7 Types Of Invalidating Toxic Parents - Role Play
Вставка
- Опубліковано 14 тра 2024
- In this video we cover: validation, role-plays, role-play, rp, roleplay, therapy, healing, self-healing, journaling ,toxic relationships, triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, mind reading, moods, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, NPD, BPD, dysfunctional family
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
0:50 Feedback and Validation in the Toxic Family
1:41 Inner Child and Adult Issues With Validation
2:44 Connect With Me
3:23 Validation Triggers - Causes and Effects
5:39 My Work Trigger Example
7:50 What to Look For in This Role-Play
9:41 The Scenario - The Work Problem
11:21 The Work Problem - #1 Takes Their Side - (You're the Problem)
12:03 The Work Problem - #2 You End Up Taking Care of Them (I'm the Real Victim)
13:05 The Work Problem - #3 Talks About Sibling or Someone Else (Only they Matter)
13:56 The Work Problem - #4 What Do You Want Me to Do About It (Suffering Competition)
14:26 The Work Problem - #5 Let's Make It Worse For You (Live in Doom Like Me)
15:25 The Work Problem - #6 You're My Audience Now (Disorganized Attention Seeking)
16:49 The Work Problem - #7 Can't Right Now...busy (Avoidant Parenting)
17:23 The Work Problem - #8 Healthy Validation
18:54 How do These Parents "See" Their Children?
20:11 Healthy Validation Explained
24:47 Journaling Prompts - Homework
28:35 Final Thoughts
28:50 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
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"Don't look for healing at the same feet of those who broke you."
-'rupi kaur'
Best words I’ve ever heard!!!
Wow this is so powerfully true.
Yes you will keep falling further down
@@MsThe90
Exactly, they'll just keep abusing and taking advantage of you further still.
Kicking you when you're down
Wow did I need to hear that!!! I was never good enuf in my mother's eyes, who verbally abused me all my life. Yet I keep trying to seek her validation n please her. I'm 59 now n it's getting worse only becuz Ive been in therapy for years n I learned to speak up where as my younger years I was too afraid to defend myself ... After all that disrespectful in her eyes... I'd get smacked or punished. Anyway while still seeking her approval I also defend myself,. This week was the worse argument ever! I spoke up n vented every emotion n feeling I've stuffed down all my life but I was in rage n now I'm no longer part of our family. In my mind I believe the severity this time was done thru shock n guilt!!! Anyway I feel regretful now but somewhat relieved. I wish I would of seen ur message 4 days ago lol. But everything happens for a reason right. Thank u tho. Ur message is extremely powerful
I'm so glad that you included the Healthy Validation because so many of us didn't know what that even looks like.
Until last year, I didn't even know that parents actually did healthy validating like that. I couldnt believe it.
Sometimes I will get the healthy validation after I was ransacked with the unhealthy invalidation and then they wondered why I wasn't so quick to partake from the festivities of their now somewhat willing validation they finally wanted to give me..🤔🤔😏
Yes, invalidation is so normal to us.
totally!!!!!!!
EXACTLY 🔥💥❤️
I binge watch these videos so to be extra aware of how I treat my babies. Thank you. Breaking these generational curses.
Isiah saldivar is also really good!
This is such great parenting on your part though!! What a good parent you are ❤
Same!
I love that you are so self aware - thank you for being an inspiration - hope life will flow your way, and you gonna reap what you sow ✨
Love that!!
The words I remember as a kid are "life isn't fair" and "the world doesn't revolve around you"
I heard those too often from my mother.
And This is the story of my life :/
I've heard that many times.
*Suck it up, Buttercup* was a golden ticket as well
Wow me too. "Shxt in one hand and want in the other, see which gets full faster" whenever I said I wanted something
It's so heartbreaking how alien the healthy validation scenario feels.
Right? feels like that's something you could only watch in a well scripted movie
The most tears watching that one, for sure.
I know right! That was a real moment for me… I’ve heard other people do the healthy validation talk but to my damaged perceptions it seemed rude… this work is hard💔 💜hugz all💜heal on💜
It IS something I’ve only heard on tv/in movies, the healthy validation. That’s just shameful. It’s utterly shameful.
I’m just now realizing I deserved better than that solely due to hearing myself say these things to my daughter knowing and believing the truth of them beyond my bones, I had to begin to ponder why my own words didn’t apply to me.
I felt panic in my chest
I think my parent's tendencies to never take my side or empathize with me has had a big part in my tendency to hide my stresses and concerns and difficulties opening up. And also a terrible tendency I have to exaggerate when I *do* open up, because I am worried about the other person siding with the other party, even when I know I am right.
Oh man. I exaggerate sometimes too because I’m scared my problem won’t be a big enough deal. My Dad has said to me since I was quite young - toddler age - that I have nothing to cry about, or I’m being dramatic.
A great watch on How bad parents are made ua-cam.com/video/yRq2tYnpgO0/v-deo.html
Wow, you just perfectly described what I’ve struggled with my entire life. I’ve learned to hide my feelings, even from myself, so when an instance comes up where I actually need to get help and be heard I feel like my reactions are fake and over exaggerated. We will heal and get through this ❤️
This me 😭😭😭😭
I feel the same especially with my Mom since my dad wasn't super present physically. I usually tend to minimize my issues if the person is freaking out or over-reacting. Although my mom had the tendency to over-react or under-react along with some emotional abuse bh. So I notice I tend to minimize my issues if I perceive the other person is over-reacting or even if they under-react and dismiss it. The only times I have later noticed that I displayed my feelings more theatrically is when the other person has hurt me and I need them to take ownership or show remorse and prove o me I'm important. That is typically when if they dismiss it I will then say something like, "you hurt me and made me feel like I'm not important and you don't respect me that's okay I'm sorry I thought you cared. I would never do that that to you and someone who loved me as a person/friend would not do that". Which btw is usually with avoidant types that I've noticed I did this too, since that's the only time my needs will be addressed. I laugh because I realize this was a 2 fold issue growing up, my mom would constantly say I'm being dramatic/ a drama queen or exaggerating my feelings as a way to dismiss me and silence me. I would get upset, think that no one cares and try to keep everything a secret. Of course she's emotionally abusive so she would always try to trick or trap me into thinking it's safe to talk and then something would happen where I'd instantly regret it. But yes there were times I had to over- exaggerate to get my needs met as a child which is ironic since my mom supposedly wanted me to act dramatic, so that was a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy on her end. I will however say as an adult when and if that happens with someone else I will address it and point out how unhealthy that is in our relationship. I mean it's essentially proving to someone you are worthy of being seen and shown care/affection by having to manipulate a situation to get your basic needs met 🥺😭. Please do not date or befriend ppl that exhibit unhealthy bh traits and patterns because the cycle will repeat and you deserve better.
I’ll never forget telling my mom I was being bullied in school, and she told me to just ignore them. That was it. No empathy. No compassion. It was so dismissive. I never went to her with my problems again, and I’ve had a life-long hesitancy to share my feelings and problems with others.
I'm so sorry you were bullied! You did not deserve that! Poor kid. I would've liked to have helped you through that.
@@knie1172 That's terrible. I think you deserved better than that.
I feel this. 100%. I told my mom and she said get over it.
Same! I was being bullied by my 3 sisters actually … and they got the neighborhood kids to bully me too. My mom said ‘well if they call you stupid / fat / ugly etc does that mean you will be?’ Or if they would beat me up she would say ‘that’s how kids are, it’s normal’ or ‘well stop bothering them’ or ‘stay away from them’ . My dad would get very annoyed and disgusted with me if I came to him crying and yell at me to go away.
I don’t know how to speak up or defend myself . I often feel like bad things happen to me because I brought it upon myself and I’m helpless to change things. It’s really difficult to know what my feelings are and realize when things are toxic . I often question my perspective and don’t trust myself .
I’m in therapy now and I’m feeling a lot of anger . I am 35 but still feel like a young helpless child .
@@PENH5428 I’m so sorry you went through that with your family. I understand how it effects later relationships and undermines self esteem. I know it’s hard but keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for other’s behavior. Therapy has really helped me. I hope it helps you too.
I used to say IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU SHARE IT WITH MY MOTHER, THEN YOU HAVE TWO PROBLEMS: YOUR ORIGINAL PROBLEM PLUS MOM’S REACTION TO IT (which was usually hysteria or some other highly needy childish over the top insane emotion and even crazy behavior). Basically, her response required that I take care of her. I eventually just stopped telling her about difficult things in my life. Which eventually led to no communication with her at all.
You chose wisely. I hope you're finding some peace now.
What an Elizabeth Bennett! Also, relatable.
Laughing at this because its so real to me , and I did laugh at her over reactions many times , but it is the only way I could deal with it .
Also I see it as she got what she needed , you not interacting with her at all . Sometimes I think they do a repulsive behaviour just to push us away because they cannot deal with too many kids ! My mom had 6 of us . I was always chosen as the one to say no to , but not just no , but a hysterical over the top no . I learned early to stay away from her , or I would get it when she had had enough from her kids that day ! I was always considered last in everything too . I was number 5. An accident and a girl . She treated the 3 boys totally differently than us girls . She loved them . I was a tomboy never identifying with girls at all growing up , as if that would get me off the hook , and she would consider me first . never happened
This was my mother-in-law's reaction... How interesting.
My son was killed by a drunk driver. At the time I was taking care of my aging toxic narcissistic mother in her home. I broke down crying one day while making dinner for her. She asked, "what's the matter with you?" I said I was missing my son. She replied," you should be over that by now. He had passed only two weeks prior.
So sorry for your loss! 🙏
Oh, my goodness how callous. I guess you loved you son so much that you'll never "get over it" and that you wouldn't even want to. You would want and need to for ever love him and cherish and honor his memory, and that is your right and absolutely natural, too. I was so moved when there was a huge sunami and many went missing, and my son reacted by knowing that I would never stop searching for him. I hope you will by and by (years) find a way to "live with" your son till you die, close to you in your heart, you need never to part with him, just to please others. I wouldn't do it. Your heart will only grow due to this tragic death, and there will always be room for him in a central and warm place. Nobody has the right to take that away from you.
Next time your mother is that silly and selfish, look her straight in the eyes and tell her calmly and firmly: "Shut up!", turn around and go for a long walk. You are worth it! And stay loving!
