Trauma And The Avoidant Client
Вставка
- Опубліковано 21 лип 2024
- Trauma and the avoidant client. In this video, Margaret goes in depth on the avoidant attachment style and discusses both what she has read from the field along with her own personal experiences with clients. The avoidant attachment style develops from certain lived experiences in childhood and is a way that people learned to survive in the world. Having a deeper understanding of attachment styles can aid in understanding your personal relationship dynamics and lead to a healthier relationship.
Get Craig's help personally: www.askcraig.net/take-action/
Get Margaret's help: www.askcraig.net/margaret-1/
Craig's workbook series: www.askcraig.net/workbooks-1/
Get Started on the Creative Healing Course: courses.askcraig.net/ - Навчання та стиль
Hey everyone, This is to give you some warning. I have very limited spots before I take vacation for the holidays. Sign up for a coaching ASAP. I don't want anyone to be surprised if it's not available!
There is always something wrong with them
I only like them as friends
And my case was very different. Like you say every relationship is different r and every break up is different. He was too invested in his marriage which broke after 20 years. I guess after that he became avoidant. we hardly fought like twice in 1 year still he told me my anger is the reason why he left me and would still contact me even after break up😅. He stopped contacting after I became too clingy. Every call or text from him was a hope for me. Too painful !
Dear Craig can you make a video about people that had to breakup with a partner because poor disrespectful and repeating breaking trust and go no contact please as must of your advice are for the people that was left but not for those that left because bad behavior of their partner, what do you do when you left, you still love but you decided to stand for yourself against a selfish, no considerate and disrespectful partner that put no effort to the relationship, please make a video about this as deeper seems to get taken to dust to stand them for themselves and seems to be blamed for all the bad in the relationship when this is not always the case, people cannot be expected to stay in relationship where the partner make no effort, look down on your when you speak , are unfaithful or disrespect you openly by going on date with other people when they are supposed be with you, please make a video for us that love but hey we got to also love ourself
Hi Craig just wanna ask if an avoidant can feel being taken for granted. Because according to your video an avoidant doesnt like the feeling of too emotionally attached but the feeling of not taken for granted seems to me the opposite as it seeks for attachment. My ex has told me that I took her for granted but her behaviour after our separation matches the characteristics of an avoidant, which is feeling independent, feeling cold and at one point as if I dont exist as a husband.
I must have listened to this fifty times now, and I have read Robert Muller’s book. RIP Margaret Foley. What a human being!
The way my avoidant broke up with me was traumatizing. It's been 6 months, I've been going to therapy, and still, sometimes I just cry in the middle of the street, or I wake up crying in the middle of the night. It was all so unexpected, we were (I thought) so happy and in love... until one fine day he said he felt too vulnerable with me, that he was "a man who was alone in the world," and refused to even see me in person any more, getting more and more hostile at my insistence to talk in person. Three weeks later, he informed me he was moving to another country for a year, without any reasonable explanation at all, which he did. It's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. I'm not anxious, but this has left me reeling. Part of me wishes he would repent and apologize, but I don't even know how I would react any more, after he has caused me so much pain.
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues..
Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p) ??????.
Same as mine
Almost identical situation to mine, how are you coping with it all now?
@@n26c88 Hi, I just saw this. Well, I ran into him at a work event, and his reaction was the final confirmation I needed that he has mental health problems. He saw me and he literally ran away, leaving the event! More or less what he had done on the phone, but now in person, and many months later. So it made me sad, but it made me confirm there is something deeply wrong there, and that I can't fix it.
This was a great video! My ex is avoidant and became more friendly after breaking up with me. It’s because they still want me in their life but without the obligation of too much closeness.
Same
they need to check if they have bpd or any other disorder/illness. people don’t know until get it checked and find a therapist to give them advices or diagnose them
There should be a support group for people who have been involved with avoidant attachment style partners.
Need a support group for actually BEING an avoidant. It's no fun having this attachment style and we don't mean to be intentionally cold to people.
Unfortunately, mainstream YT coaching circles see DA's partner as superhuman being with unlimited emotional resources, that has to do all the work. What is worse, they often (subconciously?) support DA's perspective, that classifies you as Anxiously Attached at any slightest sign of your expectations for fullfilling, reciprocated relationship and needs. Mainstream professional psychology on the other hand doesn't really know or know very little about this topic. They are just focused on typical, well known cases and on mechanicaly using well known schematics in dealing with them.
