How To Recognize an Avoidant Person
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- Опубліковано 29 жов 2019
- In this video, Coach Craig and Coach Margaret discuss what an avoidant attachment style looks like and some of the common behaviors when in a relationship.
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Hey coach. Can u talk about how avoidants deal with break ups and if they ever come back?
Eliza Bentley I want to the same thing that you have been through and it’s all in the past I feel like I have become an expert on this topic if you ever want to talk
Hi Craig and Margaret, thank you for all of the content you provide - truly helpful. I was hoping you could make a video on how the different attachment styles deal with being the ones to break up. Happy Halloween!
@@soulfulspec they do come back-i was with an avoidant who after every time we got close-and it was intense-he would run-but always came back-I was the fool who always took him back though-they feel comfortable with people who they cant lose themselves with-If they feel thier walls comming down-they dissapear and surpress and build walls up again-its self protection-
Red flag: a partner that jumps in too quickly and too enthusiastically. Prepare for the let down
Hana Rachel happened with me
I apologize for how long this is, but damn did your comment really strike a nerve with me because for the two girls I've ever actually dated this was the case 100% both times and damn did those relationships end up blowing up in my face. Definitely a huge red flag. I just got broken up with and so I wrote this whole thing out just to clear the thoughts out of my head. Sorry.
My ex-girlfriend dumped me on March 8th, so just a bit over a month ago. She definitely did this and she is an avoidant for sure. I am an anxious-preoccupied type (working on being more secure though with therapy that's going well :) ) and so I put her on this pedestal thinking "You'd be a damned fool for not letting someone like this be in your life. Look how great they are! You don't deserve them." I didn't set boundaries for myself or stand up for myself, and so after only knowing each other for about 3 weeks and going on 2, maybe 3 dates, I found myself in my room about to have sex with her and I only stopped because I didn't think I'd be able to perform well that night if you know what I mean. I was too nervous and my stomach was cramping. I also didn't want to start a relationship off of sex but it was too late.
Whether we had sex that night or not, we almost did and that's basically equivalent to starting a relationship off sex because there was no going back from that. I didn't want this at all because that is such a loose foundation for a relationship but I felt like I was forced to ask her to be my girlfriend then because what else was I to do? I felt like I was backed up and cornered into a wall by my insecurities and was forced by her hand to ask her to be my girlfriend. I just wanted to take things slow and get to know her and establish a sense of healthy communication and trust, but that process was rushed and frankly, never developed as a result of that process being rushed as well as my insecurities preventing me from communicating my own wants/needs/desires to her. We're both first year grad students in the same department which really worried me that if this doesn't last what the outcome will be like. Well, I'm living it now. It fucking sucks.
Coming in to grad school, I knew that my cohort would be small and so it would be very wise to not date anybody in my cohort, but then this girl came into my life and my insecurities and desire for a relationship got the best of me. The last time I tried dating someone was my sophomore year of college but that wasn't even a real relationship because she, just like the other two girls I've been with before, was a dismissive avoidant. The only girl I actually have ever called my girlfriend was my junior year of HS and that ended in me being cheated on and the same is true for the girl I met my freshman year of college as well as sophomore year though these weren't true relationships so idk. We mutually agreed to exclusivity but they didn't want labels (which now, I understand to be commitment). But it's been about 5 years since that relationship and I thought I should try dating again and so when she came into my life back in August during the first week of classes I felt like I couldn't say no. It's honestly shocking how many parallels there are between her and my HS girlfriend. I wasn't cheated on this time, no, but that lack of trust and communication as well as other things definitely plagued this relationship too. With hindsight, it definitely affected my ability to have sex with her sometimes because I was filled with self-doubt and was self-conscious of my body because my anxieties got the better of me and this was in part fueled by my lack of trust in her. Like my other prior attempts at a relationship, she was passive aggressive (though claims not to be), definitely fault-finds and can be very petty, thinks herself better than others or more capable, isn't comfortable with intimacy (not sex here, just being vulnerable is what I mean. Anytime I was upset she was extremely uncomfortable and distant, which only furthered my desire to not speak up for myself or address things with her because I didn't trust her.
I lost myself in her. I forgot what made me valuable as a human being and what is cool and great about me. There are things about her I do admire, but frankly, compared to the things about her I don't, they are far outnumbered. I'm working on myself and I know she's not. I'm in therapy (which started before the breakup mind you, 10 days before it happened actually), I'm spending more time on school stuff (definitely was a point of contention in our relationship), learning to self-soothe, doing some journaling, learning magic tricks (something I did as a kid), and I'm spending more time playing my guitar and investing in my musical side (this was definitely neglected in our relationship). She didn't value this aspect about me or care about it or support it at all. I've been playing guitar for 18 years and am professionally trained in classical guitar! She never cared or seemed interested in any of my hobbies. I'm not saying she had to take part in them herself or even do them or care deeply about them, but just ask stuff like, "hey, how's that song coming" or "tell me a bit about that piece you're working on," or "that sounds nice, keep it up!" Stuff like that you know? A sense of support. I never felt supported by her.
