The BIG SIGNS You’re Dealing With A Narcissist & How To SET BOUNDARIES! | Dr. Ramani
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- Опубліковано 18 тра 2024
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On Today's Episode:
The term narcissist gets thrown around a lot to the misfortune of people who are not actually narcissistic. Toxicity, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse are clear common markers of narcissistic behavior. Hopefully, you’re not in a relationship with a narcissistic person, but perhaps you’ve recently left a toxic situation and still feel lost, confused and uncertain how to handle the narcissist in your life.
Dr. Ramani doesn’t mince words when it comes to dealing with narcissists. The depth of knowledge she has from working with victims of narcissism is mind-blowing. In this episode we’ve packed some of the best advice Dr. Ramani has shared with Lisa on Women of Impact so you can take notes and the cycle of abuse and start healing.
If you’ve managed to avoid relationships with narcissists to this point, we’re cheering for you. We want you to be safe and be aware of the red fags many people miss until it’s too far gone.
Check out Dr. Ramani's Podcast "Navigating Narcissism" here!: apple.co/3nrjnTL
SHOW NOTES:
0:00 | Introduction to Dr. Ramani
0:09 | Look for These Red Flags
26:02 | They Weaponize Vulnerabilities
47:48 | 6 Types of Narcissists
1:04:44 | Red Flags in Conversation
1:15:15 | How to Heal & Detox
1:37:06 | Break the Trauma Bond
1:52:15 | How to Leave a Narcissist
QUOTES:
“Once you’ve communicated something about three times, and it has been dishonored, devalued, not listened to, or validated, that’s it! You're done…” [3:29]
“Charisma is a tricky pattern, because we always assume, that it's a good thing and I think people have to be discerning about charisma.” [15:12]
“We're literally more protective of the password we have for some game on our computer, then we are with the most sacred parts of our psyche.” [27:02]
“There's a short list of reasons people stay in their relationships, hope, fear, guilt, and lack of information.” [40:48]
“Secure, people don't lash out at other people, [...] they know they're not always going to get it right. They're not always trying to overcompensate, they apologize when they are wrong.” [52:18]
“this is it. This is who this person is. You stay. And this is how it is” [1:04:40]
“It's not just about the trust of the other. It's about that you have the right to set a boundary. And that's about trusting yourself. “ [1:36:30]
“The primary motivations of these difficult relationships are that the narcissistic or difficult person wants power. They want control. They want everything for their own pleasure, their own needs.” [1:51:19]
“There’s no such thing as failing at healing. If you’re getting out of bed in the morning, even if you’re slow and even if it’s later than you want, you’re healing because you had the courage to face down another day.” [1:54:03]
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Have you had run in with narcissists in your life? How did you handle them?
YES. ON AND OFF FOR 9 YEARS. HE DOESN'T RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES BECAUSE, I KEEP GIVING IN AND FEELING SORRY FOR HIM. PLUS, WRONG THING..I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM. I FELT EVERYTHING SHE SAID. I CRIED SOME.
I also apply the rule of 3 these days.
I lived with one for 4 years. It took a while to realise what he was like and it took a while to realise I needed to leave him he was toxic, evil and dangerous. 10 months free no contact, it has not been an easy journey because of the abusive texts, fake profiles but I'm the strongest I've been in a long time and will not listen or acknowledge anything from him now and forever 😁
#Bestrong you can do this 💪
I absolutely understand the idea of giving away your vulnerability passwords. In my relationship with my ex narc I shared with him that my mum wore the pants in our house and we all hated how she used to steam roll my dad. My ex would later use it in any instance where I would try and assert myself, calling me Mrs Baker (that’s what everyone had to call my mum) and saying that he’s not a simp like my father. It was so hurtful, especially since my father passed when I was 16. It makes it very difficult for me now to be vulnerable, I used to be an open book, but now I only have a few close friends and tend to keep to myself.
My life's story. I'm learning now and it's awesome but I'm also realizing how much I attract them. I'm introverted and it is hard to meet those who are like me because I tend to wait till others engage with me, and it is those charismatic people who move that way.
Favorite quote: “Don’t serve up your pain to someone who is going to melt it into bullets” -Dr. Ramani.
L
9:2
9:44
Seeing this quote makes me feel a bit obsessive now about not wanting to miss any of Dr. Ramani's videos. Good thing no one in Dr. Ramani's inner cirlce is going to be jumping to conclusions about why I am often showing up here and at her UA-cam channel too in order to hit the like button here and there while sometimes leaving comments too. Why as I get older I am becoming more and more like an extreme introvert now is troubling to me becase I am not by nature an introvert at all. Maybe only because I haven't heard that saying before?
Don’t cast your pearls before swine - Bible
She’s so right. Don’t ever cry in front of a narcissist. Ever! They will feel empowered by that. Remember narcissists don’t process emotions the same as normal people do.
His insistence on creating an argument always ended in tears. He'd keep pushing buttons until the tears would come because I REFUSED to argue! It was like a debate that he HAD to win. There was no disagreeing with him over ANYTHING. Finally went no contact rather than continue his games! Now, I got at his insistence a desolution of marriage, as they now call it.
they are merciless machines.
Yep so true, keep your feelings safe away from them always
@EXPOSED. Algerian satanic narcissist. Bilal lakama so true 💔
Mine used to laugh at me for fighting back.
This quote @17:13 from her, very powerful: “A narcissist is like a 6-month old baby, throws their tantrum, and still wants people to snuggle them afterwards”.
My mother: exactly this! When I don't do what she wants or how she wants, she starts taking away love, sometimes going no contact, and then she is upset that nobody is running after her to make it okay. It's a crazy circus. Never ends.
Maybe H G Tudor is on the right path about different schools of narcissits.
That's not what I've experienced with narcissists in my life like both my parents.
My father literally doesn't give a F*ck about anyone, he can't be bothered. If his plate is full he doesn't care if his children or anyone else is starving. He doesn't throw tantrums because he believes everyone likes him because he can only listen to himself. Because he's really not intelligent others can easily scam him but he will never blame himself or the scammers but will choose a scapegoat like his family, for example.
As for my mother, she doesn't want snuggles. She might look like throwing tantrums but those are more like rage explosions and she will direct her rage and only relaxe when someone else is completely destroyed. She can even sleep better. She will often project her anger towards someone under her control (children) and not those who upset her.
So, I don't agree with that sentence. Ot maybe it's another type of narcissism. I've seen those tantrums in grown up men and it didn't feel like the "narcissism" I'm used to but completely broken people unware of their brokeness and dysfunction.
Different.
💯💯💯
So true and well said!
@@musiux2000this sounds eerily familiar
We need these subjects taught in High School and College. To many people are getting attacked by Narc's and develop mental issues. If people had the knowledge before hand, then they can keep those walls up.
100 💯💪🙌 amen
I agree. Information on narcissistic traits, habits and causes & effects needs to be taught in schools, churches and even Dr' offices, to stop the spread of the disorder. A firm stand has to be taken. The above should start now!!!
Schools are helping create them.
Teach at home first. Schools hide them...
Naive.
“Narcissists don’t pause, they reload.” Good quote Dr Ramani. This is absolutely true. Going no contact has been heaven.
