I highly suggest you have a look at the works of the following psychologists: Dr. Gabor Maté on trauma, Dr. Carol Dweck on identity/mindset and Dr. Jordan Peterson on meaning/purpose. These were huge helpers for me. Best wishes
I’m 34 I only recently figured it out after having an opportunity fall into my lap, I’m launching my own company a cannabis logistics service. Next year I want to open a psychedelics wellness center for people with childhood traumas to come in and use Psilocybin another Psychedelics (as well as other serious medical issues) at no charge. I believe I’ve found a way to do it.
Not having our feelings validated as a child leads us to learn that nothing we feel or want is correct, so why would we feel confident making decisions? I'm just starting to dig into this with my own therapist
Awesome. I’m 35 now and getting better myself. Learning how to read my gut. It seemed quite difficult at first but once my emotions started healing I felt better
All of the factors describe my parents so well but what affected me the most was being made to feel like I couldn’t make mistakes. My parents always chastised me. Instead of telling me to learn from them, they’d tell me how I should’ve foreseen the problem or how I should’ve been smarter enough to avoid it. It literally set me up to be scared of making decisions.
I can relate to that a lot. Also my parents come across as perfect they've never made any mistacks just ask them they think they are perfect and can do no wrong.
oh boy, can I relate to this! Here too, grew up in a highly critical environment where I was shown how to do something ONCE, if I was lucky, and I had better not make a mistake after that and if I got hurt then I was stupid and had to suffer in pain because I did something stupid. I look back at those days now and fully comprehend how messed up and neglectful that mindset of parenting (or non parenting) truly was.
Same here. And then one day my dad saw me struggling and said, “You know, not making a decision is also making a decision.” To which I replied, “are you effing kidding me right now?”
This really hit home because I hadn't realised quite how neurotic I was to research things for days/weeks before decisions. At some point enough is enough.
I was on my "lunch break" today...which really meant i was still at work trying to decide what to eat, whether to eat at all, if i did eat where would i go, trying to decide if i wanted to spend money on lunch and if so how much money and how many calories to allow, and if i should drive or walk to the place down the road...for fifteen minutes i was paralyzed over a sandwich... And then i glanced at my phone and saw the title and laughed out loud. Definitely personally targeted.
Idk how your childhood was but I think that comes with a scarcity mindset you grow up with. You think one bad move and it’s over and it’s such a strange thing to discover a lot of people don’t think like that. But it’s freeing because once you realize you can fail and keep moving forward, it gives you the option to fail but keep going knowing it can get better. It can always get worse but it can always get better too. Just wanted to add in.
I make decisions and I always regret them... My fear is that I always regret my decisions no matter how much I tried to make the right decision... I always think the "other" decision was the correct one
I feel you. First, it's hard to take a decision and I get obsessed and anxious about all possible outcomes. When I'm fed up with feeling anxious, I take an almost "forced" decision just to take a decision already. When I've finally decided, the outcome isn't what I was expecting when I did my calculations, so I feel bad because my neurotic self is like " it could be better ". And it's like that always, it's never enough. I never feel enough or completely satisfied with what I decide or accomplish because it could be better. I could be better.
I am the same. I went back to school late in life to be a social worker but chose the program poorly. And i was ill equipped to work in that field due to my mental health and isolation. Never got any training to actually work with people. I wasted so much time and money. I feel doomed to bad decisions.
I find myself weighing pros and cons of each choice but after just making a decision that was like pulling teeth to make, I realize I have overlooked crucial parts and I rI gret the decisuon and keep mulling that part over and over. Then thinking oh what if I change my mind again. But often people get fed up with that. I wish I could be more care free at making decisions and take whatever the outcome is and not let it consume me.
I learned through therapeutic process to practice that every time I made a good decision I acknowledged myself with "good decision,way to go"and sat with it= experienced satisfaction
I recently was making the big decision on how to purchase an iPad because I want to continue my education and I thought it would be a good tool to assist in courses. I kept talking about it with my partner for months, going back and forth over if I should, and when I finally made a decision to buy it for weeks I kept asking my partner’s opinion on which deal was better. We had a full blow up about it because my indecision and need for constant reassurance had overwhelmed him. I wound up crying andhaving a breakdown, explaining that I felt guilty and selfish for spending so much money on myself and him blowing up at me reminded me of when I’d look to my mother for reassurance and was met with disinterest, or she acted like she didn’t want to deal with whatever emotion I was feeling. We talked and things were fine between my partner and I. I ended up making a decision and am watching this video/making this comment on my 1 month old newly purchased iPad.
It wasn't just childhood trauma for me. Yes, that caused me to be incredibly insecure, indecisive and fearful of regret, but what really hammered it down was that in adulthood, the doom scenarios for decisions always actually played out. And sometimes there weren't even doom scenarios in my head, but things still turned out badly in ways I hadn't even imagined. Most of the decisions I have made in life have had such horrible outcomes and terrible consequences that I just no longer trust my own judgment and am more frozen than ever. My childhood laid the foundation, but adulthood seems to have cemented it. I'm not sure how one crawl out of that hole.
I've found getting back in touch with "myself" or my feelings has helped me overcome this somewhat. Doing that means accepting feelings , even painful ones, and accepting that bad things happen in life no matter how well we make decisions. The bad feelings that come up from accepting that will pass!! Way quicker if you embrace and accept the situation, rather than fear what it means to fail or whatever may happen
I can relate. It really is a direct result of the childhood tho. And boy did my narc parents use it against me also. May as well tattoo a giant L on my forehead by now according to them. But fact is they decided that was how they’d see me from a very young age. But later I connected the dots and could see a lot more cause and effect. We do not magically just “know” all these things when we become an adult. It was all the things they never taught us or taught us wrong and they’re still all up in our heads and even in our bodies affecting everything we do to this day.
Have you ever watched the show Being Erica? (You can find it on UA-cam) It’s a show about a 30’ish single woman who feels like she’s not where she should be in life due to all of her bad decisions. She stumbles onto a *magical* therapist who can send her back in time to events she thinks were pivotal to fix her list of regrets. By experiencing the circumstances again with adult eyes she is able to see more sides to the situation than she could the first time she lived it and she brings that insight with her back in present day. I still struggle with regrets and decision making sometimes but I have gone back to that show time and again because it’s so helpful and validating.
It is hard and almost always end up feeling like there was a better choice (a more responsable one) and start feeling afraid of the consequences as if it were life or death situations
you've helped me by FAR more than any of the 20-30 therapists/psychiatrists I've had in the past decade. thank you for posting these videos and i truly hope that you have someone for you that grounds you as much as you've grounded me (and many other people)
I’ve had this thought too many times, I’ve personally realized that why not push to make your life the way you want now. What feelings did you want to feel that you missed out on? Can u replicate it in the now? It is really sad though. Our innocence was taken from us too soon. You aren’t alone!
Looking forward to this one. Age 60+, I realize only now how practiced I am in the art of feeling stuck. Want to unlearn my habitual feeling of “learned helplessness” before I’m too much older- - it’s getting old!…even if I feel less so!
I feel your pain. I agonize over the smallest things sometimes! Not to mention the big ones…and I’m 64. I work on my learned helplessness by doing little things that require asking myself what I REALLY want. Although sometimes I regret my decision, it feels good that I actually made one!
Tell me about it. I’m 35 yrs old & my dad has had to financially support me almost my entire adult life yet, I still cannot identify how to fix this & be self sufficient. I truly feel utterly helpless
I experienced daily ridicule as a child, this video helped me understand that I'm still run by this fear of ridicule and verbal abuse from others. It's what motivates my indecision. Currently rewiring myself to understand that if other people treat me that way, it's THEIR problem and not mine. It's a reflection of them. The next step is learning how to stick up for myself, as I was never defended stuck up for when I got ridiculed. Huge anxiety around this. Thanks again, Patrick 💖
I love and appreciate your more lengthy and in depth videos. Thank you, Patrick. My eyes well up every time I watch these videos. Finally, someone really understands. Finally, someone puts everything into words that I could never articulate, but only feel in my body. Finally, I feel validated and have clarity and have direction out of the fog of confusion, self doubt, and deep pain. Thank you.
