How To Get Kids To Listen Without Yelling
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- Опубліковано 13 лис 2017
- Would you like to know how to get kids to listen without yelling? Sometimes our kids don't listen to us until after we've asked them 10 times and resort to yelling. While we are training them, they are training us.
I share ways that encourage them to listen without any yelling.
2 Rules:
1. Some things you control, other things you don't.
2. Pay attention to the things you do control.
Watch and Enjoy!
Dr. Paul Jenkins
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What If My Child Just Doesn't Care About Consequences - ua-cam.com/video/Eu9_EXaVzOo/v-deo.html
Pppp
What about adults ?
@@syd9200 natural consequence for the win.... sadly you may have to let the adult experiance the natural consequence of their behavior before they are willing to admit there's an issue.... and definantly don't make it easier on said adult....and youmight have to clearly layout the consequence verbally then after they screw up anyway point out that they made their own life harder.... grown ups are A LOT harder then kids...but in truth consequences in the way most think of them as a punishment,... you do xyz your grounded....dont work....the more natural the consequence the more effective....
the reason punishment (parent given consequences) doesnt work is because once the threat of that consequence is gone...so is the compliant behavior. true change and compliance only happens when the person needing the change SEEs and UNDERSTANDS why the behavior is unacceptable and WANTS to change the offending behavior. Other wise, the behavior change is only temporary.
@@katiedangelo404 hey this advice is better than the whole video.
@@PhillGaul I dont know if I'd agree that ots better then the video, I tend to think he puts most of my thoughts and behavior management practices into words others can understand better. But the idea behind punishment vs. Consequences needs to change because they are not the same thing. This therapist, using the 2 ideas interchangeably, were as I think that is a mistake. Punishment is more about controling an individual that teach and molding a human being. In the world of disabilities the word punishment is not allowed... because ig is punitive, and only creates a false behavior modification. This becomes apparent as the individual changes environments and responsible adults, the behavior changes... if the fear of threat of punishment goes away the behavior returns. Kids are tiny humans that lack the ability to communicate their feelings functionally. Yet we treat them like tiny pets, training them to behave. Think about a child crying because it's time to leave mc donalds... most parent have little patients to deal with the melt down when it's time to leave. They pick them up, often angry them selves and carry them out, often with a spanking of some kind for the tantrum.... rather then taking g 2 minutes to listen and explain and WAIT for compliance. Punishment actually works against building trust. Where as consequences are not parent given... they occur whether your with the child or not, they aren't based on getting caught. Those things.... create TRUE behavior change.... and last into adulthood....
Watch this at 1.5 speed. You're welcome.
Hahaha
Thanks
Or x 2
Noel Leavitt thanks this helped a lot!
Thank you 🤣🤣🤣
My sister taught me decades ago to give your children choices but that both of the choices were in your favor and let me tell you it worked like a dream.
Danette McKinnon, glad to hear it.
Kind of like our political system!
@@highlanderc hahahhaha good one
Gonna try this
Yep, it’s broccoli or spinach,, choose one .
I'm a homeschool mom and I work 12 hour nights at a hospital in the ICU.
My husband is not much help, and doesn't get involved with the children. Our girls are 6 and 2 and wow!! I hide in the restroom or closet at least 5xs a day to cry because I hate yelling but the girls run a muck and really do not listen about anything.
I try to reach out to family for help but it always comes with judgement rather than with genuine advice or actual help.
I love my children, they are the biggest blessing and the best gift that the Lord ever gave to me, so, for me, it's such a horrible feeling when you feel defeated against your own children.
God bless you. Thank you for this video. Currently in the restroom crying at 10 a.m. 😂 I'll dry these tears and get back to steppin' with this advice at heart.
You need help. With working 12 hour nights and home schooling that is a lot to take on. Get some counseling so your and your husband can communicate better and help one another or seek for an alternative to lower your stress.
Me too I cry after shouting at my son
Hi @acbd6135 I admire your strength here. How do you do it. I would love to homeschool my kids but I am working full time. I am thinking to negotiate my working hours with my company but what’s holding me back is if I can really do it
@@KKFloralDesigns I feel also very very bad...
My lesson is the kids learn from parents' behavior. If you yell, get angry and frustrated, they will start doing those too. So if you don't want your kids to get mad, frustrated, or yell, you better not. Those are the things you control and make sure you control them well.
kursorken, our children do learn from us.
My problem isn't with my own kids, it's with the kids I nanny... they pretty much only respond to bribery and talk about how much they love or hate their parents depending on what their parents bought for them. I refuse to bribe them because I never did that with my own kids and I don't think it's right. But just hearing, "I don't like mommy because she didn't give me ____ toy, but I love daddy because he bought me the new Lego set", is just so upsetting. Love isn't about gifts. I just don't know where to begin when I'm trying to teach a couple 3-5 year olds not to be materialistic.
So true!
Really it’s more about having consequences sooner. You can speak calmly to them all day and they’ll ignore it unless there are consequences
This reminds me of a story I heard years ago about a mom frustrated with trying to get her older kids to clean their rooms. She said to them, you can pick up your clothes, and your stuff off the floor or I can do it for you, but you won't like it when I clean up because I like my rooms to be spotless. The kids of course, ignored this, and they came home to rooms that were bare. She'd left them with a set of night clothes, their school uniforms and sports gear, and pens and paper to write on, but everything that was on the floor or otherwise not put up was gone. They then had to earn each item back one day at a time by proving everyday that they could clean up after themselves and keep things tidy. Yeah, those kids learned to respect what their mom said after that!
Love that story for a lot of reasons Banyo - I think we train our kids and they train us. I bet she had far fewer problems after that little learning experience. Thanks for watching! DrPaul
Banyo just did that last week. My daughter hasn't earned anything back in a week. I'm about to start throwing things away one by one daily, right before her eyes.
Maybe donate, instead of throw away with the message that if she can't respect your rules, you'll give her stuff to someone who will.
