A family friend told me "practice makes improvement". I was around 13 years old and never forgot it. Everytime someone said practice makes perfect. I would say "no, practice makes improvement".lol
perfect practice makes perfect improper practice makes you worse helps engage you and others on how to pay attention the entire time because everyone wants to get whatever they are practicing right
I have recently been listening to your videos and following your leads I have found your strategies useful on dealing with kids and teenagers I have them both . You are right and strongly agree with you that we should love our children thanks
Pregnant with my first child; best time to start learning how to parent and what I would want for my child, will definitely be taking notes on all your videos!
Congratulations Abigail - parenting is a great adventure, and a huge responsibility. You'll find lots of topics here in our Positive Parenting playlist on the channel. I think you would also love the Parenting Power-up Audio Course that Vicki (my wife) and I just recorded. You can get a free sample listen here: parentingpowerup.com
You are going to be a great mother!! I did the same thing and I was only 3 months preg at the time 😂 but you know what, we are just making sure the kids are our first priority. 🙏🙏
You know what I noticed? Avoiding these and trying the alternative words will require you to spend a lot of time and energy having conversations with your children. I think we often use these to keep things short, to carry on with our chores, to save time and energy.
Astute observation Ayana - I think you're right. We probably have to do a little more thinking and work a litter harder than we want to - but really not as much as we fear it will be. Also, you would probably like the Parenting Power-up Audio Course that's coming out soon. We have some specific tips and tricks for parents that you might find very helpful. Connect here: parentingpowerup.com - DrPaul
Oh ..hearing all these makes ME feel so guilty especially that i'm still coping with Post partum depression. It's really really difficult to become a Mom especially when Your husband doesn't support you.
No guilt, Eurosine Bantillo. Deal with the post partum first and try to find some support from a friend or group. Talk to your OB or midwife. Hang in there.
Eurs VB Mompreneur I have a husband that fights against me on raising a teenager . Had I known he would’ve turned out that way I would’ve divorced him b4 I had a child by him. Get out now while you can, you and your child will be better off in the long run.
So complicated to be parents. We all need a degree in psychology to handle the job. Then again are the psychologist perfect parents? I guess not. We can only try our best and give them love they need and forgive us about our mistakes. Life is not black and white and no one is perfect. Anyway thank you for your guide line.
I'm 24 years old and still single. I am a victim of Emotional Neglect from my Parent and still suffering until now. I don't want my future kids to be in my situation. And so Im trying to research articles or video clips on how to make my future son/daughter healthy emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
James, you sound like a very caring, insightful and wise young man. You're on a good path. I believe you will be a fantastic father one day. I wouldn't refer to myself as a victim if I were you. You're an overcomer, exhibiting empathy and learning relationship and parenting skills along your journey. Jesus will definitely help you if you call on Him. Bless you always.
You're awesome 🙂. The fact that you're concerned about being a good parent some day while you're young shows that you care and you will be a good parent someday!!
“I’m 24 years old and still single” some of the best times of your life are waiting. Your partner is out there, do not feel rushed to start a serious relationship while you are still dealing with deep emotional issues. Spend your 20’s healing and working on yourself and the rest will fall into place. 🙏🏼
Wow, I just about say this whole list to my child! I never realized how my own words are affecting my relationship with my son. Thank you for helping me learn better alternatives!
There’s definitely great advice and intention in this video. I just want to point out that the pendulum swing of modern parenting psychology has gone from the authoritarian parenting type in the 50s-80s to current day: “make sure you don’t ever say anything that would remotely hurt their feelings.” I am all about balance. I don’t see anything wrong with telling my child “great job” or “be careful when doing X.” In my opinion, all this advice is going a bit far in the feelings realm and making good parents feel like they need to over analyze every single thing they say. We should definitely be conscious of our role model and language we use with our children; however, this advice makes you doubt even basic parenting phrases. As I mentioned earlier, I appreciate the video, I listened to it, took from it what was valuable to me and left the rest where I found it.
Perfect, Blerina C. I always tell people to put what they hear through their truth filter. It will be different for different people and you know your child best. Thanks for watching.
The most elusive word is "balance". And that is not a universal. Everyone's idea of balance is different. Your comment shows your estimate of balance is different than the speaker's. I don't think the message "makes" anyone feel any one thing. Your reaction may enlighten you about things you are sensitive to. Good parents can choose from this information what they want, not need, to analyze, and analyze short of overanalyzing. The speaker could have a point, you could have a point. I'm open to considering the information without any particular judgment about it.
Thanks for watching Nile and Moon - Honored to be on your parenting team! Look through the Positive Parenting playlist for some more ideas. I think you would also love the Parenting Power-up Audio Course that my wife Vicki and I just recorded. Get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com DrPaul
imy baby just turned 1 on the 3rd, and i always say "you're ok", or "its ok" if he has a little tumble because i thought it might make him More upset if i were to make a big fuss.
I have a daughter, and I am currently on a weight loss plan, I try to make sure she knows she's beautiful no matter what her size is, and that mom is just trying to be healthy, not "hot" or "skinny". She is a healthy weight, I would never tell her she needs to lose weight, even if she was overweight. I would gently encourage healthy choices, but balance by having a treat every once in awhile is okay, and when I have a treat I tell her I can because I want to and it's perfectly fine as long as I dont go crazy and have a lot of it. More than likely your mom is unaware of how her "journey " is affecting you. If you have an open dialogue with her, tell her how it makes you feel, maybe encourage her to not talk about it so much. You are a beautiful young lady, no matter what your size is, have a blessed day!
I really get tired of people that beat up on their parents , my parents weren't perfect , but they taught me to think for myself , work hard and be independent , and my dad taught me to trust my instincts , thanks mom and dad ♥️
You’ve clearly never been abused mate. Hate what u like, but peoples lives aren’t up to your personal thoughts. A son who’s mother emotionally abused them there whole life left them so insecure and hopeless they rather drive into a tree or blow off there heads because they can’t function knowing not even there mother cant love them, or a daughter who’s whole life there dad would touch them, just friendly. But then it turns into something else and before u know it that daughter is ruining her own life because she can’t deal with the trauma its caused her and ends up ending there life from the pain and shame they feel. Not one of these kids asked to be born or to be brought into a world where not only where they ruined from the start, but also all the years growing up they did not have one day without pain, a unloving parent and neglect. People can hate there, boss who provides them there life because without them they would be homeless. And when you’ve grown up with abuse, you have a every right to hate your parent or parents because they stole your child hood and entire life. Just my take on it, abit late to the party, lol but i can see your point of view. But saying you’re tired of people hating there parents speaks volumes no? If so many people have gone through pain and true trauma because their parents, maybe your really tired of is all the unfit parents who have children knowing they are children themselves and will only damage them because they them selves are damaged. Regardless, take it easy mate. No hate on your view. Just maybe you should look at it abit deeper. Its hard to know what its like to be shot, without ever getting shot. As its hard to know true damaging words or actions parents say to there children then ruin them for life.
Oh my gosh. Two things i knew from a very young age was that my mom had self esteem issues and that we were poor. It made me accept the fact that being self conscious was just part of being a woman and that I was just poor and things were just supposed to be this way.
I watch some of your videos with my darling 9 yo. He said “this person literally transformed into me and speaks what I am thinking.” Thank you for your videos; I cannot go on one day w/o them.
I love that you brought up the don't talk to strangers. My kids have been told that by not only my husband & I but also adults at school. As tweens (with autism), they have taken this advice so literally that they won't even talk to the waitress at a restaurant or say sorry, if they bump into someone at the store. We have tried to clarify what we mean by "strangers" but it taking some effort to undo. Wish I had gotten this advice when they were much younger.
Yes - especially with spectrum issues, teaching that discernment can be tricky. There are times when it is very socially appropriate to talk to strangers. Thanks for watching April! DrPaul
1) Great Job! 2) Practice makes perfect 3) You're ok? 4) Hurry up 5) I am on Diet 6) We can't afford that. 7) Don't talk to stranger. 8) Be careful 9) No Desert until you finish your dinner. 10) Let me help.
I’m 45 and a mess from a lot of things my parents did and said that undermined my development in so many subtle ways. No one wants to hear it cuz I wasn’t beaten starved abused homeless etc but I’ve since been many of those things and developed addictions because of the cumulative effects. And guess what Dr Phil doesn’t want to help-Dads dead-Moms too old n defensive to talk with about it and my only sibling who left at 18 to move cross country n isn’t coming back tells me to get over it....I’m at a loss. Old tired unemployed drinking too much and there is no where to go!! Please folks-TAKE THIS ADVICE!! Those little things matter-I remember many little things but if I try now that I realize to talk to my Mom she just gets mad n says she did the best she could--which I KNOW. But I need support just to listen n understand how it made me FEEL and I can’t get that in any quarter. Words mean something-choose yours with care!
