If Your Partner Or Parent Is A Verbally Abusive Narcissist... WATCH THIS!| Dr. Ramani
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- Опубліковано 9 чер 2024
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On Today's Episode:
It’s hard enough to leave a bad relationship when you’re not seeing eye to eye or you find out you value different things or your partner has cheated on you. It’s even harder leaving when you’re not sure if you’re the problem and you’re questioning if you’re being dramatic and people around you don’t think you should.
Learning how to handle a narcissistic relationship is not only possible, it’s a must if you feel like you can’t leave that relationship at this time for any number of reasons.
Dr. Ramani, clinical psychologist, and narcissist expert, points out that in narcissistic relationships everyday isn’t a bad day and that can make it really hard for people in relationship with them to realize they are trapped and even harder to feel validated in leaving.
Part of the reason it’s so difficult to thrive in a narcissistic relationship is because there is a splitting of your identity in a way that Dr Ramani describes as “you getting rid of yourself” in exchange for whatever peace you can have. You learn over time how to not anger your partner. You realize that anything good for you sets your partner off and causes arguments and the gaslighting begins to make you believe it’s all your fault.
This episode is for the woman that needs hope and a strategy to survive the narcissistic abuse and thrive even if you have to stay a while longer.
Your reason to stay or leave is not for anyone’s approval or disapproval
You can get your strength and validation elsewhere
You can become narcissist resistant and keep your identity
Reasons for staying are not to be shamed, your reasons to stay may be valid, but know with eyes wide open why you’re staying and how to navigate the turmoil to come out of this okay.
QUOTES:
“The vast majority of narcissistic relationships are not violent and it’s important to make that distinction.”
“The thing to remember that is unique to narcissistic abuse is that everyday isn’t bad.”
“The mistake people make, [...] is they come in and they be themselves. Well if your “self” is at odds with what the narcissist wants, they’re going to shut that down.”
“This idea of the narcissistic person as a simple one dimensional cartoon villain is just not real.”
“Part of radical acceptance is being okay with them being set off.”
“I don’t think we talk enough about how difficult parenting is, and instead we criticize parents all the time or we give them the absolutely most ridiculous advice in the world.”
“When you show me something bad that you can do to me, you’ve now shown me what’s in your behavioral repertoire, and the only absolute in psychology is that past behavior predicts future behavior.”
“I really am sorry they have a bad backstory. I hope to heaven they are able to get the help that they need, and what they’re doing to this other person is unacceptable and their backstory is not an excuse. In this moment they are harming someone else, their backstory doesn’t matter.”
“You can be empathic and set a boundary, you can be empathic and protect yourself. You can say, ‘they’ve had a rough life AND their behavior is unacceptable’.”
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WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
could you, at least, make sure you're not braking the question/answer pattern, [22:04] when all those -annoying- adds are dropped in the middle, please?
Yeah, it is so Annoying. But thank you for the great Dr. Ramani being a great guest.
Chill, Essense. Calm your demanding tits
His excuse was: he treated me well, 90 to 95% of the time; I should overlook the small amount of “crap” he chose to dish out! I developed a type of PTSD, never knew when he walked thru the door, which version he would bring. Been apart over 13 years, freedom is so peaceful!!
@@marionunderwood8309 🎉❤
@@WarandFlame ❤
Being with a narcissist is like doing the time for a crime you did not commit.
Interesting.
Oh! Well put.
Did you coin that phrase?
It's gold.
Like having the current "president". It's like what are we being punished for?
I sometimes believe in the afterlife and maybe I did commit a crime before this life and now I am doing my time… I had a narcissistic mom, grew up with abuse and when I finally opened my heart around 21 years old I met another one. Got free around 29 years old and after one year of recovering I met the current one… I don’t know what am I doing wrong… by the way both were covert and pretended they were nice guys with good heart (and they are not manly or handsome at all… because for me I was more interested in their hearts).
I am so idiot… I spent my young years with less than half of man because I was afraid of handsome guys… I ended up with demons.
The sad thing is I truly believe these toxic relationships actually cause chronic illness or exacerbate existing ones. They really do take their toll on a person after years of this kind of chronic narcissistic abuse 😢.
You're right. Listen to Dr Gabor Mate` teach "When the Body Says No in Psychotherapy. You'll see you are more right than you'll ever know.
There's another book; Trauma gets scored in the body. I think Alice Miller has books about it too.
Yes, you are right. They will make you sick sooner or later.
It's true. I literally almost died because of the abuse making me so physically unwell from 20+ years of it all. My body was shutting down... literally
Letters!! You said it!! 😢
Yes,I have to go to bed for at least nine hours at night now,even if I'm not sleeping,I have had PTSD the last discard and I noticed I had started to suffer mind/brain trauma when dealing with them. The pain they cause is a fight to get over.
OK. Here is my story:
I grew up with 2 narcissistic parents. My mother died when I was 14.
My father is a Malignant, abusive narcissist, who married, less than a year after my Mom's death, a nasty Covert Narcissist that egged him on in his verbal and physical abuse of me, and my sister.
I had been the cook, housekeeper, and caretaker of my siblings, from the age of 5, because my Mom was handicapped, and I was the oldest.
This continued when my father remarried.
My father, even though he had been promoted to Full Professor, when he passed his doctorate, on my Mom's death, so suddenly had a large salary, never paid for me or my siblings' education or weddings.
Besides physical abuse he constantly devalued us and gaslighted us.
I started University at age 18, where I had gotten scholarships for my grades and grants that I applied for. I also had saved money from working in summers during High School.
In the summer before my Sophomore year in Nursing School at the University, I realized that I could not maintain the necessary high grade average continuing as the housekeeper, cook, and bottle washer in their house.
My father had sat me down with a fake budget to gaslight me into thinking that I would never be able to support myself, not living in his house.
Thankfully I listened to a college friend who showed me that it would be difficult, but possible.
So, at age 19, I left that house, with continuing guilt about my 3 remaining siblings, got a full time job at a local hospital, and moved into a rented studio apt., with that friend.
We rotated every month, who had the bed, and who had the sofa.
My father would call me, and constantly tell me that I would never make it in Nursing. That I was too sensitive, etc. Also that no man would want me, because my body wasn't sexy enough, and I have a below average IQ.
On my graduation from the University, 5 years instead of 4, in the Honors Society, with a Bachelors Degree in Nursing.
He came up to me, in his Doctoral Robes, and said, "Don't think that you have accomplished anything! Your Stepsister's First Aid certificate, now that is an accomplishment!'
I am currently retired, after 43 years in Nursing, 32 years of which I was a Critical Care Nurse Specialist, and charge of the Cardiac Arrest team. Then I made the change, because of Health reasons, to be a Neonatal Nurse, with a Post Graduate Degree as a Lactation Consultant for the subsequent 11 years.
I immigrated to Israel, 35 years ago. Learned Hebrew, succeeded even more in my profession. Bought a home, sold it after I finished the 28 year mortgage, and am currently living in my dream Condo.
True, I am divorced without the very much wanted children. I tried everything in my power to have children.
But I have many friends who love me, and support me.
It took me until age 34 to go no contact with my father, and only just recently went no contact with my narcissistic sister. I am in contact with my little sister.
I am still healing, at age 66, but it is a process.
I am proud when I look back, and see how far I've come😊
A great accomplishment! You can be proud about yourself!!❤
this gives me hope, i'm 24 still living with my mother but your story made me smile im so glad you got out and are thriving
Very similar for me and have had to keep siblings at a distance because they never understand that I am an individual and not their parent substitute.
First off, your Dad was wrong about you and wrong to say such things to you (I'm glad you know this!). Second, you did better than I have. Congrats on making it out and being successful in living the life you want to live!
💜💟😎🥰🥰
It’s not about “Not setting them off”
It’s about that they’re totally unpredictable and that makes it HELL !
You are so right
Yes, there is no way not to set them off. Thay are set off at random whenever htey feel like it but whatever they choose to set them off this time around. And they do pick it at random. You never know when their verbal absue comes around and why. But one things is certain, for mentally stable and healthy people over time it just gets completely boring, makes them yawn and think to themselves that this person has the problme mostly with onself and one's own perception of the world around them. As for me, doesn;t move me anymore. Years of watchng such things makes one completely indifferent. Nowadays bombs could be exploding around me and I would sleep like a baby. People can shout at me madly and maybe it will make me yawn but not much more.
