Hi all. I took an unexpected break, and I didn't fully understand what was happening for me here, until I realized that in combination with some other issues, I was being really triggered by past narcissistic abuse that had re-emerged. It was like being in a constant emotional flashback, but once I named it and realized it, it dissipated, and then I started feeling inspired to direct my content here in way that focuses on those of us who had childhood trauma, and also have had adult trauma from toxic people. So, that is where I hope to go, and where I hope you will find helpful. I am so grateful to be back here, and I am going to be playing around a bit with my schedule and creating content, so that I can show up more as myself and more for you.
Thank you for sharing your life and wisdom with us, and for being so relatable 💕. I, for one, appreciate more than you know that you are here to help me through my own journey of childhood trauma!! I so want to understand how to "reprogram" myself or how not to be triggered by old wounds. It's peace and self-acceptance I long for. Thank you for being here and reminding us that we all really do matter!!
I want to rephrase this. Hi I’m new here I wrote this the first time a month ago. Dr Sage, Would you have any information for me a wounded child Now 58 year old adult Who realized 8 years ago her Mom was a Covert/BPD Then in learning this my husband changed like over night to be very raging at me the last 8 years I was blown out of water. In 22’ they both passed away. Now my question to you is why do I still feel lost alone unhappy Sad and so confused When they both drove me crazy the last 8 years for my husband and my entire life when my mom wanted to be in it.. I don’t understand what I’m going through now that they are gone it’s quite and peaceful why can I not get it together ?? Why can I not take care of me and move forward. For the first time in my life I’m not in control mode so to say Do you have any information regarding how we feel when they die. I was wanting to leave them both when they were alive?? My husband had cancer for 1.5 and My mom was in a nursing home for 8 of the last 16 years I was caretaker for them both all these years I’ve always been the responsible one She was the child and so was my husband sadly I never knew what a NPD was until I turned 52 and was sick of never being good enough for her and realizing for him too in a different way I’ve read both the books you have on the Mom and the Understanding the BPD Mom too she can very well fit both NPD and BPD I’ve been studying this and my own health for the last 8 years Now there gone I want to learn about me and fix me He never let me see a psychologist as my doctor had ordered me to do 2 years ago when I got diagnosed with Anxiety I think I’ve always had Anxiety I just never had a attack until 2 years ago I want to understand living and caring for myself with anxiety too. Any videos or thoughts would be greatly appreciated as I’m disabled and can’t drive so I’m doing all my own therapy I’ve gotten 2 of your courses since writing this Do you offer any help with those courses? Thanks Sheila
@@Sheywh12 My only regret when my husband died was that now things would never get better. Are you crying, not for the people, but for the relationships you deserved but never had? I hope you're starting to feel better and to find solutions. ((((()))))
@@lesleyvivien2876 Thank you for your kind words Honestly I don’t know anymore what I’m crying about I know I have a lot to cry about but understanding it all has been very foggy O what to understand it I’ve studied for 8 years yet I can’t get myself together to take care of myself and learn to love myself I know is one problem I’ve never faced until now as My mom loved herself to the point I thought that was selfish and I refused to ever be like her So I went to the extreme other way of living my life! Making sure I was r selfish to anyone and my caretaking ways have gotten me walked all over all my life So I may very well be mourning my entire life I never had!!
I know this video is 5 months old, but I'm so sorry to hear that you went through an awful, triggering experience. The ongoing distress was so apparent in your voice throughout this video. It's clear that you had been suffering and struggling so much around that time. I can't imagine how difficult that experience must have been for you 😭 I'm thankful that you were able to recognize the situation and begin mitigating the problem and I'm grateful that you are helping to provide us with information that may help all of recognize and start mitigating similar situations ❤️ And thank you for providing so much for all of us and for sharing so much of your expertise at no direct cost to us! This channel is overflowing with vital information. The content library is already so expansive and thorough that its impact will continue long after you stop uploading new content. There's no question that there are major financial and availability barriers to accessing therapy/counseling. But it's definitely true that a lot of mental healthcare professionals wish they didn't *have* to charge a fee and that it was actually possible for them to treat a 8 billion clients on an ongoing basis. You guys do the next best thing by spreading free/low cost information & exercises as far and wide as possible ❤️❤️❤️
They leave you alone when you need them the most or leave you with no choice but to do a reverse discard at a time when one needs emotional support the most . I will always remember how she reacted after seeing me suffering from the severe internal injury she caused and casually dismissed her role in my suffering as “accident”!
This is my experience as well. They blame you for it, minimize, gaslight, lie, stonewall, project and then fake apologize and make you do all of the work to accept them because they do not want to actually be honest with themselves. Not truly and then they treat you like an enemy for wanting more for them - for them to do shadow work so they can grow and be happy. it's tragic. They refuse to offer you that same compassionate empathy and let you suffer with that reality and blame you for being emotionally aware and truth seeking, reflective and honest.
My ex Narsisist G.F did exactly the same, I was in bits from trauma, physically and mentally broke, she screamed at me, to go and see a therapist, which I've seen, since u walked away from her, most of my symptoms have disappeared. I'm slowly fixing myself.
Childhood trauma with toxic parents sets you up for further abuse in adulthood, that is my experience and understanding due to that being your "normal" as a child. This is how we end up not seeing red flags, they are just flags to us. You get an uncomfortable feeling and push it down, again I believe this was a coping strategy from childhood. Once you see, they seem to be everywhere that in itself is traumatic. I am learning strategies to protect myself from these horrible individuals. Anyone who survives narcissistic abuse as a child is stronger than they think. Education, reflection and healing old wounds are your new armour and shield .
My biggest challenge now is that trigger response. It makes me so angry because I recognize what’s happening, but don’t know how to stop/derail it and return to the confident strong woman I’ve worked so hard to become.
Me too. My trigger response to her put downs, critisms and guilt trips make me lash out and I regret it. No one deserves that. I have to remind myself to keep cool and she has a mental disability. She doesn't realize what she is doing, or doesnt care. Walk away and relax. I've got myself in trouble before from letting my temper explode. I want to be better then that. I AM better then that.
For reference after watching... Symptoms of the narcissist abuse combined with your unmet needs or abuse from childhood #1 loss of identity, broken spirit or soul #2 trapped, afraid, and feeling worthless to your core. #3 walking on eggshells #4 dread of being with them #5 feeling depleted, exhausted, and engulfed in their world #6 feeling chronically anxious and panicked #7 over analyzing, second guessing yourself, and feeling crazy #8 feeling guilty if you feel badly about the relationship #9 social isolation, denial of reality #10 feeling abandoned in the relationship. Feeling very lonely
Kim I’m sorry you went through narcissistic abuse recently, but I’m glad you have the wisdom to use it as a life lesson on how to heal and overcome. When you share your real personal stories it is inspiring and also makes you more relatable to your audience because those of us still struggling don’t feel so alone or inferior.
Thank you for your kind words, and for being here. It's hard to share when we've been trained not to, but I agree that it can be so helpful. I am going to share more about this recent experience too - because getting back on track is so important! 💗💗
This is true. When you share your own experiences it makes your valuable information gets even more impactful and relatable. Gives a feeling of true connection. I think it makes you stronger to. Of course in a way and time that is not harmful to you. Just want you to know that you are courageous.
I was 22 and got mixed up with a 40 yr old narc. I'm beautiful but was called fat which is nuts. He said I was the worst person he ever met. Forced abortions with guilt. Etc... I still seem to attract them. I hate having this demon on my back
Seeing this at 2:22, at 220views 2 hours ago. It’s been almost a year and I’ve finally come to a calm place and am accepting he was a covert narc. He was the one that ended it and I’m so grateful now as I was so blind to seeing behind the mask. Rejection was my divine protection 🙏
I am so sorry you had to endure that wound and also it's so true that sometimes in the moment, we don't know or see that our loss is actually a gain. Covert is especially hard to fully process and see....sending love and healing to you today.💗💗
Nsrcissists or whatever they are jn my fam, they think they can say anything to me, insults, subtle jabs, criticism, guilt tripping etc but when I take my distance bc I'm the selfish cold daughter, sister etc. 😢 soon I have a 1st session with a coach specialized in narcissistic abuse. I feel guilty for thinking about the option of narcissism in my fam and talking to a coach. I work on myself too but the burden of pressure and as if i lef them behind while they left me first through injustice. It's strange how complex manipulation can be
I'm suffering from ill mental health, addictions, and depression, and have been all of my life due to being highly abused physically, mentally and emotionally. I required hospitalization at least five times between the ages of 2 and 20 due to the physical abuse, I was slandered and sabotaged, I am developmentally retarded, even though I had a remarkable and acclaimed career, I've always been behind the curve, others including spouses, friends, clients, and colleagues have always found it easy to take advantage of me, and many have done so. Your videos are so beautiful and enlightening, they almost make me feel like crying the whole time I watched them.