I like this going to remember this when I have a kid
How do you get that to work ? my daughter is nine now and I've done that with her for years and I've literally cleaned out her room and thrown everything out a couple times because she didn't care if she got it back she really didn't care at all anything I've took didn't matter to her, I don't know if she's trying to outsmart me or what but earning things back didn't work either I would get so mad because I paid money for the stuff she didn't want to earn it back after begging me to buy it, she's really doesn't care and I still don't know what to do about her
I’m a teacher of 3-6yo children. My way of getting their attention without yelling is talking to them politely and I always have to be intentional about it. I make eye contact, I try my best not to call them from a far. I make sure I get their attention before I start talking. It works.
Some great tips, Racheal Gondo. Thank you for sharing.
Really its a great tip to me
What do you do after the 7-9th time you do that and they still continue the same behavior? Honest question. I have a 4 yo and 8yo and they are at each other’s throats all the time.
Yes. Kids live in their own worlds just like us. We need motivation to move. They have less motivation for clean than we do. But connection is so valuable, that works.
@@kittycat8222 bring out the ice cream!! ☺ make 2 cones......
Offer it as a 'consequence' to those who comply with your request.??
Works for me !!😉
This is great. I’m a grandma now but as a mom I was a yeller, none of my kids are, but my daughter with kids gives them 1000 warnings. I just sent her this so we can both learn correctly 👏👏👏👍
Love that!
Grandma I am all full I swear. Plz don't give me any more food!
Amazing, My parents where yellers, I'm not, (well not as much ^^ sometimes I have to) my wife's parent weren't and she now is a yeller, and what a yerller -.- , they don't listen to her
"Our kids train us…to respond to them in a way that they've trained us to respond to them."
Nice sentence. ;-)
(and great info)
Exactly! Honored to be on your team!
I didn’t think this would work. And I just tried it with my 4 year old & worked like a charm! I didn’t raise my voice. Gave her 2 options. Clean your room or go to bed and she said “I will clean my room” and I said “okay”. We shall see what tomorrow brings ! Thanks
Keep it up, Jada Mason. It takes consistency and follow through. Revel in your success, even if it is only one day.
My kids kept playing when I said go wash your hands for dinner. I said the second time, go wash your hands or you get no dinner. They washed right away lol!
that is awesome congratulations
The first time I watched this, it had become time for my 3 year old to go to bed. I told him it's bedtime. He said no. I told him, "You can either walk up to bed yourself, or I can carry you". He wanted me to carry him of course, but it was a choice I was okay with. And he went to bed perfectly fine, no tantrums and no yelling from mom
Ashley Smith, great! That is a perfect example.
I thought it was funny (and sweet) to discover sometimes they do want the comfort of us doing a thing.
I like that I think I have read this on a Montessori website. I love this to give the kid some sence of being in control.
My boy only went to sleep if we carried him. Challenge accepted. Free hugs with his sleepy arms. Win/Win
My son wants to be the fastest runner in the world. So first one upstairs wins. He beats me every time.
I just watched a good video by another parenting coach on this topic. She said get the kid’s attention, tell them what you want them to do, and if they don’t respond don’t yell, but tell them to walk over to where you are, and tell them again. She said be consistent, and they’ll get tired of having to stop and walk to where you are.
I like that. Hopefully the kids would walk over.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV yea, true!
Parents need to be in authority, and not let the kids run the house. Good video.
Children need both love and discipline.
This guy is a genius ive been using this for the past 2 weeks on my two year old girl and i was so suprised to see that this did work. Ive been using it with everything. This morning my lil girl didnt wanna put her clothes on. My wife was having so much trouble and so i said let me see if this will work and i told ava " daddys gonna give you two choices, u can put your clothes on or daddy can put your clothes on, and i handed her the shirt and she did try to put it on but after she couldnt do it she gave it to me and sit still while i put it on her. I was so freaking happy.
Yes! The Flying Spaghetti Monster does it again. Happy parenting! Thanks for watching. DrPaul
I'm so glad to see someone with a toddler also that this worked for. My daughter will be 3 in a week and she's very intelligent, so she's great at swindling lol. I always feel terrible when I raise my voice at her. I'm going to start using this. When she gets upset and starts throwing a tantrum, I ask her to stop yelling because I can't understand what she needs if she is crying/yelling. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but I feel it's worth sharing. Other times I just wait until she calms down or get upset myself, which I'm working on patience.
thealex46810 sounds about like me and my daughter lol
I need to watch this once a week, so I can remember!!!
I am honored, Chrissy BeTalking! Thank you. We have more ideas for you on our Positive Parenting playlist: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html
Me toooo lmao
Haha so true!❤️
Great video! I think all parents should take classes on how to motivate the child. We take classes on childbirth, but not how to effectively parent!
😪😪 soooo true
I have been butting heads with my 5 year old. It’s like a switch flipped and suddenly he wanted to argue about literally everything. He would tell me no. I fell into that trap of raising my voice to get him to listen. The day was just packed with ineffective time outs. Day after day of this was wearing on both of us. We were just grumpy around each other.
Then I stumped across these videos in my search for help. I am not kidding you guys, the first day I tried giving choices, the first day I told him that I was only going to ask once. He tested one time and I followed through. Today is day 3 and we haven’t had a single time out. He’s listen the first time almost every time (exceptions being near to bedtime so expected, but I still followed through).
I went from feeling almost resentful when the day would start, knowing it was going to be another day of battling and tantrums and timeouts. Now I’m eager to go get him when he starts to wake up in the mornings. Motherhood has become joyful for me. Thank you so so much, from the bottom of my sanity, thank you.
Thank you, Squirrely Squirrel, for sharing your experience. This does work. Please share with others so we can continue the channel.
This is so intuitive. I yell until I'm faint. Thanks Doc. Paul
Better days ahead as you remain calm and parent on.
Im a single mom of a three year old. I’m 23 and he’s my first child so I’m just winging it. Idk why it took me so long to finally find your channel!!!
Well I am sure glad you're here now, Diamond Kendall! You're getting more of a head start than many parents. Please feel free to browse our Positive Parenting playlist for lots of different topics: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html. Honored to have you a part of the Live On Purpose family.
Great.
You're way ahead of the game!! I'm 42 with my 2nd child and I'm just learing this. When my daughter was born 16 years ago there was no UA-cam!!!! I was winging it the whole way 😭
@@ninamarise237 Cheers.
