Focus on FORGIVING yourself, NOT the narcissist
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- Опубліковано 27 лют 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Forgive yourself for believing their lies , for their nasty behavior and wasting so much time and effort to make the relationship work.
It was never a misunderstand for compromise
It was a malicious attack
❤
Dr. Ramani,
I bought your audio book from Amazon.
Thank you. In my healing from a narcissistic child,
I realized that I did not love myself.
I was a "placeholder " in my family. I have not been burdened by scapegoat issues.
I never really I thought I was anything but a placeholder.
I loved my husband and children, but never considered myself.
Thanks to you, I am learning to love myself and forgiveness, but do not forget the narcissist evil.
God bless you ❤️ 🙏
This speaks SO much truth for me
Very much agreed✨💯
I want justice too.
I think it's okay to forgive people that are truly sorry. Narcissistic people are just sorry they got caught and then will continue to harm others.
Basically She Was Talking About.....A NARC They The ONLY ONES Act Like The Devil Children 💯
Exactly. These monsters are NEVER truly sorry. Even if they were, I'm not obligated to forgive them for ruining my childhood and young adult life.
It's forgiveness *if* it produces a good outcome. Otherwise, it's just permitting evil. Forgive yourself, feel less guilty, that's a good outcome. Forgive someone who is truly sorry, you repair your relationship with them, that's a good outcome. Forgive the little things that someone does without realising that annoy you, it clears away the silly little things that are hurting your relationship, that's a good outcome. "Forgive" a narcissist for abusing you, that emboldens them to abuse you some more, that's a *bad* outcome - that's not forgiveness, that's permitting evil.
@@matthewwakeling4978 what a good comment.
Forgiving Yourself
1/ Understanding Narcissitic Relationships.
2/ Recognize your Vulnerabilities
3/ Practice Self Compassion
4/ Seeking Support
5/ Cut Ties With The Narcissist
6/ Set Boundaries
7/ Forgive UrSelf.
My Horrific Experience Narcissitic Abuse Is Brutal It's The Loneliest Relationship Ever..
thankyou ✌️💜🖤🕊️🕊️
@@acharyaindu Absolutely 🙏
It’s difficult to forgive someone who has treated you so badly, without any real reason and of top of that blaming you for everything
Oh absolutely but it will take the burden off your shoulders. What is the point of holding onto resentment when the other person does not care how you feel?
Many things in life worth doing are hard. Just do it quietly and don't tell them. At least that helps a bit.
DON'T Get GASLIT She Was Just Talking About..... Family n Outsiders Will Try To Make YOU FEEL BAD For Cherishing YOUR MIND/ Feeling. That's Discernment To STAY AWAY n Heal Because They Don't Care About You. I Knew Something Was WRONG With THIS FORGIVE The DEVIL 'S MENTALITY 🤔 IT'S Reverse Then You Don't Feel Nothing About Them Like Forgetting To Think About Them Or Want To Give Them ✋ HIGH FIVE For Running YOU OFF! 🥳💯
Yup, and then moving on to higher status supply and acting all nice to them and their fancy friends/family
"I forgive you."
Narcissist: "Good. Then hopefully you will stop with all your behaviors that forced me to act the way I did. I hope you will improve." GASLIGHT!
Don't tell them you forgive them. You don't even have to be around then
YEAH 👍😂 IT Wouldn't Help NO WAY Forgiving Them.....They Will Turn Around And Attack You For Being Gullible.
Forgiveness is not being around them again. Forgiveness is a personal decision to help you have strength to move on without hate in your heart
“I forgive you.”
Narcissist: “Cool, that means it’s ok & I’ll definitely be doing this again!”
@@Nibiru3600X You don't have to tell the narcissist that you forgive them. Knowledge is power, so it would be wiser not to let them know.
Whoever is unlucky enough to get trapped in a narcissistic relationship, enters the BIZZARRO WORLD❗️
With tons of Crappolie
My God yes. So close to reality that it sends you mad. Surely we can sue them for damage.
The concept of radical acceptance fits for me, rather than "forgiveness", when it comes to these evil narc entities. I will not ever forgive my mother for the evil she perpetrated on me for 56 years starting when I was a baby. (Went no contact 4 years ago). But I now radically accept her just as she is. She is who/what she is, and she will never change. I accept that, because it is the truth and I can plainly see it now!
