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yes everything is true not only do i feel exhausted i feel over fatigued extremely. i grow up with narcissistic parents but it is what it is im also dealing with chronical stress and pain. i also know why and how they become narcisstic and its very sad but when you understand them and how their lives was in the past when they were little you will understand where they are coming from that doesn't mean you need to be merciful or having pity for them its important to have indeed healthy boundries towards them and keep the distance or even break the connection because narcissists will never have empathy because of the trauma that they had experienced when they were little. you just have to accept them the way they are and move on with your life without them or see them with limited time.
The narcissist mother sucks the oxygen out of the room. They will wear you out. The trauma, drama, arguments, name calling, gas lighting. Critical of you, gossiping about you. Controlling, the silent treatment. Big blow ups over nothing. Very needed, great attention getter. People out side of the home think that she is so sweet and kind, nice but the family knows better. They have great shame issues. They expect you to be perfect, rude and proud. The list is endless. Still trying to recover from it . My mom has passed but it will take some time to feel normal.
1. Constant need for attention. Like a infant. 2. Emotional manipulation, shaming, guilting, confusing, emotional exhaustion. 3. Gaslighting, 4. Invalidation, making you feel unworthy 5. Boundary violation, no boundaries, make you feel violated New road to self 6. Triangulation, emotional unfinished business onto them, don't take, its exhausting, don't react, don't even respond i.e. No response or response only in yes or no, very little response. 7. Projection, their own negative traits onto you. 8. Mood swings, loving to angry in little time. 9. Criticism, due to walking on egg shells. 10. Lack of empathy, no regard for you. 11. Financial exploitation, control money, creates stress, it's like dancing with the devil. 12. Isolation, isolate you from friends and family, leaving no support for you. 13. Chronic stress, cause depression, overall exhaustion. 14. Monological conversation, they are the designated talker and you are designated listener, you are just the audience and they are in the spotlight. Be in as less contact as possible 👍😊
"Monological conversations," oh yeah! I once dated a narcissist who would start talking about himself and his day on the phone and go on for an hour or more. I could put the phone down, go do the dishes and tidy the kitchen, come back and pick up the phone and he'd still be going. One time I actually dozed off sitting at a restaurant table with him. My nose nearly touched my spaghetti before I jerked awake. He didn't seem to notice that either.
I would answer a phone call from my narc mother with “Hello”, and that would be my last word. Once, the call got disconnected somehow, and she didn’t even realize it…just kept reading something that she thought was important; I suggested she just send me the document, but NO, because then she wouldn’t be able to hear the sound of her own voice. 😩
So self centered and ego driven that they can go on for hours about themselves, but too socially un-aware and un-empathetic to realize no one gives a shit!😊
Never thought about this exhaustion/ emotional burn out could be from the gaslighting… triangulation… BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS… projection etc … Great video 😮
Always complaining about life being "hard" and the constant negativity about any and everything. Anxiety from parents is contagious. The constant emotional dumping I have been enduring since childhood is truly draining.
It's relaxing to not be around them. The hyper vigilance can go down and our energy up when we're not wasting our internal resources on defending and protecting ourselves from them.
Growing up I was not allowed to show frustration, it was taken as anger. Of course showing anger was taken as disrespect. I'm 58 now, and having a horrible time with depression and anxiety
@@thepottedsucculent4290 - Any attempt or indication that you are an individual is a threat to the narc. You can't have individual wants, needs, opinions etc. You are only an extension of them.
I was adopted by a covert narcissistic "Mother". She was nice to me in front of other's and abused/ degraded me behind closed door's. I remember being a severly depressed and stressed teenager, on the edge of taking my own life. I made several plans to "escape" for good but I was too chicken to follow through. This made me hate myself even more. I felt weak, alone and trapped all of the time.
True. They never let you develop healthily as a child and adolescent. If they achieved damaging you as a child or teenager, you will not develop as a healthy, normal adult. This happened to me as well. I was not able leave when I turn 18 and I ended up not achieving my goals of having a career and during the recession I became unemployed which led to more depression, paralysis, stagnation, and dependence so that they can weaponize and gloat how I became an adult still dependent on parents.
My narc mother controlled me as scapegoat, by denying me any money, and I believe she told my father he is not allowed to give me any. I played the piano at a ballet school, 2 days a week. 4 kilometres on bicycle,after school, coming back in the dark.Bought a violin, and paid for my lessons. She even had the audacity to tell my fiance, he must never give me money, because I cannot work with money. I was the one who speculated with houses, We bought, improved, plant a nice garden and sold at a profit. But still the other siblings , 2 narcs, carried on with hinting about it.😢
Gotta love i when your narc parent calls you and you don't really feel like talking long g (i.e. being a soundboard) and say you're tired. The response? "TIRED?! How can you be tired? When I was your age, I......" You're not allowed to be tired.
I'm laughing my head off at your comment, because that exact situation has happened countless times throughout my existence with my mother. She can have every affliction under the sun, but I could never ever, ever be tired, hurt, sad ...fill in the blanks...
Monological conversations…that is so on point with how my narcissistic dad behaves. My husband and I call it being talked at. My dad literally will sit there and talk AT you for hours and hours and you feel trapped and can’t escape or get a word in or anything and he dumps all his negativity on the listener until you want to cry. It’s so horrible to the point we try not to ever put ourselves in position of being alone with him. I have not figured out how to get away once he starts.
Wow! I cut contact years ago too, I'm 33 now. Never thought about it as a second birthday... Can't even remember when it was, but it felt like I was raising and mothering myself from there on. So I'm like a 12 year old now lmao
I grew up feeling incredibly uncomfortable around my Narc mother (my only parent). She insulted me constantly and infantilized me. She never respected my boundaries. She financially exploited me since I was 13 when I had a job for a few weeks. She assumed she was entitled to my money and she didn’t work. She tried to destroy me when I was 33 so I have not spoken to her in 5 years. As a child I was tired and have struggled with brain fog since a young age. I think I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I was so uncomfortable around her but that was my nervous system reacting to her BS. Not my fault.
I had similar experience. She was obsessed with my money, alimoney, pocket money was taken away from me and she felt to be entitled to my salary. Aggression, accussation, playing a victim, sufferer. I was called insulting names…I lost my childhood, had no toys, games, books, no fun. She turned me against my dad, Limited his rights. I isolated myself, because I started doubting in my mentality. I had my first depression when I was 12 years old. I had no energy to go to school. She didn’t work. She was pretending sick to avoid working to ruin my future, take my resources away so I couldn’t develop myself and go to work to provide for her. I refused and did what I wanted. I rejected her from my life.
thank you alexis you verbalized and said it in good English: my mom, she used to infantilized me (in my mind I grew up with the strong feeling of not being good enough and not being ready to be a mother myself bcz of "xyz" problems => always her educational system (projection) on me about what and when and where and how and who with (they themselves are so miserable in a cage, constricted in a disfunctional system) trying to interfere with sick, malign attitude in my financial life moreover, when you mention "brain fog" I finally had confirmation I am not alone! I used to have hard times in finding clarity for my life goals, my feelings, my boundaries, my values, my standards their constant attempt to pull you into a trap bcz especially as a kid you kind of trust them (no choice, those are ur parents, ur family members, ur envirnoment)
Don't worry, I feel the same way about my mother... My older sister tried to copy my mother's overprotective nature (I was the youngest daughter), but at least she was less annoying.
I had such narcissistic and abusive parents that I even as a little child developed a hole in my heart and scoliosis on my back... People knew me as the depressed, quiet and shy child. I felt so tired, weak, helpless and sick to my stomach ... But had no one and nowhere to go to... Today I'm a 33 year old teacher, cut all contact to those evil and nasty people with 20. But still no one has ever taken my suffering seriously and I gave up on people a long time ago. I will always feel the burden of such a childhood and youth on my shoulders.. The corners of my lips can't go up, the sadness is so heavy, it makes me sick. In my 20s I was always financially struggling because mentally I was on survival mode and couldn't concentrate on a steady career or finance plan. Then I developed a chronic illness named ulcerative colitis. I modelled once but suddenly became this 100 pounds overweight woman... People I knew were disgusted and turned their backs on me. Now that I have lost weight, have a good job and home, everyone is trying to snake their way back in but I won't allow those mofos back in my life ever again. People are nothing but disappointment. Neither compassion nor intellect. They make me sick.
yes, the brain cannot handle so much stress that fine motor skills/critical thinking skills go out the window. I had to go to remedial math and reading classes (5th grade ) because I could not grasp the material. Now, in my 50's and learning about what narc parents abuse does to their children.I made the connection between narc parent abuse and me going to those classes.
My 93 year old mother passed this year. All I felt was relief. She was sooooo needy all my life. Her personna was the "sick" person. She used her poor health to get attention and manipulate. She would call 911 if she felt lonely...and would forget what she told the 911 dispatcher was the health emergency when the EMTs arrived. She had so many CT scans because she presented with "vague" symptoms.
My mother passed away a couple of years ago. I still remember, that, nearly every time we spent time together, as soon as she left my house, I felt completely drained. There where instances when I had to lay on the ground physically, because I couldn´t stand [her] any more. I still felt obligated to be her (emotional) caregiver. I was adopted. I always had the feeling that I have to be thankful for being adopted instead of living in foster care or a childrens home. Being adopted by an - in this case emotionally "unwell" mother (and father btw) - doesn´t make it easier to find (and maintain) your own and helthy boundaries. Thank you for this video, Mr. Wise
Whenever I was around my mother, I really felt how much she would drain my energy, ever since I was a little girl. By making me doing a lot of household choirs. This wasn't really happening with my sister that often, because my sister respected my boundaries. However my mother never learned to respect my boundaries and kept repeating the same cycle of toxicity, by comparing me even as an adult... All because, she wasn't able to function on her own...😒
When I visit my parents for a day or two… when I go to leave or just run an errand in their town, I notice I am really messed up/disoriented/thrown off by the visit … I only notice this when I get behind the wheel of my car and am like “dude, you gotta focus!!” because it will feel foreign for a few minutes, like when you haven’t driven a car in a few weeks or when you’re behind the wheel of a car you’ve never driven. Does anyone else get feelings like this? It happens especially if certain interactions happen and obviously I am not taking the bait or responding but it has some odd effect internally, I think?
