Narcissistic relationships LEAD TO F***ED UP RESILIENCE
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- Опубліковано 11 січ 2024
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You become like a real life cartoon character. Where you experience the most horrific things and then bounce back like nothing happened. It’s a survival mechanism.
That's a very good metaphor. We all turn into Wile E. Coyote. Perpetually chasing after something we can't catch because that's just the way it is. Getting hurt. Bouncing back.
Yes because in my theory they are cartoon characters to begin with. They have turned into cartoon characters and lost their Humanity because of their disorder. We have to get on their level in order to survive?! As we so often do.
And it conforms to the expectations of the narc- "get over it" ❤
Yup. I hope we can all live without that anvil someday. It really brightens your day to not have that fall on your head anymore.
My life was like a crazy movie. I almost died so many times I lost count. No mercy from family. Just survive a tornado in your truck? You need to be berated. Just almost got stabbed to death? You need to be berated. Almost die in a car wreck? You guessed it! You need to be berated and lied about. Nothing helps recover from a near death experience like family taking the opportunity to dump their emotional garbage on you in order to "help" you. If they had to walk to the mailbox in 90 degree heat, that's a real near death experience. You must comfort them. They picked up your mail too! You don't even care that you almost killed them just to get your mail.
I'm at the end of being resilient, I'm now experiencing depression. Resilience is seen as positive but it's exhausting physically and mentally.
So so true. A narc relationship has to the most unhealthy, isolating and exhausting relationship to be in 😔 x
You’re correct and I think that’s the point of the title. For me the resilience includes not trusting most people and most things. More cynicism, more skepticism and disbelief. Yes you’re more resilient with a defensive posture. 👍
I'm in the same place as you.
This is what I've been going through as well
Yes! The excessive need to be resilient can burn us out.
Hyper resilience makes it hard to establish boundaries and find your voice. You become hyper accommodating, to the point of erasing yourself. In essence, WE'VE BEEN ERASED (since childhood, for many of us). It's up to us to find ourselves and start existing as a separate entity from the people we trained ourselves to serve/please.
God, that's so true. Learning to detach yourself from other people's unhealthy and emotional dependence on you, and believing that it's not your responsibility to manage another person's emotions is a hell in itself to recondition, but it's the right thing to do, because that way everyone, yourself included, will have the opportunity to stand on their own and focus on their own growth without feeling bad about it. There's a better and more authentic version of yourself on the other side of it, fight on, friends. ✊ ❤️
The overcompensation for abusive narc. relationships actually helped continue to unravel my life even now nearly 15 years after the innitial trauma ended. Due to how my family shaped me into their scapegoat medical professionals would not take me seriously. Theyd essentially give me medical speak for 'the abuse is made up and youre attention-seeking. Grow up.' So I DIYed my own repairs. I became hyperfocused on autocorrect and helped justify what is now clear signs of undiagnosed high functioning autism. Due to having this trauma it felt reasonable that I became unhealthily hyper fixated with psychology, biology, and human developement. The trauma made me adaptable, empathetic, and defensively selective on when and how I self soothed helping further hide the more expected warning signs of autism. Now as im reaching a point where the autistic benefits to my cptsd and ptsd from narcissists has been corrected and for the most part the overcompensation of resilliance has been balanced all the other signs of neurodivergency is compounding without focus destroying anything good I end up unhealthily fixating upon. Im tired and emotionally fed up of essentially finding my own homebrewed solutions that feel more like bandaids on an broken bone. When I tried to get professional help for processing autism it was another "you clearly used dr google to delude yourself again. Youre not showing all the big warning signs (intolerance, inflexibility, lack of emotional regulation and irrational empathy). Your attention seeking. Come back when you have a real problem." Meanwhile my emotional bone is sticking out of my skin, clearly broken, and its impairing my life. It doesnt take a medical degree to understand why thats the case. If I had broken my arm, bones sticking out, and i just walk around like that saying im fine one of two things is going to happen. Most everyone that sees me would have a gutteral wtf RUN AWAY reaction and Id eventually be forciably treated. Because its behavioral, developemental, Mental damage its not as obvious to the typical onlooker but anyone that gets close to me has that gutteral wtf run reaction and I dont know where to start with correcting it in a healthy manner. I atleast want someone to sit down and tell me how long i will have to walk around like this cause at this point ive spent 3/4ths of my life going through autorepair updates patiently waiting for life to be livable again. If this is all life is then I dont blame people for opting out.
Yep..
We were erased😢 thank you💔
It's one of the most difficult things I had to do and still working on it
Yep! This is why I am downright sick and tired of hearing how strong/resilient I am. It's lonely and exhausting. I'd much rather be "weak" and have actual support than have to find my own solutions every freaking time.
Giiiirl!!! I hear you but at the end of the day, I'm so glad I don't have to lean on other ppl.
Being overly resilient can seriously damage your ability to be vulnerable, and to receive much needed help and support from healthy others.
Yes! I am like this!
Admittedly, I have become hair trigger quick at shutting down my vulnerability. Hurtful towards a good friend who called me on my "slam shut" attitude. It was not their fault that I locked up. They have always been good to me and the intimacy and vulnerability was too uncomfortable. I apologized this morning when they explained their feelings.
Sad but true
Yes💛
Yes I am like this. I’m working on it though. 😅
As a child being raised by two malignant narcissists, it was either get really, REALLY resilient and self-reliant or give in to suicidal ideations. The first time I realized that my life was not going to get any better, and that I wouldn't be missed if I died, I was eight-years-old. But, I came to the conclusion that my death would only give them more attention and sympathy and I refused to give them the satisfaction.
As a small child, I remember giving the narcissist mother tests to see her reaction and learn more about how she felt about me and concluded without hysteria or grief at the age of about 8 or 9, that she loved her potted plants more than she loved me. Planning my suicide when I was 16 was a logistical nightmare because I had to do it in such a way that she could not profit from my death, she could not pretend that it wasn't driven by her vicious treatment of me and that someone might become aware of who she really was, not the church going, morality warrior and sweet person she pretended to be. This resonated so much. I clearly did not successfully commit suicide but it definitely warred with my need to survive despite her. So one foot in front of the other is survival of sorts but it isn't really living either.
💯
Your last statement was interesting. Should something happen to us, tragically… no one would be around to tell the whole and actual story of how you would get to such a desolate and lonely space. Any one left behind… would … yes.. give the narration to the story. And we all know the enablers and flying monkeys would help push that over the finish line. And any good legacy of yourself would be tarnished and re written. Most people sadly love the game of it all… instead of thinking for themselves. I really hope and pray for those reading and listening to this videos that that never happens to you… and the option of allowing people/s to manufacture your life incorrectly and with malice … never get the chance to. We all deserve to be understood, safe and cherished. 😊
How many times, before I discovered information about narcissism did I say to myself, mom, you couldn’t kill me, and this current situation won’t kill me either. If I can get over your abuse, I can handle anything.