Forgiveness is license to do it again. That's how I think about it. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. For-give. You give, if you're asked for it. Don't you go bestowing forgiveness like it has no value (!) Even charity is only given when asked for. With narcs, make the distinction between sorry and actual sorry. Remember, it's always a license for them to do it again. Take that chance, it's fine. Feel a little shame when they do it again, but then forgive YOURSELF, and move then eff on, away from the narc. YOU deserve forgiveness, you deserve peace, you deserve respect.
@@raphaellavictoria01 amen thank you for this kind message Raphaella🥰🥰😘😘
No contact would be nice, if you didn’t share a child
True. I agree
As if it came out of my mouth...
Don’t bother putting work into setting boundaries with a narcissist RUN A MILE!
I don’t believe there is such a thing as boundaries with them, it won’t work it, ever, unfortunately.
@@laurenmay2098 I can’t believe anyone would even suggest how to set boundaries!! It could cost you your life or your sanity prob both!
Not everyone can get away from the narcissist. Some people are stuck and they can still protect themselves with boundaries and awareness
Boundaries have to be set if u cant leave for various reasons.
If you really want a narc to do something, tell them not to do it as a boundary.
“They know what they are doing.. it’s a very ‘functional’ dysfunctional kind of disorder.” This was absolute gold - so true.
THAT'S ALL THEY KNOW!"BE. SAFE!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉❤🎉🎉🎉🎉❤🎉🎉🎉🎉❤🎉🎉🎉🎉❤🎉🎉😊
Doesn't pay to talk after the fact because they turn the blame all on you. Very manipulative. If you wanted darts thrown at you....I walked quickly out. Anything negative that comes to their mind that is downgrading, evil. Block them and never look back, raise them to God.
“You’re disrespecting yourself by staying in this conversation.” So true. ❤️
Benefit of the doubt can be very dangerous if you're not careful.
So true…..I gave that to several narcissists for years……no more
@@godzillamanstreb524 yep. Me also. No more.
@@cjk7063
B
“Give ‘em a chance….” If a restaurant gives you all kinds of clues not to go to it why would anyone go? Just to be fair and support them? No thank you.
I just realized recently that I was projecting my empathy on others and that we need to see others for who/what they are.
“Charisma is like heavy perfume covering up when you didn’t shower “ described the malignant narcissist I divorced.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing
To exist around him the victim has to get used to fawning, suppressing your true self, feelings and emotions.
giving in , forgiving, forgetting all of his abuse, being submissive and subservient to only his wants and needs
Sounds like my relationship with my mother lol
Sounds like a gigantic smelly child who needs to be dragged off to a gigantic bath by his ear, then be SCRUBBED behind those smelly ears... 🤣🤣🤣
@@sboland1016 😄 mine, too!
mangi
ina jordan
A mirror of my life!!
I didn’t know I was actually with a narcissistic man until I moved in with him. It was a freaking nightmare, he was always blowing up over the smallest things…like a human tornado. Always blaming me for everything, never taking accountability for anything, cursing me out when things didn’t go his way and minutes later act as though nothing ever happened, never would apologize, every time I would try to talk to him about how his behavior was affecting me he wouldn’t listen. He once told me that my crying when I was upset was a form of disrespect towards him. This man was so evil, I always wondered why most of his family had shut him out…so now I know. I’m a empath and it literally took God to get me away from this man. He put people in my path that helped me to move out of this mans house. I thank God every single day for saving me from this man. Thankfully I only lived with him for 6 months, but that’s 6 months of my life I lost dealing with this man. He said he loved me but I know what real love looks like and feels like and his love was toxic. I’m in counseling to help me heal from this soul destroying and always angry person.
The Lord is awesome and good! God bless you in your healing~
I feel you, i scape recently one exactly like this you are describing, he actually beat me bad, in those blow ups for nothing and last one he slap my two ears and rupture my eardrums, doing a CT scan this week cause i have blood behind my middle ear and can’t hear as tinitus is coming and go ever since.. i am still running.. yes thank god you have strong to make that decision and leave.. i was almost 6 months and was recently moved in his house so i have to leave all my stuff there and run for my life.
I’m so glad you recognized it sooner rather than later and got the help you need to get out. I was so naive when I was younger, I had no idea what type of personality traits spell narcissist. If only this education on this disorder were available to me then. I have spent over 20 years married to one who just keeps getting worse with age, not mellowing with age like most of us. Finally, woke up from the gaslit fog and process is in motion - moving out and divorcing him. It’s making him crazy that his hoovering tactics don’t work anymore. I am the breadwinner in my family and he is freaking out as his claim for spousal support was denied due to the proof I had worked on gathering to prove his abuse and prove his years long secret affair with his 1st cousin (can you believe he is STILL trying to deny that?!?!?). You can’t make the story of what I have lived through up. But I have learned, it is never too late to break free. Once you wake up and see all for what is and that you don’t mean anything to them at all except for what they think they can get/take from you, start recording, start searching the house when they are out ( look for proof of their insidious behaviours and outside sexual connections in the places you would least expect to find it ). That, and a lot of therapy, is how you take your power back and break free. Don’t worry if they come out of the breakup overall financially better off than you. The money doesn’t matter more than your sanity, well being, and happiness. Love yourself because your narcissist never will.
I also moved in with a man who within two weeks started becoming mentally and verbally abusive. I left after only being there 3 weeks. I didn’t want the rest of my life to be controlled by his tirades and grumpy moodiness.
Ive wasted 10 yrs !!! What did you pray? My family doesn’t want me to divorce- I’m miserable -he is the biggest liar Ive ever met-
“ Feels better to be alone than with someone and feel alone.” WOW! This is one of the most powerful statements I’ve ever heard ! Thank you
My mom says "better to be alone than with a jackass(her former husband, my Dad, whom she divorced, best thing she ever did! I was 11!
I am 59 now! 😀
This is a slept on comment
@rossferguson5786, This is what I told my last partner (pretend partner). I told her that I would rather be alone than to be treated this way (avoided for a month, lied to, and serially cheated on). I had never broken off relations with anyone by telephone before, but I really needed to close the door, and she was not available for an in person meeting.
I did not have the proper sense and fear to lock that door. I would see her in the neighborhood occasionally, and greet her. She would not engage in conversation with me.
Five years after I broke it off, I ran into her on the street, and literally crossed the street to avoid her. I was feeling vulnerable at that time, after the death of my covert narcissist mother, which was for me a tremendously sad time and a great liberation from my delusions about love. She called me and left a voicemail later that day, in which she asked if I was still interested to give her a call. It took all of my will to decline to respond to her.
"Don't share your wins, your losses or vulnerabilities"
So accurate. Also her comments on how vindictive they will be if you leave. I wish I knew this. The divorce was awful and has taken over 3 years to recover from.
Never let them know your real intentions. They ruin lives. I know two of them.
What's nuts is my narc ex left me because I got pregnant w/ the baby we both said we wanted and he turned on me immediately. I let him go terrified, shocked and disgusted at the realization of who and what he was. I had the baby on my own and foolishly let him try to coparent. Ten years later, he is still furious with me. For what? I think ultimately because he knows I know exactly who and what he is and he has no control over me.
I had to learn this. So sad but I understand better now. End the relationship and move on forever. Take time to heal and never look back.
The thing about shutting off empathy, and using pure logic when dealing with a Narc, is not about being cold hearted. It's because you can't trust your feelings, after narc abuse.
