THESE ARE THE SIGNS SOMEONE WAS RAISED BY A BORDERLINE MOTHER
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- Опубліковано 9 січ 2021
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Were you raised by a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder or primary caregiver with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? This video explores the research and clinical signs of how a person presents in therapy who may have been someone raised by a BPD mom or caregiver.
Given BPD exists on a wide spectrum, and can overlap and be co-morbid with other disorders and traits -- some, none or all examples and signs may be relevant to your experience and childhood.
What does the research say about babies, toddlers and children of Borderline mothers?
What signs might we see in ourselves when we have grown up with moms (especially untreated moms or caregivers) who may have struggled to provide consistently attuned, present, safe and stable environments for us?
What types of qualities might we have when our moms or caregivers have a diagnosis or traits of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Many of the signs also apply to a general experience of what I call "MAMA TRAUMA" -- childhood and adulthood experiences with parents who were or are immature, narcissistic, unavailable, unsafe, highly critical, wounding, etc..
xo
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One of the hardest parts for me was when I would open up to family friends or people who knew my mother and I would be told she’s a great mother.
@@GIwillo yeah, having your experience invalidated is crushing. TBH i started getting therapy and when explaining how i felt i needed to justify to others that i had been abused, that i had this internal doubt, she just calmly told me "you were neglected and you were abused". I have never had such a powerful emotional reaction in my life. it felt as if new life was breathed into me, my existence for the first time ever had been recognised and validated.
@@GIwillo Yeh its a terrible thing, after living with her so long you gain a 6th sense, a survival instinct catered specifically to analyse and monitor the emotional states of others. I have a similar experience, im 21, I only go home when I need to use my computer to study and i literally have to barricade my door to stop the constant fight or flight response. Im sure we both will continue to improve, its good to know we arent alone in our experience.
Yes!! This is huge for me too. Not being believed or validated. Then I would look at myself thinking theres something wrong with me. My mother always told me I was angry....I wonder why
@@lisasimpson3793 Is an abusive mother better than no mother? I think those situations are painful in different ways and one isn’t necessarily better than the other.
For me, it's bad either way. If my friends call her crazy, I hear her voice saying, "I bet you just call me crazy to all your friends," and I try to defend her 😅
My main memory is that I never knew what mood my mother would be in on a daily basis. It's like they had different personalities.
100% i was just saying this to my partner this morning
Same as, I would wake up and leave the house before she was awake I was always so worried about what she would say when I returned home 😢
Exactly. Or moment to moment
Yep. Can't tell you a single thing about her personality. Just that she's unpredictable and self centered most of the time.
I used to have nightmares as a kid that my mom would turn into a witch, and I would be terrified of when this would happen. In retrospect, it was the fear of her volatile and changing moods. I never knew what to expect and when she would turn cruel.
I learned from a very young age to keep my mouth shut because it’s so unbelievable. What happens when no one is looking. No one will believe you. My mom has the best personality in front of people everyone adores her. But then there’s the secret sides of only I know of, that can not be explained without looking crazy. It’s very isolating.
This is really helping me understand what's going on with a teen boy staying with us.his mom is bpd.i know there's this wall where he isn't talking about something but acting out at home.he doesn't want to go home.
Please describe the behaviours for us.
❤️🙏💞
I Know exactly what you mean. Absolute (fake) angel in public, but devil at home.... I have vivid memories of my mother behind closed doors snarling at me through gritted teeth to "Shut your mouth" and "How DARE you!" whenever I questioned anything.... I still remember her telling me when I was 11 years old that, "I own every single hair on your head!"... I can remember being filled with so much anger and resentment, (but not really knowing what those feelings were at the time) because I KNEW I was my OWN person and I HATED that she thought of me as a POSSESSION! She didn't OWN me. I owned myself. I remember I even tried to say something to that effect, about people being autonomous.... (with all the knowledge of a child's brain and being 1991, I'm sure my argument wasn't great, but I do remember that even back then, I knew that something felt 'off') and she DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL!
I have been no contact now for over 5 years and it's the only way that I have found peace after 43 years... xox
maybe it’s not bpd then. if it only shows up in one setting (home)
I felt every bit of this...its so strange to feel like a small child all the time and feel like I am parenting my parent and have always been 40 years old inside also. Its exhausting.
I so understand- it is exhausting and it's such a challenging dynamic. Please take care and know you are worthy of healing --and just being who you were meant to be without having to always take care of everyone else...
@@DrKimSage Thank you! That's what I am working on now...I bumped therapy from once a month to once a week as I navigate this whole setting boundaries/deciding to go no contact or very low contact. I love your videos! They have been comforting, validating and insightful. Thank you for working so hard on getting this info out there in a way that is easy to understand. :)
@@juliegirlification I've been there. I promise, the work you put into therapy and setting boundries will pay off! Not to sound cliché it will get better and you will be happier.
That's such a good description. I, too, spent most of my life feeling like both a little kid and a tired old person, just completely overwhelmed and worn out.
Same
No one quite understands what I go through. I have invisible trauma that was never my burden to bear. I had no words to describe my family. Thank you
forever trauma
At least 73 people get what you mean, at time of comment. I thought I was over it but my parents are living with me now and it's all coming back.
You described it to a T. I’ve always felt selfish for feeling angry towards to my mom. She’s called me selfish too especially cause I moved out at an early age. But now I know what secluded me and led me to having a “walking on eggshells” type of childhood. My life was all about my moms emotions and I wouldn’t dare to take her off the pedestal until I got older
@@laflor6854 I can def relate. Best wishes to you.
@@ludokerfluffle6232 can you... kick them out? :)
My parents died by the time I turned 50. I was so relieved. I wanted to forget them. They fade away to nothing after a while. Its been fifteen years. Now when I do think of them it is with pity and I have forgiven them. It is peacefulness to forgive and forget. Don't torture yourselves by ruminating your experience. Meditate on wellbeing and honoring your true self. I do this every morning.
Trust the process and feel better.💝
It’s hard when you are 65 and your mother is 92 and healthy . It will never end.
Pity is the way out ❤
@@flowerpower3618 27 gap ouch. Then I realize I'm at a 23 gap, let's just say I will not be encouraging the cessation of nicotine use.
Thank you ❤
@@flowerpower3618 YEP!!!! 80 years old. Imagine an 80 year old woman baby talking and throwing food if she does not like it. Then snapping back to anger and rage when you tell her to knock it off. The only way it ends is with their deaths.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
1. being a caretaker - trying to make it ok for everyone
2. Mental health issues : anxiety , depression , PTSD and chronic health issues - e.g. autoimmune
3.Poor dealing with anger
4.Identity Issues
5. Trust Issues
6. Perfectionism & self criticism
7. Seeking safety in partners
8. Anxiety in love
9. Higher levels of trauma
10. OCD / controlling
11. Hard time in self value
12. Hard time feeling and being an independent adult
Thank you!
I don't know if parents were BPD, but I still scored 11 of 12. Sigh!
Fucking hell. If I scored 12/12 I guess I might have problems.
Hard on you💗
Empath...Ditto here. Only child..
My parents were not BP..Just over protective..im only child, but my husband is UNPREDICTABLE UNRELIABLE, UNDETECTABLE... etc. Im basically a single married mom.who, is ill, injured, losing home, list my car, etc.. b/c he hasn't worked....
Struggle is real...my parents are married 55 years..met in 6th grade
🌺❤️ wish I had this information growing up 🌺❤️
I have a BPD mom, she's a gem to the outside world and wholly freaking crazy to live with as a child. I have so many questions that are unanswered, mostly about who I was with in my early years. 😪 She just denies and denies even to herself how abusive she was.
What about your father, and other siblings? Where were they?
Have you ever considered that your current unhappiness isn't about your mom but about you and your own decisions?
Same with my mother. It’s really sad.
I reminded my BPD mom that I ran away when I was 9 & an officer had to bring me back home & she denied that! I could not believe that! Her words, “ That never happened! I was never abusive. Stop making things up.” My mom was very abusive. 💔😢
@@imveryhungry112 Your comment is strange and weird. She never mentioned that she was unhappy. Why are you questioning her experience that she lived with her Mom? Do you know her Mom or her experience better than her? Bet you are likely a mother who is being accused by your kids that you messed them up, and now you are defensive.
I can’t help but demonise BPD, having grown up in a house with it. I’m still filled with so much anger and hatred towards my mother, even after years of no contact. It’s so hard to let that go.
Same
Can't blame you for that at all. It's lonely when someone makes all their issues your problem. It's not your fault, and you have a right to be angry. From someone who has BPD herself and is actually getting help...your mom had a choice. Sounds like she didn't choose well. Get well soon.
Edit: this is why I DO NOT ever want to be a mom. I could never give him/her what they need.
@@IAmBuddythedecibwave You’re acknowledging your problems and seeking help, something my mum will never do. Just those two things alone are a big deal 💙
Do you think we have to forgive them? So we don't become them, angry and resentful. It's challenging I must admit. How are you today?
@@josuecamarillo3011 of course not. They don’t deserve to be forgiven. You can give yourself a break though.
I truly feel that the trauma sustained by our mothers may be the trauma that the least number of people speak about. My mother had several toxic traits:
1.) Never apologized, at most you'd get an admission of guilt which isn't the same thing & robs you of closure
2.) Made you believe that all of their actions were either perfect or totally unquestionable. "Do what I say & not what I do."
