Two things I learned later in life: 1) Givers need to learn to set boundaries because takers don't have any; and 2) The only people who will be upset with you setting boundaries are those who benefited from you not having any.
#2 Recently told a 5-year friend (who I drove everywhere because she doesn’t have a car) I wouldn’t take her to the smoke store anymore…3 days later I got a text “our friendship doesn’t feel friendly anymore, I don’t enjoy being with you” - you summed it up perfectly.
Totally agree. Was devastated after my separation when a lot of the ‘friends’ went with him. What I realised was they were never actually my friends. I have three close friends who have been there every single day. Supported me. Nurtured me. Picked me back up. The others matter not one bit. It took me two years to overcome it and realise my life is so much better with just the people who matter. The people who care. I hope people who are struggling with this find peace ❤.
@@celinefederici6951 the fact is is people o u t, g r o w each other and when the relationship becomes toxic whether it's with a family member or a friend you just have to know when to look out for yourself and that's what I did I do not keep in touch with three of my sisters and I cut off three long-term friendships in the last five years and I don't regret I'm a much healthier person I realize they were using me for their own g a i n but it took me a long time to figure that out now I dedicate my time to my adopted senior cat and my beautiful children. my life is full. to each their own
I've had several "good" friends who didn't hold up their half of the relationship, so when we inevitably went our separate ways (sometimes painfully), it may have taken awhile to get over it/past it, but in the end, I was fine. And I'm assuming my former friends are fine too. I have discovered, through the years, that friendships are like male-female relationships, and go through the same stages: the honeymoon phase, the "working hard at it" phase, the "i need you more than ever" phase; the "growth outside the relationship" phase, and the sometimes inevitable "it's time to move on" phase. Things change, you have to be ready, willing, and able to see and understand this. ALL of my own friends are now merely acquaintances, we rarely see each other or hang out. All I have is my sister as my true BFF. And it's all OK!
@@kymcrowart7876 who cares how they feel usually if you leave a toxic relationship it's because the other person is not treating you well and it's time to move on and look out for yourself in my opinion
Sometimes the long friend is just an easy target and they get left because of a misunderstanding that can easily be worked out. I had this happen to me and I was the only one expected to apologize and not the other way around as well. I am crushed the friendship isn’t the same as I finally thought I had a diehard friend for life. She’s done this to me before but not to this extent. Now we’re still friends but not to the degree it was and quite frankly I’m afraid to let my guard down even if she did want to become close again. It just hurts too much. I also don’t want to beg for someone’s friendship. So my point is please don’t do that to a friend! Their feelings are important too. My husband says to not expect someone to treat you the way you want to treat them. It doesn’t always work both ways.
@@j.y.3604 well I had a friend of 40 years turn and leave our friendship and it broke my heart, it was traumatic for both of us but we would never hurt each other on purpose and I’m devastated she left.
I stopped talking to a friend I had known for 67 years. I didn't feel good about myself around her. Now occasionally we text. I still love her but I started loving myself more.
The problem is you have to trust your so-called friend to keep your private information private. I've found with female friends this is extremely rare. It's sad but at age 63 I've learned to keep my really private information private unless I want it to be spread around, e.g. gossip.
most people we think are " friends" are merely levels of acquaintances. Low, mid or high level acquaintances. Its become exceedinly rare to have a real true friend.
I found out after divorce that my married friends dropped off. That was over 20 years ago. I never really became close with anyone again after that. Last date was in 2011, and none of the relationships I’d been in worked out for me. Between when I was married, or in a relationship, or when my parents got older, it seemed like I was always taking care of someone else. And I always gave more than I got. I worked at the same job for over 30 years, and now I’m retired for 4 years. People from work kept in touch for a little while, and then nothing. My youngest daughter moved out the same year I retired, so it’s just me and my cat. But I find that I enjoy being by myself. It’s peaceful. I’m in a good place.
I bet there are some new hobbies or activities out there for you to try. Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone may result in meeting some new people.
I lost my parents at a young age, and I realise now, like 30 years later that I was forever trying to be part of other peoples families, I guess to fool myself I was in a family when I really wasn't, to fill that vacuum. It was a false comfort because they would say you are like family, but when they had family gatherings or christmas I would not be invited, and I always thought yes I guess thats normal because when I was very young I just wanted our family when it came to Christmas. But then I realised that when they wanted help in some way I would always volunteer to help like I believed familes did, I kept the illusion going. So I did the hard graft, like helping people move, clean out sheds, taking them to appointments, being there for them in their sad moments, buying expensive thougthful presents, I really didn't mind helping. Then I moved, and the people I thought would take the effort to at least visit me and appreciate all I did or make some effort never did, like never, It sure was a painful eye opener. and I realised I was in these relationships because of what I got out of it, not because they needed my friendship they didn't, they already had their family, I was just an extra. It was hard to loose some of what I so called' frendships" because I had to take a very honest hard look and realise that the reason they were friends with me was because I put so much effort into them, not because they make any effort just for me. An emotionally painful lesson to learn. I decided I wasn't going to get bitter about it, just see it for what it was.
@@rosiemackenzie5976 I hear you because I lived it. Always giving more than I got. It is a hard lesson to learn. I think many times, we give so much to others because we want others to feel that way about us. But if it’s not reciprocated, eventually the relationship dies. But after you go through it a number of times, you do begin to realize that the loss was theirs, because we would never do to them what was done to us. It’s why I have major trust issues to this day. However, I have gotten more comfortable with myself and I do have boundaries today that I never had before. Self respect is important because people will take from you what you allow. So don’t allow it. Don’t be so available. It’s not being selfish, it’s having self respect!
That happened to me when I got divorced. I realized they were never my friends so I am much better off. Many are in unhappy marriages themselves. I got remarried, but I am happy with my spouse, kids, and pets.
but Todd, how do you know how long the moment is supposed to last? I find it difficult not to have expectations of people. How do you not have them without having people walk all over you?
@@sylviacarlson3561I think he means not fully investing your whole heart but at the same time remaining open to whichever way it goes. If it’s temporary great, if it’s long lasting also great. Be ok with either and settle it within your heart.
I had a best friend for almost 15 years. I reached my early 40s and had a breakdown. This supposed best friend turned her back on me. And so did all the other "friends" I thought I had. When I was on the floor trying to find my way back up, there was no one. Since then I have kept to myself. When the going get tough you find out the truth. I grew and blossomed. In hind sight, I was so lucky that I shed those "friends".😊
Wow that must have been so difficult for you. I wish I had been your friend because I take friendship seriously. I had people that I thought were my friends too and I was soooo hurt. I vowed that I would not do this to anyone because I know how awful it feels when it happens. Well, at least you found out that they were not true friends. When the timing is right you will find true friends but, for now you be with yourself and heal. Sending you lots of love. 😀❤️
I stopped being friends with an old friend because the relationship was so one-sided. It was just always about her and her problems and she was never able to listen to mine. There are no good friends anymore.
I had a similar experience after 20 years of being friends with someone. I was getting ready to turn 50 and I started evaluating my life. I realized that she and I only really got together about twice a year and never even spoke on the phone in between visits. When we did meet, she talked about herself the entire visit. She never asked about my kids or me or my husband. I kind of started to suspect that she was just keeping me around because she felt superior to me. The final straw was when I took her to see a new house that my husband and I were having built and she had nothing nice to say about it and that was it. I never spoke to her again or returned her calls. I have a million other examples which I won't put in the comment section. I knew talking to her about it would change nothing, because this wasn't just a small, slight on her part, there was a history of this sort of behaviour. She could never really be happy for me. I then realized she really wasn't a very nice person and neither was her husband and I dreaded getting together with her because of this. That was ten years ago, and I don't regret it. Sometimes friendships just run their course.
@@chellejack3480: “Sometimes friendships just run their course” Very, very true from my experience. I have had some close friendships just kind of fizzle out and die a natural death. No hard feelings just we drifted apart and conversations that were once easy and natural became forced and awkward. Jealousy has sometimes been a factor in a relationship ending. My once best friend starting in high school was a brilliant student vs. me who was a B/B+ student so back then when grades were a main measuring stick of a student’s success and status he was in a superior position to me. But he went into government work for a career and I worked in private industry and our financial situations diverged pretty substantially. He started making some snarky remarks towards me and could never be happy for any success, especially financial, that I achieved. There was a final straw event and I started the process of backing away from our years long and once very close friendship. We have not interacted with each other for over 2 years now and I don’t think we ever will again and I’m fine with that.
My exact experience! A 48 year friendship ended when tables turned and I needed her for a change and her response? "Watch Dr. Pimple Popper and count your blessings". Its been 3 years and looking back I realize how lop-sided the friendship was. How I didn't see it before...
There’s an abundance of Narcissists everywhere today. If you don’t know what a narcissist is then get busy and find out because becoming entangled with a narcissist is the very worst thing you can do. UA-cam has many good videos on narcissists are how to spot them, as well as information about how they harm people. Sam Vaknin is excellent, find his channel and listen to him once a day. Before long you will have all the insights you need to be able to sidestep these harmful people.
One person let you down. Big time. Just that one. Please do yourself a kindness and allow others into your life. Tread with caution, of course, but don't tar everyone with the same brush. Good luck!
I walked away from a long term friendship, our conversations always left me drained from her negativity and pessimism. I wish her well but I can’t be around her anymore.
I’m soooo sorry, my mom is 89 and I know what you are going through. Love that you are on UA-cam connecting with people ❤❤ hope you’ll continue to comment on my videos. Thanks so much❤
I had a best friend since middle school, and we were incredibly close well into our adult years,...we .slowly stopped communicating.......Years later (I am now in my 60's), I decided to find her ...we had a warm phone reunion...sharing all those memories....my experience was that EVERYTHING was the same....we were 17 years old again.!!...but as I continued to reach out, it became clear that- I was a part of her past.. .. these highly unrealistic expectations on my part led to her ghosting me.
Yes it can go either way. I was so afraid to reach out to old college friends during covid. Maybe because it was a weird/lonely time we were all willing to try. But just as many women have shared that for them, like you said, the past is the past for many. Such a shame in the long run
To be flippant, a dog can be your best friend and their loyalty knows no bounds. I've lost a couple of friends and I could not figure out the reason and what I'd done wrong. In both cases I found out a number of years later that there was turmoil in their lives and in dealing with it, they didn't have the strength to nurture friendships. It can often be the "other" person, not you at fault.
I was the one who walked away. She was a very good friend to me. I thought I was a good friend to her through her bad marriage, always there to listen. Then she started being mean to me sometimes and saying "I'm surrounded by idiots." And I asked her about that and she rolled her eyes. Following the break up of her marriage, the friendship more or less died. I let it. I didn't pursue. And it's so peaceful. I don't wish her ill, at all. I heard she's doing great and I'm so glad. I only want the best for her. But I don't want to be a part of it.
@@bcd4562. Yup, my friendship was 50 years, and she suddenly belittled me, told mutual friends I was a loser. I was there emotionally, spent hours on the phone while she talked through problems, when her son physically assaulted her I dropped everything and drove 5 hours to be at her side, financially, during covid I supported her, and spiritually, but I became the bad person? I realized, after the initial pain that she was a drain on my happiness. Wished her luck and never looked back. Friendship should be a give and take relationship.
@@j.y.3604 I can understand your feelings. So sad she was treating you as sloppy seconds. Very rude and hurtful. Feel that way when family does that to me.
I walked away almost a year ago from my bestie of 10 years. She’s a functioning alcoholic and I got tired of her verbal abuse, lies and worrying she was going to hurt herself or worse. I still miss and love her, but it’s been better for my mental well-being.
I knew a friend for 48 years but we grew apart & didn’t have allot in common anymore & I simply no longer enjoy her company anymore , she is always late like more than an hour & on her social media on her phone when you haven’t seen her for a year . I’ve tried over & over to give her more chances but nothing changed . I don’t miss her . Sometimes outgrowing a friend isn’t always a bad thing .
I had a friend for over 20 years. During her life, she went through some serious problems and depression. I was there for her. I have kept a diary since the fifth grade. I was shocked by how years and how many times she didn’t answer my calls and never called me back. She is the most selfish person that I have ever met. The last time she called me I didn’t have my glasses on and answered the phone. I had planned on not speaking to her ever again. So when I said “hello” and I heard her voice, I hung up on her. I don’t regret doing it. Not one bit.
I have always said, if you have anyone in your life (friends or family) that is toxic, cut the strings. Some people are only in your life for a season.
I can relate! My ex friend of 35 years and I, led very different lives. She opted for marriage and stayed home with 3 children. I opted for a career, travel and no children. I was always the person she turned to when she needed advice, or if things were going pear shaped for her. Yet when I called her excited with good news my call would go to voice mail and I knew she wouldn’t call back for ages. Over the years she became increasingly jealous of practically everything and anything I did - be it with my career, men or places I went to. She copied continuously including buying the exact same things - which at the time said she didn’t like - and then lied about not liking it. I kept my tongue in my head but finally decided to call her out over something which I was deeply upset about - hoping she would if not agree with me, at least say she was sorry if that’s how I felt. As I suspected, neither! The flood gates peeked open and I gave her some serious home truths knowing she wouldn’t like it, but her reaction was irrelevant as I was completely done with her. That was 4 years ago and I’ve never missed her. I should have done it sooner. PS All the best to everyone out there going through something similar 😊🇬🇧
I know that one. I was married with 2 kids and never had to work. Loved staying home, and yes I had a couple of friends/acquaintances who were quite jealous. While they were stressed out from their careers I had time for hobbies and traveling with my family during the summers and holidays. You can't stay friends with resentful people who aren't secure, nor try to change their circumstances to attain a life where they too are happy.
Jealousy is a big killer of friendships. It was one of the issues that ended my long term relationship with my best friend of over 40 years. We first met as seniors in high school and were close as brothers for many years. He married and had 2 children and while I also married my wife and I never had children. His 2 kids referred to me as Uncle Bob and my wife and I bought them presents every year for their birthdays and Xmas. We gave each child $10K for college. Because we didn’t have children and both had good paying jobs my wife and I built up a good net worth and now live comfortably in retirement. My former best friend was jealous of our financial situation vs. his and would repeatedly make caustic remarks about it to me. There was a final straw event about 6 years ago that caused me to back away from our once close friendship and we have now not had any contact for over 2 years. Because there were so many caustic events in our relationship I find I don’t miss him at all and am glad our relationship has ended.
