Emotional Regulation / Dysregulation in Relationships and Attachment Trauma
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- Опубліковано 22 сер 2024
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my UA-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Emotional Regulation / Dysregulation in Relationships and Attachment Trauma
In this video, I talk about the dysfunction and strain that emotional dysregulation has created in both our life and our roles in a relationship with a partner. One specific characteristic of a securely attached person is the ability to give and receive the exchange of emotional regulation.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Emotional Regulation / Dysregulation in Relationships and Attachment Trauma
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on UA-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on UA-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Yes, panic sets in when partner does things that makes me feel abandoned and not heard and minimized. I fight it out by emotional outburst, not doing it on purpose but it comes out of me when I feel helpless in a situation.
Great awareness. So important to notice when we are triggered or set off. I'm reminded of how challenging it can be to understand attachment trauma. It's hard to pin point. Thanks for commenting.
If you haven't already checked it out, based on your comment, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course is one response to how we might change these dynamics.
That's exactly what happens to me but I tried my best not to let it over take me but sometimes it makes us just act out and then it pushes the person away. Because they think when making drama especially when we do it over and over again that person will leave
This happens when the person doesn't call or text specially after intimacy.
If we continue to date avoidant men then this will keep happening to us but it's very hard to find someone who s secure.
Man I searched emotional dysregulation because I have found that seems to be my core issue. Only took 33 years to find a video that describes the exact repeated behavior of disconnecting and emotional outburst that makes it a non-stop cycle of lashing out and guilt/anxiety due to the behavior. I’ve tried hard to medicate it, too. SSRIs work to some extent but not enough and the side effects are terrible for the payout. Man this is a challenge to overcome.
Hi. i feel the same. it took many years for a diagnosis for me. and i am commencing DBT therapy shortly to give me better skills. Have u heard of it? Just throwing it out to you in case it of value to your future self.
Check into DBT…
Check out EFT therapy, it may make a difference.
This information of paying attention to my emotions has been of great value to me. As a child I learned to ignore my emotions and my needs. This has allowed me to remain in very painful relationships with little to no support for far too long. Thankfully, through a friend, I have finally had my first glimpse at what love is, and now I know what kind of loving companion that want to be, and also what kind of companion that I need. I still find myself ignoring the disregulation that arises within me when I am not being supported...and this video has reinforced the fact that I can't continue ignoring my needs without causing more pain to myself. I look forward to learning from your channel and to getting the support that I've needed for so long, and then moving forward in my life. I can't thank you enough.
Faith Evolution.
Lovely letter. Speaks for many, I’m sure. Certainly me.
I swear the people disliking these videos are other therapist or life coaches that are pissed they are not nearly as mature, professional and insightful. Learn from this man...don’t be hatin!
Often times we comment here and say I wish I encountered this channel x years ago, I think to some extent knowledge finds you when you're ready to receive it and especially if it pertains very dense stuff like this. All the same I am glad to have found your channel, it's been very useful.
Glad to hear this content came at a good time. Thank you for letting me know this content is useful. If you like this content then you may find more insight taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Good for you choosing a workable pace and seeking resources. Thanks for your comment.
Fight or flight mode makes it almost impossible not to react in a current trauma, past trauma or both mixed.
I am now involved with a person who is emotionally unavailable but because I was and still am vulnerable, I allow it . It’s not like he is doing it on purpose. He told me that he cannot be available until he takes care of some things. It is me that keeps having episodes of going back to him and wanting more. I know it is because I feel so lost right now. I have always had a problem with personal boundaries and when my life feels out of whack, I try to hang on to someone that I feel familiar with even if they can’t give me what I need. I learned I have ADD and have issues with emo regulation. 🥺
I just started on clonidine 0.1mg twice a day. So I am hoping this helps me. This is so hard though because my brain has a hard time excepting he cannot be with me, no matter the reason I know I need to move on. He cannot give me what I need.
It's very tough. I'm going through the same but I made a very tough choice of choosing myself and moving on.
Kind of a LOT of commercial interruptions...speaking of emotional dysregulation LOL
Very informative and helpful. I am working with this right now, and learning so much. One thing i have found that also helps is using my voice, and speaking kindly to myself.
I have just been diagnosed so i have been on the hunt to try and learn as much as possible. This is the only video i have see that describes me perfectly, unbelievable. Great job. Thank you.
Glad this video speaks to you. I appreciate the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort.
