The AP was my pastor/boss. He led both my wife and I on the worship team. He called me his best friend and brother. Gaslighted me for months. Never imagined that kind of betrayal from the two people I loved the most. My heart is so broken. I pray the Lord helps me to forgive him.
Everyone tells us to forgive. No one tells us how in HELL you do that!!! This is the WORST emotional pain! It doesn't go away within anything like a reasonable time....bit were told to HELP OURSELVES and forgive... Like it's just sitting there on the table, ready for use 😰
Ikr? So easy to say especially when they never have been cheated on or they’ve already over their pain. But for us in the boat of misery there’s no chance in hell that I’ll forgive…..& I told him so & for him to just stay the hell away from me
Some APs do not deserve forgiveness. There are people in this world who thrive on the pain of others and target the weakness of others. They will never stop hurting people for their own benefit.
I could feel myself going into a rage. She looked me in the eye and told me to “Move On, You Two Just Work It Out”... The nerve of her. She destroys my life and now thinks she gets to tell me how to respond?!? I was furious but it was the fear or prison that kept me sane. Fast forward... I think I’m healing... it’s still painful but it’s not AS PAINFUL as it once was. I see my husbands affair partner every day. Every Day! But, I’ve moved from wanting to drag her with my car to now offering somewhat of a half smile. I realize she had no commitments to me and I’ve finally accepted that this happened. I think it’s progress. I’m moving forward.
Overcoming Infidelity Samual.... I’ve been looking for a blog that deals with the AP not letting it go, oh she and my husband ended July 2017 but he continued to chat with here til Oct.. he says out of fear of what she might do... He ended all means of contact, blocked her.. told her he was sorry, but he wanted to try and heal our marriage! She said she’d wait for him. The problem is she calls my home, not for him, calls my cell, wrote me... I would freeze up and keep praying for her, it’s been over a year, I’m feeling Anger.. real Anger towards her... I just want her to Stop 🛑 last time she called I told her I would talk with her if that’s what she needed... “ Click” was what I got... I’m trying very hard to not let it affect the growth, healing in our marriage. Thank God for Affair Recovery, and Pure Desire group , counseling for my husband... I feel so alone, there’s No groups for betrayed. Any advice? Thank you... Would change phone numbers but it wouldn’t do any good.. she works for Homeland Security, her numbers are untraceable!
I'm so sorry and glad you feel some progress. My husband continues to work in the same hospital as his affair partner. She told people I was crazy and that she was afraid of me. Afraid of ME?! Not a day goes by (one year since I found out today) that I don't think about this. Some days not an hour goes by that I don't think about it and she is afraid of ME??? It's so hard. I still don't know if I am going to make it. I still don't know if I even want to. This pain is so deep. His efforts fall short. What I need I can't find.... I wish I knew just one person who was on the other side of this that could give me some hope!
i would find out her supervisor at homeland and absolutely call them and report her. i would file a restraining order as well. there are groups for the betrayed. it's called harboring hope right here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
Overcoming Infidelity i made the stupid mistake of trying to help the AP out who was in prison at the time i found out... i visited him etc but in the end him and my wife were still in contact etc despite my help.....the next time i found out my wife left me and my three kids.....still trying to find my way.
I forgave the first affair partner. She was honest and kind. She was remorseful and apologized. The second was disrespectful. She brought that old woman (the fighter) back out of me. She is lucky i got 6 kids or i would be her ass! I come from faith. So i ended up telling my husband that she will reap what she has sown (this isnt her first married man or boyfriend she got into an affair with). I need to let go of the bond and the need to want an apology. Thank you for this video!
Initially, I was full of rage towards the others involved because I felt that they had disrespected me. This was overcome when I asked myself a very pertinent question: how could I expect anyone to have consideration or respect for me when my spouse was showing total disregard for me? The others involved were simply following my spouses’ cues as to how to view me or treat me. I’ve been able to come to a place of forgiveness for them by realizing that they were victims, too. They too were lied to and misled by the cheating spouse. I can honestly hold them blameless and acknowledge that the entire responsibility rests with the cheating spouse.
I can't. My husband's AP new he was married with kids. I hold her just as accountable as my husband. She happened to see a pic of me in his phone and told him that I was fat and ugly. And then I saw her, he showed me. She's much taller than me, fatter and looks like a really butch woman. I mean... jeez... yes, I do hate her. I'm furious with my husband. I'm in so much pain every single day. 😢😢😢
My husband is having an affair and left me after being together 34 years. The pain is so intense, that I beg God to make it stop. I would never take my own life, but at the same time, I don’t know how to survive this. The loss, the grief, the brokenness. Complete devastation. I’ve never been a depressed person, so these are new emotions for me. It’s a heavy dark cloud that never seems to lift. We are talking now. My husband is feeling intense guilt, and shame, but has feelings for the affair woman. I pray continually. I’m in counseling with my church, and it’s helped some.
But what is forgiveness? If it's not absolution or a release from responsibity, what is it? Is it just letting go of anger? In my case I just let time and distance bring me to a place of indifference. That is, I no longer care what happens with her or the AP - they're dead to me. I no longer feel the pain of betrayal as acutely, nor do I think about it often. This might not be forgiveness, but isn't holding onto pain either.
Thank you Sam, My spouses affair partner once found out started stalking me, actually both of us. Calling, texting, driving by, leaving messages at the upword amount of about 45-50 per day. We finally had to put a restraining order on her. She was so intent on pointing the finger at him that she went over the top crazy and she crossed the line. Now she has a restraining order on her. She caused her own issues, I guess. She matters none to me, but repairing my relationship does matter. Thank you to Samantha for allowing you to be present for all of us struggling with this and working herself through such crushing pain. Thank you also to you for being so candid and for sharing your story and good word. 😊
It's been hard for me to forgive my husband's AP. I was having very very evil thoughts about her and my husband. But one day I woke up and said no more. I wrote her a letter. And it was so hard but it helped me in so many ways. I never mailed it but I kept it for a while and then I burned it. I know it probably sounds odd but once I burned it I let all the rage burn up with the letter. I sometimes get angry with the memories but it is not rage and wrath anymore. I feel sorry for her to know that she is a hurt soul and would participate in the downfall of a family. I put her in God's hands and I pray God intervenes in her life and transforms her to what He had designed her to be. This was one of the hardest parts of walking through the healing process of their affair. But I know this is what God expects of me. But I thank God every day that He has transformed me because the old me would have been sitting in prison away from my family. They are more important than a lost soul. Thank you for this video Sam. God bless you and your family.
I know I need to forgive her. It’s been almost three years of personal counseling, marriage counseling, living, surviving, personally suffering, really trying to forgive and be done with her.... ughhhhhhhhh! So very frustrating...
After my wife informed me that she had slept with my friend I immediately told her that I forgave her and still loved her, then I left the relationship.
Thank you for the video blog. My husband had an eighteen month affair with a friend of ours. I was completely crushed. Six months after the discovery I was able to forgive her. It took a lot of faith and soul searching to get to that point. I visited her in person at the sixth month point asking God to walk beside me each step of the way. I told her I forgave her and that it was not my job to punish. Hand it to God is what I told myself. She is also from a religious background and I told her God would want her to be a better person, a better mother, and a better wife. (Yes she too is married.) She cried and I thought I would never have to confront her again. I set firm boundaries when we spoke. There was no yelling just clear messages. My husband and I continued recovery work one week at a time. Almost one year into recovery and I then discovered that they were communicating again. I have been so disrespected and hurt. We are involved with multiple counselors and hoping to move forward. This time is very different for me. The faith and hope that was there the first time doesn’t shine for me. There is no trust. How do you forgive a second time??
i think it starts with building the right way, with expert help with a process you can trust. having multiple counselors isn't always a positive thing and things can get muddy that way.
I am so sorry for your pain. Betrayal hurts so badly, but repeated hurt is almost too painful to bear. I’m praying for you and applaud your willingness to figure her originally, and also understand the challenges facing a repeat-betrayal. Sending thoughts, prayers and love your way and hope that this message finds you at a later time, with more perspective on what to do. The good news is if you can forgive once, I do believe it’s possible to forgive again IF he is willing to be worthy of that. I hope wherever you are that your heart feels full, even if it has been damaged and patched.
It has passed over a year from d day and today, I felt terribly after so many good months. I remembered the AP, was triggered, and cried for a long time. Nothing seemed to calm me but to rewatch this video. Thank you for taking me back to the right path.
I appreciate that you and your channel offers perspective rather than trying to drive someone one direction or another. Your videos provide options to choose from, which isn't very accessible during modern times and with plenty outside opinions/perspectives being forced upon "the betrayed." Your videos are what I need right now, as the betrayed, to figure out how to best approach my situation. I am working to understand and to forgive, even if that means I ultimately choose to leave. This process is for us, but it is also for ME. Your videos have offered a lot of perspectives from many different angles, and I believe that is crucial.
This seems just about impossible for me to do as in my situation, the AP got pregnant. All of these videos have been a God send for me, I’ve only found this channel a few days ago but I just don’t know how to move forward when the situation involves the AP getting pregnant (not to mention that I as well am pregnant at the same time.) I’m in a black hole and I see no light. 17 years of marriage, 18 years together, and after a 2 time, 5 minute quicky with an “accidentally torn condom” in a closet at work, she gets pregnant and my whole universe is completely destroyed. I just don’t know how to come back from that. When is the damage too much to be able to be repaired.
