Hi! All of the emotions that you describe here are very familiar to me, too. They're actually very common, and the fact that you're expressing yourself here (on UA-cam) is super helpful for people (like me and many others) to understand that "we are not alone" in our feelings. I think that many times, as men, we are encouraged (regardless of our experiences, or what we've been through) to hide feelings & thoughts. I'm impressed that you've made the choice to express yourself, and to articulate what you're working through, and present it to the rest of us. When you talk of "shame" - this is the same feeling i've had all of my life (just like you). I've never felt "worthy" of anything that i've achieved (although I'll act "worthy" - not to seem strange). But - yeah! What you describe is 100% my experience too. Not sure what it's all about, but it's really good to hear what your experience is. It rings true to me as well.
I’m 50 and this year has been the worst of my life ending up on a psych ward with chronic insomnia and depression. I struggle with feelings of shame, self loathing at times and ruminating, it’s difficult once I get in a thought loop to get out of it. Still struggling Life can be really hard man, just being inside our heads and navigating our thoughts and life itself
I'm 41. I was raised by an alcoholic father and emotionally unavailable mother. I know how it feels, and it ruined my life. I have achieved nothing in life and have nothing to look forward to.
Hola Adam. I just wanted to say that I'm sure it's a torturous set of emotions from the inside, but seeing you being so brave as to share it all with us, strangers, that's beyond commendable. You seem like ever such a kind-hearted soul and I just wish you all the best working this stuff out - better times ahead, I'm sure.
Hey, I'm 20 and feel exactly the same, you described it perfectly. Lifelong shame that seems to have been with me for as long as I can remember. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing, and I hope we both figure this shit out. Best of luck 💪🙏
If you do want to adress it have found Tim Fletcher's talks on C-PTSD and shame very helpful in case you want to analyse it further and understand it, and Joe Dispenzas talks with Dr Chatterlee, especially "This is when therapy can increase trauma" for actually breaking free from thought patterns that harm you and doesn't benefit anyone around you either. There's also an excellent, very easy to read book called There's nothing wrong with you by Cheri Huber that I think anyone with shame that keeps you crippled would find at least some solace and freedom from this feeling in. Apologies for the long comment and potential unsolicited advice, youtube doesn't support IMs anymore as far as i can gather.
4 personal questions: What would be yr ideal life? Where, with what [kind of] people, doing what? What are you afraid of would happen if you DIDN'T constantly shame yrself? What is yr shame "protecting" you/others from?
One last thing I will say; It is not in yr soul. Yr soul is pure. If yr soul contains any emotion it'd be pure joy, a golden light. Nobody is born with shame. It's seed was put in yr mind by someone external and then watered by others until you started to water it yrself and now it's a become a wild weed running the show. Pull it out! Roots an all. Consider what quality you'd like to plant in it's place and water that instead. I hope you can find some seed in all these comments that helps you the way yr video did me. Thanks again! With love/ Yr fellow shamee Nim
It sounds corny, but "inner child" work has helped me so much with this. For me, it's about taking a step back and looking at myself as if I was someone else. Or perhaps the child-me. And I give myself the comfort I'd give someone else. And I give child-me reassurance and patience and advice. You are worthy of all the things
I still live at home and at 40 years old, I'm going through my own mid-life crisis. You're not alone. Hearing you speak, I see my father in you. What you are going through is exactly what my dad is struggling with. We love each other, but he doesn't feel he's worth love. And he knows we love him, but he was so emotionally messed up as a kid, he has such shame and guilt for having good things happen to him. He feels he doesn't deserve it. He feels like, "Why do I deserve this when I don't deserve anything?" He loads himself up with trying to do everything for us so he'll feel deserving of love, but forget about taking care of himself. We remind him, "We love you unconditionally." It's so hard for him to feel positive most of the time; he's lacked confidence his entire life, yet always works hard to constantly prove himself. He is always trying to fix things, and even when the task is done, he's trying to make it better. He also needs to see instant results or he gets flustered. It's incredible how similar you and my father sound. You even smile in a similar fashion! ☺Take care man. You're not alone. 🤗 Listening to you speak is helping out your community; you're helping me out. You're doing good work. Thanks and keep it up! 🙂
(1) Can not take positive feedback... (2) Was that only from people or from yourself as well? (3) We all know where we are on the ladder of an activity (4) What skill set we have or have not (5) Sometimes the proud self feed back is not because I'm better than others (6) But I'm better than I was previously was. (7) That is where you can start.
