Severe stress responses to narcissistic relationships
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- Опубліковано 28 лют 2024
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“There is such a heavy unhappiness that accompanies a kid coming from a narcissistic family.” This is the deep tragedy for children from these families. I’m 66 and it remains such a raw wound. 😢
So sorry 😢. If I can't leave, howcan I protect my children from the effects of a narcissistic father? Please help?
Yes❤
When you’ve experience a lot of stress, you will experience responses to that stress. And you may act in ways that are out of character and even in ways that you can’t control. It’s like the trauma dictates your feelings, actions and behaviours.
I had this happen at my brother's graduation party. There were a lot of people there from my childhood, a time I don't recall much of.
I ruined so many relationships either listening to my husband or feeling so frustrated by the hell I was living in ,and thinking it was me so I'm thinking maybe I need to be like him. But then I was 13 when he pursued me he was 21. Kept telling me I wasn't mature enough that I was nuts crazy. Controlling for asking why he did call or show up . I don't think after living in it for 48 yrs I can find me. There's to much history.
@@JAYNEmM1962 You have to try. You have to find a good therapist and please really be attuned to the things you really like. Thoughts become whispers, whispers become words, words become actions. 🌹
This totally happened. I had no idea why I was doing the things I was, but everything in me told me I had to get out of there so I did. Unfortunately the therapy I need isn't accessible now that I'm teetering on the edge of bankruptcy from losing my job so no insurance either.
À wrecked life of relationships, thanks to a fucking narcissistic mother 😊.
I’m married to a narcissist. 41 years now. I left for 12 years shortly after our 10th anniversary. Our son was 8 when we left. Coparenting was a nightmare n he smeared me to our son. I did great in the beginning of my life without him. However, over the 12 years his relentless BS wore me down. I went back. Biggest mistake of my life. Here I am, a mere shell of the woman I once was. I feel so phucking stupid. I’m so mad at myself for allowing this to be my life.
I’ve been learning about narcissism for about 4 years. I recognize everything now yet here I am. I had no idea what was happening to me. I had no idea why my physical symptoms got worse over time. I had no idea what the consequences of narcissistic abuse would do to me mentally or physically. Over time my response was, “ I’m sure you’d like me to believe that “, when he’d gaslight me. I didn’t know what gaslighting was but I knew I wasn’t buying his BS. I’m 62 years old now. Where TF am I going to go? I can’t pay living expenses on my own. I’m stuck here with the enemy. Someone I wouldn’t even talk to if I didn’t have to. We have our own bedrooms so I have my own space but I’m in my room 90% of the time. I’m exhausted all the time. I weigh 99 lbs now. My normal weight was about 120 lbs.
I ordered n received my book, “It’s Not You “. I have a spark of hope. ✨🙏🏽✨
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. 💝🙏🏽💝
I realise this makes no practical difference whatsoever, but I’m thinking of you. Sending prayers and best wishes from the Isle of Wight, England.
Kiddo, I'm there with you. You are blessed. Sucks being stuck. I too have hope and just trying to gather up everyting I can to awake from the nightmare and fly!!! ❤❤❤
Let go 😊
Sorry for your dilemma. Going through something similar. My heart goes out to you.
There are resources for women who are in abusive relationships. Shelters are available and help with living expenses. Look into your local area for resources. There's the national domestic violence hotline and they can find you local help if you wish to leave for good. The day I got out I realized that I had stayed too long. I'm on the path to healing now. I hope you can find the strength to do the same when you're ready.
I began having panic attack when I never had that problem
Im sorry you experienced that. I did too, it was really scary! Glad those are over now, but still a work in process and progress! Take care!
I get panick attacks when I deal with my brother
I start feeling better. As soon as i realised who this person is i felt simply disgusted by him, i want him far far away from me.
Yes...repulsive...but it took 50 yrs for me. Married him 3 tjmes...divorced him 3 times. He sure looks pathetic now
Dr Ramani helped so much!!
In their movie they are the main character. According to them, we're just extras who have to play the role of their admirer and serve them like minion.
Fatal attraction movie with Mike Douglas
They are so fake to I love it. lol! I was working in food service, complained to my bosses boss and he had them in check so quick that they started helping yet they couldn't help when i needed it they just ignored me all the time. No hello's I would just get ignored. Finally one day the head chef said hello and I ignored her I just gave her back the same energy.
We aren't even furniture to them. We are Props.
😂true
Yes! This is why I hate the main character energy bullshit trend….. I understand it’s all in good fun, but as a society we glamorize narcissism and we need to be careful.
Flashbacks from narcissistic relationships can be very haunting and tough to deal with. Like a relentless highlight reel of traumatic memories that keep playing in a loop, constantly reminding you of the abuse that you’ve endured which can leave you feeling powerless and questioning your reality.
OMG this is so true I’ve been getting so many flashbacks from my childhood it’s insane.
Yes I was having bad flashbacks.
I would wake up in the middle of the night and just suddenly sweat from overwhelming anger being left again & again fooled, gaslighted, and alone
I got chest&throat tightness, racing heart, lightheaded, dizziness, & stomach upset when facing the narcissist again or even hearing them again. I dont even want to think of them nor see them again. 😢
I freeze. Other than things I have to do I just sit on the couch or stay in bed. It is terrible. The Narc is gone but sometimes I still get triggered.
The only positive thing I can say is that I am now aware I am triggered by something and can now overcome it more quickly.
@@twovirginiacats3753
wow. yea it be amazing how some things become triggers. I had to find new activities to keep them low. I wish you the best and healing moving forward!❤️🩹❤️
It is called CPTSD: Complex PTDS. Understanding what is happening to us is first step 💚 I pray you get the help you need. Connection to smth bigger helps me a lot.
Yes
Same. From the age of 13 to when I left home for college I was in a state of near-starvation. I couldn not swallow food because I was so terrified all of the time. I knew my narc mother would not protect me or keep me safe. In fact, I'm certain that she privately hoped I would meet with an 'accident' so that she could be rid of the person in the house who could see who she was. I was an innocent child but, to her, I was a threat.