The best way to think about this is forgiveness helps you. Holding on to anger and resentment doesn't hurt them it hurts you. Anger and bitterness grows and festers and manifests into greater problems for you. Their life will not be any better or worse whether you forgive or don't. Do it for you!
I shared this with my spouse who wont watch anything i send here. It is like you are talking to 5 year ago me. She is stuck in returned fear, after not continuing our recovery work, honestly, because I didn’t know what was needed. I am committed to lasting until a divorce is finalized, and I pray she is getting help, and does see, to trust me, in our current situation in life, is vital, and our kids are11, 10 and 3 and I need my wife back, here as expats in Europe. I swear you were talking to me. Thank you for what you do and I will keep your ministry in my prayers and with His help, I will be able to reach her, to have her reach for me, again. Again, Thank you Samuel. Btw my deceased brother in laws name was Samuel. It was another sign to listen to you. I have watched many of your videos and I consider them the most useful help for my situation, of any others I have seen.
i'm sorry for the pain you're in Bryan. thank you for the extremely kind and encouraging words. i appreciate the prayers brother. thank you so much. i'll also pray for you and your situation. so glad the video touched you.
But can you make a video on how to take vengeance...I would say asking for a for a friend but the white hot rage is so intense I have inside is not setting. Am so far from forgiving...God help me
Powerful information & help, for all of us. As a Christian woman, and a broken one, God is so close to the hurting. I made the mistake of being the AP, and the devil himself is laughing in my face. I’ve taken responsibility in ending the affair, cause of the hurt I know I was causing someone else, plus, I don’t like being manipulated & lied to by a man, or anyone. My self esteem has been in the ditch for years but not enough to allow someone to continue to use me! He’s not a Christian and I feel horrible being such a bad example of one. My ex hubby rejected me & our daughters 6 yrs ago, and I’ve been in a vulnerable spot. The Lord has looked after us but I also am aware that satan waits until I’m in a weak spot, wanting artificial affection. Not blaming the devil for my choice but there is such a spiritual battle going on, one that is trying to destroy marriages & families. That’s the big picture! It’s part of the End Times. Pray for the AP’s out there. They’re made in God’s image. But like it was said in this video, AP’s will also be okay without the help of the unfaithful! And God is big enough to heal us, and meet us where we’re at. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.
Do you think it would be helpful to be forgiven or better to just never have to even see the betrayed partner? I'm just curious. I'm sorry you were in the position you were in.
Listening to you say "drag them behind your car" and such. I felt that because I hate her more than anything. If a stronger word existed I would use it. One day I may forgive her but I will forgive my spouse way before that. I will try to break free. Sucks she unfortunately works for the same company as me :/
Yeah well, my husband's AP knew he was married with kids. She didn’t tell him no. She just went into an affair with him. I'll never forgive her. I'm sorry, i just can't. I'm hurting too much and she talked trash about me. To my husband. My husband loves me and we're trying to mend our marriage. But it hurts so effin much. 😢😢😢
Samuel, I have heart for forgiveness, almost always, but this one is HARD. My ex had an affair with a friend who happened to serve with me as a deacon. He was a complete wolf in sheeps clothing, heavily and secretly courting her while eating meals at my table. I learned from his own family of his abusive behaviors, manipulations and exploitation of our church family for money. He was working the church for money while building a secret home for him and my wife. I lost a foster daughter of more than three years due to the drama this brought into our lives. I was financially devastated. He was secretly added to member accounts I paid for, like Costco. The affair all came out eventually, but the fakery continues. They left the church and started at a new church, where they’re “just friends”, but the new church seems to be perfectly okay with this. He wasn’t allowed around my minor children for two years, save the foster daughter who is now adopted by my ex. I just let that restriction be stricken this week, because as it turns out, my ex is still lying to me about the nature of their relationship. Every time I try to extend grace, I and my children are punished for it. The AP is my arch nemesis. He is 100% contrary to every moral value I stand for. He is an extreme manipulator and therefore, triggers my anxieties for the safety and well being of my children. It took everything in my power to not end this person at the beginning. I don’t want to have any tie to him, but he’s still imposing himself on my children. They are everything to me.
i'm terribly sorry Sean. yes, that is a lot to forgive. remember, it's not about restoring the relationship with him.....but more about taking care of you and setting yourself free. i get it.....it's horrendous....but it is about helping you heal, not being ok with their actions but setting yourself free from bitterness and the prison you could lock yourself in. you don't want to that prison, nor do you want to restore the relationship, but you do want freedom.
I know it's not easy, but forgiving the AP is a gift you give to yourself to help you on your road to recovery. Revenge and bitterness will only serve to keep you stuck in your pain.
I'm 9 months past DD. Since about 3 weeks ago I sunk into a deep depression, my husband is very remorseful, he did everything right, but I just don't know if I can get over the betrayal. What he did to me hurt so much, I just want to die. I don't know if I can ever forgive him or the AP. Divorce is out of the question because of financial reasons, and I'm 55. I'm stuck now in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. At this stage I don't love him at all, I hate him, he says he loves me, but I just can't believe it. If you love someone enough, you will never hurt them so bad. Infidelity is gut-wrenching, it's pure torture.
How do you forgive someone you have never seen and don't even know who they are cause the cheater Won't tell you... Saying that they are protecting you the betrayed.... Think he is protecting her the AP
it's hard, i get it. he probably is protecting the ap as well i'm sure. but, you still have a choice in how you respond and what actions you take. you can be strategic and give the ap a name if you don't know it and if he won't tell you it, and you still can decide to forgive. it's not perfect but you still have the power to set yourself free and forgive. it does sound like you both have work to do though in terms of you getting more information and details.
I went through that. He would tell me who she is. Is not important. Turns out it was a coworker and she has even requested me on FB while the affair was going on, I guess she would look at my page. I knew all along. Without knowing if that makes any sense. 😡. He told me finally two years later. Who she was. Two years of lies I had to find on my own.
I found out about my husbands affair on June 13, 2018. To say I was devastated is putting it lightly. Every single month almost like clockwork she reaches out or I find out there has been communication on the 17th of every month since. Facebook, emails, reddit profiles, she’s used every single social media account to try and continue the affair. She has even gone as far as to contacting my mother & father in law, she called on my wedding anniversary, and has flown into town. She just won’t go away and i feel like I can’t start my healing process with her constantly coming into my life. I am absolutely not ready to forgive her, but I would at least like to try and forget her until I’m ready to forgive.
I’m sitting here watching this video with tears streaming down my face. Forgiveness on this level is extremely difficult, especially for me because my UH had multiple AP’s- some of them women from our own church. So now there are multiple persons I have to try to forgive.It’s been 4 months since discovery. I’m shattered, confused & absolutely devastated.
My husband’s AP keeps making sure she is known in town as his other woman . Though the affair ended an these videos an our faith are bringing a lot of healing.......... she won’t go away. She’s indirectly placing herself in our lives . Constantly contacting mutual friends, going to restaurant an stores we go An making herself known . I’m confident my husband cut her off but she is refusing to let it die down . I pray for her all the time because I am a Christian but Lord help me she’s like static cling in our lives . Any advice? God bless you for sharing these videos an your own testimony
those situations are incredibly tough. i'm sorry. those types of affair partners are crazy. a few ideas are, when the time is right and you have the leverage, a protective order/restraining order, and changing any and all phone numbers and contact points of info for you both. i would enforce your boundaries as well to make sure you have a strong united front against her. i'm sorry, these situations are tough as hell.
I've seen Some couples actually move away. If she keeps finding you guys yall may want to consider something this drastic? It can be benifical to just start over.
Question: What do you do if you partner has ommited something, you discover new information and know they are leing... How do you let go and move on knowing they are leing still?
Hi Laverne,. I"m not sure you can really. if you know they are lying and holding on to information, it's incredibly hard to move on. most people just can't. i would suggest a lie detector by an expert. or, perhaps you can sit down and talk with them and confront them and let them know you wont make any decisions when they tell you the new info, and that there are no deal breakers. you'll absorb the info and then move on and decide things at a later date, maybe a month or so later. but it's not likely you can move on knowing that info.
I don’t come from faith. I’m spiritual and I every time I have a bad or negative thought about the affair partner, I sent love and light. I wish her all the best. But it doesn’t have anything with my husband or family.
How do I forgive and move on when the affair partner is claiming to be pregnent from my husband? Maybe she is just trying to force him to choose her, maybe ist true. What do you advice betrayed in this tragic Situation?
i'm sorry my friend. that is tragic indeed and it's one of the worst types of situations to have to heal from. it's a process so remember that. sometimes it's about grieving first...then forgiving. it may be something that you have to slowly work through. there's no quick fix. it's not an overnight thing. i would start working through it with help from an expert, or a course like ours here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope you can still forgive them. it's your own decision, even though their behavior is insulting and abusive. you're setting yourself free.