I accept her, but I no longer have to give her any space in my life, or in my heart. I am free!
that is where i am at to be honest. although i have no proof, just feelings etc. so i'm always worried i'm mistaken. i failed to maintain no contact. evry time i was no contact i felt the same way your '!' implied that you did. i worry now, being quite old now, that i will regret my lack of ability to go no contact, but i have nightmares about missing her if she were to leave this planet and only the awful relationship partly my fault many times, to look back on, all those gifts not bought for her etc.
I can relate to your comment. I worked so hard to get my Mom's love and attention from the time I was a wee one until the time she died. I always knew that I loved her. I never felt loved by her. So after my Dad died I brought Mom to my home. She required so much assistance physically from symptoms of MS. She lived with me for 7 horrific months until she asked me to find her a nursing home. I loved her so much. I felt so responsible for her and the care she required. It was tough and sad and she hurt me a ton. But I did what I felt was right for her and for me. She was never able to reciprocate that she loved me...only through her last words. Took me a while to accept them but I chose to hold on to the expression of love rather than live a life of anger in what she couldn't give me. Hope this helps. 🩷🌷
Learning To LOVE Yourself MORER Than A Person..... Including Your Mom. MOST Know The Draw The Bond Hard To Break Once Taught To Put Up With. I Prepared Myself Wayyyyyy Before Passing. Forgiving SELF Is The Beginning.... Confirmation Have To Be Easy On Yourself WHEN I Know I Did My BEST To Survive....I'm GOOD 💯
@@gmdw123❤ think of wha your giving yourself, space o heal. ❤
Forgiving the narcissists time and again got me into this mess. I am not prepared to forgive them again. Besides they don't want our forgiveness: first, they don't believe they did anything wrong; second, they are only looking for permission to continue harming you. In my more generous moments I ask God to forgive them since I no longer can. Forgiving myself is a far more important goal and a work in progress.
I'm Not Religious Soooo IT'S Working GREAT For ME!!!! Clicks Always Try To Convince Otherwise!
Listen, reconciliation hurt you, not forgiveness. Forgiveness is for you so you can move forward without the prison of anger and hate. Holding onto it only hurts you and makes you feel bad.
I totally agree. Very well articulated. He was dead 9 months before I understood the relationship for what it was. I thought it was absurd people talked about forgiving before I even understood the extent of my injury. Now it's been 6 years. I feel like I forgave him far too much when he was alive - 25 years longer than I should have. I'll be working on forgiving myself for allowing the abuse for the rest of my life.
I forgave my Narcissist so many times over the years for egrigious things. Then he thanked me by abruptly discarding me for much higher status supply and making her his long-term partner
Bingo.
Narcisists keep hurting you and don’t take accountability for their actions which makes them extremely unsafe to deal with. I chose not to have contact with them because I must protect my safety and psychological wellbeing.It’s a fundamental human need and we are responsible for our wellbeing as well as those in our care. I don’t want to engage with people who intentionally do harm to others out of arrogance or resentment which is evil behaviour.
Forgiving yourself takes a lot of weight off of our shoulders, especially in a world that constantly pushes us down. We can’t allow self-blame and guilt to keep adding more weight to our struggles. Learning to forgive ourselves is not just about letting go of the past, but it enables us to find the strength and reclaim our peace of mind while we navigate a world full of chaos and uncertainty.
EXACTLY 💯 That's The Right Type Of Forgiveness. I Know The Enemy Hates To Know People Learning The RIGHT WAY! No Longer Can GASLIGHT And Guilt Trip EVERYONE In That Bondage To Get Them Freedom To Keep Attacking. NO That OVER ! SELF Forgiveness Here To STAY And Cut 📴 OFF Is STRONG!!!!💯
Remember YOU MATTER!!!!!!!!!
Thank you. I needed to hear that. ❤️🙏😉
I'm not worried about forgiving myself.....More about just protecting myself !
Protection first then forgiveness!
It's not your fault that a damaged human(Narc) couldn't stand your light. It's not your fault for being nice to them. As long as you have learned your lessons well, you are good.
Was married to one never ever ever again
Shattered soul takes time to heal and grow stronger. Forgiving self means letting go and gain courage to lead a good life.
It’s been hard to forgive myself for not paying attention to the red flags and walking away long long ago. It’s hard to accept that I refused to believe what I was seeing and hearing.