Mine seemed to happen over a period of 2 months. My ex-friend suddenly became quiet. I emailed her and she finally sent me an email saying she had moved on from our friendship. I am absolutely stunned. But God takes people out of a life for a reason. I am listening to God on this subject. I am almost over the hurt.
@@peggygraham6129 I am not blaming God. You might have misunderstood. I am 77 years old and throughout my life, I truly believe that God has removed a person from my life for my good. He knew before I did that the person may lead me down the wrong path. Thank you for your comment so I could make myself better understood. I have lived with God in my life for a long time and He is truly sovereign.
@@laurahillauthor I truly appreciated your video. I feel as if I was supposed to watch it. I felt spiritual confirmation and also considered what I needed to do to be a better friend. I praise our Lord for his guidance.
Hello Lauren. This video came up in my feed, and intrigued by the title of your video, I decided to watch it. I am a 55-year-old man who just recently also lost my best friend of over 20 years. However, the decline in our friendship began some time ago, and it was apparent that we had grown into different priorities in life and interests as well. Even though it was hard, it was also kind of liberating. I've been experiencing some health issues now as I am getting older, so on that side of the coin, it is nice to slow things down and just enjoy a bit of privacy in my life. I still have friends, and I still feel good about myself as a person. I have been writing songs and that is my passion. I miss hanging out with him sometimes, but at the same time, I'm glad we've both moved on. I enjoyed your video. You have a very warm and inviting personality. TY for sharing this.
When I lost my son tragically of suicide after the death of our only grandbaby as well - I lost many friends…..and to be honest there are some who I wish would go away. But mostly I ended 2 20 year friendships with women who were “narcissistic” to say the least. I felt that even in my traumatic grief - I was taking care of their feelings. I stopped that about a year ago and ended the relationships and felt incredibly liberated. Tragedies shake things up in a person’s life and things and relationships that were not healthy - fall away as well. It took me 8 years to figure it all out - my son will be gone for 9 this fall. I have never felt this whole in my life. What a price to pay however 💔❤️🩹Healing happens.
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss - and the awful behaviour of some of your friends. It’s so true that it’s at the worse times of our lives that you/we discover who are the true friends that claim to care for us. Best wishes from across the pond 😊🇬🇧
People are often superstitious about misfortune....those who get long illnesses usually have a complete change of relationships. I wish you the best...
I am sorry very sorry for your losses. I wish you peace. We are living in a difficult time however, some aspects of it force us to reckon with what has value and what is taking a toll on us. God bless you!
@@josimpson7999 Thank you…….yes…….I belong to a support group for Moms of only children who died in the military. We all say the same things about relationships - surprise at who was there and more surprise at who wasn’t. Blessings🕊️🇺🇸
As you age you no longer have time to waste on people who have or need constant drama in their lives, or are an addict (still). You look at the road ahead and realize your time on earth is very short.
So a woman rudely commented on a comment that I made saying that no one was going to read my long-ass novel. Well if you don't want to read it keep moving but what I find really funny is that this video is about somebody being a terrible friend and then I have a stranger coming on and saying something really rude and mean to me. Holy Cow she must be a great great person in real life to her friends. Pretty funny that somebody so mean in their real world has to say things like that to a complete stranger.
@@babygrizwold What a terrible thing to say to anyone……..online or in person! I’m so sorry that happened. We never know who people are. Sometimes mental illness………
To be completely honest with you, I always like the long comments, they come from the heart, and they usually are pretty good, because it takes a person time to write them, and they seem sincere. She was probably jealous cause she obviously can't express herself very well.
@@mtnwalkingdogwoman yes also it's very hard on here to be able to tell a little story or an experience without having a long comment. I read them as well. It doesn't take that long 😊
When I was younger, I used to think that having a lot of friends was ideal. As I get older, my husband is my best friend and I have a few women friends and acquaintances. Less is more peace for me now. Thanks for the talk.
I stumbled across your video today. The same happened to me. You have to grieve the loss just as you would grieve the loss of a loved one - because after all - they are a loved one and it hurts. I love the way you describe how people no longer "have room at their table". That is a very elegant way to describe it. And thank you for the reminder that our lives constantly change - even as we age.
This happened to me, in exactly the same way, she had made new friends if a socal standing approved by her husband, I think. Some 5 years later after my husband passed away, she made brief contact again, no explanation, but by then I could accept. Thanks for putting it all into context
I also walked away from a 40 yr old friendship. Sometimes, you have to decide whether this relationship is worth it. Does it cause you anxiety? I decided that it was better to walk away.
I did the same thing 2 years ago from a 30 year friendship. Our relationship used to be close as brothers but changes in our lives caused jealousy and resentment on his part towards me and there was a last straw event that caused me to have an epiphany and I withdrew from our long friendship and have no desire to try and resurrect it.
My friend of over 13 years has recently decided that her 82 year old male neighbour is more important to her than I am. We are both in our mid seventies. I bought her a car which cost me £7,000, as she couldn't afford one. I've also 'treated' her to many other quite expensive things for her home, and babysat her 3dogs (5 including my two), twice a year for over 8 years so she could visit her family 4 hours drive away. Since recently telling her I couldn't cope with 5 dogs anymore, her 'friendly' mask has slipped and it seems I'm yesterday's news! At least I have my dogs; they are loyal till the end. 😊🙋♀️🇬🇧
So sorry this happened to you. You were a giving friend and she was a taker :( My 19 yr old sons friend dumped him hes known him since gr 1. He did it at the worst time while my son was diagnosed with epilepsy and his grandma has dementia. Im in shock and heart broken. People can be very cold!
Thank you Laura. In my case, I started to make changes in my life after I faced a cancer scare. My goal was to strengthen my health. I learned about narcissism. I set some boundaries. Two so-called friends left. One I knew for 22 years while the other was 31 years. There was no argument or discussion. They just left. I was clearly stuck living in the lie that I had 2 people who cared. I’m grateful that I have God on my side.✝️🙏🕊️
Just my opinion. If you don't want to continue a relationship with someone, tell them. Ghosting is for cowards. As far as politics go, politicians come and go but true friendship is forever. That applies to family also. Thanks for the video. ❤
as I said in my original comment... some people just don't listen. I told a particular friend repeatedly that I didn't want to talk on the phone every single day, and that I did not want to do things with her every single weekend. She still called me every day and showed up every weekend. If I didn't answer the phone/door she would be extremely hurt and bewildered. She was not hearing me. Sometimes ghosting is all you can do.
Someone would have a narrow view of the world for politics to break up a friendship. I have friends who have very different political affiliations-we may talk in generalities but usually avoid the topic so as not to offend the other.
MY BEST FRIEND OF 38 YEARS DECIDED AFTER GETTING A PROMOTION AT WORK, THAT I WAS NO LONGER HER "CALIBER" OF FRIEND. IT HURT ME SO DEEPLY! THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO. I'M A RETIRED NURSE AND I'VE NEVER ALLOWED MYSELF TO GET CLOSE TO ANYONE (OTHER THAN FAMILY) SINCE THEN.
I bet you could find some great friends out there. Sometimes people we love feel like we are no longer a good fit It really hurts for a long time. Just don't let it rob you of the new people who may be out there!
This came at just the perfect time. I’m in my mid 50s and just graduated nursing school in May. My best friend we are so close. She doesn’t even return my text messages anymore and like you said, I don’t want to look like a stalker, but it was so sudden. Like our funny text messages went to not texting me back for two weeks or me having to text again. And I just did not understand it’s made me so depressed. I have not even taken my nursing boards. Like everyone is fake in the world is fake and at the end of the day I’m just a middle-aged white woman who needs to go sit down in a chair by herself. It’s embarrassing and I’m ashamed and I never saw it coming. I’ve been divorced many years ago and I don’t remember feeling hurt like this. I’m gonna think about what you said thank you so very much for posting this.
I know how bad it hurts, I had a dear friend stab me in the back very publically it was so embarrassing and cringy, I was mortified and so sad. Guess what other girlfriends helped me figure out…. She was jealous of me because I had a big accomplishment. That changed the balance in our relationship.I am betting your huge accomplishment (congratulations btw) has her seeing green. The only thing she can hold over you is the friendship. I wonder if when you get to the point where it doesn’t hurt so bad you may see that the signs were there all along. Hang in there and throw yourself in to your new career and all the new people you are going to meet❤
I'm so sorry you are hurting. If possible, my suggestion would be to either text, email or write a note letting her know you miss her and are open to knowing if you played a part in her not staying in touch as you once did. At least you will have tried and perhaps this will lift the weight off your shoulders and will take the nursing boards you must have worked so hard for.
People inevitably change. Sometimes long term friendships survive the changes and even thrive. Other times, the commonality once shared dissolves and in its absence, one or both friends follow their inclinations and move on. The hardest partings are when one person stops participating in the friendship while the other still treasures the old connection. While this discrepancy can be hurtful, it’s not life threatening. Instead, the end of an old friendship opens up opportunities to get out there and start new friendships. Appreciate the good memories, accept what is real right now and open your heart to new sources of affection and companionship. They are waiting for you.
You have hit the nail on the head. As my friends and I grapple with some of these disappointments over the years we have all come to the same place as you!
I had a friend over 45 years I walked away from as it was a fake friendship. She would only contact me when she wanted me to spend my money either buying a gift or spending it on home decor . She loved to bring up past boyfriends I had. We just don’t have anything in common anymore. And honestly I don’t need to be around someone who just wants to use me. She’s 65 years old and still thinks women are jealous of her. At her age there are so many other things to be concerned about than jealousy. I don’t need to be around a narcissist they are exhausting. It happens people grow apart.
I cut off a friend of almost 10 years. I set boundaries and tried over and over for years. Final straw happened after very hurtful behavior that I knew was the end of me trying. Mutual friends and even not mutual at work asked subtle questions.... i just wished her well and said no more. What would be the point with somebody so entitled to be the only one who mattered?
A lesson I learned that took many years to figure out. I am loyal to a fault. When someone moved it hurt to the core that I could not function and just stayed away from deep relationships. I finally figured out that things change and people move in and out of your life. It took me until almost 60 yo to realize that. Working on opening up to people. Thanks for the advice.
You and I learned the lesson around the same time. That’s why I’m hoping that talking about these types of issues will help us, knowing we aren’t alone, thanks!
exactly. We have book chapters in our lives. Some people who were with us in chapter 5 are not meant to be with us in chapter 8. Yet instead of turning the pages forward we often try to turn back the pages to chapter 5...when we shouldn't. Doesn't mean those people are bad, wrong etc. Just means they were only meant to be us for THAT particular time.
I walked away from someone I considered a friend of 40 yrs. She took to criticizing me, over and over, jumping on ridiculous things and I realized she had an agenda. She has a habit of lying and misrepresenting herself, but of course she was ‘better’ than everyone else, did not hesitate to proclaim that. I decided she didn’t deserve the passes I had always given her, nor waste my time on her life of deceptions. When people lie, they are avoiding being caught at it and need to destroy the people who have been patient and forgiving. I was worth my own support. Good lesson of self-love and prioritizing.
A couple of longtime friends who had ghosted me years before unfortunately only to go broke, get ill or lonely decided to circle the block …. only to find they’re BLOCKED.
In my 50's I have broken up with several friends for being disrespectful in a myriad of ways. Funny how menopause and the absence of hormones gives you that clarity. My life is SOOOO much easier without these selfish and angry women in it. Everything was about them and they had no manners.
I had a friend for over fifty years and didn’t realize how she considered my opinions, taste etc wrong. I realized that over the years that I kept my house the color of yours (yellow) because it offended her. Last time we got together she had to mention how she just hated those puffy vests and even more those hideous boots with those rings. I have down vests from white to black and ten pairs of Frye Harness boots. I had not seen her for at least ten years because I couldn’t make it to Thanksgiving because of forecast of a blizzard, a car with some serious issues and a son who was going through mental health issues. That was not enough of an excuse for her. We got stuck in a snow bank on the way to Psych Emergency. We didn’t speak for a decade. She called and invited me to stay with her in Florida…I accepted and we had two good days and while watching the final two episode of MAD Men I mentioned how handsome Jon Hamm was. “Only YOU would think he was handsome”. I left and got a hotel room closer to where my son and ex husband were. At the airport Vanity Fair magazine cover story..What is Hollywood’s Most Handsome Man Going to Do Now that MadMen is Ending? Very dapper Don Draper in a tux….wanted so bad to send that to her. Have spoken to her only once since when our friend died suddenly. She wanted to make plans to get together. I declined. Her daughter was off to college and she needed someone to control. Was not going to be me.
Congratulations on recognizing and removing this toxic ‘friend’ from your life. It’s not easy. The hard part being the recognition and reality of the relationship. Take a deep breath and realize how much happier you are.
Jon Hamm is handsome. I love vests and Frye boots (I have 2 pair), separately and together. Yellow is a lovely color. However, if I didn’t feel these things, I’d never say a word. I think she is jealous of you. I had a friend like her and we split 3 decades ago. She still reaches out to me every once in a while. No issues a complete sentence.
Stories like yours make me realize why I spend so much time alone. At age 63 I wish I could say I had many great, non-judgmental female friends but they are exceedingly rare. One must be a crack interior decorator (according to someone else's tastes), dress a certain way, have their hair a certain way, eat certain foods, drive a certain car etc in order to be accepted by some friends. It causes stress and anxiety to try to meet other people's standards and ideals. Pass!
I have always been prone to being a caretaker. Sometimes you get a sudden realization that your friend is not your friend. Sometimes you realize a person you care a lot about doesn’t give a shite about you. I have had this happen and I ended those relationships. Now I pay better attention to the give and take in my relationships and don’t invest as much in the relationship if I don’t sense reciprocity.
The initial realization that they don’t care about you is devastating. I grieved the loss of a 37 year friendship. I realized later that she only needed me to do things for her and when that was no longer the issue, she moved on with a group of ladies that I had never heard of. She used me and that is painful to accept that she never really cared about me.
I bet she cared about you and the friendship until she changed. I would give yourself a lot more credit, but I know the feeling, and it is really painful to go through. You'll be a much better judge of character moving forward. Thanks for sharing.
My best buddy was my army bud went to Iraq together....I went through unexpected divorce he let me stay at his house hes married 2x young kids.......I was grateful.... Got back on my feet started making great money with my new job. He fell on hard times with his job. I had money so I told him I would buy the kids school clothes boot sweaters coats for the winter he said thanks....I didnt want the kids to feel poor for they mentioned it to me a number of times....then after he calls me up and complains I am making him look like he is not providing for his family ???? angry like I did something to hurt him......I never replied.
