Wow did I need to hear that!!! I was never good enuf in my mother's eyes, who verbally abused me all my life. Yet I keep trying to seek her validation n please her. I'm 59 now n it's getting worse only becuz Ive been in therapy for years n I learned to speak up where as my younger years I was too afraid to defend myself ... After all that disrespectful in her eyes... I'd get smacked or punished. Anyway while still seeking her approval I also defend myself,. This week was the worse argument ever! I spoke up n vented every emotion n feeling I've stuffed down all my life but I was in rage n now I'm no longer part of our family. In my mind I believe the severity this time was done thru shock n guilt!!! Anyway I feel regretful now but somewhat relieved. I wish I would of seen ur message 4 days ago lol. But everything happens for a reason right. Thank u tho. Ur message is extremely powerful
Sometimes I will get the healthy validation after I was ransacked with the unhealthy invalidation and then they wondered why I wasn't so quick to partake from the festivities of their now somewhat willing validation they finally wanted to give me..🤔🤔😏
The fact that I imagined myself in the situation and said to myself "I would never tell my parents if I have problems at my job" tells everything doesn't it?
Yeah, i haven’t talked to my parents about struggles at school, at my workplace or with friends etc since i was... i don’t know, 10? Cause every time i did my mum would either brush it off or be so aggressive, like “if you have this problem it’s your fault and you have to handle it/omg you are handling it so badly, i can’t with you”.... like, might as well deal with it alone and avoid getting shit from you then
I felt the same way because I know that exact or similar scenario would happen… I keep and kept a lot from them growing up. I’m 29 and still don’t tell them anything because it makes me feel sick when I do. I actually got that same tense gut feeling watching this. I certainly never brought up work, relationship or school issues to them. I would tell my friends about it and they’d be like that’s not normal and try to help. Thank goodness for the internet and kind people IRL. I still struggle, but they at least helped to guide me.
I’ll never forget telling my mom I was being bullied in school, and she told me to just ignore them. That was it. No empathy. No compassion. It was so dismissive. I never went to her with my problems again, and I’ve had a life-long hesitancy to share my feelings and problems with others.
Same! I was being bullied by my 3 sisters actually … and they got the neighborhood kids to bully me too. My mom said ‘well if they call you stupid / fat / ugly etc does that mean you will be?’ Or if they would beat me up she would say ‘that’s how kids are, it’s normal’ or ‘well stop bothering them’ or ‘stay away from them’ . My dad would get very annoyed and disgusted with me if I came to him crying and yell at me to go away. I don’t know how to speak up or defend myself . I often feel like bad things happen to me because I brought it upon myself and I’m helpless to change things. It’s really difficult to know what my feelings are and realize when things are toxic . I often question my perspective and don’t trust myself . I’m in therapy now and I’m feeling a lot of anger . I am 35 but still feel like a young helpless child .
@@PENH5428 I’m so sorry you went through that with your family. I understand how it effects later relationships and undermines self esteem. I know it’s hard but keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for other’s behavior. Therapy has really helped me. I hope it helps you too.
I think my parent's tendencies to never take my side or empathize with me has had a big part in my tendency to hide my stresses and concerns and difficulties opening up. And also a terrible tendency I have to exaggerate when I *do* open up, because I am worried about the other person siding with the other party, even when I know I am right.
Oh man. I exaggerate sometimes too because I’m scared my problem won’t be a big enough deal. My Dad has said to me since I was quite young - toddler age - that I have nothing to cry about, or I’m being dramatic.
Wow, you just perfectly described what I’ve struggled with my entire life. I’ve learned to hide my feelings, even from myself, so when an instance comes up where I actually need to get help and be heard I feel like my reactions are fake and over exaggerated. We will heal and get through this ❤️
I feel the same especially with my Mom since my dad wasn't super present physically. I usually tend to minimize my issues if the person is freaking out or over-reacting. Although my mom had the tendency to over-react or under-react along with some emotional abuse bh. So I notice I tend to minimize my issues if I perceive the other person is over-reacting or even if they under-react and dismiss it. The only times I have later noticed that I displayed my feelings more theatrically is when the other person has hurt me and I need them to take ownership or show remorse and prove o me I'm important. That is typically when if they dismiss it I will then say something like, "you hurt me and made me feel like I'm not important and you don't respect me that's okay I'm sorry I thought you cared. I would never do that that to you and someone who loved me as a person/friend would not do that". Which btw is usually with avoidant types that I've noticed I did this too, since that's the only time my needs will be addressed. I laugh because I realize this was a 2 fold issue growing up, my mom would constantly say I'm being dramatic/ a drama queen or exaggerating my feelings as a way to dismiss me and silence me. I would get upset, think that no one cares and try to keep everything a secret. Of course she's emotionally abusive so she would always try to trick or trap me into thinking it's safe to talk and then something would happen where I'd instantly regret it. But yes there were times I had to over- exaggerate to get my needs met as a child which is ironic since my mom supposedly wanted me to act dramatic, so that was a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy on her end. I will however say as an adult when and if that happens with someone else I will address it and point out how unhealthy that is in our relationship. I mean it's essentially proving to someone you are worthy of being seen and shown care/affection by having to manipulate a situation to get your basic needs met 🥺😭. Please do not date or befriend ppl that exhibit unhealthy bh traits and patterns because the cycle will repeat and you deserve better.
I used to say IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU SHARE IT WITH MY MOTHER, THEN YOU HAVE TWO PROBLEMS: YOUR ORIGINAL PROBLEM PLUS MOM’S REACTION TO IT (which was usually hysteria or some other highly needy childish over the top insane emotion and even crazy behavior). Basically, her response required that I take care of her. I eventually just stopped telling her about difficult things in my life. Which eventually led to no communication with her at all.
Also I see it as she got what she needed , you not interacting with her at all . Sometimes I think they do a repulsive behaviour just to push us away because they cannot deal with too many kids ! My mom had 6 of us . I was always chosen as the one to say no to , but not just no , but a hysterical over the top no . I learned early to stay away from her , or I would get it when she had had enough from her kids that day ! I was always considered last in everything too . I was number 5. An accident and a girl . She treated the 3 boys totally differently than us girls . She loved them . I was a tomboy never identifying with girls at all growing up , as if that would get me off the hook , and she would consider me first . never happened
I know right! That was a real moment for me… I’ve heard other people do the healthy validation talk but to my damaged perceptions it seemed rude… this work is hard💔 💜hugz all💜heal on💜
It IS something I’ve only heard on tv/in movies, the healthy validation. That’s just shameful. It’s utterly shameful. I’m just now realizing I deserved better than that solely due to hearing myself say these things to my daughter knowing and believing the truth of them beyond my bones, I had to begin to ponder why my own words didn’t apply to me.
I remember clearly writing 5 things on notecards that I felt were stumbling blocks as a young teen - weight, driving, dating - things I wanted help with, saw as interconnected issues, and tearfully brought them to my mother for her to help me pick one and help me make progress. She laughed the whole thing off, my earnestness, and I feel like that's sort of set the tenor of our relationship for the next 20 years.
Awww 😔 sounds like maybe she was trying to project shame onto you bc she felt shame for not knowing how to help you.. but you showed a lot of self awareness and courage doing that, and I’m sorry she wasn’t able to be there for you.. Peace and blessings to you on your healing journey💓🕊
Thank you, everyone. This video just brought that moment vividly to mind. I love her, know she loves me, zero doubt. But somehow, it has shut me down throughout my life.. She asks what's wrong and in many moments, when I'm caught in my head, I feel so deeply and so much about the path of my life that I can't answer. And this, she sees as me shutting her out and reacts with anger that I can't supply a comfortable answer in 30 seconds. It is hard to think that telling her it's because she shut me out (on this level of emotions where I operate) a long time ago would bring positive change to our relationship.
My son was killed by a drunk driver. At the time I was taking care of my aging toxic narcissistic mother in her home. I broke down crying one day while making dinner for her. She asked, "what's the matter with you?" I said I was missing my son. She replied," you should be over that by now. He had passed only two weeks prior.
Oh, my goodness how callous. I guess you loved you son so much that you'll never "get over it" and that you wouldn't even want to. You would want and need to for ever love him and cherish and honor his memory, and that is your right and absolutely natural, too. I was so moved when there was a huge sunami and many went missing, and my son reacted by knowing that I would never stop searching for him. I hope you will by and by (years) find a way to "live with" your son till you die, close to you in your heart, you need never to part with him, just to please others. I wouldn't do it. Your heart will only grow due to this tragic death, and there will always be room for him in a central and warm place. Nobody has the right to take that away from you. Next time your mother is that silly and selfish, look her straight in the eyes and tell her calmly and firmly: "Shut up!", turn around and go for a long walk. You are worth it! And stay loving!
I lost my son when he was 6 years old. And you're absolutely right, it's almost our culture, not just individuals, who act like we should all be over it, maybe not in 2 weeks but certainly within a month. The thing you need to know, is that you won't get over it. It. But you will learn to carry it. And when you do, you'll be able to help others carry it too. He's been gone for over 30 years, and certain things can still remind me so deeply of him that tears come to my eyes. Eyes. You will learn to carry it, and that will make you stronger.
@@KeriRojas I'm sure you do help many others to carry their sorrow and the deep love it is based on. Come to think of it - it is very egotistical to demand from a mother that "you should get over it (and direct all your attention and being of service to beof service for me)!" You stayed loving, Keri, and I admire for it. All the best wishes - may you be blessed!
Wow your mom is very sick. She has no empathy. Low or no contact would help you. You deserved a better mom I’m sorry you didn’t have that. You may want to argue that because we can’t see who we love. But this is huge red flag of who your mom has always been. I hope you can let her go & forgive her too. But she is dangerous to you. So toxic again I’m sorry. Your son helped reveal this to you. Those that we love are always with us guiding & helping us. As much as it hurt he revealed her. Sorry for your loss of your son. Now your mom not every loss is a true loss. Especially if they could never be there the way we needed for us or themselves. Take care of you & surround yourself with people who validate your pain. There is no time table for grief. It’s part of the controlling shoulds your mom employs. So she could feel comfortable…. The only time line for grief is simple before & after. You will heal but faster if you can protect yourself from people even your mom. Who don’t truly care if you heal but want you to shut down. So they don’t have to feel bad. Again she is sick not your fault. I hope you set boundaries with her. There are explanations for her behaviors but no excuses. It was a horrible cruel thing she said. I’m sorry you had to hear that while tending to your broken heart. Cry all you want it’s NORMAL. Your normal forget all the negative messages from your mom. She is not normal at all.
My dad used to use similar phrases almost exactly like that. Lol I recently discovered this channel and I swear this guy has been secretly spying on my family. He is so spot on lol.
TAKES THEIR SIDE!! It took me a while to recognize this- but no matter what the situation…people she doesn’t know, strangers…if I tell her anything that happened in my life, she ALWAYS takes their side, and I must have been in the wrong.
ENTITLED LOSER- yep. That’s how I’ve been raised , to feel guilty about everything. I used to walk away when we checked at the grocery store as a young young child, because I couldn’t take how guilty I would feel from the amount of money she had to spend, and there would inevitably be a long diatribe on the way home of how much money it costs to feed me. (No wonder I ended up with a lifelong ED)
My mother too! How Frustrating! A witch woman pulled two of my molars out instead of one( I live in Hawaii, they are full of nasty tricks here😢) and now I can't chew on that side. She still found a way to take her side!! She must know what she's doing... I'm sure there's a reason.. I told the dentist who was the boss, he did nothing. It would be too much like work. Ppl here "look the other way" and play dumb to get out of working too much. And they don't like to"rock the boat". I told her all this and she still took their side!! Ugh! 😢😮 She's crazy I'm learning, though she hides it well to the outside world. Covert narcissist. I love his videos 😊
Lol 😂 yep! My ex, mom, dad, brother, grandmother and so on and so on! I did something wrong to my cousin and apologized but my own aunt tried to get through to my mother and of course she was on my side 😂
You too??? I had an operation when I was 17 and an athlete. They had put me in the pediatric ward bc I was under 18, and the brand new nurse (she cheerfully told me it was her third day, and looking back, I should have sprinted out of there RIGHT THEN), gave me my pre op injection in the top of my thighs. Which you only do for children 2 and under. When I awoke from the operation- which was on my hand- I COULD NOT WALK. It was AGONIZING. The top of my legs, felt like they were immersed in boiling oil. I couldn’t walk for a MONTH. When I told my Dad, who could see that I was in real pain, that I wanted to at least have the nurse disciplined, he told me he couldn’t do that, and I was over reacting, and stop it. The thing was? He was head of the hospital, at that time. He could have done SOMETHING. He blamed me. The pain lessened, but I had to quit soccer- and I was one of the first 3 girls to play on the boys’ varsity team, in the States. The pain came up whenever I exercised strenuously. It finally left- AFTER 30 YEARS. I can’t tell you how validating it is, to finally be able to let go of the shame about this. THANK YOJ PATRICK!
"We would bond through negativity or complaining." My family did this as well and eventually I gave it a name - pissing contest. Basically the goal was who could be the most self-pitying to the point where the discussion stopped.
I call it the [name/problem] hate train. Pissing contest to me is when they're trying to flex the hardest and be the coolest but about things they really shouldn't be proud of
I swear it’s either this with my family or seeing who can take the piss out on someone the best. We call it “shit talk” and it’s basically just roasting someone until they cry. Basically in my family you either have to be the victim or make the victims, there’s no in between
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and autism at 41. When I shared this with my mom, she used one of her go to responses---"everyone suffers. Life is hard because of what's going on these days". I want to break the phone when I talk with her.
I hear you Ruby! My mom is exactly the same, but I think it's a healthy reaction you feel angry and want to break the phone because at least you aren't internalising it all and letting it make you sad and depressed. It doesn't sound like your mom is going to help you much with your ADHD and autism. Try to talk to someone else about it. It might be better. Best wishes, Rosie.
My favorite lines... "You aren't depressed, you just need to quit feeling sorry for yourself." "Quit blaming your bad mood on "depression". You could control it if you wanted to." "Why are you in such a bad mood? Where have I failed as a parent? You are just being a disrespectful bully!" "Oh, you have it soooooooo bad, don't you? You have a nice bed, food to eat, a place to live. We let you join band/chour/ROTC and this is how you treat us?" "Quit using depression as an excuse! You just need to pray harder!"
God is deaf and mute f that dude or thing whatever it is not a fan never was god knows already it knows if it doesn't no harm no foul religion opiate for the masses but never got me no feels I feel blessed yeah ok I feel cursed .
My father has always made the way he sees me very, very clear. Incapable, irresponsible, inefficient, lazy, ungrateful, and over-emotional. Imagining him talking to me the way you showed the healthy validation in this video brought me to tears. I can’t imagine what that would feel like.
I hope you get the experience of getting your own place. Even a cute little lovely peaceful studio. So you can physically take yourself out of that environment. Somehow, “saving myself” took away 50% of the mental negative conversations. Paying my bills and working for my own financial freedom was super scary at first but then in a way I earned my ow trust, respect, self -love. I also got to truly hear my own thoughts and see if they were really mine or placed there by a toxic parents. The relationships within myself and finding a good therapist have completely changed my life. In a couple weeks things got so much better it was amazing. May you feel the same peace and love in one way shape or form. And if you’ve already took yourself out of that negative environment. Congratulations to you brave girl 💜
TW: Self harm. I haven't reached that part of the video, but I cried reading the words you used about how your dad sees you. My parent used those words towards me all the time as a child. I dont remember much about my childhood, but I do clearly remember cutting those words into my thigh, and sorry on my wrist (for not being good enough). The parent now denies ever having said those things to me.
I expect my dad to treat me like stupid shit but not your dad to you. That's really upsetting and it makes me want to explode because why should it ever happen? How hard is it to admit you're a person too and you're no better than your child? How hard is it to be nice to your own child in any supportive way?? Hugs for you. I'm really sorry. Wish I could give you better dad.
It was actually eye-opening to know that it is completely normal and healthy to seek validation 😳 I always thought seeking validation and support is viewed as a weakness and that it is a burden. It makes sense that we humans indeed need validation from each other. I have now a better understanding of why I have such a hard time trusting my mother.
We're abused as young children...of course nobody wants to be bothered with feelings and shames you for being weak. When you don't like something for whatever reason or don't feel well, your feelings just don't matter. No time...
Can you make a video about assessing your own toxicity, I’ve been around it my whole life that I’m afraid I’ve developed those traits. I like to think I’m pretty grounded and reasonable but I’d like a personal checklist type of thing.
Agreed! I find myself doing some of the things Patrick has brought up here and I get upset when I do, because that's not the kind of person I want to be. Some tips would be wonderful!
@@mugiwaerouma I relate SO MUCH! A huge fear of mine is to be like my mother and I constantly overanalyse myself as a person and parent to make sure I’m on the right track… honestly it’s exhausting. It’s a constant fear of failure and when you’re not successful (sometimes we slip up because we’re human, right?) and do something that doesn’t feel right you come down so hard on yourself. At least I do. But we’re doing our best and that’s all we can. You’re strong!
Me too. But I really do believe that wanting to be better and being self-aware is already a huge step in the right direction. Toxic people often thing there's nothing wrong with them.
I have always hated working or going to jobs even when I "liked" the job. Thinking the workplace might represent the family in my subconscious is like a revelation. It was like going from one horrible place to another.
Eh, well a good antidote to that might be having a more mercenary relationship with work. It's not a marriage, you don't know it a deep and emotionally fulfilling commitment. It's a fiduciary relationship, so you just do what you have to do to stay in the job description's lane and move on. It's perfectly fine to not have 'work friends' because once one of you ends up leaving that job, the relationship usually peters out, too.
I hear you. Similar feelings of dread and never being seen, heard, appreciated or cared about (and believe me - I could be lowered maintenance!😜) and always having to be ready to stand up for myself because no one else will and it's a toxic environment of immaturity, everyone for themselves, and constant reactionary anger and blame after the fact versus collaboration, support, prevention and problem solving and growth mindsets. Do everything you can to develop your skills so your essential and can't be cut and can snap your fingers and get a better job with people who you actually want to work with. In the mean time, yeah, be more mercenary like that other commenter said. And absolutely look out for yourself first and prioritize your physical and mental health and self care. Good luck.
I know @lindsay. Work is terrible for me. It's too much like that house I grew up in. I could get yelled at any moment (I have been yelled at in the workplace and just took it. Childhood conditioning) I'm always worried about getting in trouble or blamed for something. I have literally done the work of others due to this. Yet I remain afraid. It's exhausting. I'm not at work one bit to make friends. It's survival to me. But it's a constant worry. My mother would have no idea what she did to me.
My mother usually took the stance of either "it's got to be your fault somehow," or "if you think YOU have problems...." Then she wondered why I stopped coming to her and telling her things.
OMG, your body language mimics how I must look if I'm forced to speak to my biological family! I hang up feeling more depressed and confused than I started just thinking: WHY??? Thank you, you are an amazing person!