@@iloveTool will they join, though? I tried to get a friend of mine (clearly an avoidant) to read a book on attachment theory in adults, and he refused, because he said he wasn't interested in having a real relationhsip.
@@kubadevarsovia2839 mechanically? There is indeed research on adult attachment. Im not sure why you're saying this. Can you explain?
@@sivanandayoga2801 Yeah that's unfortunate. We can be stubborn. I've def had those phases of "I don't need anybody!" Eventually though I think most avoidants realize how empty life is without companionship/love.
I’ve watched a lot of videos on the anxious/avoidant trap. This one was amazing.
This is/was very impactful. Thank you coaches! As my avoidant fiance has been the cruelest EVER and has told me to never reach out to her again... after 4yrs of engagement and shortly after breakup (3 months later) she sought out new love affairs. Tore me up!!!! But I have not moved on with anyone. Just being social and doing personal growth.
I feel sorry for you 😔. Mine decided to break me apart after 8 years of relationship and told me he doesnt love me or doesnt want to marry me either. Despite me being constantly there for him, waiting for years so that he returns after his degrees gets over. Long distance relationship was something I thought would workout but it is same for everyone, I wasnt an exceptional. *sigh*
everything that was described in this video sounds very similar to my ex GF who just broke up with me recently. I was very invested in our relationship, but she was very distant. She told me all about her past childhood trauma and how she wants her future to be, but she would never talk about the present. She was living too far in the future and too much in her past that she forgot about the present. When she decided to break up with me, she told me that I wanted too much of her time and all that. I couldn't really believe it. I really felt like everything was all my fault and I was stuck in that loop for over a month. I am starting to feel much better now, but I really thought that everything was all my fault.
She was living too far in the future and too much in her past that she forgot about the present. Very well said!!!! Mine would do the same thing. What if's!
My ex is avoidant. He keeps saying he wants to revisit our relationship, but then backs away. (We broke up 3 years ago, and dated only for 3 months). I'm an anxious attachment style, but have learned through your videos to give him lots of space. He told me he may never be ready to date not just me, but anyone in general. He said he's "broken". I told him all I can do is give him space and be there when he reaches out. He said that was the perfect answer. What does he mean by "broken"? It seems that dating avoidant people just isn't worth it. And yes, everything Margaret said about being told "you're too clingy", etc. is very true.
8:18 is a big, big thing to keep in mind when healing from a breakup with an avoidant. Took me many months to really grasp that concept.
Fantastic video.
I have CPTSD, and this accounts for my Avoidance attachment style in life. I've ran from every relationship, finding faults, problems with the person. The only one I absolutely adored, wanted to marry ran from me. I had a breakdown, never got over & miss him to this day 25 years later. Weird how it flipped. Both unhealthy. I'm doing self work every day, had therapy, trying to face my issues.
It's very interesting how those attachment styles change. When my avoidant ex broke up with me, it was traumatising. From anxious, not super strong, but still anxious, I started to be more and more anxious with every day. Now after 2 years after break up and dealing with all mental health issues after that, my attachment style changes to avoidant. Did anybody experienced anything like this?
@@aishasuleman1008 Could you describe it a little more? I'm not sure if I get it.
Fresh from a breakup with one I loved dearly, but I've never heard about becoming the same attachment style like the other partner/ex. This is a first. Perhaps a scientific study can help.
I've watched literally hundreds of various videos trying to understand my breakup months ago. This video has been the most helpful out of all of them, thank you.
He was very paranoid. He would push me away and I would say ok I am going to be busy about my life. Then he would get mad. It was so weird.
Its important that we get this out in the main stream ....
I think its more common that we think .... its true .... my DA wore the most perfect mask .... everything was ok 😔
She’s says if you love an avoidant what should you do Craig: panic Margret: Yeah run in the other direction 🤣 😂 🤣
You guys ❤️ so much helpful content, I've been through an absolute shocker of a break up, but have surprised myself by how resilient I've been about it, and it's been a brutal journey so far, but I'm growing 💪 . This channel has really helped explain things and is so soothing and reassuring in those moments where I'm finding it difficult. I skyped with Margaret recently and she was great, and took time to really empathise with my situation, as well as pushing me into thinking about things from completely different angles. You guys are doing such good work 🙏❤️ and for anyone reading this.....I'm sorry for your situation. You're not alone, and doing what this channel suggests, will help you so much.
