Dating Wrong Person But Bonding with Sex / Attachment and Rushing Sexual Relating / Relationship
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- Опубліковано 1 жов 2024
- Dating Wrong Person But Bonding with Sex / Attachment and Rushing Sexual Relating / Relationship
Alan Robarge, Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
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Date for a while. If the other person is pushing you for sex, explain you want to get to know them, if they won't accept that, stop seeing them, they don't respect your boundaries. We're in a time having sex is considered sexual freedom but I'm glad he explained it triggers actual hormonal changes that shouldn't take place until you trust and know a person.
Perfect reply!
some can slam and not get overly attached
3 cheers to them 🍻
To put it mildly! - Amen yes, attachment trauma triggered with too early sex. I was 68 when I learned that women are flooded with oxytocin - the bonding hormone - during sex. Men only get a little. So there we are, with someone we just met, quickly asking to "define the relationship," feeling batshit because we don't even yet know if we like him! Could've used this info in high school. And childhood PTSD makes too-early sex downright catastrophic for many of us.
On point.
Completely agree.
Some men also get sooo affected by oxytocin
Agree.@@hernandariobernalparra7772
Men absolutely get a rush of oxytocin during orgasm and physical touch. Men and women are more similar than different. It’s the social conditioning that makes the most difference. And I agree, sex too soon gives us false security.
I’ve taken a step back from dating, but I decided to strengthen a new male platonic friendship. It wasn’t even until EIGHT months later that I discovered info that didn’t vibe with me, and I took pause to reflect how grateful I was that I took the time for this lesson. Because what if it had been romantic and I didn’t even know who this person was until eight months later?! Take your time.
Similar for me, but it only took 3 months. Removing sex from the equation definitely helps you see someone with more clarity
I spent 4 months getting to know him, he spoilt me & adored me until.... I found out he's totally impotent 😳 Even 4 viagras couldn't bring that thing back to life!
There's a side to all of us that only comes out in a relationship, and no amount of getting to know someone platonically will reveal that side. Also when somebody is okay to be platonic for a long time there are often reasons to that, for example they're not really interested, or not really available for a relationship. My experience is that people who are ready for a relationship don't typically find a platonic situation convenient and they only entertain it for so long.
I don't even want to give a man platonic access to me unless he brings any substantial benefit to me in my life. I've learned too late that men in the friendship zone are a wolf in waiting or they're just benefitting social status just being around us, using women as a free therapist etc... Men in general see women as objects and tools to use and conquer, they do not see women as human beings with emotions. They just don't! My father was extremely misogynistic I have opened my eyes and see everything for what it is.
That’s your own view don’t include all of us
Almost 5 years ago i met someone and we instantly started talking on the phone getting to know one another. About 2 months af talking we finally went on a date. I was pretty open and he shared what he wanted. Afer having sex with him a few weeks after the first date i started to notice changes in him and it always made me anxious. Then it went down hill from there. He wasnt emotionally available to me. He was secretive. He ignored me. He was so aggressive towards me everytime i wanted to address my concerns between us. I knew it wasnt right and i continued to disregard my feelings. We kept going on dates and having sex. It was a disaster. Thank you for this video to confirm that i was in a trauma bond. This person never cared about how i felt because i didnt take my time getting to know if this person made me feel emotionally and mentally safe. It really does take time getting to know people and boy did i learn my lesson!! So many tears and sleepless nights only to find that this person didnt care. It was a transactional relationship and disingenuous. Moving forward ill take my time getting to know people, in order to discern more genuine relationships. Thank you for this video.
Thanks for sharing! Will help many of us going forward.
Girl, learn basics about men. Try something less political correct like the book 'men don't love women like you'.
Men don't love women and their goal is to simply score them like a level im a video game, after the first time it's not so exciting to play the same level over and over again.
Same here....I knew it wasn't right but couldn't break away. I felt like I was obsessed.. I'm 52 years old and this has never happened in my entire life.
@@dmoon5150 im 40 and I know how you feel
I am sorry that happened to you. He couldn't give you what you needed, because he didn't have it in him. A void attracts another void. Make sure your own heart is full, that you hold yourself with love and kindness. Then you are more likely to attract a man who also has a full heart. Good luck, sister.
Wow. What a wakeup call.
I'm in this situation right now. I'm so confused about my feelings, but trying to keep him around at all cost. He's so selfish, and self absorbed. I'm an Empath, so I'm the opposite. I feel I need to get out of this ASAP. This is so eye-opening. Thank you so much.