Yeah! You don't have to be a public figure to Block somebody. You don't have to be a gangster to Change Your Phone Number. It's not always reclusive to Decline Invitations. 💖🙏😎
Not everyone is in a position to block certain people. While yes, the block button is very useful and I personally use it... it's not something that we should automatically assume is the one answer.
@@reesedaniel5835 Yup! And even if it HAD been available,I’d have gotten an earful for doing it. My mother’s been gone almost 28 years-physically only. I just can’t get her out of my head….😵💫
Definitely saw my mom in the “I’m the victim”/“competition”/“doom” scenarios. Never once did I get a hug and was told everything was going to be alright. Hugs seem so simple to give in theory but are so very hard to give in reality.
Don’t worry, “In the real world” I’ve both given and received tons of hugs from friends/strangers/coworkers you name it. Not everyone is a hugger obviously but holy crap the “real world” is so much nicer than home was.
I was NEVER EVER hugged or told I was loved. Ever. In fact one incident that occurred when I was 12 pretty much spelled it out for me. We were away on vacation and I had to share a room with my 2 brothers in a small lakeside cabin. My older brother stole my acne medication (hey-I was 14 and I always seemed to be one zit short of a breakdown 😬) I begged my mother to make him give it back. She ignored me completely. I still remember she was standing with her back to me. I burst into tears and said “You dont love me,do you?” No answer. Not a peep. Not a movement on her part. I had my answer. I’m adult now-not a child,so I can say in hindsight her silence was deafening. She proved over and over again throughout my life that I was not worth loving. 🤷♀️
It's seldom when I get hugged, and when I am hugged, it's always about her instead of me. Like, when she has one of her better moods and her overly controlling behavior makes me cry, she practically forces me into a hug because she feels bad that she ruined the good mood. An example of that was yesterday, we went to the beach two days ago and we had a wonderful day. My mom wanted to 'keep up the mood' only to insult my outfit and to start coming up with outfits for me like I'm a barbie doll when I'm fucking 23. So I broke down, and then she was like 'Oh, I did it again, didn't I?" And thus she followed me around the house, asking me for a hug several times until I gave in. Sometimes when I literally tell her 'No, I don't want to," she's like, "Yes, you do." (Consent doesn't exactly exists in my household. My mom's not a pedo, but she certainly leaves me feeling violated aside from the occasional physical violence)
@@inferiorinferno8859 Please try to get her to go to counseling with you. I wish I had insisted my mother go with me but back then I thought *I* was the problem. If only *I* could be better,do better,not be “so sensitive” as she always said when I got upset.
My mom is doom and gloom when I bring up something that is bad or good. She is 100% the doom parent you showed. If I call with good news she looks for the flaws or things that can go wrong and turns excitement into anxiety and just hurt that she can’t ever seem genuinely excited for me without casting a huge gray cloud over it.
I have a new project (for years) in my life (at 55 years old 😃🤸♀️💪) and did not share it with my 'parents' (yet). I will not let them ruin it by their... comments. 😉 Rock on, baby! 💃
I think it's also important to think where this kind of reaction comes from with your parents. Sounds like for some reason they have deep seated anxiety. And maybe that stems from their own childhoods and those of their parents and so on. So perhaps a good approach is to recognise that, and it will hopefully help you to move forward instead of getting bogged down in the way your parents treated you. I would call this forgiveness and forgiveness is very powerful.
My parents always said “well what did YOU do”. I was always the problem so I assumed I was always the problem in every relationship I was ever in. It’s only now I realize in most of the relationship I was the most sane person wondering WTF I was doing wrong.
My parents did the same thing. I once saved my 24yo sister from a beating. My dads friend was caught flirting with her. They wanted to know that exact question, “What did she do?” I was 4 yrs old. I remember it like it was yesterday. I’m 73 ys old now.
@@arianaedwards6793 What a sick response to physical abuse! Hope you are out of that relationship and no longer expect validation from the person who asked that awful question
I dated a literal psychopath because of the depression and invalidating hole I was in. Between school at a 5A high school with 4,000+ students, my mom who left us and promised her leaving would make her a better mother, which turned into her even further distancing herself from us, while still living in the same state and school district to take us to school if she happened to ask for us to stay with her and we were guilted into going "because she is your mother, and you're going to regret the time you don't spend with her, it could be fun" Being bullied for my depression and not killing myself like I said to someone who I thought was a friend Trying to figure out after high-school while going through weekly therapy My parents kinda ignoring me for my sister's needs because I was just the "typical asshole teen, that even I was at your age" thanks dad I found this dude who not only attempted my life, but silently r'd me for 2 years in my sleep after I took my muscle relaxers My mom told me that she tried to tell me to leave him, she never did, why do I remember so distinctively because I was practically BEGGING HER to visit me in the psych hospital, when the dudes abuse was too much and I got myself away from him. I finally told her what he was doing to me, and she feels Terrible, but somehow I feel like that's the extent and not how she said she would hurt him, because again she only visited me twice and picked me up upon release and tried siding with the police that I wanted to hurt others, and not just me
@Misiu Maja yesss! "Well if you go to school only in hoodies and jeans no one can see you, you're hiding" So I wear less hoodie, more goodies *padded bras, tighter shirts, shorter shorts during summer, makeup and hair for 3 fucking hours before school so at 3am* and then "You better not have worn that to school, people can see your shoulders, pull your shorts down, who bought that for you?! I need to talk to your dad. Why aren't you wearing your hoodies? I want your curves, God gave you beautiful eyes" *note I told her I'm being bullied because girls were saying I'm fat and ugly with my lazy eye* Then because of the new attention I was a stupid bet for some juniors to see who could sleep with me or another girl first. But it wasn't my thought to be out of hoodies to begin with because they kept my anxiety down and body warm 🙃 I went back to hoodies and was practically left alone. Now it's hard for me to take compliments
same but when I talk about something I'm sure about/know about myself/want for myself (not asking for help or advice, just sharing my thoughts), she immediately talks about how I'm wrong to think or feel that way about myself/something no matter what it is bc she has all these years on me/knows better/her experiences prove what I believe/like/think is wrong regardless of how we are different people/life is different for individual people and despite the fact theres been multiple times where she's responded this way and mislead me/led to me having a harder time bc I didn't just listen to my desires/instincts and listened to her instead. but then when I actually come to her for advice its the whole “I don’t know what to tell you" idk if I'm even expressing this right but wondering if this is invalidating or maybe I'm being too reactive or sensitive?
One type I'd add to this is when the parent minimises the situation/difficult people in a way that you feel stupid that even felt pressured. They often say "you should be stronger" in a way that you are weak otherwise you wouldnt be bothered about that issue. Completely ignoring your emotions.
I know the feeling. I have high functioning autism, and one time I was discriminated by a bartender who was pretty ignorant about the disorder and dragged me out of the karaoke bar when I tried to explain a few things (I hadn't been violent, I hadn't called her names, I had done nothing wrong. In fact, I was obedient and relatively calm the whole time). My mom wasn't present either, but she also took the bartender's side. She's also the type of parent who gets upset when people call us on the spectrum 'retards', when she calls me a retard herself when I don't get something because her explanations to things can be a bit vague. I often like to call my mom Madame Hypocrite.
I got angry watching this. My mum is the one that will constantly see herself as the victim. I’ve gone to her in the past opening up about how I’m feeling really down, and she’s turned it into how my low mood made HER feel bad about herself. My dad is the one who will constantly disregard anything you say to him, tells you to “push through” and “keep looking forwards”…the kind of toxic positivity shit. Im so glad I’m not alone in this. I can see other people in the comments saying similar stuff. Maybe this can explain why I’m so scared to say the wrong thing when someone is vulnerable to me…I know how much it hurts when you’re invalidated. In public, whenever I hear a parent LISTEN to their child and NOT dismiss them, it makes my heart feel whole. Almost like my heart is craving JUST to be listened to. No “buts” or “maybe you should try…”, just LISTENING. Haha. Your videos really help me a lot, so thank you
I relate so much to everything you commented. Literally same. I get so jealous whenever I see a parent in public that actually listens and cares what their child is saying. I know a man who always listens to children. It doesn't matter whose kid it is, what they're doing he always listens and treats them with respect. And just watching those small interactions has helped me so much. I get so jealous when I see that.
Many years ago as a young mother I began noticing how other parents interacted with their children. There were no screaming rages, no parent playing the victim constantly, no hatred and jealousy toward their children. I immediately broke the cycle of the experiences I had growing up. My own home with my boys is quiet and loving, and I intentionally tell them frequently that I am proud of them. I give them choices. I give them the childhood I wish I had been given.
My mum does that as well, when she sees me being sad etc (and obviously when it happens she doesn’t know the reason since we don’t communicate) she gets angry and tells me to stop cause i’m ruining her day, or she makes me feel guilty cause “i’ve been working all day and when i come home you act like this? Maybe tomorrow i should just stay at work ah” as if i’m doing it on purpose to piss her off...
My mom gets so hurt and confused on why I can’t say “I love you” or give her a hug as an adult. It feels uncomfortable and unsafe. This isn’t what I wanted nor am I being petty- A huge wall just grew over time.
Wow I totally felt this and I agree. My whole life I’ve always wondered what it would be like having a good/decent mother/daughter relationship like “society” has made it seem. Sadly my mother has done the worst imaginable things and said things my worst enemy wouldn’t. But these videos have helped me TONS!
Told my mom I felt a lot of anger and resentment towards them, and she replied with” you might need to take some vitamins, you might be deficient somewhere the reason for your bad mood” 🥲 Like, tell me you’re an emotionally neglectful parent without telling me you’re emotionally neglectful🙂
If my child told me that I'd immediately ask why so I can apologize and make amends. Even if it was something out of my control. So many parents think they gotta cover up and lie to gain respect. I've learned it's better to be vulnerable and honest. Cover ups and lies ruined my life. It sucks to be vulnerable but my faith helps me with that.
While being mercilessly bullied at high school , my mom would say “you just must have done something to upset these girls? this doesn’t happen for no reason”. I was utterly desperate…
I'm so, SO sorry you had to deal with that. It's absolutely dismissive & uncalled for on her part. When I was 8 or so, I had a "friend" come to my door & ask if I could come out & play~ we ran down the street, I was so happy she finally asked me to hang out & play. At the end of the block, another "friend" was hiding behind a big pine tree with a bag of shaving cream ... When I turned the corner she smeared my face w it. Menthol shaving cream ta boot. My eyes were burning so badly I couldn't see. I ran home to tell my mom, we marched to their house to confront them only to have my mom take their side, comforting & consoling, her arms around hugging them while I trailed several steps behind the 3 of them... I was absolutely devastated that my mom chose to NOT protect me. Catering to those 2 ... Saying to me: *they have a story too, Sher* I'll never forget that day.
It happens to the children of narcs a lot, I suspect, because the bullies (fledgling narcs--don't yell at me you can't diagnose kids IDC) can SMELL that conditioning on you almost? So they target you. I bet you had a string of narc love interests, too. They prepare you for their own kind and then throw you out into the world to laugh at the carnage.
The parent that responds with everything being no big deal and it'll all work out. Basically dismissive - no matter how big of a problem it is. The opposite of the doom response.
My mom would respond this way. After every time I tried to express that I was upset about something, it was "Count your blessings," and "God has a plan," etc. But looking for silver linings never fixed the deep well of despair I was feeling, because I was undiagnosed bipolar. But it took until near total collapse my senior year of college to get help for it, because I kept trying to power through, thinking it was somehow my fault for not being able to "positive-spin" my way out of it. (My father was hit-or-miss for commiseration, often too overwhelmed with his own bipolar/trauma to deal with mine or my siblings, or avoid taking it out on us.) All that to say, I agree with you, and understand. It's still dismissive and hurtful, even when it's coming from optimism instead of "doom." Wishing you healing.
“Entitled loser” parents pretty much made me so afraid of living that I developed full blown severe social phobia, anxiety, and a 20 year long maladaptive daydreaming habit tipped off with a dash of alcoholism and substance use.
My mother is the QUEEN of being the bigger victim, making comparisons to my sibling and redirecting the conversation for disorganized attention seeking. If I ever brought an issue to her attention (which I never do), she’d either tell her own victim story, talk about my sister’s issues or bring up a random movie, tv show or book and completely redirect the conversation. I’ve concluded that my mother hates for the spotlight to be on me in any way. Im exhausted with competing with my mother.
I just had a thought in my Will I should leave all my awards I've ever recieved from my career, my university graduation diplomas to my mother because I bet she does not know about them.I invited her when I graduated university she never came.what a life.I should actually write her s letter to say oh I changed my Will to rather not leave you money but rather my achievements that you can hang them on the wall.The thing that really gets yo me is the fact that she does not want to acknowledge my achievements but wants my money
I’m terrified to talk to my parents since I was tiny. They just criticise and make me doubt my decisions. I was brave and told my mother I was feeling suicidal and she just replied “We all have our problems.” I’ve been an ‘orphan’ all my life as I’m so scared of them. I’m 40 years old and still terrified.
Who else can you talk to who doesn't invalid you? There is nothing wrong with you, you have parents who have the inability to be parents. If I didn't have much older siblings, extended family and some friends, who validated my parents were shit I would have topped myself.
My parent does this all the time. Last night I caught her doing it. It was SO subtle but so obvious and I realise it doesn’t matter what the scenario is, it’s all about finding a way to devalue me, it doesn’t matter what the facts are in the matter (ie if I’m actually right or wrong). I think it would be good to add a covert abuser respond too (they act really sweet and concerned but are actually undermining and devaluing you)
Sounds like it could be covert Narcissist behaviour. I found Dr Les Carters Surviving Narcissism channel helpful. Finally understood my parents behaviour.
@@sarahstrong7174 yeah it’s cookie cutter covert abuse! Cult leaders and other abusers use the same tactics it’s like they all read the same instruction manual
Yes my mom is emotionally abusive and I remember I brought it up to her that no matter the situation she is always or almost always choosing their side not mine. Like if I mention a scenario she might be like oh maybe you provoked them and I have to go and basically explain that I did not do that. So now I tend to not mention stuff like that. I think I have fully accepted that just bc she is my mom doesn't mean she will ever be the mom I need and want and no amount of magical thinking or reasoning with her will do anything but waste time and frustrate me. On a good day or best case she will apologize but it's always empty and dismissive with things like I did the best I could, when you have kids you'll understand or everyone's family has something dysfunctional about it. When a person uses the excuse but everyone has done X to justify how they hurt you, believe they will never fully take responsibility for it or ever see it as a problem that needs changing. In their mind the only issue that exists is you being upset by it 😑
Yes! Or the type of response that is basically saying, that's dumb you are so upset by it, you're an amazing person you'll be fine stop worrying about that. Why would you even be upset?!... just get over it, you're great, I'm sure you'll be fine. Those responses always confused me and left me like wtf I'm dumb for feeling upset but I'm great but also still dumb but apparently smart enough to figure out how to "move on" and be happy and also still great 🤨
My mother started accusing me of gaslighting when I brought up genuine emotional issues 😂 there wasn't even an accusation in there! I was just explaining my emotional state! I swear I felt so disrespected, that I finally made the call to become an orphan.
The most important takeaway from this video for me was that I identified some of my own behaviours in one of these examples. It’s something I can work on now that I have a bit more self awareness about it.
That’s absolutely amazing! I did that before we decided to homeschool. I decided to get myself together first because I knew it was a huge commitment. I asked her to be open with me about her struggles with school and our relationship as parents. It opened my eyes to how I dropped the ball! I prayed made changes and she’s a happy child now.
@@Laswm4950 I've been homeschooling my kids for the last four years or so. That probably would have been a great idea for me, to send them to school so I could work on things. As much as it sucks, I might not be able to see my issues if I hadn't stayed the course with homeschooling. Kudos to you for taking care of yourself so can take care of your daughter!!! 🤗🤗🤗
That’s a really good idea. I really struggle to not raise my voice or yell when I get talked over.. not to mention my family putting words in my mouth.. Or when they purposely misunderstand me. 😅
Same! Huge trigger that my narc parents and grandma love to use against me to make it all my fault and guilt trip me about it to no end. Instead of acknowledging why I’m angry in the first place, it becomes irrelevant to them as soon as I give in to expressing any emotion. They provoke me on purpose anytime I say something they don’t like by stonewalling & not letting me finish one sentence. I had the patience of a saint I swear lol the last time my grandma did this, I let her stop me from speaking at least 10 times before i lost it. Then she smirked and said “oh wow look at how emotional you are.” I was so excited to try the grey rock method during new years dinner with my mom & grandma (before I realized my grandmother is an even worse narc than my mom). I recorded the whole thing just to be safe since my mom always denies things she said or did and I’m donzoo with letting her get away with it. The ruminating is rough from that dinner, it was insane how the tables got turned on me when I did and said literally nothing wrong. So many malicious assumptions and judgements about everything. My dad is an even worse narc than them. So wish me luck on this no contact, eventually maybe gray rock thing! Boy oh boy
Every holiday get together I was the one screaming at my dad. It was so painful being in his presence. Little did I know that my mom was just as hateful, she hid it well.
This hits me hard. I talk to my parents in a mild and calm manner but they don't give a single fck on what I say. When I increase the volume of my voice they think that I'm being disrespectful to them. I end up not talking to them. It's so frustrating that I end up doing this to others.
Avoidant. My parents hate problems. When I stated setting boundaries and it became uncomfortable for them, my mom said to me „they worry about the deteriorating relationship between us because they don’t know what to tell their friends“.
I called my mother when I found out I needed brain surgery. Her response: I hope you don’t expect me to come out there and take care of those kids! Even that moment wasn’t the time I realized I was in a toxic family system. But these role plays really helped.
I feel like that’s exactly something my mom would say, too, if I were in that situation. I’m so sorry. Hugs to you. I hope you are healthy and happy and have the help you need 💕
To me the style that resonated the most was the one who turned the conversation back to themselves and said how hard they had things at work. Whenever I asked for compassion from my narc father it was always “well at least you don’t have it as bad as I do (or did.)” Also, the gloom and doom “kick you when you’re already down” parent was something I’ve dealt with from him. It leaves you feeling demoralized and unheard.
Yes, ”kick you when you’re already diwn” feels familiar to me. Ihaven’t met my parents in years. I lived abroad. I came back some months ago because of the job, nit I haven’t met them. Moving and leaving the city that I loved was heavy. I was griefing. Then my mom calls me and asks, when do I come to see them. I realised that all those yesrs when I visited them and left away crying, because my mom had said something very mean again, or started a fight and blamed me (because she cannot be still and in peace more than two says. She needs drama and creates it!). I wondered, how can she want me to visit them when it is always so heavy and ends badly? Oh, then I realised: Her experience is not my experience. When I visited her, she had a scapegoat in her hands and of course, when she gets the scapegoat she can feel good about herself. Of course she ”misses” me! Ready to stick me with the sword. Ready rep me down, mock me, invalidate me! Of course, after that she feels herself so clever and wonderful and how I feel does not matter or is just a new reason to laugh at me: Oh, you take it so seriously! You are too (this and that) ...”