I lost my son when he was 6 years old. And you're absolutely right, it's almost our culture, not just individuals, who act like we should all be over it, maybe not in 2 weeks but certainly within a month. The thing you need to know, is that you won't get over it. It. But you will learn to carry it. And when you do, you'll be able to help others carry it too. He's been gone for over 30 years, and certain things can still remind me so deeply of him that tears come to my eyes. Eyes. You will learn to carry it, and that will make you stronger.
@@KeriRojas I'm sure you do help many others to carry their sorrow and the deep love it is based on. Come to think of it - it is very egotistical to demand from a mother that "you should get over it (and direct all your attention and being of service to beof service for me)!"
You stayed loving, Keri, and I admire for it. All the best wishes - may you be blessed!
Wow your mom is very sick. She has no empathy. Low or no contact would help you. You deserved a better mom I’m sorry you didn’t have that. You may want to argue that because we can’t see who we love. But this is huge red flag of who your mom has always been. I hope you can let her go & forgive her too. But she is dangerous to you. So toxic again I’m sorry. Your son helped reveal this to you. Those that we love are always with us guiding & helping us. As much as it hurt he revealed her. Sorry for your loss of your son. Now your mom not every loss is a true loss. Especially if they could never be there the way we needed for us or themselves. Take care of you & surround yourself with people who validate your pain. There is no time table for grief. It’s part of the controlling shoulds your mom employs. So she could feel comfortable…. The only time line for grief is simple before & after. You will heal but faster if you can protect yourself from people even your mom. Who don’t truly care if you heal but want you to shut down. So they don’t have to feel bad. Again she is sick not your fault. I hope you set boundaries with her. There are explanations for her behaviors but no excuses. It was a horrible cruel thing she said. I’m sorry you had to hear that while tending to your broken heart. Cry all you want it’s NORMAL. Your normal forget all the negative messages from your mom. She is not normal at all.
The fact that I imagined myself in the situation and said to myself "I would never tell my parents if I have problems at my job" tells everything doesn't it?
Hahaha yes. I was thinking, "Noooo!! What are you doing!?!?" I learned not to do this when I was about......8.
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Yeah, i haven’t talked to my parents about struggles at school, at my workplace or with friends etc since i was... i don’t know, 10? Cause every time i did my mum would either brush it off or be so aggressive, like “if you have this problem it’s your fault and you have to handle it/omg you are handling it so badly, i can’t with you”....
like, might as well deal with it alone and avoid getting shit from you then
I felt the same way because I know that exact or similar scenario would happen…
I keep and kept a lot from them growing up. I’m 29 and still don’t tell them anything because it makes me feel sick when I do. I actually got that same tense gut feeling watching this.
I certainly never brought up work, relationship or school issues to them. I would tell my friends about it and they’d be like that’s not normal and try to help. Thank goodness for the internet and kind people IRL. I still struggle, but they at least helped to guide me.
Yeah probably you're the scapegoat like most us lol...my golden child sister has no problem complaining about work
"It's your fault for getting into a situation where others are taking advantage of you. How could you be so stupid?" (A gem from my father)
Directly followed by, you just have to power through, stuff doesn’t just fall from the sky
TAKES THEIR SIDE!! It took me a while to recognize this- but no matter what the situation…people she doesn’t know, strangers…if I tell her anything that happened in my life, she ALWAYS takes their side, and I must have been in the wrong.
ENTITLED LOSER- yep. That’s how I’ve been raised , to feel guilty about everything. I used to walk away when we checked at the grocery store as a young young child, because I couldn’t take how guilty I would feel from the amount of money she had to spend, and there would inevitably be a long diatribe on the way home of how much money it costs to feed me. (No wonder I ended up with a lifelong ED)
My mother too! How Frustrating! A witch woman pulled two of my molars out instead of one( I live in Hawaii, they are full of nasty tricks here😢) and now I can't chew on that side. She still found a way to take her side!! She must know what she's doing... I'm sure there's a reason.. I told the dentist who was the boss, he did nothing. It would be too much like work. Ppl here "look the other way" and play dumb to get out of working too much. And they don't like to"rock the boat". I told her all this and she still took their side!! Ugh! 😢😮 She's crazy I'm learning, though she hides it well to the outside world. Covert narcissist. I love his videos 😊
Lol 😂 yep! My ex, mom, dad, brother, grandmother and so on and so on! I did something wrong to my cousin and apologized but my own aunt tried to get through to my mother and of course she was on my side 😂
You too???
I had an operation when I was 17 and an athlete. They had put me in the pediatric ward bc I was under 18, and the brand new nurse (she cheerfully told me it was her third day, and looking back, I should have sprinted out of there RIGHT THEN), gave me my pre op injection in the top of my thighs.
Which you only do for children 2 and under.
When I awoke from the operation- which was on my hand- I COULD NOT WALK. It was AGONIZING. The top of my legs, felt like they were immersed in boiling oil. I couldn’t walk for a MONTH.
When I told my Dad, who could see that I was in real pain, that I wanted to at least have the nurse disciplined, he told me he couldn’t do that, and I was over reacting, and stop it.
The thing was?
He was head of the hospital, at that time.
He could have done SOMETHING.
He blamed me.
The pain lessened, but I had to quit soccer- and I was one of the first 3 girls to play on the boys’ varsity team, in the States.
The pain came up whenever I exercised strenuously. It finally left-
AFTER 30 YEARS.
I can’t tell you how validating it is, to finally be able to let go of the shame about this.
THANK YOJ PATRICK!
Same! Feeling less alone
I remember clearly writing 5 things on notecards that I felt were stumbling blocks as a young teen - weight, driving, dating - things I wanted help with, saw as interconnected issues, and tearfully brought them to my mother for her to help me pick one and help me make progress. She laughed the whole thing off, my earnestness, and I feel like that's sort of set the tenor of our relationship for the next 20 years.
What an amazingly insightful thing to do as a kid. Beautiful discernment.
Yeah, to have that kind of wisdom at a young age...what a cool kid she missed out on. Her loss, in my opinion.
That story makes me so sad. You were so open.
Awww 😔 sounds like maybe she was trying to project shame onto you bc she felt shame for not knowing how to help you.. but you showed a lot of self awareness and courage doing that, and I’m sorry she wasn’t able to be there for you.. Peace and blessings to you on your healing journey💓🕊
Thank you, everyone. This video just brought that moment vividly to mind. I love her, know she loves me, zero doubt. But somehow, it has shut me down throughout my life.. She asks what's wrong and in many moments, when I'm caught in my head, I feel so deeply and so much about the path of my life that I can't answer. And this, she sees as me shutting her out and reacts with anger that I can't supply a comfortable answer in 30 seconds. It is hard to think that telling her it's because she shut me out (on this level of emotions where I operate) a long time ago would bring positive change to our relationship.
“There’s no free lunch in this world and I’ve been telling you that since you were six.” Oh. My. God. This is gold.
my mom would always tell me "life ain't fair" haha
MY DAD LMAO
My dad used to use similar phrases almost exactly like that. Lol I recently discovered this channel and I swear this guy has been secretly spying on my family. He is so spot on lol.
Yes, but really there is no free lunch.
"Fair is a place where they sell pigs and judge pies"
My favorite lines...
"You aren't depressed, you just need to quit feeling sorry for yourself."
"Quit blaming your bad mood on "depression". You could control it if you wanted to."
"Why are you in such a bad mood? Where have I failed as a parent? You are just being a disrespectful bully!"
"Oh, you have it soooooooo bad, don't you? You have a nice bed, food to eat, a place to live. We let you join band/chour/ROTC and this is how you treat us?"
"Quit using depression as an excuse! You just need to pray harder!"
God is deaf and mute f that dude or thing whatever it is not a fan never was god knows already it knows if it doesn't no harm no foul religion opiate for the masses but never got me no feels I feel blessed yeah ok I feel cursed .
Hug
"Get a haircut and a job. You've just got too much time to think about your navel." 🙄
omg the last one ooooof
Sounds familiar
It was actually eye-opening to know that it is completely normal and healthy to seek validation 😳 I always thought seeking validation and support is viewed as a weakness and that it is a burden. It makes sense that we humans indeed need validation from each other. I have now a better understanding of why I have such a hard time trusting my mother.
We're abused as young children...of course nobody wants to be bothered with feelings and shames you for being weak. When you don't like something for whatever reason or don't feel well, your feelings just don't matter. No time...
I was also taught to never ask for validation. When I received it from others it felt fake.
Ho...ly... sh**... thank you guys so much for posting these comments... so relatable yall dont even know...
Right?! That was such a hard thing to learn in therapy. I first learned it years ago and I'm still struggling with realizing it's normal.
Me too.
The doom parent, painting the child as entitled loser, felt so natural that I really struggled to see the toxicity. Wow.
Thank you 🙏🏼
sounds like the worst kind of baby boomer.
Facts❤
"We would bond through negativity or complaining." My family did this as well and eventually I gave it a name - pissing contest. Basically the goal was who could be the most self-pitying to the point where the discussion stopped.
ALSO OMG MY MOM WORKS AT A HOSPITAL SO THIS HIT HOME SO HARD SHE LITERALLY DOES THIS
I call it the Misery Olympics.
I call it the [name/problem] hate train. Pissing contest to me is when they're trying to flex the hardest and be the coolest but about things they really shouldn't be proud of
I swear it’s either this with my family or seeing who can take the piss out on someone the best. We call it “shit talk” and it’s basically just roasting someone until they cry. Basically in my family you either have to be the victim or make the victims, there’s no in between
@@riverstein7251 holy shit that's bad. Get away quick 🤗
My mom gets so hurt and confused on why I can’t say “I love you” or give her a hug as an adult. It feels uncomfortable and unsafe. This isn’t what I wanted nor am I being petty- A huge wall just grew over time.
Wow I totally felt this and I agree. My whole life I’ve always wondered what it would be like having a good/decent mother/daughter relationship like “society” has made it seem. Sadly my mother has done the worst imaginable things and said things my worst enemy wouldn’t. But these videos have helped me TONS!
I felt the same. I could not stand the smell of my mom. So getting close was not what I desired.
Yeah, exactly, it's not a frivolous choice, it's necessary to feel safe and comfortable.
Too real, always just felt obligated to give affection but always felt super uncomfortable
Her hugs feel so draining. Like it sucks the life out of me.
“Entitled loser” parents pretty much made me so afraid of living that I developed full blown severe social phobia, anxiety, and a 20 year long maladaptive daydreaming habit tipped off with a dash of alcoholism and substance use.
