1. Get to ground zero. Full disclosure. 2. Take action. Read books and articles. Find support, and get accountability. Basically, do repair work on your own. Don’t just check the boxes they assign you. INITIATE CONVERSATIONS about triggers and recovery!! 3. Be patient. Don’t expect betrayed to say or do things before they’re ready simply because you’re suffering from withdrawal. 4. Sacrifice. Whatever that means for you. Voluntarily lighten the load of the betrayed. Don’t complain and be consistent. It makes a difference.
Yep. THIS. Don't give the betrayed lip service, then keep your business-as-usual behavior (with or without "acting out") and pressure or lecture the betrayed about their own recovery. Unfaithful: QUIT the secrecy from your spouse; QUIT compartmentalizing your life; QUIT putting one ounce of onus on the betrayed as if they are somehow responsible for any of your behavior. OWN IT. EVERY DAY. Then maybe we'll see you differently. Amen.
At 18 yrs from Dday, Here's my experience and dilemma which is the worst part of feeling unsafe/safe. My spouse was my go to security/sanctuary in times of crisis. Now he was the unfaithful i ran from but left me with no one to run to for this devastating revolation. I know this sounds weird but I now see him as a split personality.
It doesn’t sound crazy because this is exactly where I am. Found out his infidelities 3 months ago and he went from being my sanctuary where I ALWAYS ran to being the one person I did not want to be around in any capacity because he violated our vows, lied, snuck around and cheated. I’m just in a stuck place right now. We in therapy but he continues to say “I’m doing everything right now! I come home, you can check my phone, I’m trying to show you I’ve changed” but immediately clams up and blows me off when I bring it up. This is hard.
So after more than a year of increasingly horrific discoveries, just a few months ago I found out the worst yet. I have tried, so hard, to get on the road to recovery and to support him while trying to survive this. He’s tried too. Therapy, counselling... But the way he’s let me discover it all - his ongoing lies, even if he was just afraid of how I might respond to the truth - it’s destroyed me. I have nothing left to give. I’m living in total fear of what might come next. He swears there’s nothing more, but he’s sworn that on at least a dozen occasions. So even if it’s true, how can I - stuck in a trauma pit so deep I can no longer see sunlight - find a way out? Shouldn’t I just give up? I’ve lived this for nearly two years already. Now it sounds like I have up to another 18 months before I’ll feel like a human being again. I don’t know what to do.
i'm terribly sorry. i would suggest these next steps: 1. give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. seems weird, but it's ok to feel what you're feeling and be experiencing the trauma you are. 2. find a trauma expert that can help you with the ptsd like feelings you're feeling and maybe even evaluate you for ptsd. at the very least you have betrayed spouse trauma and need healing from an expert. 3. take this course if you can for betrayed spouses: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope 4. IF you're open to restoration of the marriage, demand he get all the help possible. course on our site, ems virtual or ems in person intensive and see an expert asap. 5. don't make any major decisions right now....take it one day at a time and go slow and be kind to yourself.
Samuel you hit the nail on the head yet again. You've turned my entire recovery process around in the best way. Your passion to genuinely help is refreshing brother. You are an inspiration to me and I appreciate the consistent content of amazing information. God bless you and samantha and fam
My husband doesn’t want to do therapy and is tired of me being sad all of the time. He cheated on me January 2020. Can’t you imagine “tired of me being sad all Of the time” oops I’m sorry I’m hurt by your actions
Sam - I hope that you and your family are well. We all appreciate your work and your commitment to reaching out to our community and provide perspective on such an evil, unjust situation. Hugs to your all!
Sam, thank you for all your videos. My husband has been with his lover for over 2 years, and he does not want to do any type of recovery. He has done nothing to show true remorse at all. He has abandoned our daughter that is 14. I tried to be patient and gave him so many ways for him to rebuild his relationship with her, but he never gave her the attention she needed instead he preferred to be with the other women. Today he shows anger toward me when we did talk and at this point I have given up. I pray for him every day but I will not allow for him to continue to have control. Thank you for your videos they have been so much help to me at this time. May God continue to bless your family.
i'm so sorry Monica. i'm so glad to see you're ready to stand up for yourself and protect yourself. be strong my friend, the road is hard but not impossible. you're more courageous than you know.
Have watched so many of your videos and this is the first comment I've left, spot on. I've tried to tell my spouse that what she has done to me/us and her lack of even being able to detach from her affair partner ("ended" it a month ago, then "ended" her affair just again last weekend) and expecting me to even get a chance to be mad, grieve or even think about forgiveness is madness. Just can't thank you and all the people from this channel for helping me not think I'm taking "crazy pills"
Oh yes. That was the exact message i needed to hear right now. Thank you Sam. I’m 3 months out And doing as much work as it takes. Just hope it she sees the change for the better Thanks again
Thank for keep up with videos. They really help. It help's my wife and I who just started to process of healing after 2 /12 years. We have a road ahead of us. Great video. I need it right now.
Samuel, You have been such a help to me and my spouse since discovery and disclosure these past two years! Thank you so much! You and Samantha give me hope.
I really want to thank you for your videos. I'm a betrayed. My wife is a diagnosed bipolar sex addict. I see all the work she is putting in. But, my D day was only March 4 th. A ridiculous amount of flings in a short period of three months was uncovered. I'm trying. But, it gets so hard sometimes. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. My physical triggers, she removed out of the house. My mental trigger's. I am getting therapy for.
Good morning brother Sam. My girl and I have been going through recovery and I don't think I can ever get over the betrayal from her but these videos are really working magic. She asks for forgiveness and gets frustrated until she cries and yells out in anger and then cries more than before. I hope she really becomes a better human being. Thanks and God bless you
I'm trying to move forward as a betrayed spouse. Although hes done some things to help but I still have moments where I feel extremely distant, sad and hurt. I've been triggered and get lost in my head with thoughts even though I try to prevent it. However, hes not done online work, hes not changed very much in fact hes reverted a little to how he was before. When I send him videos like these he gets irritated. I feel like he thinks hes above the process. Hes convinced he'd never do it again and because I still have triggers and moments I'm trying to constantly fight with him and I dont want to get better. When I have these moments I'm just wanting to make him as miserable as I am. Then he goes back to being hurtful and saying hurtful things. Its closing my heart to him. I dont know how to stop my heart from closing without feeling like I have to stop talking about what's bothering me for his sake. I feel trapped. What do I do?
thank you for reaching out. what repair work have you done? counseling? online work? etc? that will help me and how long ago was disclosure? if you can provide that info that will help me.. thanks so much.
I totally relate. It's been 20 years since dday. I've forgiven my Unfaithful. Most days I forget what transpired but sometimes a trigger happens and these thoughts pervade. My spouse feels his will is strong enough to remain true but I have no such assurances. He still has repeatedly refused to do the one thing I begged when we got back together which is getting our marriage blessed by my church (he's not catholic). I am so incredibly resentful that he continues to stall. He knows he doesn't need to convert to catholicism but just refuses to renew our vows so that I can be in full Communion with my church. I know he's sacrificed his relationship with his family for our marriage. (They've tolerated me but never embraced me bc of my ethnicity and faithwalk). I still see there's more for our journey to grow but not sure if he wants to
Just stumbled across this a few days after my spouse revealed the affair to me. We're working on it - thank you so much for this. You'll have no idea how hopeful this makes me feel.