Our relationship was only about 5 and a half months long but it was pretty intense. Most of the time in our relationship I felt like I was holding on to the outside of a fast moving/high speed bullet train as it was racing down some railway/track. Because of my lack of dating and sexual experiences (only had sex 6 times ever before her, twice w/HS girlfriend, 4 times with sophomore year college chick) I just let her control things and so she had all the power and set the pace. And yeah, at first those first few months were **electric** because of the puppy love phase. But once that ended is when problems slowly started to arise from her inability to communicate effectively (way worse than me) as well as my anxious tendencies causing me to be overly clingy, needy, etc (definitely came out in relying on her too much for homework help as she already has a master's in our field). We were inseparable and by each other's side all the time. People definitely took notice. She started to feel suffocated and I didn't know it until I started an argument because I was wanting to know why she was acting so distant (after I had just gotten over a super bad case of Mono in february--literally had to spend some time in the ER because my spleen was going to rupture and so I missed two weeks of classes). Ugh.
It sucks because I do miss her and part of me still wants her back, but I know that might not be the best idea or thing for me to do, especially right now since I'm not over the breakup and the breakup is still a bit fresh in my mind. I want to show her how much I've changed and what is different about me and what I know is wrong and what I've done to fix and work on myself, but I doubt that will work. I've been in no contact for about 2 weeks now and it's been nice. I do think we could work, we went to a single couple's therapy session the Thursday before she broke up with me and we mutually agreed to schedule another one, but then she dumped me on Sunday and it seemed like that was a plan she had set in stone for a while because her parents were coming that weekend. She told me in our breakup conversation that at the start of February she was giving me a month and if things didn't change she'd break up with me. She didn't tell me any of this of course or communicate her needs so how was I supposed to know? Anytime there was an issue in our relationship that I was doing and made aware of and that I could fix, I did and I enacted the change or made amends immediately, and there are multiple instances of that big and small. She doesn't respond to criticism well at all though, and even if it's not criticism, as long as she can possibly interpret something as perceived criticism, she gets super defensive and walls go up immediately and doesn't want to listen and feels personally attacked. So because of this I never felt like I could bring up things that I wanted her to do differently in our relationship. I really put up with a lot of her bullshit and was always super patient with her and understanding, as I know I am a very patient and understanding person, and she's not, and that really bothered me at times.
I apologize for writing such a long reply to your comment, but this has honestly been a bit therapeutic for me and helpful.
Damn..
ooooff preach it
@@mattRRgraham1996 your ex-girlfriend sounds like my wife whom I thought we were going to be together for a while and then I seen these traits come out in her it's been a living hell and we had a child and it looks like I'm going to be paying child support for a long time my device to you since you're unattached keep moving forward stop pining on this kind of person I will not love you the right way you deserve somebody better I'm sure to me dismissive avoidant almost reminds me of a narcissistic person very cold blooded I feel your pain good luck
I’m an avoidant. I have to constantly work on myself. I didn’t even know I was an avoidant until I found Craig’s channel. At least I can understand why I am the way I am.
have u ever fallen so deep and then just couldnt do it anymore and pulled away?
Aaron it's a good thing to recognize it, well done :)
Kudos to you, Aaron. I wish you the best in your transformation!
The part about the anxious person not speaking up about their needs and the avoidant feeling like they can get away with certain behaviours really hit home for. I'm an anxious person and my ex could not understand why I felt the way I did. I however could not communicate in the right way and had serious anxiety in the last 5 months. Been watching your videos tirelessly and I cannot thank you enough for all that I've learnt. We have been separated for 2 months and I no longer wish for him to come back, instead I am working on making myself the source of my own happiness and worth :) your knowledge on breakups and relationships is undeniably brilliant! I cannot thank you enough
I'm currently dating an avoidant. I've thought (mistakenly) that since I've learned so much about attachment styles I could find a way to make it work, but it's not going to. He's a lot of fun to be around, but that's about as far as it goes. I feel bad for him because I don't think he'll ever find a truly deep and lasting love in his lifetime.
I could have written the same thing. These people don't know love.
Breaks my heart! 💔
I often thing if I had known about attachment styles before we broke up when we were dating I could’ve worked around it but frankly as time goes on I realize probably not
I wonder if they still have a hope, i hope they do
I can totally relate. I had to let my avoidant lady friend go. No more settling for me. Too old for that!
My ex is an avoidant ! I wish I knew sooner now I know it explains everything. I’m glad he’s out of my life I can now feel closeness and love from a someone who has true feelings
My ex always said "it shouldn't be this hard" but he never did anything to build closeness. He also had the phantom ex and thought when he met the one he'd want to do all the things I longed for. I felt incredibly unworthy. I was not ever afraid to confront but never walk away either.
Same exact thing here too! So frustrating...we do all the work and they just find criticism for everything.
Michelle I want to hug you. I am in this same mindset. Absolute agreement. Did NOTHING to build closeness. And just like an avoidant doesn’t even know it.
It’s incredibly hard. But this video has put pieces to the puzzle I could never figure out. I’m anxious and all I did was blame myself. She never blamed me for anything but just about every point they made about an avoidant in this video, was exactly what my ex did. It breaks my heart. I’m working hard to become more secure. I hope she is working on herself too. So that if there’s a chance she takes a second look, I’ll be ready. It not. I’ll be okay.
@@SR0490 in my experience they do look back but be sure your ready and by ready I mean, be so aware of yourself (wants, desires, what emotions you feel, embrace you). Once I found my confidence and learned to really understand myself, EVERYTHING TURN OUT. I struggled 40 years and now I finally feel happy and free. I felt that before I found my person and that was how I knew it was my person and if it turns out they aren't, I'll still be 100% okay! Believe in yourself and do your best to live without expectations from anyone other than yourself. Wishing you happiness and abundance!
