I say it to my students all the time but can’t with myself --in the process the last few months to pull off the bandage and see the truth of my mother ! So painful ! 👀
No kidding! I always felt, as an adult, that she was sitting there on my shoulder just waiting to disapprove of anything I'd do in my life or criticize or lecture me. At least that feeling finally went away. I always think of the Russian tanks rolling into Czechoslovakia in the summer of 1968 or Tienamen Square and the tanks (or those driving them) would just as soon roll over you (me) as look at you (me). Like I was nothing - a complete voiding or destruction of who I am so that my mother could sort of reincarnate herself into my body and take over. To negate someone that you're supposed to love and nurture is horrible.
The worst is when things the narcissistic parent said to you as a child stick in your brain and drive you to sabotage good relationships you've built with others. How does a person get rid of that voice?
"Repeated disregard for you as a human being." Wow! That was my experience living with a birth mother who was an sexaddict, alcoholic and a rageful covert Narcissist. You know your stuff Dr Sage.
I realized my mom had something wrong emotionally and tried to discuss it with my father when I was just coming into my adolescent years. He stifled any conversation, I now realize she had borderline/depression or cptsd. It helps more than I could have imagined to find this site.
it felt like you were describing me 100%. This is my final confirmation that I was raised by a narcissist. My mind still wants to protect my caregiver and just say that she had some mental health issues and it wasn't her fault. But I think if we want to grow up we have to finally admit how it was and stop trying to protect the parent...I still want to protect her though..but I have to start standing up for myself and validating my experiences as a child and the resulting difficulties as an adult.
I struggle with the issue you describe. I want to save my mom so much. It may be why I can't heal. I do not find that many people in our situation struggle with this. So I was surprised by your post. Thank you for sharing it.
I too had felt the need to keep being abused by my Narcissistic "caregiver ",however I had to rethink every traumatic thing that has happened to me since birth and finally into my mid 20's I found my strength. I did gi no contact with her in 2019 but felt a bit guilty but still kept my distance. Sent her flowers on Mothers day even though I wasn't speaking to her and she calls me in July to thank me🙄.Tried to rebuild a relationship because our "family" is full of dysfunction and she is always in denial about that.I tried again to make amends back in 2021 and she tried to be very sneaky and tried to stir up something, so from then on I went NC for good and don't feel bad because I'm tired of the same old results so I decided to break cycles because I'm raising my own child. So you have to Live for you🎯
My mum snatched my degree out of my hand, she told me my wedding wasn't about me, and she's even told me she wants to write a pregnancy diary now I'm pregnant. I was the 2 year old who played alone, I've never felt safe to show emotion, and I've never felt loved by her. I'm just bragging rights for her.
Run honey, run and don't look back.... find your peace, find your joy, sometimes you just gotta let toxic people go - it doesn't mean you don't love them and wish the best for them, it just means that they are poisonous to you, and you can't be in their sphere. Many prayers.
My father was a narcissist. My mother his hostage. My father would abuse my mother if I ever expressed any type of negative emotion. At a very young age I learned to be quiet and never express sadness, anger, frustration, wants or needs... At 45 I broke down, ended up in debt, lost my job and now feel I am utterly worthless and that it is best for me to just end it. I feel like I have a giant sticker on my forehead that reads "inadequate".
I’m so sorry. I feel the same- like an incompetent, worthless child. I’m just a burden, and there’s no reason for my existence. I don’t know why I’m here. I’m just killing time.
We are more than the materialistic things . We are worthy , capable , humane & much more . We hold the greatest abilities of all , to be able to feel and express our emotions . 🩵
I told mine something like am I poop?! Which she deflected like I said poop to her, so I instantly felt bad, like I name called her. It didn't make any sense then. Still doesn't, but now I can see, she made me feel like sh.. This has been years ago, now five years no contact while I try to figure stuff out on my own, as usual. I recently moved, slept three nights, I saw a mouse... Now I went back yesterday, as I went to bed a few minutes later heard a jumping noise and then suddenly sounded like surround sound, like there were three. So I abandoned my new place just as I self abandon. Trauma therapy starts within two weeks, I can't trust my reality. Now I'll press play and watch this video. So, how have you been holding up the past three weeks?
@@bbdn5123 you found a place of your own? Thankfully I’d made a friend the year my mom kicked me out and he took me in to live with his family. I don’t know how to find a good therapist and my insurance isn’t great it may not cover any trauma therapy. I don’t miss her but I don’t know how to properly take care of myself. How is life treating you? Did she always treat you that way?
Wow I can relate, had me crying out anger because she wasn't trying to understand where I was coming from.When I looked at her she was emotionless, just looking at me like oh well🤯I wanted to lunge at her like a lion and tear her up but I had to have my (next Narcissistic sister) calm me down but once I saw how she reacted I knew that she's not for me.
No one in my family understands the truth of my narcissist verbally abusive mother. Before she died the nicest thing I remember that she ever said to me was that I like to spend money and that I needed to marry rich. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was seven and died when I was fourteen. Parents also gaslighted us about her sickness among everything else. The adults in-charge were more like headless chickens with the added weekly domestic violence, door slamming and lamps hurling across the room. My therapist said, "You went through a lot. A LOT." My response, "I did????" Oh I'm definitely a colorful butterfly with some wing damage and proportional reality distortions. You videos are helping me a lot thank you.
This explains why I have very few memories of my childhood. One of the phrases ingrained in my brain is "It's better to be seen than heard." This video is my childhood explained to a T. WOW...
When I realized my mother was a narcissist, I finally was able to come to terms with how she treated me and how she saw me. She didn't see me. I didn't exist for her. That was a huge revelation for me. It enabled me to finally be who I really was and I eventually stopped having a relationship with her because she wasn't willing to accept who I was and I was no longer willing to pretend.
I don't know if my mom is narcissistic, like the disorder, but she did a lot of things that don't make sense. I remember I was in a daily program for mental illness, and my mom came to every session/class with me that she was allowed to. She started talking about me with smiles and grand gestures, talking about my puberty and when I got my period and stuff that I was humiliated about. She was the only parent there. I relate to this video a lot.
This is the most accurate description of my life that I've ever heard. And yes, I was raised by a narcissistic mother and it still feels very disloyal to say that, as loyalty ia one of my own personality traits. I have never even grieved for her when she died, and that feels weird and rather disloyal, too. I do grieve for the relationship we could have had. She may have loved me? But I never felt as though she liked me. She was critical and controlling her entire life. What has been confusing is that she was actually a great mom in so many ways and worked so hard I called her martyr mom. But there was little emotional support or empathy from her ever. I never felt heard. And I don't think I ever heard her apologize for anything. And as Dr. Kim mentioned, I have several chronic diseases/health issues. I could write on and on, but this video so closely mirrored my experience, I just wanted to say "thanks" and that it feels good that someone understands. Are there any videos that are really helpful in how to overcome a lifetime of these issues (once and for all???)? I'm so tired of dealing with these things. I've forgiven and worked hard to get clear of all these experiences and sometimes feel that I'm pretty much there. Then something/s will come up and the memories and feelings regurgitate themselves back into my life and consciousness. Perhaps it's so that there are further opportunities to deal with them and recover more fully. I don't know.
As someone who was raised by a narcissistic mother and a dismissive avoidant father, your first point strikes a chord, though it's also the case that reality at a wider level doesn't really care about us. It simply offers us the opportunity to make ourselves happy or miserable from moment to moment. We must constantly choose one or the other. Your life is the sum total of what you choose in each moment. You have to construct your own meaning in life, and you have to seek out the people who can attune to you and accept you for your authentic self. You may have to do a lot of work inside to accept the existential truths of reality but still face the world with a loving heart. As Schopheneur argued, we are like prisoners living inside an open prison for our minds. Our choice is whether we are going to assist our fellow prisoners or whether we are going to be one of the prison guards.
