Amen! The silent emasculating betrayed husband who rarely gets mentioned. Like this said, all infidelity materials are aimed at the unfaithful being a man and the betrayed a woman, but it's a totally different world with a totally different set of problems when the husband is betrayed. Four-plus years since D-Day and we are still together and technically married, but disconnected to the very core. It is the most painful, saddest thing I have ever had to endure in my life and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
@@kevinbeazy Kevin keep here. Others are in your same boat.. I'm in tha same situation only difference is I'm female and nobody to talk to. A 20.8 year relationship with the other women. Everyone knew but me. Nobody to talk to. Go to affair recovery on UA-cam. It's a great start! God bless....
So many things hit me in this talk. Had to listen twice. Hearing "I know what you're going through" killed me. Hearing something hopefull is almost scarier than the pain and anger. There are more of us men out there than I knew. So many searches for groups or help was just "the cheating husband". Thank you for doing this, Rob.
@@virginiamartinez3016 I am going through this since 1/31/20. My UF husband lied about illicit material he watched at some point at the beginning of the year. You'd think after years of this garbage and he finally learn.
@@romac1314, sorry I didn't see this until today, I found out January of 2016 and it continued until January of 2019 because I filed divorce papers, I'm still here today becauseof our history, we have been together since we were 15, 40 years it will be on Valentine's day!
Soon as he said “the pastor brought a guy; and he looked me in the eye and said…” I couldn’t hold back my tears. I feel this pain and directly relate to it just recently. The pain sucks. I felt devastated, defeated, embarrassed! I once got jumped by 11 guys when I was younger and put in a comma. There was one point during that, I fell on my left knee as I was getting jumped and I got up thinking “if I call they’re going to stomp on me, omg I didn’t even say bye to my mom”. I thought I was dying, and till the day I learned from the affair and she walked into our place with roses from another man, was that I had that same feeling and connection like when I was getting jumped and thought I was dying. Godspeed my guy; thank you for sharing.
Thank you again and again! I'm a betrayed male, 7 years out, still married and we're doing well. I do still struggle occasionally, but my wife struggles more with what she did. So glad you received support soon after D-Day, I didn't, desperately sought it out, but didn't find it for a year or more. It would've made a big difference in our very rocky initial recovery.
I think emotional guys get overlooked by many "Christian" ministries. Woman can be emotionally distant as well and men can need more emotional connection than is acknowledged.
I hate that is my new reality. I hate that my soul screams in deepest parts of me. I hate that now I have to work to heal this new pain in my life that didnt have to be there.
D day was 3 months ago, just in time for the holidays! She went 100 BSC and abandoned me and the kids to be with a loser guy. Worst of all, he works with her and was kids coach. He even came over to help move her furniture out because she said she wanted a separation. I helped him. Later I found out what he was really doing. I shook his hand many times! Now wife still hasn't admitted it, but kids know and hate him. Starting to hate my wife too. Now in the middle of a divorce filed by her. She actually had the nerve to call me crazy! Really difficult to watch anyone cheating on TV. More difficult to see couples out during the holidays. I could get any girl back in the day, and now comparing myself as less attractive or worthy than some guys who definitely don't have as much to offer as me, yet they have a woman, and I don't. Sucks. I know I will again, but that is the worst thing so far. Please pray for our family.
I know you have a knife in your back and you cannot reach to pull it out. You try staying still hoping the pain gets better until you cannot stand it anymore. I so can feel your pain. I am so sorry. From my experience, a major milestone was when I reached acceptance. There was nothing a therapist could say, there was nothing my wife or the AP could do, there was nothing that could be done and the only thing I could do was contain the damage so that I would have less things to latter fix. I hope you reach acceptance soon. I would just suggest, concentrate on what you do have such as your kids and be the best you can be not for your wife, not to prove something to the AP but for the man and the father that you are and that you want to be.
Thank you for this. Being lost at sea from a males experience is the best way to put it. Can’t turn to family if you want your marriage to succeed because you want to protect your spouse from criticism/being looked at poorly. Can’t talk to other men, because it’s usually viewed as your fault or you are a looser for staying. Talk to pastors or Christian councilors? They just tell you god is enough and find your worth in how he views you (nothing wrong with that, but if that was all I needed/wanted, I wouldn’t be married). This was helpful and wish I had it sooner. Better late than never 👍👍👍
Rob, I thought your wife's testimony was powerful...yours is just as amazing. Thank you for sharing the raw pain and naked emotion. Several take-aways I had listening to this, things that really resonated with me: "The mind movie, playing over and over again in your head..." Yes, a thousand times yes. If I could just turn it off for just 24hrs. Chutes and Ladders vs Roller coaster - Couldn't agree more. "...connecting dots that shouldn't be connected..." Daily existence for me. You put into words what I can barely make sense of sometimes. **That nobody is a fool for staying and being a part of the redemptive work in someone else's life. ** Powerful stuff right there. I need to hear this every single day. I am so sick of judgement from those that know nothing of these situations or take a worldly view of them. Thank you guys for everything you do. I wish I had known about Affair Recovery in 2014. I've got to find a way to do Hope for Healing.
I don’t agree with the deception being the greater issue. For me it is the unavoidable and intrusive images of another man putting his hands on and seed in my wife. That stabs me at the core of my soul.
@@hariharankarthikeyan3604 - Right, because strong men run away. He very easily could have simply walked away; if that happened to me, it would be my least painful option.
I agree, there's that but the worst for me is the extent to how long she had to have been planning this in her mind and making decisions that lead ultimately to that physical act. Even worse is the emotional connection she has developed and the refusal to even consider cutting it off. It's an addiction The gaslighting, trying to place the blame on me, a lot of things are worse than the lying I don't care about the lies,they are expected
After a certain point in healing for me, the intrusive images and such things were way less important than lies because the lies indicate they don't respect you enough to think you deserve the truth. Lies feed and increase the disrespect that started by just entertaining the idea of being with someone else, them doing it, them wanting you to believe it didn't happen and would be happy to let you live a lie itself.
@@AngelfromGenXyes the lying hurts so much. They lie so that don’t face the consequences, they lie so that can make themselves feel better, they lie bc even though they are having an affair they still want to be in the marriage. My wife lied to me on several occasions, she is paying for it now. I have a hard time believing some things she says, and she is facing the consequences to lying
Wow. Thank you for this testimony. I'm a betrayed male, married 11 years and found out 2 months ago she was intimate with another guy twice a month before i found out. To add to that we are still grieving the loss of our 6yr old son 8 months before that and the emotional pain of the betrayal hurts more...and that makes me feel guilty and only adds to pain. Little back story, our Son was born with a medical disorder that gave him a life expectation of only 3yrs but he doubled that and in that short time touched so many lives.
How different is the pain for men and women? Can you pin point your pain? For me their intimacy is the killer. This is why it takes all of me to stay and continue. If my killer had been their emotions, these can change and I think the emotions of my wife are back on me. So if my killer had been their emotions today I guess I should be doing fine. However since my killer is their intimacy, it is something that can never be changed.
ptgeek symptom it is indeed insane. Can’t wish it to my worst enemy not even the devil himself. But God and time🙌🏾 the triggers, the sex, every thing. People should stop hurting people.
I am going on 3 years later after being cheated on and tbh it hasn't really gotten much easier. We are still together with 2 kids but it is so difficult to look at her the same way I used too and trust isnt all back either. I wish she showed some remorse but got none and tells me to get the fuck over it. So i never even bring it up ever because she gets so angry....
@@KFisher-un5fc It was 7 years before I had my first day of not thinking about the cheating. Like your experience, she had as much sympathy for me as the Terminator. This person I loved was more upset at my rather unhappy reaction to this, than she felt shame for doing in the first place.
This was really really needed. And thank you Samuel for recognising that there is a serious deficit of content for male betrayed spouses, I hope you will factor this in your future videos.
Thank you for sharing. My story very similar. In recovery. D Day 2 years ago. I would just add, yes processing all the lies has been the worst but it takes every ounce of me to deal with their intimacy. Never in a million years could have imagined. Marriage two is absolutely great except for the betrayal that lingers as a vail. What gets me the most is that it did not take a lot of changes to fix our marriage. The solutions were there all the time. Too bad my wife, of all people, had to infect me with betrayal so that we could both figure out what we needed to change. It´s as if your wife infected you with a terminal disease and then you both realized the value of life. Forgiveness is a very big word and it has many layers. I would need to be at the end of my life to tell you if I fully forgave. I infer that full forgiveness will never be reached. What I do have, is acceptance of my reality and I have a soul that screams constantly in silence.
Thank you, with tears. I wanted to like this 100 times. So not my end story, but so much what I felt in the process, and I have ended up with hope, lots of hope. Blessings to you both.
I'm sorry for your pain .I am 10 years out from the trauma of being cheated on .I still have a deep sadness . No one can possibly understand the hurt unless you have been in a situation like it .I thought I had a happy ,content marriage too .its interesting how the clues were there but only recognized in retrospect .