I wish I knew years and years ago. I’m 44 I was married to one for 24 years. I’m free and at peace it takes a long to come out because you are asleep and manipulated. I’ve cut all contact. My children have contact with their father. Thank you great video
Hi Kim. I grew up in an alcoholic home.. both parents. I've been married to a covert narcissist for nearly 46 years. I don't want to live separately from him, but I'd really love a break, like a weekend on my own somewhere. However, I'm afraid of his reaction if I do this. I'm working on the right wording. Your videos are very helpful and inspiring. Thank you so much for your warmth and love for people whom you've never met.
Sounds like me. Been there. This poem helped me a lot while growing up and also through a painful marriage. I've always known I'm loved by God. I'm not alone. God hath not promised skies always blue, Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God hath not promised sun without rain, Joy without sorrow, peace without pain. But God hath promised strength for the day, Rest for the labor, light for the way, Grace for the trials, help from above, Unfailing sympathy, undying love.
My soon to be ex husband is a Narc. You described my experience, all of it. It's true that you won't recognize it until after a year of living with a Narc. I can't find a word to describe the emotional sufferings that I have to endure. We are in the process of divorce and I still feel like I won't get over the trauma, he used to call me "You're such a victim". I am the legal wife but his lover stalks me on Social Media and I have to blocked her. I hope and pray that what happened to me will not happen to her. But he is her problem now so I must thank her too for taking over my burden.
Thank you for your courage in sharing your own struggles with cPTSD and emotional flashbacks. It helps so much to normalize what many of us struggle with. I'm coming out of a couple of weeks of dysregulation that correlates with having to engage more with my family of origin. It's great to have a reminder that we can still struggle with healing but can always use the tools to reset and get our nervous systems healthy again.
I am so sorry you've been dysregulated and family of origin issues can be so triggering! Sending support and healing, and yes, using those tools to slow down, pause, listen to our bodies and love on our inner child, set boundaries, etc - are all so helpful.💗🙏
I can't agree more, especially that part, when he leaves. It feels so peaceful, but when he's back at any given time, there could be senseless arguments. I hate that part. I don't go on vacation with him anymore to get a few weeks' rest. I dreaded when he returned. There are many times I prayed for him not to come back. That's how difficult it was. Thank God, it's over.
I don't often comment, but your videos have helped me a lot. I've been through years of emotional neglect and parental trauma. My father was a bitter, terrible person, and my mother was a cocktail of trauma herself. These videos help me understand why they acted the way they did. After all these years, these videos are soothing and a balm to me, helping me to better understand and cope. Thank you, Dr. Kim Sage. Also, I want to become a clinical psychologist as well. Any tips?
Just get on UA-cam and start sharing your story and you will be able to help people and maybe even start your own business doing so. What I want most is to try and help people overcome.
I've tried desperately to find a local therapist who speaks on or has knowledge of any of this. I watch these videos to try and help myself, and almost end up feeling worse because i know i need help and can't find it. I don't understand why so few clinicians address or understand this.
I didn't know my mother was a Covert narcissist until she passed away. I spent five yrs as her caregiver and was being abused, but didn't know what was going on. She did a lot of damage in that five yrs & it brought up the childhood abuse I went through. I'm still trying to heal. Thank you, Dr. Kim❤
I'm gonna have ty take care of my mom too..severe hoarder..definitely narcissistic and manipulative so much financial abuse in my life... with mom dad husband and now boyfriend..
I took care of my mother in law in my home for 5 years as her caregiver. My soon to be ex husband brought her into our home with out asking me and then wouldn’t even help with her. She was diagnosed with dementia and schizophrenia. I started thinking that she was faking a lot of it about 4 years in. I asked her neurologist to check her brain again and it came back that her brain hadn’t changed in those 4 years even though she had began doing number 2 in the tub while bathing, peeing all in my sofa, shoving paper plates of food in her pants and so many other things. After my narc spouse asked for a divorce, I walked away and left him there with his mom. He only wanted to use her for the money I was making as her caregiver. 3 weeks later he put her in a home and reunited with me and our kids. I began studying and realized she was a covert narc. She assed away 4 months after he put her in a home. Then realized that both of them are covert Marc’s. 21 years of my life wasted with that man. He is dragging out signing divorce papers that I emailed to him 3 weeks ago. I’m so over it!!!🥹🥹🥹
Your videos are so calming. Watching the background reminded me of the time my sister tried to drown me in the ocean. I’ve never been so scared in my whole life. She laughed at me and said she could get away with drowning me and then held me under the water, until I almost passed out and she did it three times. She smirked while I cried and choked from the water and had such hatred for me. When I came out of the water and ran to the shore to try to tell what happened she came out of the water acting, as if nothing had happened and because I was so frantic while she pretended to be so confused and say that she had not even touched me in the water people believed her and I was accused of lying and punished. This was my childhood with this person who I now know to be nothing but pure evil decades later, I am still having nightmares about her. She did such horrible things. She triangulated me with everybody and made people hate me. It’s been a literal, lifelong terror campaign. I have now found out that her husband has divorced her and that gives me great validation, even though I feel sad for the choices she made. I am so happy that he got away from her. She was so horrible to him. She would criticize him relentlessly so much so that I couldn’t even be around her because I hated how he would just sit there and take it and take it and take it. Karma will come for her and God will have a special place for her. Brings me no solace because I will live the rest of my life dealing with the trauma and the CPTSD that she and my family inflicted, my heart goes out to each and every person who has had to live with this toxic and horrible family dynamic. It should be a crime. A criminal offense that is retroactive, punishable by prison and huge fines. Usually these types of families have a lot of money and the scapegoat gets disinherited and the reason that happens is because it’s a way of invalidating in the eye of the public anything the scapegoat might have to say regarding the abuse that went on in the house, even to the day they die all they care about is the reputation and what people think of them.
@@walloffire2225 I’m so sorry for what you endured. Yes I could tell you story after story after story just as bad as her trying to drown me. I never did anything to her. I asked her one time, name even one time that I yelled at you or disrespected you or did something mean to you and she couldn’t even name one time so I asked her why do you hate me so bad (2016) and she couldn’t even answer the question. All she did was stutter and stutter and stutter while trying to think of an answer yet no words came out and we were on the phone and she conveniently said she had to go and was getting another phone call and that was the last time I spoke to her and it’s been 7 years but now I believe it was my dad she hated (my mother and dad had a terrible relationship ughh cheating, alcohol you know the drill) and I was unaware of that almost all of my life but she was old enough to remember and they always fought, and she even wrote letters begging him to fix things and not divorce so she endured trauma way too young she was only 12) and she couldn’t face that so she took all her rage out on me. Plus I look just like my mother, so that probably did not help things for her. I guess I was just a walking bad memory for the whole family so going no contact was a blessing more than likely for everyone including me. might’ve been a shock at first once they realized I was gone, but I did it in such a way that they really never knew what happened until it was far too late to do anything about it. It’s the only way to get your health back and to stay in peace. I wish I had read the Bible more and I would’ve understood the family is the first betray you. Sad but true.
7:47 for my family, it is inter-generational (grandmother, mother and me) but it ended with me. Your videos are validating me. I'm a psychologist myself.
Even Dr Ramini admitted during covid that she was recently duped by a narcissist and in a dark space. So, goes to show, we all can lose the trail while on the path. It's what you do with that revelation that counts. Do you retrace your steps, find your way back to health? Or do you push onward, knowing the terrain is moving you away from your goal?
Yes, I know none of us are immune to toxic people, even when we have the "knowledge" - it can go right out of the window! My recent experience was about having to interact with that person from a long time ago, and it triggering old feelings from that relationship, as well as my childhood and years that followed. What helped me was really identifying what was happening, and then trying to make decisions and set new boundaries for myself, as well as getting back into walking more, and meditation...focusing on being good to myself and trying to finally set some parts of the hurt inner child free. If that makes sense? I am going to share more about this in upcoming videos too! Thank you for being here with me too!💗💗
@@DrKimSage Perfect sense. I just got hoovered by my ex. Divorced in 1990. Haven't seen him (last hoover) since 1994. It stirs up a lot, both negative and positive. Stay strong with the Force! Wishing you peace.
I am on the other side of it now and see how I was manipulated at the time I had no clue to what was going on and I was scared to be on my own as I have high functioning autism diagnosed and I think I could have ADHD but now I see everything I was blinded to she was cheating on me coming home late or with work colleagues and telling people she was singles and then lying what I asked her she kept saying I was paranoid now she doesn't even hide her behaviour just blame it on her addiction .I am happy now I've let go .
My cover narcissistic ex-husband was in the same field. I had a dream job in that field, working on vital projects with enormous positive benefit to a resource we were both passionate about. I frequently helped him with his work and even obtained large grants to fund his research. He refused to let me talk about my work and showed no interest in it. If it wasn’t about him, and especially if it was about me, he was hostile to hearing about it. At a professional meeting, one of my projects was brought up, a huge, massively successful project, he leaned over and asked me if I had been involved. I said yes, then walked to the podium to receive a plaque and applause. He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day.
Please heal me Lord! Please heal all these people who suffer. So sad. I’m so burnt out. On the edge - at Dr today. I’m here to heal please please please. So grateful to have found this channel. Amen! Thank you!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼😇❤️ very complicated child hood. I’m ready to let go… I said yes the all 10. Smh. I’m just figuring all this out.