Same.
same as well, but i wasnt treated as entitled, just invisible. glad to know i’m not alone ❤
I am so sorry!
You are WORTH IT! You deserve a fully happy life!
Do not give up!
There is always another day to make things right!
✅
Rolling a blunt anyway substance abuse like substances can be abused ....
My father has always made the way he sees me very, very clear. Incapable, irresponsible, inefficient, lazy, ungrateful, and over-emotional.
Imagining him talking to me the way you showed the healthy validation in this video brought me to tears. I can’t imagine what that would feel like.
I felt tear eyed about that part too 😢real unconditional love
I know it hard but dont think abt it
I hope you get the experience of getting your own place. Even a cute little lovely peaceful studio. So you can physically take yourself out of that environment. Somehow, “saving myself” took away 50% of the mental negative conversations. Paying my bills and working for my own financial freedom was super scary at first but then in a way I earned my ow trust, respect, self -love. I also got to truly hear my own thoughts and see if they were really mine or placed there by a toxic parents. The relationships within myself and finding a good therapist have completely changed my life. In a couple weeks things got so much better it was amazing. May you feel the same peace and love in one way shape or form. And if you’ve already took yourself out of that negative environment. Congratulations to you brave girl 💜
OMG literally same gurrrllll!!!
TW: Self harm.
I haven't reached that part of the video, but I cried reading the words you used about how your dad sees you. My parent used those words towards me all the time as a child. I dont remember much about my childhood, but I do clearly remember cutting those words into my thigh, and sorry on my wrist (for not being good enough). The parent now denies ever having said those things to me.
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and autism at 41. When I shared this with my mom, she used one of her go to responses---"everyone suffers. Life is hard because of what's going on these days".
I want to break the phone when I talk with her.
I hear you Ruby! My mom is exactly the same, but I think it's a healthy reaction you feel angry and want to break the phone because at least you aren't internalising it all and letting it make you sad and depressed. It doesn't sound like your mom is going to help you much with your ADHD and autism. Try to talk to someone else about it. It might be better. Best wishes, Rosie.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and ADHD but was totally wrong and now I have no diagnosis lol.
I am so sorry 😐
grrrrrrrrr....
Sounds like my mother and I wonder if she can even comprehend what I say. My mother responses don't even make sense.
My mother usually took the stance of either "it's got to be your fault somehow," or "if you think YOU have problems...." Then she wondered why I stopped coming to her and telling her things.
I feel you did the right thing - took responsibility for whom you confided in. Kudos!
While being mercilessly bullied at high school , my mom would say “you just must have done something to upset these girls? this doesn’t happen for no reason”. I was utterly desperate…
I'm so, SO sorry you had to deal with that. It's absolutely dismissive & uncalled for on her part.
When I was 8 or so, I had a "friend" come to my door & ask if I could come out & play~ we ran down the street, I was so happy she finally asked me to hang out & play. At the end of the block, another "friend" was hiding behind a big pine tree with a bag of shaving cream ... When I turned the corner she smeared my face w it. Menthol shaving cream ta boot. My eyes were burning so badly I couldn't see. I ran home to tell my mom, we marched to their house to confront them only to have my mom take their side, comforting & consoling, her arms around hugging them while I trailed several steps behind the 3 of them... I was absolutely devastated that my mom chose to NOT protect me. Catering to those 2 ... Saying to me:
*they have a story too, Sher*
I'll never forget that day.
It happens to the children of narcs a lot, I suspect, because the bullies (fledgling narcs--don't yell at me you can't diagnose kids IDC) can SMELL that conditioning on you almost? So they target you. I bet you had a string of narc love interests, too. They prepare you for their own kind and then throw you out into the world to laugh at the carnage.
It happens because the bullies can tell you've been taught to act like a servant to bullies.
@@sher575 Wow, Sher. I am so sorry. Wow.
I have always hated working or going to jobs even when I "liked" the job. Thinking the workplace might represent the family in my subconscious is like a revelation. It was like going from one horrible place to another.
Me too
Eh, well a good antidote to that might be having a more mercenary relationship with work. It's not a marriage, you don't know it a deep and emotionally fulfilling commitment. It's a fiduciary relationship, so you just do what you have to do to stay in the job description's lane and move on. It's perfectly fine to not have 'work friends' because once one of you ends up leaving that job, the relationship usually peters out, too.
I hear you. Similar feelings of dread and never being seen, heard, appreciated or cared about (and believe me - I could be lowered maintenance!😜) and always having to be ready to stand up for myself because no one else will and it's a toxic environment of immaturity, everyone for themselves, and constant reactionary anger and blame after the fact versus collaboration, support, prevention and problem solving and growth mindsets.
Do everything you can to develop your skills so your essential and can't be cut and can snap your fingers and get a better job with people who you actually want to work with.
In the mean time, yeah, be more mercenary like that other commenter said. And absolutely look out for yourself first and prioritize your physical and mental health and self care. Good luck.
A great watch on How bad parents are made ua-cam.com/video/yRq2tYnpgO0/v-deo.html
I know @lindsay. Work is terrible for me. It's too much like that house I grew up in. I could get yelled at any moment (I have been yelled at in the workplace and just took it. Childhood conditioning) I'm always worried about getting in trouble or blamed for something. I have literally done the work of others due to this. Yet I remain afraid. It's exhausting. I'm not at work one bit to make friends. It's survival to me. But it's a constant worry. My mother would have no idea what she did to me.
OMG, your body language mimics how I must look if I'm forced to speak to my biological family!
I hang up feeling more depressed and confused than I started just thinking: WHY???
Thank you, you are an amazing person!
There is a button on your phone. It is called "block". Isn't it time you used it?
Yeah! You don't have to be a public figure to Block somebody. You don't have to be a gangster to Change Your Phone Number. It's not always reclusive to Decline Invitations. 💖🙏😎
Not everyone is in a position to block certain people. While yes, the block button is very useful and I personally use it... it's not something that we should automatically assume is the one answer.
@@NeenjaFruitcup And it's too late for a lot of us that went through this abuse during the good ole Land Line days....no block button back then.
@@reesedaniel5835 Yup! And even if it HAD been available,I’d have gotten an earful for doing it. My mother’s been gone almost 28 years-physically only. I just can’t get her out of my head….😵💫
"casual betrayal" breaks children's hearts and they often never feel protected and safe at home
My mom is doom and gloom when I bring up something that is bad or good. She is 100% the doom parent you showed. If I call with good news she looks for the flaws or things that can go wrong and turns excitement into anxiety and just hurt that she can’t ever seem genuinely excited for me without casting a huge gray cloud over it.
My mom was like this also.
Same. My dad was all about catastrophizing every scenario- true or imagined, trivial or big, significant or not.
I have a new project (for years) in my life (at 55 years old 😃🤸♀️💪) and did not share it with my 'parents' (yet).
I will not let them ruin it by their... comments. 😉
Rock on, baby! 💃
I think it's also important to think where this kind of reaction comes from with your parents. Sounds like for some reason they have deep seated anxiety. And maybe that stems from their own childhoods and those of their parents and so on. So perhaps a good approach is to recognise that, and it will hopefully help you to move forward instead of getting bogged down in the way your parents treated you. I would call this forgiveness and forgiveness is very powerful.
You might be my sibling cuz it sounds like the same parents raised us….😂 love ya sis
My mother’s answer to any question was “I don’t know what to tell you “ from my childhood til me being 50
Your comment hit home! 💔
Same here.. any time I go to her about anything .. same thing
same but when I talk about something I'm sure about/know about myself/want for myself (not asking for help or advice, just sharing my thoughts), she immediately talks about how I'm wrong to think or feel that way about myself/something no matter what it is bc she has all these years on me/knows better/her experiences prove what I believe/like/think is wrong regardless of how we are different people/life is different for individual people and despite the fact theres been multiple times where she's responded this way and mislead me/led to me having a harder time bc I didn't just listen to my desires/instincts and listened to her instead. but then when I actually come to her for advice its the whole “I don’t know what to tell you" idk if I'm even expressing this right but wondering if this is invalidating or maybe I'm being too reactive or sensitive?
@@MSkp4wo she is invalidating you
same from my dad
Told my mom I felt a lot of anger and resentment towards them, and she replied with” you might need to take some vitamins, you might be deficient somewhere the reason for your bad mood” 🥲
Like, tell me you’re an emotionally neglectful parent without telling me you’re emotionally neglectful🙂
This hit home Bru.
Damn that sounds like my narccy mom smh the nerve
Before my mom died she asked me if I had a good childhood. I told her no. She didn’t even hear me.
Wow.... I´m so sorry that this has happened to you
If my child told me that I'd immediately ask why so I can apologize and make amends. Even if it was something out of my control. So many parents think they gotta cover up and lie to gain respect. I've learned it's better to be vulnerable and honest. Cover ups and lies ruined my life. It sucks to be vulnerable but my faith helps me with that.
One type I'd add to this is when the parent minimises the situation/difficult people in a way that you feel stupid that even felt pressured. They often say "you should be stronger" in a way that you are weak otherwise you wouldnt be bothered about that issue. Completely ignoring your emotions.
My mother started accusing me of gaslighting when I brought up genuine emotional issues 😂 there wasn't even an accusation in there! I was just explaining my emotional state!
I swear I felt so disrespected, that I finally made the call to become an orphan.
No your mom is right 😂 kidding kidding that’s so sad though 😢
My parents always said “well what did YOU do”. I was always the problem so I assumed I was always the problem in every relationship I was ever in. It’s only now I realize in most of the relationship I was the most sane person wondering WTF I was doing wrong.
My parents did the same thing. I once saved my 24yo sister from a beating. My dads friend was caught flirting with her. They wanted to know that exact question, “What did she do?” I was 4 yrs old. I remember it like it was yesterday. I’m 73 ys old now.
@@arianaedwards6793 What a sick response to physical abuse! Hope you are out of that relationship and no longer expect validation from the person who asked that awful question
@@arianaedwards6793 Whoa. What I lived with my whole life. What did You do to deserve it?
I dated a literal psychopath because of the depression and invalidating hole I was in.