So True 👍
Four years after my one and a half year relationship with a narcissist and I'm still validating myself and my experience by watching these videos and reading books and articles. Sometimes I feel like a paranoid drama queen but then I remember how terrible I felt during that time and how no one knew what I was going through but me, I was the only one who could validate what I went through and get me out of the situation. Not having anyone to talk to about it really had an impact on me though, and I think all of this research into the topic helps me process things out loud and with people who had similar experiences.
Agree
This is so true !!! Had no support during My time of Uncertainty ! 🙏🌎❤️
Read “power “ shahida rhabi
You wrote my exact words, 3 evolution, "feel like a paranoid .... but then I remember ...and HOW NO ONE KNEW ..., , Even telling others - no one really gets it unless they have experienced it! (We will be the ones better able to listen and EMPATHIZE, from now on, when/if someone is relaying their experiences, to us, w/ a N}. It's been 2 years removed. I'm still weeding through it and I can't stand the thought of still being in these feelings on my death bed! Thank you for sharing. Good luck to us!
The fact that few persons gets this is the most appalling thing about this all. Even trying to raise awareness is met with disdain. It's as if MANY want to absolutely cover it all...like this is absolutely not happening OR...
Are we hitting too close to their own doorstep and fear keeps them from listening. Only another person who is or HAS gone through it want to even talk about it.
PEOPLE! We just want someone to hear and understand us, not fix us or asking for anything...just some empathy and maybe steer us to a place that will REALLY help us. So far, the only place that truly offers an ear and help to navigate the system is...
Domestic Violence Centers, not the shelters.
Never ever heard the word sorry in the 35 years with mine. Life is amazing now without him.
Mine says sorry often followed by a "but" an eye roll than "you're just too sensitive "
Or "you're always picking at me"
" If I'm this bad why are you even with me?"
I left my marriage of ten years knowing this wasn't love. He's not a bad person, but I told him that in our entire relationship, I'd never heard an actual apology, that everything was always my fault, the blamegame, the gaslighting. I chose not the spend the rest of my life married to someone who treats me like that. I may end up alone, but whatever. It never occured to him that I would leave.
The three chances thing works, and here’s how:
First time - it’s a learning experience. You educate them on how you feel. Pay attention to how they respond. If they negate or brush off your feelings, it’s time to go.
Second time - it’s a brain fart. Habits are difficult to change, and you get a chance to see if they know and understand your feelings. If they negate you or say “that’s how I am” take it at face value and it’s time to go.
Third time - it’s a choice. They choose to negate you…consistently. No more discussion. Just go.
Yeah no. Don’t educate any man on how to be not abusive!
Don't look back!
That concept of staying involved and being played by a narcissist because we "pity" them is so profound and just answered a pressing question that I'm having in trying to break away from a narcissist that I'm in reality pitying! Thank you.
Yeah, that one definitely hit home with me too.
Yes. I have had my close family member. The Narcissist that I felt pity for and gave and tried to help until it almost broke me.I really almost lost my sanity. I see now why everyone else had jumped ship and bailed out. She kept saying her boyfriend was losing his hair and going bald and I told her I know why he is and why he left. Before you drove him into insanity.
Fuck the pity. So tired of this bs that they get absue. Done.
Me too always thought because he wasn't grandiose he wasn't a narc. Also so like my mama but couldn't put my finger on the magic!!
Pity is so dangerous- it's why women end up in graves when they give one last chance... Pity is a pathetic reason to stay in a relationship, it's Oedipal and disgusting. Do you want a mature partner or do you want a romantic relationship with someone you see as a helpless child? The latter is called p3d0philia and you need to go.
If you absolutely have to “deal” with a narc, I would recommend to keep firm bounderies, and keep your distance at the same time. As a second choose on how to deal with the narcissist I would recommend keeping firm boundaries and also to correct them every time they missteps, lie, manipulates etz. When your boundaries are not respected by the narcissist, you need to follow through with consequenses of bad behaviour. You will have your hands full going forward this way. When following through with consequenses to their “re”actions, you explain to the narc, that you are not one of the narc`s victims. You have no intentions of becoming one but will be a nuisance to the narcissist in a way that is irritating to him/her. This method is not risk free but narcissists will often choose the path of no or low resistance. This method is a time consuming path to chose. This route sometimes require more time than you would like to spend on these issues. You feel that distancing yourself all together would have been easier. That is however not always possible. Often there is no way to avoid him/her. You unfortunately have to deal with the narcissist because you are colleagues or close family. You must think through what you need the narcissist to respect and what arias of conflict you must pay extra attention to, to keep your integrity and to detect manipulative behavior. Be prepared and clear in your communication and stick to your guns. Try to stay under the radar as much as you can, even when this method is the best for you. A way that works as well is to play along with the narcissist and act like you agree with everything they do and say. This method works well until many people in the narcissists sphere do the same. When everyone agrees with the narcissist you are back on square one. The narcissist must have victims and this setting is no different. To go NO Contact is another good alternative and method, and is probably the best option when it is possible to cut all contact permanently. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire above private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
ATTEMP IT. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
This is interesting. I did this in my last relationship before I realised he was a narcissist. Mainly because I was staunch with my boundaries and knew how I wanted to be treated. I think it was too much work for him and even though it was me who officially ended it, he was giving up. So glad I didn’t move in with him or anything.
2007 my therapist said write “the reasons I needed to leave. So valuable to pull out once in a while for years. As no contact continued, there was amnesia to the unhealthy abusive behaviors. When that abuser bond crept in. The list was life saving.
Wow that was my aha moment was, I made a list it was two pages long of why to get rid of him and I moved back in my house these toxic people are dangerous for mental health and I’m steal reeling in physical pain it’s been a few days but these videos helped and I had to text him I wish you well, because he wouldn’t answer his phone so I blocked him forever. Luckily I have cameras and security systems so I feel somewhat safe.
@@kylielogan8771 were u able to stay away from him? It's been a month. :)
Yes,the list saved me from going back.
I use to always give people the benefit of the doubt until I learned what narcissim was. I used to always try and see the good in people. I am so glad my eyes have been opened through the help of Dr. Ramani and others on UA-cam. Thank you as always for your wonderful work!!!
same
@BAM303 we can still give people the 'benefit of the doubt' except, not allowing trespassing on our own boundaries. The more we know our own self, the best we know others. If we focus on our self transformation; value, respect, kindness, compassion, discipline. Then we do not allow them to treat us differently. (My own observation.) Best regards.❤🌷🪷
‘Charisma is like wine… You gotta know what you’re drinking.’ I love this analogy.
This lovely woman ❤️ taught me how to survive in a hostile work environment surrounded by 6, yes 6 narcissists. 3 were owners of the company, the other 3 were their flying monkeys who also had very strong narcissistic traits. They targeted me right away. At first I thought they were racist so I was guarded and boy did they hate it. It was fascinating watching grown men behave this way so I new I had to study them to survive and than I found this lovely Dr.
Thank you so much
Still surviving!!
Blessings for you Ralph stay strong
It's very unlikely that you were in an environment with six people with the same severe mental illness.