I hate when I see their faces in strangers. I automatically freeze at first and fill with fright
I have this too, even when i see someone with the same haircut from behind, or someone with the same walk. Even if the original narc cannot touch me, my body keeps warning me..
I remember passing him on the street and after he had passed by, I suddenly realised who he was. I turned to look and he also had turned to look. I was with my daughter at the time who had also suffered at his hands. As I turned back to continue my walk the words, "I cannot believe what a nothing he is" burst out of me. I am fairly certain it was inadvertently louder than I intended and quite possibly loud enough for him to hear. While my heart was pounding and I felt like vomiting, I also felt stunned that he was such an insignificant nothing. It was very empowering after the hell he put us through for 17 years.
My narc “mother” had me arrested. She threatened to call the cops multiple times before and I thought she was just being dramatic. My hair is falling out because of the legal limbo BS I have to go through now.
I pray it grows back when this is all over.
As a hairdresser I can tell you it will. But you gotta Stay away from pharmaceuticals, eat healthy and at least walk twenty minutes three times a week and get at least six hours of solid sleep.
@@danitajminer3279 thank you
The Best advice you will ever get...
If, you have a genuine Narcissistic parent.
You need to Let them Go & Focus on your life...
They are no longer your Parent /Family member..
Act as if, they have already Pass-away; because, they are already, gone..
And let nature take its course.
Sorry, for your Loss..
My mother made my hair fail out too. Im so sorry. Don't worry. I've had no contact for 8 years and it's grown back.
Good luck! 🌸💕
My hair was falling out too. I left my narc family 6 months ago and left with my husband and kids to a new state. My hair is basically back to normal now. I thought it was related to be 47 but nope, just born to a family of demons.
I hope you can get away soon.
I lost nearly everything (even clothing!) & have next to nothing…physically, emotionally, monetarily, psychologically, you name it. I am now practically catatonic. I am either in a complete state of despair/terror, or just unable to move/function/process. Everything is way too overwhelming to me. Even just walking from one side of my house to the other. Its unrelenting. I hate it.
When i saw my ex and his family at his sentencing, 9 years after the kids and i last saw them, i had rage bubbling over. 20 years of gaslighting by all of them to crazy make me and protect him. The pleasure i took in reminding them they were there defending a man who admitted to plotting my murder and also plead guilty to molesting 3 children. I walked past them and said ‘what a proud moment for all of you after the lies youve told about me and your grandchildren. The grandchildren you discarded to protect a child molesting narcissistic sociopath. Thank you for your toxic focus on him so i could love them’
They are demons, evil to the core. Prayers for you and your children to reclaim your peace and healing.
Boss mode.
Mic drop!
I now have atrial-venticular tachycardia as a result of a lifetime of mother, father, spousal abuse. At 80 years, they are all now out for 3 years and I have peace. I have been in therapy recovery forever. Now everything is for my heart.
I do not know you, but I am so happy for you! I hope you have abundant happiness and enjoy every moment ❤❤
I have that too. Including proximal positional vertigo.
My boss was a psychopath. I walked away from the job today and what really hurt is that my ex didn't believe me. It took him a while to know I was telling the truth. I tried going to work only made it half way, sat down, cried, then walked all the way to the bus and went home. I'll never go back to that awful place ever again. I loved my job and loved my co workers but management was truly evil. The only people that helped were the crises team and the cop....looks like management got what they wanted though now they don't have a needy employer there who tries to change things for the better. I was so depressed still am and it took a while for my anxiety to go away but my sinus infection cleared up once I got home. 4 months at that awful job and I just watched 4 people quit one by one and I was the 5th to quit. This all happened within a month and now I never want to work again cause I'm afraid I'll end up with another psychopath boss.
I love that, "my parasympathetic nervous system did not read the memo". I have a post traumatic, neuromuscular disorder called FSHD2. I've healed from long term pain and weakness because of cannabis. My ex-husband who is a covalent malignant narc, his lawyer in our divorce is still trying to abuse me through the courts. I have my therapist telling me how great I'm doing with coping, I'm being subjected to the same traumas over and over again even though divorce is finalized and living separately. I still get really upset with myself when I struggle for half the day with trauma or have trauma responses, even though I still get the adulting done each day. I work part time in mental health, I take my own advice, am resourceful, developed my own style of art, yet get so discouraged with my trauma responses, and it's merely because my parasympathetic nervous system did not get the memo.
My flashbacks happen every morning and it pulls me to want to break the no contact just to scream why…just to get a understanding. I end up just praying and talking to God until I come out of it. It ruins my day but only the Bible brings me back to understand what and who we really are at war with. Keep y’all heads up.
They ARE demon possessed 4 yr olds!!
I used to wake up every morning in a state of dread and fear for the first year or two after separation from my childrens narcissistic mother. I don’t anymore. I take care of myself now by making better choices on who I spend time with. I work hard and save my money, eat well and exercise. My body has learnt that things are different now. It takes time.
Wow yes I sometimes get overwhelmed with the terrible rut my narc mother has gotten me into and I start crying and saying Why God? And that is not a safe way for me to go. If I can catch those terrible spirals, and use the Bible to get me from spinning out of control then I do a lot better. I’ll just have to be patient and know that somehow God will help me dig my way out of the messes she has gotten me into.
This is so true! I too remind myself how I a. Loved by God and Christ and focused on who I am and read his word the Bible drawing comfort from the knowledge of who the real enemy is
The first ten minutes of this was absolutely spot on for me. I have had major trouble concentrating for years, and I finally left my narcissistic wife two months ago. My life is completely transformed - I have taken a huge downgrade in quality of life, but I am so much happier. I have my freedom back, I'm building myself a new life, and I have surrounded myself with extremely supportive people. I have ample evidence that my nervous system hasn't quite got the memo - a few weeks ago I fell off my (push)-bike, bashed my knee and hand, and had the strongest shock reaction I had ever had. My body gave me a few minutes to pick up my bike, limp to a safe place, and sit down, and then my vision went black for ten minutes. Then that cleared, and my hands/arms went completely stiff with pins-and-needles for ten minutes. Then I shook for an hour or so, and actually was still shaking at times the next day. I didn't even really have much physical damage, but my nervous system was clearly very much on edge and showed it then. When I talk to someone and tell them that I have just escaped domestic abuse and tell them about it, I start shaking. At some point I'm going to have to physically meet my wife in order to work on a financial settlement and to organise the stuff in the house, and I know that right now if I tried that my pulse would go through the roof. It'll take time to get this right.