I was convinced I was a bitchy, rotten, mean person who could fight with people all the time, I didn’t realize until I started socializing outside my home that I’m actually a very kind, non confrontational, peace loving, and even shy person. I was always so surprised when people would tell me how nice I was, I didn’t believe it until I heard it so many times over the years.
My narcissistic parent didn’t believe me when I told her my cousin twice my age was sexually assaulting me. Because of this I was kicked out when I got kicked out I got into a very traumatic car accident she still didn’t have much sympathy after the car accident she put all of my stuff in trash bags outside and my stuff was destroyed I’m still dealing with the trauma because it’s so recent but I can say I hate this women with all of my heart and I hate feeling like that about my own parent
I have no words, just feels. As I feel deeply with you. Thank you for sharing, I think you're very brave and strong. Don't let it take you down. I'm glad you came here looking for knowledge instead. Take care, always. You're very precious, wish I could make all the pain, hurt and anger go away. And if you'd let me, I'd give you the warmest embrace, I hope you feel it in your heart and soul ☝🏽🌌💖💫
I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better. You are precious, and they had no right to treat you that way. I absolutely detest my disgusting mother as well. She ruined my life. I don’t understand why innocent, sweet babies are born to these monsters. It’s incomprehensible. I wish you the very best. May you heal and have a healthy, peaceful, safe life. Take care 💜💫
This was so validating. I knew that these signs were under the umbrella of trauma, but to hear them so specifically related to being raised by a narcissist, is eye opening. I remember feeling these as young as 3. Having access to those memories is very new to me, and I believe only as a result of MDMA/psychedelic therapy. I have suspected for approximately 6 months that my stepmother was/is a narcissist. But after watching this video, that now extends to include my mother as well. Thank you for this post. I truly appreciate your videos :)
Ya this checks off all the boxes. I had a therapist who told me my mom was a narcissist who practiced 'reverse parenting'. She did not explain it, so I had no idea what that was. Wish I had someone like you as a therapist!
Wow!! 100% my life. I never knew why!! I can't believe that I've lived this way my whole life thinking this was something wrong with me!! (Which I guess it is but at least now I know why!!!)
Gosh you really managed to sum up my world. Between a Alcoholic narcissist and a covert narcissist who is always the victim you are very spot on with how my emotions are and people pleasing has been. Very low self esteem that I have managed to re build over time. It makes sense. Thank you for your videos. ❤
this is the best description I have found on the internet anywhere. I can't for the life of me figure out why there are so few views here - it makes me wonder about the pop-understanding of these issues where people aren't comfortable with the real symptoms, they just want to hear things like "how to trick the narcissist" or whatever. Or do they want to watch things that will place them in this unfortunate, painful demographic for whatever reason, but since this is so accurate abd nuanced that they find themselves no longer qualifying?
I think my mom has a mix between BPD and narcissistic, i always do everything wrong, but we looked like the perfect family, look pretty and well dress, super clean house, and my dad def more narcissistic, getting a B was like murdering someone, working hard was never enough i was a simple employee, and i have BPD and anxious attachment style and of course when I'm at school or work i overwork, feel better if I'm number one but also i end up having panic attacks
Definitely look into types of narcissists and specifically covert and high functioning narcissism, if you haven’t already done so. Narcissism can appear and manifest in many ways and they can appear very functional and capable other than their relationships with any supply.
@@DrKimSage I’d love to see a video about being raised by a parent who is a narcissistic sociopath. Or, a video about the weird world of being raised with 1 narc parent and 1 normal parent who, while at times passively enabling, refused to actively enable the narc parent and/or even stood up to them. Thank you for all you do 💜
@@DrKimSage , yes, PLEASE do this one, especially in regards to how that would manifest in a primary caregiver, and the way it would affect their children (including their adult children).
Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling and why. Watching you talk, almost makes me want to get therapy. I still don't trust therapists enough to get therapy because one violated that trust, but at least I felt someone understood.
Thank you for doing this series, especially this video. I think it's almost easier to see outwardly how someone might be a certain way, but it is sometimes hard to idenify how it effects yourself. Several things stood out to me: 1.) I think mine might be boarderline..sometimes it's great, sometimes it's crap! 2.) Using words like: "I think ." (or the "Not sure".) Then I remember that whenever I start with a "I think" statement, I get questioned ..."You Think?! or "Do you know?" I feel like saying "I think" should be enough and why should it be wrong to say something because I'm afraid of being too assertive and not fully knowing what I think I know? I guess it feels like it gives me a way to keep things open so I'm not shut down. 3.) My value as a person is the ""Doing" and I don't feel like I'm enough sometimes. I've mentally put myself down more times than I can count too. I think this is why I feel really depressed, especially after a lecture. Atl least it feels more like a lecture. Saying something like "You should..." or "Make sure you..." Rarely do I get a complement and most of the time it's because my Mom, siblilngs, or someone else has mentioned it. 4.) I remember getting repremanded at my first job and while it was still my fault for not telling my coworker that I was helping an aide, I remember crying hard and being scared of loosing my job. Luckily it was my only big warning and I was able to make it through the duration of what I needed to do. Still, it was pretty traumatizing at the time and probably would still be. _____________________________________________________________________________ I'm not sure you covered this in the video, but another thing I noticed was one time, I was starting to tell about my physical disability to a small group Church class that my Mom and I were attending and somewhere in my explaination, my Mom interupts me and finishing telling about my physical disability. I just let her keep talking and desided to stop talking. It was only a few minutes, but looking back, it did seem odd.
I always wanted my children to surpass any success I've had in life. My accomplishments were always downplayed by my mother. I was the type to always strive for high standards in school and work. I understand why now. My children have been told I will love you no matter what.
This is so powerful! You described my situation and so many of my lifelong issues that I have struggled with being raised by my parents. Thank you so much for your videos and wisdom.
I suspect my mother never once had an interest in me as a human being. None, she knew absolutely nothing about me . If I did not call her every day she would call me and ask me, where I have been ?and why I had not called? or she could be dead. She loved that one. I could have been dead!~
Wow…. So much of this hits home. I don’t remember my child hood and I remember having that me act reaction…. I know my childhood was there but I don’t remember much about it. I have done SO much work over the years and I happily have an amazing relationship with my daughter and I’m consciously in her life so the pattern ends with me but it’s interesting to see how many other people have had similar stories. Be the parent you wish you had when you were a child.
I couldn’t make the connection to my mother being a narcissist when describing HER, but I completely relate to everything you described as the effect she had on ME.
I've been watching your videos recently and finally heard my feelings and questions been put into words and explained. It's been an awakening for me. It's been an emotional release and realisation of so many things. It's also been sad to realise the facts about this disorder and that I have to moarn a childhood I did not experience as a child. You are absolutely incredible, you are helping me so much with coming to terms with what I've been though. It's unbelievable that you almost know exactly what I've been through without ever meeting me. Thank you so much for your gift and thank you so much for being my gift. May you forever be blessed. This experience has been priceless to me. I am truly grateful 🙏 ❤
To know that a walk on eggshells gives me the inevitable, alongside therapy, makes it all the more clear that I must with both. Because where it matters being mentally and emotionally have I accepted years later that come to find out was it never there. Stings, but this is about me now--as it's grown tiresome being that verbal punching bag and the sudden strengths of grief. .