Yes, words matter. Thanks for your comments Lerycka Lee. Some good news... It's not too late to claim your joy. Watch the intro video on the channel about how to stay positive no matter what. Honored to be on your team! DrPaul
Lerycka Lee be the parent you rather wanted to have to yourself. When you fall off the wagon don't be your mom or your dad to yourself like start insulting yourself or reinforcing their horrible proficacy become real rather be the parent you wanted to have to yourself. Show the help, love, mercy on yourself. When you reach at a safe happy place just try to forgive and let go of what they did to you because their attack it wasn't actually personal they didn't know how to cope with all life kids thing cause they probably had worse parents than you had.
I'm on the same boat, I was beat as a kid and stood in corners for weeks, and one time for 9 months, every day! What gets me is how could my mother allow my step dad to do this? And the kicker! My whole family tells me I need to move on, get passed it, dont hold a grudge. It will never be out of your head, but you have to get passed it.. It would be nice if my step dad acknowledged what he did, but the worst part is all of these people who keep telling me this have completely stopped talking to half of our family because my mom was abused as a kid.... How hypocritical is that? How would that make someone else feel their whole lives? I literally moved out of state to help me get away from this and when my sister got sick after 9 years I moved back, now I have to deal with this every day and people make me feel GUILTY for not wanting my kids over at their house, they say I'm dragging on things that dont matter anymore. I'm going to be 45, and i dont even know how to behave with my own kids now, i get all the blame for my anger and resentment. You are NOT alone.... I wish I could get a little help from someone sometimes.
Yes!!!I I started reading up on this kind of thing before I was even considering having kids. Also, a great book (that also works with adults) is "How to talk to kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk"
Nr. 9; also don’t make your kids eat all the food in their plate if you are the one who served it and desided the amount they should eat. When kids start to understand how much they are going to eat, discuss with them about what and how much they should eat to stay healthy and energised and to play and learn properly and let them put food on their plates themselves. If forced to eat, the worst case is that the child can develop issues with food later on, when they have finally control of what and how much they eat. Especially if they learn to eat over the point when their body sends them the healthy ”stomach is full”-message, they might eat that way when they are older and therefore eat too much. Would you let somebody fill your plate with food and then make you eat it all? 🙏
This was a big one for me too. And I completely agree. I nursed my baby for 22 months. And I now firmly believe that alot of my obesity stems not only from my emotuonal and physical and psychological torture, but from not being nursed. Cos my son just has his own deal. He will eat a little bit and just be done. And of course I come from a large family of mental case swedes and my husband was starved everyday of his existence growing up in third world Guatemala. So wasting food is a big big big trigger for both of us. So now I ask my boy, are you done, booger. Are u full. And he hands me the plate if he is. And thats the end of it. I dont push it and i dont question it.
@Team Queen’ s Fearn Tucker and Bentley Forever youre right about the liquid but a childs stomach is as big as their clenched fist. Thats it. Obesity issues start right here at two and three years old, when children learn it isnt ok to say no. It isnt ok to leave food on a plate. Youre creating guilt complexes in a baby if you force them to eat when theyre not hungry.
Yes I agree. My therapist told me about 'internal hunger cues'. A child should get to know his own body. Being forced to eat all your food or being punished for not eating it all is just plain wrong. A family member would make my daughter stay at the table until the plate was empty. I was too afraid to intervene because of my own issues and woukd sometimes ear the food quickly when this person's back was turned. Thinking back it was awful and tense. The threat was "you will eat it all or stay at the table until you do!" A few years ago, my daughter made up her own mind to not eat at that person's house. Food should be enjoyed so if a child is anxious at mealtimes, his food won't digest properly either. A child should have the opportunity to learn his own hunger cues. Mealtimes should be fun.
I had a teacher in seventh grade that always said “Practice doesn’t make perfect; it makes permanent.” That was 30+ years ago, and I still remember it.
Never said parenting was easy. I was 18 when i had my first. Had never baby sat. BUT I felt in my soul this was the most important job I should ever have. I DID have my parents example, but they weren't around and I had tho figure it out. So I WORKED TO BE A LOVING PARENT. I asked myself a hundred times a day how my words might be perceived by them, and ILOVED THEM. I maintain that is the whole formula. I beat myself minimally, I told them they didnt come with an instruction book, but we would learn togerher. AND WE DID. All of them are my joy, and they are loving compassionate parents and grandparents, selfless and dedicated to family. They took a few knocks, but were taught to be strong enough to shake it off. They were all different, but the basics are the same. UNSELFISH LOVE IS THE ANSWER
1. I noticed that you… (instead of “great job”) 2. Practice makes improvement (instead of “practice makes perfect”) 3. Show empathy and comfort (“you’re okay”) 4. Let’s hurry (instead of “hurry up!”) 5. Let’s eat healthy so we’ll have energy (“I’m on a diet”) 6. That looks interesting, how could we save for that? (“We can’t afford that.) 7. Look for safe people (instead of “Don’t talk to strangers!”) 8. Go closer and “spot” the child (instead of “Be careful”) 9. We can have dessert after supper (“No dessert unless you eat your food!”) 10. Wait and watch (instead of “Let me help with that!”) Thanks, super helpful!
I hate when my parents tell me to hurry up especially for school, appointments etc. It's annoying and is stressful to have to rush and possibly make mistakes. But In my eyes someone telling me to hurry up especially my parents is very stressful and annoying. When I parent someday I will not tell my kids to hurry up, because in the long run it just creates more arguments stress and more problems
In a little time I watched your video, I learned a lot though I don't have children but I shared this with my family. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
Thank you so much for the share - glad you're here. We also have a positive personal development playlist and another one for relationships - check it out. DrPaul
OMG that "dont talk to strangers" approach was the best one.You see thats my constant anxiety the moment i became a father,what happens if my kid gets lost , what am i supposed to teach him if she finds herself in a situation like this!!!Thanks Mr Jenkins
Wow...this was so much better than I thought it would be when I first read the list. I say 1, 3, 4, 8, and 10 so often. I say "you're okay" every time my two year old falls or stumbles so often - he now "you're okay" to other people when he falls. Thanks so much for the video it's definitely helpful!!!!
Yes! To expand on the phrase “We can’t afford that”… hearing that over and over as a child made me feel SO ashamed and terrified that we were dirt poor! I spent my formative *years* worrying that we were so broke that we’d end up homeless and starving. In fact, as I learned when I left for university, we were always just fine. Just fine. To this day I grapple with hoarding and an unhealthy relationship with finances. Extreme example, perhaps, but parents, don’t scare your kids with the threat of abject poverty, no matter how dire the actual situation.
This is great advice! My sister was always being put down by her husband saying she was fat, so she started to say she was fat or that she looked too fat in whatever clothing she had on. Little did she realize, her 6 year old daughter kept hearing this over and over to the point that she stopped eating and ended up in the hospital. She had to have counseling. I hate when one parent puts another down in front of their child, sometimes it makes them feel the same way as the one being put down 😥
Melissa Hill, sadly this story shows very clearly why our words matter. My best to your family. Hopefully we can all learn to be a little kinder and loving.
@@dimif2351 I mean when a child trips or they are sad because mom isn't with them! I discuss the inappropriate behavior with the children, especially with the one who hurts another one. If someone hurts you, you'll eventually be okay. If a child gets punched, I address is like this: "Oh no Peter, we do NOT hurt friends. Hands to yourself" **consouling** "Timmmy, hurt you. That is NOT not nice!" I know it hurts, but you will be okay!" Get what I mean? I don't use "your okay" as a simple bandage. I explain and talk with to both children. I'll even ask "why did you do that?"
I'm not going to tip toe around words and make feelings always more important than fact. I teach my kids about having a moral compass and being loyal to that. I teach about reality not a safe space. I have taught them that pain and suffering, mental or physical, are part of accomplishing your dreams. I teach about controlling impulses. I teach them that I will always love them. I teach I will not be manipulated and will help only if "help" helps. They are 26 and 28 and both are successful young adults.
I'm in awe right now! I've used most if not all of these with my girls (now 17 & 19) The way you take these words and make them into something more positive is incredible. I know my girls are no longer children but I'm gonna start looking at what I say from a different angle and try to better myself and my words when engaging with my girls. Never to late to try, I hope. Thank you for this video! This is my first time on your channel, but it won't be the last. So thank you again for opening my eyes up a little more. I appreciate it!