I've dealt with my parents... by telling them theyre narcissist aholes and warning them they dont get away with it. I told him I'm gonna take a shit on his grave. I have developed into "the vigilante".
I always got the devils advocate or compared to my sibling. I was always “wrong” or undeserving of compassion, no matter what. I grew up feeling ashamed and unimportant.
Mine is the same . If l say anything about how hard l am finding something she says something like..”there’s a lot of people worse off that’s you”, “you should count yourself lucky, your never happy are you” ..
Your videos are SO helpful. As a 63 year old mother of grown children that have their own families, I don’t want to be the pain in the ass mother! I was so traumatized from my childhood and didn’t even realize that I would sometimes say and do the wrong things. I am still learning on how to be a better person!
My mom also messed up some stuff with us, but the important thing is she is very loving, always wants the best for us, and was/is NEVER malicious. She always accepted that we were people different from her and fought like hell not to do the abusive shit her mom did to her. I've seen my narc/histrionic emotionally abusive gramma in action and heard horror stories of grampa drinking the rent money. My mom is a super-hero who came out of her childhood ONLY as a ball of anxiety who is neurotic about money. I'm very proud of her, even though her trauma throws up speed bumps upon occasion. I give you jedi hugs if you want them and hope your kids see the same awesome in you that I see my mom ❤❤❤
All of these happened with my parents. For years they would complain that I'm "so mysterious" and I act like the rest of the family doesn't exist. But it's because they did these things every time I went to them for help. As s child and student I needed guidance and they showed me that I was problematic or my issues did not matter. Validation only came if I did something that made them look good. So I just learned to not seek validation and to work out issues on my own. To this day, if I try to come to them about things, they either make it about them, about my brother, or tell me to go away and stop "hasseling".
Same nobody gave a shit about me until i got out the situation and did better for the family, then they come around acting like they are so important. Im out of the traumatic enviroment and my siblings are safe so the important stuff that nobody wanted to help me deal with is being taken care of. People acted like i didnt exist when i needed the most help. I ignore them now and expect them to ignore me and im more stable than ever.
Wow, this is exactly me. I am still accused of being "so secretive" and my mom till this day is pushing the narrative that "I don't care about family," when in reality my family invalidates my life because I'm not married and I don't have kids. How I live my life doesn't reflect their choices, so my life is nothing compared to my siblings. It's incredibly insane. Distance has only made me stronger and I realized that even from a young age, I was protecting myself. Thank God for therapists and UA-cam.
There should be an example of the panic parent. It’s similar to doom. I felt my parents would react so crazy I learned to avoid the extra stress, just deal with it on my own. I also see how I’ve invalidated my husband at times. I have to get better ❤️
Yeah, my mom is one step past the doom parent in into full-on panic parenting, where she ends up freaking out about or crying and blaming herself for all my problems instead of just letting me talk about things and giving any kind of comfort. By the end of the conversation I have a whole new checklist of things to be stressed out over and worry about and if I don't do all the things she suggests and report back to her, she'll start checking in for like, progress reports basically saying "have you done the thing yet??? oh god do the thing quickly or else something even worse will happen!" She's genuinely trying to help but the thing i was originally stressed about gets pushed to the back burner in favour of some new fresh stress and then none of it gets dealt with and it becomes all my fault somehow; Not only the stressful things in my life, but also the stress I'm causing *her* by not having my life together and "making her worry about me" I love her, she's doing her best, but she's also a trauma survivor and absolutely no help in these situations
I saw myself a little bit in a couple of them. I've upset my child, and I didn't get it. I'm so happy that he gave the correct validation. I see my errors and I'm going to work on it! ♥️
This isn't just my parents, this isn't just my family, other relationships, friendships, it's damn near everyone I've ever been in contact with my whole existence. I've heard all these. I can't easily go no contact with the whole planet. I always try to be there for other people and listen.
Same sentiments....the whole world need recovery, and true and sincere worship of the Lord to get slapped with the HUMILITY STICK to be honest an open to correction and change. It's always us - the hard working one that accepts the crap..and when we buck the system, we still can't win, and it's lonely
I mean, I don't like to suggest spirituality but if you feel like the whole world's like that. For me believing and praying to God always helped me. I mean, if you believe in an empathetic, loving and caring God it helps. Then you don't gotta depend on people ya know?
In my experience, the healthy friends will adjust their response if you point out that they're doing one of these and you wanted/needed them to listen.
I'm so tired of this dynamic. I feel like an orphan. I can't rely on these people for anything. I'm at a point where I don't even know what to do anymore.
So sorry for you! I can relate to the not knowing what to do anymore and feeling like an orphan. Don’t know if it helps for someone else to relate, but God help us both to find the way through this mess of our family dynamics. 😢💕
Myosotis: congrats! You figured it out in your 3rd sentence. It really is tiring, I agree with you. But, you have a self-care task ahead of you now. The need for validation won't go away. What about turning to a friend, or doing some group therapy. Put your energy there, sweetheart, you are worth it.
I could never put my finger on why I felt so uncomfortable talking on the phone to one of my parents and you totally hit the nail on the head with the “Lets make it worse for you, live in my doom” parent. Like I was shooting for comfort and validation here, not to totally sprial and feel like I’m stressing THEM out with my problem. Then they wonder why I don’t confide in them anymore.
Having immigrant parents always be dismissive and invalidating towards my feelings has always been very difficult for me to open up emotionally to anyone because they would always say that "their lives were much harder where they came from and that I should be grateful I was born in the USA" so I "have no right to complain" etc. Their guilt tripping didn't help at all. It's as if somehow everything bad that happens to me is my fault simply for being born in a different country under different circumstances.
I'm third generation American, so it's not just immigrant parents. It's ingrained. I partly see what they are saying though but it's not "America"...it's the damn addiction to technology we have in 'developed' countries. Don't feel bad, the gaslighting is not just in your family. And you can always tell them "you should have not moved here then! YOU set ME up"...but that's not correct. Just take the blessings of being here, give thanks and be and do better
1st Gen here and I agree. My parents and grandmother dealt with "real" problems, life and death situations so I understood from a young age that they'd never understand me or my feelings so I could never go to them for support or validation. I became that overly needy friend as a teen but suffered so many serious abusive situations that my "normal" friends would be shocked into silence when I'd open up to them. Now, 30 years later, I'm slowly starting to deal with so many long-buried situations that I'm finally ready to tackle. Watching videos like this help me to see what healthy vs unhealthy looks like and has been quite eye-opening for me. Thank you.
My dad never takes my side. Everything is always a "learning experience” for ME according to him, but never for himself. He only apologizes for anything he does wrong if there is CONCRETE EVIDENCE of him having messed up, and even then it’s worded like “I’m sorry you felt that way about what I said or did”. My mom on the other hand isn’t toxic but about 60% of the time it’s “I’m busy, can’t talk right now”. Other than that she’s perfectly fine. As for my dad, I barely talk with him anymore. My mom hates that, but she sees nothing wrong with my dad even though she’s somehow pretty good about validating my feelings about him.
I couldn't pick out any of the negative types as one I specifically experienced, they each had elements that were present in most of our conversations. But when you showed the healthy form of validation, it gave me second-hand peace because it felt so good just to hear somebody speak like that. Though I couldn't pick out a negative, there was a distinct lack of the positive, which was refreshing to hear for once in this video.
You know...I always knew that my parents weren't the best growing up, especially my dad, but the roleplay scenarios were so REAL for me. I related to at least 1 thing in each unhealthy scenario. It's very encouraging to finally feel validated by SOMEONE, even if it's someone on the internet. Thank you, Patrick, for your videos. You have no idea how much help your videos have given me, and I just found your channel a few days ago.
holy crap, "I've been telling you this since you were six" actually make me so mad I had to take several breaths to remind myself it's a skit. My ENTIRE 27 years on this earth my father has been saying "I told you this" "I always say this" "nobody listens" . Never ONCE has he validated any of my struggles. I went to him crying one time, a complete break down from having an anxiety attack because I was told I needed to work at another location the next day and I had no idea how to reach and he just told me to go work and then recounted how terrible he had it growing up. I'm so happy people younger than me have your videos to watch so they can work on the issues their parents brought onto them.
My mother’s typical response: “You act like you’re the only one who has stress in their life!” Does that fall into more than one of these categories? Thank you, this was so eye-opening and helpful. 🙏
Mine says similar stuff. "You don't care about what *I* go through!" Like, honestly, no I don't. Bc when I say that the US government is causing safety issues for me and my loved ones, and that I'm scared they will take away my access to any medical or mental health care forcibly for being myself, you respond by saying that you're "grieving" over me not being the person you expected me to be. Which was never my job to be lol
I vividly remember my parents watching stuff on TV and being like "Ha! So now I hear children can feel sTrESsEd too, they don't even know the half of it, ha! Stressed children, what is this shit" - my abusive narcissistic father who constantly put the family under stress.
Oh man, this is the first time I've seen that specific phrase, "What do you want me to do about it?!" in connection with less than healthy parent/child relationship. That was my mother's go-to phrase. I can still hear her voice saying it. I always *felt* like it was hurtful, and I remember being little and saying I just wanted her to listen. She would tell me that I was welcome to talk, but she didn't know what good it would do. And she was always in the middle of some project she was unable to stop for a moment, and of course, if I went on for longer than she cared for, she would invite me to stop and go away. I rarely went to her for emotional anything, but she was all I had. It helps me so much to understand that this may have been more of an inadequacy on her part, rather than an inadequacy on mine. I thought I was just needy, stupid, and in the way.
Painful to watch these re-enactments. For my mother, everything was about her; no matter how bad someone else had it, she had it worse. Every job I got, she told me I was lucky to have it, every boyfriend - I was lucky to get him. To the end of my life I will never forgive her for siding with my abusive husband, telling me I was exaggerating or over-reacting. I’ve always felt guilty for “bothering” others with my problems, and afterwards always feel ashamed for having done so. Good video - thank you.
This video was quite an eye opener. I didn’t realize how often one of my parents would always throw stuff back at me saying “well that’s how life is, you don’t just get everything handed to you”, and “it’s not called work for nothing”, or “work is a four letter word”. I was extremely struggling at work mentally and I resonate with the scenario that gets angry/blows up. I would love to see a video explaining this more, and tips to help calm down once a trigger happens.
When I try to bring something up to my mother about a behavior of someone or something that happened whether it's a family member or friend. Her go to us well everybody's grown everybody can do whatever they want. And it's like that's not the response for this conversation right now. So I know certain things to not talk to her about. I'm very surface with my mother now. I don't talk about anything deep with her because she is not supportive. She was never supportive. She's always asking me how's married life, how are things with you and your husband? I'm just very surface with her. Everything's great. I have nothing to complain about. Which is really the truth. But if I need help I go to my aunt which is not her sister thank God.
being seen, validated & on the "right" side of things could literally mean life or death for some kids in an abusive family, so it is very triggering when we experience that neglect / abandonment / disinterest from others later in life..
In Chanel Miller's memoir, she breaks down crying telling her mother about her sexual assault, and her mother leaps forth and hugs her, saying "mommy's not mad mommy's just scared." It sets something in me off every time because my mother would just treat me crying as ME being manipulative. Its like... Why does she get a good mother? Or, there's no way her mother is that good.
I am so sorry about that Brianna! You deserve a loving mother who is there for you no matter what. I really feel what you are saying on a deep level. After I recently told my mother that I was a victim of sexual violence by my neighbor…the first thing she told me was that it wouldn’t have happened had I not opened the door to him. :/ ever since then she has just let me deal with it all on my own…the nightmares…suicidal thoughts and everything. It is devastating to not have a supportive mother. I am so sorry about that.
@@athenasuperheldin1017 Im so sorry to hear that, Athena! You surely deserve to be treated with abundant love, respect, care and compassion! I'm sorry that your mother couldn't give it to you in such a delicate moment! I just wanted to tell you that HE WAS A PREDATOR and I'm sure he planned it all. He knew you would open the door, love, he was counting on it... And it's a pain that sometimes people behave as if rape isn't a planned thing, as if all of sudden a rapist would just go like: "oh, i'm having the violence urge and it must be now". THEY EFFING PLAN EVERYTHING!! Even if they were just doing something else and then suddenly the victim was vulnerable, THEY CALCULATE how safe it is FOR THEM to be criminal - there is at least minimal thinking and planning on it, therefore it could never, ever, ever, EVER be your fault that he did what he did! You're a survivor and he's a criminal. The only person who could "prevent" the crime was him, cause he chose to do what he did.
@Brianna Gravely My mother did exactly that when I told her that my cousin was sexually abusing me. I was 11 and she replied "I know you are a very good liar and very manipulative".
Also I think it’s worth mentioning that today my 16 year (who is visiting my parents in GA for the summer) called me complaining about work. It’s her first job ever and she’s very disappointed in how it’s going. I’m happy to say that I handled it like a healthy parent. To be a loving and supportive parent is my chief goal in life.
What about changing the topic really quick? Like, if you go to them specifically to get some advice about something you've really been struggling with, they say some generic thing like "oh that sounds hard" and then spends the rest of the call talking about themselves or other aspects of your life that isn't so confronting (it might even be the weather). I guess it's most similar to 6) disorganized attention seeking, except a lot of the time it doesn't feel like they're attention seeking because they're still talking about your life, just parts of your life that they're more comfortable talking about.
Maybe they are just not coping well with genuine distress? After all most parents are not trained counsellors. Or maybe they think it is better for you to focus on other things?
Yeah because our stuff doesn’t matter. My father turns everything into a conversation about him and what he did or does. But then wonders why I don’t call.
yes this is what happens to me! literally just changes the entire subject. I don’t even want to keep trying to talk to this person about anything personal. and I don’t think I should. I just get hurt every time.
Even though I resonate with ALL of them growing up, I’m scared to admit that I myself do one or two of these to my loved ones. Right now I feel triggered, like, a veil has been removed from my eyes. I can’t believe I am repeating the same thing that hurts me. These awareness is something I needed right now. Thank you so much Patrick. Also, there’s a type missing, the one when the person listening to you is stone-face while you’re talking, almost like they are getting distracted in their own minds, without even looking at you, just past you.
It can be upsetting to realize you’ve been hurting people (I know i’m sometimes guilty of being like the people in his roleplays) but I like to reframe it as “well now I know, and I have the chance to not hurt anyone again!”. When I think of it that way, I’m not so hard on myself and I actually get to be _excited_ at the idea of being a better person :)
I thought he said it…he called it the “blank expression” I believe. It is unbelievably painful. I’ve said it would be better to talk to a wall than a person with that expression. Please be gentle to yourself about you repeating some of those things…you weren’t taught how to validate. Now you’re learning and can find ways of healing and implementing new ways! I wish you healing, peace, and healthy relationships…especially with yourself.💫
hearing the "i get no help from anyone, that's the story of my life." OH MY GOD. I'VE HEARD THAT VERBATIM FOR SO LONG. i never tied it to the whole suffering and victim complex thing. i generally don't hear it in combat to when i say my struggles, thank god, but i still just hear that being thrown around in a "woe is me, but look i'm so strong for making my way when no one cared about me" 20x over.
Oddly, I can relate to the "I get no help from anyone" thing. No one really helps me and I have to take care of everything myself. This is one reason I trust no one. You might end up saying it one day, too, since it seems to be a product of C-PTSD.
This video resonated with me. I feel like an ass now because I realize I dont always validate my adult sister's feelings. I also learned that I avoid or power through because that's what I did in childhood. I laughed when you talked about how you work better on your own than an office environment because I can relate. Last I want to give you a hug of appreciation for all you do to help me/us. Much respect.
I spent some time in a mental hospital recently. And when I came out my mom had this conversation with me where she told me that what I did was selfish and she was so devastated. Totally ignoring that I had needs at that time. Lol
Shows she is not healthy! Try hard to stivk close to the truth, there is something called crazy-making, and that is a real thing, and it is always deceptive and full of lies and insinuations. Be analytic and stick to the truth in your mind. Because you were not selfish, they don't allow you in a hospital if you are not in need of it. It seems obvious your mother is not reliable, so don't automatically trust her words. Really: don't do it.
Wow the “let’s live in doom like me” one got me. I never realised why I got so angry when my mum would respond like this. I felt bad because on the surface I was like “she cares and is worried, why am I filled with so much rage?”. It’s because her responses always left me feeling even more anxious about the situation.
That was painful to watch. That look that says, "I'm not taking you seriously. I'm just going to raise my brows like I think you're stupid and and don't empathize with you feeling bad and I'm going to take the side of people who hurt you."
I didn't see this as one of the 7 types, but one of the things my parents would do is go into "control" mode and tell me exactly what to do instead of listening, validating my feelings, and being open to multiple solutions. If I said I didn't want to do that, they'd spend the rest of the time arguing with me about how I was utterly wrong and so I felt both unheard and shamed at the same time.
I remember one time as a young adult I was going oversees. One day my mom told me I was not going. At that time I was having second thoughts, but when she tried to tell me what to do, it pushed me into leaving anyway.
My parents were so busy with their own issues, messed up marriage, dad's affairs, messed up finances, my mom's depression that I knew they didn't have the capacity to deal with my issues. I grew up priding myself on needing little to no validation. Well, I think I suppressed my need for validation even though deep down I was desperate for it. I learnt to pretend I did not need it and I shamed people who showed that they needed it by labelling as weak in my head.
It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it? Realizing what my mom did wrong makes me realize what I am now doing wrong because of it. I'm glad I never had kids, because I'd have screwed them up just as bad.
I'm not sure which one my mother was. She was not good at just being present. She would immediately go to trying to fix or solve the situation often from a place of having an extreme aversion to my discomfort or unhappiness and taking the emotion on as her own (and having very little distress tolerance herself). Interestingly enough, the immediate attempts at trying to fix or solve the situation for me often left me feeling very unseen and unheard. If I wasn't quickly satisfied by her suggestions, she would often feel hurt/rejected and disengage completely. I would end up feeling guilty either way. I am now someone who struggles with being vulnerable with others. I hate asking for help of any kind because I have a big subconscious fear of being a burden.
😑 this is my mother exactly too. i try not to go to her about my feelings anymore. even if im fine and doing well, she says stuff like, "ohh im SO glad i have SUCH a responsible daughter blahblahblah..." its like, great thanks for being so patronizing. can i just talk to you now? ugh.