@@michellepalmer42 I appreciate this very much. I think after this break-up with my avoidant ex, I have realized I have quite a bit of work to do also. So I agree, I have to be ready. Either way that it goes, I do hope she does come back around. If not, I hope to be in a place soon where I will be okay without because at that point I would have worked so hard.
Earliest signs before you get emotionally attached... They brag about their accomplishments, might throw in some "warnings" about their past behavior such as bad stories that are funny and sarcastic but clearly inappropriate (so later they can say "I never hid who I am"). They ask generic questions about you but nothing very deep or friendly ie "tell me about your family", and pause a lot then bring the conversation back to themselves (poor listening but good memory for detail), interrupt you often and abruptly. They never ask "how are you" and really mean it (they only engage if you have a good response to "how are you", if you express you're not doing well they ignore you -- you quickly learn never to deliver unpleasant news). On the flip side, if you get a promotion or deliver too good of news, they ignore you -- maybe say "congratulations" then drop the subject, likely pull back for a few days. They will ignore you on your birthday or holidays that focus on you specifically. They're slightly competitive with communication about career or education (gearing up a future excuse that your job is getting in the way of the relationship). They'll make blanket statements about their morals "I can't stand infidelity", or put down other people of their same gender, some ques of jealousy (this might give you the idea that they are serious about you in a passive aggressive way). Highly sexual early on, giving you the impression you're in a commitment but they never say you're exclusive (then later say "I never agreed to a commitment", "I'm keeping my options open"). A lot of behavioral intermittent reinforcement as they're pulling away (attention as a reward for your agreeable behavior, ignoring you for things they don't like -- which you pick up subconsciously through anxiety or racing thoughts). Early in the dating phase they will show up on time, they stay in constant communication, then one day they stand you up, it becomes a pattern, they don't show up for planned dates, they stop returning texts that involve direct questions (for example, will only respond to texts they find of interest). Finally one day they will disappear for weeks and reappear, this cycle goes on as long as you allow it, as long as you try to get back to when "things were good." These disappearances causes a lot of arguments, they blame the other person for their disappearances due to fighting. No disagreement ever gets finalized, it just picks up where you left off the last time they ghosted you.
Yup, I've had two of those. Great assessment!!
Thank you for this! This is him to a T.
This is not avoidance, you described a user.
You nailed it absolutely.
So true brother..You truly took the bull by it's horn..Yeah it was really a torture and a world of endless confusion and bafflement being with them.. Early stages of relationship they will chase you like it's overwhelming but when things start to manifest and move closer they abruptly pull away out of the blue due to which arguments happen and then they justify arguments as the reason for pulling away while it's just the aftermath . When you need them the most emotionally that is the time they will leave you and will go like nothing matters to them and they will not care even if you're in extreme plight..
I dated an avoidant not too long ago... and I’m pretty sure I have a secure attachment style and still drove me nuts, so frustrating :/
Mihail Martinich
Me too. It’s crazy making. I was always pretty secure before.
Same here bro
An avoidant hardly ever dates another avoidant 🤷♀️🤣
Their can't be enough friction you see🙄
That's why I say avoidants are pure bastards..They need and want Love more than the anxious one but they keep it hidden to hv an upper hand in the relationship dynamic! Because they always say to the anxious.. I don't want your love..🙄Keep space.. Then why don't these motherfuckers simply date another avoidant🤣🤷♀️there will be ample of space🤣🤷♀️ given and the other avoidant will obviously not give a fuckk ever anyway so they won't hv to say I don't want your love.. 🤷♀️🤣🙄Filthy coward motherfuckers👊🏻🤬🤬🤬
Wow, just learned I’m an avoidant. My husband is too. He is deployed and after one month he “broke up with me” while we were happy and is pretending like we aren’t married. It turns out it’s because he’s dating a co-worker of his. I’m the beginning I broke the rules and talked to him a few times. After finding out about the other woman I called him out, he lied, and I didn’t respond. He’s been texting me random things once a week ever since I stopped talking to him (No contact). During this time I have been working on myself and I have learned that I don’t need to stay with “my ex” anyway. Lost half a person to became whole myself. I am so thankful for these videos, they have helped me so much!
This video has brought me so much relief. I left a 3-year relationship a few months ago and it's clear to me now that he showed all signs of being avoidant and there was nothing I could do to get the love and respect I deserved. I have attracted several avoidant men over the years but I'm so thankful that I can recognize the signs now and choose partners more wisely. Thank you so much for this video.
Excellent vid! Man o man, avoidants are a pain in the ass. You are correct, I stayed calm, patient, etc & it’s just a one way street. They are emotional immature & clueless, but its not really their fault. That whole childhood thing plays a substantial role. It comes down to picking the right partner - look for early signs and then run if you see them.