I have had this happen to someone I was only pretending to be friends with she never really liked me BUT her mom did at least. So I lived to go hang out with her mom and in order to do that I had to ask her when I could come over. The girl was super popular and nice but never really liked me or acknowledged me even. It felt good to tell myself I had a friend at school but I didn't.
My BFF of 50+ years accused me of improperly uploading a picture to FB, and wanted me to admit my sin to her! The problem was all created in her mind, there was no issue. So me standing up for myself caused WWIII and then she started bringing up every past hurt where I didn’t apologize in the correct way, and got herself all worked up and even admitted she was seething in anger. I can’t believe she’s throwing away a friendship of over 50 years over an imagined problem that doesn’t exist. She is SO prideful and self righteous, spewing scriptures at me too. Makes me sad, it I guess it’s time to walk away. 😢
wonder if she is going through some other kind of personnel crisis? Sounds like she came off the rails and you were just in the wrong pace at the wrong time. It seems weird but women often lash out at their closest friends first.
Yep, my 50 year friendship was lost when she didn’t like who I voted for. We’d always been polar opposites and made it work. But she couldn’t agree to disagree. It hurt but I decided I must not have meant to her what she meant to me and I’m perfectly fine now because I know what I brought to the relationship as the real giver. Truly I feel it’s her loss. You know even Jesus couldn’t please everybody.
My best friend said she would be there for me after my husband died 13 years ago.Of course I was terribly sad and grieving.She constantly said’You had it so good,why are you complaining now’.I thought this was pretty cruel but said nothing.Finally,after weeks,it got to me and I started to avoid her.She then rang,upset,saying,what had she done?Again I said nothing.Then I thought I was being unfair to her and I should trust the friendship.So,I rang her and told her how what she was saying was hurting me.She was angry,said she chose to be offended and put the phone down.I fully expected to see her,but no.I tried to speak to her when I saw her down the shops,but she just shunned me.This is how it has been for 13 years.As a person,I am disappointed in her,but have just moved on.If I see her I just say hullo.and keep going.She does not respond at all.Sad but what can one do.I tend now to have acquaintances,not close friends,as I just do not trust friendships.
I'm a believer in addressing the problem when it happens. It still may not get the outcome you want, but to harbor it is not healthy for either person.
Usually we see the behaviors far before we do anything about it until something happens that we just can't overlook. She was telling you who she was when she made the comment about "why are you complaining now." What the hell did she think was going on??????
As a single woman, I feel blessed to have several very close friends. They have been my delight, my lifeline, my champion, and yes, at times, my critics telling me things I needed to hear presented in a loving way. However much I love them all, I understand that it is also important for me to make new friends…younger ones who give me new perspectives, energy, and vitality; diverse friends who open up new worlds for me, and friends who can run at the same speed as me so I can still enjoy participating in physical activities. I learned the importance of this when, in a matter of two years, three of my very good friends died. It was such a loss that I am still grieving in my own way. If I wasn’t out there, building new friendships, I could easily become isolated, lonely, and more vulnerable to depression. I encourage everyone to honor their healthy long-term friendships, but also to keep building new friendships as a way to stay happy and healthy.
Jealousy is definitely a thing and it has ended a few friendships for me. A couple of people who I was close to when our financial circumstances were similar have fallen away as our respective financial positions changed. It’s sad but I guess that’s just the way some friendships end.
Relationships don’t fail..they end and that’s ok. I invite change in all things, ideas and people. Staying fluid and curious and staying present with an open heart. Ghosting isn’t kind. I’ve had discussions even short ones when I’ve discontinued a relationship even dating. People come and go and I’m happy for the time they were in my life whether it was 1 day or 30 years. We learned something from each other and I’m grateful.❤
I recently lost my only close friend. We'd been friends for 45 years but she always let me know it was a reluctant friendship so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when she ended it--but I was. We're in our 80's, so neither of us have that much time left to be making new friends. After ghosting me for months, she finally sent me a message to let me know why she had ended the friendship so at least I got closure of a sort.
I did this with my sister. It was a relief to acknowledge that she needed to no longer be in my life. I was going thru medical issues and she wasn't anyone i could call or even expect support from. She didn't know the names of my grandkids or even how many i had, she never cared enough to ask. It was time to let go, move on and i have no guilt.
Not worth loosing dear friends over politic in earnest we have little control over the World Economic forum agendas. It's so sad our brave new world. Hope thisork out
@@EyesWideOpen-g7e You just posted what I recently went through with a friend of 35 years. We both are 70s, lost our husbands. She always talked non stop, had control issues, more money than God, yet we had our love of animals and nature as glue. Always kept in touch. Hadn't visited in 10 years until last month. OMG, I couldn't wait to leave. She contradicted 90% of what very little I could get in edgewise. I'm conservative and spiritual. She morphed into a complete feminist over the top liberal who spouted non stop about all the conspiracy theories "those damn conservatives" believe in blah, blah, blah. Pushed at me for everything that was different then her opinions. I'm still recovering!
Yah, some claim to be your best friends but, they aren’t even there for you but, yet when, they need something they come running! I met someone in 3rd grade and, then, again we were in 7th grade. But, as she got older she had no qualms in asking me to pay her way if we went somewhere, or if we were going out to the movie or out to eat, she’d always tell me she’d take and, pay me back later and, never did! Her dismissive behavior became more apparent! As we got older and, I was going through some things she’d promised to be there for me and help get me through it, after a few days she’d stop contacting me. Sure enough though she’d make sure she’d get in touch with me if she needed something and, she just expected me to give to her freely, then, when, I wouldn’t she’d lay the guilt trip on me! I just got fed up and, had enough, she didn’t want me as friend, she just wanted someone to give to her when, everyone turned their back on her! But, I don’t feel guilty whatsoever and, I ended not be the only one who turned their back on her! I also have family members know what, I have got going on but, yet, because, they can’t but, have family that help them but, yet, I moved as they please! I have a neighbor that well, thinks cause, she has money she can do as she pleases and, thinks the rules don’t apply to her! So, I rarely ask for help from a neighbor that surprisingly will help me. But, she keeps demanding, I need to become friends with her and, well, this last time she told me somethings about my neighbor and,things you know you don’t want in a friendship! You also don’t need people telling you who to have friendships with, especially after someone tells you they done them dirty, well, why would you even trust them after that? lol Some people, you are better off keeping your own company than, to allow people to think they can walk all over you! 0:15
I had called this woman "friend" for years and then realized we need to be careful with that word. This woman, after almost 40 years, was never more than and acquaintance. Every meeting was cool and impersonal. It never grew. She moved on and this realization helped to define what we we had.
This happened to me, a friendship of 22 years and one day she just never picked up or returned my calls again. I saw her do this to someone else years prior but didn’t think she’d do it to me.
People and relationships change. Sometimes friendships become more of an old habit and really aren't fulfilling anymore. Even if you truly care about a long time friend, it's not always good to hang on to them. I had a long-term friendship that began leaving me exhausted. When I tried to politely talk about it, nothing changed. I gave it a lot of thought and finally decided to walk away. I do wish them all the best in life and I'm less stressed now. Keep people in your life that are honest, like minded and kind.
They sure do change! My divorced and retired friend went on Ozempic to lose weight and has never looked slimmer. Now she’s on a manhunt! Meanwhile, my own 45 pound weight loss success is completely gone after I gave up the Keto lifestyle. I will laugh at this situation because it’s kinda funny and I will eat some carbs! Friends change on both sides.
I am very careful to give people space. Not to become possessive of people. We dont own each other, no matter what the circumstances. I was friendly with someone who i felt was too clingy and needy, eventually it ended. My rule about contacting people is after two unanswered phone calls or texts i never get in touch again. As long as i know they have someone in their life to know if they are unwell or needed help, then i am happy to leave it to them to get in touch with me if they want to. If not, after about 2 to 3 weeks of feeling a bit hurt i forget about it. People change and have different things going on in their lives, wish them well and move on.😊
Hello Laura, I can relate on the other side of this. I had a close friendship for nearly 15+ years and through some turbulent times (leading up to and divorcing), my friend was always there for me. Although it came with criticisms at times, when I didn't (deal with my ex) her way, ultimately we were caught in a conversation cycle that focused on the hell I and my kids were still going through. I attempted to talk to her about wanting to keep our chats on happier notes (my depression was pretty bad by this time) to no avail. So, I did what I never thought I would, by not responding to an email and after nearly 6 years when I felt more healed & missed her friendship deeply. I wrote her (& another friend) an apology letter via mail asking for their forgiveness I didn't feel I deserved along with gratitude for all that they meant to me. I was utterly humbled and surprised by both of their replies of "no need to apologize, life is hard" and we have been close ever since. Talk about a divine blessing and deeply grateful to them.
Wow, I'm going through this exact thing right now. Thanks for the powerful perspective and comments! People evolve and change; friends ebb and flow. But the type of character flaw required to ghost a supposed friend suddenly (and without cause) has no place in my life. Painful and confusing, but good riddance.
I had a very good friend ghost me - I never quite knew what happened. I was having dreams where this ex-friend and I were supposed to go on a trip only I could never get my things packed. I figured out it must have been related to no closure. I am now more guarded and particular about people I consider friends.
@@littlemissy8356the problem is when they don’t respect you enough to tell you why. Moving on isn’t the problem I don’t think but , maybe it’s the lack of respect?
Went through an absolute awful experience and when I looked around and all the so called friends were nowhere to be seen, I realised I’d been flying over oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump a puddle for me, it was sad but as my health and life has improved I am so much happier without the expectations and demands of those people.
My Mom stopped talking to her friend of 40 years and all of her family on election day 2016.... she has not talked to them since and says she has no regrets. My Mom is very happy.
I miss the days when we were kind and accepting of people based on them and not on politics or the church they go to. Stop calling people evil. Not your job to judge.
@@grt764 there is such a thing as shunning and ostracizing. When you’re judging uses those tools you are the tool bag. Bring people together on Sunday, or at the polls. Stop dehumanizing people you don’t know.
Oh they can't help themselves, bullying behavior. I try to see the good in people. But respect and honesty is truly lacking. They tell liberals we are hateful and their examples are made up lies anyone can see through. Then they have the nerve after belittling you to say "have a nice day" they all do it.
I am late diagnosed autistic. Coming out as autistic late in life and unmasking caused me to lose 99% of my friends and relatives. That tells a sad story about the quality of those relationships all along.
I’m so sorry about that. I suspect I, too, am on the spectrum. I’m curious about what you unmasked about yourself that was a deal breaker for them. I am an extreme introvert and that always seems to be a problem in friendships, as one would except. I can’t talk endlessly on the phone everyday about nothing. I found myself getting so angry every time the phone rang. That’s not normal for people that aren’t neurodivergent. I am also very honest so it became too hard for me to pretend (mask)to be okay with my needs being minimized. I’m much happier if I have my alone time. Your issues may be different than mine but I wish you peace.
Yup, over 60 and just realized in the past year that I am neurodivergent! I made one small post of FB hinting at being such and my cousin called and peppered me with questions. I asked him why the sudden call and he gave me a lame answer. He is a psychologist. 😅 What he doesn’t get is that I am at the top of the spectrum and my quirks don’t show most of the time. Only when I am nervous or in new situations do they pop up! Guess he thought he could tell in 10 minutes, even though it took me my whole life to figure it out.
Honestly, if you can count your true friends on one hand your lucky. Healthy relationships are about give and take. And being authentic. Telling the truth with love. ❤❤❤❤
I am 62 and I am happily lonely. I have my family but few friends and I am ok with that . Did all that in the past, friends and work etc. Now is me time
Same. Im 62 as well. Im done with friends…they just dont know how to reciprocate the friendship..im done doing all the work. My best friend is myself, we have fun, we have plenty to occupy our time aside from work. We get along well (most of the time). And when we want to do something we dont have to wait for someone to do it with us! Ive had enough of getting hurt or just plain disappointed in people.
I'm 63. Once had many many friends and was highly social. I've slowed down for various reasons and get hassled by some women for not "staying in touch" and/or "going out" enough. I never married or had kids so I've been "going out" for 45 years! Leave me alone, ladies and just be pleasant when we get together, that way we can preserve the friendship. If I get hassled or guilt-tripped these days (and yes, it happens), I simply distance - sayonara! Unless of course I've done something selfish, hurtful or egregious, then I'll apologize with tail between legs and own up to it! It's just easier and less stressful to be alone it seems. If I can't make it to your event, there's a good reason or maybe I'm just not feeling up to it. Women need to stop with the pressure, gossip and competition! Sometimes it's lonely to be a somewhat loner at this point, but I have my man friend, my old faithful friends who don't pressure me, my casual/fun friends, strangers I do small talk with and my dog. I just want peace. PEACE!
I ended a long term friendship recently. We had been friends for over 30 years. The “friend” may feel it ended abruptly, but it did not. I felt she was sucking the life out of me with her constant pessimism. I tried to put up boundaries on what we talked about but she just wouldn’t abide. I was falling into a depressive pit partly due to her negativity and partly due to family issues. I tried to talk to her about my mental state dealing with some difficult family stuff and how I just needed to surround myself with positivity at the time. But she couldn’t and wouldn’t. So for my own wellbeing I severed the friendship. I miss the good times, which there were some, but I feel a huge weight has been lifted from me.
I tried to talk to my former BF, but it was all about her. I never got a word in. Have not talked to her since and it’s been three years. I’m glad it’s over as we both changed over the years and I like to have kinder people around me.
I had a friendship of 31 years (much like your video) that devastated me. It's been about 3 years since and at times I still feel the loss as hard. I thought of her as a sister and her family as mine so I lost an entire family. At that time I felt as if they were all I had beside my own immediate family. This far out of it I do see that I do have more friends but I will never get that close to someone again. I feel it is worse than a death because I see her around but there is no contact. I am at a loss as to why except that new friends came in and I was out.
The same thing happened to me gradually over 6 years. Still bothers me but honestly in my case I should have seen it coming. My friend group now is not so demanding and I feel appreciated
My friend and I of 40 went our separate ways because of politics. We were so far apart in our core beliefs that we could not even be together in person anymore. We text about twice per year about life updates. I love her, but as of now, this relationship should be the way it is. It is much more peaceful this way.
Politics these days say so much about the character of people by who they support. Even families have been ripped apart by having to acknowledge the true moral character of people you love.