Sooo can anyone direct me to where I can buy the magic pills to make me functional? Cos I'm very very tired of being like this. Been doing therapy for many years and now I'm just ready for that magic pill please.
"Eating off of your plates." Really? My own narc mother would always eat off of my and other relatives' plates. I didn't know it was a narc thing, although it would get on my nerves, and my mother DOES disregard boundaries of others in the family and my boundaries. 😔
My mother was so disappointed that I fell down some in a restaurant and badly sprained my ankle before she had a chance to shop, that I gamely tried to limp around for her sake. She told me I had to toughen up.
This the most accurate description of myself. I was raised by a patological narcissist (overt) with a lot of BPD traits and ASPD traits and ADHD. I'm just happy to don't have any mental disorder, a part from having ADHD and histironics traits. Honestly, I wish I was born in a functional family rather one who is highly dysfunctional.
Could you do a video on difference between someone who has avoidant attachment vs someone who is narcissistic? My father i believe was has both. Now im married & i feel i married someone similar. Being an HSP this has been a very painful life journey trying to process & protect myself.
Wow- this is just so amazing to finally understand who I became and how I can move forward. I’m just realizing my mom had many narcissistic traits, I recently just unpacked the abandonment issues due to not knowing my father, whom my mother has always refused to tell me or anyone else his identity. So is it that he abandoned me or that my mother never told him that I exist so that I could be who she wanted or to fit into her own self-image? What a puzzle.
my first ever relationship was with a narcissist. we dated for 4.5 years. he grew up in the middle east in a very toxic home and in a conservative country. since leaving him, i’ve been constantly cycling through intense feelings of rage and shame now that i’m finally processing all of the emotional and psychological abuse i endured in therapy and through rumination. watching this video was very interesting for me. i will say, it was very validating (and a little spooky!) to hear each and every sentence match him exactly. but Dr Sage also explains in such a relational way that i also found myself feeling ashamed and guilty for choosing to remain angry and unforgiving towards him - because what a truly abhorrent childhood he must have suffered to turn out the way he did. what kind of pain, trauma, what kind of deep dysfunction was he subjected to as an innocent child for him to grow to be so unstable? how many times did he cry for mommy and daddy and remain unheard? how many sleepless nights did he have wishing for peace? how many tears did he cry into his pillows when he was alone? how many times did he hurt and not tell a soul? i feel very deeply for that child, i hurt as one in many similar ways. i battle very complex emotions on whether i am justified in my hatred with him. that he didn’t choose to grow up in such a toxic environment. but it’s still no excuse to treat people like complete garbage. the empath’s dilemma is lifelong 😪 anyways, thank you for this. while some days i would wish nothing but misery and revenge on him for how he ruined and treated me, at the same time i’d much rather hope that he changes and gets to live a peaceful, fulfilling life as a good parent/father, not only for his own sake, but for the sake of any loved ones. it’s really such a shame. getting stuck with and raised by a bad parent(s) is truly a tragedy. i just have to wonder why some people emerge kind, empathetic, and compassionate and why others turn out disrespectful, insecure, and manipulative… it’s quite strange
So how do we move on and heal? I recognize a lot of these patterns in myself, my mom was a vulnerable narcissist and I just realized that. Im in therapy, but its not helping
This so accurately describes me, it's scary. What type of therapy and therapist do you recommend and is there anything one can do individually to work past theses issues? I am 50 and issues with my father continue to affect me. I don't want it to keep hurting my relationship with my husband and kids.
Yup - pretty much me to a T. The real question is how do you change when it’s clear these issues are so deep and seem so exhausting to ‘fix’? At late 40s it really doesn’t see worth trying to do.
I dont know if my mom was a narcist. Im 55 now but i stil feel like i have to hide for every body. I think im not worth anything. My mom pushen me out of her live and out of all my family life. I trust anybody anymore. My mom was a cold person. She never said i was a good person she said a was a bad person i Just was pritty. I still have flashbacks of my jong age. I think i 'm maybe a narcist. I have been in therapie for over 30 years. I they said i have bps. But i had a accident when i was 3 and had a braindamage. I think i have had problems whit this all my life. She never went to therapie and it was always the others fold. I get confused of this. Is it me who is the narcist or am i the narcist? I dont see any bode of my family anymore even not my Kids because i think my mom influence them. I was a single mom and my mom was the 2e care taker if i couldnt handle it anymore. I do have problems with emotions i was to emotional as kid couldnt be happy or sad it was always bad in her eyes. Now i think i was the narcist. But i would never say to my kid i have done every thing to get you out of my life. Im so sad i often wake up crying or go to sleep crying. I.m always alone. Because im think im not worthy of loving or im a bad person friend mother etc. So i want to hide. But innerself i want ppl around me. I dont want to be alone all the time. I need time alone i know that to because i get tired if im to busy. Also i think i always say the wrong things i overthink a lot. Everytime if im in contact with a person i think i said something wrong or did something wrong. What is wrong with me. Am i a bad person? Am i the 1 who is nuts and do not deserve friend or ppl around me? Is it better for everybody to stay away from me? I think they can better stay away because im an emotional person. And always say the wrong things. I wish i was never born and cant wait to go to sleep for ever and go to the lord or to peace. My life was a living hell. And i miss my Kids so much. I thought i was a bad mother because my mom said so. I made a lot of mistakes. I know that. I think im selfaware. And i miss this in my mom. She never said sorry to me. She never fought for me. She let me be abused and i was the lyer while i know she lied so much. She even learned my Kids to lie to me. I dont know anymore. I Just know that im still struggling in life and cry a lot. I do realise i talk a lot in the i form but thats because i dont dont want to fill things in for how others think or feel. Am i the narcist? Am i a Child of a narcist? I realy dont know anymore. I know i was very late to evolve. I still am not that evolved yet if i hear or see other ppl. I think i got stuck in my young Child mind after the accident and never grown up as a adult in my brain. Does this sound crazy?
In my own mind same stuff goes around. I think and feel I'm crazy, thinking something is wrong with me. My counselor said nothing is wrong with me, I just endured and suffered situations, a bad series of them-like never ending. Stuff that happened or has been said says more about the other person, then about us/yourself. That's what I've been told. I hope in some way it helps you. Take care, always ☝🏽🌌💖💫
I was raised by a narcissist from 14 on after my parents died. I cut out my narcissist 6 years ago. I'm having a hard time differentiating between trauma after narcissistic abuse and CPTSD. Is CPTSD common after narcissistic abuse? These traits sound similar to CPTSD.
I feel like this kind of trauma narcissistic parents and cultures bring is surprisingly seen in this documentary film about North Korea 'Under the Sun'. I mean felt, on an irrational level. I was really crying in the end, because it reminded me of that intergenerational trauma me and my maternal family has because of my narcissistic grandma. It was all shown on a story and in the eyes of this one privelleved North Korean girl who is supposed to constantly lie about her everyday life and perform everything for documentary filmmakers. That movie had a really powerful impact on me.
I have a few memories but only one with my mother and it was a trauma to me. I never saw my two younger siblings. No memory of ever playing with them. I had to stay outside. Played by myself except a few times with older brothers. We lived in the country in the 50's my mother was a party girl and from accounts by my uncle's and grandparents and older brother she hated it and did everything she could to destroy my dad. He had severe PTSD from world war two and we didn't even know what it was back then. I think they called it she'll shock. He ended up drinking more and more and fights between parents until one day when I was nine we all stood at the bedroom window watching our mother get in a car drive away and didn't see for five years. She never missed a beat in he actions. Only got worse because we were all older and she couldn't control. Hell
I watched your other video about raised by a mother with bpd and I thought that was it for me… until I watched this. Literally everything… my bio mom is a narcissist
When planning my babyshower, my mom told it, it wasnt all about me. 🤦🏼♀️ um, okay i guess. You get so numb to not mattering and when youre not numb, you hurt a lot.