. Gotta do the shadow work.
I just ended mine last July and moved 23 hours away. It feels so good. I’m not even trying to do that again. Mine last for three years. I didn’t even liked staying with him for real. I had to drink most of the times. When I slowly stopped drinking…I pulled away.
Definitely in that same situation
I've been there exactly. My advice is run don't walk away. I spent way too long in a relationship just like this. Please read the red flags and don't ignore them. You should not be confused and uncomfortable because he's self centered and you are an empath. Take care of yourself. He will never change.
At least you woke up! I wish I had in a very similar situation! It would’ve saved me a lot of hell and bad health. Us empaths gotta be extra careful. I wish you the best! A caring man is out there for us 💖
Sex should honestly be the culmination of a commitment. It can truly bring up some gnarly things. You will go to war with yourself if you truly desire genuine connection and commitment and care. ❤
sex is too important. better to have sex and a less than ideal romantic connection than to have no sex and no romantic connection just because you're chasing emotional perfection
This is everything. I think especially women need to digest this because we are made to bond when we have sex due to the oxytocin that's released. I have lived a long while now and I am thoroughly convinced sex too early will only prevent me from weeding out the ones who are not for me and just waste my time in ultimately stressful situations because one recognizes you're attached to someone who you don't even want to be with - and I don't have any more time to waste on those folks who I should pass on - there may be an early spark - however having chemistry or even potential chemistry does not automatically translate that this would be good relationship material.
Completely agree.
All humans have this reaction. It is just more “acceptable” in our society for women to express how sex makes them feel emotionally. But both men and women experience oxytocin, dopamine, and other hormone spikes during orgasm and generally all physical bonding. The physiological is almost the same between genders, but the cultural conditioning makes these issues so much more complicated and messed up. I agree though: it is so important to respect the power of physical, psychological, hormonal bonding.
Christianity Tries To Tell Women This, And Talks About Chastity And Preserving Your Purity, But Everybody Calls It Old Fashioned.
@@Ann963 That may be, but men under patriarchy are not allowed to express their feelings accurately and often suppress or distract or do something toxic rather than allow their vulnerability - they often are not even aware that they have feelings when intimacy triggers it. So, until the person they are intimate with understands whether the man is open to having his feelings and acknowledging them, which takes time and getting to really know the man, it is better to be skeptical and not give all of yourself to this person until you truly vet this person.
@@Ann963nop
This is why I’ve been celibate for years now. People always tend to ghost me as soon as I tell them I’m not sexually active because I want to truly connect with someone. And make sure they are 100% here for me as I am them. I get hit on a lot & I am sexy but, once they figure out that I’m not easy, they move on & then it makes me sad because then I want to stop dating because I’m starting to think the world is doomed by sexual connection. And not mindful/mental connection… Y’all need trauma counseling!
I understand you A LOT!!! I just broke up a three year relationship and I'm hurting a lot, cause I used to trust him but, with time, i learned he's a big liar, he didn't really care about me and tried to put me down whenever he could to make him feel better about himself. I'll keep celibate till I find a real patient man, who is really interested in me and my feelings, and who is patient and caring and loving. Of course I want a man who is sexually attracted to me and I'm as attracted to him as well, but sex is not good when you can't trust who you're with! I know I'm pretty and sexy just like you said, and a lot of guys are interested in me, but I will be very careful from now on, even more than I was when I was getting to know my ex. I hope you find love! ❤❤❤
You are keeping your self respect. Thats the most important.
You already gave it away. Imagine the guys position when they have to think about being put on the back burner in 2023
@@etcwhatever No, she gave that away before, and is now disrespecting others.
@@ph318 i dont care for your redpill nonsense. Especially because guys like you sleep around and then shame women. You do anything to get in bed with a woman and then call them names.
The butterflies in the stomach are a WARNING SIGNAL.
That you ate butterflies?
@@Bedevere😂🤣
Please do one on dating app fatigue… hopelessness…. quitting dating all together. 54 year old female, rural Montana
Yeees. I have run away from dating apps. Even though they try totempt with discounts.
At 54 your not going to find anyone on a dating app. Sorry to say this but it's the harsh truth. There is no incentive to commit especially after 50. No children either..And society penalises men whom get married. It's by design. They want atomised vulnerable people. Not strong families and couples.
I tried dating app , the exhaustion, the uncertainty, the fatigue was just something, had to just quit and be ok with been alone
I'm happy to say I've never used the apps or felt the need to.