Lets imagine you are grafted into a narcissistic family dynamic. You recognize any help sought from their narcissistic circle falls on deaf ears. So you keep the peace by remaining silent for years. As time passes the abuse continues with the same excuses that they were kind to everyone else. Their subtle manipulation ,lies and put downs weren’t meant the way you perceived. Yet outsiders who are not flying monkeys are beginning to catch on. They noticed the crocodile tears disguising the never ending victimization. Woe is me sais the Narcissist. For everyone treats me unfairly because I’m misunderstood malady continues. They hide their lies behind a sense of entitlement to be forgiven without removing their own bitterness and abusive behaviors within themselves.
They are without remorse or regard for anything outside their own selfish desire for control.You decide to remove yourself in hopes to remain protected.. That’s when the flying monkeys swarm in berating your decision. Yet they never had any interest to be part of your life prior nor include you attending their family functions.Attempting to force you to yield to further abuse. As their smear campaigns , gossip exude nothing but contempt for your presence among them. Their hypocrisy at an all time high filled with Narcissistic rage as they are exposed one by one. God is good ! He reveals the truth at last unmasking their false image. Hallelujah 🙏💜
It seems they like excluding ppl. I've been seeing that on one side of my family.
@@lc4972 yes I wasn’t allowed to attend my husband’s grandmothers funeral. That was probably the most hateful exclusion I ever experienced.
@shadowivy that's absolutely awful they did that to you! And hateful is another great word to describe them! My youngest son is a narcopath and his hatred for me know no bounds!
@@lc4972 What is a narcopath and their symptoms? In other words what do they do?
@shadowivy narcissistic sociopath = narcopath. Too much to explain here. Do a Google search. Lots about them on the web!
I received my copy of It’s Not You last night. I just removed the dust cover and read the lovely introduction about The Open Field by Maria Striver. I appreciate you Dr. Ramani. Your UA-cam channel literally saved my life. Your writing accomplishment inspires me as well. Thank you so much for transmuting your pain and trauma into medicine for us all. Much love and continued success Dear Sister. 💝💝💝
If I just look at my phone and see I received a text from my older sister I feel sick inside and begin to shake. Then the immense anger comes. It can take weeks for me to calm down and return to normal....which is why I have blocked her now, but I am unable to stop thinking of the unbelievable nasty, hurtful, hateful things she did to me. I honestly believe she has a demon with her. And it's not just what she has done to me, but how she treated others as well. She truly is evil. If I saw her when out I would definately turn and run the other way.
Someone told me that your body reacts long before your mind is ready to accept what the situation is. Feeling that physical stress on my body of being in the room with him or the thought of being in the room with him is a telltale sign that this is not a healthy relationship.
The body experiences trauma that the mind cannot process. Reliving this physical trauma through my body experiences just tells me that I have more therapy/understanding/forgiveness to get through.
Be kind to yourself you have endured a lot. Keep working on your progress, forgiveness and growth and most of all keep Dr. Ramani close. For she helps me continue to sort out this whirlwind. That’s inside of me.
This is true, I hold my breathe alot my stomach is always tight.. I’ve been consciously trying to release and exhale it’s hard this has been after 38 years!!!
Absolutely 100%. It took me years to even recognize what was happening in my body - by which time I needed physiotherapy because my muscles had forgotten how to relax, from all the tension. Thank God I'm making my way out. I left 7 months ago. Co-parenting is a nightmare. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you, I needed this video today. 2 days ago I got a call from one of the narcissistic people in my family and it seemed to completely shut me down for a day.
That happens to me when I've had to talk on the phone with my oldest son. It usually goes sideways. Currently, I have him blocked.
I think the flashbacks and the stress responses are always there after being around narcissistic people or trauma...I see me more nervous or anxious the older I get with people that speed fast like they own the road or want to run you over....seeing accidents makes my heart race after years of seeing some horrific ones.
“My skin is plenty thick, but these situations do affect me and I am ok with that”…even if others aren’t. So powerful and totally what I need to hear. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I always felt that I had to entertain my late father - act like a friend, support him, be positive, but as for expecting him to be a dad and give me any kind of support - emotional, or even financial - I was shamed and of course denied. If I did something wrong, there was such little understanding - more shame.
Saw the narcissistic former roommate at bus stop. Took three months to recover. Had to call my neighbor to come pick me up a dew blocks from home! Went into "fawn mode".
I'm on week 3 of seeing them for half a second! I'm sorry you went through that, but glad to know my amount of time to recover isn't unheard of.
My narc ex is currently stalking me. I recently saw them and my body had such a strong physical response that I literally shouted 'Get away from me, you psycho!' and ran down the sidewalk in the opposite direction as fast as possible. I've had a lot of trauma responses in my life. That was the worst. By far. Not even close. I trust my body that it's that bad. This trauma is stored in the body even after 6 months NC.
Stalkers are the worst. Do you live in a place where you can get a stalking order? I’d strongly suggest that you do it if you can.
I've been there, too. And I reacted like you did, in a public place, feeling a bit protected by the other people around, wanting them to know I was in harm's way.
They are! And, sadly, no. I live in a place that even though I have a video of them trying to unalive me, the police in my city refuse to even take DV seriously. He has no consequences, so, I have to leave. I trust my body understood the real level of trauma. I thank it for warning me with that reaction. @@shewho333
Stalking is the worst thing I have ever been through. It did a number on me. I haven't had an occurrence in 6 years but it went on for 11. I still have a hyper startle reflex and hyper somatic reflexes.
