Session 3 | Beverly | In Therapy with Alex Howard
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- Опубліковано 9 чер 2024
- This week, we’re looking at anger. Many people believe that anger is a “bad” emotion and that it should be avoided, however feeling anger is fundamental to standing up for ourselves and protecting our boundaries. As you’ll see from today’s session, if we systematically avoid feeling our anger, it can have adverse consequences.
Alex Howard is a London-based Therapeutic Coach dedicated to helping break the stigma around mental health and helping people make real, positive changes in their lives. Alex is also the creator of Therapeutic Coaching and founder of The Optimum Health Clinic and Conscious Life.
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Website: www.alexhoward.com
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Content is produced, directed and edited by Oliver Halls (Instagram: @oliver.halls) and Rachel Forbes (Instagram: @rae_forbes).
00:00 Welcome to In Therapy
00:16 The theme of anger
1:14 Reviewing Bev’s journey
2:44 Being triggered by asking for needs to be met
5:19 Recognising the inner critic and its backlash when you’re growing
10:50 The importance of going at your own speed
15:28 What you want in life is shaped by your beliefs about yourself
20:14 The power of your anger underneath sadness
23:05 We teach people how to treat us
24:57 Moments of anger and annoyance are normal
27:00 What do you believe about anger?
31:30 Connecting love, joy, sadness and anger
37:55 Giving permission for anger to arise
43:38 Making friends with anger
48:37 Saying yes to you requires power from your anger
50:14 Welcoming rather than venting your anger
53:41 Alex’s tools for addressing your anger
58:46 Alex’s takeaway and what’s next on In Therapy…
Thank you, Beverly for your courage in doing this in front of a camera. It is hard enough to do privately without a camera in attendance. Also, thank you for your honesty. I found myself nodding my head a number of times as you expressed something. You remind me of myself (I am 79 years old.). I found the entire session to be useful. I think as women we have a been taught that anger is definitely not "lady like" and that we are to be "good little girls". Hopefully that is changing because I believe we have much power to bring into the world.
I am also 79 and so agree with you. I also am learning to bring my power to the world
As a child of the sixties, totally related to this. Good girls don’t get angry! Had an aha moment when Beverly said that she feels stuck and doesn’t really know what she wants to do or where to live, that has been exactly and still is my experience! Thanks to Beverly and Alex. 💜
I think my anger built up in childhood from being treated badly by my mother and not given a voice. I found anger has turned into depression. Especially in Britain, anger is seen as low class and so we stuff it away.
I feel that is a really good point… anger into depression. If anyone is interested Dr Jonice Webb a therapist who writes about emotional neglect. She also feels people who have a tendency to feel sadness strongly… don’t tend to touch into anger. Those who feel anger more so don’t tend to get in touch with sadness. Some emotions fuel and guide us… but we don’t have to set up camp and stay in them. Aaahhh childhood .. the gift that keeps on giving. Keep well.
Yeh we push the anger down / de press it and it becomes depression. I agree. I was abuse when I was angry so I learnt to depress it too because it was unacceptable. I’ve approached the NHS mental health team for anger management (rage being a symptom of cptsd) and u start soon. I have no faith that anything will help but that’s fear talking. I hope you find healing continuously because you deserve it.
@@madamdardistry The Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube for lots of advice and resources. I also use resources by Sandra Rolus, Marisa Peer and Melanie Tonya Evans - guided meditations. I have paid for a couple of courses too. It's a lifelong process I believe 😢. Good luck 🙏❤
Anger is seen as low class in Britain? Still?
oh yes, being angry is very working class/low class STILL @@frenchbutter
Thank you, my childhood was similar, I don't feel anger. I'm not good at putting boundaries in, I often think everyone else is just more confident than me. The go at your own pace was really helpful too.
Thank you so much to you both for this episode. I've spent my whole life being the good little girl and keeping the peace. Never being angry at those abxsing me 😥 I was told to never cry or talk about what was happening or they would kill me 😭 Alex listening to you talking about boundaries and having never been given the space to do what I wanted, really spoke to me as I've realised that I can't relate to my anger either. I have always pushed it down as I was told that I don't have a right to my fexlings. That I was only a child and my job was to please others and sxtify their needs or I would be pxnished 😥 I'm sorry for crying, thanks for listening.
I got triggered deeply with Beverly's sharing around the devastation she felt when her parents told her she had to break off with the Irish guy that she has fallen head-over-heels in love with. I felt the pain in my heart and I began to cry ... and I welcomed it ... and I've learned to understand that my tears are healthy and have been calling it healing tears each time they are triggered to flow. Don't be sorry for crying, Claire Smith ... it's good for you ❣
My relationship with anger has been suppression and bottling up untill my 40s when I started to have these uncontrollable explosions that would shock myself and others around me
This is such an important episode for me, thank you Alex and Bev. My relationship with anger is complicated and yet I've always known it was important for me to learn to use it as the fuel to help me set my boundaries, but felt unable to do so. I've saved the episode so I can come back to it whenever I need a boost to remind me. One thing I thought of was that it might be useful to explain boundaries in a way that was more than just 'saying no' in the literal sense - whilst that may be implicit some might not understand that it also encompasses other things that affect you or behaviours by others that is not acceptable.
This episode was empowering for me today. I felt like you were both inside my head today. This has been my complete feeling to the extreme this last week. I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why my anger is so strong. I’m trying to keep it inside yet it is boiling over at the wrong times and affecting everything I do. No one understands how I feel, I am not able to say no, I’m not even given the opportunity. This is causing more anger and I’m losing my ability to control it. I just felt every word spoken today. Thank you
I can tell that she has done a lot of therapy because she has a lot of the terms and ideas that most therapists use and has not worked for her. I hope that Alex’s methods work for her. I hope that you get to the clearing and discover who you really are and enjoy the rest of your life! ❤
I am really enjoying the longer format. I am enjoying the reflections you are offering back to Beverley.