@@mhaas281Well, yippee for you? 🙄
So true. And so obvious. I realize this is not a popular opinion, but popular or not, it's the truth. We deny it at our own peril.
What truth are you referring to?
@@MK-cc5ve ....that sex with people we don't really know leads to premature bonding. Putting the cart before the horse has consequences that just aren't worth it..unless sex happens to be the whole point for someone...or two...and even then, I'd personally argue..."not healthy"...but that's not the topic at hand.
@@macoeur1122 thank you for the explanation which I agree with
Why is everyone stating this strange and falsified idea that women “bond faster” than men in sexual engagement? The speaker here is a man and is talking about his professional and personal experience with attachment trauma
This is not to say you cannot recognize your personal disposition to often give loyalty after sex. If you know this to be the case for you, abstinence makes sense for you. But women are not biologically hard-wired to abandon ourselves, it’s an attachment trauma that all who have it (including non-women) have to struggle through as to get our needs and desires met…to push our personal responsibility for ignoring red flags to a genetic disposition because we are women is odd and against the point of this entire video. Be careful of destining yourself to destruction.
I totally agree, but I still come back to the idea that if you don't do anything sexual then you don't know if you are sexually compatible either which means you should just be friends. It's a conundrum
Currently not dating or “connecting “ with anyone. It’s lonely at times but way more peaceful ❤
I needed this video six years ago.... but i probably would have said "no, but this is different!" A hard, hard lesson.
Oh yes… I totally relate. I’ve done a lot of healing work… but was triggered into old attachment wounds when I felt unsafe and was not able to communicate properly what was going on for me. It didn’t help that they had their own attachment wounds. The chemistry was amazing, but since this experience I have been quite hesitant to get back out there dating again and very hesitant to explore a sexual relationship with anyone. Feel like this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 💛
Thank you for breaking down why I stopped being intimate this means I’m smarter than what I thought I was. I thought I was crazy but you explained it so well.
Well this explains Q4 of 2023 to me! 😂 The thing is I know better and should have done better in honoring my needs. I have an ACES score of 9 and after two long term relationships that were emotionally abusive, I took a an extended time out from dating, attended more therapy, and worked on myself. Then I met someone and thought I could handle “casually” dating. While I didn’t set out to be intimate too early, I chose to do so. When I realized that this person was not meeting my connection needs I was already attached. The end of that was confusing to process. My harsh inner critic is still flaring. Thank you for your channel I look forward to more videos.
Women destroy themselves so happily... but take twice and a half as much time to heal...
Denying my needs when so strongly wanting to be loved. Men take time to love... Their minds go narrowly straight to sex...a woman needs to give him time. Date for a while and come together ( if it is meant to be) through your mind and heart...not your crotch! It's difficult especially because we are all human with needs.
I find that guys become infatuated quickly but it fizzles out and never seems to grow into something meaningful.
@sallyjrwjrw6766 exactly what happens in many cases! I agree....that's why you must date a while first to see if he really opens his heart to you and if that is what you want too....then it's called making love not sex.
Completely agree.
When you attach to fast your judgement is blurred and distorted you no longer are making rational decisions it’s now a prison to your attachment
Thank you for the meaningful reflection. It's important to talk about how this can limit our ability to connect with our own decisions and choices.
I remember when this came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was similar to your comment. Take the relationship quiz to learn more about the Community. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
It’s also painful that the man I’m attracted to in every way and do decide to have sex, won’t marry me. But the men I date and have no attraction, no sex, they become stalkers.
Make it make sense.
I've been watching Coach Corey Wayne, and he repeats all the time
1. Rejection breeds obsession.
2. Women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
For the guys you like, you are over-eager and over-pursuing that it turns them off. For the guys that like you, they are over-eager and over-pursuing.
I had to get serious and learn what an actual healthy relationship is to get out of the toxic cycle. Figuring out what MY personal values are and not straying from them even if someone walked away. I was taught to serve the men period. I was taught codependency. It was so wrong for me. Also, learning about healthy feminine and healthy masculine energy. It sounds like woo woo, but we all put off a certain vibe/energy and like attracts like. Core values and moral compass... get really secure and confident about those.
@sallyjrwjrw6766 a man who is unclear, is not healthy. If you want a relationship grounded in security and transparency, then unclear is the last thing to seek out. A man who is not up front and honest breeds anxiety because it is unsafe.
@amberm5626 I was answering OP.
@carlabellbg5724no. That is highly socially imposed.