That part
Eggshells and tightrope walking
hahh so true!! fucking capricious behaviour they have.. after 17years in this marriage am in, in the last 1.5years i dont eat anything nice and sweet i get from him. I pretend the smile so he doesnt get upset that i dont react nice and as he turns around my smile falls off. I never know when the monster comes out of him for no reason so i dont give any honest smiles and affection anymore. enough is enough.. i feel i dont even have emotjins anymore, and that i cant love anymore at all.. all the man i look at i look through them, i dont care if they show interest in me, i dont believe in qny of these. none. I remain cold reserved and very very very extremely observant of every little smile word gesture everything. Ive trusted my parents my siblings with a great amount of love and they all betrayed this trust.. ive realized this at the age of 41 and about my sister at the age of 42-43. it took me a long time tho but now i see very clear. nobody can push me down, tell me ugly words wrapped in innocent looking sentences, and playing games where the aim is that i get lower down so they can feel better about themselves. Enough is enough. the good thing is i dont have kids so i didnt continue the abuse for a next generation.
“In a narcissistic relationship you are not allowed to be yourself.” This statement is accurate. Narcissists want you to be a silent mute with no thoughts, opinions, or emotions.
They love to invalidate you and when you seek help or understanding for this disorder they criticize you.
I demanded to be myself and still do. It's a catch 22. When they can't control every aspect of you, they try to destroy you from the inside out. The ironic things is that if you allow them to control you destruction is immiate too. So staying away from them is really the only way to manage narcs. They try to instuct you on what to set your temperatrue on, dishsoap to buy, how hot your hot water should be, vacation destinations, what you feed your baby, where you shotp,and even the TV shows you watch. They are the only higher right.
Oh, but their life is a mess.
💯
I had a mental breakdown at the end of my relationship. I was begging for relationship counseling for years, and then, just counseling for myself. When he refused to speak to me he told all my friends, family, and his family he's been trying to get me into a counselor for years. I thought I was insane, I went through years of old messages, he just kept saying there is nothing wrong I don't need it. I don't know why someone would lie like that, he is a monster.
That is very true. I'm going through a divorce with a narcissistic spouse and only to be in another relationship that i am going to end. This partner is has said disrespectful things to me and when I bring it up he wants me to be silent about his actions. When he finally apologize he said that I also needs him to apologize(only making it know that I wasn't pleased about him calling me the N word). He feels that he knows so much more than me and when I talk he cuts me off only leaving him to speak. I shut down as if I'm a child. He feeds of that opening his eyes at me staring me down where I look away. I do not feel comfortable. He is such a wonderful, sweet, kind and really getting to know him he has a split personality. It is emotionally exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I should just remain single because it's too much to handle.
Or they say you are the one who needs help.
"Someone who loves you would never abuse you."
It is more than two years since I've gone no contact with my dysfunctional family. Sometimes, I am lonely (and I do miss my nieces and nephews), but the lack of drama is refreshing. The most important relationship in your life is with yourself. Nurture yourself and thrive. People who are happy with their lives make better life choices.
Why did the narcissist cross the road? They thought it was a boundary.
Joke of the century!!! 😂😂😂
@Carly Lindon-Forrester Thanks! It made me laugh, and I hoped others would find it funny, too. Laughter, like music, heals.
Funny AND true! 😅
@mike nelson Absolutely! Steal it, share it, make others laugh. ♡
Yes. I understand. I felt the same. I still have moments I miss him. But realize it's not him I miss. But the feelings of being loved.
A 3years old throwing a tantrum and an adult male raging and throwing a tantrum are two completely different experiences. a child's tantrum stresses you out and passes on within the hour. An adult's rage rattles you and it seethes for weeks. The tension remains for weeks and the energy in the house changes until you give in to their demands and pacify them. The experience of constant rage is life-altering even your nervous system feels it long after you've escaped the toxic relationship.
Yup. A lot of them become physically explosive and dangerous. Then there are the threats, they will threaten whatever is most fragile or precious. It's not always just verbal.
I call them faux nervous breakdowns. Get in your car and drive
Exactly.
Somehow, I'd not witnessed one of these in all these years, but then he had one and I suddenly realized I was done.
Well said.
That's true. When no one is around that's when a narcissistic individual goes from 1 to 100. Split personality and saying disrespectful things. Once you call them out on the disrespect they dismiss you instead of apologizing.
Totally TRUE!!
Mine loved an audience.
EXACTLY
It is crucial to surround yourself with other people. Also, do not let the narcissist meet or interact with those people. Keep a private circle of people who know you. Then, when the narcissist tries to attack you there is a group who will see them as an attacker. A narcissist does not want to be seen as socially unacceptable.
Ver-fuckeeeeeeng-batim
People tell me that I should go back to my family, and they say "Blood is Thicker than water!" I say, "You're right! It is! The mess is harder to clean up!"
@@PennyWise-eu9nz I like it.
@PennyWise-eu9nz I liked it so I looked it up. Sources say
"Blood is thicker than water" and its ilk can be traced back to twelfth-century writings, whereas the "blood of the covenant" interpretation is not more than twenty or thirty years old, as far as I can tell (and granted, Wikipedia has helped me greatly in this area).
I think that's rather a shame, actually, as I personally prefer the "blood of the covenant" interpretation over the more traditional one.
-Charissa.
I agree with this. I like it too.
That is epic
The rest of the blood is thicker than water saying sways away from the fam as well
I believe blood of cov thicker than water of womb I could b wrong tho
I grow up with a narcissistic mother ,the pain the crying she put me through is something I can’t forget ..after growing up I met a Narcissistic partner ..it’s something I don’t wish for no one to pass through ..I didn’t had no one to speak to ,to help me ..but the videos I was watching on UA-cam ..I’m on my healing journey but the memories just come up
💚
Sending you virtual hugs
Me too!
So sorry, but time and positive people will heal you someday.. i am on healing mode right now also and i can feel what you feel too.. and i think you are really great person.. because you are really really strong way much better than me offcourse that you can survive and realize what was happening and can cure your self when you are grown up now.. congrats for your movement and achievement for now..
Just keep going and try to rise above.
My dear friend married a narcissist and i watched her spirit being eradicated day after day over four years. The times she’s cried over him is immeasurable. She lost who she was, this is what the narcissist does. He built her up & knocked her down day in & day out. He alienated her from her friends & family but I wouldn’t let him do that with me. I’ve listened to her & tried to help her understand what was going on without interfering in her marriage. She finally decided she’d had enough when he went on holiday by himself, &she very nervously took the opportunity to change the locks and end the relationship. He tried to screw her over in the divorce court but the judge saw through him. He totally lost control over my friend & that’s what hurt him the most. She is now struggling & working hard to keep afloat but she’s HAPPY. She’s back to the lovely stable person she was before. And she’s thanked me endlessly for standing by her & supporting her. So people, you CAN leave the narcissist. just believe in yourself. 🥰
they are vamipres.. they suck the life blood out of you. that's not even an overstatement, by the time I was dumped by my ex I felt like an empty shell, body sort of alive but my soul absolutely drained. it was almost demonic. he had the devil's head tattoos (I ignored it because I thought ok he just childishly wanted to seem cool), and he called me his little lamb because I so obediently and trustingly followed him. still gives me chills looking back.
Spirit being eradicated. That’s a perfect word choice. Narcissism truly is cruel and deadly. But because it happens slowly and the manipulation is so intense. It’s hard to understand if you’ve never been exposed to it before.
That's the thing that's made me scared to leave (mine is family, not partner) is worrying can I be happy again, can I be strong again.
@@FiatVoluntasTua888Yes, you can be happy without your albatross family. Just do it. The emotional freedom is immeasurable.
You are a bomb ass friend❤
Narcissists may not tend to be physically violent BUT they are deffinetly psychologically VIOLENT !
Especially Covert Narcissists.
This breaks my heart and gives me chills... when the narcissist gets their claws in you, you do start to question who you are, they get in your head and make you feel like something is wrong with you.
My Mom intentionally made me feel that I'm not with anybody loving me. She actually made a comment, that hit me hard. She actually told me, nobody could love me that much. My little daughter was about two years old. She'd cry for me for hours. We spent all day every day together. The two of us. My little girl, I mean. What a horrible, shocking thing to heart after working hard all day. To pick her up and be told that. What a Mom.
@@jill3686 I can't imagine that coming from a mom.. even more heartbreaking! I'm so sorry! You are worth loving! And keep giving lots of love to your baby girl so she never is left feeling that same way.
@@angel201025 thanks. I finally understood why all my life. I couldn't believe my husband loved me.
