy and messing with your mind, the best to you and I'm still trying to heal.
I wish the court of law would take time to hear this and understand the subliminal damage and abuse my husband is causing me and our daughter for the last two years during our divorce. And would rule with justice.
We all need licenses. License to be a tour guide, license for being an estate agent, license to drive etc... so I think we should all also do a course to raise children and get a license for having kids... the most important thing we do in the world and we don’t need a license for that.
Omg im so shook. My ex would project his mother's hate onto me and would hold me accountable to him as a parent. He grew up without a father and looked to his business partner who is only 10 years older than him as his father. One day we were at his business partners house and he told him you're like a father to me and his business partner got so uncomfortable. Wow professor!!! You are spot on
My heart goes out to all the ppl that have had to deal narcs, and have actually been married to them🤦. I guess I'm lucky in a way, I've had 2 narcs in my life that just that kept coming in for short periods of time, obliterating my life, and leaving, never committing. ( Thank god). I've never been married because of that, coz I simply don't trust any man.., my heart is paralysed ..I've since stopped the cycle, after discovering recently that one of them has antisocial personality disorder.. I'm currently healing from that trauma, and I'm never going back to that soul shattering nightmare ever again. I truely wish everyone that's been through this devastation in their lives nothing but peace, love and complete healing ❤
Hysterical ~ both meanings- awesome to hear the story and realize that so many people who are NPD- do the same old shit. I have seen it in so many of my relatives (both parents) relationships (several) it’s been a huge waste of my amazing love and light. Moving on to my true being without the abuse, especially that with which I was taught to abandon my self. Onward and upward! I never cheated- I have a great sense of personal dignity, honesty and purity. Thanks Sam!
Always come back to catch up with new facits of narcissism with Sam! You are so appreciated, Sam! After divorcing my husband of 32 years of hell, 22 years ago, now I've realized my spiritual authority and boss of my part time work as children's pastor has been horribly narcissisticaly abusive and destructive of children's ministry. Am having to write the backstory of why this ministry can't sustain itself. He couldn't tolerate my many years of successful ministry in the past. Nor could he tolerate my confrontation of his public slander of me nicely requiring him to never do it again. So he replaced me with someone with absolutely NO ability to run the ministry. It took only 2 weeks for grandparents to scream about nothing happening in children's ministry, several asking me to return. He's now advertising for a children's minister as if I have retired. I have 30 years of building children's ministry and thereby growing the church in general.. Parents of our children and other parishioner want me to stay. Some families have now left the church. Astonishing that he is willing to destroy this ministry in order to resolve his desperate need to show he's above my capabities by replacing me. By leveling expertise on staff to make sure his position and authority are not compromised he has shown astonishing behavior behind the scenes. Another staff member called him out in staff meeting saying this minister attacked this staff member like Dracula attacking his carotid artery with intent to kill. The minister said nothing nor did he show he heard the accusation. Because I lived with this personality, I see every tiny strategic move to discard me. I'm having to write a report to several leaders about what is happening to continue to destroy this vital ministry.
Thank you Dr Vaknin for this amazing video. I'm in court in 7 weeks with my NPD husband, for a 2 day property settlement trial. It's as though you had just described the last 16 years of my life to a tee. The part about the Narcissist destroying and rebuilding his life several times over, is him. I'm his third wife. I couldn't prevent him destroying our amazing life. No amount of bargaining would work. He just did the opposite to provoke the discard. Your videos gave me the courage to fight the mental torment he has tried to invoke to stop court proceedings, over the last 3 years. Thank you again for sharing your insight and knowledge into NPD abuse. I hear your voice loud and clear. It's brilliant. Wish me luck!
Your channel is profoundly better than the rest. I lived in fear as a child. Since my narc dad almost succeeded in strangling my mom I always was concerned she would still be breathing when I got home from school.
It’s interesting about the Mother thing. My Ex husband wanted me to dress & cook like his Mum. He put her on a pedal stall and she did with him. She treated him like her husband & wanted to hold hands & cuddle on the couch. I can see now that his Mother was the reason he is a Narcissist.
All I can say it is very complex, I am glad I'm out of it. I divorced my covert narcissist husband 2 months ago. I loved him but my mind could not comprehend this craziness. I'm 50 years old and I hope I find a normal man one day.
Hello yes it was a roller coaster ride knowing my ex for 47 years married him in 1974 at 16 years old, we divorced 1986 7 months before our 13 year anniversary. We been in and out of trying. I never knew about narcissism until recently I mean the extent of their mindset. He always acted like a child. I got to tell him what to do and proper way of thinking I been used, abused, abandoned, maligned cheated betrayal my heart bleeds that his abuser caused this on him and his mind was affected. But I can't and won't cause him anymore pain as he done me. I wish him well and I pray he find peace within.
I lived this nightmare! I had to build up the courage to develop an exit strategy. For me I had to stop the bargaining because it was futile. All I can say is that the truth is painful and no one wants to believe it could possibly be you. But it happens everyday to a lot of people. Be courageous! Professor Vaknin gives us his impetus and he is right! Professor Sam Vaknin is courageous himself and deserves praise for telling the viewers everything they don’t want to hear. Everyday he gets lacerated with emails but that doesn’t stop the incalculable Professor Vaknin!
Yes, the truth is very painful and no one believes you. All of a sudden you stay all by yourself and you have to make a choice, either you escape and survive or you die.
I knew that narcissists need attention and don’t like to be ignored. I didn’t know that the reason they can’t change is because they’re stupid. But that makes a lot of sense. Their stupidity keeps them from learning and changing.
I guess I haven’t reached that point in the video. Every narc I’ve been with is super smart. They are emotionally stunted though from their upbringing.
They aren't stupid, they are traumatized. They are trying to protect themselves in messed up, very counterproductive ways. They're just applying the techniques that they learned were most effective with his parents on your relationship to see if you will consent to accepting the role of his mother. That doesn't feel like the kind of offer anyone would want to accept. "Seeking romantic partner who wants to be forced into role of mother, discarded."
Really enjoyed this lecture. Offered me so much insight into my own behaviour and others within the toxic family I grew up in and remain trapped in. I was and have been targeted from about the age of ten years old within the family and "stepfamily" as the Scapegoat child. However, the narcissistic (step)parents often would play favourites and at times I was the Golden child and my younger sister was the Scapegoat. My sister and I have very different personalities and thus were affected differently. Whereas, she became very logical, practical, stoic and cold, unfeeling. I am and always have been deeply feeling, emotional and reactive. Very self depreciating, feelings of grief, neglect, abandonment, loss and rage. Now at the age of 50 I recognize that I have adopted many narcissistic behaviors when deeply hurt or triggered by feelings of rejection and being shunned. Reacting with emotional outbursts of anger, hurt, confusion, cognitive dissonance, distrust and suspicion and i become very accusatory thus pushing everyone further away. My sister also is extremely toxic and destroys all her relationships but in a completely different way. With arrogance, aloofness, apathy, an air of superiority and dismissiveness. She wears a rigid social mask not just outside in the workplace or out in the world but constantly even with family at home. Which seems like a fortress she's built around herself in an attempt to protect herself from any more hurt. Whereas I lash out and attack. I come out swinging against enemies real or imagined and with a ferocity quite disproportionate to the slight which could again, be real or imagined. It has caused me severe physical health problems on top of CPTSD and although It has been 40 yrs the relationships within the family dynamic continue and remain extremely toxic. This video sums it up perfectly. Hit the nail right on the head. Thank you for this information and insight, Sir.
Thhaaaat explains it!!! My Ex narcissist always told me he loves me like hes a dam kid loving his mom!!!! Omfg he actually said it. I started noticing by the last few months before i finally left him he ALWAYS had something wrong with him. One ailment after another. I literally said to myself hes got to be making this up for attention because hooow can someone keep having alll these dam problems everyday there was a new body part that was hurting him. It was to get “ mothered “ by me . Omg
The Answers! Thank you so much! I had a deep down feeling and thought, "What, does he want me to cheat?" I never did, I never fell for whatever game this was. To me it felt like a frame to blame supply.
Last 10 mins is poetry …so spot on. You pull together all of the disorienting and seemingly disparate fragments of this distorted experience and then assemble them for us into a full picture with greater clarity. Thank you. Your work is deeply appreciated. 🙏
Dr. Sam I will always remember the insight you brought to my life when I was the most confused about my husband abusive behavior, my confusion, and lack of understanding.. I have been in a marriage for 43 years our of which 20 my husband did not talk to me, ignored me and hi a contempt and anger kept him silenced. Yet, he knew all the time he wanted to hurt me! Thanks to your videos I learn that nothing was normal that his silence is a way o passively punish me! Thank you, I love you for your unselfish sharing of knowledge.
Great description of parentification. Although my ex wasn’t a narcissist, BPD was suggested by therapists. His behavior making me his mother was to a T as you describe. I even told our therapist in couples therapy that it’s like he’s trying to make me his mother and when I do, he rebels against me. It was a very disturbing experience.