My house is my sanctuary. My dogs are mean, so nobody comes to my house to visit....at all, which is how I like it.
I understand what you're going through. I have a protective order right now for my ex bf who stalked me for several months. I got the police involved and he was charged with stalking. I didn't feel strong enough at first to tell the police but when he kept stalking me at work I finally reported it. It's very dangerous and it's not good for your health. There are resources to help you with it if you need them. The national domestic violence line and I believe there's a crisis line for victims of stalking. This is in the United States...not sure about other countries.
It happens when I accidentally come across a picture of him. I thought I was over it and I’m with a great guy now. It’s an awful
Feeling.
I threw out all my photos of my parents
I have this thing that lets me block everything out but I really suffer from DPTSD. I'm 65 and i just don't deal with it anymore because I can't recognize who is dangerous to me. I embrase hermit life.
Same here. My family checks in with me but I really do like being alone. :)
Same here....I'm 53, order my groceries on line and see no one. I crave the silence and peace. The slightest bang or upset stranger in public and I'm immediately frozen with fear and everything comes rushing back with a vengeance. I'm in therapy, dx severe CPTSD.
Yes I'm in my sixties as well but I don't mind at all being alone, in fact I'd go as far to say I love it. Now who's unbalanced? You have to laugh. I have no contact with narc-ex and I think good riddance to bad rubbish.
The body responds to the danger... TY Dr Ramani!!!🙏🏼
I have started reading your new book "It's Not You!" I finally feel validated at the same time fearful of the road to divorce. Thank you for being the spokesperson for the people that have silently been dying inside.
I’ve done that too. Leave full grocery carts to get away. ( now I order online for delivery… it’s worth the extra cost.
Hahaha! Likewise! I laugh because I started online ordering just so I didn’t have to see the crazies in 2020. The virus was them. Bad bad energy
I thought I had deleted any pictures I had of him, but found one when searching for something else from years ago a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't delete it fast enough. It set off my anxiety immediately.
Same
The ex narc used to drive around drunk all the time, even with me in the car while I was pregnant. I got an abortion, which I'm grateful for every single day. He used to stress me out so badly that I developed high blood pressure, even though I am active, employed, and otherwise healthy. He ended up going to jail for felony vehicular assault (his third DUI) after we broke up. It was the worst relationship ever. April 2024 is one full year no contact with the narc.
Today? I live in my house I bought four months ago, my first house. I am excelling in my career, getting another raise. I work out regularly and live a peaceful life. I just ran a 5k after 1 hr of yoga on a random Thursday today. I am having a great day at work. That's just a normal, relaxing day of my life for me now. Sometimes I get a random cptsd flashback, but when I snap out of the trauma response, I feel even more grateful for where I'm at today in my life.
As I type this, I got a notification that It's Not You has shipped! ❤🎉 I can't wait to read your book this weekend.
Narcissists are wolves in sheep clothing. Every time you see them your body will see a wolf and naturally want to escape.
Thats the first thing I told my ex, I was tired of fakers. He absolutely went full in to prove he was genuine and loved me. Til left a great job and became a stay home mom of his daughter and my two children. After that he changed, angry and mean. He used my faith to manipulate me by faith, going in, the middle, all they way to the end! Sick, just makes me sick to my stomach. Very dangerous people, destroying souls
I had severe PTSD because I was sent sex videos of me sent by someone else along with screenshots of him bragging and saying he didn’t want to have sex with me but I was nicer to our kids . He bragged about recording and told this person he had multiple sex partners . I stayed in my bed for years . I managed to finish my masters in social work , but my three daughters just fell apart , one sided with him and two with me . I also have an autistic son he hasn’t spoken to in five years . The PTSD was so bad my regular therapist sent me to an EMDR therapist and now I can say I still get panic attacks when dealing with him with the minor daughter but I have more good days than bad . My arms get on fire and then it spreads to my neck and face and I hav learned to ground myself and be kind to myself . The worst part of it all was I live in the ONLY state without a non consensual pornography law so I had to heal without justice and still allow him access to our 16 year old daughter . The pain these people leave is LiFELONG. I mean how will I ever trust again in a sexual way ? Not possible . I am almost 5 years out and he left the state. My psychiatrist says my nervous system got stuck so it took a good two years to even have good days . For all you out there struggling with PTSD . Don’t give up , you can learn to take care of yourself and have more good days . Hugs to all out there struggling ❤
“My” narc lives just down the street from me and I am basically forced to walk by his place if I go out to walk anywhere, which I used to like to do. But I’ve gotten so caught up in hoping not to cross paths, because I don’t want to be friendly, and I don’t want to be snarky, and were our paths to cross he’d definitely have something to shout out about my response, whatever it might be. I was feeling so trapped in my own house! Lately I’ve started getting up early and walking by at 5 AM, but still have my heart in my throat when I go by, as he keeps all hours. I know I could inconvenience myself by driving across town to walk in a park, but it’s all so stupid. I’ve got to get past this fear of confrontation. Wish me luck, people!
Would it be dangerous to pretend you don't recognize him? My teen daughter was confronted by my narc sisters daughter (her cousin). She just pretended like she didn't recognize her at all. I thought it was a brilliant reaction.
I'm sorry, I understand avoiding confrontation.
@@amberinthemist7912 He’s not dangerous per se, but he’s got a loud mouth and wouldn’t be above yelling stupid stuff at me if he saw me. He actually, just the other day, came down to my place and bellowed up at my open window (I didn’t engage), yelling that in case I didn’t know it, that my daughter was “in the morgue”. Funny, I just heard from her that morning…with request for money, etc. He thinks I am wrong to not let her (age 33), her drug addled boyfriend, as well as their big untrained dog not live with me…YET again. So I cut ties with all of them, and he thinks I am evil and heartless. She is always welcome back; but … my house, my rules. No dogs, no drug addicts. Soo, I have also quit walking for the time being, need I add.
Definitely betrayed, lied to...never skinny enough, athletic enough, blonde enough...I'm over it..
