Why the Betrayed and Unfaithful Need to Know 'The Why' of the Affair: Interview with an Expert
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- Опубліковано 6 лют 2025
- Understanding 'the why' of the affair is vital for a variety of reasons including but not limited to relapse prevention, safety for the betrayed and long term healing for both parties. If an unfaithful doesn't know why they had an affair or acted our, how can they expect to prevent it from happening again in the future? How can they assure their partner they'll never do it again when they were never supposed to do it in the first place and still don't know how to prevent the same circumstances from happening which led to the affair or addiction? It's a common choice of the unfaithful to just want to 'put it behind us' only to realize our betrayed partners don't feel safe, don't want to be vulnerable and don't want to take our word for it that we have it all figured out and we just won't do it again. Discovering why we have affairs or addictions is critical to finding healing, safety and for those who struggle with addiction, sobriety. Without an understanding of why the affair happened outside of our own minds and reasonings, we're doomed to repeat the behavior and run the risk of losing our families or partners. Today, a frequent contributor and expert, Amanda Asproni comes into the podcast to share her clinical insight into why it's vital to know the why of the affair(s) and how both parties can do work to discover either their own or their partner's 'why' of the affair.
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Its still a positive to hear the reason even if the reason evolves. At some point they will either admit that the early reason was a lie to protect themselves or that it was an excuse but not the cause and now this is why.
I'm leaving my unfaithful because it's been a year and we never got to a reason why besides "I don't know" and "it just happened" from both my SO and the AP who was my cousin. I'm DONE, I need to be at peace and happy!
Love all your work, Sam ❤
I so get that. You’ve given it a year. You deserve to move forward and find happiness and joy again. Honestly, I really wonder why someone would stay with their betrayer and have to look at him/her every day. It’s the deepest form of betrayal. It seems toxic to stay. But that’s just me. Wishing you a wonderful future!
This is helpful to understand my unfaithful spouse. He has no interest in repairing the marriage and will not even acknowledge the infidelity. He has admitted it, but claims he "checked out". He didn't decide he was checked out until six months after we separated. I think this is how his therapist is helping him 'heal' by looking for all of the reasons that justify his choices. Wish he could see this . . .
It sounds to me like he wants out of the marriage. I’m sorry but divorce sounds like an option for you.
What a good conversation. I am one year past discovery and My unfaithful spouse is still reluctant to do any work.
I have put in a lot of work and see how unhealthy and unsafe our relationship still is.
This video might be a part of my last ditch effort to get her to create something new with me.
Either way it has been helpful for me. Thank you
All of this…this last segment was the most important message for me. Amanda told me from the beginning this and it’s so hard to grasp but 2.5 years into this if I could ever help anyone with the begining of this is learn what self care is and help get yourself regulated I was so dysregulated for most of my life it was normal to be in that state for me and then when this bomb blew us up self care was a foreign concept to me. It lengthened that chaos for me and for both of us. The CPTSD is still here and always will be I now accept that and the part that has played in my life and marriage and those flashbacks are getting easier to recognize and the recovery time is shorter in comparison to what they were as I have learned how to use my tool box of self care. It’s a long road but we are still here standing and learning. Thank you both for all of these reminders today.
Getting there. Thank you Sam n Amanda and Thank you teeryan I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Still standing on the titanic but it hasn't broke apart yet.
Yayyyy! So good to see you Amanda. You’ve been missed.
He once told me the why was "because I can" - not could, but can. I don't know what to do with that.
To me that's an inflammatory statement that is unacceptable. Have you asked yourself why you feel that's ok? Have you considered that that statement communicates massive disrespect and disregard for you?
Wow….I hope you walk away and never look back. That’s beyond horrible.
My unfaithful partner has been acting out in some form or fashion for our entire marriage and lying about anything and everything since before we even married. If I were able to somehow add up percentages of time spent living as one self vs the other "shadow" self, it would be heavily weighted to the "shadow" version. Part of my healing and growth is to understand and acknowledge that he has been more comfortable and authentic as the secret/hidden self.
I’m so sorry you have had to deal with so much gaslighting. I understand this pain and suffering from my 24 yrs w now former husband. He annihilated our lives and our family. It’s very sad he wouldn’t do the work.
My ex wife told me she was leaving for herself. Turns out she was having an affair with her boss WHILE she was going to therapy and planning to leave me. Shouldn’t the therapist have caught her bullshit and properly advised her?
About a month before she said she wanted divorce we had a discussion where I asked her “what’s going on?”. She just said “I don’t know”. But then during the bombdrop, I first heard, “I’m not happy”. Then it was my drinking. Then it was that I’m a narcissist. Then it was it was that I never showed her I loved her. Then it was she wasn’t allowed to have feelings. No discussion. No marriage counseling because it “doesn’t work”.
We're 2 years in today and he is packing. A week ago we were on cloud 9 then she reached out...
Who reached out his affair partner?
Did you get contact with her.