My fluid bpd/narcissist would yell at me as if i were a parent. She once yelled at me (herself) after a long barrage “go to your room” and slammed the phone down on me. All Id asked was to be spoken to nicely and without yelling and swearing. Then, like a fool, i tried to pick up the pieces and mollify.
Thank you, Sam Vaknin. This explains exactly what I went through and why my ex spoke to me in a child-like manor. Movies he wanted to watch together became more and more adolescent and he would always exclaim out loud at the end of each night “bedtime!” as if I was his mother putting him to bed. In the morning he was Father/Controller/Dictator and remained as such throughout the day, gave me the silent treatment and did not engage in a friendly manor or respond to texts. I would rarely text him during work hours because I was working myself and knew he was focused as well, but he would always brag that he was ignoring me. At night he flipped a switch and became gentle, sweet, fun, kind, loving, snuggly and childlike. Often times only wanting to hold me with no sex. I was always so confused.
Omg... Such a good clarifying message. Nope I was not willing to be his mama. I played the game as he had it intended, even including the mortification. I never realised he actually detested me while using me with a big grin. Hmmm, a hard pillow to swallow, but I did. No bad or bitter thoughts about him. Better to simply forget totally about him cos he kinda never existed really...what a surprising moment. Thank you Sam. I am happy I did not pass the mommy test in the end.
Thanks for the clear information, very insightful. It is extreme sad for both parties. No one wins really... If you want best for your narcisstic partner, you will suffer tremendously. If you can't anymore you have become a part of their self fulfilling prophesy...
I have been married to a narcissist for 36 years. I was entangled with the ups, downs, ins and outs since I was 17 and in fact married him twice. I am starting to believe his narcissism evolved before my eyes.
I have been "attending" your lectures for a few months now. Very enriching, yes, but an aspect of these I find most satisfying is the sharing of illuminating literary works (e.g., William Blake. It got me to thinking about "The Sick Rose"). You've mentioned how much we can learn about narcissism from literature. I imagine you've caught it in Oscar Wilde's work (De Profundis reads like the anatomy of a narcissist. Wilde presents himself less a victim than a dance partner). A professor who weaves lit with psych is highly satisfying, indeed. Thank you. Keep 'em coming. :)
I have learned so much from you. Thank you. I find myself always feeling bad for the Narcissist. As I hear everything you say,its difficult for me because Im beginning to see all her behavior as unintentional. As hurtful as it is on a regular basis and I understand it will never change, I constantly feel bad for her and look at her as being sick. I sacrifice my own emotional health/ welfare etc. Ive recently learned that your description of sadistic supply,is exactly what Ive been experiencing in return from the narcissist. Ive listened to so many of your videos and I believe wholeheartedly that Im dealing with a woman whos either a psychopath/narcissist or borderline/ narcissist if that would be the correct way of putting it. My story is just absolutely heartbreaking and has been really painful. I hope we can talk soon. Thanks again
After listening to this it's so clear how much my ex told on himself and I didn't know. But thank God I noticed early the patterns emerging and was able to walk away when I realized by the fourth time this is not normal. 7mths but aye I counting my blessing.
I really enjoy listening to you. Your extremely intelligent so smart so knowledgeable. Your really helping me understand what I need to know to continue moving on my journey alone. Thank you. I was with a narcissist for 27 months on & off. He moved out 3 months ago. You have been my therapy …
Your videos are so intricately illuminating and helpful to those who are or were in relationship with NPD. The abuse is so much less personal and ameliorated once you can appreciate the underpinnings of how their subconscious mind works. These lectures are so liberating. Thank you.
I remember finding you the via my old dial up internet.. !! Love that the site still looks the same…. Nostalgia of the dark days and finally seeing the light 💡
I've listened to many of your videos and this one is the most accurate and easily explained for a simple person to understand and relate the experience of dealing with a narcissist of any kind , I've heard and seen all this from the narcissist ! I'm a simple person but have never failed to see what they were trying to do from the beginning to end , And there is not one thing you have said that they have left out of playing their game ,All I can do is listening to them lie about everything over and over ,they change the same story many times and you confront them and they just say you are wrong , or I'm not doing this conversation and make like you just did something horrible to them , they will have several groups if people that know nothing if the others and choose which group or person to use as their flying monkey or to validate how wonderful they are and to make sure that any attempt of their victim or victims are the liars not them ,they intentionally play the victim to others and show power to their victim by showing how many of your friends and family they have gotten their side , they use sexto keep your interest or to punish you by flirting in front of your face continuously but covince their viictim it is the other person trying to have a relationship with them , anytime you talk to a family member that they know their game they playing they will purposely fllirt in the most horrible manner to punish you , and tell you it wasn't true to mess with your head and make the victim distracted from what he did honestly witness and give ultimatum that you are going to hush about it or get out becouse they will not tolerate you being crazy to say such things about them , totalword salad and 3 forms of abuse to victim with one action ! A normal pperson can spot this behavior right away from a narcissist if they are a close friend or family member of the victim , but all the while the narcissist is banking on destroying your relationship with any outsider becouse they are supporting the victim and the narcissist can't have that going on so they give ultimatum s to their victim ,and the victim ends up alone and at the mercy of the narcissist because she has convinced the victim that she is the only hope he has left in life while she is continuously sabatogeing and help ,gain or resource the victim trys to have or keep or strive for , she wants the victim totally hers in everyway ,she can only speak for him ! He is forbidden ,and she will couse trauma in every corner and crack of his life to force him to cut himself off from everything , everyone , she will do this thru false reports to police ,courts ,other people , jobs , medical , she will make false statements that will send you or family members to prison and doesn't care if you don't love her but you better stay with her ,ect. You will never please them , it's a day to day game , but as a normal person I cannot understand how others cannot see this insanity at first glance ? They stand out like a red blinking light as soon as they speak or if they stand silent or you see a silent auction they are doing , They refuse to let their victim even speak to anyone at anytime with out being butting in and asking for help putting up a small shelf that has been buried in the garage for over a year or break the foycet themselves and couse a leak just to stop any form of their victim to have any communication ,These sort of things come up insuch a way that you can see them as obvious the links they will go to ! Just like pressing charges for abuse and put exparte if you try to leave and after the jail and bond ,with in 30 minutes tell the victim you better come back and I will drop charges ,victim goes back but charges are never dropped , you find yourself in court with the narcissist you sleeping with sitting with the prosecutor against you and then tells you to get in the car to go home with them or it will get worse ! But lie lie lie , They make it worse no matter how good you are , ! And they call competition anyone who trys to help the victim , The acting isso obvious changing minute by minute ! It is insane to watch let alone live it ! I give my advice to the victim to take the prison sentence to getaway ,At least you know there is an end date of the torture but not if you stay ! Fincialky you will not recover but hopefully mentally you will and there will never be remorse or empathy or help of any kind from the narcissist unless you dare to just let them get away with it and let them start the love bomb stage all over again because you think there is no one or no way out ! But there is ! Stop showering them with what ever they are trying to get from you emotionally , stop fantasy conversations , stop sex , play sick ,un interested , don't work on their projects to keep you busy , stop petteing their ego , stop telling them you love them ,stop chaseing them ,don't react to their tantrum nor their abuse or their flirting or not comeing home , don't work harder for more money for them to abuse , don't associate with there family and friends , and just calmly say your not happy and you don't know why ,stick it out ,let them go have sex and lie and talk to all the flying monkeys and anything said to you your response should be calmly that you have no ideal what they talking about , and recording them is a must but them never knowing until you not liveing under the same roof !
I watch only your channel regarding narcissistic behavior. I remember your name being mentioned on the sociopathworld blog years ago. Those guys were rough but they spoke highly of your work.
Thank you sooo much for your knowledge of the behaviour of a narcissist. I have listened and agree with your analysis of this cognitive deficiency in a narcissist. True, lived it.
Someone told me they would get in to a relationship with another person specifically so they could have me as their "mistress". This did not eventuate... However, yes, people do intentionally get in to relationships to sadistically abuse or derive pleasure from a fetish, fantasy or incidental chaos, apparently.
Damn Sam ....... you described my 1st marriage like you were a fly on the wall. Now 23 years out of that horror show and happily re-married, I find it so sick I fell for that. Wow..... is all I can say, awesome video for anyone living in this shit show....get out !!!
Omg. Im going thru this right now n im stuck here w him at his narc moms. I feel like the enemy here n its getting unbearable. I dont have the money to move. I think he damaged my car n then towed it off. So now i dont even have a car to go ANYWHERE.