Thank god im not the only one struggling, its hard to be a parent...
Far from it, Shaylie Tang. We have many parents on the channel who are trying to better themselves and yell less. Thank you for joining the Live On Purpose family.
Parents in the community should support each other more, there should be groups where they all meet up and talk about stuff. Too many people live in their own bubble
It is
Welcome to the club
Chileeeeeeee....
OMG! I am so so proud of my wife!!!! She do all these things without ever reading or watching about them
Petar Kolev, she sounds like a wonderful mom.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV and she trully is
Kind question: then, why‘re you here?
Go get her a trophy 🙄
Gold information! However as a father who only sees their child after work I come prepared with love and patience so it's easier for me to keep calm and give then choices. For a mother though having spent 24/7 with the child it seems so much harder to keep calm and think on every sentence we ask them before blowing up. I've told my wife that she shouldn't fight with things that are out of her control too but at the spur of the moment it's just hard to control when you are stuck with the child all day long. Whoever is the bread bringer please be patient and loving to the primary care taker of your child they really have it rough and are desperate for your affection.
Quak Face, this is wonderful. Thank you for sharing. If more people thought about their partner, there would be less problems in relationships.
Just tried this on my 5 year old, do you wanna be quite or do you wanna have tablet free day??? He said tablet free day and now he's upset lol 😂😂😂
Nyleve Eiram: Life Of A Single Mother, be careful what you ask for, right?
Nyleve Eiram: Life Of A Single Mother, be careful what you ask for, right?
@@LiveOnPurposeTV pretty much. I had gave him a count of five to make a decision and he choose a tablet free day. I had gave him a half day and told him this will be your pick almost every single time and I will not go back on my word.
The struggle is real hahaha! I feel you! 😂😂👏🏾
😂😂😂😂
When it's bed time.. my 3 yr old never wants to.. so I say "race you" and she jumps up and races me to bed lol
Nick Clutterbuck, challenge accepted.
thats what I love about being a mom. my daughter will be crying and fighting to go to bed, and no amount of negotiating will help. so instead of dragging her to her bed where she will continue to cry, I simply get up, run silly and dive onto her bed, I get under the covers to "hide". I hear her stop crying, start giggling and she runs and jumps into the bed too
My mom use to do that with me when I was a kid for getting ready haha. It got me moving and was always pretty fun.
Lol way yo "Wind down" 😏
Classic
The key takeaways in this video are very helpful. My brain overwhelms me with thoughts and ideas on how to be a better parent and this video helped simplify it! Acknowledge and separate what you can control and what you cannot control, give them choices. Yelling is reinforcing and increases the behavior, consequences decrease the behavior and you can do so in a loving nurturing way. Taking notes!
Thank you for being here at the channel.
I love the delivery of this message! So easy to understand and apply. Genius! Thank you!
Mom of 6 here. My kids honestly blow me away with how responsible they can be! I know they're capable, but we have trained each other WRONG just like was described in this video. And I'm wanting to make it RIGHT! I need to set myself up to be prepared to give them good choices.
Thank you, Dr, for acknowledging that it's NOT malicious behavior. I suffered a long time thinking it was and feeling devastated by their choices all the time- particularly my oldest who's a tween. Then I learned from my mother in law -and my mom- HOW to love my children. (Titus 2:4) She loved my kids with her words and actions. I could see that demonstrated and then I saw for myself that I can love them and forgive them when they wrong me. BUT my parenting and guiding of them has still been lousy. (My mil is awesome with these techniques, btw, they come naturally to her. They don't come naturally to me.). So anyway, I'm looking forward to binging these Live On Purpose videos and figuring out how to parent better for myself.
Oh, and how to help my husband parent better too. 😉
Jessica, thank you for your wonderful comment. You are the mother your children need.
Hope you are getting some professional help so you don’t mess up your kids.
I needed this at the right time. Thank you. My head is about to explode but I love my son and I hate shouting or yelling at him.
You are welcome, Kaye Nikkolle Uson. Honored to be on your team! We have more for you on our Positive Parenting playlist: ua-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html
I also want to inform you that I just launched Live On Purpose Central, which has more positivity and parenting tips, as well as open office hours with me. Here's the address if you want to check it out: liveonpurposecentral.com/order-form1590696228507
once I caught myself yelling too often at my son. Then I decided to do something about it. Next time I asked my son, "Do you want me to start yelling?" "No," he said. "So, do what I just told you in a nice voice." And he did. I repeated this some more times and he always chose to obey so I wouldn't yell.
That is a brilliant idea, Sanda Thomollari. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. So happy to have you here at Live On Purpose TV.
And that’s the choice you gave him. Choice Parenting works.
Yelling breaks my heart too
You videos saved my family from so much stress, and brought peace back into our lives.
Wonderful, we are here to help save and enrich key relationships.
Giving them a choice works for me. I used to tell my 7 year old to go to the toilet before we leave the house. He'd argue and shout he didn't need it and refused to go. Then I changed it to "you can use the upstairs or downstairs toilet" and that works much better.
Wonderful! You got this.
You are a Godsend. I prayed the other night for God to lead me to effective discipline for my child and I came across 2 of your videos, this being one of them. I applied this technique and for 2 days now my 5 year old son's behavior has been calm and pleasant and I and my husband have been more calm and pleasant. Thank you so much for your wonderful and helpful advice. God bless you dearly.
You are so welcome, Rebecca W, we are honored to be on your team.
My wife counts to three and if her request is not done, the kid has an electronic free day. Works like a charm everytime.
Nice Will - thanks for the comment! DrPaul
Will Keyes Electronic free. So your improving his upbringing😂
Counting to three is my go to! Ive even caught myself counting to my husband. 😂😂
Ya it was my trick on my children ..they rapidly do what I want ...one of my friend asked that what happened after 3 if they didn't obey.... I said nothing 😁😁😁 psychology has built
I do this too. Smart woman. 😊
These video lessons have been nothing less than a miracle!!! I've been giving my grandon choices, and just this one little tip has avoided so many three year old melt downs! Just this evening he didn't want to take a bath, but I gave him a simple choice, you take a bath now, or after you play in your room. He didn't even pause, he made the choice to to take a bath instead of playing in his room. WOW! Where were you THIRTY years ago,...??? Thank you Live on Purpose TV!!!