Wooo this video came just in time! Thank you for this ❤ I just started getting to know a man this past November and I needed this video to stand firm in my promise to myself to save the “cookies” until there’s an emotional bond and deeper connection as well as a title to our relationship
Omg yes!! I died laughing. The universe is tryna teach me something because I was just thinking about this
@@shawnteldrake367 yup!!! This was def a message for us to save the cookies for later lol 😝
Marriage?
I wish I came across this video a few months ago this is what is happening to me now and I am feeling really batshit over feeling bounded like this to someone I barely know. My mind is searching for that commitment too early when we may not even be compatible
@@VenusianStarseed I know the feeling all too well. Don’t beat yourself up over it 💕
Yes, thank you for expressing this in such a coherent manner! It helps me clarify my own thoughts on this.
Sex does bond and insecurely attached people need to be extra careful who we allow ourselves to bond with in that way. In our society there is such a strong tendency to underestimate what physical connection does to us so a lot of people throw themselves into casual sex when they don't have the capacity and the inner sense of security to freely make that choice. I have definitely done that in the past especially in the years after getting raped. I have done so much harm to myself with that behaviour. I'm trying to do it differently now. I have succeded in stopping to do that with strangers but after being celibate for more thank 3 years I fell into that trap with someone recently that I had a fwb style sexual realionship with for many years.
Well....after 3 years it's ok to have a fling to not feel like our organs are dead. As long as the phase doesn't extend long enough to make you feel dissatisfied
Everyone should watch this video. Sex should not be just like going to the toilet 🚽
Why do women make it so convenient?
@@GODHATESADOPTION Because men like to relieve themselves into a living, breathing female instead of on their own 👀
@@GODHATESADOPTION Why do men ram it in any hole?
@@msdemeanour to save you from capsizing and bail you out?
@@msdemeanour ex fiance said anal was like going to toilet on a dick tho
Trauma bonding occurs and what if you find out you can't stand the person. Also drunk hookups not smart
Many of us can relate. Really good to be talking about this.
I want to cry because I needed this exact video, exactly at this moment. UA-cam algorithm has my back wow
Woww, your timing is impeccable.
It is. It’s like I just been waiting on this video. Even tho I am past this video, it give me clarity that I’m heading in the right direction
I took psychadelics while i was conflicted in this type of relationship and it brought up feelings that I am basically molesting my own self by doing that. Mushrooms also show you that we are all one being, but thats another video. Wherever you are in your spiriual journey, opening the second chakra (sexual creativity), is vital. But, we are meant to progress and transcend sexual intercourse altogether. Its all YOU. ❤ Just trust the feelings.
Why would you need on external thing to make you realize? Realization is within. Weak 🫏
Why would you need an external thing to make you realize? Realization is within. Weak 🫏
Thank you! Im raise in very conservative Christian family! Though my marriage separated afterwards I never dated again for like years and years! And dating getting to know someone without sleeping with them saves me a lot of tears! For they reveal themselves in the long run. I suggest ladies please don’t sleep with them unless you really safe and you know them very well this 2024 😂 im open for dating but sleeping with just someone no! You don’t know their hygiene, at home, you don’t know who they are! So no for me! I embrace my body i thank my body for everything because this body been through a lot for me and my daughter to survive and to just give it away just like that to someone who you don’t even know if they brush their always is not for me 😂. If someone wont come along to prove themselves I might just adapt a kid a love it with all my heart. Since you know life is not just for relationship life is about embracing love in different paces of life.
Yes gratitude for our bodies. Hoping to heal.
Thank you for this series. Because of my trauma, I've never gotten past a third date. I'm just not able to hop in bed with someone and modern dating is sex saturated. How do you get past the third date when it's expected? How do you express that you need more time without them hitting the road?
Rejection is God's protection... and if you're a woman and you wait long enough, menopause arrives and it takes care of your desire for sex or a relationship. That and being hurt and disappointed over and over again in relationships.
I've never had sex on the third date. If a guy really likes you then he will wait. Just be honest.
As Alan says here..we need to normalise talking about our attachment injuries. Anyone whos genuienly interested in u will care enough to listen and honor it. If they dont, thats your information if they fit your wants and needs.
I tell men upfront that I'm looking to move slow physically. Period.
@@PerrySkyePhoenix Menopause doesn't end women's sexual desire. In many women, the libido remains the same
Alan..this is invaluable info. Gives me an answer to my 2 year mark on all past failed relationships. I distort the reality, hope it will get better (while having no awareness of it i mean by "better"), yet my needs are not being met, thecresentment grows and i just suddenly exit a relationship to manage overwhelm. Incredible insight!