Thanks Patrick, excellent material, and on point as usual. The Shame/Control/Security triad as part of the dynamic keeping us stuck resonates. Children who did not get support, or were shamed for a decision they made, or did not have the security of knowing that there was a backup in case something goes wrong, that someone would be there to help....Or not wishing to risk current security by making decision. I all of these elements plays out later in life with decision making.
So spot on. Couldn't agree more. I'm always amazed how spot on these videos are and how validated I feel. So much insight into "what's my problem" (i.e. childhood trauma after effects!) My mouth was practically on the floor when he reviewed the Shame/Control/Security triad.....SOOOO MEEE!
WOW.. Just.. WOW. "if only" I could have experienced this insight and advice when I was 20! Now 56, thinking I am undiagnosed ADD, and going to therapy after trying several different practitioners (wasting 5 years with the first one).. This REALLY spoke to me, and my inner child. My parents were 40 when they had me, and I thought my childhood was trauma free until I understood more about neglect. My physical needs were met, but not the emotional. Otherwise things were stable. I had a childhood friend in poverty, living in a trailer in a junk yard with 4 siblings, an illiterate father and overwhelmed mother. I understood SHE was experiencing trauma.. She had siblings, I was lonely. When I accidentally found "Crappy Childhood Fairy", and her definition of Childhood PTSD identified how I saw myself, I was REALLY confused. But also interested.. The journey began. I am SO grateful for content providers like yourself, who put such valuable tools out there for us (or the algorithm) to find.
It occurs to me that all this can be at the root of procrastination. I've been told that not making a decision is still a decision in itself, with positives and negatives. Thank you for helping me to see I must see the fear at root of indecision clearly to address it. This video is what I needed today and I can't thank you enough for putting this out into the world. There must be so many people it is helping
I don't know how this guy knows me, or seems to understand all this without living it all but, he's actually a person I would maybe trust in therapy....and I trust No One. So glad for these videos. Thank you 😊
This resonates with me big time. I moved from the 'eff it anything goes' attitude when young to paralysing overanalysis as I've gotten older. I understand the mechanism behind it but man is it difficult taking action.
Once I sobered up in my mid twenties I realized I was not actually a free spirited extrovert. I’m actually a highly anxious introvert and perfectionist 😅
In addition to be at the other end of hyper criticism, witnessing one parent hyper criticize the other is also traumatic, causing decisioning paralysis in later life
There’s also the smothering where you can’t try things Bcuz they can’t let you ever scrape your knees. Of course the other parent was ready to thump my head for mistakes and would often “force decide” for me Bcuz I wasn’t doing it as fast as he wanted me to. Of course between codependent mom, alcoholic dad, the narc step father, messed up step siblings... there was so much more. I think for me it’s more like not wanting to fail...or eff it all up...yet again. Like if I do, almost like it’s gonna prove the psychos right about me or something. Working on that I guess. Like constantly reminding myself that failing is just learning. For me I’m “practicing” on the smaller things for now. Taking small chances and letting “wrong” or “imperfect” be ok or just a learning curve. Brilliant what you said tho. So true. Research everything and don’t take a leap which has a way of defeating the whole purpose of even trying. A lot of times I also feel (like you said) lost and like it’s just chaos Bcuz the bus just doesn’t have any wheels anymore. Like I don’t even know where I’m going or where I even want to go. Aimless or like Meh why does this even matter or pessimistic like what good would this ever do anyways?
This shocked me on a physical level. Everything you said was me my entire life. My family jokes about me not being able to make decisions since I was a small child.
I can remember every hit, every punch and threat my father gave me that changed me forever. Crystal clear. Since 2014 i have wanted to create a youtube channel and to this day i still struggle with the decission due to fear. I have seen my channel ideas being done by others and thrive which makes me feel worst. 38 years and counting and I only want to sleep and fade away.
I feel exactly like you. What are we gonna do? We gonna let things beat us? I am attempted to, but ego also rises up. It's sometimes the only thing that saves me from myself. Gets me up from the comfortable darkness I put myself in.
Everyone can make the same video, it’s the person who records it, that’s why we’re watching. Many could relate to you and you and they may never know. I’d suggest seeing a psychiatrist because wanting to sleep and jut fade away is a major sign of depression and is not a normal way to feel so you know something in your brain is imbalanced, which can be helped!! Hope you’re doing well.
For me, I had a mother that would overthink each and every decision (for example, it took her 10 years to decide on a paint color for the main floor of her home and she finally chose beige). When I was growing up, this was incredibly frustrating and tedious - as a result I rebelled against that (and many other things) and have often made some compulsive decisions that have not always been in my best interests.
@@joannsmith3589 yes exactly. Her and all of her siblings are the same. Perfectionists, over thinkers and overachievers. And judgemental as hell to those that aren’t.
@@heyitsme5469 I think there's a factor of each generation accidentally damaging the subsequent I strive to end the cycle, and be self aware and openly communicate to not pass on any more family trauma it ends with me but it is difficult to be compassionate that what my parents did was likely caused because of the pains they had, and how those changed them, and that I must be stronger than they were to not keep passing on issues like they did
As an adult nearing 40, I struggle so so much with this in my daily life, and more painfully, in my professional life. Every example is relatable. Thanks for this. And if you’ve got more on this topic, please cover it.
Totally unrelated to the video, BUT I LOVE Your Background Set-up! I appreciate it so much i want to cry! Seriously! I have seen lots of these therapist-turned-youtubers & People that teach about self-regulation online with Almost NO set-up. Its AS STALE as it gets!😭 It may be because they think it's educational content & a "decorative" BG wouldn't matter But It DOES make a difference! A beautiful BG makes the viewers(AKA ME😭) feel welcomed & Like a safety net where i can process strong emotions! Like An OFFLINE Therapy Space! And yours MAKE A DIFFERENCE! I feel weirdly comforted & its soothing & I AM GRATEFUL for it! So, If You are reading this Just know your efforts are appreciated. Thank you!
5 STARS for your video Patrick, and all the inner work you've done, do, and help others with. You provide real, applicable content with humility and goodness! Thank you.
I've been working on this. I told family this week - it's okay if you chose to misunderstand me. I'm okay with that. -you guys are not very nice to me. It's nice leaving it at that. I'm happy even when they're not the greatest. God is good. Bless you.
This video literally explains me in a nutshell. From having relationships that went on for far too long to the doubt of leaving a job that I know I shouldn’t be in anymore, these are situations that I am currently going through right now. I never really summed up this indecisiveness to start from childhood trauma/neglect. I always told myself that “my life wasn’t so bad compared to others” and that I’m “overreacting” but really I think at this point I feel like I need to start taking the steps to heal myself from past events that lead me to be this way. Also for me I have an issue with letting people take advantage of me or that I’m always “too nice”. I’m currently anticipating the holidays so I’ll have some days off to start applying to other jobs away from home to try to escape my toxic environment.. I hope by making this decision it well help me grow and that the grass will be greener! Thank you so much for this video!
I wonder if you were made to doubt your reactions to things you didn't like as a child? I also have the I'm overreacting part of me, a bit like gaslighting yourself at times because I often not validated for having feelings that were perfectly natural to have given the circumstances
Girl you are me 😭 , I am in this situation where I am in a college major qi don't like and I want to change it but I have already spent 3 years studying it and forcing myself thinking I will love it with time but I did not
@@thirteenth137I did the same thing in college 😂😂 got my bachelors in accounting and have no interest in accounting!! I only liked it because my dad did it for a living and wanted to make him proud. But I’m actually interested in psychology. So I’m back in school for my masters in business to possibly become a manager or HR manager because I like dealing with people. And even going back to school for the MBA, I feel like I rushed it and should have waited because my life is a mess right now.
