9 things we grieve as we heal from narcissistic relationships.
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It's also the embarrassment that you've been played multiple times. and asking yourself "How did I not see this??"
Yes
Omg I feel so stupid when I look back at my life. It's a relief to know that It Wasn't Me!!!!!!!!
YUP.
Definitely. I was married to a narcissist for 27 years and now, looking back, I can see how he played me all the time, but I couldn't see it when we were together. Not that I'm really stupid, even though I now feel I must have been, but I just wouldn't have been able to comprehend the possibility of him behaving towards me in that way. But, just have to live with it.
When the bizzarre sexual 'abuse'/violence/display/entraping? in public got so weird police showed up, i would ask 'Do you know what is going on and maybe can help me figure this out?" the sherriff or cops would look worried and speed away - as if their life depended on it. And so I had to accept "justice will not be served" and take their advice - all said the same thing, coast to coast, "Just get the hell out of here!" and i would reply 'Works for me!'
I grieve lost opportunities, lost time, lost youth, lost confidence, lost healthy mentality, and lost innocence. Recovery is sometimes more painful than the abuse itself.
Edit: I thank you all for the ❤️’s and well wishes! Means a lot to me and much blessing’s to you all as well 🥲🙏
❤
Luv, you got this, past can’t change thankfully, future can be!! 🫂 Acceptance gave me so much peace, which is what I’ve always wanted really
So important tho.and friends make life bearable. Find a 12 step program and go.
Same here sadly
I lost time I never will get back
Yes, it is. But I think of recovery as "clean" pain because it's healing and redemptive. The "dirty" pain of abuse is debilitating and destructive. Clean pain is life-giving; dirty pain is life destroying.
I grieve the wasted time, energy, lost peace of mind, lost community and the loss of what I believed I had. I grieve that I didn't pay more attention to the red flags and not get involved in the first place. I grieve that I stuck it out for so long and let myself be taken advantage of and taken for granted. I grieve that I refused to see the truth.
😞😿❤🔥So much, but maybe after the intense self-forgiveness goes on a while we will remain in the pure truth. 💖
It's so important to not blame yourself for what you didn't know then. I stopped blaming myself. Best wishes.
I feel this. I agree. Why was I such a fool and a doormat for 22 years? I was trying to do the right thing!! I pray we all heal.
Thank you. You summed up so much for me as well. Praying for healing 🙏🏾
we fall in love because we are human
And there will be no justice. For me injustice is the hardest pill to swallow.
YES!!!!!!!! And a lot of things you will never, ever get closure on.
@@jessicaabbott10 Exactly. Its better not to expect otherwise. Won't dwell on it.
Yes because they move on to the new supply who think they’re great.
There is no justice within the narcissistic systems… But there is always justice with GOD. Our New Beginning is here. The support system we have here for each other on Dr. Ramani’s Channel is our “New Family”. Together, we will heal, empower, and liberate our spirits and souls. The Truth shall set us free. Justice is here.
My opinion is that the justice is that narcissists will never be “truly” happy. They are shallow shells of human beings who cannot bear to be alone. They spend their entire lives running away from themselves and the burden they carry upon their souls
The grief has been so overwhelming that I cannot imagine returning to the status quo. I can't unsee what I've seen/ learned.
I feel you , we cant unsee but now that we have learned - we can always create our own little world away from them where we value ourselves and everyone - Have the courage , try making a start .All the best!
The most painful thing that I am grieving is the loss of my innocence. I was so sociable before being aware of narcissism. I don't like how terrified I am of the world and people now
I’m in the grieving phase of my healing and it is excruciating. Somewhere along the line I realized the abuse was worse than I remembered. I grieve the inability to see what was really happening and stand up for myself all these years thinking I was the problem. I’m 56.
Same here
I am really sorry. So sorry for your pain. Please , know that life gets better from now on, educate yourself about it, get help , allow yourself to heal .
❤❤❤
Whenever I’m grieving the end of a relationship, I think about the fact that I previously grieved the last relationship and the one before that and the one before that and I think back at how stupid those people were and how much I no longer miss them and can’t believe I even gave them the time of day. It will be the same for you looking back on your last narc. You will get better and you will not only survive. You will thrive once those demons are detached from your mind and soul. 🩵
Me too. I feel like I gaslighted myself regarding some family members bad treatment of me. Felt like I had to put up with things to have a relationship with them. It just got worse and was made to feel guilty when I stood up for myself. Happy now to step back and be boundaried. Dealt with far too much chaos and drama over the years that was not of my making.
I feel the same. I'm 58. 11 years and he cheated on me right after I moved in. Was there for weeks. Leaning town aa it's just too painful to be around them. I just think that something good has to come out of this, right?
9-things we grieve or have to give up to heal
1. Hope
2. Healthy childhood and a soft place to land
3. Time (lost time)
4. Grieving a future (it may look empty)
5. Sense of family and belonging
6. Stability(consistency)
7. Narratives (stories about our lives - or that some day justice will be served)
8. Loss of innocence
9. Loss of any sense of justice
NAILED IT!!!! Thank you for sharing!!!
Real MVP❤
The grief is overwhelming. You nailed grief that occurs.