Hi Samuel. I am a Betrayed. I didnt even think of this idea of forgiving the AP. I stumbled across your video and it really caught my attention and in my situation I think it might be an important part of my recovery. My AP was my best friend of 10 years, I dont plan on rekindling the friendship as she shows no remorse and has been quite cruel throughout everything. But I know the fact that AP was my bestfriend causes me a lot of pain and I feel as though I have to forgive for myself. Do you have any advice for me?
@@samshealingpodcast thankyou very much. Towards the end of the video you said how difficult it is because your bestfriend would generally be the one youd run to to grieve the betrayal with and although uve cut contact with her I still find myself going to call her in my times of need as we were bestfriends for 10 years, had our first babies at the same time and had just been named the godmother to my 2 week old when the 2nd affair started. Do you have any tips on if the affair largely took place in your home as she was visiting us while the 2nd affair took place. I've also been having trouble with getting over the anger of alot od it happening in front of our children while I was in another room feeding the baby. Thankyou so much for the amazing work you do, I think I would honestly of been lost without your videos, it's not only given me alot od great tips on recovery but just made me feel "normal" that some of the things I'm feeling many other also are.
My husband and I listen to all your videos. They have been so helpful. There isn’t much out on how to deal with the ex affair partner when they continue to put themselves in your life in any way they can. We are almost 2 years out from d day but the affair partner continues to inject themselves in any way they can. Those these times are infrequent but it brings up all the pain and feelings of betrayal. It also triggers feelings of shame and failure in my husband. It’s a traumatic trigger for us both. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal emotionally and mentally with these encounters or are we not where we should be in our healing if these encounters reignite old pain and wounds?
have you considered a protective order aka restraining order? you may consider one. i would also continue to build as much as you can together to stand strong against the harassment of the affair partner. the stronger you both are, the stronger your recovery will be and the greater the alliance will be between you two to fight off the triggers and reminders and overall carnage that happens around them.
It’s been over two years and I am not where I feel like I should be? Meaning I haven’t been able to completely forgive my spouse or his affair partners. I’m starting to wonder if I ever will? I knew both of the affair partners and I had no idea whatsoever about the affairs that went on for almost 3 years! I’m not sure what to do at this point because I know I am holding us back... but I’m stuck.
God bless you Jan. I'm finding this is a process. It's been 20 years since D day and it comes in waves. We're not perfect beings. Forgiveness is a process. I offer it, this trigger that brings it up again, I offer it up in prayer. I don't know why this keeps coming up. To my husband he thinks I should be past this. It happened a long time ago. But I do not need to pardon the AP. I only need to Forgive
here are several: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/forgiving-infidelity-not www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/cost-of-forgiving-infidelity www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-practical-suggestions-for-forgiveness www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-forgiveness-and-isnt
meg sanchez my husband had affairs on me and we have moved across the county. I he still worked with her or “them” I wouldn’t not be okay with that. I think it would make healing so difficult. Why can’t he get a different job? Not trying to be rude or hurtful I am honestly just wondering
6 weeks to the day since I found out my wife cheated on me with my best friend. I wished death upon him the first 3 weeks. I never thought I could ever forgive him. But I did. More for me so I can move on, with or without my wife. Nothing will be the same.
Still married, wife is still having an affair. She taunted me with “Louis (the AP) is going to be Isabella’s (my daughter’s) dad someday.” Say this reality happens, the your child eventually spends 90% of her time with the AP and becomes more prevalent as a father (puke) to your only child. How do you “have nothing to do with the AP?”
thank you for reaching out. i would strongly consider finding an attorney asap and filing and protecting yourself and your time with your children. i'm sorry you're being subjected to that level of pain and hurt. it's devastating I know . it may be time to acknowledge the writing is on the wall and it's time to file and protect yourself.
I am a weak person and I don't think I can forgive. Forgiving is like telling me to kill myself, again. I just want to stay alive after he stabbed me at my back with all of these. I know I should be forgiving, should be loving, even when people making mistakes. But I just try to stay alive and not living in pain, you know? Just trying to save myself and staying alive. Hope or love or forgiveness is like the luxury goods that I don't need when I just want food.
I think I get it...mine was the same! 13 year committed relationship and during a terribly rough season of my menopause, 2 deaths in the immediate family, his mad-crazy work commitments and during the worst of my meno-fog so I wasn't really 'with it', he had a year long affair of convenience/turned emotional with his ex-wife. there's not a lot out there for us, is there? I try to apply what we can find but I think even our therapists are 'winging it'...
I liked that blog that was one of the most important hardest things to forgive is partner but I do not want to come face to face with him ....well anyway and myself and to my wife
Why would you need to forgive the affair partner? They weren't the one married to you or the one that cheated on you. In my opinion the unfaithful broke the trust and committed the betrayal, not the third person.
My partner and i were together for ten years and we had our ups and downs, last year he started seeing another woman - i moved out - and he was giving her money. He told me they only had sex once, which I find very hard to believe. The affair came out to me about a month ago - I had found make up and woman's hair products at his place when I went to visit, needless to say I lost it. There was a lot of yelling and name calling - we are going to try this relationship one more time, however a couple days ago he said she was trying to call him, he said he blocker her number but we still had a very nasty conversation - he's away at a logging camp and is supposed to come see me in a couple days but I'm still seething. Angry hurt and not sure who to believe what is actually happening 🙄
@allisonblair6254 I would highly recommend that you push your husband to go for the in-person EMS weekend ASAP! He clearly needs some kind of intervention, plus it will divert funds that he might otherwise give her back into the marriage and ensure he is at least physically with you for an entire weekend. You can also insist that he hand over his devices once you guys arrive so he can stay focused and she or they are unable to distract him.
it depends on several factors....length of the affair, recovery work and the quality of care, our personal make up and level of trauma we're facing. it's a very normal process to feel like you process through some....do well...then more comes. it's ok, what's vital is you get expert help and don't quit. it can be years to work through the layers of forgiveness....but several years if you don't find the right help and process.
Balistic!!! Found out in July my wife of 33 years was having a sexual affair. I know today that I am not in the best of health (Disabled and retired as of 2014) yet I have always been there for her. After the fallout she has told me that she did another sexual affair 2-4 years ago also. Now my state of mind is gone. The discipline I received from the military (USAF 1984-1987) has just about dwindled to nothing. Even after knowing she was caught and on the hot seat she still communicated with the first affair partner yet I do not know if she is still in contact with the second. I am wits end as to leave or stay even after begging-pleading-crying until there are no more tears to shed. She, even now, distance herself from me and anything to do with the home. My son and his future wife have been my back bone support through this and live with us (helping with my disability). My son and daughter and law will have their first child this coming May. My wife's first grand, I have 4 grands from an earlier son (before I married my current wife). The pain is to strong to deal with at times. Alcohol was dropped as of the end of August due to this issue. I am just looking for her to answer me with the "We can work it out" or "I am done with you!" Limbo is more like it. Can not afford professional help no $$$ for that. She would duck and avoid it anyway. So life goes on and more pain to live with until I feel secure enough not to look over my shoulder again.....if ever.
I have been listening to your videos for a couple weeks now and they have been very helpfully. After this one I have to share the similarities. Time frame is the same..accusation fallout even involving the police is similar. Thankfully the police saw through the lies but lots of damage has been done. I wish I “only” had to deal with the affair. We have 13 children 10 adopted 15 years married
What if the AP continues to insult the betrayed on social media & turn all the previously posted private pictures of them with the unfaithful publicly to intentionally cause emotional distress for the wife, the innocent children and the rest of the family. This despite the fact that no one is communicating or retaliating with the AP. She still wants to hurt people and spread lies although no one is paying attention to her despite what she is doing.
it may not be time to forgive, or it may be time to...it's sounding of course like it's not about reconciliation, but forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. often times we have to get free and clear of someone like them to be able to one day forgive them. it can be a goal for the future, even if right now it incredibly hard to fathom that. i'm sorry it's so tough.
If our society had ways to resolve conflicts we'd be better off. Other than confronting them there is no way. We also need laws to punish seducers, AP's, and give compensation to the victims. Often it's man with more resources women go after, those men need to be punished, they need to be reduced. Worst case scenario we need to bring back legal dueling. I would like to settle things with the AP without going to jail.
@noneofyourbusiness4595 I understand some states have or used to have 'alienation of affection' laws so that the betrayed partner could actually sue the affair partner for damages, especially if they continue to pursue the unfaithful spouse after things have been cut off or worse, made off with the unfaithful spouse breaking up the marriage (and family if applicable). You might look into it.
HONOR AMONG THIEVES? Own the pain you caused the affair partner, just like the pain you caused your betrayed spouse. You went after the affair partner and now it's seems she always feels betrayed. Feelings of rage and "throwing her into a wood chipper" is awful.
How do you forgive the affair partner? Thats a complicated question. If they didnt know anout you then ignore them. They don't matter. If they knew full well that they were facilitating your partner's infidelity then you can either be the bigger person and pretend tbey dont exist or you can systematically ruin their life in evwry legal way possible. If they are someone YOU know personally and called a friend, the only rational response is brutal physical violence. They knew what they were doing and knew rhey were playing with fire so it's only right to skip karma and be the ultimate cause of their suffering
Do you guys have help for the affair partner who just got dumped by the married man? He convinced me he was leaving his wife or I would have never gotten involved with him and I feel he and I had the best connection I have had with any man in 25 years so I am really struggling that he led me and strung me along for 11 months and then he and his wife go on an anniversary trip and now he feels their marriage is improving (because she finally had sex with him and treated him well) and I am dropped like I never existed. He is lucky I am the person I am and not going to tell his wife about us and she has no idea I even exist.
i'm so sorry cozette. we don't have much for your own specific journey....i would see about finding a professional that can support you and care for you as you walk through this. i know it hurts and it's painful, but there are therapists out there you can trust to help you. if you message me through info@hope-now.com and ask them to push it to me i can see what else i can do for you.