I’ve had the hardest time with making decisions since I was a child. I don’t know how far back it started but I figured it is because I have issues with control, due to the trauma I’ve experienced. Decisions scare me because it always brings about change and it makes me feel unsafe. I can’t control new things and i try my hardest to prevent myself from making the wrong, unsafe choice. I hate that I always underestimate myself though. I have already proven to handle the most extreme things and yet I still have to convince myself that I can, if the decisions I make go bad.
This video was very eye opening. For most of my life I’ve always had a hard time making decisions for myself with confidence. Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that my parents never thought their child could have. My whole life I was told that I was lazy for doing things last minute or could never decide on anything. Always switching back and forth. This really hurt my self confidence and I find myself always asking for the validation of others in fear of making the “wrong” decision. Big or small decisions like what I want to order for dinner would put me in paralysis. After watching this video, I’ve realized that my trauma not only stems from the experiences I’ve had being undiagnosed with ADHD, but also from the expectations of my parents. I’m the eldest child in my first generation family who’s parents immigrated from another country. The high expectations to be a role model as the oldest brother, as a son, and as a friend led me to always having fear of disappointing someone. Mix this with the financial hardship my parents went through to give me a better life further instilled how by absolute no means should I fail. It’s a battle everyday in my mind that makes me depressed I feel. I am working on it by catching my thoughts and preparing myself to go finally schedule an appointment to see a therapist. Thanks for the video and I hope that those also struggling to come to terms with their trauma eventually find their peace
Thank you for this video Patrick. I would be really interested in seeing some healthy parent-child scenarios. I'm so far away from that experience that I can't even imagine what it would look like. Thank you!
I put this in my watch later playlist and 2 months later finally watching it. 🤣 I have so much trouble making decisions of all types including what to eat, what Music to listen to, what to watch on TV, UA-cam, etc, I end up spending longer thinking about it than doing it 😢
This hit so close to home that I had to pause, save it, and try to watch it later when I have collected myself. I'm trying not to "run away" because I know this will be helpful. Thank you for making this video.
Being spontaneous is a no go for childhood trauma survivors imo. Constantly having to brace for impact got me stuck in a loop of what ifs. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t became my mantra.
Spontaneity is not necessarily the problem. It's knowing what you want, then deciding to act on it. That's the problem. Having a conviction that your needs and wants are valid and to be respected. I can be very spontaneous, but it's been a serious roll of the dice sometimes as it's been really foolish or dangerous.
I think that depends of the "flavour" of your particular trauma. Spontaneity may also be a survival tactic if it allows you to decide on something more trivial to avoid a truly weighty decision.
Oh god, I’m Jill 😳🥺😭 I’m going to need to rewatch this several times because it’s so uncanny how much your description of Jill fits me and my experiences. So much that I felt physically uncomfortable and called out when you accurately identified those core beliefs I currently possess. This is no doubt a huge beacon to help guide my recovery journey, and for that I am so grateful to you, the work you’ve done on yourself and with others to develop these insights, and for sharing it so openly with us here. This gives me a lot of hope that despite what looks to be a long and painful road, that there is a welcoming destination on the end of it.
This was actually really good information!!! I’m getting my degree in Psychology. And I just naturally offer myself therapy and practice pattern interruptions. I definitely see how my mother being a martyr, and I the sacrificial lamb plays a huge role in me trying to have courage to live my own life in my 20s. I’ve relied on other people to give me the courage to leave. But it took me coming back home and being completely alone and with them to fully accept these patterns and not run from them. I have to trust that I’m allowed to do what makes me happy, even if my mother doesn’t know how to do the things that make her feel happy. And prioritizing my well-being. Not being stuck complaining. I noticed that’s something both my parents have in common. And I learned to be a settler. Some call it “adapting”. But that can really be detrimental when it comes to Deciding to leave and create something new in any situation. And feeling guilty for not having the “strength” to stay and overcome. Or just being a flat out victim and feel like external forces are in charge. I feel such a growth in my sense of autonomy and I look forward to growing more. I’m the eldest sister and I’m ready to just…be me. And that’s okay.
"And I learned to be a settler. Some call it “adapting”. But that can really be detrimental when it comes to Deciding to leave and create something new in any situation. And feeling guilty for not having the “strength” to stay and overcome. " Amazing insight! I can totally relate. I have such strong values and principles....such as "loyalty" and integrity...but feel utterly bewildered when trying to unpack if/when my true, authentic values and principles are driving my decisions (or indecisions) or when it's just all the subconscious toxic patterns from traumatic childhood and toxic parenting. The video's hypothetical case study was extremely eye opening and incredibly insightful.
Good timing, I been thinking about this lately. I can be decisive with the small stuff or in my professional life. When comes to the big stuff though, relationship, career and commitments, I struggle. Hanging on too long, and get laid off, instead of being pro-active and finding something on my own terms. Being wishy-washy in a potential relationship, then the opportunity passes. Over-analyzing or picky with a big purchase, then realizing it just wasted a bunch of time. Life ends up making decisions for you.
My problem is the slightly reversed- life makes decisions for me, but they're never all that bad, so I'm convinced that if I keep riding this train, eventually my problems will be solved for me. But then the problems come back because I never actually solved them.
@@NoiseDay The sense is that though things seem okay, you have not been authentic and have not really made your own choices. So in the end, life does not feel right.
Thank you so much for this gem of a video. I'm on a healing journey from hoarding behaviors, and THIS -- problems with making decisions -- is a HUGE part of my hoarding challenges. Inner child work has helped me SO friggin' much ✨ My inner child wasn't taught how to navigate through life. She raised herself in many ways. But I'm gradually gaining confidence in making decisions and INLUDING MY NEEDS in those decisions without feeling "selfish." 😌🙏
Majority of video, I more or less learned that I had difficulty managing well as I got older. But I had no idea why, where it came from. THANK you so much!!!
This was very timely. I am currently ruminating on the decision to wean from nursing my six month old and switching to formula. There are many factors contributing to the difficulty of this decision. I am engaging in all of the unhealthy processes you are describing. I'm extensively researching, desiring everyone around me to give me permission, definitely feeling "stuck", getting determined to make the change and then getting scared and going into resignation, lots of guilt and shame for being "selfish", etc. The hardest part is that there really is no going back. Once I wean my baby, I cannot magically start nursing her again. I am seeing the impact of my neurotic behavior and obsessive thinking on my husband, and my life is very impacted as well. I am currently in the resignation phase of the cycle. I really long for more ease and confidence in decision making with big decisions like this. At the end of the day, it directly impacts my child, and she can't have a voice in the decision. Being a parent has significantly complicated the decision making process for me.
More and more your videos make my life make sense. Still a long way to go, and I've gone so far already. Glad to be on this path and to see everyone in the comments walking their own path as well. I feel strength in not being alone!
This was unbelievably helpful and insightful. Layers to my own mind I never noticed but always existed. I am capable and willing to undergo a restructuring of my mind. Discomfort and confronting fear is something I am willing to work on and with the tools provided I can begin to heal. I can earn the right to be at peace in my own skin and find the strength to stand by choices, no matter how difficult or how scary. Time will tell but I am confident in my ability to be coachable and be able to implement any lesson or slice of advice given. I will be watching this repeatedly and take notes because the desire to improve myself and strive for greatness is genuine. Thank you for taking the time to speak and impart wisdom, I will find a way to honor you all. It is not lost on me the lengths some have gone to help me. Thank you is not enough, I need to improve as a person in order to give those two words the weight I truly want them to have. For now, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so very very very much.