This 💯💯💯
Yes
He who increases wisdom increases sorrow
I grief the "death" of the person I thought I loved. But he did not exist.
That's exactly how I feel ..like I'm grieving a death ...the person I fell in love with is no more and will never be that person again ...not to me anyway
We should first give up all hope that some day things will get better. They cannot and will not change..that's what we grieve
Ironically, giving up hope was the beginning of healing for me. Now that I know for sure they will never, ever change, I am free to move ahead with my life. But with healing there does come so much grief. We have lost a lot, and it's sad!
Agree. Once you relinquish hope you get clarity to leave the relationship.
If only people gave up hope sooner,it always takes years and by that time you are destroyed inside.
They not only won't change, they become worse.
Totally agree! Knowing that he will never change is when I was set free and I told myself I had to change. I have compassion and forgiveness, but I never want to be that woman again. I'm looking forward to birthing the new me.
I grieve more for my narcissistic partner more than myself, I grieve for the life we could have had, I grieve for the fact that I couldn't save my partner from himself, I grieve that all the love I gave to him wasn't enough to break out of the hell he made himself, and I grieve that I can no longer be a part of that life.
I'm going to gently suggest that you work on flipping that, you need to put yourself first.
@@Neresdipity thanks but grief is never rational, that's the whole point.
I too grieve about that …. And pity comes in and confuses me … I am just about ready to move out …. And I often cry « HELP »….
@@evangeliakaratza-styliara4413well done in getting ready to move out. Our feelings are just that, they're ours. Just because you still have feelings towards that person(I dont mean that you're still in love with them, but even if you are, that's your feelings no one elses) doesn't mean you should stay and take anymore of their bs. My ex got cancer after I left him, I didn't not believe him but was very aware that they will say and do anything to hook you back in. This is your journey, make it whatever way helps you. My ex passed away nearly a year ago now, I was with him through radiotherapy, chemotherapy and a heart attack. Considering how he treated me over the years, a few friends have said they dont know how I was able to do that, but like everything else I have learned about abusive relationships, it's about how we grow and deal with situations more than being about them and if they are going to change. This was my way of getting me back, cos I know I would have hated myself if I hadn't cared for him.
@@ColinKuan I hear what you're saying. Obviously you and the other person commenting are good hearted people. We need more people like you in this world, all the best to both of you.
I am grieving who I used to be, my carefree self, my trust in others, my not knowing so much, my love for friendships and close connections. Someone took all of that away and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.
You will get your happy self back. Be patient with yourself.
You can always return to your old self.. it may take some time
Over 5 years since I removed myself from my home..had enough of the verbal abuse, shaming, devaluing, sexual coercion, manipulation, rape, intimidation, guilt tripping… And it still continued after I moved out..because my kids are living at home. The divorce mediation is still ongoing..actually stalled bc his lawyer dumped his arse… Yet he continues to play Puppetmaster with my parents who are financing legal bills rn, and my lawyer…they just want to get it done…just agree to his terms…don’t aggravate the beast..’cause we all know “Pigs LOVE to play in the MUD”..
The courts favour the narcissist in their “no fault” system where the victim never gets Justice.
I don’t even know if I will ever trust a man with my heart again….
You will get back your mind towards people who DESERVE. What is gone is them who did not deserve, not your sincerity
I understand so well
I’m grieving my lost childhood my lost opportunities as a child and my identity(I still am) my hijacked soul(I still am) the little girl inside of me is literally crying 😭 so much right now. I don’t know 🤷♀️ who I am in today’s world and it’s the most terrible feeling in the world for me 😭😭😭.
Hang in there sister. I kept saying to myself that "some days you have to create your own sunshine" and there has been many many such days... it does get easier with practice 🌞 and self forgiveness and patience ❤
@@carin5767 Thank You for your support! 💜!
I grieve time, I wasted too much time with someone who didn’t treat me right.
I grieve myself and how much I changed including my physical appearance.
I grieve good health. All the stress wore me down, inwardly and outwardly.
I’m grieving the FACT that I never had a family. It is a fact. As I’ve gotten to know other people where I live, I realize how little actual love I received. I’m alone now; I have two older brothers but I went no contact with the oldest one and seldom talk to the other. I never fit in with any of them. My mother stole my life from me. The brother was that I still talk to invalidates me every time I bring it up so our conversations are superficial. I’ve never had a real relationship with anyone.
I'm sorry 😞
I came across this, this morning I woke and I felt strange, I'm healing from narcasstic abuse...
I'm listening to this, makes me feel sad 😔 within myself...it us grieving that my life meant nothing to my parents, shame based, always thinking I'm wrong 😔 this is horrible, always thinking I'm wrong...😢
I didn't have a childhood. It was stolen.
I've never had love, made me feel like a freak, not normal...list goes on.
'Being a good person is (not always) rewarded'. 'Loss of any sense of justice'. A lot of grief to process, but smiling just the same. It makes so much sense.