I appreciate you so much. I was nearly 65 years old before I understood what a narcissist even was. I had been married for thirty years to someone who met every criteria of narcissism you’ve mentioned. Back in the 70s-80s era, life was confusing. My church was saying women should be in submission to the husbands. I can still believe in this, but let’s face it, a narcissist spouse is going to take full advantage of this principle and misuse it terribly. Also, during this era, people often said, “There’s two sides to every story.” So, I examined myself far too often, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and reading self-improvement books and collecting recipes in hopes of finding SOMETHING he wouldn’t complain about. And then there was the assertiveness training crowd. Their belief was that you can train ANYONE to respect you and treat you right by adjusting your own behavior. (The implication is that you have to demand respect and then you’ll get it - that you are not even worthy of respect until you do - well, let’s see how that works with a narcissist.) and then there are the kinfolks who look on their beloved and automatically assume there is something wrong with you if he is not happy or is searching elsewhere for the love (that you were never even allowed to give.)
As for journaling. I recall that when I journaled in detail, remembering every unkind word toward me during the day, I would become so furious that it scared me. It is interesting to look back on this, because aside from journaling I could just cast these insults and rejections out of my memory and become virtually oblivious.
In my experience judgmental Christians are the worst about narcissism. They just want their lane clear.
@Ursala agree💯‼️I'm so sorry. Your post is so concisely written and accurate; I saw myself walking through my own timeline. Believe me, through the grace and mercy of LORD, I'm alive; and there is healing.
I pray, as it is written, in the name of Jesus, that your joy is full. John 16:24❤🤗 🌺 🌷🪷🌻(these flowers are for you!😊
@@Dani-cg9hn God has protected and provided in incredible ways. I have loving grandkids and a nice place to live. Life is good and God is great!
I hope you have found more supportive people after all you have been through.
@@camellia8625 I have! I worked with wonderful people in a very interesting and fun job in the twenty years before I retired. And you know grandchildren - they can be very supportive!
Being on time is a common challenge for ADHD individuals. Understanding how to arrive on time is very difficult for this neurodivergent group even though they have great respect for you and your schedule and they seriously do not want to disappoint or inconvenience you.
The problem is based on their challenge to understand the time requirements for the variety of different actions that are necessary for prompt arrivals. They deal daily with a bouquet of challenges that are difficult to solve with a divergent brain.
I have severe adhd and I’m always punctual or early. I set timers on my phone. It can be done.
I have to and I am always late. I feel so bad with it, shame is so tricky for me so much
Due to ADHD effect I have problems with relationships as my brain 🧠 is just involved in something else and do not feel the time. So please do not judge
ADHD is a spectrum and for all of us can mean something different, challenge us different ways.
@@srest-hn6zuIt's almost like people with ADHD don't all have the exact same set of symptoms. Wow!
Dr. Ramani.... as usual brilliant points !!! ✔️
My take away: Sometimes we see what we *choose* to see in the person, instead of what is REAL.
I had a narcissistic friend that took advantage of me for years. I finally have done a lot of introspection and have gained control of my life- I lost weight, graduated college, got a new job, and her brother and I fell in love, something she initially “set up” but was then upset when it actually happened - I could just watch her seething with hatred for me during every positive moment of my life because she’s out of shape, insecure, and has unrequited love for someone who doesn’t want her and is in a new relationship. Yes, I used to feel sorry for her too until I realized 1. She doesn’t have friends, she has victims, and 2. She doesn’t do the inner work to have the things she desires (doesn’t exercise or eat healthy, doesn’t discover her weaknesses and work through them, doesn’t know how to have healthy relationships). She just blames everyone else for her problems and is overall just a big negative ball of hatred. I am glad to finally cut her out of my life as much as I can.
Dr
CBT was an amazing game changer for me. It made it so much harder to manipulate and twist my reality. I became boring to toy with cause I was firmly rooted in reality and aware of what feelings of mine were valid. No arguing anymore, simple statements and focusing on feeling good in my life, doing what I want to do 🙌🏽
Welp…I’m jealous of you
Same here. I've become much more observant of body language and actually hearing what they say and seeing if they follow through with it. Certain things are very black and white now, no more murky water
This is good. It's hard to get thru the mind games. Then when I finally did he tried to convince me I'm gaslighting him and the narcissist. No I just said I can't feel alone anymore. Feels better to actually be alone than with someone and feel alone.
That is exactly the way I felt and been alone is absolutely wonderful 😊 ❤️
❤️🙏🏼
That is very true
I would gladly be alone with me, myself and I, rather than deal with being lonely with the narc. I'm lonely by my choice not to speak, listen to or any other interaction with the narc. Can't tolerate how ugly, mean, contrary, old, fat, repulsive, terrible & unpleasant, nasty and grotesque he is. I get all sorts of physical ailments when the narc walks thru or is in the same room. (Which I avoid, avert, reject as much as possible.
I actually did have to gaslight my ex-Narc to buy time to get out when he turned violent. It was so easy- I learned from the BEST lol... I put him into a tizzy with zero effort and thought "wow I've been falling for this for 3 years, ouch." It took his focus off harming me til I could get to safety and it totally worked. Codependents should learn a thing or 2 from the experience. Flip that script and escape. Your life is worth it even if your parents NEVER validated that.
I love this video! I got out of a horrible marriage where I was isolated and lost myself. Going forward I can spot Narcissist at work and dating. I'm giving up hope of ever meeting a normal NON - NARCISSIST person. I can spot them early enough to extricate myself but I want to stop attracting them.
Me too! I need a coach walking with me through my life to explain what I'm doing to attract them constantly. Just today, I realized another one got into my life. Older lady, talked with her three times now at pool. She cuts me off mid conversation. Said I needed to lose weight today! I barely know her. Unbelievable.
Focus on your boundaries. What you are worth. Do not compromise on those. When that work is done- you will know your worth and they will stop coming. Peace and love dear sister. You are worth it.
💞💞💞Boundaries! Narcs hate these! Affirm yourself daily in the mirror! (Mel Robin's High Five Habit)😊 Love & Care for Yourself!!
@@taffylove6193 - so true - just had a message from a close family member who is a narcissist (possibly malignant or even a psychopath as they feel no shame and remorse that I can see - delighting in the pain they cause) and they said how I had been unfairly controlling our relationship for years.
Yes, because about a decade ago I started understanding how they were gas lighting me and using emotional memories, and lies (the whole "well so and so knows you're a @@@" nonsense), to get me upset, and to start fights.
I still succumb now and then, but 9 times out of 10 I am able to serve their bullshit back to them and not get riled up, by changing the subject. On the occasions when I bite we end up having a huge fight, fall out, and then I get the long messages regurgitating everything from our childhood onwards. It is only through watching Dr Ramani's videos that I've come to realise that the fights are the point: there was me thinking we could actually resolve our issues, and I could persuade them to see reality. What a twit I have been!!
I'm considering having no contact ever again, which is heart breaking because this person is going through a lot right now and my heart tells me to help them (which I usually do), but my head and my long suffering partner are telling me to stay away.
@@honeychurchgipsy6 You are ultimately in control of you...HOWEVER...They don't care if they initiate your distruction & have a funeral. I have lived in ICU on a ventilator & feeding tube...On a Friday, my Dr. was planning on sending me to a nursing home. I cried out to God & told him that I wouldn't go...On Monday am, my pulmonologist came & gave me two thumbs up! Thankfully, he was paying attention & noticed that I could barely give him thumbs up back!! I went to rehab instead of a nursing home...💞💞💞Please be very careful!! Some people believe that "they" were poisoning me for their entertainment. REMEMBER TO THEM YOU ARE PREY....CAT & MOUSE...💞💞💞Sending you Love & Protection!!💞💞💞
I spent a lot of time treating my husband the way I wanted to be treated. I was crushed when it finally dawned on me I was money to him. He was throwing out my things or pawning them or selling them at yard sales OVER MY OBJECTIONS. I should have divorced him a LOT sooner.