I'm exactly like that when I've been talking with my parents. They "get in my head" and it's all I can think of. I swear it's like every thought is about them and our conversations. It's to the point where I forget what I'm doing because I'm that deep into what they have been talking to me about or just what not.
My narc FSA (family Scapegoat abuse) started from birth. I'm 16 months woke with 32 months to go. The brain fog crippled me to the point I couldn't focus enough to use my tape measure effectively & I've been in construction for the past 35 years...
@@keithstewart7514 I'm literally just waking up to this abuse. Like you, I've been the scapegoat my whole life. It seems like there would be periods of ramped up abuse versus periods of stagnation if you will. I've done construction off and on my whole life and like you I would just get stuck in thought about the past and situations that didn't make sense at the time and now do. I never even knew about this side of people until I don't know like the past 6 years ago.
I'm 63 years old next year. Not now but about 5 years a go, I didnt know why, but every time I visited my mother, I got very tired around her. She didn't even have to act up. I just felt exhausted around her. It was weird. I think in some subconscious way narcs affect you more than you realize. I moved farther away from her and God only knows why. Because when I was close to her, I tried to visit her every day for a few minutes and it was not very pleasant most times. She is old and I care for her. But thank God, she can still do things for herself. I don't want to be around someone toxic to me all the time. I'm old too.
Yes. It is common to mentally break down and become disoriented and have brain fog. It happens for simple things I know how to do and I just feel paralyzed to complete the task or achieve my goals. As a child, my narcissistic parents always tried to make me look stupid, especially when it involved doing chores, so that they can berate me in how useless, dumb, or childish.
I just saw my mother today, and I was talking with my brother afterwards. I told him that spending time with her is like driving a long distance, exhausting while sitting for hours.
Yes. I got sick in 2021 and couldn't work for awhile. So I ended up not being able to work and had to move back in with my mother. I ended up getting a job and it enabled me to work from home. My mother will charge in at any given time. Even if she see that I am busy conversing with a client. She will rudely interrupt me speaking with them and make it all about her. If she realize that I get frustrated she start to pout in a sense. She will hear me conversing with my son about something and will rudely interject. I was so depressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed feeling a few weeks ago. I had to withdraw, listen to sermons, worship God, and rest. They honestly don't care about anyone or anything but themselves . It is VERY draining and exhausting. They can and will point out others flaws and shortcomings. Even if they have to make up something about them along the way. But act as if they can NEVER see where they are wrong or admit their faults.
My covert narc's mother's incessant lying , projecting , criticizing , triangulation , insulting and most everything you mention here made me so overwhelmed and exhausted that I had a couple of episodes of 'hysterical blindness' at 16 years of age . This was so frightening that I actually forgot about it for years . I had already went no contact at 26 - the fates granted me the relief by her death six years later .
I realized mine was a narc like my dad and brother after dad died, I think hers came out when my dad died and she is twisted how she defends my narc brother after knowing they screwed me not him. I just use eft Techniques and other techniques and fend them off but also helps me not lose my stuff when they are trying to make you angry and reactive. Those are free to learn. I find most of the time they go away when I tap. I can’t wait to make money and get away from the one I live with and the others are already kept away by me mostly.
Yes. I started crying yesterday evening. Because I was trying to converse with my mom last night about something. Then she immediately started to obviously ignore me, dismiss me, and was rude to me. I started crying. Then this Allstate commercial came on and I smiled and said I know that was you God. Thanks. Because HE told me a while ago to tell others that they were in good hands like Allstate. I even saw an Allstate commercial early this morning as a reminder. Thanks for this video again. Thanks for sharing. I pray your strength in the Lord in the mighty and matchless name of Jesus Christ of NAZARETH. The name above ALL names. AMEN. 💜💛❤️
Ladenna, have you ever thought of trying to limit your mother's contact with you in some way ? Like only being available for emergencies, etc ? It sounds like your mental health is getting torn up by here treatment of you. Even if you didn't choose to go no- contact at all, you are free to at least control WHEN she'd be able to contact you in the future. You should not have to be crying on a weekend.
Totally true. I've just recently realized how drawning monological conversations are. I have an overt narcissistic father in law. As he was constantly using anything what I've said against me, I reduced my reaction to nodding. Last time he talked 3 hours straight without bothering that I haven't replied any words, just nodding. Still it got me tired. My brain was exhausted. Emotionally it was also draining to get a look into his irrealistic fantasy world and keeping myself distanced from it. (At one point he talked about what advise would he give to God when he will be finally in front of him as certain thing in the world are not ok. Related to a lawsuit he just lost about one acre of farmland.) It took me one day to recover mentally. It's like brainwashing.
People like that are extremely toxic and totally draining. I call them energy vampires. I advise you to distance yourself whenever you can. You don't deserve that kind of assault to your nervous system, nobody does.
Everytime I interacted with my covert narc mother she always made me look at all her stuff every single time it's draining to have to admire all her yard stuff and if I don't do it good enough she was offended !!
@@David-eu1ms not really how that works in narcissists, who usually are not object focused in their desire for validation. You should be careful with throwing around terms if you can't match the criteria more accurately.
@tinapearson8753 then your diagnosis is likely incorrect, you should research further or consider co-morbidities. Congrats to you for diagnosing people without medical training, we need more uninformed judgemental people in the world.
Growing up, I didn't have fatigue, but anxiety around my family. However, I was prone to all kinds of illnesses. At age 21, I got viral encephalitis from a mosquito bite, one symptom was severe fatigue. My mother was upset when I got the proper diagnosis.
Wow. I'm so sorry that you went through that. But I'm grateful that you chose to share that information. Because I have been going through a health issue since 2021. It seems as though when one of the doctors showed genuine concern, 6 seemed like I was being close to being diagnosed with something. It angered her. It is unfortunate how they refuse to see how they can be truly hurt others. They can see where other people are wrong. They even make things up about others and accuse them of hurting them. But they refuse to admit when they are wrong.
i really don't know why family court gives loonie mothers custody over stable dads. seems they want messed up young people. also means the wife mother can act like a complete tyrant and if the father doesn't like it it means she gets soul custody. No reason for her to compromise on anything ever. I'm sorry you had a mother like that, best advice for young teen boys of single mothers is spend all spare time doing part time jobs or in sport and move out ASAP. I hate seeing teen boys being their mothers handbags at shoping centres saturday mornings, should be waging war on a sports feild somewhere. Feels like constant wing clipping.
My narc inlaws are DRAINING. both covert narcs and they drain you in different ways. My MIL is so old and doesn't understand/care about violating your personal space. Why are you so close? She's watched me breastfeed. It was...weird. my FIL loooooves monologues! When my husband and I bought our first house he went on a full 20-30 minute rant about what it means to buy a house, what we need to do. My husband is so used to it he zoned out but i wanted to tell him stfu we are adults. I felt my face melting.
I feel your pain! I was so relieved when my mil moved to a different state to be with her youngest daughter. I could tell my husband was different, too (almost relieved, but he would never admit that). She moved in near us after my in-laws divorced and mostly just took advantage of us. After my eyes were opened over the last 5-6 years, I have distanced myself to low/no contact and it was the best thing I ever did. I think anyone that grew up this way thinks it is "normal" because while I think my husband would like to break free, he has always been told that "family is everything" and "you need to get along." I married the oldest and only son and his three younger sisters saw him more of a father figure because their own dad was not a great one (he passed away 2 years ago). So much drama and we were always being pulled into the middle. I have so much peace since letting go.
@s.s.8029 i too have gone low contact. For the same reasons you mentioned, i can't fully go no contact bc my husband will not go no contact. He knows they are toxic as hell but he's conditioned to feel guilt about NC. He has established boundaries and we live several states away so that helps. With therapy i now understand what I'm dealing with and i cant go back. I blocked them for my sanity. I grayrock when i actually have to interact with them. Their visits are limited and they can't stay at our house. It's the only way to survive.
@@cassien7585 thankfully we do not have room to have guests. When we would host them it felt like they took over my home and it was no longer my own. I accidentally ruined Christmas one year trying to make sure everything was perfect. I definitely grateful rock when needed! It is hard, but necessary.
@s.s.8029 they can't stay with us because we have no more room and they blew up in our house. That was the last time and now their privileges are revoked. They also take over the house and that's draining too. My husband told my overbearing FIL we just had our 3rd kid. We have no room for you to stay. His response " what will my community think? Can you make room?". Unbelievable and entitled.
@@cassien7585 my in-laws would just show up whenever and without calling. My mil would just send dhs nephew down without asking if my boys or I were busy. Very maddening and I could write a book! God bless you!
Omg, my dad went through a crisis last year. He was calling me constantly - mandating 3 hours a day. He'd call repeatedly, sometimes 30 times a day while repeating the same grandiose and paranoid crud. If I didn't answer, he'd stalk me. He ended up buying a burial plot for both himself and me next to each other. I said I didn't think it was necessary and he said it was to see how things played out. Considering he pulled out a gun on the family before, asked me to pretend to be his side piece, would strangle my mom, abuse my little sister, kept me in the basement every evening when I was little, etc - I was either having full blown panic attacks constantly or feeling completely numb. I can't hear my old phone ring or vibrate anymore without panicking - so I have a new phone with a new number. I had left home while still in high school, and wish I hadn't reconnected in my 40s. Should have just trusted myself in the first place.
I'm having a similar problem with my N Dad but he's in constant crisis. He'll create them if he can't find one to latch onto. Texts and calls up to 30 times a day. Constant rages and rants. The sound of my phone makes me panic and freeze. No matter what I do or don't do, I'm hooped either way. Petulant childish tantrums. Good God I'm always energy depleted and exasperated beyond belief. 😢
I’m also watching this video because of my rotten to the core narc father. He used to call me 20 times a day, leaving messages filling my mailbox, barricading important messages for my future. He was financially supporting me through school. The ups and downs the sudden cut offs of resources if I didn’t cater to his incessant harassment. He thought he had me hook line and sinker when as I neared the completion of my degree, he would act out even further and without fear of consequences because he knew I was eager to graduate. Well as of July, I made the awesome decision to never speak to him again. It’s not harsh. This paragraph is a microscopic viewpoint. I’m so elated at my new freedom. My energy is through the roof and I have never felt so independent and hopeful as I do now. The fact that I don’t have to see his grotesque face, hear his disgusting voice, jump when my phone rings,…..all i can say is the best things in life are undoubtedly free. Free!