She's 37 this year. She's turned herself from me. All I can figure is, I was too good to her. She got her PhD. Then left her Christmas presents here. That was 2019. Hasn't been back since. Between teaching and her dog. She never calls. I'll send her messages. I've called. She doesn't answer. But supposedly. She loves me. No cards or anything. She's very picky on the words you use. Complicated girl. Always was. But now that she's a professor. Part of it. Is political and the shot. She didn't like having somebody around her. I had suggested, I come stay with her a couple months. She can't take my more than a week. Even then. She left to visit some guy for hours. I came a good right hours away. If watch a movie or read. She had school work to do. Then is it ok, if I go visit so and so. ? She'd come back hours later. She made herself turn against everything she was taught at home. She used to send me presents, birthday cards etc. When she left, we'd both cry. She never calls to see if I'm doing ok or not. Worst of all, if I'd die. She'd never forgive herself. She said before, she'd be mad if I died. She'd blame her brother. He'd be mad too. I don't know how this happened. They express grief thru madness. I've lost His family and mine. I never once got mad. I was mad at the hospital. When my sister died. Cause she didn't have to. She made her husband promise not to tell me. I thought she had a death wish. Cause she knew, I'd do everything possible to save her. I was sitting in the ticking chair at the hospital. I started pounding the arms on the ticking chair. Her husband, called out to me. And I did stop. I have no use for them anymore. Cause they'd never call me. He never wanted to help me. I've tried to forgive him. I've really tried. But it's hard to forgive that. I guess maybe somewhat. He is weird. His son sticks to him like glue. Or like a little child. He's odd to. The father makes them that way. She didn't used to be this bad. Thanks for lending me an ear. I don't talk to many people anymore . I know people but they never contacted me. Most friends have passed away. I don't think I'm THAT old. I've learned to enjoy my peace and quiet. I had a neighbor friend. But she never thought about me. And my bf and her were exactly alike. She couldn't stand him. They're both whores. That's why I'm done with him . He's a liar and a cheater. I think he wanted to have sex with her. So let them be. Thanks for replying. Hope you're doing better. Hugs
My mom told me if Iwasnt willing to let my malignant sister abuse me, who else would love (abuse) me? I mean, wtf.
It seems almost like they are demons in human forms that feeds on other emotions and suffering.
What you said about losing your own identity is so true. I was married for thirty years to a narcissist who showed never-ending contempt for everything I said and did. Even my own kids, hearing this going on, saw me as defective and were also abusive as teens. I left him after he persisted in adultery and moved to my deceased parents’ home. I remember thinking I could redecorate and coming to the realization that I had forgotten my own tastes, my own opinions, my own likes and dislikes. Over the last twenty years I have rediscovered the real me and it’s been a joy.
So happy you found 'YOU'!
i am still married to a narcissist for 30 years..the statement that he held everything about you in contempt i fully experienced this …thanks ! it’s so healing to share ..
Thank you! I am about to start divorce proceedings after 25 years married to a narcissist. You have desceibed both where I am at and where I hope to be after I have found me again.
Congratulations! Live life to the fullest!🎉
i identifyi
Dr. Ramani, you have no idea how much you are helping people. For YEARS people have suffered this abuse having no idea what was going on or what to do. Thank you so much!
She also proves how little help many psychologists are by her actually addressing things that are hardships in people lives. Many psychologists are almost disconnected from reality and disconnected from what people suffer with or they are politicized and blame men for everything or blame their patients for everything like some cruel and useless preacher.
You got that right. I know something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out. Dr. Ramani turned on the lights. Thank you! In the process of discarding the girlfriend as she abandoned me to go on a girls trip with her narc girlfriend. Talk about synergy. 😮
YES.
Best way to defuse a narcissistic just ignore them because arguing with them isn't going to get them anywhere so I don't entertain there stupidity ignorance or arrogance.😂
I have never felt so heard and validated in my life. A Narcissistic’s favorite place to start a fight is definitely in the car because you are literally stuck with their presence in a moving vehicle. It’s sickening to know how I can look back and know that is where almost all of them started.
This is so true! My elderly extremely malignant father did this recently. We were on the expressway and literally, my car blew up, the engine failed suddenly going 70 mph. I was able to get off safely in spite of no engine working, and lots of traffic. The repair ended up being minor, it was a miracle! Definitely my guardian angel was looking out for me! And there was a witness in the car in the back seat which the narcissist completely forgot about. I was being screamed at, insulted, told me what a horrible person I was. He started an argument at a restaurant, and I got up and said we are leaving. It was a 45-minute drive back. Have been no contact since. I made the mistake of letting this psychopath back in my life after three years of no contact. They do not get better!
Try sitting with one when travelling halfway up the east coast of Australia in a car in silence.
and they talk nonstop over the cellphone like you are not there hahha. I am thinking to refuse him giving me a ride when it is happening again even I need to take public transit to home. Really. I would love my peace of mind more than convenience. I don't need that. I am capable to move around by myself. I just try to please him indeed.
I actually jumped out of the car as we were stopped at a light and ran to the bus stop across the street because of his uncontrollable yelling and screaming.
I used to tell him I never want to be in a car with you again but I didn’t no why. Then I watched videos like this and understand what was going on. The abuse in the car started at 5 months in the relationship! I will not ignore my intuition again.
It’s refreshing to hear a therapist say if you stay know why you’re staying instead of you have to leave.
Yes. I stayed so my boys would be able to learn how to deal with the father they will have to manage living with for life. To learn how home relationships are where we learn how to have healthier relationships and try to break the cycles we enable through our inability to learn, grow, and hopefully gain ways to self regulate...which NPDs do not and can not do. It had made me stronger with my boundaries and greater clarity of my own authentic self. It has been a long road of self care, awareness, acceptance, and accountability of my own perceptions and reactions/responses. Ho'oponopono ❤
I stomp eggshells these days...❤
I will add lol...I've been working on me for over 15 years now...forgiveness n clarity.
No therapist should tell you what to do... only guide your decision
I stay because I am mostly bedridden and sometimes he cares.....
EVERY therapist should be required to watch this episode before practicing and before being licensed.
I whole heartedly agree!
I think it's not enough, though. I am recognizing that only the people who hear this and feel seen, validated, and understood, find this to be revelatory. I think people who haven't experienced these emotions, or toxic environments still hear it and don't "get it." There needs to be this AND maybe some kind of demonstration, or step-by-step psychological examples. maybe even more movies which show how debilitating it can be to live with someone toxic but not physically abusive.
That said, I love Dr. Ramani, and her interactions with Lisa really pull out some glaring truths that I feel other interviewers failed to extract from her expertise.
Yes more movies explaning very well the effects and how toxic narcists actually are and function. I dont ubderstand that there are so many shows and movies but there still isnt a NARCIST movie. Would win an oscar from me though lol
Thrilogy oscar winning movie of the year 2023; The Narcist.
Agreed! Most therapists are nowhere NEAR well enough educated on narcissisism and they end up enabling a narcissist in therapy and if it's couples therapy they completely invalidate the victim because of the narcissists manipulation.
“The fights and arguing happen less often and you think, ‘I’m doing the right thing!’ But what you really did was get rid of yourself”…soooooooo true
Better for me not to engage my mind and mental health are important I can’t be fkd responding to abuse
Yep. I literally became stuck in my head. My voice died.
I get the silent treatment, sulking a lot.
He hates it that I'm strong and don't put up with his BS.
I'm absolutely stuck financially. I gave up my career for his military career. I literally don't have any references and can't even prove where I worked or what kind of employee I was.
There's so much more.
He's coming down the driveway now. Signing off.
Take care everyone ❤️🙏
Hang in there! Also, do research on how to handle your situation. The internet is the best !!
Get some job training. There are free resources. Even temp agencies often provide office skill training to recruit administrative workers. Your house wife work DOES involve marketable skills. Seek job training and a resume specialist who can help you develop an appropriate resume based on the experiences you have.
***Most importantly: YOU HAVE MORE SKILL AND VALUE THAN YOU THINK. He has surely made you feel valueless which is a huge part of making you “stuck”. You have value.
Stay strong.
Unfortunately the military is a breeding ground for these kinds of abusive commandeering narcissists
You never want to tell a narcissist your accomplishments. You want to fill others with joy with something good that has happened to you.