Me too
WELL IF You Decide NOT To Forgive YOUR SELF And Can Forgive OTHERS Something Twisted About THAT.
There's nothing to forgive yourself for. You wanted love and gave love to the wrong person. It's not your fault.
Sadly, they were incapable of giving you what you needed.
You forgive the person for not being able to give you what you needed so that you can have peace. You let go of that resentment a little bit at a time and take care of yourself. This way, you can have peace in your heart without letting this person live in your head and continue to hurt you
It's like that Maya Angelou quote - it would save so many people so much abuse
We were dragged into the water slowly , an inch at a time. We didn't know they were going to drown us.
Beyond forgiveness is having compassion for oneself as well.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
If you forgive yourself it can lead to no longer feeling the need to be validated by narcissists and the systems they are imbedded in. Narcissists use your shame against you to keep you in the cycle of abuse. Forgiving yourself means breaking the chain - breaking the power and pressure of feeling like you should forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it. You deserve forgiveness. You deserve freedom. You deserve to love yourself
As a provider in the field!! Yes!! Sick of clients having 40 coping skills a day while the narcissist gets to just… fall asleep at night !!
FINALLY SOMEONE TALKED ABOUT THIS
Thank you for addressing this! People (narcissists) shoving forgiveness down our throats.
If only people tried to understand the backstory! Have compassion. I forgive myself.
Agreed. To make things worse, some people are only interested in the backstory of the abuser, not the abused. Those are the worst kind of people.
Yes! I agree! The flying monkeys as Dr Ramani puts it! Thats almost more painful to endure! My heart goes out to you! ❤
As a empath, I am learning to " Control-ALT-Delete" the evil and love myself.
When my counselor was trying to get me to admit my mom was toxic & I told her I forgave her. She said they are not asking for your forgiveness. Still true over 30 years later. They see nothing wrong with their toxic lies & cruel tactics!
Thank you for covering this important topic. You're spot on as usual.
Although several people have told me to forgive the narcissistic beast, I chose to focus my attention on forgiving myself. Doing this has been transformational for me. Choose you every time, and you will stay narc free!
Forgiveness isn't for the other person, its for you. You can forgive the narcissist and still move on and go no contact. You don't ever have to let them know about your forgiveness
That is what I have heard over and over and over again and I reject this. Did you not listen to this video,?
I wasted years trying to forgive my mother. She never made much effort with my son, but when she started treating my granddaughter as she had me that was the straw that broke the camel's back. No contact for a couple of years now.
YOU BROKE The CURSE OFF Your Immediate Family 👍💯💅
Every day I’m working on forgiving myself. I have been beating myself up on why I never saw the signs earlier? how could I be attracted to such a horrible and evil person? what was I thinking? what happened to my mind at that moment? These questions occupy my mind and are embarrassing to try to find an answer to.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope that you can move beyond this and accept yourself as a caring human being soon. We are all on your side.
You’re not alone 😢
Same. There was one red flag in particular that I will take to the grave and never tell anyone else about because it's so embarrassing to look back and think about how I ignored it.
@user-fo6tk1dw2l You are so right. Same for me. After all, I've heard 'love is blind'. I was young, naive, and in college when we met. Of course he was charming, confident, attentive, attractive, financially stable and fun. I believe that I haven't fully forgiven myself. I haven't forgiven him for the parental alienation/trauma he caused to my 3 children. They are estranged from me. That was his revenge for me exposing his true self and divorcing him.
@user-fo6tk1dw2l Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I have tears because you understand and care enough to offer support to me and others. I greatly appreciate it! It's like having a wonderful friend that I can share my experiences with. 💟
Authenticity. Yes. No more faking it
I'm still of a mind that forgiveness needs to be defined. There's forgiving and forgetting and wiping the slate clean, only to be hurt again. But once you realize that you'll never get what you deserve as the empath who has given so much--once you realize that no matter what, you'll never get what you're owed for all of your love and care--that it will never be reciprocated, then you can forgive the DEBT (the debt of kindness, of genuine apologies, of validation, etc.) that you're owed. You forgive the DEBT cuz you ain't never gonna be "repaid" in kind for your efforts. So definition one is the type of forgiveness available in healthy relationships, where no one keeps score. But after years of narcissistic abuse, it's time to keep score and realize you are getting nothing in return, so you stop expecting anything and forgive THE DEBT. I guess it's the type of forgiveness that accompanies radical acceptance. You just...stop expecting any return on your investment. This way of thinking has indeed freed me. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, Dr. Ramani.