Between school at a 5A high school with 4,000+ students, my mom who left us and promised her leaving would make her a better mother, which turned into her even further distancing herself from us, while still living in the same state and school district to take us to school if she happened to ask for us to stay with her and we were guilted into going "because she is your mother, and you're going to regret the time you don't spend with her, it could be fun"
Being bullied for my depression and not killing myself like I said to someone who I thought was a friend
Trying to figure out after high-school while going through weekly therapy
My parents kinda ignoring me for my sister's needs because I was just the "typical asshole teen, that even I was at your age" thanks dad
I found this dude who not only attempted my life, but silently r'd me for 2 years in my sleep after I took my muscle relaxers
My mom told me that she tried to tell me to leave him, she never did, why do I remember so distinctively because I was practically BEGGING HER to visit me in the psych hospital, when the dudes abuse was too much and I got myself away from him.
I finally told her what he was doing to me, and she feels Terrible, but somehow I feel like that's the extent and not how she said she would hurt him, because again she only visited me twice and picked me up upon release and tried siding with the police that I wanted to hurt others, and not just me
@Misiu Maja yesss!
"Well if you go to school only in hoodies and jeans no one can see you, you're hiding"
So I wear less hoodie, more goodies *padded bras, tighter shirts, shorter shorts during summer, makeup and hair for 3 fucking hours before school so at 3am* and then
"You better not have worn that to school, people can see your shoulders, pull your shorts down, who bought that for you?! I need to talk to your dad. Why aren't you wearing your hoodies? I want your curves, God gave you beautiful eyes" *note I told her I'm being bullied because girls were saying I'm fat and ugly with my lazy eye*
Then because of the new attention I was a stupid bet for some juniors to see who could sleep with me or another girl first.
But it wasn't my thought to be out of hoodies to begin with because they kept my anxiety down and body warm 🙃
I went back to hoodies and was practically left alone.
Now it's hard for me to take compliments
My mother is the QUEEN of being the bigger victim, making comparisons to my sibling and redirecting the conversation for disorganized attention seeking. If I ever brought an issue to her attention (which I never do), she’d either tell her own victim story, talk about my sister’s issues or bring up a random movie, tv show or book and completely redirect the conversation. I’ve concluded that my mother hates for the spotlight to be on me in any way. Im exhausted with competing with my mother.
I just had a thought in my Will I should leave all my awards I've ever recieved from my career, my university graduation diplomas to my mother because I bet she does not know about them.I invited her when I graduated university she never came.what a life.I should actually write her s letter to say oh I changed my Will to rather not leave you money but rather my achievements that you can hang them on the wall.The thing that really gets yo me is the fact that she does not want to acknowledge my achievements but wants my money
@@thembisaodendaal Disown that B****
@@island661 it is what it is
Me too
I feel like I just read what I am going through.....my mum makes her problems bigger than ours ..she's also a victim.....🤦🤦🤦🤦
The parent that responds with everything being no big deal and it'll all work out. Basically dismissive - no matter how big of a problem it is. The opposite of the doom response.
Would like a video on learned defensive mechanisms, like feeling you have to yell to be heard/taken seriously. So hard to break this trigger response.
That’s a really good idea.
I really struggle to not raise my voice or yell when I get talked over.. not to mention my family putting words in my mouth..
Or when they purposely misunderstand me. 😅
Same! Huge trigger that my narc parents and grandma love to use against me to make it all my fault and guilt trip me about it to no end. Instead of acknowledging why I’m angry in the first place, it becomes irrelevant to them as soon as I give in to expressing any emotion. They provoke me on purpose anytime I say something they don’t like by stonewalling & not letting me finish one sentence. I had the patience of a saint I swear lol the last time my grandma did this, I let her stop me from speaking at least 10 times before i lost it. Then she smirked and said “oh wow look at how emotional you are.” I was so excited to try the grey rock method during new years dinner with my mom & grandma (before I realized my grandmother is an even worse narc than my mom). I recorded the whole thing just to be safe since my mom always denies things she said or did and I’m donzoo with letting her get away with it. The ruminating is rough from that dinner, it was insane how the tables got turned on me when I did and said literally nothing wrong. So many malicious assumptions and judgements about everything. My dad is an even worse narc than them. So wish me luck on this no contact, eventually maybe gray rock thing! Boy oh boy
Every holiday get together I was the one screaming at my dad. It was so painful being in his presence. Little did I know that my mom was just as hateful, she hid it well.
Yep I'm too emotional. After what feels like 1000 times of explaining what you feel, telling them what you need and spelling it out
This hits me hard. I talk to my parents in a mild and calm manner but they don't give a single fck on what I say. When I increase the volume of my voice they think that I'm being disrespectful to them. I end up not talking to them. It's so frustrating that I end up doing this to others.
One time a homeless man yelled at me in the bus to the point of tears. She wasn’t even there yet my mother still managed to take his side
H no! Gosh I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what else she might have done to you.
I know the feeling. I have high functioning autism, and one time I was discriminated by a bartender who was pretty ignorant about the disorder and dragged me out of the karaoke bar when I tried to explain a few things (I hadn't been violent, I hadn't called her names, I had done nothing wrong. In fact, I was obedient and relatively calm the whole time). My mom wasn't present either, but she also took the bartender's side.
She's also the type of parent who gets upset when people call us on the spectrum 'retards', when she calls me a retard herself when I don't get something because her explanations to things can be a bit vague. I often like to call my mom Madame Hypocrite.
Do we share the same mother
That is so messed up...
I got angry watching this. My mum is the one that will constantly see herself as the victim. I’ve gone to her in the past opening up about how I’m feeling really down, and she’s turned it into how my low mood made HER feel bad about herself. My dad is the one who will constantly disregard anything you say to him, tells you to “push through” and “keep looking forwards”…the kind of toxic positivity shit. Im so glad I’m not alone in this. I can see other people in the comments saying similar stuff. Maybe this can explain why I’m so scared to say the wrong thing when someone is vulnerable to me…I know how much it hurts when you’re invalidated.
In public, whenever I hear a parent LISTEN to their child and NOT dismiss them, it makes my heart feel whole. Almost like my heart is craving JUST to be listened to. No “buts” or “maybe you should try…”, just LISTENING. Haha. Your videos really help me a lot, so thank you
I relate so much to everything you commented. Literally same.
I get so jealous whenever I see a parent in public that actually listens and cares what their child is saying. I know a man who always listens to children. It doesn't matter whose kid it is, what they're doing he always listens and treats them with respect. And just watching those small interactions has helped me so much.
I get so jealous when I see that.
I relate w/ when you say the " Push through " ..similiar things have been said.. from relatives..
Yeah, that's awful... when you don't feel validated.. 😕
Many years ago as a young mother I began noticing how other parents interacted with their children. There were no screaming rages, no parent playing the victim constantly, no hatred and jealousy toward their children. I immediately broke the cycle of the experiences I had growing up. My own home with my boys is quiet and loving, and I intentionally tell them frequently that I am proud of them. I give them choices. I give them the childhood I wish I had been given.
My mum does that as well, when she sees me being sad etc (and obviously when it happens she doesn’t know the reason since we don’t communicate) she gets angry and tells me to stop cause i’m ruining her day, or she makes me feel guilty cause “i’ve been working all day and when i come home you act like this? Maybe tomorrow i should just stay at work ah” as if i’m doing it on purpose to piss her off...
Having immigrant parents always be dismissive and invalidating towards my feelings has always been very difficult for me to open up emotionally to anyone because they would always say that "their lives were much harder where they came from and that I should be grateful I was born in the USA" so I "have no right to complain" etc. Their guilt tripping didn't help at all. It's as if somehow everything bad that happens to me is my fault simply for being born in a different country under different circumstances.
I know right
I'm third generation American, so it's not just immigrant parents. It's ingrained. I partly see what they are saying though but it's not "America"...it's the damn addiction to technology we have in 'developed' countries. Don't feel bad, the gaslighting is not just in your family. And you can always tell them "you should have not moved here then! YOU set ME up"...but that's not correct. Just take the blessings of being here, give thanks and be and do better
Same! My family does that to me too.
1st Gen here and I agree. My parents and grandmother dealt with "real" problems, life and death situations so I understood from a young age that they'd never understand me or my feelings so I could never go to them for support or validation. I became that overly needy friend as a teen but suffered so many serious abusive situations that my "normal" friends would be shocked into silence when I'd open up to them. Now, 30 years later, I'm slowly starting to deal with so many long-buried situations that I'm finally ready to tackle. Watching videos like this help me to see what healthy vs unhealthy looks like and has been quite eye-opening for me. Thank you.
Having a hard life DOES NOT make it okay to give OTHERS a hard life.
I never forget that time I was very upset about something important and I cried to my parents about it. They both looked at me, laughed at me and told me a very rude response. That was one of the first times I felt inferior, humiliated, unloved and devalued, all at the same time. And the irony is that I was that kind of good, quiet, redsponsible child who never did anything upsetting or demanded anything! And yet, they gave me the cold shoulder when I was in such distress.
I understand. I felt the same, I was a good child and could never understand what was wrong with me. Why did they hate me?
I hear you!
gen x parenting in a nutshell. im so sorry you went through that, i hope youre away from them now 🫂
Definitely saw my mom in the “I’m the victim”/“competition”/“doom” scenarios. Never once did I get a hug and was told everything was going to be alright. Hugs seem so simple to give in theory but are so very hard to give in reality.
Don’t worry, “In the real world” I’ve both given and received tons of hugs from friends/strangers/coworkers you name it.
Not everyone is a hugger obviously but holy crap the “real world” is so much nicer than home was.
I was NEVER EVER hugged or told I was loved. Ever. In fact one incident that occurred when I was 12 pretty much spelled it out for me. We were away on vacation and I had to share a room with my 2 brothers in a small lakeside cabin. My older brother stole my acne medication (hey-I was 14 and I always seemed to be one zit short of a breakdown 😬) I begged my mother to make him give it back. She ignored me completely. I still remember she was standing with her back to me. I burst into tears and said “You dont love me,do you?” No answer. Not a peep. Not a movement on her part. I had my answer. I’m adult now-not a child,so I can say in hindsight her silence was deafening. She proved over and over again throughout my life that I was not worth loving. 🤷♀️
It's seldom when I get hugged, and when I am hugged, it's always about her instead of me. Like, when she has one of her better moods and her overly controlling behavior makes me cry, she practically forces me into a hug because she feels bad that she ruined the good mood. An example of that was yesterday, we went to the beach two days ago and we had a wonderful day. My mom wanted to 'keep up the mood' only to insult my outfit and to start coming up with outfits for me like I'm a barbie doll when I'm fucking 23. So I broke down, and then she was like 'Oh, I did it again, didn't I?" And thus she followed me around the house, asking me for a hug several times until I gave in. Sometimes when I literally tell her 'No, I don't want to," she's like, "Yes, you do." (Consent doesn't exactly exists in my household. My mom's not a pedo, but she certainly leaves me feeling violated aside from the occasional physical violence)
@@inferiorinferno8859 Please try to get her to go to counseling with you. I wish I had insisted my mother go with me but back then I thought *I* was the problem. If only *I* could be better,do better,not be “so sensitive” as she always said when I got upset.