So insightful... I have just left my extremely avoidant partner. Block on intimacy, no real kissing yet really affectionate and wanting to be with me (cuddles, meals, gifts, trips to his home etc.) And would not understand when I expressed my needs. He would spend a lot of alone time...and be totally surprised when I expressed how hurt I was that he spent for ex. 1 month at his home saying "but I told you?". I recommended he get help but he will not go there. No deep conversations nor confrontations either. Avoids all that. Lovely person otherwise, loyal as a dog, a lot of kisses and cuddles (no sex) and would escape in his video gaming world. He has a lot of childhood trauma all deeply engrained but had put coping mechanisms in place and will not seek therapy, not sure he sees there is a problem (other that every woman leaving at some point). I am not his therapist and life is too short for me to stay in an unfulfilling relationship even if I know he is a good person. I only have love for his soul to grow and evolve but I have to move on to be happy. He is trying to come back with messages as if everything is ok, but I am staying firm and listening to my higher self and my deep needs for connection and love (with some me time too^^). Sending love to all avoidants💝
You could be describing my ex
Great video.. realizing my last two exes were this way.
Watch for the signs early on. Save yourself the time.. people don’t change that quickly. Don’t date their potential.
YES, couldn’t agree more. Don’t date potential.
Coach Craig and Coach Margaret are the best EVER!! Everything that they talked about is the proverbial hammer hitting the nail directly on the head. I am a secure attachment. I've dealt with a Dismissive Avoidant. It is not fun when they do not reciprocate any love, yet, we were together for over a year. It is an extremely odd reaction, if you ask them a question relating to a relationship issue and they actually become aloof, zoned out, or simply avoid the issue without speaking. They will make you feel like a convenience, or an option, but never a priority in their lives. It is kind of like they want you in their house, just not in the same room. I got tired of this push/pull type of relationship and left. It becomes too much work to maintain a one-sided relationship, in addition to the self-sabotaging they do. I'd rather find somebody who knows how to reciprocate love.
I argee completely, I have been in the same situation with a D Avoidant for 3 months there were red flags but on the whole he's been covert just showing a nice caring exterior. They invalidate you but shutting down emotionally as if we're the problem. I'd rather be single than be in this dynamic.
Spot on! I’m just finally getting over a tough break up with an avoidant realizing I just met a very different type of human being. It’s sad really. Very little reciprocity.
It’s crazy..... my ex totally fits 90% of these criteria.
Except the phantom ex... I guess that will be me in the future. :-)
I’ve been an anxious person, dating an avoidant...
Shocking, isn’t it? Well, no.... typical!
Ever since my breakup (he endet it in January) I’ve been religiously watching your videos, Craig.
At first, I thought to myself “what’s that supposed to help... watching some videos on UA-cam”.
Yet, I was sooo wrong... feeling changes in myself daily.
Thanks for making my life better, Coaches!
My life made a 180 turn.
From anxious, to happy and at peace!
Guys, keep going.... it’s so worth it!
My gf ghosted me for a month right after a great trip to Niagra Falls. I mirrored her actions and didn't chase. She came back and then we had the "come to jesus talk" I had her bags packed and she found them. Think it put things in perspective to her that I will leave her if it comes to it. So far things have improved. BUT I find myself being mistrustful, which I have to work on as secure/anxious person.
That's what was so frustrating, she seemed to be secure or even anxious in the beginning of the relationship. Then the true colors came out 5 months later.
The red flags I missed were how she treated other people (parents ect) and the big one, I saw what happened in her last relationship lol
MixDatSalt able to share more
Oh my God! I just realized that my ex was avoidant.Now everything has fallen into place. Thank you very much for this video.I need to start studying som different psychology behaviour so I can protect myself next time.
Since i was with a woman who was a clearly avoidant person i have a hard time trying again with anyone else.. the fears are still there
Thats how I feel right now.
I wish I’d learned about attachment styles before I broke it off with my avoidant ex of only 3 months. But their behaviour made me so anxious and stressed, and felt trust had gone after they lied and hid things from me. When I broke it off we’d only seen each other twice in 8 weeks. Was a shame, I think we suited each other (attachment aside), I really liked her 😮💨 don’t think she and her new bf will end any time soon though. Would love to try again and be more understanding and less anxious/needy. But she accused me of moving too fast. Yet she love bombed me, even said she’d come live with me for 12 weeks when I considered renting (after only 3 dates!)
That's my ex, was with her for nearly 3 years , she done all the projecting , flirting just played up, I didnt want to leave, but I had to for my own Mana (Self worth ) but happy I have learned this great information, it's very empowering, kinda of feel sorry for her..
Thank you for this video:) I had asked about this issue in another one. I love your channel; always insightful and helpful.
Craig and Margaret you are a perfect team! My friend and co-worker watch you daily. We both are going thru similar situations. We are a perfect team in keeping each other in check and talking things out! She loves Margaret and thinks she is precious.
Thank you for these videos. It’s really helping me cope with my break up and understand it and why things happened . My ex was avoidant.
WOW...fantastic video coaches...one of the best I've heard on the Avoidant...very helpful to me in understanding my ex...thank you so much!!!
Had this exact scenario happen, dated her for about a month, we were going great at first, and then when we started to get closer she started essentially going days without texting me and was suddenly too busy to see me for several weeks, before eventually breaking us up. I relate to this because I was super confused as to why things changed so suddenly.
Any update?
This was so me and in some way after this, the workbooks and growing I'm starting to see the light, I'm in Australia now and I'm taking a lokal out on a date this week ♥️ I'm happy 3000
Spot on!! You always make great videos. Thank you both, Coach Craig and Margaret. ~Tammi
Wow, this one nailed it. I'm the anxious type and my ex the avoidant type.