I hope you will see the comment I made to Dr Ramani about my own criteria for forgiveness. Hope it helps.
You don't have to forget anything. Forgiveness and forget do not go together. We have memories for a reason why keep repeating the same things that's why we remember. Forgiveness is for us not them. Never forget so don't do again. Learn
NAW!!!! I Tried That WAY..... Didn't WORK The Lady Confirmed What I Always Believe In Forgive SELF FIRST And Forget About Getting IT From A NARC Is Freeing. Because A NARC Meaning Of Forgiveness Is You Forgiving And Getting ANOTHER Chance
It makes me wonder if those people would also shame gazelles for not forgiving the lions who hunt them.
Not the same. If you hold onto resentment, you will ruin your life.
What's the point of resenting a person who won't change?
You work on peacefully exiting the relationship and work on forgiveness so that you can move on. If you don't forgive you're giving them what they want. Total control
@ronniselvan6243
I disagree. "Forgiveness" is not the same as "acceptable." I use the gazelles-v-lions comparison because we are the prey to the predators that narcissists very much are. I accept this as fact, and I would much rather put my time and energy towards helping my fellow gazelles strengthen ourselves and the next generation by learning how to be less vulnerable prey for the narc lions. Do you spend your time thinking of ways to forgive cancer cells for taking lives, or do you recognize it as a threat and try to live a healthier lifestyle so you can minimize your risk of developing it as much as you can even though you know there are no guarantees that you won't develop it regardless of your efforts? Would you think you were letting cancer control your life because you make daily decisions to avoid it? Would you tell others they are allowing burglars to ruin their lives because they make sure to lock their doors at night? I doubt it. Most of us who have dealt with narcissistic abuse have been through several narcissistic relationships. It's not about just ending that relationship and moving on because if you don't recognize there are tons of narcs out there just waiting for their next supply, you will endlessly repeat this soul-crushing cycle of tyranny, and that seems like a guaranteed way to ruin your life. And if dedicating at least a portion of my life to making sure my loved ones also learn about narcissists, how to avoid them, and how to heal from them, I would never consider my life ruined or a waste because it would mean my loved ones could possibly avoid having the same thing happen to them. They deserve the space in my head and my heart for such human emotions like forgiveness, not the narcissists.
My narcissist husband doesn’t think that he has done anything to be forgiven for. To say that you have forgiven him is to say that he has done something wrong and of course, that is impossible. I have my moments where I feel that my head will explode because I am so frustrated. Just the other night I told him that I was extremely frustrated with him and he said “good for you.”
I am so sorry. I can relate.
Concider leaving and have peace. I left mine after 10 years. Best move ever. There is life after narks if you allow yourself to be happy.
Forgiveness is for you, not him. Forgiveness does not excuse the person
You don't need to say that you have forgiven him and I'm so sorry. I'm hoping you can heal and move on from this man who is not good for you
You can't change him, unfortunately! Focus on yourself ❤
Thank you, that is great input.
I believe it is also about forgiving oneself for trusting the wrong person over and over. They are so skilled in tricking others, wearing so many masks. Trust is a healthy behaviour, its the abuse(r) we should judge.
Really gutted to see Mel Robbins jump on this Bandwagon and say we have to spend time with our family, even if they're narcissistic (or basically abusive) because they might die soon!!! Wtaf!! NO NO NO Nobody is entitled to your time and your peace, or your forgiveness
Forgiveness is for you not for them.
I forgave people who bullied me because I wanted peace in my life. Resentment turns you into a monster. It is not worth it
I FORGAVE MYSELF For Volunteering To Help Assist The SABOTAGING NARC Against SELF! NOT SOMEONE I Finally Found Out Was ALWAYS Destroy MENTALLY Because The Screwed. What's WORKING Don't Need Changing. I ALWAYS Believed The Devil Use Forgiveness. The CRAZY PART People Say They FORGIVE..... BUT WHEN They Try To Steal , Destroy Or Kill They Take Them To Court!!!! That's Confusion! A BIG RED FLAG.