I dont think any of us know what we are really doing. You stay single long enough and everyone has something wrong with them. Wgats funny is that everyone is doing the same thing to each other. Pointing out whats wrong with each other like we are perfect.
This is much much deeper than it sounds in the surface. Resuming 13 years of my life with the mother of my children we were amazing in bed ( divorced 15 years by now ) but we couldn't agree on anything! we were oil and water... but once the cloths was out of our bodies we were in heaven, so I thought. Nothing will change. Even after the separation, when the divorce was in process I could stop by her place and have an amazing moment in her bedroom.... Crazy, right?
Very relatable. I have an ex lover like that. I hope we never meet again. For some reason the sexual attraction is crazy magnetic. I'm glad you got to enjoy yourself.. 😂
To everyone pitting women and men against each other, listen to the video again. He is saying "WE, US, OUR ATTACHMENT SYSTEM, ETC". LISTEN TO HIS WORDS. THIS AFFECTS US ALL.
@JustCammie, are you saying the gentleman’s description is not appropriate? Is he doing a poor job by stating we/us? Please elaborate more so we can understand you. You’re onto something here…
@@peacelovejoyandhappiness I'm not saying that. I'm talking about people in the comments clearly making their own conclusions about women versus men, etc. It seems as if people are not actually listening.
@@JustCammie ok thank you. 🙏 You explained this well, I understand you.
Omg you have no idea how much I’m appreciating your content!! Even to name my condition as an attachment wound is getting me to label and understand myself better and then on the path to healing 💜
The timing is also perfect coz I’m in the early stages of dating (learning to date really). Listening to you explain this in the way you present it with warm empathy helps me understand and validate the responses my body and mind elicits.
Yes I minimise and ignore red flags for the possibility of a connection, but now I can get to a point where I can give a voice to that red flag even if it’s just in my journal. With awareness I can say my judgement is being hijacked by the emotions and hormones, projections and expectations. It’s quite a roller coaster!
I am learning and healing coz I’m seeing my patterns and learning to step-in earlier to break them! 💜🙏🏽
Your comment is encouraging to me and gives me hope.😇 Thank you. All the Best to you on your journey.🙏
I think I have the same chemical attachment even if I don't act on the sex. Just fantasizing about being with the person sexually can cause attachment wounds.
Amen. The last guy I hung out with used the ol “well I AM a MAN” huffy routine like it was my job to service him because that’s what “real” men get🙄glad I didn’t -found out he was separated for 7 years still married but “didn’t want to talk about why”. I’m like you want me to trust you enough to be intimate with you yet you can’t tell me the truth? That’s a deal breaker. Told me he loved me two weeks in saying “well you know I love you right?” and justified something I forget what saying “now that you “have” a man you don’t have to worry about that” all when we hadn’t even kissed or agreed we were dating or exclusive. He thought all he had to do was claim me and it was sex time🙄
this was so simply and well put. I did this most of my life into my 40s. It has been a disaster. For the last 2 years, I have decided to stay celibate and focus on learning to heal and soothe my deeply wounded nervous system.
I am really enjoying the single life! ✌️
what about kissing though? serious question
The more I like a guy, the longer I avoid intimacy. I need a clear mind for vetting and making sure about liking him. On the flip side, I don’t mind intimacy with guys I don’t want to get serious with. The guys I respect but not sexually attracted are candidates for friendship, if they don’t mind being friends (most of them do mind unfortunately).
Yes,yes,yes! Thank you for introducing this mindset. Sex too early is not a good idea when you want to be emotionally stable in the long run..
Guilty...... all you need to know is don't do it right away...... first.... get to know each other...... it took me having a child with the wrong woman and then dating several other after that for me to realize I need to find out who a person is before sleeping with them because it does get everything confused
Does it makes sense that I sometimes feel like I am creating a feeling inside me to make/force myself to feel things just not to disappoint other people? How s that called?
People pleasing and self abandonment
Perhaps deal with the messages of porn. We should be bonded in a real life relationship and growing mind, spirit and body together, as opposed to replacing that with porn.
LoL ..this attachment "symptoms" happens even if one ISN'T dating . It occurs while work w/ client unexpectedly on one's own behalf. Not quite projection..unconscious transference?? Totally bizarre!