I lost a friend because of the last election! We respond to each other on facebook posts but that's about it! We went to nursing school together 46 yrs ago and she let politics come between us. I couldn't believe it at first, but I'm not going to stress over it.
I understand that it can hurt when a friendship ends- I became a Christian a few years ago. Needless to say it completely changed who I was and it was difficult for some of my non-believer friends. I was no longer interested in the same things. My behaviors changed. My attitude changed. As I grew and matured in my relationship with Christ, I saw things in who I had been that I did not like, and I didn’t want to live that way any longer. I love my friends and wanted to keep them in my life, but I wasn’t going to compromise my relationship with Christ- an example of a situation that became uncomfortable was when I did not want to go to Las Vegas for a friends 50th birthday. A year before that I would have gone and not thought twice of it- my friends told me that I was taking my Christian life too and becoming boring-I totally understood because they weren’t believers- I left the group- not with any anger or drama, but understood that my friend base had changed based on where I am in my life- it was sad and I went through a grieving process. I guess you could say because these were people I had known for 10 or 15 years.-but God has been good and he has given me a whole bunch of different friends💜
You make a great point, sometimes we move on because we have to….a greater calling. Each one of us is on our own journey and friendships end for so many different reasons. Thanks for sharing ❤
I'm a Christian and have learned nobody comes with a guarantee except the Lord. Even me. Christian friendships can end, too. So be it if reconciliation is impossible. I had to go no contact with a Christian in law on the death of my husband. She majored in mental cruelty and malice against me and my heartbroken children . No regrets. Letting go gently is okay to do.
Same here. It's biblical to come out from among them. However, if they should ever call, I keep it peaceful and try to show my love to them in/through Christ. The sanctification process is not always easy, but necessary...💕
Right before Covid I rekindled a childhood friendship after she got in touch with me. We had not really spoken for over 30 years except birthday and Christmas cards. She had said things back then to deliberately hurt my feelings, so I just let her be. I thought maybe things had changed so we visited and exchanged emails. For a while, things seemed good, I forgave her for the past and thought we were friends. Then came the vaccines. I voiced my concerns and said I was not going to take it. That was it. She stopped all communications. She even got together a class reunion and deliberately did not invite me. That hurt so much. All over a vaccine.
That happened to me. Friends for over 30 years. She dropped me after our last girl trip to California wineries. I noticed on the trip she would get irritated when people complemented me, or if anyone paid attention to me and not her. I tried to contact her and after a few attempts to try to find out what I said or did,mor what happened, she still didn’t respond. I talked with her daughter and she said, “Well you know how she can be.” The. I let it go. It hurt but it hurt worse to hang onto it. People change and come and go in our lives. Great video, thanks for sharing it❤
Laura, I AM A LOVE BOMBER, and I didn't know I was. I am an introvert who draws people to me because I love to know about people. I am very genuine in my interest and ask lots of questions. I also will easily share experiences of my own life. Too much sharing! This triggers me to want to "escape", I will completely disappear without explanation. Because I know this behavior about myself, I have chosen for now about a five-year period to completely withdraw from activities and social circles. Thank you so much for your videos about y our experience with individuals like myself. i will consciously reign myself in when I meet new people. You have changed my life! Thank you! Elizabeth
Ooooohhh I think that I am the too actually, very good comment and really made me self reflect, I know I am a massive people pleaser and feel like I share too much too soon. I too do the disappearing all of a sudden move...
We all do the best we can do. At my age I’ve been on both sides of these crazy relationships over the years. Self awareness is all we can ask of ourselves.
In response to this video, and thank❤you Laura. Also in response to a comment regarding the ones who are givers and takers in a friendship. I consider myself a giver to most of my close friend relationships. I’ve walked away from two friendships in an abrupt manner. I felt that one friendship that was a phone relationship for many many years, and seen each other three times within those years. The one day my life time, i moved closer to her, still quite a distance but not across the country. I felt like I was being judged for having more, or having a better lifestyle or money or…. I don’t know. I felt in some way I was being judged for whatever…. This friend knew I had good heart, she told me that. But as the friendship continued, I just at times couldn’t shake off the feeling, that I was being judged. So I cut off the friendship abruptly. It was hard, but I refuse to be looked upon that way, especially, I’ve been so kind, and giving from my heart. I did the same thing to another friend of 20 years. Her life had taken a change, divorce… etc… We kept the friendship going, and it was good, not the same, but good. I moved, out of the state, and as I tried to keep the friendship, and her too, I could tell she wasn’t interested in our friendship as much as I wanted to keep it. So BAM!!💥 I ended it abruptly. I did this because the feeling of trying keep something going that just isn’t there, and they want to treat me like that?? No mam, or no sir….or no way!! Not doing it. Thank you Laura for having this platform. I’m retired, dealing with extended family from out of state, etc… etc… Your channel is helping me to understand what I am going through, regarding friends/relationships.❤❤❤
Sometimes the friend we've walked away from has become so familiar with you that she treats you with disrespect...like kids do with a younger sibling. But that friend doesn't look like that to other people...then you become the problem and are disliked by others who don't understand. I've learned to have better boundaries and not keep friends just for convenience sake.
I walked away from a buddy I knew for 20 years . Never had a good word , it was draining over time . I went on a motorcycle trip with mutual friends , 5000 miles driven and 21 days on the road … never heard a peep. Told me all I needed to know ,
My friend of 60 years left me. In retrospect, it was pretty much a one-sided relationship. She was the “Queen Bee”, and I indulged her. Finally, when I called her on it, she couldn’t deal with it. I never did find a replacement, but I do have a wonderful soul-mate.
I've had so many wonderful friends over my university and working life but now we are scattered around the globe (this happens in academic life), and I don't try to maintain pen friend relationships with people I will never meet again in person. We don't share our lives anymore. I still love those friends in memory. I live a fairly solitary retired life now but I have had great friendships and am content. I'm good at solitude and I have sisters who are the best. I don't feel the need for acquaintances with whom I don't really have much in common - it's an effort.
its nicer if there is some personnel contact too! I always wondered about those Christmas letters with every single thing that happened in their lives but coming from people you had zero other contact with.lol
There is a season for everything, even the loss of a friendship. Might end up being a real blessing. Br thankful for the years you did share and look forward to moving on to new friendships.
I had a friend do this. It was hurtful to me and my kids (grade school at the time. She was (single and childless) and she was Godmother to my oldest child. My husband had died and I really was struggling with being a single mother and balancing life. This “friend” told me the Christmas after my husband died that it would be the last get together we would have. She didn’t think I was giving her the attention I should or spending time with her as I should. I tried reaching out later but no response. This was 20 years ago and it is still hurtful and my child who is obviously an adult now is also still hurt by her Godmother’s action.
I feel this so profoundly. Some people have no idea how hurtful their actions are. They get close to you just to hurt you💔it’s their problem, not yours!
I just found this video and found it to be so helpful and down to earth. It’s so easy to go down the rabbit hole of pain when these things happen, but as you reminded us, life is always full of change. People change, lives change, circumstances, etc. Stay on the lookout so you’re not blindsided if a friendship ends, and know it’s very often not about you or anything you’ve done or are lacking. Thank you!
I have walked away from a very long friendship because my friend just was never there for me in the way I thought a good friend should be, as I walked through a couple of deep life crises, and one big reason to celebrate. Her responses were so inadequate to the situation over several years. Perhaps, if a long-term friend cools toward you, it is a good idea to reflect on your own inability to connect and empathize with that friend’s life.
You really learn a lot about another persons ‘investment’ in your friendship when the relationship is tested either during tough times or celebratory times❤
I walked away from a person whom I labeled a bff for about 14 years. It was clear to me that she did not respect me or my boundaries. She was secretive and I believe that she was jealous of me. We didn’t share core values. The relationship was not healthy. It was in my best interest to end it, and that I did. It has been a year and five months that I walked away.
Important Conversation. While some friendships are not meant to last forever, when a friendship over a period of years ends, it makes me reflect on that perhaps there was something not authentic in the friendship. Often one can confuse a convenient work or social relationship to that of a dear friend. There can be a pain to the loss of a friendship. I've gotten more philosophical about loosing and gaining friends as I age. My husband is my best friend and is my rock.
Yes, there can be a lack of authenticity in friendships. I had a 38-year friendship that was based on shared interests and some personal sharing. It was hard as we aged because we went from being the same degree of income and life circumstances to one of us becoming poorer and the other becoming more well off. I have another friendship that is in trouble because the lady found out I'm a little smarter than she wants me to be. I can't help how my mind works! I'm also fortunate that my husband is a true friend.
@@marymorris6897 Thanks for your thoughtful comment! Yes, as our life circumstances change, so do our friendships. I find the older that I become it is more difficult to make new friendships, part of that is that I want friendships to be more authentic. There is a channel on You Tube that encapsulates this well & its a couple that moved from the Portland area to the countryside of France. The husband is in touch with his feelings & has stated that if he can't have an indepth connection with others, he's not really interested in friends. He has a great connection with his wife, he has grown sons that he is close to. Clearly he's not talking about striking up a conversation with a neighbor or being pleasant with someone in a café..
My husband and I have pretty much given up on friends. We’ve had so many difficult relationships that we just focus on family. The best friends we’ve had ended up having to move ( we live in a somewhat transient area) for work or to be near family. We are much happier now with people we trust and who love us as we love them.
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
Two things I learned later in life: 1) Givers need to learn to set boundaries because takers don't have any; and 2) The only people who will be upset with you setting boundaries are those who benefited from you not having any.
I am a giver and the pattern repeats itself all the time. I am going to take your advice.
Amen!!!
This is so true.
This is the best advice for me this year. Thank you. 😊
#2 Recently told a 5-year friend (who I drove everywhere because she doesn’t have a car) I wouldn’t take her to the smoke store anymore…3 days later I got a text “our friendship doesn’t feel friendly anymore, I don’t enjoy being with you” - you summed it up perfectly.
Losing a "good" friend is usually a blessing in disguise once you get over the initial separation.
Totally agree. Was devastated after my separation when a lot of the ‘friends’ went with him. What I realised was they were never actually my friends. I have three close friends who have been there every single day. Supported me. Nurtured me. Picked me back up. The others matter not one bit. It took me two years to overcome it and realise my life is so much better with just the people who matter. The people who care. I hope people who are struggling with this find peace ❤.
Very true.
@@celinefederici6951 the fact is is people o u t, g r o w each other and when the relationship becomes toxic whether it's with a family member or a friend you just have to know when to look out for yourself and that's what I did I do not keep in touch with three of my sisters and I cut off three long-term friendships in the last five years and I don't regret I'm a much healthier person I realize they were using me for their own g a i n but it took me a long time to figure that out now I dedicate my time to my adopted senior cat and my beautiful children. my life is full. to each their own
When you look back you usually find you are better off❤
I've had several "good" friends who didn't hold up their half of the relationship, so when we inevitably went our separate ways (sometimes painfully), it may have taken awhile to get over it/past it, but in the end, I was fine. And I'm assuming my former friends are fine too. I have discovered, through the years, that friendships are like male-female relationships, and go through the same stages: the honeymoon phase, the "working hard at it" phase, the "i need you more than ever" phase; the "growth outside the relationship" phase, and the sometimes inevitable "it's time to move on" phase. Things change, you have to be ready, willing, and able to see and understand this. ALL of my own friends are now merely acquaintances, we rarely see each other or hang out. All I have is my sister as my true BFF. And it's all OK!
I walked away from a 40 yr friendship. Best thing I've ever done. I'm much happier.
That’s so sad. I wonder how the friend feels also.
@@kymcrowart7876 who cares how they feel usually if you leave a toxic relationship it's because the other person is not treating you well and it's time to move on and look out for yourself in my opinion
Sometimes the long friend is just an easy target and they get left because of a misunderstanding that can easily be worked out. I had this happen to me and I was the only one expected to apologize and not the other way around as well. I am crushed the friendship isn’t the same as I finally thought I had a diehard friend for life. She’s done this to me before but not to this extent. Now we’re still friends but not to the degree it was and quite frankly I’m afraid to let my guard down even if she did want to become close again. It just hurts too much. I also don’t want to beg for someone’s friendship. So my point is please don’t do that to a friend! Their feelings are important too. My husband says to not expect someone to treat you the way you want to treat them. It doesn’t always work both ways.
@@j.y.3604 well I had a friend of 40 years turn and leave our friendship and it broke my heart, it was traumatic for both of us but we would never hurt each other on purpose and I’m devastated she left.
@@kymcrowart7876who cares
I stopped talking to a friend I had known for 67 years. I didn't feel good about myself around her. Now occasionally we text. I still love her but I started loving myself more.
Good for you!
same here
When a so called friend wants to know everything about you but doesn’t want to share their lives with you, it’s time to walk away.
Or vice versa! ❤
Talk about red flags🚩🚩
The problem is you have to trust your so-called friend to keep your private information private. I've found with female friends this is extremely rare. It's sad but at age 63 I've learned to keep my really private information private unless I want it to be spread around, e.g. gossip.
Applies to a sibling too
Huh? Yuck.
most people we think are " friends" are merely levels of acquaintances. Low, mid or high level acquaintances. Its become exceedinly rare to have a real true friend.
Yes you are so right. I actually did a video on why we feel like we have to call everyone a ‘friend’. Thanks!
Exactly..i have finally learned this in my old age. Different levels of aquaintances, not bosom buddy friends.
Exactly! I have more acquaintances than friends.
I am so glad you talk about female friendships, they are much trickier than the friendships that men have
I found out after divorce that my married friends dropped off. That was over 20 years ago. I never really became close with anyone again after that.
Last date was in 2011, and none of the relationships I’d been in worked out for me.
Between when I was married, or in a relationship, or when my parents got older, it seemed like I was always taking care of someone else. And I always gave more than I got.
I worked at the same job for over 30 years, and now I’m retired for 4 years. People from work kept in touch for a little while, and then nothing.
My youngest daughter moved out the same year I retired, so it’s just me and my cat.
But I find that I enjoy being by myself. It’s peaceful. I’m in a good place.
I bet there are some new hobbies or activities out there for you to try. Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone may result in meeting some new people.