Not treated well if you don’t provide what they want or do what they demand…that just happened last night, and I stood up for myself and said “stop. I did nothing to warrant you to treat me this way. You are being disrespectful, and I don’t have to jump when you say jump! You don’t have the right to control me, so please stop it.” It kinda worked, sort of….
Thank you for all your help. I am on my healing journey and I have to give myself some compassion. Being abused for decades doesn't go away quickly. Show yourself some compassion.❤️
My first husband i felt extremely alone at the end of the day. I did everything.. took care of the kids, home, taking kids to and from hospitals by myself because he had to sleep bc he worked the next day. I became exhausted. Then he said he was attracted to men after 5 years of marriage. That blew my world apart. I had to go to counseling to get a divorce bc I didn't want to get a divorce bc my parents were divorced
I'd be proud of a doctorate. I'd also be proud of raising four children. (I'm proud of my one - but tired!) Doing both, and simultaneously, is just completely heroic! Belated welcome back. 😊
I was raised by a narcissist father and was (sexually abused by family members as a child) only had the example from an abused mother being married to my father it explains why I ended up marrying a narcissist...so mest up from it. Grateful I had an opportunity to heal from counciling but I've only recently dealt with the damage that my father caused.
Thank you for sharing these experiences. This is my story. Frequent beatings, public humiliation, always diminished and punished when I didn't blindly obey him. I recently found out I have ADHD, which made everything more complicated.
Thanks for sharing! Everything you mentioned resonated. I've been on the healing path for several years but it always surprises me when I get triggered. Ugh. The struggle to be mindful and stay in a positive mindset is ongoing.
Thank you for being here with me:). It's so true that it's a real struggle to stay mindful and sometimes interacting with the old stuff can be so triggering...even when we know about it, I think it can just hijack our plans and healing!🙏💗
The beach clips were so beautiful! I've only been to the jersey shore and it's nothing as nice as that view. Thank you for everything you share with us
Thankyou for your calm spirit!and you are so helpful ❤ I've lived with a toxic covert mother that caused so much pain ,but I'm trying to heal after all these years I finally see it's not me and can let go of the Shame that has burdened me for so long !thankyou!
Thank you for your sweet words! I am so sorry you've been burdened by shame and the pain of a toxic mother, I know how incredibly difficult it is to work on our recovery, and trying our best to thrive in spite of our childhood.🙏💗
Thank you, Kim. I feel so seen and I hope you find some peace for yourself. I never knew I was suffering from abuse until I left my relationship and went to therapy. It’s been a long road to recovery
Thank you again for this current video. Being male and in the older age bracket, I am gradually becoming more and more aware of the patterns and events in my life, that have been both initiated internally and others that were often imposed from outside myself by another person, in particular, and other people. I not only receive information from what you offer in your videos, but also a kind of solace, as if from the care and attention offered by a friend. Although I feel a degree of anxiety about reviewing past events, this is among the videos that I will come back to in order to reassess and review the ideas and thoughts that you are offering and how they relate to events in my own life. Many of those actions that I may have generated by being unaware of the formative childhood events and experiences that motivated or influenced the way that I have subsequently conducted my life. Events and circumstances, imposed from outside myself, that have, in some way, affected how I have viewed and proceeded with my life while other events and experiences that have had a direct impact on my progress in life. Most of these mainly centreing around and conected to a narcisistic father. Best Wishes, PNH
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story here. I am happy to hear you found this helpful and I love the idea of it feeling like information and support offered from a friend, that's exactly what I was hoping for. Sending support and healing wishes to you today, I know trying to heal and recover from Narcissistic parents is not easy, by any means.🙏🙏
GRATEFULNESS 🙏Dr Kim for wanting to 'walk alongside us'. I'm one who is battleing to 'climb my way out' of the after-effects of narcissistic parents, marriages & other relationships.
Thank you for this message. It has encouraged me. I identified with the effects you descibed. I lost everything at the end through maladaptive self sabatoge. It was bad. Building up and better at 35. Thank you so much.
Dr Sage, the dread you mentioned, I haven’t heard this before, but I vividly remember that dread (eg. we would jump to high attention when our ‘narc’ arrived home, and 2 narc bosses, I ended up working from home 2 weeks to just ‘be’ away from them. I experienced same with a bipolar colleague in her manic phase, but with narcs it was a high alert flight-freeze response. I hope all my healing means this will never happen again. 🙏❤️🧘♀️
Sorry to hear you've had a difficult time Dr Sage. Your ability to be so self aware and reflective is really inspiring to me. I love the ocean in this video, so soothing and its really lovely to see you back. Im looking forward to understanding more about past trauma connecting to being drawn to and triggered by certain narcissists and how to be free of the cycle.💕
I can't believe I experienced everything you discussed in this video! There is no doubt in my mind anymore that I am a narcissistic abuse survivor. Thank you for this content it's helping me heal and move forward. 🙏
Thank you so much for posting this you really do understand that a soul level I was married for twenty-five years was six kids before I figured this out and when I did I set boundaries and he let everything go house foreclosed everything we owned was sold in an auction it's still in my parent's inheritance my retirement My mind body soul when we finally got away from him there was nothing left of me we have never heard from him again it's like we never the pain is unbearable
Thank you Kim for this video❤❤❤ I am in definite shock everything you said basically checks the list of everything i feel or basically suffer from. I am at college and now that i had to come back home i understand every and each reason why i felt bad when i was little cause the toxic cycles repeat. My mom snaps so drastically even at a little nuance , then enlists evertything that “ i did wrong/ bad” to justify that she is the victim of a bad and egoistic child who’s always in wrong… and yeah you’ve guessed right she’s always right and the victim of the situation… the fury and hatred in her words doesnt even make sense and.. for ex. after 15/20mins she acts as if everything is okay and smiles at me😮 like.. i cant fucking process what happened and i have to follow along the mood of hers to keep the peace anyways.. After very harsh moments of her screams and terrific moments that i had to go through this month i thought :” i should cut my contact with her totally after i am financially independent cause being with her really wears me down” but i felt and still really feel guilt around this thought cause i think about how the other people from my family and my mom especially think of me as an ungrateful child for abandoning her mother.. without actually knowing how she really treats me or the things i had to go through because of her.. Its really confusing having a mother that seems to want the best for you and still expresses how you worth nothing, your life doesn’t have a value and stupid shit like that… At this point i try to actually really not to care what she says.. Hang in there friends , we can survive and heal❤
Coming from a narcissistic mother and being autistic, i am now blessed to have a family in Christ. Now im not saying a “church fam” is what is helping exactly cause theres bad apples everywhere but the ones that I HAVE have shown me actual concern and care for my soul something ive never felt before.
So happy you are blessed with true disciples of Jesus. Not all who go to congregations are there for the right reason. As long as you know your worth in Him and put Him first in everything, you will be truly free and full of joy and peace no matter what trials and tribulations may come our way. Be blessed
I am out of narcist abuse hubby for 12 yrs. And now take care of narcist old father.. And my luck at work has been sooo messy.. Now I got it.. The guilt is from feeling like I didn't give Back to them enough.. I owe them too much.. Thank you sooooo much.. 12yrs of searching is answered now ❤
WOW, this is one of the best videos explaining a narcissist. This is just a part of my long nightmare. My husband and I were mentally and verbally abused by our evil narcissistic demon of an adult daughter, For years. It got so bad that the stress cause an emotional breakdown for my husband, One day he started crying uncontrollably with him gasping for air ( this is a guy that never cried because of his upbringing of men don't cry ) He was asking what he did wrong on raising her to be so evil then he collapsed and took his last breath 4 years and 8 months ago. She always had anger issues since she was a teen, but we chopped it up as just being a teen and hormons since she seemed to be a very well-rounded person overall. We noticed the changes in her as she got older and thought she was bipolar. But it was too late for us to get her help because she was over 18. She wouldn't amit that she has mental problems and get help. By the time I learned about narcissism, it was too late. The trauma damage was already done. In those horrible years of walking on eggshells, she had us under her control because she was kicked out of her ex-husband's home for stepping out on him and the trauma she caused. She ended back with us because she was homeless and 3 months pregnant with another's man child. So, of course, we took her in. She was lying from the start, telling us her marriage failed because he was abusing her physically. I know different now. We tried to help her, going through her pregnancy and the birth, then she couldn't handle being a mother. She wouldn't do what a mother should do and we ended up raising our grandson until he was 6 years old. She hunted down for a new supply because my husband became disabled and we couldn't give her a free ride anymore. We asked her to start paying her own way because if she didn't we would end up homeless. That pissed her off, and she really got bad. She finally found a nieve 24 year old guy, 6 years younger than her, Within 3 months, she manipulated and lied to him and they moved in together. Then she trapped him by getting pregnant. My husband I ended up homeless with her stalking us and still messing with our heads using our grandson against us. Then my husband died. She destroyed me beyond repair. I have been abandoned by everyone,... She made sure of that with her lies.. I went no contact but it is slowly killing me from the inside out. I can't have a relationship with my grandson. I can't function anymore. I'm the one who is at fault somehow. And you know what.. I'm starting to believe I must be. I'm just a failure and a lost cause.. I can not heal . It hurts so much. I'm so tired of trying. I just want to die.