This affirms me in feeling less guilty about my very few and very short interactions with her. I remember feeling so spiritually and physically weak a few years ago until i started maintaining my distance. Narcissist carry a very dark spirit.
It always hits hard, realising what I did live for 30 years in! All this happenned and I survived. Now, it's over a half of the year since I cut it off completely. The family I was born to takes it as I rejected them, hurt them and left them. Because I am the bad one, hurting and having problem... I was clearly said, after all, that "I did all this to myself", they do not see themselves being responsible for anything... And as always, I was called "not taking any joke" ... when I asked them for help and dialogue... did hurt so bad. But I survived. I just still cannot believe that it is a whole family a had to escape from. All of them. And how "they work together well against me" in this... It will be a year, next Friday, when I decided to take the sick leave, antidepressives and finally fight it. Heal from it, gain everything that I really deserve as a human... and I dare to say, that I am good, well-wishing man, all the good that this life offers. Without them. It was my very best decision ever taken! 🙏🏻 Not because I want to punish or because I do not love them them, as they think and said behind my back (found out once)... but because I finally found myself and because I decided I want to be happy, feel understood and heard and beforemost feel safe and "normal". ✊🏻👍🏻
I’m going through the same thing at the moment. Currently off work and on medication. 2 years ago I spoke to my mom about how she and my dad were treating me and that I wasn’t happy with it. She then turned the whole family against me and my dad doesn’t speak to me anymore. About 6 months ago I started having panic attacks and crippling anxiety. I can’t believe I was born to such evil parents
There is light at the end of the tunnel. In my mid 30s I took responsibility for my own healing. I found myself a husband who loves and supports the person I became. I just recently started learning about CPTSD and narcissistic parental abuse. It is helping me polish off some of the rough spots in my personality. I think that is an on going process. Hang in there it gets better and is so worth it.
@@VintageQuirky-ql4hc I love how you put that 'rough spots in your personality'! Perfect description. I totally relate. Hugs to everyone struggling with severely traumatized and emotionally stunted family members! You don't need them. You are just trauma bonded to crazy people.
Congratulations for finally valuing yourself enough to distance yourself from these toxic people. My advice is to stay away and to slowly build up your self-esteem and your life. Never blame yourself instead congratulate yourself every day on your strengths and determination to leave your toxic family and never question yourself and never ever look back. Good luck on this new journey towards a happy and fulfilling life.❤
@@aj1987Well, if your father can not speak to you- for telling the truth,no less- you are certainly free to go no contact with them,if that's something you want to do. Sometimes,it's either them, or you when it comes to wellbeing.
Yes. That is why you have to go no contact at times. It can be hard but necessary. Because you are alone when dealing with these types of people anyway.
You were a child. A child needs nurturing. That's what a child needs. It's not a want. I had narcissistic parents. They were role playing being parents. They have no idea what they were doing bringing kids into the world. It took me years to realise that. It made them socially acceptable having kids. I survived to adulthood. Along the way however, I lost my two siblings . People would think we would be closer for our common experience as siblings. But it's not. I am now 47 years old. My elder sister told me I am dead to her. As a kid, she was mean beyond belief towards me. Mother encouraged it. As teenagers briefly, we reconnected. Then she turned my friends against me claiming I was a bully to her. I have done nothing to her ever. My brother who was always stoic even as the eldest child- don't even mention it Why? My parents are still alive. I have spent so much of my life suffering without knowing why. The world isn't built for people who lack confidence. I am working on it. No drama. I am sorry my parents did not get help. Times were different. Still hurts but. Thanks for video.
I left my country and my parents back in 1996. Never felt guilty once about it. Best thing I have done! Don’t understand why anyone stays in relationship that doesn’t work
This is the first time I am hearing about "monological conversations" and I would say it is THE main indiator my Mom truly is a narcissist. Every conversation ever with her makes me feel like the "audience". In fact, when we are on the phone and she can't see I'm paying attention, she'll say, "hello?", "Hello!!" periodically if I zone out and forget to "mmm-hmmm" or "oh" every so often. Not to mention constantly having to defend my own opinions. Like, she needs people to agree with her, it doesn't matter how trivial. I always knew "talking" with her was exhausting, but I never knew why. Yikes.
This video is so true. My parents isolated me as a child. Really, my mother did who ran the house. We rarely went over to other relative's houses. I remember years ago when I used to talk with my mother more on the phone. Talk about a monological conversation. She would go on and on. I could barely get a word in, and I had a hard time getting off of the phone with her. She would "triangulate" by complaining about my dad, or anyone else. When I got off the phone with her, I felt like a psychic vampire had sucked out half of my life force through the phone.
Both of my parents were highly narcissistic, and my dad would have the monologue "conversation ". He would talk for 2-3 hours straight. Thankfully, they're both dead now. I've been in a few social situations recently where this happens frequently. It seems like more and more people are like this, and it's disturbing. I can't have a decent conversation anymore. It's always all about them. I'm Empath/HSP, so I know I attract these types of people, but dang, it's a sh!t storm out here.
My dad will call and I put the phone down and do other things. Come back and he never skipped a beat... Still talking. It's crazy. These people are mentally ill.
Oh the monological conversations. They do all the talking, whether it be about something great they did or something bad someone did to them, and you're expected do the listening. And they expect this treatment time and time again. It's so draining.... I actually had to stop picking up an acquaintance's phone calls because she only talked about herself, for two hours at a time. She considered us friends, but there was no mutuality, no concern for me, so I let her go. I've had to do the same with family too.
@jerrywise Can you please do a video on what healthy families look like? Maybe like a situation where this is how narcissist respond but a healthy parent would respond this way. I think millions of people only know dysfunction families! How are we suppose to know what healthy family is? My mom says 99% of families operate dysfunctionally? Thanks for all you do😊
@gabrielledennis4103 in a healthy family a mother breastfeeds and stays with the baby until the child is old enough , around two years old old...she does not
@gabrielledennis4103 in a healthy family a mother breastfeeds and stays with the baby until the child is old enough , around two years old old...she does not
I was recently diagnosed with ITP which causes fatigue. When my narc mom found out she was angry at me! She felt it was an excuse not to be emotionally and physically available to her😢 24/7
My mother is a narcissist combined with schizoid personality disorder. I have to take care of her bcs she is in initial stages of dementia. I am exhausted just after one hour of being with her.
I have a parent who is a neglectful narcissist and not only do they not care about me, they are kind of opposite in conversations in that I used to try to have dialogue discussions with them but they just didn’t and don’t care about me or my feelings, opinions, etc. That is extremely frustrating and depressing. I feel like I don’t matter. Any advice for this conundrum?
The narcissist is incapable of change. No expectations on your part are probably the healthiest thing you can offer yourself. It sucks, I know. I have lived this, as well. It took decades for me to come to this conclusion. I hope you are young enough to have a trusted individual in your life who can share what a wonderful life it is.
There is nothing you can do other than accept their behavior for what it is (mentally ill) and eventually it won't trigger you. Think about it this way: would you be upset with a paranoid schizophrenic for constantly being paranoid, or be upset with someone who has seizures, for having seizures? Or be upset with a two year old for having a tantrum? Of course not. You must learn to see narcissistic behavior in the same way, they don't have a choice and are incapable of behaving differently. It is truly a mental illness that needs to be recognized as such, instead of thinking of their behavior as as aspect of their personality over which they have any real control. They don't, they don't even see their behavior as abnormal, and no matter what you say or do, they never will. They will always blame everyone else for they way they are.
@andrewterry8092 I am having a problem with the nothing you can do about it part of your message. If the behavior is tearing others down, of course, there is action that can be taken. Protect oneself comes to mind. I say this with respect; believe the behavior and the patterns that are presented.
I could check every item you listed. All through childhood, then 14 years in a bad marriage. I'm out of the marriage, but the parents are still there. I keep my distance, but that takes effort, too.
I like how you put it "very exhausting to have to deal with". That's just it. Some people who haven't experienced that would never understand how exhausting it really is.
They also refuse to let you rest by criticizing you and calling you lazy every time you do. They also treat you like slaves, and expect you to do all the work and lots of favours without pitching in themselves. Some deliberately keep you in a state of exhaustion and/or sleep deprivation because you'll be more suggestible.
My dad would take a break from smoking cigarettes and gambling to pull a crumbled up to-do list out of pocket and start hitting it saying "Take care of business! Gotta take care of business!" A bathroom break is seen as slacking. When I was doing something and took a quick break, he would take my tools and put them up or just hide one them to play stupid games. Then family calls me up to tell me how ashamed I should be for upsetting my dad. Rinse, repeat.
What’s most exhausting for me is that she accuses me of every single one of these bullet points I’ve suffered all my life. I finally realized I didn’t have to set the record straight. Now I can just be quiet and listen and she’ll just keep it coming. I could be wearing a green and she’ll be wearing and orange sweater green and she’ll accuse me of wearing orange the orange sweater and she the green sweater. But she’s very clever and studies narcissistic abuse as if she’s the one that needs it from me so she uses that information to gaslight me into believing I’m the one wearing the orange sweater.
I always cringe when people talk about how much they love their wonderful parents . I have only recently begun to understand why I feel that way. I was fed, clothed and housed but not really valued as anything more than an extension of them. I never measured up to their goals and expectations for me and wasn't encoraged to have my own.
Thank you for your video, Jerry! My mom was a spoiled child and a narcissist! Everything had to go her way or otherwise the entire family (including my dad) would be unhappy and would have to pay for her emotional outburst! As a result, my first wife was also a spoiled narcissist, who was beautiful and cheated on me every time I was not around. I'm glad that I finally learned what a narcissist is and can do to your emotional level! Your video perfectly describes all of the narcissists that I have encountered during my sixty-six + years of living!
As a teenager I would be allowed to stay home alone when parents went on vacation. I remember how calm and good the house felt. That's when it felt like "home" and I marveled at how nice it was to be home. When mom was there it was a volatile mine field and I hid in my room.
This was a great video! I like how you considered so many points that we could apply our own instances to that have happened to us. I thought of another point: the rumination and overthinking, that even when we aren’t with them, we are analyzing what happened/how hurt or affected we feel, thinking of what we will do/say when they treat us badly/thinking of ways to be busy next time they want to see us/the dread of holidays or occasions when you’ll be expected to see them. There is no rest and no peace
I can definitely identify with that. When you just want to be left alone, and not be bother with their annoying/toxic ways, they think something is wrong with you. If that's not projection, blame shifting, and gaslighting I don't know what is.