One thing that I take away from this interview is how contact with narcissists changes us: growing up with narcissistic family members has made me a less decent person, and I need to acknowledge that.
I now understand why I am not willing to be truly intimate, or vulnerable, or non judgemental, to those closest to me. I have learned that it is safer to create a bit of a shell around myself and not get too close to others.
I am trying to be a better listener - but when being a good listener in the past meant spending hours hearing the narcissist's vitriol towards others without ever being able to say anything in their defence, because that would trigger a fight, it's hard.
I have become disengaged because that keeps the peace - except it doesn't because a) the narcissist wants total compliance and even your refusal to engage is seen as a betrayal, and b) there is always that time when I slip and say the wrong thing - and then - Kopow - 4 hours (or even on one occasion 12 hours) of arguing.
I need to be the person I used to be (ironically, when my closest narcissist was able to manipulate me), to those who deserve my empathy.
Maybe not the person you used to be, but maybe more the person you want to be.
I guarantee that if u can remove urself from under that weight the narcissist exerts, you will change for sure, but eventually u will discover that the person u bounce back to being will become a different person again, as you discover who else they really are...
It is so so so good that you can see the consequences within urself of the scarring that narcissists leave behind them. Narcissists are multiplying and breeding these days, in DROVES, so the trauma they leave behind is everywhere now... and on everyone...
Narcissists are humanity's endgame, we can only go down from here, and this is how we know we are getting closer to the end...
Yes it's like they do not know any other way to communicate or exist than to fight, and they don't even know why they are fighting, they just know they gotta win!
So, I will often just come out and say "look I can see u want a fight right now, but I'm feeling too good to fight today, so if u want 1, go find someone else to fight with coz I'm going over there, alone. You are welcome to join me if u want to have a friendly conversation, but not if u want to fight... that is all..." then u smile genuinely and deeply, peaceably and happily, and walk away. They will try to drag u back and u just keep repeating what u said... if they're not a malignant violent type, eventually they will just give up and often they will come back in a better mood.
You are teaching them that u will give them supply if they behave within certain parameters, but not if they go outside those parameters.
It’s truly the worst thing and I am sorry that you’ve had those experiences. It’s upsetting to grow up and be raised by people that completely break you down and make you live in a constant state of fear. I hope that you can heal and feel safe in yourself and ultimately be around people without fear of getting close. ♥️
Thank you for telling it like it is for us and how hard it is to actually change these “survival” tactics because they really do interfere with intimacy.
It sucks to accept there’s a high likelihood we just can’t get better quickly enough to “outrun” the overload of narcissists in the dating pool as we get older. The narcs are the ones leftover for us to choose from. Sure… we can recognize them quickly, avoid and move on… yippee!!! Sam Vaknin warned years ago that when we’re healing / healed, all we’ll see are narcs everywhere.
It’s deciding to accept your own narcissism, codependency, emotional reaction vs response that ultimately gives way to understanding someone else’s. That’s when we’ve got a chance at truly connecting.
My stance is still NO CONTACT with anyone that gives me ANY indication they’re using grooming statements about their exes, providing ANY future faking BS, or following to a TEE the #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder pattern.
Nobody is really patient enough to show you who they are in ten dates anyway. If they’re all about instant gratification? Buh bye.
@@leighatkins22 yeah, that sounds like a horrible idea! GTFO.
I agree friends can help point out behaviours they see in a narcissistic relationship to remind you what is normal in a healthy relationship BUT it's all in the delivery. When your friends get angry at you when you're still with the person, it makes you withdraw from your friends and then you end up greyrocking your friends so you're not attacked from both sides!
You need to feel supported and accepted when your already vulnerable.
Its because they don't understand.
Perhaps you need to show them empathy and kindness and respect. Greyrocking your friends because they care that you are being controlled and manipulated by a narcissist, is evident that you are part of a distributor of harm, destroying good or potentially healthy relationships.
Yes. My friend helped get us out.
he uses friends against me because they believe him. and i’m in a wheelchair sooo and hardly leave the house sooo…
I never get enough of Dr Ramani on your show ☺️
Me neither!
No contact feels like heaven🥰❤️🙏
This has helped me so much my relationship was so toxic and made me question my sanity I was being gas lit and manipulated lied to and was hurt really bad , as a man I've always seen women as the fairer sex and always tried to be a good man to everyone never had the experience of being with someone narcissistic I tried to save them all the while they were drowning me
“I tried to save them all” sounds like something a narcissist would say. Who are you to save anyone? I’m finding that some narcissists claim to be victims of narcissists themselves.
This message is for someone who needs to hear this and will fully understand it... You are not define by your circumstance or your past. It’s not what happened to you that determines your success in life; it is how you deal with those circumstances that determines your success in life. You are strong, you are capable and practice forgiveness (Forgiveness is for you; forgive your parents or anyone whom we have chosen to hurt us, to begin the process of healing and freedom. Remember: Forgiveness is for you to be freed, healed and happy. It’s a RESET BUTTON) and practice gratitude everyday. This will change the course of your life forever. Love you always and I believe in you wholeheartedly no matter what ✨❤️ - Nat
I agree you should practice gratitude every day but as for the rest of this messaging, I've been watching all Dr Ramani's videos for three years now and much of her teaching would seem to contradict the main thrust of the above, depending of course, on how you define 'forgiveness.': ua-cam.com/video/3MgQLLJQoAU/v-deo.html
💜
ua-cam.com/video/avWHSG4C-uU/v-deo.html
🥰
thankyou very much for this ❤ I needed this today
My ex was late for 90% of our dates and most of the time he said it was because of traffic. The truth is he just couldn't leave in time. Well I'm glad he's my ex now.
They love crossing boundaries. It's a game of power, control,manipulation to them
Strong charisma makes me take many steps back...
Being charismatic is something someone does, not something they are, and for that reason i much prefer the quieter person, not the quietest, but certainly not the person that throws themselves at you like that, becoz the next question should be "Why are you doing this?"...
Dr Ramani is a legend!
I have a controlling friend, she made a big deal about the punctuality thing, but that was when we first met and she didn't quite understand that as a truck driver there is only so much that I can schedule ahead.
She was very pissed and did the punishment bla bla but that stuff doesn't affect me.
When we are together she does her low key stabs at me and she always sees me as somehow inferior, but in reality I am actually smarter than her. I can tell how she mirrors me, but in all essence she is so riddled with anxiety and inferiority complexes that I remain being friends with her because my influence on her has helped her be a little freer in life...when you understand narcs and what causes their anxieties etc then you can just go along because they will just have to learn and understand that you are not their property etc...I just kinda have to brush over her critical comments etc. I am a pretty confident independent person so since I know I am the bigger person I have no problem to play the interior part to feed their ego bla bla.
If she can't accept me some days then that's not my issue...she has to take a whole bunch of meds and in reality I kinda feel sorry for her.