3.) And last but not least my absolute trigger, used you as a punching bag, whipping post, or scapegoat that they took out all of their frustrations from the daily drama of their day to day life on rather physically, verbally, or emotionally.
SOMETIMES my BPD mom apologizes (rarely) but it's always paired with an excuse. "Sorry I yelled at you, the oven just broke and I was grouchy" or "Sorry, but you really need to need to stop making me so mad"
@@pantherowl3169 What does BPD stand for???
@@DeeDaKaang1 Borderline Personality Disorder?
@@DeeDaKaang1 Borderline Personality Disorder
@pantherowl3169 yes!!! So you feel that it was your fault, despite the apology. People have run all over me in my lifetime, because its always my fault, even when its not.
I'm sitting here actually writing the eulogy for my mother's funeral, and since her passing I've been trying to process why our relationship was so complicated. This video has helped me so so much. Writing a eulogy, I feel pressure to make our relationship sound perfect, but it wasn't. She wasn't a bad person, and I loved her, but she was not a good mother.
Good luck with everything 😊
@@AprendeInglesConStephen thank you very much!
I’m sorry you had to go through this. I always find it hard to buy cards for my mother for Mother’s Day and birthdays. She was never a “Hallmark” mother and I can’t bring myself to acknowledge her as such. I don’t hate her but I try to keep her at a distance.
It took almost a year to do my mother’s headstone. Ended up with Beloved Mother. She was very much loved. She just didn’t love back very well.
You don't have to make it long. Just talk about the things she loved and what she faced in life.
I’m a 40y old male who is still stuck cohabitating with mother. We are essentially room mates and pay half of the bills, but my mother has never been successful and has never held down a job as long as even I have. The idea that I’m stuck taking care of her really hits home. I have to tip toe around her quirks even now as a grown man. My dating life is dead. My social life is dead. It’s honestly soul crushing to live like this.
when you talk about devaluation and idealization…that really hits home. I can’t explain how confusing it was to be asked “what is wrong with you?” and told, “you’re crazy” and called every name in the book by my mother, and then a few days later she’d tell me with tears in her eyes that I was her baby and she loved me more than anything else in the world, and that nothing else mattered to her. both expressions seemed so genuine, I was never sure if I was loved or hated, and to constantly experience that cycle as a child without any understanding or support for years was so detrimental to my mental health, and truthfully, it still is. thank you for these videos about borderline mothers, cpstd, attachment, etc. I don’t personally know anybody else who shares my experience, and it’s very validating to hear that the emotional trauma this causes is real and that those of us who have experienced it are not as alone as we may feel.
You are not alone! So many, I'm learning, have struggled with this. Keep seeking the appropriate help you need to heal and grow...there is hope!
This is so true. My parents divorced when I was about 7, and since then I have become way closer with my dad. Whenever my mom discovers or hears of how I am becoming closer with him her instantaneous reaction is to flip out and take out her feeling of 'abandonment' on me. I'm only 14 and as i look back and as i see what happens i am slowly starting to realize that i wasn't the issue all along, and It was her battle as someone with BPD that has caused this anger toward me. It is so often that she tells me I am her first born, and that I mean so much to her, only to be targeted in front of my siblings and stepdad for things I haven't done, or when she misreads a situation. Overtime I have realized that It has affected me more than I thought, like when a someone yells at me or is mad at me the entire day, I have cried and I never knew why, and only afterwards I realized that it was because it reminded me of my mom. It is so hard to deal with and it feels like it will never end, but I have my dad for support, and my school psychologist.
Thank you for this, aswell. It is so nice to see that there are more people out there who have struggled with this!
I feel you so much! I've always felt so much hurt and isolated because of her.. idk how I'm ever going to feel any sort of comfort. Take care of yourself 🩶
@@zerothehero9827 Oh you lovely girl, you are so young and able to see and read the situation. You spend a lot of time analysing every move of her. You are so self aware and so smart I just want to hug you ❤️
Learning about BPD helped me find a sense of closure. My whole life was so confusing, and I constantly struggled with questioning if my mother loved me, if I was abused or not, or if there was something wrong with me. BPD was an explanation for these conflicting feelings and experiences.
Yes, it can help explain things that seem inexplicable - sending you support and healing.:)
“Questioning if I was abused or not”. I relate to this hard, even when I get outward perspectives saying my childhood was ghastly.
Raised by the schizophrenic symbolic system. Raised by religions and politic states of subconscious mind. The illusion of duality, the borderline. This superficial (not deep/elevated) line that divides the self in two and then into multiple pieces causing severe schizophrenia.
Freud-Klein explained It. Subject-object, the right/left breasts, the good and the bad, the theos and logos, erotic and thanatic, edipo and elekctra. Everything is about divorces, split self, duality, not integration of their selves and the universe as unique, the one, unity. This process of phenomenic and noumenic, can be resolved with the ego lowing its bareers and being submissive to the expansion of the consciousness as the unity we are. Even females and males, are both males, and fe means Phy, Males and PhiMales, same genetics (X AND Y, DNA/RNA) but different shape and chemical process. Male and phimales only needs to be together to co create a a same specie, gender (human gender/genesis/genrtics) so, it is false we are two, four, ten genders. It is only 1 gender/genetics and 2 perfect shapes, the male and the phi-male. The abnormal results is just inter-sex but not intergender. G
Thank you for articulating this so well!
You nailed it when you said how can a mom be so great and also be so hurtful.
The guilt I feel about going no contact with my mother and grandmother for the last 5 months has been almost crippling!! I have moved on and actually gotten my life together more than I EVER have in 47 years. But she sent me an irrationally angry text yesterday and I feel like I am almost starting over again in my guilt and shame from not responding to it. I finally have enough money to start paying for therapy. I have yearned for therapy ever since I was in high school and am really looking forward to starting it!
I went no contact with my borderline/narcissistic parents about fife years ago. That was the best thing I have done in my life. I got so much better, that I am able to work again and have a partner. Stay strong, do not reconnect and don't feel guilty or ashamed! Not responding to the letter is the right thing to do. This is a good video about staying no contact. It is about narcissism, but there are so many parallels: ua-cam.com/video/ZncETsH7lFA/v-deo.html
No contact and counseling was helped my life become better in so many ways
Best thing I've ever done, no contact at all!!!!!
Just wanna put it out there that the guilt you feel is a mechanism of the abuse you suffered. I cut off my narcissist parents some weeks ago and still feel tremendous guilt and like I'm a bad daughter. You aren't a bad person for cutting toxic people from your life. You're free now. I hope you get better soon. Good luck in therapy! (It really does help)
I cut my mom off 3 months ago, the guilt is the worst. Sometimes I feel crazy, i told myself that for a long time. I thought i was the problem, that everything but her was wrong.
My late mother suffered from BPD. I finally moved away from her at 34. I am currenlty 65 and was diagnosed with C-PTSD by my Psychiatrist.
If you have BPD. Don’t yell at your kids. It’s awful . Do whatever you have to do to stop.
I hesitate to refer to my mom as BPD since she was only ever diagnosed with depression. But looking at her through this lens, my childhood suddenly makes sense
Trust your gut on it. Trust me
That was my experience on listening to this as well... suddenly, every single thing fits. It was certainly not just depression!
find the book "understanding the borderline mother" by christine ann lawson, it opened my eyes to the fact that my mother, never diagnosed with anything, was severely borderline and spent her life trying to ruin mine.
@jude Thanks, that sounds illuminating! And you just described my mother....
There are probably far too many mothers like mine, who resist any kind of diagnosis, and can't be forced. When you are always right, why would you go for diagnosis?
When I first encountered information on BPD, suddenly all the confusing, amorphous, intangibly traumatic, jumbled pieces of my childhood puzzle came together in a picture that made some kind of sense. I’m glad that BPD is being viewed with more compassion now than it was when I first discovered it, over a decade ago.
My wedding is coming up and I made the mistake of letting her pay for the venue. I’m in absolute hell and her abuse is outrageous. I needed this validation. Thank you
That was insulting. Really insulting.
What mother wouldn’t be insulted?
You must’ve known it was gonna cause a boatload of trouble.
Don’t overthink this everybody. It was wrong. Good luck fixing it.
@@dppaulson6146 This was a cruel response and I hope you reflect on it.
@@dppaulson6146 bruh who pissed in your cereal?
I am so sorry. I did the same thing, let her host the entire thing at her home. It was tough.
Oh I so hear you! My wedding was my mother’s big party. It was one day and the marriage was worth the stupid painful wedding!
I think the most relatable bit of all this with my mum is the clinging on during adolescence. I think someone really needed to explain to mum that between about 13 and 18 you’re meant to strategically retreat from your child’s life. It’s not a battle you’re supposed to win. But she didn’t get that, crushed me in a few decisive battles and I just gave up. Got lucky that when I was 20 I pissed her enough to get kicked out and ended up getting to find some independence that way (still, kinda happened on her terms in a strange way that still stunted my development but it was better than turning 40 in her basement. That’s the other thing. We always hear about the generation of useless 40 year olds in mom’s basement; but it’s always the kids fault, no one ever goes “jeez, maybe those parents made a few wrong turns”)
Holy sh** you just described my years of development. Exact same situation - she clung on and tried so hard to control me, despite the fact that I never did drugs or drank, I was never irresponsible with my body, and my friends were relatively good kids who didn't get into trouble. I thought I got kicked out at 19 because one night after we got into a huge violent fight I got home and the door was barricaded. It turned out she did that so that I would have to call her to get into the house (BPD logic - to this day she and I still don't get wtf she was thinking.) She and I have been able to reconcile recently (I'm 31 now), but my 20s were an absolute wreck because I was thrown into a situational independence without the development or skills of knowing how to properly manage my life. I feel for you.