Unbelievable, everything is clear now. You guys are outstanding from all other coaches here.
Thank you so much. It takes a lot for me to comment here, so I guess there are 10x more people who thinks and feeling the same.
Frank Schneider
When someone wants to be with you will always be there for you!! You don't need to go after anyone or ask for attention. Someone who loves you will always show you how much he or she cares ♡
Erika K That’s not always the case. It should be that way but it isn’t.
Did you watch the video?
@@Gapeaches77able If you are an avoidant you self protect-some have been abused sexually as a child also-its not something they are aware of-they have a defense mechanism-its true-I know it sounds outlandish and we can not graps that but it happens-they scare themselves-they can not sustain-they are not capable of giving thier emotions-they try-and they want to be close-but after it gets too intense they need to pull away for fear of getting hurt-too much of a risk
@eye behiding my statement doesnt imply that the video is abt avoidants so I am sticking to the subject at hand why they do what they do-however I am fuly aware every type has had deep seeded issues-or we would all be sure-and thats not the case-but this video is about the avoidant at hand
@eye behidingoh I know that but i am speaking about avodiants since that is what they video's content is about-
My ex is the greatest avoidant out there!!!! I know her since We were kids, I know her entire history with her parents and she even told me I'm the only person she trust. 8 years of relationship, a total roller coaster!! I know and understand when she needs space... she will say "I'm going to watch the sunrise..." I would say "do you want me to go with you" she will reply "NO, this is my thing... not yours... I want to go alone" I let her and have breakfast ready for us when she was back. I didn't know anything about attachment styles until I came across this channel, I always thought "she's like that" "her mom is like that" "She's moody today" and things like that, but knowing now the real reason makes me feel better that I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship (like she made me believe). She started to push me away after We bought the house of our dreams and everything "was awesome" she started to blame me for things that I didn't even know I had... "you are too feminine" "I don't like your lashes" "when did you loose weight?" things that didn't bother her at all before and I told her she had an alcohol problem (she likes to drink after work). She left me for a more masculine woman that lives at least 900 miles from us and now is planning to move to that State. I think I might be her Phantom X since she was the one to propose, said I love you the 1st time, was there for me when I needed her, said that no one understands her like I do, called me "Mrs Perfect", traveled miles to take care of me after my surgery, and even wrote me a book... who knows, she was very loving when she wanted to (of course) but I wasn't the anxious, clingy, needy person, until the end that I saw that this time she was pulling away for good. I always gave her the space she needed until she made her decision. I'm always thinking that she will come back but at this point after a lot of therapy, Skype with Coach CK, doing the work books (which I highly recommend) and getting more knowledge, I don't think I want her back, event thought she is the love of my life.
I’m separated ( as of January 1, 2019 )from my husband who seems to qualify for the avoidant title. Makes me sad to hear this because he definitely has so much pain. Yes I have been working on me. Thank you for the video.
Great video Craig and Margaret you should do some on fearful avoidant and anxious avoidant also I feel these would tie in as well 👏🏼👍🏼
Oh my god ! Thank you for this video 💜 It’s hellping me so much. God bless you both 🙏🏻
THIS video really sums it up for me ‼️
🙏thank you so much. I’m in awe of how well Margaret’s and your scenarios accurately describe my last relationship. Was fantastic & fun, yet painful & confusing. Its so much clearer now. I think we’re both avoidants, but I’m anxious, as well. He broke up with me, 6 months ago when we were having fun, completely unexpectedly ‼️. Picked fights‼️. Went from hot to cold really fast. So much makes sense , NOW. Thank you, again for all your solid advice🙏
If you are avoidant and anxious, first of all, kudos to you for recognizing that. Second of all, that is the fourth attachment style, sometimes referred to as anxious avoidant, also called fearful avoidant. Basically you switch back-and-forth to some extent between the anxious and the avoidant.
Fantastic work coaches and very timely.
You two are so very special, a duo God hand selected. Thank you for all you do 💕
Its not accident that avoidants date anxious people. They take the courting phase slow. This allows them to see if the person chasing is anxious. If they are, they know they have control.
How to hook up with an avoidant person? You don’t 👍 jmo This is a great channel
This video is so clutch, my ex is an Avoidant and a lot of what you guys mentioned, she was doing. I've started NC with the plan to strengthen my personal growth & also hope she'll come back around with her own personal growth and we can try again
In the same boat! On the road to being secure , healthy & happy. I do hope she will take a second look at giving us a chance...before it’s too late.
@@SR0490 best wishes with your journey!
Ooh I never had to deal with the flirtatious behavior but my partners “trauma” stems a lot from his dad cheating on his mom and destroying the family which really changed and upset his preteen years. He is very much serious and committed and wouldn’t tolerate any kind of provoking of insecurity on either end. It goes both ways too. If I ever intentionally tried to trigger jealousy in him, he would become resentful to me but he also has never made feel like he sees anyone but me
Nail on the head as usual. Coach Craig, you & I discussed my situation. My ex was great, affectionate, caring, loving (even wrote a letter expressing her feelings), told me she loved me & 1 year later things started to unravel! She started pushing me away & we broke up three times in the second year. What’s the record by the way...lol! Thanks for your passion & insight! It’s second to none! 🐐
I have similar situation. Could i ask u more questions?
@@cedricchan4224 Hi Cedric! Sorry for the delay. Sure, happy to help. Whats your question?