Is there anyone who can help a person get out before it gets too much worse. I AM GETTING TO POIMT IM GOING TO HURT HIM N IM TRYING NOT TOO!! HE DOESNT WANT TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS CUZ MOMMY ALWAYS COMES TO HIS RESCUEEVEN THO SHES THE ONE WHO RUINED HIM N HE HATES HER. SO IS HE TESTING TO SEE IF HE WILL DRIVE THE PARTNER TO ABANDON HIM N IF SHE DOESNT LEAVE N TRIES TO SHOW HIM HES WORTH FIGHTING FOR? NOW HES GOT MOM N PARTNER IN SAME HOUSE SO HES CONTENT W ONLY MOM CUZ SHE DOESNT TRY TO GET HIM TO BE A BETTER PERSON OR HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE. WHAT ABOUT THE SEX? HE WANTS SEX W HIS MOM? THAT CONFUSES ME
This was so extremely informative. I had bf with NPD for a short while. Damage was done mentally. And this video helped to put his behavior and his motives in perspective. I'm not heart broken, I feel my mind was raped. But I will heal.
@@melissataylor7063 yes, I discovered may/2024 the videos of Sam, and then it explained every little thing I was put through. We finally broke up in September, and it’s being a ride to recover. I also watch the videos about rebuilding my identity, as my ego was swallowed and digested by the narcissist. I was the bad object all this time, now I have to expel all this alien internal voices implanted by the narcissist. Adding to that, I moved to his country, now I’m in a foreign country recovering to rebuild myself.
I thought I had married an angel. But then I had no clue what was going on in my marriage. As I started to educate myself more and more about BPD, NPD, CPTSD, childhood abuse, emotional incest, her narcissistic mother and her dysfunctional family, my wife revealed as the most cruel, evil, sadistic and deranged person I've ever met.
Truth! Been with you since! Even communicated with you in the 90’s and yes my comprehension was as yours back then! YOU were the only person sharing the TRUTH of this disorder. You are 100 % ! ❤️TY.
He told me I look so much like his mother, then he didn’t speak well of her on a few occasions, I could hear the anger under the surface when he speaks of her and his childhood. and he’s treated me like garbage throughout our few months together, it’s a feeling like he hates me, it literally feels like I’m being punished for something that I didn’t do to him.
I wish I had learned these things earlier in life, but having ended up in different relations with narcissists from time to time, I can also see that the experience I have gained is now so tangible that I feel almost immunised against this behaviour. At least the obvious antics.
Yes, getting older is quite humbling. It makes me chuckle as similar happens in my field. Glad you have been the catalyst for this understanding about narcissism. Not so excited as much regarding the retreats and coaches nonsense, however.
OMG…my ex’s pet name for me was “Momma”. I always felt uncomfortable with that. He would fly into a rage if I “ forgot to feed him”. The first time he did that I was dumbfounded. I told him that he is an adult, I am not his mother, and he can figure out when he’s hungry and where the food is located. Still…this was a reoccurring problem. Thank you Sam!
Hilarious and pitiful. Makes me think women should just stay home until their kids are ready for school. It sounds sexist, but the result of kids being parented by anyone other than a loving mommy from birth to six appears to be a lifelong NPD or BPD case scenario, endless heartbreak for countless women and men. If women can't raise them, don't bring them into the world. They have a choice to have them, no one forcing them. P.S. This is written by a woman. Janelle, I went through the same thing. Had to sit in my lap like a toddler!!! I couldn't figure it out at the time. Yikes.
I will save this video and watch it again and again until I get-it, actually understand. If a person has this information readily available in their mind, surely that person will always recognize the Narcissist and avoid him/her.
You're describing my 28 year marriage from start to finish! I believed he was as close to Jesus as you could get, I was lovebombed, felt loved unconditionally and trusted him without regard. It was when I was emotionally vulnerable from my friend killing herself, my brother drowning, me going thru extreme symptoms of menopause and the Covid outbreak that shut down the world that he began the most horrible mental abuse. Gaslighting, and the complete removal of anything good about me. After a year and a half I'm finally getting the harsh inner critique out of my head. I'm dead to him and alienated from the kids. Trying to get back on my feet. Your videos have helped me so much!!! Tytyty!!!
I see many fly by night lawyers and others making an effort online to educate in the subject. Their description are limited if not vacuous. I’ve been following you for many years. You were first and so your wisdom is more snowballed. I’ve needs great clarity if you’re coming to the table late. The psychopath/ narcissism difference need this kind of complex clarity.
Genius! Huge Respect to You, most insightful, precise, and accurate description of the Narcissistic mental disorder, and brilliantly articulated. It literally ticks all the features of what I was subjected to and experienced. Providing that kind of understanding is big part of trauma relieve. Many thanks Gergana
Wow! 35 years of hell and figured out what I have been living with about 2 years ago. But the last several months have come with terms like submission and obedience which horrified me. But these past few months he keeps telling me I need to be a mother, softer and sweeter. Which also made me take a step back. And now I find you, and have so much more understanding of what I am dealing with. Most of me is destroyed but hopefully I can get out. And I was happy to learn yesterday that his rage is known as borderline narcissism. I am so dissociated lately, just so hard to accept the reality that I I allowed to exist for decades.
thank you for your helpful videos - so funny! after withdrawing from several people were i didn't feel good, i found some saying to describe my life before this act - i felt my life was like a horrific science-fiction movie with free trip to jurassic park
@@watchmeheal1176 This is scary. (this coming from a person who was attacked on the street by 2nd husband's then mistress AND recently found death threats from a women who was 'the ex' [he said she was] of 'my narc' who walked out when I confronted him w/the text).
Profound and so insightful.I can't thank you enough for explaining so thoroughly, it's provided me with a deeper understanding of my circumstances over the past 9 years. I made a 'good mother' ,but clearly not good enough, and so it ended. Interesting thought, just after I first met him,he had a catastrophic stroke( tearing his carotid artery while showing off). I can see now how thr mask dissolved at this time and he was very vulnerable, there was considerable damage to the right side of his brain. Over thr years, he miraculously recovered as best he could, driving and working again etc,but gradually he changed, behaviours described in this video emerging.
I met my husband online ten years ago and thought we were lucky to have met each other. When I told my sister about him, I described him as " too good to be true," which should have been a massive red flag! Mind you; there were more red flags along the way. In my defense, he's a professional manipulator! Plus, I thought I finally found the love of my life. We've been married for almost eight years, and only five years, we lived in a peaceful fantasy before the mask started falling off. Although I was not ready for a child, he tried to force me into having one sooner. It was a strange feeling as if he had no understanding or respect for my decision, so I waited until I was mentally ready to take on motherhood, and now we have a wonderful son.
I'm his third wife-another red flag. I am currently living a NIGHTMARE! The smear campaign has started, and recently he confessed to a grave false accusation against me. Why? Because I have the nerves to tell him what I will not tolerate anymore. I've never in my life experienced this level of entitlement, disregard, lack of empathy, sympathy, disrespect, and lack of accountability. The "victim" playing mentality drives me up the wall!
At one point, I questioned my reality and even my sanity. I went through horrible depression for weeks. Recently, I discovered I had a panic attack. When the depression was over, something clicked, and I woke up, literally. I knew every move before he made them. His words did not mean a thing, so watching his actions was very telling.
How does someone who claims to love and care for you sincerely treat you as an irreplaceable object, then expect you to cherish the air they breathe? They are mentally unstable individuals who only create drama and leave you with additional trauma. I'm trying to understand what made me fall for all his lies and love-bombing behavior in the beginning...we as victims, also need to take accountability for our actions. Seek therapy and dive into your childhood; try to unpack/understand yourself better so you'll never fall prey to selfish demons. Please don't be angry or hate your abuser; it won't solve anything.
Sending peace and love your way ❤
We shall get over these mentally ill people. The good thing we are now aware of their tactics.
My story is same like yours I'm a third wife and have a son and we also met online. This pain is like hell.
Hide your toothbrush.
Wow, you are amazing, not alot of people can take accountability for their actions, which does not mean that you wete not abused, but you aknowledge your part in it, kudos to you🫶🧚♀️💞⚜️
Go you ! You were able to grieve and then look objectively at the empty shell - amazing courage and fortitude…the narcs like that about us…we have so many gifts they covet.
Shield your son - he potentially may be at future risk of NPD, modeling what he sees…the abnormal relating to the world/reality! Best of luck, everyone here can shuck the zombie narcissus.
I remember you being the first online. I found your site out of desperation to understand my husband. Got your book, divorced, became a psychologist, help others with your work. Thanks for everything. Glad your work is continuing!!!!
I am most intrigued by the teaching in Vaknin’s other video where he says “narcissism is contagious”. I suffered so much with codependency at the beginning of my 6 year relationship, then believing there would be change, feeling some improvement which only created a loop of high-highs and low-lows… I definitely resonate with feeling like I would numb out to my partner, treating him with less and less empathy, because I was angry and felt controlled while unseen and unheard. The boiling points would motivate me to leave the relationship, but the “toxic tennis” as I like to call the emails, texts, chats, all the usual communication that occurred to get me back, would be my “opportunity” to be as dispassionate and ruthless with his crocodile tears as I felt he treated me. Eventually, not being a narcissist, the anger would subside and I would consider he’d suffered enough and prayed he finally “heard me”. Ugh. There are levels to all of this and after years in the loop, I felt narcissistic, sadistic, dark… I did not like myself, I did not like the defensive courtroom language I had to adopt in that environment. There was NO growth, use of true intelligence though he thought he was the most intelligent man in our city. I am single and severing that attachment with everything I can so that I never repeat this lesson again.