When my kids mess up and feel stupid or are frustrated for it, I tell them if you weren't trying you wouldn't have messed up and if you never try you'll never get anywhere so good job for trying! When they want something we can't afford I tell them to save their money and if they still want it by the time they save their money than it will be well spent money. My oldest daughter is 16 and has a part time job, I tell her if she wants something to do the math and figure out how many hours she had to work for it and see if she still thinks it's worth it. Letting kids earn money whether you let them wash your car and pay them instead of paying at the car wash etc... Teaches them to have value in themselves for being able to work, save, and have been the one that earned what they get, it gives them huge amounts of self worth and self satisfaction, it builds a character of building your life by hard work instead of living off others, that is a dangerous and self destructive mindset which also hurts an overall national economy by poor work ethics and an additude of serve me... How you raise your child effects the village and we all have to PUT UP with them.
My mother did the same with me and I am excellent at finances as an adult because I had to realise the real cost of things and I would often decide against getting something I really wanted, but for some reason the lessons stopped with me (the eldest) and with my younger sister my parents just gave her whatever she wanted rather than carry over the expectation of responsibility. It was like that for many things (still is to this day) and it made me feel like I had to work for everything because I wasn't good enough person to just be given it like my sister was. Lesson would be treat ALL your kids with all the same logic because they will notice and feel unworthiness if one must work for their treats and the other just gets given them. I wasn't opposed to working for my own treats, just the fact my sibling didn't have to. I didn't complain about it, I just got on with life but I can't say I never resented it.
My sons teacher stamps great job on his homework sheet and school work daily and i think its a wonderful way to build his confidence. They also say practice makes perfect often so that children don’t give up when they get things wrong. If i just said, how do you feel about that every time he accomplished something wonderful “without” saying great job, i think it would be harmful to have not acknowledged his efforts of accomplishing something very well.
Jennifer Barassi, asking the child how they feel does not mean that you can't give your opinion and tell the child that you saw how hard they worked and are happy with their work. Thank you for watching.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV taken to an extreme, these can become ridiculous. I think the intention is not to give blanket phrases to kids and then silencing them. Listening to them and encouraging them to Express themselves is/should be the goal.
One of the main thing I learned as a parent is to holdback the instinct of helping/comforting/interfering (including complementing/correcting etc.). Also, the skill to analyze the potential danger of an environment that he's playing on and to adjust your action to protect your child.
Yes, much of positive parenting is knowing when to let things be, even when we can step in and take control. The children need to learn how to work things out for themselves and it can be messy.
I especially love the "can" aspect in lieu of the "can't" - ie First we have our dinner, then we can have dessert - I was shocked to see how well this works! Not only does it teach them that you are championing them having the dessert, you are also teaching how to get it. I watch Bonnie and Tom Liotta almost religiously, and then fell on your channel - Love both! I work with children every day, and these little hacks are incredible and typically work THE FIRST TIME... whereas - "No" still doesn't work at 40 :)
This reminds me of Montessori article I read as well. All good stuff, we say “good work” to emphasize the energy or hard work they put into the job rather than emphasizing the final product. At a learners stage the work is far more important than the result. The first time I heard a teacher say to a child “practice makes us better” to children in my first child’s kindergarten classroom. I felt like I had just went to therapy myself and changed my life. I was still carrying that pressure as an adult to be perfect and never could quite get there. It hindered me greatly in my career to complete projects on time because it was never perfect. This is a big one. Sorry, Dr. Paul. The first two do seem small but can have a big impact on a little person. Love to listen back these are great reminders when I slip back into old habits. Good Luck fellow Parents! I’m rooting for you too.
Maybe one day you can do a (another) video for (me) parents of ADHD kiddos and how to turn the frustration into a useful emotion. I HATE that I am always pointing out negative behavior. I really, really hate it....Daily I say I won't and boom, there I go again.....
Georgeanne, one of the things that impresses me about you is your determined commitment to be a good Mom. Keep that passion and you will constantly improve. You've got this! DrPaul
Give your kid things with energy in it and itll calm them down. A kid in my school with terrible ADHD had to drink energy drinks to not bounce around in class and still be able to focus. My brother who has ADHD was given medication and could never focus enough to do his school work. Or really function like a kid. Just remember to breathe when things get frustrating. Get a exercise device, something where he can use with with his feet whenever you want him to sit down. And fidget cubes are a must. Completely from a perspective of someone with no medical background. But if it helps, then I wish you the best.
I remember that I was about 5 years old and lost my parents in a store. I was told not to talk to strangers but I was in panick coz I was alone. So I remember that I looked around and saw a woman wild a child of my age and I decided to tell her that I lost my parents. My parents showed up right after I told her but it was like common sense to trust that woman
Yeah I thought that was a really good example. Like look for another mommy. Except nowadays you have child predators out and about looki g for kids who are rolling around with kids trying to snag kids. Im in frickin nebraska and you hear stories all the time about a woman alone with two or three kids watching a "team" circle or try to enclose her. Yeah. Keep a close eye on ur kids. Theres no cheat for that one.
Oh my, I've messed up , done quite a few of these! They are in their 30s now... my mother passed it on to me! I'll pass this video on to my adult children who can hopefully do a better job on my dear grandchildren !!
Growing up my parents never asked me : are you ok ? after I slipped or fell or hurting myself by accidentally never. This is a way to be more independent and take responsibility. I see this day's parents ask their kids all the time are you ok honey? 🙄😒
You are welcome, Leah Grace Unabia. I appreciate you watching and being a positive influence in your niece's life. We have much more on our Positive Parenting playlist, if you're interested: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html
I was unconsciously doing number 1, 2, 7, and 9 with my 3yo! The rest I have to work on... and MUST take more time and effort to think at least 10 seconds before I say something to her, especially in a "parenting mode"! God help me! Thank you for all the advices in this and other videos! Very helpful!
Guess what.... she was right. Be cautious of taking advice from people how to raise your kids specially from so called "experts." Every child is different, and you will notice that as it grow up, it is going to do what it feels best for it. Same as when you were growing up.
Wow thank you!! First time mom and I have a 2 year old , he is a dare devil and I’m always catching myself telling him “ be careful” , I would definitely be using this advice about going where he is and keep a close eye and cheering him on instead of shouting or telling him be careful lol . 🙏
Yadira, kudos to you on being a conscious parent - keep up the great work. I think you might also appreciate the Parenting Power-up Audio Course I did with my wife, Vicki. You can get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com DrPaul
I immediately see a red flag when people say "never"...however, I appreciate this video. I just don't like the headline. I agree with your points...including pointing out that none of these things are terribly destructive..there is just a better way. Most parents mean well, they just aren't aware that unintended messages can come through. And we do not always have time to go through the "long version" in the moment.
I heard a long time ago to not say "be careful" I noticed I was saying often right before leaving them or they were leaving for school or a day out or something, and I noticed it was to make myself feel better. Really when you think about it, be careful means nothing. Accidents happen even if you are careful.
"Make good choices" yelled loudly out the car door in front of all of their friends. My kids & I would jokingly say that to each other after we watched Jamie Lee Curtis say it to Lindsey Lohan in Freaky Friday, I think it was.
My autistic daughter thinks ok is a negative because we would say "it's ok." When comforting her. That was when I realized that it's actually kinda messed up to say it's ok when the child clearly does not feel ok.
I just found your channel...love it!! I have a granddaughter who is 2-1/2...I have to get my daughter to watch too. Very valuable lessons for all to learn...I love your humor also!! Thank you so much!
i hated being told "it's okay. you're okay." when things weren't. it seemed like i was never allowed to have bad feelings/days. recently i caught myself saying the same thing to my son when he was upset and realized how much it stresses me to see him frustrated like this. how do i allow myself and him to let it out?
RS thanks for your question. I think empathy is part of the answer here. If you can find a way to reflect back what he is feeling, sometimes that gives a chance for him to process and work through his own feelings. "I can see that you're frustrated" for example, without trying to change that. I think you might also appreciate the Parenting Power-up Audio Course I did with my wife, Vicki. You can get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com DrPaul
I turned it into "are you okay". Then I tell him, tell mom. Tell me, are you hurt? Did you get hurt? I think its ok because he has started to hug me and even offer a kiss when hes done being scared over what happened. I usually know if Im doing something right cos he feels good about it and lets me know.
Stop treating kids like they're made of glass, they want to be talked to like they are regular people. If your kid is upset about something, ask them, point blank "what's wrong/what's going on?". And if they dont want to talk about it, dont push the subject just let them know that you're available and willing to hear them when they're ready to talk. And if you suspect it's something serious, throw in a "you can talk to me about anything, I won't be upset."
Oh gosh, my family motto is "practice makes perfect". Not that I'm strict and make them take piano lessons or whatnot. Now i feel bad. I only say it when they're trying something new and are struggling. I say "see that plane flying through the sky? The pilot was not born knowing how to fly that plane, they had to practice until they got the knack, then it eventually became an easy task. So if you practice at anything, you should be able to do it. Some things you will be better at than others though, so practice what youre good at" I bet thats all wrong? I'm just a single mother trying my best.