@@ronniselvan6243forgiveness starts with self that itself frees you from resentment and pain.
My malignant narcissistic sibling demanded that I forgave her and send her flying monkey's to pressurize me into forgiving her. You need to start healing with forgiving self that will filter monster's from your life.
So Brilliant. The definitions of Forgiveness are vast and varied, and it is even more important to consider the psychology model of healthy Forgiveness. Yes, conventional Forgiveness is healthy when dealing with an empathic/normal person; but conventional Forgiveness actually makes narcissistic relationships worse on many levels and can harm the forgiver. Fantastic clarity. Thanks so much, Dr. Ramani.
I am so grateful that you have spoken about this aspect honestly not using the socially acceptable narrative that smashes the person working to get out of these toxic trauma bonded relationships.
Forgiving yourself is by far the most difficult part of trying to heal.
~SM
They say that to forgive someone is not so much for them, but so you can set yourself free of the bitterness and grudges you may hold in your Heart towards them. I myself 8n all honesty can no longer forgive my Narc Ex for the moments of despair and desperation and abominable cruelty he caused me to feel. 🍒
You are so right!!! I agree with you when it comes to forgiveness!!! People don’t know how much pain and suffering that has been done that would cause someone to not forgive!!!
I was loving the wrong person..once I started the forgivrness process on myself..I began to feel great love for myself...This video is exactly what I needed to see and hear...Instead of forgiveness for the Narc, I found indifference...Never thought that indifferene could give me the Peace that I now feel....The Narc always told me that indifferece was a sin....luckly I've found that just about everything the Narc said....was merely a form of manipulation...Forgiving and Loving myself is the best GIFT I've ever been given....Thank you DOCTOR RAMANI!......You know and give THE TRUTH
Human decency doesn't apply for them. They don't have to be decent to you. My mother was a narcissist & a devout christian. She believed the bible gave her the right to treat me badly because I was her daughter & I needed to always treat her like a queen. She could borrow my car, sit at the bar all afternoon & then get into an accident while driving home drunk & I had no right to be angry about it or have her pay for damages. Nope. She was my mother & in her world she could do whatever she wanted to me. I also needed to forgive her & keep loaning her my car. She always said I was spoiled and selfish. She never apologized for anything as long as she lived. Or admitted any wrongdoings.
You won't have to rewrite anything when you tell the truth. Just be yourself and be a better version of yourself everyday. One of my exs favorite quotes was,"That was yesterday." She wasn't wrong, she just didn't change her behavior afterwards, that's all.✌
I need to forgive myself for letting the narcissist damage me so much. Of course in those days we didn’t have Dr. Ramini. 😂 I didn’t understand what was happening. I think many people just say they forgive without giving it much thought. I can say I “understand” my narcissistic mother, but I don’t forgive her. She was not stupid, she made conscious choices, and she damaged me.
I just ordered the book today.🙏Thank you for writing it! It will be here in a few weeks. (I am in Germany.) And the forgiveness is a huuuge part. When I first got professional help and therapy, cos I felt wrong about my whole life...I didn't want to believe my gut, which told me "It's all about your childhood, it's all about your mom.". So when I had my first few sessions in therapy and my gut was confirmed...autsch! Hurt!
And few months later I went to a rehab that was especially for depression. (I know 'rehab' sounds like drugs in the US, but here the word is used for any type of clinic that provides mental health. Which is kinda similar in the end I guess, but to clarify.) And there they put me in 'forgiveness therapy'.😂 I told them, I didn't understand. They wanted to try to force me into forgiving my mother. And I just sat there between so many people...they all desperately wanted to forgive. I just wouldn't and they didn't really like it, but I stuck to my decision. Knowing why someone did something, doesn't necessarily make it better. It doesn't change the past.
And forgiving me...is hurt too, but is was actually not that hard.😊 I aaaalways felt bad for being mad at my mother after something huge went off again. I was mad at her almost every day, but I wouldn't dare tell her! I acted as if everything was fine. Cos arguing? Didn't happen in that house. Being hit with contempt and screamed at and being brought down as low as possible, that was what happened instead of arguing. So I wasn't able/allowed to even say: "I hate this." or something like that. This would mean beating. So 🤐 and you shove it all down, deeper and deeper.😢
And after hearing so much advise and people who told similar stories...it was like: "😮I wasn't wrong!? I had the right to feel how I felt?!". It was illuminating! I felt such relief!! Cos back when it all happened, I was made believe that I was a bad person for being how I was, for feeling what I felt. So this...oh, I was so light all of a sudden. Free of that burden.🙏
This video is like a fresh of birth air. Nothing is more damaging from my narcissistic abuse experience, and on top of the time, happiness, and opportunities I lost because of the narcissist I still have to forgive and if I don’t, I am a bad person. That just addsmore damage to the already overwhelmingly hellish feeling of it all. Thank you doctor, I really need to hear this.