You guys are killing it with all of the videos that I need to see recently! Thank you so very much for showing me that what I am going through can be worked through with the proper help and plan. You guys rock
I’m a male that has been betrayed recently and the feeling is unimaginable... the ups and downs are all day long everyday... it’s not only women that struggle with this life changing misery. Men deal with it and hurt just as much as women do.. There are good honest men that value a relationship and everything that comes with it out there dealing with this demon.
just found out a month ago the love of my life my fiance/spouse of 15yrs 2kids had a 5 year affair/full blown relationship with a coworker .. I dont even know what I feel but 1 thing is sure. im LEAVING! Im worth more and I deserve someone who will value and respect me. someone that I can build the rest of my life with.
8-weeks since D-day here. Lots of tears multiple times throughout the video. My wife has been doing a lot right since d-day to give us a chance to heal. The pain, shame, and anger is so intense at times I struggle with a deep commitment in either direction. don’t want to be a bitter old man. At the same time it’s hard to see us addressing every withdraw that will certainly come up over the next 30-40 years. Thanks for sharing you story.
Was listening to this while getting ready for work, needless to say I had to call in late. One of the most profound discussions I've heard on your channel. Still struggling even after 30, yes 30 years from D Day. Will be contacting you very soon. Thank you so much.
I'm an unfaithful wife, and I am curious to know if 30 years past DDay, do you ever wish you would have left? I struggle and feel selfish staying in my marriage even though I want it with my whole heart I feel like I stole a chapter of his life and I don't deserve more. I know outside of having the affair I am a good wife to him, but I feel like I should be unselfish and walk away because he can't... Don't feel obligated to answer I just don't want to take more than I have already.
Scott Stanley I know how you feel from my experience I left my cheating 1st wife I got over that quickly in 1997. But my second wife was a serial cheater I stayed to raise my daughter I still have mind movies 25 years later. It has been horrible. I think that is why God allows divorce for infidelity Staying with a cheater is very hard.
Dinosaur Dork You sound like a good person who made some bad decisions. Please find a way to heal yourself and your husband. Infidelity does not have to define you or the marriage Have you read “How to help your spouse heal from your affair”? It is required reading. Is he still hurting? Ask him! Does he still have mind movies? Ask him! Is he still emasculated? Ask him! Do you understand and feel his pain? Ask him Do you live in shame? You should find away to get through the shame. 30 years ago how old were you? An adult with a teenage mind? Your brain was still developing My serial cheating wife I now understand was molested by her dad for four years. I wish she could drop the shame of have sex with many many men and just be honest. Are you and have you been radically honest? I pray you your husband and your marriage becomes version 2.0 better and stronger
@@sandhillcranberry thank you for the reply Dan. Yes he still experiences all those things. I am very open in my communication with him and have been from the beginning. It hasn't been 30 years for me it's been 6 since it ended. Yes I am a different person now and while I struggle with the guilt i feel like if I didn't then I didn't really regret what I did. I know I'll never do it to him again because I got away with it for so long had plenty of opportunities and never took them. I just fear in 5 years (arbitrary number) he will still be haunted like this still question our marriage, and still feel pathetic for not leaving. I feel our marriage is so much stronger now because we communicate so openly where as before my husband was like an emotional robot.. zero feeling expression other than anger or just his even level head... Now I get more than that and while I do shy away from saying it I feel more connected with him now... I guess I feel like even though we are going through all the steps and working hard to make it through there will always be a stain on our story he can't escape and I hate that. I know I have to respect the decision he's making (1 year since d day) but part of me feels like a true unselfish act of love would be to let him go to find happiness with someone who didn't hurt him so so deeply.
@@sandhillcranberry i have a question for anyone who has insight, experience or wisdom to share..i have been married for 11.5 years and have lived with chat line, phone sex, in- line dating and affair sights not to mention pornography addiction of my husband..is this considered cheating..i am a mental/ emotional mess and has wreaked havoc on my physical health now..i told him i want out..last ditch effort, he started counseling ( nice).. but I have nothing left i feel nothing..it has been hard as now i want to leave & counselor says stay another year..i might as well quit breathing is how part of me feels.
Thank you for this honest insight into the betrayed husband. Several months out, I’m still hurting and hating myself and can’t tell my spouse. This happened to me right after our 45th anniversary. It still hurts me that I was that vulnerable when I thought I was strong. I cannot hurt him and see him cry. I’m glad you are forgiving and working through this.
That was a good divorce lawyer he called; real integrity; he didn't just take his money; he actually told him to take a year and think about it before filing for divorce. other lawyers I know would be too happy to get your money. Thank you soooo much Rob for sharing your story. I'm a betrayed wife and I've never heard betrayal from this perspective before.
This is probably one of the best videos on affair recovery. When a man is the betrayed the shame is horrible. There are so many different emotions and issues to deal with. There are little resources for men. When you google betrayed male most search results will be sites for betrayed women. Infidelity sites that arent gender specific wind up being geared toward women. So you not only struggle with not being "man enough to satisfy your woman" you are now put into a historically female role as the one who was cheated on. Its like having a chest wound and are told to drive yourself to the hospital and when there being given a scalpel to remove the bullet yourself. It really hit home when he talked about becoming aware of new emotions. Crying when seeing certain commercials was something i didnt realize was a symptom of being betrayed. I also learned by watching these videos that pain from years ago that has been buried somehow come back, things from childhood that i havent thought about in over 40 years suddenly become front and center. I really hate to say i have PTSD because brave men and women have contracted this in service to our nation. But it is similar and it is so unfair that i have to shoulder this burden and lose who i was by a choice someone else made.
I wanted to tell you guys that you're are a great team doing a gr8 service to understand the issue of infidelity..As a betrayed husband, I can definitely relate to the whole experience. God bless you and your fabulous team...
The statement I keep thinking that rings true for me, is that I will never be the same. It’s not just me that’s like that. Can’t finish the video now but I will. 17 minutes in
After listening to both Rob and Melanie's videos, I gotta say Rob has a heart of gold and backbone of steel to stay married. With Melanie's multiple affairs and just straight up lying to his face when asked, many would end up leaving, and assume Melanie has severe psychological issues. None of us can see the details and Rob made his decision. One future possibility is that Rob and Melanie continue in their healing journey and communicating differently, and then Rob realizes he doesn't love Melanie anymore, and wants a divorce. This has happened with couples after betrayal, and once the betrayed spouse starts seeing his cheating spouse in a more realistic way, he doesn't love her and realizes she is the wrong wife. Possibly should never have married her?
Glad to hear from the betrayed male perspective too. But as a betrayed female I can identify with Rob about everything including his statement about the deception and the lies hurting even more than the infidelity itself. Honesty and consistency is KEY if the unfaithful wants to move forward. Often they don't seem to understand that...how it truly affects one deeply.
Wow.. I'm not alone. I'm going through the second betrayal of my wife. I'm trying to stop the non-stop reel from playing in my head. Mainly because there's so many lies to sift through. I'm a wreck 😂🤣😂
Thank you for sharing this. I am wondering how people get past the lies. I still can't believe how convincingly my significant other lied to me over and over and over. We are pursuing reconciliation but I really don't know how I'll get past thinking he could be lying to me about anything for years to come and I won't know and end up being cheated on again. During our 3 years together, I was certain he was the most honest person I had ever known. Literally. Still struggling to even believe it.
I’m struggling with being betrayed by my wife, it’s been less than two months since I moved out and everything had come to light, multiple affairs, a pill addiction, lying and stealing, now I’m trying to see if we can make it through, and am struggling every day, I feel so lonely, I’ve lost my life, wife, dogs and everything. Trying to move forward and better myself and these are great to listen to, thank you
I needed this in my life. Thank you. The trauma world, the books and article's mostly play to men being the bad guy or the betrayer. It is great you were able to put this clip together. Thank you.
This is speaking to me so deeply, all the way down to discovering things via Facebook messenger. The text wars, the name calling, trusting your gut when things don't feel right. What I'm wondering though.. With trusting your gut. I feel beyond hypervigilant these days, 6 months after d-day, 3 months after no contact. I feel like I'm picking up on little "red flags" that might not even be that. I was good for a while and then all the sudden I feel like I did only weeks after d-day. Is this normal, to vacillate between being ok with your reality and living day to day, and then going through bouts of paranoia? Is that just part of the healing process? And Rob, thank you so much for sharing. I'm out here sitting on my back porch on my birthday, by myself while the Mrs is at work, and im bawling dude. Thank you for stepping forward and sharing your story with us. I can't believe the amount of parallels between what I'm feeling and what you described. Thank you.
it is somewhat normal my friend...but it's vital you get infidelity specific help in order to help you find a new sense of peace, even in the midst of what feels like chaos. it's possible for sure, though you will still have ups and downs.
yessss... that gut feeling is undeniable...my spouse lied to me too when I confronted him directly....but I gave my spouse the benefit of the doubt too....FOR YEARS. Because I believed in trust in relationship...but your gut keeps bothering you...12 years later, my gut kept bothering me....and then I prayed and asked & pleaded & begged God to reveal it- whatever it was. Confronting him again, I asked with tears in my eyes this time- and he finally broke! OMG...I was sad-never cried so much in my entire life.....but I also felt validated- like yes, I'm not crazy!