great video, is a struggle to fight shame, because sometimes it comes from trauma so early is impossible to track, or even blocked memories. focusing on the present is important since it makes the emotional body understand that you're not in that moment of trauma anymore, you're different and the situation is different.
Adam, listen to me dude... you can escape your situation fairly easily. Here's how... all over the uk there are country estates/those who own large properties who advertise for a person/couple to live and work on site, do a bit of everything including much outdoors jobs within the beautiful grounds etc, it's a great way to live and stable too as these people need the help. You should look into this for sure.
That sounds interesting, you don't happy to know where to even begin to search? Short of picking a few select words from your comment, I wouldnt have a clue what to even stick into Google to get a search for that stuff lol
Sounds like a classic case of low self worth / esteem. Your self worth and how you see yourself is so low that you can't fathom that somebody would give you positive feedback so you think there's always a negative. I used to suffer from this too but got over it.
I really appreciate your transparency, Ad. You seem like such a standup dude, someone who would be a great friend. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself (easier said than done). UA-cam is luck but the video wouldn’t have blown up if it was shit, you were the reason it blew up - because of your humility. Only you could have made that video.
One thing thats helped me, as someone who suffers from extreme guilt and social anxiety, is letting go of the idea that im always right in my beliefs. Realizing that there are other possibilities outside of my own perception. Because depression/anxiety does tend to make you truly believe that your low self worth cant logically be any other way.
Also I like to think that someone can be born with certain genetics that make them more prone to negative Habits. And yes they may be more likely to experience challenges with this because of it being a part of your neural pathways. But neuroplasticity is also a thing, where if we change our habits, we can literally change our mind over time, like a sort of retraining to better handle those negative emotional responses. The one thing that possibly can keep a person stuck in a loop is the fear of change and being inauthentic to who they are (losing yourself) so the mind snaps back to what it's always known. To preserve your identity and ultimately to protect you/survive. But it isn't something that can't change with a lot of courage and practice, embracing the possibility that maybe you are worth something. That it isn't awful to accept praise or compliments. That you deserve a happy life like everyone else and aren't eternally stuck in this loop. I hope that maybe this rant helps someone in some way.
I struggled with same things and I’m 30 years old. I found out I have borderline low testosterone and honestly it’s my last hope, I recommend every man should get their hormone checked
We tend to stick to familiar thinking patterns, because that's all we know, it feels safe so it's our comfort zone. It's possible to rewire brain and learn new thought patterns, but it takes time. We need to challenge these thoughts and it feels uncomfortable. It supposedly takes a few weeks to change habits - but I'm pretty sure your therapist is already doing something about it 🙂. I don't know the cause, but I think it's getting easier to change thinking when we can acknowledge and accept things for what they are (or who we are). I know it sounds easier said than done but it helped me many times. It brings certain peace of mind if you let go and accept. P.S. subscribers come and go. As long as you stay true to yourself, those who stay and subscribe are making their own choice for a reason. Keep doing what you enjoy and the right people will find you.