If you have children and you love your family & husband ,
I would confront her.
Is she married , single
You need to let her know and HIM what this is doing to your family. How selfish destructive she is and he.
Get support from his family and yours.
And yes, the ap is equally to blame and has as much fault. Why Because they know their married and still chose to help destroy a family and marriage.
You want your marriage and husband fight for him.
You'll know when it's time to let go
She needs to be put in her place and that's gone!
Great, great, great video from two straight shooters. Thank you.
Some of my take-aways:
1. Not knowing myself is how I got here - I couldn’t agree more. Personally, I know I became disconnected with myself (not an excuse)…in some way telling myself I was still a good guy
2. Totality of my blind spots - Blindspot are ugly and dangerous. We need others to be able to see the things that we can’t.
3. Unfaithful gaslight themselves - how true is this! It’s often said that we betray ourselves before we betray another and I believe that’s true. in my own story, I had to lie to myself, make myself believe things that eventually would allow me to take some pretty damaging actions.
4. We come to realizations w work and contemplation - that takes time. In my own journey, gaining an understanding of my ‘why’ - took longer longer than I originally expected it would and it most definitely changed overtime. Sam said it well.
Thanks for sharing. May I ask how long it took, and how did it change over time?
I think the unfaithful initially "knows why they cheated" is because they have invested in demonizing their spouse to the affair partner in order to justify their betrayal of their spouse.no one wants to be seen as the slut or pig.
My unfaithful spouse told his friends that he can do what he wants. 😔
I'm terribly sorry. I think it's then that you have to ask yourself, why am I allowing this and why am I allowing him to dictate what the relationship looks like and why do I allows this from him?
@@samshealingpodcastacknowledged 🙏🏻
Samuel, my husband of 14 years just keeps lying. First D day 7 years ago with many more since. We just moved bc of his affair with a coworker. He complains about things I ask for safety & reassurance! He thinks it's so unfair bc he has a tracker on his phone that he agreed to have. To help prove what he is doing. He refuses to have a filter even though he has a porn problem & puts himself in risky situations! I keep finding info that he sets as single not married. Even at work & his profiles. I change them then they get switched back. He knows nothing!! It's heartbreaking to me!! He lies so much. We are doing the boot camp but he is still holding back, deny & lying. How will this help if his heart is not in this? Should I just leave? I feel like a complete fool!!
What does heavy lifting mean? Mine still just says it meant nothing, it was only once, we were just talking, just texting blah blah blah!! Still says it’s been this long it’s time to get over it and it’s time to start forgiving me!!! Mine won’t go to counseling or says we can’t afford it? He started out of course blaming the marriage and blaming me!! He was deceitful and secretive and it lasted months with only one physical encounter with his ex girlfriend. He also says he was drunk and it just happened and I let it happen because I was in a dark place….What should i do? It’s been 15 months and I feel still so stuck!!! He keeps saying he’s sorry but there’s been no real work or leadership?
Thanks for this podcast. We are 22 months from D day and almost a year from disclosure day. I have thankfully reached homeostasis. I agree that it takes time. My concern is that my husband still doesn't know why he had his affair. That is why we are still separated. My husband also has some past trauma that he has not been able to face. How could I find a therapist like Amanda to get additional help?
Send her an email. They will help you find the right help.
what part of the country are you in? I have a couple ideas so please send me an email at samshealingpodcast@gmail.com and we can talk through suggestions.
My husband’s why changed multiple times throughout the first year and a half. Initially it was “to get his needs met” which is a blanket statement that ALL unfaithful can say. It infuriated me because it sounded like an excuse not a reason. He couldn’t tell me what those needs were. I said it’s time for a therapist to do your family of origin work. Then it changed to childhood wounds, he needed to be seen a certain way, he needed to be accepted and approval. When his therapist dug deeper he discovered he was looking for that mother hunger. The unconditional love he never got from
His mom. And the AP was able to give that to him because of her role in his life. It filled his void where he lacked his self worth, self love and esteem. I told him in family therapy that I believed I could help him with what I saw in him. He accepted. I told him that I didn’t think he liked himself, in fact I believe that he didn’t love himself. He said that was when he began to gain clarity about himself. And yes, he gaslighted himself. The stories he told himself about me, our kids, family and friends was so distorted and far from truth. It’s really sad to see the person whom you’ve given the most love, trust and support choose self destructive behaviors when acting outside of their own values. Toxic shame. Shame will lead you to cheat and it will continue to reinforce it. It’s a shame addiction in a sense.
@@brandywhine4856 How long did it take to get to this point? What steps were taken to discover these whys?
What might happen if one partner is looking for homo stasis, in their body, while not considering their impact on the other/partner.
When the unfaithful works only on themself while starring that this will help.
We are 20 months past discovery and my partners care, work has excluded the aspect of the relationship
No talk of the betrayal
Sam you look younger than you did in that 10 year old video. Livin right dude !