THIS part in particular resonated. When you have stepped back to support a spouse to succeed, become their best but when its your turn their narc personality comes out, never complimenting you, trying to devalue you in front of your kids, downplaying your achievements, NEVER celebrating your achievements, passively aggressively using your shortcomings to try to break you. Rather than trying to build a marriage my narc was recording everything I did/said, recording when I came to bed, if I was on my phone, if I went to visit my mother, DESPITE knowing I was struggling with menopause for 16 years. NEVER saw their flaws with infidelity, emotionally and spiritually connecting with other people. Was NEVER happy when I got promotion/pay rise at work. They were VERY performative with BIG fancy holiday gestures, despite me saying I didn't really want to go on a BIG holiday, then spending most of the time nitpicking at what I wore, how I did my hair, ALWAYS angry and downplaying with others complimented me or highlighted my positives. I didn't really see it at first as I was still caught up in being a supportive partner, wanting them to shine always celebrating their achievements, thinking that when my time to step up an Shine I would receive the same support. When I hit menopause and I was no longer able to bolster their fragile ego their obsessive behaviour became more prevalent. Over our 39 year period they relied heavily on their mother who took a toxic dislike to me from the moment we met, encouraging and enabling their infidelity, encouraging them to have other women, but then playing victim and bad mouthing me to other family members when I decided to set my boundaries with her.
I really didn't notice their lack of support for my personal achievements as I was soooo focused on being the good wife/mother. It was as the kids grew older and others started pointing out that they never ever saw him complimenting me, celebrating my wins that I started paying attention. I had to take several steps back and when I started recoiling from all the wifely things I happily and lovingly did, I when the narcissism REALLY became evident for me. Imagine being in a marriage and constantly saying "Oh I don't NEED anyone", and self isolating then complaining about loneliness and lack of true love and rather than focusing on building a strong marriage, becoming obsessed with building a case by recording my every move, being an antagonist to provoke a reaction then recording it. I really started noticing when I saw this individual having a similar issue with almost everyone they came into contact with, me our children, family members, friends, work colleagues even other drivers on the road, customers in the shops. It was a REAL eye opener. An attitude of NEVER being wrong, never making a mistake, ALWAYS knowing EVERYTHING - THAT's when I had a lightbulb moment. I realised there and then that the saying Love is Blind was really true. Thankfully I'm on a journey to rediscovering myself, returning to the things that brought me to life and NEVER looking back.
Turns out he was self sabotaging our marriage, trying to sabotage my relationship with our kids based on his abandonment issues with his mother. It also explains her toxic behaviour towards me as she could not deal with the fact that I was bringing him the Peace and Support she never and that I ad stood by him no matter what he went through or irrespective of whatever she tried to do. Everytime him and her reconnected there would be instant conflict in our marriage as he would visit and then bring her toxicity back into our home/marriage/life. When I FINALLY made the connection was when I set my boundaries with her and just removed myself. Sadly she is now at the end stage of her life, they have reconnected but I see the resentment he has towards caring for her everytime he goes to see her.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for noting that people who cannot get out of toxic relationships because they are disabled and cannot financially survive without a relationship they'd rather not have should not be ashamed. We have to deal with our situation with as much dignity as possible, but it does not feel good. It would take a tremendously strong person to be healthy and happy under such circumstances. If you have to deal with a narcissist, it's tough. They will never let up, and you have to always work at your boundaries and defenses. I promise you no-one wants to live that way.
If that is your situation, I am very sorry and I wish you strength and a solution to come to you. ♥
I'm building a life with them, but building a separate life too. A refuge life I escape to. We had very similar upbringings, so I have a lot of empathy and understanding of what made him, but always boundaries I've learned not to let him cross anymore. He pushes, but now I push back.
I was in exactly this. Until he found something "better" well...... Younger and left me. I became homeless and was for over two and a half years. I'm disabled and live on a fixed income. It was a literal nightmare. I was in a homeless shelter for almost a year during my homelessness and that was..... So very difficult. But I'm ultimately happy that I didn't default into that relationship like I normally would have and lost myself entirely, again.
How to live ? Before marriage I was clear in living my life now with whom I can really and be with is Big question?
This is so true and the "always having to work" at it all daily and in each individual moment with someone like that, for months or years on end, is why that overused adrenal gland slowly goes into burnout.
The only thing with having other hobbies and interests with a narcissists is that they will get jealous of these because they don't want to share you with anything
This
And they will sabotage it to the best of their abilities!
Exactly! And try destroy what you love doing.
It is because they want all focus and attention on them.
Too bad for them
OMG!!! The favorite place of a narcissist to rage is in a car. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 8 years - it got progressively worse and YES YES YES raging in the car was an ongoing ocurrance. I can't even count the hundreds maybe thousands of car rages I tolerated. I finally got out. Now is month 8 after break up, and my life is 1000 percent better, calmer, real friendships developing, spiritual growth, supportive community, revisiting old passions which I had given up. It was hell going through the breakup but I'm eternally grateful that I finally said ENOUGH and left.
i’m so happy for you! 🤗🥳
yes Yes yes on revisiting old passions ! During the last 5 years I had no self awareness about the change in my personality and how I had given up all my simple pleasures. Here it is the middle of the afternoon been so should be up and around doing something productive but here I am laying in bed reading these comments. When I read yours I looked around and saw the new lit candle on my dresser, a Woman's Day magazine laying next to me, a bag of sour gummy worms, a cup of cappuccino on my nightstand and my sweet dog laying at my feet. So many small pleasures! I just made a big stride in my healing . Thank you for your comment.
My ex would take me on a drive and the berating didn’t end untill I was willing to accept everything was my fault and how terrible I was and after enough tears, approx. 30 minutes or more it would end and he would be forgiving and the would start being a little nicer and then shortly after arriving home then the sex followed which I really hated feeling manipulated and not understanding my feelings!
It took me less than 6 months to figure out that my ex was a Narcissist. Full blown narcissist and if given the test from the DSM he would likely have all 9 characteristics.
I started seeing things, hearing what he was saying, observing his behavior, observing how he was treating me. I also realized we went through love bombing, devalue, and discard stages. I ended things and went no contact. I'm so very glad I did. It sucks because I cared for him, his kids, etc., but I realize that my needs were not going to ever be met with this person. I also realized that a narcissist is not who I want to be with.
You got out early hun well done 9 years later and I'm still trying to get out of this cycle
I agree. God Bless You
@@hannahmitchell9162 I think the longer you wait, the harder it gets to leave.
16 lol. I didn't know this existed until 4 yeaes ago. I have a hunch that the majority of us had no idea what NPD was if we did then we might have left sooner. Education is key
@@musicalsunglasses You make perfect sense. My thoughts and prayers are with you to help you out of your situation.
I have a narcissistic mother and that also let me attract narcissistic man! I just found out that my mother is a narc because she is getting old and she can’t play her manipulative game like she did before! I also didnt understood that there are different kind of narcs! I’m now distancing myself from her and the father of my child and I never felt so good! The shocking thing is all my health problems I had and obesity went away like it never happened! Please if you are dealing with a narc choose yourself first because that is what the narc does! And dealing with narcs definitely makes you sick physically and mentally
what you said about your health problems and obesity going away is so encouraging to me, thank you! As im currently trying to cut the cord with a narc. And i have many health problems and have gained so much weight in the past 12 years... Thank you for giving me some hope ..
Congratulations on all of your great achievements recently, its so good when you get to be who you really are
I completely understand and can realate to everything you said !!!!
They get get a lot worse with age. They forget things and can't hide theisubtle manipulation in the same way in my experience
I’ve had the same experience. I can’t believe she used to make me out to be such a problem, because now I’ve cut communication, I have no problems 😂
I explained to my mom that if someone refuses to respect my boundaries, they do not get access to me. I moved out of a place where I didn’t have to worry about anything financially, because someone wouldn’t listen to me that I do not like being touched in certain ways. He blamed it on being horny. Self control is all we have in life and it should be used wisely.
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects.To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
Trauma bonding occurs when a narcissist repeats a cycle of abuse with another person which fuels a need for validation and love from the person being abused. Trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships, however, it can also occur between colleagues, non-romantic family members, and friends.
They promise you the world, what you want. They make you feel secure and they play on your niceness. Then they tell you “I will support you.” You leave your job and when they have you totally dependent they begin to act like their REAL SELVES! Then you have no way out! They make you hamstrung! But one day you change your mind about loving them. Woman it’s natural to stop working in a NORMAL situation where a REAL MAN wants to love you and provide. We just have to STOP using normal rules in a abnormal situation!!!! Lisa, keep sharing things like this so woman can know the TRUTH!!!! ❤
That is exactly what happened to me !