How do you break up three times in one year? My ex broke up with me and we still are in no contact after half a year.
@@ioeuropaganymedkallisto7204 Yeah, its hard to believe. She was still married, but the husband moved out of the house 8 months to a year later. Having to start to share custody of her kids really destroyed her. She didn't work so thats all she really knew and was her purpose. She couldn't manage a relationship at the same time - apparently. She was still holding to the idea of her family and her 18 year marriage (i.e. she is 45 now). She broke up with me Jan '19, back together March '19, dumped me May '19 after to going to Paris with her 2 girls and husband - obviously she cheated), back together Aug '19 and dumped me Oct '19. Real shit sandwich. She told me she didn't want a relationship with anyone. Well like many of our friends on this page, I found out 7 or so months later that she was in a relationship and things were getting serious.
Update?
Coach Craig, my know ex husband of 28year divorced me and moved to Hawaii. We had a lot going on, not saying he loved me, leaving the house without say goodbye being self sufficient. I didn’t feel like he needed me or appreciated me, but still I feel I love him and miss him so much. Am I wasting my time by doing no contact? This message opened my eyes, thank you!
Instead of leaving when things are good, they also just shy away at the first sign of any conflict, that’s just irresponsible in a family setting
Hi Craig and Margaret, thank you for both of the content you provide; What to do when the partner starting to show all the behaviors you mentioned in this video. My partner is extremely avoidant?
sounds like my recent ex. this describes her to the core. and margaret explained how i felt in one sentence.
Hey guys. Love your videos. Thanks you for all your good work to help inform people about these dark and less obvious patterns.
OK, so this is the 2nd of your videos I've watched on this topic, and to me it sounds the same for Overt/covert Narcissists... but you never mention the difference. So, the problem I'm feeling as a result is - do I hold out some hope for this person, or do I let go entirely? How do I recognize the difference between a Narcissist, and a less problematic Avoidant ??
I KNOW a narcissist: Will NEVER change, Has black or white all or nothing binary thinking, Does only shallow cognitive empathy, Never apologizes with real meaning, Gaslights, Love bombs, Is Control centric, and does the whole Abusive cycle - Idealise > Devalue > Discard > Hoover - AND for me... walking away is the ONLY path forward. _BUT_ if a person is 'merely' Avoidant and NOT hard-line narcissistic , then, it would appear, there is a possibility things could work out. Do I keep a candle burning??
I suspect narcissistic traits are grounded in Avoidant attachment, is that correct? Is there even such a thing as an "Anxious" but "not Avoidant" narcissist, or do Narc traits NEED Avoidant Attachment in order to exist? Lots of questions here for you. I hope you get around to offering some answers. Thanks again.
Hi Margaret and Craig . Amazing work you have been doing ! As a avoidant I just wanted to point out one important thing. Why no one speak anxious attachment using sex to draw in avoidant fast. It happened to me over and over again when anxious woman starts conversation of getting sexual fast even I haven’t thought about it yet. After sex as a avoidant I pull away because I haven’t invested anything emotionally. For all anxious attachment persons especially woman . Keep your pants and legs closed until avoidant has invested at least something emotionally that bond two of you besides sex!!!
No one is forcing you to have sex - take some responsibility for yourself
I'm so greatfull for you videos, especially these about attachment styles are so helpfull to me. I do see my ex as mostly avoidant even though after 45 years without having much intimacy before he met me, he ended liking this a lot. Maybe should have been a more clear sign to me how he felt about me.
Wow I can't believe how brilliant are both of you very elegant conversation with beautiful not loud voices really wow,
I’m so perplexed right now. It kinda hit home with everything you described but with myself! The difference is I have not been like that with everyone especially not my ex! I didn’t think I was avoiding people I thought I just wasn’t into those particular people. Is an avoidant always avoiding or can they not be that way in some relationships?
Thank You for this video Craig! I have become more convinced recently that my ex was an avoidant, and this video described her to a "T". (Fearful avoidant I believe). No doubts in my mind anymore. She has given me over a dozen excuses for the break up and not getting back together since then. Been almost a year and a half now. I have no success story yet but have learned so much from you and Margaret and the workbooks. I'll be better equipped in the future. Could you possibly do a video on Fearful avoidant vs Dismissive avoidant, traits and behavior. Thank You again!
My ex broke up with me when I really needed him. When I finally confronted him about it, is when he stonewalled me for 2 days, having me wondering what he was thinking and leaving me an anxious mess. Not fair and incredibly painful.
Brilliant video thank you ❤️🙏Prayers for Margaret.
Very good video. thank you so much!
Yes - three steps infront always and leaves me trailing to keep up .
Yes - leaves a place ahead of me only to start car and start moving it .
Yes - never says anything emotional
Yes - no PDA , hand hold or just touch unless in bedroom
Yes - never straight answers - contorted answers.
Yes - walking on egg shells as to bring up something as mentioned above - only evokes agitated and angry state - so reluctantly don’t say or confront.
After 18 months - it appears -is emotional avoidant as to show strong signs of intermittent explosive disorder.