I find myself grieving for all those times I walked away, faced a path that could have taken me one way to happiness, but chose the path that took me further into he'll. I grieve for that person who made so many times the decision to go back, knowing how I betrayed that better pat of myself that could've been. 🍒
Most of my life, the recovery process was more intimidating to me than the abuse itself. I grew up in a narcissistic family dynamic, so simply dealing with it was more comfortable, even if I was miserable. Recovery requires strength and a LOT of hard work!!!!!!!
I know, sometimes just facing how their (constant) gaslighting and triangulating talk is - really - jut icky abuse is scarier than just what (exactly) they say (when we all grew up with that junk on the TV.) The really sad thing is - (my kin,) seem to be stuck on thinking the narcissistic inversions are "cool," (whilst I try to covertly and subtly influence them to see how spiritually retarded this behavior has to be) - they refuse to change, so I don't visit here too often, usually, unless I want to get 'belittled' by the tongue of their invalidation again! 😥PEACE
So true. Imo narc parents make us feel so incapable it keeps us stuck. Took me loosing everything including my health, to wake up. I grieve that and what I thought was a mother who was really a jailer and a relationship built on my own distortions she convinced me of
After 19 years of trying to cope with a narcissistic mother, I got framed, blackmailed, betrayed and ditched on the street. I lost my family and girlfriend at the same time. The grief was so overwhelming, it caused a high functioning depression that lasted for over a decade, alcoholism and self medicating with MJ. The depression caused a decade of hoarding. And the decade of hoarding resulted in 30K debts, homelessness, more family conflict, and ultimately also cutting ties with my father's half of the family after brutally betraying me while I was homeless. I was reborn as an orphan. Once I came home, I woke up to narcissistic 'friends' and also cut ties with them. And while I was at it, I also completely quit alcohol over a year ago after a few years of fading it out. Next year my debts are done. I'll be 36 years old then. Only the last 3 years I have been been able to live a somewhat normal life.
I just took out the trash and started with a clean slate. It was a long way coming.
I hope you are very proud of yourself for creating the healthy life you deserve.
@@Ana-p3i4h In a structurally clean and organized home with a sterile backyard? Definately! Every day again! It was worth every single tear I had to shed. :'-)
Praying for you! Your past does not dictate your future.
This may sound really warped, but you give me hope. I'm sorry that you went through all of that, that sounds so hard, but it sounds like you've come out on the other side. I am still rather stuck in the depression, ruminating and hoarding, though I have recently taken big steps toward decluttering. Here's to kindness, safety and sanity going forward :)
@@gobigirl1 you can do this! Keep going until your home is what it's supposed to be: a place to heal and recharge yourself. Decluttering is one thing. After doing so, you have to learn yourself to keep it clean and organized at all times. Promise yourself: don't ever let this happen again! Developing a structure in your household is essential. Develop your own ritual. So you prevent yourself from cluttering again. Be consistent and structural in your household and chorusses. Doing dishes every day really does a great part of the trick. Because most hoardings start in the kitchen by forgetting or not wanting to do dishes. Same with the trash: if the bag is full, get it out. If the bag stinks, even if it isn't full, get it out. Or else you have to go through the flies a couple of days later. When your kitchen is dirty, you can't use it, so you order your meals instead. Wich continues the hoarding. It's way more expensive than cooking your own meals. Cluttering is a preventable trap. Decluttering and keeping your house clean is actually great victory in your depression.
Decluttering and keeping the house clean afterwards actually became a healing ritual in disguise. In some way, keeping it clean, is the ritualistic way how I fight back depression, by not giving clutter a chance. It feels good take care for yourself like that. Your home literaly represents your mind.
So it's actually a game, a fight, a war between you and the depression. You and your depression/demons are fighting to the death for your home. The game is simple: When the home is cluttered, the demons win, and you lose! When you keep your house clean, you win! The demons lose. Just promise yourself not to clutter again. I promise you, it's way more easier for yourself to just keep it clean.
Cooking for yourself is the other way to fight back depression at home. It's how you celebrate the victory on your demons. You deserve good tasting and healthy food. Especially after bad times. You deserve to be spoiled by yourself with good and healthy food. Every day I'm proud of myself for cooking my own meals. It's the way how I became my own friend.
Again; you can do this! Keep going!
I have been grieving and healing for 8 yrs. Currently, I grieve that so many life decisions were actually reactions. I left a good job to move thousands of miles away from family. I made a choice to be poor so that I had an excuse to not afford to "go home". At times I didn't have a phone, to protect myself from mothers verbal abuse. I am working on being worthy of financial stability.
I love this woman, Dr. Romani you always cut through all the BS and help me sort out the swirl of feelings inside of me like maybe I did something wrong or I could do something better or I should try harder. Radical acceptance has help me understand that he will never change. And I will always live the rest of my life like this if I continue to stay with him. As a matter fact, he’s getting worse, he’s changing from a neglectful narcissist to an abusive verbally and emotionally one. Your clarity helps me see that this is not the life that I want to live anymore. I’ve raised my children, and after 26 years of marriage I’m ready to step out. It’s scary now that my youth is gone, but I cannot see another day with this man. I see no path forward and I deserve more.
yes you do reclaim yourself for yourself ❤
Dr. Ramani I thought my story was unbelievable. After reading a sampling of comments I am overwhelmed with the toll of this epidemic condition among us.