My mother was an iceberg. Had her favorites in family of 8 kids. I was not one apparently
My dad would turn up the TV every time I tried talking to him. I have so many memories of him ignoring me while I tried talk about my life.
I feel you sweetheart ❤
My mother would ignore me too exact the same way. I hope you got over this shit.
Yep, that's my mom to this day and I'm 31
That's my mom
My mom does the same to me and is now the reason I don't even bother trying to talk to her about things that are bothering me and just keep shit to myself. Bc if I do she ignores or brushes off whatever I'm telling her 😅
Such an idiot :( I'm so sorry you had to go through that
Your videos are SO helpful. As a 63 year old mother of grown children that have their own families, I don’t want to be the pain in the ass mother! I was so traumatized from my childhood and didn’t even realize that I would sometimes say and do the wrong things. I am still learning on how to be a better person!
I believe we are all trying to be and do better than what each of us grew up with. The first step is recognising it. ❤
My mom also messed up some stuff with us, but the important thing is she is very loving, always wants the best for us, and was/is NEVER malicious. She always accepted that we were people different from her and fought like hell not to do the abusive shit her mom did to her.
I've seen my narc/histrionic emotionally abusive gramma in action and heard horror stories of grampa drinking the rent money.
My mom is a super-hero who came out of her childhood ONLY as a ball of anxiety who is neurotic about money.
I'm very proud of her, even though her trauma throws up speed bumps upon occasion.
I give you jedi hugs if you want them and hope your kids see the same awesome in you that I see my mom ❤❤❤
This isn't just my parents, this isn't just my family, other relationships, friendships, it's damn near everyone I've ever been in contact with my whole existence. I've heard all these. I can't easily go no contact with the whole planet. I always try to be there for other people and listen.
Same sentiments....the whole world need recovery, and true and sincere worship of the Lord to get slapped with the HUMILITY STICK to be honest an open to correction and change. It's always us - the hard working one that accepts the crap..and when we buck the system, we still can't win, and it's lonely
I have gone no contact with the world. Lol. I can’t stand it anymore and how a lot of people think it is okay to just be cruel.
I mean, I don't like to suggest spirituality but if you feel like the whole world's like that. For me believing and praying to God always helped me. I mean, if you believe in an empathetic, loving and caring God it helps. Then you don't gotta depend on people ya know?
Right? My therapist does #6 all the time but she also validates me at the same time too lol
In my experience, the healthy friends will adjust their response if you point out that they're doing one of these and you wanted/needed them to listen.
Can you make a video about assessing your own toxicity, I’ve been around it my whole life that I’m afraid I’ve developed those traits. I like to think I’m pretty grounded and reasonable but I’d like a personal checklist type of thing.
Agreed! I find myself doing some of the things Patrick has brought up here and I get upset when I do, because that's not the kind of person I want to be. Some tips would be wonderful!
I'm scared of becoming toxic too. I legitimately do the opposite of what I think my mom would do, but somehow I'm still afraid.
@@aeroumasmith I relate SO MUCH! A huge fear of mine is to be like my mother and I constantly overanalyse myself as a person and parent to make sure I’m on the right track… honestly it’s exhausting. It’s a constant fear of failure and when you’re not successful (sometimes we slip up because we’re human, right?) and do something that doesn’t feel right you come down so hard on yourself. At least I do. But we’re doing our best and that’s all we can. You’re strong!
Me too. But I really do believe that wanting to be better and being self-aware is already a huge step in the right direction. Toxic people often thing there's nothing wrong with them.
@Kelly M - great idea.
My parent does this all the time. Last night I caught her doing it. It was SO subtle but so obvious and I realise it doesn’t matter what the scenario is, it’s all about finding a way to devalue me, it doesn’t matter what the facts are in the matter (ie if I’m actually right or wrong). I think it would be good to add a covert abuser respond too (they act really sweet and concerned but are actually undermining and devaluing you)
Sounds like it could be covert Narcissist behaviour. I found Dr Les Carters Surviving Narcissism channel helpful. Finally understood my parents behaviour.
@@sarahstrong7174 yeah it’s cookie cutter covert abuse! Cult leaders and other abusers use the same tactics it’s like they all read the same instruction manual
Facts
Yes my mom is emotionally abusive and I remember I brought it up to her that no matter the situation she is always or almost always choosing their side not mine. Like if I mention a scenario she might be like oh maybe you provoked them and I have to go and basically explain that I did not do that. So now I tend to not mention stuff like that. I think I have fully accepted that just bc she is my mom doesn't mean she will ever be the mom I need and want and no amount of magical thinking or reasoning with her will do anything but waste time and frustrate me. On a good day or best case she will apologize but it's always empty and dismissive with things like I did the best I could, when you have kids you'll understand or everyone's family has something dysfunctional about it. When a person uses the excuse but everyone has done X to justify how they hurt you, believe they will never fully take responsibility for it or ever see it as a problem that needs changing. In their mind the only issue that exists is you being upset by it 😑
Yes! Or the type of response that is basically saying, that's dumb you are so upset by it, you're an amazing person you'll be fine stop worrying about that. Why would you even be upset?!... just get over it, you're great, I'm sure you'll be fine.
Those responses always confused me and left me like wtf I'm dumb for feeling upset but I'm great but also still dumb but apparently smart enough to figure out how to "move on" and be happy and also still great 🤨
being seen, validated & on the "right" side of things could literally mean life or death for some kids in an abusive family, so it is very triggering when we experience that neglect / abandonment / disinterest from others later in life..
holy crap, "I've been telling you this since you were six" actually make me so mad I had to take several breaths to remind myself it's a skit. My ENTIRE 27 years on this earth my father has been saying "I told you this" "I always say this" "nobody listens" . Never ONCE has he validated any of my struggles. I went to him crying one time, a complete break down from having an anxiety attack because I was told I needed to work at another location the next day and I had no idea how to reach and he just told me to go work and then recounted how terrible he had it growing up. I'm so happy people younger than me have your videos to watch so they can work on the issues their parents brought onto them.
I’m terrified to talk to my parents since I was tiny. They just criticise and make me doubt my decisions. I was brave and told my mother I was feeling suicidal and she just replied “We all have our problems.” I’ve been an ‘orphan’ all my life as I’m so scared of them. I’m 40 years old and still terrified.
I understand your feelings totally.
Who else can you talk to who doesn't invalid you?
There is nothing wrong with you, you have parents who have the inability to be parents.
If I didn't have much older siblings, extended family and some friends, who validated my parents were shit I would have topped myself.
That sounds super demoralizing oh man 😢 you deserved (and deserve) care and attention
totally get it ….
I’m 47 and understand the terror, too.
I called my mother when I found out I needed brain surgery. Her response: I hope you don’t expect me to come out there and take care of those kids! Even that moment wasn’t the time I realized I was in a toxic family system. But these role plays really helped.
Holy sh*t ! THAT is cold !!!! I am sad you went through that. I hope your surgery went well ?!
Take care of you.
That's messed up. Long distance hugs bruh.
That seems like a very narcissistic response for a parent to have - I'm so sorry you had to experience that 💔
I feel like that’s exactly something my mom would say, too, if I were in that situation. I’m so sorry. Hugs to you. I hope you are healthy and happy and have the help you need 💕
I had cancer in my 30s and didn't tell my mother for this exact reason.
My mother’s typical response: “You act like you’re the only one who has stress in their life!” Does that fall into more than one of these categories?
Thank you, this was so eye-opening and helpful. 🙏
Yeah did you watch the video? It's the one that made it s suffering competition
Mine says similar stuff. "You don't care about what *I* go through!" Like, honestly, no I don't. Bc when I say that the US government is causing safety issues for me and my loved ones, and that I'm scared they will take away my access to any medical or mental health care forcibly for being myself, you respond by saying that you're "grieving" over me not being the person you expected me to be. Which was never my job to be lol
I vividly remember my parents watching stuff on TV and being like "Ha! So now I hear children can feel sTrESsEd too, they don't even know the half of it, ha! Stressed children, what is this shit" - my abusive narcissistic father who constantly put the family under stress.
Lol same
Oh man, this is the first time I've seen that specific phrase, "What do you want me to do about it?!" in connection with less than healthy parent/child relationship. That was my mother's go-to phrase. I can still hear her voice saying it. I always *felt* like it was hurtful, and I remember being little and saying I just wanted her to listen. She would tell me that I was welcome to talk, but she didn't know what good it would do. And she was always in the middle of some project she was unable to stop for a moment, and of course, if I went on for longer than she cared for, she would invite me to stop and go away. I rarely went to her for emotional anything, but she was all I had. It helps me so much to understand that this may have been more of an inadequacy on her part, rather than an inadequacy on mine. I thought I was just needy, stupid, and in the way.
The most important takeaway from this video for me was that I identified some of my own behaviours in one of these examples. It’s something I can work on now that I have a bit more self awareness about it.
I sincerely commend you for being able to recognize and admit this to yourself.
Same
That’s absolutely amazing! I did that before we decided to homeschool. I decided to get myself together first because I knew it was a huge commitment. I asked her to be open with me about her struggles with school and our relationship as parents. It opened my eyes to how I dropped the ball! I prayed made changes and she’s a happy child now.
@@tamarar.4642 I've been homeschooling my kids for the last four years or so. That probably would have been a great idea for me, to send them to school so I could work on things. As much as it sucks, I might not be able to see my issues if I hadn't stayed the course with homeschooling. Kudos to you for taking care of yourself so can take care of your daughter!!! 🤗🤗🤗
Me too
the healthy parent in these RPs always makes me go *"Oh."*
Yeah I always feel like a noobie anthropologist xD
Right
Also I think it’s worth mentioning that today my 16 year (who is visiting my parents in GA for the summer) called me complaining about work. It’s her first job ever and she’s very disappointed in how it’s going. I’m happy to say that I handled it like a healthy parent. To be a loving and supportive parent is my chief goal in life.