And yes never sees he has a problem-
How is it that Avoidants get into a relationship? My logic is they would keep dating you, intensely in the beginning then gradually pulling away, becoming avoidant, and never bring up the topic of exclusivity/commitment until you do, and then they bolt out the door from fear of too much closeness, and the impact of 'the talk', losing their freedom, the risk of hurt etc. Perhaps many of them that do get into relationships have more tolerance and can commit to a person. The avoidants I've dated have told me a couple months in that they've had therapy in the past to overcome their attachment issues, that they would eventually hurt me. So they were mindful of the impact they would have had upon myself, and so perhaps some avoidants are aware that they wont be able to fufil another person's needs but want that person to be committed to them nonetheless, maybe out of fear of loneliness. Interesting stuff!
I think it's important to encourage people to figure out their attachment style, know and understand their triggers and to talk openly about it with their partners so their partners know too - they should know each other's attachment style and triggers. Then, the two can come up with ways to avoid triggering each other, but if they still do (and they will because we're all human) they can come up with tools, skills, rituals to navigate those times. Otherwise, it just sounds like you're telling everyone - whatever you do, don't get involved with an avoidant - which isn't fair to avoidants. They want and need relationships too, they just get uncomfortable with too much closeness at times. There are ways to accommodate their needs too, so it's a win win. But both partners need to be very self aware and open to actively talking about it and working on it.
I recommend a book called 'Wired for Love' by Stan Tatkin - I have found it very informative and helpful.
jilly jill I feel the problem with is is that avoidants don’t see the need to change. Their partner experiencing an emotion will cause them to have to empathize and therefore feel emotions too and they don’t want that! If someone has had a successful attempt of the above with a self proclaimed avoidant I’d love to hear about it
@@gitchygitchyyaya exactly win win?..yea ok more like a lose lose situation for most it's hard to win with an avoidant not impossible but they almost never come out of there ways until they hit a rock bottom and actually want to do the work
OMG I'm an avoidant. Didn't know I was so toxic 😫
100% mine and my exs relationship. Shes the avoidant and I was secure turnt anxious, I still think about her but realize it probably wont ever change.
avoidants create anxiety in otherwise happy and healthy people. avoid the avoidant.
@@Volound Yeah, just funny to me how she knows so much about how she is in relationships but doesn''t work on it, and unlike most avoidants she did trust me enough to open up and cry to me. Accepting reality is just hard you know.
That was my exact question.. I feel like I am mostly secure but for some reason my ex brought out anxiety in me I didn’t know I had
Volound is this true? I’m confused i wonder am i secure or turned anxious after being with an avoidant for 3 years. Now i’m scarred and have alot of fears and doubts in dating and relationships
alc just like me too. It left a whole truck of doubts and questions in my head. I wonder what i did wrong.... and i trace back all these years of where i did wrong situations. It’s draining
God I needed to see this today.
Same
Same
Likewise
Yup 👍🏻
Graig, i just read a lot of comments to your other videos with requests to you on how to re-attract avoidant ex-partner. Hope to find some information here.
For me as an avoidant/anxious person it would depend on what happened. It really is a case by case thing. For example, if someone was pushy with me and I felt that they were trying to control me. NOPE. NEVER. I would NOT go back. Another one is if they could not be there for me, make the time me, that one takes me more time to be done with but NOPE. But each person is going to have their own deal breakers and triggers. I have come to believe the phrase, "When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them". It saves a lot of heartache down the road.
You guys Work great together
this video is speaking to me in volumes.. over and over.. My avoidant x did all of these things and absolutely left when things were so seemingly good.. as I was flying high in the honeymoon phase.. she even joked about knocking me off of the moon.. Yes we were flying to the moon and it was all too much for her.. I'm a pilot goddamn it lol.. space cadet stimpy here
I'm the avoidant, she's on to someone else who's been convicted to jail now of horrible crimes but she's completely committed. One of the things she told me was that things with him are effortless and he's shown her more love in two months than my two years. I still love her but am trying to move on. She tells me she's with him now until one of them dies. What do I do? Do I keep moving on and never looking back or just another round of no contact?
when I read attached I cried for 2 hours straight. Being an avoidant is awful.
Peter Orosz oh man, I cried this weekend when I learned how an avoidant is formed - my copy of Attached is arriving tomorrow. Bring on the tissues
It’s sad! It takes a lot of work, it is possible to do the work as an avoidant. I’m anxious. But I know it can be done. You have to really want it.
avoidants suck just stop wasting peoples time. Good luck. Don't date.
This Is my ex to a tee. He's married with in a short time after breaking up with me after we were together off and on for 10yrs. I'm heartbroken 💔
An avoidant hardly ever dates another avoidant 🤷♀️🤣
Their can't be enough friction you see🙄
That's why I say avoidants are pure bastards..They need and want Love more than the anxious one but they keep it hidden to hv an upper hand in the relationship dynamic! Because they always say to the anxious.. I don't want your love..🙄Keep space.. Then why don't these motherfuckers simply date another avoidant🤣🤷♀️there will be ample of space🤣🤷♀️ given and the other avoidant will obviously not give a fuckk ever anyway so they won't hv to say I don't want your love.. 🤷♀️🤣🙄Filthy coward motherfuckers👊🏻🤬🤬🤬
I just walked away from my partner who I am certain is avoidant. I am 56. I have overcome drug addiction, career loss and change, loss of family......nothing has crushed me as much as the last 7 months with this person.
yeah, we got close and he bolted, giving lots of b.s. excuses. prior our closeness, he was in hot pursuit. The other ex always walked 5 steps ahead of me.