Leah Garcia, thank you for letting me know. Glad you tried it out.
Okay, so this worked wonders right away. I feel like I'm literally the dad in this video. My son is especially difficult with listening because he's on the spectrum. So today he came home from school, I went into the bathroom and a bunch of his clothes were on the floor along with his shoes. I asked him nicely like 3 times. Finally I said "you can either pick up your clothes now, or clean the entire bathroom later." And man, he jumped right up and got it done. Great advice. Thank you.
You are welcome.
I feel like I am always a bully and a tyrant. I am 'giving' orders because I feel like when I 'ask'....I get ignored. It's extremely frustrating. I am not an aggressive person but having kids (one, in my case) is they bring you to all sorts of levels and have you do what you never thought you would. UGH.....
So true Georgeanne - we learn a lot about ourselves when we become parents. Keep at it! Apply the principles you learn here and hopefully you will have a much more positive experience. Let's turn this into an adventure. DrPaul
I have learned why tigers eat their young!! (kidding, sorta)
Good for you for being so honest. So many people try to pretend that they're the perfect parents, and I appreciate you bringing some Humanity to a very tough job.
Georgeanne Panos my daughter just turned 2 and she has always been willful and very disobedient. I feel that i really need an instruction manual...She brings me to the point that I yell just for her to listen. Even still she just does her own thing.
That is what being a parent is about. Giving orders, watching, protecting, regulating, leading and all around a lot of work. If you are not in to these things don't become a parent.
I am a childcare teacher they teach us this in school. Some parents would benefit from taking the early childhood class. It gives you an insight on children that is mind blowing. Most people have a hard time with 2-3 year olds. At that age they act on impulse. Giving them choices is the best way to go believe me. Or you will give yourself a headache.
Thank you for your comment, Imani Bryant. The principles are universal. Thank you for watching.
Struggling with my 21 month old, this child is a busy body & im here cause im tired of always being angry at the poor child for doing things he's supposed to be doing at his age 😭😭😭 He's even scared of me now, so i realised i need more insight on how to raise a toddler. Raising a child without help during a pandemic is so hard, especially since schools and recreational places are closed in Botswana. Will look into early chilhood classes online, thank you.
@@lauramannathoko7991 You’re not alone❤️🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️🤗
@@savedbygrace6108 ❤
Yeah, I started giving my son choices around 6 months actually. Now he is 3 and currently learning checkers and loves chess, coding and learning. He’s a critical thinker and I’m grateful even for his pushbacks because he and I have established choices and me listening and not yelling ... You’d be surprised at how receptive a child can be. He’s also been helping in the kitchen since 14 months. Sure, I was a nanny off and on for 13 years, but no child is the same. At the end of the day, I have tons of experience inside and outside of the classroom setting, but I lean on my intuition, my childcare trainings and the simple fact that I never enjoyed being yelled at by a really big human when I was a child. Good success to all!
Me: "Would you like A or B?"
My 2-year-old: "No!" 🤣
That is why you control one of the options, put it into play.
Dr Paul, your advice is pure gold 🥰 "Think vs fight" is so wise 🌟 Thank you so much for helping me & parents around the world to be a better parent 👩👦💗 God Bless you and all families 💗🙏👼✝️
You are so welcome, M.
As a classroom teacher, this is the simplest and most practical advice I have heard to manage my teenage classroom. Thank you sir!!
Thomas Hacker Forged Knives, I can tell this is going to be a fabulous year for you and the class.
What do you say to teenagers, example please?
@@LiveOnPurposeTV eeeeeè
@@RogerPack two year old comment, always sad that they don’t respond but you can’t blame them. If you look at their name and profile picture, looks like they have a different job now.
nvm just looked at their channel, can’t really tell
thank you so much for this... I hate yelling at my son...thank you..
I'm honored to be on your parenting team - thanks for watching DeM- Ming! DrPaul
Should check out The Parenting Junkie for more info on peaceful parenting. If you work hard enough to break the habit, you can have a functioning household with kids that do what you ask them to do and respect you, all without ever yelling or bribing, and while maintaining a really solid, happy relationship between you and your kids. Remember, no matter what, kids are people just like anyone else, and we should treat them with the same respect that we treat our coworkers, family, and friends. :)
I wish my mom was like you. She does it so much I think she enjoys it.
misscarson your mom is probably a narcissist or other cluster b personality then sometimes it’s not the child but the parent
DeM- Ming
Nevi s san Called Charlie is a little baby cry and don’t like voice some kids and
people likes seeing little baby called Charlie so cute
Sir, you are responding to each and every comment! Hundreds of them! Haven't seen something like this before. I respect you for being so respectful of others and taking out so much time and energy to help!!
I try, a little behind right now, hope to catch up this weekend. I love to interact with the audience.
This was so awesome. Yelling at my kids is breaking my heart. I love them too much. This was so helpful in your delivery. Thank you!
Thanks for watching Victor! Check out some of the other vids on the positive parenting playlist here on the channel - I think you'll resonate with them. DrPaul
Live On Purpose TV I will add them to my library. Thank you so much!
Ditto
Same here!!
I found that if I went up closer to the kids before speaking to them, I got their attention better. Then if I spoke in a quiet voice, they often became quiet to hear me. It's amazing how often that works. Then I tried to give them a time. E.g. it's 5 minutes before bed time so finish that bit of colouring in and then I'll be back. I always read them a bed time story so I'd say, "Johnny, you're first tonight" and x we'd walk off to do toilet teeth and story. Then I'd do the other. That bit of quiet one on one story time really settled them for bed.
You are a genius !!!!!! It works !!. Even with picky eaters !!. You can eat your chicken and have a treat after or you don’t eat it and you don’t get to chose a treat . Plus reinforcement and follow through !!!!!. I swear I almost fell off my chair when he ate the chicken lol
Sharon you rock! Thanks for sharing this, it made my day. Honored to be on your parenting team! DrPaul
Live On Purpose TV thank you thank you Dr Paul I actually laughed so hard at this . I haven’t laughed in so long !!. My son is on the Autism spectrum so discipline can be very problematic. Because it’s hard to differentiate the bad behaviour with the autism behaviours . I tried it with tidying up earlier too . Do you want to tidy your toys ?. Or will mommy tidy them with this trash bag !!!! Lol it was hysterical he said “ no thanks mom I’ll do it “ lol Yaaaaaaaaas !! A mom win !!!! .