@@taeblu368 yes, you are blamed for not being a good Christian because you can't forgive, you are a bad person for needing boundaries and space because you are pushing them away or not letting them see your kids alone on their terms, you are to blame. There is never any introspection on their part, just you are blamed for having had enough.
My mother is a pure punisher guilting screaming for 5 minutes can’t here a word I say so as I have to shout yet she hers ever creek I make when I tread without a noise on the corridor
Yes. it is draining. My mother won't maintain a clean home and says she doesn't have to do it and that I should care for my mother. I try to explain that first responders won't be able to enter her house to help, because of the hoarding on her porch. She mentions they can enter through the back door. I mention if there's a fire in the kitchen, they won't enter through the back door to rescue her. I've given up on the topic and just hope there's never an emergency where first responders need to help her.
I am not sure if everyone in my life was a Narcissist but I do see a lot of those traits in them.. There are still plenty of people in my life that have those traits and I need to know ways how to deal with them..
Many of these toxic things can be very hard to notice, especially when it's a person that you think is on your side (because he/she should be). When you spend time with a good, genuine person, you feel inner warmth that can be hard to explain, but when it's the other way around, you feel cold. TRY to do everything you can NOT to get cold, because it can make you permanently ill. I know it's easier said than done, but atleast try to fight against it. Fighting against illness IS hard, especially if you are on your own, but it's not impossible. My grandmother was warm, but my mother is cold, and those things you simply can't fake. I'm warm, but my brother got sick, which still makes me indirectly (even if I'm not seeing him) feel cold, and that makes me very sad.
As a teen going to high school I got up at 6a to catch the school bus then after school went straight to a job at night for years. I hardly ever saw my parents.
Well timed video, as I'm noticing over the last year or so that I have very little energy left anymore. These Ns are like toxic sludge that _(try as you may)_ constantly are spilling onto _your lane_ ....just pure physically, emotionally, mentally exhausting!! The two Ns I have in my life want so badly to be seen as _the almighty_ and yet they're both useless. Both are being propped up within their lives by outside sources...in other words, they have others _(mainly me in the case of our N father and a social worker in my N brother’s case)_ doing all their dirty work, but go around telling you just how much _they have it together,_ and yet how difficult life is for each of them. The more others do for them the more invalid they just keep becoming... _(though I didn't think that was possible.)_ EVERY thing, EVERY conversation is brought right back onto them without so much as any validation as to what you might have just said...no inquiring follow-up questions or statements when it comes to these one way monologues with them. Repeat…and more repeating.
One N is an older brother whose mission in life has been to live _mooching_ off the system over his lifetime; constantly complaining about any imaginary made-up ailment and then seeking out unnecessary medical treatments and surgeries, so much so that he's now almost unable to walk and he uses his condition as his _carte blanche_ …getting out of any work, responsibilities, and especially now, avoiding helping out with our narcissistic elder father's last years. _(BUT, this N brother is playing long-ball by having his eye on the estate, though. No surprise there, right??)_ Oddly though, I've found the more he's gotten away with in life and the better off he's living _(after decades of sucking off the state)_ the more unhappy, suspicious and greedier he's become. Not many responsibilities other than making sure he stays sickly and still he's miserable. Decades of state a$$i$tance and for what?? It was like funded money flowing through a sieve…yet no improvement, nor satisfaction. He’s living a life far better than he ever provided for himself and yet he's just miserable. Trying to converse with him is absolutely painful; hearing about every created ache and ailment. Any suggestions are shot down…all his life it’s been as if he’s wanted to be sick, BUT also constantly vent about it by monopolizing all conversations. Complain, but then do nothing about it. Last night we had strong words about this and this time I didn’t hold back so much. Anytime he perceives any pressure on him all I hear come from his mouth is "I, I, I this, I that...". I mentioned that may he never have to live a day in my shoes spending most of my time overseeing our Narc elder father and his home without little help or compensation, and then see how much time he’d have to obsessively focus on all his perceived conditions. It should come as no surprise that I am the realist in the family. After taking _this_ from our narc father I can’t take on more of it from a useless sibling, as well. These Ns are absolutely needy and dead-weight humans who have nothing to offer those in their lives. "Emotionally unavailable" would be a great big understatement. The funny thing is how _loudly_ they go about being so useless, as if to reassure themselves how fabulous they are. Their vocalized efforts here are lost on me.
This might offer some hope and freedom program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/. Thank you for watching. Sad to hear you are so exhausted. You are not alone.
Excuse me sir, have you met my family? In particular my mother? I had to move back in during covid, I had only moved out for a few years. At 36, I was depressed, tired and left reeling from being let go from my job which I hated but needed the money. Since moving back with my now older mom and father it's been awful on my psyche and body. My older siblings that want nothing to do with my mother and have their own issues, have been useless and pile on to make things worse. I just want to move out and continue with my life. I've learned that some people are not interested in getting help, getting better or changing. I will not become this person and have learned that I am separate from my mother and me family. I choose to be happy and live a happy life. Thank you for making this video.
I unscrew the light bulbs in my room when she is here🎉😂 otherwise il be woken up in the middle of the night with bright lights. Bc she is looking for someone or something...like a toddler all day long. You're so right Jerry. I do find ways around the intentional annoyances. But it is tiring.
Oh yes I've Dealt with this my Whole Life!!! I'm surrounded by Toxic People ( Old People,not just Adult Children) I'm exhausted,they take all my Energy!!
And children still keep suffering from this monsters get traumatized and can not find way to escape. Why there is no law against them? Things like that is legal for psyhotherapist have more clients?
Ugh. Def with them it’s like the “terrible twos” isn’t just a phase. It’s forever like some dismal purgatory. That’s where I am now tho. I get tired of having to always tread water to fend off all the “permeating lies” and to put up tons of boundaries to ward off attacks. Can’t wait to actually move. Lol. Even tho now it’s lower contact, it’s getting to the point to where I feel it needs to be even lower and so I see moving further away as a great way to sort of put myself in a better situation that has more “built in” boundaries. Ones that are there already that I don’t always have to keep holding up myself. It’s both exhausting dealing with them AND keeping them at bay. I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping them at bay, but that too is also tiring. Less tiring than putting up with their abuse, but I still have to reserve a certain amount of my energy for “self defense” and to take “security measures.” It’s like having another part time job. When I was younger, for sure the defining feeling for me was often exhaustion. I was just plain tired so many times. (I noticed I was often a lot more tired than other folks my age).
Malignant definitely stood out to me. And chronic stress. My father is a malignant narc and covert. Mom is a devouring mother/covert. It's no wonder why im typically low on energy.
This was a full description of my 26yr marriage! I had chronic fatigue for the last 10yrs of it. I couldn’t figure out how it happened and why I couldn’t get better! Now I fully understand and taking serious steps to leave.
Oppositional behavior is also exhausting. Everything you say is wrong and they say the opposite. Even if later on they reverse their position to oppose you again.
Great summary, I totally agree with eveything you said. Just listening to you list all the things that are exhausting about narcissistic relationships made me exhausted. Somehow it just brought it all home. Thanks for the validation. We all need it because we tend to forget how difficult it is to deal with a narcissist on a regular basis. We need to give ourselves extra care and credit.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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❤
yes everything is true not only do i feel exhausted i feel over fatigued extremely. i grow up with narcissistic parents but it is what it is im also dealing with chronical stress and pain. i also know why and how they become narcisstic and its very sad but when you understand them and how their lives was in the past when they were little you will understand where they are coming from that doesn't mean you need to be merciful or having pity for them its important to have indeed healthy boundries towards them and keep the distance or even break the connection because narcissists will never have empathy because of the trauma that they had experienced when they were little. you just have to accept them the way they are and move on with your life without them or see them with limited time.
Why do I attract these kinds of people!? How can I take control?
@@jodyljohnson8515 you can't control it or them, you need to leave them.
@@Kadir_1990 problem is, I did leave and so want to make amends...😓
The narcissist mother sucks the oxygen out of the room. They will wear you out. The trauma, drama, arguments, name calling, gas lighting. Critical of you, gossiping about you. Controlling, the silent treatment. Big blow ups over nothing. Very needed, great attention getter. People out side of the home think that she is so sweet and kind, nice but the family knows better. They have great shame issues. They expect you to be perfect, rude and proud. The list is endless. Still trying to recover from it . My mom has passed but it will take some time to feel normal.
1. Constant need for attention. Like a infant.
2. Emotional manipulation, shaming, guilting, confusing, emotional exhaustion.
3. Gaslighting,
4. Invalidation, making you feel unworthy
5. Boundary violation, no boundaries, make you feel violated
New road to self
6. Triangulation, emotional unfinished business onto them, don't take, its exhausting, don't react, don't even respond i.e. No response or response only in yes or no, very little response.
7. Projection, their own negative traits onto you.
8. Mood swings, loving to angry in little time.
9. Criticism, due to walking on egg shells.
10. Lack of empathy, no regard for you.
11. Financial exploitation, control money, creates stress, it's like dancing with the devil.
12. Isolation, isolate you from friends and family, leaving no support for you.
13. Chronic stress, cause depression, overall exhaustion.
14. Monological conversation, they are the designated talker and you are designated listener, you are just the audience and they are in the spotlight.
Be in as less contact as possible 👍😊
"Monological conversations," oh yeah! I once dated a narcissist who would start talking about himself and his day on the phone and go on for an hour or more. I could put the phone down, go do the dishes and tidy the kitchen, come back and pick up the phone and he'd still be going. One time I actually dozed off sitting at a restaurant table with him. My nose nearly touched my spaghetti before I jerked awake. He didn't seem to notice that either.
I would answer a phone call from my narc mother with “Hello”, and that would be my last word. Once, the call got disconnected somehow, and she didn’t even realize it…just kept reading something that she thought was important; I suggested she just send me the document, but NO, because then she wouldn’t be able to hear the sound of her own voice. 😩
And once you start talking about yourself, all of a sudden they have to go
@@charde9739 or start an argument
So self centered and ego driven that they can go on for hours about themselves, but too socially un-aware and un-empathetic to realize no one gives a shit!😊
Never thought about this exhaustion/ emotional burn out could be from the gaslighting… triangulation… BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS… projection etc … Great video 😮
Always complaining about life being "hard" and the constant negativity about any and everything. Anxiety from parents is contagious. The constant emotional dumping I have been enduring since childhood is truly draining.