Thank you for writing this out so well, because this is exactly EXACTLY me and my mother and I’ve never been able to put it into words, because it’s so innate to me. I really thought that was normal as could be for basically my entire life, and couldn’t understand myself and my adverse reactions to it, or why I still felt unseen when she was coming up with all these solutions as a way to cope with her own emotions and discomfort. Really, thank you so much ❤️
*I get that. Sometimes my mum gets mad at me when I tell her I'd just like to finish venting, because she keeps interrupting me with "solutions". I not only don't see these as workable solutions but she acts like I wanted advice when I only just wanted to vent. Then she'll either say she's too busy to do this, she's in too much pain to talk, or some other thing.*
This roleplay was so accurate to my own life it's almost uncanny. Didn't expect to hit me quite so hard. I've struggled since I was born in socializing with my peers, always had issues with loud noises, harsh lights, artificial scents and sudden changes of plans. This all spiraled into crippling anxiety and depression. My family for as long as I can remember always told me that I was perfect, that there is nothing wrong me, that I was just too cought up in my head and I needed to power through it. That I was just being weak. Right now I'm 27 years old, and I have been recently diagnosed with Asperger. I don't plan on telling them ever. I'm not sure they would believe me.
I have the most invalidating mother and it drives me wild to the point where I just stare and wonder how she manages to be so negative. Every single time she sees me, comes to my house, sees my kids, etc., she has some sort of harsh criticism. It's usually very simple things that she exaggerates and finds issue with (e.g. my Christmas decorations aren't gender considerate, my children's shoes stink, my pantry needs organizing, etc.). It's so annoying because she doesn't do it to anyone else and they live subpar lifestyles, but ME...I'm the target of her invalidation constantly. She also makes sure she does it in front of my siblings and includes them on the shame game. So stressful! Today I told her I didn't care what she had to say, and she responded by saying OKAY, BYE!
Agreed! I’m so proud of you for pushing through (healthily ❤️) to heal yourself from the trauma you’ve grown up with. You are so strong! You’ve got this!
I still remember the time I got into a heated argument with my parents over how I should be writing my resume and cover letters. My mom was practically demanding that I write mine based on my dad's advice despite the fact that we were in completely different fields and that his advice went against everything I had previously been told by career advisors at my university campus and online. My dad was livid at what he viewed as my stubborn defiance of his authority. They would not even consider outside opinions on the matter...it was his way or the highway. And let's not even get into the many times they dismissed me when I opened up about my depression and their unwitting enforcement of the mental health taboo within Chinese culture.
My dad wasn't toxic to me (or I didn't think he was) when I was growing up. As I grew older and learned more about the world, I started to see that something was wrong about my dad that his siblings and the rest of his family seems to turn a blind eye on. In family reunions, he is pleasant, but at home, when you give him a different opinion on whatever topic he's focused on, he easily gets pissed, deflects, and throws a temper tantrum. He would want us to validate him, but doesn't have the grace and humility enough to validate even his own children. I've long wanted to move out of our house, but my finances aren't stable enough yet for me to move out. 💔
Please understand- chronic narcissistic abuse severely damages your ability to make decisions, they zap your energy, often truly mess with your health, sleep, eating, cortisol levels chronically high can damage your brain. Complex ptsd in these cases are real, & it is indeed complex. Just be aware we can stay too stunned to move as we get all our blood sucked dry. Good luck doing what you have to do for your well being. Dr Ramani has a lot of good digestible content on UA-cam on the topic of narcissistic abuse, coercive control, & toxic family systems. Most times an example is about a lover, you can easily see the correlations in other relationships as well. It’s a complicated thing no one fully understands. But after binge watching these videos I was finally able to leave with my last strength. Sending a hug 🤍
Watching all of the healthy validation ones just seems foreign and fantasy... like no parents are ACTUALLY like that in my head, I can't comprehend there are parents like that in this world.
It almost seems sickly sweet to me. I realize that that's definitely a good way to parent, but a part of me recoiled when I watched the healthy validation one. It's strange, it's like my mind doesn't even want to believe it's possible to have a parent like that.
I grew up with friends who had parents like this. When I witnessed it I felt like their parents were spoiling them and being too easy on them 🤦 I had no idea what emotional support looked like.
So I was at a friends house watching the Super Bowl and got a little too excited and my friends dad yelled at me. But the shocking thing was he apologized. And I was like why are you apologizing and the next thing I said was I wish you were my parents.
Ooh, that disorganized attention seeking one was a real trip! I actually got a little panicky while listening to your character try to recall the name of the actress. Never heard anyone else spell it out like that before. I learn so much from your videos. Yes, I'd love to hear from you on being triggered re:giving validation. It's something I've struggled with myself, not to mention that I grew up with a father who intermittently viewed me as a therapist and surrogate spouse. I feel like that dynamic has made it very hard for me to learn how to validate others in a healthy way.
I am so bad at giving validation too and just engaging with others in a healthy way. I get perceived as argumentative when to me I'm just talking and trying to have a conversation because that's the only engagement I got as a kid was arguing.
Thirded… “Bacon carrots” that’s my word. I went through similar to you but I remember finally realizing there was a serious problem that would take outside help when I was trying to have a serious conversation with my mom, and she’s on her phone and trying to show me FB videos of bacon carrots… like why?
I was that too for my Dad! And I have learned there is a term (emotional incest) for this which is SO unpleasant I likely haven't looked into it much 😔
@@victoriasofitel oh hey! I've looked into emotional incest myself. It was really difficult and I had to go carefully because it'd trigger these intense feelings of shame and disgust whenever I'd make connections back to the way I was treated as a child. It really shaped my sense of self and I feel like I've had to rebuild myself from the ground up. It's a hard aspect of the emotional abuse I got from my father to contend with so I really empathize with you. I have a PDF of silently seduced on my device and it was almost harder to read about that than it was when I read books like Pete walker's cptsd book and "why does to do that" (tho tbf i haven't finished either of those yet). Yep. It's hard to learn about.
I was told as a young child, by my father, that the reason that I did not have friends was because I had a bad personality. I didn't realize it until now, but ever since then, I have felt like a deeply broken person.
Patrick, I'd love to see a video on triggers around giving validation. My partner has a stressful job working with snarky children, entitled parents of said children, and passive aggressive colleagues. It is sooo triggering for me when he tells me about his workday. I want to be supportive but I think it upsets me more to hear about it than it upsets him to be there.
Same! I realized this not so long ago, I even become passive aggressive to my partner when he needs my support due to stress and anxiety he is feeling (which is often). Having to do caretaking is extremely triggering to me, perhaps because I had to do it so often with my parent, I see it as having to sacrifice my needs "again" to take care of others' emotional needs.. Trying to change this but it's hard to get around my emotional response..
Yup. That first role play, as he’s talking about the health insurance, I’m thinking ok what alls we gotta do is- write an email to the ceo, Human Resources, copy everyone in the company let them know we’re getting a lawyer, and break the copier. Apparently, that’s not a sane approach 😂 Even knowing it’s play acting, I felt feelings
I remember a time I asked my mom for advice, I was probably in like 6th grade. I told her that I was frustrated and sad because I was having trouble making friends in school. And she didn't even try one of these examples - she said NOTHING. No support, no acknowledgement of my pain. It was never brought up again, and I never asked her for help again. I have a horrible time trying to open up to people because I feel like nobody will care or validate me.
I had the same experience. I have spent my life looking for that friend to no avail. I can't help but wonder if my mom had been more there for me when I was so young if I would have been less needy as an adult. However, I don't think she knew what to do. My therapist told me that my mom did the best she could. This puts me between a rock and a hard place. If only people not equipped to be parents would not have children.
Mine were too busy. No room in their hearts, minds, or schedules for their unplanned child. Was raised to be okay with whatever was best for THEM. To never, EVER ask for anything or need anything. To do my best not to exist. Because I never should have.
7:55 - Explanation of role play scenario 9:40 - The Scenario - The Work Problem (explained) 11:20 - #1 Takes their side (you're the problem) 12:00 - #2 You end up taking care of them. (I"m the real victim) 13:03 - #3 Talks about sibling or someone else (only they matter) 13:55 - #4 What do you want me to do about it? (suffering competition) 14:26 - #5 Let's make it worse for you (live in 'doom' like me) 15:25 -- #6 You're my audience now (disorgnaized attention seeking) 16:50 - #7 Can't right now... busy. (avoidant parenting) 17:23 - What a healthy validation sounds like.
I never got validation from my parents. I interacted with my mom more because my dad was a hardened military man who was so strict I feared him. My mom, however, was manipulative, unloving, and emotionally unavailable. She doesn't tell me she loves me anymore, she told me (on two different occasions) her (and/or) my dad wanted to abort me but "changed their minds," she'd give me permission to go out with friends, but not tell my dad so if he finds out I didn't ask his permission he would lash out at me and she'd never defend me because "they had to have a united front". She is also the same person who told me "I made my bed, now I have to lie in it" when I came to her and my dad when my husband and I were having marriage issues, but we decided to work them out...then told me that she "never want[s] to hear about my marriage issues again" because I chose to work through my issues... ...Yet, people tell me that I am expected to take care of them and love them because they don't realize what they are doing. I can't keep dealing with that shit. My inner child is so buried in emotional and mental trauma idk if I'd ever get her out.
Oooh this just unlocked something in my brain. My mom told me to never talk to her about relationship issues because I would move on and she would never forget or forgive him. And that’s why I suffered from abuse and didn’t talk to anyone about it. I never wanted anyone to hate my partner if I was just overreacting and we decided to work on things and get over it.
It's scary to think that my parents are almost 6 out of 7 of these examples. I appreciate you bringing awareness to my childhood abuse. For the longest time I was never valued or validated until I met my fiance and I'm still having issues accepting help or advice expecting the same result of my parents.
My mother does several of the unhealthy scenarios.. if I talk to her about issues mostly she just gets angry and tells me she doesn’t know what to say and then brings up how she had it worse.
@@lunatica9th no she didn’t.. she had 2 loving parents. My father was an abusive alcoholic who abandoned me when I was 7 .. then i had to endure 15 years of dysfunctional stepfather/boyfriends of hers.
@@lunatica9th even if she did... that's not a good way to deal with your CHILD who is going through it right now, she is just invalidating your feelings
I'd love a video about how to shut down the parent doing this, or try to make them realise what they're doing. I often get triggered and hang up, or shut down and stop talking. I'd like to healthily tell them they're not helping and why. thank you for your videos!
I tried doing this many times after I started studying nonviolent communication and I don't recommend it. Each attempt I did ended up with my parents turning the topics on drama (happened most of the times), or making it about them, trying to make me feel guilty for telling it to them, or even the worse answer I got: saying that they would still do it because their attitude turned me into a better person (with lots of trauma, and I wonder... better to whom?). Nowadays I avoid deep communications with them and just talk about shallow topics or listen to their opinion and their lives.
@@beatrizc8617 Wow, I identify with your comments. I too have a superficial relationship with my family for much the same behaviors. I rarely visit them and will not get on the phone with them. No since in screwing up my day over their self absorbed gossipy crap. And it is always all about them and I live a charmed life. LOL (My mother said so.)
me too! Cutting contact with everyone in our lives who’s an invalidator would leave us with no one! Sometimes, people don’t even know they’re doing something wrong.
Wow! I've never heard healthy validation, but I have heard all seven of those invalidating conversations. I finally just stopped sharing anything about myself or my life. Thanks for this role play. It brought into the light what I have been dealing with in the dark.
Thanks Patrick. My biggest problem is therapists I go to never fully get it. They imagine how it is and spew some general advise. So, thank you for your valuable validating work 🙏
I can definitely relate to a lot of these. I don't know this for sure (because we don't talk about it), but I've somewhat concluded that me having problems triggers my parent because it makes them feel powerless, so if there's a way to get me to stop talking about it, it's like the problem has been solved. (I'd definitely be interested in hearing about giving-validation triggers, for both myself and relating to others) I'd also add as a "golden child" (atypical situation), I often get in response "you'll figure it out, you always do". Like a sign that I'm not supposed to be the one having struggles Another great video :)
I'm also a "golden child" despite struggling with severe depression. I have to watch my also mentally ill older sibling get berated constantly as the scapegoat for his symptoms of mental illness, while it's assumed I can just "figure things out". There's some sympathy, but an unwillingness to engage unless my mental illness makes my parent upset (because depressed people can ruin a Friday night!) or takes me off the course of my education/career.
My sister who I had to stop seeking support from would ALWAYS say “I’m just being the devil’s advocate” 🙄🙄🙄 I see now that she IS the advocate of the inner demons in my narcissistic mother and other sister. It’s infuriating trying to explain how this feels. I just had to go no contact with these people bc it was too damaging to keep trying.
I had to go no contact with my siblings. I did not speak with my sister for 3 years and just began emailing. I keep personal stuff to myself. I can hear our parents in her emails when she speaks of certain issues she is going through. I feel bad for her at times, but it is not my duty to heal her.
What my parent likes to do is tell me it's all in my head and I'm imagining the problem. Kinda like the 'siding with them,' one except just acting like I'm grossly overreacting. And then change and just talk about themselves. Thank you for this video, it is extremely helpful, also noticing some tendencies in myself when trying to help other people.
I know this is a word that's become overused and kind of a buzzword, but this is exactly the definition of gaslighting where they're telling you that your problems aren't real and that you're making them up.
They said it’s all in your head and you’re imagining the problem? Yikes! That’s gaslighting. It’s a form of abuse and manipulation by making you feel like you’re crazy.
"Don't look for healing at the same feet of those who broke you."
-'rupi kaur'
Best words I’ve ever heard!!!
Wow this is so powerfully true.
Yes you will keep falling further down
@@MsThe90
Exactly, they'll just keep abusing and taking advantage of you further still.
Kicking you when you're down
Wow did I need to hear that!!! I was never good enuf in my mother's eyes, who verbally abused me all my life. Yet I keep trying to seek her validation n please her. I'm 59 now n it's getting worse only becuz Ive been in therapy for years n I learned to speak up where as my younger years I was too afraid to defend myself ... After all that disrespectful in her eyes... I'd get smacked or punished. Anyway while still seeking her approval I also defend myself,. This week was the worse argument ever! I spoke up n vented every emotion n feeling I've stuffed down all my life but I was in rage n now I'm no longer part of our family. In my mind I believe the severity this time was done thru shock n guilt!!! Anyway I feel regretful now but somewhat relieved. I wish I would of seen ur message 4 days ago lol. But everything happens for a reason right. Thank u tho. Ur message is extremely powerful
I'm so glad that you included the Healthy Validation because so many of us didn't know what that even looks like.
Until last year, I didn't even know that parents actually did healthy validating like that. I couldnt believe it.
Sometimes I will get the healthy validation after I was ransacked with the unhealthy invalidation and then they wondered why I wasn't so quick to partake from the festivities of their now somewhat willing validation they finally wanted to give me..🤔🤔😏
Yes, invalidation is so normal to us.
totally!!!!!!!
EXACTLY 🔥💥❤️
I binge watch these videos so to be extra aware of how I treat my babies. Thank you. Breaking these generational curses.
Isiah saldivar is also really good!
This is such great parenting on your part though!! What a good parent you are ❤
Same!
I love that you are so self aware - thank you for being an inspiration - hope life will flow your way, and you gonna reap what you sow ✨
Love that!!
The words I remember as a kid are "life isn't fair" and "the world doesn't revolve around you"
I heard those too often from my mother.
And This is the story of my life :/
I've heard that many times.
*Suck it up, Buttercup* was a golden ticket as well
Wow me too. "Shxt in one hand and want in the other, see which gets full faster" whenever I said I wanted something
The fact that I imagined myself in the situation and said to myself "I would never tell my parents if I have problems at my job" tells everything doesn't it?
Hahaha yes. I was thinking, "Noooo!! What are you doing!?!?" I learned not to do this when I was about......8.
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Yeah, i haven’t talked to my parents about struggles at school, at my workplace or with friends etc since i was... i don’t know, 10? Cause every time i did my mum would either brush it off or be so aggressive, like “if you have this problem it’s your fault and you have to handle it/omg you are handling it so badly, i can’t with you”....
like, might as well deal with it alone and avoid getting shit from you then
I felt the same way because I know that exact or similar scenario would happen…
I keep and kept a lot from them growing up. I’m 29 and still don’t tell them anything because it makes me feel sick when I do. I actually got that same tense gut feeling watching this.
I certainly never brought up work, relationship or school issues to them. I would tell my friends about it and they’d be like that’s not normal and try to help. Thank goodness for the internet and kind people IRL. I still struggle, but they at least helped to guide me.
Yeah probably you're the scapegoat like most us lol...my golden child sister has no problem complaining about work
I’ll never forget telling my mom I was being bullied in school, and she told me to just ignore them. That was it. No empathy. No compassion. It was so dismissive. I never went to her with my problems again, and I’ve had a life-long hesitancy to share my feelings and problems with others.
I'm so sorry you were bullied! You did not deserve that! Poor kid. I would've liked to have helped you through that.
@@knie1172 That's terrible. I think you deserved better than that.
I feel this. 100%. I told my mom and she said get over it.
Same! I was being bullied by my 3 sisters actually … and they got the neighborhood kids to bully me too. My mom said ‘well if they call you stupid / fat / ugly etc does that mean you will be?’ Or if they would beat me up she would say ‘that’s how kids are, it’s normal’ or ‘well stop bothering them’ or ‘stay away from them’ . My dad would get very annoyed and disgusted with me if I came to him crying and yell at me to go away.
I don’t know how to speak up or defend myself . I often feel like bad things happen to me because I brought it upon myself and I’m helpless to change things. It’s really difficult to know what my feelings are and realize when things are toxic . I often question my perspective and don’t trust myself .
I’m in therapy now and I’m feeling a lot of anger . I am 35 but still feel like a young helpless child .
@@PENH5428 I’m so sorry you went through that with your family. I understand how it effects later relationships and undermines self esteem. I know it’s hard but keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for other’s behavior. Therapy has really helped me. I hope it helps you too.
I think my parent's tendencies to never take my side or empathize with me has had a big part in my tendency to hide my stresses and concerns and difficulties opening up. And also a terrible tendency I have to exaggerate when I *do* open up, because I am worried about the other person siding with the other party, even when I know I am right.
Oh man. I exaggerate sometimes too because I’m scared my problem won’t be a big enough deal. My Dad has said to me since I was quite young - toddler age - that I have nothing to cry about, or I’m being dramatic.