These videos are really resonating with me, I just wanted to share a small part of my story that has happened recently, I thought I was in a good healthy position finally in my life after dealing with a lot of emotional abuse and grief over the years. I was beginning to trust people again, then I was diagnosed with a life threatening illness and had no choice but to be vulnerable and it was painful!. One particular person that I trusted at the time was a work colleague that showed support and kindness ( I believed) on my return to work she switched and I was bullied by her. My first instinct was to be annoyed with myself, to be taken in by her etc etc thinking if I hadn't let my vulnerability show she wouldn't have targeted me. How when being vulnerable can you still protect yourself?
I have just come to realise that my ex partner was a narcissist.He left 23 years ago and I have finally come to understand what happened in that relationship.Thank you for this.
This is so helpful. I had a really toxic childhood so did my brother. I believe my mom was the narcissist n my dad bipolar we found out when he was sixty!! So yeah we were his punching bags. Mom had abandonment issues so she would not leave. N mom didn't like how my dad loved me. I thought she was jealous. Actually she had to tell us when to hug my father. I have been in mentally n emotional abuse in every relationship since. Only physical the first 3 years of our marriage. Then a controlling older man that I waited on hand n foot. Until I got fat after having a baby. I still have baby fat then 17yrs later I remarry 1st husband because all the crap 2;nd one did to me. I've been divorced for 12 yrs. I'm messed up don't want a relationship w anyone. Because they act like a gentleman find out how sweet n loving I am and try to crap on me and treat me bad for fun...I can't take it anymore.
Thank you... So true . You are a beautiful blessing sister . Bless you ❤️. Heal and let's pray for each other. Kim I'm praying for you too... Amen. 🙏🏻💜🔥💯🙌🏻🕊️
Dr Kim that break did you good.😁💡You sound very warm hearted and insightful😁. you found a way to dig deeper to help and be wiser; just like eagles go away to renew their strength. you put it across in small bite size bullet points. You were spot on. Thanks for the videos. We appreciate you are giving out a lot. Takes energy 💗Bravo!!!
Thank you so much, such a kind and thoughtful reply! Yes, I feel like some things lifted after the dark spot and I am so excited to share more! Hope you have a lovely day! Lots of healing hugs!💗💗
She really took my soul and fucked my head, years have passed and she remains a ghost in my head. After her, I no longer wanted a relationship and I have an avoidance of sex. Before her I was in my mid 20s, then I felt 80,000. Even though I have found a balance and am kind and positive on the outside, on the inside I will never go back to the way I was before.
Thank you Dr. Sage, I truly appreciate you and your channel the content you discuss is spot on for me. I was cast as the scapegoat in my family by my covert narcissistic mother. She has done so much damage in my life and ruined my relationships with both of my daughters. I have major issues related to the narcissistic abuse I survived within my toxic family of origin.
I definitely feel better when I'm not around them , like everything she saying is how I feel, wow I thought it was just me ... I thought I was going crazy
@@DrKimSage thanks, it is terrible...he 1000% had cptsd from a narcissist father and I mean the most narcissistic father maybe even possible....then married one...I never saw it and I realize the shame he must have felt and how "crazy" anyone would have said he was if he said anything....it has taught me what trauma is, what adhd is, and the difference between anxiety and being anxious...none of this brings him back or makes me feel better right now.
TW: CSA My "father" raped and trafficked my older sister and me. Our "mother" called us "homewrekers" and "stupid." My older sis, whom I loved, ran away when I was 4 and never returned. You can only imagine what this set me up for in life. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with narcissistic abuse yourself. You're right, it is incredibly Insidious and destructive. I'm so glad I found you!
I am scared of wanting to feel special, and kind of don’t feel ”worthy” of my/other people’s pity/attention. My mother grew up during war, and was sent away from hone, her father left her etc. My father left us too, but I feel like couldn’t have had a childhood that was worth oitying me for, and I did well at school, I have a food job etc. Yet I recognise all these things. My childhool had issues. My close relationships have issues. I struggle with anxiety and I’ve had depression. I feel alone, though I have husband and children.
Thank you so much Kim, this is truly helping me heal and spiritual life as well. Almost all of my life, i have personally been in these toxic/narcissistic relationships from my past life now still continuing in the present moment. 🙏🙌❤️
I'm currently going through it now 😞 I didn't know it and how it's affecting me until I got into therapy and started working on myself, I've discovered so much but this one is tough and I feel literally like I'm alone, they ostracized me in the family, I can't begin. just pray for me I'm doing everything I can I can't talk to my parents though . They start yelling if I disagree and yesterday my dad said " do you not know that something is wrong with you?" 😢 .. I can't live like this much longer
Thank you for this insight into signs you have suffered a narcissistic abusive relationship... I have some thoughts that I wondered about while listening to you reflect so honestly and vulnerably... ...I went through a covert narcissistic abusive relationship for over 10 years and was only learning and realising as I went that was what it is... and this relationship also compounded and seems to have increased my own struggles for self-esteem and need for care and attention and love... ...what I found recently was that as a result of this I actually reacted to lack of care and attention and love in a moment of a relationship just recently now finished... I reacted passive agressively in that moment and as a result caused hurt and pain to the my partner... it took a couple of weeks to fully understand how much I had hurt her and how badly I had expressed my needs in that moment... and to my shock and horror I had actually behaved in a narcissistic abusive way triggered by (as I am realising fully now) past trauma from this previous relationship... ...well i studied and learned as much about my reaction to not having my needs met and apologised from deep within the heart... but trust was broken and as always this led to higher risk of misunderstandings and unintentionally hurting each other as we tried to repair that trust. I discovered in this process that both myself and my partner were both struggling in our own ways to communicate our needs but in different ways triggered by our past relationship experiences... ...anyway I suppose i just wished to share this with everyone as I think all of us have of course an ego that we struggle to completely let go of and so all of us have i think the potential for narcissistic abuse within us whether in micro agressions/passive agressions, and if left unchecked I suppose potential for deeper narcissistic abusive tendencies... though thankfully I have had enough introspective tendencies to motivate me to learn and discover how toxic this passive agressive reaction was when an unanticipated need of mine arose and was not met fatally undermining trust and breaking down a relationship that I had truly cherished for its honesty and connection and joy. 🙏🏽
Lost and broken. Deep sense of shame. Not ever feeling heard or seen. Yes .
Hi all. I took an unexpected break, and I didn't fully understand what was happening for me here, until I realized that in combination with some other issues, I was being really triggered by past narcissistic abuse that had re-emerged. It was like being in a constant emotional flashback, but once I named it and realized it, it dissipated, and then I started feeling inspired to direct my content here in way that focuses on those of us who had childhood trauma, and also have had adult trauma from toxic people. So, that is where I hope to go, and where I hope you will find helpful. I am so grateful to be back here, and I am going to be playing around a bit with my schedule and creating content, so that I can show up more as myself and more for you.
Thank you for sharing your life and wisdom with us, and for being so relatable 💕. I, for one, appreciate more than you know that you are here to help me through my own journey of childhood trauma!! I so want to understand how to "reprogram" myself or how not to be triggered by old wounds. It's peace and self-acceptance I long for. Thank you for being here and reminding us that we all really do matter!!
I want to rephrase this. Hi I’m new here I wrote this the first time a month ago.
Dr Sage,
Would you have any information for me a wounded child Now 58 year old adult Who realized 8 years ago her Mom was a Covert/BPD Then in learning this my husband changed like over night to be very raging at me the last 8 years I was blown out of water. In 22’ they both passed away. Now my question to you is why do I still feel lost alone unhappy Sad and so confused When they both drove me crazy the last 8 years for my husband and my entire life when my mom wanted to be in it.. I don’t understand what I’m going through now that they are gone it’s quite and peaceful why can I not get it together ?? Why can I not take care of me and move forward. For the first time in my life I’m not in control mode so to say Do you have any information regarding how we feel when they die. I was wanting to leave them both when they were alive?? My husband had cancer for 1.5 and My mom was in a nursing home for 8 of the last 16 years I was caretaker for them both all these years I’ve always been the responsible one She was the child and so was my husband sadly I never knew what a NPD was until I turned 52 and was sick of never being good enough for her and realizing for him too in a different way I’ve read both the books you have on the Mom and the Understanding the BPD Mom too she can very well fit both NPD and BPD I’ve been studying this and my own health for the last 8 years Now there gone I want to learn about me and fix me He never let me see a psychologist as my doctor had ordered me to do 2 years ago when I got diagnosed with Anxiety I think I’ve always had Anxiety I just never had a attack until 2 years ago I want to understand living and caring for myself with anxiety too. Any videos or thoughts would be greatly appreciated as I’m disabled and can’t drive so I’m doing all my own therapy I’ve gotten 2 of your courses since writing this Do you offer any help with those courses? Thanks Sheila
@@Sheywh12 My only regret when my husband died was that now things would never get better. Are you crying, not for the people, but for the relationships you deserved but never had?