This was exactly my talk today with my therapist I have been in the same loop for years and years , trying to justify and forgive all the rest to save my family.. and today I say I won’t forgive and forget anybody else than me .. even if it took me years to realize it 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Instead of forgiveness, I think that it is better to practice radical acceptance.
I received your book yesterday. So excited!!!
Forgiveness as to abusers is the “F” word to me. I choose to forgive myself for being manipulated. There are some people and actions which are unforgivable.
Thank you for this. I am sick of the Forgiveness Cultists, those who profess that you 'have to' forgive the narc in order to heal. I call bluff on that, always have.
ME TOO! The World Wouldn't BE BAD As IT IS IF Wasn't For The Cults Teaching Reverse Brainwashing Services How To Serve Their Purpose.
Thank you Dr. Ramani… I’ve always diverted from having to forgive a person when the person that I always end up being most angry at is mySelf. I appreciate you standing up advocating and simply understanding our psyche when words are left unsaid.
I love & adore you so much… I want you to be President of the World❤️
Music to my ears! 32 years..long hard lesson! 😊❤
who ever tells you to forgive the narc instead of yourself, that's the type of enabler who makes a big part of the problem
Needed this topic today! Thank you so very much! Shine your light everyone!
Authentic and whole - that's the key. Forgiveness in a real sense seems to involve genuine remorse on the part of the person who has harmed and a commitment to not harm again, but we can have a sort of 'forgiveness lite' if we can just move on, wish them no harm and 'let it go,' I think. In an authentic forgiveness situation there is growth in the relationship, but in 'forgiveness lite,' there is a coping strategy that doesn't really heal the relationship, and may even cause more harm. Well, that is what I understand. It isn't just turning the other cheek. If that means I am unforgiving, so be it. Thank you, Dr Ramani.
I know I did the best I could. I'm not perfect but I didn't deserve her abuse and discard.
I'm sure each time you forgive a toxic person, they keep a tally of all the times they get you to "Forgive" them. With a narc' forgiveness is another avenue of abuse.
Thanks Dr Ramani. You're an anchor of safety in mind, heart and Soul. ❤
I have to forgive myself for attracting & sacrificing myself to old narc frenemies (who were not only unsupportive but sabotaging, mean, dangerous) , staying w/exploitative ex-bosses for too long & ignoring that very uncomfortable feeling, for never speaking up for myself, ignoring my inner child....Now I know WHAT I need to forgive myself for (I used to wonder what for...Thank you!)
Honestly. you have no idea how validating this video is for me...thank you from the bottom of my heart 💫Dr Ramani🌹🌺❤❤❤🌺🌹..Your new book is awesome.
My narc dad thinks forgiveness is putting up with his s... No!
Your book and advice is so helpful. From the bottom of my heart thank you for seeing me and many, many others.
Thank you for your wise and thoughtful insights! To me now, forgiveness just means that I see people as really are (radical acceptance), then set clear boundaries and do the personal inner work to release their power over me. It's not always easy, but it's a "forgiveness" model that is working for me now. I simply try to ACCEPT who they are and no longer EXPECT certain things from them in order for me to heal personally. I take back my own power. Thank you for helping us all out in this sometimes very lonely wilderness!
Next world will be full of tears and serious pain . What a wicked world we are living in .