I am new to this channel; BTW a new subscriber. I am not sure if this could be addressed by Dr Sage or not, but here is my question. I often wonder about the role of social values and pressures at a given time and their reflection on the parenting style, the role of the proverbial "mother," and so on. Dr. Sage is talking about the traumas of our parents and our own. Is the fact that you or I feel traumatized a function of what is perceived as trauma by society at a given time?
As a kid I was worried that my parents would die and leave me to the point when they took a nap I made sure they were breathing, which is odd because when they were awake and alive it was hell.
I wish they would come up with another term than BORDERLINE. I have never been anywhere near psychotic. And as a 60 year old who is just now uncovering why my life has been so difficult in the last 10 years (thank you internet), I believe this is largely environment. This is a vicious cycle in how kids are parented. My parents did it to me, theirs' did it to them, and so on and so on. It is normalized because that's what my parents did, etc. So we don't make the connections until we look back. Siblings split up, one raised by Mom, the other raised by Dad (like pets) will reveal ALOT in behaviors. I remember feeling like "property". SO dominated by my narc father's demands and abuse. I feel like I am a puzzle, the pieces got lost and are now found, and I am now trying to put it together without the bigger picture (the picture on the box lid) so I don't know WHAT anything really is. So I daydream ALOT. I also don't love the label disassociate. It's daydreaming and its a protection mechanism.
I'm really glad you're acknowledging the biological aspects of npd have not yet been fully understood. Both parents beings npd was very hard. Sadism Cruelty Verbal/emotional abuse Neglect Parentalization Rageful explosion Performative rage Crazy self-pity in the npd Blame No accountability for the npd Physical abuse Auditory abuse-constant screaming
I remember coming home from school wanting to tell my mom about something about my day and id be all full of joy and she would ignore me and id say mom guess what mom mom mom guess what as she would reply Jessica im ignoring you if you havent noticed..i struggle with feeling not heard seen so rebellion was my way of being me cuz otherwise i Couldnt be me..
Narcissists definitely put their emotions in a box. As an adult, I would beg my mother to go to therapy to help heal her early childhood abuse and trauma, she would tell me she would almost cry and in a child's voice say, "I put all those things in a box long ago and set them on a shelf." (and I'm fairly certain she's is capable of unintentional murder if you anger her sufficiently, so don't feel too sorry for her) She's a human "doing" because she's incapable of "being" anything, and her own mother was a far more wretched human being than she.
My mom didn’t come to my college graduation …she skipped all the parent stuff because she was planning a part “for” me …chicken bbq ribs …. Salad with tomato ….no fried fish….oh I forgot to say I have been a pescatarian since I was age 9 …I’m allergic to fresh tomatoes……. I had no desire to come …I showed up and of course she was the victim …. I said to my God sister “this party isn’t for me …she planned specifically for all the parent stuff”
Told my mom to give me some grace for having a child and not being able to do what she wants me to do anymore and she responded with “give me some grace for my mom dying!” Her mom died 2 years ago at this point… made it all about herself. I thought.. atleast you had a loving mom!! Sheesh
Idk what was wrong with my mom but I knew there was something ….so all of her secret mental abuse I pushed out I proved to myself I was NONE of the horrible things she said to me ….i have no memory of my childhood ….NONE…..except a few whippings … I remember getting hit because she had a bad day ….times I “earned a whipping”
I disagree with your assessment on BPD vs Narcissism. While I agree Borderline is a disorder, I think Narcissism is more of a condition than a disorder and it is instilled in us as children as opposed to being a chemical imbalance in the brain. I do enjoy your vids and find you to be very much on the mark with regards to what you share with us concerning the conditions mind you. So thanks for making the efforts you do, they are appreciated. I was married to woman with BPD for 25 years and I myself was accused of being a narc which was a complete misdiagnoses as I had nothing but empathy for her conditon and did my best to raise our 4 children as a Mr. Mom for much of the time. BPD is a condition that fluctuates so there were many years where she would be fine and then other years where she could not function normally and would have to be hospitalized. It is a rollercoaster of a ride that I would not wish on my worst enemy but I'm still very happy that I have the 4, now adult children. I only share this information in hopes that it may, in some way, help others that are going through much the same as I did. Good luck to you all.
@@DrKimSage thanks for clarifying- was confused. Also thanks for your work, supporting those of us enduring a living hell, invisible to most people. A lifeline for people like me, being tortured in plain sight.
I remember my therapist mentioned in session that I was lovable just because I exist. I was shocked that was a thing. So sad.
I had the same situation.
I say it to my students all the time but can’t with myself --in the process the last few months to pull off the bandage and see the truth of my mother ! So painful ! 👀
I still don't understand how that works, I feel like I have to earn love from people.
❤
Me too
fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, hypertension tension, hyper vigilance. the stress is astounding
Signs someone was raised by narcissists aka the invisible chains that a child raised by a narcissist must break in order to be a whole person.
yes! thank you for sharing:). trying to be whole is not so easy in many childhoods...
How are you doing?
I'm so confused and struggling to break free
No kidding! I always felt, as an adult, that she was sitting there on my shoulder just waiting to disapprove of anything I'd do in my life or criticize or lecture me. At least that feeling finally went away. I always think of the Russian tanks rolling into Czechoslovakia in the summer of 1968 or Tienamen Square and the tanks (or those driving them) would just as soon roll over you (me) as look at you (me). Like I was nothing - a complete voiding or destruction of who I am so that my mother could sort of reincarnate herself into my body and take over. To negate someone that you're supposed to love and nurture is horrible.
The worst is when things the narcissistic parent said to you as a child stick in your brain and drive you to sabotage good relationships you've built with others. How does a person get rid of that voice?
"Repeated disregard for you as a human being." Wow! That was my experience living with a birth mother who was an sexaddict, alcoholic and a rageful covert Narcissist. You know your stuff Dr Sage.
I realized my mom had something wrong emotionally and tried to discuss it with my father when I was just coming into my adolescent years. He stifled any conversation, I now realize she had borderline/depression or cptsd. It helps more than I could have imagined to find this site.
it felt like you were describing me 100%. This is my final confirmation that I was raised by a narcissist. My mind still wants to protect my caregiver and just say that she had some mental health issues and it wasn't her fault. But I think if we want to grow up we have to finally admit how it was and stop trying to protect the parent...I still want to protect her though..but I have to start standing up for myself and validating my experiences as a child and the resulting difficulties as an adult.
I struggle with the issue you describe. I want to save my mom so much. It may be why I can't heal. I do not find that many people in our situation struggle with this. So I was surprised by your post. Thank you for sharing it.
Exactly, we have to be fair to them and especially ourselves too. Take care☝🏽🌌💖💫
This is exactly how I feel.
I too had felt the need to keep being abused by my Narcissistic "caregiver ",however I had to rethink every traumatic thing that has happened to me since birth and finally into my mid 20's I found my strength. I did gi no contact with her in 2019 but felt a bit guilty but still kept my distance. Sent her flowers on Mothers day even though I wasn't speaking to her and she calls me in July to thank me🙄.Tried to rebuild a relationship because our "family" is full of dysfunction and she is always in denial about that.I tried again to make amends back in 2021 and she tried to be very sneaky and tried to stir up something, so from then on I went NC for good and don't feel bad because I'm tired of the same old results so I decided to break cycles because I'm raising my own child. So you have to Live for you🎯
The same like me. Now I am sure and so sorry.