I hope you're starting to feel better and to find solutions. ((((()))))
@@lesleyvivien2876 Thank you for your kind words Honestly I don’t know anymore what I’m crying about I know I have a lot to cry about but understanding it all has been very foggy O what to understand it I’ve studied for 8 years yet I can’t get myself together to take care of myself and learn to love myself I know is one problem I’ve never faced until now as My mom loved herself to the point I thought that was selfish and I refused to ever be like her So I went to the extreme other way of living my life! Making sure I was r selfish to anyone and my caretaking ways have gotten me walked all over all my life So I may very well be mourning my entire life I never had!!
I know this video is 5 months old, but I'm so sorry to hear that you went through an awful, triggering experience. The ongoing distress was so apparent in your voice throughout this video. It's clear that you had been suffering and struggling so much around that time. I can't imagine how difficult that experience must have been for you 😭
I'm thankful that you were able to recognize the situation and begin mitigating the problem and I'm grateful that you are helping to provide us with information that may help all of recognize and start mitigating similar situations ❤️
And thank you for providing so much for all of us and for sharing so much of your expertise at no direct cost to us! This channel is overflowing with vital information. The content library is already so expansive and thorough that its impact will continue long after you stop uploading new content.
There's no question that there are major financial and availability barriers to accessing therapy/counseling. But it's definitely true that a lot of mental healthcare professionals wish they didn't *have* to charge a fee and that it was actually possible for them to treat a 8 billion clients on an ongoing basis.
You guys do the next best thing by spreading free/low cost information & exercises as far and wide as possible ❤️❤️❤️
They leave you alone when you need them the most or leave you with no choice but to do a reverse discard at a time when one needs emotional support the most . I will always remember how she reacted after seeing me suffering from the severe internal injury she caused and casually dismissed her role in my suffering as “accident”!
This is my experience as well. They blame you for it, minimize, gaslight, lie, stonewall, project and then fake apologize and make you do all of the work to accept them because they do not want to actually be honest with themselves. Not truly and then they treat you like an enemy for wanting more for them - for them to do shadow work so they can grow and be happy. it's tragic. They refuse to offer you that same compassionate empathy and let you suffer with that reality and blame you for being emotionally aware and truth seeking, reflective and honest.
Damn… totally…….😢
@@LysetteDoeyes
So true .
My ex Narsisist G.F did exactly the same, I was in bits from trauma, physically and mentally broke, she screamed at me, to go and see a therapist, which I've seen, since u walked away from her, most of my symptoms have disappeared. I'm slowly fixing myself.
MORAL INJURY - the victim blaming and gaslighting - "You only have yourself to blame"
Childhood trauma with toxic parents sets you up for further abuse in adulthood, that is my experience and understanding due to that being your "normal" as a child. This is how we end up not seeing red flags, they are just flags to us. You get an uncomfortable feeling and push it down, again I believe this was a coping strategy from childhood. Once you see, they seem to be everywhere that in itself is traumatic. I am learning strategies to protect myself from these horrible individuals. Anyone who survives narcissistic abuse as a child is stronger than they think. Education, reflection and healing old wounds are your new armour and shield .
Absolutely you're at the same level in time as me thank you for your brilliant diagnosis and remidy advice!
❤️
Ditto all this in my life. Wow😮😢
My biggest challenge now is that trigger response. It makes me so angry because I recognize what’s happening, but don’t know how to stop/derail it and return to the confident strong woman I’ve worked so hard to become.
EMDR Therapy‼️💕
Me too. My trigger response to her put downs, critisms and guilt trips make me lash out and I regret it. No one deserves that. I have to remind myself to keep cool and she has a mental disability. She doesn't realize what she is doing, or doesnt care. Walk away and relax. I've got myself in trouble before from letting my temper explode. I want to be better then that. I AM better then that.
For reference after watching...
Symptoms of the narcissist abuse combined with your unmet needs or abuse from childhood
#1 loss of identity, broken spirit or soul
#2 trapped, afraid, and feeling worthless to your core.
#3 walking on eggshells
#4 dread of being with them
#5 feeling depleted, exhausted, and engulfed in their world
#6 feeling chronically anxious and panicked
#7 over analyzing, second guessing yourself, and feeling crazy
#8 feeling guilty if you feel badly about the relationship
#9 social isolation, denial of reality
#10 feeling abandoned in the relationship. Feeling very lonely
7.5 out of 10 is 75% 😮
Kim I’m sorry you went through narcissistic abuse recently, but I’m glad you have the wisdom to use it as a life lesson on how to heal and overcome. When you share your real personal stories it is inspiring and also makes you more relatable to your audience because those of us still struggling don’t feel so alone or inferior.
Thank you for your kind words, and for being here. It's hard to share when we've been trained not to, but I agree that it can be so helpful. I am going to share more about this recent experience too - because getting back on track is so important! 💗💗
This is true. When you share your own experiences it makes your valuable information gets even more impactful and relatable. Gives a feeling of true connection. I think it makes you stronger to. Of course in a way and time that is not harmful to you. Just want you to know that you are courageous.
I was 22 and got mixed up with a 40 yr old narc. I'm beautiful but was called fat which is nuts. He said I was the worst person he ever met. Forced abortions with guilt. Etc... I still seem to attract them. I hate having this demon on my back
Wow I have completely lost myself 😢
Wow I just realized I’ve been walking on eggshells my entire life! Yikes
Seeing this at 2:22, at 220views 2 hours ago. It’s been almost a year and I’ve finally come to a calm place and am accepting he was a covert narc. He was the one that ended it and I’m so grateful now as I was so blind to seeing behind the mask. Rejection was my divine protection 🙏
I am so sorry you had to endure that wound and also it's so true that sometimes in the moment, we don't know or see that our loss is actually a gain. Covert is especially hard to fully process and see....sending love and healing to you today.💗💗
I needed to see this message!!! I’ve been seeing 222 so much !!! Currently going through IT now
Nsrcissists or whatever they are jn my fam, they think they can say anything to me, insults, subtle jabs, criticism, guilt tripping etc but when I take my distance bc I'm the selfish cold daughter, sister etc.
😢 soon I have a 1st session with a coach specialized in narcissistic abuse.
I feel guilty for thinking about the option of narcissism in my fam and talking to a coach.
I work on myself too but the burden of pressure and as if i lef them behind while they left me first through injustice. It's strange how complex manipulation can be
I'm suffering from ill mental health, addictions, and depression, and have been all of my life due to being highly abused physically, mentally and emotionally. I required hospitalization at least five times between the ages of 2 and 20 due to the physical abuse, I was slandered and sabotaged, I am developmentally retarded, even though I had a remarkable and acclaimed career, I've always been behind the curve, others including spouses, friends, clients, and colleagues have always found it easy to take advantage of me, and many have done so. Your videos are so beautiful and enlightening, they almost make me feel like crying the whole time I watched them.
I wish I knew years and years ago. I’m 44 I was married to one for 24 years. I’m free and at peace it takes a long to come out because you are asleep and manipulated. I’ve cut all contact. My children have contact with their father. Thank you great video
Hi Kim. I grew up in an alcoholic home.. both parents. I've been married to a covert narcissist for nearly 46 years. I don't want to live separately from him, but I'd really love a break, like a weekend on my own somewhere. However, I'm afraid of his reaction if I do this. I'm working on the right wording. Your videos are very helpful and inspiring. Thank you so much for your warmth and love for people whom you've never met.
We are all trying to find our way out of the fog of our upbringing. We can see. Clearly when it's gone .😊
Sounds like me. Been there. This poem helped me a lot while growing up and also through a painful marriage. I've always known I'm loved by God. I'm not alone.
God hath not promised skies always blue, Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God hath not promised sun without rain, Joy without sorrow, peace without pain. But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.
My soon to be ex husband is a Narc. You described my experience, all of it. It's true that you won't recognize it until after a year of living with a Narc. I can't find a word to describe the emotional sufferings that I have to endure. We are in the process of divorce and I still feel like I won't get over the trauma, he used to call me "You're such a victim". I am the legal wife but his lover stalks me on Social Media and I have to blocked her. I hope and pray that what happened to me will not happen to her. But he is her problem now so I must thank her too for taking over my burden.
Thank you for your courage in sharing your own struggles with cPTSD and emotional flashbacks. It helps so much to normalize what many of us struggle with. I'm coming out of a couple of weeks of dysregulation that correlates with having to engage more with my family of origin. It's great to have a reminder that we can still struggle with healing but can always use the tools to reset and get our nervous systems healthy again.
I am so sorry you've been dysregulated and family of origin issues can be so triggering! Sending support and healing, and yes, using those tools to slow down, pause, listen to our bodies and love on our inner child, set boundaries, etc - are all so helpful.💗🙏
All 10, Yes! Living it now. Thank you.
I can't agree more, especially that part, when he leaves. It feels so peaceful, but when he's back at any given time, there could be senseless arguments. I hate that part. I don't go on vacation with him anymore to get a few weeks' rest. I dreaded when he returned. There are many times I prayed for him not to come back. That's how difficult it was. Thank God, it's over.