After 3 years I learned sometimes the Betrayed won't get help because it's up to the unfaithful to fix themselves. Betrayed didn't do anything wrong, it was done to them. So the unfaithful needs to be the one to fix themselves. With that said...after years of the unfaithful doing everything to improve and change and then the betrayed still isn't satisfied and still shames you for what you did to them...what then? The unfaithful impacted the relationship but now we are talking about 2 people in the relationship growing together. The thing about ANY relationship (affair or not) is growing and healing TOGETHER. Yes, one person caused it. But no matter what trauma people have been through, you still need to heal and get better. Most of the time this isn't with the person who hurt you. It can be from childhood/adulthood. Either way, BOTH need to do the work to get better.
I'm the betrayed, the cheated on here. What can you do if the unfaithful never disclosed and even upon your finding and calling them out they still don't make a disclosure. No admission, no owning. The best I can get to my prodding her is silence. So how can you go into recovery when the wound is yet to be acknowledged fully on both sides?
Thank you for this Samuel. It helped me and also moved me to emotional tears. So sad that we hurt one another like this. So much is lost because of it and it’s time we can never recover. Hopefully there will be lessons learned in this difficult. struggle.
Samuel., I am a betrayed. It has been 5 years. We've never really talked, it only comes up when we're falling apart. I am so broken... and I know he is. But for the life of me I can get him to accept we need help. I'm trying so hard to find help for myself. Watching all you videos has helped me some. With no money and no support in it 5 years and I am still drowning. And its like it's all just my problem.
this program is free for you alone or for both of you: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp you can use this scholarship application to get help for you or for him and take any of our online courses: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request perhaps a strong line in the sand will help him understand getting help is not optional? either of these approaches may work for you: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
I am the unfaithful and I ruined my life for a cheap thrill under the influence of things , but nonetheless I made my choices- I told him yesterday ( my boyfriend) about a one time affair last year, and I'm in pain. I'm in pain over everything that I've put him through, this man was good to me, he was amazing to me, he was perfect. I hate myself, I can only pray to God that he doesn't change who he is and goes forward loving someone or being loved by someone who doesn't betray him the way I did.
Well if it’s like my situation he’ll have been poisoned, and will find a much better partner. But after years of bad signs from her (probably from her reacting to his distrust and fear to commit through drama/issues), he’ll snap and act out when the timing is perfect. Perfectly awful. She says they’re done and sends him away, some crazy girl jumps his bones (something that never happened before) and he caves like a coward and weakling. And ruins his perfect family.
It’s been 3 weeks since I found out about my husband. He swears he never touched her,but that’s not what their texts say. I am dying inside. I need the truth and he won’t admit it. 💔
If it were me, I’d insist on a clean polygraph from the most qualified source before I would go any further with my spouse. They are skilled, career liars!!!
@@stacysnider4899polygraphs are bogus. People can change, but they have to want to. The problem is they’ve ruined their chance to be believed, polygraph or not. They’re also hundreds of dollars per question, so...
The thing is he needs to be able to open up and communicate WHY he did this. Until he does this I can’t move through the pain, the hurt, the anger and rage. I feel like I’m in an emotional prison
What if it gets called victim blaming when he does, even if he very clearly states he blames nothing but himself? Not circumstance, not stress or alcohol, not the other person? Just himself. And then it’s called victim blaming to answer the question he’s asked. What then?
When you are separated, it's difficult to clean the house and cook dinner. How long does the separation last. It seems difficult to me that you can restore the relationship if you are living in two separate homes. I understand the steps you are speaking to - but how do you get back to being "together" to move forward?
This! It’s been almost 3years sinceDDay and I haven’t seen any kind of action and commitment to get help. He isn’t worried about getting help, reading, videos... that’s the problem. I dove into all this at the begging, I was the one to decide we needed therapy. I have been the one to read books, videos, articles, and have not received the same thing in return. With two small girls, I have been patient and can’t keep allowing myself to keep being miserable.
He lied for 38 years! We were separated from another infidelity. I asked him if he had slept with anyone and he said no. So we got back together. Then he had another affair infidelity. Anyway he got a guilty conscience at 65 years old then he trickled truth and gaslighted for another nine nine months and I still don’t believe him. It’s been 10 months and still more. Samuel it’s bad because he swore on my children and god and I take those things very seriously .. he hurt me so bad I can’t forgive or believe him. How do I deal with this. I was doing so well but the therapist told me he was lying be prepared!
i think you have to take the next season of your life and work on you and your own healing. here is a course we offer: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i would also read books on infidelity to heal, as well as a book on trauma, two actually you can find here: www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/B00OBT7KAO/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3QD1IGXWQCCKX&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1585589579&sprefix=the+body+keeps%2Caps%2C167&sr=8-3 www.amazon.com/Grief-Recovery-Handbook-Anniversary-Expanded/dp/B07T2PYDH3/ref=sr_1_1?crid=18W31YT6T6BVT&keywords=grief+recovery+handbook&qid=1585589597&s=audible&sprefix=grief+%2Caudible%2C183&sr=1-1 when we're able to get back to some semblance of normalcy i would find a therapist as well that can help you with betrayal trauma in the form of EMDR or ETT or both.
Sam, my wife left me after I cheated and today she finally blew up my phone text wise with how angry she is…I know that we are at a make or break point… how do I walk through this so she can see me differently?
Why do I not want him to do anything for me? I feel like it is just fake and don't mean much. Is that bad ? Well ps we are 3 months in and he will not talk to me about the AP, well without getting mad and even our marriage.
I’m an unfaithful. My betrayed is living every day like it just happened yesterday. She filed for divorce. I just want her to heal. For her own mental health. I have owned everything. Full disclosure. (Affair was emotional) I need help. ❤️
Thank you so much. D Day was only a month ago and they were having an affair for 4 years. Now we are quarantined together and have to maintain normalcy as much as we can for the kids. Sometimes it just seems so impossible. These videos keep me sane. Keep em coming. Thank you
I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm female, and I was the unfaithful. I can't imagine going back to my early days on one month after D day. I can tell you this....IT TRULY DID GET BETTER. And here's how....with me alone watching Sam's videos. I could never get him to watch. But I watched and applied it to our recovery. We are close to normalcy. We are rebuilding. Even in this quarantine time....we are making the most of it. My friend...it does get better
i get it. i'm sorry. we call that 'pretend normal' and i know it can be awful at times. make sure you're getting enough time to self soothe and calm yourself down. i know the ups and downs and the frustration....it's vital you're able to take care of yourself. things i did were.....getting fresh air both with kids and alone, cooking so i had to focus and concentrate and i also love a good meal, good movies that were my favorite that i could just kind of escape into and enjoy the message of them. i hope that helps my friend.