Was your mom always jelaous of your friends or find people of the opposite sex a threat? I'm trying to figure my childhood out, but can't remember most of it, however from 15 to 25 I do remember her being overly protective or kinda possessive, she had no problem with me having female or gay friends but she always scared my male friends off or I ended up hiding or not having male friendships, I feel like if she could I would forever live with her and never go out, she found out I have a boyfriend when I was 26 and stopped talking and looking at me, she would send messages calling me a slut and a disappointment while being very depressed that she lost me and was alone, it's been a year and she talks to me a bit but is very unstable I really want to move out soon but I'm scared because she has threatened with suicide in the past when I mentioned going with a couple of girl friends for a month in a different city
Bloody hell. Truth.
@@lergoth you have the right to live your own life. I myself just explained to my mum you don't have children to keep you company. Everyone has the right to live their own life. Imagine how unfair this is compared to other young people who are supported and encouraged to have happy, fulfilling lives by their parents while your parent is using you for company.
I married (badly) at 20. My sister never moved out. We're both in our 50s, and honestly... there's a reason why we each chose as we did.
Being in my fifties now after decades of therapy I must admit I gave up on healing myself totally. And this is what I blame her for, having broken me beyond repair....
Not a thumbs up to give up, but a thumbs up that you are so very not alone. Years of therapy, especially without an understanding of what was really going on, seems like wasted time, effort, Cash, all of it. There has to be a way.
I feel your pain.
im only 15 but same :/
@@bonemach1ne please read the book the borderline mother by Christine Lawson.. so you can see you Aren’t alone and you can heal. First step is learning you aren’t the problem and it will help you understand why your mother behaves as she does which will help empower you.
please read the book the borderline mother by Christine Lawson.. so you can see you Aren’t alone and you can heal. First step is learning you aren’t the problem and it will help you understand why your mother behaves as she does which will help empower you.
PS: I have to add: she can be very supportive too... and loving. And she has done a lot of good for me. I feel terrible for saying these things about her, the things I wrote in the previous post. But I had to get it out there because I really do feel alone in this. I love my mother so much, - I guess that is why it hurts so much when she behaves the way she does..
I understand. My mother is simultaneously the hero and the villain of my story. I love her more than anything. I wouldn’t want to live without her, but she hurts me harder than anyone ever could.
I deal with the same guilt for “bad mouthing” or saying anything negative because I know how much my mother loves me and she tries her best. This is also part of the disorder and trauma response (in my opinion). I always had and still have a tough time expressing the anger I feel. Just know you are not alone.
"she can be very supportive too... and loving" That's where you are being fooled. That is HER feeling important as the "good mother". Nothing in that is about you. Not a single thing.
Gaslighting, using ignoring as punishment for weeks, pointing out faults, using me as a reflection of her, never knowing her mood.
I am a borderline mother with cptsd. I can relate to a lot of what you have said regarding bpd mothers. I carry a lot of shame and regret regarding bringing up my children. I love them with all my heart and it took a ton of work with trying to heal my inner child and doing shadow work to become self aware enough to see where I went wrong and still going wrong from time to time. The hardest part was recognizing how I have damaged my children emotionally and I don't think I can forgive myself for that. Even though my kids are all grown now I will continue to try and make up to them what they went through with me. I feel so ashamed
How did you fix any of this?
I am in the same situation but my daughter is only 8 and her dad is a narcissist. Trying to heal and raise her seems impossible.
I am a borderline girl with a narcissist mother, a borderline sister and my father was likely borderline as well. I'm not a mother yet, but I wish to raise children one day, and seeing videos about how a borderline mother can affect her children is a huge drive for me to fight against my abusive behaviour before being a negative influence on someone else.
Even so, I want to tell you something. Even if my father had a lot of negative behaviours that inevitably affected me, I don't feel resentful about him but I do about my mother, and the reason why is that in his last years, my father actually made a huge effort to change his patterns, while my mother (which is a psychologist!) didn't.
I cannot talk on your children behalf, as every human being is extremely different. But there are chances you will grow together and heal together, and they will forgive you.
But before doing that, you have to forgive yourself. You didn't know and you didn't ever choose to be borderline, and probably you suffered your own abuses that made you feel like certain behaviours were just normal as a parent. Of course, you have responsibilities as a mother, so once you know your weakness, you need to develop a very powerful awareness and there is no much time for that, if you wish the best development of your children personality.
I perfectly understand and resonate with your feeling of shame, but a thing that is very helpful is to separate shame and guilt. Being shameful leads to an attitude of hiding (even to oneself) things you are ashamed of, while guilt is an acceptance of what you did wrong. The difference is that if a mistake is pointed out, by accepting your guilt you can learn from it and avoid repeating the mistake again and again, and that is the key to growth.
Healing from a personality disorder is a very long, complex and hard process, so I want to tell you: congratulations for accepting you have to heal and for taking action in order to become a better mother and human being. This is something to be proud of, and being healthier will also help you raise your children in a healthier way.
You are a remarkable mother. Please hear this. Your seeking help, working on yourself, is the biggest part of all of this. You have parenthood PLUS trauma… rupture and repair, acknowledge your wrongs and do your best to repair the bridge. You’re not alone. X
". I carry a lot of shame and regret regarding bringing up my children. I love them with all my heart" LIE.
I noticed my true healing started when my mum died 3 years ago. She definitely got worse with age, and the more I worked on myself, she got way worse which was a shock .. I'd been the good child to survive her moods.
Me too. I am the only child left. My 2 sisters are estranged from my mom because they couldn't take it any longer.
I was raised by a sociopath step father and a borderline mother. I was never safe. People don't understand what living in hell looks like. I survived it but I have cptsd and a mother who still does the silent treatment
This was my exact situation too. 😔 Plus add severe alcoholism in both. I also don’t know anyone else with such a chaotic and emotionally abusive childhood.
Same I learnt to shut up about my childhood because on the rare occasions I opened up the people were horrified and I was uncomfortable and felt sorry for them.
For my whole life, my dad was either the sweetest daddy in the world or the meanest, cruelest person I've ever encountered: verbal, emotional, and physically abusive.
Now, I have two children who adore him, but he has not stopped the emotional and verbal abuse towards me.
I didn't know he was BPD until recently because all he ever told us was that he had anxiety.
Your words have helped me so much. I feel validated. I am not crazy, not all the bad things he says I am. He can't love me because he is not capable.
I am finally starting to accept that I don't have the daddy I needed, and limiting the time he spends around my children and myself is the only way I will ever heal.
I am so sorry - protecting ourselves today when we couldn't in childhood is so important to our healing.
The first time someone told me "Why would I ever be mad at you for you being upset?" I realized I probably didn't have a great set-up early in life. When they said that, it was such a relief, I teared up.
I'm still gobsmacked when a friend or colleague has a healthy reaction to my being unhappy about something. I am so accustomed to overreacting, making it about the other person being a victim or horribly offended, etc I didn't even know people could have thoughtful, mature reactions until my late 20s.
@@madeleinegrayson8372 Thank you. This was really helpful to know I'm not alone as I'm still dealing with this in my life, even though I'm on a path to realizing it's not all me. Currently, a friend who is currently stonewalling me for being mildly upset with her (aka texting "I wish we could have talked about this") sends me into a spiral of "I shouldn't have been upset!!"
I remember my earliest question to myself was “why is my mom always angry and sad?” And I felt guilty. I felt responsible..and as I grew, she relied on me more and more as the person she’d come to about personal issues having to do with different partners or work issues. It’s like what I lived for eventually. All this while moving dozens of times and always being the new family in town, always her with a new boyfriend and I felt like my position was taken as the person she’d come to until her and the boyfriend would have drama. I felt like we bonded better when it came to her venting to me. But it’s not normal to be an emotional doormat as a child. I’m also the oldest so I looked after my sister a lot when our mom was “not in the mood”..I couldn’t understand what was going on for half my life until finally I thought it was the drinking? But it kept going from there and realized it was something much much deeper. I’d start seeing how other adults/parents didn’t act like “weird” like her.. now as an adult I’m not sure how to have her understand what I went through..because she will just say she quit drinking years ago and changed her life around but she doesn’t realize that it was mostly her BPD that made my younger sister and I into the people we are today. Anyways I could go on and on but I wont
Hi Paloma,may you heal!
I don't have anyone with bpd in my family.
Your comment catch my attention because we have the same name!
By the way where are you from?
". I felt like we bonded better when it came to her venting to me" That is not BONDING, that is PARENTIFYING which is ABUSE.
@@Thysta truth.
Wow , so much of what you said applies to my childhood with my mother. I also had a you get sister, my mom was a single mother, except there was a lot of physical abuse. But what you said about bonding when she was venting is uncanny for me.
What you described is, a very disgusting term, emotional incest and to be accused of it is so vile that parents would rather deny deny deny than to acknowledge having to have done such a vile thing.