@@Jenny-go6ig oh Jenny. I thank you for being here. You are so brave & strong, you are loved💖
It makes you not to need others in your life. You go it alone forever. Due to the many narc relationships, you definitely are a survivor. It was always heartbreaking to me how I had no help, in anyway. I learned early on not to even ask for help, from anyone, only because it hurt too bad to be turned down. It was painful and made me feel even more alone. My reward for the resilience I've had, is to hear others tell me how much peace they feel in my home and being around me.
Ditto❤
"It makes you not to need others in your life."
MmmmHmmm
Yes! Exactly! You explained this at well. Now I make more sense to myself... TY. ❤️
I’m very sorry about your suffering and abuse that you handled well yet it was a nightmare.
I’m very sorry about your suffering and abuse that you handled well yet it was a nightmare.
Toxic positivity, lack of ability to ask for any help, have any needs or desires, being fine because you have to be, always being on/never being able to relax, constantly working with no leisure time and WORSE!
This is me.
It's possible that toxic positivity exists but I think it's more that person's recognize your in a tough spot or having to do everything yourself and offer in reality no help except to point out the obvious. These people are recognized for who they are and the supposed "help" they intend to offer and so the resilient person will politely decline their offers of supposed "help". Real help comes in minute amounts very infrequently and believe me, like bread crumbs it is gobbled up. Because resilient people are waste not want not people just like very impoverished people they gather up every useful item that will further their survival . It's a tough road and unfortunately there are manly onlookers and commentators. No one of real substance is stepping forward for you. You want to help then just do it and make it real help not a rock thrown in the way. And if you don't know how then keep your ignorant comments to yourself and keep walking on by. That alone would be a big help.
How many people I can relate to on this comment thread and video is mind-blowing to me.
I have had many people comment on my resilience and “how well adjusted” I turned out, but I sure wish I had the ability to trust other humans and not believe that rejection/abandonment are “when’s” not “if’s”.
I was called HEROIC by friends.. self sacrificing, adapting to ridiculous circumstances.
Everyone telling me how put together I am, how calm and cool and collected, measured and professional in stressful situations, how empathetic and good at listening....
Me: Thanks it's the trauma!
@realtalk4994 so true. User name checks out 😂
I completely understand
Yeah. Friends always leave. I never do understand why, except for the last three, who I got rid of because they turned out to be narcissistic; big surprise. I love my own company and I'd rather be alone than abused, thank you very much. :)
Giving us all a big group hug. We are amazing beyond what anyone else could ever imagine.
Indeed!
Yup. Narc coworker who was bullying me just outed themself without me having to react or complain about them. I kept my cool, used gray rock method, and eventually they dug their own grave. Took a lot of time and patience in waiting for the day. My learned wisdom from previous abuse and resilience paid off. Lots of prayer as well.
Seriously that’s so true! Sending giant hugs and good energy 🤗
Hugs to all of us narc survivors. 🤗
Awww that's sweet, thank you 💖
I have never felt more understood in my life! I was single for each of my 3 pregnancies, as I chose narcissistic partners due to being raised by narcissistic parents. People would tell me "You're so strong! I could never do that by myself!". I always felt like these were insincere compliments: I had no other CHOICE but to endure! I loathed being alone during gestation. This video was like a huge hug to my heart!
I stayed in the relationship my babies would have been better off if I had done it alone
Yes, the compliments feel insincere and then the lack of help just feels it like a repeating loop of difficulty.
….3…..please for your childrens sake don’t have anymore and concentrate on your own trauma so you don’t pass on the generational trauma….😢
🤗❤
No choice? Your body your choice. Keep your skirt on.
My endurance is much better after my last narcissistic rodeo but I can tell I've lost my mental flexibility, I've become rigid in my boundaries and so very wary of people. I hope these things heal with time, self love, and some gentle steering.
I hate when people say I’m strong. I’m not and have been way past my breaking point.
It's easier for them to say this as it means they neatly avoid seeing our pain x
@@MirAndHer yes! It’s like a masked and outted dismissal from accountability of not providing support to someone who clearly needed it.
@@TracyMarieBriare here in solidarity with those of us who are not 'strong' but have somehow - against all odds - survived. I see you! Hugs xx
Telling someone they're strong it's a way of saying that they don't need to give you any help
Hugs to you! ❤️
"Can seem less like resilience and more like endurance" -- resonates.
Right……. That really got me too!
You know, you make me ponder whether I have become LESS resilient -- but in a good way. I have so little tolerance these days for anything that stresses me out or whiffs of any degree of narcissism. So I address it (kindly) and/or set boundaries because I just don't want it in my life.
We become connoisseurs of red flags.
My town is so full of them you could throw a hand full of rocks in the air and they'd all find a home.
I love your comment. I definitely believe I have gone through the same transformation. My resilience allowed me to survive my abusive family and then gave me the strength to get away from them to face the world alone. But when kids came along in my 30s, I realised I no longer had the strength or interest to tackle the world head on the same way. Having young kids made me tired of course, but when it was time I could have reentered the working world, i instead consciously slowed down and took a step back. I've become increasingly careful about who I interact with (avoiding friends whose husband display similar characteristics to my abusive fsther for instance), have confidently turned down lucrative job opportunities when I sense it would be an unhealthy work environment, and have very much been in self hibernation mode to ensure I heal from my past and give my best self to my children. Before children I faced the world like a warrior, accepting I had no choice. I'm now older and wiser, and want to preserve as much of my spirit, energy, and soul for only people and situations that don't drain me.
The emotional regulation that we have to inhabit is beyond insane in terms of patience, restraint, letting go, and accepting abuse and (emotional) neglect without ever having the opportunity to retaliate or find support.
Most people can't even fathom this let alone thrive or survive.
Very well said and felt by myself.
Resilience + Struggling to survive = Extreme Psychological Exhaustion
I call it numbness. At a certain point, negative situations don't have the same impact as they used to.
The tricky thing is that you also become numb to even good news.
Then you question if you're depressed, or if you are the problem.
Same.
I'm sure many survivors immediately knew what you meant by "f***ed up resilience" when they read it in the title. Some of our memoirs would be multiple volumes long with how much adversity we later overcome because of the strength we developed as children. Education and awareness are key. If you add that awareness of narcissism to the lifelong resilience, a person can topple tyrants and dictators. Literally. Thank you for the work you do.
Well said 👍
So incredibly true...
Agreed, I recognized what it meant on sight.
Haha. The book I am writing based on my experiences with my late Narc is now up to an estimated 3 volumes! As I move through the writing process I start remembering more and more of the earlier years.
AMEN TO THAT
The older I get, my bounce back ability is not as resilient. The knocks get harder to get up from.