@@AJ-ls7tn really envy...Its 3 mths past D day..and he is still refusing to talk to me.. I had to move out. To give him space... He isn't responding to my messages.. and I decided to not text him cos perhaps he want space. I didn't waste anytime, I'm still doing all the work needed. Therapy, lots of reading, online courses and lots of videos.
After it came out that my husband has been unfaithful to me many times over the years, I always thought that anybody who has cheated, I would automatically hate, find absolutely disgusting and the worst type of human being. But I know your story Samuel and I don't see you as any of those things. And I think it's primarily because of your knowledge on exactly what this has done to your wife, your kids, yourself, your family and friends, everybody who loves you and relies on you. There isn't a thing in life that this doesn't touch. it makes me feel better to know where you've come from and where you have now come to, and I think it's amazing. But I also think that you put an amazing amount of work into recovery, and not just anybody can do that. Your realization of your actions and the work needed to make it better, really changes how an individual sees somebody who has done something like this. I hope one day maybe I can look at my husband the same way.
thank you so much for your kind words Stephanie. they mean more than I can explain. i'm very sorry for the pain and agony you're walking through, but your heart to encourage me while in so much pain is incredibly authentic and loving. thank you for your encouragement today.
I saw no remorse or action from my wife. So, I guess I made the right decision divorcing. Had she tried, the injustice might have bothered me forever. But, maybe not. Guess I will never know, as she never tried.
To add to my initial comment, MY partner did agree to look at wedding venues 6 weeks ago where we actually ended up booking something for 2024. Since then until 1 week ago, things really did improve and I slowly see her guard come down much more until last week when she came home and said she no longer wanted to be in the relationship because she cannot forget what happened with my affair even though she has forgiven me
Hi Sam, thank you so much for this video. The real thing that should put was the part about patience… something I have failed to show. I had a horrible affair prior to the birth of our child for a mixture of reasons all wrong and very cowardly of me. I ended the affair after 2 years and myself and my betrayed spouse decided to try again and bought a new house together to try and start fresh. Whilst I’ve worked on myself, never gone back in any wrong way like even looking at a girl in the wrong way, however 2.5 years on, I think my oversight and lack of patience has caused my spouse to no longer want our relationship. We’re still living together and I just want to know if there is anything I can do to hold on to any hope that she might want to give me one last chance.
Any advice on how to see the betrayed differently when: he, someone who was raised never hearing the word no,gets upset and lashes out when you don't give in to him wanting to be intimate despite my explaining that I'm still hurting too much from his infidelity during my pregnancy? How can I see him differently when he keeps self sabotaging but won't seek help? How can I help? I've taken the tough love approach and compassionate approach but I cannot accept being lashed out at for not being comfortable and letting him have his way yet.
that's where boundaries come in. setting, establishing and defending your boundaries are key my friend. you should not have to live that way. i would also use these two resources to protect yourself: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change consequences are vital for your own safety and protection. it appears, if he's being forceful that you also need to consider the fact that he's not acting in a safe manner and that may require extreme steps like in home separation or separation altogether. if he can't respect your boundaries and safety, something is wrong.
@@samshealingpodcast thank you so much! I've separated from him already, but I will look into more boundaries as it is not good for my mentality to feel sorry for him and be there for him as it ends up with me getting lashed at. He does not want help but rather to be given what he wants and I just can't do that. Thank you so much Samuel!
You sir have saved my relationship and beyond that have made me a better man overall. I’m a recovering heroin addict who works in the addiction treatment field. I know how to treat addiction in others but I was clueless on how to treat myself in regards to betraying my spouse. I had all but given up on my relationship until in desperation I found your videos. The first one I watched radically changed my perception and I immediately took responsibility for my actions as a unfaithful. Thank you for what you do and please keep up the good work!
I really just need him to show some compassion.. at this point it’s going to drive me away. I’ve had about enough of feeling like he doesn’t care about what he did or how it’s ripping me into pieces. Plus he wants to continue talking to some of the people that he shared intimate photos with so that just keeps me in this anger and resentment stage. He sees nothing wrong with it and thinks they are just friends now but I’m not ok with that.
Thank you, Samuel! My unfortunate reality was her need to keep punishing me emotionally and controlling my life. Her best friend was my support system too, but truthfully I needed my own. In the end, I cried out and told her that I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed and angry. I told her that we need to come up with a plan, because I was starting to break down. In the end, her refusal and put all the blame on me drove me out after being kicked out one too many times, or 4 to be exact.
i'm so sorry that's awful. i certainly don't know enough about your situation to know how things have gone, but you have every right to be angry and upset.
Is been hard for me we struggle to get on are feet I 2017 was bad for us I lost got very sick they find cancer in my uterus and everything was going not good but right hijos been cheating on me many times never meet the person but always chatting with many so I have forgive him because I know God. Is. Not going to leave us but I pray for God to take him. From my life if he was not for me .. but never thought would her so much and. Him doing the things he doing is low
I'm the unfaithful spouse. I have been watching videos and reading articles. I'm about to go to my library and get some books as well. I'm a stay at home mom and we have one income. We can't afford for me to get help/counseling. Even though I want to do all the right things. Any recommendations for remaining patient while pregnant? My spouse separated and moved out a month after we found out I was pregnant. I've been dealing with constant morning sickness, nausea, and fatigue as well as the 2 young kids by myself. I'm trying to keep up with all the house chores, budget, finances, emotional work and helping trauma. It just feels like so much when on top of pregnancy. My spouse says he needs time to heal but doesn't give an amount of time. I'm due the end of October. You say 12-24 months to fully heal. If he isn't home before the baby is born how will I take care of a newborn, myself, and the kids?
Do you have any advice for me I'm the betrayed spouse my husband moved out November 2019 he has been having an affair since April 2019 he has filed for divorce and it's not finalized I'm a believer and I have been praying and I don't want this divorce and he knows it but is moving forward with it anyway do you have any advice for me? I'm praying that God will redeem heal restore and reconcile our marriage do you think he will ever come back ?
hi melony. i don't think he will my friend. it appears to me that the writing is on the wall and it's best to move on. you have more life ahead of you. you have more of your own story ahead and if he's living with her and moved out, to me he's made his choice. i would encourage you to start moving forward with your own healing and your own repair work to heal from the trauma you'be been subjected to. i'm so sorry for your pain and the loss.
Very useful information... But in my case there is something different.I been married for 28 years. Just a month ago I realized that he is cheating on me and I caught him,the pain I felt and still feeling is indescribable. I watched your videos but I'm confused because my husband is an alcoholic. He is well educated man and alcoholic for 6-7 years and recently sober for 2 years. Now in that case I don't know how to react or deal with my situation.?
him being sober for two years negates the fact that alcohol is causing him to act out since he's been sober for two years, but is still cheating. he needs help my friend. he needs to do repair work and get serious about his own recovery work.