Go mama bear!❤
Wow the “let’s live in doom like me” one got me. I never realised why I got so angry when my mum would respond like this. I felt bad because on the surface I was like “she cares and is worried, why am I filled with so much rage?”. It’s because her responses always left me feeling even more anxious about the situation.
I always got the devils advocate or compared to my sibling. I was always “wrong” or undeserving of compassion, no matter what. I grew up feeling ashamed and unimportant.
Mine is the same . If l say anything about how hard l am finding something she says something like..”there’s a lot of people worse off that’s you”, “you should count yourself lucky, your never happy are you” ..
I'm so tired of this dynamic. I feel like an orphan. I can't rely on these people for anything. I'm at a point where I don't even know what to do anymore.
So sorry for you! I can relate to the not knowing what to do anymore and feeling like an orphan. Don’t know if it helps for someone else to relate, but God help us both to find the way through this mess of our family dynamics. 😢💕
Don't rely on them. They're not reliable.
Myosotis: congrats! You figured it out in your 3rd sentence. It really is tiring, I agree with you. But, you have a self-care task ahead of you now. The need for validation won't go away. What about turning to a friend, or doing some group therapy. Put your energy there, sweetheart, you are worth it.
Sometimes I wish I was an orphan too, that way it would at least make sense why my parents aren't there for me.
@@inferiorinferno8859 so true, I am so sad for you, dear. If it's any comfort, there are lots of us with that same feeling.
My dad wasn't toxic to me (or I didn't think he was) when I was growing up. As I grew older and learned more about the world, I started to see that something was wrong about my dad that his siblings and the rest of his family seems to turn a blind eye on. In family reunions, he is pleasant, but at home, when you give him a different opinion on whatever topic he's focused on, he easily gets pissed, deflects, and throws a temper tantrum. He would want us to validate him, but doesn't have the grace and humility enough to validate even his own children.
I've long wanted to move out of our house, but my finances aren't stable enough yet for me to move out. 💔
Please understand- chronic narcissistic abuse severely damages your ability to make decisions, they zap your energy, often truly mess with your health, sleep, eating, cortisol levels chronically high can damage your brain. Complex ptsd in these cases are real, & it is indeed complex. Just be aware we can stay too stunned to move as we get all our blood sucked dry. Good luck doing what you have to do for your well being. Dr Ramani has a lot of good digestible content on UA-cam on the topic of narcissistic abuse, coercive control, & toxic family systems. Most times an example is about a lover, you can easily see the correlations in other relationships as well. It’s a complicated thing no one fully understands. But after binge watching these videos I was finally able to leave with my last strength. Sending a hug 🤍
You are experiencing the beginning of understanding how the narc father has influenced your life. Keep healing!
Were you able to move away?
This is a hard one for me. My mother “can’t handle” when I need things, it’s always too stressful, too emotional, too much.
She came to visit and I’ve been a single mom to my almost two year old twins for well over a year, I said to her “All I want in the world is to hear you say I’m doing a good job as a mom”. The only response she could give me was “Well, you’re only a year and a half in”. Like a white hot knife through my heart and in to my soul…. All you had to do was repeat it back even if you didn’t mean it, and that was too much to give your daughter.
And that’s also why a horribly abusive narcissist seemed like exactly what I deserved - I’m so horrible my own family doesn’t want me around, of course this guy using me for sex and treating me like trash is exactly how it should be. My ONLY goal in life now is to never make my daughters feel like I felt growing up, because it isn’t fair and I’ve never been able to be happy, really happy, in almost 40 years of life because of the intense self hatred.
Now, dear girl, daughter of some foreign horrible mother (to me), now you go and make a very secret plan to escape this man, so that your adorable twins don't grow up with this energy sapping and abusing man as their closest manly role-model. You must be very secret, no word to anybody. As secret as if you'd planning to excape a concentration camp. No paper or phone-trail.
You need a grab-and-go bag and you need to know where to go with the twins, like to a women's shelter where they know how to keep a secret. I hope you are so fed up that you get the determination to do a flight to a better life. Search for information at a library, so that your plans aren't traceable. Delete this thread from your phone and laptop. Remember that an abusing man is very suspicious, selfish, and full of plans to retaliate.
I hope you remember your worth, and are proud of being a good and loving mother! Be brave but careful - you can do this in secret!
@@DNA350ppm That would be great advice but she's obviously already left him because she calls herself a single mom?
@M M I can tell that you are a great mom and are doing a great job just from what you've said in your comment. It sounds like you are exploring what went on in the past and that will help to understand why you feel the way you do. But sounds like you already know what not to do in regards to mothering. Be easy on yourself. Because if being hard on yourself was going to work then it would've worked by now.
@@whifling Right! I must have misread the description of the situation. My bad! Thank you for helping to clarify the situation.
Don’t give up! Happiness is there for you. I always chose narc relationships too. Not anymore.
To me the style that resonated the most was the one who turned the conversation back to themselves and said how hard they had things at work. Whenever I asked for compassion from my narc father it was always “well at least you don’t have it as bad as I do (or did.)” Also, the gloom and doom “kick you when you’re already down” parent was something I’ve dealt with from him. It leaves you feeling demoralized and unheard.
Yes, ”kick you when you’re already diwn” feels familiar to me.
Ihaven’t met my parents in years. I lived abroad. I came back some months ago because of the job, nit I haven’t met them. Moving and leaving the city that I loved was heavy. I was griefing. Then my mom calls me and asks, when do I come to see them.
I realised that all those yesrs when I visited them and left away crying, because my mom had said something very mean again, or started a fight and blamed me (because she cannot be still and in peace more than two says. She needs drama and creates it!). I wondered, how can she want me to visit them when it is always so heavy and ends badly?
Oh, then I realised: Her experience is not my experience. When I visited her, she had a scapegoat in her hands and of course, when she gets the scapegoat she can feel good about herself. Of course she ”misses” me! Ready to stick me with the sword. Ready rep me down, mock me, invalidate me! Of course, after that she feels herself so clever and wonderful and how I feel does not matter or is just a new reason to laugh at me: Oh, you take it so seriously! You are too (this and that) ...”
I've dealt with my parents... by telling them theyre narcissist aholes and warning them they dont get away with it. I told him I'm gonna take a shit on his grave. I have developed into "the vigilante".
Watching all of the healthy validation ones just seems foreign and fantasy... like no parents are ACTUALLY like that in my head, I can't comprehend there are parents like that in this world.
It almost seems sickly sweet to me. I realize that that's definitely a good way to parent, but a part of me recoiled when I watched the healthy validation one. It's strange, it's like my mind doesn't even want to believe it's possible to have a parent like that.
I grew up with friends who had parents like this. When I witnessed it I felt like their parents were spoiling them and being too easy on them 🤦 I had no idea what emotional support looked like.
These parents are always there, they were the victim of their environment, and they unconsciously passing down the vicious cycle generations after generations, and that's how a culture is form. A lot of them are actually very mediocre and unhappy their whole life, even with money and family, they don't understand why is everything a mess. Is pity and pathetic. Anyone who tells you the importance of a toxic cultural habit, view them bullshits. Culture is the modifications of humanity responding to a fixated environment, that's it. There is nothing holy.
So I was at a friends house watching the Super Bowl and got a little too excited and my friends dad yelled at me. But the shocking thing was he apologized. And I was like why are you apologizing and the next thing I said was I wish you were my parents.
You know...I always knew that my parents weren't the best growing up, especially my dad, but the roleplay scenarios were so REAL for me. I related to at least 1 thing in each unhealthy scenario. It's very encouraging to finally feel validated by SOMEONE, even if it's someone on the internet. Thank you, Patrick, for your videos. You have no idea how much help your videos have given me, and I just found your channel a few days ago.
“There are no free lunches in this world, I’ve been telling you that since you were 6.”
LOL!!!
I heard, “life isn’t fair, Christina, you better wake up”, since I was 6.
All of these happened with my parents. For years they would complain that I'm "so mysterious" and I act like the rest of the family doesn't exist. But it's because they did these things every time I went to them for help. As s child and student I needed guidance and they showed me that I was problematic or my issues did not matter. Validation only came if I did something that made them look good. So I just learned to not seek validation and to work out issues on my own. To this day, if I try to come to them about things, they either make it about them, about my brother, or tell me to go away and stop "hasseling".
Same nobody gave a shit about me until i got out the situation and did better for the family, then they come around acting like they are so important. Im out of the traumatic enviroment and my siblings are safe so the important stuff that nobody wanted to help me deal with is being taken care of. People acted like i didnt exist when i needed the most help. I ignore them now and expect them to ignore me and im more stable than ever.
Wow, this is exactly me. I am still accused of being "so secretive" and my mom till this day is pushing the narrative that "I don't care about family," when in reality my family invalidates my life because I'm not married and I don't have kids. How I live my life doesn't reflect their choices, so my life is nothing compared to my siblings. It's incredibly insane. Distance has only made me stronger and I realized that even from a young age, I was protecting myself. Thank God for therapists and UA-cam.
In Chanel Miller's memoir, she breaks down crying telling her mother about her sexual assault, and her mother leaps forth and hugs her, saying "mommy's not mad mommy's just scared." It sets something in me off every time because my mother would just treat me crying as ME being manipulative. Its like... Why does she get a good mother? Or, there's no way her mother is that good.
I am so sorry about that Brianna! You deserve a loving mother who is there for you no matter what. I really feel what you are saying on a deep level. After I recently told my mother that I was a victim of sexual violence by my neighbor…the first thing she told me was that it wouldn’t have happened had I not opened the door to him. :/ ever since then she has just let me deal with it all on my own…the nightmares…suicidal thoughts and everything. It is devastating to not have a supportive mother. I am so sorry about that.
@@athenasuperheldin1017 Im so sorry to hear that, Athena! You surely deserve to be treated with abundant love, respect, care and compassion! I'm sorry that your mother couldn't give it to you in such a delicate moment!
I just wanted to tell you that HE WAS A PREDATOR and I'm sure he planned it all.
He knew you would open the door, love, he was counting on it... And it's a pain that sometimes people behave as if rape isn't a planned thing, as if all of sudden a rapist would just go like: "oh, i'm having the violence urge and it must be now".
THEY EFFING PLAN EVERYTHING!! Even if they were just doing something else and then suddenly the victim was vulnerable, THEY CALCULATE how safe it is FOR THEM to be criminal - there is at least minimal thinking and planning on it, therefore it could never, ever, ever, EVER be your fault that he did what he did!