We REALLY don’t see it as resilience, you are Soooooo RIGHT‼️💯 And as an adult, I find myself having to now spend time alone to recharge more, eventhough I’m an extrovert. I believe ALL of the years of having to be adaptable for others, has made me LOVE just spending time with myself. 🤗
Maybe this is also f-up resilience too. My thought has always been, "No one can really hurt me because I survived the greatest hurt of all: not having the true unconditional love of a mother. Having survived that, none of the friendship hurts, etc. can ever affected me as much."
Hugs to all the survivors out there! You're not alone!
I’ve thought that before too!
I think that almost every day. "No one can do anything to me that will hurt more than what I've already been through." At the hands of my own parents no less.
I use that counter-dread constructively too 😊
I prophesize “man my first romantic breakup will probably be weirdly absent of mourning or hurt”
Yup that's me.
I'm seventy, and my narcissistic, abusive mother died in early December. I've never felt so light in my life.
I, too, was very adaptable.
Was.
In recent years I decided I didn't need to "adapt "to any more crap. I've made clear boundaries and no one narcissistic gets within fifty feet of me. This is MY time. Life is good!
Keep shining, you are free! Enjoy 😊
Yay‼️‼️‼️ So happy for you❤️.
Every breath is yours.
❤ wishing you good health and many fulfilling years to come!
My mom is 84. Driving me up a wall. Can't wait.
Oh man. This is so on target and explains everything about my personality. I am working on being less adaptable. My new phrase - “This is unacceptable.” ❤
I like that phrase. Might borrow it. Been practicing “no” in the mirror.
We had to be resilient! I consider resilience as a gift when you’re young theres wisdom in that, it keeps you moving forward. As we age and get older we know more of what to do and not to do on how to use that resilience to not tolerate and accept of unacceptable behavior.
I've always had a hard time accepting the compliments I get for being resilient. "You're handling it beautifully..." was my favourite.
Even then it felt odd as a part of me wondered, "...yes, but should I be?"
The grief of being so ff ing tired after being resilient my whole life and constantly being let down by people I loved and cared for deeply. I got all the vampires out and my boundaries are up and now I feel almost literally drained of blood and energy. A very bittersweet and forcibly aquired talent, this resiliency thing.
Two narcissist parents - I was literally drained of energy. I have multiple chronic fatigue and pain conditions and have been housebound and severely disabled since I was a teenager. My life, my body, my nervous system was literally destroyed.
😢
😢 ❤@@cosmicmuffin322
Yes me too…I’m finally at a point where I can craft the life I want but I’m too tired to do so
Your comment really hit home. I separated myself from my family at 19/20, and one thing I remember since is how tired I am. Im certainly happier without their abuse in my life, but it was almost like the adrenaline that has been surging through me before that to survive them suddenly stopped, leaving me exhausted. The exhaustion was made even worse when processing what the hell happened to me in childhood. Im a very physically healthy person but i have to take long naps to this day I believe as a response to working through all that confusion and pain. My emotional and subconscious memories have left me drained even years later.
Always thought my strong capacity to be flexible, adaptable and resilient were some of my superpowers, until I discovered they were kind of a trauma response 🤡
Same here, except I used to be sort of surprised that other people were so inflexible, getting caught up in things that I saw as just passing stress. Meanwhile, I was overly tripped up by what other people with good boundaries just weren't affected by. Now I am trying to be more like regular people. It took a long while for me to be able to correctly identify what is unacceptable and not react other than to detach AND walk away.
Good part is, if we're gonna have trauma responses anyway...that'a a damn good one to have, I now believe. At the very least, we can still laugh. 😝
“Flexible, adaptable and resilient” was my old workplace mantra!
Yo, same!
I think this “resilience” has multiple stages. I’m at an ANGER stage. I bolt and roar, like a very angry Russian Bear, at every provocation, every insult, every expression of belittling by him, especially -and mostly-if it has to do with protecting my 4 children.
I am at a “I am done” stage, even though I persevere.
I am at a “get lost!” stage, even though I, myself, feel like I sooooo need to be finally found.
And then later, I’m in my corner of solitude, away from seeing eyes, if only for a few hrs, falling apart, pouring my soul to God to sustain me once again, picking up pieces, glueing them together with that “resilience” stuff - and another day begins.
I put on the armor of “don’t mess with me” and get ready for another battle.
This is the product of “becoming one-while completely loosing and forgetting self” stupidity that I grew up and marinated in all my life….
Now, I’m at an ANGER stage. And don’t you mess with me or my children! God help me!🙏🏻
When you learn that your needs will always come last, you stop sharing your needs with others... You take care of everyone else's needs first, then, if you have time, you take care of your own needs yourself.
This. I’m done with resilience. My tolerance finally ended.
Me too
I dont endure any more. im decisive in taking care of myself. yet still love to give to those who appreciate it.
Me too, this very morning. Never been so sick of this awful treatment from 1 husband and 3 kids, who are all horrible narcissists!!!
Good for all of you. Take a long rest away from narcs and focus on being healthy and happy. Comedy helps me & therapy.
It’s true, you just come to a point where you literally physically or emotionally can’t do it anymore.
This is one of your BEST. I HATE people telling me how 'resilient' I am! It's teh same as being called a survivor. Utterly sick to my stomach of 'surviving'. This is a half life!
I feel SO seen! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ My father is a narcissist , and my mom was both his victim but also my greatest support. I sadly married a narcissist , and when my mom died 6 years ago, i was forced to become stronger and more resiliant than I even knew was possible. I left my abuser last year and am healing now. I am in grad school to be a Psychiatric nurse practitioner ! ❤
I've thought about going back to school for psychology because of what I've experienced
This video described my entire life!! I have had to be super strong, super resiliant & super independent due to the fact that I was raised by abusive narcs & I've been abused most of my life. I have had to face all of my struggles alone, fight my vattles alone & even celebrate my accomplishments alone because no one else cared enough to celebrate them. People gave made comments about how strong & independent I am, yet they dont understand its because I have had no choice but to be strong and resilient. I have never been allowed to be weak or simply be human. Thank you for making this video.
The worst is when couples counselors don't understand that you're the one with such resilience and the only one with consistent empathy, and you try to stand up for yourself for once, and they say, "well, have you ever thought of it from HIS perspective?" And they don't realize, I LIVE in his perspective, so much so that I've abandoned my own perspective! And why is it that even the female couples counselors expect me to empathize with HIM, but we somehow never get around to asking HIM to empathize with ME?!?!?! 🤔 The philosophy Kate Mann has coined to term "himpathy" for society's tendency (both men AND women in a patriarchical system) to have sympathy for the man, even though he was the one who caused the harm, and avoid holding him accountable because of how negatively accountability would affect him, and the damage that he did to the woman somehow just drops off of our collective radar (think Brock Turner.)
fabulous!!!!!!!! the very reason I refused couples counseling with my 2 faced narc husband. instead I ran at 10 months. I knew that it was Just an opportunity to betray, abuse, manipulate, and stall..