Samuel, I’m curious about the types of affairs. My husband and I have spoken about differences between emotional and physical affairs, but he claims there’s also “kinship” affairs as well. Could you maybe share any knowledge into this type of affair? It is the same as an emotional affair or is it different??
i'm not sure what that refers to. we have an article called six types of affairs you can find here: www.affairrecovery.com/types-of-affairs what sort of struggle are you all having? i hope the article helps provide clarity for you. thank you.
Thank you for your reply, Samuel. I sent a very lengthy email explaining our situation to Affair Recovery looking for a source of support. I have not seen a reply, but even just typing everything out was therapeutic in a way. I know you guys are very, very busy. Anyway, I really appreciate the help you’ve offered through your blog posts and videos.
Yup not going to happen any time soon and im from christian faith. Theres a country song Called i pray and it is definately a song i love concerning the way i feel. Maybe one day ill feel . different.
My wife's APs' spouses don't know what my wife did with their husbands. I want to tell them. People knew what my wife was doing and didn't tell me, and I hate all of them for it. Now that it's over, I don't lnow what is right for me to do.
Samuel what if there were several affair partners all at the same time?Although I believe that there was a main one and I’m not going lie.. I messaged her and told her what comes around goes around! I do come from faith but she watched my husband’s social media posts and even liked one of our photos together one time.. so she definitely knew that he was a married man from the start and in fact I believe they all did.. so unfortunately there is no real recovery for us! It’s just time to end it!
hi sarah, forgiving the affair partner is for you. it sets you free. forgiveness does not equal or mean or even imply reconciliation. it simply means, i forgive them, let them go, wish them the best and move on.
hi chris. i'm so sorry. that's rough indeed. i would move honestly. i really, really would. i would find a way to find a new place to live and new area without that every day reminder. drastic step yes. worth it, yes.
Overcoming Infidelity Wow! The thought of that is drastic. My husband also has an affair partner in our neighborhood that I see often (but not everyday). I mentioned moving and changing jobs to my therapist who then asked “Why should you have to run?” My husband also suggested I find another job...I’ve always been tied “not running” because I don’t want to feel like a coward. Now I wonder if it would have suffered less in doing so.
i get it....i understand the approach that says 'why should i have to be the one that runs' but i also understand the peace of not having to see the affair partner every single dang day and the peace that comes from having a safe place like your own home ya know? there is nothing wrong whatsoever with moving and gaining a new level of peace. at some level, these are the consequences to his actions, AND if moving gives you a new level of peace and hope and rest, then shoot, i'm moving ya know?!!!!
Hi Samuel. I am currently struggling with forgiving and forgetting the AP. My husband and her are both in the military and unfortunately work together for now and the frustration I feel about us being stuck at our current station for another year is an understatement. However, I’m really struggling right now with the fact that my husband and the person who encouraged him to have the affair are still good friends. It’s been 10 months after D day and after that they talk regularly on Snapchat so I’m not able to see their conversations. My question is how do I set boundaries with him and his “friend”? I haven’t been able to take any action on this matter because I don’t want to tell him who he can and can’t be friends with but their relationship makes me very upset. I have unfriended and unfollowed him on all social media and have told my husband that I never want anything to do him and I really wish he would stop being friends with him too but I don’t know what to do.
hi there. it's tough my friend. i would buy the book on boundaries and read it and see IF and how you want to implement boundaries into the situation. i don't think you're going to be able to just 'grin and bear it' with all you've been through. here is the book: www.amazon.com/stores/page/117013FC-6C55-4118-A67E-4B52671CB677?store_ref=SB_A05999783VV1XND15710K&pf_rd_p=3ff6092e-8451-438b-8278-7e94064b4d42&hsa_cr_id=5907693030301&lp_slot=auto-sparkle-hsa-tetris&lp_asins=0310243149,0310243157,0310200342&lp_mat_key=boundaries%20book&lp_query=boundaries%20book&sb-ci-n=headline&sb-ci-v=When%20to%20Say%20Yes%2C%20How%20to%20Say%20No.%20Find%20%22Boundaries.%22 it's tough to get through the pain of it all, but at some level, he is doing something you're not comfortable with. if it's something that you feel strongly enough to not tolerate or accept, you're probably going to have to hold your ground and ask him to respect that boundary. if not, he will have to face the consequences of you not being willing to tolerate that relationship.
Thank you Samuel! I just ordered it. I enjoy watching your videos and really appreciate what you guys do at Affair Recovery. Sometimes I’ll binge watch your videos to feel peace and sane.
@@TheVelvet2007 i'm thrilled to be a friend. it's an honor. i'm sorry for the pain but glad you found the site and the videos. keep going friend, don't give up on you and your own healing. binge away, you'd be surprised how many do the same. it's humbling
Hi, i couldt find any success stories regarding walkaway wives. I feel there is no hope for my wife and my marriage as she is with the ap. We have a kid together, is there any straategies or hope? Thanks
i would ask her to get expert help with you before you finalize the divorce. would she do something like our ems weekend as a hail mary if you will? maybe asking her to do that and if it doesn't work you can divorce and move on and if it works, then you give it time to see about the future? what do you think? here is the weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend many couples come as a last resort who have filed, or are about to file and are completely unsure about the marriage and future. it's very normal. you both will feel very safe, though she is actively pursuing the affair partner.
I actually feel bad for my wife's affair partner. I never met him or even saw a picture of him but seriously you have to be a a wimpy Simp aka: beta male to give up 3 prime years of your life on a part time relationship with another dudes wife. Just the thought of getting sloppy seconds from another guys woman makes me feel ill and that's the best her Simp could do. Example: I took my wife & kids on a Caribbean Cruise & while we were on the cruise her Simp was in full panic mode & called her 15 times, I look at that & say OMG poor guy, literally surrounded by 1000's of single women yet he panics because his married girlfriend is betraying him by spending time with her husband.
i would seriously consider finding another place to work as soon as you're able. i would also draw clear boundaries with them, not that they need to hear them, but more like they feel them. with your spouse, i would implement serious accountability measures so they feel as safe as possible while you're at work.
Is more difficult to forgive the affair partner when is a woman because you think that by being a woman could have been more empathic towards another woman and more rational
When the affair partner is 10s of thousands of videos and images. When the affair partner is bikini baristas that sold themselves it's a different beast
The AP was my pastor/boss. He led both my wife and I on the worship team. He called me his best friend and brother. Gaslighted me for months. Never imagined that kind of betrayal from the two people I loved the most. My heart is so broken. I pray the Lord helps me to forgive him.
Everyone tells us to forgive. No one tells us how in HELL you do that!!! This is the WORST emotional pain! It doesn't go away within anything like a reasonable time....bit were told to HELP OURSELVES and forgive... Like it's just sitting there on the table, ready for use 😰
Ikr? So easy to say especially when they never have been cheated on or they’ve already over their pain. But for us in the boat of misery there’s no chance in hell that I’ll forgive…..& I told him so & for him to just stay the hell away from me
Some APs do not deserve forgiveness. There are people in this world who thrive on the pain of others and target the weakness of others. They will never stop hurting people for their own benefit.
I could feel myself going into a rage. She looked me in the eye and told me to “Move On, You Two Just Work It Out”... The nerve of her. She destroys my life and now thinks she gets to tell me how to respond?!? I was furious but it was the fear or prison that kept me sane. Fast forward... I think I’m healing... it’s still painful but it’s not AS PAINFUL as it once was. I see my husbands affair partner every day. Every Day! But, I’ve moved from wanting to drag her with my car to now offering somewhat of a half smile. I realize she had no commitments to me and I’ve finally accepted that this happened. I think it’s progress. I’m moving forward.
i'm so sorry my friend. i'm so glad you're doing better though...you see her every day? man that's awful and I'm sorry.
Overcoming Infidelity Samual.... I’ve been looking for a blog that deals with the AP not letting it go, oh she and my husband ended July 2017 but he continued to chat with here til Oct.. he says out of fear of what she might do... He ended all means of contact, blocked her.. told her he was sorry, but he wanted to try and heal our marriage! She said she’d wait for him. The problem is she calls my home, not for him, calls my cell, wrote me... I would freeze up and keep praying for her, it’s been over a year, I’m feeling Anger.. real Anger towards her... I just want her to Stop 🛑 last time she called I told her I would talk with her if that’s what she needed... “ Click” was what I got... I’m trying very hard to not let it affect the growth, healing in our marriage. Thank God for Affair Recovery, and Pure Desire group , counseling for my husband... I feel so alone, there’s No groups for betrayed. Any advice? Thank you... Would change phone numbers but it wouldn’t do any good.. she works for Homeland Security, her numbers are untraceable!