Honestly, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's been 2 years since I watched my first video from you. And it seems nothing has changed. The Therapist is doing nothing but milking you of money and making you feel bad. You have to start lifting heavy weights, eating lots of red meat and healthy whole foods, start an online business such as Ecom brand and start making some serious money. Your life is never going to change making these feel sorry for me videos. Seriously man, if you want things to change you need to start taking action and some responsibility. Get to work. Or another year from now, you'll post the same exact video again.
hi I have a question , I wonder why the eletrician route did not work for you? you managed to get the nvq lvl 3 and other qualifications? just asking as I am thinking to re study for my level 3. thanks all the best
I was nvq lvl 3 qualified, didn't get anything else, so no regs, not test and inspection etc. It didn't work out because I simply didn't get any on site training, I learnt everything by the books because my employer had no work on/wouldnt put me on the work for basically 3 years. So when I became qualified, and we started to get work as subcontractors, I was tasked to do work I simply felt out of my depth to do. I was simply learning to pass a test, the real world need the experience. I moved companies and highlighted the issue and they listened, employed me, then threw me in the deepend, as a result i refused to put myself in a position where my lack of knowledge could potentially be very dangerous, and I simply didn't feel OK with that
Good video. Commendable honesty. On my channel I have a video about midlife crisis that you may get something out of. I had a year of therapy. Changed my life, especially when I followed that year with twice daily meditation forever. Get rid of your list of achievements. You don’t have to DO anything. You are alive. Experience it. Own it. I wish you good luck.
I'm sure you've already tried a million strategies... Have you tried, when you get the feeling you want to blame yourself, of just saying to yourself in your mind "It is what it is... so stop thinking!"? and telling your inner monolog to be quiet... talking over it repeatedly.
This is something I have been working on, its difficult for me as I don't feel convinced by what I am trying to tell myself, its like I 'know' I'm just trying to lie to myself and give me some false positive.. its a horrible part of who I am that I really can't shift 😬
This video hits home!!! I'm 54 and can't break out of the cycle of negative thoughts,it's been with me for so long,I just don't know any different.
Hi! All of the emotions that you describe here are very familiar to me, too. They're actually very common, and the fact that you're expressing yourself here (on UA-cam) is super helpful for people (like me and many others) to understand that "we are not alone" in our feelings. I think that many times, as men, we are encouraged (regardless of our experiences, or what we've been through) to hide feelings & thoughts. I'm impressed that you've made the choice to express yourself, and to articulate what you're working through, and present it to the rest of us. When you talk of "shame" - this is the same feeling i've had all of my life (just like you). I've never felt "worthy" of anything that i've achieved (although I'll act "worthy" - not to seem strange). But - yeah! What you describe is 100% my experience too. Not sure what it's all about, but it's really good to hear what your experience is. It rings true to me as well.
Thankyou for this comment, as you say my posting helps others to feel less alone, this sort of comment helps me for the same reason, so, Thankyou 🙏🏼
I’m 50 and this year has been the worst of my life ending up on a psych ward with chronic insomnia and depression. I struggle with feelings of shame, self loathing at times and ruminating, it’s difficult once I get in a thought loop to get out of it. Still struggling
Life can be really hard man, just being inside our heads and navigating our thoughts and life itself
I'm 41. I was raised by an alcoholic father and emotionally unavailable mother. I know how it feels, and it ruined my life. I have achieved nothing in life and have nothing to look forward to.
Hola Adam. I just wanted to say that I'm sure it's a torturous set of emotions from the inside, but seeing you being so brave as to share it all with us, strangers, that's beyond commendable. You seem like ever such a kind-hearted soul and I just wish you all the best working this stuff out - better times ahead, I'm sure.
Thats very kind of you, thankyou
Hey, I'm 20 and feel exactly the same, you described it perfectly. Lifelong shame that seems to have been with me for as long as I can remember. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing, and I hope we both figure this shit out. Best of luck 💪🙏
I realise you probably won't be able to feel the joy and appreciation this is written with or take it to heart but I love you!
If you do want to adress it have found Tim Fletcher's talks on C-PTSD and shame very helpful in case you want to analyse it further and understand it, and Joe Dispenzas talks with Dr Chatterlee, especially "This is when therapy can increase trauma" for actually breaking free from thought patterns that harm you and doesn't benefit anyone around you either. There's also an excellent, very easy to read book called There's nothing wrong with you by Cheri Huber that I think anyone with shame that keeps you crippled would find at least some solace and freedom from this feeling in.