Being afraid of dogs is very rational! They're untrustworthy and can do horrible things to both people and cats. Of course I'm scared of dogs. Cats, on the other hand, are wonderful. They are soft and quiet, and at a manageable size. And cats are excellent for teaching basic consent concepts. Kitty will tell you "No" with body language and sometimes by leaving, and if you keep not getting it, she has claws.
I guess it really isn't that surprising that I tend to react to my family members with the same fear I react to dogs. You already know you're going to be barked at, snarled at, growled at, and threatened.
This is reminding me of something I read in a book: "If a man makes you feel nervous, like you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, don't mistake this as love. It's not. Your body is telling you there's something wrong with him. Gracefully leave as soon as you can."
Dogs are not the problem, it's the trauma you have endured that gives this perception. There are just as many dogs that help people with trauma as well as cats or other pets.
@@LovelUp38yes dogs are the problem. Most of them don't get boundaries need attention and hierarchy. It's just in their nature. They're different to cats
Dog barking is so loud it can raise blood pressure. Barking can easily be like 85 decibel. Yes, some dogs can be helpful, but those are trained and well-behaved.
Cats are generally at 45 decibel. There is an obvious difference.
As a cat lover, I can tell you cats have a natural predatorial nature. Cats are never truly domesticated. They just happen to like us humans and how grateful for that. I can't imagine my life without a cat. I hope someday to have a dog too.
I've known people who were seriously hurt by a cat!
@@Nat-oj2uc I guess we shouldn't have service dogs then according to your logic? Cats and dogs can both be destructive or helpful. If they are well-trained they can be helpful to many people with different issues. However, like any animal, if not trained they can be destructive.
I spent 21 years with one who in turn turned my children into the same. I got rid of the narcissist spouse and now my children are adults and I have had to go no contact with them also. From the age of 14 years old I took narcissistic abuse and up until 2 years ago I was still putting up with it, this has affected my physical, mental and emotional health. Since going NC with my children when I even receive a text, or call which I ignore and erase… my hands get clammy, my heart races, my stomach turns and I feel like I need to crawl out of my skin, I get hot/cold flashes and my throat closes up. The anxiety and fear is real and overwhelming for about 10 minutes. This in turn starts the insecurity process and I feel unloveable.
You aren't alone in this! Im so sorry you are experiencing this. My two children came out to see the truth. One is just like him, and believes I'm the devil. The two are my own, and he's known them since they were babies, they see and he threw us all out. Homeless, but his set up in an apartment paid, 5 cars bought, near 500+k spent, after she threatened to kill my son. Hatred is learned. No accountability.
@@elizabethbettencourt1116 I’m sorry for what you are going through. For me I have accepted that my children are not meant to be in my life, this is the only way I could finally move forward and forgive myself and focus on loving myself!
My story exactly. ❤
I totally get it. You know the kids saw the jerk winning, and getting ahead....why don't we expect they are going to take those fleas and use them to their advantage.
I don't blame my kids at all. But they chose it. It wasn't their temperament nor was it their nature.
However it was their choice, and it's my choice not to put up with it. I love them, but I'm not putting up with the disrespect and behavior.
That is where the court system needs to see the damage these behaviors are inflicting to society in general.
ua-cam.com/video/YG8QRQLlCfg/v-deo.htmlsi=jZNrGYMPHBScrBw2
This is a story about how this works. It's an extreme story with physical abuse, but the psychological abuse to you and how it affects the kids is the point I'm making with it.
Brilliant! Thank you! He just drove by my “new residence” after 2 & 1/2 years… my body had alllll these responses you describe
Stayed in a narcissistic relationship for almost a year.. it was traumatic and abusive moment of my life. No contact for 5-6 months now and I know I am 60-70% healed. I am in a very good state now ❤ I always watch your vids to remind myself not to be fooled again ❤
I have to see him once a week, to every two weeks, when he comes to see ours sons, and my eye sight immediately blurs out and it gets worse and worse when he talks at me, and I cant get away. I take deep breaths and count those, and then i usually have to take a nap once I can get back to my room, while he plays with the kids. He is so loud though, I have crazy dreams, and I even wear headphones playing something ordinary or comedic, so I can try to implant something else in my brain. And if i cant sleep, I play Hay Day on my old phone and a true crime podcast on my headphones. That's just my routine...maybe it could help somebody here. I've also been with my therapist for 3 years, and he knows everything. He can't be fooled by the bad guy. He helps my kids after dad leaves and has done nothing but talk about himself, or throw a fir because my oldest son didn't play Fortnite the way he wanted and he made him cry., Just a few examples of what we deal with still. And him showing up for our boys a few hours on Sundays sometimes is all he contributes.
Just breathe...
It's hard. It can feel very overwhelming. I started tapping meditations which I guess releases dopamine, and has a calming effect. I started noticing it helps. I also did therapy -Cognitive processing therapy which is used to help people with PTSD/C-PTSD
Tapping helped me alot too
The Best advice you will ever get...
If, you have a genuine Narcissistic parent.
You need to Let them Go & Focus on your life...
They are no longer your Parent /Family member..
Act as if, they have already Pass-away; because, they are already, gone..
And let nature take its course.
Sorry, for your Loss..
This happened when I think I saw the narcissistic sister in law in a parking lot. My whole body tensed, my heart raced and I felt so uncomfortable, and yes fear of what she would do as she has badly attacked me no matter what I say or do. I quickly went around as best I could to avoid her. I don’t think she saw me thankfully. My nervous system was triggered for sure. In the past I would have felt obligated to say hi and ‘fawn’ out of guilt/family obligation, but now am honouring myself and listening to my body by not engaging nor fawning. Prioritizing my safety and health. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Knowledge is always good. Experience gives you the empathy. Knowledge gives you the warnings. I’m watching a soap series in the UK and one of the new story lines is a young couple and it’s obviously going to be a story about emotional abuse. It’s very upsetting to see this unfolding. The gaslighting and manipulation is insidious and makes me feel so angry because us survivors don’t see it for what it is. We think we have done something wrong and don’t realise it. ‘It’s Not You’ is a survival guide for me and the story of my life. Buy it if you haven’t yet.