I am a free Spirit and I love when people can be free and I can be happy with other people's successes and accomplishments being happy for other people actually only increases your level of happy 😊 and narcs cant understand why I am so happy...it's because I focus my thoughts on the positive things and I just love free acceptance interactions ☺️
We just have to learn that in life not everybody will accept you
I have the same mindset: I’m very strong these days despite narcs attacks - at 68 I’m pretty much done with appeasement and putting up with shit. If they want to try hoovering I’m ready for that. It’s tricky and I navigate with compassion.
I can relate but have no tolerance for narcs. When a friend thought she could gaslight me and give a fake apology, blaming me and giving a false narrative, I cut ties. I don't see the point in staying attached to someone who thinks its ok to make me into their doormat. I'd rather have friends I can feel comfortable with and aspire to be like, rather than pity
Oops there's a copy of me somewhere in this universe 😅 sending hugs to all the women who suffered this unbearable abuse, I'm here to learn cause I wasn't in such a relationship so taking notes helps you avoid it also ✌️
@@ginajabbour6021 Smart to take notes! I am sure videos like these were key in finally getting me to recognize the signs and run. Wishing you wisdom and courage
So you actually think that you are better than her? You did your fair share of stabbing her here in this comment? Or what am I missing?
1 year 9 months later, I'm finally being myself again, being happy, connecting with another. It was a long road. I cried now right before she said she cried sometimes that she was safe now. I felt like that after my ex left, that I was safe again & in peace & quiet. He made me scared when he was really mad & wokeup, that he would still be scary. &, it felt good to not fight with him always & for hours. &, it's funny HE called ME a Narcissist! & toxic. Because I was reminding HIM about the bad things HE did to me.
I love that she said they were lessons, that's how I felt, that I would never accept that behavior ever again!
& yes, I kept allowing him to come back & reminisce, then disappear again after a few days. I 1st wanted to love him because he was so abandoned & broken & rejected.
My mom told me that he's always miserable. He recently told me sorry (not sorry) that he
My first husband is bipolar my second husband is a narcissist if I can survive those two catastrophes anybody can. 👍🏾👍🏾
Well being bipolar might not harm anyone, especially with proper meds
@@discipulaaeterna4389 right I can control mine without meds
Wow
Narcissist are worst . Bipolar have souls and empathy .
@@kimberlyshmaruk2128 right I’m bipolar but I do have empathy
I was not informed and didn't have the necessities to leave, but left without knowing what I was dealing with however I'm really impressed having this load of information on what I went through.
LEAVE
OMG I tried for two and a half years with a narcissist I didn't know what he was until I was gone for 4 months I left him because my intuition said get out now get out before he kills you that's why I left so I don't think there's any gray area with narcissist I think when an empath is sucked in drained financially drain mentally drain physically I think you know that's what I think anyway
I’m actually living through this right now! Damn This hurts my heart to hear but I’m getting stronger daily! It’s sad!
Children in narc family structures learn to adapt by people-pleasing, entertaining, and fawning over their narcs. It's so reflexive they don't even realize they do it to get through life and they attract the narc relationships that way.
I've had (not a psychologist of course, but sounds a lot like it) a narcissistic room mate in an apartment of 4 people. He was more of the humble world is against me type. He'd clean a lot more than we did when he first moved in. Also sharing his food and stuff. Later, he would just take food out of the fridge without asking and no longer clean at all. He would also not pay into cash box where'd pay 5€ a month for cleaning utensils.
So we asked him nicely about it, several times, he'd always have excuses that he has no time. (Most of the time, he'd just socialize instead lol). The problems continued, the apartment would be dirtier and dirtier over time. None of the other organizational stuff works with him. So after asking him nicely about BASIC house work and confronting him, not acceppting his excuses any more, he'd turn aggressive most of the time. Always blaming the confronting person, what bothers him about them. He'd always try to push the argument onto the other person, telling them that they're basically the same but being sooo aggressive and he is not aggressive he thinks about them as team work.
The second strategy was to be a total victim, that he has no money, that he has to pay for his driver's license and it's so expensive and stuff like that, and highlighting, that the other person doesn't even know what that feels like, because they go through something the other person can't even comprehend (and therefore, shouldn't ask him to pay on time lol)
We had several conversations like that, at times he'd throw anger tantrums in the apartment, because every standard you try to establish he'd ridicule with "paranoid" (when you accuse him of stealing stuff) "autistic order" (when you wanted him to keep the kitchen clean) and stuff.
I can tell you, the more effective your boundaries are, the more they are going to lash out at you, talking behind your back.
I was the most confrontive about my room mates, not accepting a single time he'd take my stuff, sooo he stopped doing it with my items eventually, but continued to take my others' roommates stuff lol
When we kicked him about, he talked really bad about me to the next room mate, warning him that I'm not the kind of person I seem to be like. He also stopped inviting his friends over when the problems with him continued, I guess this was so he could have his version of reality in check and disguise the problems that exist with him.
Btw he got kicked out of his last apartment for the very same reasons but we figured that out later, by accident, after he moved in.
It was just amazing how he was not able to change. Always asking for free stuff, trying to have an advantage over people or their money or their work that they put into the apartment. When their system doesn't work on somebody, they are going to punish the person for that.
I had to make my roomates aware, actively aware, how he was repeating his excuses, how his excuses wouldn't make sense (he had no money but bought 3 cups of BJ ice cream the same week) and more. Now he lives with his girl friend together and I feel so sorry for her. But good thing he is gone.
I love the enthusiasm of the interviewer!
I have watched this conversation with you both at least three times, and I have gotten something from it each time. Very powerful validation for someone like me that has had a horrible experience with a really bad guy. For someone to be so awful to another human being , it has been a real challenge picking up the pieces. You are truly a real inspiration. Thank you
He disappeared in the middle of the night never to be seen again in a remote island in Thailand, ripping my heart straight out it's heart socket, leaving me completely demoralized having removed any shred of dignity that I had left, after 2.5 years of it all being a complete and utter lie. He had been text messaging his new supplies disregarding and calling me crazy in the attempt of having them like him more by putting me down. He is a shell of a human being and once that was made light to me, he threw me away as if I was a peice of donkey dung. Never again. Thank-you for spreading the knowledge. These people will tear you apart and run you down until you do not recognize yourself anymore. So much devaluing. So many insults. So many emotional injuries. These people are able to destroy others' lives purposely or not purposely. The worse thing is that they do not care. And they enjoy seeing you suffer. They reap pleasure from causing you pain and making you suffer. They are not human. They are led by demonic forces. No more. No more. May all narcissists karmically get what they deserve for all of the grief and heartache and sorrow and destruction that they reap onto others.
I love Dr.Ramani she confirms that we injured souls have the right to be who we are without appology..
I absolutely love this channel I am learning so much everything the doctor therapist is saying is all facts I have been single & Celibate now for over 4 years and many have said cruel things about me being alone when in reality I am at my best peace away from harm hurt pain and danger from a very abusive situation I was married too.
Congratulations! You are doing Self-Care! What a loving thing in this day of our age. Keep true to yourself and your true soul will guide you. Bless you and your family.
Single & celibate for over a decade!
I’ve had to take this in little doses. My “BFF” is a narcissist. We’ve played these games for 40 years. I’m the one that can lose my temper and be chastised for it. I ask her granddaughter if she ever seen my friend truly mad 😠. The granddaughter’s reply was no, she just makes you feel guilty or below her standards.
I feel very alone at this age with it being hard to make close friends.