@@MsSharon2011 I struggle with differentiating the bad behaviors and the ASD behaviors as well. Sometimes they're obvious... other times.. not so much. Ive tried the trash bag thing, my son didn't even seem to care. lol thank you for sharing!
That’s horrible... chicken is junk food.
God O remember the time my mother had full authority over us there was no picky eaters or misbehaving ever! I hate that I have to tip toe around my kids to not upset them or play mind games with them to make them listen.
I’ve learned so much with my kids. I thought I have a lot of patience. But your kids will test you. I do the same thing with my kids give them option. But if you promised something you need to do it too.
R R, agreed! Follow through on promises creates trust, something that will go a long way in a relationship.
I have two teens and one young adult child, and I remember doing this often. I think it gives kids confidence and a sense of being able to choose their own destiny. But now I have a two year old granddaughter so I need a little technique refreshing! So thanks for this.
Thanks for stopping by, Jenn.
I tell my daughter, you can pick this outfit or this one, both of which I picked out 😂😂. Works great for my 3 year old who is very strong willed. As well as disciplining after the first time! Agree 100%
Nice application Tiff's House! DrPaul
Tiff's House I give two choices that I also pick to my super strong-willed 5 year old son... works well... he'll try the "you are not loving,you are a bad mom"... but I say... that's fine that you think that of me but the choices still stands😂😂😂😂
I try this with my extremely strong willed daughter and she says "uh niether..hate em both" then proceeds to pick something else out 😧. Far different than my 17 year old son who still wouldnt mind if i picked out his clothes LOL.
Tiff's House I tried this method with my daughter when she was young and she took my two or three choices and just threw them across the room and said “none of those!”
Ugggh
That's perfect! Those items get IMMEDIATELY donated. And, she can go to school in her pjs with a note explaning why. The next day, she may repeat it, may not. If she repeats, they go away. It won't be long before she doesn't have much left to choose from :) Just a thought!
I came here looking for classroom management tools and to dispense with yelling. Two choices...that is helpful.
Many of the principles in the videos can be applied to other situation such as teaching. Daycare centers have put them into practice with much success. Thank you for watching.
Me: "Nobody is watching the TV." (directed at teenager in kitchen who is using the computer 😊) "Would you like to turn it off, or would you like me to? Either way is OK with me."
Teenager: (with attitude) "Ooohhh, look who's all high and mighty!"
Me: (secretly smiling to myself as teenager immediately turns off computer and returns to watch the TV.) 🥳🥳
Your advice... Think - vs - Fight...
I think this applies equally to parents. If we take the time to think ahead and plan the x2 choices, especially for problematic scenarios, it helps us to think (not fight).
Very helpful. I've just subscribed!
Thank you, Deb Cz. You are right.
This is great. I’m a grandma now but as a mom I was a yeller, none of my kids are, but my daughter with kids gives them 1000 warnings. I just sent her this so we can both learn correctly
Love this, generations working together. You got this.
I have used this with my two year old and we've definitely seen improvements! The biggest being when we are out and about. I can say "you can hold mommy's hand or I can carry you" there were a few fits thrown but she has gotten to the point where she'll either hold my hand right away or reach up to be carried! Hoping to incorporate this rule in many other areas!
leah bevins, they learn your words are gold, meaning you will follow through.
I use this method as well, it works most of the time…. Except when my child tells me that he wants to have a third choice 😂😂
Oh my. I actually came across this gem on my own today in home goods. Maybe I am getting better at this ❤ it worked too. I'm so tired of hollering at him
My two year old doesn’t even understand me when I speak 😢
I: "Do you want to make shapes with straws or should mommy put them in the box?"
Toddler: "No."
Nadira Mesic, then put them in the box. That is why you have control over one of the options. No choice 3, you take action. You got this.
Lol
Listen here you little-
@@catpaws1913 😂😂😭
This happened to me the other day:
Me: "Do you want a piece of cake or do you want a cookie"
Toddler: "Yes" 😂
Listened to this 2 weeks ago, I haven't yell since then, my wife as a longer learning curve since second option she cannot execute. But seeing me using and succeeding is a good incentive! Thank you so much!
Thanks for sharing!
I don't know how I came here, but his advise is gold and it works. Im a special needs teacher. Daylie I teach kids who just don't want to get taught. That is my go to. When I asign them a task they refuse. If I present 2 or 3 tasks and everyone can choose for themselves they miraculously pick one and just do it.
Jane_Friday, thanks for your comment and sharing your experience.
I had never yelled or cursed at my two children. I treated them like little intelligence adults. They became loving, kind and intelligent adults.
Thank you for commenting, Audrey Johnson. Glad you have been able to avoid yelling.
U need to make videos then lol and or a book
Where’s your halo?
Yea...right.....what kind of diet did you have them on, 1 year later...any changes
Congratulations on being perfect. 😂
I don't even have a wife let alone children but I'm watching this to learn in advance because I don't want to have to smack the living heck outta my unborn children.
Mr Colemore, kudos to you. Most people wait until they have problems to see what help is out there. You will be a pro by the time the kids arrive.
Mr Colemore Don’t have kids please
Funny!