What do you Samuel when the unfaithful just stops trying, stops going to counseling, stopped working on our marriage, will not talk, will not do the work? I’m at my wits end.
it appears to be time to consider an ultimatum as that can't be ok. if they think it's ok, they will most likely continue to do it. here is some help with that: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
My wife had two affairs, from 2010 to 2015 when she told me. The first one was 4 1/2 years with included infidelity. 8/11/24 is when I learned the truth. I did not know it was going on. She was my angel, she had sex with the first and the second was tring very hard as well Through watching your videos, I have healed a great deal. But the sex thing has defeated me . I love her with my very being. I am triggered by so many things. I need to to get past that. Thankyou for your help.
Your videos have been so very helpful. But unfortunately the other partner might not want to hear the message. Even if the videos were sent to them. Some people are just not capable of thinking.
Even now I still miss her at times.Sometimes even wish I could just make it up to her if only she would give me a chance! BUT...I don't know sometimes.I'm sure she's done and I think it's best we're done but I don't know? Maybe it's just the trauma bond? I just gotta keep working on myself,stay focused on work,my kids & trying to get back into spiritual things.
As the unfaithful spouse, I was told...” I love you but I’m not in love with you because you broke me.” We split a year ago and have STILL been in limbo. He see’s me different thankfully but not fully in love. I tried to be a better boyfriend this past year and now he feels like all my pressure has been forcing us to be back together. He admits he just wants to work on himself and remain great friends. I don’t want to be too forceful but how do I re-establish our connection?
1. be patient. 2. do your own work for sure. healing, improving, confronting and being kind to yourself while addressing what needs to be addressed is vital. 3. be patient. ((yes, saying it again)) and 4. see how reengaging goes...maybe talking, maybe allow the friendship to evolve...maybe the romance will continue maybe it will fade. something is better than nothing at this point.
I really like your videos but I don't think doing your share of the housework should be framed as a "sacrifice" or something you do "for" her. It should be something you both do because you both live there.
I betrayed my wife. 3 times mind you. We are 6 years into marriage with 4 kids. D*Day she caught me watching porn. I realized unfortunately then I had a serious problem and had to be honest and tell her and face it. She has removed her ring and told me to consider myself single. I'm hurt but nowhere near as hurt as she could possibly be. I found a therapist and scheduled immediately...3 weeks from now was earliest. Im on the couch now. Nights are hardest and loneliest but im willing to fight the uphill battle to win her back again, hopefully. I realize she may never take me back and divorce me even if I change for the better. I want to be better to be a fully realizef person on my own. I just want her to be with me when I'm that person as well. Thank you for these videos! They really do help. Especially not condemning we betrayers.
hi there. thanks for reaching out. this video i did a while ago will help: ua-cam.com/video/qpc127_dAmo/v-deo.html see what you think after that my friend.
When you talk about patient. It is hard to be patient when you know your spouse is on dating sites while I am trying to get better. How do I deal with that?
i don't know that you need to be patient with that. that to me sounds like something you should not tolerate and that you should consider drawing a boundary and possibly even demanding they stop. these two resources should help and empower you: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate
My husband caught me cheating last week via texts, Emotional and physical touch. I lied to my husband and his thoughts are if he didn’t find out how long and how far would this have gone. He said the woman he married died... we are in quarantine and are in the same house. I been watching these videos, I’m trying to equip my self in understanding how to save the relationship. This is all so fresh and raw, I’m not sure what I can do at this stage
Hi Samuel, I am the uf spouse. 8 months to discovery. Was subject to an r'ship for 3 months. Separated since the discovery day. My 3 yr old baby is with the spouse. Going through the most heart wrenching experience. Pls help. Feel suicidal. The world's got against me.
hi there. if you are feeling suicidal please call the suicide hotline asap at: 1-800-273-8255 this course will help you immensely my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing the world is not against you, though it may feel like that. it's vital you get the help you need for your own healing and your own support. you can make it and you can heal. you can see all of our free resources here: www.affairrecovery.com/free-resources-home
Lord we bind and rebuke the spirit of suicide and worthlessness. No one is worthless and beyond help. It takes time, this is your time to heal and it's a process. Do not give up. This is your chance to let God love you and love yourself so you can heal and live the best life ahead of you, His mercy are new every day. Choose you this day, Blessings and Life. You are Loved by God and He has a purpose and a hope for you. The enemy will not win this battle! I pray you humble yourself and surrendered it all to the one who can heal you, one day at a time. Blessings. From a betrayed 🛡🤺🙏🌈💖💖💖
they can certainly love their spouse...the whole 'in love' issue is gray. fact is, as we get older and more mature we realize love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. an unfaithful, can love their spouse yet still cheat. it's not being loving at all, of course, but they can love their spouse.
It’s been 2 1/2 years. Done everything you mentioned. It happened 20 years ago. I have told them every single peace of information I can remember. The puzzle will never be complete. They do not want to go to therapy because they will never get the full story. 😞
Can you just tell me how to breathe? Just breathe. No tears on the exhale, no more palpitations, no more agony and just breathe?
one day at a time my friend. sometimes one hour at a time.
♥️ so sorry for you. Time & patience with yourself. I'm praying for you. I understand ♥️
God do I understand that feeling oh so well 😞
Yes, friend. I also just want to get through a day without crying.
I’ve been struggling with that. Work has been really hard, had a big break down at work yesterday when a colleague asked if I was ok.
1. Get to ground zero. Full disclosure. 2. Take action. Read books and articles. Find support, and get accountability. Basically, do repair work on your own. Don’t just check the boxes they assign you. INITIATE CONVERSATIONS about triggers and recovery!! 3. Be patient. Don’t expect betrayed to say or do things before they’re ready simply because you’re suffering from withdrawal. 4. Sacrifice. Whatever that means for you. Voluntarily lighten the load of the betrayed. Don’t complain and be consistent. It makes a difference.
ForeverCurlyCatrina REPEAT 🔁.
Thank you so much for your videos, they really hit to the heart of what I am going through with my husband , and how we can and are making progress.
Yep. THIS. Don't give the betrayed lip service, then keep your business-as-usual behavior (with or without "acting out") and pressure or lecture the betrayed about their own recovery.
Unfaithful:
QUIT the secrecy from your spouse;
QUIT compartmentalizing your life;
QUIT putting one ounce of onus on the betrayed as if they are somehow responsible for any of your behavior.
OWN IT. EVERY DAY. Then maybe we'll see you differently.
Amen.
Yes. This is so true. If my husband had just owned up to what he was doing and quit her right away….it would have been so much better now.
At 18 yrs from Dday, Here's my experience and dilemma which is the worst part of feeling unsafe/safe. My spouse was my go to security/sanctuary in times of crisis. Now he was the unfaithful i ran from but left me with no one to run to for this devastating revolation. I know this sounds weird but I now see him as a split personality.