You're a survivor and he's a criminal. The only person who could "prevent" the crime was him, cause he chose to do what he did.
@Brianna Gravely My mother did exactly that when I told her that my cousin was sexually abusing me. I was 11 and she replied "I know you are a very good liar and very manipulative".
@@wisecoconut5 that makes me unspeakably angry. What a piece of sh*t. I'm so sorry.
@@athenasuperheldin1017 Oh wow, cr@p. Victim blaming yet again. You definitely do not expect a mother to be like that! I experienced that same thing but with a "friend". I deliberately didn't tell my parents for decades as I never trusted them and I knew they would blame me. I accidentally blurted it out during a recent argument to "prove my point" (silly me). No sympathy, care, only, "why didn't you go to the police?" (they don't give a sh1t and I was scared), "why didn't you tell us" (cause I don't trust you, you blame me, you are aggressive/critical), "what were you wearing?" (irrelevant, f^ck off), "were you drunk" (I suspect I was drugged, so p1ss off). blah blah, even the therapist I went to didn't think it was a big deal (OMFG). F'd up to the max. I get through it by getting angry (healthily though), numb to angry is an improvement. Huge hugs to you. You didn't do anything wrong, your neighbor is the @rsehole, I hope you find your inner strength and the peace you deserve.
My sister who I had to stop seeking support from would ALWAYS say “I’m just being the devil’s advocate” 🙄🙄🙄
I see now that she IS the advocate of the inner demons in my narcissistic mother and other sister.
It’s infuriating trying to explain how this feels. I just had to go no contact with these people bc it was too damaging to keep trying.
I had to go no contact with my siblings. I did not speak with my sister for 3 years and just began emailing. I keep personal stuff to myself. I can hear our parents in her emails when she speaks of certain issues she is going through. I feel bad for her at times, but it is not my duty to heal her.
Wow! I've never heard healthy validation, but I have heard all seven of those invalidating conversations. I finally just stopped sharing anything about myself or my life. Thanks for this role play. It brought into the light what I have been dealing with in the dark.
My dad never takes my side. Everything is always a "learning experience” for ME according to him, but never for himself. He only apologizes for anything he does wrong if there is CONCRETE EVIDENCE of him having messed up, and even then it’s worded like “I’m sorry you felt that way about what I said or did”. My mom on the other hand isn’t toxic but about 60% of the time it’s “I’m busy, can’t talk right now”. Other than that she’s perfectly fine. As for my dad, I barely talk with him anymore. My mom hates that, but she sees nothing wrong with my dad even though she’s somehow pretty good about validating my feelings about him.
I wish I didn't relate to this. Hugs. You're not alone
I didn't see this as one of the 7 types, but one of the things my parents would do is go into "control" mode and tell me exactly what to do instead of listening, validating my feelings, and being open to multiple solutions. If I said I didn't want to do that, they'd spend the rest of the time arguing with me about how I was utterly wrong and so I felt both unheard and shamed at the same time.
Oh yes! That’s soooo annoying. I’m dealing with that from a friend. So egotistical.
I remember one time as a young adult I was going oversees. One day my mom told me I was not going. At that time I was having second thoughts, but when she tried to tell me what to do, it pushed me into leaving anyway.
hearing the "i get no help from anyone, that's the story of my life." OH MY GOD. I'VE HEARD THAT VERBATIM FOR SO LONG. i never tied it to the whole suffering and victim complex thing. i generally don't hear it in combat to when i say my struggles, thank god, but i still just hear that being thrown around in a "woe is me, but look i'm so strong for making my way when no one cared about me" 20x over.
Oddly, I can relate to the "I get no help from anyone" thing. No one really helps me and I have to take care of everything myself. This is one reason I trust no one.
You might end up saying it one day, too, since it seems to be a product of C-PTSD.
what is interesting is that I went no contact with my toxic parents 8 years ago and focused on healing since then. I have definitely improved and am over the grieving period which took me a long time and I felt very isolated since I was grieving alive parents and nobody understands so I had to keep it for myself and shared only with my husband and psychologist (at least). When I tried to share with other people I never felt supported.
But what I wanted to share here is that even if nowadays I feel better and don't really think of my parents during the day, I still feel them as a ghost around me from time to time, as an energy around and I hate it and am not sure what to do with it. I don't feel sad or emotional or do not miss them anymore but there is like a presence of their energy not far from me.
Also, it happens that I come to doubt myself if I was to harsh on them and in that case I watch a video about abusive parents and immediately examples come to mind and it seems so obvious that yes it was right to cut contact. But it is as if my brain wanted to erase the abuse and make them good people or normal people at least. It is strange...
Also 10 years ago when I started therapy, I had really good memory about everything that had happened to me and so many details but nowadays, I'm in my early 40s and all this family history has become foggy somehow, I struggle to recall precise memories out of the blue as I used to and this is a very strange feeling to me. But what I know for sure is that I have spent 10 years healing myself and facing inner issues so when I come to doubt I always remember to trust what I did in therapy and the inner challenges I am still facing cos they are very real.
I was wondering nonetheless if all of this I shared is "normal"? I other people have experienced the same thing or similar things too? thank you!
There should be an example of the panic parent. It’s similar to doom. I felt my parents would react so crazy I learned to avoid the extra stress, just deal with it on my own. I also see how I’ve invalidated my husband at times. I have to get better ❤️
Yeah, my mom is one step past the doom parent in into full-on panic parenting, where she ends up freaking out about or crying and blaming herself for all my problems instead of just letting me talk about things and giving any kind of comfort.
By the end of the conversation I have a whole new checklist of things to be stressed out over and worry about and if I don't do all the things she suggests and report back to her, she'll start checking in for like, progress reports basically saying "have you done the thing yet??? oh god do the thing quickly or else something even worse will happen!"
She's genuinely trying to help but the thing i was originally stressed about gets pushed to the back burner in favour of some new fresh stress and then none of it gets dealt with and it becomes all my fault somehow;
Not only the stressful things in my life, but also the stress I'm causing *her* by not having my life together and "making her worry about me"
I love her, she's doing her best, but she's also a trauma survivor and absolutely no help in these situations
I saw myself a little bit in a couple of them. I've upset my child, and I didn't get it. I'm so happy that he gave the correct validation. I see my errors and I'm going to work on it! ♥️
I couldn't pick out any of the negative types as one I specifically experienced, they each had elements that were present in most of our conversations. But when you showed the healthy form of validation, it gave me second-hand peace because it felt so good just to hear somebody speak like that.
Though I couldn't pick out a negative, there was a distinct lack of the positive, which was refreshing to hear for once in this video.
You might find it usefull to look at Dr Jonice Webbs book 'Running on Empty'.
This helps me. Your helping alot of people. I've been on both sides of needing validation and not having validation to give
Life is tough.
I think I'll try to be the good parent It's helpful information!
If I came to a parent with a concern they told me go away, you talk too much....shoot, it just made me mad
So as an adult I forgoed the " attempts to discuss" as an adult I go to angry first and just kick stuff and yell. I know I know....
I was taught to shut my mouth. You don't say anything to anyone, mind your own business.
I started counseling because i told my mom i thought i needed help. I started counseling in my teens, I was literally verbally attacked when I got home, a total nightmare. That just added to the totally messed up world I was in, oh god!
I have autism and so do my kids.
My mom seemed to always take advantage of me and my vulnerability.
When my autistic 10 year old son passed away, my mom took the opportunity to ask if she can put a jar on her counter for donations at her work to maybe help.
I said sure mom in my grief state.
I found out 2 months after my son's funeral that my mom still had that jar on her counter as witnessed by the other employees that notified me.
I called her at work to confront her. She lied , made excuses and hung up on me , she kept all that money for herself.
I almost sure my mom has narcissistic traits, she lies , steals , manipulates and gets extremely defensive if you even try to mention any of that or try to stick up for yourself 😔
I could never put my finger on why I felt so uncomfortable talking on the phone to one of my parents and you totally hit the nail on the head with the “Lets make it worse for you, live in my doom” parent. Like I was shooting for comfort and validation here, not to totally sprial and feel like I’m stressing THEM out with my problem. Then they wonder why I don’t confide in them anymore.
This video was quite an eye opener. I didn’t realize how often one of my parents would always throw stuff back at me saying “well that’s how life is, you don’t just get everything handed to you”, and “it’s not called work for nothing”, or “work is a four letter word”. I was extremely struggling at work mentally and I resonate with the scenario that gets angry/blows up. I would love to see a video explaining this more, and tips to help calm down once a trigger happens.
When I try to bring something up to my mother about a behavior of someone or something that happened whether it's a family member or friend. Her go to us well everybody's grown everybody can do whatever they want. And it's like that's not the response for this conversation right now. So I know certain things to not talk to her about. I'm very surface with my mother now. I don't talk about anything deep with her because she is not supportive. She was never supportive.
She's always asking me how's married life, how are things with you and your husband? I'm just very surface with her. Everything's great. I have nothing to complain about. Which is really the truth. But if I need help I go to my aunt which is not her sister thank God.
@@tinaf600 I think I have to start being surface too. the invalidation is too much!
@@elliea8868 you have to protect your emotions.
Have a memory of telling my Mother I was Depressed when I was younger and the returned response was “…if you’re depressed that’s your fault”
“My fault 😢”
Words that I know aren’t true but they have never left and I never trusted to speak about anything.
Ended up grossly emotionally dumping to anyone who I thought would listen throughout my life.
I have learned how to process and heal without overstepping boundaries.
Realizing as well, neither of my parents could offer what they didn’t have.
Whoever you are, people out here do care and want to hear what you have experienced. Your Story Does Matter and it’s Not Your Fault.
It's scary to think that my parents are almost 6 out of 7 of these examples. I appreciate you bringing awareness to my childhood abuse. For the longest time I was never valued or validated until I met my fiance and I'm still having issues accepting help or advice expecting the same result of my parents.
What you said about “achiness” really spoke to me. This undefinable “ache” that you feel in your body.
Did he say "ache" or "ick" ? I thought I heard "icky-ness"
Hi Andrew. Could this ache also be called a gnawing no name anxiety. That’s what I feel.
@@desertsage7 I thought it was ick too. Like you've overshared and feel bad about it now
@@BraidedLady feels kinda like a pressure leak that you're desperately trying stop...