Wow… this was well needed.. my biggest fear in decisionmaking is that I do not trust my own decision because I have never gotten the support to choose for myself.. when I was younger and voiced my dreams and wants, I always got comments from my parents that I was immature, that it was a waste or time and money, and I never ever got a support in my dreams.. the only way for me to get validation was to choose what my parents wanted me to choose… so I have never trusted myself in making decisions because I grew up believing that I cannot make the right decision for me… this led to me suppressing myself. And now when I have grown up, I do understand all these things, but making decision is terriffying
It's amazing what abuse many of us went through. I was never taught anything but criticized constantly. In result, I would just not do anything to avoid being criticized. That resulted in having no life skills and being very dysfunctional when I went out on my own. This led to many years of frustration until I pulled myself out of a deep hole. I'm a lot stronger after figuring out things on my own; however, a decade of confusion could have been a decade of progress if I were taught anything to begin with.
My brother and I were raised by the same parents. I am highly neurotic and traumatized and he is the most well-adjusted person this world has ever seen lol He is 3 years younger. Whatever my parents were doing, it seems that it only affected me negatively. I feel like I will spend my entire life trying to figure out what happened.
I told my mother I might have to move to help my gf's sick father. My mother said "what if you can't get a good job, also I know how anxious getting a new job would make you." Every reason under the sun, she pulled it. Like her dad needs her and they want me to consider just... leaving him alone or leavibg my gf, that's what I heard when she said that. I sort mail for a financial firm. I make decent money considering that, but it just clicked that she's operating from a toxic place and it's kept me stuck in a mail sorting job for literally 15 years. She had my cousin, brother and father call me up to express concern and I could tell by the way my dad reacted she made it sound like I didn't know what I was doing. I told him my plan and within a second he was on board and supportive, so whats her deal? It's weird because, going against her makes me feel shame, but she doesn't directly shame me, she just makes it abundantly clear that this decision is hurtful to her with her tone of voice, but is saying things like "oh you might not be able to do it for xyz reasons" I love my gf and I would never let those messages come between me doing what I can for her in this life. Now I'm wondering: What would my mothers statements look like if I loved myself that much? Would I pick up on more of this behavior?
As a little kid, my dad said I couldn’t go onto my neighbor’s property (I didn’t know why at the time, but found out years later). One day at around 7 or 8 years old, I was rollerblading past their house, and accidentally rolled one foot onto their driveway, and actually had a panic attack thinking my dad would know I disobeyed him and that I’d be in huge trouble.
I think if I had spent my entire childhood living with my dad, I wouldn’t be able to make decisions now. He was the one who got to decide EVERYTHING and if someone tried to decided even a small thing that he didn’t agree with, he would push against that. Luckily I had times in my life where I lived with other family members and even in shelters. Some of those other adults in my life taught me how to make decent decisions for myself. Sometimes I’m a little weird about it though, like I have to over control certain things
Dr. Teahan just read me like a book but I realize this is a process I've been going thru recently so I'm happy to have gotten more insight and guidance, thank you
This is why I eliminate as many decisions as possible... Get the same order at a given restaurant (and choose the same restaurant), have a limited wardrobe, have a set of rules about lots of other choices. Which I suppose is a kind of decision. Haha.
You definitely have risk aversion. What is the worst that could happen if you ordered something else? Are you also avoiding true intimacy in your relationships?
26, I left home at 19 and still trying to get better, I remember not having breakfast for the first few months because I couldn't even decide what I wanted to eat, thanks so much for the content 💖
another kind of childhood trauma is the overbearing parent who made all your decisions for you. then when youre an adult and faced with choices, you freeze.
I'm working through cptsd, & I really needed to have this explained to me. None of the therapists I've been to "to date" have had an understanding of childhood trauma it seems. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this video. Now I can at least begin to work on this part. Keep up the good work!
Thank you. I was indebted and my parents weaponized all their trauma’s onto me. I’m just free of my Dad’s house. I had forgotten childhood, now I understand why. I’m trying for a therapist but people are afraid to work with me, because of the domestic abuse sexual abuse. I was taught to never be okay or my parents would fake suicidal ideation. My Dad is still a sex addict, he went crazy with it after my Mom died. I’m facing the money situation, as my Dad has borrowed 1.5 million against my inheritance. I actually had no true concept of how sick my Dad is. He would occasionally protect me from my Mom. Now I understand not ever being able to create healthy bonds with people. I have done the rescuer, victim, perpetrator cycle over and over again. I just got my brain back online from a c-ptsd attack that lasted 4 years. It’s taken me 3 years to get capable enough to get through the freeze response.
i have struggled with making fast decisions for the smallest of things like what I should get a friend for her birthday and it would take me days and a lot of emotional breakdowns to get to a decision if I did. i have also struggled with choosing a career line and study abroad options. i have seen many videos, may ted talks but I was never satisfied. i think I am now. i did not know my poor decision-making skills came from my childhood trauma of the lack of security. i am very grateful for this video. thanks a lot for helping people who cannot afford therapy sessions!
1:25 that is so me. I think i use this to escape sometimes aswell. It amazes me how long i needed to realize that i do this. It feels like a trap. I cant get out of it at some point and now even notice when i enter. Decisions come with consequences, you can never 100% delete the negatives they could bring.
Mind-blowing stuff. One small piece I would add at the end is that once you do make a decision, check out how it feels. Is your new reality as bad as you imagined it might be? Is it preferable to the stuckness you were experiencing? This doesn't apply only when you feel like you made the right call: even if you feel like you chose badly, is it the end of the world? Of course, in reality we can never know the counterfactual in most cases, so as the Indigo Girls said in their song Watershed, "In the end, every choice is worth your while." Once you start making decisions and moving forward, new doors and new possibilities will open up.
Was totally unaware that I had childhood trauma before watching this video. Truly eye-opening material for me, and will be quite useful when I get therapy in the near future; thank you so much :)
My parents didn’t explicitly direct their anger at me since they had 4 kids total and I was the “responsible & independent” child, but they are just like the dad you first described. Miserable martyrs who trudge through life dissatisfied and depressed. They are religious, as am I, but mental illness has made them hyper-spiritual about every little thing. I’ve realized I have OCD and I’m working to heal alongside trauma work, but the paralyzing anxiety and doubt so easily drowns out any attempt to take initiative in my life as a competent adult.
Finding this channel has been such a good thing in my life, I’m in therapy but my therapist hasn’t been a good fit and I was feeling really depressed about it, stumbling on this channel has really helped me, I’ve been working on my inner dialogue re-examining my thoughts and self and really just taking a step back - thank you so much
This video was meant for me….I’m currently in the process of switching careers..it’s a tough choice but what I really want is this new career. Midway through my required training…I thought maybe it was better to stay at a job that I know I already had experience in. I even did an interview yesterday to get back into my old career…when I got home, I cried to my bf because I did not know why I was sabotaging myself from something I truly wanted. Today I’m continuing my training for my new career. I have no IDEA!! what lies ahead but I’m not going to let my trauma stop me from trying.
Wow, I’m in shock by how profound your message is. Had a lot of aha moments listening to this video. Inner adult thankfully is growing and it’s not this existential horror all the time now. But yes, this thing about that belief if you are happy it will bring misery to other people, that you’ll let them down and bring suffering fml spot on. Other stuff too! Thank you Patrick ❤
It's so weird cuz I was literally struggling and realizing how hard it's been for me to take decisions all my life and how it's affected me, then I see this video right when I opened yt and for some reason I look at the clock 11:11 🤯🤯🤯
Wow. Struggled terribly all my life with decisions. This is the best thing I’ve ever watched on this subject. So much of this resonated with me. Especially ‘if I don’t decide I stay safe’. I definately need some help here. Thanks for making such an excellent video.
I am one of the most indecisive people I've ever known. It's so bad that I usually leave all the decisions up to my husband and when there's decisions that are solely mine I still do whatever he thinks. It is with everything in my life. I cannot even go shopping in person or online. I end up getting overwhelmed and then just don't buy anything. It's very frustrating. I had no idea it could be related to childhood trauma. I had a VERY rocky childhood. This explains a lot.