Hi Dr. Sage. Thank you for your focus on the child of the borderline parent. It is a niche subject that I have had a hard time finding information about it. I believe my mother was BPD and much of what you teach here feels familiar: the confusion over my mom's love and rage, the parentification and care taking, disconnecting from my own emotions, wants, and needs, my mom's frequent suicide threats, attempts, and self harm. Maybe most confusing is how quickly the switch flips from devastation or rage, to remorse, and wanting to immediately reconnect. She appears so normal and even warm to other people, and my own sense of loyalty and obligation, together they almost draw a ring of silence around the child. You really do start to think there's something wrong with you, not your mother. There's so much more than can be put into a comment, but thank you. Your explanations have cut through some of the confusion for me and validated a whole range of feelings I have toward myself and my mother.
Wow I feel like you just described my childhood as well. It's nice seeing that I'm not alone but I'm so sorry you had to live with this too. I cried my eyes out watching this video because it was spot on.
Isn't it crazy making when you're a child? I used to spy in the door to see if she turned into her "true self" when I left the room.
Whatever your mom did, it wasn't your fault. It's never the fault of the abused person. Ever.
Spot on.
I’ve been trying to figure this out my whole life. Why is my mom so cold. Maybe this is a reason. I’ve been a parent to her. She doesn’t understand family and that she should want to go out to eat together.. such simple and things. She doesn’t like giving praise. She told me a story which when I was born the nurses took me because it was back in the 80s so I went to the baby nursery. They came back with me because I was crying .. I was hungry. She said feed her then. She didn’t wanna hold me. She stayed for 3 days in the hospital because she didn’t wanna do anything and that was the start of my life. Why she told me this story is even cruel in itself to some degree
Oh my! I was branded a problem child by my mother beginning at age 13. Once I got into college and took a few general psych and sociology courses I realized that me being “bad” or rebellious was actually just me progressing through normal stages of development (nod to Piaget and Erikson).
These videos are so helpful. I’ve known that I grew up in dysfunction for years (I’m in my late 50’s), but these videos help put some definitions around it all, and are VALIDATING!!
Thank you so much ❤
1,000 % - it’s like they don’t understand normal developmentally appropriate behavior. I remember feeling SO validated in my first psychology class. No, I’m not a bad or rebellious person - I was just being a normally developing teenager when I wanted to spend time with my friends instead of my mother
I remember my first semester of Psychology 101 and coming home and it dawning on me why I was being screamed at and I even said "this is misplaced anger, you're not angry on me, you're upset about work". And she punched me and told me no, it really was about me and she hated me.
I was also the family scapegoat. Was also my mom’s FP at times.
Same. My mom would write me letters about what a bad kid I was and how I was ruining her life. I internalized that I was a "bad kid" until I was an adult, and I was asked what I did. When I said "I didn't clean my room sometimes and I didn't do my homework sometimes" they'd look at me confused and go "you mean.. normal kid stuff?"
More info about the letters: it was supposed to be a tool for our arguments, to write out how you feel instead of yelling in the moment. But her letters were always just "you did this and I just don't know what to do anymore" and on and on about how I make her life difficult.
She'd print them out and hand them to me, I crumpled it up and threw it away. She'd take it out of the trash, straighten it out, hand it back to me. So I started ripping them into pieces before the trash. She'd take out the pieces, tape them together, hand me back the letter. So I started burning them. She'd print out a new one and give it to me.
@@tracymw
I am so sorry you had to go through that.
For as long as I can remember, I've always thought something was mentally wrong with my mother. Several years ago NPD was always being thrown around in forums and although she displayed some of those symptoms, it was never quite right. When I learned of BPD -- Bingo! When I heard others describe their mothers I felt as though I could have said/written those very words. I was ignored and unwanted by my mother. I actually think that wasn't too bad since I knew without a doubt where I fit in her life. No back and forth with I love you one moment, I hate you the next, etc. I was lucky in that I was definitely loved by my father and other close relatives. But still it doesn't completely make up for the lack of love from a mother. After all, she was there 24/7 with me when I was just an infant. It pains me to see how babies react to a lack of love (I've seen the videos thrown out there on you tube) and realize that most likely was me. At least when I was in her presence alone. I tried to tell myself it was like being an orphan and there were many kids without a mom. She died several years ago and all I felt was relief. I did not grieve her at all, still haven't. I'm told it will happen one day but all I feel grief for was not having a mother who loved me. But those are the cards I was dealt. At least I've had other love, thankfully. And please accept my apologies for saying this, but when I read comments like the ones here I don't feel so alone. I know there are others that feel much like me, some worse. I just want you to know you're not alone, I feel your pain and pray to the universe that we will all find our contentment in life. I am almost 60 and feel I have found that. I'm sorry for this longwinded comment, Much love to all of you!
I wish people would stop telling others what should or will happen in your life. You might never feel grief. My mother hasn't passed, but I don't believe I will grieve her, ever.
This makes sense to me. When I felt grief after divorce, it wasn't over losing him at all. It was grief over struggling with trust issues and grief over not having a relationship with someone who loved me for me. Grief isn't one size fits all and some relationships were not healthy.
Pray to the universe?
Thank you! As a grown firstborn daughter of a mom with BPD, I feel so understood and validated with this. I am struggling with my parenting tendencies toward my own kids that I didn't understand in myself, but make a lot more sense now. I'm imitating her in my emotional responses, even when I am consciously trying to remain more present and consistent in my love. It is a daily struggle, but I am determined to learn enough to break the cycle. I don't have BPD myself, but I still have so many engrained behaviors that she taught me.
I'm the oldest daughter of a mom with BPD, too. It took until about two years ago (when my oldest was 7) to really settle into parenthood - and I believe the main reason I blossomed as a mom was because we moved out of state from her. That physical separation made a world of difference. All visits had to be planned far in advance and there was a time limit to when the crazy could be a presence in my life. She did not react well, and it was definitely a process for me dealing with her "not being okay" and it being "my fault," but in hindsight, I needed the distance to break the emeshment. I spent a lot of time thinking about all the ways she was dysfunctional and how that transferred to me. It was really hard, but I decided to be GRATEFUL that I was the one to experience all the trash, because I came out the other side and could keep my kids from ever having to deal with what I had to. I visualize my mom as kind of an acid rain and myself as an umbrella. When I catch myself repeating her behaviors, I say out loud, "I am not going to allow my mom to damage my kids through me. I am their protector." And I will stretch my arms out, breathe deeply and visualize myself shielding my kids from what my mom said and did that hurt me. It has revolutionized how I parent, and I am raising healthy and happy humans. It feels so good to know I am breaking the chains of bondage in my family.
@@kae9341 The umbrella is a beautiful analogy! I understand the benefit of physical distance for sure. I am roughly 4000 miles away from my mom now, and I still found it necessary to cut off phone communication with her several years back, after a very rocky visit when my third was born. She does not allow herself to be regularly treated or medicated, and it takes me days to emotionally recover from any direct contact. I sent her a Christmas card, which is my olive branch for this year ;) I am very much in the same mindset of protecting my kids -and honestly my own broken self- from all of that mess.
@@kae9341 I love this.
@@kae9341 I relocated overseas to minimize the contact...Just imagine that!
@@kae9341 What a beautiful comment 😊
I never felt bonded to my mom. She basically didnt pay attention to me after 3 yrs of age. I was on my own alot..left to my own. She would have yelling spurts which drove me crazy and very confused. My Dads Mom lived one street over. I was very close to her. My Mom and Grandma were jeolous of each other. I remember hating school. I fought my mom over my outfit often. By 3rd grade i was chubby and very sad. I was a caregiver..anorexic..angry...no friends...didnt trust women ever...low self esteem...married safe partner...low emotion...control freak about home...no company invited unless house clean..ive had psych rx over the yrs.
Listening about the BPD mothers and Narcissistic mothers I get really angry. I have so much hatred and anger towards my own mother. She was verbally and physically abusive and treated me so poorly-when compared to my siblings she definitely was unfair towards me. I've spend thousands of dollars on therapy and I am constantly working on healing from the abuse in childhood into adulthood, and because she is still alive I have to take a lot of caution when visiting with her. I have to protect myself from the unfair treatment she continues to exercise towards me.
They hate us because they hate themselves and can tell that we are different - kind and gentle despite how horribly we were treated. 💕
This about "creating dependence" hit me hard, my BPD mother always tried to drama-connect her children by brainwash them to never leave her, my sister never developed fully to a independent grown up(according to herself), and neither did I. I also have this exaggerated caretaker mentality towards others that most likely driving them away.
these videos are so validating to my experiences with my mom. It's really lonely being raised by someone like this and Im really grateful for all these videos you share Dr. Kim. Happy New Year!
Thank you - you are not alone💕though I certainly understand the loneliness. Please take very good care and Happy New Year to you as well!🙏🏻🦋
Me too. Very validating and helpful. Thanks you.
Yes, so validating! Glad I'm not alone 💜
Oh, same here! Validation is HUGE! All I do while listening to these videos is nod my head.
I’m watching this because I was recently diagnosed with BPD & I believe it was passed down from my mom. I’m doing all the work and research to make sure that I don’t pass it down to my kids. Thank you for this information!