This was so helpful. I'm disabled and stuck with a narcissistic spouse for financial reasons. I've been walking on eggshells for 29 years, and this video gave me permission to stop doing it. It's been exhausting. Thank you! ❤
Stay strong God is very very powerful 💪 I think
You are exactly right. After 30 some years of marriage, I looked in the mirror and I didn't know who I was anymore. I remember even thinking I don't recognize myself. When it turns really bad you have to make a decision. I finally got the courage and strength to get him out. I am going on 4years free. I feel I will have to work on healing the rest of my life. He & my children were my world. I am happy finding me again! I am thriving even when he said I couldn't do it on my own. I have my own successful business! Anyone wondering if they can do it, yes you can. Ask God's help and he will give you the courage to do it. I was only working 2 day's a week 16 hrs at the time with no money in the bank. Talk to your closest friend. Believe in you.
A narcissist loves to fight in the car. Bc you cannot get out you have to stay. And no one sees it. Total immunity and if you do leave everyone will blame the victim for being overdramatic
Yep. I filed for divorce and mine still expected me to take him to/from the airport for a work trip. I said there is no way I am getting in a car with you for a half hour car ride one-way. He went ballistic. I just sat there and asked him if he was finished, and told him he would need to find another ride. He has friends. Ask one of them. That struck a cord. I will no longer be his slave. That's how he treated me for 20 years.
The last time that happened to me, we were six (long, abuse-filled) hours from home, almost to our Airbnb. He got out of the car in a rage in the middle of city traffic-we were at a stoplight-a green one! He left the door wide open and me, solo, in the passenger seat, so I hurried and jumped into the driver seat to get out of the road. I pulled off at the next side street to call him..declined. Called again, declined again.
This went on for fifteen minutes. Nothing.
So I left.
Alone.
Turned off my phone then drove his car straight back home..all six hours.
@@MyBeautifulHealthomg!! Where did he go? What happened in the end? Please finish the story 😊
I've been in that car situation. I was driving and he would attack me. He was drunk and we were arguing (about how stupid I was for whatever reason.) We had three minors in the back seat. Crazy. Next day he would say sorry, never again, later he would say come on, it wasn't that bad, he wasn't even choking me, just grabbed my neck a little bit, sure it didn't hurt. Of course I'm divorced now but it wasn't easy with all the custody and the flying monkeys. I'm so glad that it's over.
Me too! How insane they do this. Countless times I had this done to me.
Most narcissists don’t want physical violence because they have to maintain their grandiose mask they put on for everyone else. If they harm you, then they will be exposed. It has nothing to do with caring about you. If they could get away with beating you, they wouldn’t hesitate.
Years of chasing the carrot sums it up. I had a mental issue develop where my mind would go blank when I was asked a question, that I discovered and got over in a personal development course. That was a direct result of having to think of every word I spoke in front of the Narc because any words could be used against me. If not immediately, then in a week, two weeks, a month or a year away
I Went through a similar thing. I couldn't hold a proper conversation with anyone. When someone spoke to me my mind would go blank & I wouldn't even know how to respond. I have left the narc ex husband its been 4 years since I've been on my own its taken sometime to recover from the brain fog but now I feel great leaving him was the best thing I could have done.
@@eastendchick7704 Well done getting away💜 I got discarded the first time. We enjoyed played music together so I was hoovered back in a year later. I eventually did the discarding and that has been way more freeing for my mind and life. I am wsy more focused and head together now 👍
Fight, flight, fawn or freeze is a self protection mechanism against the Narc
Wowwwww thank you for commenting this. I have some brain fog anyway but it's way worse since being in my current relationship. And it does affect how much I even talk to other people, like I just have nothing to say. It makes me feel dumb. Even though he compliments my intelligence he dominates every conversation and he always has to come out on top, be the one in control. This explains so much. I knew it was happening but wanted to deny it, too proud to admit I've been duped or that I'm affected by it bc it doesn't make logical sense. These platforms getting it out in the open are priceless and I'm grateful for not only the hosts but for all of the great comments.
@@ericabenvenutti1062😮 this is so validating. It's good to know I'm not alone. Thank you ❤
I recognized it was time to honor my dignity, my time, and the truth. When I selected the BLOCK button...I also recognized the relief in my physical body and my well-being, making a healthy choice for me.
I need to watch this again!! The anxiety and depression can't go on and I am just realizing my husband is a narc and I have lost my identity. Been with him 18 years and am 65 years old and I need to get my life back. Thank you so much for this video, it is helping me to understand how to deal with my situation and make the right choices for ME!
I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way!! It is incredible when you leave and sooooo worth it! The healing is hard, I won't sugar coat it, but we are worth it! ❤
You CAN do this! Get out as soon as you can, for they make you ill the longer you stay. You're only 65 - I'm now 78, but left my vicious, violent ex when I was about 45 & was so scared as I had no idea how I would manage on my own, for of course, he gaslighted me into NOT trusting in myself but being dependent upon him. I just keep listening to The Caravan Son sung by Barbara Dickson as the words truly inspired me. Check it out here on UA-cam! He's now a sad, shrivelled, lonely old man, married to a rich woman (of course!) who tells everyone that he has NO MONEY of his his own! As a Narc, he will HATE that! Serves him right & helps me to feel really GOOD about having the courage to leave, despite his threats to kill me if I dared to leave him! I did it. You can too. I'm hoping that I will finish my memoir about this time of my life, soon-ish! Watch out for it! Much love to you 💖
❤ Bless you ❤️
Lifting you up in my heart!!!
You can do it. I was 37yrs of marriage & 57yrs old. I am happy learnng who I am & being with my children and grandchildren.
My narcissistic mother took our family to family therapy when I was 12. I think she expected the therapist to blame all of us and hold her up as a self sacrificing hero to put up with us all.
The therapist instead told her that talking about her marital issues with us kids was not good. That we aren’t to be a part of that conversation as we aren’t at fault or should be privy to it. My mom was outraged. We finish the session and she storms us out through the parking lot. She called the therapist a quack and said we’d never go back. And we didn’t!
That sounds familiar. My mom used me as her personal therapist for a few decades, in addition to dishing out physical abuse. It wrecked me so much more than I realized. I was constantly trying to find ways to help her, and when I couldn't talk when she wanted to, she would shame me and make me feel guilty for saying no. She controlled me when I was younger with physical abuse, and shame as an adult. She is deeply clinically depressed and an alcoholic. She complained to me about her intimacy issues and her broken relationship with her mother and brother. Sex life. You name it. I thought it was normal to "have such a great relationship" with my mom. Until she started over parenting my kids and hurting them. I finally went to a therapist and realized she was a huge narc, and also that my husband was an abusive narc. That opened an entire can of worms and fast forward... I cut off my toxic parents, and am divorcing my husband, trying to get full custody of my kids. It's a complete nightmare, but it will be so worth it to finally have my freedom and find myself in the end. And be a good healthy example for my kids.
My Mom did this!! It was when the therapist told her I was right and she was being the child.
My dad wouldn't even go and my mom wouldn't let me tell the truth about her.
I had similair experiences with my narc dad
My God what a toxic person
So, this speaks to me. After 20 years with a narasasist I realized I don't know who I was- what I liked to do, what I wanted. Every day revolved around him, and making him happy. I've been separated 7 years and I'm still trying to find myself and my voice
My mother used to call me spineless. And I thought my boyfriend abuses me because I am weak. And maybe he’ll be kind to a strong woman. It is mind blowing to hear that he picked me because of my good qualities. Not because I’m weak. Thank you so much.
Projection is a very real thing. I loved the part when Dr. Ramni spoke about the reason why you were 'picked'. Of course, it's because you're wonderful! Then once down the road you wonder why you were systematically destroyed. Of course, it's because you're wonderful!
This is so accurate. To survive choosing to stay you cannot let the narcissist be your identity mirror. .
That’s massive
This is so interesting when you say “identity mirror” because I swear the narc I know right now just copies me to seem nice but it just never felt… genuine (?) i guess nor authentic. Just mockery it seems.
@@donnabu what I actually meant was that you cannot take what the narc says about you as reality. Because that is not reality. You have value even though they make you seem as though you don’t. For example, mine loved to call me irresponsible and careless when in fact I am not those things
@@sherylW315 I understand. Thanks. And I get that too.
It's like dating a demon. There were many times I actually thought he may have been possessed. Wouldn't wish this type of relationship on my worst enemy.
I believe it's actually demonic possession.
I agree with the one year comment. I remember crying myself to sleep one night after yet another blow up and saying to myself this is just not right. I phoned my son and that night i left the narc. At 1am. Drove through the night.
Be okay with setting them off. Bc your existence is going to set them off no matter what. Just keep living your life. If you choose to stay you have to be yourself.