A great watch on How bad parents are made ua-cam.com/video/yRq2tYnpgO0/v-deo.html
Wow, you just perfectly described what I’ve struggled with my entire life. I’ve learned to hide my feelings, even from myself, so when an instance comes up where I actually need to get help and be heard I feel like my reactions are fake and over exaggerated. We will heal and get through this ❤️
This me 😭😭😭😭
I feel the same especially with my Mom since my dad wasn't super present physically. I usually tend to minimize my issues if the person is freaking out or over-reacting. Although my mom had the tendency to over-react or under-react along with some emotional abuse bh. So I notice I tend to minimize my issues if I perceive the other person is over-reacting or even if they under-react and dismiss it. The only times I have later noticed that I displayed my feelings more theatrically is when the other person has hurt me and I need them to take ownership or show remorse and prove o me I'm important. That is typically when if they dismiss it I will then say something like, "you hurt me and made me feel like I'm not important and you don't respect me that's okay I'm sorry I thought you cared. I would never do that that to you and someone who loved me as a person/friend would not do that". Which btw is usually with avoidant types that I've noticed I did this too, since that's the only time my needs will be addressed. I laugh because I realize this was a 2 fold issue growing up, my mom would constantly say I'm being dramatic/ a drama queen or exaggerating my feelings as a way to dismiss me and silence me. I would get upset, think that no one cares and try to keep everything a secret. Of course she's emotionally abusive so she would always try to trick or trap me into thinking it's safe to talk and then something would happen where I'd instantly regret it. But yes there were times I had to over- exaggerate to get my needs met as a child which is ironic since my mom supposedly wanted me to act dramatic, so that was a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy on her end. I will however say as an adult when and if that happens with someone else I will address it and point out how unhealthy that is in our relationship. I mean it's essentially proving to someone you are worthy of being seen and shown care/affection by having to manipulate a situation to get your basic needs met 🥺😭. Please do not date or befriend ppl that exhibit unhealthy bh traits and patterns because the cycle will repeat and you deserve better.
I used to say IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU SHARE IT WITH MY MOTHER, THEN YOU HAVE TWO PROBLEMS: YOUR ORIGINAL PROBLEM PLUS MOM’S REACTION TO IT (which was usually hysteria or some other highly needy childish over the top insane emotion and even crazy behavior). Basically, her response required that I take care of her. I eventually just stopped telling her about difficult things in my life. Which eventually led to no communication with her at all.
You chose wisely. I hope you're finding some peace now.
What an Elizabeth Bennett! Also, relatable.
Laughing at this because its so real to me , and I did laugh at her over reactions many times , but it is the only way I could deal with it .
Also I see it as she got what she needed , you not interacting with her at all . Sometimes I think they do a repulsive behaviour just to push us away because they cannot deal with too many kids ! My mom had 6 of us . I was always chosen as the one to say no to , but not just no , but a hysterical over the top no . I learned early to stay away from her , or I would get it when she had had enough from her kids that day ! I was always considered last in everything too . I was number 5. An accident and a girl . She treated the 3 boys totally differently than us girls . She loved them . I was a tomboy never identifying with girls at all growing up , as if that would get me off the hook , and she would consider me first . never happened
This was my mother-in-law's reaction... How interesting.
"casual betrayal" breaks children's hearts and they often never feel protected and safe at home
It's so heartbreaking how alien the healthy validation scenario feels.
Right? feels like that's something you could only watch in a well scripted movie
The most tears watching that one, for sure.
I know right! That was a real moment for me… I’ve heard other people do the healthy validation talk but to my damaged perceptions it seemed rude… this work is hard💔 💜hugz all💜heal on💜
It IS something I’ve only heard on tv/in movies, the healthy validation. That’s just shameful. It’s utterly shameful.
I’m just now realizing I deserved better than that solely due to hearing myself say these things to my daughter knowing and believing the truth of them beyond my bones, I had to begin to ponder why my own words didn’t apply to me.
I felt panic in my chest
I remember clearly writing 5 things on notecards that I felt were stumbling blocks as a young teen - weight, driving, dating - things I wanted help with, saw as interconnected issues, and tearfully brought them to my mother for her to help me pick one and help me make progress. She laughed the whole thing off, my earnestness, and I feel like that's sort of set the tenor of our relationship for the next 20 years.
What an amazingly insightful thing to do as a kid. Beautiful discernment.
Yeah, to have that kind of wisdom at a young age...what a cool kid she missed out on. Her loss, in my opinion.
That story makes me so sad. You were so open.
Awww 😔 sounds like maybe she was trying to project shame onto you bc she felt shame for not knowing how to help you.. but you showed a lot of self awareness and courage doing that, and I’m sorry she wasn’t able to be there for you.. Peace and blessings to you on your healing journey💓🕊
Thank you, everyone. This video just brought that moment vividly to mind. I love her, know she loves me, zero doubt. But somehow, it has shut me down throughout my life.. She asks what's wrong and in many moments, when I'm caught in my head, I feel so deeply and so much about the path of my life that I can't answer. And this, she sees as me shutting her out and reacts with anger that I can't supply a comfortable answer in 30 seconds. It is hard to think that telling her it's because she shut me out (on this level of emotions where I operate) a long time ago would bring positive change to our relationship.
"It's your fault for getting into a situation where others are taking advantage of you. How could you be so stupid?" (A gem from my father)
Directly followed by, you just have to power through, stuff doesn’t just fall from the sky
My son was killed by a drunk driver. At the time I was taking care of my aging toxic narcissistic mother in her home. I broke down crying one day while making dinner for her. She asked, "what's the matter with you?" I said I was missing my son. She replied," you should be over that by now. He had passed only two weeks prior.
So sorry for your loss! 🙏
Oh, my goodness how callous. I guess you loved you son so much that you'll never "get over it" and that you wouldn't even want to. You would want and need to for ever love him and cherish and honor his memory, and that is your right and absolutely natural, too. I was so moved when there was a huge sunami and many went missing, and my son reacted by knowing that I would never stop searching for him. I hope you will by and by (years) find a way to "live with" your son till you die, close to you in your heart, you need never to part with him, just to please others. I wouldn't do it. Your heart will only grow due to this tragic death, and there will always be room for him in a central and warm place. Nobody has the right to take that away from you.
Next time your mother is that silly and selfish, look her straight in the eyes and tell her calmly and firmly: "Shut up!", turn around and go for a long walk. You are worth it! And stay loving!
I lost my son when he was 6 years old. And you're absolutely right, it's almost our culture, not just individuals, who act like we should all be over it, maybe not in 2 weeks but certainly within a month. The thing you need to know, is that you won't get over it. It. But you will learn to carry it. And when you do, you'll be able to help others carry it too. He's been gone for over 30 years, and certain things can still remind me so deeply of him that tears come to my eyes. Eyes. You will learn to carry it, and that will make you stronger.
@@KeriRojas I'm sure you do help many others to carry their sorrow and the deep love it is based on. Come to think of it - it is very egotistical to demand from a mother that "you should get over it (and direct all your attention and being of service to beof service for me)!"
You stayed loving, Keri, and I admire for it. All the best wishes - may you be blessed!
Wow your mom is very sick. She has no empathy. Low or no contact would help you. You deserved a better mom I’m sorry you didn’t have that. You may want to argue that because we can’t see who we love. But this is huge red flag of who your mom has always been. I hope you can let her go & forgive her too. But she is dangerous to you. So toxic again I’m sorry. Your son helped reveal this to you. Those that we love are always with us guiding & helping us. As much as it hurt he revealed her. Sorry for your loss of your son. Now your mom not every loss is a true loss. Especially if they could never be there the way we needed for us or themselves. Take care of you & surround yourself with people who validate your pain. There is no time table for grief. It’s part of the controlling shoulds your mom employs. So she could feel comfortable…. The only time line for grief is simple before & after. You will heal but faster if you can protect yourself from people even your mom. Who don’t truly care if you heal but want you to shut down. So they don’t have to feel bad. Again she is sick not your fault. I hope you set boundaries with her. There are explanations for her behaviors but no excuses. It was a horrible cruel thing she said. I’m sorry you had to hear that while tending to your broken heart. Cry all you want it’s NORMAL. Your normal forget all the negative messages from your mom. She is not normal at all.
“There’s no free lunch in this world and I’ve been telling you that since you were six.” Oh. My. God. This is gold.
my mom would always tell me "life ain't fair" haha
MY DAD LMAO
My dad used to use similar phrases almost exactly like that. Lol I recently discovered this channel and I swear this guy has been secretly spying on my family. He is so spot on lol.
Yes, but really there is no free lunch.
"Fair is a place where they sell pigs and judge pies"
TAKES THEIR SIDE!! It took me a while to recognize this- but no matter what the situation…people she doesn’t know, strangers…if I tell her anything that happened in my life, she ALWAYS takes their side, and I must have been in the wrong.
ENTITLED LOSER- yep. That’s how I’ve been raised , to feel guilty about everything. I used to walk away when we checked at the grocery store as a young young child, because I couldn’t take how guilty I would feel from the amount of money she had to spend, and there would inevitably be a long diatribe on the way home of how much money it costs to feed me. (No wonder I ended up with a lifelong ED)
My mother too! How Frustrating! A witch woman pulled two of my molars out instead of one( I live in Hawaii, they are full of nasty tricks here😢) and now I can't chew on that side. She still found a way to take her side!! She must know what she's doing... I'm sure there's a reason.. I told the dentist who was the boss, he did nothing. It would be too much like work. Ppl here "look the other way" and play dumb to get out of working too much. And they don't like to"rock the boat". I told her all this and she still took their side!! Ugh! 😢😮 She's crazy I'm learning, though she hides it well to the outside world. Covert narcissist. I love his videos 😊
Lol 😂 yep! My ex, mom, dad, brother, grandmother and so on and so on! I did something wrong to my cousin and apologized but my own aunt tried to get through to my mother and of course she was on my side 😂
You too???
I had an operation when I was 17 and an athlete. They had put me in the pediatric ward bc I was under 18, and the brand new nurse (she cheerfully told me it was her third day, and looking back, I should have sprinted out of there RIGHT THEN), gave me my pre op injection in the top of my thighs.
Which you only do for children 2 and under.
When I awoke from the operation- which was on my hand- I COULD NOT WALK. It was AGONIZING. The top of my legs, felt like they were immersed in boiling oil. I couldn’t walk for a MONTH.
When I told my Dad, who could see that I was in real pain, that I wanted to at least have the nurse disciplined, he told me he couldn’t do that, and I was over reacting, and stop it.
The thing was?
He was head of the hospital, at that time.
He could have done SOMETHING.
He blamed me.
The pain lessened, but I had to quit soccer- and I was one of the first 3 girls to play on the boys’ varsity team, in the States.
The pain came up whenever I exercised strenuously. It finally left-
AFTER 30 YEARS.
I can’t tell you how validating it is, to finally be able to let go of the shame about this.
THANK YOJ PATRICK!
Same! Feeling less alone
"We would bond through negativity or complaining." My family did this as well and eventually I gave it a name - pissing contest. Basically the goal was who could be the most self-pitying to the point where the discussion stopped.
ALSO OMG MY MOM WORKS AT A HOSPITAL SO THIS HIT HOME SO HARD SHE LITERALLY DOES THIS
I call it the Misery Olympics.
I call it the [name/problem] hate train. Pissing contest to me is when they're trying to flex the hardest and be the coolest but about things they really shouldn't be proud of
I swear it’s either this with my family or seeing who can take the piss out on someone the best. We call it “shit talk” and it’s basically just roasting someone until they cry. Basically in my family you either have to be the victim or make the victims, there’s no in between
@@riverstyx7251 holy shit that's bad. Get away quick 🤗
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and autism at 41. When I shared this with my mom, she used one of her go to responses---"everyone suffers. Life is hard because of what's going on these days".
I want to break the phone when I talk with her.
I hear you Ruby! My mom is exactly the same, but I think it's a healthy reaction you feel angry and want to break the phone because at least you aren't internalising it all and letting it make you sad and depressed. It doesn't sound like your mom is going to help you much with your ADHD and autism. Try to talk to someone else about it. It might be better. Best wishes, Rosie.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and ADHD but was totally wrong and now I have no diagnosis lol.
I am so sorry 😐
grrrrrrrrr....
Sounds like my mother and I wonder if she can even comprehend what I say. My mother responses don't even make sense.
My favorite lines...
"You aren't depressed, you just need to quit feeling sorry for yourself."
"Quit blaming your bad mood on "depression". You could control it if you wanted to."
"Why are you in such a bad mood? Where have I failed as a parent? You are just being a disrespectful bully!"
"Oh, you have it soooooooo bad, don't you? You have a nice bed, food to eat, a place to live. We let you join band/chour/ROTC and this is how you treat us?"
"Quit using depression as an excuse! You just need to pray harder!"
God is deaf and mute f that dude or thing whatever it is not a fan never was god knows already it knows if it doesn't no harm no foul religion opiate for the masses but never got me no feels I feel blessed yeah ok I feel cursed .
Hug
"Get a haircut and a job. You've just got too much time to think about your navel." 🙄
omg the last one ooooof
Sounds familiar
The doom parent, painting the child as entitled loser, felt so natural that I really struggled to see the toxicity. Wow.
Thank you 🙏🏼
sounds like the worst kind of baby boomer.
Facts❤
My father has always made the way he sees me very, very clear. Incapable, irresponsible, inefficient, lazy, ungrateful, and over-emotional.
Imagining him talking to me the way you showed the healthy validation in this video brought me to tears. I can’t imagine what that would feel like.
I know it hard but dont think abt it
I hope you get the experience of getting your own place. Even a cute little lovely peaceful studio. So you can physically take yourself out of that environment. Somehow, “saving myself” took away 50% of the mental negative conversations. Paying my bills and working for my own financial freedom was super scary at first but then in a way I earned my ow trust, respect, self -love. I also got to truly hear my own thoughts and see if they were really mine or placed there by a toxic parents. The relationships within myself and finding a good therapist have completely changed my life. In a couple weeks things got so much better it was amazing. May you feel the same peace and love in one way shape or form. And if you’ve already took yourself out of that negative environment. Congratulations to you brave girl 💜
OMG literally same gurrrllll!!!
TW: Self harm.
I haven't reached that part of the video, but I cried reading the words you used about how your dad sees you. My parent used those words towards me all the time as a child. I dont remember much about my childhood, but I do clearly remember cutting those words into my thigh, and sorry on my wrist (for not being good enough). The parent now denies ever having said those things to me.
I expect my dad to treat me like stupid shit but not your dad to you. That's really upsetting and it makes me want to explode because why should it ever happen? How hard is it to admit you're a person too and you're no better than your child? How hard is it to be nice to your own child in any supportive way?? Hugs for you. I'm really sorry. Wish I could give you better dad.
It was actually eye-opening to know that it is completely normal and healthy to seek validation 😳 I always thought seeking validation and support is viewed as a weakness and that it is a burden. It makes sense that we humans indeed need validation from each other. I have now a better understanding of why I have such a hard time trusting my mother.
We're abused as young children...of course nobody wants to be bothered with feelings and shames you for being weak. When you don't like something for whatever reason or don't feel well, your feelings just don't matter. No time...
I was also taught to never ask for validation. When I received it from others it felt fake.
Ho...ly... sh**... thank you guys so much for posting these comments... so relatable yall dont even know...
Right?! That was such a hard thing to learn in therapy. I first learned it years ago and I'm still struggling with realizing it's normal.
Me too.
Can you make a video about assessing your own toxicity, I’ve been around it my whole life that I’m afraid I’ve developed those traits. I like to think I’m pretty grounded and reasonable but I’d like a personal checklist type of thing.
Agreed! I find myself doing some of the things Patrick has brought up here and I get upset when I do, because that's not the kind of person I want to be. Some tips would be wonderful!
I'm scared of becoming toxic too. I legitimately do the opposite of what I think my mom would do, but somehow I'm still afraid.
@@mugiwaerouma I relate SO MUCH! A huge fear of mine is to be like my mother and I constantly overanalyse myself as a person and parent to make sure I’m on the right track… honestly it’s exhausting. It’s a constant fear of failure and when you’re not successful (sometimes we slip up because we’re human, right?) and do something that doesn’t feel right you come down so hard on yourself. At least I do. But we’re doing our best and that’s all we can. You’re strong!
Me too. But I really do believe that wanting to be better and being self-aware is already a huge step in the right direction. Toxic people often thing there's nothing wrong with them.
@Kelly M - great idea.
I have always hated working or going to jobs even when I "liked" the job. Thinking the workplace might represent the family in my subconscious is like a revelation. It was like going from one horrible place to another.
Me too
Eh, well a good antidote to that might be having a more mercenary relationship with work. It's not a marriage, you don't know it a deep and emotionally fulfilling commitment. It's a fiduciary relationship, so you just do what you have to do to stay in the job description's lane and move on. It's perfectly fine to not have 'work friends' because once one of you ends up leaving that job, the relationship usually peters out, too.
I hear you. Similar feelings of dread and never being seen, heard, appreciated or cared about (and believe me - I could be lowered maintenance!😜) and always having to be ready to stand up for myself because no one else will and it's a toxic environment of immaturity, everyone for themselves, and constant reactionary anger and blame after the fact versus collaboration, support, prevention and problem solving and growth mindsets.
Do everything you can to develop your skills so your essential and can't be cut and can snap your fingers and get a better job with people who you actually want to work with.
In the mean time, yeah, be more mercenary like that other commenter said. And absolutely look out for yourself first and prioritize your physical and mental health and self care. Good luck.
A great watch on How bad parents are made ua-cam.com/video/yRq2tYnpgO0/v-deo.html
I know @lindsay. Work is terrible for me. It's too much like that house I grew up in. I could get yelled at any moment (I have been yelled at in the workplace and just took it. Childhood conditioning) I'm always worried about getting in trouble or blamed for something. I have literally done the work of others due to this. Yet I remain afraid. It's exhausting. I'm not at work one bit to make friends. It's survival to me. But it's a constant worry. My mother would have no idea what she did to me.
My mother usually took the stance of either "it's got to be your fault somehow," or "if you think YOU have problems...." Then she wondered why I stopped coming to her and telling her things.
I feel you did the right thing - took responsibility for whom you confided in. Kudos!
This is my father.
OMG, your body language mimics how I must look if I'm forced to speak to my biological family!
I hang up feeling more depressed and confused than I started just thinking: WHY???
Thank you, you are an amazing person!
There is a button on your phone. It is called "block". Isn't it time you used it?
Yeah! You don't have to be a public figure to Block somebody. You don't have to be a gangster to Change Your Phone Number. It's not always reclusive to Decline Invitations. 💖🙏😎
Not everyone is in a position to block certain people. While yes, the block button is very useful and I personally use it... it's not something that we should automatically assume is the one answer.
@@NeenjaFruitcup And it's too late for a lot of us that went through this abuse during the good ole Land Line days....no block button back then.
@@reesedaniel5835 Yup! And even if it HAD been available,I’d have gotten an earful for doing it. My mother’s been gone almost 28 years-physically only. I just can’t get her out of my head….😵💫
Definitely saw my mom in the “I’m the victim”/“competition”/“doom” scenarios. Never once did I get a hug and was told everything was going to be alright. Hugs seem so simple to give in theory but are so very hard to give in reality.
Don’t worry, “In the real world” I’ve both given and received tons of hugs from friends/strangers/coworkers you name it.
Not everyone is a hugger obviously but holy crap the “real world” is so much nicer than home was.