Something that's not always mentioned in videos about BPD is that out of all the personality disorders, BPD has the best prognosis. My mom and I both have BPD, and therapy has been the best thing for both of us. She actually is not in therapy (which I really hope changes someday), but she's even been able to learn and improve just by emulating my behavior that I've learned. The way I'm living my life now, I could not have imagined having even a piece of it 10 years ago. I also have a niece, and I've noticed that I have been able to curb some impulses of emulating how my mom and dad and older siblings were to me, and instead treat her with kindness and patience and without judgment.
So all of that is to say, doing the research is the first step and it's a huge one, and I wish you all the best in your continued healing. If you can afford therapy, I highly suggest it; but if you can't, I also recommend looking into DBT. It has the highest success rate for people with BPD (and was actually designed by a psychologist who also had BPD!)
Thank you for touching on this. Congratulations to you and your mom. It sounds like you are doing wonderful
I’ve known there was something wrong with my mother since I was a teenager. My mother seemed to get worse with age & couldn’t keep friends, her mother, sisters & brothers cut her out of their lives. Eventually me & my siblings cut her out of our lives too. My Dad was an enabler & so my mother’s take on her sorry life was that she she gave birth to horrible children & that her psych told her we were toxic. I often wondered if she really saw a psych & if she did, why didn’t they diagnose her with a mental illness? I’ve been looking for answers all my life & finally found it 6 months ago after I commented on a psych’s Instagram post. She said it sounds like your mum has BPD. When I researched it - I knew that was it! I needed to know if she had a mental illness because it was the only way I could forgive her destroying our family.
And as a mom with bpd, it’s important for me to be aware of my illness, seek treatment, and help my sons recover from the times it got the best of me❤ I love them so much!
yikes! poor kids...
@@faustopacheco120 nah they’re doing quite well, don’t worry 😉
😢
Yikes. Adoption worked well for me
@@kerrybunnyBS.
The worst to me was the triangulation. Every time I talked with my mom she would want to get me to side with her on any trivial grievances she had with my siblings. Then when she spoke with them, she would do the same thing. Trying to pit us against each other. And the splitting was insane, it takes so little to go from being the good child to “I don’t want to see them anymore”.
My parents always seemed to love to hate each other: my mother has undiagnosed petulant bpd and my late father had something else that I don’t know the name for- but probably something to do with narcissism.
He also drank a lot of beer, and seemed to enjoy hiding the cans- even in his bed- or secretly stacking them from floor to ceiling in an unused room in the basement. The drinking along with his self destructive workaholic ways made him somewhat unpredictable.
The two of them were always fighting, calling each other, and sometimes me and my sister, the worst names you can imagine, while also behaving in a threatening manner to each other and sometimes to us. My mother sometimes sobbed that she would crash the car that she and I was in- because nobody loved her anyway- or grab a knife stating she would go and kill my dad. My sister once had a seizure on the lawn during a fallout with my mother: after she had collapsed on the ground my father just casually stepped over her convulsing body and went inside.
As we grew older my sister and I begged them to divorce, but my father said that he would always choose mom over us, although he seldom showed her anything but contempt, referring to her as a parasite.
My mother on the other hand never missed an opportunity to tell us what a failure my dad was, including in the sexual sense, and that the only reason she didn’t leave him was because she wanted to inherit his money once he was dead.
She did however have a cupboard where she kept some special china that she told us she wouldn’t use before leaving him.
Years later, having moved out, I received angry calls from her wishing me dead and saying that she ruined her looks and life giving me birth. It was also my fault that she didn’t have any more children, as I had seemed opposed to the idea of a sibling when I was still a child myself.
A few moment after I’d hung up on her she would call me again, having no recollection of our previous conversation.
When I brought it up she would mostly just deny it, saying “I would never say that.”
Experiencing these parallel realities felt deeply disturbing to me and made me end up having no contact with my parents until my father became terminally ill.
After he passed I stopped having contact with her altogether, and I haven’t spoken with her for more then ten years.
My sister still takes care of her, which is very stressful for her and makes her have to ventilate- which makes me feel like I can’t really be free of my mother anyway as she is constantly brought up, and her “antics” passed on: how stupid she thought we looked while crying at my father’s deathbed, for instance, or that someone on Facebook prints my profile pictures for her so she can put them on her wall. It’s heartbreaking and makes me feel weak, cold and numb.
It is a weird feeling not loving your mom and also believing that you might be a bad person for not understanding that her behaviour is caused by a disorder and isn’t really personal- but my mother was savagely intelligent and could always find the things that really hurt you and just, as she called it, “crush you” while using her bulky frame to block the doorway, preventing us from leaving the room as she screamed at us without ever tiring.
It was strange growing up with someone that you knew from an early age that you didn’t love. Once, when I was a preteen, she wrapped up the hours of yelling by questioning my sexual orientation in the cruelest way possible, causing me to sucker punch her in the eye- which made her so startled that she fell down the stairs just moments later. I felt a lot of pride for standing up for myself then- but today I’m mostly grateful that she didn’t get hurt from the fall. I’m still proud though, which feels both right and wrong. It was also the exact moment that I realised that I didn’t love her.
I have most of the traits mentioned in the video, and I struggle a lot with the feeling of not being a part of this world.
I often feel alone and empty, constantly judged and rejected by complete strangers.
I’m only attracted to people like me, who also struggle- and we never seem to be able to make our relationships work.
I’m sometimes painfully disgusted by my body and by others peoples bodies.
I got diabetes type one as an adult and is hyper mobile- the latter disadvantage making me feel like I don’t even know how to control my own body.
The worst thing though is feeling like being a child trying to behave as an adult (I’m 40 years old).
The only up side of that is being almost as creative as a child, pursuing many artistic ways of expressing myself- which makes my sometimes lonely life rich and full of color- but these gifts also cause a sense of infighting in my head as it adds hubris to my self loathing.
It’s a very confusing existence…
I will definitely seek out a trauma specialist after having watched this video. Thank you.
Thanks for this comment. Hubris and creativity add a whole different layer. I always have relationship problems and then reach out to my family, which reinforces the behaviors I learned from them, until I finally can abandon them again because their advice is always that I'm right and the others are wrong (ie just an attempt to manipulate me to give them more attention). It's an insane cycle.
Your comment is identical to the the situation in my life. I’m crying right now because I feel everything you have said. I thought I was alone.
Therapy has gone well the past 10 years and I will keep going until the guilt completely subsides. It will never completely go away but nurturing the little girl inside through trauma therapy helps so much. Best wishes for you
Omg my heart feels for you. I know exactly how you felt. The constant abuse is so confusing and tiring
It must be hard. I had similar issues with my mother while all her friends adore her
you just described so much of what i went through
I feel like crying right now because this is the most anyone has understood my situation. For all my life I never questioned whether my situation was normal, and I have just been catching on and realizing that it's not what healthy looks like and everything, including all my own emotions make more sense now. Thank you
As an adult, never saw mother through BPD lens until VERY recently - thank you for showing me the big picture in this video.
My thing is I can always sense when someone is in a bad mood. It’s like a wall that I walk through or something. Anyway, I ALWAYS think it’s something I did. I always thought it was a little narcissistic of me to think that way, like they couldn’t possibly have anything else in their lives to upset them.
As a mother with BPD who gave my baby away at 2 weeks old, I'm watching this to confirm to myself that I made the right choice. I knew I would damage her.
Ouch, this was hard to watch... 😔😔😔 It sounds so much like my mother.. and, - how I "turned out." My mom always says she doesn't understand why I have always chosen to interact with the "wrong" people (in the past as a child and as a young adult, not anymore, at least I try everything that I can to avoid those people..) - or why have anxiety for this and that (it is a tad better now since I have been better at insisting that a big part of the reason why I do not function as "most people," (aka normal, I guess...) is because of my anxiety. I have been told by her that I was avoidant as a newborn, I did not want any normal contact.. and my whole childhood was like one big anxiety blob, with some good times thrown in. To put it that way...
I have been sick a lot and I have immune disorders today, - as well as getting sick (without doctors finding anything at all) throwing up for hours on end. That happens about once a month, sometimes twice for longer periods of time. And then I will be fine for maybe five, to six months before it all starts over again... (the throwing up has been something that I have struggled with for about ten years now...
I have vivid memories of my mother being very very harsh and saying things that I do not think a mother should say. Things I cannot write here. However, she denies it ever happened, and at one point that had me really confused and sad. And I still sometimes think that I am just misremembering things... I have been in abusive relationships and my mother could not for the sake of god understand how I would get myself into these relationships in the first place.. and stay in them for years.
- Same with friendships. I have had friendships where I would think that the "friend" is a straight-up sociopath (in hindsight) - and luckily for me, I have managed to get out of those unhealthy relationships.
My mom and dad were really, really fighting with me in the room, some years ago. I was terrified. They both wanted me to choose a side and they were not very nice to each other. I was so, so sad. My dad passed away some years ago and I have no siblings - and a very small family overall. I do speak with a therapist (not these days, because of the big C.)
I suffer from depression and anxiety and I have to work extremely hard a lot of the time, just to stay afloat. It is exhausting and although I do have good friends today and my relationship with my mom is okay (I love her so much, and it hurts that she can sometimes act in ways that really, really hurts me) I really wish that there is something that can be done in order for our relationship to become better.