It doesn’t sound crazy because this is exactly where I am. Found out his infidelities 3 months ago and he went from being my sanctuary where I ALWAYS ran to being the one person I did not want to be around in any capacity because he violated our vows, lied, snuck around and cheated. I’m just in a stuck place right now. We in therapy but he continues to say “I’m doing everything right now! I come home, you can check my phone, I’m trying to show you I’ve changed” but immediately clams up and blows me off when I bring it up. This is hard.
18 years??!! How are you now at 21 years?
So after more than a year of increasingly horrific discoveries, just a few months ago I found out the worst yet. I have tried, so hard, to get on the road to recovery and to support him while trying to survive this. He’s tried too. Therapy, counselling... But the way he’s let me discover it all - his ongoing lies, even if he was just afraid of how I might respond to the truth - it’s destroyed me. I have nothing left to give. I’m living in total fear of what might come next. He swears there’s nothing more, but he’s sworn that on at least a dozen occasions. So even if it’s true, how can I - stuck in a trauma pit so deep I can no longer see sunlight - find a way out? Shouldn’t I just give up? I’ve lived this for nearly two years already. Now it sounds like I have up to another 18 months before I’ll feel like a human being again. I don’t know what to do.
i'm terribly sorry. i would suggest these next steps: 1. give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. seems weird, but it's ok to feel what you're feeling and be experiencing the trauma you are. 2. find a trauma expert that can help you with the ptsd like feelings you're feeling and maybe even evaluate you for ptsd. at the very least you have betrayed spouse trauma and need healing from an expert. 3. take this course if you can for betrayed spouses: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope 4. IF you're open to restoration of the marriage, demand he get all the help possible. course on our site, ems virtual or ems in person intensive and see an expert asap. 5. don't make any major decisions right now....take it one day at a time and go slow and be kind to yourself.
Hi Ella please how are you guys doing now?
Samuel you hit the nail on the head yet again. You've turned my entire recovery process around in the best way. Your passion to genuinely help is refreshing brother. You are an inspiration to me and I appreciate the consistent content of amazing information. God bless you and samantha and fam
thanks so much Andrew. means more than you know. honored to be a part of your journey.
My husband doesn’t want to do therapy and is tired of me being sad all of the time. He cheated on me January 2020. Can’t you imagine “tired of me being sad all
Of the time” oops I’m sorry I’m hurt by your actions
Thank you for taking time to do these. I'm blessed to have access to your knowledge and grateful you care to share ❤️❤️
thank YOU so much
Sam - I hope that you and your family are well. We all appreciate your work and your commitment to reaching out to our community and provide perspective on such an evil, unjust situation. Hugs to your all!
we are all doing quite well and safe. all the kids are home too. though, they are miserable in quarantine. hahaha. thank you for your kind words.
Sam, thank you for all your videos. My husband has been with his lover for over 2 years, and he does not want to do any type of recovery. He has done nothing to show true remorse at all. He has abandoned our daughter that is 14. I tried to be patient and gave him so many ways for him to rebuild his relationship with her, but he never gave her the attention she needed instead he preferred to be with the other women. Today he shows anger toward me when we did talk and at this point I have given up. I pray for him every day but I will not allow for him to continue to have control. Thank you for your videos they have been so much help to me at this time. May God continue to bless your family.
i'm so sorry Monica. i'm so glad to see you're ready to stand up for yourself and protect yourself. be strong my friend, the road is hard but not impossible. you're more courageous than you know.
Have watched so many of your videos and this is the first comment I've left, spot on. I've tried to tell my spouse that what she has done to me/us and her lack of even being able to detach from her affair partner ("ended" it a month ago, then "ended" her affair just again last weekend) and expecting me to even get a chance to be mad, grieve or even think about forgiveness is madness. Just can't thank you and all the people from this channel for helping me not think I'm taking "crazy pills"
Thank you for still making these videos. I look forward to watching them each week.
means a ton to hear that my friend. thanks for watching.
I belong to infidelity support groups and am asked for help daily. I direct them to you. Thank you for everything you do.
thank you so much for trusting me with your people. so glad i could be a safe place for them.
can I join the support group? I need one
Oh yes. That was the exact message i needed to hear right now. Thank you Sam. I’m 3 months out And doing as much work as it takes. Just hope it she sees the change for the better Thanks again
Thank for keep up with videos. They really help. It help's my wife and I who just started to process of healing after 2 /12 years. We have a road ahead of us. Great video. I need it right now.
thank you for the kind words. glad you're here.
Samuel, You have been such a help to me and my spouse since discovery and disclosure these past two years! Thank you so much! You and Samantha give me hope.
I really want to thank you for your videos. I'm a betrayed. My wife is a diagnosed bipolar sex addict. I see all the work she is putting in. But, my D day was only March 4 th. A ridiculous amount of flings in a short period of three months was uncovered. I'm trying. But, it gets so hard sometimes. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. My physical triggers, she removed out of the house. My mental trigger's. I am getting therapy for.
I've been.
Watching the videos without liking or subscribing, but after 20 or so videos..
this one has been by far most helpful. Thank you
Good morning brother Sam. My girl and I have been going through recovery and I don't think I can ever get over the betrayal from her but these videos are really working magic. She asks for forgiveness and gets frustrated until she cries and yells out in anger and then cries more than before. I hope she really becomes a better human being. Thanks and God bless you
I'm trying to move forward as a betrayed spouse. Although hes done some things to help but I still have moments where I feel extremely distant, sad and hurt. I've been triggered and get lost in my head with thoughts even though I try to prevent it. However, hes not done online work, hes not changed very much in fact hes reverted a little to how he was before. When I send him videos like these he gets irritated. I feel like he thinks hes above the process. Hes convinced he'd never do it again and because I still have triggers and moments I'm trying to constantly fight with him and I dont want to get better. When I have these moments I'm just wanting to make him as miserable as I am. Then he goes back to being hurtful and saying hurtful things. Its closing my heart to him. I dont know how to stop my heart from closing without feeling like I have to stop talking about what's bothering me for his sake. I feel trapped. What do I do?
thank you for reaching out. what repair work have you done? counseling? online work? etc? that will help me and how long ago was disclosure? if you can provide that info that will help me.. thanks so much.
I totally relate. It's been 20 years since dday. I've forgiven my Unfaithful. Most days I forget what transpired but sometimes a trigger happens and these thoughts pervade. My spouse feels his will is strong enough to remain true but I have no such assurances. He still has repeatedly refused to do the one thing I begged when we got back together which is getting our marriage blessed by my church (he's not catholic). I am so incredibly resentful that he continues to stall. He knows he doesn't need to convert to catholicism but just refuses to renew our vows so that I can be in full Communion with my church. I know he's sacrificed his relationship with his family for our marriage. (They've tolerated me but never embraced me bc of my ethnicity and faithwalk). I still see there's more for our journey to grow but not sure if he wants to
Just stumbled across this a few days after my spouse revealed the affair to me. We're working on it - thank you so much for this. You'll have no idea how hopeful this makes me feel.