Since you like this video you may also like taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Powerful info. Thank you. You nail it every time. Answering these vague thoughts and feelings that are hard to pin down and define, much less address.
Wondering ...
what if a trauma bonded person tries to connect with a person who has no connecting capacity, and who is severely disregulated , and who then learns to numb and discount his/her experience and feelings, needs, etc. in order to feel safe with the volitility of the disregulated person and learns to “manage” him/her by being non responsive, unemotional, and peace making. This pattern seems to work relatively well to keep things from spiraling out of control.
But then in a new relationship, this peacemaker continues to respond in that learned way to any emotional expression from the new person. Even though he may want connection, the lack of emotional sharing is a roadblock. He or she assumes that no reaction is calming or helpful when it is in fact, discounting and disconnecting. Then the new person feels dysregulated and disconnected by the absence of the desired feed back.
The perpetuation of this inadequacy is like a contagious disease.
I don’t know if this makes sense but welcome any responses.
Sounds like attachment style that changed because of the previous relationship. Try looking up about dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles, might help to define this dynamic.
It;s as though you are in my mind. Alan, we love when you show your vulnerability. It heps your beautiful message hit home.
My bf must have this. Its hard. It makes me more afraid of our future together. Im trying to help him find ways to have self control. I heard distraction helps, like exercise. My bf chose me to be his grounding partner
More great content thank you.
I have learned meditation, attachment styles and soothing skills to get me through those moments. I found I was triggered all the time. The next part is Journaling that really helps me after the fact. I have only been able to journal one time in a trigger and that was awesome to figure out the root, the physical aspect and how to work out this trigger. I am working on the rewiring in my mind. I am seeing I have fewer triggers and don't immediately go into fear. When I do I can spot it better, name it better and have found the tools to get through it so much better.
Much ❤ to everyone
Thanks for the kind words. And thanks for your reflection. I see you were engaged with the content.
Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how helpful this video is.
I love ur name
As I listened to this video, it occurred to me ( I love these videos because they are delivered in such a way that they click memories and spark aha! ideas) that it’s important to hear what things we say to ourselves when we are self regulating. The more I think about this the more important it seems. If we are doing self deprecating talk, avoiding emotion by discounting them or ourselves, the self regulating is only going to feed more discontent and dysfunction, which can spread to other areas of our world.
I’d love to know Alan’ s thoughts on this.
So what i needed to hear right now. 10 years ago with self rejection i ghosted an old dear friend. I wasnt accepting where i was at and the shame had me pull away from him not to see that about myself anymore.
Last week i walked into him. I was soooo glad to see him. I made sure we exchanged numbers and have agreed to meet rhis week.
When the reality hit me that we would meet i was faced with why i ran away. I have sat with the feelings and realised i need to say good bye my old self and realise my current evolved self with this other person. In being very courageous and realise i will need to be vulnerable and share enough to feel back on track for our current and future friendship
Completely this just happened to me when I was dealing with an emotionally unavailable man that I knew was lying to me about his girlfriend being out of the picture. I just blurted stuff out and felt embarrassed and offered up too much personal info he really didn’t ask or care about. Ugh no longer in contact thankfully
This is very insightful for dealing with chronic illnesses and trying to help take care of my mom in late stage Parkinsons with dementia, and my father who has cancer keep coming back in every skin biopsy, he did have prostate cancer recovered, then had heart surgery, then another surgery for a hernia but then after a few years the skin cancer started showing up, and he had large painful surgeries and slow recoveries. It's been tough on him, and watching my mom fade and then be lucid for a little bit, then tune out. Our old calm family reactions are dyregulatated because we are all overwhelmed and tense. They won't reassure or talk out that kind of thing, so the it makes me more stressed, so have to see my attachment trauma is activated and recognize it. So this greatly helps with emotional regulation and the stress and my past PTSD. Thank you.
Would you please do a video, if you haven’t already, on the more complex approaches and strategies to regulate that you mentioned in the end of the video? Regulating when triggered and how to do that when In the presence of the person who triggers you would be great. Thank you!
Alicia Bolton yes lmk if u find something that helps with that
Thais Gibson has videos on this type of thing. I’ve learned some things but have yet to be able to practice 😂
this and all your videos so incredibly helpful ty again and again
I appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear the videos are helpful.
If you find my work beneficial then you may also be interested in taking part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
my nervous system feels calmed by hearing this video..... thank you so much
Glad this video speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit.