Well... with 3 months of no contact.. no resolve of any kind.. no hope of a start of a resolve a talking things trough... yes, you will be replaying stuff in your head, "finding new stuff".. You need the initiative to move forward friend. Triggers will be happening thou.
Samuel.....incredible story. All credit to your friends for having the courage to share their stories. I am a betrayed male spouse, 16 months from D-day. Still struggling as a couple, but fighting every day. Yes, I made some mistakes in dealing with discovery, my response etc. I would definitely be willing to share my story, feelings and the struggle to recover. Paying forward and helping other betrayed and unfaithful spouses is something I am very interested in pursuing! Maybe you could help me help them?
His feelings are what I felt and still feel, it does change you as a person, even if you are healed. I'm still going through this, still not sure if my spouse is not communicating with the BTP, he refuses to talk about any of it, I found out it was happening over 13 years! So I feel his emotions, I'm glad you are healing and know it can be forgiven but not forgotten.
same here , wouldnt wish this on worst enemy- i tell my wife all the time, do you realize how traumatizing this was for me. Do you realize this is the workst thing you could of done to a human being, to your family- what were you thinking. And emphasized the AP just wanted to use her for sex.. and she liked how it feeled being persued.
This story is mine except I’m a betrayed wife. D day was April3, 2018. Thing is I’m still finding out things. He’s drip feeding me. I thought it was 1 affair. Several months ago, he told me that he had one night stands. He didn’t tell me voluntarily, it was through what I found on his computer. I have begged for all of the truth. He had a porn addiction, masturbation addiction and a sex addiction. I never knew. So in our 26 year marriage, this has been going on the whole time. That hurts the worst, that he still can’t come clean about how many women. That’s what hurts the most. I guess I will never know. I feel like it makes it harder for me. Maybe someday, I will get the whole truth but I won’t hold my breath. Very sad. I’m not leaving him but we’ll never have true intimacy until he can tell me all. That’s on him.
I know what you are saying! My husband refuses to tell me everything! It's so hard because I want the best, most intimate relationship that I can have with him. I love him so why wouldn't I want that? But his refusal to disclose what he should has put a huge wall between us. He wants me to trust him again but he is not trusting me to hear what he's done, and deal with it, and forgive and move on. We're only 10 years. But he's had 3 girlfriends that I know of. But I honestly believe that there's more.
Thank you. I'm in pain now with same story and it makes me cry a lot. Atleast I realized I shouldn't jump to the bridge. Were a man, we suppose to be strong,
Samuel is right. For us it hits totally differently. Even if we betrayed them when it happens to us it's like WHOA and it drops you like the worst habit.
Rob, I can't begin to understand what you have gone through and I really hope you succeed in saving your marriage. I listened to Melanie's testimony and she said her first affair started 2 years into the marriage and she had a series of back to back affairs during the past 30 years of marriage. What I'm going to say is harsh but I'm not an optimist that she can really reform. She's had so many partners that her ability to bond to a man is permanently damaged. There's a reason why she's still staying with you and it's not love. There's nothing left in your marriage. The show has ended and everybody has gone home but you are sitting in an empty theater waiting for the show to resume. Sometimes the only way out is not to repair a broken marriage but to end it. Then you can start to truly heal. As it stands, you risk another emotional devastation if she relapses.
I also doubt she will change. Not because she lost the ability to bond with a man or has too many partners (those reasons sound mysoginistic) but she will not reform because it's who she is. A serial cheater. A serial cheater hardly change ever. 30 years of habit, lies, deceptions, justitifications, are hard to unpack. Not to mention the trauma of her husband realizing his whole marriage has been a big lie. So, i' give it 5 years until the husband realize he can't take it anymore. She said she love him but hoe can you love someone and lie to them for 30 years?! Sorry but at some point it wasn't love anymore. You don't respect nor love him. I think she has convinced herself that she love him for sunk cost reason or because family reason.
I appreciate this. I can see that it is helpful for a lot of guys. I understand why because for many men (and probably women) sexuality is a major part of identity. In my case, because of the way I was raised, sexuality is not a large defining characteristic of being male. I was also older when I married (41) and I went through a period of not caring about right and wrong with regard to premarital sex Therefore my internal reaction to the affair is far as the sex is more muted than most guys I guess. My biggest issue is around the broken trust. Bad as our marriage grew I always felt I could trust her and I always knew I would not cheat. Cheating is a betrayal of the marriage and in our case, with kids, the family. Sex in an affair is really almost meaningless. Most men should understand this because most men have probably at some point engaged in meaningless sex. If you feel like you own your wife I can see sex in an affair being deeply hurtful to a man. My only other thought as far as relating to this story is that the unfaithful actually owned up to and opened up about the infidelity. I can only rely on anecdote and personal experience, but it seems to me that especially when a woman is the unfaithful, owning the affair is unusual. The observation toward the end about freedom is spot on.
Great testimony/interview. Infidelity in a marriage is a form of "emotional insanity" which is devastating to the relationship!! Was blown away when she said: "Why are you gonna leave me for this occurrence, and not for other things I've done in the past"?. Men I know have said that the lies and betrayal made them feel worse (shame) than the report of the actual sexual act itself. I commend any man who can overcome/heal from this traumatic, devastating event, and can come out sane on the other side. Was interested in more details of what happened after the disclosure. He never stated how things are going currently (I assume they are doing well). Don't see how successful reconciliation can occur w/o truthful interactive communication and counseling.
Brother from another mother✋😉 completed this after a long time. This whole interview is like a mini session of counseling kudos to both...covered almost all points. I felt as if I am speaking 😊 just one to add in my personal opinion and that is, it might be a little hard for a female in some areas considering security, finance and those pathetic societal ideologies where women is always given wisdom. Counseling and all those things are just categorically middle-class for people around them. Straight example of this is when I offered/asked/discussed about counseling, I was turned down saying you need to talk to "good(who have never faced this situation)" people. In short - we don't need it, it's not that deep 😊, or to the point straight what I believe in is - we are not interested in taking efforts though we know we made a huge mistake "Stay or don't stay ur choice we won't budge a little..." we have appointed a highly qualified counseller( the Great ex 😄) from outside . In such situations it becomes very difficult. All viewers will surely understand this. How to solve it? Calling it off will also not suffice for our own future peace and harmony...
One of my biggest regrets is going to the APs husband through social and revealing the affair out of sheer anger and trauma. I was so distraught and honestly wasn’t thinking right, but I never stopped to think of how he would feel or take it. I’m sorry for hurting someone through my own pain. That just isn’t me and I hate that I let myself stoop so low. 😥
While I would like to confront the AP, I resist, as I do not want to dignify his existance. With his personality type, he would probably only take pride in the knowledge he caused pain to others.
I'm struggling with this right now. DDay was 6 weeks ago, but the deception and affair is ongoing. My wife's AP is her co-worker and their company has let go of two people in their same positions (high level management) just a year ago. The AP has been separated from his wife for a few years, kids are grown. I've thought about writing an email to the company so many times, but my wife has said she'll leave me immediately if I do that.
@@patrickstrasser9736 Why is she still choosing to go to work in the same place where her AP works ?? Why are u still staying if the affair is on going ? Seems to me she is making a choice here - and that choice doesn't seem to be you. I don't mean to judge your circumstances or reasons for still staying but all I can say is that you 2 need to sit down & have a serious discussion and make some hard choices. God Bless you !
This helped me. I'm 2 months in finding out her affair n dont see how we can be good again, let alone how I'm gonna be good again. I think were both trying but I think about it all day long n struggle w always thinking I'm wasting time. This guy said they never fought, as if it were a good thing, I've been thinking same about my relationship lately. Idk what to do, this is hardest 2 months of my life.
The deception thing is huge. It sends me into darker holes than ever experienced before. Meanwhile she is sanitizing what she did and lying about the stupidest things. So painful.
That is my experience as well. As far as I know, my wife has technically not had an affair, but she has communicated with and or met up with her old boyfriend on several occasions behind my back, and lied about it. The latest lie is that I told her it was OK for her to see him. Why would I do that in 100 years? Talk about a pathetic lie!
This hit home. I’ve discovered things (nothing that confirm an affair) that don’t sit right. I’ve directly asked her multiple times and each time she’s looked me in the eyes and said NO. However, like Rob, my gut is telling me something’s not right. It’s eating me alive!!! HELP!!!!
Ask her to look through her phone. If she will not surrender her phone to you at any time to look through it, she is having an affair emotiinal/physical or both.
For those going through the recovery, the most difficult part is to forgive your partner from your heart. I am currently struggling with this, and I have observed that they key is to develope empathy for your partner. Easier said than done though
I'm at the point of finding that I have been betrayed. This could I terview could have been me. I can't understand how she can be cold towards me. We loved each other. Where did it go? So sad.
If you can avoid finding out the better; the trauma associated with the truth is not worth it. Do your best and live life according to your terms. If one doesn't appreciate what you bring to the table, she is bound to rationalise why she did all that she did behind your back and it will be more hurtful. In conclusion, don't find out.