Is sex then not triggering if we become attachment-“secure”? Or is it that it is actually normal/healthy/functional/secure for us to desire deep emotional relating and to feel the pain of disconnection when that isn’t happening?
As someone with a history of attachment trauma, I don’t want to be with anyone who isn’t interested in relating emotionally vulnerably. Does that make me insecure? To me, insecurity is denying my desires for connection by choosing to partner with emotionally unavailable people. So why waste time having casual sex with potentially many people, or cycling through one failed relationship after another, rather than investing one’s time and self more intentionally with more mature individuals?
Is it our attachment trauma that is so afraid of a bad investment by getting into an emotionally unhealthy relationship, and staying in it for years, largely thanks to the sex?
My feeling is that because we only have one life, why would we want to deprive ourselves of the possibility of a more fulfilling partnership by not wisely investing our time and attachment?
I think you answered all your questions wonderfully yourself!
Thank you, Alan, for your empathy, compassion, and for taking the time and effort to create and share such insightful content with us.
I also think that those of us with unintegrated attachment wounds/injuries/trauma may rush into sexual relationships in order to quickly create a strong bond with the other person.
As you explained, the sex, fueled by a hormonal cocktail of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and testosterone can strengthen our attachment to the person we are attracted to, but whom we barely know, and the connection we feel with that person isn't reliable because it's a result of having rushed into the sexual relationship.
Right. In my opinion, we need to learn to let the other one know we want to take things slowly. If the other can’t work with me on that, then you are not the right person for me. HOWEVER sometimes the drive/ need for relationship takes over and I start rationalizing on why it’s ok to move forward physically. Then I get hurt
Great video. Super helpful. Thank you. 🙏
When it’s with the wrong person, bonding can become bondage.
I know that i will probably be intimate early. If i have a connecton early i will want to connect intimately. I know it is best to wait,take it slow. But yes your video really spoke to me, it's like you reading my mind 🤣
On the one hand, this video was insightful. On the other hand it was quite frustrating to hear him repeat the same thing over and over again, without providing a solution for alternative way of acting in the early stages of dating.
I haven't even watched this video yet but I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME! It's like building a house of cards that can collapse at any time.
Well, why didn’t you just put my name in the title? I’m getting some good from your videos, thank you.
Very relatable video and looking forward to more of this content:)
🙏🏻✨Thank You for this video🙏🏻✨ right now I'm mourning the relationship I had last year and it was just based on sex and emotional disconection that only end up leaving me feeling like you describe, with so much resentment because I ended up with health problems , triggers and sad and he didnt bother a bit.
Excellent description of what has happened to me. I’ve been single for five years. In that time, I’ve dated a couple of men, but was able to see that they were not for me. Unfortunately we had sex way too early but it served to teach me that I no longer want to do things that way any more. from now on, I will take my time and not rush. Thanks so much.
This video is so on point with how dating is these days. Especially women who bond through sex more easily based on biology, we should not be as liberal with sex if we want quality, secure relationships.
Alan, please do more on this topic 🙏
🎯
Why tf does everyone keep saying women bond more through sex? That is complete BS.
@@JustCammie you need to understand evolutionary biology dear.
@@JustCammieyou can't call something "complete bs" without any facts to defend your view.
@@Nuance_nusoul where are your facts?
This is great. I think it's fine to actually share ideal behaviors as training wheels. Say it Delay sex until in a stable commitment like engagement and or marriage. Big hurts require big commitment,love, and containment from a partner.And or managing your own self is your responsibility not the other, and part of that is knowing your own injuries and healing them overcoming being devastated by relationship hurts, and being unwilling to suffer because you know your greatness and truth.and what that looks like feels like ... Good work good awakening everyone.❤
My hypothesis is none I of these fools are safe.
Absolutely. I am 44 and with CPTSD disorder and the best boundary I put in place was withholding from sex for 6 months. This has saved me from so many negative emotions dating and also weeded out the men who had a big problem with me setting healthy boundaries for myself
My testosterone levels just dropped from watching this shit 😂
Attached to wrong people too early leads to future divorce and lack of children's happiness. Hence damage by Frankfurt School.
Thank you. This is very appropriate for my current situation and has given me some understanding of what has recently happened in my life.
Can u do a video about being in relationship w someone who has high functioning autism?
Thank you for this. I love sex to much that I will continue to have sex with a stranger. I’m not new to this and it’s a muscle I been working with. For me I’m learning this way, I can now handle things better and I’m working on not distorting reality. It is what it is now. I’m a lot stronger now.😊
Thank you Alan. I definitely do this. Trying to learn more about myself and my patterns.