When my son was 6, we went to Toys R Us which was 30 minutes away from home(quite a distance for Germans), we had the cart full of toys, Brad was running through the isles and me chasing him all the time, until I had enough, I grabbed him and drove home without buying the toys, he NEVER ran away AGAIN
Mr Colemore l
My dad always told me that one of the worst things a parent can do is keep "threatening" their kids with 'empty threats', and that it's always important to follow through with whatever punishment they've laid out for their child (...hopefully they didn't threaten physical injury or murder, etc). Anyway, I tried to apply this method of "if not this, then ..consequence..." with my first child, as much as possible. For the most part it worked... I tie it in with "by the time I count to 3..." And to this day, if I can't get his attention, all I have to do is start counting (often without even suggesting a consequence at all) and he jumps (irritated) to the occasion. It's like Pavlov's dog or something. *He's 7.5 yo now
My second child, however, has been a bit trickier to work with in this way. She often will act like "I don't care if you take that away from me... I'm gonna keep doing this anyway". I found that threatening to take her dresses away from her is usually the best "weaponry" I've got. :-/ Ugh. It certainly gets harder, the more kids you have to apply this to! After awhile, the mental effort it takes me to remember which consequences/punishments I'm trying to carry out (...sometimes I've had to go hard with statements like "for a WHOLE week" ...or even "month")... and sometimes their punishments conflict (like in the case where one of them has lost screen time, but we're all in the common room where the TV is, etc)... Ahhhhhhh!!!! Needless to say, we've been training each other again for me to start yelling! *My second child is 4 yo, btw
At this point, do you recommend shock collars??? Haha j/k
...Oh, I see the link you posted about what to do when your child doesn't care about consequences. I'll check it out! :-) Thanks!!!
Thank you for commenting. Glad you are here.
I found that it helped to walk over to the kids and first comment on what they were involved in e.g. this leggo castle looks interesting. Then I'd go from that to what was needed but give a time limit. E.g Right now you're building this castle but dinner will be ready soon. I'm going to ask you to pack up in 5 minutes. Then after 5 minutes I'd walk over, lower my voice and say "It's packing up time now." I might even help pack up for the first few seconds so if one of them didn't get it, he'd join in. Lowering my voice was a sure fire way to get attention. In class, I might be teaching at one volume. As soon as I spoke more quietly, the whole room would become quieter.
Yes, that is a truth that we need to learn. Bring it down.
Loved your approach to this. I have 4 boys. My first son we used this approach just as a natural way of parenting and he is a great kid who generally obeys (not always happily, but he does it) and has a very understanding and compassionate heart. By the time we got to kid 3 and 4, we are freaking out because they are just ... nuts ... Looking back on it our lives got crazier and more stressful for a number of years (still in the thick of stressful) and our parenting style changed without really noticing. We got more demanding and angry and less patient. So, no wonder that's how our kids are turning out right? My husband sent me a link to this video after I confessed the need for drastic change - not just for the kids behavior but for me as a mama - and I'm so grateful. Great tips! I'm going to start watching your other videos now. Thank you!
Steph J, take a look at the parenting playlist. There are several good videos I think you would enjoy.
Very informational! I’m a Preschool Teacher so this is GOLDEN!☺️
Thanks for taking the information into the classroom, Queen Mia. Honored to be on your team.
Can you share tips please me also
What choices or words can I use to get 2-3 year olds to sit and listen to story books read to them.
@@MG-hw2db
How about...you can sit and listen to me read or you can go lie down for a nap and I'll read to you...Either way is OK with me...😊
The Nap is the default they hate naps...hope that works...👍🏾
Thank you so much Dr. Paul... Finally I've just came to your video after tons and tons of yelling, crying frustrated days passed. Thanks for the parental guidance. You are doing a great service. Love from India.... 🙏
Glad it was helpful!
This is VERY helpful. I asked my toddler to go potty ten times in a row before I remembered this advice (I’m back to this video after watching it a few months ago). I finally said “do you want to hop like a bunny or crawl like a turtle to the potty?” and he went like a turtle. Thank you 😭
Honored to be on your team.
Omg! I'm so glad I found your video! With this pandemic in a 2 bedroom apartment with a 4 yr old and 11 yr old son, I thought I was gonna lose it. The 4 yr old is special and the 11 yr old tested genius has reverted back to being 4. I feel so bad for yelling till my voice gone. I didn't want to spank or hit them so I scream constantly till I've got migraines. It has to end. I want my boys to do what I ask without all the bickering and fighting they do with every task given. I came home with a new supply of parenting and coping skills from just this one video. I even talked to them, apologized for all the yelling, and they apologized too for being so bad last night during bath time. They really like the idea of us all pressing the restart button and getting this right. Me stopping all the drill sargenting and them stopping all the ignoring mommy. I also definitely can notice and praise the 4 yr old for his accomplishments 30 times during a day. He loves that I notice he did wash his hands or compliment his crayon drawing or just him cutting a light switch off. That's def is working! Question? Got any helpful tips for me and my 11 yr old? He struggles with getting bitten and scratched in his face by his slow brother. And getting blamed when he can't get his brother to comply with assigned task. Please help me. Any advise from any one will be greatly appreciated. I am using the 2 choices technique with some success's. Thank you again. I'm on my own with these 2 . no family or fatherly support around. But I can be taught and am still willing to learn better ways of parenting. God bless.
Monique Augustine, so glad you are here at the channel. I guess I would talk to whoever is expecting your son to make his brother behave, that is not something that should be put on an 11 yr old. Tough to answer in a UA-cam Comment.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Yes I agree, whilst it is nice for the 11yr old to help out, it is not his responsibility. Putting that on him is just going to make him resentful.
THANKS I'm tired of yelling at my 2 little sisters for having to do stuff , you helped alot !!!!!!!!!!
Pleased to hear that Gena - keep up the good work! DrPaul
As a teacher of prek children it works wonders too! Great explanation.🌟
Thanks, Melinda. You are doing wonderful work.
Thank you for the tone requests from 1st friendly to 12th yelling... I think I only had 2 ... nice and firm... but what worked so well when we went to the park or play area in an establishment, we would have a time limit and I would set my watch ( now it would be a phone) and when it's alarm beeped out, my boys heard it, I commented, it's time - they knew that there was one more slide or one more monkey bars run-through, and we were happy to leave together, no chasing 2 toddlers to preteens or calling after them t please let's go. It was great. Also, 2 options at the restaurant, not the entire menu... never did we do that, it was a choice, it was theirs, but only 2, saved alot of time and headaches I have seen other families have.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank You! I am a chronic yeller. I knew I was going the wrong way when all my kid does is yell back. Thank you so much. Pressing "forward" to my husband so he can watch this. Made me laugh too.
Awesome! Thank you Veronica. Honored to be on your team! DrPaul
Can I use this technique on my husband? 🤣
Sure, why not? We are all human.