My mum snatched my degree out of my hand, she told me my wedding wasn't about me, and she's even told me she wants to write a pregnancy diary now I'm pregnant. I was the 2 year old who played alone, I've never felt safe to show emotion, and I've never felt loved by her. I'm just bragging rights for her.
Run honey, run and don't look back.... find your peace, find your joy, sometimes you just gotta let toxic people go - it doesn't mean you don't love them and wish the best for them, it just means that they are poisonous to you, and you can't be in their sphere. Many prayers.
This is why i don't remember my childhood much. Now I get it. Thanks.
My father was a narcissist. My mother his hostage. My father would abuse my mother if I ever expressed any type of negative emotion. At a very young age I learned to be quiet and never express sadness, anger, frustration, wants or needs... At 45 I broke down, ended up in debt, lost my job and now feel I am utterly worthless and that it is best for me to just end it. I feel like I have a giant sticker on my forehead that reads "inadequate".
You are not worthless. You are precious. You are just healing. Hang in there ❤
I feel exactly the same... 😔
I’m so sorry. I feel the same- like an incompetent, worthless child. I’m just a burden, and there’s no reason for my existence. I don’t know why I’m here. I’m just killing time.
We are more than the materialistic things . We are worthy , capable , humane & much more . We hold the greatest abilities of all , to be able to feel and express our emotions . 🩵
I understand. I hope you are doing better now. You can recover from being raised by narcissists.
During a mental breakdown I told my mother that I felt like she treated me like a dog on a leash and she gave me a silent dead-eyed smirk.
I told mine something like am I poop?! Which she deflected like I said poop to her, so I instantly felt bad, like I name called her. It didn't make any sense then. Still doesn't, but now I can see, she made me feel like sh.. This has been years ago, now five years no contact while I try to figure stuff out on my own, as usual. I recently moved, slept three nights, I saw a mouse... Now I went back yesterday, as I went to bed a few minutes later heard a jumping noise and then suddenly sounded like surround sound, like there were three. So I abandoned my new place just as I self abandon. Trauma therapy starts within two weeks, I can't trust my reality. Now I'll press play and watch this video. So, how have you been holding up the past three weeks?
@@bbdn5123 you found a place of your own? Thankfully I’d made a friend the year my mom kicked me out and he took me in to live with his family. I don’t know how to find a good therapist and my insurance isn’t great it may not cover any trauma therapy. I don’t miss her but I don’t know how to properly take care of myself. How is life treating you? Did she always treat you that way?
@@bbdn5123 reality confuses me. My work feels turned upside down and I can’t trust anyone. Seems like people are just more trouble.
I remember that Smirk. It's only silent for a short time until they fabricate a new topic to degrade you with.
Wow I can relate, had me crying out anger because she wasn't trying to understand where I was coming from.When I looked at her she was emotionless, just looking at me like oh well🤯I wanted to lunge at her like a lion and tear her up but I had to have my (next Narcissistic sister) calm me down but once I saw how she reacted I knew that she's not for me.
I was raised by narcissists. I just got out of a narcissistic friendship. I didn't realize how much power she had over me. I feel exposed and hurt.
No one in my family understands the truth of my narcissist verbally abusive mother. Before she died the nicest thing I remember that she ever said to me was that I like to spend money and that I needed to marry rich. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was seven and died when I was fourteen. Parents also gaslighted us about her sickness among everything else. The adults in-charge were more like headless chickens with the added weekly domestic violence, door slamming and lamps hurling across the room. My therapist said, "You went through a lot. A LOT." My response, "I did????" Oh I'm definitely a colorful butterfly with some wing damage and proportional reality distortions.
You videos are helping me a lot thank you.
I relate to the, “I did?”
This explains why I have very few memories of my childhood. One of the phrases ingrained in my brain is "It's better to be seen than heard."
This video is my childhood explained to a T.
WOW...
When I realized my mother was a narcissist, I finally was able to come to terms with how she treated me and how she saw me. She didn't see me. I didn't exist for her. That was a huge revelation for me. It enabled me to finally be who I really was and I eventually stopped having a relationship with her because she wasn't willing to accept who I was and I was no longer willing to pretend.
It's an eye opener to realize someone who should know you doesn't even see you. At all. Heartbreaking. But hearts heal 😘
I don't know if my mom is narcissistic, like the disorder, but she did a lot of things that don't make sense. I remember I was in a daily program for mental illness, and my mom came to every session/class with me that she was allowed to. She started talking about me with smiles and grand gestures, talking about my puberty and when I got my period and stuff that I was humiliated about. She was the only parent there. I relate to this video a lot.
That's horrible!! 😞
This is the most accurate description of my life that I've ever heard. And yes, I was raised by a narcissistic mother and it still feels very disloyal to say that, as loyalty ia one of my own personality traits. I have never even grieved for her when she died, and that feels weird and rather disloyal, too. I do grieve for the relationship we could have had. She may have loved me? But I never felt as though she liked me. She was critical and controlling her entire life. What has been confusing is that she was actually a great mom in so many ways and worked so hard I called her martyr mom. But there was little emotional support or empathy from her ever. I never felt heard. And I don't think I ever heard her apologize for anything. And as Dr. Kim mentioned, I have several chronic diseases/health issues. I could write on and on, but this video so closely mirrored my experience, I just wanted to say "thanks" and that it feels good that someone understands. Are there any videos that are really helpful in how to overcome a lifetime of these issues (once and for all???)? I'm so tired of dealing with these things. I've forgiven and worked hard to get clear of all these experiences and sometimes feel that I'm pretty much there. Then something/s will come up and the memories and feelings regurgitate themselves back into my life and consciousness. Perhaps it's so that there are further opportunities to deal with them and recover more fully. I don't know.
I can absolutely relate to this.
As someone who was raised by a narcissistic mother and a dismissive avoidant father, your first point strikes a chord, though it's also the case that reality at a wider level doesn't really care about us. It simply offers us the opportunity to make ourselves happy or miserable from moment to moment. We must constantly choose one or the other. Your life is the sum total of what you choose in each moment. You have to construct your own meaning in life, and you have to seek out the people who can attune to you and accept you for your authentic self. You may have to do a lot of work inside to accept the existential truths of reality but still face the world with a loving heart. As Schopheneur argued, we are like prisoners living inside an open prison for our minds. Our choice is whether we are going to assist our fellow prisoners or whether we are going to be one of the prison guards.
narcissit are demons in human form and the soon people wake up to that reality the better
I was convinced I was a bitchy, rotten, mean person who could fight with people all the time, I didn’t realize until I started socializing outside my home that I’m actually a very kind, non confrontational, peace loving, and even shy person. I was always so surprised when people would tell me how nice I was, I didn’t believe it until I heard it so many times over the years.
My narcissistic parent didn’t believe me when I told her my cousin twice my age was sexually assaulting me. Because of this I was kicked out
when I got kicked out I got into a very traumatic car accident she still didn’t have much sympathy after the car accident she put all of my stuff in trash bags outside and my stuff was destroyed I’m still dealing with the trauma because it’s so recent but I can say I hate this women with all of my heart and I hate feeling like that about my own parent
I have no words, just feels. As I feel deeply with you. Thank you for sharing, I think you're very brave and strong. Don't let it take you down. I'm glad you came here looking for knowledge instead. Take care, always. You're very precious, wish I could make all the pain, hurt and anger go away. And if you'd let me, I'd give you the warmest embrace, I hope you feel it in your heart and soul ☝🏽🌌💖💫
Keep asking for what you want.❤
I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better. You are precious, and they had no right to treat you that way. I absolutely detest my disgusting mother as well. She ruined my life. I don’t understand why innocent, sweet babies are born to these monsters. It’s incomprehensible. I wish you the very best. May you heal and have a healthy, peaceful, safe life. Take care 💜💫
You did not deserve any of that. Her abuse is about her, trying to put her self hatred into you, but it is not yours.