I'm so sorry and glad you feel some progress. My husband continues to work in the same hospital as his affair partner. She told people I was crazy and that she was afraid of me. Afraid of ME?! Not a day goes by (one year since I found out today) that I don't think about this. Some days not an hour goes by that I don't think about it and she is afraid of ME??? It's so hard. I still don't know if I am going to make it. I still don't know if I even want to. This pain is so deep. His efforts fall short. What I need I can't find.... I wish I knew just one person who was on the other side of this that could give me some hope!
i would find out her supervisor at homeland and absolutely call them and report her. i would file a restraining order as well. there are groups for the betrayed. it's called harboring hope right here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
Overcoming Infidelity i made the stupid mistake of trying to help the AP out who was in prison at the time i found out... i visited him etc but in the end him and my wife were still in contact etc despite my help.....the next time i found out my wife left me and my three kids.....still trying to find my way.
I forgave the first affair partner. She was honest and kind. She was remorseful and apologized. The second was disrespectful. She brought that old woman (the fighter) back out of me.
She is lucky i got 6 kids or i would be her ass!
I come from faith. So i ended up telling my husband that she will reap what she has sown (this isnt her first married man or boyfriend she got into an affair with). I need to let go of the bond and the need to want an apology. Thank you for this video!
Bless Samantha. She must be a great woman to be able to forgive you and her friend.
Initially, I was full of rage towards the others involved because I felt that they had disrespected me. This was overcome when I asked myself a very pertinent question: how could I expect anyone to have consideration or respect for me when my spouse was showing total disregard for me? The others involved were simply following my spouses’ cues as to how to view me or treat me. I’ve been able to come to a place of forgiveness for them by realizing that they were victims, too. They too were lied to and misled by the cheating spouse. I can honestly hold them blameless and acknowledge that the entire responsibility rests with the cheating spouse.
So where you at with your spouse then? Do you "hate" her or have you somehow been able to forgive?
@@phabeondominguez5971 i would like to know as well
I can't. My husband's AP new he was married with kids. I hold her just as accountable as my husband. She happened to see a pic of me in his phone and told him that I was fat and ugly. And then I saw her, he showed me. She's much taller than me, fatter and looks like a really butch woman. I mean... jeez... yes, I do hate her. I'm furious with my husband. I'm in so much pain every single day. 😢😢😢
My husband is having an affair and left me after being together 34 years. The pain is so intense, that I beg God to make it stop. I would never take my own life, but at the same time, I don’t know how to survive this. The loss, the grief, the brokenness. Complete devastation. I’ve never been a depressed person, so these are new emotions for me. It’s a heavy dark cloud that never seems to lift.
We are talking now. My husband is feeling intense guilt, and shame, but has feelings for the affair woman. I pray continually. I’m in counseling with my church, and it’s helped some.
thank God for the church. BUT, i would suggest getting infidelity specific, expert help friend.
You are not alone. You are worthwhile. Please get help as Samuel suggested.
I feel deeply for you. You are good. I understand.
iv just found this video.. and read some comments, and i hope that your ok..
That is called a Limerent affair. It happened to me and i felt everything you do and i still feel it to this day 20 years later.
Samantha is exceptional! I’ll never forgive the affair partner!
I hope you’ve been able to find healing and to forgive the AP. Unforgiveness will only destroy you. 😢
But what is forgiveness? If it's not absolution or a release from responsibity, what is it? Is it just letting go of anger? In my case I just let time and distance bring me to a place of indifference. That is, I no longer care what happens with her or the AP - they're dead to me. I no longer feel the pain of betrayal as acutely, nor do I think about it often. This might not be forgiveness, but isn't holding onto pain either.
Thank you Sam, My spouses affair partner once found out started stalking me, actually both of us. Calling, texting, driving by, leaving messages at the upword amount of about 45-50 per day. We finally had to put a restraining order on her. She was so intent on pointing the finger at him that she went over the top crazy and she crossed the line. Now she has a restraining order on her. She caused her own issues, I guess. She matters none to me, but repairing my relationship does matter. Thank you to Samantha for allowing you to be present for all of us struggling with this and working herself through such crushing pain. Thank you also to you for being so candid and for sharing your story and good word. 😊
I don't know where I would be, Samuel and Affair Recovery, without you. God's bless your hearts!
I love the extra comments that he adds in. We as the betrayed really have these extra thoughts, even as believers in Christ
It's been hard for me to forgive my husband's AP. I was having very very evil thoughts about her and my husband. But one day I woke up and said no more. I wrote her a letter. And it was so hard but it helped me in so many ways. I never mailed it but I kept it for a while and then I burned it. I know it probably sounds odd but once I burned it I let all the rage burn up with the letter. I sometimes get angry with the memories but it is not rage and wrath anymore. I feel sorry for her to know that she is a hurt soul and would participate in the downfall of a family. I put her in God's hands and I pray God intervenes in her life and transforms her to what He had designed her to be. This was one of the hardest parts of walking through the healing process of their affair. But I know this is what God expects of me. But I thank God every day that He has transformed me because the old me would have been sitting in prison away from my family. They are more important than a lost soul. Thank you for this video Sam. God bless you and your family.
I can't even watch this video right now... I just came for the comments. I feel such rage and anger and white hot vengeance toward the AP and my wife.
I feel the rage and anger leaving....I've forgiven her and the ap. But we are stil getting a divorce.
Sorry to hear
I know I need to forgive her. It’s been almost three years of personal counseling, marriage counseling, living, surviving, personally suffering, really trying to forgive and be done with her.... ughhhhhhhhh! So very frustrating...
What's holding you back tho?
After my wife informed me that she had slept with my friend I immediately told her that I forgave her and still loved her, then I left the relationship.
Thank you for the video blog. My husband had an eighteen month affair with a friend of ours. I was completely crushed. Six months after the discovery I was able to forgive her. It took a lot of faith and soul searching to get to that point. I visited her in person at the sixth month point asking God to walk beside me each step of the way. I told her I forgave her and that it was not my job to punish. Hand it to God is what I told myself. She is also from a religious background and I told her God would want her to be a better person, a better mother, and a better wife. (Yes she too is married.) She cried and I thought I would never have to confront her again. I set firm boundaries when we spoke. There was no yelling just clear messages. My husband and I continued recovery work one week at a time. Almost one year into recovery and I then discovered that they were communicating again. I have been so disrespected and hurt. We are involved with multiple counselors and hoping to move forward. This time is very different for me. The faith and hope that was there the first time doesn’t shine for me. There is no trust. How do you forgive a second time??
i think it starts with building the right way, with expert help with a process you can trust. having multiple counselors isn't always a positive thing and things can get muddy that way.
Forgive does not mean u stay he must be a very unhealthy individual
I am so sorry for your pain. Betrayal hurts so badly, but repeated hurt is almost too painful to bear. I’m praying for you and applaud your willingness to figure her originally, and also understand the challenges facing a repeat-betrayal. Sending thoughts, prayers and love your way and hope that this message finds you at a later time, with more perspective on what to do. The good news is if you can forgive once, I do believe it’s possible to forgive again IF he is willing to be worthy of that. I hope wherever you are that your heart feels full, even if it has been damaged and patched.
It has passed over a year from d day and today, I felt terribly after so many good months. I remembered the AP, was triggered, and cried for a long time. Nothing seemed to calm me but to rewatch this video. Thank you for taking me back to the right path.
I appreciate that you and your channel offers perspective rather than trying to drive someone one direction or another. Your videos provide options to choose from, which isn't very accessible during modern times and with plenty outside opinions/perspectives being forced upon "the betrayed." Your videos are what I need right now, as the betrayed, to figure out how to best approach my situation. I am working to understand and to forgive, even if that means I ultimately choose to leave. This process is for us, but it is also for ME. Your videos have offered a lot of perspectives from many different angles, and I believe that is crucial.
This seems just about impossible for me to do as in my situation, the AP got pregnant. All of these videos have been a God send for me, I’ve only found this channel a few days ago but I just don’t know how to move forward when the situation involves the AP getting pregnant (not to mention that I as well am pregnant at the same time.) I’m in a black hole and I see no light. 17 years of marriage, 18 years together, and after a 2 time, 5 minute quicky with an “accidentally torn condom” in a closet at work, she gets pregnant and my whole universe is completely destroyed. I just don’t know how to come back from that. When is the damage too much to be able to be repaired.
How are you doing now 2 years later?? Hugs.
The best way to think about this is forgiveness helps you. Holding on to anger and resentment doesn't hurt them it hurts you. Anger and bitterness grows and festers and manifests into greater problems for you. Their life will not be any better or worse whether you forgive or don't. Do it for you!
It's been two years now but I still have anger ..I cant fully forgive I dont know what to do
I shared this with my spouse who wont watch anything i send here. It is like you are talking to 5 year ago me. She is stuck in returned fear, after not continuing our recovery work, honestly, because I didn’t know what was needed. I am committed to lasting until a divorce is finalized, and I pray she is getting help, and does see, to trust me, in our current situation in life, is vital, and our kids are11, 10 and 3 and I need my wife back, here as expats in Europe. I swear you were talking to me. Thank you for what you do and I will keep your ministry in my prayers and with His help, I will be able to reach her, to have her reach for me, again. Again, Thank you Samuel. Btw my deceased brother in laws name was Samuel. It was another sign to listen to you. I have watched many of your videos and I consider them the most useful help for my situation, of any others I have seen.