Live On Purpose TV yep hahaha LOL
lol
😂😂😂
great idea
One time, My mum yelled at my brother, "JONATHAN! Stop behaving like a 2 year old!" Then she realised he was only 2 at the time.
Mars TV cartoons, hopefully there was a good laugh and everyone understood a little more bout two year olds. Just understanding what is "normal" at every age can alleviate a lot of stress.
Wow! This video is such an eye opener. It’s gold 👍🏽 my whole life all I’ve wanted to be is a father and now that I am a new father of two, to me It’s important to have these types of tools and outside perspectives. You got a new subscriber from me. Thanks
Thanks for the sub. Welcome to our Live On Purpose Family.
Thanks a lot, everybody has to know that! Well, I'm a teacher at a secondary school. There's a boy in class 5 who doesn't like to follow rules. In music lessons I gave him two options: You can come with us to join in an experiment or you can stay in class 10 in the meantime. No arguing, no yelling... He only thought about it and became a part of the class working on the experiment.
As long as you are okay with both options, they get to do the thinking. Nice example - thanks for the comment. DrPaul
Thank you SO much Dr. Paul! We've been struggling with this very issue in our home and your video broke it down so plainly and effectively. I've been watching your other videos this week and have started implementing some of your strategies (power struggles) and I am happy to say it's working! We've been able to avoid the tantrums and I feel so relieved to be seeing progress with our son! Thank you for sharing these tools with us!
Glad it was helpful! Honored to be on our team.
Omg...I have been going to specialist to help my family with this exact problem. They always give a basic ideas. They never explain it like you did in this video. I just tried it and both kids are working together to clean their rooms! This is pure gold advice! Thank you!
Yahire, yay! Score one for mom.
All these thumbs up. If you are respectful to your kids and speak nicely to them... they will listen
J W, so true.
Choice making has changed parenting for me. It saves fights, allows my son to understand decision making, and I’m still getting my goal accomplished haha.
Kayla Trausch, you got this!
We were trying to discipline our child. The child was loudly screaming and crying. Later I asked, "Why were you crying and screaming, were you getting hurt?" The child answered "No, I was trying to hurt your ears." !
How very clever of your child. Thanks for watching! DrPaul
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 that made my day ,what a clever kid.
😀💜
🤣🤣🤣
Smart. too smart hahaha
I don't know where this fits in here, but I'm going to share something that happened between me and my then 3 year old son. It seemed that he was constantly spilling things. I was getting more and more frustrated by this and kept telling him over and over to be careful and stop spilling. One day I really lost it and yelled at my little boy, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BE CAREFUL?!" The poor child answered in a sweet quiet voice,"Til I do it right?"
I have to say it was one of the best, if not the very best parenting lesson I ever had, and it came from a 3 year old!
Keep telling them and teaching them until they get it. Also to be more patient with them and yourself.
My little boy is now 52 and he's a really great guy and a very loving father.
Peace and blessings to you all!
Wonderful story, Anna. These kids do teach us a lot.
I just want to say thank you for this video, and for the others in the series about parenting.
My husband and I, despite our best intentions, were really hitting a low point as the parents of a three year old. We both had some dark moments in there that we were ashamed of and it shook our confidence in parenting. I never thought I would yell, I wasn't raised around yelling, but I was really finding myself acting out in ways I never thought possible. I made it all these years never yelling at anyone, but as my husband pointed out, no one has ever treated me like a three year old does.
In the past few days I have been implementing your strategies and they are absolutely diffusing the anger I was experiencing toward my son. I'm finding myself seeking two options, both of which I am OK with, instead of feeling backed in a corner lashing out. I'm also trying to see things from his perspective so I'm creating ways of saying things that make the "right" choice something he wants to do. I'm getting much better at just walking away when he opts not to respond, and then letting him come back to me when he's ready instead of accidentally getting mired in a power struggle. My confidence is returning.
Long story short - it's working for us and I can't thank you enough. You're really helping me and I could tell early on in the video that you had authentic wisdom to share. And you blend actionable tips with deeper more big picture truths - a mixture I appreciate.
I plan to listen to your entire series.
Thank you so much. We were in a very hard place with our parenting and you have pulled us out of it.
Thank you for letting me know. Please share the channel with others who might benefit so we can continue the videos.
I love your energy!
I always give my children options , My son was running in the living room ( which he knows is against the house rules) and therefore knocked over a bin of dirty clothes . I told him he can either pick up the clothes or go to timeout for 10 minutes, he was more than happy to go to time out. 😆
He's weighing out the options and picking what sounds best to him - brilliant kid! DrPaul
You sir, you're gold.
I wish I've known about your channel a long time ago.
You honor me Zuhri Yuhyi. Thank you for watching. And... You couldn't have known about my channel a long time ago since I just launched daily videos in November. Glad to have you on board!
You honor me Auhri Yuhyi. Thanks for watching! And... You couldn't have known about my channel a long time ago because I just launched daily videos in November. Glad you're here. DrPaul
10 years ago would have been great :)
I have been teaching my 2.5 year old this way all her life. She is young but like all kids learns very quickly. I have a lot of patience which any parent can attest to is the thing you need most with kids. Three things I figured out with her, 1st, she always hears what I say, just doesn't always acknowledge it. Secondly, as the Doc said, everyone including her likes choice. Thirdly, encouraging her to respond and acknowledge me results in a better outcome for both of us. The first and third thing tie together very well. They all tie together and result in a calm, listening, respectful child without punishment. I call her by her name, and if she ignores me and continues to play, I say Sally (fake name) please look at me so we can talk. When she looks I say, lunch is ready lets go eat, sometimes she says yes (if shes really hungry) and other times no (if shes having too much fun to realize shes hungry lol). If she says no, I say well you can come to lunch now or in 1 minute, you choose. She chooses the one minute and we set a timer and when it goes off she comes right over. Additionally I have been teaching her to acknowledge us when we speak to her and if she has something she wants to say its better to express than just say no and run off. This has been coming up more because she was beginning to realize that her looking and listening to me resulted in her doing things she didnt necessarily want to do. So in the lunch scenario, if I ask her to come to lunch, and she continues to ignore me, I say, Sally I know you heard me and if you continue to ignore me then you will have to go into time out until you are ready to have a normal conversation with me. I usually also say, if there is something you want to do it would be better for you to tell me now than ignore me, if you tell me what you want then maybe we can workout a compromise (I have taught her what these words mean of course). If she chooses to not listen she ends up stuck in her high chair (time out) until she decides to talk like a normal person, she most often now on the way to the high chair relents and we have a conversation and can determine if a compromise can be made. Basically I am training her to recognize what people are saying, share her desires and wants, and learn that often times compromises can be made where everyone is happy. Sorry for the long rant but just saw the Doc's info coincided with how I have been raising (teaching/training) my daughter.
