Re-Parenting - Part 86 - Dating Checklist
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- Опубліковано 6 жов 2024
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Part of parenting is helping your child know how to detect whether a person is healthy. Our culture uses a dating checklist that often results in a person thinking that someone they are dating is a good catch, when actually they are quite unhealthy. Tim gives some criteria that can help us find safe people.
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I like to use houses as an analogy on relationships.
We are houses and our needs are the essentials for a house to be a liveable house (kitchen, bathroom, bedroom) when entering a relationship we need to have our own houses built or at minimum be learning how to build them (healthy tools) Not having a kitchen or bathroom means we need to use the other persons house to meet our needs which is not healthy or sustainable and really what a codependent relationship is. If our houses are built and our needs are met then we can simply choose to be with someone and not need to have your meets met.
I'm sorry but that's not a healthy analogy..
This checklist has made me realize that I have healed enough to be the person that someone could check these boxes with. I still have work to do but it makes me happy to feel like I will make a great partner for someone someday.
As someone in their first post-trauma intimate relationship, this is a timely talk. Pure gold, thank you.
its crazy hard dating as an introvert every guy i ever dated took my need for being alone too personally and didnt trust me at all
Ikr. I think a lot of guys genuinely dont have the understanding of "I want to be alone rn" whether it's to do with just our need to decompress, or whether it's our requirement to simply focus on _ourselves_ in order to be better people
If they assume you're out messing around it's usually because they're judging you by their own standards of what _they_ would do, and it's incredibly telling tbh.
I think cptsd aside trust needs to at least be there for a relationship to work, otherwise what's the point?
I'm not really sure it's something that can be "worked on" in a relationship because pathological distrust is usually born out of personal insecurity yknow? 🙁
If possible, can you expand more on how to know when one is ready for a relationship? What are the checklists?
Very sober and enlightening information. Thanks
Thank you so much Mr Fletcher...I have always struggling with dating.
What if you have had complex trauma all your life and now healthy, loving relationships just feel uncomfortable?! I'd almost rather stay alone.
Go to therapy or stay alone all your life.
Well life is not comfortable for anyone, and relationships are not easy anyway.
Work on yourself and develop the skills to cope with difficulties in a healthy way.
I recommend EFT tapping, these videos, and being with people often even if it's uncomfortable and observe yourself, where you are having a hard time interacting with people and in relationships and reflect and work on those issues.
Whenever you are having a hard day, just take some time for yourself doing what makes you feel good.
Don't be so hard on yourself or others. Don't allow yourself go to extremes with anything.
Take care!
Tbh it might just not be the right relationship for you?
I mean everybody should be able to feel comfortable in an intimate relationship that's the entire point right?
But idk I say look into attachment theory stuff ❤
Thank you for sharing the Rico letter. That was powerful.
I gotta come back and watch this again coz it’s great
Golden content. Especially the list ❤❤of what to look for in a potential partner and what they should look for in us.
This channel is amazing. Thank you so much!
You are brilliant! Thank you so much for your insights. You're a big help to a lot of people😊
Woah, if you’re looking for someone that Can check off this check list, good luck. I don’t know anyone that put together, married or single.
Lol yeah this is the thing.
Working on yourself and having a secure attachment style is fantastic but it only really works providing other people are equally healed/healing 😅
(As if the dating pool wasn't already running dry as it is lololol)
You're thinking in black and white. All of this falls under the umbrella of integrity. These qualities and attributes overlap. The person doesn't need to be 100% put together, that's impossible, but if they have integrity and a good sense of self, that's a good person to take a chance with.
Thank you so much❤
Thank you 🙏🏽
Tim, thank you so much for all your work. I was wondering about a checklist for one self, how do I know if I'm ready to look for a relationship
Indeed, it’s helpful. Most are not aware.
No wonder there are so many divorces and single people. Not too many folks can meet these criteria.
I've genuinely given up now lol
I just wish my ex could have watched this. I don't think he understands how vital it is that we both heal ourselves, separately.
Either way I'm working on myself.
I feel sorry he can't see things with the same importance as I see it.
I'd never get romantically involved with anybody who can't see their life with value and emotional maturity, who treats me respectfully from now on,
But realistically im unlikely to meet anyone like that.