This is so timely. Thank you so much.
Sex and commitment should never be separated. The current 'casual sex/dating culture' is seriously messed up.
nah, i enjoy it
@@thunderpooch of course you enjoy it. Everyone enjoys attention, validation and the physical aspect of sex. Everyone enjoys junk food as well.....
Perfect timing, much needed. Thank you!
It feels really bad. To be with someone in that way. And they don't have any emotions about it.
Okay…I just shouldn’t be looking for love at all. This called me out too much and I’m struggling to fix my own issues. 😔
Wow! This really, greatly helps me understand myself! Thank you sooooo much for this video!
Please also talk about emotional attachment without sex too. Emotional soul ties are real to remember energy is real
This the guy I've needed to find! 😊 Been burying myself into all these so called 'youtube' relationship gurus..but this guy I think might be speaking more to me.
Alan it’s been years since I’ve watched you. This video is so tender and kind, it made me teary. Thank you so much for your work.
Love you Alan. Thank you for the great help !
Absolutely! Love this subject ❤️ thank you
This explains the trouble in my last relationship. The man was a god of sex but I didn't realize until almost a year that he was emotionally unavailable.
I slept with my current boyfriend early on but luckily the sex was mediocre 😂 so I wasn't as easily blinded by sex this time.
I have some questions I hope you can answer
1. Even before sex I feel an intense bond and intense rush and I am quite distracted by the desire to have sex for the first time with this person and the frustration of not having it and trying to wait that that itself gets in the way of me seeing the person clearly because I want to have sex so badly that I will ignore any reasons not to.
2 how does one cope with not having sex? And Is this not a basic need too, for adults? Genuinely asking! I usually have to go two weeks between seeing my partner, and my god, it is so hard to go even that long without sex.
3. How long do you recommend waiting for? I recognize this will vary but I feel the cupcake stage and seeing the person for who they are and develop a deep level of trust and commitment could take close to year or even several years. I can’t imagine being able to wait for sex that long.
My partner and I waited about 6 weeks and it was about all I could bear. For context, if it makes any difference, we are lesbian. After the first few weeks all I could think about is how much I wanted to sleep with her. Actually doing it and releasing that energy helped me refocus on getting to know her while also having sex, instead of sexual desire being this huge cloud that takes up all the space. What is this about and is it wrong?
Oh god, the word for word truth- telling- accuracy of this is killing me. Ugh!
At a certain point, people need to take some personal responsibility for their own happiness and wounds, such as going to therapy and finding self-love and healing so that they can show up for themselves and others. My most current partner was on the spectrum. We had a magical beginning but as I got more attached, his confidence grew as someone who had little dating experience and he started to want to wait for the fantasy women in his head he built up for twenty plus years of not really dating. Or a model ideal from his twenties that didn't work then, and still wanting that in his late forties. He gave up something really genuine, loving and all the hot sex for an idea and ideal that most likely won't come. Of course this also hurts my own self worth but I've also put in the work to love myself and see my value and how I show up. He has shown up for me during death in my family in a way I'll always be grateful for but with dating he is going to have to go on his own journey to see how crappy that world can be especially for someone who isn't the best communicator. I wish people really put in the work to deal with their wounds so that they could be open hearted for the people who deserve it.
Thank you, Alan. This was incredible. You presented this, my experience, so clearly. And reasonably. I feel immeasurably more sane and understood. And less isolated. ❤
I broke up with my ex 4 months ago, got into a new relationship a month later, dated him for 2 months (he became emotionally/sexually abusive, we broke up), then my ex started reaching out to hang out “as friends” and we’ve become intimate. Why do I create such messes? I care about my ex deeply, he’s an amazing person who genuinely cares about me and sees me for who I am, but for whatever reason I don’t feel that spark, I can’t help but feel that there’s someone else better for me. I shouldn’t have allowed us to be intimate. Just makes everything harder.
The spark is a lie -- a high that makes you look past red flags. Crazy making.
Very insightful thank you
This happened with the last person I was attached to. And it was painful when it ended.
I really appreciate your perspective on this. Your take is very enlightening.
Thank you 🙏
So good to have discovered this video!!!!! I am just healinng from this. Just sharing so much intimacy wirh someone we do.not.know well....and then....he walks away..... comes back 10 days later......just bread crumbs......