Pure crazy! God Bless you!
You are not alone❤
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Giving up hope on narcissistic family members finally freed me. As much as it hurt to let my whole family go, it hurt more to be with them. Thank you for addressing this profound grief that is relentlessly on-going on holidays, birthdays, Mother's Day, etc. I'm living my best life two thousand miles away with a loving dog and cat. No contact with them has worked wonders for my mental health recovery and self-empowerment. No more narcissists!
Initially, I had a heart attack and then it took me a couple of years to fully grieve and accept. I planned to walk away, but they (my son, and only child, and my grandchildren) never contacted me again. It was devastating but I feel so much better without the ruminating and chaos. Prior to this event, a psychologist had given me a heads up but it took over 30 years for me to accept it.
Grieving 😢 After 48 years in cult, knowing finally all the lies I was told. I’m in an abyss of grieving,mom said she’d leave us two kid an inheritance. She gave my narcissistic brother his part and gave mine to the cult. Ugh!!!
I left early in the relationship with mom , trauma bond but not the cult. It took time to realize that was mom’s attachment to keep us bonded. Once the cult was cut off, finally able to get out of idealistic “Forgiveness” that was supposed heal my pain from mom. She was never going to forgive me. I couldn’t say I was sorry enough. Same with GOD never going to be able to say “I’m sorry”, enough.
I’m grieving normalcy and time. Wasted time. Thank you for your honesty and don’t give up on this content. I’m sure you get your share of backlash for this but know your helping people who would’ve died inside or suicide. My plight possibly the later. My father committed suicide because of this horrible cult and my sister in law. A private soul who had to confess to a group of men to many personal problems. She just couldn’t take it. Part of the cult way, probably my end had I not found your channel.
You’ve kept me alive. So grateful 😊
Desire to love and to be loved and how the evil wins in the game.
I left and divorced my husband 6 years ago. It ended a 41 year marriage. I was 69 and the Mother of 2 wonderful daughters and blessed with 2 precious granddaughters. I am so angry that I didn’t leave 30 years earlier. I grieved for the loss of family. Now I am rebuilding my life. I really don’t know how to start. I miss so much and I am scared of making mistakes. Peace and love ❤️
You're very brave!! I admire your strength. Watching video's on this channel is giving me strength to leave too!!
Im getting ready to file. Looking at an apartment. Gotta sell my childhood home my Grandpa built. Its kept me in this brutal marriage but time to put me 1st. This is my 2nd time with him after 10 yrs apart. Euphoric recall!!! The very day we moved in the punishment began!! It's time to get my freedom back!!! Covert Narcissism is life crushing. My Dad, ex husband and current husband are all the same. All narcissists. I see why I keep following that pattern. Im in heal mode, a complete gray rock until I escape this hell Im in!!!
Strength to you!
Sending strength & courage your way
Ug. I feel ya. You are strong enough, and I'd better act like a rock around my sibling, yes. Peace ... soon as you can create it!
Hope no more. It is difficult to realize that the only best thing to do is to avoid them.
01:57 You grieve hope.
03:11 You grieve a healthy childhood.
04:59 You grieve lost time.
05:42 You grieve the future you once imagined.
07:04 You grieve a sense of family and a sense of belonging.
08:47 You grieve stability.
10:21 You grieve your narrative.
11:44 You grieve your innocence.
13:21 You grieve your trust in justice.
By far, time is what I grieve most. I feel like i never actual lived. I feel like I just existed. At 56, I will now build a actual life and enjoy living, for the first time. My son graduated Hogh School in 2027. I plan to leave USA completely, total separation from my past life.
You won't have to tiptoe through the tulips anymore. It will be good!
Tiptoe through the tulips?? You must be mistaken…I would bet many of us felt like it was always tiptoeing past sleeping lions in a minefield🤯😶🌫️
Exactly!
Most definitely! @@KLh-sj4iu
Still in mine. 7 months since I realized after a betrayal how bad things are. Slow drip of betrayals. Gaslighting denials lies and silence. If I tell you that I sit next to him and it’s distressing how wrong I could be about a person and not know it’s just scary and has made me loose faith in ppl. I’m a caregiver of grown kids that have severe health issues and that has made me not move, fight, argue how I normally would. Friends don’t get me. But my love and fear of how this affects them makes me hesitate. So I wait. Try to gat stronger daily. Build myself. Save/figure out a way out. When I’m desperate I remember my mom’s saying, “he who fights and walks away gets to fight another day.” My fight is the kids. They need more. Healthy parent safe place from manipulation.
Biggest grief, this is a kind person. The deceptions, lies and manipulation was ugly and scary. Smile in your face swear it’s all good while continuing doing things he knows would hurt. Nuts.
Thank you Dr remind. Anyone out there that needs to read this. If you in it still. It’s ok. You not weak. Nothing wrong with you. Survive. Let yourself survive, by your own rules your own way. When you can. Leave. You set the timeline. You know your needs best. Take care of yourself be gentle.