I think that's fine! A lot of times it's less the words themselves and more of the general tone and attitude that is important. You're clearly not judging them for not being perfect, and your example about the plane is showing to them that working hard will let you improve. I think it's just the growth mindset that is most important, not exact words themselves.
On the last point about helping a kid... I ask my son all the time "may I help you." His usual response is "no, I got it." But there are times he still gets frustrated and can't finish what he's trying to do and he'll come back to my offer to help and ask me. I've learned that his stubbornness requires this progression, lol. IDK if that falls in line with your recommendations, but I do find it helps move things along productively.
1.) Great job 2.) Practice makes perfect 3.) You’re okay 4.) Hurry up 5.) I’m on a diet 6.) We can’t afford that 7.) Don’t talk to strangers 8.) Be careful 9.) No dessert 10.) Let me help Just don’t create a narcissistic child by walking on eggshells lol
Good points, but I don't know if I can totally get on board with number 6. It's straight to the point and we leave nothing to the imagination and we are being completely honest.
These are stupid! Demand better,and let them know they did a great job. Teach them there will always be others who do better than them and that is ok. Being the fastest doesn't mean the best. Being the slower with precision is best. Every child is an individual. My mother was not soft spoken and only whipped our butts when we did something wrong,and we knew we did we had it coming. There must be a certain amount of discipline for bad behaviour. The world is full of mean nasty people. Teach respect where respect is given. Treat others the way you want to be treated,and avoid disrespectful people.
I love that the pop up when you're talking about "practice makes perfect" has a misspelling in "working". I'm not sure if that is there on purpose or if it was a mistake, but it was timely.
The "Im on a diet" is so true. I take my daughter with me to my power lifting gym. She gets to see all different types of bodies lifting weights. My gym only has about 80 members but everyone is so sweet to my daughter. As far as "don't talk to strangers" I totally agree, Its the people that she has contact with often that are way more of a risk. It's okay to say hi to people and be talkative.
I think parenting the right way is the most important skill we need to work on these days as a society because the world has become so much more challenging, confusing and unforgiving, and that is what our children will be stepping into. They need to be mentally strong and highly adaptive to find their place in it.
Think the video ridiculous. Parenting is NOT that difficult, but requires patience and common sense. Had 5 children 12 grands, 17 greats. Never did these stupid things. Complements when due, comfort when needed, discipline when required; all because I LOVE THEM, and show it every day. Hugs, kisses, "I think you're a great kid", I'm sending Angels to/with you if you do your best, prayerfully snd lovingly, the kids grow up self confident, kind, loving and generous. Good parents themselves, with high morals and positive attitude. Could we ask for more?
Thank you much Sir for giving respect by referring Sabkishiksha”Education for All”. This channel in Hindi to reach rural India so that everyone can get quality education / knowledge about parenting . Truely appreciate your refer to us
Pleased to hear it! Thanks for watching. Also, you'll probably appreciate the Parenting Power-up Audio Course that's coming out soon. We have some specific tips and tricks for parents that you might find very helpful. Connect here: parentingpowerup.com - DrPaul
What If My Child Just Doesn't Care About Consequences - ua-cam.com/video/Eu9_EXaVzOo/v-deo.html
❤
A family friend told me "practice makes improvement". I was around 13 years old and never forgot it. Everytime someone said practice makes perfect. I would say "no, practice makes improvement".lol
Katrina O, thank you for sharing. Glad to have you at Live On Purpose TV.
I like that. A teacher colleague says practice makes constant...
Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. Same thing when coaches say practice like you play.
perfect practice makes perfect
improper practice makes you worse
helps engage you and others on how to pay attention the entire time because everyone wants to get whatever they are practicing right
Practice makes progress.
I love to say "practice makes progress!"
Good one! DrPaul
Thanks! :-)
L.Croft I love that! I will make that change from practice makes perfect to practice makes progress! Thank you!
I have recently been listening to your videos and following your leads I have found your strategies useful on dealing with kids and teenagers I have them both .
You are right and strongly agree with you that we should love our children thanks
I say that too. Thank you, Duggar family lol
Pregnant with my first child; best time to start learning how to parent and what I would want for my child, will definitely be taking notes on all your videos!
Congratulations Abigail - parenting is a great adventure, and a huge responsibility. You'll find lots of topics here in our Positive Parenting playlist on the channel. I think you would also love the Parenting Power-up Audio Course that Vicki (my wife) and I just recorded. You can get a free sample listen here: parentingpowerup.com
abigail irime congratulations
You are going to be a great mother!! I did the same thing and I was only 3 months preg at the time 😂 but you know what, we are just making sure the kids are our first priority. 🙏🙏
Yadira Santiago definitely! Only have 2 weeks left, but you can never be too prepared!x
abigail irime 😍😍aaaaawwww...do you know the gender yet
You know what I noticed? Avoiding these and trying the alternative words will require you to spend a lot of time and energy having conversations with your children. I think we often use these to keep things short, to carry on with our chores, to save time and energy.
Astute observation Ayana - I think you're right. We probably have to do a little more thinking and work a litter harder than we want to - but really not as much as we fear it will be. Also, you would probably like the Parenting Power-up Audio Course that's coming out soon. We have some specific tips and tricks for parents that you might find very helpful. Connect here: parentingpowerup.com - DrPaul
Live On Purpose TV Thank you!
"Chores" = checking our phones
The purpose of these short comments is to keep it simple because children are based in egocentrism
@@novareality2964 not to mention, mine had no time to answer. I ask... How was school today, answer... It was gay, see you dad
The person reading this comment: I wish you great success, love, health, and happiness! ❤️ 👍😍😆
Thanks for your positivity.
I needed this ❤ I hope you are well
Oh ..hearing all these makes ME feel so guilty especially that i'm still coping with Post partum depression. It's really really difficult to become a Mom especially when Your husband doesn't support you.
No guilt, Eurosine Bantillo. Deal with the post partum first and try to find some support from a friend or group. Talk to your OB or midwife. Hang in there.
Eurs VB Mompreneur I have a husband that fights against me on raising a teenager . Had I known he would’ve turned out that way I would’ve divorced him b4 I had a child by him. Get out now while you can, you and your child will be better off in the long run.
It took you nine months to grow a child. Allow yourself time to learn and grow to be a better mom. No one us perfect. We learn as we go.
Hang in there. Talk to your husband and tell him how you need him to help. If he does great but if not maybe he's not the one for you
Agree
So complicated to be parents.
We all need a degree in psychology to handle the job.
Then again are the psychologist perfect parents? I guess not.
We can only try our best and give them love they need and forgive us about our mistakes. Life is not black and white and no one is perfect.
Anyway thank you for your guide line.
No one is perfect, psychologists included and especially me. Forgiveness and love are key to having great relationships, Nevialuna Bella.
I agree no one is perfect. Being open to considering new ideas that can help us be better imperfect parents is realistic. Ideas may bring awareness.
I'm 24 years old and still single. I am a victim of Emotional Neglect from my Parent and still suffering until now. I don't want my future kids to be in my situation. And so Im trying to research articles or video clips on how to make my future son/daughter healthy emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
You CAN change the future, James Reid. We don't have to parent like our parents did. So powerful.
James, you sound like a very caring, insightful and wise young man. You're on a good path. I believe you will be a fantastic father one day. I wouldn't refer to myself as a victim if I were you. You're an overcomer, exhibiting empathy and learning relationship and parenting skills along your journey. Jesus will definitely help you if you call on Him. Bless you always.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Focus on yourself for now.
You're awesome 🙂. The fact that you're concerned about being a good parent some day while you're young shows that you care and you will be a good parent someday!!
“I’m 24 years old and still single” some of the best times of your life are waiting. Your partner is out there, do not feel rushed to start a serious relationship while you are still dealing with deep emotional issues. Spend your 20’s healing and working on yourself and the rest will fall into place. 🙏🏼
Wow, I just about say this whole list to my child! I never realized how my own words are affecting my relationship with my son. Thank you for helping me learn better alternatives!
What a great mom, Jessica M. Honored to be on your team.
J Mc
Nevi s child relaxed
There’s definitely great advice and intention in this video. I just want to point out that the pendulum swing of modern parenting psychology has gone from the authoritarian parenting type in the 50s-80s to current day: “make sure you don’t ever say anything that would remotely hurt their feelings.” I am all about balance. I don’t see anything wrong with telling my child “great job” or “be careful when doing X.” In my opinion, all this advice is going a bit far in the feelings realm and making good parents feel like they need to over analyze every single thing they say. We should definitely be conscious of our role model and language we use with our children; however, this advice makes you doubt even basic parenting phrases. As I mentioned earlier, I appreciate the video, I listened to it, took from it what was valuable to me and left the rest where I found it.
Perfect, Blerina C. I always tell people to put what they hear through their truth filter. It will be different for different people and you know your child best. Thanks for watching.