If this video is helpful then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for this video! I do experience emotional dysregulation in relationships because of attachment trauma. I just recently lost a friendship over this (although as St. Jerome says, "A friendship that can be lost was never a friendship to begin with"). It was helpful to hear that my attachment trauma and emotional dysregulation can actually be an assessment tool for whether or not my needs are getting met in a relationship. I have always beat myself up for getting emotionally dysregulated in relationships and not being able to control it. But now I see it as a way to see that my needs are not being met or that this person is triggering a trauma from abuse, so they may not be a safe person. That's what happened with this "friendship." It was initiated into a deeper level by the other person who was not really available for that level of intimacy and so my attachment trauma said: "Not safe! Not safe!". Thanks for shedding light on this!
Great summary and insight. That is an important reframe seeing the emotional dysregulation as a helpful tool. Glad this video was beneficial for your processing. You may find more insight taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can practice identifying when the dysregulation happens and choose to respond differently. Thanks for letting me know this video was illuminating.
Thank you so much for your video. It talk so much to me and help to unterstand what happening within myself while I am in relationships. 🙏🙏🙏
Glad to hear this video spoke to you. Thanks for the feedback. So important to keep talking about both how we self-regulate and co-regulate in relationships. You may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Thanks for commenting.
Allen, I’ve watched a lot of your videos I’ve joined the community and I’m doing your course, but this video right here is exactly me. I can’t believe how you nailed what just happened to me last week. Out of the blue. Thank you for the work that you do you have truly saved and changed my life in less than a week, and I’ve done a lot of work on myself already but this is really important work that you are doing
Thank you and God bless you, I have struggled with this all my life, thankyou for the advise 😊 ☺️
I don't have a plethora of single, available, and dateable female friends to practice this on. Dysregulation can be the results of someone who has Complex PTSD, which I have. Lastly, by not having a female partner to emotionally bond with and/or not having a love life, occupies my thoughts 24/7. I don't want to waste anymore of my life by being a chronically lonely bachelor, but I feel that I'm too old and too damaged to do anything about it now.
Happy Gilmore and there are probably millions of females in the exact same situation you are right now
My wife suffers this and has bipolar 2 disorder, but I didn't respond well to it and I regret I wasn't able to connect to her when she went through this.
You’re truly god sent ! Thank you so much for helping you are helping me so much ! It’s shocking 🙏🏻
i have never been able to put the way i feel into words. this has been so helpful and so enlightening and i’m so excited to be able to use this to help myself
Glad to hear this content helped you find the words. Thanks for the feedback and for valuing my work. We can never talk enough about emotional regulation. Thanks for commenting. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
Alan, your videos have been such a great help to me.
Thank you so much for your wonderful work.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for letting me know and thanks for valuing my work.
If the videos are helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
excellent excellent excellent. very vulnerable and worthwhile to personally share your experience in trauma. complex topics made very understandable
I appreciate the kind words. Glad I could deliver on explaining complex topics in understandable ways. Thanks for seeing and valuing my efforts.
found this super helpful! Thank you Alan!
Great to hear! Glad this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.
If you'd like to learn more about what drives the dysregulation in relationships then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I found exact what I needed by looking for it ! You're HELP THANK YOU ! I was exploding yesterday and did the mistake to give in again at my mother's MANIPULATIONS sick , sick and all other people were in my eyes my enemies ... I see 24 hours latter very clear !!! Thank God for the WISDOM you really share so Amazingly!!! Trauma from childhood kicked strong again now I start to control it !
I know we can only truly understand information coming at us when we are ready for it, but holy cow. Starting at 17:45, I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS!!!
Glad this spoke to you and glad this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my work.
This is a topic we discuss in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. There are members who have been there for over four years. The conversations are deep and rich. You may like learning alongside like-minded folks.
You're welcome to join us:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks for this video. I’ve been taking DBT for I am not entirely in control of my emotions when I interact with my ex partner. I felt it was me altogether. It only happens with with him. My behavior changes. I feel he reminds me of my interactions with my mom in my teenage years. Mom didn’t see or hear me. I would end up over explaining. Do relationships end up working when there is this disconnect ?
Example. It's probably not a good idea to go home and tell your wife you are in love with your girlfriend! Real Maturity comes with Emotional Regulation and learning to NOT Trigger people. Thanks!