Well said you mirrored my story exactly. I became someone I wasn't and hated the person I became. Angry, Hypervigilant, Suspicious, joyless and judgemental. All the things I was trying to get him into therapy for. Felt like fighting fire with fire but in actuality I was just being stripped of my goodness and pulled down to his level. The only way to cope with that kind of cruelty and accept being in the relationship was to normalise it, minimise it and eventually become it.....that's when it's time to get out. I've been hiding away from everyone on my own for 10 months now and licking my wounds. Will take a long time to get better but at least life will be on my terms again. Here's to lessons learned and never repeated xx
@@moragjeffery957 I see this in myself too. Healing. I feel ruined. One can't un know things they have seen and experienced.
Wow. This is what I became, and this is why I am one week out of such dysfunction. I was mirroring him, so I smashed that mirror, and I’m refusing his potential offer of a new one. I. Am. Finished.
@@moragjeffery957 There is a Proverb in the Bible that I wish I had heeded:
22:24-25 "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul."
@benotdeceived1072 The Bible is an awesome book. There is nothing arbitrary about it. Just pure wisdom.
Fascinating - as I lived it. So glad to be done with the crazy! The first rage moment - I had no idea what was happening!!!!!! Then no sex, then resentment, then rage out of nowhere over dinner choices........OMG! Never any happiness EVER. I have learned so much. Pathetic, Cowardly, Sad and Hollow. The reading of emotional cues - so on point. I questioned in my head - that reaction didn't make sense at all! Sam V - why didn't I find you sooner! LOL I am healing and on a much greater path. Peace, L
@@nickidaisyreddwoodd5837 I agree and did it as gently as I could and then let him know I was moving on with my life and blocking him.
Wow
Crazy come. Crazy go.
Still in it...almost 5 years. Making my escape plan. It has mentally damaged me worse than any other relationship I’ve been in and my 2nd marriage was horrifically abusive. This is worse. I need a new brain.🤯😖
''...then rage out of nowhere over dinner choices'' cried when you said this. happened to me too and I didn't get it at first and so I often freeze in disbelief.
Ugh... my marriage. But, unless I went through this, I wouldn't have understood... No possible warning I would have heeded. Thank you Sam. Thank you. I am divorced and out from his nightmare. I think of all of your videos and explanations, THIS one is IT for me. Superb
Yeah my ex too. He was sadistic. I am so happy to be out of that marriage. 17 years wasted lol
@@nd612 I understand what you’re saying and it so painful to go through but now we truly can protect ourselves in the future.
Yep me too!
@@lexiemaep7930 Not wasted. It was hopefully the the exact time you needed to find yourself. From now on you set healthy bounderies and only invite people in your life who truly worth it.
I read this and thought “did I write this?”
I only saw his 'lost child' and as long as he kept up his therapy I felt there was hope, so i stayed. I hated being made into his mother and taking the rage he had for her. I knew it was about HER past behaviour but I couldn't leave him, he 'needed' me.
Near the end of our marriage I managed to persuade him to let me go on a retreat and I got strong again, became my old self and the 'mother left me'. When we met at the airport i saw him look at me, as if he were saying 'oh no'.
48 hours later he revealed something so shocking so sadistic so absolutely not who i thought he was that it was either going to drive me over the edge if i stayed or it would get rid of me.
Once I was able to see that the sadist had been operating for years, humiliating and endangering our whole family - I was chilled by it - it was like seeing a sweet boy turn into a laughing spectre - i woke up and I knew that night I could now leave and he wouldn't be able to stop me.
Waking up to what was behind the 'lost boy' gave me my freedom back after 2 decades. I know that this whole way of being he could not help, i no longer blame him.
Knowing that he cannot see this behaviour and forgiving him has helped me co-parent with him.
I have seen him do this making women his mother over and over again and he has no one in his life except our son, all ruined by his fear. My life got instantly better. Yes I had to have years of cptsd therapy and alot else to recover but it was easy compared to living with his pain. I left with my pain and left his pain with him, so my burden was halved and easy to deal with as I can change me (no one else). His pain was doubled as i carried his pain before and was abused for doing so.
'His life my death' was the theme of our relationship, it ended up killing my ego, and then i could leave. I still can't quite get over how i kept trying to make him happy for 20 years. But I L o v e my life now and being me again is like being re-united with my best friend again. Every day is a gift now. He cannot get bette because he doesn’t know there is anything in him that needs changing it’s everyone else, I can accept that and accept him as he is and pray he knows peace and true Love one day.
Can’t you please share what he said that was so sadistic ? Please I would like to just compare it to what my narc said to
Me .
Ken
It's my story too😭
I’m wondering about the co parenting; my co parenting is a worse drama than my marriage of 17 years. My ex has brainwashed our once optimistic, happy and joyful daughter who now looks like an anxiety filled, nervous, traumatized shell of her former self.
So glad u made it. 💓
I'm trying everyday to stay strong I'm almost 3months out.
Wow! I have been studying narcissist for seven years now after a therapist told me I was married to one for 32 years, he told me I have two choices learn to live it and he gave me a book to help me or to leave, I am so glad I chose to leave! I wasted half of my life with that monster, he was controlling abusive mental and physical all the put downs, gas lighting, manipulation, he drove me to do things out of my character!
I am happily married to a wonderful man now it is Like waking up from a nightmare! The narc still stalks me, smear champagnes , he has turned all my children against me it has been hell!!!
I live in peace now, it is a tough price to pay but I know I would literally be dead right now if I would have stayed with him! He will never be able to control me again! Thank you for all this wonderful insight, it is like you were explaining my Ex completely Spot on!
I'm in the process of leaving my covert NC husband...getting all my ducks in order
Yep!! Married the same time! Jist left! Took 3 years, thru breast cancer alone AND the pandemic lockdown!! Ughhh left everything!! BUT!? I'm rich! I HAVE MY LIFE & SANITY! Everything else is just material things we think we need for survival !! Nope!! I'd rather die happy... just making it then die materially comfortable yet sick, alone, empty & wacked out!! PEACE!! Is life's beauty!! Good luck to allll
I was definitely his mother figure. No intimacy shook me; I became so ensecure. Just what he wanted. This video is spot on. 3 yrs out
I cried through this whole video. It sadly described the last 5 years of my life. I feel so confused, lost, robbed, cheated, and mostly abused. What gives them the right to think they are godly like? I once loved my narcissistic person so much that I gave him everything, literally, including my mind and soul. But as I watch this I feel hate towards him now.
But you’re not dumb at all 🤔
Melissa - know exactly where you're at - I still love her dearly - it's crazy isn't it? You're not alone 🙂
You can't give someone your "mind" unless you're a brilliant creator with some intellectual property or product to be patented. In all seriousness, what does a woman talk to a man about exactly to make it "gave him my mind"? Romanticizing the whole "I gave you my entire self" is only an indication of you being so broken prior to meeting him that you willingly merged with someone who seemed interested in you but had not lived your life story next to you yet you imagined that they did.
Yes love for them can easily turn to hatred in the end. They drive us to feeling that way.
Just forgive him. I say that for you. Hatred hurts us. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die. Forgiveness frees you. It lets you live with a peaceful heart. He would like that you hate him because he is still controlling your state of mind. But when you forgive him it’s the highest state of being free and in control. Do it for you.
Such a relief to hear you say "no one goes into a relationship wanting to hurt and eventually abandon the person who you fell in love with" I had battled with this and this refusal to abandon the narcissist kept me trapped mentally. Now with a little understanding I can set myself free. Thank you Sam.
Narcissists hate the truth. Truth is the enemy. Narcissists use deceit and intimidation in order to affect and control others who they see as useful sources. However, the truth can set you free.
Thank you for writing this.
Same here...
Me too
OH GOD! I have watched so many videos of Prof Vaknin! This is THE VIDEO that finally HIT ME! Why Is the best is to leave Narcissist. No matter what you do you can’t not win and fix the inner world of Narcissistic. I understand now “ this dance makabre and horror movie and Prof Vaknin always said RUN! It is no Point and no Point to stick with Narcissist ! It is so SAD and Helpless because the intimate partner has no chance to fix Anything and has no power!
Wow you’re like a modern day Sherlock Holmes or something
Never met someone so amazing and yet painfully stupid at the same time (my narc). I never understood his behavior until I came across your videos.