Amazing convo! Text book behavior of my ex and relationship. This will help someone thank you
Wow! Thanks-a-milli Coaches Craig, Margaret and Victoria! You have no idea how much I needed this. I was with an avoidant style, and read countless articles about attachment styles (and where they often stem from), but those articles don't delve into the research Coach Margaret did. Thanks for sharing this info!
I’ve watched videos where they say you should reach out to an avoidant because they don’t like to feel vulnerable and are afraid of rejection. I reached out to my avoidant ex and each time he picked up right away and was happy to hear from me. We talked for a while and I even went over to his house. He said he almost texted me but got scared. We don’t talk about the relationship or what happened. I keep is light and fun. It’s been 5 days since I’ve talked to him. Hopefully we can get back slowly. When I went to his house it felt just like it did when we first started dating. This October would have been 3 yrs together. I’m just so confused on the NC! I’m hearing that if you don’t reach out they think you’ve lost interest and will move on because you’re losing connection with them. Like I said, he’s always happy to hear from me and we talk for at least an hour each time. My ex is a very insecure person and very stubborn! It actually took him a year to even ask me out because he was so scared of rejection! This is all so confusing 😢❤
Hey guys, I've listened to hundreds of your videos over the years. I have to say this is one of your best. I know you are out there trying to comfort a lot of us whose attachment systems have been turned on their head. It hurts and eventually, we will all get through this. My ex suddenly broke up with me when things were going wonderfully. I had no idea what happen and she gave little indication of why she was doing it. This video answered a lot of that as we started to get super close in the last several months. I strongly believe in no contact but I also think there has to be a certain level of forgiveness that we have to have before we can move on. Avoidance did not cause their avoidance. My anxious anxiety was not caused by me but rather by my childhood rearing. We can either choose to be victims of these insecure attachment dynamics or we can choose to do something about this. These attachment system dynamics are not easy to change and take a ton of work, and we most likely won't get them right the first time around. Trust me, I have made the same mistakes multiple times. Be patient and kind to yourselves. Thank you guys so much, especially Margaret for her research into the latest book on avoidant attachment.
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues..
Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p) ??????..
I have been on and off with an avoidant guy for the last four years. This is a great video. I have learned so much about avoidant which has helped so much.
I asked for a sign yesterday for anything to help me see positivity in my situation that my avoidant ex would possibly come back and this video was uploaded. Thank you so much.
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues..
Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p) ??????..
This is the best relationship video that I have ever watched! Margaret is an effin' genius! I saved it and will watch it many times, I'm sure... thank you so much!
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues.
Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p) ??????
Can you do a video on how No Contact works on an Anxious Attached dumper?
Thank you Margaret this one was so good!!!
So happy I learned about avoidant attachment style as I was dating one and couldn't understand her behavior but knowing she was sexually abused as a kid by a family member it all makes sense now after learning the attachment styles.
To anyone out there if your dealing with an avoidant you have to be strong, vary patience and do not look for them to cater to your feelings give them love in doses and not smutter them.
I realise when I did those things it wet well. Don't be mad at them most of them have experienced abuse as kids mostly sexual abuse and it was not their fault.
Good luck and be strong.
This information presented by coach Margaret, was so ‘on point’ fantastic! Thank you so much 🙏😃
I love the detailed take on the research shared on this topic from Ms. Margaret!! Makes perfect sense. You folks are a Godsend.
Eh... same story again. I work with DA's partners for about 8-10 years now. This Topic is enormous and i could write a big book about it (maybe ill do). Ill try to give you some highlights: There are few things you must know, and few things you must do if you are partner or potential partner of a DA. 1st: Deep down subconciously or conciously they don't look for an initmate partner. They look for parent substitute, someone who will compensate for they nonexistent childhood and lack of parental love. From my experience this one fact is crucial to explain all the problems that occur in relationships with those individuals. You simply want someone to be your intimate partner, that someone would rather want to recreate/fullfill role of daughter/son they couldnt fullfill during childhood. Those two approaches, obviously, dont match up. How will that end? Shutdown, rejection, all the "DA's fun stuff", you name it. Now for the so called AAs. Well, this is contextual thing. When there;s DA in the background, everything and everyone looks like AA. In 9 out of 10 cases so called AA is just temporary response that comes from prolonged exposure to DA's toxic, unexpected, unintuitive behaviors and to DA's cocktail of mixed messages. The problem with you so called AA is you think you are immortal, have all the time and energy in universe and you think you are ubreakable, the worst thing is you gladly fall for this kind of thinking. You're not. You have limited emotional resource. Sometimes DA starts realising something, but usualy it's "too little, too late" for the other party, because the resource is depleted already. I've seen this on too many occasions. This leads to another thing you must know: There's no strategy for you, no way of fixing this. You can't fill up the black hole, no matter what amount of mass you throw into it. Only therapist can (has some chance, it's not assured) help fix this. Existing, widely promoted in YT videos strategies are more or less instructions how to walk on eggshells better and how to lower your already low expectations and call it a day. This only leads to your own personal disaster. Now things you must do. You have to realise that at the end of day all of the above, if they love you or not, if it is about you or not, doesn;t realy matter. At the end of day you need reliable, adult partner, someone who will carry out life with you on the same terms who will make you happy and who you'll make happy, who will be not a one big emotional minefield or a fragile system to maintain. At the end of day you need to ask yourself "Do i feel loved?" and act accordingly. Focus on end result. Knowledge and understanding has never hurt anyone, but in this particular case/dynamic you don't really need these.