After 3 years I learned sometimes the Betrayed won't get help because it's up to the unfaithful to fix themselves. Betrayed didn't do anything wrong, it was done to them. So the unfaithful needs to be the one to fix themselves. With that said...after years of the unfaithful doing everything to improve and change and then the betrayed still isn't satisfied and still shames you for what you did to them...what then? The unfaithful impacted the relationship but now we are talking about 2 people in the relationship growing together. The thing about ANY relationship (affair or not) is growing and healing TOGETHER. Yes, one person caused it. But no matter what trauma people have been through, you still need to heal and get better. Most of the time this isn't with the person who hurt you. It can be from childhood/adulthood. Either way, BOTH need to do the work to get better.
I'm the betrayed, the cheated on here. What can you do if the unfaithful never disclosed and even upon your finding and calling them out they still don't make a disclosure. No admission, no owning. The best I can get to my prodding her is silence. So how can you go into recovery when the wound is yet to be acknowledged fully on both sides?
Thank you for this Samuel. It helped me and also moved me to emotional tears. So sad that we hurt one another like this. So much is lost because of it and it’s time we can never recover. Hopefully there will be lessons learned in this difficult. struggle.
Samuel., I am a betrayed. It has been 5 years. We've never really talked, it only comes up when we're falling apart. I am so broken... and I know he is. But for the life of me I can get him to accept we need help. I'm trying so hard to find help for myself. Watching all you videos has helped me some. With no money and no support in it 5 years and I am still drowning. And its like it's all just my problem.
this program is free for you alone or for both of you: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp you can use this scholarship application to get help for you or for him and take any of our online courses: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request perhaps a strong line in the sand will help him understand getting help is not optional? either of these approaches may work for you: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
I feel for you. It's been 9 years for me and I can't get over it. I'm starting to think the only way for me to get over it is divorce.
Thanks as (almost😏) always Samuel nailed it. Thank you so much for continuing to do these during these difficult unprecedented times.
my pleasure.
Thank you for making these videos. For the first time in a long time, I feel understood.....not so alone.
This is such a great video OMG I'm so glad I ran into this channel. This is my life right now. I have high hopes that my marriage Will Survive
I am the unfaithful and I ruined my life for a cheap thrill under the influence of things , but nonetheless I made my choices- I told him yesterday ( my boyfriend) about a one time affair last year, and I'm in pain. I'm in pain over everything that I've put him through, this man was good to me, he was amazing to me, he was perfect. I hate myself, I can only pray to God that he doesn't change who he is and goes forward loving someone or being loved by someone who doesn't betray him the way I did.
Well if it’s like my situation he’ll have been poisoned, and will find a much better partner. But after years of bad signs from her (probably from her reacting to his distrust and fear to commit through drama/issues), he’ll snap and act out when the timing is perfect. Perfectly awful. She says they’re done and sends him away, some crazy girl jumps his bones (something that never happened before) and he caves like a coward and weakling. And ruins his perfect family.
It’s been 3 weeks since I found out about my husband. He swears he never touched her,but that’s not what their texts say. I am dying inside. I need the truth and he won’t admit it. 💔
Wish you healing and all the best that this world has to offer. 🌍
Hopefully you learn to value yourself where he doesn't.
If it were me, I’d insist on a clean polygraph from the most qualified source before I would go any further with my spouse.
They are skilled, career liars!!!
@@stacysnider4899polygraphs are bogus. People can change, but they have to want to. The problem is they’ve ruined their chance to be believed, polygraph or not.
They’re also hundreds of dollars per question, so...
The thing is he needs to be able to open up and communicate WHY he did this. Until he does this I can’t move through the pain, the hurt, the anger and rage. I feel like I’m in an emotional prison
What if it gets called victim blaming when he does, even if he very clearly states he blames nothing but himself? Not circumstance, not stress or alcohol, not the other person? Just himself. And then it’s called victim blaming to answer the question he’s asked. What then?
Nailed it!!! This is so accurate on every point! Thanks for continuing to make these videos during the #coronacraycray.
you're too kind. thank you my friend.
When you are separated, it's difficult to clean the house and cook dinner. How long does the separation last. It seems difficult to me that you can restore the relationship if you are living in two separate homes. I understand the steps you are speaking to - but how do you get back to being "together" to move forward?
This! It’s been almost 3years sinceDDay and I haven’t seen any kind of action and commitment to get help. He isn’t worried about getting help, reading, videos... that’s the problem. I dove into all this at the begging, I was the one to decide we needed therapy. I have been the one to read books, videos, articles, and have not received the same thing in return. With two small girls, I have been patient and can’t keep allowing myself to keep being miserable.
Thank you so much, My husband hasn't even told me everything that happened, I have no clue what to do.
Wait till he do full disclosure
He lied for 38 years! We were separated from another infidelity. I asked him if he had slept with anyone and he said no. So we got back together. Then he had another affair infidelity. Anyway he got a guilty conscience at 65 years old then he trickled truth and gaslighted for another nine nine months and I still don’t believe him. It’s been 10 months and still more. Samuel it’s bad because he swore on my children and god and I take those things very seriously .. he hurt me so bad I can’t forgive or believe him. How do I deal with this. I was doing so well but the therapist told me he was lying be prepared!
i think you have to take the next season of your life and work on you and your own healing. here is a course we offer: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i would also read books on infidelity to heal, as well as a book on trauma, two actually you can find here: www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/B00OBT7KAO/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3QD1IGXWQCCKX&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1585589579&sprefix=the+body+keeps%2Caps%2C167&sr=8-3 www.amazon.com/Grief-Recovery-Handbook-Anniversary-Expanded/dp/B07T2PYDH3/ref=sr_1_1?crid=18W31YT6T6BVT&keywords=grief+recovery+handbook&qid=1585589597&s=audible&sprefix=grief+%2Caudible%2C183&sr=1-1 when we're able to get back to some semblance of normalcy i would find a therapist as well that can help you with betrayal trauma in the form of EMDR or ETT or both.
Sam, my wife left me after I cheated and today she finally blew up my phone text wise with how angry she is…I know that we are at a make or break point… how do I walk through this so she can see me differently?
Why do I not want him to do anything for me? I feel like it is just fake and don't mean much. Is that bad ? Well ps we are 3 months in and he will not talk to me about the AP, well without getting mad and even our marriage.
I’m an unfaithful. My betrayed is living every day like it just happened yesterday. She filed for divorce. I just want her to heal. For her own mental health. I have owned everything. Full disclosure. (Affair was emotional) I need help. ❤️
Thank you so much. D Day was only a month ago and they were having an affair for 4 years. Now we are quarantined together and have to maintain normalcy as much as we can for the kids. Sometimes it just seems so impossible. These videos keep me sane. Keep em coming. Thank you
I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm female, and I was the unfaithful. I can't imagine going back to my early days on one month after D day. I can tell you this....IT TRULY DID GET BETTER. And here's how....with me alone watching Sam's videos. I could never get him to watch. But I watched and applied it to our recovery. We are close to normalcy. We are rebuilding. Even in this quarantine time....we are making the most of it. My friend...it does get better
i get it. i'm sorry. we call that 'pretend normal' and i know it can be awful at times. make sure you're getting enough time to self soothe and calm yourself down. i know the ups and downs and the frustration....it's vital you're able to take care of yourself. things i did were.....getting fresh air both with kids and alone, cooking so i had to focus and concentrate and i also love a good meal, good movies that were my favorite that i could just kind of escape into and enjoy the message of them. i hope that helps my friend.