Trust your intuition. Good friends are a godsend and help you have balance. Just pay attention if you see warning signs on new friends you meet. I remember what one of my dearest friends says "kit kats are the most popular candy" meaning most people like to share. Many people are nice. I love my friends. They are a comfort and joy to me. With them I'm not alone. You deserve a few really good friends.
I understand- just remember God's love is here for you in every moment and it's so much more than any 1 human could ever give you. Allow it. Feel it. Let it heal you, dear little child. You deserve all the love in the world. And then there's rescue dogs to be the cherry on top, yay!!!
This woman is about a Genius in speaking on this subject; she’s modern and good with jargon and lingo and knows the subject in perfection.
I absolutely understand the idea of giving away your vulnerability passwords. In my relationship with my ex narc I shared with him that my mum wore the pants in our house and we all hated how she used to steam roll my dad. My ex would later use it in any instance where I would try and assert myself, calling me Mrs Baker (that’s what everyone had to call my mum) and saying that he’s not a simp like my father. It was so hurtful, especially since my father passed when I was 16. It makes it very difficult for me now to be vulnerable, I used to be an open book, but now I only have a few close friends and tend to keep to myself.
:( sorry lynette
"The narcissist doesn't like to lose". I see this now, in hindsight. I just went through a very brief "getting to know" phase with a person. It seemed like this really intense connection that was all butterflies and lollipops. They were so CHARISMATIC and very attractive...always pulling people in ...walk into a room and draw everyone to them. They dropped me like a fly , out of the blue. I noticed a flag a few weeks in...I colored it a mellow orange at first, lol. Now I know that it should have been red af. 😵💫 They dropped me when they were done with me....when I no longer served them. In the beginning of "us", I felt so seen and heard. I had the best things to say about them in the beginning. As weeks went on, I def started seeing things I didn't quite like. And then, there I was, giving them the benefit of doubt bc they had been through some things (including the death of a spouse 2 yrs ago). I now believe that they lied about some emotions resurfacing, regarding their late spouse, as an easy "way out" .bc they knew I wouldn't really "fight" that. I want to say that I feel used, but really, I feel manipulated. I was manipulated. I wish the bell had gone off weeks ago and I would have stopped communication then. I think I feel sort of stupid now bc they were able to control the situation by dropping me, but then another part of me NOW feels relief (now that I'm past the emotionality of the "rejection")....In the grand scheme of things, was it really rejection, though? 🤔 I have been sad for weeks, crying to my friends. Today, I am better. If anyone can suggest a free virtual support group, just so I can talk to people who can relate, I'd appreciate it. Thanks for reading!💚
We're really struggling right now, we are a DID system and grew up with years of many different types of abuse, and then later we married someone who we have come to believe is a narcassist. On the flip side sometimes we worry WE'RE the narcassist and can't tell if we were just gaslit into thinking we're the "bad guy" or if we genuinely are narcassistic and are just constantly viewing ourselves as the victim. We don't want to hurt people, but we seem to often. I know talking to a therapist is what we should do but that isn't an option for us because of financials and location.
Narcassists don't feel guilty for hurting people. Like Dr. Ramani says they do not care, and they don't feel empathy. I'm not a professional but the fact that you are worrying about being a narcassist and "don't want to hurt people" says to me you care about others so... When you can definitely try to get to a therapist, they can help sift through and heal from the damage that your narcassist did, plus the other trauma you mentioned. Good luck to you. 💜
I do not want to snuggle up with an arrogant mean person, who has narcissistic behaviors of a six month old crying infant, after they have finised screaming at someone to regulate their emotions. I refuse to be scapegoated, abused and controlled, period. I control my own behavior. I self regulate it. By the way, a six month old can't talk yet, nor can they pretend to get their way. They are truly innocent and they need to be cuddled. An adult needs to learn how to be self reflectve so that they can enable themselves to self regulate, to acquire their own healthy behaviors and behave healthily toward others persons.
The question "can you truly be happy in a relationship with a narcissist?" Is a silly question in my opinion and I am sure Dr. Ramani thinks the same. The answer is NO. Of course the doctor doesn't want to just flat out say that but with all of her teachings that is basically what she is saying; you can't make a relationship work with these type of people.
Doctor Ramini - you are so helpful to me!! I love what you’re doing for us survivors!!
The best revenge is to live well and no contact is amazing revenge
This is a very important speech, should be required viewing in high school for psychology class!
I can listen to Dr. Ramani talk for hours ❤
They want to draw you into a fight because you have a lot of power you're strong Dr Ramani.
So this is why….
Going no contact helped the grip he had over me. 8 months out I still get nightmares waking up in utter anxiety like being put back in that relationship. Looking back I don't know why I put up with it, journalling helped, my relationship with myself in terms of self-love helped me move away from that unhealthy relationship. I can't recognise who I was back then and who I am now. I am still battling the aftermath in my head of being in a relationship w/ a Narcissistic person. Dating is a far cry away. Nobody gets it if I explain what Narcissistic relationship is like they almost look at me like I am from Mars. All I can say is it's peaceful now.
Having lived through narcissistic abuse for 11 years, and had won my battle against it, is like having awarded my doctorate degree in Psychology.
I can't wait to be alone most of the important relationships in my life has been draining and toxic.
I can't express how much clarity I have gained from these videos. My ex is aggressively insinuating himself back into my life after I made it quite clear that we are done, yet I find myself feeling sorry for him & actually giving him the time of day. I feel so much stronger in my belief that I am right to feel queasy about talking with him & has empowered me to stop replying despite the guilt.
Be careful to not let his hoovering influence you ❤
Be careful, engaging when they Hoover can be super dangerous. It's like you're giving them some control, then taking it back. You could die. No contact is the only way to go. As in, completely blocked, no contact at all. If they are some kind of family member, you need to gray rock the hell out of them. The end.
The thing that got me thru my divorce with a narcissistic sociopath was reading "Women Who Love Too Much." When it said to look at any meetings with them to look at it as a business meeting. That's what worked for me. But, I SO wish Dr. Ramani was around, because it wasn't easy. Thirteen yrs later and I'm shaking my head at all of her videos. She always nails it.
My narcissist straight up told me that humans don't have inherent value, which shows me how insecure they are in themselves.
Dang
I was out of town when my 13 years narcissist partner left me for another. I felt so deceived and hurt. This has been helping me to heal myself. I had no idea. He also has Lewy Body Dementia so I was blaming all this on the disease. Now I know it was both Narcissist/Lewy Body Dementia. This women can have him. I have dodged a bullet. So happy to have my life back. Now going through a divorce with him. Thank you for posting these and explaining narcissistic behaviors. This has helped me so much to get my life back to healthy.
Great interview. So many nuggets of knowledge, understanding & wisdom, which may result in self love & healing. I’m 63 and only now beginning to understand the dynamics that have made my life miserable, despite my accompaniments. Thanks, so much, again. I really appreciate you for helping me to gather my broken pieces and fuse them back together with gold.
the best UA-cam about narcissist relationship recovery.
Charisma is like wine, you gotta know what you're drinking! My new mantra!
Two words: thank you. Thanks to this incredible interview I have finally given my relationship a name. I have finally found out what exactly my partner is. I have finally found out that I am not alone and the right push and explanation and reason to be able to leave (and not feel any guilt about it). Hope the energy this has given to me is going to stick enough. Thank you so much
Leave. I allowed myself to keep going through this for 12 years not knowing what was truly happening until recently. I’m so broken, save yourself from the turmoil. It’s not worth it
@@2012lolamommy I did after 24 years and almost died...only alive because of my faith in JEH God...he reap what he sowed..he lost me...