My narscissist husband would take me on trips out of state and use it as an opportunity to emotionally abuse me, then threaten to leave me in the state to leave me to find my own way home... Many of these trips were on a motorcycle... So hard to sit behind someone who is raging at you and then wants to continue the abuse at a hotel
😢Hugs
I'm sorry. This reminds me of my narc sister. I only allowed myself to go out with her a handful of times and this one time i had no car and went out to a pub with her. She focused in on this ugly old guy that had whispered things to her for hours and it was torture. I was left by myself instead of what was supposed to be a sisters night out (and she was married to a handsome young man). I didn't expect her to act like that. She just phased me out completely. It was such a drag. When she finally finished, i asked what was he all about and on the drive home she flew into a huge rage. She claimed that the man was somebody that does business with her husband and that he was sharing information with her. (Yea right. Alone while dressed like a single drunk woman and looking like y'all are about to make out). When she was driving i seriously contemplated jumping out of the car if she slowed down. In her rage she would belittle me as if she knew my life when in fact we hadn't communicated in years, we were there to catch up... i was trapped and at her mercy. Later when we make it to our parents house she acts like nothing is wrong. What a flipping nightmare. Stay safe and try to avoid traveling with him if possible.
@@shimmerysparkles123 so sorry, I understand you frustration all to well.
That would only happen once. Ugh! Sounds horrible.
I can't say I wouldn't throw the driver in the road and take over the motorcycle but I'm unhinged in a gentle way not like I'm getting behind some big girl on a bike imagine a little skinny dude with some butch motorcycle chick yeah ?me neither.
Dr. Ramani helped me escape multiple narc relationships three years ago, and now I have the tools to feel strong and protect myself going forward. Thank you good woman.
She is amazing and her work is so necessary.
“Narcissistic relationships are where peoples needs go to die..” so brilliant 25:08
It hurts when my husband is overly attentive to strangers or other people. When I was in the emergency room all he wanted to do was get out of there, he was leaving me there, he said he had to let the dog out, I told him to go, but he came back and said the dr is letting you go, then he wanted to get something to eat, I basically feel I have to go along with everything he wants and my needs are never met. I can’t say anything about to him to other people because they think he is so wonderful, I suffer in silence. Too expensive to leave him now, I am getting rid of a lot of stuff so I can have an easier exit someday.
I couldn't live like that...not for 1 day. My needs are important
My narc was always trying to best me. When we first started dating, we’d play pool at my friend’s house. I beat him a couple of times, I had more experience, and the stricken look on his face was absolutely comical. “It’s just a game,” I told him. He made it his mission in life to beat me in pool, even going to my friend’s house to play without me. It was weird, but I didn’t think too much about it. But then it got weirder. He taught himself to win by doing dishonest things, like racking the balls so when I broke, none of them would fall in a pocket and then they’d end up in lies where every shot was impossible to make. I didn’t’t see it at first, took my best shot and when I didn’t make it, I’d be talking to my friends and having a good time. I began to notice that I rarely had good lies and realized that every shot he took was done with the sole purpose of depriving me of a good shot. I began surreptitiously watching him while talking with my friends between shots. He was actually moving my balls into impossible locations when he thought I wasn’t looking. How petty, I thought. Anything to win! Correction: anything to beat ME. I noticed he was watching my face very closely, looking for any signs that I was becoming frustrated, mad, losing control, feeling humiliated. That was his end goal, I realized. I really wanted to break the cue over his head and bury the jagged end in his eyeball and twist it a couple of times. Unfortunately, I had been fired at work on trumped up charges (by a narcissistic office manager who had sued to get her position by claiming not enough women were represented in management positions), lost my place to live, and was forced to move in with him; otherwise, I would have ghosted him. Seriously. He got so bad about STICKING IT TO ME AND JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON IT, that he was setting up the entire game so I didn’t make a single shot. I realized that the end game was to completely humiliate me by outplaying me as much as possible. I decided I didn’t care. I mean, come on. In my world, you play honestly, may the best player win, you don’t go out of your way to puns the other player into the ground every chance you get. All because I beat him s couple of times because I’d been playing longer. I gradually stopped playing with him. I’d just say, no, thanks, and play darts instead. I’d see that stricken look again. It was very important to him to pound me into the ground in front of my friends. Finally he couldn’t stand it any longer and demanded to know why I wouldn’t play him any more.
“Because you don’t play an honest game. You cheat by moving my balls when you think I’m not looking. You’ve spent untold hours teaching yourself dishonest ways to completely obliterate me at the game. You win with tactics instead of facts, I see you gloating and I can tell that you think you’re superior to me, and that you get off on beating me badly with your tactics, and I’m not going to let you do that to me any more. I could spend hours teaching myself dirty tricks to beat you just to humiliate you, but why would I do something so despicable to a fellow human being, especially the man I claim to love?”
Throughout my explanation, he kept exclaiming, “I did not! I did not!” and I swear, he sounded like a little kid, a 5-year-old, caught red-handed and lying about it and having a tantrum because you don’t believe him…eventually, he started scowling and snarling, “so what! Big deal!” still sounding exactly like a 5-year-old. Yes, he lied with fake outrage, then he scoffed and admitted it and didn’t give one shit about doing that to me.
I thought, I’m supposed to be number one on his list of priorities, but I’m dead last. An object of abject contempt.
Almost as if he was saying, “You love ME? You are a complete moron and you deserve nothing but scorn and contempt for falling in love with a POS like me.”
It was so pathetic.
I pretended to be his girlfriend long enough to get it together and get out. I really didn’t care what he did after a while, I hoped he would find someone else to “outsmart” to make himself feel good, but I had to pretend to care a little or he would ramp up the abuse and humiliation to get a reaction out of me.
The day finally came when I won my job back on appeal, got my back pay, got a great new apartment, all without him suspecting a thing while he was at work. One morning, the minute he left, I rented a truck down the street, packed up my stuff and my cats, and moved to my new place.
And never looked back.
He texted and called, left messages, accused me of stealing stuff that was mine, told everyone that I’d stolen $10,000.00 worth of stuff from him, called my work and told them I’m a drug addict and a thief, tried to follow me home from work, left tear-soaked messages about how I’m killing him and he’s going to commit suicide.
I sent him a text saying, “I’m no good for you. I humiliated you in front of everyone by beating you at pool instead of letting you win. You never got over that. I made you so mad that you beat and strangled me. It’s my fault; I made you hate me. You talked to me like you hated me. You told people that I stole $10,000.00 of stuff from you. You humiliated yourself by leaving all of these messages, crying, begging me to come back. Clearly, I am no good for you, and I can’t make you happy, so I’m setting you free to find someone better instead of wasting your time with someone who makes you miserable. You should have walked away from me long ago and never looked back. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you. You deserve better.”
Then I blocked his number, called my carrier and changed my number. I’ve been no contact for almost ten years, and I LOVE BEING ALONE. Everything is always where I left it. I don’t have to carry all of my money in my bra. I don’t have to deal with the unbelievable violent tantrums of a 5-year-old in an adult body. I’m staying single for life.
By the way, I did get out of his truck at a red light when he had been speeding to try to scare me because I wasn’t taking his shit. I knew he wasn’t going to do anything to wreck his precious $55,000.00 vehicle. He became enraged and ordered me back into the truck and I told him to FUCK OFF, YOU COULDN’T PAY ME TO GET BACK IN THAT TRUCK, and I took a bus home and beat him there by ten minutes. I never rode anywhere with him again unless he let me drive. He never messed with me again that way.
I’ll never trust a man enough to share my space with him, ever again.
We have to bring narcissism and parental alienation to the forefront. People are being hurt, severely hurt, and are even dying. We have to fight these epidemics in our world.
"Don't set them off." Worrying about the next outburst gave me a peptic ulcer at 15. I left home at 17. The ulcer never returned.
I stopped caring if I set them off, sometimes it would entertain me. The louder they screamed the softer my voice became as I said, "I'm leaving mom, and you can't stop me."
"You won't have ANYBODY to blame but YOURSELF!!"
"I like that just fine."
As I walked out the door forever.
This is so true!!! My mom is narcissistic. Everything that is being said about mothers is exactly my mom. Then talking about the kids, my brother was the difficult one; he's mean, and cruel. He stole cars, broke car windows with rocks, was disruptive in class, he used to beat me up at least once a week but most of the time, more than that. I wanted to hide; I was "shy" I tried to make myself invisible total people pleaser, obsessively cleaned the house, and got good grades so my mom wouldn't yell. I have picked up on some of the exaggerated emotions, and I carry them with me I am working so hard to change that I am aware of it. The difference is when I react badly to my emotions, I take note, evaluate what went wrong, and apologize; if there is nobody to apologize to, I apologize to myself for reacting as I did then I teach myself how to handle the trigger in an emotionally healthy way. With my mom or brother, no apology, or if there is one, it's sarcastic and disingenuine they gaslight and make every problem the fault of others. It's so crazy. My whole life, I dated other narcissists and didn't understand my pattern until about 4 years ago was never happy in a relationship, but this was my normal. When you come from a family with it breaking free is REALLY HARD, but I am still working on it. I listen to books, read books, I have a therapist, and I journal I am determined to change this before I die. It's a life goal, and I get better every day.