Many give up the challenge knowing narcissists never change and can get worse. Narcissists use others as sources. Others must play roles. Narcissists cannot truly love anyone except themselves. Narcissists can get easily bored. They use people as toys. Some narcissists are cheaters. However, some people need to feel controlled so they will do well with narcissists. There are all kinds of people.
My god this is just brilliant!! If I were to tell this to anyone …parenting, shared fantasy,bargaining, discard etc nobody would believe me but every word said in this video is absolutely true …I have lived it …it’s just so difficult to make people understand what and why these evil people do what they do …..I have to take custody of my child from my evil wife who uses my child to punish me but I don’t think a judge believe all that
Once we’re aware, it’s unbelievable how red the flags are. How clearly they tell on themselves (projection) but we’re too busy trying to keep our feet on the ground to see it. Ex’s only nickname for me was Mom, we don’t have kids together and he’s 15 years older than me, so it felt weird and I asked him not to call me that. You all already know he only called me Mom from that moment on.
I started noticing that when my husband would text my son, his step son, he would refer to me as mom and not “your mom”, as if I was my husband’s mom as well.
Narcissists do not care if their supply comes negatively, so long as it comes. They would rather have a rage fight with you than have no attention at all.
yep, they truly feed of off discontent, as hard as it is to believe
Based
That explains so much….a narcissist tries to make you into his mother, and he expects you heal his hanging issues from her. Shewww…..no wonder he’s an anguished soul….opening up old wounds: Take care of me, now get away so I can defy & do whatever I want.
Your overall discussion has been extremely enlightening. Thank You.
You clarifed a 36 yr relationship. Thank you. For years I thought I was loosing my mind, the last time he threatened to leave, I said bye.
You are very lucky. You should write a book on how you accomplished that. You could make a fortune.
Sam, you are so right. No matter how successful they are, the narcissists will be self-destructed. The narcissist I knew who was a business owner and made more than 200k/year just went to prison.
I’m stunned how Sam Vaknin has described perfectly my husband and marriage. We’re in the bargaining stage at present. I knew intuitively that his recent crazy behaviors were being done intentionally to push me away and now he says how much he wants to be alone and loves his solitude.
The only difference is that I never cheated on him, but I sure as hell wanted to.
0
You are very fortunate to come across this video in the midst of the bargaining stage. Wish I would have had it at that time! But still, it has helped me understand more so I can get some peace of mind, after the fact. : )
The narcissist that came into my life because I was feeling alone in a foreign country//Beaware friends
You really should be on stage///Russia 😢
Im going through as of Nov. 1 the exact experience as you. I am almost positive he has another source, a replacement
Thank you for this superb video! So thorough and rich in content. If the narcissist is involved with a strong minded individual, I think the bargaining phase might be replaced with the strong minded person's statement of boundaries, or the calling of the narcissist to account for bad behavior, which according to many accounts (including my own), causes many narcissists to almost immediately and unfeelingly terminate the relationship with no discussion or explanation.
I hope you've found peace around all of it. This is exactly what happened to me. No bargaining occurs when there's nothing to bargain for or with.
Yes i concue to your statement cos in my own case i lashed on my narc so hard to her who she is and how disguisting she is and exposed on social so hard that she has to go off all her social media app and she quickly disengage with me cos i unmasked her and agryly attacked her and discard her.😅😅
Understanding sadistic supply, explains everything...
Yes , exactly 👌
Yep
Thank you, Sam.
Yes! A narcissistic discard is sadistic.
I have been with my husband I never knew why he treated me so badly until I watched your videos thank you for opening my eyes to what is really going on
That's how I got some knowledge on this...I still remember years ago I typed on google " why does my husband seem to hate me" , a window literally and figuratively lol...the doors were closed, I closed myself in, but God showed me a window 🙏 I know this sounds so dramatic lol but you never feel right after you find this...so much to get clean inside.. shame, compassion, accountability, wow...but it helped all of my relationships ,not just that one, and I feel more confident to be open and sociable when the the occasion comes,I learned to filter and learned what boundaries are🙏 I'm not doing ok after ,I'm a different person and now need to learn to live with all of those parts of me, learning and unlearning behaviors and coping skills , I 'm more at peace with myself, but I'm still tired and sad most of the time.
The parenting procedure didn’t feel that weird to me. What’s most strange and sad is that it doesn’t work anyway for him. It never works and he will have to rid himself of the same partner that he tried so hard to attain. Always failure. Always destroys the situation even if he got his partner to agree. That’s crazy. He CANNOT allow success in his relationships. That is not what they are for. His relationships are only for continuous self torture, self loathing and to reenact his unfortunate childhood. And unfortunately, you, as an appliance, are along for the ride.
They are self sabotaging. And we are sabotaged too
You are not old Professor - You are just getting started. You will be with us for a very long time. Keep teaching us with your brilliant brain.
Sam you should be smashing these guys on you tube. You speak so fluidly. You have no competition.
This is excellent content. Sadly, it resonates the most AFTER you’ve been burnt but will definitely help with future relationships.
"Causing pain to another person implies that he has the power to cause pain to another person". Thats right. Its all about power so the can believe the image they use to idealize themselves
This is so incredibly accurate of explaining what happened in the relationship I had. Only I never cheated on him... but I definitely admit deceiving him by pretending I still respected and believed him during the final phase. This video my favourite so far. TY 🙏
I have gone as far as divorcing my narc only to back to dating him .
It’s draining, I was doing my best for 5 months to stay NC and then I ran into him and I opened the door. I felt bad for him, he told me he was losing his mind without me and he needed me back. For the first time I heard him say he was sorry for abusing me and the loss of his family because of his ways. He said he never meant to hurt us. What an act… he deserves an Oscar.
Why do I go back? Why do I feel like the narcissist? I have lost my mind and have thrown childlike tantrums, I’ve said so many mean things, and it’s not who I am. He enrages me. I lose my temper and then I look like the crazy one.
Is it ok to just walk away even if he hasn’t done “anything”? I want to be out and done but the fear of what
Hes so needy and he drains all the energy I have.
I am so scared of being the one to abandon him. I don’t know if I can handle being discarded but I’m also afraid to be the one who discards.
I need a plan to finally end it. Please help me make an exit plan.
I planned to leave mine because I felt he just didn't care about our relationship (at that point I was not thinking he had NPD) then about 10 days after I made this decision, he beat me to it and discarded me because I didn't call him for 4 days (meanwhile he made no attempt to contact me). It hurt quite a bit but I was fairly prepared for it. Then I came across this channel and have been listening ever since to help me get through it all. Stay strong love ❤ we have so much love to give and need to give it to people who will reciprocate
This is the ONE video that truly laid it out. I'm getting closer to grasp these characters and Could finally contrast and compare the different ones by their behaviours, the psychopath without the false self, who doesn't need friends, his grandiosity, who thrives on sadism even at the cost of losing supply. Then the narcissist with the false self who needs people, thrives on narc supply, but here and there when his ego has taken a blow tries to take a sly drink of sadistic supply for an extra boost. Then the borderline narcissist with extreme ups and downs, emotional disregulation, her false self (an extra hollow self) drawing on sadistic AND narcissistic supply with periods of calm and satiation. Then there's THAT one narcissist, the one whose phases we witnessed exactly how you laid it out... from beginning to end. It's like you took a Jackson POLLOCK PAINTING and made sense out of it, separated all the colors and put it back in their containers with explanation and a paint by numbers chart.
You have given me peace that I am not crazy, he is gone, just yesterday, I had to listen to you to grasp my part, and his behavior towards me is explained. I love that you are a narcissist would never know, thanks for helping us little people the destroyed supply.
Congrats to you, mine has been gone since earlier this year for good! You are correct about feeling crazy and messing with your mind, the best to you and I'm still trying to heal.
I hope you heal quickly and have support to lean on.
I wish the court of law would take time to hear this and understand the subliminal damage and abuse my husband is causing me and our daughter for the last two years during our divorce.
And would rule with justice.
Sadly it's a legal system not a justice system 😔
We all need licenses. License to be a tour guide, license for being an estate agent, license to drive etc... so I think we should all also do a course to raise children and get a license for having kids... the most important thing we do in the world and we don’t need a license for that.
Omg im so shook. My ex would project his mother's hate onto me and would hold me accountable to him as a parent. He grew up without a father and looked to his business partner who is only 10 years older than him as his father. One day we were at his business partners house and he told him you're like a father to me and his business partner got so uncomfortable. Wow professor!!! You are spot on
My heart goes out to all the ppl that have had to deal narcs, and have actually been married to them🤦. I guess I'm lucky in a way, I've had 2 narcs in my life that just that kept coming in for short periods of time, obliterating my life, and leaving, never committing. ( Thank god). I've never been married because of that, coz I simply don't trust any man.., my heart is paralysed ..I've since stopped the cycle, after discovering recently that one of them has antisocial personality disorder.. I'm currently healing from that trauma, and I'm never going back to that soul shattering nightmare ever again. I truely wish everyone that's been through this devastation in their lives nothing but peace, love and complete healing ❤
I am so done with the narcissistic soulless man because I became aware of all this as I learned as the relationship collapsed
Hysterical ~ both meanings- awesome to hear the story and realize that so many people who are NPD- do the same old shit. I have seen it in so many of my relatives (both parents) relationships (several) it’s been a huge waste of my amazing love and light. Moving on to my true being without the abuse, especially that with which I was taught to abandon my self. Onward and upward! I never cheated- I have a great sense of personal dignity, honesty and purity. Thanks Sam!