My goodness.. I feel what he shared and thank you for the message.. I have been with my wife for 16 years and have 3 kids.. Oldest is 11.. 2018 I discovered the first affair and seek help for myself because I felt like it was my fault.. So, I changed.. 2023, she has had 3 other affairs.. Recently found out that she slept with a man.. Mine and my children world is on fire.. I am still with her, but it’s incredibly hard for me to understand why.. When I ask, she gets frustrated and acts as if I should be over it.. I learned this horrific actions at the end of July.. I am expecting to be okay and get over what has happened and move on.. It’s extremely hard
It took 3 years until I give up walked away so my,, best,, friend received the ultimate price....my ex wife..they live together now I moved out to another town,,,filed and obtained legal divorce certificate, I vent all over my trauma alone...lost 10 kg at some point and almost my left eye sight becouse of stress,,,Today I wish to them happy life ......to my ex and my,,friend,, just take care of my two beautiful kids please...Period!
I wish I could get an update of how they are doing now. I wish I could speak with his wife personally. I am the unfaithful female. It's been a little over a year since D-Day. I am struggling so bad, I still hurt so much. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. How do people live with themselves after this? How do I start to feel okay or better? I am so broken, I need to heal because if I don't it will destroy me. I saw someone comment saying he will never look at his wife the same and my heart just shattered. Is this the same way Rob (from the video) thinks? I am scared, I have no one in this world but my husband and I hurt him so much. There's not a day that goes by that I don't hurt. I need hope, I need to know that people do get through this and their love conquers even 20-30 years down the road.
you'll need expert, outside third party help my friend. this course will help you on our site for sure: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing i would take that course, as well as find an expert who can support you in your healing and guide you through the different stages you're going to walk through. it's too much pain and hurt to do on your own. it's too overwhelming and too overpowering to manage in your own strength or wisdom.
I feel your pain, regret, & sincerity. But as a betrayed male it's hard to understand why you would choose to do something that you know will most likely lead to the end of your marriage and family? Why would you take that chance and have the nerve to feel bad about the consequences after? Why not just divorce before being with another person? I'm sorry... I'm just hurt & lost. As a faithful betrayed husband I feel that true love & friendship doesn't lie or cheat so to me it's like my marriage was a lie. I just don't understand. Not sure if I ever will. Sorry for venting.
@drfixit1554 are you still feeling this way? At the time you wrote this, did your partner try to answer your questions? What's the status on your marriage now? That is... if you don't mind sharing.
I liked hearing this view but I wish the host would have interrupted him less. I felt like he would start getting to his point snd you would interrupt the guy. Good info though
The moment of discovery seems like it should be an emotional blowout but I didn't do that either. I was hoping to hear an explanation of how the texts I'd just discovered were some kind of misunderstanding.
You may not see it now, and she might not see it, but you are too good for her Brendan. Things that you couldn't do in the relationship, go out and do. Hang out with friends more and heal yourself brother. I am rooting for you dude, I want the best for you :)
I am in your shoes. She is leaving us. 14 years being erased in 5 months.i so wanted her to try working it out but she wont even consider it. I. Hope you get better.
Brendan don't worry bro. I am on the same boat, I really feel betrayed but I know that woman wasn't right for me. She put me through alot and now that we are separated everyone has opened my eyes to see this relationship was one sided. I gave her everything career,car,kids and it still wasn't enough. Value yourself bro
i would disagree. with the right help, the trauma can be healed, and actually transformed. it may feel like it's never going to go away, but with the right help and process, you can absolutely heal and find new life and have it not imprison you the rest of your life. i would find a trauma expert who does work in either EMDR and/or ETT for your trauma. i wish you the best and as much healing as you can find my friend.
Sam, thanks for this. I'm from India, have used ur videos to come out of this to a much better place today. I would be willing to be part of ur organisation, if I can help others who r hurt by sharing experience. India has very limited access to therapists who r experienced with infidelity..
I'm in week 5, and I do feel like a fool or shamed for staying... im a male betrayed. I feel like I'm the one who was duped and played. That I was the one who the sucker... how do I not change my view ?
when you say how do you NOT change your view, i'm a bit confused. the fact is, you may feel like that but our feelings are not always accurate. we don't have to go the way of our feelings...just like your significant other went the way of their feelings and had an affair, you don't have to go the way of your feelings and give yourself to feeling like a fool for staying. it's one of the most courageous things you can do is stay. or sometimes it's divorce as courage. every situation is different. it's going to require working through your emotions, grieving and giving yourself compassion and mercy. judging yourself simply won't help. it will only make things worse.
Quick questions for Rob. When you were blasting out your word salad was it filled with obscenities and very ugly hurtful words and accusations. Were you spewing this type of stuff in front of your kids and even after 8 months from d day did you still have those same feelings toward your wife as you did when it was d day. Im trying to be patient and establish a timeline, but lately he has said he wants a divorce its hard to determine the real from the fake.
Ha" my ex husband cheated and had a baby on me. It's one of the worse pain 😫. Left him got into another relationship and found out my current one had and emotional affair with an ex after 11 yrs of us being together. Even tho he heard me talk about wat my ex did to me. Now I cant trust another man in life ever. To broken 💔 for that!!
I don't know the western mindset. But in India, if a women did this things, the husband will not even touch her body. Even if they try to stay together for kids and pride of family, inside the home the husband just don't touch her. We consider this as a biggest sin and there is no forgiveness. And our women don't do this and cannot forgave themselves till life. Culture matters.
@@lynettedebeer5312 Both should not cheat. Yes MEn don't get the same treatment. But are the MEN and WOMEN are same physically and emotionally? Why majority of women leave their husband and take the kids when they cheat? Why men majority of men stayed in the relationship despite they cheat?
I am a betrayed male spouse. 34 years old 2 children. If there is anything at all i can do for anyone...anyone at all...just ask me ill talk to anyone. Im still with my wife that betrayed me with multiple people. There is not a lot of information out there but if i can give any advice to help anyone...let me know.
@jhackett3066 I really hope you see this... Hello! Thank you for sharing and offering your time and conversation. Does the offer still stand? My husband and I could definitely benefit from your perspective and experience, regardless of the current status of your marriage.. although, we are curious..
This testimony is bringing tears to my eyes. Infidelity is extremely painful, but thank God he heals the broken in heart and binds up all our wounds.
Finally the male view. We are totally alone and now have no one to talk to about it. Trapped in our own world.
Amen! The silent emasculating betrayed husband who rarely gets mentioned. Like this said, all infidelity materials are aimed at the unfaithful being a man and the betrayed a woman, but it's a totally different world with a totally different set of problems when the husband is betrayed. Four-plus years since D-Day and we are still together and technically married, but disconnected to the very core. It is the most painful, saddest thing I have ever had to endure in my life and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I have no one to talk to.
@@kevinbeazy will affair recovery refer you to counseling in your location?
@@kevinbeazy I hear you Kevin. No one truly understands from a man's point of view because we are not know to have feelings and feel hurt to.
@@kevinbeazy Kevin keep here. Others are in your same boat.. I'm in tha same situation only difference is I'm female and nobody to talk to. A 20.8 year relationship with the other women. Everyone knew but me. Nobody to talk to. Go to affair recovery on UA-cam. It's a great start! God bless....
So many things hit me in this talk. Had to listen twice. Hearing "I know what you're going through" killed me. Hearing something hopefull is almost scarier than the pain and anger. There are more of us men out there than I knew. So many searches for groups or help was just "the cheating husband". Thank you for doing this, Rob.
"chutes and ladders" is the perfect analogy of how the betrayed can be set back even from just the smallest of lies. Thank you for sharing your story.
My husband was just caught in a new lie two weeks ago and now I feel I'm back to the beginning with all the anger and humiliation!
@@virginiamartinez3016 my wife told me so many lies after the D-Day that its done a lot of long term damage. How long are you into recovery?
Your comment is SO TRUE! My heart goes out to this man (and his wife).
@@virginiamartinez3016 I am going through this since 1/31/20. My UF husband lied about illicit material he watched at some point at the beginning of the year. You'd think after years of this garbage and he finally learn.
@@romac1314, sorry I didn't see this until today, I found out January of 2016 and it continued until January of 2019 because I filed divorce papers, I'm still here today becauseof our history, we have been together since we were 15, 40 years it will be on Valentine's day!
Soon as he said “the pastor brought a guy; and he looked me in the eye and said…” I couldn’t hold back my tears. I feel this pain and directly relate to it just recently. The pain sucks. I felt devastated, defeated, embarrassed! I once got jumped by 11 guys when I was younger and put in a comma. There was one point during that, I fell on my left knee as I was getting jumped and I got up thinking “if I call they’re going to stomp on me, omg I didn’t even say bye to my mom”. I thought I was dying, and till the day I learned from the affair and she walked into our place with roses from another man, was that I had that same feeling and connection like when I was getting jumped and thought I was dying. Godspeed my guy; thank you for sharing.
Thank you again and again! I'm a betrayed male, 7 years out, still married and we're doing well. I do still struggle occasionally, but my wife struggles more with what she did. So glad you received support soon after D-Day, I didn't, desperately sought it out, but didn't find it for a year or more. It would've made a big difference in our very rocky initial recovery.
I think emotional guys get overlooked by many "Christian" ministries. Woman can be emotionally distant as well and men can need more emotional connection than is acknowledged.
I realize this is about betrayed men but as a betrayed woman, it really resonated.