You just described my former wife to a tee lose lose lose with such a demonic person.
I see your muslim name just wanted to talk to you I wonder how we can contact in private someone who is on UA-cam
And the narcissist mother can't understand why there grown children don't visit them. My mom was just like that.
It's relaxing to not be around them. The hyper vigilance can go down and our energy up when we're not wasting our internal resources on defending and protecting ourselves from them.
This.
So true!!!
So well said. Truth!!
Growing up I was not allowed to show frustration, it was taken as anger. Of course showing anger was taken as disrespect. I'm 58 now, and having a horrible time with depression and anxiety
I feel your pain. Same here
Ughh I could never have an opposing opinion!!
@@thepottedsucculent4290 - Any attempt or indication that you are an individual is a threat to the narc. You can't have individual wants, needs, opinions etc. You are only an extension of them.
I was adopted by a covert narcissistic "Mother". She was nice to me in front of other's and abused/ degraded me behind closed door's. I remember being a severly depressed and stressed teenager, on the edge of taking my own life. I made several plans to "escape" for good but I was too chicken to follow through. This made me hate myself even more. I felt weak, alone and trapped all of the time.
True. They never let you develop healthily as a child and adolescent. If they achieved damaging you as a child or teenager, you will not develop as a healthy, normal adult. This happened to me as well. I was not able leave when I turn 18 and I ended up not achieving my goals of having a career and during the recession I became unemployed which led to more depression, paralysis, stagnation, and dependence so that they can weaponize and gloat how I became an adult still dependent on parents.
Been there!
Thanks for sharing❤
My narc mother controlled me as scapegoat, by denying me any money, and I believe she told my father he is not allowed to give me any. I played the piano at a ballet school, 2 days a week. 4 kilometres on bicycle,after school, coming back in the dark.Bought a violin, and paid for my lessons.
She even had the audacity to tell my fiance, he must never give me money, because I cannot work with money. I was the one who speculated with houses, We bought, improved, plant a nice garden and sold at a profit.
But still the other siblings , 2 narcs, carried on with hinting about it.😢
Anointed fire has some good videos on narcissistic mothers too. Her name is Tiffany Buckner..she has some books too.
Gotta love i when your narc parent calls you and you don't really feel like talking long g (i.e. being a soundboard) and say you're tired. The response? "TIRED?! How can you be tired? When I was your age, I......" You're not allowed to be tired.
I'm laughing my head off at your comment, because that exact situation has happened countless times throughout my existence with my mother. She can have every affliction under the sun, but I could never ever, ever be tired, hurt, sad ...fill in the blanks...
Monological conversations…that is so on point with how my narcissistic dad behaves. My husband and I call it being talked at. My dad literally will sit there and talk AT you for hours and hours and you feel trapped and can’t escape or get a word in or anything and he dumps all his negativity on the listener until you want to cry. It’s so horrible to the point we try not to ever put ourselves in position of being alone with him. I have not figured out how to get away once he starts.
" infuse you with fatigue" , brilliantly said Sir
Went No contact five years ago! Call it my second birthday! I should have done earlier! So happy now. I am 59!
♥♥♥Happy Second Birthday ♥♥♥
That’s a neat idea.
Wish I could do this❤🙏
Wow! I cut contact years ago too, I'm 33 now. Never thought about it as a second birthday... Can't even remember when it was, but it felt like I was raising and mothering myself from there on. So I'm like a 12 year old now lmao
Ayyyy, I'm a few days away from this hopefully
I grew up feeling incredibly uncomfortable around my Narc mother (my only parent). She insulted me constantly and infantilized me. She never respected my boundaries. She financially exploited me since I was 13 when I had a job for a few weeks. She assumed she was entitled to my money and she didn’t work. She tried to destroy me when I was 33 so I have not spoken to her in 5 years. As a child I was tired and have struggled with brain fog since a young age. I think I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I was so uncomfortable around her but that was my nervous system reacting to her BS. Not my fault.
I had similar experience. She was obsessed with my money, alimoney, pocket money was taken away from me and she felt to be entitled to my salary. Aggression, accussation, playing a victim, sufferer. I was called insulting names…I lost my childhood, had no toys, games, books, no fun. She turned me against my dad, Limited his rights. I isolated myself, because I started doubting in my mentality. I had my first depression when I was 12 years old. I had no energy to go to school. She didn’t work. She was pretending sick to avoid working to ruin my future, take my resources away so I couldn’t develop myself and go to work to provide for her. I refused and did what I wanted. I rejected her from my life.
thank you alexis
you verbalized and said it
in good English: my mom,
she used to infantilized me
(in my mind I grew up with
the strong feeling of not being
good enough and not being ready
to be a mother myself bcz of
"xyz" problems => always
her educational system (projection)
on me about what and when and
where and how and who with
(they themselves are so miserable
in a cage, constricted in
a disfunctional system)
trying to interfere with sick, malign
attitude in my financial life
moreover, when you mention
"brain fog" I finally had confirmation
I am not alone! I used to have
hard times in finding clarity
for my life goals, my feelings,
my boundaries, my values,
my standards
their constant attempt to
pull you into a trap bcz especially
as a kid you kind of trust them
(no choice, those are ur parents,
ur family members, ur envirnoment)
Don't worry, I feel the same way about my mother... My older sister tried to copy my mother's overprotective nature (I was the youngest daughter), but at least she was less annoying.
I had such narcissistic and abusive parents that I even as a little child developed a hole in my heart and scoliosis on my back... People knew me as the depressed, quiet and shy child. I felt so tired, weak, helpless and sick to my stomach ... But had no one and nowhere to go to... Today I'm a 33 year old teacher, cut all contact to those evil and nasty people with 20. But still no one has ever taken my suffering seriously and I gave up on people a long time ago. I will always feel the burden of such a childhood and youth on my shoulders.. The corners of my lips can't go up, the sadness is so heavy, it makes me sick. In my 20s I was always financially struggling because mentally I was on survival mode and couldn't concentrate on a steady career or finance plan. Then I developed a chronic illness named ulcerative colitis. I modelled once but suddenly became this 100 pounds overweight woman... People I knew were disgusted and turned their backs on me. Now that I have lost weight, have a good job and home, everyone is trying to snake their way back in but I won't allow those mofos back in my life ever again. People are nothing but disappointment. Neither compassion nor intellect. They make me sick.
So sorry you went through that. I too learned that you can't expect anything from people. It's only going to leave you disappointed.
Read The Human Magnet Syndrome
I did horrible in school as a kid, because of the fatigue, it was insane
yes, the brain cannot handle so much stress that fine motor skills/critical thinking skills go out the window. I had to go to remedial math and reading classes (5th grade ) because I could not grasp the material. Now, in my 50's and learning about what narc parents abuse does to their children.I made the connection between narc parent abuse and me going to those classes.
Inspite of being a deep thinker. I perform average in my MCA degree because of fatique.
And narcissist have plenty of energy to cause drama and despair.
Yes!!! I was labeld as having a diabilty in part because of them and trauma
Man would I live for you to spend a day with my mother and analyze her. She's the queen of narcissists.
There's never one single day of peace that goes by, not even in your sleep.
My mom is a emotional vampire and I walked away from her. No more, a 71 year old psychic vampire.
My 93 year old mother passed this year.
All I felt was relief.
She was sooooo needy all my life.
Her personna was the "sick" person. She used her poor health to get attention and manipulate.
She would call 911 if she felt lonely...and would forget what she told the 911 dispatcher was the health emergency when the EMTs arrived.
She had so many CT scans because she presented with "vague" symptoms.
I can relate to that.
This explains my chronic back pain.....felt like I worked construction for 30 years
check out 'Dr Sarno' and his work
I only wish I had known this fifty years ago
Me too ❤
Me too!!
Same here!
And me too, 55 years ago 😢
@veronica11821 but ye do now.
My mother passed away a couple of years ago. I still remember, that, nearly every time we spent time together, as soon as she left my house, I felt completely drained. There where instances when I had to lay on the ground physically, because I couldn´t stand [her] any more. I still felt obligated to be her (emotional) caregiver. I was adopted. I always had the feeling that I have to be thankful for being adopted instead of living in foster care or a childrens home. Being adopted by an - in this case emotionally "unwell" mother (and father btw) - doesn´t make it easier to find (and maintain) your own and helthy boundaries. Thank you for this video, Mr. Wise
Their negative energy makes you accident prone around them too..they hex you when they look at you...wear 🧿 or ✝️ around them
True
I noticed the same thing, I'm forgetful and clumsy around her.
Being on eggshells all the time is exhausting !! Having them make everything about them is exhausting as well.
Whenever I was around my mother, I really felt how much she would drain my energy, ever since I was a little girl. By making me doing a lot of household choirs. This wasn't really happening with my sister that often, because my sister respected my boundaries. However my mother never learned to respect my boundaries and kept repeating the same cycle of toxicity, by comparing me even as an adult... All because, she wasn't able to function on her own...😒
When I visit my parents for a day or two… when I go to leave or just run an errand in their town, I notice I am really messed up/disoriented/thrown off by the visit … I only notice this when I get behind the wheel of my car and am like “dude, you gotta focus!!” because it will feel foreign for a few minutes, like when you haven’t driven a car in a few weeks or when you’re behind the wheel of a car you’ve never driven. Does anyone else get feelings like this? It happens especially if certain interactions happen and obviously I am not taking the bait or responding but it has some odd effect internally, I think?
I'm exactly like that when I've been talking with my parents. They "get in my head" and it's all I can think of. I swear it's like every thought is about them and our conversations. It's to the point where I forget what I'm doing because I'm that deep into what they have been talking to me about or just what not.
My narc FSA (family Scapegoat abuse) started from birth. I'm 16 months woke with 32 months to go. The brain fog crippled me to the point I couldn't focus enough to use my tape measure effectively & I've been in construction for the past 35 years...
@@keithstewart7514 I'm literally just waking up to this abuse. Like you, I've been the scapegoat my whole life. It seems like there would be periods of ramped up abuse versus periods of stagnation if you will. I've done construction off and on my whole life and like you I would just get stuck in thought about the past and situations that didn't make sense at the time and now do. I never even knew about this side of people until I don't know like the past 6 years ago.
I'm 63 years old next year. Not now but about 5 years a go, I didnt know why, but every time I visited my mother, I got very tired around her. She didn't even have to act up. I just felt exhausted around her. It was weird.