So true sadly. I see this behaviour from my family. It’s very frustrating but as usual, I have to be the resilient one and try and rise above how I truly feel inside. No one cares anyway 😔
ew,you are the problem
your feminazi bullshiti is NOT wanted around here
So true. The only way I get a word in is to interrupt him, otherwise he monologues for literally hours. At marriage therapy, in the first session, the therapist pulled me up on it. He had free reign after that, I didn't get to talk too much.
I am left speechless at the accuracy and thoroughness of the information you shared here. You articulated this area of the survivors' experience so well.
Yes, exactly. NO SUPPORT, NO LOVE, NO RECOGNITION. ONLY SABOTAGE and Assaults. Resilient and now Exhausted.
This video really hit home for myself…. No one wanted to be in this ‘group’…. This kind of resilience comes with a HUGE cost. 😊
Being that resilient creates immune conditions in the long run.
The hardest part is switching gears when you encounter another person with the same narcissistic “DEMONS.”
You have to use ALL if your strength not to find the nearest sledgehammer.
It’s easy to throw a punch, but it takes extreme, supernatural strength to NOT, in every sense!
There in lies the healing!
Walk with your head held high and stand in your “Lioness-ness.”
Keep God in your heart continuously!🙏❤️🕊
Well put!!
We might be in the relationship thinking they'll take care of us in old age or during illness. They don't. They abandon us without a thought. We have to be resilient and not compromise our dignity
I just never assumed my parents would. it was cleaner to just stand on that than be disappointed so many times.
and I went forward with that resolve. beginning to earn and save Money at 12 yrs old. in the end I did get and inheritance...very late in life. which I am grateful for.
I don't think it is healthy to expect anyone to take care of me, if gets to the point I can't take care of me then it will be my cue to bow out and let my life end. That is my level of resiliency. I've seen too many who focus too much on children not being there to take of them in old age and is such a negative way to live one's life, I'll straight out say I have no children and take care of myself
Exactly. My now ex-husband wouldn't help when I had the flu for a week. So, that was my clue that in my old age, if I ever got really sick to where I couldn't take care of myself, he would be non-existent in helping.
I was born with a disability (Mild Cerebral Palsy) from the get-go (and I was the scapegoat), and my narcissistic family NEVER helped me out; they did the bare minimum. Knowing at the age of 6 that nobody was going to help me when it came to school, I was heavily and severely bullied, and no one cared. Having to adapt to a disability is hard enough; dealing with a narcissistic family system, where you have to look after the people who brought you up because they're too lazy to get their act together, adds another layer of difficulty. People tell me I am so resilient; it's insane, but I can never see it. I was always told, 'You're stupid,' 'You're not going to make anything of yourself,' etc. It took about two to six years for all the narcissists to actually leave my life, and I finally did get out of a lot of relationships.
YES AND AMEN!!! I WOULD SAY ME TOO..BUT..ALGORITHIM ..OH..WAIT?? I DID SAY IT DIDN'T I? WELL, there we have it then. KEEP ON KEEPIN ON BEAUTY!!!
@@GrammaMellow1 Thank you. As survivors we need to stick together and know that we're not alone in this that it's not our fault. I'm actually in the process of creating something that will be worthwhile, and it's actually taking my past and putting it to bed essentially.
I am so happy you survived❤
@@fashionforwarddd Thank you
Well done… those who have not had a disability… for what ever form that takes, can never truly understand nor see from that perception. It goes with you 24/7 and it impacts every corner of your life and the different aspects of potential. The troubles concerning your family would only intensify that and add a burden… frankly no child needs or deserves. Hope that get get to allow yourself the peace of mind, solace and abundance that could come your way navigating an outside force that wasn’t fairly dispersed. 😊
I found that the resilience will follow a long period of burnout. Unfortunately it’s when you finally get past the depression, anxiety and trauma you had endured for so long that you at some point “flip a switch “ and reevaluate your life and everyone in it. If often occurs when you finally start letting go of toxic people and situations as much as humanly possible.
Just remember, You are a warrior! You survived something so horrific, you can handle the next thing to come 💪
Why do we have to deal with these players? I have to stop being around these people, and sometimes it is just better to be alone. Thank you, Dr.R.
I’m resilient, adaptable, a hustler, and extremely low maintenance. Thank you for this!!
Same here.
Same!
Are you really low maintenance? Or did you just learn in a relationship of some kind that expressing needs and wants is somehow unlovable?
Go ahead, ask me how I know. 😥
Same.
@@NekoYukiThis. I ask myself the same. Probably, for me.
Every time I watch one of your videos, it adds one more piece to the puzzle in explaining my life experiences. I learned to depend on myself at an early age which led to me not asking for help sometimes when I needed as I got older. Asking feels like an intrusion on others when you know (or assume) they can't or won't come to your aid or you feel like an inconvenience to someone. This is truly f***ed up resilience because don't feel as though I can depend on anyone most of the time.
So true
I tried understanding and I read a lot of books, then turned to you tube. I can tell you after separation I join CPTSD group and went a few times. (very far nothing in my town) The one thing that resonated was another person said don't try to figure it out anymore you've learned all the terms and games. If you've been around it long enough, yeah you know playing chess with them is draining. They have been practicing their whole lives. When you catch up, you feel like an expert. Well that's because we survivors exhaust ourselves in figuring this out in order to make that get around, foresee if I do this or that how will it turn out. Etc. Etc. the end result is you need to work on you. If you can't be separated, find ways to do it. They are going to notice you are paying more attention in those little ways you will to do just for yourself. People asked me why I stuck around so long, 1) education there was no You Tube or smart phone for me until 2013 when I discovered my first book. 2)I knew the more I learned, strength is needed and the longer you've been around it the more worn down you've become. You need a team, your team was probably ripped away by controlling who your friends are and limited family visits. The hatred. You got this! 3) You Got this! I had a lot of fear, & I was really worried. Give those ideas up. Unless it's so bad you need a restraining order, now you work on you. the more you do the more you gain just a tiny bit of empowerment. 4) develop your plan and then 5) execute. I spent a long time between learning and planning execute but once I was holding control of the chess board, I was winning and lastly, I realized 2 years later that I had won, anyone who gets out is the winner of the game regardless of how poor, how tarnished or any of the negatives, in the end you are happier and you have won. Best of luck
Not only do you feel like needing help is an imposition, but I was trained by my narc parents that not being able to do the impossible and be perfect at it, without help or any instructions, made me a complete failure.
I always felt like a FAILURE , as Perfectionism wasn’t ever Good Enough!Straight-A’s Four years in a Row & I felt StupId & Phony! That was the Mocking Games that I was brought up with!
🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
You wrote my thoughts almost exactly
oh my god, you're describing me and my life so accurately! it's been a lifetime of pain and suffering. yees i've described it as walking to hell and back. it felt like a curse that followed me EVERYWHERE. had no help from anyone. always in survival mode. i feel seen and validated thank you
Knowing that someone else gets it is as close to validation as it gets. Suffering is a lonely guild with no red carpet awards show
An other issue I've stumbled across is the negative predisposition towards asking others for help and allowing others to hear your needs/vaunerabilties. I have a huge trigger around asking for help because of the lash out that used to come with.
The disappointment, isolation, needing to resolve things without having much resources or support. It's to the point I'll exhaust all of my other options first before I ask for help to ensure that I can't do it alone first just to prevent potential disappointment.
I'm 46, and I am just now starting to understand that it's actually okay to ask for help from people. I still have no idea how to do that, but now I understand it's possible. I can ask for help and I might even get it without getting yelled at like I created a problem by needing help.
Ditto, and I'm 69.
I'm 43 and I started to cry when I read your comment. It feels so weird to ask for help and learning to trust I'm not going to get questioned like a suspect or called dumb or worse and then feeling like I wasted so much time most times. Living with late diagnosed autism, I miss social cues and I'm learning how to enjoy the journey of life. 🎉Videos like this helps me not feel alone and then comments like this really brings it home 🫂🫂 Love you 🤟💞
So true. Having experienced narcissist abuse from parents and in also others adulthood, deciding not to be so adaptable all the time is the best boundary.
hip hip hooray.
WELL said.
@@life-rethought😂 hoooo hey hoooo
@@realtalk4994 👍
@@life-rethought 💯🙌🙌
I really needed to hear this. I think I am the truthteller in my family. I see that there is a poison in my family and its being passed down each generation. I've seen 3 generations affected by it. I've seen one of my relatives who was a sweet sensitive child, grow up and slowly change into a narcissistic person after her teenage years because of the pressure my family puts on us. Its just so sad to see it happen and be powerless to stop it. I often feel isolated because the family makes me the scapegoat, they don't want to interact with me because they know I see through it all and I don't enable. But also a part of me feels extremely isolated and lonely. Even though I have a partner and his family is super supportive, there's a part of me, a little child in me, that wants and craves for connection to my own family. But there's also a part of me that knows I will never get what I want. So I have to adapt, distance myself from toxicity and push myself forward and create my own life to achieve happiness. Its hard though, I think there's always a part of you that wishes so dearly that you had someone in your family or a friend that you could rely on for support.
I can relate to all you said.
@@deemaysie6568me too!
When you have been through a lot of hard times, people say things like "oh you must be so resilient to get through all of that!" And while people say that to try and be reassuring and positive, you wish you didn't have to prove your resiliency through that resiliency being tested to an excessive degree. The regrettably tested resiliency reminds you how much it was tested, and it can dig up feelings of grief.
Resilience is a double-edged sword. It saves you, but it's tiring AF. My child's resilience is stronger and more precision logical than mine. Mine is dwindling from overuse from my childhood with narc mother to my 22yrs with narcx. My kids are noticing I've been severely damaged from all the victim-survivor resilience. I'm in therapy and I'm just trying to regain a familiar shape to my life. I deserve peace, sanity and love. I'm just so tired on so many levels. Plus trying to get my children to address their own resilience and/or being stuck. It's tough helping adult children through their traumas when you're also a part of it, direct and indirect. Heaven help us all.
❤one difference in my story is that at 70 yrs I gave myself permission to rid myself of ALL out right narcissistic people- I still have some not so easy to detect! Alone is wonderful! ❤️
Exactly correct! What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, But we become stronger in the broken places! Thank you once again Dr. Ramani for putting words to The Craziness of the journey, also providing valuable insights to not only surviving, but thriving! And they even hate to see any semblance of thriving! Getting to a survivable cortisol level is so important on every level and your wisdom is power! Thanks so much ! Here’s to thriving in 2024 and beyond!❤
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.
If you look up Shelly Renee White online, you will find all the information you need. Thank you.
I've been working on developing and enforcing my personal boundaries, so that i can be more inflexible for my own comfort and safety.
Well put! Good luck to you as you fortify your comfort and safety boundaries.
In my former marriage I came to realize I was adapting myself right out of a relationship. I revolved around him and my presence was completely taken for granted.
One of my favorite talk show hosts, he's very hard, street smart, well educated, no nonsense kind of guy... The other day he out of the blue said narcissism is destroying this country. I thought how correct he is.
This video really helped me understand why I do the things I do the way I do. I really thought it was “just who I am” but it’s not, it’s definitely learned “F’d up resilience!”
This one hit me hard. I always think i'm rigid, not good enough and in the mean time my friends tell me i'm so sweet, flexible and lovely. I am learning to listen to them. I am still used to doing everything myself. not that i never got help, but it always cost me or i always had to hear " we had to help you" which meant i totally failed and i let them down, so now i never ask for help, ever. It's something i'm learning that it's okay to ask my friends.
Did you also get the extreme trades when you asked for help? Miss the bus once and you're responsible for getting the whole family up and breakfast made 2 hours before school so you never make that mistake again, for a week? Then my Mom got used to not parenting and tried to make that routine permanent.
WOW. It really hit home when you said resilient people are the ones you want to hold your hand at the gates of hell. That's me. I refuse to let anyone experience what I've gone through on their own. If I recognize someone needs help or would appreciate help, I try to be that person. And LMAO, I am the friend that is always preaching to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse because if you can survive zombies, then you can survive life on this planet. And always have multiple back up plans. And one more step, never count on anyone doing anything that they promise. You will never be caught off guard and you will always be ahead of the fire.
Totaly stand by you. The urge to help ppl in their crisis is so strong
Make sure you haven’t cultivated a social circle that will turn on you the time you stop providing this service and might actually need to take instead of give
Very similar. I'm always the one to stick my neck out for others but I'm often heartbroken how few return the favor. Zombie apocalypse!
You and I are twins fr
I have an immovable boundary because I'm a helper too. You only get to use my money once to solve a problem. Pay me back or not I gave you what I could safely spare, but I'm not a bank.
After a childhood of crap and a 25 year long term narcissistic relationship, makes total sense why I’m an obsessive learner the “Jill of all Trades”. I had to figure EVERYTHING out myself (and now have to learn the process of unf*#ng myself). I grew up in a rural home with an outhouse toilet, in 1974) and am now an engineer (and artist). Now I’m having to build a new life all over again, at 50.
My therapist asked me if I thought I was strong, honestly, I just feel I have no other choice. No one will rescue me if I fall down face first in the dirt. I will lay there with a mouth full of shit until I decide I need to move on. What other choice is there?
Through all of it, there was a constant. My mind. When things get really bad, I always think “am I dead? Nope”. My mind, my ever faithful thinker. Even when I’ve tried in the past to make it stop (through drugs, or alcohol) it is still there. Now I find solace in the unbreakable mental space.