I hear you. If I could tell you how many of us have been in that situation. When we enter into a deep connection so quickly it makes sense that it sets us off. I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's so comforting to know when others can relate. Thank you for sharing this video was helpful. We learn so much from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you Alan! Great explanation of this attachment trauma.
Oh god, are you spying on me??!!
Wow this is the best explanation on the subject I've ever seen.
I appreciate the feedback and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it's helpful.
Please share this video on other social sites. It really helps spread the word on these topics. Thank you for your help.
So we have fearful attachment ?
Basically...you either fucking too much or not fucking at all two extremes.
I lived that in the Last.months!
Very positif and at the same time Not good for.me.
It ended.going nowhere. Much much Heartbreak at my Side!!!!
Very painfull and Frustrating toi.have fallen for a n' ce but unavailable man emotionally, Woman consommateur.....
❤from South of France
I hear you, so many of us can relate and have been there as well. Thank you sharing this video connected for you. I want to share you may also like to take the relationship quiz. Thank you for commenting. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Hey Alan! Thank you so much for all your amazing advice and sharing of your knowledge
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your experience. You would probably be surprised at how many of us can relate with being long term single. If you haven't already heard about it, I want to share about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's so affirming when others understand our experience. We learn a lot from each other. You're invited to join us. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you, this was very helpful, and definitely made me realize how I have always been to quick to become sexually involved with partners, despite seeing red flags.
Oh if you only knew how many of us can relate. Glad to hear this video was helpful for you. I know when we talked about ignoring the red flags in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. Thank you for the feedback and for sharing your experience. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Intimacy and vulnerability activates a fear, great confusion and primal panic. This describes me 100%. So I run before they can leave. Unfortunately this equals the self fulfilling prophecy and ends with me being alone. I finally just gave up on dating and decided to take time to try and heal.
I can see many of us nodding because this is so relatable. If you knew how many people have shared about this experience of primal panic. I know when we mentioned it in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. It's affirming when others can relate. Thank you for sharing your experience. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
This was very interesting and does have parallels with a relationship I was in for 4 years.....the sex part was rushed and I jbow I was taking a huge risk, but continued on anyway ignoring red flags as I became deeply bonded. My brain was flooded with all of the happy bonding hormones which made the whole situation so confusing. So remained loyal and in love, while he got enjoy the privilege of a relationship that seemed all in. However he had always had one foot out the door with FOMO experiencing connections with a variety of others. I had made it known that I didn't want to be treated as an option or strung along if he had interest elsewhere, however he failed to take me seriously which was very hurtful. I asked for exclusively and he basically checked out and ghosted me. I feel ripped of and devastated. But have learnt a valuable lesson....
I can see so many of us nodding our head agreeing to what you're saying, it is so true. Glad you shared this insight, it is a helpful reminder for many people. Also, if you haven’t checked out the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships please do. Your type of insight shared here is welcome in the community. Oh and one more thing, when others mirror what we need to hear, it is so affirming. Thanks again. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Well this was spookily on time!!!
I love that you acknowleged that it is an unfortunate curse that dating and getting close opens the door to triggering attachment stress and fear. I've been on my healing journey and have a lot more self-awareness about my thoughts and feelings (with some level of detachment to them). Some emotions I've been feeling and still having difficulty moving past is feeling bad when I notice the confusing feelings medley of liking someone but also notice a stimultaneous increase in stress and fear which triggers me to feel so vulnerable of being hurt or rejected. I want to let my new potential partner know what's going on but I also notice shame that arises when I do. However, I did notice that verbalizing my fears and asking for what I need without blaming (also perhaps to the right partner that reassures me) has been helpful in calming my nervous system in the long run.
Yes this is true. I can see many of us nodding our head in agreement around that medley of feelings. So many of us can relate with having a hard time expressing ourselves in partner relationships. I know when we talked about challenging ourselves to voice our needs in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be validating when others can relate with our experience. We learn so much from each other.
www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
The biggest difficulty is that we may not find a partner often, we may already know that person as a friend or acquaintance either from a previous workplace or sports or church. We generally get along well with them and when changing the dynamics and dating we often are more comfortable and open. We may no date more then one a week, connect then on text and so on. Typically attempting to discuss or discern possible direction can be difficult. But I would agree that we need to acknowledge what type of relationship we are actually having. Friends with benefits is too commonplace and someone with attachment issues would maybe not knowing dive into without being aware
I agree, developing a strong foundation before changing the dynamics and dating tends to create feelings of openness and comfort. I remember when we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. Thank you for commenting and I'm glad the video inspired reflection for you. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2