I think in some subconscious way narcs affect you more than you realize. I moved farther away from her and God only knows why. Because when I was close to her, I tried to visit her every day for a few minutes and it was not very pleasant most times. She is old and I care for her. But thank God, she can still do things for herself. I don't want to be around someone toxic to me all the time. I'm old too.
Yes. It is common to mentally break down and become disoriented and have brain fog. It happens for simple things I know how to do and I just feel paralyzed to complete the task or achieve my goals. As a child, my narcissistic parents always tried to make me look stupid, especially when it involved doing chores, so that they can berate me in how useless, dumb, or childish.
I just saw my mother today, and I was talking with my brother afterwards. I told him that spending time with her is like driving a long distance, exhausting while sitting for hours.
Yes. I got sick in 2021 and couldn't work for awhile. So I ended up not being able to work and had to move back in with my mother. I ended up getting a job and it enabled me to work from home. My mother will charge in at any given time. Even if she see that I am busy conversing with a client. She will rudely interrupt me speaking with them and make it all about her. If she realize that I get frustrated she start to pout in a sense. She will hear me conversing with my son about something and will rudely interject. I was so depressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed feeling a few weeks ago. I had to withdraw, listen to sermons, worship God, and rest. They honestly don't care about anyone or anything but themselves . It is VERY draining and exhausting. They can and will point out others flaws and shortcomings. Even if they have to make up something about them along the way. But act as if they can NEVER see where they are wrong or admit their faults.
Wow, I thought it was only my parents who did this kinda stuff. I fully understand having been through the exact same experience myself.
Narcissts are the fools, that Jesus warns us about not to be in contact bc they are energie-suckers.
My "mother" is a narcisstic psychopath.
Preach!
My covert narc's mother's incessant lying , projecting , criticizing , triangulation , insulting and most everything you mention here made me so overwhelmed and exhausted that I had a couple of episodes of 'hysterical blindness' at 16 years of age . This was so frightening that I actually forgot about it for years . I had already went no contact at 26 - the fates granted me the relief by her death six years later .
I have been in every behavioral hospital in my city. Suicidal, homicidal, completely broken inside until I walked away from her for good.
@@deshunallen8486 Yes narc mothers have a special kind of darkness and they make their child going insane. Sending you so much love!!
I realized mine was a narc like my dad and brother after dad died, I think hers came out when my dad died and she is twisted how she defends my narc brother after knowing they screwed me not him. I just use eft Techniques and other techniques and fend them off but also helps me not lose my stuff when they are trying to make you angry and reactive. Those are free to learn. I find most of the time they go away when I tap. I can’t wait to make money and get away from the one I live with and the others are already kept away by me mostly.
The covert narcotics mother: the biggest demon that ever lived, can’t wait til mine kicks the bucket
Cutting contacts and being alone, gives you a lot of inner strength and peace. You are better of without them, learn to appreciate lone peace.
Yes. I started crying yesterday evening. Because I was trying to converse with my mom last night about something. Then she immediately started to obviously ignore me, dismiss me, and was rude to me. I started crying. Then this Allstate commercial came on and I smiled and said I know that was you God. Thanks. Because HE told me a while ago to tell others that they were in good hands like Allstate. I even saw an Allstate commercial early this morning as a reminder. Thanks for this video again. Thanks for sharing. I pray your strength in the Lord in the mighty and matchless name of Jesus Christ of NAZARETH. The name above ALL names. AMEN. 💜💛❤️
Have you ever tried to do internal family systems? It really helped me around this kind of stuff with my mother.
Christ ; your in good hands... I will remind myself of this. Thank you and CHEERS..
Ladenna, have you ever thought of trying to limit your mother's contact with you in some way ? Like only being available for emergencies, etc ? It sounds like your mental health is getting torn up by here treatment of you. Even if you didn't choose to go no- contact at all, you are free to at least control WHEN she'd be able to contact you in the future. You should not have to be crying on a weekend.
Totally true. I've just recently realized how drawning monological conversations are. I have an overt narcissistic father in law. As he was constantly using anything what I've said against me, I reduced my reaction to nodding. Last time he talked 3 hours straight without bothering that I haven't replied any words, just nodding. Still it got me tired. My brain was exhausted. Emotionally it was also draining to get a look into his irrealistic fantasy world and keeping myself distanced from it. (At one point he talked about what advise would he give to God when he will be finally in front of him as certain thing in the world are not ok. Related to a lawsuit he just lost about one acre of farmland.) It took me one day to recover mentally. It's like brainwashing.
People like that are extremely toxic and totally draining. I call them energy vampires. I advise you to distance yourself whenever you can. You don't deserve that kind of assault to your nervous system, nobody does.
Everytime I interacted with my covert narc mother she always made me look at all her stuff every single time it's draining to have to admire all her yard stuff and if I don't do it good enough she was offended !!
That sounds more like autism than narcissism
External validation.
@@David-eu1ms not really how that works in narcissists, who usually are not object focused in their desire for validation.
You should be careful with throwing around terms if you can't match the criteria more accurately.
Most definitely want admiration fie their material things
@tinapearson8753 then your diagnosis is likely incorrect, you should research further or consider co-morbidities.
Congrats to you for diagnosing people without medical training, we need more uninformed judgemental people in the world.
Growing up, I didn't have fatigue, but anxiety around my family. However, I was prone to all kinds of illnesses. At age 21, I got viral encephalitis from a mosquito bite, one symptom was severe fatigue. My mother was upset when I got the proper diagnosis.
Wow. I'm so sorry that you went through that. But I'm grateful that you chose to share that information. Because I have been going through a health issue since 2021. It seems as though when one of the doctors showed genuine concern, 6 seemed like I was being close to being diagnosed with something. It angered her. It is unfortunate how they refuse to see how they can be truly hurt others. They can see where other people are wrong. They even make things up about others and accuse them of hurting them. But they refuse to admit when they are wrong.
@@ladennayoung2939
Well said!
i really don't know why family court gives loonie mothers custody over stable dads. seems they want messed up young people. also means the wife mother can act like a complete tyrant and if the father doesn't like it it means she gets soul custody. No reason for her to compromise on anything ever. I'm sorry you had a mother like that, best advice for young teen boys of single mothers is spend all spare time doing part time jobs or in sport and move out ASAP. I hate seeing teen boys being their mothers handbags at shoping centres saturday mornings, should be waging war on a sports feild somewhere. Feels like constant wing clipping.
The ultmate goal of narcissists is to crush you, make you a failure, and make you sick.
My narc inlaws are DRAINING. both covert narcs and they drain you in different ways. My MIL is so old and doesn't understand/care about violating your personal space. Why are you so close? She's watched me breastfeed. It was...weird. my FIL loooooves monologues! When my husband and I bought our first house he went on a full 20-30 minute rant about what it means to buy a house, what we need to do. My husband is so used to it he zoned out but i wanted to tell him stfu we are adults. I felt my face melting.
I feel your pain! I was so relieved when my mil moved to a different state to be with her youngest daughter. I could tell my husband was different, too (almost relieved, but he would never admit that). She moved in near us after my in-laws divorced and mostly just took advantage of us. After my eyes were opened over the last 5-6 years, I have distanced myself to low/no contact and it was the best thing I ever did. I think anyone that grew up this way thinks it is "normal" because while I think my husband would like to break free, he has always been told that "family is everything" and "you need to get along." I married the oldest and only son and his three younger sisters saw him more of a father figure because their own dad was not a great one (he passed away 2 years ago). So much drama and we were always being pulled into the middle. I have so much peace since letting go.
@s.s.8029 i too have gone low contact. For the same reasons you mentioned, i can't fully go no contact bc my husband will not go no contact. He knows they are toxic as hell but he's conditioned to feel guilt about NC. He has established boundaries and we live several states away so that helps. With therapy i now understand what I'm dealing with and i cant go back. I blocked them for my sanity. I grayrock when i actually have to interact with them. Their visits are limited and they can't stay at our house. It's the only way to survive.
@@cassien7585 thankfully we do not have room to have guests. When we would host them it felt like they took over my home and it was no longer my own. I accidentally ruined Christmas one year trying to make sure everything was perfect. I definitely grateful rock when needed! It is hard, but necessary.
@s.s.8029 they can't stay with us because we have no more room and they blew up in our house. That was the last time and now their privileges are revoked. They also take over the house and that's draining too. My husband told my overbearing FIL we just had our 3rd kid. We have no room for you to stay. His response " what will my community think? Can you make room?". Unbelievable and entitled.
@@cassien7585 my in-laws would just show up whenever and without calling. My mil would just send dhs nephew down without asking if my boys or I were busy. Very maddening and I could write a book! God bless you!
Omg, my dad went through a crisis last year. He was calling me constantly - mandating 3 hours a day. He'd call repeatedly, sometimes 30 times a day while repeating the same grandiose and paranoid crud. If I didn't answer, he'd stalk me. He ended up buying a burial plot for both himself and me next to each other. I said I didn't think it was necessary and he said it was to see how things played out. Considering he pulled out a gun on the family before, asked me to pretend to be his side piece, would strangle my mom, abuse my little sister, kept me in the basement every evening when I was little, etc - I was either having full blown panic attacks constantly or feeling completely numb. I can't hear my old phone ring or vibrate anymore without panicking - so I have a new phone with a new number. I had left home while still in high school, and wish I hadn't reconnected in my 40s. Should have just trusted myself in the first place.
I'm having a similar problem with my N Dad but he's in constant crisis. He'll create them if he can't find one to latch onto. Texts and calls up to 30 times a day. Constant rages and rants. The sound of my phone makes me panic and freeze. No matter what I do or don't do, I'm hooped either way. Petulant childish tantrums. Good God I'm always energy depleted and exasperated beyond belief. 😢
I’m also watching this video because of my rotten to the core narc father. He used to call me 20 times a day, leaving messages filling my mailbox, barricading important messages for my future. He was financially supporting me through school. The ups and downs the sudden cut offs of resources if I didn’t cater to his incessant harassment. He thought he had me hook line and sinker when as I neared the completion of my degree, he would act out even further and without fear of consequences because he knew I was eager to graduate. Well as of July, I made the awesome decision to never speak to him again. It’s not harsh. This paragraph is a microscopic viewpoint. I’m so elated at my new freedom. My energy is through the roof and I have never felt so independent and hopeful as I do now. The fact that I don’t have to see his grotesque face, hear his disgusting voice, jump when my phone rings,…..all i can say is the best things in life are undoubtedly free. Free!