Wow, this explains why I get referred to “a ray of sunshine” at work and some people including a close friend call me Sunshine. Ah so exhausting, thank you Dr. Ramini for this.❤
My whole life..."ray of sunshine."
As a young child, my mom would almost insist that I go out to dinner with she and my dad and their friends from church. This happened all the time. She was putting on the act that she wanted to go , but she never wanted to go. She always complained about her so-called friends, but facing them, she'd be the perfect Christian.
Because of all of this, she used me and would insist I go with them, so that I would do all the talking/entertaining & she wouldn't have to. I'd see what she was doing but couldn't accept it. What I'd believe, instead, would be this..."ohhh, you just light up the room wherever you go, everyone loves you, you're such a ray of sunshine."
I so badly wanted & needed this to be true. I wasn't capable of seeing her for who she was. It was abuse.
Saddest thing now, I never ever hear that anymore. I was able to be that ray of sunshine back then, because I was younger & had not yet gone through the rest of what has happened.
Now, at 55, I've aged, I'm numb, I've become the truth teller & scapegoat and endured the realization that I'll never be unconditionally loved by my mom. It has killed me. I am tired now, unhealthy, sad, and disconnected.
Now she is 86. She hates me. She dismisses me & looks at me with disdain. My sunshine is gone now & she, my narc sister, along with every damn narc I've allowed in my life, is the reason why.
Guess who is now heading into the phase of my life where I have to caretake her .... yep, me. And her cruelty now, in her elder years, may just do me in
This makes so much sense. I have an almost visceral negative response to being called "resilient". To me, resilient sounds like such a strong overcomer, victorious kind of word. I suffered and struggled. I had no choice. I had to survive. I am a very easy going person. I rarely complain when I am uncomfortable. I am so nice. I am always polite and apologetic. In other words I am a doormat. That doesn't sound like resilience to me. It does sound like F-ed up resilience. Thankyou for this twist on the meaning of this word.
I see myself in everything you just described. I especially hate it when my friends who I've been so loyal to decide to abruptly end the friendship whenever I actually set a standard or boundary.😢 That really hurts.
I have a similar reaction to being described as "strong". It's usually further described as resilient, persistent, able to handle anything and keep going. I'm told how amazing I am to have coped with all the shit I've had to deal with.
It's not strong, it's scars on top of scars on top of scars. It is intense burnout leading to physical health conditions, but still you have to keep going.
Oh my is this ever true. From a sibling in my childhood to romantic partners, I adapted- as a very "resilient" person. What a light bulb moment.
Same here!
You are speaking my entire 65 years. It is exhausting. And yet the hits can still keep coming. Life throws you curve balls. Like getting a "love note" from social security out of the blue saying, "We know you're going blind. We know you're fully disabled. But hey, we're cutting off your disability, because you're 65". Live on your $514 a month SSA. No heads up, no warning. Surprise! My boundaries have gotten hard core. I've had to learn what triggers the CPTSD. No one from my past is allowed in my now. I can reconize the narcs now, in the first 5 minutes, thanks to you. People, intitutions, it's uncanny. My faith is what sustains me. A closed door tells me a new one will open, but God have mercy, it does often feel like a endurance test. I have deserment from dining with demons. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am a bad ass. My arrival to a place of peace was achieved by continuing to GET BACK UP, no matter what, and turning a LOT over to the Divine. No one can live on $514 dollars a month. So this half blind photographer has to find a way. Faith will guide me to a solution. I've lived my entire life it seems in free fall, with noone but God to count on. Death doesn't scare me at all. For me it feels more like it'll be a soft landing. I've learned the law of attraction, the laws of unattachment, the laws of vibration, the laws of karma. It's been a journey both cursed and blessed. know that you are one of the blessings. As is freedom from the narcs. I've become like a shattered crystal vase, glued back together, to refract even more light. I live in hope someone can see the beauty in that and even if no one can. I do and I believe God does.
This is so relevant to my life. I’ve developed such self reliance and hyper vigilance that I’ve created a fort of my life.
Everything you just describe about this person is like you are describing by me
No one has ever looked out for me like I have for myself in everything!
I was having serious tension headaches daily for almost the entire day 7 days a week; I told my PCP I wasn't sure if I had a serious problem or not because I was dealing with a malignant narcissist at home, and my PCP just looked at me and said she will prescribe painkillers. Not once did she ask how I was doing or a referral.
I haven't gone back to her and don't think I will. Being resilient is draining.
That's a huge signal as to who the PCP is. When people refuse to think about factors outside the body that affect our health, they usually have skin in that game.
Unless you are educated and completely understand the dynamics and insidiousness of this abuse, and/or actually lived/survived it, you will not understand!!!!!
The body keeps the score. Hope you are ok
I was always proud of my resilience, but it's hard to be strong all the time. Sometimes it's nice to relax and have someone hold my hand and say, you've done enough, thank you.
I'm very grateful for a few special people in my life that I can rely on for that.
And thank you Dr. Ramini, just when I think I've heard you cover it all, you explain something else so relevant, so personal about narcissism. ❤
First you explained trauma bonding now you show me fu!!!ked up resilliance! It is like opening a huge window into my past! You have helped me immensely thank you
Truth Teller here. I’m tired of being resilient. I’m tired of being hated ❤ decided to cut so many people out and look toward my life and goals. Thanks for everything, Dr. Ramani.
OMG. This. I would trade my resilience badge for the ability to be more confident about knowing what I need/want (and feel deserving) in an empathetic heartbeat second.
Thank you for your work to reveal and heal.
💙💜
I can totally relate!
Exactly this! “With a huge side of grief!” When I was a little younger and living alone, I had this enormous sense of loneliness! I wasn’t alone, my dogs were with me! But I was soul alone and I couldn’t figure out why I had this deep deep seeded feeling inside me! This! This all finally landed! Everything is beginning to make sense! Every unconscious decision and feeling along the way! Intuition! Besides resilience! I am very intuitive because of these relationships! I have always listened to the voice inside me….in the face of many of these relationships! You have to! Do they come to a head? Yep! When that head explodes enough times, you walk away for good!
I love this! ❤️ I so agree. I’ve been lonely my whole life. As a child I knew I was missing something and I didn’t know what. It’s hard to recognize neglect when your a child. Hugs to you.
I hear you about the deep seated loneliness, soul alone is a good way to describe it.
Me too. I knew since age 4. I clearly even remember what dress it was I was wearing, the curtains, the window... it was my 4th birthday and I was filled with such a profound sadness that no 4 year old should ever have felt. @@ruby-qv5bd
Intuition is so real, believe it, listen to it, make changes accordingly
Wow. This makes so much sense. I really need to figure out if one of my parents were N. I am extremely resilient and it has been the only way to survive. I do put up with toxic people.
Based on Dr Ramani's videos, the thing that helped me the most was becoming a total and utter greyrock. I've been greyrocking for 3 years now and things are much better.