RISK, REWARD..........if the ultimate reward is safety you will take NO RISK. if the ultimate reward is acceptance you will take no Risk because i could be rejected, if the ultimate reward is CONTROL you will lose control because no one wants to be controlled including yourself. what if the ultimate reward was love and learning and exploration of your potential in relationship with other people who may find value in your contribution then it is WORTH ANY RISK. SUCCESS is RISKY love is RISKY, GROWTH IS VULNERABILITY. if you need to be CERTAIN you can never learn anything because LEARNING IS A MOVEMENT TOWARDS SOMETHING NEW not just processing information.
OMG yes the morose "things never work out for us" attitude tainted ALL of my mother's kids. My sisters have both asked me why it seems that "things always go wrong for us" and we have a "black cloud" that follows us around and I had to hold my tongue to not say "it's trauma, from our mother" because my mother was in earshot. I told them it was more about blaming ourselves for things other people would not, or sticking (indecisively) with a relationship or a project when other people would have given up and move on to something else.
I have this belief that, no matter what I do, where I go, ultimately it will end in some kind of loss, like my mother dying in a car accident on the way to her birthday party, or my father suffering and dying in pain in a hospital as he sunk into dementia and we learned that his wife actually would NOT make decisions that were in his best interest. SO much tragedy. It is extremely difficult for me to expect an alternative outcome, where I get what i want, and it is wonderful and right. I believe that outcome is for other people, not me. We are The Tragedy Family. I dont know how this awareness can help me overcome this issue.
I’m what many people call, “strong willed”. I’m on a never ending roller coaster because I want to try everything life has to offer. I’m in love with life! I can’t stop myself from living this adventure! I grew up in a very controlled environment and now I understand why I set out to explore the life I never had as a child. I’ve got to say, it’s been, a bitter sweet journey but I wouldn’t change a thing, because it’s such an exciting adventure ! “I can always change my mind” has been my motivation!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 I'm fairly far along on my healing journey, but your video hit close to home for me 💯 I know you mentioned you are fully booked, but how would one go about finding a therapist that specializes in trauma?
Learning how to make decisions has been such a challenge! So much of this video rang true. It has been a challenge to learn 'it is okay to make mistakes'. In this step of my journey, I've learned to 'strike when the iron is hot': research all I can, back off when I'm feeling overwhelmed, then actually go through with the action when I'm feeling neutral about it. It isn't a perfect solution: this is just a stepping-stone. Another good strategy I've learned: if my friend is asking what movie I want to watch together or where I want us to go eat, I request that they give me three choices to choose from. This helps my decision fatigue and assures me that the thing I choose is agreeable to them as well.
Like so many others here, i try to research every possibility of the decision path, then get overwhelmed and discouraged and throw myself back into the "prepare" stage. I feel everything has to be perfect before it can be acted on. I can never reach the goal, nor can i live in the moment.
Omg this explains so much. I grew up being told “don’t think, just do what I say and shut up,” and now as an adult I’m so fickle and can’t stick to one decision and always change my mind. It’s crazy how much your milieu shapes who you are. Now to stop being so neurotic and vacillating .
I moved away from home for a job i didnt really want because I was scared what i would do if i couldnt find another job. I told myself i would deal with it for 1-2 years to pay off my debt and then i would go back to school like i wanted. Fast forward to present, 3 years later and I have filled out the applications several times only to change my mind at the last minute like you said. Now i am in this numb place where i convinced myself everything is fine as it is. But genuinely i am not sure what i want anymore. I definitely tend to overthink and obsess over decisions even though there is no way i could know exactly what will happen. I cannot find a therapist near me but these videos have been very helpful. I hope i can find the courage to make these difficult decisions and learn to trust myself again. Thank you.
Figuring out school things without a parent! It was so hard to get help starting early, like even in elementary school. I remember asking for homework help and my dad yelled why am I evening sending you to school if I have to have to help with this shit or something like that. Nuts . And my mom didn’t think she was smart enough to help with ANYTHING .
I'm dealing with shame and control a lot. I would get all sorts of anxieties, sometimes I feel like I developed OCD because of this. I'm always questioning everything and I want to be able to control everything.
This was very helpful, I am in a place in my life where I need to be financially independent but I am so scarred of investing money in a business that I am planning since last year. I belive in it , but I am so scarred to go all in it. I know weather the decision is good or bad life will find its way , but man I am so scarred to fail, specially since I am in my 40s . I will have to muster up courage to go for it. Thank you
I just came upon these videos. As a 23 year old and a mom and going to school and work, Ive struggled to make choices. A lot of it is shaming myself as “you’re lazy, just do it” the other is “if you do it’ll never work”, thank you for these videos.
video came up in my suggested n thought why not? wow u just explained my whole thought process. thank you. thank you so much i’m blessed n grateful to know im able to change this way of thinking.
i didn’t like my job or the people i surrounded myself with in my home town. i met a girl and fell in love and wanted to be with her as she was 2000 miles away. i was scared but i sold my drift car to fund my move and drove alone, 30 hours to somewhere completely new and started a new life with her. we now live together, i got a new job, and on my trip i got to visit the grand canyon and the petrified forest. the risk payed off!
Contempt yes. My mother constantly told me my choices were wrong. Why are you wearing that? What do you think you are doing? You cant possibly know what love is.... all these things. She does it now and I'm almost 50 - but wise to it now and working with my therapist on healing. Also - it was like that in school too, teachers constantly telling me I was wrong, even when I wasnt. I have ADHD (dx 2 yrs ago) and that explains so much but i also know ADHD can come about as a result of trauma. Good thing is I am aware and working on it all.
I'm 42 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Thanks mom and dad.
I highly suggest you have a look at the works of the following psychologists: Dr. Gabor Maté on trauma, Dr. Carol Dweck on identity/mindset and Dr. Jordan Peterson on meaning/purpose. These were huge helpers for me. Best wishes
I’m 34 I only recently figured it out after having an opportunity fall into my lap, I’m launching my own company a cannabis logistics service. Next year I want to open a psychedelics wellness center for people with childhood traumas to come in and use
Psilocybin another Psychedelics (as well as other serious medical issues) at no charge. I believe I’ve found a way to do it.
literally same
Same
This may not have meant to be funny but I chuckled. I'm 34 and relate 100%.
Not having our feelings validated as a child leads us to learn that nothing we feel or want is correct, so why would we feel confident making decisions? I'm just starting to dig into this with my own therapist
Oof, this is so true it hurts.
Awesome. I’m 35 now and getting better myself. Learning how to read my gut. It seemed quite difficult at first but once my emotions started healing I felt better
Same in my adult life.
Yes truth ❤
@@Jo-lp1px Right On!! I've had the same experience as I get clearer! Fun, isn't it!!
All of the factors describe my parents so well but what affected me the most was being made to feel like I couldn’t make mistakes. My parents always chastised me. Instead of telling me to learn from them, they’d tell me how I should’ve foreseen the problem or how I should’ve been smarter enough to avoid it. It literally set me up to be scared of making decisions.
I can relate to that a lot. Also my parents come across as perfect they've never made any mistacks just ask them they think they are perfect and can do no wrong.
oh boy, can I relate to this! Here too, grew up in a highly critical environment where I was shown how to do something ONCE, if I was lucky, and I had better not make a mistake after that and if I got hurt then I was stupid and had to suffer in pain because I did something stupid. I look back at those days now and fully comprehend how messed up and neglectful that mindset of parenting (or non parenting) truly was.
me totally same
i relate so much!!! i feel our parents expected us to be fully formed adults as young children. it made life scary. i am with you
Same here. And then one day my dad saw me struggling and said, “You know, not making a decision is also making a decision.” To which I replied, “are you effing kidding me right now?”
Took 8 months but I finally decided to watch this video.
😂😂 I hate you 😂😂😂
Bro 😂😂😂
I'm glad you're here.
😂
Lol!
This really hit home because I hadn't realised quite how neurotic I was to research things for days/weeks before decisions. At some point enough is enough.