I lost my parents at a young age, and I realise now, like 30 years later that I was forever trying to be part of other peoples families, I guess to fool myself I was in a family when I really wasn't, to fill that vacuum. It was a false comfort because they would say you are like family, but when they had family gatherings or christmas I would not be invited, and I always thought yes I guess thats normal because when I was very young I just wanted our family when it came to Christmas. But then I realised that when they wanted help in some way I would always volunteer to help like I believed familes did, I kept the illusion going. So I did the hard graft, like helping people move, clean out sheds, taking them to appointments, being there for them in their sad moments, buying expensive thougthful presents, I really didn't mind helping. Then I moved, and the people I thought would take the effort to at least visit me and appreciate all I did or make some effort never did, like never, It sure was a painful eye opener. and I realised I was in these relationships because of what I got out of it, not because they needed my friendship they didn't, they already had their family, I was just an extra. It was hard to loose some of what I so called' frendships" because I had to take a very honest hard look and realise that the reason they were friends with me was because I put so much effort into them, not because they make any effort just for me. An emotionally painful lesson to learn. I decided I wasn't going to get bitter about it, just see it for what it was.
@@rosiemackenzie5976 I hear you because I lived it. Always giving more than I got. It is a hard lesson to learn. I think many times, we give so much to others because we want others to feel that way about us. But if it’s not reciprocated, eventually the relationship dies. But after you go through it a number of times, you do begin to realize that the loss was theirs, because we would never do to them what was done to us.
It’s why I have major trust issues to this day. However, I have gotten more comfortable with myself and I do have boundaries today that I never had before. Self respect is important because people will take from you what you allow. So don’t allow it. Don’t be so available. It’s not being selfish, it’s having self respect!
That happened to me when I got divorced. I realized they were never my friends so I am much better off. Many are in unhappy marriages themselves. I got remarried, but I am happy with my spouse, kids, and pets.
@dnse1943 Well done, I feel the same way. We need to build ourselves up instead.
As a man in his early sixties my comment is to appreciate the friendship in the moment not as an expectation. This works for me.
Thanks for sharing this! There are so many different perspectives. We learn from
each other
I'm in my early sixties and this is the time of life when I "got" that. And it feels good. It's what it is is in the moment.
but Todd, how do you know how long the moment is supposed to last? I find it difficult not to have expectations of people. How do you not have them without having people walk all over you?
@@sylviacarlson3561I think he means not fully investing your whole heart but at the same time remaining open to whichever way it goes. If it’s temporary great, if it’s long lasting also great. Be ok with either and settle it within your heart.
I had a best friend for almost 15 years. I reached my early 40s and had a breakdown. This supposed best friend turned her back on me. And so did all the other "friends" I thought I had. When I was on the floor trying to find my way back up, there was no one. Since then I have kept to myself. When the going get tough you find out the truth. I grew and blossomed. In hind sight, I was so lucky that I shed those "friends".😊
❤❤❤
agreed. In the hospital, all alone, you find out who your real friends are.
Same thing happened to me. I learned I am my own best friend. I am always there for myself.
People are in your life for a reason and a season…. Sometimes the season ends.
Wow that must have been so difficult for you. I wish I had been your friend because I take friendship seriously. I had people that I thought were my friends too and I was soooo hurt. I vowed that I would not do this to anyone because I know how awful it feels when it happens. Well, at least you found out that they were not true friends. When the timing is right you will find true friends but, for now you be with yourself and heal. Sending you lots of love. 😀❤️
I stopped being friends with an old friend because the relationship was so one-sided. It was just always about her and her problems and she was never able to listen to mine. There are no good friends anymore.
I had a similar experience after 20 years of being friends with someone. I was getting ready to turn 50 and I started evaluating my life. I realized that she and I only really got together about twice a year and never even spoke on the phone in between visits. When we did meet, she talked about herself the entire visit. She never asked about my kids or me or my husband. I kind of started to suspect that she was just keeping me around because she felt superior to me. The final straw was when I took her to see a new house that my husband and I were having built and she had nothing nice to say about it and that was it. I never spoke to her again or returned her calls. I have a million other examples which I won't put in the comment section. I knew talking to her about it would change nothing, because this wasn't just a small, slight on her part, there was a history of this sort of behaviour. She could never really be happy for me. I then realized she really wasn't a very nice person and neither was her husband and I dreaded getting together with her because of this. That was ten years ago, and I don't regret it. Sometimes friendships just run their course.
@@chellejack3480: “Sometimes friendships just run their course”
Very, very true from my experience. I have had some close friendships just kind of fizzle out and die a natural death. No hard feelings just we drifted apart and conversations that were once easy and natural became forced and awkward.
Jealousy has sometimes been a factor in a relationship ending. My once best friend starting in high school was a brilliant student vs. me who was a B/B+ student so back then when grades were a main measuring stick of a student’s success and status he was in a superior position to me. But he went into government work for a career and I worked in private industry and our financial situations diverged pretty substantially. He started making some snarky remarks towards me and could never be happy for any success, especially financial, that I achieved.
There was a final straw event and I started the process of backing away from our years long and once very close friendship. We have not interacted with each other for over 2 years now and I don’t think we ever will again and I’m fine with that.
My exact experience! A 48 year friendship ended when tables turned and I needed her for a change and her response? "Watch Dr. Pimple Popper and count your blessings". Its been 3 years and looking back I realize how lop-sided the friendship was. How I didn't see it before...
There’s an abundance of Narcissists everywhere today. If you don’t know what a narcissist is then get busy and find out because becoming entangled with a narcissist is the very worst thing you can do. UA-cam has many good videos on narcissists are how to spot them, as well as information about how they harm people. Sam Vaknin is excellent, find his channel and listen to him once a day. Before long you will have all the insights you need to be able to sidestep these harmful people.
One person let you down. Big time. Just that one. Please do yourself a kindness and allow others into your life. Tread with caution, of course, but don't tar everyone with the same brush. Good luck!
I walked away from a long term friendship, our conversations always left me drained from her negativity and pessimism. I wish her well but I can’t be around her anymore.
I hear that! It’s exhausting and depressing. Feels very manipulative as well/self-centered.
I had the same experience. My friend still mourns our lost friendship but I just can’t be in that relationship. And how do you tell them it’s them?
It’s a relief when it’s finally over😅
She probably has similar feelings to you.Obviously it’s no love lost on either side All good….. so your point was?
@@Lbhacksaw Drama people need help and drain friendships.
at my age -- 86 -- my friends are all dying -- now THAT hurts
I’m soooo sorry, my mom is 89 and I know what you are going through. Love that you are on UA-cam connecting with people ❤❤ hope you’ll continue to comment on my videos. Thanks so much❤
I had a best friend since middle school, and we were incredibly close well into our adult years,...we .slowly stopped communicating.......Years later (I am now in my 60's), I decided to find her ...we had a warm phone reunion...sharing all those memories....my experience was that EVERYTHING was the same....we were 17 years old again.!!...but as I continued to reach out, it became clear that- I was a part of her past.. .. these highly unrealistic expectations on my part led to her ghosting me.
Yes it can go either way. I was so afraid to reach out to old college friends during covid. Maybe because it was a weird/lonely time we were all willing to try. But just as many women have shared that for them, like you said, the past is the past for many. Such a shame in the long run
To be flippant, a dog can be your best friend and their loyalty knows no bounds. I've lost a couple of friends and I could not figure out the reason and what I'd done wrong. In both cases I found out a number of years later that there was turmoil in their lives and in dealing with it, they didn't have the strength to nurture friendships. It can often be the "other" person, not you at fault.
That is so true.
Absolutely right!
I walked away from a 30 year friendship, I was so worn from the friendship. there is always a back story!
I was the one who walked away. She was a very good friend to me. I thought I was a good friend to her through her bad marriage, always there to listen. Then she started being mean to me sometimes and saying "I'm surrounded by idiots." And I asked her about that and she rolled her eyes.
Following the break up of her marriage, the friendship more or less died. I let it. I didn't pursue. And it's so peaceful.
I don't wish her ill, at all. I heard she's doing great and I'm so glad. I only want the best for her.
But I don't want to be a part of it.
@@bcd4562. Yup, my friendship was 50 years, and she suddenly belittled me, told mutual friends I was a loser. I was there emotionally, spent hours on the phone while she talked through problems, when her son physically assaulted her I dropped everything and drove 5 hours to be at her side, financially, during covid I supported her, and spiritually, but I became the bad person? I realized, after the initial pain that she was a drain on my happiness. Wished her luck and never looked back. Friendship should be a give and take relationship.
@@j.y.3604 I can understand your feelings. So sad she was treating you as sloppy seconds. Very rude and hurtful. Feel that way when family does that to me.
I walked away almost a year ago from my bestie of 10 years. She’s a functioning alcoholic and I got tired of her verbal abuse, lies and worrying she was going to hurt herself or worse. I still miss and love her, but it’s been better for my mental well-being.
You cross paths with so many people that aren't capable of maintaining long-term healthy relationships. BTW Im mom to two Border Collies:)
I knew a friend for 48 years but we grew apart & didn’t have allot in common anymore & I simply no longer enjoy her company anymore , she is always late like more than an hour & on her social media on her phone when you haven’t seen her for a year . I’ve tried over & over to give her more chances but nothing changed . I don’t miss her . Sometimes outgrowing a friend isn’t always a bad thing .
I agree, sometimes it is just the right time to move on. Thanks for commenting
I had a friend for over 20 years. During her life, she went through some serious problems and depression. I was there for her. I have kept a diary since the fifth grade. I was shocked by how years and how many times she didn’t answer my calls and never called me back. She is the most selfish person that I have ever met. The last time she called me I didn’t have my glasses on and answered the phone. I had planned on not speaking to her ever again. So when I said “hello” and I heard her voice, I hung up on her. I don’t regret doing it. Not one bit.
I had one of those.
Boundaries are so important. Good for you!
I have always said, if you have anyone in your life (friends or family) that is toxic, cut the strings. Some people are only in your life for a season.
So true!!
I can relate!
My ex friend of 35 years and I, led very different lives. She opted for marriage and stayed home with 3 children. I opted for a career, travel and no children. I was always the person she turned to when she needed advice, or if things were going pear shaped for her. Yet when I called her excited with good news my call would go to voice mail and I knew she wouldn’t call back for ages. Over the years she became increasingly jealous of practically everything and anything I did - be it with my career, men or places I went to. She copied continuously including buying the exact same things - which at the time said she didn’t like - and then lied about not liking it. I kept my tongue in my head but finally decided to call her out over something which I was deeply upset about - hoping she would if not agree with me, at least say she was sorry if that’s how I felt. As I suspected, neither! The flood gates peeked open and I gave her some serious home truths knowing she wouldn’t like it, but her reaction was irrelevant as I was completely done with her. That was 4 years ago and I’ve never missed her. I should have done it sooner.
PS All the best to everyone out there going through something similar 😊🇬🇧
Thanks for sharing. A lot to be learned for all of us in this same boat❤
I know that one. I was married with 2 kids and never had to work. Loved staying home, and yes I had a couple of friends/acquaintances who were quite jealous. While they were stressed out from their careers I had time for hobbies and traveling with my family during the summers and holidays. You can't stay friends with resentful people who aren't secure, nor try to change their circumstances to attain a life where they too are happy.
Jealousy is a big killer of friendships.
It was one of the issues that ended my long term relationship with my best friend of over 40 years. We first met as seniors in high school and were close as brothers for many years.
He married and had 2 children and while I also married my wife and I never had children. His 2 kids referred to me as Uncle Bob and my wife and I bought them presents every year for their birthdays and Xmas. We gave each child $10K for college.
Because we didn’t have children and both had good paying jobs my wife and I built up a good net worth and now live comfortably in retirement. My former best friend was jealous of our financial situation vs. his and would repeatedly make caustic remarks about it to me.
There was a final straw event about 6 years ago that caused me to back away from our once close friendship and we have now not had any contact for over 2 years. Because there were so many caustic events in our relationship I find I don’t miss him at all and am glad our relationship has ended.
Also, jealousy is really sneaky and hard to pick up on.
Mine seemed to happen over a period of 2 months. My ex-friend suddenly became quiet. I emailed her and she finally sent me an email saying she had moved on from our friendship. I am absolutely stunned. But God takes people out of a life for a reason. I am listening to God on this subject. I am almost over the hurt.
Don't blame God.This was a human choice.
@@peggygraham6129 I am not blaming God. You might have misunderstood. I am 77 years old and throughout my life, I truly believe that God has removed a person from my life for my good. He knew before I did that the person may lead me down the wrong path. Thank you for your comment so I could make myself better understood. I have lived with God in my life for a long time and He is truly sovereign.
Love this!
@@laurahillauthor I truly appreciated your video. I feel as if I was supposed to watch it. I felt spiritual confirmation and also considered what I needed to do to be a better friend. I praise our Lord for his guidance.
Hang in there -- while it's not easy dealing with being "let go" as a friend, you will meet new friends or acquaintances.
Hello Lauren. This video came up in my feed, and intrigued by the title of your video, I decided to watch it. I am a 55-year-old man who just recently also lost my best friend of over 20 years. However, the decline in our friendship began some time ago, and it was apparent that we had grown into different priorities in life and interests as well. Even though it was hard, it was also kind of liberating. I've been experiencing some health issues now as I am getting older, so on that side of the coin, it is nice to slow things down and just enjoy a bit of privacy in my life. I still have friends, and I still feel good about myself as a person. I have been writing songs and that is my passion. I miss hanging out with him sometimes, but at the same time, I'm glad we've both moved on. I enjoyed your video. You have a very warm and inviting personality. TY for sharing this.
Thanks so much for sharing!
When I lost my son tragically of suicide after the death of our only grandbaby as well - I lost many friends…..and to be honest there are some who I wish would go away. But mostly I ended 2 20 year friendships with women who were “narcissistic” to say the least. I felt that even in my traumatic grief - I was taking care of their feelings. I stopped that about a year ago and ended the relationships and felt incredibly liberated. Tragedies shake things up in a person’s life and things and relationships that were not healthy - fall away as well. It took me 8 years to figure it all out - my son will be gone for 9 this fall. I have never felt this whole in my life. What a price to pay however 💔❤️🩹Healing happens.
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss - and the awful behaviour of some of your friends. It’s so true that it’s at the worse times of our lives that you/we discover who are the true friends that claim to care for us. Best wishes from across the pond 😊🇬🇧
People are often superstitious about misfortune....those who get long illnesses usually have a complete change of relationships. I wish you the best...
I am sorry very sorry for your losses. I wish you peace. We are living in a difficult time however, some aspects of it force us to reckon with what has value and what is taking a toll on us. God bless you!