I noticed that too... Funny part I just walk even slower and lose myself in the crowd... You're not with me, right?
Craig! Can a person ever be half secure / half avoidant. This is my ex to a T but at beginning and for 8 months he was ALL IN. When I was all in (decided ok I’ll commit) he was never the same. Plz do a video on if it can shift to DA?
The walking a few strides ahead drove me insane with my sort of ex DA. I would point it out and he would stop for a bit but then he would do it again. Sometimes stopping to “wait for me” kinda annoyed. He was taller than me but come on.
I came to a difficult realization. After watching dating/relationship videos for 4 months during no contact, I understood my issues during the relationship. It was only until now that i decided to learn more about attachment styles that I realized I am the avoidant one. Many of those qualities were those that I exhibited during the relationship. Now I feel like I have to rethink my whole approach to my ex. What do we do if WE are the avoidant ones?
Reach out and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Share your feelings. If you want to still be with your ex say so. Say that you love he/him. And work on yourself to become secure or somthing close to that...
PUT IN THAT WORK. To be aware of the behaviors that you do, allow yourself to love and accept love, be vulnerable, share your feelings, express your needs, understand your partners needs. It takes work.
Suggestion for a Video...
My ex is dating someone who is very similar to me as far as hobbies and interests. And she has even gone far as to call him the same pet names as me when we dated which was 5 years... And she's known this person not even two months... Was I essentially replaced by a better clone? Cause the similarities that I and the new guy have are uncanny...
Thank you
The guy I was involved with told me that I would never have what he and his ex had. The ex committed suicide in 2019, after a year of being separated. The break up was caused by the ex having an affair. Is it possible the ex was so emotionally damaged from not receiving what he needed from the avoidant, that he went outside of the relationship?
This is so true!! All this just happened to me. Never again. I am secure, BTW!
Wish I knew this a long time ago.
What's the difference between avoidance and narcissist?
I consciously try to make sure I walk with people now instead of walking ahead of them
Been in no contact and ex reached out asking how I am and then ends up telling me that she’s more unhappy than before, depressed, hates her life, nothing in her life has changed and has no friends. How do you go about this in next move? Keep no contact? Or
Never avoid a women contacting you..it shows weakness or 100%no interest. Set a date to meet and talk in person if you wish to get back with her
Wish I knew this prior to what happened 😢
Is thee such by thing as an anxious avoidant person? Someone who displays both traits??
What if the child wasn't reprimanded by the parents for being dependent but rather that the child was alone a lot due to one parent being dead while the other was always busy from work and life? Does that still cause avoidant attachments?
So very true....
Please do a video on how to recognize comitmentphobs??
Hana Rachel that’s what this is!
Can we be a mix of avoidant and anxious?
I believe thats fearful avoidant
Coach. How far out are you booked. I am ready to book a session and need one by next week. In a confusing stage in my situation. My ex and I are in contact after 4 month and I don’t know where to go from here.
I just opened some spots for next week. But they fill up quickly
Thank you. Just ordered.
i jusvwantef your opinion on absituation donubchsrge forbthst?????
I am avoidant but I don’t have Phantom exes at all . I never met anyone whom I wanted to be my lifetime another half except for the last boyfriend who left me .
What should avoidants do to solve their issues so they can improve in the future?
Therapy the ONLY way. Meditation, emotional self regulation, communication skills, etc. work towards becoming a secure attachment - model secure people
Margett. The Best.. Dr .Margaret.....
Is it common for an anxious attachment style to be hurt so many times they become avoidant?
Yup my ex is one
I thought my ex was an avoidant person, but it was me THE whole time O.o damn
Lol
This is spot on. My FA ex cheated on me with a married woman and claimed she was the love of his life 😳
I was with a girl who had no feelings it seemed like.. she has two kids and literally just didn't care about me at all..
How the hell did you even establish a relationship in the first place? Date single and childless women. Everyone deserves a clean slate
Avoid avoidants, he took 10 years from my emotional life.
@Rebecca Jones I agree you allowed it..
@Rebecca Jones Avoidants (or to the extreme psychopaths) can fake their entire personality until someone is locked in with marriage or children. Blaming the victim isn't going to help. Clearly she's aware of what the problem is now.
An avoidant hardly ever dates another avoidant 🤷♀️🤣
Their can't be enough friction you see🙄
That's why I say avoidants are pure bastards..They need and want Love more than the anxious one but they keep it hidden to hv an upper hand in the relationship dynamic! Because they always say to the anxious.. I don't want your love..🙄Keep space.. Then why don't these motherfuckers simply date another avoidant🤣🤷♀️there will be ample of space🤣🤷♀️ given and the other avoidant will obviously not give a fuckk ever anyway so they won't hv to say I don't want your love.. 🤷♀️🤣🙄Filthy coward motherfuckers👊🏻🤬🤬🤬
ok so how do you attract back an avoidant ex?
I know you feel bad, there are good reasons but I think it's better if we stop seeing each other for good. I started seeing someone and I just want you to do the same. It will pass it's just a bad moment in your life. There will be better moment but not with me. Take care of yourself. Goodbye
I got this message this morning :(
Myswift Swift so sorry.
@@jason_108 I actually feel relief. Like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. It's helping me forget about her. I hope she finds what's she's looking for
I'm caught up with an avoidante ex ... Now what ?