The most elusive word is "balance". And that is not a universal. Everyone's idea of balance is different. Your comment shows your estimate of balance is different than the speaker's. I don't think the message "makes" anyone feel any one thing. Your reaction may enlighten you about things you are sensitive to. Good parents can choose from this information what they want, not need, to analyze, and analyze short of overanalyzing. The speaker could have a point, you could have a point. I'm open to considering the information without any particular judgment about it.
I have a one year old & will be watching this 1000 times. 😂
Thanks for watching Nile and Moon - Honored to be on your parenting team! Look through the Positive Parenting playlist for some more ideas. I think you would also love the Parenting Power-up Audio Course that my wife Vicki and I just recorded. Get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com
DrPaul
imy baby just turned 1 on the 3rd, and i always say "you're ok", or "its ok" if he has a little tumble because i thought it might make him More upset if i were to make a big fuss.
My mom says she's on a diet all the time it makes me feel insecure about my own weight sometimes even if am not that heavy
Kind of a hidden message right? Thanks for watching Lori! DrPaul
U look heavy, maybe its ur conscious
I have a daughter, and I am currently on a weight loss plan, I try to make sure she knows she's beautiful no matter what her size is, and that mom is just trying to be healthy, not "hot" or "skinny". She is a healthy weight, I would never tell her she needs to lose weight, even if she was overweight. I would gently encourage healthy choices, but balance by having a treat every once in awhile is okay, and when I have a treat I tell her I can because I want to and it's perfectly fine as long as I dont go crazy and have a lot of it. More than likely your mom is unaware of how her "journey " is affecting you. If you have an open dialogue with her, tell her how it makes you feel, maybe encourage her to not talk about it so much.
You are a beautiful young lady, no matter what your size is, have a blessed day!
She's setting you up for a lifetime of weight worrying issues. Try and ignore her insecurities cause that's all they are.
@@leighleeblack9233 you sound mean, maybe its your heart.
That's a kid!
I really get tired of people that beat up on their parents , my parents weren't perfect , but they taught me to think for myself , work hard and be independent , and my dad taught me to trust my instincts , thanks mom and dad ♥️
Love your comment, Dan Archambault. Honored to have you at Live On Purpose TV.
You’ve clearly never been abused mate. Hate what u like, but peoples lives aren’t up to your personal thoughts. A son who’s mother emotionally abused them there whole life left them so insecure and hopeless they rather drive into a tree or blow off there heads because they can’t function knowing not even there mother cant love them, or a daughter who’s whole life there dad would touch them, just friendly. But then it turns into something else and before u know it that daughter is ruining her own life because she can’t deal with the trauma its caused her and ends up ending there life from the pain and shame they feel. Not one of these kids asked to be born or to be brought into a world where not only where they ruined from the start, but also all the years growing up they did not have one day without pain, a unloving parent and neglect. People can hate there, boss who provides them there life because without them they would be homeless.
And when you’ve grown up with abuse, you have a every right to hate your parent or parents because they stole your child hood and entire life.
Just my take on it, abit late to the party, lol but i can see your point of view. But saying you’re tired of people hating there parents speaks volumes no?
If so many people have gone through pain and true trauma because their parents, maybe your really tired of is all the unfit parents who have children knowing they are children themselves and will only damage them because they them selves are damaged.
Regardless, take it easy mate. No hate on your view. Just maybe you should look at it abit deeper. Its hard to know what its like to be shot, without ever getting shot. As its hard to know true damaging words or actions parents say to there children then ruin them for life.
Oh my gosh. Two things i knew from a very young age was that my mom had self esteem issues and that we were poor. It made me accept the fact that being self conscious was just part of being a woman and that I was just poor and things were just supposed to be this way.
Hello Hyperspace Oddity, hopefully as you watch more videos you can find the how to build a more positive self-image. Keep watching.
I would ask "can I offer my help?". If my son says "no". I would go back to my own business. And he would ask me "can you help?" eventually. LOL
Yup, sometimes it just has to be their idea right? Thanks for watching Yue Zeng. DrPaul
Love this ^^
I watch some of your videos with my darling 9 yo. He said “this person literally transformed into me and speaks what I am thinking.” Thank you for your videos; I cannot go on one day w/o them.
Dori Bonner, wow! Your 9 yr. old sounds very mature. Might be a future psychologist in there. Haha, tell them hello.
I love that you brought up the don't talk to strangers. My kids have been told that by not only my husband & I but also adults at school. As tweens (with autism), they have taken this advice so literally that they won't even talk to the waitress at a restaurant or say sorry, if they bump into someone at the store. We have tried to clarify what we mean by "strangers" but it taking some effort to undo. Wish I had gotten this advice when they were much younger.
Yes - especially with spectrum issues, teaching that discernment can be tricky. There are times when it is very socially appropriate to talk to strangers. Thanks for watching April! DrPaul
1) Great Job!
2) Practice makes perfect
3) You're ok?
4) Hurry up
5) I am on Diet
6) We can't afford that.
7) Don't talk to stranger.
8) Be careful
9) No Desert until you finish your dinner.
10) Let me help.
Good list, gerard Joseplik. Thanks for watching.
Not the hero we deserved, but the one we needed
Thank you
I’m 45 and a mess from a lot of things my parents did and said that undermined my development in so many subtle ways. No one wants to hear it cuz I wasn’t beaten starved abused homeless etc but I’ve since been many of those things and developed addictions because of the cumulative effects. And guess what Dr Phil doesn’t want to help-Dads dead-Moms too old n defensive to talk with about it and my only sibling who left at 18 to move cross country n isn’t coming back tells me to get over it....I’m at a loss. Old tired unemployed drinking too much and there is no where to go!! Please folks-TAKE THIS ADVICE!! Those little things matter-I remember many little things but if I try now that I realize to talk to my Mom she just gets mad n says she did the best she could--which I KNOW. But I need support just to listen n understand how it made me FEEL and I can’t get that in any quarter. Words mean something-choose yours with care!
Yes, words matter. Thanks for your comments Lerycka Lee. Some good news... It's not too late to claim your joy. Watch the intro video on the channel about how to stay positive no matter what. Honored to be on your team! DrPaul
Lerycka Lee be the parent you rather wanted to have to yourself. When you fall off the wagon don't be your mom or your dad to yourself like start insulting yourself or reinforcing their horrible proficacy become real rather be the parent you wanted to have to yourself. Show the help, love, mercy on yourself. When you reach at a safe happy place just try to forgive and let go of what they did to you because their attack it wasn't actually personal they didn't know how to cope with all life kids thing cause they probably had worse parents than you had.
God can help you 😊
Your parents might have been narcissistic. Watch videos on narcissism and it will help you. Your mom may never admit it, or apoligize.
I'm on the same boat, I was beat as a kid and stood in corners for weeks, and one time for 9 months, every day! What gets me is how could my mother allow my step dad to do this? And the kicker! My whole family tells me I need to move on, get passed it, dont hold a grudge. It will never be out of your head, but you have to get passed it.. It would be nice if my step dad acknowledged what he did, but the worst part is all of these people who keep telling me this have completely stopped talking to half of our family because my mom was abused as a kid.... How hypocritical is that? How would that make someone else feel their whole lives? I literally moved out of state to help me get away from this and when my sister got sick after 9 years I moved back, now I have to deal with this every day and people make me feel GUILTY for not wanting my kids over at their house, they say I'm dragging on things that dont matter anymore. I'm going to be 45, and i dont even know how to behave with my own kids now, i get all the blame for my anger and resentment. You are NOT alone.... I wish I could get a little help from someone sometimes.
I don't even have kids but I find this really informative! I am a teacher though and I think it could help in the (adult!) classroom!
Rose, that's the nice thing about principle based strategies - they tend to be universal. DrPaul
Yes!!!I I started reading up on this kind of thing before I was even considering having kids. Also, a great book (that also works with adults) is "How to talk to kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk"
“Practice makes better” is what we say around these parts! :)
Tera Greene, that works.
Nr. 9; also don’t make your kids eat all the food in their plate if you are the one who served it and desided the amount they should eat. When kids start to understand how much they are going to eat, discuss with them about what and how much they should eat to stay healthy and energised and to play and learn properly and let them put food on their plates themselves. If forced to eat, the worst case is that the child can develop issues with food later on, when they have finally control of what and how much they eat. Especially if they learn to eat over the point when their body sends them the healthy
”stomach is full”-message, they might eat that way when they are older and therefore eat too much. Would you let somebody fill your plate with food and then make you eat it all? 🙏
Thanks for your input and comments Tinfoilhatmama - glad you're here! DrPaul
This was a big one for me too. And I completely agree. I nursed my baby for 22 months. And I now firmly believe that alot of my obesity stems not only from my emotuonal and physical and psychological torture, but from not being nursed. Cos my son just has his own deal. He will eat a little bit and just be done. And of course I come from a large family of mental case swedes and my husband was starved everyday of his existence growing up in third world Guatemala. So wasting food is a big big big trigger for both of us. So now I ask my boy, are you done, booger. Are u full. And he hands me the plate if he is. And thats the end of it. I dont push it and i dont question it.