Me either. I wish he talked more on the dynamic of the woman partner that does NOT cheat.
Always come back to catch up with new facits of narcissism with Sam! You are so appreciated, Sam!
After divorcing my husband of 32 years of hell, 22 years ago, now I've realized my spiritual authority and boss of my part time work as children's pastor has been horribly narcissisticaly abusive and destructive of children's ministry. Am having to write the backstory of why this ministry can't sustain itself. He couldn't tolerate my many years of successful ministry in the past. Nor could he tolerate my confrontation of his public slander of me nicely requiring him to never do it again. So he replaced me with someone with absolutely NO ability to run the ministry. It took only 2 weeks for grandparents to scream about nothing happening in children's ministry, several asking me to return. He's now advertising for a children's minister as if I have retired. I have 30 years of building children's ministry and thereby growing the church in general.. Parents of our children and other parishioner want me to stay. Some families have now left the church. Astonishing that he is willing to destroy this ministry in order to resolve his desperate need to show he's above my capabities by replacing me.
By leveling
expertise on staff to make sure his position and authority are not compromised he has shown astonishing behavior behind the scenes.
Another staff member called him out in staff meeting saying this minister attacked this staff member like Dracula attacking his carotid artery with intent to kill. The minister said nothing nor did he show he heard the accusation. Because I lived with this personality, I see every tiny strategic move to discard me. I'm having to write a report to several leaders about what is happening to continue to destroy this vital ministry.
Thank you Dr Vaknin for this amazing video. I'm in court in 7 weeks with my NPD husband, for a 2 day property settlement trial. It's as though you had just described the last 16 years of my life to a tee.
The part about the Narcissist destroying and rebuilding his life several times over, is him. I'm his third wife.
I couldn't prevent him destroying our amazing life. No amount of bargaining would work. He just did the opposite to provoke the discard.
Your videos gave me the courage to fight the mental torment he has tried to invoke to stop court proceedings, over the last 3 years.
Thank you again for sharing your insight and knowledge into NPD abuse. I hear your voice loud and clear. It's brilliant.
Wish me luck!
I’m in the process of leaving my narcissistic husband… I am his fourth wife!
Prof Vaknin, this video is another masterpiece of yours, appreciate your hard work.
You so describe my 22 year marriage and the last four year relationship yet with these videos I’m seeing so many around me with these characteristics.
Your channel is profoundly better than the rest. I lived in fear as a child. Since my narc dad almost succeeded in strangling my mom I always was concerned she would still be breathing when I got home from school.
It’s interesting about the Mother thing.
My Ex husband wanted me to dress & cook like his Mum.
He put her on a pedal stall and she did with him.
She treated him like her husband & wanted to hold hands & cuddle on the couch.
I can see now that his Mother was the reason he is a Narcissist.
Yeppers.. mine too. Super weird.
All I can say it is very complex, I am glad I'm out of it. I divorced my covert narcissist husband 2 months ago. I loved him but my mind could not comprehend this craziness. I'm 50 years old and I hope I find a normal man one day.
Hello yes it was a roller coaster ride knowing my ex for 47 years married him in 1974 at 16 years old, we divorced 1986 7 months before our 13 year anniversary. We been in and out of trying. I never knew about narcissism until recently I mean the extent of their mindset. He always acted like a child. I got to tell him what to do and proper way of thinking I been used, abused, abandoned, maligned cheated betrayal my heart bleeds that his abuser caused this on him and his mind was affected. But I can't and won't cause him anymore pain as he done me. I wish him well and I pray he find peace within.
You will find..if you are you are prepare in your authenticity..
Also i live in my life many paternes wich Sam discribe ..and also i have your age.Never is in regret if you love in proper sens.
Give up, I think they have been ruined by idiot grifters.
🎉❤
I lived this nightmare! I had to build up the courage to develop an exit strategy. For me I had to stop the bargaining because it was futile.
All I can say is that the truth is painful and no one wants to believe it could possibly be you. But it happens everyday to a lot of people.
Be courageous! Professor Vaknin gives us his impetus and he is right! Professor Sam Vaknin is courageous himself and deserves praise for telling the viewers everything they don’t want to hear. Everyday he gets lacerated with emails but that doesn’t stop the incalculable Professor Vaknin!
Yes, the truth is very painful and no one believes you. All of a sudden you stay all by yourself and you have to make a choice, either you escape and survive or you die.
Ursula Krauze Yes the truth is utterly undeniably shocking! The choice is all up to you I agree!
I knew that narcissists need attention and don’t like to be ignored. I didn’t know that the reason they can’t change is because they’re stupid. But that makes a lot of sense. Their stupidity keeps them from learning and changing.
I guess I haven’t reached that point in the video. Every narc I’ve been with is super smart. They are emotionally stunted though from their upbringing.
Sometimes it’s not stupidity, it’s ego and willful ignorance
They aren't stupid, they are traumatized. They are trying to protect themselves in messed up, very counterproductive ways. They're just applying the techniques that they learned were most effective with his parents on your relationship to see if you will consent to accepting the role of his mother. That doesn't feel like the kind of offer anyone would want to accept. "Seeking romantic partner who wants to be forced into role of mother, discarded."
Really enjoyed this lecture. Offered me so much insight into my own behaviour and others within the toxic family I grew up in and remain trapped in. I was and have been targeted from about the age of ten years old within the family and "stepfamily" as the Scapegoat child. However, the narcissistic (step)parents often would play favourites and at times I was the Golden child and my younger sister was the Scapegoat. My sister and I have very different personalities and thus were affected differently. Whereas, she became very logical, practical, stoic and cold, unfeeling. I am and always have been deeply feeling, emotional and reactive. Very self depreciating, feelings of grief, neglect, abandonment, loss and rage. Now at the age of 50 I recognize that I have adopted many narcissistic behaviors when deeply hurt or triggered by feelings of rejection and being shunned. Reacting with emotional outbursts of anger, hurt, confusion, cognitive dissonance, distrust and suspicion and i become very accusatory thus pushing everyone further away. My sister also is extremely toxic and destroys all her relationships but in a completely different way. With arrogance, aloofness, apathy, an air of superiority and dismissiveness. She wears a rigid social mask not just outside in the workplace or out in the world but constantly even with family at home. Which seems like a fortress she's built around herself in an attempt to protect herself from any more hurt. Whereas I lash out and attack. I come out swinging against enemies real or imagined and with a ferocity quite disproportionate to the slight which could again, be real or imagined. It has caused me severe physical health problems on top of CPTSD and although It has been 40 yrs the relationships within the family dynamic continue and remain extremely toxic. This video sums it up perfectly. Hit the nail right on the head. Thank you for this information and insight, Sir.
Thhaaaat explains it!!! My Ex narcissist always told me he loves me like hes a dam kid loving his mom!!!! Omfg he actually said it. I started noticing by the last few months before i finally left him he ALWAYS had something wrong with him. One ailment after another. I literally said to myself hes got to be making this up for attention because hooow can someone keep having alll these dam problems everyday there was a new body part that was hurting him. It was to get “ mothered “ by me . Omg
The Answers! Thank you so much! I had a deep down feeling and thought, "What, does he want me to cheat?" I never did, I never fell for whatever game this was. To me it felt like a frame to blame supply.
Last 10 mins is poetry …so spot on. You pull together all of the disorienting and seemingly disparate fragments of this distorted experience and then assemble them for us into a full picture with greater clarity. Thank you. Your work is deeply appreciated. 🙏
Dr. Sam I will always remember the insight you brought to my life when I was the most confused about my husband abusive behavior, my confusion, and lack of understanding..
I have been in a marriage for 43 years our of which 20 my husband did not talk to me, ignored me and hi a contempt and anger kept him silenced.
Yet, he knew all the time he wanted to hurt me!
Thanks to your videos I learn that nothing was normal that his silence is a way o passively punish me!
Thank you, I love you for your unselfish sharing of knowledge.
Great description of parentification. Although my ex wasn’t a narcissist, BPD was suggested by therapists. His behavior making me his mother was to a T as you describe. I even told our therapist in couples therapy that it’s like he’s trying to make me his mother and when I do, he rebels against me. It was a very disturbing experience.
Bpd is treatable right? How did you get a diagnosis?