You got this Bryan, keep your side of the street clean...god bless
i'm sorry for the pain you're in Bryan. thank you for the extremely kind and encouraging words. i appreciate the prayers brother. thank you so much. i'll also pray for you and your situation. so glad the video touched you.
But can you make a video on how to take vengeance...I would say asking for a for a friend but the white hot rage is so intense I have inside is not setting. Am so far from forgiving...God help me
Powerful information & help, for all of us. As a Christian woman, and a broken one, God is so close to the hurting. I made the mistake of being the AP, and the devil himself is laughing in my face. I’ve taken responsibility in ending the affair, cause of the hurt I know I was causing someone else, plus, I don’t like being manipulated & lied to by a man, or anyone. My self esteem has been in the ditch for years but not enough to allow someone to continue to use me! He’s not a Christian and I feel horrible being such a bad example of one. My ex hubby rejected me & our daughters 6 yrs ago, and I’ve been in a vulnerable spot. The Lord has looked after us but I also am aware that satan waits until I’m in a weak spot, wanting artificial affection. Not blaming the devil for my choice but there is such a spiritual battle going on, one that is trying to destroy marriages & families. That’s the big picture! It’s part of the End Times. Pray for the AP’s out there. They’re made in God’s image. But like it was said in this video, AP’s will also be okay without the help of the unfaithful! And God is big enough to heal us, and meet us where we’re at.
I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.
Lori, as a betrayed, I want to thank you so much for telling your story. It means a lot to me to hear that you feel God close to you. He is so good.
Do you think it would be helpful to be forgiven or better to just never have to even see the betrayed partner? I'm just curious. I'm sorry you were in the position you were in.
Listening to you say "drag them behind your car" and such. I felt that because I hate her more than anything. If a stronger word existed I would use it. One day I may forgive her but I will forgive my spouse way before that. I will try to break free. Sucks she unfortunately works for the same company as me :/
Yeah well, my husband's AP knew he was married with kids. She didn’t tell him no. She just went into an affair with him. I'll never forgive her. I'm sorry, i just can't. I'm hurting too much and she talked trash about me. To my husband. My husband loves me and we're trying to mend our marriage. But it hurts so effin much. 😢😢😢
Samuel, I have heart for forgiveness, almost always, but this one is HARD. My ex had an affair with a friend who happened to serve with me as a deacon. He was a complete wolf in sheeps clothing, heavily and secretly courting her while eating meals at my table. I learned from his own family of his abusive behaviors, manipulations and exploitation of our church family for money. He was working the church for money while building a secret home for him and my wife. I lost a foster daughter of more than three years due to the drama this brought into our lives. I was financially devastated. He was secretly added to member accounts I paid for, like Costco. The affair all came out eventually, but the fakery continues. They left the church and started at a new church, where they’re “just friends”, but the new church seems to be perfectly okay with this. He wasn’t allowed around my minor children for two years, save the foster daughter who is now adopted by my ex. I just let that restriction be stricken this week, because as it turns out, my ex is still lying to me about the nature of their relationship. Every time I try to extend grace, I and my children are punished for it. The AP is my arch nemesis. He is 100% contrary to every moral value I stand for. He is an extreme manipulator and therefore, triggers my anxieties for the safety and well being of my children. It took everything in my power to not end this person at the beginning. I don’t want to have any tie to him, but he’s still imposing himself on my children. They are everything to me.
i'm terribly sorry Sean. yes, that is a lot to forgive. remember, it's not about restoring the relationship with him.....but more about taking care of you and setting yourself free. i get it.....it's horrendous....but it is about helping you heal, not being ok with their actions but setting yourself free from bitterness and the prison you could lock yourself in. you don't want to that prison, nor do you want to restore the relationship, but you do want freedom.
Overcoming Infidelity
I’ll try my best. I’ll be praying about this.
I know it's not easy, but forgiving the AP is a gift you give to yourself to help you on your road to recovery. Revenge and bitterness will only serve to keep you stuck in your pain.
This was one if the first AR videos I saw and it kept me exploring this channel for a long time. I'll forgive my wife, but that's where it ends.
It's been 10months, you still feel that way?
I'm 9 months past DD. Since about 3 weeks ago I sunk into a deep depression, my husband is very remorseful, he did everything right, but I just don't know if I can get over the betrayal. What he did to me hurt so much, I just want to die. I don't know if I can ever forgive him or the AP. Divorce is out of the question because of financial reasons, and I'm 55. I'm stuck now in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. At this stage I don't love him at all, I hate him, he says he loves me, but I just can't believe it. If you love someone enough, you will never hurt them so bad. Infidelity is gut-wrenching, it's pure torture.
How do you forgive someone you have never seen and don't even know who they are cause the cheater Won't tell you... Saying that they are protecting you the betrayed.... Think he is protecting her the AP
it's hard, i get it. he probably is protecting the ap as well i'm sure. but, you still have a choice in how you respond and what actions you take. you can be strategic and give the ap a name if you don't know it and if he won't tell you it, and you still can decide to forgive. it's not perfect but you still have the power to set yourself free and forgive. it does sound like you both have work to do though in terms of you getting more information and details.
I went through that. He would tell me who she is. Is not important. Turns out it was a coworker and she has even requested me on FB while the affair was going on, I guess she would look at my page. I knew all along. Without knowing if that makes any sense. 😡. He told me finally two years later. Who she was. Two years of lies I had to find on my own.
@@esthercis9371 what ya end up doing? How y'all doing now?
I found out about my husbands affair on June 13, 2018. To say I was devastated is putting it lightly.
Every single month almost like clockwork she reaches out or I find out there has been communication on the 17th of every month since. Facebook, emails, reddit profiles, she’s used every single social media account to try and continue the affair. She has even gone as far as to contacting my mother & father in law, she called on my wedding anniversary, and has flown into town. She just won’t go away and i feel like I can’t start my healing process with her constantly coming into my life.
I am absolutely not ready to forgive her, but I would at least like to try and forget her until I’m ready to forgive.
I get it Nicole. I'm sorry for the insanity of it all. you'll get there eventually. it's ok to not be there now.
@nicoleboatright1241 How are things now? It sounds like a restraining order against the AP is necessary.
Some people don't. I dont. I cant. Its been too much damage and too many times.
I’m sitting here watching this video with tears streaming down my face. Forgiveness on this level is extremely difficult, especially for me because my UH had multiple AP’s- some of them women from our own church. So now there are multiple persons I have to try to forgive.It’s been 4 months since discovery. I’m shattered, confused & absolutely devastated.
My husband’s AP keeps making sure she is known in town as his other woman . Though the affair ended an these videos an our faith are bringing a lot of healing.......... she won’t go away. She’s indirectly placing herself in our lives . Constantly contacting mutual friends, going to restaurant an stores we go An making herself known . I’m confident my husband cut her off but she is refusing to let it die down . I pray for her all the time because I am a Christian but Lord help me she’s like static cling in our lives . Any advice?
God bless you for sharing these videos an your own testimony
those situations are incredibly tough. i'm sorry. those types of affair partners are crazy. a few ideas are, when the time is right and you have the leverage, a protective order/restraining order, and changing any and all phone numbers and contact points of info for you both. i would enforce your boundaries as well to make sure you have a strong united front against her. i'm sorry, these situations are tough as hell.
I've seen Some couples actually move away. If she keeps finding you guys yall may want to consider something this drastic? It can be benifical to just start over.
Question: What do you do if you partner has ommited something, you discover new information and know they are leing... How do you let go and move on knowing they are leing still?
Hi Laverne,. I"m not sure you can really. if you know they are lying and holding on to information, it's incredibly hard to move on. most people just can't. i would suggest a lie detector by an expert. or, perhaps you can sit down and talk with them and confront them and let them know you wont make any decisions when they tell you the new info, and that there are no deal breakers. you'll absorb the info and then move on and decide things at a later date, maybe a month or so later. but it's not likely you can move on knowing that info.
"Some of you just threw up." As not funny as this subject is, that made me laugh.
So glad that you use some humor but I have seriously wished divine vengeance and dragging them behind my car is not out of that realm. Ugh.
I hurt so bad. She said she's sorry. And I think she thinks that's good enough. I can't forgive.
EXCELLENT topic, Samuel! Glory to God! Let God arise and His enemies be scattered!
thanks for watching George. appreciate it sir.
What happens when the person your spouse cheated with is your own sister?
I don’t come from faith. I’m spiritual and I every time I have a bad or negative thought about the affair partner, I sent love and light. I wish her all the best. But it doesn’t have anything with my husband or family.
How do I forgive and move on when the affair partner is claiming to be pregnent from my husband? Maybe she is just trying to force him to choose her, maybe ist true. What do you advice betrayed in this tragic Situation?
i'm sorry my friend. that is tragic indeed and it's one of the worst types of situations to have to heal from. it's a process so remember that. sometimes it's about grieving first...then forgiving. it may be something that you have to slowly work through. there's no quick fix. it's not an overnight thing. i would start working through it with help from an expert, or a course like ours here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope you can still forgive them. it's your own decision, even though their behavior is insulting and abusive. you're setting yourself free.