Emotional DAMAGE! 🤵🏻♂️
What if you have no supports to get assistant from? This relies on an outside support from friends. Which is not always available.
Hi Alan! Is there any way that we could identify when our attachment style is being activated due to our projections/fears and when it is being activated because we have chosen the wrong partner and their behaviors or lack of is the trigger? I love that you repeatedly make the point that although it is our responsibility to tend to our emotions and regulate ourselves we also need our partner's support sometimes, What would be a good balance to determined if we are in the right relationship for us? what does it look like? I feel I tend to see it as just my responsibility and I am prone to rationalize or make excuses when something might be off with the other person's behavior . I would love to see a video on this. Thank you!
Delgado, thank you for your insight and comment here. We talk about some of these things in the 8-week program of self-directed healing work I created to put healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look big picture at how attachment injuries and attachment trauma got set up on our lives we are able to begin to see longing from a new perspective. We also gain access to inner resources that shift our relationship to the longing. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. If this is something that interests you, you are welcome to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. www.alanrobarge.com/community
My friend would help me emotionally regulate and she will listen to me complain about my boyfriend but she will always get tired of listening to me talk about the same thing
Such a helpful video thankyou x
Glad you find benefit.
This was so enlightening. Thank you.
menopause causes one to lose the ability they once had to regulate their emotions. Its ridiculous how quick post menopause one can get to 10 within 5 secs...and then to not get over the trauma for days, weeks, months???
i believed menopausal hormone changes were my problem. i have just been diagnosed with BPD and am commencing DBT training to get my emotional dysregulation in check.
this hits home!!! thanks alan.
I lost a 800 dollar deal today because of this. I was labeled in rehab and very defensive, now I feel like your talking directly to me
Absolutely helpful video!!! Absolutely helpful wow!
Appreciate the feedback. Glad this video was helpful for you. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
What if after your partner comes to you in an attempt to emotionally regulate and you do all of the things listed and more to attend to them and they are still not able to reach an emotionally regulated state? It would seem that my partner chronically feels dis-regulated by almost everything around her and it would seem they still dont reach a regulated state and I have tried having communication about this but they are a fearful avoidant and struggle with communicating what they need from me.
Great awareness. Thanks for the question. I'm reminded of how we experience anxiety in the different stages of a relationship. Sometimes we go through ongoing fear or anxiety in certain stages. Glad this video resonated for you.
Based on your comment and if you haven't already heard about it, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course is one response to changing these dynamics.
I absolutely love these tools
Kisha, glad to hear that. Thanks for the feedback. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in a new course I created. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
So validating!
Thanks
Fantastic video- thank you Alan.
Could someone explain to me please why we seek out partners with who there’s a disconnect or inability for linking nervous systems, an inability for emotional connection to take place?
That is all I want! I would have thought I’d recognise and be drawn to a persons warmth and ability to emotionally connect and invest in that relationship.
Why should it be the opposite?
Glad you like the video. Thanks for your question. It seems like your question is about awareness. We have different ways we react to emotional disconnect and familiar anxiety. We can be proactive and prepare for the triggers around emotional disconnect by understanding the different ways we respond to attachment distress. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you for this video 🙏
Glad you like this one. You're welcome.
This is amazing. I have something concrete that my support system,can actually understand and me too! Where can i get help because it is tearing my life apart
Thanks for your valuable information
You're welcome. Thank you for valuing my work.
We come together around content like this in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program.
You're welcome to join us:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Can you write a book
What do you do when your 5 y.o. is the trigger of regular emotional dysregulation? I have been up and down since being pregnant. She is very attached to me, and her emotional outbursts set me off.
The key is to have a pause between being triggered and the reaction. It takes consious effort and self compassion. You will mess up but it will get better and you can completely heal. Also, when speaking to your children, talk kindly when asking them to do something. Even when triggered, you can have boundaries and still be kind
Thanks!
You're so great I love you 🙂🙏🙏
Glad you love the content. Thank you for valuing my work. You might also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Thanks for the supportive comment.
Check out the membership community for healthy living
Thankyou
You're welcome. Glad you like this one. You may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
thank you
You're welcome.
Hi, how can i know if my partner is good for me? We are married
Seed planted 🌱 🪴 🌸
Thank you for your contribution on this topic. 💚
resonate
dude .all you need is cool glasses
Alan Robarge my on line go to shrink. Others can try but nobody is better than Alan.
Thanks for giving so much, Alan. Your love is amazing.... Gassho.....