Apologies for the long comment and potential unsolicited advice, youtube doesn't support IMs anymore as far as i can gather.
4 personal questions:
What would be yr ideal life?
Where, with what [kind of] people, doing what?
What are you afraid of would happen if you DIDN'T constantly shame yrself?
What is yr shame "protecting" you/others from?
One last thing I will say; It is not in yr soul. Yr soul is pure. If yr soul contains any emotion it'd be pure joy, a golden light. Nobody is born with shame. It's seed was put in yr mind by someone external and then watered by others until you started to water it yrself and now it's a become a wild weed running the show. Pull it out! Roots an all. Consider what quality you'd like to plant in it's place and water that instead.
I hope you can find some seed in all these comments that helps you the way yr video did me. Thanks again!
With love/ Yr fellow shamee Nim
It sounds corny, but "inner child" work has helped me so much with this. For me, it's about taking a step back and looking at myself as if I was someone else. Or perhaps the child-me. And I give myself the comfort I'd give someone else. And I give child-me reassurance and patience and advice. You are worthy of all the things
dealing with the same thing, buddy. avoiding people cause i feel im sparing them of myself, almost as a gift. hi from Croatia
Totally know what you say about avoiding people.. its a relatable feeling thats for sure
I still live at home and at 40 years old, I'm going through my own mid-life crisis. You're not alone. Hearing you speak, I see my father in you. What you are going through is exactly what my dad is struggling with. We love each other, but he doesn't feel he's worth love. And he knows we love him, but he was so emotionally messed up as a kid, he has such shame and guilt for having good things happen to him. He feels he doesn't deserve it. He feels like, "Why do I deserve this when I don't deserve anything?"
He loads himself up with trying to do everything for us so he'll feel deserving of love, but forget about taking care of himself. We remind him, "We love you unconditionally." It's so hard for him to feel positive most of the time; he's lacked confidence his entire life, yet always works hard to constantly prove himself. He is always trying to fix things, and even when the task is done, he's trying to make it better. He also needs to see instant results or he gets flustered. It's incredible how similar you and my father sound. You even smile in a similar fashion! ☺Take care man. You're not alone. 🤗 Listening to you speak is helping out your community; you're helping me out. You're doing good work. Thanks and keep it up! 🙂
(1) Can not take positive feedback...
(2) Was that only from people or from yourself as well?
(3) We all know where we are on the ladder of an activity
(4) What skill set we have or have not
(5) Sometimes the proud self feed back is not because I'm better than others
(6) But I'm better than I was previously was.
(7) That is where you can start.
great video, is a struggle to fight shame, because sometimes it comes from trauma so early is impossible to track, or even blocked memories.
focusing on the present is important since it makes the emotional body understand that you're not in that moment of trauma anymore, you're different and the situation is different.
Adam, listen to me dude... you can escape your situation fairly easily. Here's how... all over the uk there are country estates/those who own large properties who advertise for a person/couple to live and work on site, do a bit of everything including much outdoors jobs within the beautiful grounds etc, it's a great way to live and stable too as these people need the help. You should look into this for sure.
That sounds interesting, you don't happy to know where to even begin to search? Short of picking a few select words from your comment, I wouldnt have a clue what to even stick into Google to get a search for that stuff lol
Sounds like a classic case of low self worth / esteem. Your self worth and how you see yourself is so low that you can't fathom that somebody would give you positive feedback so you think there's always a negative. I used to suffer from this too but got over it.
"Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame", Patricia A. DeYoung.
I really appreciate your transparency, Ad. You seem like such a standup dude, someone who would be a great friend. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself (easier said than done). UA-cam is luck but the video wouldn’t have blown up if it was shit, you were the reason it blew up - because of your humility. Only you could have made that video.