Thank Dr Remini. So sorry need glasses as I type this on my phone. Lol
I feel for you. I am 2yrs divorced & moved to the other side of the country. I am almost 68 and have been with ex since I was 17. We moved far from my family for his job. I did find happiness in my heart again…as long as I don’t answer his calls or texts. I have a lot of painful memories, regrets, and loss but the essence of you is still there. I believe in your happiness and the beauty of your self/heart. The best is yet to be 💚 You will find your way out without compromising your own integrity or commitment to your loved ones. You will heal and be free to love yourself again.
Much love to you.
I got it! Radical acceptance the day I left. iIt was like someone was standing beside me when I said I can’t do this anymore,walked out the door and hit the road. Yes I stopped 30 miles down the road and bawled my eyes out but I got my shit together and kept going. Not going back, my life is slowly getting better.
Thanking for these tutorials, they keep me going forward and give me hope❤️
Time....lost time where we are depressed or exhausted because they are such nightmares so much of the time and we need to recover and cannot take care of what we need to do....
My narcissistic ex left me once i became ill even though we were married over 20 years. I was glad he was gone but i really needed help physically. Im sure the stress of the relationship brought my illness on sooner that it otherwise would. Im happy alone but really feel like my physical self will never be ok and I wasted the best years of my life
Same here! No awareness of my needs or concerns throughout 60 years. He wouldn’t even come home to take me to my doctor when I was passing clots as large as eggs! Endometriosis! Fortunately the women friends of mine in the same office ‘got on the case’ and made him come home just as my doctor had advised me to call an ambulance and was arranging my admission. They told me I was in the zeR but I don’t remember it, my doctor ordered a blood transfusion, and a steak dinner for me! He was a wonderful older gentleman doctor who was also Chief of Staff, although I didn’t know that at the time.
I’ve had to take the bull by the horns just to exist! Why did I remain on this sinking ship???
I had thought we could improve it with counseling. He went once and was ‘cured’! I continued several years because I needed the contact with and knowledge that is so beneficial.
Too much to write about here but I could write a book. Now that we are 86 y/o,I have no more fks to give! Elizabeth
@@e.conboy4286 wow they really are so selfish!! I think it takes us a long time to leave because we want to fix things and make everyone happy. Narcissists will never be happy though. I'm glad you got free and I'm glad you don't give a f nowadays too. It sounds like we have a lot of similarities xx
Seriously???? You post this after HOURS of grief and confusion? I love you.... sorry been up all night and can never get out of bed rn.... these crazy people definitely messed my brain.
I love you so much. At 50, I’ve only recently begun radically accepting having been raised by barcissists, married to a narcissist and then being engaged for 11 years to another narcissist. Even more, I just ended a relationship of three years with ANOTHER narcissist. I had no idea and am grieving all of that so deeply and I’m doing it alone. I’m better off and safer with only my dog. Thank you for validating my feelings.
You’re here now❤️
I’m 66, just understanding my 92yr old father and husband of over 35yrs are narcissists. Explains so many things. Hoping to heal now❤️
Thinking of you on your journey, kid☺️
You have got the present and future finally
grieving the picture of a big happy family that I wanted my whole life. kids, grandkids, hubby that loved me. etc. have to be thankful what I do have. not how I wished it would be.
can not just keep kicking myself for being dumb. mulling the shame and stupid choices. have to know that I am strong and worthy. and have done some good things too. if I mull all my stupid things too much, it's really depressing!! and I can not control others at all.
I think justice is a big one. So many if us would love to see the narcissist get what's coming to them, or pay for what they've done to us. Radical acceptance can be difficult to accept when people wait for Karma to it's thing.
I agree. I have started to radically accept my situation…but when I think that justice has no assurance here, it throws me off the hook. I have always known that truth prevails, Karma has its way…but to accept that it might not be the same when it comes to dealing with a narcissist, makes me grieve even more.
They get justice everyday of there lives we just don’t see it because they hide it we’ll aging to a narcissist is literally hell on earth plus as much as us who have been deceived they actually do miss us because they will never find another beautiful being such as us even though they move on they are constantly thinking about us that why no contact kills them because they live with the pain that they weren’t as relevant as they thought to us and that we may have moved on and bettered our lives while they will remain living a repeated cycle for the rest of there lives
The truth prevails and will win in the end, but they think they can invert it, like event 201, they've been taught the perversion of karma - "if you announce it beforehand as altruistic," that sickness can be translated down to your narcissistic mate. The narcissist psychopath I resided with a decade ago told me "Nobody will ever be able to con you again, after I'm done with you."😸 😰🥺🙀@@KrittikaLahiri
my sons father passed the night after valentines… intense few weeks. he had a seizure, i held him for hours beforethe ambulance and air lift took him to the hospital where he had the gamma knife two weeks earlier. all the difficulties left in those moments. now facing the reality of what he created for my son and the family to work through. you are so on point with grief for my walk in life now. thank you. focus on positive outcome for all.
Was that a brain tumour? My partner died 6 months ago from a brain tumour. I have been grieving him and romanticising the relationship, and the reality of what it was has now hit me in the face
So much grief it is suffocating .My childhood. My schooling my jobs my dreams Dr Ramani its a heavy duty topic. I really like your message. The beauty of 12 step programs learning there is comfort in the familiar. We stay for all the right and wrong reasons. God bless us all.