I do appreciate that you use accurate explanations of how we feel about the AP however. But 🤢🤮
Hi Samuel.
I am a Betrayed.
I didnt even think of this idea of forgiving the AP.
I stumbled across your video and it really caught my attention and in my situation I think it might be an important part of my recovery.
My AP was my best friend of 10 years, I dont plan on rekindling the friendship as she shows no remorse and has been quite cruel throughout everything.
But I know the fact that AP was my bestfriend causes me a lot of pain and I feel as though I have to forgive for myself.
Do you have any advice for me?
here's a video I did on that my friend: ua-cam.com/video/QP9VEuiV1u4/v-deo.html hope that helps.
@@samshealingpodcast thankyou very much.
Towards the end of the video you said how difficult it is because your bestfriend would generally be the one youd run to to grieve the betrayal with and although uve cut contact with her I still find myself going to call her in my times of need as we were bestfriends for 10 years, had our first babies at the same time and had just been named the godmother to my 2 week old when the 2nd affair started.
Do you have any tips on if the affair largely took place in your home as she was visiting us while the 2nd affair took place.
I've also been having trouble with getting over the anger of alot od it happening in front of our children while I was in another room feeding the baby.
Thankyou so much for the amazing work you do, I think I would honestly of been lost without your videos, it's not only given me alot od great tips on recovery but just made me feel "normal" that some of the things I'm feeling many other also are.
My husband and I listen to all your videos. They have been so helpful. There isn’t much out on how to deal with the ex affair partner when they continue to put themselves in your life in any way they can. We are almost 2 years out from d day but the affair partner continues to inject themselves in any way they can. Those these times are infrequent but it brings up all the pain and feelings of betrayal. It also triggers feelings of shame and failure in my husband. It’s a traumatic trigger for us both. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal emotionally and mentally with these encounters or are we not where we should be in our healing if these encounters reignite old pain and wounds?
have you considered a protective order aka restraining order? you may consider one. i would also continue to build as much as you can together to stand strong against the harassment of the affair partner. the stronger you both are, the stronger your recovery will be and the greater the alliance will be between you two to fight off the triggers and reminders and overall carnage that happens around them.
It’s been over two years and I am not where I feel like I should be? Meaning I haven’t been able to completely forgive my spouse or his affair partners. I’m starting to wonder if I ever will? I knew both of the affair partners and I had no idea whatsoever about the affairs that went on for almost 3 years! I’m not sure what to do at this point because I know I am holding us back... but I’m stuck.
God bless you Jan. I'm finding this is a process. It's been 20 years since D day and it comes in waves. We're not perfect beings. Forgiveness is a process. I offer it, this trigger that brings it up again, I offer it up in prayer. I don't know why this keeps coming up. To my husband he thinks I should be past this. It happened a long time ago. But I do not need to pardon the AP. I only need to Forgive
Any tips on forgiving? It's been 3 yrs and he still works with the affair partner and I find it so hard to forgive either of them
here are several: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/forgiving-infidelity-not www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/cost-of-forgiving-infidelity www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-practical-suggestions-for-forgiveness www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-forgiveness-and-isnt
meg sanchez my husband had affairs on me and we have moved across the county. I he still worked with her or “them” I wouldn’t not be okay with that. I think it would make healing so difficult. Why can’t he get a different job? Not trying to be rude or hurtful I am honestly just wondering
meg sanchez also I knew I had too early bc if I ran into her I’d probably end up in jail!
6 weeks to the day since I found out my wife cheated on me with my best friend. I wished death upon him the first 3 weeks. I never thought I could ever forgive him. But I did. More for me so I can move on, with or without my wife. Nothing will be the same.
Still married, wife is still having an affair. She taunted me with “Louis (the AP) is going to be Isabella’s (my daughter’s) dad someday.”
Say this reality happens, the your child eventually spends 90% of her time with the AP and becomes more prevalent as a father (puke) to your only child. How do you “have nothing to do with the AP?”
Edmund Rabara jesus, this might hapoen to me in a way.
thank you for reaching out. i would strongly consider finding an attorney asap and filing and protecting yourself and your time with your children. i'm sorry you're being subjected to that level of pain and hurt. it's devastating I know . it may be time to acknowledge the writing is on the wall and it's time to file and protect yourself.
What keeps you married?
I am a weak person and I don't think I can forgive. Forgiving is like telling me to kill myself, again. I just want to stay alive after he stabbed me at my back with all of these.
I know I should be forgiving, should be loving, even when people making mistakes. But I just try to stay alive and not living in pain, you know? Just trying to save myself and staying alive. Hope or love or forgiveness is like the luxury goods that I don't need when I just want food.
What do you do when the AP is the mother of their children? Severing that tie/relationship is unattainable.
can you explain a bit more, i'm not following the details of the situation?
I think I get it...mine was the same! 13 year committed relationship and during a terribly rough season of my menopause, 2 deaths in the immediate family, his mad-crazy work commitments and during the worst of my meno-fog so I wasn't really 'with it', he had a year long affair of convenience/turned emotional with his ex-wife.
there's not a lot out there for us, is there?
I try to apply what we can find but I think even our therapists are 'winging it'...
I liked that blog that was one of the most important hardest things to forgive is partner but I do not want to come face to face with him ....well anyway and myself and to my wife
Why would you need to forgive the affair partner? They weren't the one married to you or the one that cheated on you. In my opinion the unfaithful broke the trust and committed the betrayal, not the third person.
My partner and i were together for ten years and we had our ups and downs, last year he started seeing another woman - i moved out - and he was giving her money. He told me they only had sex once, which I find very hard to believe. The affair came out to me about a month ago - I had found make up and woman's hair products at his place when I went to visit, needless to say I lost it. There was a lot of yelling and name calling - we are going to try this relationship one more time, however a couple days ago he said she was trying to call him, he said he blocker her number but we still had a very nasty conversation - he's away at a logging camp and is supposed to come see me in a couple days but I'm still seething. Angry hurt and not sure who to believe what is actually happening 🙄
@allisonblair6254 I would highly recommend that you push your husband to go for the in-person EMS weekend ASAP! He clearly needs some kind of intervention, plus it will divert funds that he might otherwise give her back into the marriage and ensure he is at least physically with you for an entire weekend. You can also insist that he hand over his devices once you guys arrive so he can stay focused and she or they are unable to distract him.
How long is the process of layers of forgiveness? I feel like I get there and then later more comes
it depends on several factors....length of the affair, recovery work and the quality of care, our personal make up and level of trauma we're facing. it's a very normal process to feel like you process through some....do well...then more comes. it's ok, what's vital is you get expert help and don't quit. it can be years to work through the layers of forgiveness....but several years if you don't find the right help and process.
Balistic!!! Found out in July my wife of 33 years was having a sexual affair. I know today that I am not in the best of health (Disabled and retired as of 2014) yet I have always been there for her. After the fallout she has told me that she did another sexual affair 2-4 years ago also. Now my state of mind is gone. The discipline I received from the military (USAF 1984-1987) has just about dwindled to nothing. Even after knowing she was caught and on the hot seat she still communicated with the first affair partner yet I do not know if she is still in contact with the second. I am wits end as to leave or stay even after begging-pleading-crying until there are no more tears to shed. She, even now, distance herself from me and anything to do with the home. My son and his future wife have been my back bone support through this and live with us (helping with my disability). My son and daughter and law will have their first child this coming May. My wife's first grand, I have 4 grands from an earlier son (before I married my current wife). The pain is to strong to deal with at times. Alcohol was dropped as of the end of August due to this issue. I am just looking for her to answer me with the "We can work it out" or "I am done with you!" Limbo is more like it. Can not afford professional help no $$$ for that. She would duck and avoid it anyway. So life goes on and more pain to live with until I feel secure enough not to look over my shoulder again.....if ever.
I have been listening to your videos for a couple weeks now and they have been very helpfully. After this one I have to share the similarities. Time frame is the same..accusation fallout even involving the police is similar. Thankfully the police saw through the lies but lots of damage has been done. I wish I “only” had to deal with the affair. We have 13 children 10 adopted 15 years married
Whoa, that's heavy, any updates?
Its been 15 years since this AP did my wife. Its never even occurred to me to forgive him...
What if the AP continues to insult the betrayed on social media & turn all the previously posted private pictures of them with the unfaithful publicly to intentionally cause emotional distress for the wife, the innocent children and the rest of the family. This despite the fact that no one is communicating or retaliating with the AP. She still wants to hurt people and spread lies although no one is paying attention to her despite what she is doing.
it may not be time to forgive, or it may be time to...it's sounding of course like it's not about reconciliation, but forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. often times we have to get free and clear of someone like them to be able to one day forgive them. it can be a goal for the future, even if right now it incredibly hard to fathom that. i'm sorry it's so tough.
If our society had ways to resolve conflicts we'd be better off. Other than confronting them there is no way. We also need laws to punish seducers, AP's, and give compensation to the victims. Often it's man with more resources women go after, those men need to be punished, they need to be reduced. Worst case scenario we need to bring back legal dueling. I would like to settle things with the AP without going to jail.