Amazingly rich and dense session! And nearly a perfect replica of my relationship with anger! So useful to have it all reiterated, explained and reframed after having worked through the HEART program. Thank you Bev and Alex, I relate 100%, and the approach is a really great reinforcer of the journey I'm currently on 🙏🙏🙏
Powerful episode. Thanks Bev and Alex. I learnt a lot.
Well done Beverly. Poignant stuff.
Thanks to Bev and Alex, this episode was powerful and timely for me!
That was very helpful. Anger has always been dangerous for me. My mom had a lot of anger and you never knew what she might do when she was angry, and it scared me. So I try to avoid my own anger.
Same thing happened to me in college in the 60s. I was happily involved with a Catholic boy….and my mother told me that if married him it would kill my father. So without a second thought I ended the relationship…heaven forbid I should kill my father!
That is really sad for you & him
After decades of therapy and healing, I only now can see why I've struggled with boundaries - I was trying to get rid of or control/quiet all anger!! Being the nice little girl meant letting people be mean to me!! I need to find that anger again, sit with it, and let it show me where I'm still letting others treat me badly. Thank you!!
I love this lady and her inner strength. Hoping she’s ok (that’s a nasty bruise on her hand).
Beverly could pretty much be me, or visa versa. Very timely! Thank you both.
I can really identify with Bev. Thanks for this.
So glad that you two get to explore this together. You both express yourselves very well. Therapy can be a roller coaster of emotions. Often after a session the body catches up with us and you can get flooded or blind sighted either hours or days later after talking. I found Dr Peter Levine on somatic experiencing very helpful. Building resources from others and their help is really supportive. The positive side of UA-cam and others generosity of knowledge. I hope Beverly gets to ‘cut loose’ and live for herself - without guilt or shame. It is lovely to see her have a good chuckle… it keeps the madness at bay😀. without pointing my spin on things I feel her sadness feels to me like .. heartbreak. Sadness as an emotion can come and go but heartbreak feels… entrenched and personal. I hope Beverly realises how well she is doing and Alex recognises his gift as a therapist. Say safe.
I can relate almost 100%, incredible! And therefore it's soooo useful to hear this conversation.
This was such a useful episode for me. Thank you! It has helped me see the ‘normal’ and positive aspects of anger as a motive life force that is boundary-protecting-and I really liked the idea of befriending it as part of life.
Oh, such a great episode, especially fragment about joy and fun, thank you both.
Very grateful to Beverley for her openess and honesty.I really can relate to her story,so similar to mine
Welcoming my anger helps.
Rumis poem "The Guesthouse"
With love and gratitude
So helpful ...I've always sometimes anger buried under shame and guilt. I've been learning that anger is just another of many emotions that rise and fall for reasons. I am learning to be mindful of the emotion and how it feels in my body instead of immediately trying to suppress it. It's like doing reps in the gym...but I'm seeing shifts in my relationship to the emotions I learned were unacceptable.
This resonated with me so much; I found it a particularly helpful episode. Thank you both. Keep going Beverly!
Family really can make us “crazy” again and bring up old feelings of anger and sadness etc. I think Beverly is becoming so self aware that she will be able to silence her inner critic more quickly and enjoy her new “freedom” of accepting and loving all of herself.
thank you
I've had years of therapy myself and it was interesting to see how different this was from what I've experienced. I'm used to much less talking from the therapist and more focus on allowing the feelings and giving them space to be expressed fully rather than focusing on analysing. I can imagine that the cameras may have an impact on how the session would run. I'd be very interested to hear if this is how a camera-less session usually goes for you? Thank you for sharing this example, it's great to give people a taste of what therapy can be.
Beverly is such a lovley woman
Where does this go towards a solution? I appreciate the sharing which echos similar experiences, but what does all the talking and analyzing do to move forward? How did the talk session help?
I'm struck by just participatory Beverly is. She really wants this shift, and she ain't gonna let anything stop her, not even herself.
I struggle to relate to (though not to the inner critic stuff. That I've been through, and is mostly controlled now,) but to the *not* getting angry and/or showing it.
I spent most of my life angry, and showing it. Absolutely spewing it at ppl. Appalling behaviour. After MUCH inner work, counselling and therapy and finding the Lord Jesus, this side of me is now (mostly,) under control. But still not where I would like to be with it. Sometimes I just get so mad. 'Luckily,' this is just at myself now at home. (I live alone.) There might be some punching of my sofa cushions or a random deep scream, ha! All stemming from the frustration of also being stuck, but because of ME/CFS and it's damned limitations.
I'm REALLY hoping we can get back to some of the M.E/CFS recovery stories/therapy sessions too, maybe in the New Year? .. I guess everything in its' time!
Great session both Alex and Beverly.
Merry Christmas to you both, and the OHC production team!
I echo all the other comments!🌺🌺🌺
I was treated the same I lost my temper big time when this kid started picking on my so called brother I was hitting him with a dog lead because all the pressure from being not treated right have cptsd and arthritis and have pushed down my anger because I'm to scared to lose my temper after that time i hate myself for the shit life I have. being manipulated so much all my life my so called mother let her son abuse me and I knew at a very early age that something wasn't right I just want to close my eyes and not wake up
I wonder if the Irish guy still thinks about Beverly.... i bet he does
I hope by a miracle he sees this video
I bet he's traceable through Facebook ;)