LEAVE HIM. This is not a coffee chat with the new age lady and a Dr. Its your LIFE!
My ex-husband meets the criteria. [Although, I did pick him...]
A friend of mine is a clinical therapist and warned me throughout my marriage of little things that I just continued to look passed. My pride almost kept me in that sickness indefinitely. If it weren't for me getting sober and doing a lot of introspection, I would have most likely not made it out alive.
It took some years for my compassion for others to be restored, I can relate a lot to the "compassion fatigue"! The mental anguish from that relationship really took some time to address and heal.
I'm so grateful for the experience [now] because it showed me how to set effective boundaries, and really learn myself and what LOVE looks like.
Omg gonna have to listen again and make notes so I can implant this in my brain.
Serving up pain, another gem!!!!
It is not just learning. It is reaffirming and congratulating myself on how I trusted my gut .
Yes!!
40:11 I literally thought that exact thing when deciding to get a divorce, “the devil I know vs the devil I don’t”. But decided to leave.
I believe narcs also evolve, they learn how to fake genuineness so well and live such a fake life that it gets very confusing to understand them.
I wouldn't necessarily label someone as a narcissist just because they're frequently late
Maybe they have ADD or ADHD, or executive disfunction?
Definitely! My mother was chronically late and the farthest thing from a narcissist. We have to be careful about generalizing in all aspects ☺️
They weren't implying that
I agree! My best friend is frequently late because he has so many obligations and things thrown at him! But he is a lovely human being! I think it depends if he or she has other traits and how frequently they manifest.
Yes! See above ^ (my abnormally long comment), I do have ADD and generalized anxiety disorder which have always made it difficult for me to be on time. And some habit.. I can remember sprinting to the next bus stop in the morning because I was too late to get to my own! I've always been mortified by my lateness. A narcissist I suspect, would not care. Actually, one I dated even used his "leniency" and his "extraordinary patience" regarding my lateness as a tool to keep me thinking, "Aww he respects my biggest vulnerability.." This enabling acutally caused us to be late on many occasions (something upsetting to me for multiple reasons, but was his benefit to keep me "under his thumb") it was distressing to be late when he truly didn't care (about an occasion or my progress with being punctual). And wow-
...this ends up being a great example of why not to show your greatest weaknesses to them!
The moment when you realize your wife of fifteen years is a clinical narcissistic even if the more mild type. There was a time when she finished every argument telling me would leave me every day then pretend like it ever happened. So many insane, psychotic breakdowns. The manipulation, the rejection, the unreasonable, insane fear of criticism. Coupled with my codependency and fear of rejection made for catastrophic incidence.
We have worked our way through it for the most part as we were young when we met and a real, loving relationship helped evolve us beyond our childhood emotional traumas.
And I’m positive it was her parents, drug addicted, who gave it to her. Same for me. Behaviors still crop up but it’s amazing what love fifteen years and having kids can do.
Love Dr. Ramani! Trauma after trauma, as an introverted empath I am like a drug to these cluster B toxic people. Knowing I didn't want the toxicity in my life wasn't enough! I needed to know what the "face looks like" so I could avoid it like the plague. Dr. Romani is one of the integral people who taught me what I'm looking for & how to recognize it so I can stay away & keep myself safe from having to experience the trauma again. It's so incredibly important to watch others, actually listen to what they're saying and do not make excuses for them but take any negative signs at face value. It's not one small red flag but when you see one signal here, another sign there, questionable sketchy things coupled with someone that's rather intense and forward very early on... don't walk, RUN.
I love this woman! She has saved me!!!!!
🙏🏼yes
I love how timely videos are. Dr. Ramani's description of how a narcissist dismisses your hurt or experience by saying i didn't mean to first as opposed to acknowledging your hurt and then explaining their intention happened to me at work minutes after she described this. I stood up for myself and drama ensued. People stink, get more dogs.
I feel so lazy In bed watching videos since 3am it’s 8am and here I am
Fred Rogers got back into doing children's shows because of hearing of an incident of a child trying a towel around his neck and jumping out of a window attempting to play Superman in ending up killing himself.
Narcissists use holidays, anniverseries, birthdays etc to abandon you and make u feel bad to the max, and they do it every year without fail.
So knowing that's gonna happen, plan around it. Pick a date and use it to leave if that's what ur looking to do. Let things go the way the narcissist will take them, but this time when they go, take action...
And they know better bc they don’t do it (usually) in the earliest stages of the relationship. It comes later after it’s been established.
It of course communicates a lack of valuing the relationship and partner but I think there are other reasons as well.It can’t be about others in addition to themselves, harboring guilt OR using it to guilt trip. To punish for past or present perceived of real slights.
I’d love to hear a diagnosed NPD explain why they feel the need to $ hit on holidays when initially they were merry, jolly and pleasant. If you don’t like holidays? Don’t participate or expect others to forgo theirs.
@@macnchessplz Agreed... and yes, it would be interesting to hear 1 explain it without lies. But tbh, we already know why... it's coz they know these occasions have significance to us and they are annual markers in our minds, so anything they can do to disrupt their memory means we will struggle to wash them from our minds.
Dr Ramani is very Charismatic by the way 😅
Thank you, for this informative and helpful video. Been watching all morning and pause and come back . Each time is a revelation. I just hit a year of no contact and the advice of waiting a year is so true. I am still realizing parts of me I had lost . Xoxoxo
Not only a great psychologist but great speaker also
I wish I had this lesson 15 years ago!!!!
Couldn't be at a more apt timing. Thank you for the tips, planning my next solo trip:)
This is so educational and truly a life saver...I may be a magnet for narcissistic relationships... I feel like my friendships have been based on my own fear of not having friends because I am realizing how toxic many of my friendships and family relationships are...Thank you so much.
Yes😊😊😊
I was in a Narcissistic relationship for far too many years. Everything Dr Ramani said is so incredibly true . I wish I had heard this long ago. I hope more people listen to this and heed her advise. I have worked very hard to get back to who I really am and it is liberating. I Love the advise and understanding she displays in this recording. I love this woman and respect her ability to allow herself to be vulnerable. Thank you Lisa for having her on. I know she is helping many many people with this podcast!!! ❤️❤️
Yes, it's the pity that does us in! They harness that and make themselves into victims and project their negativity onto us. It makes it tricky but eventually their mask falls when they gaslight you. Finally learned to cut and run, despite the pity and guilt they tried to place onto me.
Yupp😔💔
I stood by my husband for many years and stood by his side while he went through his own battle of demons with alcohol & drugs and he would constantly go back and forth into recovery programs for like 3 to 6 months and than get out and relapse and all hell would break loose and he would turn into a monster and I dealt with all of his abuse of drinking drugging lying and cheating in till I got the nerve to finally pack up and just leave and never look back it's been 7 years now and I have been working on me now for the past four years and it's a wonderful feeling like graduating step by step this process has been my best change ever!
If your relationship gets BETTER when you PULL AWAY, that's a sign to leave. Saying this to past me 4 years ago. No, you didn't "crack the code" on how to get her to finally be nice and friendly to you and stop criticizing you. It was a sign to leave.
Here is the best thing that you can ever say to any narcissist.
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