I had and still have major problems standing up for myself. Which made me prey to bullies and led to years and years of bullying in school. My mother does not understand why I am so horrible at standing up for myself, - yet usually, I am the first one to stand up for others, as I have done in the past and still do.
She doesn't like (?) seeing me cry at certain times (as an adult I have two very distinct memories of me crying (one time because of anxiety and one time because of pure sadness over a personal situation that we both "were in" so to speak) and when I cried because of anxiety (it was in public) she would look at me and say with a very authoritarian voice: get a grip!!! Stop it! Get a grip and stop it! I wanted her so bad to be "a mother" showing me some... I don't know? Softness? Motherly softness? Instead, I felt humiliated and stupid and very sad and hurt, since other people saw how she treated me. The other time she did not want me to cry out of sadness over a situation where many people would have cried. She just told me to stop it. Stop it, stop it stop it. I tried to stop crying, I really did. And I think I managed to stop crying... at that time it was only me and her and one other person in the room. She did not want the other person to pick up on my sadness, I guess. j
I am 'one of those highly sensitive people or empaths as some like to call them. I am very sensitive to loud sounds, smell, and so on. I also struggle so, so much with conflicts. I have been and still am avoiding conflicts. To me, conflicts are "dangerous." I handle them so badly, I only cry, I can't get out the "right words" I tend to run away from it or just completely do every in my power to avoid them in the first place. This puts me in a situation where people know this (some, not all of course) and takes advantage of my fear of conflicts.
Anyways, I am sorry for writing so much... I just had to get it out. I have no idea if you or any of your YT followers will see and read it (if you got to the end, thank you, I guess..) I feel a bit lost and I would love it if anyone here has similar experiences as me with their relationship with their mother.. maybe it will help me not feeling so alone in this... 😥😥😥
Thank you for sharing, I am so sorry for all the years of anxiety and illness and pain and struggle. These are truly such complicated relationships and you are not alone - there are so many others who have shared similar stories and I think millions more who just don't know about it all...Please take good care - though I can't give advice - I would say that I have been seeing patients only online (autoimmune and high risk in my family) and online therapy can be pretty amazing:). You are worthy of true healing, you are...
You are not alone... There is hope... Love and prayers dear sister ❤️
You are not alone 🌞
I have had a very similar experience to you... You are not alone, I hear you and I validate your experience. You are strong, loving, and you are worthy of having your OWN life. What you feel is valid and you can heal. The journey is up and down, but overall if you choose the journey it is so freeing to your soul! I started my journey about 3 years ago, and I want to share some resources that really helped me to heal...
Books:
*Understanding the Borderline Mother
*Stop Walking on Eggshells
Therapy:
*Brad Shore videos on UA-cam on Emotional Incest (overlaps with borderline issues)
*Lewis Howes podcast titled School of Greatness (specifically his interviews with those who study the brain and trauma).
Also, it is different for everyone, but going no contact with my mother saved my own life. I used to have a deep rage and horrible anxiety when she was in my life. Now I feel as cool as a cucumber - except for the few times triggers come up.
I wish you the absolute best in your healing journey and commend you for taking the first step, and that is recognition. I want to give you hope that with knowledge and work, things will get better with time.
Wishing you all the love and peace!!!
In all fairness to my mother, from what I heard of her childhood, it was a nightmare. With that said, she had no business raising children. She had BPD and messed up every one of her children. Then, later in life -- knowing that she was a mess -- she refused to get the help she needed. She decided to keep "crashing" into others and gaslighting until she died. That, above all else, aggravates me the most. She was capable of great love and great harm and did both -- as well as to her husband, our father.
You just discribed my life...and I though I was the only one experiencing this. Thank you for sharing.
You touched on why we choose emotionally unavailable partners. I’d never really thought of it that way. I’d like a video specifically addressing that topic and had to heal it.
Yup. First time around I married my mother. They feel comfortable and they are.
I know two “adult children” of a borderline. It seems they are clueless as to her mental state. They do get abused and get pushed away and get silent treatment from her…I once told them their mother has BPD (I am her ex partner) and they acted like they didn’t care or didn’t want to know. They claim…” that’s just how she is” and shower her with gifts on Valentine’s Day and when there are disagreements they just say “ah….she’ll come around, that’s just what she does” it’s like they totally accept her as she is and I have to wonder if they have any childhood wounding from having a BPD mother. They seem so normal and mature. They are in their early twenties. It’s baffling to me!
That's me, Dr. Sage. Child of a by-the-book borderline mother. It took me 30 years to overcome it. Thank you for the scientifically informed video.
I am in tears. I've watched so many videos about BPD Mother Daughter relationships and until I watched your series, I never found any that accurately detailed and thoughtfully explained the complexity of this relationship. Thank you for putting these out into the world for daughters like me to see 🌏💜
My therapist sent me this video to watch. I feel lightheaded, nauseous, and my stomach is in a knot listening to this. I have never felt validated for everything I went through growing up and could never comprehend how such an AMAZING, loving, supportive mother could hate me with every fiber of her being and bully me the way she did. I always thought it was me. Thank you so much for these videos. Definitely didn’t expect UA-cam to change my life one day, but here we are lol.
As a survivor of a BPD mother, and being 54 before I had the strength to stop all contact, I think she should have never had me. I only thank god I was an only child and she wasn’t inflicted on other kids.
Thank you for this video. My mother used to have very bad anger outbursts when i was a little child. She would scream at my dad and sister for hours, so much so that i always stayed in the same room because i was scared she would hurt them if i‘d leave. As i got older those extreme episodes stopped but i still struggled from a lot of mental health issues (dissociation, anxiety, cptsd, etc.). For a long time i felt guilty that i still felt so resentful towards my mother because a lot of the time she could be very nice or sweet and she always victimized herself. I never really understood our dynamic until i went to therapy a year ago. When my therapist suggested my mother has narcissistic traits, it made a lot of sense and i first thought she was a covert narcissist, but it still felt like something was missing. Eventually my sister and i figured out she most likely has bpd and for the first time i felt like the fog that has been corrupting my brain my whole life was lifting. I moved out a few months after i started therapy and i haven’t spoken to my mother in over 6 months. I still struggle with a lot of things that you mentioned in this video but for the first time i actually feel like my life is my own and i can make something out of it.
I've just heard that a film will be released soon called Mother's Day by Travis Carlson about his mother's BPD symptoms.
It’s the worst. Society still thinks women can do no wrong.
Mothers could never.
But this happens a lot. Sadly.
I wish everyone out there that had to suffer trough it, lots of strength and the knowledge that you can get trough it.
Thank you for the video. I could relate to much of this. I was raised like this and realized I must be raising my daughter like this. She is 15 now. I showed her the video. We had a long discussion. I decided, and she agreed, to go to therapy. I love her so much; I don’t want to send her into the world without all the necessary tools in your toolbox, sort of speak. Thank you for the video. It helped me realize I was lacking necessary tools for her to be whole. Hopeful therapy for the both of us will equip her to have a happier adulthood.
Goodon you!! Must be super hard to realise this. Much love
I wish my mother did this when I was 15 or so... She says she doesn't feel the need to go into herself, 'she knows everything by watching other people' ...Running fom herself her entire life. I am 35 now and just diagnosed. I still grieve for those years and life I'll never have because of her.
I believe I might have BPD and I am here to learn as a mum how to do better. I believe I am a good mum in some ways (I always praise my kids and try to encourage them and teach them) but my own personal chaos makes it so difficult sometimes to offer them healthy structures. I do not want to pass on the trauma so I am trying to learn as much as possible (while I wait for my therapy to start, as there's a waiting period for that where I live). Thank you for your videos.
I found Thais Gibson’s channel super helpful as well x
You are a rockstar! Your self-awareness and commitment to growth is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! I wish my mom had done this work for herself.On behalf of your kids, I’m grateful to you for everything you are doing right now!
Listen to the “Borderline to Beautiful” podcast.
I think I have BPD too. My dad def did.
I am in the same situation but i am now in therapy.
My mom was diagnosed with BPD when I was 16. I was already aware the disorder, and knew she likely had it, so this was no shock. She promptly went to her computer to look into it, and surprising no one, decided she didn’t have it, and would not be returning to her therapist.
I finally had enough of her abuse when I was 22, and decided to leave her behind me. My most recent therapist refused to accept what I had to say about her because, “It couldn’t have been THAT bad”.
No ma’am, this awful person tried to make me believe I killed my grandma, and often told me that she wished she’d aborted me. She told me repeatedly how I ruined her life, and would often put me down, and make me feel miserable. I called to talk to her about being SA’d, and she hung up on me. I promise you, it was truly that bad. Stop invalidating your clients who come to you for help.
(My former therapist, for clarification)
Funny, my mother had same behaviour.
A recent example of my 80-something bpd mother: she is telling me how 'bad' I am and I'm asking why?, what have I done? she stutters and then admits she doesn't know - but I'm bad anyway! She's regularly splitting several times a week with me. I'm living back home due to my severe physical health problems. I cannot afford to spend much time with her because she acerbates my chronic pain and worsens my mental health. But, I do love her! Knowing she has bpd - it definitely is that, so much makes more sense now, so yes, I do appreciate the 'label'.
Thanks Dr Sage xo
I hope things are better for you now.