Yes completely agree. You tell yourself - why didn't I see this at the time? I am such an idiot, etc. Bye the way which soap were talking about?? Sounds like Eastenders or Corrie although it could be Emerdale. Personally, I don't watch Eastenders because it's so grim. Sorry if you're an Eastenders fan
BE STRONG ENOUGH TO BE HONEST AND KIND
ITS NOT YOU #forrestfenn
Narcissism American #1 mental health illness issues early childhood trauma never dealt with
We suffer verbal abuse is mental domestic violence yelling screaming for help
This is my whole life at the moment. Sometimes quite difficult to function at all.
Oceans of blessings y'all ❤❤❤
Now this I want to see! I've been struggling with anxiety for so long. I'm so excited about this video. Thank you. Gonna watch it now.
This by far, really hits home… I am in this analytical phase(learning) after an almost 25 yr marriage.. but.. for myself.. employing a different way to REACT or more precisely NOT.. in the moment of feeling confronted.. not relenting into a defensive posture.. I’m broadening your fantastic video.. to same instant where you feel your❤ rate shoot up. Your examples help a great deal for comparison. Thank you!!!
I’ve experienced and still experience flashbacks remembering when he would be flying to see me and my nervous system would show up in light headless and needing to cool down or heart racing or my face would get very flush and break out in the middle of the night because I was and still am very trauma bonded and this person is long distance … I can’t imagine what it would be like to bump into him in close proximity. I just can’t imagine what that would even do to me: great video thank you 🥰
Wow, is this ever timely. I feel validated and stronger. Thank you!!
Definitely fearful till I had to start standing up for myself
The stress response you mentioned about your nervous system recognizing that a person isn't safe/good for you, It serves to remind me how hard it was to have this response with my mother when there was no other place to go. Having no other "safe" person to talk to. I spent years having my mother convince everyone that "I" was crazy and how" good " she was and how bad I was instead. I have an overworked nervous system from having to spend years in a situation similar to Stockholm Syndrome.
13:15: "This is STILL bothering you after all these years?" Yep. I have a friend who asked me once "Why are you still thinking about that awful person?" and I thought "Tell me you've never experienced narcissistic abuse without telling me you've never experienced narcissistic abuse."
Thank you for the reminder that it’s my nervous system and not all my fault and not a bad thing that I can work with to manage. Focusing on self compassion. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
It's never goodbye it's always until next time. The one good thing my toxic father taught me.
Sad but True
I can absolutely see all the signs now with this person and I am in the process of moving out and away, however, my fear is how will I ever be able to trust myself or trust a new person?? This person could have won an Oscar for his performance of being a normal healthy person. My head is still spinning….
So timely. I took back the new and improved narcissist coworker/bf after 2 years of freedom. I’ve finally ended it.
The veil has been lifted.
However, he works with me closely 5 days a week. It’s peppered with silent treatment, triangulation with female coworkers, and efforts to get back.
I’m in constant stress mode.
This helps me reframe it, thank you ❤
I left a job of 28 years to get away from my ex bf narc coworker. I totally understand what you're saying here. I couldn't deal with it because he was stalking me at work. I went no contact, got a protective order and found a new job. He's not allowed to enter my new workplace because of the protective order. It's been 6 months of the new workplace and I'm finally starting to heal. My primary care physician is helping me out with my health and I'm focusing on undoing the damage to my physical health. I believe it's going to take years to get my mental health back but I'm in a trauma group for that. I hope you can find another job and get away from the abuse.
@@insiteandawareness3500
Thank You for sharing
Really helps that you get it
😊
My heart pounds every single minute that I’m awake and when I’m asleep - if I can sleep - I have nightmares. I think it’s been 11 years now. There used to be occasional pauses, but ever since I haven’t had enough money to make my own decisions, my narcissist father has used his to reward the narcissist and to punish me. That sounds so whiny I can hardly write it, but my sense of danger is based on the present threat as well as all the past abuse.
I'm shocked by how much you've helped me process. My parents were bad but nothing like some of the heartbreaking stories I've seen here in the comments. I wish you all happiness and healing
I almost died. Have developed lifelong illnesses.
Omg me too! Not alone, I'm so very sorry you went through this too! My heart goes out to you. Healing from the inside out!
Me too! I spent my married life suicidal and didn’t even understand why. I still have trouble. 😊❤
@elizabethbettencourt1116 I'm taking care of my health, but I can't go back. I have to take medicines lifelong. I used to be really healthy.. into sports, etc..
@elizabethbettencourt1116 take care of yourself. Health is everything.
@@kathleenwharton2139 I hope you heal.
I really needed this video. I am in nursing school and one of my instructors berated our class the other day and my heart was racing I kept losing my breath. And then for several days after it was all I could think about. Did I do something wrong? She knows everybody in the hospital I’m working for and she could ruin my life if she wanted to and seems like she gets a kick out of that. But actually I think she may just be an abusive person and she probably berated our group just because it made her feel powerful, so I’m trying to just let it roll off of my back but I have a strong trauma response and it triggered me! I cried for an hour that day after my clinical. She told us that maybe we aren’t meant for nursing but I have been doing everything I can to learn and do my best, wholeheartedly. There are so many difficult and power-hungry people in this field.
I've been a nurse for 30 years. Empaths are drawn to it, for good reason, and there are many abusers in the system. I've read where many leave the profession in the first year, and the average career of a nurse is about 9 years.
I attribute that to abuse but that's JMO.
Nursing needs more empathetic people. I hope you don't get discouraged.
Oh thank! I had a horrible nightmare about my narcissist last night and needed to hear this. ❤❤❤❤
The funk after waking up is awful because it can ruin a perfectly good situation.
I had to undergo ketamine infusion therapy due to the depression resulting from my narcissistic relationship. My mother is a horrible person. I tried to swaddle the fence for years--- extremely low contact but never challenging her ridiculous perceptions and narrative. She is nearing 80 years old now and alone so we wants a "new relationship" with me since her flying monkey died (my stepfather). Never going to happen!