I love a good confirmation comment. Love it!
This is love and logic institute methods. Based on behavioural techniques, how I raised my boys. It has limits, there needs to be a lot of love and active listening in the game too.
I love the principles in Love and Logic. Kids need love and discipline. If they get too much of one side, they end up going wonky on you.
he’s very likeable...
seems like he would be a good psychologist
Tamara, honored to be on your team! Thanks for your positive comment. DrPaul
So very much, and some comments "complain " about his speech speed, I actually love it, I can understand him so well.
I don't have children but I help my sisters out with nieces and nephews and they can be more than a handful! Thank you so much for the fantastic advice!! I already see a huge change with the kiddies and also my patience 😂You are amazing Dr. Paul 🙌🏾🙌🏾
Thanks Tatianna - so honored to be on your team - glad it is helping! DrPaul
Dr. Paul Every School morning for me and my five year old turns into a fight. My five year old refuses to get out of bed to get ready. I can say you get up and get ready or I will dress you myself and it will cost you but at five he doesn't put value on anything accept maybe a stuffed animal which is night security for him. Any ideas? We need calmer mornings so our days start on a positive note. Thank you!
There is a comment below advising you to listen to this at 1.5x speed. Best advice I’ve gotten in a very long time. Great content in this video, it’s just delivered like he ate a fistful of Xanax.
Andy D, thanks, I have a speech disorder.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV well, since you charge $200 an hour for in person services I think you can chalk that up to a blessing, not a curse! In all seriousness great content.
They ignore because there is no consequence. And by consequence I mean pain.
I loved my parents with all my heart; and got my rearend tore up when I messed up.
Just love them and let there be no doubt that you do, but correct them when needed.
Thank you for sharing, Luther.
*This deserves more views and subscribers!*
Thanks for watching and sharing! DrPaul
Dhai Yan u
I love this. THE POWER OF TRAINING IS SO AMAZING!
Adding those skills to our toolbox will help us parent in a positive manner. Thanks for watching, Jesus Christ Inspiration.
I'm a Life Coach. And these sessions really reinforce the Technics needed for parenting and destressing
muslimahcoaching, fabulous. Glad we can connect.
I wish I found this earlier but there is still time for my kids to listen to me, thanks for the advice, I never looked at it this way but I see the victory written all over it, will try!
Glad it was helpful!
I smiled and with a calm cool collected voice told them to do a chore!!! It worked!!! After I put the gun away I felt so pleased your method works...I upped the consequences!!🤣
Wha What? I agree with the calm voice, Boo BahYah. Good sense of humor.
🤣😂 ... I have to threaten my kids giving them choices Don't work this is the real world LoL
Tooo 😁 funny🤪
Bahahaha! 😂 hilarious! Got to maintain a sense of humour when dealing with children!
Lol
Ooh 😯 I don’t know how this video popped up but am so grateful!! (Subscribing 😃)
Thank you for taking time to make this video public. 🙌
Welcome to the channel BurberryBeauti - honored that you would subscribe! DrPaul
BurberryBeauti LOL SAME HERE!!
You lucky its not pop up for me I have to seart it up 😊
im struggling with my almost 3 year old and i'm so glad i saw this video. It was extremely insightful. thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
As a "guest teacher" I immediately give my students a choice as the class period commences; "You can do your classroom assignment work in here with us OR you can do your classroom assignment work in the principals office." Like you say DrJenkins, I'm fine either way. So far, so good.
Thanks for sharing and thanks for being there for the students.
My daughter is 9 and i feel like i missed the boat with getting her to listen and be respectful. I’m so frustrated that I allow a 9 year old to put me in such an emotional state.
DayDimGeo, start today and I bet you can correct some of what you are seeing.
I’m with you mama...
I have a 11 year old that is talking back so much. I will try this. We can do this!
i'm going to teach 1st grader next week and i'm blessed to found your video while searching for literacy activities for 1st grader. Thank you..
Olivia, I'm honored to be on your team - best wishes to you. DrPaul
I learned after having a child on the spectrum to set boundaries. This is how it is going to go n it is up to you how YOU get there. Example, we are going in the store. We are here to food shop. You are going to behave and stay by my side. If you don't follow this and misbehave no tv when we get home. If you do as I ask I will allow you tv when we get home. Worked every single time. My other 2 older children knew just by my look to do as told from very young lol I rarely yelled. Never hit them either. If one got out of control in public I wld gentle squeeze there wrist and lean down and whisper, "stop it now" or " keep it up n no tv when we get home". All 3 are amazing adults now. They learned to set reasonable boundaries. Offering set choices WORKS!
Thank you for sharing.
I paused the video because my 3yr old asked me to make him a peanut butter and jam sandwich. I told him he can eat his chicken sitting on the table now, or he can wait for a pb&j. He actually started eating the chicken… this is awesome.
BPD Tellee, wonderful!
Hello sir...i am mother of a 9 year old girl from India... and i just loved ur video....learnt a lot..
Ankita, so honored to be on your team - glad you found it helpful. DrPaul
Thank you so much. I have a large family and work full time in the house! Your words give me life and strength.
I am honored to be on your team, Rivka Goldstein. Thank you for watching.
I recently discovered the importance of raising emotionally intelligent humans. Thank you for this
Honored to be on your team.
there’s a whole book on this called Love and Logic,
and another based on it called Loving Your Kid’s on Purpose by Danny Silk, from a Christian perspective
I like Love and Logic, I haven't read the other one.
Who is the author for Love & Logic?
Cline and Fay
Thanks @@JessWehrle