Scary shit, stay safe and strong.
You can still disengage, you can do anything you want regarding them. Gray rock, etc. Trust yourself. If it's harming you RUN Good luck😊❤
Sociopath😢
This affirms me in feeling less guilty about my very few and very short interactions with her. I remember feeling so spiritually and physically weak a few years ago until i started maintaining my distance. Narcissist carry a very dark spirit.
Boy, I can relate to "monological conversations".
It always hits hard, realising what I did live for 30 years in! All this happenned and I survived. Now, it's over a half of the year since I cut it off completely. The family I was born to takes it as I rejected them, hurt them and left them. Because I am the bad one, hurting and having problem... I was clearly said, after all, that "I did all this to myself", they do not see themselves being responsible for anything... And as always, I was called "not taking any joke" ... when I asked them for help and dialogue... did hurt so bad. But I survived. I just still cannot believe that it is a whole family a had to escape from. All of them. And how "they work together well against me" in this... It will be a year, next Friday, when I decided to take the sick leave, antidepressives and finally fight it. Heal from it, gain everything that I really deserve as a human... and I dare to say, that I am good, well-wishing man, all the good that this life offers. Without them. It was my very best decision ever taken! 🙏🏻 Not because I want to punish or because I do not love them them, as they think and said behind my back (found out once)... but because I finally found myself and because I decided I want to be happy, feel understood and heard and beforemost feel safe and "normal". ✊🏻👍🏻
I’m going through the same thing at the moment. Currently off work and on medication. 2 years ago I spoke to my mom about how she and my dad were treating me and that I wasn’t happy with it. She then turned the whole family against me and my dad doesn’t speak to me anymore. About 6 months ago I started having panic attacks and crippling anxiety. I can’t believe I was born to such evil parents
There is light at the end of the tunnel. In my mid 30s I took responsibility for my own healing. I found myself a husband who loves and supports the person I became. I just recently started learning about CPTSD and narcissistic parental abuse. It is helping me polish off some of the rough spots in my personality. I think that is an on going process. Hang in there it gets better and is so worth it.
@@VintageQuirky-ql4hc I love how you put that 'rough spots in your personality'! Perfect description. I totally relate. Hugs to everyone struggling with severely traumatized and emotionally stunted family members! You don't need them. You are just trauma bonded to crazy people.
Congratulations for finally valuing yourself enough to distance yourself from these toxic people. My advice is to stay away and to slowly build up your self-esteem and your life. Never blame yourself instead congratulate yourself every day on your strengths and determination to leave your toxic family and never question yourself and never ever look back. Good luck on this new journey towards a happy and fulfilling life.❤
@@aj1987Well, if your father can not speak to you- for telling the truth,no less- you are certainly free to go no contact with them,if that's something you want to do. Sometimes,it's either them, or you when it comes to wellbeing.
What I’m going through right now with my family. Heartbreaking 💔
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can find the strength and inner peace to stand strong ❤️
Yes. That is why you have to go no contact at times. It can be hard but necessary. Because you are alone when dealing with these types of people anyway.
Same. It’s so awful
It's not your fault. Remember that. Warm hugs.
You were a child. A child needs nurturing. That's what a child needs. It's not a want. I had narcissistic parents. They were role playing being parents. They have no idea what they were doing bringing kids into the world. It took me years to realise that. It made them socially acceptable having kids. I survived to adulthood. Along the way however, I lost my two siblings . People would think we would be closer for our common experience as siblings. But it's not. I am now 47 years old. My elder sister told me I am dead to her. As a kid, she was mean beyond belief towards me. Mother encouraged it. As teenagers briefly, we reconnected. Then she turned my friends against me claiming I was a bully to her. I have done nothing to her ever. My brother who was always stoic even as the eldest child- don't even mention it
Why? My parents are still alive. I have spent so much of my life suffering without knowing why. The world isn't built for people who lack confidence. I am working on it. No drama. I am sorry my parents did not get help. Times were different. Still hurts but. Thanks for video.
I was blamed for a lot of things, accused of some horrendous things.
I left my country and my parents back in 1996. Never felt guilty once about it. Best thing I have done! Don’t understand why anyone stays in relationship that doesn’t work
Because sometimes leaving will bring problems with it. It can often be very complicated.
Well, my card is all full here! I'm just calling it - BLACKOUT BINGO!! 😂
😅
This is the first time I am hearing about "monological conversations" and I would say it is THE main indiator my Mom truly is a narcissist. Every conversation ever with her makes me feel like the "audience". In fact, when we are on the phone and she can't see I'm paying attention, she'll say, "hello?", "Hello!!" periodically if I zone out and forget to "mmm-hmmm" or "oh" every so often.
Not to mention constantly having to defend my own opinions. Like, she needs people to agree with her, it doesn't matter how trivial. I always knew "talking" with her was exhausting, but I never knew why. Yikes.
This video is so true. My parents isolated me as a child. Really, my mother did who ran the house. We rarely went over to other relative's houses.
I remember years ago when I used to talk with my mother more on the phone. Talk about a monological conversation. She would go on and on. I could barely get a word in, and I had a hard time getting off of the phone with her. She would "triangulate" by complaining about my dad, or anyone else. When I got off the phone with her, I felt like a psychic vampire had sucked out half of my life force through the phone.
Both of my parents were highly narcissistic, and my dad would have the monologue "conversation ". He would talk for 2-3 hours straight. Thankfully, they're both dead now. I've been in a few social situations recently where this happens frequently. It seems like more and more people are like this, and it's disturbing. I can't have a decent conversation anymore. It's always all about them. I'm Empath/HSP, so I know I attract these types of people, but dang, it's a sh!t storm out here.
My dad will call and I put the phone down and do other things. Come back and he never skipped a beat... Still talking. It's crazy. These people are mentally ill.
i haven't had a real conversation in years. YEARS. you aren't alone in your assumption.
Oh the monological conversations. They do all the talking, whether it be about something great they did or something bad someone did to them, and you're expected do the listening. And they expect this treatment time and time again. It's so draining.... I actually had to stop picking up an acquaintance's phone calls because she only talked about herself, for two hours at a time. She considered us friends, but there was no mutuality, no concern for me, so I let her go. I've had to do the same with family too.
@jerrywise
Can you please do a video on what healthy families look like? Maybe like a situation where this is how narcissist respond but a healthy parent would respond this way.
I think millions of people only know dysfunction families! How are we suppose to know what healthy family is? My mom says 99% of families operate dysfunctionally?
Thanks for all you do😊
Good idea
Very very good idea😊😊 👍👍
I wish too that we would be taught about healthy families in schools and that we could break the cycle so we don't end up making our kids suffer too.
@gabrielledennis4103 in a healthy family a mother breastfeeds and stays with the baby until the child is old enough , around two years old old...she does not
@gabrielledennis4103 in a healthy family a mother breastfeeds and stays with the baby until the child is old enough , around two years old old...she does not
I was recently diagnosed with ITP which causes fatigue. When my narc mom found out she was angry at me! She felt it was an excuse not to be emotionally and physically available to her😢 24/7
I can almost hear the sarcasm: "yeah, you're sick aren't you?"
I believe narcissists are terrified individuals
Terrified of being exposed
Very validating. You explained the layers and nuance well.
I'm glad it was helpful, thanks for watching
New vocabulary word for me, and so descriptive of the narcissists in my life:
monologic conversation. Wow. Thank you for sharing, Jerry.
“Monological conversation” is 💯 🔥
My mother is a narcissist combined with schizoid personality disorder. I have to take care of her bcs she is in initial stages of dementia. I am exhausted just after one hour of being with her.
I have a parent who is a neglectful narcissist and not only do they not care about me, they are kind of opposite in conversations in that I used to try to have dialogue discussions with them but they just didn’t and don’t care about me or my feelings, opinions, etc. That is extremely frustrating and depressing. I feel like I don’t matter. Any advice for this conundrum?
The narcissist is incapable of change. No expectations on your part are probably the healthiest thing you can offer yourself.
It sucks, I know. I have lived this, as well. It took decades for me to come to this conclusion. I hope you are young enough to have a trusted individual in your life who can share what a wonderful life it is.
Same
There is nothing you can do other than accept their behavior for what it is (mentally ill) and eventually it won't trigger you. Think about it this way: would you be upset with a paranoid schizophrenic for constantly being paranoid, or be upset with someone who has seizures, for having seizures? Or be upset with a two year old for having a tantrum? Of course not. You must learn to see narcissistic behavior in the same way, they don't have a choice and are incapable of behaving differently. It is truly a mental illness that needs to be recognized as such, instead of thinking of their behavior as as aspect of their personality over which they have any real control. They don't, they don't even see their behavior as abnormal, and no matter what you say or do, they never will. They will always blame everyone else for they way they are.
@andrewterry8092 I am having a problem with the nothing you can do about it part of your message. If the behavior is tearing others down, of course, there is action that can be taken. Protect oneself comes to mind. I say this with respect; believe the behavior and the patterns that are presented.
Dad….monological conversations. I didn’t realize they had a phrase for it. 😮
I could check every item you listed. All through childhood, then 14 years in a bad marriage. I'm out of the marriage, but the parents are still there. I keep my distance, but that takes effort, too.
Unreasonable demands on your time 😩💯
Their crazy-go-round is exhausting while they force us to navigate through their eggshells.
I like how you put it "very exhausting to have to deal with". That's just it. Some people who haven't experienced that would never understand how exhausting it really is.
They also refuse to let you rest by criticizing you and calling you lazy every time you do.
They also treat you like slaves, and expect you to do all the work and lots of favours without pitching in themselves.
Some deliberately keep you in a state of exhaustion and/or sleep deprivation because you'll be more suggestible.
My dad would take a break from smoking cigarettes and gambling to pull a crumbled up to-do list out of pocket and start hitting it saying "Take care of business! Gotta take care of business!" A bathroom break is seen as slacking. When I was doing something and took a quick break, he would take my tools and put them up or just hide one them to play stupid games. Then family calls me up to tell me how ashamed I should be for upsetting my dad. Rinse, repeat.
What a great list! I haven't heard it so well detailed and in-depth before.