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues..
Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p) ??????..
Thanks for sharing this
Thanks for sharing!
Very insightful thank you. It matches with my DA ex when all she wants is to be a “little” to a daddy dom and do bdsm fantasies and downplaying romantic love and intimacy
❤️❤️❤️ I keep on watching your videos. So relaxing ✨ Thank you for the research Margaret.
This was the most insightful video ever 👏🏼 go margarita!
Wow this was EXACTLY the video I needed. I have watched tons of your videos but this one really hit home - it described the exact situation I had with my ex on and off again for 3+ years. It was so validating to hear that I did the right thing when I told him that my mental and emotional health were suffering in this dynamic and that I needed to go no contact (this was after he broke up with me, but continued to reach out to me repeatedly, ask me to hang out, tell me he missed me, but then turn around and go a week without talking to me after things would start to go well again). My last message to him said that if he had a change of heart about wanting a serious relationship that looked like working on problems and building something together to let me know, otherwise I would need to continue no contact to keep healing and moving forward. I felt all the things you guys mentioned in this video, that the relationship was fragile, that it was all my fault we broke up and that something was better than nothing. I’m so glad to hear that this wasn’t all true, but a story that people often tell themselves. Makes me feel so at peace with my decision to move on when it really hurt me terribly and was something I did not want to do. Even if he did say he wanted to work on things, I’m not sure I could trust it. I felt so depressed and so anxious and those feelings vanished soon after we broke up. I’m still sad and miss him, but I’m working on myself and personal growth so I don’t repeat the same scenario in the future. So thankful for you guys and your channel!! It has really helped me a lot ❤️
Excellent one Margret - Thankyou for doing the research on this one .
All comments made by all of councillors, were very valid points 👍
I wonder. My ex broke up with me after she was exploring her past trauma. Even falsely accused me of being emotionally abusive when I adored her.
Blame shifting and gaslighting.
Your situation is very similar to mine. My ex gf accused me of being emotionally manipulative. I might have been a little bit, I won't deny it, but I was at my tipping point where I had allowed my negative emotions to talk for me. I don't usually do that type of thing. Sometimes I felt like I was just talking to myself in our conversations, and I started to doubt if we were even in a relationship to begin with.
This has been so helpful, I have been in this type of situation for 8 years and we are now In the no contact stage for a month but this time I am doing all that I need to do for myself. When and if he reaches out again I will be prepare for that conversation, thank you !
Really well put context here. Keep up the good work.
Another incredibly helpful and interesting video 😊Thank you for providing easily understood information and research on attachment styles and traits to be aware of and how to navigate each in a more compassionate way with ourselves and our relationships..I find it both helpful in reviewing myself,my past romantic relationships and my professional life as well working with children.Thanks to all three of you 😊
My ex. 10 yrs together. He dumped me in 2021. I was floored. Everyone thought us well suited. Stunned.
When i think back the problem was his parents She was soooo, aloof. Never wanted hugs off her Grandkids, shrugged them off when they went to hug her, stating
"Get offfff!!" 😢
And his dad used to tell people when my ex was growing up
"I wanted two girls but got a lad after his sister!"
WHAT a thing to say infront of your child!!!
No WONDER he grew up an Avoidant!
Excellent video this is do difficult to navigate especially when you are the anxious one the relationship. It can have you emotionally and mentally defeated.