I also told my sons that I cannot guarantee fair once they walked out the family room door.
The beautiful thing is once on the other side. It is a very good feeling. We can heal. There is hope. We need good people around us.
Good momma. Life isn't always fair so you hopefully taught them an important lesson in life. Don't expect fair...
I knew I needed to get away from the father of my kids. Grandma said just pack up your kids and come. My relief was immediate. An hour later, my parents called to say I had to stay where I was. All hope was gone. Those two had raised me to believe I was powerless. Grandma knew how it was. She left an abusive alcoholic. Forty odd years on, my kids’ lives are impacted by this. I think I hate my parents.
Another way I look at my grief is that when I meet people now and I learn they have experienced narcissism in their lives, I am immediately empathetic and give them an audience with me. I don’t trauma bond over it, but I have a much better understanding of where they’re coming from and it makes me see them more clearly…accepting them more easily. So grief, to me, has a silver lining.
I grieve the dream I thought I lived….
Same
@@shawnskifstad9074 that’s the hardest bit.
After he hurt me recently i felt all the 52 years i have been married to him ,had all been for nothing, but at least i did have 4 beautiful daughters.
It is very confusing when you have beautiful children from such an awful relationship. I have struggled with the same. After 26 years of marriage and raising two beautiful boys, I’m ready to walk out. My narcissist is the neglectful narcissist, and it’s like living with a ghost. However, recently he has become extremely verbally and emotionally abusive And I just don’t think I want to live the rest of my life like this. I like Dr. Ramani’s grief. Mine is loss of family sense of belonging and hope for justice. The biggest thing I will ever do in my life is to walk out of this marriage. Dr. Ramani helps. Keep me grounded.
@@CTHou13 I wish you peace and happiness.
@@shirleybarrett605 thank you. I’m working on it. Therapy is helping.
Always nice listening to your channel. Walking in the grief but staying positive for the future with a smile and truly be joyful in myself. Retraining my thoughts to embody self worth and still love outwardly has been a struggle but I noticed that the more I smile and be careful who gets my genuine love has been the most powerful thing in healing. Love your teachings. Thank you for the work you put to helping people heal. ❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I had a sudden grief attack after witnessing another narcissistic person mistreating others at work. All the trauma from childhood and narcissistic partners came back rushing to me and I drowned. I literally couldn’t work, think straight or do anything. I had to take time off work to understand what’s happening to me and to deal with it. I was grieving all the things you mentioned in this video . Nothing seems real, or make sense anymore. It’s like my life I lived until now is a big lie or I was asleep and just woke up.
Thank you so much for creating this video, I feel less crazy, it’s so hard to believe that I am not making all this up in my head or I am not overthinking again. I tried to explain it to people I trust but no one gets it.
I have being lonely my whole life but this isolation cuts really deep.
Thank you for staying positive and showing us there’s a bright side to all of this. I don’t know if I will ever believe again in love, family, trust however, I know I will be okay and I believe I will one day give hope to many others just like you do.
❤❤❤
We all deserve to grieve whats been lost, and all the hopes we had for our future dreams. However, there is a divine reason, a “Divine Intervention” that has gathered us all here. Time to take your power back, “It’s NOT YOU.” You are blessed. You are Free. You will heal.
"Being a good person is not always rewarded" - it's so true. But I am trying to be that for myself, for I feel much lighter and happier if I am not so mean, so calculating and so exploiting as the narcissists I could kick out of my life.
Congratulations on the new book and a million thanks to Dr. Ramani. ❤
I will hold a ceremonial grief day now, at 52, upon listening to this video... to cry for one last time over all these 9 things (and more).
Hugs to All other grievers ❤.
YES! #9 they do things just under the radar in such a way they aren't really breaking any rules or laws. Yes, they gallop off unscathed leaving people having to deal with what happened for years. The guy I had would say, "believe me I forget things very easily; I can move on very easily.." and he has. Has already been with 10+ women since me and I am still ruminating and in shock over what took place and that I let this happen to me a year ago.
Weird this is the topic today. After 12 years I still have an occasional bad dream (last night) about my late husband and he is doing yet another hateful thing to me in the dream. I am so thankful the universe took him. Now I wish my mind/psyche would let him go. His memory is toxic.
My partner was taken by a brain tumour nearly 6 months ago. I am so thankful he was taken as I now have an opportunity to live and be free. But this self discovery hurts so much - it is making me feel ill
I am grieving my lovely cat who died today. She was worth loving and crying over whereas narcissists have not been at all.
i so wish i could give u more than 1 thumbs up cause ‘ain’t that the truth’!!!! I’m so sad for you too ☹️ I love my cat too xox
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I really appreciate it.
I was just healing from the double leo psycho from long ago and clicking cat emogis and there you were. Visualizing you're okay - it's painful to lose such beings. She is in a less crazy place than Earth 2024, however. Peace@@AlexLouiseWest
@@treysmythsandtunesThank you.