I was NEVER EVER hugged or told I was loved. Ever. In fact one incident that occurred when I was 12 pretty much spelled it out for me. We were away on vacation and I had to share a room with my 2 brothers in a small lakeside cabin. My older brother stole my acne medication (hey-I was 14 and I always seemed to be one zit short of a breakdown 😬) I begged my mother to make him give it back. She ignored me completely. I still remember she was standing with her back to me. I burst into tears and said “You dont love me,do you?” No answer. Not a peep. Not a movement on her part. I had my answer. I’m adult now-not a child,so I can say in hindsight her silence was deafening. She proved over and over again throughout my life that I was not worth loving. 🤷♀️
It's seldom when I get hugged, and when I am hugged, it's always about her instead of me. Like, when she has one of her better moods and her overly controlling behavior makes me cry, she practically forces me into a hug because she feels bad that she ruined the good mood. An example of that was yesterday, we went to the beach two days ago and we had a wonderful day. My mom wanted to 'keep up the mood' only to insult my outfit and to start coming up with outfits for me like I'm a barbie doll when I'm fucking 23. So I broke down, and then she was like 'Oh, I did it again, didn't I?" And thus she followed me around the house, asking me for a hug several times until I gave in. Sometimes when I literally tell her 'No, I don't want to," she's like, "Yes, you do." (Consent doesn't exactly exists in my household. My mom's not a pedo, but she certainly leaves me feeling violated aside from the occasional physical violence)
@@inferiorinferno8859 Please try to get her to go to counseling with you. I wish I had insisted my mother go with me but back then I thought *I* was the problem. If only *I* could be better,do better,not be “so sensitive” as she always said when I got upset.
My mother was an iceberg. Had her favorites in family of 8 kids. I was not one apparently
My mom is doom and gloom when I bring up something that is bad or good. She is 100% the doom parent you showed. If I call with good news she looks for the flaws or things that can go wrong and turns excitement into anxiety and just hurt that she can’t ever seem genuinely excited for me without casting a huge gray cloud over it.
My mom was like this also.
Same. My dad was all about catastrophizing every scenario- true or imagined, trivial or big, significant or not.
I have a new project (for years) in my life (at 55 years old 😃🤸♀️💪) and did not share it with my 'parents' (yet).
I will not let them ruin it by their... comments. 😉
Rock on, baby! 💃
I think it's also important to think where this kind of reaction comes from with your parents. Sounds like for some reason they have deep seated anxiety. And maybe that stems from their own childhoods and those of their parents and so on. So perhaps a good approach is to recognise that, and it will hopefully help you to move forward instead of getting bogged down in the way your parents treated you. I would call this forgiveness and forgiveness is very powerful.
You might be my sibling cuz it sounds like the same parents raised us….😂 love ya sis
My parents always said “well what did YOU do”. I was always the problem so I assumed I was always the problem in every relationship I was ever in. It’s only now I realize in most of the relationship I was the most sane person wondering WTF I was doing wrong.
My parents did the same thing. I once saved my 24yo sister from a beating. My dads friend was caught flirting with her. They wanted to know that exact question, “What did she do?” I was 4 yrs old. I remember it like it was yesterday. I’m 73 ys old now.
@@arianaedwards6793 What a sick response to physical abuse! Hope you are out of that relationship and no longer expect validation from the person who asked that awful question
@@arianaedwards6793 Whoa. What I lived with my whole life. What did You do to deserve it?
I dated a literal psychopath because of the depression and invalidating hole I was in.
Between school at a 5A high school with 4,000+ students, my mom who left us and promised her leaving would make her a better mother, which turned into her even further distancing herself from us, while still living in the same state and school district to take us to school if she happened to ask for us to stay with her and we were guilted into going "because she is your mother, and you're going to regret the time you don't spend with her, it could be fun"
Being bullied for my depression and not killing myself like I said to someone who I thought was a friend
Trying to figure out after high-school while going through weekly therapy
My parents kinda ignoring me for my sister's needs because I was just the "typical asshole teen, that even I was at your age" thanks dad
I found this dude who not only attempted my life, but silently r'd me for 2 years in my sleep after I took my muscle relaxers
My mom told me that she tried to tell me to leave him, she never did, why do I remember so distinctively because I was practically BEGGING HER to visit me in the psych hospital, when the dudes abuse was too much and I got myself away from him.
I finally told her what he was doing to me, and she feels Terrible, but somehow I feel like that's the extent and not how she said she would hurt him, because again she only visited me twice and picked me up upon release and tried siding with the police that I wanted to hurt others, and not just me
@Misiu Maja yesss!
"Well if you go to school only in hoodies and jeans no one can see you, you're hiding"
So I wear less hoodie, more goodies *padded bras, tighter shirts, shorter shorts during summer, makeup and hair for 3 fucking hours before school so at 3am* and then
"You better not have worn that to school, people can see your shoulders, pull your shorts down, who bought that for you?! I need to talk to your dad. Why aren't you wearing your hoodies? I want your curves, God gave you beautiful eyes" *note I told her I'm being bullied because girls were saying I'm fat and ugly with my lazy eye*
Then because of the new attention I was a stupid bet for some juniors to see who could sleep with me or another girl first.
But it wasn't my thought to be out of hoodies to begin with because they kept my anxiety down and body warm 🙃
I went back to hoodies and was practically left alone.
Now it's hard for me to take compliments
My mother’s answer to any question was “I don’t know what to tell you “ from my childhood til me being 50
Your comment hit home! 💔
Same here.. any time I go to her about anything .. same thing
same but when I talk about something I'm sure about/know about myself/want for myself (not asking for help or advice, just sharing my thoughts), she immediately talks about how I'm wrong to think or feel that way about myself/something no matter what it is bc she has all these years on me/knows better/her experiences prove what I believe/like/think is wrong regardless of how we are different people/life is different for individual people and despite the fact theres been multiple times where she's responded this way and mislead me/led to me having a harder time bc I didn't just listen to my desires/instincts and listened to her instead. but then when I actually come to her for advice its the whole “I don’t know what to tell you" idk if I'm even expressing this right but wondering if this is invalidating or maybe I'm being too reactive or sensitive?
@@MSkp4wo she is invalidating you
same from my dad
One type I'd add to this is when the parent minimises the situation/difficult people in a way that you feel stupid that even felt pressured. They often say "you should be stronger" in a way that you are weak otherwise you wouldnt be bothered about that issue. Completely ignoring your emotions.
One time a homeless man yelled at me in the bus to the point of tears. She wasn’t even there yet my mother still managed to take his side
H no! Gosh I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what else she might have done to you.
I know the feeling. I have high functioning autism, and one time I was discriminated by a bartender who was pretty ignorant about the disorder and dragged me out of the karaoke bar when I tried to explain a few things (I hadn't been violent, I hadn't called her names, I had done nothing wrong. In fact, I was obedient and relatively calm the whole time). My mom wasn't present either, but she also took the bartender's side.
She's also the type of parent who gets upset when people call us on the spectrum 'retards', when she calls me a retard herself when I don't get something because her explanations to things can be a bit vague. I often like to call my mom Madame Hypocrite.
Do we share the same mother
That is so messed up...
I got angry watching this. My mum is the one that will constantly see herself as the victim. I’ve gone to her in the past opening up about how I’m feeling really down, and she’s turned it into how my low mood made HER feel bad about herself. My dad is the one who will constantly disregard anything you say to him, tells you to “push through” and “keep looking forwards”…the kind of toxic positivity shit. Im so glad I’m not alone in this. I can see other people in the comments saying similar stuff. Maybe this can explain why I’m so scared to say the wrong thing when someone is vulnerable to me…I know how much it hurts when you’re invalidated.
In public, whenever I hear a parent LISTEN to their child and NOT dismiss them, it makes my heart feel whole. Almost like my heart is craving JUST to be listened to. No “buts” or “maybe you should try…”, just LISTENING. Haha. Your videos really help me a lot, so thank you
I relate so much to everything you commented. Literally same.
I get so jealous whenever I see a parent in public that actually listens and cares what their child is saying. I know a man who always listens to children. It doesn't matter whose kid it is, what they're doing he always listens and treats them with respect. And just watching those small interactions has helped me so much.
I get so jealous when I see that.
I relate w/ when you say the " Push through " ..similiar things have been said.. from relatives..
Yeah, that's awful... when you don't feel validated.. 😕
Many years ago as a young mother I began noticing how other parents interacted with their children. There were no screaming rages, no parent playing the victim constantly, no hatred and jealousy toward their children. I immediately broke the cycle of the experiences I had growing up. My own home with my boys is quiet and loving, and I intentionally tell them frequently that I am proud of them. I give them choices. I give them the childhood I wish I had been given.
My mum does that as well, when she sees me being sad etc (and obviously when it happens she doesn’t know the reason since we don’t communicate) she gets angry and tells me to stop cause i’m ruining her day, or she makes me feel guilty cause “i’ve been working all day and when i come home you act like this? Maybe tomorrow i should just stay at work ah” as if i’m doing it on purpose to piss her off...
My mom gets so hurt and confused on why I can’t say “I love you” or give her a hug as an adult. It feels uncomfortable and unsafe. This isn’t what I wanted nor am I being petty- A huge wall just grew over time.
Wow I totally felt this and I agree. My whole life I’ve always wondered what it would be like having a good/decent mother/daughter relationship like “society” has made it seem. Sadly my mother has done the worst imaginable things and said things my worst enemy wouldn’t. But these videos have helped me TONS!
I felt the same. I could not stand the smell of my mom. So getting close was not what I desired.
Yeah, exactly, it's not a frivolous choice, it's necessary to feel safe and comfortable.
Too real, always just felt obligated to give affection but always felt super uncomfortable
Her hugs feel so draining. Like it sucks the life out of me.
Told my mom I felt a lot of anger and resentment towards them, and she replied with” you might need to take some vitamins, you might be deficient somewhere the reason for your bad mood” 🥲
Like, tell me you’re an emotionally neglectful parent without telling me you’re emotionally neglectful🙂
This hit home Bru.
Damn that sounds like my narccy mom smh the nerve
Before my mom died she asked me if I had a good childhood. I told her no. She didn’t even hear me.
Wow.... I´m so sorry that this has happened to you
If my child told me that I'd immediately ask why so I can apologize and make amends. Even if it was something out of my control. So many parents think they gotta cover up and lie to gain respect. I've learned it's better to be vulnerable and honest. Cover ups and lies ruined my life. It sucks to be vulnerable but my faith helps me with that.
While being mercilessly bullied at high school , my mom would say “you just must have done something to upset these girls? this doesn’t happen for no reason”. I was utterly desperate…
I'm so, SO sorry you had to deal with that. It's absolutely dismissive & uncalled for on her part.
When I was 8 or so, I had a "friend" come to my door & ask if I could come out & play~ we ran down the street, I was so happy she finally asked me to hang out & play. At the end of the block, another "friend" was hiding behind a big pine tree with a bag of shaving cream ... When I turned the corner she smeared my face w it. Menthol shaving cream ta boot. My eyes were burning so badly I couldn't see. I ran home to tell my mom, we marched to their house to confront them only to have my mom take their side, comforting & consoling, her arms around hugging them while I trailed several steps behind the 3 of them... I was absolutely devastated that my mom chose to NOT protect me. Catering to those 2 ... Saying to me:
*they have a story too, Sher*
I'll never forget that day.
It happens to the children of narcs a lot, I suspect, because the bullies (fledgling narcs--don't yell at me you can't diagnose kids IDC) can SMELL that conditioning on you almost? So they target you. I bet you had a string of narc love interests, too. They prepare you for their own kind and then throw you out into the world to laugh at the carnage.
It happens because the bullies can tell you've been taught to act like a servant to bullies.
@@sher575 Wow, Sher. I am so sorry. Wow.
The parent that responds with everything being no big deal and it'll all work out. Basically dismissive - no matter how big of a problem it is. The opposite of the doom response.
My mom would respond this way. After every time I tried to express that I was upset about something, it was "Count your blessings," and "God has a plan," etc. But looking for silver linings never fixed the deep well of despair I was feeling, because I was undiagnosed bipolar. But it took until near total collapse my senior year of college to get help for it, because I kept trying to power through, thinking it was somehow my fault for not being able to "positive-spin" my way out of it. (My father was hit-or-miss for commiseration, often too overwhelmed with his own bipolar/trauma to deal with mine or my siblings, or avoid taking it out on us.)
All that to say, I agree with you, and understand. It's still dismissive and hurtful, even when it's coming from optimism instead of "doom." Wishing you healing.
“Entitled loser” parents pretty much made me so afraid of living that I developed full blown severe social phobia, anxiety, and a 20 year long maladaptive daydreaming habit tipped off with a dash of alcoholism and substance use.
Same.
I am so sorry!
You are WORTH IT! You deserve a fully happy life!
Do not give up!
There is always another day to make things right!
✅
Rolling a blunt anyway substance abuse like substances can be abused ....
likewise
My mother is the QUEEN of being the bigger victim, making comparisons to my sibling and redirecting the conversation for disorganized attention seeking. If I ever brought an issue to her attention (which I never do), she’d either tell her own victim story, talk about my sister’s issues or bring up a random movie, tv show or book and completely redirect the conversation. I’ve concluded that my mother hates for the spotlight to be on me in any way. Im exhausted with competing with my mother.
I just had a thought in my Will I should leave all my awards I've ever recieved from my career, my university graduation diplomas to my mother because I bet she does not know about them.I invited her when I graduated university she never came.what a life.I should actually write her s letter to say oh I changed my Will to rather not leave you money but rather my achievements that you can hang them on the wall.The thing that really gets yo me is the fact that she does not want to acknowledge my achievements but wants my money
@@thembisaodendaal Disown that B****
@@island661 it is what it is
Me too
I feel like I just read what I am going through.....my mum makes her problems bigger than ours ..she's also a victim.....🤦🤦🤦🤦
Damn! This is deep. It explains why I don’t tell my mom anything.. it explains why I don’t tell anyone anything.
I’m terrified to talk to my parents since I was tiny. They just criticise and make me doubt my decisions. I was brave and told my mother I was feeling suicidal and she just replied “We all have our problems.” I’ve been an ‘orphan’ all my life as I’m so scared of them. I’m 40 years old and still terrified.
I understand your feelings totally.
Who else can you talk to who doesn't invalid you?
There is nothing wrong with you, you have parents who have the inability to be parents.
If I didn't have much older siblings, extended family and some friends, who validated my parents were shit I would have topped myself.
That sounds super demoralizing oh man 😢 you deserved (and deserve) care and attention
totally get it ….
I’m 47 and understand the terror, too.
My parent does this all the time. Last night I caught her doing it. It was SO subtle but so obvious and I realise it doesn’t matter what the scenario is, it’s all about finding a way to devalue me, it doesn’t matter what the facts are in the matter (ie if I’m actually right or wrong). I think it would be good to add a covert abuser respond too (they act really sweet and concerned but are actually undermining and devaluing you)
Sounds like it could be covert Narcissist behaviour. I found Dr Les Carters Surviving Narcissism channel helpful. Finally understood my parents behaviour.
@@sarahstrong7174 yeah it’s cookie cutter covert abuse! Cult leaders and other abusers use the same tactics it’s like they all read the same instruction manual
Facts
Yes my mom is emotionally abusive and I remember I brought it up to her that no matter the situation she is always or almost always choosing their side not mine. Like if I mention a scenario she might be like oh maybe you provoked them and I have to go and basically explain that I did not do that. So now I tend to not mention stuff like that. I think I have fully accepted that just bc she is my mom doesn't mean she will ever be the mom I need and want and no amount of magical thinking or reasoning with her will do anything but waste time and frustrate me. On a good day or best case she will apologize but it's always empty and dismissive with things like I did the best I could, when you have kids you'll understand or everyone's family has something dysfunctional about it. When a person uses the excuse but everyone has done X to justify how they hurt you, believe they will never fully take responsibility for it or ever see it as a problem that needs changing. In their mind the only issue that exists is you being upset by it 😑
Yes! Or the type of response that is basically saying, that's dumb you are so upset by it, you're an amazing person you'll be fine stop worrying about that. Why would you even be upset?!... just get over it, you're great, I'm sure you'll be fine.
Those responses always confused me and left me like wtf I'm dumb for feeling upset but I'm great but also still dumb but apparently smart enough to figure out how to "move on" and be happy and also still great 🤨
My mother started accusing me of gaslighting when I brought up genuine emotional issues 😂 there wasn't even an accusation in there! I was just explaining my emotional state!
I swear I felt so disrespected, that I finally made the call to become an orphan.
No your mom is right 😂 kidding kidding that’s so sad though 😢
The most important takeaway from this video for me was that I identified some of my own behaviours in one of these examples. It’s something I can work on now that I have a bit more self awareness about it.
I sincerely commend you for being able to recognize and admit this to yourself.
Same
That’s absolutely amazing! I did that before we decided to homeschool. I decided to get myself together first because I knew it was a huge commitment. I asked her to be open with me about her struggles with school and our relationship as parents. It opened my eyes to how I dropped the ball! I prayed made changes and she’s a happy child now.
@@Laswm4950 I've been homeschooling my kids for the last four years or so. That probably would have been a great idea for me, to send them to school so I could work on things. As much as it sucks, I might not be able to see my issues if I hadn't stayed the course with homeschooling. Kudos to you for taking care of yourself so can take care of your daughter!!! 🤗🤗🤗
Me too
Would like a video on learned defensive mechanisms, like feeling you have to yell to be heard/taken seriously. So hard to break this trigger response.
That’s a really good idea.
I really struggle to not raise my voice or yell when I get talked over.. not to mention my family putting words in my mouth..
Or when they purposely misunderstand me. 😅
Same! Huge trigger that my narc parents and grandma love to use against me to make it all my fault and guilt trip me about it to no end. Instead of acknowledging why I’m angry in the first place, it becomes irrelevant to them as soon as I give in to expressing any emotion. They provoke me on purpose anytime I say something they don’t like by stonewalling & not letting me finish one sentence. I had the patience of a saint I swear lol the last time my grandma did this, I let her stop me from speaking at least 10 times before i lost it. Then she smirked and said “oh wow look at how emotional you are.” I was so excited to try the grey rock method during new years dinner with my mom & grandma (before I realized my grandmother is an even worse narc than my mom). I recorded the whole thing just to be safe since my mom always denies things she said or did and I’m donzoo with letting her get away with it. The ruminating is rough from that dinner, it was insane how the tables got turned on me when I did and said literally nothing wrong. So many malicious assumptions and judgements about everything. My dad is an even worse narc than them. So wish me luck on this no contact, eventually maybe gray rock thing! Boy oh boy
Every holiday get together I was the one screaming at my dad. It was so painful being in his presence. Little did I know that my mom was just as hateful, she hid it well.
Yep I'm too emotional. After what feels like 1000 times of explaining what you feel, telling them what you need and spelling it out
This hits me hard. I talk to my parents in a mild and calm manner but they don't give a single fck on what I say. When I increase the volume of my voice they think that I'm being disrespectful to them. I end up not talking to them. It's so frustrating that I end up doing this to others.