@@craiglist483 Thank you so much……the process of pruning away the dead continues in a way it never has before in my life. I am 72.
@@josimpson7999 Thank you…….yes…….I belong to a support group for Moms of only children who died in the military. We all say the same things about relationships - surprise at who was there and more surprise at who wasn’t. Blessings🕊️🇺🇸
As you age you no longer have time to waste on people who have or need constant drama in their lives, or are an addict (still). You look at the road ahead and realize your time on earth is very short.
Amen!!! I did a video on that topic ❤❤
Completely agree with this.
So a woman rudely commented on a comment that I made saying that no one was going to read my long-ass novel. Well if you don't want to read it keep moving but what I find really funny is that this video is about somebody being a terrible friend and then I have a stranger coming on and saying something really rude and mean to me. Holy Cow she must be a great great person in real life to her friends. Pretty funny that somebody so mean in their real world has to say things like that to a complete stranger.
@@babygrizwold What a terrible thing to say to anyone……..online or in person! I’m so sorry that happened. We never know who people are. Sometimes mental illness………
A bit ironic isn’t it!!!
W-A-A-A-H! ☹️😣😖😫😩🥺😢😭
To be completely honest with you, I always like the long comments, they come from the heart, and they usually are pretty good, because it takes a person time to write them, and they seem sincere. She was probably jealous cause she obviously can't express herself very well.
@@mtnwalkingdogwoman yes also it's very hard on here to be able to tell a little story or an experience without having a long comment. I read them as well. It doesn't take that long 😊
When I was younger, I used to think that having a lot of friends was ideal. As I get older, my husband is my best friend and I have a few women friends and acquaintances. Less is more peace for me now. Thanks for the talk.
Thanks for commenting❤
I stumbled across your video today. The same happened to me. You have to grieve the loss just as you would grieve the loss of a loved one - because after all - they are a loved one and it hurts. I love the way you describe how people no longer "have room at their table". That is a very elegant way to describe it. And thank you for the reminder that our lives constantly change - even as we age.
This happened to me, in exactly the same way, she had made new friends if a socal standing approved by her husband, I think. Some 5 years later after my husband passed away, she made brief contact again, no explanation, but by then I could accept. Thanks for putting it all into context
Thanks so much for watching and commenting. I agree!
I also walked away from a 40 yr old friendship. Sometimes, you have to decide whether this relationship is worth it. Does it cause you anxiety? I decided that it was better to walk away.
So true. Sometimes there is a reason to move on and that’s your decision. You have to put yourself first.
I did the same thing 2 years ago from a 30 year friendship. Our relationship used to be close as brothers but changes in our lives caused jealousy and resentment on his part towards me and there was a last straw event that caused me to have an epiphany and I withdrew from our long friendship and have no desire to try and resurrect it.
My friend of over 13 years has recently decided that her 82 year old male neighbour is more important to her than I am. We are both in our mid seventies. I bought her a car which cost me £7,000, as she couldn't afford one. I've also 'treated' her to many other quite expensive things for her home, and babysat her 3dogs (5 including my two), twice a year for over 8 years so she could visit her family 4 hours drive away. Since recently telling her I couldn't cope with 5 dogs anymore, her 'friendly' mask has slipped and it seems I'm yesterday's news! At least I have my dogs; they are loyal till the end. 😊🙋♀️🇬🇧
Sometimes the people we help the most are incapable of appreciating it. Love that you have your dogs. Me too!! Aren’t they the most loyal❤
It's always sad when you realise how much your friendship is really valued at.
A contingent of people are usually "thankful" until you draw a boundary. Then they disappear.
So sorry this happened to you. You were a giving friend and she was a taker :(
My 19 yr old sons friend dumped him hes known him since gr 1. He did it at the worst time while my son was diagnosed with epilepsy and his grandma has dementia. Im in shock and heart broken. People can be very cold!
Thank you Laura.
In my case, I started to make changes in my life after I faced a cancer scare. My goal was to strengthen my health. I learned about narcissism. I set some boundaries. Two so-called friends left. One I knew for 22 years while the other was 31 years. There was no argument or discussion. They just left. I was clearly stuck living in the lie that I had 2 people who cared.
I’m grateful that I have God on my side.✝️🙏🕊️
Yes! God is the one in my life also. He got me through a "Job" tribulation in my life and still takes care of me. I am His child!
Boundaries always scar the meanies away!!!! Hope your health is doing well❤
@@laurahillauthor Thank you Laura. I’m in the best health I have ever had. Yes the mean selfish people do leave when boundaries are involved.
Just my opinion. If you don't want to continue a relationship with someone, tell them. Ghosting is for cowards. As far as politics go, politicians come and go but true friendship is forever. That applies to family also. Thanks for the video. ❤
Amen!!!
as I said in my original comment... some people just don't listen. I told a particular friend repeatedly that I didn't want to talk on the phone every single day, and that I did not want to do things with her every single weekend. She still called me every day and showed up every weekend. If I didn't answer the phone/door she would be extremely hurt and bewildered. She was not hearing me. Sometimes ghosting is all you can do.
Someone would have a narrow view of the world for politics to break up a friendship. I have friends who have very different political affiliations-we may talk in generalities but usually avoid the topic so as not to offend the other.
@@anniesshenanigans3815. She left you with no other option!
she didnt care to listen
MY BEST FRIEND OF 38 YEARS DECIDED AFTER GETTING A PROMOTION AT WORK, THAT I WAS NO LONGER HER "CALIBER" OF FRIEND. IT HURT ME SO DEEPLY! THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO. I'M A RETIRED NURSE AND I'VE NEVER ALLOWED MYSELF TO GET CLOSE TO ANYONE (OTHER THAN FAMILY) SINCE THEN.
I bet you could find some great friends out there. Sometimes people we love feel like we are no longer a good fit It really hurts for a long time. Just don't let it rob you of the new people who may be out there!
This came at just the perfect time. I’m in my mid 50s and just graduated nursing school in May. My best friend we are so close. She doesn’t even return my text messages anymore and like you said, I don’t want to look like a stalker, but it was so sudden. Like our funny text messages went to not texting me back for two weeks or me having to text again. And I just did not understand it’s made me so depressed. I have not even taken my nursing boards. Like everyone is fake in the world is fake and at the end of the day I’m just a middle-aged white woman who needs to go sit down in a chair by herself. It’s embarrassing and I’m ashamed and I never saw it coming. I’ve been divorced many years ago and I don’t remember feeling hurt like this. I’m gonna think about what you said thank you so very much for posting this.
I meant to add that this friend was my friend all through nursing school in my class.
I know how bad it hurts, I had a dear friend stab me in the back very publically it was so embarrassing and cringy, I was mortified and so sad. Guess what other girlfriends helped me figure out…. She was jealous of me because I had a big accomplishment. That changed the balance in our relationship.I am betting your huge accomplishment
(congratulations btw) has her seeing green. The only thing she can hold over you is the friendship. I wonder if when you get to the point where it doesn’t hurt so bad you may see that the signs were there all along. Hang in there and throw yourself in to your new career and all the new people you are going to meet❤
@@stonecrestquiltahhh well she may have seen that you are much better suited to the new career. Maybe she wants to see herself as better than you
I'm so sorry you are hurting. If possible, my suggestion would be to either text, email or write a note letting her know you miss her and are open to knowing if you played a part in her not staying in touch as you once did. At least you will have tried and perhaps this will lift the weight off your shoulders and will take the nursing boards you must have worked so hard for.
@@laurahillauthorthis is so very true - there’s usually some type of jealousy involved.
Laura, this channel has been a blessing to me. It has helped me to understand some major hurts and breakups with friends. Thank you so much!!!
I’m so glad. Thank you for taking the time to tell me this.
Got tired of making all the effort and walked away.
People inevitably change. Sometimes long term friendships survive the changes and even thrive. Other times, the commonality once shared dissolves and in its absence, one or both friends follow their inclinations and move on. The hardest partings are when one person stops participating in the friendship while the other still treasures the old connection. While this discrepancy can be hurtful, it’s not life threatening. Instead, the end of an old friendship opens up opportunities to get out there and start new friendships. Appreciate the good memories, accept what is real right now and open your heart to new sources of affection and companionship. They are waiting for you.
You have hit the nail on the head. As my friends and I grapple with some of these disappointments over the years we have all come to the same place as you!
I had a friend over 45 years I walked away from as it was a fake friendship. She would only contact me when she wanted me to spend my money either buying a gift or spending it on home decor . She loved to bring up past boyfriends I had. We just don’t have anything in common anymore. And honestly I don’t need to be around someone who just wants to use me. She’s 65 years old and still thinks women are jealous of her. At her age there are so many other things to be concerned about than jealousy. I don’t need to be around a narcissist they are exhausting. It happens people grow apart.
I’m amazed at ‘our age’ how much of this we have all experienced
I cut off a friend of almost 10 years. I set boundaries and tried over and over for years. Final straw happened after very hurtful behavior that I knew was the end of me trying. Mutual friends and even not mutual at work asked subtle questions.... i just wished her well and said no more. What would be the point with somebody so entitled to be the only one who mattered?
Sometimes you have no other choice
A lesson I learned that took many years to figure out. I am loyal to a fault. When someone moved it hurt to the core that I could not function and just stayed away from deep relationships. I finally figured out that things change and people move in and out of your life. It took me until almost 60 yo to realize that. Working on opening up to people. Thanks for the advice.
You and I learned the lesson around the same time. That’s why I’m hoping that talking about these types of issues will help us, knowing we aren’t alone, thanks!
exactly. We have book chapters in our lives. Some people who were with us in chapter 5 are not meant to be with us in chapter 8. Yet instead of turning the pages forward we often try to turn back the pages to chapter 5...when we shouldn't. Doesn't mean those people are bad, wrong etc. Just means they were only meant to be us for THAT particular time.
I walked away from someone I considered a friend of 40 yrs. She took to criticizing me, over and over, jumping on ridiculous things and I realized she had an agenda. She has a habit of lying and misrepresenting herself, but of course she was ‘better’ than everyone else, did not hesitate to proclaim that. I decided she didn’t deserve the passes I had always given her, nor waste my time on her life of deceptions. When people lie, they are avoiding being caught at it and need to destroy the people who have been patient and forgiving. I was worth my own support. Good lesson of self-love and prioritizing.
Lying is a deal breaker for me too!
I can confirm that pickleball friends are not really “friends” in the truest sense. Trust me!
Hahaha thanks!!!
A couple of longtime friends who had ghosted me years before unfortunately only to go broke, get ill or lonely decided to circle the block …. only to find they’re BLOCKED.
USERS who suck the marrow out of your bones! 🦴💀
Love when this happens😂
In my 50's I have broken up with several friends for being disrespectful in a myriad of ways. Funny how menopause and the absence of hormones gives you that clarity. My life is SOOOO much easier without these selfish and angry women in it. Everything was about them and they had no manners.
Hindsight has led me to believe that the friends who have come and gone (and left me in the dust) have done me a great favor. Lessons learned.
Agree💯
I had a friend for over fifty years and didn’t realize how she considered my opinions, taste etc wrong. I realized that over the years that I kept my house the color of yours (yellow) because it offended her. Last time we got together she had to mention how she just hated those puffy vests and even more those hideous boots with those rings. I have down vests from white to black and ten pairs of Frye Harness boots. I had not seen her for at least ten years because I couldn’t make it to Thanksgiving because of forecast of a blizzard, a car with some serious issues and a son who was going through mental health issues. That was not enough of an excuse for her. We got stuck in a snow bank on the way to Psych Emergency. We didn’t speak for a decade. She called and invited me to stay with her in Florida…I accepted and we had two good days and while watching the final two episode of MAD Men I mentioned how handsome Jon Hamm was. “Only YOU would think he was handsome”. I left and got a hotel room closer to where my son and ex husband were. At the airport Vanity Fair magazine cover story..What is Hollywood’s Most Handsome Man Going to Do Now that MadMen is Ending? Very dapper Don Draper in a tux….wanted so bad to send that to her. Have spoken to her only once since when our friend died suddenly. She wanted to make plans to get together. I declined. Her daughter was off to college and she needed someone to control. Was not going to be me.
Congratulations on recognizing and removing this toxic ‘friend’ from your life. It’s not easy. The hard part being the recognition and reality of the relationship. Take a deep breath and realize how much happier you are.
Jon Hamm is handsome. I love vests and Frye boots (I have 2 pair), separately and together. Yellow is a lovely color. However, if I didn’t feel these things, I’d never say a word. I think she is jealous of you. I had a friend like her and we split 3 decades ago. She still reaches out to me every once in a while. No issues a complete sentence.
She was jealous of you for a long time
Stories like yours make me realize why I spend so much time alone. At age 63 I wish I could say I had many great, non-judgmental female friends but they are exceedingly rare. One must be a crack interior decorator (according to someone else's tastes), dress a certain way, have their hair a certain way, eat certain foods, drive a certain car etc in order to be accepted by some friends. It causes stress and anxiety to try to meet other people's standards and ideals. Pass!
Envious of your Frye boots! I have 2 pairs!
I have always been prone to being a caretaker. Sometimes you get a sudden realization that your friend is not your friend. Sometimes you realize a person you care a lot about doesn’t give a shite about you. I have had this happen and I ended those relationships. Now I pay better attention to the give and take in my relationships and don’t invest as much in the relationship if I don’t sense reciprocity.
We all bring expectations into every relationship and sometimes we never match up
Good for you. I've had the same experience.
The initial realization that they don’t care about you is devastating. I grieved the loss of a 37 year friendship. I realized later that she only needed me to do things for her and when that was no longer the issue, she moved on with a group of ladies that I had never heard of. She used me and that is painful to accept that she never really cared about me.
I bet she cared about you and the friendship until she changed. I would give yourself a lot more credit, but I know the feeling, and it is really painful to go through. You'll be a much better judge of character moving forward. Thanks for sharing.
@@laurahillauthor Thank you! I still struggle with the loss and question whether I am worthy of friends.
My best buddy was my army bud went to Iraq together....I went through unexpected divorce he let me stay at his house hes married 2x young kids.......I was grateful.... Got back on my feet started making great money with my new job. He fell on hard times with his job. I had money so I told him I would buy the kids school clothes boot sweaters coats for the winter he said thanks....I didnt want the kids to feel poor for they mentioned it to me a number of times....then after he calls me up and complains I am making him look like he is not providing for his family ???? angry like I did something to hurt him......I never replied.
sorry about that, thank you so much for your service. We can only try, some people cant accept kindness
I have had this happen to someone I was only pretending to be friends with she never really liked me BUT her mom did at least. So I lived to go hang out with her mom and in order to do that I had to ask her when I could come over. The girl was super popular and nice but never really liked me or acknowledged me even. It felt good to tell myself I had a friend at school but I didn't.