Currently grieving the loss of friends through a smear campaign, I can rationalise that these people were probably never truest my friends if they’re willing to be swayed so easily but I think part of it is them not understanding the depths these people will go to and the sick lies they’re willing to tell, it is hard to believe. Everything I say and do is twisted. I’m just laying low until they get bored and move on. It is that sense of injustice. One day I’ll meet people who “get it” and are safe but right now it’s pretty lonely.
Hello Dr. Ramani❤❤❤Your videos help so many if my friends or fam heal from these narcissistic relationships. Thanks so much!!!
Thanks for this video, Dr Ramani. It's 7 years since my n-ex left me and I am still grieving my lost opportunities, lost innocence, and loss of hope. I'm not living the life I would have wanted to live if I hadn't been married to him, and now I never will. The thought that he knew it too, and really doesn't care, and even revels in the thought that he reduced my potential, can be hard to bear.
Watching this is painful. The pain is so real. I lost 11 years, my youth, my confidence, isolated from friends. Painful memories and reality. I am angry with myself for letting this happen. There’s no one to talk to.
I feel like I'm dying inside. It's overwhelming. I have good days and bad.
I grieve how happy we could have been IF ONLY he could let go of his narcissism. Seems like a small thing to do but it was somehow impossible for him to change. Even therapy could not help him. I truly loved him, even though he was broken but he really hurt me up to a point I did not feel safe when I was with him. I always wondered if it had to do with me! Maybe I was really not enough. But then no soul deserves to be treated the way he treated me. We’re not together anymore. I still get sad. Still miss him. Still cry. My only hope is that time makes the pain get less
Thank you for this timely video, Dr. Ramani. There is immense grief, and we need to talk about it more.
Yes, healing in the absence of justice can be very difficult to digest.
I am loving your new book so far, and have been recommending it! 😊
I grieve “Dr Jeckyll” 😢 I mean the figure of someone who never existed
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I ordered this book from Amazon few days ago and awaiting arrival. Can’t wait to read it.
This video about grief came just in time. I am amazed at how well you are able to articulate and put our thoughts and feelings in perspective so we can make some sense of the roller coaster ride we are on when navigating narcissistic and enabling flying monkeys .
May the divine continue to protect and guide you and may your own healing journey continue to make you stronger happier person 🌈🌈
The book is phenomenal and so accurate it scared me; but, scared into action to heal
Still a little surprise with the instability.
I mentioned a plan to repeat preparing a food and I was happy because I had an amazing time with a relative. My narc mom find all the reason to complain as if everything is so bad.
I am happy without her.
Same here. Ive been overcome with rage and grief about what I lost of myself over the years trying to make parents happy who will never stop invalidating me, no matter what I did or didnt do.
Great video. You mentioned how the narcissist barely stays below the radar. They gallop off. I can relate. Took me years to figure it out. I'm getting there.
I've just read chapter 6 of It's Not You and came to a helpful epiphany. For me. Wanting justice or revenge is pointless, but I felt better realizing that there is justice. They have to be themselves , perpetually unsatisfied, and I get to be me, someone healable with a future
I grieved for not having the parents like I heard about when I was in middle school
I grieved that my father had to be arrested & carted off to a psychiatric hospital to treat his alcoholism
I grieved that my children were living in somewhat similar circumstances minus the malignant ex being carted off
He was handed court order to leave the family home
I realised I had repeated the pattern of my own childhood & I was determined not to put my children through same
Apart from the hovering I didn't repeat it & carved out a happy home with my children
I did grieve the lost years
Where justice goes to die...that truthbomb made me laugh 😊
I felt so bamboozled overall.. the biggest issue for me was how inauthentic EVERYTHING was for all of that time
Thanks Dr Ramani, The mailwoman just dropped my book off ❤
I grieved hope, soooo many years wasted, grieve a father for my son, real marriage, many opportunities, self esteem, self worth, love, attention, friendship, companionship, grieving normal regular life. I planned to leave soon to be with someone else then my new potential partner died of a heart attack at 53. Now I’m grieving the plans I had for my new life with my new partner.
The book is GREAT !!!!
Congratulations 🎈🎉
Thank you for addressing the nuances that are important aspects in 😢these relationships…
I greive that I never felt important to my parents. I felt like I didn't deserve much and I could never be myself.
Lots of gratitude and love for you Dr. Ramani❤❤❤
Spot on as usual
I grieve that I will NEVER completely feel that I am worthy of unconditional love, worthy of safety, and worthy of security. 😢
the grieving has all but come to an end. I just love listening to Dr. Ramani! :) But the experiences (with several narcissists), has changed me. I no longer walk blindfolded like a child into relationship with these people.
Leaving when 4 of my 5 children had special needs and my parents encouraged me to leave so they could help "whip them into shape" meant I stayed far longer than I should have. The devastation to my psyche has lasted far too long because too few believed I was abused.
Okay doctor Ramani, once again saved by you. From a malignant Narcissist, to a neglectful narcissist, from the second one what I most grieve was that hope. That there were a lot of good days, but mostly I felt neglected. It's been all thanks to you. When I saw your video about neglectful narcissist it all made sense. But it still hurts. Hurts a lot
This was one of the BEST videos I’ve watched. Thank you!