My fluid bpd/narcissist would yell at me as if i were a parent. She once yelled at me (herself) after a long barrage “go to your room” and slammed the phone down on me. All Id asked was to be spoken to nicely and without yelling and swearing. Then, like a fool, i tried to pick up the pieces and mollify.
Thank you, Sam Vaknin. This explains exactly what I went through and why my ex spoke to me in a child-like manor. Movies he wanted to watch together became more and more adolescent and he would always exclaim out loud at the end of each night “bedtime!” as if I was his mother putting him to bed. In the morning he was Father/Controller/Dictator and remained as such throughout the day, gave me the silent treatment and did not engage in a friendly manor or respond to texts. I would rarely text him during work hours because I was working myself and knew he was focused as well, but he would always brag that he was ignoring me. At night he flipped a switch and became gentle, sweet, fun, kind, loving, snuggly and childlike. Often times only wanting to hold me with no sex. I was always so confused.
iam so sorry for ur suffering
Omgggggg my ex toooo wowwww I have chills reading this
He was impotent but still expecting me to be always interested.
Couldn't get it up if I dared to initiate sex as often rejected, no cuddles hardly even eye contact towards the end, 13 fake years!
🙏🙏
You are not crazy!!!
Just remember that...
Omg...
Such a good clarifying message. Nope I was not willing to be his mama. I played the game as he had it intended, even including the mortification. I never realised he actually detested me while using me with a big grin. Hmmm, a hard pillow to swallow, but I did. No bad or bitter thoughts about him. Better to simply forget totally about him cos he kinda never existed really...what a surprising moment. Thank you Sam. I am happy I did not pass the mommy test in the end.
Thanks for the clear information, very insightful. It is extreme sad for both parties. No one wins really... If you want best for your narcisstic partner, you will suffer tremendously. If you can't anymore you have become a part of their self fulfilling prophesy...
sad, true
I have been married to a narcissist for 36 years. I was entangled with the ups, downs, ins and outs since I was 17 and in fact married him twice. I am starting to believe his narcissism evolved before my eyes.
I have been "attending" your lectures for a few months now. Very enriching, yes, but an aspect of these I find most satisfying is the sharing of illuminating literary works (e.g., William Blake. It got me to thinking about "The Sick Rose"). You've mentioned how much we can learn about narcissism from literature. I imagine you've caught it in Oscar Wilde's work (De Profundis reads like the anatomy of a narcissist. Wilde presents himself less a victim than a dance partner). A professor who weaves lit with psych is highly satisfying, indeed. Thank you. Keep 'em coming. :)
I have learned so much from you. Thank you. I find myself always feeling bad for the Narcissist. As I hear everything you say,its difficult for me because Im beginning to see all her behavior as unintentional. As hurtful as it is on a regular basis and I understand it will never change, I constantly feel bad for her and look at her as being sick. I sacrifice my own emotional health/ welfare etc. Ive recently learned that your description of sadistic supply,is exactly what Ive been experiencing in return from the narcissist. Ive listened to so many of your videos and I believe wholeheartedly that Im dealing with a woman whos either a psychopath/narcissist or borderline/ narcissist if that would be the correct way of putting it. My story is just absolutely heartbreaking and has been really painful. I hope we can talk soon. Thanks again
You have helped me more way's than you know. I left mine and blocked him. You gave me the understanding in a different way. Thank you.
Absolutely the best information I’ve ever heard on this subject! Thank you 🙏
Dear God, I thank you for leading me to Prof Sam's videos. I've been hooked ever since.
After listening to this it's so clear how much my ex told on himself and I didn't know. But thank God I noticed early the patterns emerging and was able to walk away when I realized by the fourth time this is not normal. 7mths but aye I counting my blessing.
I was exactly the same, 7 months!! I had 4-5 times of this abusive rage and I silently left. 3 weeks ago ❤😊
I really enjoy listening to you. Your extremely intelligent so smart so knowledgeable. Your really helping me understand what I need to know to continue moving on my journey alone. Thank you. I was with a narcissist for 27 months on & off. He moved out 3 months ago. You have been my therapy …
You explained a lot about my relationship. He caused fights, he actually wanted me to fight with him more, cause he wanted sadistic supply
Your videos are so intricately illuminating and helpful to those who are or were in relationship with NPD. The abuse is so much less personal and ameliorated once you can appreciate the underpinnings of how their subconscious mind works. These lectures are so liberating. Thank you.
I remember finding you the via my old dial up internet.. !!
Love that the site still looks the same….
Nostalgia of the dark days and finally seeing the light 💡
I've listened to many of your videos and this one is the most accurate and easily explained for a simple person to understand and relate the experience of dealing with a narcissist of any kind , I've heard and seen all this from the narcissist ! I'm a simple person but have never failed to see what they were trying to do from the beginning to end , And there is not one thing you have said that they have left out of playing their game ,All I can do is listening to them lie about everything over and over ,they change the same story many times and you confront them and they just say you are wrong , or I'm not doing this conversation and make like you just did something horrible to them , they will have several groups if people that know nothing if the others and choose which group or person to use as their flying monkey or to validate how wonderful they are and to make sure that any attempt of their victim or victims are the liars not them ,they intentionally play the victim to others and show power to their victim by showing how many of your friends and family they have gotten their side , they use sexto keep your interest or to punish you by flirting in front of your face continuously but covince their viictim it is the other person trying to have a relationship with them , anytime you talk to a family member that they know their game they playing they will purposely fllirt in the most horrible manner to punish you , and tell you it wasn't true to mess with your head and make the victim distracted from what he did honestly witness and give ultimatum that you are going to hush about it or get out becouse they will not tolerate you being crazy to say such things about them , totalword salad and 3 forms of abuse to victim with one action ! A normal pperson can spot this behavior right away from a narcissist if they are a close friend or family member of the victim , but all the while the narcissist is banking on destroying your relationship with any outsider becouse they are supporting the victim and the narcissist can't have that going on so they give ultimatum s to their victim ,and the victim ends up alone and at the mercy of the narcissist because she has convinced the victim that she is the only hope he has left in life while she is continuously sabatogeing and help ,gain or resource the victim trys to have or keep or strive for , she wants the victim totally hers in everyway ,she can only speak for him ! He is forbidden ,and she will couse trauma in every corner and crack of his life to force him to cut himself off from everything , everyone , she will do this thru false reports to police ,courts ,other people , jobs , medical , she will make false statements that will send you or family members to prison and doesn't care if you don't love her but you better stay with her ,ect. You will never please them , it's a day to day game , but as a normal person I cannot understand how others cannot see this insanity at first glance ? They stand out like a red blinking light as soon as they speak or if they stand silent or you see a silent auction they are doing , They refuse to let their victim even speak to anyone at anytime with out being butting in and asking for help putting up a small shelf that has been buried in the garage for over a year or break the foycet themselves and couse a leak just to stop any form of their victim to have any communication ,These sort of things come up insuch a way that you can see them as obvious the links they will go to ! Just like pressing charges for abuse and put exparte if you try to leave and after the jail and bond ,with in 30 minutes tell the victim you better come back and I will drop charges ,victim goes back but charges are never dropped , you find yourself in court with the narcissist you sleeping with sitting with the prosecutor against you and then tells you to get in the car to go home with them or it will get worse ! But lie lie lie , They make it worse no matter how good you are , ! And they call competition anyone who trys to help the victim , The acting isso obvious changing minute by minute ! It is insane to watch let alone live it ! I give my advice to the victim to take the prison sentence to getaway ,At least you know there is an end date of the torture but not if you stay ! Fincialky you will not recover but hopefully mentally you will and there will never be remorse or empathy or help of any kind from the narcissist unless you dare to just let them get away with it and let them start the love bomb stage all over again because you think there is no one or no way out ! But there is ! Stop showering them with what ever they are trying to get from you emotionally , stop fantasy conversations , stop sex , play sick ,un interested , don't work on their projects to keep you busy , stop petteing their ego , stop telling them you love them ,stop chaseing them ,don't react to their tantrum nor their abuse or their flirting or not comeing home , don't work harder for more money for them to abuse , don't associate with there family and friends , and just calmly say your not happy and you don't know why ,stick it out ,let them go have sex and lie and talk to all the flying monkeys and anything said to you your response should be calmly that you have no ideal what they talking about , and recording them is a must but them never knowing until you not liveing under the same roof !
This is so interesting, have now grasped what a narcissist actually is. Thank you.
Thank you. Your energy and light are undoing all the knots.❤❤❤
I watch only your channel regarding narcissistic behavior. I remember your name being mentioned on the sociopathworld blog years ago. Those guys were rough but they spoke highly of your work.
Thank you sooo much for your knowledge of the behaviour of a narcissist. I have listened and agree with your analysis of this cognitive deficiency in a narcissist. True, lived it.
Someone told me they would get in to a relationship with another person specifically so they could have me as their "mistress". This did not eventuate... However, yes, people do intentionally get in to relationships to sadistically abuse or derive pleasure from a fetish, fantasy or incidental chaos, apparently.