Hallie Nelson many of my feelings were exactly the same
I hate that is my new reality.
I hate that my soul screams in deepest parts of me.
I hate that now I have to work to heal this new pain in my life that didnt have to be there.
Bro I feel you . . . 100%
Love you dude!
Same, I hate my new reality.
D day was 3 months ago, just in time for the holidays! She went 100 BSC and abandoned me and the kids to be with a loser guy. Worst of all, he works with her and was kids coach. He even came over to help move her furniture out because she said she wanted a separation. I helped him. Later I found out what he was really doing. I shook his hand many times! Now wife still hasn't admitted it, but kids know and hate him. Starting to hate my wife too. Now in the middle of a divorce filed by her. She actually had the nerve to call me crazy! Really difficult to watch anyone cheating on TV. More difficult to see couples out during the holidays. I could get any girl back in the day, and now comparing myself as less attractive or worthy than some guys who definitely don't have as much to offer as me, yet they have a woman, and I don't. Sucks. I know I will again, but that is the worst thing so far. Please pray for our family.
I know you have a knife in your back and you cannot reach to pull it out. You try staying still hoping the pain gets better until you cannot stand it anymore. I so can feel your pain. I am so sorry.
From my experience, a major milestone was when I reached acceptance. There was nothing a therapist could say, there was nothing my wife or the AP could do, there was nothing that could be done and the only thing I could do was contain the damage so that I would have less things to latter fix. I hope you reach acceptance soon. I would just suggest, concentrate on what you do have such as your kids and be the best you can be not for your wife, not to prove something to the AP but for the man and the father that you are and that you want to be.
Thank you for this. Being lost at sea from a males experience is the best way to put it. Can’t turn to family if you want your marriage to succeed because you want to protect your spouse from criticism/being looked at poorly. Can’t talk to other men, because it’s usually viewed as your fault or you are a looser for staying.
Talk to pastors or Christian councilors? They just tell you god is enough and find your worth in how he views you (nothing wrong with that, but if that was all I needed/wanted, I wouldn’t be married). This was helpful and wish I had it sooner. Better late than never 👍👍👍
Couldn’t agree with you more
You hit the nail on the head!!! I am a betrayed woman and I couldn't agree more.
Rob, I thought your wife's testimony was powerful...yours is just as amazing. Thank you for sharing the raw pain and naked emotion. Several take-aways I had listening to this, things that really resonated with me:
"The mind movie, playing over and over again in your head..." Yes, a thousand times yes. If I could just turn it off for just 24hrs.
Chutes and Ladders vs Roller coaster - Couldn't agree more.
"...connecting dots that shouldn't be connected..." Daily existence for me. You put into words what I can barely make sense of sometimes.
**That nobody is a fool for staying and being a part of the redemptive work in someone else's life. ** Powerful stuff right there. I need to hear this every single day. I am so sick of judgement from those that know nothing of these situations or take a worldly view of them.
Thank you guys for everything you do. I wish I had known about Affair Recovery in 2014.
I've got to find a way to do Hope for Healing.
I don’t agree with the deception being the greater issue. For me it is the unavoidable and intrusive images of another man putting his hands on and seed in my wife. That stabs me at the core of my soul.
Exactly. I have no clue how these men take a women's purity very low. D
Fidelity matters. I guess these are over thinking weak men.
@@hariharankarthikeyan3604 - Right, because strong men run away. He very easily could have simply walked away; if that happened to me, it would be my least painful option.
I agree, there's that but the worst for me is the extent to how long she had to have been planning this in her mind and making decisions that lead ultimately to that physical act.
Even worse is the emotional connection she has developed and the refusal to even consider cutting it off. It's an addiction
The gaslighting, trying to place the blame on me, a lot of things are worse than the lying
I don't care about the lies,they are expected
After a certain point in healing for me, the intrusive images and such things were way less important than lies because the lies indicate they don't respect you enough to think you deserve the truth. Lies feed and increase the disrespect that started by just entertaining the idea of being with someone else, them doing it, them wanting you to believe it didn't happen and would be happy to let you live a lie itself.
@@AngelfromGenXyes the lying hurts so much. They lie so that don’t face the consequences, they lie so that can make themselves feel better, they lie bc even though they are having an affair they still want to be in the marriage. My wife lied to me on several occasions, she is paying for it now. I have a hard time believing some things she says, and she is facing the consequences to lying
Wow. Thank you for this testimony. I'm a betrayed male, married 11 years and found out 2 months ago she was intimate with another guy twice a month before i found out. To add to that we are still grieving the loss of our 6yr old son 8 months before that and the emotional pain of the betrayal hurts more...and that makes me feel guilty and only adds to pain.
Little back story, our Son was born with a medical disorder that gave him a life expectation of only 3yrs but he doubled that and in that short time touched so many lives.
I am a betrayed wife and the pain is insane .
How different is the pain for men and women? Can you pin point your pain? For me their intimacy is the killer. This is why it takes all of me to stay and continue. If my killer had been their emotions, these can change and I think the emotions of my wife are back on me. So if my killer had been their emotions today I guess I should be doing fine. However since my killer is their intimacy, it is something that can never be changed.
ptgeek symptom it is indeed insane. Can’t wish it to my worst enemy not even the devil himself. But God and time🙌🏾 the triggers, the sex, every thing. People should stop hurting people.
I am going on 3 years later after being cheated on and tbh it hasn't really gotten much easier. We are still together with 2 kids but it is so difficult to look at her the same way I used too and trust isnt all back either. I wish she showed some remorse but got none and tells me to get the fuck over it. So i never even bring it up ever because she gets so angry....
Please don't give up and it is not your mistake. Do love your self more.
@@KFisher-un5fc It was 7 years before I had my first day of not thinking about the cheating. Like your experience, she had as much sympathy for me as the Terminator. This person I loved was more upset at my rather unhappy reaction to this, than she felt shame for doing in the first place.
This was really really needed. And thank you Samuel for recognising that there is a serious deficit of content for male betrayed spouses, I hope you will factor this in your future videos.
Thank you for sharing. My story very similar. In recovery. D Day 2 years ago. I would just add, yes processing all the lies has been the worst but it takes every ounce of me to deal with their intimacy. Never in a million years could have imagined. Marriage two is absolutely great except for the betrayal that lingers as a vail. What gets me the most is that it did not take a lot of changes to fix our marriage. The solutions were there all the time. Too bad my wife, of all people, had to infect me with betrayal so that we could both figure out what we needed to change. It´s as if your wife infected you with a terminal disease and then you both realized the value of life. Forgiveness is a very big word and it has many layers. I would need to be at the end of my life to tell you if I fully forgave. I infer that full forgiveness will never be reached. What I do have, is acceptance of my reality and I have a soul that screams constantly in silence.
Wow that's how I feel d-day 4 weeks ago
My soul does scream in silence.. i hate this is my new reality.
How are you doing now man? hope everything is good
Thank you, with tears. I wanted to like this 100 times. So not my end story, but so much what I felt in the process, and I have ended up with hope, lots of hope. Blessings to you both.
I'm sorry for your pain .I am 10 years out from the trauma of being cheated on .I still have a deep sadness . No one can possibly understand the hurt unless you have been in a situation like it .I thought I had a happy ,content marriage too .its interesting how the clues were there but only recognized in retrospect .
You guys are killing it with all of the videos that I need to see recently! Thank you so very much for showing me that what I am going through can be worked through with the proper help and plan.
You guys rock
I’m a male that has been betrayed recently and the feeling is unimaginable... the ups and downs are all day long everyday... it’s not only women that struggle with this life changing misery. Men deal with it and hurt just as much as women do.. There are good honest men that value a relationship and everything that comes with it out there dealing with this demon.
How are you doing brother?
just found out a month ago the love of my life my fiance/spouse of 15yrs 2kids had a 5 year affair/full blown relationship with a coworker .. I dont even know what I feel but 1 thing is sure. im LEAVING! Im worth more and I deserve someone who will value and respect me. someone that I can build the rest of my life with.
Thank you Rob for being vulnerable and candid. I am a female going through my spouse being unfaithful. Your sharing has helped me feel more normal. 🙏
8-weeks since D-day here. Lots of tears multiple times throughout the video. My wife has been doing a lot right since d-day to give us a chance to heal. The pain, shame, and anger is so intense at times I struggle with a deep commitment in either direction. don’t want to be a bitter old man. At the same time it’s hard to see us addressing every withdraw that will certainly come up over the next 30-40 years. Thanks for sharing you story.
Would you be willing to give an update 2 years later?
Was listening to this while getting ready for work, needless to say I had to call in late. One of the most profound discussions I've heard on your channel. Still struggling even after 30, yes 30 years from D Day. Will be contacting you very soon. Thank you so much.
I'm an unfaithful wife, and I am curious to know if 30 years past DDay, do you ever wish you would have left? I struggle and feel selfish staying in my marriage even though I want it with my whole heart I feel like I stole a chapter of his life and I don't deserve more. I know outside of having the affair I am a good wife to him, but I feel like I should be unselfish and walk away because he can't... Don't feel obligated to answer I just don't want to take more than I have already.