When I watch your videos I think to myself that is how everyone is. Then realize not everyone is like that, but I am.
Jesus christ you just explained my entire existence....thank you
You are welcome! I know it's so hard to explore, but I also believe we need to talk more about how we end up this way:). You aren't alone!
#metoo
@@blurglide me too
me too
Me too.
This was so validating. I knew that these signs were under the umbrella of trauma, but to hear them so specifically related to being raised by a narcissist, is eye opening. I remember feeling these as young as 3. Having access to those memories is very new to me, and I believe only as a result of MDMA/psychedelic therapy. I have suspected for approximately 6 months that my stepmother was/is a narcissist. But after watching this video, that now extends to include my mother as well. Thank you for this post. I truly appreciate your videos :)
Ya this checks off all the boxes. I had a therapist who told me my mom was a narcissist who practiced 'reverse parenting'. She did not explain it, so I had no idea what that was. Wish I had someone like you as a therapist!
Wow!! 100% my life. I never knew why!! I can't believe that I've lived this way my whole life thinking this was something wrong with me!! (Which I guess it is but at least now I know why!!!)
Gosh you really managed to sum up my world. Between a Alcoholic narcissist and a covert narcissist who is always the victim you are very spot on with how my emotions are and people pleasing has been. Very low self esteem that I have managed to re build over time. It makes sense. Thank you for your videos. ❤
Loved it....we are "HumanBEINGS and not HumanDOINGS" 🥂🌻
thank you!!
this is the best description I have found on the internet anywhere. I can't for the life of me figure out why there are so few views here - it makes me wonder about the pop-understanding of these issues where people aren't comfortable with the real symptoms, they just want to hear things like "how to trick the narcissist" or whatever. Or do they want to watch things that will place them in this unfortunate, painful demographic for whatever reason, but since this is so accurate abd nuanced that they find themselves no longer qualifying?
I think my mom has a mix between BPD and narcissistic, i always do everything wrong, but we looked like the perfect family, look pretty and well dress, super clean house, and my dad def more narcissistic, getting a B was like murdering someone, working hard was never enough i was a simple employee, and i have BPD and anxious attachment style and of course when I'm at school or work i overwork, feel better if I'm number one but also i end up having panic attacks
Definitely look into types of narcissists and specifically covert and high functioning narcissism, if you haven’t already done so.
Narcissism can appear and manifest in many ways and they can appear very functional and capable other than their relationships with any supply.
Another great video, Dr. Sage! Would you considering doing a video on how NPD and BPD can co-exist in an individual and how that plays out? Thank you!
Yes I will Laurie! Thank you!!
@@DrKimSage I’d love to see a video about being raised by a parent who is a narcissistic sociopath.
Or, a video about the weird world of being raised with 1 narc parent and 1 normal parent who, while at times passively enabling, refused to actively enable the narc parent and/or even stood up to them.
Thank you for all you do 💜
@@DrKimSage , yes, PLEASE do this one, especially in regards to how that would manifest in a primary caregiver, and the way it would affect their children (including their adult children).
Your content is so well put together. Really great Dr Kim. Thank you
Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling and why. Watching you talk, almost makes me want to get therapy. I still don't trust therapists enough to get therapy because one violated that trust, but at least I felt someone understood.
Thank you for doing this series, especially this video. I think it's almost easier to see outwardly how someone might be a certain way, but it is sometimes hard to idenify how it effects yourself.
Several things stood out to me:
1.) I think mine might be boarderline..sometimes it's great, sometimes it's crap!
2.) Using words like: "I think ." (or the "Not sure".)
Then I remember that whenever I start with a "I think" statement, I get questioned ..."You Think?! or "Do you know?"
I feel like saying "I think" should be enough and why should it be wrong to say something because I'm afraid of being too assertive and not fully knowing what I think I know? I guess it feels like it gives me a way to keep things open so I'm not shut down.
3.) My value as a person is the ""Doing" and I don't feel like I'm enough sometimes.
I've mentally put myself down more times than I can count too. I think this is why I feel really depressed, especially after a lecture. Atl least it feels more like a lecture. Saying something like "You should..." or "Make sure you..." Rarely do I get a complement and most of the time it's because my Mom, siblilngs, or someone else has mentioned it.
4.) I remember getting repremanded at my first job and while it was still my fault for not telling my coworker that I was helping an aide, I remember crying hard and being scared of loosing my job. Luckily it was my only big warning and I was able to make it through the duration of what I needed to do. Still, it was pretty traumatizing at the time and probably would still be.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I'm not sure you covered this in the video, but another thing I noticed was one time, I was starting to tell about my physical disability to a small group Church class that my Mom and I were attending and somewhere in my explaination, my Mom interupts me and finishing telling about my physical disability. I just let her keep talking and desided to stop talking. It was only a few minutes, but looking back, it did seem odd.
You can now choose to speak for yourself in light of that memory. Keep building on that and may the good Lord bless and keep you.
I always wanted my children to surpass any success I've had in life. My accomplishments were always downplayed by my mother. I was the type to always strive for high standards in school and work. I understand why now. My children have been told I will love you no matter what.
This is so powerful! You described my situation and so many of my lifelong issues that I have struggled with being raised by my parents. Thank you so much for your videos and wisdom.
you are so welcome!!
I suspect my mother never once had an interest in me as a human being. None, she knew absolutely nothing about me . If I did not call her every day she would call me and ask me, where I have been ?and why I had not called? or she could be dead. She loved that one. I could have been dead!~
Same. Obsession without care. Just fuck off
I have so much resentment against my family for being a narcissist to me . I think I’m gonna die with it . I can’t seem to forgive them ever for it
Are you in contact with them? Sending you healing and strength, i know its not easy
Wow…. So much of this hits home. I don’t remember my child hood and I remember having that me act reaction…. I know my childhood was there but I don’t remember much about it. I have done SO much work over the years and I happily have an amazing relationship with my daughter and I’m consciously in her life so the pattern ends with me but it’s interesting to see how many other people have had similar stories. Be the parent you wish you had when you were a child.
Love this. Thanks Dr. Sage. You nailed it. I like the way you explain the concepts & articulate them in a cohesive auditory pleasant fashion. A+
My Narc Mother wouldn't care if I broke both arms and legs!!!! The only thing she cares about is what I'm doing for HER, and my loyalty towards her😢
When i try to kill myself and it only cares about the hospital bills it has to pay. Been there! You are not alone, and you deserve to be here.
This is me. Thank you so much, awareness is the first step to healing. New subscriber. 🇨🇦♥️
I couldn’t make the connection to my mother being a narcissist when describing HER, but I completely relate to everything you described as the effect she had on ME.
I've been watching your videos recently and finally heard my feelings and questions been put into words and explained.
It's been an awakening for me. It's been an emotional release and realisation of so many things. It's also been sad to realise the facts about this disorder and that I have to moarn a childhood I did not experience as a child.