I don't often comment, but your videos have helped me a lot. I've been through years of emotional neglect and parental trauma. My father was a bitter, terrible person, and my mother was a cocktail of trauma herself. These videos help me understand why they acted the way they did. After all these years, these videos are soothing and a balm to me, helping me to better understand and cope. Thank you, Dr. Kim Sage. Also, I want to become a clinical psychologist as well. Any tips?
Just get on UA-cam and start sharing your story and you will be able to help people and maybe even start your own business doing so. What I want most is to try and help people overcome.
Go back to school to get a bachelors degree. Then get into grad school. She had a doctorate.
I've tried desperately to find a local therapist who speaks on or has knowledge of any of this. I watch these videos to try and help myself, and almost end up feeling worse because i know i need help and can't find it. I don't understand why so few clinicians address or understand this.
Same. I only felt more frustrated and confused after talking to psychologists.
I didn't know my mother was a Covert narcissist until she passed away. I spent five yrs as her caregiver and was being abused, but didn't know what was going on. She did a lot of damage in that five yrs & it brought up the childhood abuse I went through. I'm still trying to heal. Thank you, Dr. Kim❤
I'm gonna have ty take care of my mom too..severe hoarder..definitely narcissistic and manipulative so much financial abuse in my life... with mom dad husband and now boyfriend..
I took care of my mother in law in my home for 5 years as her caregiver. My soon to be ex husband brought her into our home with out asking me and then wouldn’t even help with her. She was diagnosed with dementia and schizophrenia. I started thinking that she was faking a lot of it about 4 years in. I asked her neurologist to check her brain again and it came back that her brain hadn’t changed in those 4 years even though she had began doing number 2 in the tub while bathing, peeing all in my sofa, shoving paper plates of food in her pants and so many other things. After my narc spouse asked for a divorce, I walked away and left him there with his mom. He only wanted to use her for the money I was making as her caregiver. 3 weeks later he put her in a home and reunited with me and our kids. I began studying and realized she was a covert narc. She assed away 4 months after he put her in a home. Then realized that both of them are covert Marc’s. 21 years of my life wasted with that man. He is dragging out signing divorce papers that I emailed to him 3 weeks ago. I’m so over it!!!🥹🥹🥹
Here’s another one, where was your father? All of these comments mentioning their mother, yet NO comments about their fathers. Interesting 🤔
@kalimbaayinde25 My dad passed away and that is why I moved back home to care for her and the family home.
Your videos are so calming. Watching the background reminded me of the time my sister tried to drown me in the ocean. I’ve never been so scared in my whole life. She laughed at me and said she could get away with drowning me and then held me under the water, until I almost passed out and she did it three times. She smirked while I cried and choked from the water and had such hatred for me. When I came out of the water and ran to the shore to try to tell what happened she came out of the water acting, as if nothing had happened and because I was so frantic while she pretended to be so confused and say that she had not even touched me in the water people believed her and I was accused of lying and punished. This was my childhood with this person who I now know to be nothing but pure evil decades later, I am still having nightmares about her. She did such horrible things. She triangulated me with everybody and made people hate me. It’s been a literal, lifelong terror campaign. I have now found out that her husband has divorced her and that gives me great validation, even though I feel sad for the choices she made. I am so happy that he got away from her. She was so horrible to him. She would criticize him relentlessly so much so that I couldn’t even be around her because I hated how he would just sit there and take it and take it and take it. Karma will come for her and God will have a special place for her. Brings me no solace because I will live the rest of my life dealing with the trauma and the CPTSD that she and my family inflicted, my heart goes out to each and every person who has had to live with this toxic and horrible family dynamic. It should be a crime. A criminal offense that is retroactive, punishable by prison and huge fines. Usually these types of families have a lot of money and the scapegoat gets disinherited and the reason that happens is because it’s a way of invalidating in the eye of the public anything the scapegoat might have to say regarding the abuse that went on in the house, even to the day they die all they care about is the reputation and what people think of them.
Both of my parents were narcissists but I can't think think of anything more horrifying than a sister like you had...born evil.
@@walloffire2225 I’m so sorry for what you endured. Yes I could tell you story after story after story just as bad as her trying to drown me. I never did anything to her. I asked her one time, name even one time that I yelled at you or disrespected you or did something mean to you and she couldn’t even name one time so I asked her why do you hate me so bad (2016) and she couldn’t even answer the question. All she did was stutter and stutter and stutter while trying to think of an answer yet no words came out and we were on the phone and she conveniently said she had to go and was getting another phone call and that was the last time I spoke to her and it’s been 7 years but now I believe it was my dad she hated (my mother and dad had a terrible relationship ughh cheating, alcohol you know the drill) and I was unaware of that almost all of my life but she was old enough to remember and they always fought, and she even wrote letters begging him to fix things and not divorce so she endured trauma way too young she was only 12) and she couldn’t face that so she took all her rage out on me. Plus I look just like my mother, so that probably did not help things for her. I guess I was just a walking bad memory for the whole family so going no contact was a blessing more than likely for everyone including me. might’ve been a shock at first once they realized I was gone, but I did it in such a way that they really never knew what happened until it was far too late to do anything about it. It’s the only way to get your health back and to stay in peace. I wish I had read the Bible more and I would’ve understood the family is the first betray you. Sad but true.
I experienced this with my parents and even more with my sister.
The feeling of relief when she leaved and feeling of dread when she would come back.
7:47 for my family, it is inter-generational (grandmother, mother and me) but it ended with me. Your videos are validating me. I'm a psychologist myself.
Even Dr Ramini admitted during covid that she was recently duped by a narcissist and in a dark space. So, goes to show, we all can lose the trail while on the path. It's what you do with that revelation that counts. Do you retrace your steps, find your way back to health? Or do you push onward, knowing the terrain is moving you away from your goal?
Yes, I know none of us are immune to toxic people, even when we have the "knowledge" - it can go right out of the window! My recent experience was about having to interact with that person from a long time ago, and it triggering old feelings from that relationship, as well as my childhood and years that followed. What helped me was really identifying what was happening, and then trying to make decisions and set new boundaries for myself, as well as getting back into walking more, and meditation...focusing on being good to myself and trying to finally set some parts of the hurt inner child free. If that makes sense? I am going to share more about this in upcoming videos too! Thank you for being here with me too!💗💗
@@DrKimSage Perfect sense. I just got hoovered by my ex. Divorced in 1990. Haven't seen him (last hoover) since 1994. It stirs up a lot, both negative and positive. Stay strong with the Force! Wishing you peace.
I am on the other side of it now and see how I was manipulated at the time I had no clue to what was going on and I was scared to be on my own as I have high functioning autism diagnosed and I think I could have ADHD but now I see everything I was blinded to she was cheating on me coming home late or with work colleagues and telling people she was singles and then lying what I asked her she kept saying I was paranoid now she doesn't even hide her behaviour just blame it on her addiction .I am happy now I've let go .
My cover narcissistic ex-husband was in the same field. I had a dream job in that field, working on vital projects with enormous positive benefit to a resource we were both passionate about. I frequently helped him with his work and even obtained large grants to fund his research. He refused to let me talk about my work and showed no interest in it. If it wasn’t about him, and especially if it was about me, he was hostile to hearing about it. At a professional meeting, one of my projects was brought up, a huge, massively successful project, he leaned over and asked me if I had been involved. I said yes, then walked to the podium to receive a plaque and applause. He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day.
My Mother is narcissistic, her Mom is too and I am on the verge of divorcing a man after 31 yrs of marriage. I feel like I can’t function 😢😢😢😢
Praying for you ❤️
You can overcome this. ❤❤
But your father wasn’t? The mother is always blamed, but the fathers NEVER come up for leaving you in a situation like this. 🙄🤔
Please heal me Lord! Please heal all these people who suffer. So sad. I’m so burnt out. On the edge - at Dr today. I’m here to heal please please please. So grateful to have found this channel. Amen! Thank you!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼😇❤️ very complicated child hood. I’m ready to let go… I said yes the all 10. Smh. I’m just figuring all this out.
Not treated well if you don’t provide what they want or do what they demand…that just happened last night, and I stood up for myself and said “stop. I did nothing to warrant you to treat me this way. You are being disrespectful, and I don’t have to jump when you say jump! You don’t have the right to control me, so please stop it.” It kinda worked, sort of….
As long as it worked for YOU!💖
Yes! Setting boundaries and protecting ourselves is not easy! Sending more strength, healing and support to you today.💗💗
@@katsarti9224 💗💗
Did you get kicked out
Thank you for all your help. I am on my healing journey and I have to give myself some compassion. Being abused for decades doesn't go away quickly. Show yourself some compassion.❤️
You are so welcome, thank you for being here, and yes, you do deserve compassion and healing support. Please take good care today.🙏🙏
It is like you have been watching my life and are just talking about it right now. Mercy. This is a lot to process.
Thinking you'll only find your peace after he's gone.