I'm, I still don't have a coffee table after 1 year of living in my house 😅
It has to be perfect 😭
@@amandamccallum9842 I have been here for more than 15 years & still don't have a wardrobe.
@@amandamccallum9842 moved two years ago and I still need furniture items 😭😭😭
Same
Oh my how I can relate! And then I just worry about the decision to make...lol.
Who else felt personally targeted by the title 😂
Targeted? Yea- But in a REALLY GOOD WAY!! The word I'd apply would be Supported cause boy is this an issue I have had. Self-doubt can be crippling.
I feel understood & not a uniquely terrible person. (And I know your comment is made in good humor)
I was on my "lunch break" today...which really meant i was still at work trying to decide what to eat, whether to eat at all, if i did eat where would i go, trying to decide if i wanted to spend money on lunch and if so how much money and how many calories to allow, and if i should drive or walk to the place down the road...for fifteen minutes i was paralyzed over a sandwich... And then i glanced at my phone and saw the title and laughed out loud. Definitely personally targeted.
Im trying to make a decision on weather to reply to your question or not
Me😂
His mentioning “seeing life as one false move that’s finite, that’s forever” really hits home among other things.
This was absolutely my mother's worldview.
Mother 'mommy Dearest' CANCELLED my wedding cake & laughed in Glee when I cried; realizing my Wedding Reception Spoiled ( cruel, Warped mother)!
Idk how your childhood was but I think that comes with a scarcity mindset you grow up with. You think one bad move and it’s over and it’s such a strange thing to discover a lot of people don’t think like that. But it’s freeing because once you realize you can fail and keep moving forward, it gives you the option to fail but keep going knowing it can get better. It can always get worse but it can always get better too. Just wanted to add in.
The false moves are easy to keep track of.....but it's not so easy to count the moves that went well as "wins"
I make decisions and I always regret them... My fear is that I always regret my decisions no matter how much I tried to make the right decision... I always think the "other" decision was the correct one
I feel you.
First, it's hard to take a decision and I get obsessed and anxious about all possible outcomes. When I'm fed up with feeling anxious, I take an almost "forced" decision just to take a decision already. When I've finally decided, the outcome isn't what I was expecting when I did my calculations, so I feel bad because my neurotic self is like " it could be better ".
And it's like that always, it's never enough. I never feel enough or completely satisfied with what I decide or accomplish because it could be better. I could be better.
I am the same. I went back to school late in life to be a social worker but chose the program poorly. And i was ill equipped to work in that field due to my mental health and isolation. Never got any training to actually work with people. I wasted so much time and money. I feel doomed to bad decisions.
I find myself weighing pros and cons of each choice but after just making a decision that was like pulling teeth to make, I realize I have overlooked crucial parts and I rI gret the decisuon and keep mulling that part over and over. Then thinking oh what if I change my mind again. But often people get fed up with that. I wish I could be more care free at making decisions and take whatever the outcome is and not let it consume me.
Same!!!!!!!
I learned through therapeutic process to practice that every time I made a good decision I acknowledged myself with "good decision,way to go"and sat with it= experienced satisfaction
1. Neglect
2. Criticims and Contempt
3. Dysfucnctional Family
Core Wounds:
1. Shame
2. Control
3. Lack of saftey (people pleasing) fawn mode
I recently was making the big decision on how to purchase an iPad because I want to continue my education and I thought it would be a good tool to assist in courses. I kept talking about it with my partner for months, going back and forth over if I should, and when I finally made a decision to buy it for weeks I kept asking my partner’s opinion on which deal was better.
We had a full blow up about it because my indecision and need for constant reassurance had overwhelmed him. I wound up crying andhaving a breakdown, explaining that I felt guilty and selfish for spending so much money on myself and him blowing up at me reminded me of when I’d look to my mother for reassurance and was met with disinterest, or she acted like she didn’t want to deal with whatever emotion I was feeling. We talked and things were fine between my partner and I. I ended up making a decision and am watching this video/making this comment on my 1 month old newly purchased iPad.
It wasn't just childhood trauma for me. Yes, that caused me to be incredibly insecure, indecisive and fearful of regret, but what really hammered it down was that in adulthood, the doom scenarios for decisions always actually played out. And sometimes there weren't even doom scenarios in my head, but things still turned out badly in ways I hadn't even imagined. Most of the decisions I have made in life have had such horrible outcomes and terrible consequences that I just no longer trust my own judgment and am more frozen than ever. My childhood laid the foundation, but adulthood seems to have cemented it. I'm not sure how one crawl out of that hole.
Has it not occurred to you to think that your trauma has caused you to make so many poor decisions?
I've found getting back in touch with "myself" or my feelings has helped me overcome this somewhat. Doing that means accepting feelings , even painful ones, and accepting that bad things happen in life no matter how well we make decisions. The bad feelings that come up from accepting that will pass!! Way quicker if you embrace and accept the situation, rather than fear what it means to fail or whatever may happen
I can relate. It really is a direct result of the childhood tho. And boy did my narc parents use it against me also. May as well tattoo a giant L on my forehead by now according to them. But fact is they decided that was how they’d see me from a very young age. But later I connected the dots and could see a lot more cause and effect. We do not magically just “know” all these things when we become an adult. It was all the things they never taught us or taught us wrong and they’re still all up in our heads and even in our bodies affecting everything we do to this day.
Have you ever watched the show Being Erica? (You can find it on UA-cam)
It’s a show about a 30’ish single woman who feels like she’s not where she should be in life due to all of her bad decisions.
She stumbles onto a *magical* therapist who can send her back in time to events she thinks were pivotal to fix her list of regrets.
By experiencing the circumstances again with adult eyes she is able to see more sides to the situation than she could the first time she lived it and she brings that insight with her back in present day.
I still struggle with regrets and decision making sometimes but I have gone back to that show time and again because it’s so helpful and validating.
Are you me???
It is hard and almost always end up feeling like there was a better choice (a more responsable one) and start feeling afraid of the consequences as if it were life or death situations
Same here. All the flipping damn time 😭
you've helped me by FAR more than any of the 20-30 therapists/psychiatrists I've had in the past decade. thank you for posting these videos and i truly hope that you have someone for you that grounds you as much as you've grounded me (and many other people)
wow, really resonated with all of this. it makes my heart hurt to think about how much better life could have been. anyone else feeling this way?
Me 🙋🏻♀️
I’ve had this thought too many times, I’ve personally realized that why not push to make your life the way you want now. What feelings did you want to feel that you missed out on? Can u replicate it in the now? It is really sad though. Our innocence was taken from us too soon. You aren’t alone!
And it’s like I remain in a constant state of “the WHAT IFS” I was taught so well and deeply. This for the work you give
I tell myself it's better to regret having tried and it going poorly than to always wonder what would've happened... But it's easier said than done!
Looking forward to this one. Age 60+, I realize only now how practiced I am in the art of feeling stuck. Want to unlearn my habitual feeling of “learned helplessness” before I’m too much older- - it’s getting old!…even if I feel less so!
I feel your pain. I agonize over the smallest things sometimes! Not to mention the big ones…and I’m 64. I work on my learned helplessness by doing little things that require asking myself what I REALLY want. Although sometimes I regret my decision, it feels good that I actually made one!
@@barbaras676 Wonderful
I just spent 3 hours grocery shopping yesterday!
my friend who gave me a ride had other things to do, and I couldn't get myself to "hurry up"!
Hello , I think that "even if I feel less so " on getting older is a great sign of a healthy sense of spirit ! Good going!