I think we have all idealized a relationship especially with a popular girl. part of figuring out who we are. thanks for sharing
My BFF of 50+ years accused me of improperly uploading a picture to FB, and wanted me to admit my sin to her! The problem was all created in her mind, there was no issue. So me standing up for myself caused WWIII and then she started bringing up every past hurt where I didn’t apologize in the correct way, and got herself all worked up and even admitted she was seething in anger. I can’t believe she’s throwing away a friendship of over 50 years over an imagined problem that doesn’t exist. She is SO prideful and self righteous, spewing scriptures at me too. Makes me sad, it I guess it’s time to walk away. 😢
wonder if she is going through some other kind of personnel crisis? Sounds like she came off the rails and you were just in the wrong pace at the wrong time. It seems weird but women often lash out at their closest friends first.
Yep, my 50 year friendship was lost when she didn’t like who I voted for. We’d always been polar opposites and made it work. But she couldn’t agree to disagree. It hurt but I decided I must not have meant to her what she meant to me and I’m perfectly fine now because I know what I brought to the relationship as the real giver. Truly I feel it’s her loss. You know even Jesus couldn’t please everybody.
My best friend said she would be there for me after my husband died 13 years ago.Of course I was terribly sad and grieving.She constantly said’You had it so good,why are you complaining now’.I thought this was pretty cruel but said nothing.Finally,after weeks,it got to me and I started to avoid her.She then rang,upset,saying,what had she done?Again I said nothing.Then I thought I was being unfair to her and I should trust the friendship.So,I rang her and told her how what she was saying was hurting me.She was angry,said she chose to be offended and put the phone down.I fully expected to see her,but no.I tried to speak to her when I saw her down the shops,but she just shunned me.This is how it has been for 13 years.As a person,I am disappointed in her,but have just moved on.If I see her I just say hullo.and keep going.She does not respond at all.Sad but what can one do.I tend now to have acquaintances,not close friends,as I just do not trust friendships.
💚
I'm a believer in addressing the problem when it happens. It still may not get the outcome you want, but to harbor it is not healthy for either person.
Usually we see the behaviors far before we do anything about it until something happens that we just can't overlook. She was telling you who she was when she made the comment about "why are you complaining now." What the hell did she think was going on??????
I’m so sorry. It really hurts for a long time 💔
As a single woman, I feel blessed to have several very close friends. They have been my delight, my lifeline, my champion, and yes, at times, my critics telling me things I needed to hear presented in a loving way. However much I love them all, I understand that it is also important for me to make new friends…younger ones who give me new perspectives, energy, and vitality; diverse friends who open up new worlds for me, and friends who can run at the same speed as me so I can still enjoy participating in physical activities. I learned the importance of this when, in a matter of two years, three of my very good friends died. It was such a loss that I am still grieving in my own way. If I wasn’t out there, building new friendships, I could easily become isolated, lonely, and more vulnerable to depression. I encourage everyone to honor their healthy long-term friendships, but also to keep building new friendships as a way to stay happy and healthy.
I love this so much!! I agree with every point. That's the message I hope women hear. Thank you!
Jealousy is a thing, it's ugly and it can even turn beyond whether its a friend, family or co workers
Jealousy is definitely a thing and it has ended a few friendships for me. A couple of people who I was close to when our financial circumstances were similar have fallen away as our respective financial positions changed. It’s sad but I guess that’s just the way some friendships end.
Relationships don’t fail..they end and that’s ok. I invite change in all things, ideas and people. Staying fluid and curious and staying present with an open heart. Ghosting isn’t kind. I’ve had discussions even short ones when I’ve discontinued a relationship even dating. People come and go and I’m happy for the time they were in my life whether it was 1 day or 30 years. We learned something from each other and I’m grateful.❤
Thanks for sharing this!
Wow what a balanced way of looking at life!
I recently lost my only close friend. We'd been friends for 45 years but she always let me know it was a reluctant friendship so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when she ended it--but I was. We're in our 80's, so neither of us have that much time left to be making new friends. After ghosting me for months, she finally sent me a message to let me know why she had ended the friendship so at least I got closure of a sort.
It is hard at any age. I’m
So glad we are all talking about this. Thank you for sharing.
I walked away from a friend that drained me. It was always about her. I didn’t feel supported.
And I bet you weren’t! I’m
Posting a video next Wednesday about Exhausting Friends!! They wear you out and constantly move the goal post on you
I had the same thing happen to me it really hurts but time is a good healer
It really is!!
I had to walk away from a 20yr friendship. Narcissist. I feel so much better since getting rid of the garbage 😊
me too……..same….
I did this with my sister. It was a relief to acknowledge that she needed to no longer be in my life. I was going thru medical issues and she wasn't anyone i could call or even expect support from. She didn't know the names of my grandkids or even how many i had, she never cared enough to ask. It was time to let go, move on and i have no guilt.
Same here ! Such a relief !
Narcissists are the worst!!!!
I walked away from a very long friendship based on political and religious differences. But I had the grace to tell her why.
Not worth loosing dear friends over politic in earnest we have little control over the World Economic forum agendas. It's so sad our brave new world. Hope thisork out
@@BeaArk1977absolutely, and never fall out over religious nonsense.
@@BeaArk1977 We have COMPLETE control over the WEF agenda.
That’s awesome, I like how you said the grace to tell her why.
@@EyesWideOpen-g7e You just posted what I recently went through with a friend of 35 years. We both are 70s, lost our husbands. She always talked non stop, had control issues, more money than God, yet we had our love of animals and nature as glue. Always kept in touch. Hadn't visited in 10 years until last month. OMG, I couldn't wait to leave. She contradicted 90% of what very little I could get in edgewise. I'm conservative and spiritual. She morphed into a complete feminist over the top liberal who spouted non stop about all the conspiracy theories "those damn conservatives" believe in blah, blah, blah. Pushed at me for everything that was different then her opinions. I'm still recovering!
People tell us they want us in their life by how they treat us. And most people who don’t treat us well will not admit that to themselves or others.
You are so right.
Yah, some claim to be your best friends but, they aren’t even there for you but, yet when, they need something they come running! I met someone in 3rd grade and, then, again we were in 7th grade. But, as she got older she had no qualms in asking me to pay her way if we went somewhere, or if we were going out to the movie or out to eat, she’d always tell me she’d take and, pay me back later and, never did! Her dismissive behavior became more apparent! As we got older and, I was going through some things she’d promised to be there for me and help get me through it, after a few days she’d stop contacting me. Sure enough though she’d make sure she’d get in touch with me if she needed something and, she just expected me to give to her freely, then, when, I wouldn’t she’d lay the guilt trip on me! I just got fed up and, had enough, she didn’t want me as friend, she just wanted someone to give to her when, everyone turned their back on her! But, I don’t feel guilty whatsoever and, I ended not be the only one who turned their back on her! I also have family members know what, I have got going on but, yet, because, they can’t but, have family that help them but, yet, I moved as they please! I have a neighbor that well, thinks cause, she has money she can do as she pleases and, thinks the rules don’t apply to her! So, I rarely ask for help from a neighbor that surprisingly will help me. But, she keeps demanding, I need to become friends with her and, well, this last time she told me somethings about my neighbor and,things you know you don’t want in a friendship! You also don’t need people telling you who to have friendships with, especially after someone tells you they done them dirty, well, why would you even trust them after that? lol Some people, you are better off keeping your own company than, to allow people to think they can walk all over you! 0:15
So very wise❤ thanks for sharing
What a great quote I've written it down.
I had called this woman "friend" for years and then realized we need to be careful with that word. This woman, after almost 40 years, was never more than and acquaintance. Every meeting was cool and impersonal. It never grew. She moved on and this realization helped to define what we we had.
Amen
This happened to me, a friendship of 22 years and one day she just never picked up or returned my calls again. I saw her do this to someone else years prior but didn’t think she’d do it to me.
It’s seems to be a pattern with some people
@@laurahillauthor definitely, it’s a terrible thing to do to someone.
People and relationships change. Sometimes friendships become more of an old habit and really aren't fulfilling anymore. Even if you truly care about a long time friend, it's not always good to hang on to them.
I had a long-term friendship that began leaving me exhausted. When I tried to politely talk about it, nothing changed. I gave it a lot of thought and finally decided to walk away. I do wish them all the best in life and I'm less stressed now. Keep people in your life that are honest, like minded and kind.
They sure do change! My divorced and retired friend went on Ozempic to lose weight and has never looked slimmer. Now she’s on a manhunt! Meanwhile, my own 45 pound weight loss success is completely gone after I gave up the Keto lifestyle. I will laugh at this situation because it’s kinda funny and I will eat some carbs! Friends change on both sides.
You get to come first!❤
I am very careful to give people space. Not to become possessive of people. We dont own each other, no matter what the circumstances. I was friendly with someone who i felt was too clingy and needy, eventually it ended. My rule about contacting people is after two unanswered phone calls or texts i never get in touch again. As long as i know they have someone in their life to know if they are unwell or needed help, then i am happy to leave it to them to get in touch with me if they want to. If not, after about 2 to 3 weeks of feeling a bit hurt i forget about it. People change and have different things going on in their lives, wish them well and move on.😊
Hello Laura, I can relate on the other side of this. I had a close friendship for nearly 15+ years and through some turbulent times (leading up to and divorcing), my friend was always there for me. Although it came with criticisms at times, when I didn't (deal with my ex) her way, ultimately we were caught in a conversation cycle that focused on the hell I and my kids were still going through. I attempted to talk to her about wanting to keep our chats on happier notes (my depression was pretty bad by this time) to no avail. So, I did what I never thought I would, by not responding to an email and after nearly 6 years when I felt more healed & missed her friendship deeply. I wrote her (& another friend) an apology letter via mail asking for their forgiveness I didn't feel I deserved along with gratitude for all that they meant to me. I was utterly humbled and surprised by both of their replies of "no need to apologize, life is hard" and we have been close ever since. Talk about a divine blessing and deeply grateful to them.
This is beautiful and a good lesson. Thanks so much for sharing❤❤
Wow, I'm going through this exact thing right now. Thanks for the powerful perspective and comments! People evolve and change; friends ebb and flow. But the type of character flaw required to ghost a supposed friend suddenly (and without cause) has no place in my life. Painful and confusing, but good riddance.
I had a very good friend ghost me - I never quite knew what happened. I was having dreams where this ex-friend and I were supposed to go on a trip only I could never get my things packed. I figured out it must have been related to no closure. I am now more guarded and particular about people I consider friends.
@@bdcorgimomI have lost friends ? After 40 years? Hurts!
People don't leave without cause.
@@irenedavo3768so bad!
@@littlemissy8356the problem is when they don’t respect you enough to tell you why. Moving on isn’t the problem I don’t think but ,
maybe it’s the lack of respect?
There is always a thought that maybe we are the problem in that friendship.
So true. I think for most of us we feel bad because we assume we must have done something.
@@laurahillauthor I seriously mean that we can be the problem!
@@janicegordon3705 I know I am the problem sometimes.
@@janicegordon3705 True, it's biblical to examine ourselves...
All of the testimonies really make me sad.. I hate so see people hurt or betrayed. It’s such a hard thing to live through next to someone dying.
So true💔
Went through an absolute awful experience and when I looked around and all the so called friends were nowhere to be seen, I realised I’d been flying over oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump a puddle for me, it was sad but as my health and life has improved I am so much happier without the expectations and demands of those people.
You will enjoy my video tomorrow on ‘exhausting’ friends. Happy you found peace❤
I've heard it said that you end up with just a few people you can truly call friends. I'm starting to believe this is true.
and life is a lot better for it!!
My Mom stopped talking to her friend of 40 years and all of her family on election day 2016.... she has not talked to them since and says she has no regrets. My Mom is very happy.
I have heard this same story so many times. Politics has ruined so many friendships🤯
I miss the days when we were kind and accepting of people based on them and not on politics or the church they go to. Stop calling people evil. Not your job to judge.
@@grt764 there is such a thing as shunning and ostracizing. When you’re judging uses those tools you are the tool bag. Bring people together on Sunday, or at the polls. Stop dehumanizing people you don’t know.
Oh they can't help themselves, bullying behavior. I try to see the good in people. But respect and honesty is truly lacking. They tell liberals we are hateful and their examples are made up lies anyone can see through. Then they have the nerve after belittling you to say "have a nice day" they all do it.
Some are worse.
I am late diagnosed autistic. Coming out as autistic late in life and unmasking caused me to lose 99% of my friends and relatives. That tells a sad story about the quality of those relationships all along.
I’m so sorry about that. I suspect I, too, am on the spectrum. I’m curious about what you unmasked about yourself that was a deal breaker for them. I am an extreme introvert and that always seems to be a problem in friendships, as one would except. I can’t talk endlessly on the phone everyday about nothing. I found myself getting so angry every time the phone rang. That’s not normal for people that aren’t neurodivergent. I am also very honest so it became too hard for me to pretend (mask)to be okay with my needs being minimized. I’m much happier if I have my alone time. Your issues may be different than mine but I wish you peace.
I’m so sorry💔 as if it isn’t enough to have to deal with a difficult diagnosis. So many people lack empathy and understanding. ❤
Yup, over 60 and just realized in the past year that I am neurodivergent! I made one small post of FB hinting at being such and my cousin called and peppered me with questions. I asked him why the sudden call and he gave me a lame answer. He is a psychologist. 😅 What he doesn’t get is that I am at the top of the spectrum and my quirks don’t show most of the time. Only when I am nervous or in new situations do they pop up! Guess he thought he could tell in 10 minutes, even though it took me my whole life to figure it out.
Honestly, if you can count your true friends on one hand your lucky. Healthy relationships are about give and take. And being authentic. Telling the truth with love. ❤❤❤❤
Amen!!
I am 62 and I am happily lonely. I have my family but few friends and I am ok with that . Did all that in the past, friends and work etc. Now is me time
Same. Im 62 as well. Im done with friends…they just dont know how to reciprocate the friendship..im done doing all the work. My best friend is myself, we have fun, we have plenty to occupy our time aside from work. We get along well (most of the time). And when we want to do something we dont have to wait for someone to do it with us! Ive had enough of getting hurt or just plain disappointed in people.