I'm not sure where I read this but "resilience" is also good for soldiers. Those that scored lower in "resilience" and "grit" had higher scores of PTSD. Narcissism and war are emotionally devastating, but as you said, resilience makes the difference.
Seven months after being discarded It's taken me this long to feel comfortable about who I am and find my strength again. My brother has supported me and helped me believe in myself again. It's no joke the damage these Narcs do It's soul crushing and I lost who I was only now finding this resilience.
Hugs!❤️
I believe it's this resilience that got me through cancer, although I thought at the time that it was only my close friends and my dog. In truth, my friends did the minimum. I was grateful for a place and rides to and from appointments and the hospital; however, the more I've learned to understand the personality dynamics in this house, the more I realize it was the minimum. I'm FINALLY in the middle of a serious paradigm shift in my perspective on my role, here, and what I got myself into.
Anyway, cancer, hospital: I didn't rail at anybody, like somebody down the hall in the cancer ward very loudly did. I still laughed, even though all there was to watch on TV was Real Housewives marathons (if I can survive that, I can survive anything). The nurses didn't shy away from my room, rather occasionally hung out, sometimes a little too much. I still wonder about some of them, like Mariyya, hailing originally from Ukraine, so especially the last couple of years, who I think might have gotten herself in hot water visiting me to chat overlong a few times. The nurses and staff were there to help, though little of the experience ever felt like it. Did I mention I didn't want my housemates to touch me, so I wasn't a candidate for PIC, which meant I had an IV at all times, two during part of the chemo administration, one chemical so destructive to blood vessels I had to have a buffer in the other arm. That was a LOT of needle stabs. I kept the whole thing quiet until it was over, too; because I didn't want my mother to show up and destroy my will to live through it. Not even joking, though I'm sure Tig Notaro could reword it just right. :)
There are always things to learn. That's the real message of the aphorism, "What(ever) doesn't kill you makes you stronger." When you feel you're in a cat 5 hurricane, think of the beauty inside the eye, how those moments of taking a breath and checking the boarded windows and tie ropes will get you through the other side. I remember trying to put jeans on to go in for a Neulasta shot, and not being able to do it standing up, I was so weak and wobbly from chemotherapy. So I sat on the floor, got one leg in, and started laughing because I was kind of in a knot, having trouble pulling the waist up because I couldn't stand up while straight-jacketed by the jeans. The situation was just silly.
I had plenty of depressive moments, too. But short of domestic interactions that could have been better, not many.
The worst skill I learned, being laid up so much for months, has been the ability to lie still in a quiet room. "Worst!?" Yes. At first, I thought it was great to finally, at age 42, learn to be still; and to a small degree, it IS a great skill to finally own. But it became a coping mechanism for all the moments I felt stuck or helpless. What turned out to be the case was that I had LOST my skill of burning negative energy by doing anything from fidgeting to writing to drawing or going for a run or out dancing, the ways I had previously coped with narcissist parents and grandparents, and subsequently other trying situations. I could retreat within myself as a kid, sure; but I could never be still. NOW, I know I'm bipolar and have always had ADHD. Only, those traits further highlight how unnatural being still felt to me. NOW, I can stew in bed for hours, ruminating, when before I couldn't. That channeled resilience I had from surviving childhood saved me from a lot of wallowing in self-pity and imagining how much worse it might get. NOW, I tend to retreat to my room to hermit when the shit goes down in my house. I almost never come out to play games anymore, although I own a few dozen. So, that resilience got me through 4 cycles of 6 days of intensive in-patient chemo over three months, later followed by tumor resection with a sternotomy, which meant I could barely move for several weeks and not play with my dog for 8. It was useful to lie still, since it kept me from accidents. But then my dog died not two months after my recovery, and I didn't have her as a prod to rebuild that physical resilience. I mean, I tried, despite the profound depression of having lost my best friend and near-constant companion of 11 1/2 years. It's taken me another decade of figuring out physical health issues that were obstacles AND the psych changes that developed. I'm still here, though. Still laugh, make friend-when I leave the house. Maudlin as the mood may get when I watch these videos, they help me identify and understand the various problems in my life, fixable and non-fixable. Terrified as I am to step out on my own again, leaving a home with yet more narcissists, the view is finally coming into focus. I DO still have that resilience, just got confused about my skill sets. Even if I have to live on the street, it would probably be wiser than staying. Hopefully I'll be able to do that on my own schedule, rather than THUD on the pavement, though the latter looms a distinct possibility in a few months. So somehow I am productive each day, slowly rebuilding quantity. Come summer, I should be okay with whatever happens; and given the best possible scenario, I think I'll leave here within a year or year and a half (I'm super poor, so it takes time to get all those ducks in a row).
BTW, 12 years cancer free. 🦾 Never let anybody stop you from getting proper care for mind or body. Not a doctor who ignores your concerns. Not narcissists in your life who shoot down every idea for self-improvement you come up with. Not physical impairments that can be accommodated or overcome. Not yourself. And if you're like me, that mind of yours can be your greatest obstacle, no help from the narcissists that fueled that negative self-image in the first place. I'm a mess. If I can be resilient and get through the hundred things I've survived, no few of which I've done to myself, I bet you can find resilience and silver linings, too. 💪🥰
My ex was a narcissist and wife beater. When he had a car accident I packed up and ran.
Never talked to him again.
I just kept hoping those people in my life would grow as I mistakenly believed that most of us were on a learning journey. I just wasn't aware of what narcissism is. Nice reveal to now know those skills can be focused in a more productive direction
Yes, I made the same mistake over and over and over again. When I finally admitted the truth to myself, I collapsed. Working to stand tall and firm. It is in no way an easy task, is it? If we think about it, we really have been doing it our whole life. Wishful thinking that we can explain enough. Nope! No change, no growth.
Keep growing in spite of the ugliness we are surrounded by at times.
Resilience in the face of constant disappointment says a lot about all the survivors. I knew I kept on getting on, but not always with the mental resilience and heartache we all endure. We deserve to give ourselves the love and grace that we never got from the so called loved ones in our lives. It still hurts! We survive, not always in tact, but we survive to escape and see it for what it is. We grow.
I'm living with a malignant narcissist for almost 40 years now with as much resilience as i could muster , I'm now at the end of my thither. Few people understand how very painful and draining it is . Worst of all you get almost no support from your loved ones . They listen but do not hear you .
"If you're strong and resilient, it's because of how I RAISED YOU!!! You should be THANKING ME!!!!!" ~ the momster.
For me the resilience includes not trusting most people and most things. More cynicism, more skepticism and disbelief. Yes you’re more resilient with a defensive posture. Great subject Doc! 😊👍
So true!