Your story sounds like mine, except my dad was the narc and my older sister was the troublemaker of the family. I have finally gone no contact with her, as I finally reached my breaking point with her. My peace of mind and peace in my life is far more important than listening to her negative attitude and being jealous of me.
Thank you for this🥹💕
I had a breakdown yesterday. I got angry and had a bit of outburst. The whole of today, I have cried soo much because I am soo disappointed in myself that I get angry. But this is a thing in my house. My mother has outbursts over every single thing and it’s dramatic. I felt because I know what narcissism is and I am self aware I should not have outbursts, and I try, I really do. I haven’t been any angry this year but there are days like yesterday. And I hate myself soo much for that soo much.
Seeing your comment, it has reminded me that it is a journey, it won’t just go away because I know what it is now
@@akuabello9745it's normal to have emotions, i'm 19 and i've been aware that mum is a nqrc for couple years now and i still have emotions and can react to her attitude. evenk thought talking and arguing with the person is useless you still can't hide everything like a bubble. of course it's better to not give the narc any reaction when they want a fight but it's not realistic. better revenge on them is to go no contact forever and let them figure it out on their own. i remember how hard it was in early teen years for me, my lufe goal was literally figuring out why my mum behaves like that, even though you could never predict her actions. it taught me a lot as i was finding answers on the internet but i still reget caring so much and wasting my time on a person that doesn't even see me as human. just treta them the same, like a coffee machine
Remember You are not Them...they have a fractured sense of self...when things go wrong they get frustrated or angry...they can not self regulate...FORGIVE EVERYONE BLESS THEM & RELEASE THEM TO GOD...ONLY HE CAN HEAL THEM.
They need JESUS SALVATION...Healing and deliverance..TO heal their mind ! 🙏🏿
You are ding AWESOME...overcoming this.....ASK for JESUS SOUL WOUND HEALING salvation first)...JESUS LOVES YOU and Understands All You have been Thru! STAY CALM..STAYAT PEACE! Remember the things they say are a mirror of themselves!
I wish psychological professionals would watch this, esp. people responsible to protect our innocents❤
I am an empathic Angel, which makes me easy prey. So now I am developing healthy boundaries. Staying more guarded
That's another powerful thing that doctor Ramani said. That is, to stop sharing things with the narcissist. When you share something important to you.wWith them, there is the expectation of some kind of positive response. YOU WILL NOT GET THAT! Instead, it will be negative or degrading or demoralizing or generally disappointing. The desire to continue to share with the narcissist reveals your emotional attachment to him. That's why emotional detachment is so important. Does my abuser deserve to know that I became a getty images photographer when they have never supported my profession and in fact has punished me for it? Absolutely not.
Shame is a huge factor ... the embarrassment and feeling weak or dumb for being in a relationship like this ...or even worse more than one relationship like this is just personally devastating...pulling yourself up and out by growing personally and learning how to look at your ownership and evaluation of red flags are just empowering ... the trauma bond is absolutely crazy making ...very very tough !! Thanks for this video
Definitely
You danced with the devil...and made it out alive before he destroyed you completely (if you were truly trauma-bonded). Be grateful...and ditch the shame.
Shame is actually what narcissists worry about because they're all about "keeping up appearances" in public and "pulling themselves up by the bootstraps". Both of those things are ideas that come from the head of a narcissist.
Yes they DO punch back ten times harder in every way! Being trapped in the car is the worst but also the only time I feel free to defend myself openly. The worst time was when, WHILE DRIVING, he grabbed me by the hair and threatened to drive to a remote location to cut my throat. I left him two months later but am being sucked back in now. It really hit home when Dr. Ramani said, if they are capable of doing THAT once then they will repeat it. Thank you!
Dont go back!!!😟
They do repeat violence,I've been through the physical stuff at least three times.
Yes they trap you in the car and they put their foot on the accelerator and threaten to slam into a tree.
I’ve been in some very terrifying car rides.
Yes, now mine wants us both to drive 3 hrs to visit his dying friend. I knew the friend too however I can’t stand the though of being stuck in a car with him for 3 hrs…I’m hoping he’ll go visit with a male friend who both knew this guy. If not I’ll make the best of it and promise myself this is the last time I’ll go with him on any trip..
You are not their parent. It's not your responsibility to raise them. Your job is to figure out what life you want to have and start making steps towards that life. Also, band together with other victims of narcissists and pool whatever excessive resources you might all have (that you can afford to lose), while forming a coalition of survivors who can help yourselves and others get out of these situations.
"You're getting rid of yourself" hit me like a ton of bricks!! So exactly true! Me, my real self, does not matter unless he needs something from me. "Can you take me? Can I use your car? Yada, Yada. Yet, I'm not worth any acknowledgment or any conversation unless he needs something. I can't believe I've tolerated this for so many years!!! What a waste of time!!
Now you know
Dr Ramani, you are one brilliant, competent, AMAZING woman and therapist : you get this like no one else.
She really does get it, doesn't she?
@@veryslowenglish yea, because she's been through the abuse and gaslighting
Thank you much ladies ❤
It's all spiritual warefare... We are not fighting flesh and blood, but dark principalities in High places,Put on the whole armor of God and trust and rest in Him.
I understand I'm in the battle and it's down right brutal. Look beyond this earthly realm, it's the battle for our souls, the enemy comes to kill steal and destroy only in Christ Jesus can anyone ultimately win. we have authority in Christ. It's not easy but in Christ we will find victory. Not as the world but in Christ High spiritual place. The battle belongs to the Lord. Armor up in truth. ❤️ Love and prayers to all!
Amen thank you God!
Are you for real some of the worst narcs I know claim to be representative s of God and put people down constantly
Yes my husband is one of these. He can’t see it himself. He is still trying to do his best; not justifying the evil of narcissism, only that being a Christian doesn’t necessarily keep you from it. It is so entrenched he doesn’t even know to surrender this part of him to Jesus. It’s taken a long time to understand
@@lindsaywilliams3774 I concur. I am focused on the God in ME and letting the man upstairs take care of the rest. I pray for him, give him Grace and leave him to God. Peace is a Wonderful Place to live in.
Amen Sister YES!!!!! 🙏 ✝️
My new boyfriend, was so overwhelming with this narcissism, that I got out after 23 days. They are relentless. Toward the end, he told me that he wanted to delve deep into my psyche, so he could get to know me better. Forget that! It's more like he wanted to suck the soul out me.
They are the reason your light faded and then hate you for not shining anymore... touchè. Thank you so much Dr Ramani.
And thank you Lisa :)
I stayed till my son started to run away from home (he was 15.) The now former spouse had a DUI and caused us $6000 extra debt. He told me if I asked for help from our faith, "I'd have hell to pay." I put my plan in my mind to leave. I did have my people and my Counselor my victories. It was nice to have my group who cared.
I got Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia from being with a Covert Narcissist for 20 years. Bad illnesses following much abuse.
"You're getting rid of yourself" wow! Perfectly said! That's how I've always been for most everybody from my mom!, to all the men who've been in my life, to my children who have kicked me out because I'm not doing what they believe I should be doing!! And for the first time ever I'm alone and have ZERO idea WHO I AM!!
If I haven’t discovered this Dr. I don’t believe I would be alive today. I had been brainwashed to believe that something was wrong with me for so many years. Especially after I had mental breakdown. Thank goodness for UA-cam! I can’t say I am well today especially since I am still in the relationship due to the fact that we have kids together but at least I know what I’m against. Thank you Dr.
narcissists are extremely deceitful and hence dangerous. People need to remove themselves from these situations as soon as they find out they are in a relationship with people like this.
Right away!! They will not change.
This really helps me. I have a chronic illness and also cannot afford to live on my own…hence why I stay. Everyone around me can’t believe I haven’t left but it’s not bad 100% of the time. If I left not sure where I’d go or how I’d survive financially 😢
I’m in this situation as well. I’m not going to talk about it until I can get out but I am starting a podcast here in Norway so you’re welcome to be my friend I’m going to dedicate sundays to talking to ppl how I would want to be talked to. To help with confidence
@@Murphylady23 thank you Nadine, yes some of us can’t just up and leave so we have to figure out how to deal with our situation the best we can. I would love to listen to your podcast ❤️
@@Murphylady23 hey Nadine will your podcast be on this Sunday?!?