My first husband i felt extremely alone at the end of the day. I did everything.. took care of the kids, home, taking kids to and from hospitals by myself because he had to sleep bc he worked the next day. I became exhausted. Then he said he was attracted to men after 5 years of marriage. That blew my world apart. I had to go to counseling to get a divorce bc I didn't want to get a divorce bc my parents were divorced
Love strength and protection to to you beautiful soul!
Thank you and love and protection and healing strength right back to you! 💗💗
I'd be proud of a doctorate. I'd also be proud of raising four children. (I'm proud of my one - but tired!) Doing both, and simultaneously, is just completely heroic!
Belated welcome back. 😊
I have been so alone 😢
Me also ❤❤❤❤❤
I was raised by a narcissist father and was (sexually abused by family members as a child) only had the example from an abused mother being married to my father it explains why I ended up marrying a narcissist...so mest up from it. Grateful I had an opportunity to heal from counciling but I've only recently dealt with the damage that my father caused.
Both my ex girlfriends are narcissists and everything listed here describes what and how they made me feel.
Thank you for sharing these experiences.
This is my story. Frequent beatings, public humiliation, always diminished and punished when I didn't blindly obey him. I recently found out I have ADHD, which made everything more complicated.
Thanks for sharing! Everything you mentioned resonated. I've been on the healing path for several years but it always surprises me when I get triggered. Ugh. The struggle to be mindful and stay in a positive mindset is ongoing.
Thank you for being here with me:). It's so true that it's a real struggle to stay mindful and sometimes interacting with the old stuff can be so triggering...even when we know about it, I think it can just hijack our plans and healing!🙏💗
I am literally sobbing right now. I am so terrified and I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out about all these things you’re talking about.
Sending you hugs. From one victim of narcissist abuse to another. ❤️❤️❤️
Love, healing and hugs back to you! Thank you!!💗💗🙏
The beach clips were so beautiful! I've only been to the jersey shore and it's nothing as nice as that view. Thank you for everything you share with us
Thankyou for your calm spirit!and you are so helpful ❤ I've lived with a toxic covert mother that caused so much pain ,but I'm trying to heal after all these years I finally see it's not me and can let go of the Shame that has burdened me for so long !thankyou!
Thank you for your sweet words! I am so sorry you've been burdened by shame and the pain of a toxic mother, I know how incredibly difficult it is to work on our recovery, and trying our best to thrive in spite of our childhood.🙏💗
Thank you, Kim. I feel so seen and I hope you find some peace for yourself. I never knew I was suffering from abuse until I left my relationship and went to therapy. It’s been a long road to recovery
Sometimes I open these videos in the hopes I will not find what I'm looking for and suddenly realize it was only my bad perception of th situation
Thank you again for this current video. Being male and in the older age bracket, I am gradually becoming more and more aware of the patterns and events in my life, that have been both initiated internally and others that were often imposed from outside myself by another person, in particular, and other people.
I not only receive information from what you offer in your videos, but also a kind of solace, as if from the care and attention offered by a friend.
Although I feel a degree of anxiety about reviewing past events, this is among the videos that I will come back to in order to reassess and review the ideas and thoughts that you are offering and how they relate to events in my own life. Many of those actions that I may have generated by being unaware of the formative childhood events and experiences that motivated or influenced the way that I have subsequently conducted my life. Events and circumstances, imposed from outside myself, that have, in some way, affected how I have viewed and proceeded with my life while other events and experiences that have had a direct impact on my progress in life. Most of these mainly centreing around and conected to a narcisistic father.
Best Wishes, PNH
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story here. I am happy to hear you found this helpful and I love the idea of it feeling like information and support offered from a friend, that's exactly what I was hoping for. Sending support and healing wishes to you today, I know trying to heal and recover from Narcissistic parents is not easy, by any means.🙏🙏
@@DrKimSage 👍👍
GRATEFULNESS 🙏Dr Kim for wanting to 'walk alongside us'. I'm one who is battleing to 'climb my way out' of the after-effects of narcissistic parents, marriages & other relationships.
Thank you for this message. It has encouraged me. I identified with the effects you descibed. I lost everything at the end through maladaptive self sabatoge. It was bad. Building up and better at 35. Thank you so much.
I feel all 10 things. And had the toxic childhood
next time your in Noosa heads Australia Kim...look me up I would love to be your tour guide!
The feeling of needing to scratch ourselves happens when we are channeling energy and grounding into what we are focusing on ❤
Just found you... and you're just what I needed.
Dr Sage, the dread you mentioned, I haven’t heard this before, but I vividly remember that dread (eg. we would jump to high attention when our ‘narc’ arrived home, and 2 narc bosses, I ended up working from home 2 weeks to just ‘be’ away from them. I experienced same with a bipolar colleague in her manic phase, but with narcs it was a high alert flight-freeze response. I hope all my healing means this will never happen again. 🙏❤️🧘♀️
Sorry to hear you've had a difficult time Dr Sage. Your ability to be so self aware and reflective is really inspiring to me. I love the ocean in this video, so soothing and its really lovely to see you back. Im looking forward to understanding more about past trauma connecting to being drawn to and triggered by certain narcissists and how to be free of the cycle.💕
Thank you for your kind words! I am so happy to see you here with me again! I hope you have a lovely day, and I truly look forward to sharing more.💗💗
@@DrKimSage ❤️❤️
Ugh, this is too accurate. I left him 9 years ago, although he is still taking me to family court, and I never got my sense of self back.
It's unbearable with a narc
I can't believe I experienced everything you discussed in this video! There is no doubt in my mind anymore that I am a narcissistic abuse survivor. Thank you for this content it's helping me heal and move forward. 🙏
Thank you so much for posting this you really do understand that a soul level I was married for twenty-five years was six kids before I figured this out and when I did I set boundaries and he let everything go house foreclosed everything we owned was sold in an auction it's still in my parent's inheritance my retirement My mind body soul when we finally got away from him there was nothing left of me we have never heard from him again it's like we never the pain is unbearable
You have described me to a tee. All 10 signs are relevant to me. Thank you for this enlightening video.
From Golden Child to Scapegoat.
Thank you Kim for this video❤❤❤ I am in definite shock everything you said basically checks the list of everything i feel or basically suffer from. I am at college and now that i had to come back home i understand every and each reason why i felt bad when i was little cause the toxic cycles repeat. My mom snaps so drastically even at a little nuance , then enlists evertything that “ i did wrong/ bad” to justify that she is the victim of a bad and egoistic child who’s always in wrong… and yeah you’ve guessed right she’s always right and the victim of the situation… the fury and hatred in her words doesnt even make sense and.. for ex. after 15/20mins she acts as if everything is okay and smiles at me😮 like.. i cant fucking process what happened and i have to follow along the mood of hers to keep the peace anyways..
After very harsh moments of her screams and terrific moments that i had to go through this month i thought :” i should cut my contact with her totally after i am financially independent cause being with her really wears me down” but i felt and still really feel guilt around this thought cause i think about how the other people from my family and my mom especially think of me as an ungrateful child for abandoning her mother.. without actually knowing how she really treats me or the things i had to go through because of her..
Its really confusing having a mother that seems to want the best for you and still expresses how you worth nothing, your life doesn’t have a value and stupid shit like that…
At this point i try to actually really not to care what she says..
Hang in there friends , we can survive and heal❤
Hearing/seeing you take it easy on yourself when you need it empowers me to take things slowly when that serves me best.
Coming from a narcissistic mother and being autistic, i am now blessed to have a family in Christ.
Now im not saying a “church fam” is what is helping exactly cause theres bad apples everywhere but the ones that I HAVE have shown me actual concern and care for my soul something ive never felt before.
So happy you are blessed with true disciples of Jesus. Not all who go to congregations are there for the right reason. As long as you know your worth in Him and put Him first in everything, you will be truly free and full of joy and peace no matter what trials and tribulations may come our way. Be blessed
Where was your father? I always ask this, because why would your father leave you in that situation?
I am out of narcist abuse hubby for 12 yrs. And now take care of narcist old father.. And my luck at work has been sooo messy.. Now I got it.. The guilt is from feeling like I didn't give Back to them enough.. I owe them too much.. Thank you sooooo much.. 12yrs of searching is answered now ❤
WOW, this is one of the best videos explaining a narcissist. This is just a part of my long nightmare. My husband and I were mentally and verbally abused by our evil narcissistic demon of an adult daughter, For years. It got so bad that the stress cause an emotional breakdown for my husband, One day he started crying uncontrollably with him gasping for air ( this is a guy that never cried because of his upbringing of men don't cry ) He was asking what he did wrong on raising her to be so evil then he collapsed and took his last breath 4 years and 8 months ago. She always had anger issues since she was a teen, but we chopped it up as just being a teen and hormons since she seemed to be a very well-rounded person overall. We noticed the changes in her as she got older and thought she was bipolar. But it was too late for us to get her help because she was over 18. She wouldn't amit that she has mental problems and get help. By the time I learned about narcissism, it was too late. The trauma damage was already done. In those horrible years of walking on eggshells, she had us under her control because she was kicked out of her ex-husband's home for stepping out on him and the trauma she caused. She ended back with us because she was homeless and 3 months pregnant with another's man child. So, of course, we took her in. She was lying from the start, telling us her marriage failed because he was abusing her physically. I know different now. We tried to help her, going through her pregnancy and the birth, then she couldn't handle being a mother. She wouldn't do what a mother should do and we ended up raising our grandson until he was 6 years old.