I appreciate the kind words, the noise within is a bit bloody loud at the moment
One thing thats helped me, as someone who suffers from extreme guilt and social anxiety, is letting go of the idea that im always right in my beliefs. Realizing that there are other possibilities outside of my own perception. Because depression/anxiety does tend to make you truly believe that your low self worth cant logically be any other way.
Also I like to think that someone can be born with certain genetics that make them more prone to negative Habits. And yes they may be more likely to experience challenges with this because of it being a part of your neural pathways. But neuroplasticity is also a thing, where if we change our habits, we can literally change our mind over time, like a sort of retraining to better handle those negative emotional responses. The one thing that possibly can keep a person stuck in a loop is the fear of change and being inauthentic to who they are (losing yourself) so the mind snaps back to what it's always known. To preserve your identity and ultimately to protect you/survive. But it isn't something that can't change with a lot of courage and practice, embracing the possibility that maybe you are worth something. That it isn't awful to accept praise or compliments. That you deserve a happy life like everyone else and aren't eternally stuck in this loop. I hope that maybe this rant helps someone in some way.
Everything you say is 100% spot on.
I struggled with same things and I’m 30 years old. I found out I have borderline low testosterone and honestly it’s my last hope, I recommend every man should get their hormone checked
We tend to stick to familiar thinking patterns, because that's all we know, it feels safe so it's our comfort zone. It's possible to rewire brain and learn new thought patterns, but it takes time. We need to challenge these thoughts and it feels uncomfortable. It supposedly takes a few weeks to change habits - but I'm pretty sure your therapist is already doing something about it 🙂. I don't know the cause, but I think it's getting easier to change thinking when we can acknowledge and accept things for what they are (or who we are). I know it sounds easier said than done but it helped me many times. It brings certain peace of mind if you let go and accept. P.S. subscribers come and go. As long as you stay true to yourself, those who stay and subscribe are making their own choice for a reason. Keep doing what you enjoy and the right people will find you.
Honestly, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's been 2 years since I watched my first video from you. And it seems nothing has changed. The Therapist is doing nothing but milking you of money and making you feel bad. You have to start lifting heavy weights, eating lots of red meat and healthy whole foods, start an online business such as Ecom brand and start making some serious money. Your life is never going to change making these feel sorry for me videos. Seriously man, if you want things to change you need to start taking action and some responsibility.
Get to work. Or another year from now, you'll post the same exact video again.
hi I have a question , I wonder why the eletrician route did not work for you? you managed to get the nvq lvl 3 and other qualifications? just asking as I am thinking to re study for my level 3. thanks all the best
I was nvq lvl 3 qualified, didn't get anything else, so no regs, not test and inspection etc. It didn't work out because I simply didn't get any on site training, I learnt everything by the books because my employer had no work on/wouldnt put me on the work for basically 3 years.
So when I became qualified, and we started to get work as subcontractors, I was tasked to do work I simply felt out of my depth to do. I was simply learning to pass a test, the real world need the experience.
I moved companies and highlighted the issue and they listened, employed me, then threw me in the deepend, as a result i refused to put myself in a position where my lack of knowledge could potentially be very dangerous, and I simply didn't feel OK with that
Shame - it's a biggie!
chin up soldier!
Good video. Commendable honesty.
On my channel I have a video about midlife crisis that you may get something out of.
I had a year of therapy. Changed my life, especially when I followed that year with twice daily meditation forever.
Get rid of your list of achievements. You don’t have to DO anything. You are alive. Experience it. Own it.
I wish you good luck.
You ever looked into the carnivore diet?
I'm sure you've already tried a million strategies... Have you tried, when you get the feeling you want to blame yourself, of just saying to yourself in your mind "It is what it is... so stop thinking!"? and telling your inner monolog to be quiet... talking over it repeatedly.
This is something I have been working on, its difficult for me as I don't feel convinced by what I am trying to tell myself, its like I 'know' I'm just trying to lie to myself and give me some false positive.. its a horrible part of who I am that I really can't shift 😬