Your life is a match to mine. I don't spend much time with the narc, I have my own area. Currently he is in the hospital and I had to take all his belongings (clothes, wallet, keys) home. Went to visit him and started his crap on me cause I laughed with the nurse.. Next day texted him I wouldn't be there for his procedure due to his behaviour and he threw back a laughing mojito. I came back and thanked him for putting it on the record and he find his own way home. OF course I got finger but I got last laugh!!😂🎉
Me2
I have a narcissist daughter and it is only lately that I am getting the clarity on that. She is almost 50 years old and it has been the most difficult relationship I have ever had. It doesn’t matter how much goodness you give, do or say, it will never be enough and at the end of the day, the giver is always at fault. Thank you Dr. Ramini for giving me the gift of clarity. It has helped me release so much guilt and shame that I allowed her to put on me. From today forward my behaviour with here definitely change. I have found a new emotional freedom❤🙏❤️ Blessings to you and all of the amazing work that you do
😢
Often by the time you realize it's unacceptable, you can be so worn down you don't have the energy or clarity of mind to make the move. In addition, fully capable people can be so undermined and brainwashed by the narcissist that they FEEL incapable of leaving.
It's paralyzing
Financial fear, the need for health insurance, this resonates so deeply within me.
Thank you for your insights. You’re providing building blocks for healing.
They’re pitiful, it’s okay to feel sorry for them - but, you’re not responsible for that.
Thank u Dr Ramani 🙇🏻♀️
The people who recognize narcissists talking to ppl who don't and feeling invalidated. I felt this SO MANY TIMES. I needed this. The narcissists are often "loved" by people who don't recognize they are.
I cant get enough listening to her. This should be part of High school curriculum. I wished I heard this when I was in my twenties.
I THINK THE SAME THING EVERY TIME I LISTEN TO HER TOO 💯💯💯AGREE
I probably wouldn't believe a normal acting person could be so horrible and deceptive and cruel. I would be looking out for a monster but they would get to me with their charm and attention. 🤷
Me too
my whole immediate family.
dito... hugs,from Belgium
One day, I wish to not need to listen to Dr. Ramani and others who are helping me survive this narcissistic relationship but start enjoying listening to music again. That day, I will embrace me being free and healed from narcissistic torture.
You are not alone. I’m working on seeing that day when I can dance in the rain with total freedom.
Life is now 🙌🏼
That day will come. But you will be so much wiser. And me too.
Same here but my problem is more with reading. I have always loved reading and now I can't.
Solomon Islands Reggae is soothing to the soul; so positive and beautiful!
I don't know about anyone else but this made me cry, that feeling of it isn't just me, that feeling of shame for allowing it to go on for so long and also that feeling of freedom because I've cut these evil people out of my life. To all you survivors I salute you and to all those suffering mahooosive hugs and healing vibes ❤️
🫡 our minds are ours now 💖
When you start to turn the tides on them and understand all this, it is so empowering. I wish I would have seen this decades ago.
If anyone has a y of the reasons she stated as why people stay, leave anyway. I have 4 kids, we left in June. Once you leave you will find that there is so much help out there. Go to churches, go to the library and we search, find the people you were cut off from. Help is out there.
Viking, love your online name!
Dr Ramani, "They've had a rough life AND their behavior is unacceptable." It's so important to remember that many truths can exist together. For the longest time, I felt guilty for having loved this person only to realize in that same moment they weren't meant to be in my life.
One punch back that worked for me, and actually struck a blow to my narcissist was.. "the first time you destroyed me...this time, you destroyed yourself". He knew how completely devestated i was, it took me 3+ years to recover. This time he sees no tears, only contempt and it's breaking him. He lashes out to try to blame shift and distract but all he gets as a reaction is a snicker and a snuff.
I lived through this horrible relationship for 10 years! Everything you said I have experienced with my ex. It’s been a year since I walked out. I’m still learning more about these ppl and healing from the abuse at the same time.
“What you’re doing is you got rid of yourself” 😢
😔
I lived with a narcissist verbally abusive husband for over 40 years. Please, I beg people to leave the cruel belittling relationship before the abuse becomes physical. My husband knocked me down and my arm broke the minute I hit the floor. He then screamed at me to get up knowing I couldn’t move. He grabbed my broken arm as bd jerked it trying to pull me up. We Both heard the bones snapping into and breaking even more. I was screaming in pain. He then pulled my arm again shattering the bones, muscles, nerves and pulling my arm out of the shoulder socket!
Please save yourself!!
I’ve had 2 major surgeries and still can’t
Move my arm and hand!🙏Save yourself!!🙏🥵
My mom is a narcissist and it created the pattern for me to always search out partners who fill that role. I had to cut ties and so did my children. Regrettably she will die alone.
Thank you for understanding the people who have to stay. I do feel ashamed about these practical reasons. This makes me feel better. I'm pretty much over the other stuff. I know it won't change. This is a day at a time, and one day it may be possible. But I'm NOT going to harm myself in the process. And I'm learning to ignore the " just leave" people. I'm also getting less afraid of the tantrums because they really aren't about me. Now, I'm trying to figure out who I am! And Radical Acceptance is changing my life. It's so freeing!
After 32 years of marriage with a narcissist I found myself stating to become like him that I said enough was enough so I divorced him. I started seeking help to bring myself back and after 6 years after my divorce and I finally feel like myself again
What just hit me was that I survived my mom, then my first husband. I ended up at 36 years old with ZERO sense of self.... it was ALL about what they said and thought..... and then a few friends showed up with narcissism along the way but I finally arrived at 64 years old after some recovery, strong as hell and FREE from this evil mental condition in friends and family in my life. Thank you Dr Ramani for being our public voice!
It's better to leave, you will learn yourself and it's not fun but, better than putting up with the person who can't be happy with anything , even when you try your hardest.
The “im not interested in what you’re saying” is a classic narssisstic comment I’ve heard many times in a 6 month period of dating someone. Now realizing I should have called this out months ago and left!
I hope you left
You helped so much when you said,
"when you've shown me something bad, you've shown me what you are capable of"
This had a powerful impact on me! I am a year into the process of putting in the real work to heal from my childhood trauma and at 42 years old am finally able to recognize how the early coping mechanisms I implemented helped me as a kid were the very patterns and concepts that held me back from becoming and accepting and embracing my true self as an adult. After years of finding myself in one toxic relationship after another I now understand how being the firstborn to a narcissistic mother set me on crash course of being used and emotionally and physically abused in every romantic relationship. Now at 42 years old, for the first time in my life, I feel capable of identifying the flags I’ve previously ignored and I have the confidence to listen to and trust my gut instincts without being consumed with self doubt and acceptance of disrespectful treatment.
This gave me so much reassurance and confirmation that I really have healed and the freedom from external validation and acceptance of others being the measure of my value or worth is AMAZING! Thank you ladies for your open and authentic dialogue!
❤ Dr Ramani! Nailed it. .. when ypu hear or "see" the person come off as saying Are you taking about "us".... Run. They don't want your thoughts, ideas, dreams . ..they just want your ruin AND TAKE your energy.they will devalue everything that makes you YOU.
Thank you Dr Ramani and Lisa for your insight on narcissistic mothers.
My mother recently discarded myself and my daughter.. we are enjoying the break from her drama, abuse and criticism.
Breathe
You are brave x
Mine discarded me and my boys. Phew! 😂🎉
@@soniahathaway1
What a shame these Mothers don’t recognize they need help.
I’m so happy I broke the cycle of abuse with my daughter and I haven’t perpetuated this toxic behavior. We should be proud that our children do not have to suffer what we have all our lives.
My daughter is now 19 years old and will not tolerate my mother’s abuse and unnecessary anger at us and the world.
I wish you and your boys a healthy and happy life 🩵🤍
This is what’s happened to me having to move in with family after a car accident messed up my work. It’s super sad and discouraging to wonder what happened to me and my life, and not recognize myself. Working on taking myself back though. Thank you 🙏
Hit the nail on the spot when you said not every narcissist is physically abusive, I was in a toxic relationship for almost 11 years finally got out in March and yes I'm still dealing with his narcissistic ways, begging to be with me!! Nope I'm putting myself through that anymore!!
👍 Great! Keep moving forward! You won’t regret it!
Wish I'd seen this advice 23 years ago😢💔