Hi Dr. Ramani, have you ever made a video talking about how narcissists seem to respond EXCEEDINGLY poorly to sarcasm, even when it clearly doesn't apply to them at all? It's like they're so incapable of even conceiving the possibility that something isn't about them, that in their mind, everything exists to either prop them up or bring them down.
I agree what I thought I had, but I had nothing in the end
just got the book! I am listening to this as I drive home from dinner with my nmom after yet another attempt at reconciliation. the screaming matches. the blame and gaslighting. I keep coming back. need that radical acceptance
I love this, people always are saying families have to be this or that. Nope. I believed but now I am very much grieving what I thought my family was supposed to be.
Im just glad he ended it. Time to myself. I looked up ways to get over someone. It said think of all the bad stuff they did to you. Compared to the good. Its been 5 years. Im just glad i never lived with him or in a real relationship. Im still hurting though. I want to be single forever now. No contact is best if you get away. Just sucks theyre always watching you. Im also creeped out by the guy now.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
I feel you. I went through a very similar experience. My wife withdrew sex and even making out or anything that could lead there. We were in a same sex relationship and she even told me before that it was because of past trauma that she withdrew. Come to find out that she had been sleeping with one of our very close friends..The worthlessness hurts, and hits so hard. The “why wasn’t I enough?” Yk.
My sister had this same situation in her 6 year marriage. Turns out he was having relationship with another man! Only she loved him so much that she stayed in the marriage. Now they’re a threesome! I don’t even try to understand this…I just try not to judge! She’ll eventually come around…
Brilliant summary, explanations, and examples. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!
Just bought your book. I have your Should I stay or should I go. Tremendous learning and life changing reading it. It's SPOT ON!!! Thank you Dr Ramani!!! ❤❤❤❤❤
I grieve for my children who will never understand unconditional love and support from their father. Especially having to see them watch their friends who do have a good father.
I got my book, and the audio too. I haven't finished listening yet, Thank you for dedicating all the study and intelligence to such an important matter afflicting humanity at this time.
Thank you Dr Ramani for this opportunity to share this podcast. Through these experiences of narcissism have learned to be selective and disconnect from people that serve me no good, this be family included. (Siblings) Through the time frame of this scenario, I was compelled to navigate a path that was tough and bumpy. I kept saying to myself never give up on my goals and always remember that BAD NEWS travel faster than Good NEWS. I have healed and taken on a new leap of faith, understanding that although I genuinely care for my fellow human being, this relationship must go both ways for a healthy outcome. Thanks once again for this educational support. God bless. ❤
Never-ending grief is the hallmark of these relationships. It isnt the reality you convinced yourself of, it is the conflicting world you have to remind yourself of not being the truth.With family, the indoctrination creates a lifetime inner battle of what you know, what you experienced, and what you want. It doesnt matter how much healing or accepting you do, there is always grief being presented. It doesnt end with these people when its the foundation of your life.
This is why being told to move on is so enraging and invalidating.
Ohhh! You sooo speak the truth! I do believe however that while the trauma of the Narc will be with me always… allowing myself to feel embarrassed, angry, and kinda stupid…I’m learning to forgive myself. Bc I don’t think like a Narc and I just didn’t see it coming! I kno better now but I didn’t know what I didn’t kno….cant keep beating myself up for that! Forgive yourself…it’s truly the 1st step to healing… ❤️🩹
This is probably the most significant video I have seen in regard to realizing who exactly my father is after trying to get his approval and acceptance for 52 years
I’ve just read the book. It’s really helpful. Thank you 🥰 I went to see my narcissistic mother and my lovely but terminally ill step father yesterday. All I could safely safely talk about was washing machines, chicken wire and cleaning a cooker. Not how I feel about my lovely step dad, not the hurt of being betrayed by my mother, not how she has no empathy and wants me to parent her. It’s just a fabrication of a relationship. Utterly awful. I cried a lot when I came home.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, I always appreciate the truth and wisdom you share. It’s been a decade since I have had to deal with the narcissistic family. Healing comes slowly and listening to you and reading your books has been an incredible help. The issues that continue to linger ten years later are the grief of hope and the grief of justice. The idea of radical acceptance can help keep bitterness at bay. You explain grief is a tunnel but my experience is that it’s a very nasty roller coaster ride, far worse than a 7.1 earthquake and all the following aftershocks (again from personal experience!). The experience may end but it but it changes you and your expectations.
I have just ordered your book Dr Ramani. I'm very excited about it! Thank you again for your beautiful words that help so much.
Loss of innocence, loss of trust loss of trust, knowing that I SHORTCHAMGED MYSELF, loss of hope, and opportunities that I had but couldn't believe in because u CHOSE to be with narcissistic people because that's who I was groomed by
I so love this book Dr Ramani 💕❤❤
the loss of hope that things will change for the better has gotten to me. it's my adult child who is also in a very narcissistic relationship. and i kept hoping for more, for better, for something more . this hope is fading fast and we will always be the bad people. it hurts, it breaks my heart. and, yes, thank to you Dr Ramani, i'm learning to distance myself and try to live my best life.