@noneofyourbusiness4595 I understand some states have or used to have 'alienation of affection' laws so that the betrayed partner could actually sue the affair partner for damages, especially if they continue to pursue the unfaithful spouse after things have been cut off or worse, made off with the unfaithful spouse breaking up the marriage (and family if applicable). You might look into it.
HONOR AMONG THIEVES? Own the pain you caused the affair partner, just like the pain you caused your betrayed spouse. You went after the affair partner and now it's seems she always feels betrayed. Feelings of rage and "throwing her into a wood chipper" is awful.
@jameskoch1662 I think he meant the feelings betrayed spouses feel towards the AP.
How do you forgive the affair partner? Thats a complicated question. If they didnt know anout you then ignore them. They don't matter. If they knew full well that they were facilitating your partner's infidelity then you can either be the bigger person and pretend tbey dont exist or you can systematically ruin their life in evwry legal way possible. If they are someone YOU know personally and called a friend, the only rational response is brutal physical violence. They knew what they were doing and knew rhey were playing with fire so it's only right to skip karma and be the ultimate cause of their suffering
Do you guys have help for the affair partner who just got dumped by the married man? He convinced me he was leaving his wife or I would have never gotten involved with him and I feel he and I had the best connection I have had with any man in 25 years so I am really struggling that he led me and strung me along for 11 months and then he and his wife go on an anniversary trip and now he feels their marriage is improving (because she finally had sex with him and treated him well) and I am dropped like I never existed. He is lucky I am the person I am and not going to tell his wife about us and she has no idea I even exist.
i'm so sorry cozette. we don't have much for your own specific journey....i would see about finding a professional that can support you and care for you as you walk through this. i know it hurts and it's painful, but there are therapists out there you can trust to help you. if you message me through info@hope-now.com and ask them to push it to me i can see what else i can do for you.
Samuel, I’m curious about the types of affairs. My husband and I have spoken about differences between emotional and physical affairs, but he claims there’s also “kinship” affairs as well. Could you maybe share any knowledge into this type of affair? It is the same as an emotional affair or is it different??
i'm not sure what that refers to. we have an article called six types of affairs you can find here: www.affairrecovery.com/types-of-affairs what sort of struggle are you all having? i hope the article helps provide clarity for you. thank you.
Thank you for your reply, Samuel. I sent a very lengthy email explaining our situation to Affair Recovery looking for a source of support. I have not seen a reply, but even just typing everything out was therapeutic in a way. I know you guys are very, very busy. Anyway, I really appreciate the help you’ve offered through your blog posts and videos.
Yup not going to happen any time soon and im from christian faith. Theres a country song Called i pray and it is definately a song i love concerning the way i feel. Maybe one day ill feel . different.
My wife's APs' spouses don't know what my wife did with their husbands. I want to tell them. People knew what my wife was doing and didn't tell me, and I hate all of them for it. Now that it's over, I don't lnow what is right for me to do.
Samuel what if there were several affair partners all at the same time?Although I believe that there was a main one and I’m not going lie.. I messaged her and told her what comes around goes around!
I do come from faith but she watched my husband’s social media posts and even liked one of our photos together one time.. so she definitely knew that he was a married man from the start and in fact I believe they all did.. so unfortunately there is no real recovery for us! It’s just time to end it!
hi sarah, forgiving the affair partner is for you. it sets you free. forgiveness does not equal or mean or even imply reconciliation. it simply means, i forgive them, let them go, wish them the best and move on.
What do you do when the partner lives on the same street and you see them daily?
hi chris. i'm so sorry. that's rough indeed. i would move honestly. i really, really would. i would find a way to find a new place to live and new area without that every day reminder. drastic step yes. worth it, yes.
Overcoming Infidelity Wow! The thought of that is drastic. My husband also has an affair partner in our neighborhood that I see often (but not everyday). I mentioned moving and changing jobs to my therapist who then asked “Why should you have to run?” My husband also suggested I find another job...I’ve always been tied “not running” because I don’t want to feel like a coward. Now I wonder if it would have suffered less in doing so.
Overcoming Infidelity Thank you for responding to our questions.
i get it....i understand the approach that says 'why should i have to be the one that runs' but i also understand the peace of not having to see the affair partner every single dang day and the peace that comes from having a safe place like your own home ya know? there is nothing wrong whatsoever with moving and gaining a new level of peace. at some level, these are the consequences to his actions, AND if moving gives you a new level of peace and hope and rest, then shoot, i'm moving ya know?!!!!
Overcoming Infidelity Yes! Thank you, you’re absolutely right. I’m totally in pursuit of peace.
Hi Samuel. I am currently struggling with forgiving and forgetting the AP. My husband and her are both in the military and unfortunately work together for now and the frustration I feel about us being stuck at our current station for another year is an understatement. However, I’m really struggling right now with the fact that my husband and the person who encouraged him to have the affair are still good friends. It’s been 10 months after D day and after that they talk regularly on Snapchat so I’m not able to see their conversations. My question is how do I set boundaries with him and his “friend”? I haven’t been able to take any action on this matter because I don’t want to tell him who he can and can’t be friends with but their relationship makes me very upset. I have unfriended and unfollowed him on all social media and have told my husband that I never want anything to do him and I really wish he would stop being friends with him too but I don’t know what to do.
hi there. it's tough my friend. i would buy the book on boundaries and read it and see IF and how you want to implement boundaries into the situation. i don't think you're going to be able to just 'grin and bear it' with all you've been through. here is the book: www.amazon.com/stores/page/117013FC-6C55-4118-A67E-4B52671CB677?store_ref=SB_A05999783VV1XND15710K&pf_rd_p=3ff6092e-8451-438b-8278-7e94064b4d42&hsa_cr_id=5907693030301&lp_slot=auto-sparkle-hsa-tetris&lp_asins=0310243149,0310243157,0310200342&lp_mat_key=boundaries%20book&lp_query=boundaries%20book&sb-ci-n=headline&sb-ci-v=When%20to%20Say%20Yes%2C%20How%20to%20Say%20No.%20Find%20%22Boundaries.%22 it's tough to get through the pain of it all, but at some level, he is doing something you're not comfortable with. if it's something that you feel strongly enough to not tolerate or accept, you're probably going to have to hold your ground and ask him to respect that boundary. if not, he will have to face the consequences of you not being willing to tolerate that relationship.
Thank you Samuel! I just ordered it. I enjoy watching your videos and really appreciate what you guys do at Affair Recovery. Sometimes I’ll binge watch your videos to feel peace and sane.
@@TheVelvet2007 i'm thrilled to be a friend. it's an honor. i'm sorry for the pain but glad you found the site and the videos. keep going friend, don't give up on you and your own healing. binge away, you'd be surprised how many do the same. it's humbling
I understand. The military life sucks
Hi, i couldt find any success stories regarding walkaway wives. I feel there is no hope for my wife and my marriage as she is with the ap. We have a kid together, is there any straategies or hope? Thanks
i would ask her to get expert help with you before you finalize the divorce. would she do something like our ems weekend as a hail mary if you will? maybe asking her to do that and if it doesn't work you can divorce and move on and if it works, then you give it time to see about the future? what do you think? here is the weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend many couples come as a last resort who have filed, or are about to file and are completely unsure about the marriage and future. it's very normal. you both will feel very safe, though she is actively pursuing the affair partner.
Hell nah, AP can eat a bag of nails.
Can't do it.
I agree, ask the Lord Jesus to help you forgive. Not for them but for you
Sam I enjoyed this made sense to me. Not going to do it!
The gateway to Heaven is forgiveness Jesus opened it for us. All we gotta do is walk through with practice.
I actually feel bad for my wife's affair partner. I never met him or even saw a picture of him but seriously you have to be a a wimpy Simp aka: beta male to give up 3 prime years of your life on a part time relationship with another dudes wife. Just the thought of getting sloppy seconds from another guys woman makes me feel ill and that's the best her Simp could do. Example: I took my wife & kids on a Caribbean Cruise & while we were on the cruise her Simp was in full panic mode & called her 15 times, I look at that & say OMG poor guy, literally surrounded by 1000's of single women yet he panics because his married girlfriend is betraying him by spending time with her husband.
What if you still work with this other person?
i would seriously consider finding another place to work as soon as you're able. i would also draw clear boundaries with them, not that they need to hear them, but more like they feel them. with your spouse, i would implement serious accountability measures so they feel as safe as possible while you're at work.
@@kristafainter3222 i'm glad you did. it pretty much always needs to happen unless the ap leaves first. so proud of you.
Is more difficult to forgive the affair partner when is a woman because you think that by being a woman could have been more empathic towards another woman and more rational
Never ever ever forgive
Thank you.
06:47 I needed that - and this 07:42 and this 10:26.
When the affair partner is 10s of thousands of videos and images. When the affair partner is bikini baristas that sold themselves it's a different beast
The first video that I’ve disliked
I wish i could be angry at my affair partner. I still miss mine and am having a hard time cutting off ALL communication. Is there a video for that???
Angie M. Yes there are so many videos .. they have really helped me, even though I’m still struggling they do help .
I have never wanted to be physical with either person all I've wanted to do is get my emotions out verbally.
So true
Don't worry the ap is heart broken 💔 and most often ashamed too. No need to dwell on them.