I totally hear what you are saying in this video about forgiveness. We cannot and should NOT let narcissists off the hook and fall back into letting them eat us alive. That being said, I think there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is the work of letting go and releasing ourselves from the pain that others cause us. Reconciliation is what restores a relationship. So, for me, I work everyday on forgiving people that have harmed me-including my mother who systematically separated me from my sister and the rest of my family for decades. I want to let go of the pain and harm she caused me. I do that for myself-NOT FOR HER. She gets gray rock and the only reason I talk to her is because she lives with family that I love and respect deeply. I WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER RECONCILE WITH HER. EVER. She is not safe, she is not able to have compassion and see the deep deep harm she has caused me and so many others in my family. So I forgive but I will not and can not reconcile. There is a difference between those two things. And I am forgiving myself for believing her lies and then going on in my life to marry a narcissist. It makes sense that I would do that because it was what I was patterned to do. No reconciliation there either but I am working on forgiving and releasing myself from that pain grief and shame. I hope this makes sense.
I forgive myself and accept evil does not change.
👏💯🌹to Dr. R. on your closing statements, that is: ..WHATSOEVER THAT WE DO, DO IT "AUTHENTICCALY"👌MARVELOUS CONCLUSION ..THIS IS THE ONLY WAYS SET "US" FREE..😉☺️..
Nobody understands like Dr Ramani does. Thank you for saving us from so much suffering and offering us this amazing support and your lifetime work ❤🙏
The Upside Down World "where everything we were taught goes upside down"....
Except when your mother is a malignant narcissist, then everything we are taught is already upside down to begin with. 😮
Only now I'm starting to see how much pain and demage she caused me. 😢 Dr. Ramani is right - seeing it is my "salvation". I have a right to protect myself.
I still have moments when I think of how she has hurt me but it is far less frequent as I return to who I was before. Many thanks to your videos for helping guide my way out of the madness. I have forgiven myself and am now moving forward with greater understanding.
So true, I'm focused on Forgiving me. And were all entitled to be angry at people who we loved who have lied, cheated and gaslighted. Thank you for validating to feel and express oneself is ok.
Thank you for bringing us together. Together we can help each other heal. ❤
The previous psychotherapist I attended for 10 years responded to me when I asked when we were going to work on
"Never" because what happened to you was "unforgivable "
Strangely enough, the question came from a person who purported to be my friend coming from his (nex) side of the family who was a qualified psychotherapist and expected me to be working on forgiveness and same person witnessed my blackened eyes through the years, this was such a mind f...for me
I could understand my therapist saying "never" & there was a therapist who couldn't understand it
I now understand why you suggest seeking out a trauma focused therapist
Between listening to you videos/ podcasts & my trauma therapy I have healed so much in almost two short years. I don't regret having worked with varied therapist s throughout my worst years , sadly, they weren't trauma focused therapist ❤
Thank you Dr.Ramini I now live a happy & peaceful life .
“Forgiveness is optional.”
I have never heard anyone frame it like that in my life. I’ve never heard someone say that forgiveness is optional in healing. There’s really something liberating about hearing that, especially when the dialogue has always been that forgiving is NEEDED in healing. Something powerful in those 3 words. Amazing.
Your words have saved me time and time again. The deep pain a narc can inflict has no limits, and yet, why do we trust them in the first place? The gaslighting may just be the most damaging thing they can do..until the final betrayal. That one's so hard to forgive. So yes, forgive oneself for trusting, for not loving yourself enough..
Absolutely! I forgave. Myself. Him. Others. Some know and some don’t. They never will. This was about my healing and there are some that would not be safe knowing how well I’m doing.
I struggle with not forgiving. A key principle in a long-term marriage is to have a very short-term memory. However, with the narcissist forgiveness is just a greenlight to continue with the hurtful and arrogant behavior. Holding my narcissist accountable for his behaviors means I cannot forgive him for what he has done. It’s very hard to hold onto that and demand my boundaries. It’s so confusing it all jumbles up in my head and in my heart.
My brother has earned zero forgiveness. His adult denial is worse than his appalling younger behavior. 50 years of gas lighting lies.
Thank you
Dr. Ramani ❤
Dr. Ramani , thank you so much. Finally , someone takes a stand against the constant pressure for victims to forgive . I am not even sure what the word means anymore but I am not ever silently or out loud telling my abuser what they did is forgiven . Let him seek forgivness from GOD.
Yes, if we forgive, such people will continue to hurt. It has zero sense.
Protecting my 🍵 from now on no more pouring, sharing, or letting them sip(breadcrumb) from my 🍵 thank you Dr. Ramani I've been watching your videos a long my healing journey & it's helping me outside of therapy to learn about myself more🌈
I must laugh.. I was told by my highly narcissistic ex, while still in the relationship, that I was unable to forgive, anytime I told him that I had a problem with the way he treated me. I came to the insight that it is not possible to forgive someone who keeps on treating you badly, not caring for ones wellbeing at all.