@Team Queen’ s Fearn Tucker and Bentley Forever youre right about the liquid but a childs stomach is as big as their clenched fist. Thats it. Obesity issues start right here at two and three years old, when children learn it isnt ok to say no. It isnt ok to leave food on a plate. Youre creating guilt complexes in a baby if you force them to eat when theyre not hungry.
Yes I agree. My therapist told me about 'internal hunger cues'. A child should get to know his own body. Being forced to eat all your food or being punished for not eating it all is just plain wrong. A family member would make my daughter stay at the table until the plate was empty. I was too afraid to intervene because of my own issues and woukd sometimes ear the food quickly when this person's back was turned. Thinking back it was awful and tense. The threat was "you will eat it all or stay at the table until you do!" A few years ago, my daughter made up her own mind to not eat at that person's house. Food should be enjoyed so if a child is anxious at mealtimes, his food won't digest properly either. A child should have the opportunity to learn his own hunger cues. Mealtimes should be fun.
Agree it’s the child’s stomach not yours that’s saying enough I’m full
I had a teacher in seventh grade that always said “Practice doesn’t make perfect; it makes permanent.” That was 30+ years ago, and I still remember it.
Karen Thomson, thank you. Pearls of wisdom stick with us.
I always say "Practice makes Progress"
Agreed.
Im watching this to know how can treat my husband 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Husbands are a special kind of animal - principles are universal though, so there is a lot that can apply ;) DrPaul
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣i might have to copy you in that!
@@nilaphillips3500 ..oh HELL yea im in lol🤣🤣🤣
Rude... lol....
That is funny because I was watching this to know how to treat my wife.
“You’re just like your father!”
(Mother despises father).
Scott, ouch! Not a good thing to say.
Live On Purpose TV Yup. Raised by 2 Sociopaths. I had to join the Army to actually see how real people behaved.
Never said parenting was easy. I was 18 when i had my first. Had never baby sat. BUT I felt in my soul this was the most important job I should ever have. I DID have my parents example, but they weren't around and I had tho figure it out. So I WORKED TO BE A LOVING PARENT. I asked myself a hundred times a day how my words might be perceived by them, and ILOVED THEM. I maintain that is the whole formula. I beat myself minimally, I told them they didnt come with an instruction book, but we would learn togerher. AND WE DID. All of them are my joy, and they are loving compassionate parents and grandparents, selfless and dedicated to family. They took a few knocks, but were taught to be strong enough to shake it off. They were all different, but the basics are the same. UNSELFISH LOVE IS THE ANSWER
Well said, Lavonne Traylor. I hope many read your words.
I will immediately send this to my parents.
Awesome, Miscia Tarlit. We all need to learn new things.
I LOVE this. The language we use is so powerful!
Yes it is! Thank you for watching and commenting, Jesus Christ Inspiration.
Oh yeah man. Words are ao powerful. Havent you seen all the victims on this post? They all get offended over any little thing.
1. I noticed that you… (instead of “great job”)
2. Practice makes improvement (instead of “practice makes perfect”)
3. Show empathy and comfort (“you’re okay”)
4. Let’s hurry (instead of “hurry up!”)
5. Let’s eat healthy so we’ll have energy (“I’m on a diet”)
6. That looks interesting, how could we save for that? (“We can’t afford that.)
7. Look for safe people (instead of “Don’t talk to strangers!”)
8. Go closer and “spot” the child (instead of “Be careful”)
9. We can have dessert after supper (“No dessert unless you eat your food!”)
10. Wait and watch (instead of “Let me help with that!”)
Thanks, super helpful!
Thanks for the recap.
I did that so I could take a screenshot and remember these- I’ve already changed my approach twice this week.
I hate when my parents tell me to hurry up especially for school, appointments etc. It's annoying and is stressful to have to rush and possibly make mistakes. But In my eyes someone telling me to hurry up especially my parents is very stressful and annoying. When I parent someday I will not tell my kids to hurry up, because in the long run it just creates more arguments stress and more problems
Perhaps you could suggest a code word they could use to let you know they are feeling anxious about the time and to please get ready.
In a little time I watched your video, I learned a lot though I don't have children but I shared this with my family. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
Thank you so much for the share - glad you're here. We also have a positive personal development playlist and another one for relationships - check it out. DrPaul
OMG that "dont talk to strangers" approach was the best one.You see thats my constant anxiety the moment i became a father,what happens if my kid gets lost , what am i supposed to teach him if she finds herself in a situation like this!!!Thanks Mr Jenkins
Kostas Kovalas, thanks.
Wow...this was so much better than I thought it would be when I first read the list. I say 1, 3, 4, 8, and 10 so often. I say "you're okay" every time my two year old falls or stumbles so often - he now "you're okay" to other people when he falls. Thanks so much for the video it's definitely helpful!!!!
Christi ASMR, you are welcome.
Yes! To expand on the phrase “We can’t afford that”… hearing that over and over as a child made me feel SO ashamed and terrified that we were dirt poor! I spent my formative *years* worrying that we were so broke that we’d end up homeless and starving. In fact, as I learned when I left for university, we were always just fine. Just fine. To this day I grapple with hoarding and an unhealthy relationship with finances. Extreme example, perhaps, but parents, don’t scare your kids with the threat of abject poverty, no matter how dire the actual situation.
Jen Graham, look on the positive side, thankful for the sandwiches we have to eat, etc. Good reminder. Thanks for sharing.
2024❤ parenting skills are ever necessary for ever ❤ thank you Doc .
My family and I love
The one about strangers really got me thinking - good point!
Glad the video was helpful, Shanndri.
This is great advice! My sister was always being put down by her husband saying she was fat, so she started to say she was fat or that she looked too fat in whatever clothing she had on. Little did she realize, her 6 year old daughter kept hearing this over and over to the point that she stopped eating and ended up in the hospital. She had to have counseling. I hate when one parent puts another down in front of their child, sometimes it makes them feel the same way as the one being put down 😥
Melissa Hill, sadly this story shows very clearly why our words matter. My best to your family. Hopefully we can all learn to be a little kinder and loving.
I use "you're okay!"
But after affirming how they feel and show them that I am aware they are hurt or sad
Thanks for sharing what works for you, Stephanie H. I appreciate your being here on the channel.
@@dimif2351 I mean when a child trips or they are sad because mom isn't with them!
I discuss the inappropriate behavior with the children, especially with the one who hurts another one.
If someone hurts you, you'll eventually be okay.
If a child gets punched, I address is like this:
"Oh no Peter, we do NOT hurt friends. Hands to yourself"
**consouling**
"Timmmy, hurt you. That is NOT not nice!"
I know it hurts, but you will be okay!"
Get what I mean?
I don't use "your okay" as a simple bandage.
I explain and talk with to both children.
I'll even ask "why did you do that?"
I'm not going to tip toe around words and make feelings always more important than fact. I teach my kids about having a moral compass and being loyal to that. I teach about reality not a safe space. I have taught them that pain and suffering, mental or physical, are part of accomplishing your dreams. I teach about controlling impulses. I teach them that I will always love them. I teach I will not be manipulated and will help only if "help" helps. They are 26 and 28 and both are successful young adults.
Christy B, I like that, help if "help" helps. Many people get stuck in that mire.
I'm in awe right now! I've used most if not all of these with my girls (now 17 & 19) The way you take these words and make them into something more positive is incredible. I know my girls are no longer children but I'm gonna start looking at what I say from a different angle and try to better myself and my words when engaging with my girls. Never to late to try, I hope. Thank you for this video! This is my first time on your channel, but it won't be the last. So thank you again for opening my eyes up a little more. I appreciate it!
You bring up a good point, Crystal Starlight, these words impact everyone, not just children. Glad to have you join the channel.
When my kids mess up and feel stupid or are frustrated for it, I tell them if you weren't trying you wouldn't have messed up and if you never try you'll never get anywhere so good job for trying!
When they want something we can't afford I tell them to save their money and if they still want it by the time they save their money than it will be well spent money. My oldest daughter is 16 and has a part time job, I tell her if she wants something to do the math and figure out how many hours she had to work for it and see if she still thinks it's worth it. Letting kids earn money whether you let them wash your car and pay them instead of paying at the car wash etc... Teaches them to have value in themselves for being able to work, save, and have been the one that earned what they get, it gives them huge amounts of self worth and self satisfaction, it builds a character of building your life by hard work instead of living off others, that is a dangerous and self destructive mindset which also hurts an overall national economy by poor work ethics and an additude of serve me... How you raise your child effects the village and we all have to PUT UP with them.