Scott Stanley
I know how you feel from my experience I left my cheating 1st wife I got over that quickly in 1997.
But my second wife was a serial cheater I stayed to raise my daughter I still have mind movies 25 years later. It has been horrible.
I think that is why God allows divorce for infidelity Staying with a cheater is very hard.
Dinosaur Dork
You sound like a good person who made some bad decisions. Please find a way to heal yourself and your husband.
Infidelity does not have to define you or the marriage Have you read “How to help your spouse heal from your affair”? It is required reading.
Is he still hurting? Ask him!
Does he still have mind movies? Ask him!
Is he still emasculated? Ask him!
Do you understand and feel his pain? Ask him
Do you live in shame? You should find away to get through the shame.
30 years ago how old were you? An adult with a teenage mind? Your brain was still developing
My serial cheating wife I now understand was molested by her dad for four years. I wish she could drop the shame of have sex with many many men and just be honest.
Are you and have you been radically honest?
I pray you your husband and your marriage becomes version 2.0 better and stronger
@@sandhillcranberry thank you for the reply Dan. Yes he still experiences all those things. I am very open in my communication with him and have been from the beginning. It hasn't been 30 years for me it's been 6 since it ended. Yes I am a different person now and while I struggle with the guilt i feel like if I didn't then I didn't really regret what I did. I know I'll never do it to him again because I got away with it for so long had plenty of opportunities and never took them. I just fear in 5 years (arbitrary number) he will still be haunted like this still question our marriage, and still feel pathetic for not leaving. I feel our marriage is so much stronger now because we communicate so openly where as before my husband was like an emotional robot.. zero feeling expression other than anger or just his even level head... Now I get more than that and while I do shy away from saying it I feel more connected with him now... I guess I feel like even though we are going through all the steps and working hard to make it through there will always be a stain on our story he can't escape and I hate that. I know I have to respect the decision he's making (1 year since d day) but part of me feels like a true unselfish act of love would be to let him go to find happiness with someone who didn't hurt him so so deeply.
@@sandhillcranberry i have a question for anyone who has insight, experience or wisdom to share..i have been married for 11.5 years and have lived with chat line, phone sex, in- line dating and affair sights not to mention pornography addiction of my husband..is this considered cheating..i am a mental/ emotional mess and has wreaked havoc on my physical health now..i told him i want out..last ditch effort, he started counseling ( nice).. but I have nothing left i feel nothing..it has been hard as now i want to leave & counselor says stay another year..i might as well quit breathing is how part of me feels.
Thank you for this honest insight into the betrayed husband. Several months out, I’m still hurting and hating myself and can’t tell my spouse. This happened to me right after our 45th anniversary. It still hurts me that I was that vulnerable when I thought I was strong. I cannot hurt him and see him cry. I’m glad you are forgiving and working through this.
definitely brought tears to my eyes, thank you for highlighting all these issues and giving insight to what we experience.
That was a good divorce lawyer he called; real integrity; he didn't just take his money; he actually told him to take a year and think about it before filing for divorce. other lawyers I know would be too happy to get your money. Thank you soooo much Rob for sharing your story. I'm a betrayed wife and I've never heard betrayal from this perspective before.
This is probably one of the best videos on affair recovery. When a man is the betrayed the shame is horrible. There are so many different emotions and issues to deal with. There are little resources for men. When you google betrayed male most search results will be sites for betrayed women. Infidelity sites that arent gender specific wind up being geared toward women. So you not only struggle with not being "man enough to satisfy your woman" you are now put into a historically female role as the one who was cheated on. Its like having a chest wound and are told to drive yourself to the hospital and when there being given a scalpel to remove the bullet yourself. It really hit home when he talked about becoming aware of new emotions. Crying when seeing certain commercials was something i didnt realize was a symptom of being betrayed. I also learned by watching these videos that pain from years ago that has been buried somehow come back, things from childhood that i havent thought about in over 40 years suddenly become front and center. I really hate to say i have PTSD because brave men and women have contracted this in service to our nation. But it is similar and it is so unfair that i have to shoulder this burden and lose who i was by a choice someone else made.
Out of fairness to you, we are learning rapidly that PTSD is far more than soldiers in war. What you experienced was very real.
I wanted to tell you guys that you're are a great team doing a gr8 service to understand the issue of infidelity..As a betrayed husband, I can definitely relate to the whole experience. God bless you and your fabulous team...
The statement I keep thinking that rings true for me, is that I will never be the same. It’s not just me that’s like that. Can’t finish the video now but I will. 17 minutes in
After listening to both Rob and Melanie's videos, I gotta say Rob has a heart of gold and backbone of steel to stay married. With Melanie's multiple affairs and just straight up lying to his face when asked, many would end up leaving, and assume Melanie has severe psychological issues. None of us can see the details and Rob made his decision.
One future possibility is that Rob and Melanie continue in their healing journey and communicating differently, and then Rob realizes he doesn't love Melanie anymore, and wants a divorce. This has happened with couples after betrayal, and once the betrayed spouse starts seeing his cheating spouse in a more realistic way, he doesn't love her and realizes she is the wrong wife. Possibly should never have married her?
Very true. It’s how I feel three years later. Although I don’t want a divorce, I definitely don’t love her like I did.
Glad to hear from the betrayed male perspective too. But as a betrayed female I can identify with Rob about everything including his statement about the deception and the lies hurting even more than the infidelity itself. Honesty and consistency is KEY if the unfaithful wants to move forward. Often they don't seem to understand that...how it truly affects one deeply.
Wow.. I'm not alone. I'm going through the second betrayal of my wife. I'm trying to stop the non-stop reel from playing in my head. Mainly because there's so many lies to sift through. I'm a wreck 😂🤣😂
Thank you for sharing this. I am wondering how people get past the lies. I still can't believe how convincingly my significant other lied to me over and over and over. We are pursuing reconciliation but I really don't know how I'll get past thinking he could be lying to me about anything for years to come and I won't know and end up being cheated on again. During our 3 years together, I was certain he was the most honest person I had ever known. Literally. Still struggling to even believe it.
So it's been a year, how are things going for you now? My wife just cheated on me, looking for answers.
@@mistermobile2615 How you doing?
I’m struggling with being betrayed by my wife, it’s been less than two months since I moved out and everything had come to light, multiple affairs, a pill addiction, lying and stealing, now I’m trying to see if we can make it through, and am struggling every day, I feel so lonely, I’ve lost my life, wife, dogs and everything. Trying to move forward and better myself and these are great to listen to, thank you
Are ok now at least
I needed this in my life. Thank you. The trauma world, the books and article's mostly play to men being the bad guy or the betrayer. It is great you were able to put this clip together. Thank you.
The date of "disclosure" of the affair is like having another anniversary date.
You have your wedding anniversary, then your disclosure anniversary.
Yup, this is true! I also know the date it started so I have two anniversaries.
This is speaking to me so deeply, all the way down to discovering things via Facebook messenger. The text wars, the name calling, trusting your gut when things don't feel right.
What I'm wondering though.. With trusting your gut. I feel beyond hypervigilant these days, 6 months after d-day, 3 months after no contact. I feel like I'm picking up on little "red flags" that might not even be that. I was good for a while and then all the sudden I feel like I did only weeks after d-day. Is this normal, to vacillate between being ok with your reality and living day to day, and then going through bouts of paranoia? Is that just part of the healing process?
And Rob, thank you so much for sharing. I'm out here sitting on my back porch on my birthday, by myself while the Mrs is at work, and im bawling dude. Thank you for stepping forward and sharing your story with us. I can't believe the amount of parallels between what I'm feeling and what you described.
Thank you.
it is somewhat normal my friend...but it's vital you get infidelity specific help in order to help you find a new sense of peace, even in the midst of what feels like chaos. it's possible for sure, though you will still have ups and downs.
@@samshealingpodcast great answer, Samuel! Wow!
yessss... that gut feeling is undeniable...my spouse lied to me too when I confronted him directly....but I gave my spouse the benefit of the doubt too....FOR YEARS. Because I believed in trust in relationship...but your gut keeps bothering you...12 years later, my gut kept bothering me....and then I prayed and asked & pleaded & begged God to reveal it- whatever it was. Confronting him again, I asked with tears in my eyes this time- and he finally broke! OMG...I was sad-never cried so much in my entire life.....but I also felt validated- like yes, I'm not crazy!
Well... with 3 months of no contact.. no resolve of any kind.. no hope of a start of a resolve a talking things trough... yes, you will be replaying stuff in your head, "finding new stuff".. You need the initiative to move forward friend. Triggers will be happening thou.
Samuel.....incredible story. All credit to your friends for having the courage to share their stories. I am a betrayed male spouse, 16 months from D-day. Still struggling as a couple, but fighting every day. Yes, I made some mistakes in dealing with discovery, my response etc. I would definitely be willing to share my story, feelings and the struggle to recover.
Paying forward and helping other betrayed and unfaithful spouses is something I am very interested in pursuing! Maybe you could help me help them?
Sounds like he had lots of Betrayal Trauma
Hearing this is helping me work through my own betrayal experience so much. It's great knowing I'm not alone. Thank you.