Tell me about it. I’m 35 yrs old & my dad has had to financially support me almost my entire adult life yet, I still cannot identify how to fix this & be self sufficient. I truly feel utterly helpless
I experienced daily ridicule as a child, this video helped me understand that I'm still run by this fear of ridicule and verbal abuse from others. It's what motivates my indecision. Currently rewiring myself to understand that if other people treat me that way, it's THEIR problem and not mine. It's a reflection of them. The next step is learning how to stick up for myself, as I was never defended stuck up for when I got ridiculed. Huge anxiety around this. Thanks again, Patrick 💖
Its so scary to make a decision
Especially when the decision affects other people! I can’t choose so much as what to have for dinner
I love and appreciate your more lengthy and in depth videos. Thank you, Patrick. My eyes well up every time I watch these videos. Finally, someone really understands. Finally, someone puts everything into words that I could never articulate, but only feel in my body. Finally, I feel validated and have clarity and have direction out of the fog of confusion, self doubt, and deep pain. Thank you.
Thanks Patrick, excellent material, and on point as usual. The Shame/Control/Security triad as part of the dynamic keeping us stuck resonates. Children who did not get support, or were shamed for a decision they made, or did not have the security of knowing that there was a backup in case something goes wrong, that someone would be there to help....Or not wishing to risk current security by making decision. I all of these elements plays out later in life with decision making.
So spot on. Couldn't agree more. I'm always amazed how spot on these videos are and how validated I feel. So much insight into "what's my problem" (i.e. childhood trauma after effects!) My mouth was practically on the floor when he reviewed the Shame/Control/Security triad.....SOOOO MEEE!
WOW.. Just.. WOW. "if only" I could have experienced this insight and advice when I was 20! Now 56, thinking I am undiagnosed ADD, and going to therapy after trying several different practitioners (wasting 5 years with the first one).. This REALLY spoke to me, and my inner child. My parents were 40 when they had me, and I thought my childhood was trauma free until I understood more about neglect. My physical needs were met, but not the emotional. Otherwise things were stable. I had a childhood friend in poverty, living in a trailer in a junk yard with 4 siblings, an illiterate father and overwhelmed mother. I understood SHE was experiencing trauma.. She had siblings, I was lonely.
When I accidentally found "Crappy Childhood Fairy", and her definition of Childhood PTSD identified how I saw myself, I was REALLY confused. But also interested.. The journey began. I am SO grateful for content providers like yourself, who put such valuable tools out there for us (or the algorithm) to find.
Whenever I made a decision based on money first, it always led to the worst outcomes.
It occurs to me that all this can be at the root of procrastination. I've been told that not making a decision is still a decision in itself, with positives and negatives. Thank you for helping me to see I must see the fear at root of indecision clearly to address it. This video is what I needed today and I can't thank you enough for putting this out into the world. There must be so many people it is helping
I'm trying to decide when to watch the video. (not kidding)
@@ibberman have you watched it since? :)
I don't know how this guy knows me, or seems to understand all this without living it all but, he's actually a person I would maybe trust in therapy....and I trust No One. So glad for these videos. Thank you 😊
This resonates with me big time. I moved from the 'eff it anything goes' attitude when young to paralysing overanalysis as I've gotten older. I understand the mechanism behind it but man is it difficult taking action.
Same
Once I sobered up in my mid twenties I realized I was not actually a free spirited extrovert. I’m actually a highly anxious introvert and perfectionist 😅
@@clairewillow6475 same! Having a child of my own was what flipped my switch. Now I'm trying to help myself and not mess him up at the same time.
In addition to be at the other end of hyper criticism, witnessing one parent hyper criticize the other is also traumatic, causing decisioning paralysis in later life
There’s also the smothering where you can’t try things Bcuz they can’t let you ever scrape your knees. Of course the other parent was ready to thump my head for mistakes and would often “force decide” for me Bcuz I wasn’t doing it as fast as he wanted me to. Of course between codependent mom, alcoholic dad, the narc step father, messed up step siblings... there was so much more.
I think for me it’s more like not wanting to fail...or eff it all up...yet again. Like if I do, almost like it’s gonna prove the psychos right about me or something. Working on that I guess. Like constantly reminding myself that failing is just learning.
For me I’m “practicing” on the smaller things for now. Taking small chances and letting “wrong” or “imperfect” be ok or just a learning curve. Brilliant what you said tho. So true. Research everything and don’t take a leap which has a way of defeating the whole purpose of even trying. A lot of times I also feel (like you said) lost and like it’s just chaos Bcuz the bus just doesn’t have any wheels anymore. Like I don’t even know where I’m going or where I even want to go. Aimless or like Meh why does this even matter or pessimistic like what good would this ever do anyways?
This shocked me on a physical level. Everything you said was me my entire life. My family jokes about me not being able to make decisions since I was a small child.
I can remember every hit, every punch and threat my father gave me that changed me forever. Crystal clear. Since 2014 i have wanted to create a youtube channel and to this day i still struggle with the decission due to fear. I have seen my channel ideas being done by others and thrive which makes me feel worst. 38 years and counting and I only want to sleep and fade away.
I feel exactly like you. What are we gonna do? We gonna let things beat us? I am attempted to, but ego also rises up. It's sometimes the only thing that saves me from myself. Gets me up from the comfortable darkness I put myself in.
Everyone can make the same video, it’s the person who records it, that’s why we’re watching. Many could relate to you and you and they may never know. I’d suggest seeing a psychiatrist because wanting to sleep and jut fade away is a major sign of depression and is not a normal way to feel so you know something in your brain is imbalanced, which can be helped!! Hope you’re doing well.
For me, I had a mother that would overthink each and every decision (for example, it took her 10 years to decide on a paint color for the main floor of her home and she finally chose beige). When I was growing up, this was incredibly frustrating and tedious - as a result I rebelled against that (and many other things) and have often made some compulsive decisions that have not always been in my best interests.
Yeah. But you made those decisions and learned right? A LOT better than waiting ten years to paint!
yes so you can imagine what she suffered at the hands of her parents! neglect?constant criticism? family dysfunction?
@@joannsmith3589 yes exactly. Her and all of her siblings are the same. Perfectionists, over thinkers and overachievers. And judgemental as hell to those that aren’t.
@@heyitsme5469 I think there's a factor of each generation accidentally damaging the subsequent
I strive to end the cycle, and be self aware and openly communicate to not pass on any more family trauma
it ends with me
but it is difficult to be compassionate that what my parents did was likely caused because of the pains they had, and how those changed them, and that I must be stronger than they were to not keep passing on issues like they did
Interesting how the other side of the coin looks like
As an adult nearing 40, I struggle so so much with this in my daily life, and more painfully, in my professional life. Every example is relatable. Thanks for this. And if you’ve got more on this topic, please cover it.
Totally unrelated to the video, BUT I LOVE Your Background Set-up! I appreciate it so much i want to cry! Seriously!
I have seen lots of these therapist-turned-youtubers & People that teach about self-regulation online with Almost NO set-up. Its AS STALE as it gets!😭
It may be because they think it's educational content & a "decorative" BG wouldn't matter But It DOES make a difference! A beautiful BG makes the viewers(AKA ME😭) feel welcomed & Like a safety net where i can process strong emotions! Like An OFFLINE Therapy Space!
And yours MAKE A DIFFERENCE! I feel weirdly comforted & its soothing & I AM GRATEFUL for it!
So, If You are reading this Just know your efforts are appreciated. Thank you!
5 STARS for your video Patrick, and all the inner work you've done, do, and help others with. You provide real, applicable content with humility and goodness! Thank you.
I've been working on this. I told family this week - it's okay if you chose to misunderstand me. I'm okay with that.
-you guys are not very nice to me.
It's nice leaving it at that. I'm happy even when they're not the greatest. God is good. Bless you.
This video literally explains me in a nutshell. From having relationships that went on for far too long to the doubt of leaving a job that I know I shouldn’t be in anymore, these are situations that I am currently going through right now. I never really summed up this indecisiveness to start from childhood trauma/neglect. I always told myself that “my life wasn’t so bad compared to others” and that I’m “overreacting” but really I think at this point I feel like I need to start taking the steps to heal myself from past events that lead me to be this way. Also for me I have an issue with letting people take advantage of me or that I’m always “too nice”. I’m currently anticipating the holidays so I’ll have some days off to start applying to other jobs away from home to try to escape my toxic environment.. I hope by making this decision it well help me grow and that the grass will be greener! Thank you so much for this video!