@@watchmeheal1176 Wow, that sounds absolutely awful, I’m so sorry this is happening.
Damn Sam ....... you described my 1st marriage like you were a fly on the wall. Now 23 years out of that horror show and happily re-married, I find it so sick I fell for that. Wow..... is all I can say, awesome video for anyone living in this shit show....get out !!!
The horror show 😂💯 👏 so true!!!
Omg. Im going thru this right now n im stuck here w him at his narc moms. I feel like the enemy here n its getting unbearable. I dont have the money to move. I think he damaged my car n then towed it off. So now i dont even have a car to go ANYWHERE.
Is there anyone who can help a person get out before it gets too much worse. I AM GETTING TO POIMT IM GOING TO HURT HIM N IM TRYING NOT TOO!! HE DOESNT WANT TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS CUZ MOMMY ALWAYS COMES TO HIS RESCUEEVEN THO SHES THE ONE WHO RUINED HIM N HE HATES HER. SO IS HE TESTING TO SEE IF HE WILL DRIVE THE PARTNER TO ABANDON HIM N IF SHE DOESNT LEAVE N TRIES TO SHOW HIM HES WORTH FIGHTING FOR? NOW HES GOT MOM N PARTNER IN SAME HOUSE SO HES CONTENT W ONLY MOM CUZ SHE DOESNT TRY TO GET HIM TO BE A BETTER PERSON OR HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE. WHAT ABOUT THE SEX? HE WANTS SEX W HIS MOM? THAT CONFUSES ME
@@sharonengler-hixson6364 it's a world you got into, it's you who will find courage to move out too if that's what you want
Hell he describing mine 20 yrs reigns now😲
This was so extremely informative. I had bf with NPD for a short while. Damage was done mentally. And this video helped to put his behavior and his motives in perspective. I'm not heart broken, I feel my mind was raped. But I will heal.
Exactly the same... I feel he took my innocence away. I feel mentally but also s3xually abused.
This is my entire relationship of 8 years i have to keep watching these videos to hold the painful reality in my hands to let him go...
Me too. 8 years. I discovered through Sam videos what I was happening to me.
@@forgotmad195wow! Same 8 years next month same- same!!!!!!!
Can’t believe 3 of us at 8 years listening actively to keep this fresh to let them go
@@melissataylor7063 yes, I discovered may/2024 the videos of Sam, and then it explained every little thing I was put through. We finally broke up in September, and it’s being a ride to recover. I also watch the videos about rebuilding my identity, as my ego was swallowed and digested by the narcissist. I was the bad object all this time, now I have to expel all this alien internal voices implanted by the narcissist. Adding to that, I moved to his country, now I’m in a foreign country recovering to rebuild myself.
I thought I had married an angel. But then I had no clue what was going on in my marriage. As I started to educate myself more and more about BPD, NPD, CPTSD, childhood abuse, emotional incest, her narcissistic mother and her dysfunctional family, my wife revealed as the most cruel, evil, sadistic and deranged person I've ever met.
Truth! Been with you since! Even communicated with you in the 90’s and yes my comprehension was as yours back then! YOU were the only person sharing the TRUTH of this disorder. You are 100 % ! ❤️TY.
He told me I look so much like his mother, then he didn’t speak well of her on a few occasions, I could hear the anger under the surface when he speaks of her and his childhood.
and he’s treated me like garbage throughout our few months together, it’s a feeling like he hates me, it literally feels like I’m being punished for something that I didn’t do to him.
I wish I had learned these things earlier in life, but having ended up in different relations with narcissists from time to time, I can also see that the experience I have gained is now so tangible that I feel almost immunised against this behaviour. At least the obvious antics.
Outstanding video again!!! Thank you Professor!
Truly and extremely helpful while I go through this devastating divorce to a covert narcissist.
Yes, getting older is quite humbling. It makes me chuckle as similar happens in my field.
Glad you have been the catalyst for this understanding about narcissism. Not so excited as much regarding the retreats and coaches nonsense, however.
This was real good video with learning about this Sadistic Supply that the narcissist converts to very interesting thanks Mr Sam
OMG…my ex’s pet name for me was “Momma”. I always felt uncomfortable with that. He would fly into a rage if I “ forgot to feed him”. The first time he did that I was dumbfounded. I told him that he is an adult, I am not his mother, and he can figure out when he’s hungry and where the food is located. Still…this was a reoccurring problem. Thank you Sam!
Yes!
Hilarious and pitiful. Makes me think women should just stay home until their kids are ready for school. It sounds sexist, but the result of kids being parented by anyone other than a loving mommy from birth to six appears to be a lifelong NPD or BPD case scenario, endless heartbreak for countless women and men. If women can't raise them, don't bring them into the world. They have a choice to have them, no one forcing them. P.S. This is written by a woman. Janelle, I went through the same thing. Had to sit in my lap like a toddler!!! I couldn't figure it out at the time. Yikes.
Wow … they are all the same ! All I kept thinking about is how his mom did a crappy job at raising him bc he would not survive alone
You are wonderful to explain this. Bless you. Was so confusing before. Thank you.
I will save this video and watch it again and again until I get-it, actually understand.
If a person has this information readily available in their mind, surely that person will always recognize the Narcissist and avoid him/her.
You really are the only expert. The so called experts, use your knowledge and videos. Thank you xx
When the decades start flying by. ;). I appreciate your wisdom, Sam. And your sense of humor. It’s a great mix.
Jurassic Park. ;)
I came across one of your videos from 13 yrs ago. Tempus fugit. ;)
I’ve tuned into your brilliance around 8 years ago. Best thing I ever did 🤩 thanks Sam 😊
You're describing my 28 year marriage from start to finish! I believed he was as close to Jesus as you could get, I was lovebombed, felt loved unconditionally and trusted him without regard. It was when I was emotionally vulnerable from my friend killing herself, my brother drowning, me going thru extreme symptoms of menopause and the Covid outbreak that shut down the world that he began the most horrible mental abuse. Gaslighting, and the complete removal of anything good about me. After a year and a half I'm finally getting the harsh inner critique out of my head. I'm dead to him and alienated from the kids. Trying to get back on my feet. Your videos have helped me so much!!! Tytyty!!!
Withholding intimacy was never accepted by me. He left everytime i brought it up. On and off every few weeks because of this. Now i understand 👍
Why in your opinion did he withhold intimacy with you?
This information is so important, u truly can't grasp unless experienced. I love your format 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I see many fly by night lawyers and others making an effort online to educate in the subject. Their description are limited if not vacuous.
I’ve been following you for many years. You were first and so your wisdom is more snowballed.
I’ve needs great clarity if you’re coming to the table late. The psychopath/ narcissism difference need this kind of complex clarity.
I am soooo grateful. This is brilliantly expressed. Thank you. Finally. Some deeper knowledge. Bowing. Thank you!
It is good to know you are not alone no more
Genius! Huge Respect to You, most insightful, precise, and accurate description of the Narcissistic mental disorder, and brilliantly articulated. It literally ticks all the features of what I was subjected to and experienced. Providing that kind of understanding is big part of trauma relieve.
Many thanks
Gergana
Wow! 35 years of hell and figured out what I have been living with about 2 years ago. But the last several months have come with terms like submission and obedience which horrified me. But these past few months he keeps telling me I need to be a mother, softer and sweeter. Which also made me take a step back. And now I find you, and have so much more understanding of what I am dealing with. Most of me is destroyed but hopefully I can get out. And I was happy to learn yesterday that his rage is known as borderline narcissism. I am so dissociated lately, just so hard to accept the reality that I I allowed to exist for decades.
Spot on, Sam! I'm sure you have THE BEST textbook definition of ALL aspects of a narcissist. You have helped me greatly...
Thank you for making this accessible.
thank you for your helpful videos - so funny! after withdrawing from several people were i didn't feel good, i found some saying to describe my life before this act - i felt my life was like a horrific science-fiction movie with free trip to jurassic park
Your analysis is spot on, its amazing how accurate you are......
Wow, my ex narc said those very words "I want to be free to do what I want to do....when I want to do it...."
@@watchmeheal1176 This is scary. (this coming from a person who was attacked on the street by 2nd husband's then mistress AND recently found death threats from a women who was 'the ex' [he said she was] of 'my narc' who walked out when I confronted him w/the text).
Profound and so insightful.I can't thank you enough for explaining so thoroughly, it's provided me with a deeper understanding of my circumstances over the past 9 years. I made a 'good mother' ,but clearly not good enough, and so it ended. Interesting thought, just after I first met him,he had a catastrophic stroke( tearing his carotid artery while showing off). I can see now how thr mask dissolved at this time and he was very vulnerable, there was considerable damage to the right side of his brain. Over thr years, he miraculously recovered as best he could, driving and working again etc,but gradually he changed, behaviours described in this video emerging.