I am completely mind blown. This is my ex to a T. She would never fully open up about past traumas and for the past year it has been an on again off again relationship. I even got the I can’t be what you need right now speech but I want to be friends because I need you in my life. I declined friendship and have gone no contact. I love her but we would definitely need professional counseling if we were to try in the future.
relatable.
You guys are awesome. Gold nuggets here! Thank you.
Thank you Margaret! 🙂
Yup I( a man ) had a long-term relationship with an avoidant female.
I had known her for years as a friend before we started dating. Unfortunately it seems everything she told me about her past relationships was a lie. All the problems she claimed he did are exactly what our relationship turned into.
I had to leave. So I lost a long-time friend as well as a woman I had fallen in love with.
Margaret, this was impressive! 👏👏👏
Love from Paris 🙌🏻
Thanks for everything.
23 years here! I feel for that client. Been going through this anxious-avoidant long distance friendship dance with the first love/ex.
Excellent video! This was explained so very well!! The first round with my avoidant( who is honestly the sweetest soul), i was totally blindsided...but he came back 2 years later (total no contact jyst because im stubborn, not because I knew what i was doing)😉with the most eloquent genuine apology....we lasted again about 8 mos., getting even closer, and this time i could feel it coming on, so i beat him to the punch and offered him " space"....its been a year and i fully expect his reappearance at some point...but this time it will be different because i know what im dealing with...takes 2 to tango, otherwise it wont work until if/when hes ready.
This really helped me. Thank you so much.
Hi Craig, wondering if you and Margaret can do a video on breakups/alcoholism/sobriety. I had an amazing relationship with a man who was 2yrs into recovery. We were very happy together. He had a lot of stressful situations pop up at once and boom, he broke up with me. Ive been in NC since that point. Hope you can get a video out about this specific topic. I feel it is something that isnt talked about as often, because I see people tend to talk more about the horror stories of relationships with alcoholics/substance abusers rather than the ones that are like mine (not toxic, happy, and a civil ending) thanks in advance.
Very helpful video. Thanks so much! 👍👍👍
thank you...thank you....thank you coaches...how very wise you are....stay blissful and please keep sharing with us your amazing insights and knowledge pertaining to modern day relationships and love life dynamics....thanks a lot!! :)
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues..
Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p) ??????.
Wonderful content...thank you so much
My ex is definitely DA. It breaks my heart but I can't save him. One day he will wake up in his 60s and be alone and although he will tell the world and probably tell himself that's completely fine and no one is trustworthy I wonder if he'll ever think of this Summer and us making each other laugh, how we talked and all the fun things we did just being together. I wonder.
*Big Hugs* Mine is also on the DA spectrum. The only thing we can do is be supportive, but it's not our job to save them.
I’m sorry Emma, I know how it feels. Two months and I’m still in pain. Going to a therapist to understand what my role in this because I saw this behavior early on. A healthy person would have left an avoidant person early on. Never again.
Hi Margaret, Craig I recognise myself in your description of Avoidant. I was I therapy for 3 years with therapist who reflected I had mixture of Anxious/ Avoidant ( fearful Avoidant) realise more comfortable with partner who is less demonstrative, although I do enjoy being tactile. Parents were both emotionally unavailable, as children siblings and I were encouraged to be independent. Often shamed, told to get out of Parents sight, also physically bullied by older sibling/ sa by another another. Trust is a massive thing and I often feel rushed in early stages of relationship, emotionally which makes me have high anxiety and panic attacks. I'm aware it's my fault not the other person as I want some closeness but not too much that I'll feel responsible for other persons feeling's..guilty as I felt as child with parent. How do I start to get secure and not panic when in close relationship.
I’m curious too how does an avoidant work on being secure in a loving relationship instead of anxious to closeness
You three are a blessing!
I've been in NC with my avoidant ex boyfriend for a month now.
Not sure if it'll work out--I love him--but this seems like too much work.
I haven't discussed attachment styles with him-but when I broke things off with him--he did mention he was open to therapy.
Thanks for this great video---it was very informative!
Merry Christmas 🎁!
This is me too ... almost three months no contact .... she wanted to be friends 🤔
"Im too romantically involved to be friends" i replied ....
Time and time again she said that i bring stability into her and her daughters life (five year old)
I can understand now and look back at our memories and smile ... im secure attachment ... ive now realised that i did ALL that i could .... words she even said to me 🤗
Has he reached out?
Me too, same here. 2 months NC
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues...
Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p) ??????
Right on. Your videos are amazing.
Do you guys have any videos with balancing life, work relationships and how the attachment styles handle this and what ways each can over come trials and learn to balance life better? Ive gotten books for over thinking, workbooks for self love and letting go of stresses but id like some of all of your guys knowledge on balancing life better.
wow 2 days in a row!! love it
Absolutely brilliant Margaret you are one amazing lady wish I could coach with you really helped me with avoidant ex after 8 weeks I get it I have to leave him alone
You guys are awesome. I want to thank you..
I’m kind of at a point now where it’s over. It’s likely done. 10 months NC, and she’s started talking to someone new. They look happy. I can’t even say it’s a rebound bc they started talking at 9 months NC.
She deleted all of her social media accounts recently. Probably made new ones.
Found that odd bc she used to love tik tok before we broke up. She used to post every other day. After we ended, she didn’t post for months at a time. but now she deleted the whole entire thing.
All ties to us are gone, even social media. It’s so sad. I don’t know why she hasn’t reached out. Idk how she doesn’t care.
Thank you for this 💗
Brilliant advice
Love you guys!!! Greetings from Arizona.
I guess my ex is an avoidant too but it’s hard to believe that he is. I still feel I could have make him stay in my life with a little less anxious behavior. I am stuck between wanting to have him back and letting him go. Still love him a lot. Thought I moved on but 1 text from him even after 2/3 months brings back all the past emotions and I again feel like wanting him back.
Be careful. My ex told me (I didn't understand it at the time) that he had a "relationship" with an ex which didn't involve any commitment. He would just call her from time to time, and sometimes they had sex. This lasted for 7 years!!!!!
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues..
Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p) ??????.
Margaret mentioned there are 3 videos for this book. I know the 2nd video is Emotional Detachment in Adults. What's the 3rd video? The 2 I know of have been by far the most helpful videos for my situation
Great video thank you
Finally someone has verbalized in a way I haven't been able to, what I've gone through with my avoidant ex boyfriend. I feel emotionally drained and battered
I’m reading Robert Muller’s book and am finding it very interesting, though I am not a professional, merely one constrained to take a serious interest in this, for reasons your team has made clear. Margaret’s distillation of its content is as lucid and benevolent as ever. Happy New Year and thank you!
I’m in this dynamic right now. Been going on and off for 4 years. In no contact again right now for 2.5 months. Every time this happens, I beat myself up initially for weeks and weeks while also “working on myself”. Just as I think I’m always gonna feel so low, all of a sudden I turn a corner out of no where. I feel like it’s at that point where the anxiety shifts away from me and goes to him. Idk if that’s what really happens but it feels like it. I believe avoidants do become very anxious at some point during this because suppressing their emotions becomes like holding a brick out in front of them. Sure you can do it for 5 minutes, but try it for 5 months. Your arms will start to fatigue. Suppressed emotions catch up with all of us regardless of attachment style. Sorry avoidants….y’all are human too. ❤️
Hi Ty
Im exactly the same as you. Its been 4 years at xmas and im currently a week into NC for the umptieth time (longest NC was 6 months) and I feel terrible atm (anxiety +++) and occasional thoughts of suicide but i also know that I turn the corner generally after a few weeks and life gets good again and almost guaranteed she will reach out again as she falls into her own anxious patterning. Ive discussed attachment theory to her and explained where it has developed as she had significant childhood trauma and neglect but her level of insight is quite poor with that typical response about her childhood being fine even though her father has a mental health diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and tried twice unsuccessfully to suicide whilst looking after her as a child due to divorce. She defaults back when triggered to returning to a very controlling ex husband who she doesn't love but feels safe with as he isn't nasty or manipulative when she appeases him and during the break up process his behaviour has been very toxic and has also used the children to emotionally blackmail her. Of all the people in the world to fall in love with I chose her, i feel like ive knocked off a significant amount of years off my life expectancy due to being flooded with cortisol and being in my sympathetic nervous response for the last 3 years.
How is it going now? I am in the same boat 4 yrs of on again off again torment! It is BRUTAL!!!!@@Ryan-yg7zc
Hi, so what happened I need to know! I am in the same boat!
This sounds so much like my husband..been only married fir 3 weeks with him year today 27/1/22.
Yes he does yes he said was my fault..he ring his family n friends when I was at work ..he stopped doing it around me call people fb etc ..
This is him 100% ...