I HATE my mother - she is 84 and I am ready to walk away from her. She doesn't rage anymore, but the damage is done. I only feel good when I don't have any contact with her. Having her even on the edge of my life feels like a prison sentence - like I am never going to be free
I was abused severely by my mom but she also told me she wanted to be my best friend and read to me and acted nice but not always. She could go from happy to sad in a minute. She always accused my dad of spending too much time with his own kids and was jealous how close he was to us. Once my dad passed away from a sudden illness she chose me out of all my siblings to focus her anger on. I was never good enough for her. I started hiding my feelings behind food and quickly became overweight. She called me cow,horse,fat and gave me depression. I eventually lost all the weight and she compared me to her teenage self and how skinny she used to be. My grandmother was my angel and protected me. My mom has past trauma of her own mothers abandonment because my grandmother chose to go to medical school when her kids were older and they were all so neglected because their mom was off on 12-24 hour rotations and taking classes etc. this video validates my whole childhood. Today I am a new mom and vow to give my daughter adequate food and love but also space and never hurt her physically and be the best mother ever!! My mom is visiting and causing issues. Please pray she leaves soon!!
I cut ties with my mother at 15 as her negative infuence on me was affecting my confidence. Always blaming me for things i hadnt done, saying i was the cause of her being in the state she was, blamed everyone else for her failings. Im 44 now, havent spoken to her since then. Im very mono on my emotions now, aloof and dont get close to others.
This is me. As the older of 2 kids and only girl, I definitely got the brunt of things. My mom has even said that from the time I was born, she saw me more like her equal and my brother more as a child. Wtf?! She doesn’t see why that’s a problem.
I’m very much a caregiver and struggle with who I am/my value outside of caring for others. I’m horrible at standing up and advocating for myself but I’m soooo good at doing that for others
the #1 issue is the repetitive nature of things. always trying to be supportive about the wants/needs of a BPD person as a child but not having the hindsight to realize this person isn't a victim, but outwardly blaming everything and everyone because of the BPD. The story is convincing at the time (to the child) but the adult/parent isn't able to cope or take action to help themselves, so any relationship issue they have or self-esteem hurdle becomes a story about why they can't act. They are a continual victim (they're scared, hurt, abandoned). There is always another reason even if you help them solve the one they said was the issue. Its a neverending problem. There is nothing that makes them feel whole. So hard to deal with as a child, makes way more sense now that I can see it for what it is. I was the therapist, the relationship counselor, the problem solver from 6 yrs old on. But parent is the child of a narcissist who was abusive, I have the utmost sympathy for that...problem is a lot of those behaviors are getting mimicked by all the children of that mother. Trauma train.
I wonder if like me your mother told you from a young age about some of the abuse they suffered at the hands of their narcissist parent and how they would NEVER do anything to hurt you like that?
That was basically my mums mission in life, to raise kids better than her own mum had. And the kids themselves weren’t actually the focus of that
Yeees. Continual victimhood. Mentality that everyone is out to get her-connecting far fetched things and assuming the worst frequently. Having to grow up too young has so many effects on my life and it’s hard to forgive someone who will never admit they have gravely hurt me for the last 20 years.
I felt more validated when my therapist suggested I create more space from her. It was a big relief.
I stopped the entire cycle, I just refused to have any children. My mother was diagnosed BPD when I was a child. She tried s and then said, "It is all your fault I did this."
I left home at 15, I have been through hades with not only her but the trauma I experienced due to familial issues of control and manipulation.
I love kids but feared that with my family tree of mental health issues that I could not foist that situation on to my own children if I had given birth.
Instead now I am "auntie" to some great young people ages 2 year - 35.
All of this was like a huge, "ah ha moment." Thank you.
Oh my word. You described my childhood exactly. Low self esteem and never good enough. Walking on egg shells my entire life.
FINALLY. An explanation for the life I lived. I thought it was narcissism. I thought it was gaslighting. But THIS is exactly what I experienced. THANK YOU! Incredible.
If only I could send this video to my mother, have her care enough to watch it so she could get an inkling what it's like to be her child, and have some understanding and ability to talk and move toward each other.. but that's a fantasy that will never happen. I'm 63 and its been almost 3 years since I saw and spoke to my mother.. the relief of Not having to interact with her, is far greater than the guilt at this point. I refuse to feel guilty for taking care of Myself ever again, how it looks to anyone else, I don't care anymore.
That's definitely a struggle. And I suppose it lets us know we aren't devoid of empathy like they are. ❤
Thank you so much to everyone who left a comment contributing to the conversation. I see you and it helped me feel seen in return. Wishing everyone peace and relief. Ugh… 💐💛
My grandson is being raised by his BPD mother (my son has passed) and I worry all the time.
After 3 years obsessively watching videos on PD's and looking for answers, I finally had my break through right here that my mom wasn't only a vulnerable Narcissist but also Borderline even more so. Thank you so much for validating my experience.
You are so welcome and exactly the reason I care so much about this topic - I think your experience is more common than we realize, and while the labels don't matter - I truly believe it helps us make sense of our stories, childhood and parents...You deserve validation and healing.:)
same...my narc dad and narc golden child bro are her pitbulls so she doesnt ever have to look at it and never will ...i do not feel safe around her and cant trust her but she is an "angel" to those who she never targets
I believe my mom is the same. As a child I always felt like the parent with her. My poor dad was never good enough for her.
I am a bpd mother. I have regrets of how I raised my 3 daughters the oldest was the caregiver and I became the child. She is 20 years now and moved out. I finally came to my senses of understanding my problem. After I got so tired of myself I finally decided to diagnose the problem. So I did research and learned I had 9 traits of bpd. So I set a path of healing. Understanding my self. It's called self knowledge but with God on my side. I learned to forgive and forgive myself. I even learned to finally love with a much more healthy way my kids. My kids saw my change my progress and accepted me once again. I ask forgiveness for raising them the way I did. I took countability for my actions. My kids are kids still and they feel safe and love. They constantly come to me with advice they are always kissing me or hugging me. It was hard in the past we even had this thing called the 5 second rule to hug. That's how much I was damage because the way I was raised. I don't blame my parents I bet they were damaged by their parents. I'm happy me and my kids learned to stop this. My oldest wants to move back. We only see each other ever 3 weeks. During the time we spend together I love her and listen to her needs I also give her advice. I now can feel their love when they kiss or hug me and they can feel mine too. I'm planning to get therapy for each of them just so they can be better moms than me. I can't leave out that this was God's help. Prayer and faith can also open doors to motivational change. It is very important to love yourself regardless if no one loves you.
you are rare, typically the borderline does not become the "paying customer" for any sort of therapist or even a minister or admit to needing to change the family system. yes, "love is the answer" as the Beatles used to say.
That moved me to tears. I wish my mother could have had the gift of self reflection. She died in 2018, as well as my alcoholic father. I am an only child, over 40 years of age now. Miss them terribly. Still feel like a child in many ways. Still feel so sad and alone. Feels like my life is in shards, and I don't know how to regain the strength and the will to pick them up and start anew. I have many issues and so far I did not become a mother myself although I want to because I don't want to be such a mother and at the moment I don't know how to feel healthy and sane and believe in my own ability. I was and still am very talented. I am afraid to not be able anymore to live my dreams and just become old and sick from the pain I still feel. I am glad you could become a better mom for your children and ask them for forgiveness while they are still young and in your care. Thank you for your story.
@amarartemis it is not too late I am 43 I'm sorry for what you went through but you have to start your journey of healing. You are young still don't think you are not capable of change and a new life. Wish you the best and that you find peace in your heart
@@alicevill2259 Thank you.
As a person who grew up with a mother diagnosed ( later in life ) with bpd, bipolarism and narcissism I feel finally heard through this video. I have always felt the need to ' save her' somehow, witnessing her struggles, her ED, bottling it all up, trying to be perfect and as much invisibile as possible in my needs, just for her unattainable needs to be fulfilled through my own sacrifice. I'm 31 years old now, it's been a few years since I've started to document myself into these disorders to finally make sense out of what I've been through and decide to treat myself with more compassion, letting go of the sense of responsibility and the extreme need for perfectionism that were poisoning my life. I still love her, but I have to face how I couldn't have been capable of saving her, no matter my efforts.
Its amazing to not feel alone...to hate and love someone so much at the same time.
To have your own mother tell you she loves you, your wonderful, hug and kiss you, then tell you you will never be nothing, to call you every name in the book, turn the house against you, blame every mistake on your existence alone...
Its confusing as hell. You feel worthless and guilty for feeling upset about feeling worthless...
I agree that it really is important to know that your parent might have had this. I thought my mom was a narcissist for a really long time but there was a lot it didn’t explain. Now, I’m fairly certain, she had BPD. It has explained SO much and has helped me understand her more which, in turn, has helped me understand myself and my triggers more! I have seemingly avoided developing the disorder but I have had some traits that I’ve worked really hard to get under control and actually just “graduated” from therapy last week 🙌🏻
Congratulations 👏🏼 very happy for you!
It is so helpful especially with the autoimmune disease part. Fits with my own experience being a child of a borderline mom.