I, too, am incredibly resilient and strong, and people have been telling me so all my life. What really annoys me is how often I've gotten lectured by people who don't like the resilience and strength for some reason -- and it's remarkable how many people haven't liked it -- or want to tell me I'm not doing enough to help or serve others. I've so had it with the, "You need to be serving." My response at this point is along the lines of your title for this video.
I'm also extremely fed up with being told I should be more vulnerable. Because being vulnerable in a world of predators worked out so well.
Your comment struck a chord with me. I’m 75 years old and wondering what to do with my time. People always say well you can volunteer. this irritates me no end. I’m finally to a place in my life that I can do some things for myself, without all the negativity that hampered me in the past. I want to do things for myself now! If that’s selfish, so be it.
Yes, you deserve to do something nice for yourself. For example, I picked up crocheting. My grandmother taught me that long time ago, and recently I realized how relaxing and enjoyable it can be. Getting a chocolate bar or flowers for myself is very uplifting. Manipulators would tell me that I was selfish and didn't do enough for them. That time has passed. As I am still in the workforce, I do work hard to live, and by the grace of God, knowing that I am His daughter, I gained self-respect and ability to withstand manipulation. Still help people when it is appropriate, but do not ignore myself. @@beverlyadams7205
Exactly, when you’re vulnerable with everyone because you strive to “see” everyone and feel bad if you don’t, this guilt eventually teaches you the hard lesson
I just received a lesson like this. I wonder what can really rid you of this pressure to be good to everyone that traps you in the circle of being vulnerable to predators.
How did you get rid of “you need to be serving”?
My f*d up resilience is the only thing keeping me from completely losing my mind. I wish everyone peace and love and hope and clarity one day at a time because the field of psychology is still in the dark ages about how to deal with emotions. Many thanks to you Dr. Ramani for sharing your wisdom and being brave and being a true pioneer in your profession.
Wow. That explains so much. Especially when my mom tells me 'I'm so strong.' it's because of what you explained. Thank you for your explanation. It'll really help me.
I went through hellfire with the narcissist or as I refer to as Satan . I’m in battle mode 24/7 and look at life totally different now. My wall is up constantly and don’t take shit anymore from anyone as a result of my horrific experience. I wish it didn’t have to be this way . I was once a carefree person and now view people as corrupt . The devils touch is real
You let someone in and got hurt.
Do you ever watch Lee the narcissistic guy who's in therapy? He's got awesome insights and advice also.😊
You deserve to feel happy and to love yourself, I'm so sorry you had to go through the hellfire but don't ever give up. It does get better. I watch my spiritual guides to to help heal.
I also sometimes meditate
well said!! I hope you're doing ok 😞
I relate to this. Would it also be safe to say that the resilient people are actually good at stoicism? I'd say yes.
Stoicism is outdated Western ideology the new ideology is coming from Asia and India and they have much better ideas
Lol I think so, my therapist has often told me it's hard to read if I'm actually doing okay bc 'your so stoic' and most of the time people don't respond this way in these fd up situations 😬....while on the inside I feel the total opposite
Thank you for explaining this. I was single 3 years after multiple narcs and abusers and then started dating someone new. Saw red flags, new abuse began… I never even agreed to be in a relationship with him, he just kind of assumed the relationship and I fell right back into the role…going with the flow. UGH. I just endured and froze in effed up resilience. I WANT MY VOICE BACK 😭
My narcissistic relationships have become so organized, it's good to know that there are people out there who would never be a part of it.
This couldn't have popped up at a better time. There's a fine line between resilience and people- pleasing. Resilience is when you adapt, don't sweat the small stuff, and if you're lucky, you become smarter than your enemies and use it to your advantage...you have become wise. Resilience has a simultaneous goal of keeping the peace while keeping yourself happy and making your own choices known. People - pleasing is similar except you're not as wise yet, and your goal is to make others happy to keep the peace and sacrifice your own desires.
It’s so true, I can compartmentalize like nothing else. Stuff it down because I need to be productive right now.
The part that kills me is the no support, no help. I am autistic and this made life so much more traumatizing, no way to regulate, no time to rest. What deplorable people narcissists are.
Tears started flowing before I knew I was crying. I felt like you were talking to me about me. I'M FUCKING RESILIENT! ❤❤❤
You & I commented in almost identical ways. It's like her mention of her "friend," was actually me
@@susanbothwell2234 HUGGGSSS 💖💜💚🙏🏽😇🙏🏽😇
The resilient, autistic and strange are the living antidote to tyranny and malaise. When WE realize and come together in dauntless collaboration and celebration, we'll make the world equitable. ❤
Once again, it’s like we’ve had a conversation I was unaware of. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one. You have been a lifeline for me to finally make sense of my f’d up life.
Me, too.
Same! Keep helping and educating EVERYONE!!! Some might “get it” some just don’t nor want to.
Speaks to my experience in a way thats hard to hear. Had to do myself. So called help always has come at a terrible cost.
Same here! I couldn't rely on my narc parents at all and growing up was one disappointment after another. So I had to do everything myself. And I'm very adaptable and flexible too.
What is also effed up is that the survivor is likely to become the extended family's fixer, someone who gets saddled with impossible deadlines and crazy problems. Taken for granted and given no consideration when overburdened or dealing with their own problems.
Yup. 100%. The older I get, the more I marvel at how resilient, 'easy to be with' (like the #1 comment I got from all of my exes), and well-adjusted I am. Based on the experiences I've had, it would be no surprise if I had ended up as a bridge troll who hisses at passersby. While I'm incredibly proud of myself for being resilient, easy, and well-adjusted, that pride always comes with a huge side of grief whose depth has no bottom and is sometimes overwhelming. I bet the gates of hell would be a lovely little adventure if we all approached them together. Big hug to all!
Bridge troll😂! I’m just happy that I am not continuing the patterns but I will always have the grief of being loved conditionally when it was supposed to be unconditional.
I just figured out that I have been married 30 years to a narcissist and I am so grateful I am not as crazy as he makes me feel
I feel so seen by this vid, Dr Ramani. I thought i was going to cry while listening to this but i find it difficult to do so over something that has worn me down so much over the years.
Even though I've known for well over a decade now what i went through in childhood into adulthood was narcissistic abuse, I've begun addressing even more of the of the abuse I've faced. And i see how it's taken such a toll on my soul.
Whenever i get referred to as resilient or "strong" i feel a twinge of annoyance because it truly is fucked up resilience. I've stayed where i don't belong for too long and tried to give mercy to merciless people all because i knew i did not want to be like my abuser.
I've sought therapy and will continue going because i want to make headway in my recovery and healing.
Thanks much for your informative content. I appreciate everything you put out. Often times i share because i want others to be aware and take preventative measures if they're in a situation
Thanks for being objective
Thank you for bringing this up. I've healed a lot, but it terrifies me that unless I stay very careful, I could get taken in by another narcissist. I'm 70; I want another love in my life. Taking care of myself is now critical. I just don't have time like I used to.