His feelings are what I felt and still feel, it does change you as a person, even if you are healed. I'm still going through this, still not sure if my spouse is not communicating with the BTP, he refuses to talk about any of it, I found out it was happening over 13 years! So I feel his emotions, I'm glad you are healing and know it can be forgiven but not forgotten.
thats my problem, i cannot forget and i struggle with this.....i dont wish this on my worst enemy....thanks for sharing..
Sometimes I feel crazy because I find no day I don't think about it and with no answers I feel stupid for still being at home.
same here , wouldnt wish this on worst enemy- i tell my wife all the time, do you realize how traumatizing this was for me. Do you realize this is the workst thing you could of done to a human being, to your family- what were you thinking. And emphasized the AP just wanted to use her for sex.. and she liked how it feeled being persued.
Thank you so much for sharing this. This subject as a betrayed male has made truly feel like I am on an island
This story is mine except I’m a betrayed wife. D day was April3, 2018. Thing is I’m still finding out things. He’s drip feeding me. I thought it was 1 affair. Several months ago, he told me that he had one night stands. He didn’t tell me voluntarily, it was through what I found on his computer. I have begged for all of the truth. He had a porn addiction, masturbation addiction and a sex addiction. I never knew. So in our 26 year marriage, this has been going on the whole time. That hurts the worst, that he still can’t come clean about how many women. That’s what hurts the most. I guess I will never know. I feel like it makes it harder for me. Maybe someday, I will get the whole truth but I won’t hold my breath. Very sad. I’m not leaving him but we’ll never have true intimacy until he can tell me all. That’s on him.
I know what you are saying! My husband refuses to tell me everything! It's so hard because I want the best, most intimate relationship that I can have with him. I love him so why wouldn't I want that? But his refusal to disclose what he should has put a huge wall between us. He wants me to trust him again but he is not trusting me to hear what he's done, and deal with it, and forgive and move on.
We're only 10 years. But he's had 3 girlfriends that I know of. But I honestly believe that there's more.
Same it's so hard💔💔💔💔💔💔
Thank you. I'm in pain now with same story and it makes me cry a lot.
Atleast I realized I shouldn't jump to the bridge.
Were a man, we suppose to be strong,
Hope you are feeling slightly better now..
I am so so so sad that it just happened to me, every day I am in tears. God plz help me
Hold on to God, never let go.
Samuel is right. For us it hits totally differently. Even if we betrayed them when it happens to us it's like WHOA and it drops you like the worst habit.
Thank you for all of your wonderful videos. I don't know what I'd do without them
MANNNNN! THANKNYOU GUYS FOR GIVING ME CLARITY AND PERSPECTIVE..
Rob, I can't begin to understand what you have gone through and I really hope you succeed in saving your marriage. I listened to Melanie's testimony and she said her first affair started 2 years into the marriage and she had a series of back to back affairs during the past 30 years of marriage. What I'm going to say is harsh but I'm not an optimist that she can really reform. She's had so many partners that her ability to bond to a man is permanently damaged. There's a reason why she's still staying with you and it's not love. There's nothing left in your marriage. The show has ended and everybody has gone home but you are sitting in an empty theater waiting for the show to resume. Sometimes the only way out is not to repair a broken marriage but to end it. Then you can start to truly heal. As it stands, you risk another emotional devastation if she relapses.
I also doubt she will change. Not because she lost the ability to bond with a man or has too many partners (those reasons sound mysoginistic) but she will not reform because it's who she is. A serial cheater. A serial cheater hardly change ever. 30 years of habit, lies, deceptions, justitifications, are hard to unpack. Not to mention the trauma of her husband realizing his whole marriage has been a big lie. So, i' give it 5 years until the husband realize he can't take it anymore.
She said she love him but hoe can you love someone and lie to them for 30 years?! Sorry but at some point it wasn't love anymore. You don't respect nor love him. I think she has convinced herself that she love him for sunk cost reason or because family reason.
This was wonderful….. thank you so much Samual and Rob
Good for you brother for keeping your composure when you found out because I lost my mind and went ballistic
It is as hard for women. This is one of the worst pain, terrible pain anyone can go thru.
I appreciate this. I can see that it is helpful for a lot of guys. I understand why because for many men (and probably women) sexuality is a major part of identity.
In my case, because of the way I was raised, sexuality is not a large defining characteristic of being male. I was also older when I married (41) and I went through a period of not caring about right and wrong with regard to premarital sex Therefore my internal reaction to the affair is far as the sex is more muted than most guys I guess. My biggest issue is around the broken trust. Bad as our marriage grew I always felt I could trust her and I always knew I would not cheat. Cheating is a betrayal of the marriage and in our case, with kids, the family.
Sex in an affair is really almost meaningless. Most men should understand this because most men have probably at some point engaged in meaningless sex. If you feel like you own your wife I can see sex in an affair being deeply hurtful to a man.
My only other thought as far as relating to this story is that the unfaithful actually owned up to and opened up about the infidelity. I can only rely on anecdote and personal experience, but it seems to me that especially when a woman is the unfaithful, owning the affair is unusual.
The observation toward the end about freedom is spot on.
M Fawls so true about meaningless sex in an affair...so why as a betrayed male do we feel so enraged. It’s not easy. Thanks for your two cents friend.
Great testimony/interview. Infidelity in a marriage is a form of "emotional insanity" which is devastating to the relationship!! Was blown away when she said: "Why are you gonna leave me for this occurrence, and not for other things I've done in the past"?. Men I know have said that the lies and betrayal made them feel worse (shame) than the report of the actual sexual act itself. I commend any man who can overcome/heal from this traumatic, devastating event, and can come out sane on the other side. Was interested in more details of what happened after the disclosure. He never stated how things are going currently (I assume they are doing well). Don't see how successful reconciliation can occur w/o truthful interactive communication and counseling.
Valuable, valuable listen! Thank you!
The same pain too, to a woman. It is like u died inside
Brother from another mother✋😉 completed this after a long time. This whole interview is like a mini session of counseling kudos to both...covered almost all points. I felt as if I am speaking 😊 just one to add in my personal opinion and that is, it might be a little hard for a female in some areas considering security, finance and those pathetic societal ideologies where women is always given wisdom. Counseling and all those things are just categorically middle-class for people around them.
Straight example of this is when I offered/asked/discussed about counseling, I was turned down saying you need to talk to "good(who have never faced this situation)" people. In short - we don't need it, it's not that deep 😊, or to the point straight what I believe in is - we are not interested in taking efforts though we know we made a huge mistake "Stay or don't stay ur choice we won't budge a little..." we have appointed a highly qualified counseller( the Great ex 😄) from outside .
In such situations it becomes very difficult. All viewers will surely understand this. How to solve it? Calling it off will also not suffice for our own future peace and harmony...
One of my biggest regrets is going to the APs husband through social and revealing the affair out of sheer anger and trauma. I was so distraught and honestly wasn’t thinking right, but I never stopped to think of how he would feel or take it. I’m sorry for hurting someone through my own pain. That just isn’t me and I hate that I let myself stoop so low. 😥
While I would like to confront the AP, I resist, as I do not want to dignify his existance. With his personality type, he would probably only take pride in the knowledge he caused pain to others.
I'm struggling with this right now. DDay was 6 weeks ago, but the deception and affair is ongoing. My wife's AP is her co-worker and their company has let go of two people in their same positions (high level management) just a year ago. The AP has been separated from his wife for a few years, kids are grown. I've thought about writing an email to the company so many times, but my wife has said she'll leave me immediately if I do that.
@@patrickstrasser9736 Why is she still choosing to go to work in the same place where her AP works ?? Why are u still staying if the affair is on going ? Seems to me she is making a choice here - and that choice doesn't seem to be you.
I don't mean to judge your circumstances or reasons for still staying but all I can say is that you 2 need to sit down & have a serious discussion and make some hard choices.
God Bless you !
@@johnthomasmoulton8934 thank you. I am in the same boat. Your reasons not to confront the AP are my reasons
You are not hurting him. You are letting him know that he is also been betrayed. You are doing him a favour.
This interview gave me so much hope. Please where can I reach Rob for a conversation?
This helped me. I'm 2 months in finding out her affair n dont see how we can be good again, let alone how I'm gonna be good again. I think were both trying but I think about it all day long n struggle w always thinking I'm wasting time. This guy said they never fought, as if it were a good thing, I've been thinking same about my relationship lately. Idk what to do, this is hardest 2 months of my life.
two months isn't much time at all my friend. what work have you done and what help are you getting? that makes a huge difference, even at two months.
@shawnguyen9538 day by day, take it day by day. The struggle will be there and if you both put the work in, it will became beautiful
The deception thing is huge. It sends me into darker holes than ever experienced before. Meanwhile she is sanitizing what she did and lying about the stupidest things. So painful.
That is my experience as well. As far as I know, my wife has technically not had an affair, but she has communicated with and or met up with her old boyfriend on several occasions behind my back, and lied about it. The latest lie is that I told her it was OK for her to see him. Why would I do that in 100 years? Talk about a pathetic lie!
Im am so utterly...completely connected with this story....i went through the same...same exact thing
This hit home. I’ve discovered things (nothing that confirm an affair) that don’t sit right. I’ve directly asked her multiple times and each time she’s looked me in the eyes and said NO.