Undiagnosed bpd parents make so much damage that only when they die you can start to clean the mess they leave and being able to master the inevitable sense of guilt
My Mom has BPD. I grew up living in sheer terror from her. I finally had to stop communicating with her as an adult because of how abusive she is. She rages, hits, choked, threw things at me, constantly told me I ruined her life, told me she hates me, I would never amount to anything, that I would never go to heaven, so many different abuse tactics. She refuses to get help. She also sexually abused me growing up as well as allowed men to abuse me sexually so they would pay her for SA me. It took me years to figure out it is not my responsibility to get her help and so forth. I held everything inside for years yet realized I needed help learning how to cope with the abuse and affects the abuse has had on me. Thank you for your video’s.
The older I get the less sympathy and more hate I have for my mother. I wish I had vids like these in my 20s instead of my 40s. So much heartache could have been avoided
I feel the same way. Having my daughters has been an eye-opening experience for me. I look at how small and vulnerable they are, and it's so much more painful when memories come back up. I finally can see how bad things were then and how awful the things she did and said to me were.
As a child experienced the love-hate cycle constantly. (Still happens.) I used to call it the “drunk I love you’s.” I didn’t understand it then. Really scary. Still scary, and mom is in her 80s.
the romans said "in vino veritas" in wine is truth, I am sure the parent with borderline does WANT to love the child, or the adult-child, they do not really have many skills to. This board says we are not alone. My mother lived to 102, she finally connected to me and other a bit. She had fans and was admired by those that did not really know her as she was very beautiful to look at, but as my dad would say "hard to love, sometimes'. I have none of those moods I am kind and smart and pretty but she had the fans! ironic.
My ex-wife and mother of our 4 young children was diognosed BPD post separation. It affected me so much that I am now a 1st year psych student at 46 years of age. I separated from her 2 years ago, the children never really bonded with her (Good love bad love/splitting and rage). It's not an easy thing to manage. You shouldn't tolerate the abuse, but demanding that they validate your feelings anly makes you, and them worse. We haven't seen or heard from her in 18 months. I decided the children and I must come first.
Thanks for your insight, I have no ill feelings toward her and encourage the children to feel the same. I have educated them and had them understand it's not something we can control. I have an 11 year old daughter that struggles as a result of the lack of emotional availability from her mum. I hope she is able to move past it.
Wishing you good luck with your studies :) 📚
I really appreciate this video, Dr. Kim. I have been so invested in researching NPD because of the woman who gave birth to me (really helps those of us who are surviving or have survived NPD abuse and resulting c-PTSD to take away their title. I love this, and it has helped.)
I appreciate the perspective on BPD and what that is and how children who come from a parent who has this are affected. Thank you! This is fascinating.
I think I am realising I have been stuck in teenage mode, never having been able to rebel the way I needed when I was in my actual teens. I am also now receiving the education I should have received waaaaaay back, many years ago.
What I will say is that my life experience has been a catalyst or fuel for the fire if you will for becoming a therapist. I am finally in school and about to graduate. This feels amazing, empowering and unlike anything I have experienced.
Sadly, I am living in her basement, but this means she has to watch me achieve my goals and finally leave her. For **good**. Double entendre intended.
My mother is one of those... . Remarkable how spot on these videos are. Thank you. It’s so much work for me.
My mother has BPD and my sister has NPD, they bullied me my whole life. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse (gaslighting) and physical abuse. I'm 25 and trying to escape so i can never see them again.
Hate them so much.
Came to this video because my family started a "movie club" where they get on google meet and discuss. Now my BPD mother has an excuse to contact me and its all Im hearing about now. What I absolutely cannot comprehend is that she refuses to accept that I despise her. If I have to be in her presence it is for 10-15 minutes max and then I am out. But because she has no one left in her life because of her BPD, she thinks Im going to be this loving caregiver in her old age because we live in the same town. I have no choice now but to go grey rock because I am not in a position to up and move to another town. But I will be damned if I am going to spend time with her doing the "We're a happy family!" routine....
I’d liken my childhood to feeling like I was never on solid ground, never supported or really truly loved and that’s hard to face and not think somehow I did something to deserve it.
Thank you, Kim, for this channel. I first realized I hadn't healed about two years ago. I had been struggling and I heard a psychologist on UA-cam say "Trauma lives in your body" and I just started sobbing. I was already starting to process my childhood, but I had a long way to go (and still do). I knew in that moment that the stress I was feeling was largely from the ongoing emotional abuse from my mother that was still happening. Anyway, this channel is helpful. It's comforting and also heartbreaking to read the other comments. I just want to hug every single person who is going through pain because of a parent. My faith in Jesus is the biggest tool in my healing process.
Omg are you serious about the connection between mothers who are BPD and NPD and children having autoimmune issues??? I’ve always said that my Rheumatoid Arthritis was my body eating itself alive over the stress of decades with my mother. And today I’m hearing you say this? Where were you 30 years ago? I need a life do-over.
It's never too late. You can be free of that now. ❤
My mother is so nice at times, other times she abused me as a child emotionally and mentally. She would call me horrendous names, accused me of sleeping with her boyfriends, and even once accused me of sleeping with her husband. I never had a relationship with my biological dad, and my stepfather was the only person who showed me kindness as a father figure… My mother shows me kindness occasionally but also loves to make me suffer. She has pulled a kn*fe on me once as a teen and even tried to sm*ther me with a pillow when she abused me so badly I couldn’t stop crying… Now as a 30 year old - for some reason I invited her to my wedding and she initially agreed then later responded that I am toxic and she won’t be around me, so she is not coming. I wish I could just break away from her forever.
I rarely comment on videos, but feel compelled to on this. This hits closer to home than anything I have ever explored on UA-cam while seeking answers to my own trauma. Thank you for uploading-this is so important and relatable.
Watching this so I can understand what my daughter has gone through and know what to expect as she enters her adult years…. I’m already in tears before even getting through the introduction. I did my best while raising her but I know it was never enough.
For my mom, I just think that she did the best she could with the tools she had. That’s all you can do. As your daughter gets older, just keep your heart open and your memories honest. Much love to you
@@ShannOliver thank you for that. I’m blessed to have found DBT by the time she was 14. It has helped so much. I just hope that I wasn’t too late. If only DBT was more accessible. I didn’t even know it existed and no one else in my world did either. No therapists even mentioned it to me. I found Dr. Marsha Linehan in my desperate google searches. That day changed my life for the better.
You look so much like Jessica Lange 😊
😅 where?
She looks more like Jennifer Coolidge
What?????
How do people not see it? Lol
Yes she does!! I had to do a double take
My entire life in a nutshell with my "mother"
It’s a shame there’s no way to screen people early on for these personality disorders... before they hurt, harm & destroy their children’s lives. Both my mom & dad... along with my dad’s 2nd & 3rd wives are/were messed up. The damage they caused to me, my stepbrother and 2 half sisters has been life altering. One of us attempted to take her life and almost succeeded.
My stepbrother & I are terribly wounded and struggle with having healthy romantic/marital relationships... both of us divorced. The youngest half sister is a full on narcissist like her mother. She & her mother are vicious to me when there are no witnesses. My mother & the other stepmother are/were hateful & mean too. I am the family scapegoat (both sides) and I’m so sick of dealing with these miserable people. They should never have had children. They have caused so much hurt & harm.
Ok so I was already having a tough time watching this because things were deeply hitting me... But then you mentioned that C-ptsd sufferers commonly have autoimmune disorders and chronic health issues... Now I'm sitting here feeling completely hollow and mind-blown with my c-ptsd and rheumatoid arthritis which I got diagnosed with at only 19 years old... I... Don't even know how to process this connection😅😅😅
I am sorry - I know it's so much. I just hope it validates your struggles, and trauma, no matter what kind, lives in our bodies, as much as our hearts. I made a video on the massive research about this - it's not the most entertaining - but it might validate more. Also, the book "The Body Keeps the Score" is incredible on this topic and more...💕🙏🏻
@@DrKimSage thanks so much for your response. It was definitely a lot to take in and left me in tears because I know it's all true. It is very helpful to know that all of these bad things in my mind and body make sense and I think it's important for me to accept all of these truths in order to heal and hopefully I'll find it easier to focus on the good things in the future. I'll have to check the other videos too
I have c-ptsd too and people always thought I was lying about how often i have colds. I also have really bad bunions that first showed up when I was 11. Finally getting surgery at the end of april after over a decade of chronic pain.
Man this really was made for me. I'm diagnosed with ptsd, diagnosed ocd, and now I have hashimoto's disease. I've decided to go no contact with my family of origin.
At 68 years old in the last five or so years I have learned why I had been the way I was for so many years. My mom is definitely BPD, controlling, cannot show unconditional love, and quite judgmental even at 90. So glad through soul-searching, therapy, and getting my master’s in counseling that I learned this. She treated dad so poorly even as he was dying. I don’t believe I will ever forgive her for the things she did to me as a child, teen, and young adult. I have my voice now and don’t hesitate to call her out on things she denies she did.
The things that really struck me in early adulthood, as I pulled away as rapidly as possible from two pathologically immature psychological terrorists, were the extreme rigidity and complete inability to relate cause and effect. The response to my creating distance because the relentless bullying and abuse was to ramp up the bullying and abuse, apparently expecting a different outcome.
When I say abuse, this included storming around dictating, demanding, character assassination, declaring what others are thinking, raging meltdowns for differences in preferrences like food and music, screaming verbal assaults, physical violence, threats of killing by gutting or cutting the throat (towards a child), all while constantly howling at maximum volume about being the victim of everything and everyone.