She hunted down for a new supply because my husband became disabled and we couldn't give her a free ride anymore. We asked her to start paying her own way because if she didn't we would end up homeless. That pissed her off, and she really got bad. She finally found a nieve 24 year old guy, 6 years younger than her, Within 3 months, she manipulated and lied to him and they moved in together. Then she trapped him by getting pregnant. My husband I ended up homeless with her stalking us and still messing with our heads using our grandson against us. Then my husband died. She destroyed me beyond repair. I have been abandoned by everyone,... She made sure of that with her lies.. I went no contact but it is slowly killing me from the inside out. I can't have a relationship with my grandson. I can't function anymore. I'm the one who is at fault somehow. And you know what.. I'm starting to believe I must be. I'm just a failure and a lost cause.. I can not heal . It hurts so much. I'm so tired of trying. I just want to die.
These videos are really resonating with me, I just wanted to share a small part of my story that has happened recently, I thought I was in a good healthy position finally in my life after dealing with a lot of emotional abuse and grief over the years. I was beginning to trust people again, then I was diagnosed with a life threatening illness and had no choice but to be vulnerable and it was painful!. One particular person that I trusted at the time was a work colleague that showed support and kindness ( I believed) on my return to work she switched and I was bullied by her. My first instinct was to be annoyed with myself, to be taken in by her etc etc thinking if I hadn't let my vulnerability show she wouldn't have targeted me. How when being vulnerable can you still protect yourself?
I loved the clips with the sea views and the doctor relaxing,
I feel like that now.. and I still feel like I was wrong 😢
I have just come to realise that my ex partner was a narcissist.He left 23 years ago and I have finally come to understand what happened in that relationship.Thank you for this.
This is so helpful. I had a really toxic childhood so did my brother. I believe my mom was the narcissist n my dad bipolar we found out when he was sixty!! So yeah we were his punching bags. Mom had abandonment issues so she would not leave. N mom didn't like how my dad loved me. I thought she was jealous. Actually she had to tell us when to hug my father. I have been in mentally n emotional abuse in every relationship since. Only physical the first 3 years of our marriage. Then a controlling older man that I waited on hand n foot. Until I got fat after having a baby. I still have baby fat then 17yrs later I remarry 1st husband because all the crap 2;nd one did to me. I've been divorced for 12 yrs. I'm messed up don't want a relationship w anyone. Because they act like a gentleman find out how sweet n loving I am and try to crap on me and treat me bad for fun...I can't take it anymore.
Thank you...
So true .
You are a beautiful blessing sister .
Bless you ❤️.
Heal and let's pray for each other.
Kim I'm praying for you too...
Amen.
🙏🏻💜🔥💯🙌🏻🕊️
Please keep making videos!
I will! thank you for being here!!🙏🙏
Dr Kim that break did you good.😁💡You sound very warm hearted and insightful😁. you found a way to dig deeper to help and be wiser; just like eagles go away to renew their strength. you put it across in small bite size bullet points. You were spot on. Thanks for the videos. We appreciate you are giving out a lot. Takes energy 💗Bravo!!!
Thank you so much, such a kind and thoughtful reply! Yes, I feel like some things lifted after the dark spot and I am so excited to share more! Hope you have a lovely day! Lots of healing hugs!💗💗
😢😭 everything u said is me.
She really took my soul and fucked my head, years have passed and she remains a ghost in my head. After her, I no longer wanted a relationship and I have an avoidance of sex. Before her I was in my mid 20s, then I felt 80,000. Even though I have found a balance and am kind and positive on the outside, on the inside I will never go back to the way I was before.
Thank you for your peaceful, kind voice and insight ❤. You are a healer and thank you.
Thank you, you do a great job.
You help me to understand this stuff.
I'm so glad I found you
11:56 I have been healing since February. Some days I am good sort of feeling good and bad through the day but some days are difficult.
Thank you Dr. Sage, I truly appreciate you and your channel the content you discuss is spot on for me. I was cast as the scapegoat in my family by my covert narcissistic mother. She has done so much damage in my life and ruined my relationships with both of my daughters. I have major issues related to the narcissistic abuse I survived within my toxic family of origin.
I can’t escape it!!!!!!
your videos are such blessings girl! 🙌 i don't even got the words to express it without a ramble 🤣
My thoughts exactly.
Nice how you remember to addres all parts of dealing with a narcissist. Very thoughtful full and professional ❤🎉🎉😂
Wow this is really shocking to realize this happened to me because almost everything you said resonates
I definitely feel better when I'm not around them , like everything she saying is how I feel, wow I thought it was just me ... I thought I was going crazy
I wish I knew what cptsd was 6 months ago...my brother wouldn't be dead.
😥😥😥😥😥
I am so deeply sorry for your loss.🙏🙏
@@DrKimSage thanks, it is terrible...he 1000% had cptsd from a narcissist father and I mean the most narcissistic father maybe even possible....then married one...I never saw it and I realize the shame he must have felt and how "crazy" anyone would have said he was if he said anything....it has taught me what trauma is, what adhd is, and the difference between anxiety and being anxious...none of this brings him back or makes me feel better right now.
@@tolt1776 sending love 💗💗💗
Do you have any videos on narcissistic sibling abuse?
TW: CSA
My "father" raped and trafficked my older sister and me. Our "mother" called us "homewrekers" and "stupid." My older sis, whom I loved, ran away when I was 4 and never returned. You can only imagine what this set me up for in life. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with narcissistic abuse yourself. You're right, it is incredibly Insidious and destructive. I'm so glad I found you!
I'm so sorry 😔.... you and your sister went through that horror.
😮😢you are spot on!
You are just so beautiful and open. Your heartfelt honesty is incredible and your work is important. Many blessings 🙏❤️
I am scared of wanting to feel special, and kind of don’t feel ”worthy” of my/other people’s pity/attention. My mother grew up during war, and was sent away from hone, her father left her etc. My father left us too, but I feel like couldn’t have had a childhood that was worth oitying me for, and I did well at school, I have a food job etc. Yet I recognise all these things. My childhool had issues. My close relationships have issues. I struggle with anxiety and I’ve had depression. I feel alone, though I have husband and children.
Thank you so much Kim, this is truly helping me heal and spiritual life as well. Almost all of my life, i have personally been in these toxic/narcissistic relationships from my past life now still continuing in the present moment. 🙏🙌❤️
Love your videos so much Dr.Kim! They have helped me immensely.
You have helped me so much to see things for how they are. Thankyou for your wisdom and for sharing. I hear you and see you too.
Thank you so much for being here, being seen is deeply appreciated.
💗💗
Everything you said is true. I love your podcast.❤
I'm currently going through it now 😞 I didn't know it and how it's affecting me until I got into therapy and started working on myself, I've discovered so much but this one is tough and I feel literally like I'm alone, they ostracized me in the family, I can't begin. just pray for me I'm doing everything I can I can't talk to my parents though . They start yelling if I disagree and yesterday my dad said " do you not know that something is wrong with you?" 😢 .. I can't live like this much longer
Thank you for this insight into signs you have suffered a narcissistic abusive relationship... I have some thoughts that I wondered about while listening to you reflect so honestly and vulnerably...
...I went through a covert narcissistic abusive relationship for over 10 years and was only learning and realising as I went that was what it is... and this relationship also compounded and seems to have increased my own struggles for self-esteem and need for care and attention and love...
...what I found recently was that as a result of this I actually reacted to lack of care and attention and love in a moment of a relationship just recently now finished... I reacted passive agressively in that moment and as a result caused hurt and pain to the my partner... it took a couple of weeks to fully understand how much I had hurt her and how badly I had expressed my needs in that moment... and to my shock and horror I had actually behaved in a narcissistic abusive way triggered by (as I am realising fully now) past trauma from this previous relationship...
...well i studied and learned as much about my reaction to not having my needs met and apologised from deep within the heart... but trust was broken and as always this led to higher risk of misunderstandings and unintentionally hurting each other as we tried to repair that trust. I discovered in this process that both myself and my partner were both struggling in our own ways to communicate our needs but in different ways triggered by our past relationship experiences...
...anyway I suppose i just wished to share this with everyone as I think all of us have of course an ego that we struggle to completely let go of and so all of us have i think the potential for narcissistic abuse within us whether in micro agressions/passive agressions, and if left unchecked I suppose potential for deeper narcissistic abusive tendencies... though thankfully I have had enough introspective tendencies to motivate me to learn and discover how toxic this passive agressive reaction was when an unanticipated need of mine arose and was not met fatally undermining trust and breaking down a relationship that I had truly cherished for its honesty and connection and joy.
🙏🏽
Thank you for your videos🌈🌈God bless you Kim🌈🌈