I will continue to seek therapies thathelp re-wire my brain and refuse to engage with her anymore. I expect to receive a call at some point that she's passed. I wonder if her last 'hurrah' will be screwing me with the will.
Don't care either way!
Mine screwed me...
Oh, yeah, mine used her will as the final slap in my face. 3 of my 4 siblings, all of whom benefited substantially from her move, took the opportunity to demonstrate who they really are. So I have one sister and we're very supportive of each other's healing. Don't need the rest, after ditching my narc of 40 yrs, all vampires beware
Mine too. Her final punishment was cutting me out of the will if I wouldn't get back in line as her scapegoat. I told her to just go ahead, I didn't care about money, and her eyes widened with disbelieve before she stormed out with tears of anger and with a last "have a happy life with your partner". I said "Thanks, I will."
You cover everything, like you are reading my mind. Everything you’re speaking about is everything that’s going through my mind it really is. Thank you for this.
I’ve always felt “less than”, was bullied starting in kindergarten, had night terrors. As a teenager, the self-hate began, along with severe depression and anxiety. By my 20s I was having panic attacks and back pain. Everything got worse in my 30s, still single, poly-drugged for all the wrong reasons, the back, neck, and knee pain got worse. I was drawn to difficult people and put up with a lot of crap both at work and at home. I was disconnected from life and people. My body eventually broke down in my mid-40s, back surgery, lost job and home. My 50s were a blur of increasing disability, abuse at home, and the development of two rare diseases. I’ll be 60 soon. I have the body of someone 15-20 years older. I’m single, and alone, with no one to turn to for help. Narcissistic abuse destroys the body and mind. At my age, and health, there’s not much to look forward to. I’ll be glad when this is over. I wish I had access to the internet and Dr Ramani when I was young and healthier. At least the next generations have access to this information. I hope they break the cycle and find health and happiness away from abusive families and partners.
Yes, I often have flashbacks of my toxic and abusive teenage years, especially in early highschool, whenever I hear songs and music from that time ( the early-mid 1980s), look through old family photos ( which I have now destroyed) . I have both visual and auditory flashbacks, and a feeling that I'm back in that horrible time and home environment. I'll try to keep it short, but I was bullied and tormented by my siblings, especially the narc sister, because I was never allowed to be normal teenager, not allowed to socialize, forced to dress and look a certain way to please my mother, I remember that the only control I had over my own life was what I chose to eat. I experimented with various diets, and being an uninformed teenage girl, I went to extreme, my hair fell out from poor diet plus the constant stress and verbal abuse from my mother and grandparents, so I was bullied and tormented even further , and my mother did nothing to stop it.
That's over 40 years ago, and the pain can still cut like a knife, even though all of these toxic people are long deceased.
Has anyone out there been told by their narc that you misunderstand them?
Yes I have and it was about me not understanding how special and right she was. My mother.
@@diana5898 Thanks. Yes, they are so right and we are to them stupid.
Most of us, and yes that is gaslighting
constantly
Thank you for always having the right words, you have no idea how much I needed this. You are an amazing woman.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your work in helping to educate the public on Narcissest Personality Disorder. I left my Narcissest last August and while it really stunk experiencing it, she raged until she recieved a restraining order in January. Because of your work, its actually made her a little predictable and has also helped me better prepared emotionally for her rage. I have already read your newest book. I literally thought it was a me issue. Thank you!
Congratulations on the book "It's not you"!!!!!🙌👍❤❤❤
Difficulty cencentrating--oh yes! Because the narcissist interrupts CONSTANTLY! No wonder I can focus like a laser now on a book, for instance, despite noise, TV, or radio in the room. Wow. Never thought about how often the two big narcissists in my life constantly interrupted what I was doing, and unfortunately, I'm still having to deal with one of them.
Mine has been dead for a couple years now and I am starting to enjoy reading again (without interruptions). LOL
Bought your book last week, ‘It’s Not You’, and listened to your appearance on the ‘The Diary Of A CEO’ podcast . You are truly making a positive, HUGE impact upon myself as well as others who’ve survived and/or going through a narc relationship. Thank you so much, Dr. Durvasala! I think I’m going to show my psychiatrist this book tomorrow during my session! It’s truly been a weight lifted off my shoulders, 😌 🙏🏼.
Yess! I learned to embrace the feeling of racing heart again by rampskating; standing on an object to throw yourself down, giving in to the speeds requires my heart and brain to activate.
It gives joy to speed down, concluding you're not only surviving but even thriving!
Hi Ramani,
Thank you for your love and support.
You are a savior to my heart. You are a brilliant
psychologist. You are a brilliant mind.
I love you. I would love to spend time with you.
I would love to talk to you over a coffee or
whatever. You saved me from the misery
of my narcissistic family. You are incredibly
special to me. You help many people.
I extend my heart to you. Thank you so
much for everything you have taught me.
Wow so heartfelt, I felt it!!! Love and strength to you. Hugs
Had to listen twice to this video. The memory of a severe flashback I experienced was extremely traumatic for me
It came in real life memory, including feelings and all my senses
It happened in a grocery store near my home
Basket of groceries were left down & I exited asap up to my friends home
I held my head in my hands, telling her I was losing my mind. It was an extremely horrific event over 40 years since it had occurred with the grandiose malignant nex
Found a trauma therapist thanks to this channel, and I am healing and so very grateful to you, Dr.Ramini, for assisting in my healing & being happy in my own body. Panic attacks & nightmare followed that flashback and I am making huge progress
Thanks again
Couldn't have made it without your support ❤
I have learned so much through your talks. It all has told me that everything I feel, after 30+ years, is normal. It tells me that I am not crazy.
Creating an alliance of brain body nervous system heart and soul. Love it. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
“I’ve been known to leave full grocery carts.”😂
Good on you! I used to push through with the shopping cart because of the fear of the public humiliation of leaving it, and then drop and break things! You look after yourself 💖
This one was ABSOLUTELY amazing!