This video resonated with me. I feel like an ass now because I realize I dont always validate my adult sister's feelings. I also learned that I avoid or power through because that's what I did in childhood. I laughed when you talked about how you work better on your own than an office environment because I can relate. Last I want to give you a hug of appreciation for all you do to help me/us. Much respect.
My mom could never ever ever sit down and have a conversation with me about things that happened. I mean when I told her some of the terrible things she did when I was dealing with a very traumatic event ( unrelated to family), she slapped across the face. I tried again almost 20 years later and she actually stood up for my abuser. And she stands up for her own abuser! I realize now that, I can’t be around her. She is always always always talking bad about someone. Especially her husband. But the moment we have an issue with her husband, she is his right hand lady.
💯
I was told as a young child, by my father, that the reason that I did not have friends was because I had a bad personality. I didn't realize it until now, but ever since then, I have felt like a deeply broken person.
I spent some time in a mental hospital recently. And when I came out my mom had this conversation with me where she told me that what I did was selfish and she was so devastated. Totally ignoring that I had needs at that time. Lol
Shows she is not healthy! Try hard to stivk close to the truth, there is something called crazy-making, and that is a real thing, and it is always deceptive and full of lies and insinuations. Be analytic and stick to the truth in your mind. Because you were not selfish, they don't allow you in a hospital if you are not in need of it. It seems obvious your mother is not reliable, so don't automatically trust her words. Really: don't do it.
I hate it when people can't stop making everything about themselves and stop steeping in the front of other people feelings, problems and issues
I’m so sorry . That must have been very painful
@@KBArchery thank you 🙏
Even though I resonate with ALL of them growing up, I’m scared to admit that I myself do one or two of these to my loved ones. Right now I feel triggered, like, a veil has been removed from my eyes. I can’t believe I am repeating the same thing that hurts me. These awareness is something I needed right now. Thank you so much Patrick.
Also, there’s a type missing, the one when the person listening to you is stone-face while you’re talking, almost like they are getting distracted in their own minds, without even looking at you, just past you.
My mother in law did this to a lady that was her peer-not to me bc I have never expected anyone to listen to my problems. They don’t disappoint.
It can be upsetting to realize you’ve been hurting people (I know i’m sometimes guilty of being like the people in his roleplays) but I like to reframe it as “well now I know, and I have the chance to not hurt anyone again!”. When I think of it that way, I’m not so hard on myself and I actually get to be _excited_ at the idea of being a better person :)
Wow, great insight! This is very true! I have a friend who often doesn't respond at all! Sometimes I'm not even sure she's on the phone!
I thought he said it…he called it the “blank expression” I believe.
It is unbelievably painful. I’ve said it would be better to talk to a wall than a person with that expression.
Please be gentle to yourself about you repeating some of those things…you weren’t taught how to validate. Now you’re learning and can find ways of healing and implementing new ways!
I wish you healing, peace, and healthy relationships…especially with yourself.💫
I told my mother I was seeing a therapist last year and recently starting antidepressants over messenger and she sent me a thumbs up. that's it. Then a week later she sent me a spotify link. Neither of us has mentioned it since. I went through this exact work scenario and the only person who spoke to me the way the 'healthy' parent did was my therapist and my best friend. I have growing disappointment in my parents.
Sounds exactly like my mother. I’ll be so glad when she’s dead!
Wow I am so sorry they are not more supportive. I’ve always loved the quote
“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”
- Richard Bach
At 28 years old I’ve realized a lot of things and this has definitely been one of them. I’ve had complete strangers be more supportive of me than family. Stay strong and know that there are plenty of people out there that love/care/will support you no matter what.
I’m so proud of my mom. Her mom is like #3 or #4 (oh but look how bad it is for me) and has always been one of the seven. And even though my mom still makes mistakes and is sometimes like #7 (bc she has lots on her plate too) she has managed to turn around and be like the healthy one for me! I’ll be praying for everyone who’s working on this.
Painful to watch these re-enactments. For my mother, everything was about her; no matter how bad someone else had it, she had it worse. Every job I got, she told me I was lucky to have it, every boyfriend - I was lucky to get him. To the end of my life I will never forgive her for siding with my abusive husband, telling me I was exaggerating or over-reacting. I’ve always felt guilty for “bothering” others with my problems, and afterwards always feel ashamed for having done so.
Good video - thank you.
What about changing the topic really quick? Like, if you go to them specifically to get some advice about something you've really been struggling with, they say some generic thing like "oh that sounds hard" and then spends the rest of the call talking about themselves or other aspects of your life that isn't so confronting (it might even be the weather). I guess it's most similar to 6) disorganized attention seeking, except a lot of the time it doesn't feel like they're attention seeking because they're still talking about your life, just parts of your life that they're more comfortable talking about.
Yes, it's a form of distraction. Anything to devalue your concerns and talk about anything else but you. I'm sorry you went through that too.
Maybe they are just not coping well with genuine distress? After all most parents are not trained counsellors. Or maybe they think it is better for you to focus on other things?
That is my Father!
Yeah because our stuff doesn’t matter. My father turns everything into a conversation about him and what he did or does. But then wonders why I don’t call.
yes this is what happens to me! literally just changes the entire subject. I don’t even want to keep trying to talk to this person about anything personal. and I don’t think I should. I just get hurt every time.
The thumbnail jumped out at me as that happened to me just last night. I was telling my mom about an acquaintance I cut off who disrespected me and she went "you *are* too harsh" before I had explained the full context. Completely took the wind from my sails. Even after providing the backstory and she doesn't think I should have stayed in contact, she still said I'm harsh. It's exhausting to be invalidated so much.
My mother fights severe depression and has ADHD. She has as long as I can remember. Despite all of that, she always tried to listen and validate. I struggle with listening well, because I'm a fixer. Thank you for giving me some more things to consider to work on myself.
You're doing great, thank you for trying to be better and help your people in kore ways!
Listening, validation, appreciation, support and encouragement can be amazing things to offer people.
Even though you may not directly fix the actual physical issue at hand, by listening and encouraging you're either (or both):
- fixing people's tools so they can do it (which helps their confidence too!)
- fixing it _with_ them as a team
Also if you have a hard time focusing, maybe you can do something with your hands while listening
@@Marina_7 I need to do something with my hands so I don't unnerve people with my intense focus (I do not know how or why I developed that). But yes, and thank you. I love my people and feel honored when they accept me onto their team.
My mother does several of the unhealthy scenarios.. if I talk to her about issues mostly she just gets angry and tells me she doesn’t know what to say and then brings up how she had it worse.
Well, maybe she did.
@@lunatica9th no she didn’t.. she had 2 loving parents. My father was an abusive alcoholic who abandoned me when I was 7 .. then i had to endure 15 years of dysfunctional stepfather/boyfriends of hers.
@@lunatica9th even if she did... that's not a good way to deal with your CHILD who is going through it right now, she is just invalidating your feelings
@@lunatica9th This video is about how invalidation hurts people. You’re invalidating OP.
@@shizzlemywizzle1 I'm not invalidating anyone. When you don't know, you don't know.
What my parent likes to do is tell me it's all in my head and I'm imagining the problem. Kinda like the 'siding with them,' one except just acting like I'm grossly overreacting. And then change and just talk about themselves. Thank you for this video, it is extremely helpful, also noticing some tendencies in myself when trying to help other people.
I know this is a word that's become overused and kind of a buzzword, but this is exactly the definition of gaslighting where they're telling you that your problems aren't real and that you're making them up.
They said it’s all in your head and you’re imagining the problem? Yikes! That’s gaslighting. It’s a form of abuse and manipulation by making you feel like you’re crazy.
I have the same experience: I am always just ”imaging” when I catch my mom doing something.
YES same, or the classic, "You're so negative!"
"Oh hi mom, I didn't know you made UA-cam videos..."
Thank you for this video, Patrick. Needed this one after an Easter, were I was called selfish, ungrateful and disrespectful/cheeky by my mom (while being helpful, listening and doing very regular conversation).
I am 42, a fully grown adult, compassionate and caring, with good people around me.
There is a reason I live far from my mom and rarely visit her...
7:55 - Explanation of role play scenario
9:40 - The Scenario - The Work Problem (explained)
11:20 - #1 Takes their side (you're the problem)
12:00 - #2 You end up taking care of them. (I"m the real victim)
13:03 - #3 Talks about sibling or someone else (only they matter)
13:55 - #4 What do you want me to do about it? (suffering competition)
14:26 - #5 Let's make it worse for you (live in 'doom' like me)
15:25 -- #6 You're my audience now (disorgnaized attention seeking)
16:50 - #7 Can't right now... busy. (avoidant parenting)
17:23 - What a healthy validation sounds like.
10:30 spooky how even the facial expression of the toxic parent reminds me of my mom :) Patrick really has a gift for acting
That was painful to watch. That look that says, "I'm not taking you seriously. I'm just going to raise my brows like I think you're stupid and and don't empathize with you feeling bad and I'm going to take the side of people who hurt you."
I still remember the time I got into a heated argument with my parents over how I should be writing my resume and cover letters. My mom was practically demanding that I write mine based on my dad's advice despite the fact that we were in completely different fields and that his advice went against everything I had previously been told by career advisors at my university campus and online. My dad was livid at what he viewed as my stubborn defiance of his authority. They would not even consider outside opinions on the matter...it was his way or the highway.
And let's not even get into the many times they dismissed me when I opened up about my depression and their unwitting enforcement of the mental health taboo within Chinese culture.
Does Chinese culture hold mental health issues to be outside reality or just that it is embarrassing and should be hidden?
For me most prominent was number 7 “can’t to busy right now” (avoidant parenting) and I’m an only child.. so I’ve just basically been alone a lot of the time. I was crying out loud before I even noticed I was.
So I never ask for help, the times I do there’s quite a risk of being triggered again or triggering the other person. So a lot of the times I just distract myself from one thing to the next never doing or finishing the task ahead
I hope and trust that you will find help when you need it and that you'll open up to it when you see it, as life will send you teachers and helpers, but do look closely, not everyone is worthy of your trust and confidence, not even your parents automatically. It is very wise not to let yourself be triggered, it is admirable even! Intuition is a great guide, and is learnable, step by step. In a library I pick titles with the help of my intuition, but also take a look at the books that stand close by. 🙂One never knows, in almost every book found like this, there is at least one gem ... Gathering gems in journals has been a great help for me... maybe for you, too?
Number 4 hit home. It is like a struggle competition. My life cannot have struggles because theirs is so terrible.