Thanks for your comment Christine, and for your thoughtful and conscious approach to parenting! DrPaul
My mother did the same with me and I am excellent at finances as an adult because I had to realise the real cost of things and I would often decide against getting something I really wanted, but for some reason the lessons stopped with me (the eldest) and with my younger sister my parents just gave her whatever she wanted rather than carry over the expectation of responsibility. It was like that for many things (still is to this day) and it made me feel like I had to work for everything because I wasn't good enough person to just be given it like my sister was.
Lesson would be treat ALL your kids with all the same logic because they will notice and feel unworthiness if one must work for their treats and the other just gets given them.
I wasn't opposed to working for my own treats, just the fact my sibling didn't have to. I didn't complain about it, I just got on with life but I can't say I never resented it.
My sons teacher stamps great job on his homework sheet and school work daily and i think its a wonderful way to build his confidence. They also say practice makes perfect often so that children don’t give up when they get things wrong. If i just said, how do you feel about that every time he accomplished something wonderful “without” saying great job, i think it would be harmful to have not acknowledged his efforts of accomplishing something very well.
Jennifer Barassi, asking the child how they feel does not mean that you can't give your opinion and tell the child that you saw how hard they worked and are happy with their work. Thank you for watching.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV taken to an extreme, these can become ridiculous. I think the intention is not to give blanket phrases to kids and then silencing them. Listening to them and encouraging them to Express themselves is/should be the goal.
One of the main thing I learned as a parent is to holdback the instinct of helping/comforting/interfering (including complementing/correcting etc.).
Also, the skill to analyze the potential danger of an environment that he's playing on and to adjust your action to protect your child.
Yes, much of positive parenting is knowing when to let things be, even when we can step in and take control. The children need to learn how to work things out for themselves and it can be messy.
I especially love the "can" aspect in lieu of the "can't" - ie First we have our dinner, then we can have dessert - I was shocked to see how well this works! Not only does it teach them that you are championing them having the dessert, you are also teaching how to get it. I watch Bonnie and Tom Liotta almost religiously, and then fell on your channel - Love both! I work with children every day, and these little hacks are incredible and typically work THE FIRST TIME... whereas - "No" still doesn't work at 40 :)
Bonnie Cox, I appreciate your comment. Thank you for being here on the channel.
This reminds me of Montessori article I read as well. All good stuff, we say “good work” to emphasize the energy or hard work they put into the job rather than emphasizing the final product. At a learners stage the work is far more important than the result. The first time I heard a teacher say to a child “practice makes us better” to children in my first child’s kindergarten classroom. I felt like I had just went to therapy myself and changed my life. I was still carrying that pressure as an adult to be perfect and never could quite get there. It hindered me greatly in my career to complete projects on time because it was never perfect. This is a big one. Sorry, Dr. Paul. The first two do seem small but can have a big impact on a little person. Love to listen back these are great reminders when I slip back into old habits. Good Luck fellow Parents! I’m rooting for you too.
Thank you, I love how we can come back here again and again whenever we need a reminder.
Maybe one day you can do a (another) video for (me) parents of ADHD kiddos and how to turn the frustration into a useful emotion. I HATE that I am always pointing out negative behavior. I really, really hate it....Daily I say I won't and boom, there I go again.....
Georgeanne, one of the things that impresses me about you is your determined commitment to be a good Mom. Keep that passion and you will constantly improve. You've got this! DrPaul
I've got one shot to get this done as best as possible. Some days I feel I get it better than others.
Give your kid things with energy in it and itll calm them down. A kid in my school with terrible ADHD had to drink energy drinks to not bounce around in class and still be able to focus. My brother who has ADHD was given medication and could never focus enough to do his school work. Or really function like a kid.
Just remember to breathe when things get frustrating. Get a exercise device, something where he can use with with his feet whenever you want him to sit down. And fidget cubes are a must.
Completely from a perspective of someone with no medical background. But if it helps, then I wish you the best.
how in the world can I stop saying - be careful. Your like an uncle I never had. Thanks for all this information. So often we need this help!
Glad the videos are helpful for you.
I remember that I was about 5 years old and lost my parents in a store. I was told not to talk to strangers but I was in panick coz I was alone. So I remember that I looked around and saw a woman wild a child of my age and I decided to tell her that I lost my parents. My parents showed up right after I told her but it was like common sense to trust that woman
Thanks for your comment N Deli - glad you're here. DrPaul
Yeah I thought that was a really good example. Like look for another mommy. Except nowadays you have child predators out and about looki g for kids who are rolling around with kids trying to snag kids. Im in frickin nebraska and you hear stories all the time about a woman alone with two or three kids watching a "team" circle or try to enclose her. Yeah. Keep a close eye on ur kids. Theres no cheat for that one.
Oh my, I've messed up , done quite a few of these! They are in their 30s now... my mother passed it on to me!
I'll pass this video on to my adult children who can hopefully do a better job on my dear grandchildren !!
Wonderful. When generations work together, real change can happen.
Growing up my parents never asked me : are you ok ? after I slipped or fell or hurting myself by accidentally never. This is a way to be more independent and take responsibility.
I see this day's parents ask their kids all the time are you ok honey? 🙄😒
Thanks for watching and commenting, K g.
thank you Dr. Paul I'm not a parent yet but want to raise my lil niece kendra and these tips help me. thank you so much.
You are welcome, Leah Grace Unabia. I appreciate you watching and being a positive influence in your niece's life. We have much more on our Positive Parenting playlist, if you're interested: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html
Thank you... I wish I knew of you whilst my babies were young.... You are helping our babies.... x Thank you again. x
Thank you, Dizzy McGuire. Glad to have you at the channel.
Hey if you are looking for something for your kids to do check out Tiger Claw Karate Dojo. It is free
I was unconsciously doing number 1, 2, 7, and 9 with my 3yo! The rest I have to work on... and MUST take more time and effort to think at least 10 seconds before I say something to her, especially in a "parenting mode"! God help me! Thank you for all the advices in this and other videos! Very helpful!
You got this!
I’ve said EVERYTHING that shouldn’t be said to my sons!!!
Nicole P., when you know better you do better, you got this!
Practice makes progress.
It certainly does.
Thank you, sir! You are brilliant. So positive. Your insight is much needed and appreciated in our family. Wow!
Tom Edur, glad you are enjoying the videos. Thank you for watching.
My school grades qualified me for Child Psychology." And I agree on his views. Child catch different things and we need to understand that.
Thank you for watching and commenting.
Thank you. I will be catching myself now. I can see these helping adults as well.
Yes! There are principles about dealing with people in general - big people or little people. Thanks for watching BattyGhoul! DrPaul
Why do you get so much hate? why all the dislikes? Really appreciate your advice thanks!
Patrick Olson, honestly, I don't look at that anymore. Thanks for being here.
This channel makes my life easier for me and my child. Binge-watch🙂
Irene Tivz, binge away, no calories here.
Hey if you are looking for something for your kids to do check out Tiger Claw Karate Dojo. It is free
my mom always used "Just wait till your dad gets home"
Al May, so many have used that one.
Sent this to my Asian Mom:
*she said that “He is not professional”.*
Milk Fan, thanks for sharing.
Guess what.... she was right. Be cautious of taking advice from people how to raise your kids specially from so called "experts." Every child is different, and you will notice that as it grow up, it is going to do what it feels best for it. Same as when you were growing up.
I grew up with the philosophy that we are perfect already and perfection includes potential for change. I still believe that everyone is perfect.
Wonderful philosophy, Khataroo. We are perfect for our circumstances and the challenges we face. Inspiring.
My favorite saying is "There's always room for improvement."
Love it, I am into personal development.
Wow thank you!! First time mom and I have a 2 year old , he is a dare devil and I’m always catching myself telling him “ be careful” , I would definitely be using this advice about going where he is and keep a close eye and cheering him on instead of shouting or telling him be careful lol . 🙏
Yadira, kudos to you on being a conscious parent - keep up the great work. I think you might also appreciate the Parenting Power-up Audio Course I did with my wife, Vicki. You can get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com
DrPaul
This video is great! I’m just holding my 2 weeks old baby and have so much to learn.... those are things we say without giving a second thought
Danielle, I am so happy for you. We have had two grandchildren born recently and they are so wonderful.
I love this! Because there's always room to grow. Thank you, God bless.
Rosie g., honored to be on your team.
I immediately see a red flag when people say "never"...however, I appreciate this video. I just don't like the headline. I agree with your points...including pointing out that none of these things are terribly destructive..there is just a better way. Most parents mean well, they just aren't aware that unintended messages can come through. And we do not always have time to go through the "long version" in the moment.