@@AJ-ls7tn really envy...Its 3 mths past D day..and he is still refusing to talk to me.. I had to move out. To give him space... He isn't responding to my messages.. and I decided to not text him cos perhaps he want space. I didn't waste anytime, I'm still doing all the work needed. Therapy, lots of reading, online courses and lots of videos.
After it came out that my husband has been unfaithful to me many times over the years, I always thought that anybody who has cheated, I would automatically hate, find absolutely disgusting and the worst type of human being. But I know your story Samuel and I don't see you as any of those things. And I think it's primarily because of your knowledge on exactly what this has done to your wife, your kids, yourself, your family and friends, everybody who loves you and relies on you. There isn't a thing in life that this doesn't touch. it makes me feel better to know where you've come from and where you have now come to, and I think it's amazing. But I also think that you put an amazing amount of work into recovery, and not just anybody can do that. Your realization of your actions and the work needed to make it better, really changes how an individual sees somebody who has done something like this. I hope one day maybe I can look at my husband the same way.
thank you so much for your kind words Stephanie. they mean more than I can explain. i'm very sorry for the pain and agony you're walking through, but your heart to encourage me while in so much pain is incredibly authentic and loving. thank you for your encouragement today.
Cheaters change??? I think it’s possible, but unlikely. Highly unlikely. And dangerous for the betrayed to count on.
Thank you for everything Samuel.
it's an honor
These videos are helping me SO much
I saw no remorse or action from my wife. So, I guess I made the right decision divorcing. Had she tried, the injustice might have bothered me forever. But, maybe not. Guess I will never know, as she never tried.
Ronald Stark Take your peace and your freedom. I’m sorry she didn’t wake up and see and appreciate you.
To add to my initial comment,
MY partner did agree to look at wedding venues 6 weeks ago where we actually ended up booking something for 2024. Since then until 1 week ago, things really did improve and I slowly see her guard come down much more until last week when she came home and said she no longer wanted to be in the relationship because she cannot forget what happened with my affair even though she has forgiven me
GOoD one Samuel. Ty God bless you, your Family and this ministry. 🛡🤺🤜🌈🤛🙏🙏
thank you my friend.
Hi Sam, thank you so much for this video. The real thing that should put was the part about patience… something I have failed to show. I had a horrible affair prior to the birth of our child for a mixture of reasons all wrong and very cowardly of me. I ended the affair after 2 years and myself and my betrayed spouse decided to try again and bought a new house together to try and start fresh. Whilst I’ve worked on myself, never gone back in any wrong way like even looking at a girl in the wrong way, however 2.5 years on, I think my oversight and lack of patience has caused my spouse to no longer want our relationship. We’re still living together and I just want to know if there is anything I can do to hold on to any hope that she might want to give me one last chance.
Thank you this worked!
Your videos are appreciated! Godspeed.
Any advice on how to see the betrayed differently when: he, someone who was raised never hearing the word no,gets upset and lashes out when you don't give in to him wanting to be intimate despite my explaining that I'm still hurting too much from his infidelity during my pregnancy? How can I see him differently when he keeps self sabotaging but won't seek help? How can I help? I've taken the tough love approach and compassionate approach but I cannot accept being lashed out at for not being comfortable and letting him have his way yet.
that's where boundaries come in. setting, establishing and defending your boundaries are key my friend. you should not have to live that way. i would also use these two resources to protect yourself: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change consequences are vital for your own safety and protection. it appears, if he's being forceful that you also need to consider the fact that he's not acting in a safe manner and that may require extreme steps like in home separation or separation altogether. if he can't respect your boundaries and safety, something is wrong.
@@samshealingpodcast thank you so much! I've separated from him already, but I will look into more boundaries as it is not good for my mentality to feel sorry for him and be there for him as it ends up with me getting lashed at. He does not want help but rather to be given what he wants and I just can't do that. Thank you so much Samuel!
How can we connect with a therapist from your organization, not in a group setting, but a personal level. How do we find mentors?
You sir have saved my relationship and beyond that have made me a better man overall. I’m a recovering heroin addict who works in the addiction treatment field. I know how to treat addiction in others but I was clueless on how to treat myself in regards to betraying my spouse. I had all but given up on my relationship until in desperation I found your videos. The first one I watched radically changed my perception and I immediately took responsibility for my actions as a unfaithful. Thank you for what you do and please keep up the good work!
how can you get them to give you full disclosure. I cant get passed the initial pain because I see so many signs of more, and she just wont admit it.
I really just need him to show some compassion.. at this point it’s going to drive me away. I’ve had about enough of feeling like he doesn’t care about what he did or how it’s ripping me into pieces. Plus he wants to continue talking to some of the people that he shared intimate photos with so that just keeps me in this anger and resentment stage. He sees nothing wrong with it and thinks they are just friends now but I’m not ok with that.
Thank you, Samuel! My unfortunate reality was her need to keep punishing me emotionally and controlling my life. Her best friend was my support system too, but truthfully I needed my own. In the end, I cried out and told her that I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed and angry. I told her that we need to come up with a plan, because I was starting to break down. In the end, her refusal and put all the blame on me drove me out after being kicked out one too many times, or 4 to be exact.
How you react to you spouse posting pictures of him with the other woman in Facebook and you family to see this
i'm so sorry that's awful. i certainly don't know enough about your situation to know how things have gone, but you have every right to be angry and upset.
Is been hard for me we struggle to get on are feet I 2017 was bad for us I lost got very sick they find cancer in my uterus and everything was going not good but right hijos been cheating on me many times never meet the person but always chatting with many so I have forgive him because I know God. Is. Not going to leave us but I pray for God to take him. From my life if he was not for me .. but never thought would her so much and. Him doing the things he doing is low
I'm the unfaithful spouse. I have been watching videos and reading articles. I'm about to go to my library and get some books as well. I'm a stay at home mom and we have one income. We can't afford for me to get help/counseling. Even though I want to do all the right things.
Any recommendations for remaining patient while pregnant? My spouse separated and moved out a month after we found out I was pregnant. I've been dealing with constant morning sickness, nausea, and fatigue as well as the 2 young kids by myself. I'm trying to keep up with all the house chores, budget, finances, emotional work and helping trauma. It just feels like so much when on top of pregnancy. My spouse says he needs time to heal but doesn't give an amount of time. I'm due the end of October. You say 12-24 months to fully heal. If he isn't home before the baby is born how will I take care of a newborn, myself, and the kids?