I'm 63. Once had many many friends and was highly social. I've slowed down for various reasons and get hassled by some women for not "staying in touch" and/or "going out" enough. I never married or had kids so I've been "going out" for 45 years! Leave me alone, ladies and just be pleasant when we get together, that way we can preserve the friendship. If I get hassled or guilt-tripped these days (and yes, it happens), I simply distance - sayonara! Unless of course I've done something selfish, hurtful or egregious, then I'll apologize with tail between legs and own up to it! It's just easier and less stressful to be alone it seems. If I can't make it to your event, there's a good reason or maybe I'm just not feeling up to it. Women need to stop with the pressure, gossip and competition! Sometimes it's lonely to be a somewhat loner at this point, but I have my man friend, my old faithful friends who don't pressure me, my casual/fun friends, strangers I do small talk with and my dog. I just want peace. PEACE!
Love your outlook !
I ended a long term friendship recently. We had been friends for over 30 years. The “friend” may feel it ended abruptly, but it did not. I felt she was sucking the life out of me with her constant pessimism. I tried to put up boundaries on what we talked about but she just wouldn’t abide. I was falling into a depressive pit partly due to her negativity and partly due to family issues. I tried to talk to her about my mental state dealing with some difficult family stuff and how I just needed to surround myself with positivity at the time. But she couldn’t and wouldn’t. So for my own wellbeing I severed the friendship. I miss the good times, which there were some, but I feel a huge weight has been lifted from me.
You make good points. Sometimes we just aren’t on the same page it’s definitely a learning curve. I’ve been on both sides to
Sometimes leaving is best for both. Going over the cause for "closure" is often just punishment for one or both. Best to just go.
And sometimes talking it out just causes more hurt
I tried to talk to my former BF, but it was all about her. I never got a word in. Have not talked to her since and it’s been three years. I’m glad it’s over as we both changed over the years and I like to have kinder people around me.
I really hate society today its so narcissistic. People are objects to be thrown away. Hardly worth investing in friendships.
It can certainly seem bleak at times
It was a relief for me to have a high-maintenance friend walked away from my life. I feel so much lighter.
Yes! Sometimes it such a relief. I’ll be doing a video on what I call ‘exhausting’ friendships. Thanks
I had a friendship of 31 years (much like your video) that devastated me. It's been about 3 years since and at times I still feel the loss as hard. I thought of her as a sister and her family as mine so I lost an entire family. At that time I felt as if they were all I had beside my own immediate family. This far out of it I do see that I do have more friends but I will never get that close to someone again. I feel it is worse than a death because I see her around but there is no contact. I am at a loss as to why except that new friends came in and I was out.
The same thing happened to me gradually over 6 years. Still bothers me but honestly in my case I should have seen it coming. My friend group now is not so demanding and I feel appreciated
My friend and I of 40 went our separate ways because of politics. We were so far apart in our core beliefs that we could not even be together in person anymore. We text about twice per year about life updates. I love her, but as of now, this relationship should be the way it is. It is much more peaceful this way.
I lost a friend over politics. I felt bad at first, but I got over it. It is so much more pleasant to be with like-minded people.
@@Kathy-ml9dk I don’t want to walk on eggshells with people I spend time with.
Politics these days say so much about the character of people by who they support. Even families have been ripped apart by having to acknowledge the true moral character of people you love.
I lost a friend because of the last election! We respond to each other on facebook posts but that's about it! We went to nursing school together 46 yrs ago and she let politics come between us. I couldn't believe it at first, but I'm not going to stress over it.
Politics are so stupid. It's terrible what this fake left and right paradigm has done to people.
I say, “Good Riddance”😂😂😂🤣🤣
Good for you!
Unfortunately my brother and his wife have cut me out of their lives. I actually feel so much better. It’s been 2 yrs.
Sounds like you are better off. Family can be just as bad as friends
I’d advise you never to worry about somebody who doesn’t want to be your friend. LET THEM and keep going about your own life.
I understand that it can hurt when a friendship ends- I became a Christian a few years ago. Needless to say it completely changed who I was and it was difficult for some of my non-believer friends. I was no longer interested in the same things. My behaviors changed. My attitude changed. As I grew and matured in my relationship with Christ, I saw things in who I had been that I did not like, and I didn’t want to live that way any longer. I love my friends and wanted to keep them in my life, but I wasn’t going to compromise my relationship with Christ- an example of a situation that became uncomfortable was when I did not want to go to Las Vegas for a friends 50th birthday. A year before that I would have gone and not thought twice of it- my friends told me that I was taking my Christian life too and becoming boring-I totally understood because they weren’t believers- I left the group- not with any anger or drama, but understood that my friend base had changed based on where I am in my life- it was sad and I went through a grieving process. I guess you could say because these were people I had known for 10 or 15 years.-but God has been good and he has given me a whole bunch of different friends💜
You make a great point, sometimes we move on because we have to….a greater calling. Each one of us is on our own journey and friendships end for so many different reasons. Thanks for sharing ❤
I'm a born again Christian and I'm so happy for you. It hurts to lose friends but Jesus will never leave you. ❤
@@amybird460 Never !
I'm a Christian and have learned nobody comes with a guarantee except the Lord. Even me. Christian friendships can end, too. So be it if reconciliation is impossible.
I had to go no contact with a Christian in law on the death of my husband. She majored in mental cruelty and malice against me and my heartbroken children . No regrets. Letting go gently is okay to do.
Same here. It's biblical to come out from among them. However, if they should ever call, I keep it peaceful and try to show my love to them in/through Christ. The sanctification process is not always easy, but necessary...💕
Right before Covid I rekindled a childhood friendship after she got in touch with me. We had not really spoken for over 30 years except birthday and Christmas cards. She had said things back then to deliberately hurt my feelings, so I just let her be. I thought maybe things had changed so we visited and exchanged emails. For a while, things seemed good, I forgave her for the past and thought we were friends. Then came the vaccines. I voiced my concerns and said I was not going to take it. That was it. She stopped all communications. She even got together a class reunion and deliberately did not invite me. That hurt so much. All over a vaccine.
SOOOO many people had the same thing happen. 💔
Thank u for addressing this important topic.
Thanks so much for watching!
That happened to me. Friends for over 30 years. She dropped me after our last girl trip to California wineries. I noticed on the trip she would get irritated when people complemented me, or if anyone paid attention to me and not her. I tried to contact her and after a few attempts to try to find out what I said or did,mor what happened, she still didn’t respond. I talked with her daughter and she said, “Well you know how she can be.” The. I let it go. It hurt but it hurt worse to hang onto it. People change and come and go in our lives. Great video, thanks for sharing it❤
Thanks for sharing. We have all been there💔
@@laurahillauthor ❤️
Laura, I AM A LOVE BOMBER, and I didn't know I was. I am an introvert who draws people to me because I love to know about people. I am very genuine in my interest and ask lots of questions. I also will easily share experiences of my own life. Too much sharing! This triggers me to want to "escape", I will completely disappear without explanation. Because I know this behavior about myself, I have chosen for now about a five-year period to completely withdraw from activities and social circles. Thank you so much for your videos about y our experience with individuals like myself. i will consciously reign myself in when I meet new people. You have changed my life! Thank you! Elizabeth
Ooooohhh I think that I am the too actually, very good comment and really made me self reflect, I know I am a massive people pleaser and feel like I share too much too soon. I too do the disappearing all of a sudden move...
We all do the best we can do. At my age I’ve been on both sides of these crazy relationships over the years. Self awareness is all we can ask of ourselves.
I can totally relate to your comment. I do this.
In response to this video, and thank❤you Laura. Also in response to a comment regarding the ones who are givers and takers in a friendship.
I consider myself a giver to most of my close friend relationships. I’ve walked away from two friendships in an abrupt manner. I felt that one friendship that was a phone relationship for many many years, and seen each other three times within those years. The one day my life time, i moved closer to her, still quite a distance but not across the country. I felt like I was being judged for having more, or having a better lifestyle or money or…. I don’t know. I felt in some way I was being judged for whatever…. This friend knew I had good heart, she told me that. But as the friendship continued, I just at times couldn’t shake off the feeling, that I was being judged. So I cut off the friendship abruptly. It was hard, but I refuse to be looked upon that way, especially, I’ve been so kind, and giving from my heart.
I did the same thing to another friend of 20 years. Her life had taken a change, divorce… etc… We kept the friendship going, and it was good, not the same, but good. I moved, out of the state, and as I tried to keep the friendship, and her too, I could tell she wasn’t interested in our friendship as much as I wanted to keep it. So BAM!!💥 I ended it abruptly. I did this because the feeling of trying keep something going that just isn’t there, and they want to treat me like that?? No mam, or no sir….or no way!! Not doing it.
Thank you Laura for having this platform. I’m retired, dealing with extended family from out of state, etc… etc… Your channel is helping me to understand what I am going through, regarding friends/relationships.❤❤❤
Thanks so much for sharing this. Friendship is complicated and it doesn’t always grow and change with our lives. Glad you found the channel
Sometimes the friend we've walked away from has become so familiar with you that she treats you with disrespect...like kids do with a younger sibling. But that friend doesn't look like that to other people...then you become the problem and are disliked by others who don't understand. I've learned to have better boundaries and not keep friends just for convenience sake.
Indeed; hence they saying "familiarity breeds contempt."
That is exactly what happened to me about 6 years ago
I walked away from a buddy I knew for 20 years . Never had a good word , it was draining over time . I went on a motorcycle trip with mutual friends , 5000 miles driven and 21 days on the road … never heard a peep. Told me all I needed to know ,
Sometimes people show their true self don’t they. Thanks for commenting
My friend of 60 years left me. In retrospect, it was pretty much a one-sided relationship. She was the “Queen Bee”, and I indulged her. Finally, when I called her on it, she couldn’t deal with it. I never did find a replacement, but I do have a wonderful soul-mate.
I’m sorry that happened but we usually realize after the fact that they were never as invested as we were.
I've had so many wonderful friends over my university and working life but now we are scattered around the globe (this happens in academic life), and I don't try to maintain pen friend relationships with people I will never meet again in person. We don't share our lives anymore. I still love those friends in memory. I live a fairly solitary retired life now but I have had great friendships and am content. I'm good at solitude and I have sisters who are the best. I don't feel the need for acquaintances with whom I don't really have much in common - it's an effort.
I get that. Seems rather silly to swap a card every year til we leave this earth…if that’s all it really is. IMO
So comfortable to be in a place where you feel content. We are all so different aren't we? Thanks
its nicer if there is some personnel contact too! I always wondered about those Christmas letters with every single thing that happened in their lives but coming from people you had zero other contact with.lol
We learn life lessons at the wrong end of life
So true. If I only knew then what I know now
There is a season for everything, even the loss of a friendship. Might end up being a real blessing. Br thankful for the years you did share and look forward to moving on to new friendships.
absolutely!
I had a friend do this. It was hurtful to me and my kids (grade school at the time. She was (single and childless) and she was Godmother to my oldest child. My husband had died and I really was struggling with being a single mother and balancing life. This “friend” told me the Christmas after my husband died that it would be the last get together we would have. She didn’t think I was giving her the attention I should or spending time with her as I should. I tried reaching out later but no response. This was 20 years ago and it is still hurtful and my child who is obviously an adult now is also still hurt by her Godmother’s action.
I feel this so profoundly. Some people have no idea how hurtful their actions are. They get close to you just to hurt you💔it’s their problem, not yours!
I just found this video and found it to be so helpful and down to earth. It’s so easy to go down the rabbit hole of pain when these things happen, but as you reminded us, life is always full of change. People change, lives change, circumstances, etc. Stay on the lookout so you’re not blindsided if a friendship ends, and know it’s very often not about you or anything you’ve done or are lacking. Thank you!
Good point!!
You’re so kind! I’m so glad you found the channel❤
I have walked away from a very long friendship because my friend just was never there for me in the way I thought a good friend should be, as I walked through a couple of deep life crises, and one big reason to celebrate. Her responses were so inadequate to the situation over several years. Perhaps, if a long-term friend cools toward you, it is a good idea to reflect on your own inability to connect and empathize with that friend’s life.
You really learn a lot about another persons ‘investment’ in your friendship when the relationship is tested either during tough times or celebratory times❤
❤
I walked away from a person whom I labeled a bff for about 14 years. It was clear to me that she did not respect me or my boundaries. She was secretive and I believe that she was jealous of me. We didn’t share core values. The relationship was not healthy. It was in my best interest to end it, and that I did. It has been a year and five months that I walked away.
You were brave and smart to walk away
Important Conversation. While some friendships are not meant to last forever, when a friendship over a period of years ends, it makes me reflect on that perhaps there was something not authentic in the friendship. Often one can confuse a convenient work or social relationship to that of a dear friend. There can be a pain to the loss of a friendship. I've gotten more philosophical about loosing and gaining friends as I age. My husband is my best friend and is my rock.
Yes, there can be a lack of authenticity in friendships. I had a 38-year friendship that was based on shared interests and some personal sharing. It was hard as we aged because we went from being the same degree of income and life circumstances to one of us becoming poorer and the other becoming more well off. I have another friendship that is in trouble because the lady found out I'm a little smarter than she wants me to be. I can't help how my mind works!
I'm also fortunate that my husband is a true friend.
@@marymorris6897 Thanks for your thoughtful comment! Yes, as our life circumstances change, so do our friendships. I find the older that I become it is more difficult to make new friendships, part of that is that I want friendships to be more authentic.
There is a channel on You Tube that encapsulates this well & its a couple that moved from the Portland area to the countryside of France. The husband is in touch with his feelings & has stated that if he can't have an indepth connection with others, he's not really interested in friends. He has a great connection with his wife, he has grown sons that he is close to. Clearly he's not talking about striking up a conversation with a neighbor or being pleasant with someone in a café..
Love what you’ve said. I’m where you are. Thanks for taking the time to comment❤
@@laurahillauthor Thanks for your reply, you are offering great content for your community!
@@laurahillauthor Thank you, Laura.
My husband and I have pretty much given up on friends. We’ve had so many difficult relationships that we just focus on family. The best friends we’ve had ended up having to move ( we live in a somewhat transient area) for work or to be near family. We are much happier now with people we trust and who love us as we love them.
I grew up constantly moving. It has made me a lot more tentative making friends as an adult.