Avoidant. My parents hate problems. When I stated setting boundaries and it became uncomfortable for them, my mom said to me „they worry about the deteriorating relationship between us because they don’t know what to tell their friends“.
the healthy parent in these RPs always makes me go *"Oh."*
Yeah I always feel like a noobie anthropologist xD
Right
I called my mother when I found out I needed brain surgery. Her response: I hope you don’t expect me to come out there and take care of those kids! Even that moment wasn’t the time I realized I was in a toxic family system. But these role plays really helped.
Holy sh*t ! THAT is cold !!!! I am sad you went through that. I hope your surgery went well ?!
Take care of you.
That's messed up. Long distance hugs bruh.
That seems like a very narcissistic response for a parent to have - I'm so sorry you had to experience that 💔
I feel like that’s exactly something my mom would say, too, if I were in that situation. I’m so sorry. Hugs to you. I hope you are healthy and happy and have the help you need 💕
I had cancer in my 30s and didn't tell my mother for this exact reason.
There is a special place in heaven for therapist
To me the style that resonated the most was the one who turned the conversation back to themselves and said how hard they had things at work. Whenever I asked for compassion from my narc father it was always “well at least you don’t have it as bad as I do (or did.)” Also, the gloom and doom “kick you when you’re already down” parent was something I’ve dealt with from him. It leaves you feeling demoralized and unheard.
Yes, ”kick you when you’re already diwn” feels familiar to me.
Ihaven’t met my parents in years. I lived abroad. I came back some months ago because of the job, nit I haven’t met them. Moving and leaving the city that I loved was heavy. I was griefing. Then my mom calls me and asks, when do I come to see them.
I realised that all those yesrs when I visited them and left away crying, because my mom had said something very mean again, or started a fight and blamed me (because she cannot be still and in peace more than two says. She needs drama and creates it!). I wondered, how can she want me to visit them when it is always so heavy and ends badly?
Oh, then I realised: Her experience is not my experience. When I visited her, she had a scapegoat in her hands and of course, when she gets the scapegoat she can feel good about herself. Of course she ”misses” me! Ready to stick me with the sword. Ready rep me down, mock me, invalidate me! Of course, after that she feels herself so clever and wonderful and how I feel does not matter or is just a new reason to laugh at me: Oh, you take it so seriously! You are too (this and that) ...”
I've dealt with my parents... by telling them theyre narcissist aholes and warning them they dont get away with it. I told him I'm gonna take a shit on his grave. I have developed into "the vigilante".
I always got the devils advocate or compared to my sibling. I was always “wrong” or undeserving of compassion, no matter what. I grew up feeling ashamed and unimportant.
Mine is the same . If l say anything about how hard l am finding something she says something like..”there’s a lot of people worse off that’s you”, “you should count yourself lucky, your never happy are you” ..
Your videos are SO helpful. As a 63 year old mother of grown children that have their own families, I don’t want to be the pain in the ass mother! I was so traumatized from my childhood and didn’t even realize that I would sometimes say and do the wrong things. I am still learning on how to be a better person!
I believe we are all trying to be and do better than what each of us grew up with. The first step is recognising it. ❤
My mom also messed up some stuff with us, but the important thing is she is very loving, always wants the best for us, and was/is NEVER malicious. She always accepted that we were people different from her and fought like hell not to do the abusive shit her mom did to her.
I've seen my narc/histrionic emotionally abusive gramma in action and heard horror stories of grampa drinking the rent money.
My mom is a super-hero who came out of her childhood ONLY as a ball of anxiety who is neurotic about money.
I'm very proud of her, even though her trauma throws up speed bumps upon occasion.
I give you jedi hugs if you want them and hope your kids see the same awesome in you that I see my mom ❤❤❤
All of these happened with my parents. For years they would complain that I'm "so mysterious" and I act like the rest of the family doesn't exist. But it's because they did these things every time I went to them for help. As s child and student I needed guidance and they showed me that I was problematic or my issues did not matter. Validation only came if I did something that made them look good. So I just learned to not seek validation and to work out issues on my own. To this day, if I try to come to them about things, they either make it about them, about my brother, or tell me to go away and stop "hasseling".
Same nobody gave a shit about me until i got out the situation and did better for the family, then they come around acting like they are so important. Im out of the traumatic enviroment and my siblings are safe so the important stuff that nobody wanted to help me deal with is being taken care of. People acted like i didnt exist when i needed the most help. I ignore them now and expect them to ignore me and im more stable than ever.
Wow, this is exactly me. I am still accused of being "so secretive" and my mom till this day is pushing the narrative that "I don't care about family," when in reality my family invalidates my life because I'm not married and I don't have kids. How I live my life doesn't reflect their choices, so my life is nothing compared to my siblings. It's incredibly insane. Distance has only made me stronger and I realized that even from a young age, I was protecting myself. Thank God for therapists and UA-cam.
There should be an example of the panic parent. It’s similar to doom. I felt my parents would react so crazy I learned to avoid the extra stress, just deal with it on my own. I also see how I’ve invalidated my husband at times. I have to get better ❤️
Yeah, my mom is one step past the doom parent in into full-on panic parenting, where she ends up freaking out about or crying and blaming herself for all my problems instead of just letting me talk about things and giving any kind of comfort.
By the end of the conversation I have a whole new checklist of things to be stressed out over and worry about and if I don't do all the things she suggests and report back to her, she'll start checking in for like, progress reports basically saying "have you done the thing yet??? oh god do the thing quickly or else something even worse will happen!"
She's genuinely trying to help but the thing i was originally stressed about gets pushed to the back burner in favour of some new fresh stress and then none of it gets dealt with and it becomes all my fault somehow;
Not only the stressful things in my life, but also the stress I'm causing *her* by not having my life together and "making her worry about me"
I love her, she's doing her best, but she's also a trauma survivor and absolutely no help in these situations
I saw myself a little bit in a couple of them. I've upset my child, and I didn't get it. I'm so happy that he gave the correct validation. I see my errors and I'm going to work on it! ♥️
This isn't just my parents, this isn't just my family, other relationships, friendships, it's damn near everyone I've ever been in contact with my whole existence. I've heard all these. I can't easily go no contact with the whole planet. I always try to be there for other people and listen.
Same sentiments....the whole world need recovery, and true and sincere worship of the Lord to get slapped with the HUMILITY STICK to be honest an open to correction and change. It's always us - the hard working one that accepts the crap..and when we buck the system, we still can't win, and it's lonely
I have gone no contact with the world. Lol. I can’t stand it anymore and how a lot of people think it is okay to just be cruel.
I mean, I don't like to suggest spirituality but if you feel like the whole world's like that. For me believing and praying to God always helped me. I mean, if you believe in an empathetic, loving and caring God it helps. Then you don't gotta depend on people ya know?
Right? My therapist does #6 all the time but she also validates me at the same time too lol
In my experience, the healthy friends will adjust their response if you point out that they're doing one of these and you wanted/needed them to listen.
I'm so tired of this dynamic. I feel like an orphan. I can't rely on these people for anything. I'm at a point where I don't even know what to do anymore.
So sorry for you! I can relate to the not knowing what to do anymore and feeling like an orphan. Don’t know if it helps for someone else to relate, but God help us both to find the way through this mess of our family dynamics. 😢💕
Don't rely on them. They're not reliable.
Myosotis: congrats! You figured it out in your 3rd sentence. It really is tiring, I agree with you. But, you have a self-care task ahead of you now. The need for validation won't go away. What about turning to a friend, or doing some group therapy. Put your energy there, sweetheart, you are worth it.
Sometimes I wish I was an orphan too, that way it would at least make sense why my parents aren't there for me.
@@inferiorinferno8859 so true, I am so sad for you, dear. If it's any comfort, there are lots of us with that same feeling.
I could never put my finger on why I felt so uncomfortable talking on the phone to one of my parents and you totally hit the nail on the head with the “Lets make it worse for you, live in my doom” parent. Like I was shooting for comfort and validation here, not to totally sprial and feel like I’m stressing THEM out with my problem. Then they wonder why I don’t confide in them anymore.
Having immigrant parents always be dismissive and invalidating towards my feelings has always been very difficult for me to open up emotionally to anyone because they would always say that "their lives were much harder where they came from and that I should be grateful I was born in the USA" so I "have no right to complain" etc. Their guilt tripping didn't help at all. It's as if somehow everything bad that happens to me is my fault simply for being born in a different country under different circumstances.
I know right
I'm third generation American, so it's not just immigrant parents. It's ingrained. I partly see what they are saying though but it's not "America"...it's the damn addiction to technology we have in 'developed' countries. Don't feel bad, the gaslighting is not just in your family. And you can always tell them "you should have not moved here then! YOU set ME up"...but that's not correct. Just take the blessings of being here, give thanks and be and do better
Same! My family does that to me too.
1st Gen here and I agree. My parents and grandmother dealt with "real" problems, life and death situations so I understood from a young age that they'd never understand me or my feelings so I could never go to them for support or validation. I became that overly needy friend as a teen but suffered so many serious abusive situations that my "normal" friends would be shocked into silence when I'd open up to them. Now, 30 years later, I'm slowly starting to deal with so many long-buried situations that I'm finally ready to tackle. Watching videos like this help me to see what healthy vs unhealthy looks like and has been quite eye-opening for me. Thank you.
Having a hard life DOES NOT make it okay to give OTHERS a hard life.
My dad never takes my side. Everything is always a "learning experience” for ME according to him, but never for himself. He only apologizes for anything he does wrong if there is CONCRETE EVIDENCE of him having messed up, and even then it’s worded like “I’m sorry you felt that way about what I said or did”. My mom on the other hand isn’t toxic but about 60% of the time it’s “I’m busy, can’t talk right now”. Other than that she’s perfectly fine. As for my dad, I barely talk with him anymore. My mom hates that, but she sees nothing wrong with my dad even though she’s somehow pretty good about validating my feelings about him.
I wish I didn't relate to this. Hugs. You're not alone
I couldn't pick out any of the negative types as one I specifically experienced, they each had elements that were present in most of our conversations. But when you showed the healthy form of validation, it gave me second-hand peace because it felt so good just to hear somebody speak like that.
Though I couldn't pick out a negative, there was a distinct lack of the positive, which was refreshing to hear for once in this video.
You might find it usefull to look at Dr Jonice Webbs book 'Running on Empty'.
This helps me. Your helping alot of people. I've been on both sides of needing validation and not having validation to give
Life is tough.
I think I'll try to be the good parent It's helpful information!
If I came to a parent with a concern they told me go away, you talk too much....shoot, it just made me mad
So as an adult I forgoed the " attempts to discuss" as an adult I go to angry first and just kick stuff and yell. I know I know....
You know...I always knew that my parents weren't the best growing up, especially my dad, but the roleplay scenarios were so REAL for me. I related to at least 1 thing in each unhealthy scenario. It's very encouraging to finally feel validated by SOMEONE, even if it's someone on the internet. Thank you, Patrick, for your videos. You have no idea how much help your videos have given me, and I just found your channel a few days ago.
holy crap, "I've been telling you this since you were six" actually make me so mad I had to take several breaths to remind myself it's a skit. My ENTIRE 27 years on this earth my father has been saying "I told you this" "I always say this" "nobody listens" . Never ONCE has he validated any of my struggles. I went to him crying one time, a complete break down from having an anxiety attack because I was told I needed to work at another location the next day and I had no idea how to reach and he just told me to go work and then recounted how terrible he had it growing up. I'm so happy people younger than me have your videos to watch so they can work on the issues their parents brought onto them.
My mother’s typical response: “You act like you’re the only one who has stress in their life!” Does that fall into more than one of these categories?
Thank you, this was so eye-opening and helpful. 🙏
Yeah did you watch the video? It's the one that made it s suffering competition
Mine says similar stuff. "You don't care about what *I* go through!" Like, honestly, no I don't. Bc when I say that the US government is causing safety issues for me and my loved ones, and that I'm scared they will take away my access to any medical or mental health care forcibly for being myself, you respond by saying that you're "grieving" over me not being the person you expected me to be. Which was never my job to be lol
I vividly remember my parents watching stuff on TV and being like "Ha! So now I hear children can feel sTrESsEd too, they don't even know the half of it, ha! Stressed children, what is this shit" - my abusive narcissistic father who constantly put the family under stress.
Lol same
Oh man, this is the first time I've seen that specific phrase, "What do you want me to do about it?!" in connection with less than healthy parent/child relationship. That was my mother's go-to phrase. I can still hear her voice saying it. I always *felt* like it was hurtful, and I remember being little and saying I just wanted her to listen. She would tell me that I was welcome to talk, but she didn't know what good it would do. And she was always in the middle of some project she was unable to stop for a moment, and of course, if I went on for longer than she cared for, she would invite me to stop and go away. I rarely went to her for emotional anything, but she was all I had. It helps me so much to understand that this may have been more of an inadequacy on her part, rather than an inadequacy on mine. I thought I was just needy, stupid, and in the way.
Painful to watch these re-enactments. For my mother, everything was about her; no matter how bad someone else had it, she had it worse. Every job I got, she told me I was lucky to have it, every boyfriend - I was lucky to get him. To the end of my life I will never forgive her for siding with my abusive husband, telling me I was exaggerating or over-reacting. I’ve always felt guilty for “bothering” others with my problems, and afterwards always feel ashamed for having done so.
Good video - thank you.
This video was quite an eye opener. I didn’t realize how often one of my parents would always throw stuff back at me saying “well that’s how life is, you don’t just get everything handed to you”, and “it’s not called work for nothing”, or “work is a four letter word”. I was extremely struggling at work mentally and I resonate with the scenario that gets angry/blows up. I would love to see a video explaining this more, and tips to help calm down once a trigger happens.
When I try to bring something up to my mother about a behavior of someone or something that happened whether it's a family member or friend. Her go to us well everybody's grown everybody can do whatever they want. And it's like that's not the response for this conversation right now. So I know certain things to not talk to her about. I'm very surface with my mother now. I don't talk about anything deep with her because she is not supportive. She was never supportive.
She's always asking me how's married life, how are things with you and your husband? I'm just very surface with her. Everything's great. I have nothing to complain about. Which is really the truth. But if I need help I go to my aunt which is not her sister thank God.
@@tinaf600 I think I have to start being surface too. the invalidation is too much!
@@elliea8868 you have to protect your emotions.
being seen, validated & on the "right" side of things could literally mean life or death for some kids in an abusive family, so it is very triggering when we experience that neglect / abandonment / disinterest from others later in life..
In Chanel Miller's memoir, she breaks down crying telling her mother about her sexual assault, and her mother leaps forth and hugs her, saying "mommy's not mad mommy's just scared." It sets something in me off every time because my mother would just treat me crying as ME being manipulative. Its like... Why does she get a good mother? Or, there's no way her mother is that good.
I am so sorry about that Brianna! You deserve a loving mother who is there for you no matter what. I really feel what you are saying on a deep level. After I recently told my mother that I was a victim of sexual violence by my neighbor…the first thing she told me was that it wouldn’t have happened had I not opened the door to him. :/ ever since then she has just let me deal with it all on my own…the nightmares…suicidal thoughts and everything. It is devastating to not have a supportive mother. I am so sorry about that.
@@athenasuperheldin1017 Im so sorry to hear that, Athena! You surely deserve to be treated with abundant love, respect, care and compassion! I'm sorry that your mother couldn't give it to you in such a delicate moment!
I just wanted to tell you that HE WAS A PREDATOR and I'm sure he planned it all.
He knew you would open the door, love, he was counting on it... And it's a pain that sometimes people behave as if rape isn't a planned thing, as if all of sudden a rapist would just go like: "oh, i'm having the violence urge and it must be now".
THEY EFFING PLAN EVERYTHING!! Even if they were just doing something else and then suddenly the victim was vulnerable, THEY CALCULATE how safe it is FOR THEM to be criminal - there is at least minimal thinking and planning on it, therefore it could never, ever, ever, EVER be your fault that he did what he did!
You're a survivor and he's a criminal. The only person who could "prevent" the crime was him, cause he chose to do what he did.
@Brianna Gravely My mother did exactly that when I told her that my cousin was sexually abusing me. I was 11 and she replied "I know you are a very good liar and very manipulative".
@@wisecoconut5 that makes me unspeakably angry. What a piece of sh*t. I'm so sorry.
What you said about “achiness” really spoke to me. This undefinable “ache” that you feel in your body.
Did he say "ache" or "ick" ? I thought I heard "icky-ness"
Hi Andrew. Could this ache also be called a gnawing no name anxiety. That’s what I feel.
@@desertsage7 I thought it was ick too. Like you've overshared and feel bad about it now
@@BraidedLady feels kinda like a pressure leak that you're desperately trying stop...
Also I think it’s worth mentioning that today my 16 year (who is visiting my parents in GA for the summer) called me complaining about work. It’s her first job ever and she’s very disappointed in how it’s going. I’m happy to say that I handled it like a healthy parent. To be a loving and supportive parent is my chief goal in life.
Go mama bear!❤
What about changing the topic really quick? Like, if you go to them specifically to get some advice about something you've really been struggling with, they say some generic thing like "oh that sounds hard" and then spends the rest of the call talking about themselves or other aspects of your life that isn't so confronting (it might even be the weather). I guess it's most similar to 6) disorganized attention seeking, except a lot of the time it doesn't feel like they're attention seeking because they're still talking about your life, just parts of your life that they're more comfortable talking about.
Yes, it's a form of distraction. Anything to devalue your concerns and talk about anything else but you. I'm sorry you went through that too.
Maybe they are just not coping well with genuine distress? After all most parents are not trained counsellors. Or maybe they think it is better for you to focus on other things?
That is my Father!
Yeah because our stuff doesn’t matter. My father turns everything into a conversation about him and what he did or does. But then wonders why I don’t call.
yes this is what happens to me! literally just changes the entire subject. I don’t even want to keep trying to talk to this person about anything personal. and I don’t think I should. I just get hurt every time.
Even though I resonate with ALL of them growing up, I’m scared to admit that I myself do one or two of these to my loved ones. Right now I feel triggered, like, a veil has been removed from my eyes. I can’t believe I am repeating the same thing that hurts me. These awareness is something I needed right now. Thank you so much Patrick.
Also, there’s a type missing, the one when the person listening to you is stone-face while you’re talking, almost like they are getting distracted in their own minds, without even looking at you, just past you.
My mother in law did this to a lady that was her peer-not to me bc I have never expected anyone to listen to my problems. They don’t disappoint.
It can be upsetting to realize you’ve been hurting people (I know i’m sometimes guilty of being like the people in his roleplays) but I like to reframe it as “well now I know, and I have the chance to not hurt anyone again!”. When I think of it that way, I’m not so hard on myself and I actually get to be _excited_ at the idea of being a better person :)
Wow, great insight! This is very true! I have a friend who often doesn't respond at all! Sometimes I'm not even sure she's on the phone!
I thought he said it…he called it the “blank expression” I believe.
It is unbelievably painful. I’ve said it would be better to talk to a wall than a person with that expression.