It’s been 2 years now - sorry nobody has replied. Hope everything is going ok! 🙏🏻
Excellent advice.
thank you
I still trying to heal….waiting for the next wave and disclosure
I want to see her differently and I know I will but it’s only been four months
I have actually have a communication book…we have different work schedules so if something needs to be said or talked about….it goes in the book
I also bought two books online as well….I don’t ever want this to happen again EVER
Do you have any advice for me I'm the betrayed spouse my husband moved out November 2019 he has been having an affair since April 2019 he has filed for divorce and it's not finalized I'm a believer and I have been praying and I don't want this divorce and he knows it but is moving forward with it anyway do you have any advice for me? I'm praying that God will redeem heal restore and reconcile our marriage do you think he will ever come back ?
hi melony. i don't think he will my friend. it appears to me that the writing is on the wall and it's best to move on. you have more life ahead of you. you have more of your own story ahead and if he's living with her and moved out, to me he's made his choice. i would encourage you to start moving forward with your own healing and your own repair work to heal from the trauma you'be been subjected to. i'm so sorry for your pain and the loss.
Very useful information...
But in my case there is something different.I been married for 28 years. Just a month ago I realized that he is cheating on me and I caught him,the pain I felt and still feeling is indescribable. I watched your videos but I'm confused because my husband is an alcoholic. He is well educated man and alcoholic for 6-7 years and recently sober for 2 years. Now in that case I don't know how to react or deal with my situation.?
him being sober for two years negates the fact that alcohol is causing him to act out since he's been sober for two years, but is still cheating. he needs help my friend. he needs to do repair work and get serious about his own recovery work.
Thank you so much , needed to hear this.... thank u god bless
What do you Samuel when the unfaithful just stops trying, stops going to counseling, stopped working on our marriage, will not talk, will not do the work? I’m at my wits end.
it appears to be time to consider an ultimatum as that can't be ok. if they think it's ok, they will most likely continue to do it. here is some help with that: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
It sucks. I really wish we could do group together as a couple. But, this quarantine is making that impossible.
My wife had two affairs, from 2010 to 2015 when she told me. The first one was 4 1/2 years with included infidelity. 8/11/24 is when I learned the truth. I did not know it was going on. She was my angel, she had sex with the first and the second was tring very hard as well
Through watching your videos, I have healed a great deal. But the sex thing has defeated me
. I love her with my very being. I am triggered by so many things. I need to to get past that. Thankyou for your help.
Your videos have been so very helpful. But unfortunately the other partner might not want to hear the message. Even if the videos were sent to them. Some people are just not capable of thinking.
The betrayed has to be willing to see the unfaithful differently also. Exactly correct.
Should I forgive or end the marriage
Even now I still miss her at times.Sometimes even wish I could just make it up to her if only she would give me a chance! BUT...I don't know sometimes.I'm sure she's done and I think it's best we're done but I don't know? Maybe it's just the trauma bond? I just gotta keep working on myself,stay focused on work,my kids & trying to get back into spiritual things.
As the unfaithful spouse, I was told...” I love you but I’m not in love with you because you broke me.” We split a year ago and have STILL been in limbo. He see’s me different thankfully but not fully in love. I tried to be a better boyfriend this past year and now he feels like all my pressure has been forcing us to be back together. He admits he just wants to work on himself and remain great friends. I don’t want to be too forceful but how do I re-establish our connection?
1. be patient. 2. do your own work for sure. healing, improving, confronting and being kind to yourself while addressing what needs to be addressed is vital. 3. be patient. ((yes, saying it again)) and 4. see how reengaging goes...maybe talking, maybe allow the friendship to evolve...maybe the romance will continue maybe it will fade. something is better than nothing at this point.
I really like your videos but I don't think doing your share of the housework should be framed as a "sacrifice" or something you do "for" her. It should be something you both do because you both live there.
I betrayed my wife. 3 times mind you. We are 6 years into marriage with 4 kids. D*Day she caught me watching porn. I realized unfortunately then I had a serious problem and had to be honest and tell her and face it. She has removed her ring and told me to consider myself single. I'm hurt but nowhere near as hurt as she could possibly be. I found a therapist and scheduled immediately...3 weeks from now was earliest. Im on the couch now. Nights are hardest and loneliest but im willing to fight the uphill battle to win her back again, hopefully. I realize she may never take me back and divorce me even if I change for the better. I want to be better to be a fully realizef person on my own. I just want her to be with me when I'm that person as well. Thank you for these videos! They really do help. Especially not condemning we betrayers.
How do I stop comparing my spouse to my AP? I'm struggling so terribly here!! PLEASE HELP!!
hi there. thanks for reaching out. this video i did a while ago will help: ua-cam.com/video/qpc127_dAmo/v-deo.html see what you think after that my friend.
When you talk about patient. It is hard to be patient when you know your spouse is on dating sites while I am trying to get better. How do I deal with that?
i don't know that you need to be patient with that. that to me sounds like something you should not tolerate and that you should consider drawing a boundary and possibly even demanding they stop. these two resources should help and empower you: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate
My husband caught me cheating last week via texts, Emotional and physical touch. I lied to my husband and his thoughts are if he didn’t find out how long and how far would this have gone. He said the woman he married died... we are in quarantine and are in the same house. I been watching these videos, I’m trying to equip my self in understanding how to save the relationship. This is all so fresh and raw, I’m not sure what I can do at this stage
Hi Samuel,
I am the uf spouse. 8 months to discovery. Was subject to an r'ship for 3 months. Separated since the discovery day. My 3 yr old baby is with the spouse. Going through the most heart wrenching experience. Pls help. Feel suicidal. The world's got against me.
hi there. if you are feeling suicidal please call the suicide hotline asap at: 1-800-273-8255 this course will help you immensely my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing the world is not against you, though it may feel like that. it's vital you get the help you need for your own healing and your own support. you can make it and you can heal. you can see all of our free resources here: www.affairrecovery.com/free-resources-home
Lord we bind and rebuke the spirit of suicide and worthlessness. No one is worthless and beyond help. It takes time, this is your time to heal and it's a process. Do not give up. This is your chance to let God love you and love yourself so you can heal and live the best life ahead of you, His mercy are new every day. Choose you this day, Blessings and Life. You are Loved by God and He has a purpose and a hope for you. The enemy will not win this battle! I pray you humble yourself and surrendered it all to the one who can heal you, one day at a time. Blessings. From a betrayed 🛡🤺🙏🌈💖💖💖
Can an unfaithful truly be in love with their spouse even though they've had one night stands and one affair?
they can certainly love their spouse...the whole 'in love' issue is gray. fact is, as we get older and more mature we realize love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. an unfaithful, can love their spouse yet still cheat. it's not being loving at all, of course, but they can love their spouse.
@@samshealingpodcast totally agree.
It’s been 2 1/2 years. Done everything you mentioned. It happened 20 years ago. I have told them every single peace of information I can remember. The puzzle will never be complete. They do not want to go to therapy because they will never get the full story. 😞