I feel stupid,weak, and unhealed every time I get the somatic responses.
I have thought about going to get EMDR to see if that would help BUT, that response has almost become a friend.
It helps me to know my limitations.
It reminds me that this is not good for me get away.
It's almost like intuition on steroids.
If I would have had that reaction a lot sooner instead of doubting my intuition, I wouldn't have gone through what I went through.
In fact if you could market that in a pill ... people would probably take it😂.
I also loved that part about empathy. It really helped.
I'm hesitant to do EMDR for the same reasons. I understand the logic, become more desensitized to the memories of the past abuses so that the effects are less severe in the present. But those memories seared into my brain in the way and the depth they did to teach me Never, Ever Trust These People Again, and for me nothing on Earth feels worth possibly losing that or having its impact/volume reduced. I'd rather deal with my trauma responses through different Therapy Techniques than ever risk trusting my abusers again.
I got triggered by putting sun visor down in the car because the narc yelled at me to never put the sun visor down even if my retinas are being burned out by direct sun. He then slammed the visor up. 20 yrs later, I'm trepid and need to put the visor down, my adrenalin starts going and I get furious that I let this person dictate whether I can shield myself from the sun. I got so mad and went off on the narc who was driving at the time, then I cried and raged and said, "why am I scared to put the sun visor down?" You did this! His response, "sorry."
I would have to ask permission if I could have the sun visor down, I had forgotten that, in amongst all the other stuff. Once, on a long trip, sat in the front passenger seat, next to him, I twiddled my thumbs around each other ! Omg that was a big mistake ! I'd forgotten that day also.
😢
I was in the car just now and when I put the sun visor down I actually thought of you. My God I didn' t even know I was supposed to ask that!
All of your videos have helped me but this one hits where I’m at RIGHT now. Hyper vigilant about the intentions of others, still “empathic” but having difficulty acting on it. And the exhaustion, which I suspect may play a big part in my desire to embrace life to the fullest. I’m working on it and my goal is to get back to that place one day. Thank you for the validation Dr. Ramani. ❤
Dr. Ramani congrats on your book and success, been following you forever and it is so good to see you succed and spread your knowledge in the open, clear, simple, caring and close way you do. ❤
💚
Thank you Dr Ramani- you have helped me heal on so many levels.
Thank you 🙏
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant and super helpful. Many thanks dr Ramani.
I was always trying to make sense of non-sensical explanations that my narcissistic gave me for his really bad behaviors. Because I was never allowed to actually discuss the behavior, it became buried, only to resurface when the behavior was repeated. If I brought that behavior up, it would be dismissed again, so I would bring up the past showing the pattern, and he would get angry at me for bringing up the past.
Every instance of these events (and there were thousands), was followed by longer and longer periods of silent treatment, cold-shoulder and avoidance. Everything that defines a relationship in my mind, cuddling, dates, doing things together, planning anything, holidays, vacations, closeness, eating together, everything, was slowly taken away from me until there was literally nothing left to call this a relationship of any sort. It was the epitome of the anti-relationship. And I have to say, it was the strangest and most devastating thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it until I listened to you. I feel like you saved my life, at least what’s left of it after wasting half of it in this fog., so thank you, Dr. Ramani.❤
Crazy....word for word...anti relationship is a good way to describe it..
This must be your most valuable video for me, at this point in my life, ever!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
So, even though my Sympathetic NS is being triggered, that doesn't mean that I haven't recovered cognitively.
Wow!
My father just passed and one of my siblings is invalidating me and gaslighting me.
I have been sick over my response, when until he was first hospitalized 2 months ago, I felt happy and secure in my recovery.
Now, with this situation I have been feeling beaten up, and disillusioned that I feel this way, physically.
I can only imagine the trauma caused by being raised by a narcissistic parent when you’re just learning how the world works and who to trust . Even just being in a relationship with one of these monsters in adulthood has caused me years and years of trauma. My heart breaks for those children and the fear and confusion they must have lived in everyday. Dr Ramani thank you for all you do, no doubt you have saved many people ( me included) by bringing awareness and information to a disorder most of us never heard of . You are a guiding light and I am so thankful for you.
I can honestly say I'm not over my relationship with a narcissistic husband and he died 11 & 1/2 years ago. It may be because now I am terrorized by my narcissistic sister. But that won't last forever either and in the meantime I've gone no contact.
I have dreams of the X and they are so real I end up with a full on panic attack takes me days to get over it
You are not alone! I experience this too. I get frustrated but know its the mind trying to process the horrid experiences. Take care, we WILL heal from this!
My heart is pounding just thinking of any chance encounters.
I have epiphanies a lot from the past. When you have spoken of vulnerable narcissism and like people are out to get you, I believe that you feel that way after being abused in any form after narcissistic abuse and that does not make one a narcissist but a survivor of trauma inflicted by a narcissist. Not disagreeing with you since you are a professional but being hoovered for years after can cause you to feel like you need to change your identity and move off grid. These weirdo’s can literally use any means possible to mess with you. In my case that doesn’t mean I’m paranoid because I am the narc, it makes me paranoid that I can’t get peace away from them when I blocked them everywhere yet they still find cracks even seven years later
My only sibling for 50 years has gaslight me, raged at me viciously when called her out for all the years of lying. Finally had the courage to go No Contact. I never want to see, hear, talk to her ever again. I thought I would literally die after our last encounter. My cardiac rate was alarming. Just working on loving myself and am no longer willing to be her supply.
I had the fight or flight response and it was my own mother!
The determination to learn to self soothe and having the discipline to not engage with people who display unhealthy communication styles is my goal, as well as accepting the ambiguities of life. As Dr. Carter states, we live in a broken world that is often unresponsive to goodness and logic. A radical acceptance ( Dr. Ramani) of these facts is leading me to focus more on what I can do for myself, within myself. I absolutely hate about myself that any piss ant can cross my path and ruin an otherwise lovely day ( the relic of two terrifying parents).