You are absolutely incredible, you are helping me so much with coming to terms with what I've been though. It's unbelievable that you almost know exactly what I've been through without ever meeting me. Thank you so much for your gift and thank you so much for being my gift. May you forever be blessed. This experience has been priceless to me. I am truly grateful 🙏 ❤
To know that a walk on eggshells gives me the inevitable, alongside therapy, makes it all the more clear that I must with both. Because where it matters being mentally and emotionally have I accepted years later that come to find out was it never there. Stings, but this is about me now--as it's grown tiresome being that verbal punching bag and the sudden strengths of grief. .
Wow...is all I can say. This explains SO much. Thank you for posting this. I'm so glad I found your channel
This is absolutely spot on 😔
Sooo can anyone direct me to where I can buy the magic pills to make me functional? Cos I'm very very tired of being like this. Been doing therapy for many years and now I'm just ready for that magic pill please.
"Eating off of your plates."
Really? My own narc mother would always eat off of my and other relatives' plates. I didn't know it was a narc thing, although it would get on my nerves, and my mother DOES disregard boundaries of others in the family and my boundaries. 😔
My mother was so disappointed that I fell down some in a restaurant and badly sprained my ankle before she had a chance to shop, that I gamely tried to limp around for her sake. She told me I had to toughen up.
This the most accurate description of myself. I was raised by a patological narcissist (overt) with a lot of BPD traits and ASPD traits and ADHD. I'm just happy to don't have any mental disorder, a part from having ADHD and histironics traits. Honestly, I wish I was born in a functional family rather one who is highly dysfunctional.
Could you do a video on difference between someone who has avoidant attachment vs someone who is narcissistic? My father i believe was has both. Now im married & i feel i married someone similar. Being an HSP this has been a very painful life journey trying to process & protect myself.
I have Hashimoto's disease. I had no voice as a child & now my thyroid is acting out....lol. Don't worry, I am medicated & have a great therapist.
I have lupus, caused by my abusive family
Wow- this is just so amazing to finally understand who I became and how I can move forward. I’m just realizing my mom had many narcissistic traits, I recently just unpacked the abandonment issues due to not knowing my father, whom my mother has always refused to tell me or anyone else his identity. So is it that he abandoned me or that my mother never told him that I exist so that I could be who she wanted or to fit into her own self-image? What a puzzle.
my first ever relationship was with a narcissist. we dated for 4.5 years. he grew up in the middle east in a very toxic home and in a conservative country. since leaving him, i’ve been constantly cycling through intense feelings of rage and shame now that i’m finally processing all of the emotional and psychological abuse i endured in therapy and through rumination. watching this video was very interesting for me.
i will say, it was very validating (and a little spooky!) to hear each and every sentence match him exactly. but Dr Sage also explains in such a relational way that i also found myself feeling ashamed and guilty for choosing to remain angry and unforgiving towards him - because what a truly abhorrent childhood he must have suffered to turn out the way he did. what kind of pain, trauma, what kind of deep dysfunction was he subjected to as an innocent child for him to grow to be so unstable? how many times did he cry for mommy and daddy and remain unheard? how many sleepless nights did he have wishing for peace? how many tears did he cry into his pillows when he was alone? how many times did he hurt and not tell a soul? i feel very deeply for that child, i hurt as one in many similar ways. i battle very complex emotions on whether i am justified in my hatred with him. that he didn’t choose to grow up in such a toxic environment. but it’s still no excuse to treat people like complete garbage.
the empath’s dilemma is lifelong 😪
anyways, thank you for this. while some days i would wish nothing but misery and revenge on him for how he ruined and treated me, at the same time i’d much rather hope that he changes and gets to live a peaceful, fulfilling life as a good parent/father, not only for his own sake, but for the sake of any loved ones.
it’s really such a shame. getting stuck with and raised by a bad parent(s) is truly a tragedy. i just have to wonder why some people emerge kind, empathetic, and compassionate and why others turn out disrespectful, insecure, and manipulative… it’s quite strange
So how do we move on and heal? I recognize a lot of these patterns in myself, my mom was a vulnerable narcissist and I just realized that. Im in therapy, but its not helping
This so accurately describes me, it's scary. What type of therapy and therapist do you recommend and is there anything one can do individually to work past theses issues? I am 50 and issues with my father continue to affect me. I don't want it to keep hurting my relationship with my husband and kids.
Yup - pretty much me to a T. The real question is how do you change when it’s clear these issues are so deep and seem so exhausting to ‘fix’? At late 40s it really doesn’t see worth trying to do.
This resonated with me.
My sister recommended me your channel. Loving it so far, very enlightening and validating. Would you please speak on parentification?
Thank you for sharing and watching - yes, I will!!
Narcissists can create Narcissists. Basically. Or a codependent
Or DA
I dont know if my mom was a narcist. Im 55 now but i stil feel like i have to hide for every body. I think im not worth anything. My mom pushen me out of her live and out of all my family life. I trust anybody anymore. My mom was a cold person. She never said i was a good person she said a was a bad person i Just was pritty. I still have flashbacks of my jong age. I think i 'm maybe a narcist. I have been in therapie for over 30 years. I they said i have bps. But i had a accident when i was 3 and had a braindamage. I think i have had problems whit this all my life. She never went to therapie and it was always the others fold. I get confused of this. Is it me who is the narcist or am i the narcist? I dont see any bode of my family anymore even not my Kids because i think my mom influence them. I was a single mom and my mom was the 2e care taker if i couldnt handle it anymore. I do have problems with emotions i was to emotional as kid couldnt be happy or sad it was always bad in her eyes. Now i think i was the narcist. But i would never say to my kid i have done every thing to get you out of my life. Im so sad i often wake up crying or go to sleep crying. I.m always alone. Because im think im not worthy of loving or im a bad person friend mother etc. So i want to hide. But innerself i want ppl around me. I dont want to be alone all the time. I need time alone i know that to because i get tired if im to busy. Also i think i always say the wrong things i overthink a lot. Everytime if im in contact with a person i think i said something wrong or did something wrong. What is wrong with me. Am i a bad person? Am i the 1 who is nuts and do not deserve friend or ppl around me? Is it better for everybody to stay away from me? I think they can better stay away because im an emotional person. And always say the wrong things. I wish i was never born and cant wait to go to sleep for ever and go to the lord or to peace. My life was a living hell. And i miss my Kids so much. I thought i was a bad mother because my mom said so. I made a lot of mistakes. I know that. I think im selfaware. And i miss this in my mom. She never said sorry to me. She never fought for me. She let me be abused and i was the lyer while i know she lied so much. She even learned my Kids to lie to me. I dont know anymore. I Just know that im still struggling in life and cry a lot. I do realise i talk a lot in the i form but thats because i dont dont want to fill things in for how others think or feel. Am i the narcist? Am i a Child of a narcist? I realy dont know anymore. I know i was very late to evolve. I still am not that evolved yet if i hear or see other ppl. I think i got stuck in my young Child mind after the accident and never grown up as a adult in my brain. Does this sound crazy?
In my own mind same stuff goes around. I think and feel I'm crazy, thinking something is wrong with me. My counselor said nothing is wrong with me, I just endured and suffered situations, a bad series of them-like never ending. Stuff that happened or has been said says more about the other person, then about us/yourself. That's what I've been told. I hope in some way it helps you. Take care, always ☝🏽🌌💖💫
EVERYTHING you said is true for me😢
Yeah, My birth mother was an explosive rageful covert narcissist for the first 20 years. Glad she is not in my life anymore.
I was raised by a narcissist from 14 on after my parents died. I cut out my narcissist 6 years ago. I'm having a hard time differentiating between trauma after narcissistic abuse and CPTSD. Is CPTSD common after narcissistic abuse? These traits sound similar to CPTSD.
Yes, CPTSD is often the result of narcissist abuse.