This is Brilliant!!!!
🙌🙏
I had a short term relationship (2.5 months) he was very into me then flipped and became avoidant. He was saying I was now too anxious. I’m watching these to get him back but I’m not sure that is that is for the best.
I say, watch these videos to educate yourself, calm your mind/nerves, and work on bettering yourself as an individual.💯🤗
I did something when I was psychotic and triggered my avoidant exes trauma. She said the trust is broken and it will never come back. Is there still a chance that she can forgive me and come back? Last time we spoke 2 weeks ago I tried to explained that I was sick and didn't do it intentionally, but she said I just repeat the same thing so I can feel better with myself. It's a really difficult situation to be in. Breaks my heart. I love her very much. We were together only 6 months. I am afraid she is just over me after 1 month. It's killing me. Please help.
this s ne of the best ever videos well done and the some
thank you thank you
These break ups are a million times worse than being cheated on.
Is childhood the ONLY way this attachment trauma can happen? My FA ex fits every one of these profiles, he had the death of his young child, which created (I'm guessing) complicated grief, followed by divorce and then a toxic five year relationship. He says this is what changed him. He says that he cannot be a good partner to me. It's been a 3.5 year always loving, no fights, just lots of distancing and 4 breakups of a few months every time, not because of fights, but because I'm looking for a more committed relationship and he's scared to death.
I think it's a combo of youth trauma and adult trauma! Divorce cheating ect!
I needed this Craig .... big time ...
this is my ex 😔
.... i just didnt know .... she wanted to be friends... i said i can't im too romantically involved ..
Now in no contact ... it breaks my heart because with my new found knowledge i can understand her now ... perhaps we could have worked on it ....
Or, perhaps, she would've shut down and wouldn't have worked on it while you'd been trying for both of you. Been there, done that. Tough shit. It's like walking in a maze in total darkness, and the maze is rigged with mines after memorizing the plan of the maze drawn on the napkin. You try to walk another person through this maze by holding their hand, and they always try to either break free from you or almost deliberately lead you right onto mines with complete confidence that you're trying to do the same.
I know the feeling. I also broken up form someone with a da attachment style. We dated for 5 months. After that i learned a lot. I reached out after 2,5 moths, but he was cold and distand. I send a message every 2-3 weeks. Sometimes i've got a little respons, sometimes nothing. Now, i haven't contacted him for 7 moths, and things are silent on his part. I want to know how he is, i want contact with him. He said he wanted to be friends. What should i do? after one year i still miss him. He's my dream man, whithout the avoidant attachment style that is🤭. Please give me some advise.
@@MrSomebodyStrange This sort of viewpoint really saddens me. The absence of empathy and compassion for the sufferer is very disappointing. Though it must be said we cannot help those who are unwilling to help themselves, it must also be said that every person has a debilitating flaw worthy of the same contempt meted out to the avoidant.
Sad...
I just realized now my ex was/is avoidant. He just dumped me for no reason, via sms, told me I'm a liar, only care about myself(which is not true). It's 1 week today since he dumped me is there a chance of him coming back to me?
Here’s the thing… I’m not bashing fearful avoidants or avoidants in general and in your situation it’s no different.. these people do want love. They probably do love you. But that’s as far as you’ll ever get with an avoidant. These people genuinely lack the emotional capabilities to love someone else beyond a basic level. No matter what you do.. or say. Or plead. Or compromise… they will NOT change. They can’t change.. unless they’ve been seeking months or years of therapy. Sometimes even with years and years of therapy they don’t change… just understand it from a psychological level… these people can’t give you what you want. I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear I’ve done plenty of research.. dated a couple.. they’re all the same…
A relationship will always be on their terms… they lack empathy, the ability to compromise, any ability to
Emotionally connect…. Any ability to show up for you. They may “show up” but they’re always going to run hot and cold.. be distant.. aloof… cold… here’s the thing… they probably actually do love you. They probably do want to be with you… they just subconsciously can’t let anyone get close to them… these are hard wired traits from an early age.. it isn’t easily undone.. these people won’t change by showing them love compassion trust etc… they need to work on it themselves. They will withhold things from you, refuse to get close, physical intimacy, every conversation is surface level… these people can’t emotionally connect… they just can’t do it… unless they’re aware of their actions, aware of their avoidance which mind you, 99 percent of them are okay being avoidant… half of them don’t even know that they are… you can’t solve a problem you don’t know is there.. these people do deserve and want love… but you can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves… no matter how hard you try a relationship with them just isn’t sustainable for the long term.. it just isn’t. Your needs, wants, everything you need from a relationship they just can not give it to you.