Not in the culture we live in, sadly.
I'm honestly fine being a crazy cat lady 😂😻
This is great advice for people who have options. I never find anyone interested in me, so I have to take whatever I can, which is usually the most damaged women that nobody else wanted.
Screw this life.
Just better yourself in all areas so that non damaged women who are healthy and know their own worth WILL be interested in you.
Then you'll be able to have choice.
Then if you still don't meet anyone then at least you've learned to become happy with your life.
I wish this video was available 20 years ago.
I love this series. Thanks!
Trauma or not this is great coverage of this topic.
I am not apologizing for been different ! I been trying to get a court date and time for 3 years and a half I believe ! And my things full of non sense !! I went to that job to return that computer after I was done with it !! I could hear everyone laughing back there !! So is not like they were concerned they had stolen my information !! He sat there making a show about it too !! In five years he received any phone calls not a single one came from me !! Not one !!!
20:20 Halo Tim, thank you so much for all of your work! So... RAM... I've been thinking just today about this random emotional energy and discussing it with a friend. For me, I see how important it is to have a foundation and support to have RAM. How do people with Complex Trauma get that? Particularly when in some or maybe many cases, there is often no societal, familial, or other network of consistent and reliable support? I guess we have to somehow establish that life stability and routine somehow first. Any other thoughts or suggestions?
I am the problem. Is what I realize from this video.
Me too 😄.
I doubt it, it was probably codependency
You'll never find a securely attached person in a relationship with anybody with complex trauma.
Complex Trauma ppl/insecurely attached people gravitate towards one another
It was more likely that you were both feeding and inflaming each others wounds. So don't just blame yourself.
Or don't even necessarily blame them either, but if they are disrespectful, abusive, not willing to work on their stuff or contribute to the relationship in any way then there's no way a relationship can exists there longterm.
Glad you got some new insight though, good luck healing!
I am always trying tell he is autistic or npd. People have said they wonder if he's on the spectrum. I'm always ????
Great talk.
One issue I picked up is that you come across as slightly heavy-handed on extroverts towards the end.
Some extroverts don't just shower people with outward affection without descernment. Some extroverts first have develop trust and have to feel ready. And this can be done incrementally as the extrovert feels safe - and not just in a dumping fashion as suggested.
The opposite assumption is that introverts are naturally introspective and decerning but that is also a common false-hood. The classic pop-culture myth of "the quiet and wise one" in movies. Some introverts are equally prone to erratic behavior.
I feel you convolute 'extroverted-ness' with impulsiveness, which is not true in general. Unfortunately this myth is impossible to undo as society has pushed it for so long. Same as the myth that introverts are cold, calculated master manipulators.
On the contrary, all introverts aren't naturally inward-looking and independent, some just clamp up as a reflex survival response.
Bcoz there is no such thing as introvert extrovert .this word alone means nothing.for ex i m happy by myself and can isolate for long periods.i introspect all the time ..when i m with ppl i speak to everyone and actually been told few times that it is wrong to not discern .i m genuinelly happy to get to know someone and his life story .i make froendships easily and connect honestly and openly contrary to the majority of ppl but in the end in my closest relationships i dont open 100%i hold back a little something which is probably me not trusting anybody will understand me fully...since i started and ended with introvert you might put me in that category but had you seen me you d think extrovert
Do you have advice... if someone is a question mark ( i.e. are the socially awkward or do they just not like me / are they good or bad ppl) I like them. My parents were always either nice or dad. I don't mean I like guys who are mean. I mean is his behavior bad / or off
That's the ONLY dating video one should watch, listen attentively and take notes from instead of all the junk content that's available on UA-cam from people who are not even qualified to talk about this subject.
26:08 the letter starts. If only everyone were this honest! lol 🤦♀️
Do you have any videos about trauma bonding in romantic relationships? Is it bad for people who've both experienced cptsd to be together because of trauma bonds? I would think those trauma would bring them closer, or am I wrong?
Yes - Have you watched my Codependency Series? Parts 1 - 3?
@TimFletcher I haven't but will.
Anyone want to use me?
Please recommend a good therapist to work on past trauma
Tim does an online complex trauma course if that's anything to consider?