Glad it was helpful, thanks for watching
I hate my "family"
I wish I had the energy and motivation to write my comment.😂
That sums up every single detail of my mother. Thanks
You’re very welcome, thanks for watching
What’s most exhausting for me is that she accuses me of every single one of these bullet points I’ve suffered all my life. I finally realized I didn’t have to set the record straight. Now I can just be quiet and listen and she’ll just keep it coming. I could be wearing a green and she’ll be wearing and orange sweater green and she’ll accuse me of wearing orange the orange sweater and she the green sweater. But she’s very clever and studies narcissistic abuse as if she’s the one that needs it from me so she uses that information to gaslight me into believing I’m the one wearing the orange sweater.
I always cringe when people talk about how much they love their wonderful parents . I have only recently begun to understand why I feel that way. I was fed, clothed and housed but not really valued as anything more than an extension of them. I never measured up to their goals and expectations for me and wasn't encoraged to have my own.
Thank you for your video, Jerry! My mom was a spoiled child and a narcissist! Everything had to go her way or otherwise the entire family (including my dad) would be unhappy and would have to pay for her emotional outburst! As a result, my first wife was also a spoiled narcissist, who was beautiful and cheated on me every time I was not around. I'm glad that I finally learned what a narcissist is and can do to your emotional level! Your video perfectly describes all of the narcissists that I have encountered during my sixty-six + years of living!
I think no matter if we are narcissists or not, we do all have these triads. Its called ego...
As a teenager I would be allowed to stay home alone when parents went on vacation. I remember how calm and good the house felt. That's when it felt like "home" and I marveled at how nice it was to be home. When mom was there it was a volatile mine field and I hid in my room.
"Psychological infant in an adult's body" is so accurate. Thank you!
Welcome!❤️
Yes Jerry you said it so well. EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!
This was a great video! I like how you considered so many points that we could apply our own instances to that have happened to us.
I thought of another point: the rumination and overthinking, that even when we aren’t with them, we are analyzing what happened/how hurt or affected we feel, thinking of what we will do/say when they treat us badly/thinking of ways to be busy next time they want to see us/the dread of holidays or occasions when you’ll be expected to see them.
There is no rest and no peace
I can definitely identify with that. When you just want to be left alone, and not be bother with their annoying/toxic ways, they think something is wrong with you.
If that's not projection, blame shifting, and gaslighting I don't know what is.
I agree
@@taeblu368 yes, you are blamed for not being a good Christian because you can't forgive, you are a bad person for needing boundaries and space because you are pushing them away or not letting them see your kids alone on their terms, you are to blame. There is never any introspection on their part, just you are blamed for having had enough.
My mother is a pure punisher guilting screaming for 5 minutes can’t here a word I say so as I have to shout yet she hers ever creek I make when I tread without a noise on the corridor
Compulsive day dreaming throughout childhood is not normal. I was always in another world growing up.
One way conversation is also just an agreement from you on all their varied opinions on everything. They are telling you "validate this."
Yes. it is draining. My mother won't maintain a clean home and says she doesn't have to do it and that I should care for my mother. I try to explain that first responders won't be able to enter her house to help, because of the hoarding on her porch. She mentions they can enter through the back door. I mention if there's a fire in the kitchen, they won't enter through the back door to rescue her. I've given up on the topic and just hope there's never an emergency where first responders need to help her.
I am not sure if everyone in my life was a Narcissist but I do see a lot of those traits in them.. There are still plenty of people in my life that have those traits and I need to know ways how to deal with them..
Many of these toxic things can be very hard to notice, especially when it's a person that you think is on your side (because he/she should be). When you spend time with a good, genuine person, you feel inner warmth that can be hard to explain, but when it's the other way around, you feel cold. TRY to do everything you can NOT to get cold, because it can make you permanently ill. I know it's easier said than done, but atleast try to fight against it. Fighting against illness IS hard, especially if you are on your own, but it's not impossible. My grandmother was warm, but my mother is cold, and those things you simply can't fake. I'm warm, but my brother got sick, which still makes me indirectly (even if I'm not seeing him) feel cold, and that makes me very sad.
I wish I had met Jerry Wise like 2 or 3 decades earlier before my mum, biological mother did a lot of damage on me
As a teen going to high school I got up at 6a to catch the school bus then after school went straight to a job at night for years. I hardly ever saw my parents.
Excellent, relevant and spot on. Wish I knew this decades ago. Thank you Jerry. Very very 'wise' insight.
You're very welcome, I’m glad it was helpful
Thank you Jerry really appreciate your teaching.
You are very welcome
Well timed video, as I'm noticing over the last year or so that I have very little energy left anymore. These Ns are like toxic sludge that _(try as you may)_ constantly are spilling onto _your lane_ ....just pure physically, emotionally, mentally exhausting!!
The two Ns I have in my life want so badly to be seen as _the almighty_ and yet they're both useless. Both are being propped up within their lives by outside sources...in other words, they have others _(mainly me in the case of our N father and a social worker in my N brother’s case)_ doing all their dirty work, but go around telling you just how much _they have it together,_ and yet how difficult life is for each of them. The more others do for them the more invalid they just keep becoming... _(though I didn't think that was possible.)_
EVERY thing, EVERY conversation is brought right back onto them without so much as any validation as to what you might have just said...no inquiring follow-up questions or statements when it comes to these one way monologues with them. Repeat…and more repeating.
One N is an older brother whose mission in life has been to live _mooching_ off the system over his lifetime; constantly complaining about any imaginary made-up ailment and then seeking out unnecessary medical treatments and surgeries, so much so that he's now almost unable to walk and he uses his condition as his _carte blanche_ …getting out of any work, responsibilities, and especially now, avoiding helping out with our narcissistic elder father's last years. _(BUT, this N brother is playing long-ball by having his eye on the estate, though. No surprise there, right??)_
Oddly though, I've found the more he's gotten away with in life and the better off he's living _(after decades of sucking off the state)_ the more unhappy, suspicious and greedier he's become. Not many responsibilities other than making sure he stays sickly and still he's miserable. Decades of state a$$i$tance and for what?? It was like funded money flowing through a sieve…yet no improvement, nor satisfaction. He’s living a life far better than he ever provided for himself and yet he's just miserable. Trying to converse with him is absolutely painful; hearing about every created ache and ailment. Any suggestions are shot down…all his life it’s been as if he’s wanted to be sick, BUT also constantly vent about it by monopolizing all conversations. Complain, but then do nothing about it.
Last night we had strong words about this and this time I didn’t hold back so much. Anytime he perceives any pressure on him all I hear come from his mouth is "I, I, I this, I that...". I mentioned that may he never have to live a day in my shoes spending most of my time overseeing our Narc elder father and his home without little help or compensation, and then see how much time he’d have to obsessively focus on all his perceived conditions. It should come as no surprise that I am the realist in the family. After taking _this_ from our narc father I can’t take on more of it from a useless sibling, as well.
These Ns are absolutely needy and dead-weight humans who have nothing to offer those in their lives. "Emotionally unavailable" would be a great big understatement. The funny thing is how _loudly_ they go about being so useless, as if to reassure themselves how fabulous they are. Their vocalized efforts here are lost on me.
yes I do, I am exhausted, and I see no end to this.
This might offer some hope and freedom
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/. Thank you for watching. Sad to hear you are so exhausted. You are not alone.
I am exhausted. Truly
Excuse me sir, have you met my family? In particular my mother? I had to move back in during covid, I had only moved out for a few years. At 36, I was depressed, tired and left reeling from being let go from my job which I hated but needed the money. Since moving back with my now older mom and father it's been awful on my psyche and body. My older siblings that want nothing to do with my mother and have their own issues, have been useless and pile on to make things worse. I just want to move out and continue with my life. I've learned that some people are not interested in getting help, getting better or changing. I will not become this person and have learned that I am separate from my mother and me family. I choose to be happy and live a happy life. Thank you for making this video.
I unscrew the light bulbs in my room when she is here🎉😂 otherwise il be woken up in the middle of the night with bright lights. Bc she is looking for someone or something...like a toddler all day long. You're so right Jerry. I do find ways around the intentional annoyances. But it is tiring.
Oh yes I've Dealt with this my Whole Life!!! I'm surrounded by Toxic People ( Old People,not just Adult Children) I'm exhausted,they take all my Energy!!
Same list for toxic spouses.
True
And children still keep suffering from this monsters get traumatized and can not find way to escape. Why there is no law against them? Things like that is legal for psyhotherapist have more clients?
Yep, still in energy recovery mode after two years ...and invisible too
Omg😮 it's like you're talking to me about my house. Both my parents do all of these things, with the financial exploitation, they withold money
Ugh. Def with them it’s like the “terrible twos” isn’t just a phase. It’s forever like some dismal purgatory.
That’s where I am now tho. I get tired of having to always tread water to fend off all the “permeating lies” and to put up tons of boundaries to ward off attacks.
Can’t wait to actually move. Lol. Even tho now it’s lower contact, it’s getting to the point to where I feel it needs to be even lower and so I see moving further away as a great way to sort of put myself in a better situation that has more “built in” boundaries. Ones that are there already that I don’t always have to keep holding up myself. It’s both exhausting dealing with them AND keeping them at bay. I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping them at bay, but that too is also tiring. Less tiring than putting up with their abuse, but I still have to reserve a certain amount of my energy for “self defense” and to take “security measures.” It’s like having another part time job.
When I was younger, for sure the defining feeling for me was often exhaustion. I was just plain tired so many times. (I noticed I was often a lot more tired than other folks my age).
Malignant definitely stood out to me. And chronic stress. My father is a malignant narc and covert. Mom is a devouring mother/covert. It's no wonder why im typically low on energy.
This was a full description of my 26yr marriage! I had chronic fatigue for the last 10yrs of it. I couldn’t figure out how it happened and why I couldn’t get better! Now I fully understand and taking serious steps to leave.
Oppositional behavior is also exhausting. Everything you say is wrong and they say the opposite. Even if later on they reverse their position to oppose you again.
truth.
Thank you sir now I realize these are reasons why!!!😢
Great summary, I totally agree with eveything you said. Just listening to you list all the things that are exhausting about narcissistic relationships made me exhausted. Somehow it just brought it all home. Thanks for the validation. We all need it because we tend to forget how difficult it is to deal with a narcissist on a regular basis. We need to give ourselves extra care and credit.
Being a child of a narcissist, my parent just didn't deal with my needs. I was a need not want not child so I never asked for anything.