Please be gentle to yourself about you repeating some of those things…you weren’t taught how to validate. Now you’re learning and can find ways of healing and implementing new ways!
I wish you healing, peace, and healthy relationships…especially with yourself.💫
hearing the "i get no help from anyone, that's the story of my life." OH MY GOD. I'VE HEARD THAT VERBATIM FOR SO LONG. i never tied it to the whole suffering and victim complex thing. i generally don't hear it in combat to when i say my struggles, thank god, but i still just hear that being thrown around in a "woe is me, but look i'm so strong for making my way when no one cared about me" 20x over.
Oddly, I can relate to the "I get no help from anyone" thing. No one really helps me and I have to take care of everything myself. This is one reason I trust no one.
You might end up saying it one day, too, since it seems to be a product of C-PTSD.
This video resonated with me. I feel like an ass now because I realize I dont always validate my adult sister's feelings. I also learned that I avoid or power through because that's what I did in childhood. I laughed when you talked about how you work better on your own than an office environment because I can relate. Last I want to give you a hug of appreciation for all you do to help me/us. Much respect.
I spent some time in a mental hospital recently. And when I came out my mom had this conversation with me where she told me that what I did was selfish and she was so devastated. Totally ignoring that I had needs at that time. Lol
Shows she is not healthy! Try hard to stivk close to the truth, there is something called crazy-making, and that is a real thing, and it is always deceptive and full of lies and insinuations. Be analytic and stick to the truth in your mind. Because you were not selfish, they don't allow you in a hospital if you are not in need of it. It seems obvious your mother is not reliable, so don't automatically trust her words. Really: don't do it.
I hate it when people can't stop making everything about themselves and stop steeping in the front of other people feelings, problems and issues
I’m so sorry . That must have been very painful
@@KBArchery thank you 🙏
Wow the “let’s live in doom like me” one got me. I never realised why I got so angry when my mum would respond like this. I felt bad because on the surface I was like “she cares and is worried, why am I filled with so much rage?”. It’s because her responses always left me feeling even more anxious about the situation.
10:30 spooky how even the facial expression of the toxic parent reminds me of my mom :) Patrick really has a gift for acting
That was painful to watch. That look that says, "I'm not taking you seriously. I'm just going to raise my brows like I think you're stupid and and don't empathize with you feeling bad and I'm going to take the side of people who hurt you."
I didn't see this as one of the 7 types, but one of the things my parents would do is go into "control" mode and tell me exactly what to do instead of listening, validating my feelings, and being open to multiple solutions. If I said I didn't want to do that, they'd spend the rest of the time arguing with me about how I was utterly wrong and so I felt both unheard and shamed at the same time.
Oh yes! That’s soooo annoying. I’m dealing with that from a friend. So egotistical.
I remember one time as a young adult I was going oversees. One day my mom told me I was not going. At that time I was having second thoughts, but when she tried to tell me what to do, it pushed me into leaving anyway.
My parents were so busy with their own issues, messed up marriage, dad's affairs, messed up finances, my mom's depression that I knew they didn't have the capacity to deal with my issues. I grew up priding myself on needing little to no validation. Well, I think I suppressed my need for validation even though deep down I was desperate for it. I learnt to pretend I did not need it and I shamed people who showed that they needed it by labelling as weak in my head.
It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it? Realizing what my mom did wrong makes me realize what I am now doing wrong because of it. I'm glad I never had kids, because I'd have screwed them up just as bad.
I'm not sure which one my mother was. She was not good at just being present. She would immediately go to trying to fix or solve the situation often from a place of having an extreme aversion to my discomfort or unhappiness and taking the emotion on as her own (and having very little distress tolerance herself). Interestingly enough, the immediate attempts at trying to fix or solve the situation for me often left me feeling very unseen and unheard. If I wasn't quickly satisfied by her suggestions, she would often feel hurt/rejected and disengage completely. I would end up feeling guilty either way. I am now someone who struggles with being vulnerable with others. I hate asking for help of any kind because I have a big subconscious fear of being a burden.
Yes! I so relate to this
😑 this is my mother exactly too. i try not to go to her about my feelings anymore. even if im fine and doing well, she says stuff like, "ohh im SO glad i have SUCH a responsible daughter blahblahblah..." its like, great thanks for being so patronizing. can i just talk to you now? ugh.
Thank you for writing this out so well, because this is exactly EXACTLY me and my mother and I’ve never been able to put it into words, because it’s so innate to me. I really thought that was normal as could be for basically my entire life, and couldn’t understand myself and my adverse reactions to it, or why I still felt unseen when she was coming up with all these solutions as a way to cope with her own emotions and discomfort. Really, thank you so much ❤️
*I get that. Sometimes my mum gets mad at me when I tell her I'd just like to finish venting, because she keeps interrupting me with "solutions". I not only don't see these as workable solutions but she acts like I wanted advice when I only just wanted to vent. Then she'll either say she's too busy to do this, she's in too much pain to talk, or some other thing.*
Thank you for sharing. Your statement of “she was not good at just being present”. That’s how I felt as a child with my mother. She was just gone.
This roleplay was so accurate to my own life it's almost uncanny. Didn't expect to hit me quite so hard.
I've struggled since I was born in socializing with my peers, always had issues with loud noises, harsh lights, artificial scents and sudden changes of plans. This all spiraled into crippling anxiety and depression. My family for as long as I can remember always told me that I was perfect, that there is nothing wrong me, that I was just too cought up in my head and I needed to power through it. That I was just being weak.
Right now I'm 27 years old, and I have been recently diagnosed with Asperger.
I don't plan on telling them ever. I'm not sure they would believe me.
I have the most invalidating mother and it drives me wild to the point where I just stare and wonder how she manages to be so negative. Every single time she sees me, comes to my house, sees my kids, etc., she has some sort of harsh criticism. It's usually very simple things that she exaggerates and finds issue with (e.g. my Christmas decorations aren't gender considerate, my children's shoes stink, my pantry needs organizing, etc.). It's so annoying because she doesn't do it to anyone else and they live subpar lifestyles, but ME...I'm the target of her invalidation constantly. She also makes sure she does it in front of my siblings and includes them on the shame game. So stressful! Today I told her I didn't care what she had to say, and she responded by saying OKAY, BYE!
These videos are so hard for me to watch. I appreciate you always reminding me i can take a break whenever i need to.
Agreed! I’m so proud of you for pushing through (healthily ❤️) to heal yourself from the trauma you’ve grown up with. You are so strong! You’ve got this!
I have to take breaks - things that have alot of value can be hard for me to process, so I go outside and breathe.
@@sage9836 that is a brilliant way to reset! Thank you for the idea ❤️
I know, I can relate. Hugs to you.
They are for me too. I'm also sad that so many others went through these types of scenarios too.
I still remember the time I got into a heated argument with my parents over how I should be writing my resume and cover letters. My mom was practically demanding that I write mine based on my dad's advice despite the fact that we were in completely different fields and that his advice went against everything I had previously been told by career advisors at my university campus and online. My dad was livid at what he viewed as my stubborn defiance of his authority. They would not even consider outside opinions on the matter...it was his way or the highway.
And let's not even get into the many times they dismissed me when I opened up about my depression and their unwitting enforcement of the mental health taboo within Chinese culture.
Does Chinese culture hold mental health issues to be outside reality or just that it is embarrassing and should be hidden?
My dad wasn't toxic to me (or I didn't think he was) when I was growing up. As I grew older and learned more about the world, I started to see that something was wrong about my dad that his siblings and the rest of his family seems to turn a blind eye on. In family reunions, he is pleasant, but at home, when you give him a different opinion on whatever topic he's focused on, he easily gets pissed, deflects, and throws a temper tantrum. He would want us to validate him, but doesn't have the grace and humility enough to validate even his own children.
I've long wanted to move out of our house, but my finances aren't stable enough yet for me to move out. 💔
Please understand- chronic narcissistic abuse severely damages your ability to make decisions, they zap your energy, often truly mess with your health, sleep, eating, cortisol levels chronically high can damage your brain. Complex ptsd in these cases are real, & it is indeed complex. Just be aware we can stay too stunned to move as we get all our blood sucked dry. Good luck doing what you have to do for your well being. Dr Ramani has a lot of good digestible content on UA-cam on the topic of narcissistic abuse, coercive control, & toxic family systems. Most times an example is about a lover, you can easily see the correlations in other relationships as well. It’s a complicated thing no one fully understands. But after binge watching these videos I was finally able to leave with my last strength. Sending a hug 🤍
You are experiencing the beginning of understanding how the narc father has influenced your life. Keep healing!
Were you able to move away?
Watching all of the healthy validation ones just seems foreign and fantasy... like no parents are ACTUALLY like that in my head, I can't comprehend there are parents like that in this world.
It almost seems sickly sweet to me. I realize that that's definitely a good way to parent, but a part of me recoiled when I watched the healthy validation one. It's strange, it's like my mind doesn't even want to believe it's possible to have a parent like that.
I grew up with friends who had parents like this. When I witnessed it I felt like their parents were spoiling them and being too easy on them 🤦 I had no idea what emotional support looked like.
So I was at a friends house watching the Super Bowl and got a little too excited and my friends dad yelled at me. But the shocking thing was he apologized. And I was like why are you apologizing and the next thing I said was I wish you were my parents.
Ooh, that disorganized attention seeking one was a real trip! I actually got a little panicky while listening to your character try to recall the name of the actress. Never heard anyone else spell it out like that before. I learn so much from your videos.
Yes, I'd love to hear from you on being triggered re:giving validation. It's something I've struggled with myself, not to mention that I grew up with a father who intermittently viewed me as a therapist and surrogate spouse. I feel like that dynamic has made it very hard for me to learn how to validate others in a healthy way.
I second the giving validation video!! Please! I also struggle with giving.
I am so bad at giving validation too and just engaging with others in a healthy way. I get perceived as argumentative when to me I'm just talking and trying to have a conversation because that's the only engagement I got as a kid was arguing.
Thirded…
“Bacon carrots” that’s my word. I went through similar to you but I remember finally realizing there was a serious problem that would take outside help when I was trying to have a serious conversation with my mom, and she’s on her phone and trying to show me FB videos of bacon carrots… like why?
I was that too for my Dad! And I have learned there is a term (emotional incest) for this which is SO unpleasant I likely haven't looked into it much 😔
@@victoriasofitel oh hey! I've looked into emotional incest myself. It was really difficult and I had to go carefully because it'd trigger these intense feelings of shame and disgust whenever I'd make connections back to the way I was treated as a child. It really shaped my sense of self and I feel like I've had to rebuild myself from the ground up. It's a hard aspect of the emotional abuse I got from my father to contend with so I really empathize with you.
I have a PDF of silently seduced on my device and it was almost harder to read about that than it was when I read books like Pete walker's cptsd book and "why does to do that" (tho tbf i haven't finished either of those yet). Yep. It's hard to learn about.
I was told as a young child, by my father, that the reason that I did not have friends was because I had a bad personality. I didn't realize it until now, but ever since then, I have felt like a deeply broken person.
Patrick, I'd love to see a video on triggers around giving validation. My partner has a stressful job working with snarky children, entitled parents of said children, and passive aggressive colleagues. It is sooo triggering for me when he tells me about his workday. I want to be supportive but I think it upsets me more to hear about it than it upsets him to be there.
Same! I realized this not so long ago, I even become passive aggressive to my partner when he needs my support due to stress and anxiety he is feeling (which is often). Having to do caretaking is extremely triggering to me, perhaps because I had to do it so often with my parent, I see it as having to sacrifice my needs "again" to take care of others' emotional needs.. Trying to change this but it's hard to get around my emotional response..
Yup.
That first role play, as he’s talking about the health insurance, I’m thinking ok what alls we gotta do is- write an email to the ceo, Human Resources, copy everyone in the company let them know we’re getting a lawyer, and break the copier.
Apparently, that’s not a sane approach 😂
Even knowing it’s play acting, I felt feelings
Yes, I would love a video on validation and just how to talk about emotions in general!!
Please!!
Yes, please. I have someone close to me that does this every time i need emotional caretaking, and yet I know they are a good decent person.
I remember a time I asked my mom for advice, I was probably in like 6th grade. I told her that I was frustrated and sad because I was having trouble making friends in school. And she didn't even try one of these examples - she said NOTHING. No support, no acknowledgement of my pain. It was never brought up again, and I never asked her for help again. I have a horrible time trying to open up to people because I feel like nobody will care or validate me.
I had the same experience. I have spent my life looking for that friend to no avail. I can't help but wonder if my mom had been more there for me when I was so young if I would have been less needy as an adult. However, I don't think she knew what to do. My therapist told me that my mom did the best she could. This puts me between a rock and a hard place. If only people not equipped to be parents would not have children.
Mine were too busy. No room in their hearts, minds, or schedules for their unplanned child. Was raised to be okay with whatever was best for THEM. To never, EVER ask for anything or need anything. To do my best not to exist. Because I never should have.
7:55 - Explanation of role play scenario
9:40 - The Scenario - The Work Problem (explained)
11:20 - #1 Takes their side (you're the problem)
12:00 - #2 You end up taking care of them. (I"m the real victim)
13:03 - #3 Talks about sibling or someone else (only they matter)
13:55 - #4 What do you want me to do about it? (suffering competition)
14:26 - #5 Let's make it worse for you (live in 'doom' like me)
15:25 -- #6 You're my audience now (disorgnaized attention seeking)
16:50 - #7 Can't right now... busy. (avoidant parenting)
17:23 - What a healthy validation sounds like.
I never got validation from my parents. I interacted with my mom more because my dad was a hardened military man who was so strict I feared him. My mom, however, was manipulative, unloving, and emotionally unavailable. She doesn't tell me she loves me anymore, she told me (on two different occasions) her (and/or) my dad wanted to abort me but "changed their minds," she'd give me permission to go out with friends, but not tell my dad so if he finds out I didn't ask his permission he would lash out at me and she'd never defend me because "they had to have a united front". She is also the same person who told me "I made my bed, now I have to lie in it" when I came to her and my dad when my husband and I were having marriage issues, but we decided to work them out...then told me that she "never want[s] to hear about my marriage issues again" because I chose to work through my issues...
...Yet, people tell me that I am expected to take care of them and love them because they don't realize what they are doing. I can't keep dealing with that shit. My inner child is so buried in emotional and mental trauma idk if I'd ever get her out.
Oooh this just unlocked something in my brain. My mom told me to never talk to her about relationship issues because I would move on and she would never forget or forgive him.
And that’s why I suffered from abuse and didn’t talk to anyone about it. I never wanted anyone to hate my partner if I was just overreacting and we decided to work on things and get over it.
It's scary to think that my parents are almost 6 out of 7 of these examples. I appreciate you bringing awareness to my childhood abuse. For the longest time I was never valued or validated until I met my fiance and I'm still having issues accepting help or advice expecting the same result of my parents.
My mother does several of the unhealthy scenarios.. if I talk to her about issues mostly she just gets angry and tells me she doesn’t know what to say and then brings up how she had it worse.
Well, maybe she did.
@@lunatica9th no she didn’t.. she had 2 loving parents. My father was an abusive alcoholic who abandoned me when I was 7 .. then i had to endure 15 years of dysfunctional stepfather/boyfriends of hers.
@@lunatica9th even if she did... that's not a good way to deal with your CHILD who is going through it right now, she is just invalidating your feelings
@@lunatica9th This video is about how invalidation hurts people. You’re invalidating OP.
@@suoutubez19 I'm not invalidating anyone. When you don't know, you don't know.
I'd love a video about how to shut down the parent doing this, or try to make them realise what they're doing. I often get triggered and hang up, or shut down and stop talking. I'd like to healthily tell them they're not helping and why.
thank you for your videos!
Often times, calling them out won’t do anything. You’re better off just going no contact
@@Abraham-gf1oi yup
I tried doing this many times after I started studying nonviolent communication and I don't recommend it. Each attempt I did ended up with my parents turning the topics on drama (happened most of the times), or making it about them, trying to make me feel guilty for telling it to them, or even the worse answer I got: saying that they would still do it because their attitude turned me into a better person (with lots of trauma, and I wonder... better to whom?). Nowadays I avoid deep communications with them and just talk about shallow topics or listen to their opinion and their lives.
@@beatrizc8617 Wow, I identify with your comments. I too have a superficial relationship with my family for much the same behaviors. I rarely visit them and will not get on the phone with them. No since in screwing up my day over their self absorbed gossipy crap. And it is always all about them and I live a charmed life. LOL (My mother said so.)
me too! Cutting contact with everyone in our lives who’s an invalidator would leave us with no one! Sometimes, people don’t even know they’re doing something wrong.
Wow! I've never heard healthy validation, but I have heard all seven of those invalidating conversations. I finally just stopped sharing anything about myself or my life. Thanks for this role play. It brought into the light what I have been dealing with in the dark.
Thanks Patrick. My biggest problem is therapists I go to never fully get it. They imagine how it is and spew some general advise. So, thank you for your valuable validating work 🙏
I can definitely relate to a lot of these. I don't know this for sure (because we don't talk about it), but I've somewhat concluded that me having problems triggers my parent because it makes them feel powerless, so if there's a way to get me to stop talking about it, it's like the problem has been solved. (I'd definitely be interested in hearing about giving-validation triggers, for both myself and relating to others)
I'd also add as a "golden child" (atypical situation), I often get in response "you'll figure it out, you always do". Like a sign that I'm not supposed to be the one having struggles
Another great video :)
I'm also a "golden child" despite struggling with severe depression. I have to watch my also mentally ill older sibling get berated constantly as the scapegoat for his symptoms of mental illness, while it's assumed I can just "figure things out". There's some sympathy, but an unwillingness to engage unless my mental illness makes my parent upset (because depressed people can ruin a Friday night!) or takes me off the course of my education/career.
My sister who I had to stop seeking support from would ALWAYS say “I’m just being the devil’s advocate” 🙄🙄🙄
I see now that she IS the advocate of the inner demons in my narcissistic mother and other sister.
It’s infuriating trying to explain how this feels. I just had to go no contact with these people bc it was too damaging to keep trying.
I had to go no contact with my siblings. I did not speak with my sister for 3 years and just began emailing. I keep personal stuff to myself. I can hear our parents in her emails when she speaks of certain issues she is going through. I feel bad for her at times, but it is not my duty to heal her.
What my parent likes to do is tell me it's all in my head and I'm imagining the problem. Kinda like the 'siding with them,' one except just acting like I'm grossly overreacting. And then change and just talk about themselves. Thank you for this video, it is extremely helpful, also noticing some tendencies in myself when trying to help other people.
I know this is a word that's become overused and kind of a buzzword, but this is exactly the definition of gaslighting where they're telling you that your problems aren't real and that you're making them up.
They said it’s all in your head and you’re imagining the problem? Yikes! That’s gaslighting. It’s a form of abuse and manipulation by making you feel like you’re crazy.
I have the same experience: I am always just ”imaging” when I catch my mom doing something.
YES same, or the classic, "You're so negative!"