Excellent video! Thank you.
I feel like this kind of trauma narcissistic parents and cultures bring is surprisingly seen in this documentary film about North Korea 'Under the Sun'. I mean felt, on an irrational level. I was really crying in the end, because it reminded me of that intergenerational trauma me and my maternal family has because of my narcissistic grandma. It was all shown on a story and in the eyes of this one privelleved North Korean girl who is supposed to constantly lie about her everyday life and perform everything for documentary filmmakers. That movie had a really powerful impact on me.
My grandma is the literal Kim Jong-Un, that's what it felt like!
I have a few memories but only one with my mother and it was a trauma to me. I never saw my two younger siblings. No memory of ever playing with them. I had to stay outside. Played by myself except a few times with older brothers. We lived in the country in the 50's my mother was a party girl and from accounts by my uncle's and grandparents and older brother she hated it and did everything she could to destroy my dad. He had severe PTSD from world war two and we didn't even know what it was back then. I think they called it she'll shock. He ended up drinking more and more and fights between parents until one day when I was nine we all stood at the bedroom window watching our mother get in a car drive away and didn't see for five years. She never missed a beat in he actions. Only got worse because we were all older and she couldn't control. Hell
This video made me feel "seen" for maybe the first time ever in 37 years.
Great topic. 🤔Why is the transcript in Dutch and can't be changed?🙄🤓
My father was definitely was a narcissist
I really can't believe i survived living this ..
Your assessment is very accurate.
I watched your other video about raised by a mother with bpd and I thought that was it for me… until I watched this. Literally everything… my bio mom is a narcissist
When planning my babyshower, my mom told it, it wasnt all about me. 🤦🏼♀️ um, okay i guess. You get so numb to not mattering and when youre not numb, you hurt a lot.
Such wisdom. Thank you.🤍
I am new to this channel; BTW a new subscriber. I am not sure if this could be addressed by Dr Sage or not, but here is my question. I often wonder about the role of social values and pressures at a given time and their reflection on the parenting style, the role of the proverbial "mother," and so on. Dr. Sage is talking about the traumas of our parents and our own. Is the fact that you or I feel traumatized a function of what is perceived as trauma by society at a given time?
Very confusing because I'm so proud of him too
As a kid I was worried that my parents would die and leave me to the point when they took a nap I made sure they were breathing, which is odd because when they were awake and alive it was hell.
I wish they would come up with another term than BORDERLINE. I have never been anywhere near psychotic. And as a 60 year old who is just now uncovering why my life has been so difficult in the last 10 years (thank you internet), I believe this is largely environment. This is a vicious cycle in how kids are parented. My parents did it to me, theirs' did it to them, and so on and so on. It is normalized because that's what my parents did, etc. So we don't make the connections until we look back. Siblings split up, one raised by Mom, the other raised by Dad (like pets) will reveal ALOT in behaviors. I remember feeling like "property". SO dominated by my narc father's demands and abuse. I feel like I am a puzzle, the pieces got lost and are now found, and I am now trying to put it together without the bigger picture (the picture on the box lid) so I don't know WHAT anything really is. So I daydream ALOT. I also don't love the label disassociate. It's daydreaming and its a protection mechanism.
I'm really glad you're acknowledging the biological aspects of npd have not yet been fully understood.
Both parents beings npd was very hard.
Sadism
Cruelty
Verbal/emotional abuse
Neglect
Parentalization
Rageful explosion
Performative rage
Crazy self-pity in the npd
Blame
No accountability for the npd
Physical abuse
Auditory abuse-constant screaming
What is going on when you succeed in showing a parent you can succeed, but they try to negate and find a way to invalidate it?
I ticked ALL the boxes...
After my Mother causes drama, she said said pics from your party! I just block her when she starts drama!
Hmm. I have many of these signs, but I wasn't raised by a narcissist. Sure, she's damaged, but a very loving well-intentioned parent.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
@@KAT-dg6el ha! Yes yes, now on my way to hell I suppose.
He didn't cheat, lie or steal. An honorable man
I remember coming home from school wanting to tell my mom about something about my day and id be all full of joy and she would ignore me and id say mom guess what mom mom mom guess what as she would reply Jessica im ignoring you if you havent noticed..i struggle with feeling not heard seen so rebellion was my way of being me cuz otherwise i Couldnt be me..
No one. Loved Me , and No one gave me permission to
Love them,,,,, so I decided I'd Love Myself,,,,,,am I really a Narcissist ?
Narcissists definitely put their emotions in a box. As an adult, I would beg my mother to go to therapy to help heal her early childhood abuse and trauma, she would tell me she would almost cry and in a child's voice say, "I put all those things in a box long ago and set them on a shelf." (and I'm fairly certain she's is capable of unintentional murder if you anger her sufficiently, so don't feel too sorry for her)
She's a human "doing" because she's incapable of "being" anything, and her own mother was a far more wretched human being than she.
My mom didn’t come to my college graduation …she skipped all the parent stuff because she was planning a part “for” me …chicken bbq ribs …. Salad with tomato ….no fried fish….oh I forgot to say I have been a pescatarian since I was age 9 …I’m allergic to fresh tomatoes……. I had no desire to come …I showed up and of course she was the victim …. I said to my God sister “this party isn’t for me …she planned specifically for all the parent stuff”
Told my mom to give me some grace for having a child and not being able to do what she wants me to do anymore and she responded with “give me some grace for my mom dying!” Her mom died 2 years ago at this point… made it all about herself. I thought.. atleast you had a loving mom!! Sheesh
Idk what was wrong with my mom but I knew there was something ….so all of her secret mental abuse I pushed out I proved to myself I was NONE of the horrible things she said to me ….i have no memory of my childhood ….NONE…..except a few whippings … I remember getting hit because she had a bad day ….times I “earned a whipping”
What if you were raised by both ..my mom was one kind my dad the other
Ooh ❤❤❤
The uncontrollable destructive force in my life I need help.
Have you been able to get some help?
@@bbdn5123 thank you for asking I finally got an appointment with the psychologist barely it's in about 20 days
I disagree with your assessment on BPD vs Narcissism. While I agree Borderline is a disorder, I think Narcissism is more of a condition than a disorder and it is instilled in us as children as opposed to being a chemical imbalance in the brain. I do enjoy your vids and find you to be very much on the mark with regards to what you share with us concerning the conditions mind you. So thanks for making the efforts you do, they are appreciated. I was married to woman with BPD for 25 years and I myself was accused of being a narc which was a complete misdiagnoses as I had nothing but empathy for her conditon and did my best to raise our 4 children as a Mr. Mom for much of the time. BPD is a condition that fluctuates so there were many years where she would be fine and then other years where she could not function normally and would have to be hospitalized. It is a rollercoaster of a ride that I would not wish on my worst enemy but I'm still very happy that I have the 4, now adult children. I only share this information in hopes that it may, in some way, help others that are going through much the same as I did. Good luck to you all.
What is 'antisocial borderline'?
Hi:). I probably said it too fast- I meant separately both BPD and Antisocial PD have strong biological connections - (ie nature -not just nurture).
@@DrKimSage thanks for clarifying- was confused. Also thanks for your work, supporting those of us enduring a living hell, invisible to most people. A lifeline for people like me, being tortured in plain sight.
I'm so over her bs!
Thank you. You are helping me to heal alongside my Christian faith.
Nature and nature plus spiritual good and evil ie satan but Jesus has overcome.
He had battle fatigue served on Missouri during WW2
I hate my mom so much. She ruined my life 😭😭😭
is there a "signs you are a narcissist" video?