Crazy bastard, glad I got away. The breakup was a tough road though, it got all way worse than I could have imagined and I used to tell myself "I am going through hell, but at least I am going and eventually I will find my way out".
Thank you Dr. Ramani for pointing out directions ❤
Forgiving myself for wanting to go out on a few dates with a person who was WAY too much trouble. It’ll be one year March 5th, when I saw the first rage. I knew something was terribly wrong and abnormal. Count myself lucky to be here. Thank you Ramani.❤️🙏
Thanks for this
Forgiveness is freedom only when it is authentic and that cannot be forced. The most important thing is to forgive yourself, ourselves, myself completely, over and over knowing that it was not our fault and it is within our power to heal with healthy boundaries, self love, self care, and self forgiveness if and when we choose: whatever that looks like for each individual. ❤
I’M SO HAPPY 😁 THAT YOUR BOOK 📖 IS SELLING WELL, YOU ARE ENOUGH AND YOU DESERVE IT!!!
Treat yourself kind everyday like you did with those fools.
My Narc would half heartedly apologise and say "Do you forgive me?" And I'd say yes just to avoid an argument. On those odd occasions where I'd plucked up enough courage to say "No" he'd then say "What are you still here for then?" Firgiving them as Dr Ramani said, gives them permission to do it again...
You forgive for you NOT for them, and u dont need to let them know.. 💯
You don't need to 'forgive' the narcissist because they never think they've done anything wrong!! Save the forgiveness for yourself! :)
I am a person that has had therapy through the years and i was counseled regarding radical acceptance thank you again❤🙏🏻
"This is an experience you can hold internal." I am borrowing that for times I might judge, or for TMI situations.
Thank you for this, i was just in a shame spiral about my life and where I went wrong, why i always felt like an outcast and nobody really liked me. The amount of shame and guilt a narcissistic parent projects onto you is disgusting. You always think you're the bad person ! I kept forgiving my narcissistic/emotionally immature mom and she let me down every time! Throwing my vulnerabilities back in my face and playing victim, people still took her side! Been gaslighted all my life by her especially and by family enablers, no one ever told me my feelings are valid.
Also I have the audiobook of Its Not You, on Chapter 2! Love it so far 😊 , also realized the types of narcissists you described I developed some of those traits due to mirroring my narc mother and protecting my feelings from ppl.
That's because there are so many people out there, besides the forgiveness pushers, who tell you that whatever went wrong with your life, "it was because of your choices."
Wrong! Other people can knock your life off the track.
So excited to start reading the book! Came quickly thanks Amazon and Dr Ramani for all the wonderful knowledge that we all are so blessed to have you and your specialist insight validated information from your hypnotic videos and podcast and books! Thank you again ❤
Doctor Ramani, you look great with lip color on. Love your videos. Have learned so much from you.
the pressure ... BY FAMILY, BY GROUPS OF FRIENDS, BY THE WORKPLACE ... basically by THE WHOLE WORLD
I like what you have to say about forgiving myself. And if we do forgive the narcissist we do or if we don't that's okay too. Whatever feels right and authentic for us. I like that. Thank you!!!❤
One of the last things I said to my mother before going no contact is that forgiveness isn’t the same thing as reconciliation. I actually have forgiven her, but that doesn’t mean I need to have a relationship with her and allow her to hurt and abuse me and my family again and again. I’ve filled the hole she left in my life with other older women who are healthy mother figures for me, and I’m nurturing my children (and even myself) in ways that children need. We are the cycle breakers and we can do this!
I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for not seeing the signs. Ignoring all the heartbreaking, disrespecting actions he took, for not giving up on the fake hope that someday he would change. For staying, for letting him back in my life not once but multiple times. I even get angry about loving him. He didn’t deserve it
Thanks a lot you helped me so much, in a very short amount of time i realized so much about narcissistic people in my life & how to deal with it, it's like all of that trauma healing in the past was lacking this one element which is taking responsibility for myself & realizing that it's not my fault, and that there is hope afterall❤
A lot of narcissists often project the way they feel about themselves onto others so it's best to avoid all of the hypocritical ideas and opinions.