Yes Lydia, my editor tells me to never use the word “never” and always avoid the word “always”
I heard a long time ago to not say "be careful" I noticed I was saying often right before leaving them or they were leaving for school or a day out or something, and I noticed it was to make myself feel better. Really when you think about it, be careful means nothing. Accidents happen even if you are careful.
Right Katie - somehow we think that helps, but it doesn't really accomplish much. DrPaul
I always say be safe instead of be careful.
I always say take care.. How about that?
"Make good choices" yelled loudly out the car door in front of all of their friends. My kids & I would jokingly say that to each other after we watched Jamie Lee Curtis say it to Lindsey Lohan in Freaky Friday, I think it was.
I would not try to tell people what to do or be when they leave my presence. Just what would be better is to say..."You're in my heart."
My autistic daughter thinks ok is a negative because we would say "it's ok." When comforting her. That was when I realized that it's actually kinda messed up to say it's ok when the child clearly does not feel ok.
I get it. We can tailor our words to our situation and what makes sense for us. Glad you took the time to listen to your daughter and her perception.
I just found your channel...love it!! I have a granddaughter who is 2-1/2...I have to get my daughter to watch too. Very valuable lessons for all to learn...I love your humor also!! Thank you so much!
My pleasure Patricia - honored that you are watching and sharing! DrPaul
Practice makes progress!
And I am practicing everyday.
i hated being told "it's okay. you're okay." when things weren't. it seemed like i was never allowed to have bad feelings/days.
recently i caught myself saying the same thing to my son when he was upset and realized how much it stresses me to see him frustrated like this. how do i allow myself and him to let it out?
RS thanks for your question. I think empathy is part of the answer here. If you can find a way to reflect back what he is feeling, sometimes that gives a chance for him to process and work through his own feelings. "I can see that you're frustrated" for example, without trying to change that. I think you might also appreciate the Parenting Power-up Audio Course I did with my wife, Vicki. You can get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com
DrPaul
thank you for your reply!
I turned it into "are you okay". Then I tell him, tell mom. Tell me, are you hurt? Did you get hurt? I think its ok because he has started to hug me and even offer a kiss when hes done being scared over what happened. I usually know if Im doing something right cos he feels good about it and lets me know.
Stop treating kids like they're made of glass, they want to be talked to like they are regular people. If your kid is upset about something, ask them, point blank "what's wrong/what's going on?". And if they dont want to talk about it, dont push the subject just let them know that you're available and willing to hear them when they're ready to talk. And if you suspect it's something serious, throw in a "you can talk to me about anything, I won't be upset."
Oh gosh, my family motto is "practice makes perfect". Not that I'm strict and make them take piano lessons or whatnot. Now i feel bad. I only say it when they're trying something new and are struggling. I say "see that plane flying through the sky? The pilot was not born knowing how to fly that plane, they had to practice until they got the knack, then it eventually became an easy task. So if you practice at anything, you should be able to do it. Some things you will be better at than others though, so practice what youre good at" I bet thats all wrong? I'm just a single mother trying my best.
I think that's fine! A lot of times it's less the words themselves and more of the general tone and attitude that is important. You're clearly not judging them for not being perfect, and your example about the plane is showing to them that working hard will let you improve. I think it's just the growth mindset that is most important, not exact words themselves.
Rebecca G., I love the plane analogy, so easy to understand and visual. Thanks.
Pretty good. I like the improvement on about "dont talk to strangers."
Thank you, Racheal Noble. Glad you enjoyed the video.
Thanks a lot for your videos. I'm trying to be a better father for my chield.
You can do it! We are here to help.
I love your kind and reasonable explanations! Thank you so much. ♡
You are so welcome!
On the last point about helping a kid... I ask my son all the time "may I help you." His usual response is "no, I got it." But there are times he still gets frustrated and can't finish what he's trying to do and he'll come back to my offer to help and ask me. I've learned that his stubbornness requires this progression, lol. IDK if that falls in line with your recommendations, but I do find it helps move things along productively.
I love that you get his permission. Awesome.
Best 12 minutes of my life. Thank you for your guidance 🧡
Monica Lauren Lopez, honored to be on your team.
The honor is mine Sir, you make the world a better place 🌤
I had an art teacher in high school that always said " practice makes better." I've always liked that.
We get better at whatever we practice, so we should choose carefully what we practice! DrPaul
Daniel tiger "just keep trying you'll get better try try try"
Life lessons are really that simple, Patricia Lancaster. Reminds me of the book, "Everything I needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten."
Excellent ideas. Wording is everything. Children are very vulnerable to what and how, we say to them.
Amy R, yes, and body language along with that.
Paul is awesome! I appreciate his insight and approach.
Thanks Tim - nice to "see" you here. DrPaul
1.) Great job
2.) Practice makes perfect
3.) You’re okay
4.) Hurry up
5.) I’m on a diet
6.) We can’t afford that
7.) Don’t talk to strangers
8.) Be careful
9.) No dessert
10.) Let me help
Just don’t create a narcissistic child by walking on eggshells lol
Thanks, Nina.
Let me help is something you should say
Good points, but I don't know if I can totally get on board with number 6. It's straight to the point and we leave nothing to the imagination and we are being completely honest.
These are stupid!
Demand better,and let them know they did a great job.
Teach them there will always be others who do better than them and that is ok.
Being the fastest doesn't mean the best.
Being the slower with precision is best.
Every child is an individual.
My mother was not soft spoken and only whipped our butts when we did something wrong,and we knew we did we had it coming.
There must be a certain amount of discipline for bad behaviour.
The world is full of mean nasty people.
Teach respect where respect is given.
Treat others the way you want to be treated,and avoid disrespectful people.
@@boneheadedfellow13 These experts went to liberal indoctrination camps.
Listening to you saying these things lets them sound SOOOO obvious and easy to do !!!!
Patricia Sauermann, simple and easy are not the same. They can take all of our patience.
I love your positive videos. Give me such a great deal of guidance and confidence in parenting.
Glad to have you at Live On Purpose, stephanie Ori-Orison.
I love that the pop up when you're talking about "practice makes perfect" has a misspelling in "working". I'm not sure if that is there on purpose or if it was a mistake, but it was timely.
Nada Sheppard, this video was done a while ago, I can't remember if it was done on purpose. Haha. Good catch.
The "Im on a diet" is so true. I take my daughter with me to my power lifting gym. She gets to see all different types of bodies lifting weights. My gym only has about 80 members but everyone is so sweet to my daughter. As far as "don't talk to strangers" I totally agree, Its the people that she has contact with often that are way more of a risk. It's okay to say hi to people and be talkative.
layla s, thank you for commenting.
I think parenting the right way is the most important skill we need to work on these days as a society because the world has become so much more challenging, confusing and unforgiving, and that is what our children will be stepping into. They need to be mentally strong and highly adaptive to find their place in it.
Prasad Shrivatsa, so true, and we need to have those experiences to make us the people we need to be.
Think the video ridiculous. Parenting is NOT that difficult, but requires patience and common sense. Had 5 children 12 grands, 17 greats. Never did these stupid things. Complements when due, comfort when needed, discipline when required; all because I LOVE THEM, and show it every day. Hugs, kisses, "I think you're a great kid", I'm sending Angels to/with you if you do your best, prayerfully snd lovingly, the kids grow up self confident, kind, loving and generous. Good parents themselves, with high morals and positive attitude. Could we ask for more?
Glad you found the job easy, Lavonne Traylor. Many people were not shown how to do this, it didn't happen in their families. Thank you for watching.
Practice makes progress
Agreed!
Thank you much Sir for giving respect by referring Sabkishiksha”Education for All”. This channel in Hindi to reach rural India so that everyone can get quality education / knowledge about parenting . Truely appreciate your refer to us
thank you for referring.
How about "I hate you" "I don't love you anymore" "I wouldn't care if you got hit by a car" I wish my parents told me I did a great job
Those are hateful words that no one should say to another. You are valued, just because you are here, colorbar.s. I hope you know that.
I'm not a parent, but I think this is really good advice for teachers, coaches, & mentors too
Ess G, yes, it is.
"great job" vs. a long sentence. What works in the lab doesn't always work in the real world. A pat on the back never gets old, even at my old age.
Agreed.
I love your acting.
Ever considered comedy?
Serious! 👌
Not really, Plus Bonus. I am very passionate about my work and helping others. Thank you for watching.
Plus Bonus this is kind of a dick thing to say cos this guy is pretty genuine and we need more genuine people on earth.
I wish parenthood was this simple 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
Simple is not easy. Sooo difficult and we are here for you.
SUPER FANTASTIC! These vids help me sooooo much!!
Thank u
Pleased to hear it! Thanks for watching. Also, you'll probably appreciate the Parenting Power-up Audio Course that's coming out soon. We have some specific tips and tricks for parents that you might find very helpful. Connect here: parentingpowerup.com - DrPaul