These people aren’t selfish… they’re not narcissistic… some can be… some of them end up being covert.. but a lot of them aren’t.. people take their behavior as this… but they’re good people just shitty partners… they don’t co depend.. in their mind they feel that one should be responsible for their own emotional needs.. they strive off independence.. they’re lone wolves… they can’t depend on you and they never will..
They do want love.. as stated, which is why a lot of them end up in short term relationships or flings… they do want love but once things need to get close or next steps start being involved they vanish and the person you knew just isn’t that person anymore.. they never will be.
I’m sorry but don’t waste time on these people.. I’m telling you that you’re going to be hurt… I’m not attacking them it’s just how it’s going to be. If you wanna be in a relationship where you can have no compromise, feel like you’re walking on egg shells, having no physical or emotional needs met, and the constant fear that they deactivate and just leave like you meant nothing… go ahead.. just know what you’re getting into..
I am not bashing.. this is research and a lot
Of avoidants will say the exact same thing that these behaviors are NOT something they can control.. it’s like when your nose itches and you need to scratch it that’s a response a reflex.. same with the avoidant when they get close they start to feel love they start to need to put effort.. they will leave and disappear.. a lot of them will even tell you not to put effort… because they don’t wanna give effort back.. this is how they function…
Just know unless an avoidant is healing.. you’re in for a huge rollercoaster of a ride and your emotions will be trampled on even if you’re secure….. you will start to lean anxious believe me… these people just can’t show up. They just can’t do it no matter how much they love you or want to try too.. you have to walk around them.. a relationship can not and I repeat can not strive without open communication and fearful avoidant and avoidants all together do not know how to communicate their wants and needs… they just can’t.. I’ve seen a lot of people waste years of their life on these people.. don’t do it.. it isn’t worth it unless they’re healing or have healed…
This is a superb comment.. was in a see saw acquiantance for 4 years with a DA who in the end I left my long term gf for because I was hooked with the intermittent reinforcement and was chasing a fantasy high. After showing huge initial interest in the beginning, later as things were taking the next step for no real reason whatsoever they backed off dramatically and now I've walked away from the DA and lost a girl who really loved me. I'm now picking up the pieces whilst the DA makes a swift escape and shows no accountability. These people need help. I am so angry that I allowed myself to get involved with this person. So angry.
This is so spot on its scary. Perfectly said and so true. I dealt with an avoidant and this describes the situation to a tee. So heartbreaking and breaks your self esteem down until you have none. They pull away when you get close. It's mind numbing and will have you devastated 💔
@@luxj6324 I can totally relate 😭
Seems as though "can't" is a prominent word in this person's vocabulary. Sounds like a quitter...
Does anybody know of a correlation between being adopted and having avoidant attachment?
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues.
If I didn't have bills with my ex, I would have gone no contact at all. They aren't learning from their behavior and at that point, I can't even give them any pity. Line ups, lying, sneaky, and just all around blame shifting rather than taking responsibility.
I'm not being friends with them in any capacity and I'm not going through the emotional toll and mental games with this person again.
They gotta work on themselves just like I have to.
Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues...
Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p) ??????
十 2348109972346⛰⛰⏯⏮⏮⏯⏮✝
Chat him up now 👆👆👆
Is having a friends with benefits relation unhealthy or a sign of avoidant attachment per se?
I thought it’s up to the dumper to contact them back….
What was the book Margaret was reading from?
My avoidant was very good at making it seem like I was the problem
I’d love to see a video on reality distortion.
Search Craig Kenneth gaslighting
@@CoachCraigKenneth LOL!!! Gaslighting is the new catch-all term for verbal/emotional abuse...
No likey avoidance attachment styles...i am an anxious type of attachment style. Maybe two avoidance would understand one another..there is a seat for every saddle.. different strokes for different folks
They repel
Hi,How can I talk to you coach cray?
You have to sign up for a Skype Coaching on my website
❤️❤️❤️
Run in the other direction...lol
That's heartbreaking, abused babies don't deserved to grow up and be loved!?
My current ex relationship
No likey their disappearances...can't relate
You guys need to make sure to put SHE as well. Lol alot of she's DA's
It describes perfectly my girlfriend...
Holy mackerel, that’s my ex to a T