However, like Rob, my gut is telling me something’s not right. It’s eating me alive!!! HELP!!!!
Did you discover something now?
Ask her to look through her phone. If she will not surrender her phone to you at any time to look through it, she is having an affair emotiinal/physical or both.
A question for people who have forgiven their partners:
Would you have done it if you guys didn't have kids and/or a property together?
I did. I grapple frequently about my decision, even 2 years later.
We didn’t have kids and I stayed. We have a big house. I’m still not sure that staying was the correct thing to do because of the self loathing I feel
For those going through the recovery, the most difficult part is to forgive your partner from your heart. I am currently struggling with this, and I have observed that they key is to develope empathy for your partner. Easier said than done though
I'm new to this whole thing. Thank you.
Please tell me about the list of 120 things you lost. What types of things are on a list. Thanks
Thank you Rob.
Devastation feeling is not just of man . This feeling is the same for women in the same situation.
I'm at the point of finding that I have been betrayed. This could I terview could have been me. I can't understand how she can be cold towards me. We loved each other. Where did it go? So sad.
If you can avoid finding out the better; the trauma associated with the truth is not worth it. Do your best and live life according to your terms. If one doesn't appreciate what you bring to the table, she is bound to rationalise why she did all that she did behind your back and it will be more hurtful. In conclusion, don't find out.
The pain is insane and you feel so many emotions
My goodness.. I feel what he shared and thank you for the message..
I have been with my wife for 16 years and have 3 kids.. Oldest is 11.. 2018 I discovered the first affair and seek help for myself because I felt like it was my fault.. So, I changed.. 2023, she has had 3 other affairs.. Recently found out that she slept with a man.. Mine and my children world is on fire..
I am still with her, but it’s incredibly hard for me to understand why.. When I ask, she gets frustrated and acts as if I should be over it.. I learned this horrific actions at the end of July..
I am expecting to be okay and get over what has happened and move on.. It’s extremely hard
Ofcourse it will be hard. why are you with her?
I’m currently going through this now with my wife after 17 years of marriage….
It took 3 years until I give up walked away so my,, best,, friend received the ultimate price....my ex wife..they live together now I moved out to another town,,,filed and obtained legal divorce certificate, I vent all over my trauma alone...lost 10 kg at some point and almost my left eye sight becouse of stress,,,Today I wish to them happy life ......to my ex and my,,friend,, just take care of my two beautiful kids please...Period!
Are you insane? Don't loose dignity.
This really helped Thank you
I definitely could not do this, but everyone is different.
I understand the idea of forgiveness, but I am still not clear what made him decide to stay in his marriage.
Right? 30 years of lying! His whole marriage is a sham!
I wish I could get an update of how they are doing now. I wish I could speak with his wife personally. I am the unfaithful female. It's been a little over a year since D-Day. I am struggling so bad, I still hurt so much. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. How do people live with themselves after this? How do I start to feel okay or better? I am so broken, I need to heal because if I don't it will destroy me. I saw someone comment saying he will never look at his wife the same and my heart just shattered. Is this the same way Rob (from the video) thinks? I am scared, I have no one in this world but my husband and I hurt him so much. There's not a day that goes by that I don't hurt. I need hope, I need to know that people do get through this and their love conquers even 20-30 years down the road.
you'll need expert, outside third party help my friend. this course will help you on our site for sure: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing i would take that course, as well as find an expert who can support you in your healing and guide you through the different stages you're going to walk through. it's too much pain and hurt to do on your own. it's too overwhelming and too overpowering to manage in your own strength or wisdom.
I am in a same boat , I’m still struggling .
I feel your pain, regret, & sincerity. But as a betrayed male it's hard to understand why you would choose to do something that you know will most likely lead to the end of your marriage and family? Why would you take that chance and have the nerve to feel bad about the consequences after? Why not just divorce before being with another person? I'm sorry... I'm just hurt & lost. As a faithful betrayed husband I feel that true love & friendship doesn't lie or cheat so to me it's like my marriage was a lie. I just don't understand. Not sure if I ever will. Sorry for venting.
@drfixit1554 are you still feeling this way? At the time you wrote this, did your partner try to answer your questions? What's the status on your marriage now? That is... if you don't mind sharing.
I liked hearing this view but I wish the host would have interrupted him less. I felt like he would start getting to his point snd you would interrupt the guy. Good info though
The moment of discovery seems like it should be an emotional blowout but I didn't do that either. I was hoping to hear an explanation of how the texts I'd just discovered were some kind of misunderstanding.
He’s lucky his wife wants to fix the marriage.. we are divorcing :( I tried my hardest though but she rather be with the other guy..
I am very very sorry
You may not see it now, and she might not see it, but you are too good for her Brendan. Things that you couldn't do in the relationship, go out and do. Hang out with friends more and heal yourself brother. I am rooting for you dude, I want the best for you :)
Hey Brendan that's rough. Keep your head up. You will get through this! Praying for you my brother!
I am in your shoes. She is leaving us. 14 years being erased in 5 months.i so wanted her to try working it out but she wont even consider it. I. Hope you get better.
Brendan don't worry bro. I am on the same boat, I really feel betrayed but I know that woman wasn't right for me. She put me through alot and now that we are separated everyone has opened my eyes to see this relationship was one sided. I gave her everything career,car,kids and it still wasn't enough. Value yourself bro
Thank you for this
Good one.
Great video...God bless all marriage...
Thank you!
Maybe this all works for people who stay together… what happens when your spouse betrays and abandons you
The trauma never goes away
i would disagree. with the right help, the trauma can be healed, and actually transformed. it may feel like it's never going to go away, but with the right help and process, you can absolutely heal and find new life and have it not imprison you the rest of your life. i would find a trauma expert who does work in either EMDR and/or ETT for your trauma. i wish you the best and as much healing as you can find my friend.
Sam, thanks for this. I'm from India, have used ur videos to come out of this to a much better place today.
I would be willing to be part of ur organisation, if I can help others who r hurt by sharing experience. India has very limited access to therapists who r experienced with infidelity..
Hi there, you can reach out to our team at info@hope-now.com!
@@AffairrecoveryLLC thank you. I've dropped an email..
I'm in week 5, and I do feel like a fool or shamed for staying... im a male betrayed. I feel like I'm the one who was duped and played. That I was the one who the sucker... how do I not change my view ?
when you say how do you NOT change your view, i'm a bit confused. the fact is, you may feel like that but our feelings are not always accurate. we don't have to go the way of our feelings...just like your significant other went the way of their feelings and had an affair, you don't have to go the way of your feelings and give yourself to feeling like a fool for staying. it's one of the most courageous things you can do is stay. or sometimes it's divorce as courage. every situation is different. it's going to require working through your emotions, grieving and giving yourself compassion and mercy. judging yourself simply won't help. it will only make things worse.
Quick questions for Rob. When you were blasting out your word salad was it filled with obscenities and very ugly hurtful words and accusations. Were you spewing this type of stuff in front of your kids and even after 8 months from d day did you still have those same feelings toward your wife as you did when it was d day. Im trying to be patient and establish a timeline, but lately he has said he wants a divorce its hard to determine the real from the fake.
I'm here with you
Ha" my ex husband cheated and had a baby on me. It's one of the worse pain 😫. Left him got into another relationship and found out my current one had and emotional affair with an ex after 11 yrs of us being together. Even tho he heard me talk about wat my ex did to me. Now I cant trust another man in life ever. To broken 💔 for that!!
Does anyone know where I can find hus wife's interview?
Can someone gimme link to the Melanie video?
I don't know the western mindset. But in India, if a women did this things, the husband will not even touch her body. Even if they try to stay together for kids and pride of family, inside the home the husband just don't touch her. We consider this as a biggest sin and there is no forgiveness. And our women don't do this and cannot forgave themselves till life. Culture matters.
What is the mindset if men have affairs? Are men treated the same if they cheat, as how women get treated if they cheat?
@@lynettedebeer5312 Both should not cheat. Yes MEn don't get the same treatment. But are the MEN and WOMEN are same physically and emotionally? Why majority of women leave their husband and take the kids when they cheat? Why men majority of men stayed in the relationship despite they cheat?
Every man I walk by I ask if that’s the dude y wife cheated with.
Please, it is possible to talk to Rob? Get some counseling from him?
Hey A Kelly, thanks for reaching out to AR. Please contact info@hope-now.com.
@@AffairrecoveryLLC Thank you ever so much.
Mind movies!!!!! Rob fantastic stuff best think I ever heard.don't think I can forgive her lies some of this sound like he does thank it's his falut
I am a betrayed male spouse. 34 years old 2 children. If there is anything at all i can do for anyone...anyone at all...just ask me ill talk to anyone. Im still with my wife that betrayed me with multiple people. There is not a lot of information out there but if i can give any advice to help anyone...let me know.
Thank you. Am the unfaithful and we really need help. We would be checking affairs recovery too..
@jhackett3066 I really hope you see this... Hello! Thank you for sharing and offering your time and conversation. Does the offer still stand? My husband and I could definitely benefit from your perspective and experience, regardless of the current status of your marriage.. although, we are curious..