I wonder if you were made to doubt your reactions to things you didn't like as a child? I also have the I'm overreacting part of me, a bit like gaslighting yourself at times because I often not validated for having feelings that were perfectly natural to have given the circumstances
Girl you are me 😭 , I am in this situation where I am in a college major qi don't like and I want to change it but I have already spent 3 years studying it and forcing myself thinking I will love it with time but I did not
@@thirteenth137I did the same thing in college 😂😂 got my bachelors in accounting and have no interest in accounting!! I only liked it because my dad did it for a living and wanted to make him proud. But I’m actually interested in psychology. So I’m back in school for my masters in business to possibly become a manager or HR manager because I like dealing with people. And even going back to school for the MBA, I feel like I rushed it and should have waited because my life is a mess right now.
14:30 bro the fear of abandoning others or letting others down by making myself happy
I’ve had the hardest time with making decisions since I was a child. I don’t know how far back it started but I figured it is because I have issues with control, due to the trauma I’ve experienced. Decisions scare me because it always brings about change and it makes me feel unsafe. I can’t control new things and i try my hardest to prevent myself from making the wrong, unsafe choice. I hate that I always underestimate myself though. I have already proven to handle the most extreme things and yet I still have to convince myself that I can, if the decisions I make go bad.
This video was very eye opening. For most of my life I’ve always had a hard time making decisions for myself with confidence. Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that my parents never thought their child could have. My whole life I was told that I was lazy for doing things last minute or could never decide on anything. Always switching back and forth. This really hurt my self confidence and I find myself always asking for the validation of others in fear of making the “wrong” decision. Big or small decisions like what I want to order for dinner would put me in paralysis.
After watching this video, I’ve realized that my trauma not only stems from the experiences I’ve had being undiagnosed with ADHD, but also from the expectations of my parents. I’m the eldest child in my first generation family who’s parents immigrated from another country. The high expectations to be a role model as the oldest brother, as a son, and as a friend led me to always having fear of disappointing someone. Mix this with the financial hardship my parents went through to give me a better life further instilled how by absolute no means should I fail.
It’s a battle everyday in my mind that makes me depressed I feel. I am working on it by catching my thoughts and preparing myself to go finally schedule an appointment to see a therapist. Thanks for the video and I hope that those also struggling to come to terms with their trauma eventually find their peace
Thank you for this video Patrick. I would be really interested in seeing some healthy parent-child scenarios. I'm so far away from that experience that I can't even imagine what it would look like. Thank you!
Yes please! I second this, I don't want my children to grow up broken.
I put this in my watch later playlist and 2 months later finally watching it. 🤣 I have so much trouble making decisions of all types including what to eat, what Music to listen to, what to watch on TV, UA-cam, etc, I end up spending longer thinking about it than doing it 😢
This hit so close to home that I had to pause, save it, and try to watch it later when I have collected myself. I'm trying not to "run away" because I know this will be helpful. Thank you for making this video.
Being spontaneous is a no go for childhood trauma survivors imo.
Constantly having to brace for impact got me stuck in a loop of what ifs. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t became my mantra.
Spontaneity is not necessarily the problem.
It's knowing what you want, then deciding to act on it. That's the problem. Having a conviction that your needs and wants are valid and to be respected.
I can be very spontaneous, but it's been a serious roll of the dice sometimes as it's been really foolish or dangerous.
I felt this in my bones
I think that depends of the "flavour" of your particular trauma.
Spontaneity may also be a survival tactic if it allows you to decide on something more trivial to avoid a truly weighty decision.
Your lack of spontaneity is one flavor in a whole ice cream shop of traumas imo
Oh god, I’m Jill 😳🥺😭
I’m going to need to rewatch this several times because it’s so uncanny how much your description of Jill fits me and my experiences. So much that I felt physically uncomfortable and called out when you accurately identified those core beliefs I currently possess. This is no doubt a huge beacon to help guide my recovery journey, and for that I am so grateful to you, the work you’ve done on yourself and with others to develop these insights, and for sharing it so openly with us here. This gives me a lot of hope that despite what looks to be a long and painful road, that there is a welcoming destination on the end of it.
I really felt this too.
This was fantastic, thank you. What really sticks with me is the reality that decisions aren't permanent. This takes heaps of pressure off
This was actually really good information!!! I’m getting my degree in Psychology. And I just naturally offer myself therapy and practice pattern interruptions. I definitely see how my mother being a martyr, and I the sacrificial lamb plays a huge role in me trying to have courage to live my own life in my 20s. I’ve relied on other people to give me the courage to leave. But it took me coming back home and being completely alone and with them to fully accept these patterns and not run from them. I have to trust that I’m allowed to do what makes me happy, even if my mother doesn’t know how to do the things that make her feel happy. And prioritizing my well-being. Not being stuck complaining. I noticed that’s something both my parents have in common. And I learned to be a settler. Some call it “adapting”. But that can really be detrimental when it comes to
Deciding to leave and create something new in any situation. And feeling guilty for not having the “strength” to stay and overcome. Or just being a flat out victim and feel like external forces are in charge. I feel such a growth in my sense of autonomy and I look forward to growing more. I’m the eldest sister and I’m ready to just…be me. And that’s okay.
"And I learned to be a settler. Some call it “adapting”. But that can really be detrimental when it comes to
Deciding to leave and create something new in any situation. And feeling guilty for not having the “strength” to stay and overcome. " Amazing insight! I can totally relate. I have such strong values and principles....such as "loyalty" and integrity...but feel utterly bewildered when trying to unpack if/when my true, authentic values and principles are driving my decisions (or indecisions) or when it's just all the subconscious toxic patterns from traumatic childhood and toxic parenting. The video's hypothetical case study was extremely eye opening and incredibly insightful.
Good timing, I been thinking about this lately.
I can be decisive with the small stuff or in my professional life. When comes to the big stuff though, relationship, career and commitments, I struggle.
Hanging on too long, and get laid off, instead of being pro-active and finding something on my own terms. Being wishy-washy in a potential relationship, then the opportunity passes. Over-analyzing or picky with a big purchase, then realizing it just wasted a bunch of time.
Life ends up making decisions for you.
My problem is the slightly reversed- life makes decisions for me, but they're never all that bad, so I'm convinced that if I keep riding this train, eventually my problems will be solved for me. But then the problems come back because I never actually solved them.
@@NoiseDay The sense is that though things seem okay, you have not been authentic and have not really made your own choices. So in the end, life does not feel right.
Thank you so much for this gem of a video. I'm on a healing journey from hoarding behaviors, and THIS -- problems with making decisions -- is a HUGE part of my hoarding challenges. Inner child work has helped me SO friggin' much ✨ My inner child wasn't taught how to navigate through life. She raised herself in many ways.
But I'm gradually gaining confidence in making decisions and INLUDING MY NEEDS in those decisions without feeling "selfish." 😌🙏
Majority of video, I more or less learned that I had difficulty managing well as I got older. But I had no idea why, where it came from. THANK you so much!!!
This was very timely. I am currently ruminating on the decision to wean from nursing my six month old and switching to formula. There are many factors contributing to the difficulty of this decision. I am engaging in all of the unhealthy processes you are describing. I'm extensively researching, desiring everyone around me to give me permission, definitely feeling "stuck", getting determined to make the change and then getting scared and going into resignation, lots of guilt and shame for being "selfish", etc. The hardest part is that there really is no going back. Once I wean my baby, I cannot magically start nursing her again. I am seeing the impact of my neurotic behavior and obsessive thinking on my husband, and my life is very impacted as well. I am currently in the resignation phase of the cycle. I really long for more ease and confidence in decision making with big decisions like this. At the end of the day, it directly impacts my child, and she can't have a voice in the decision. Being a parent has significantly complicated the decision making process for me.
More and more your videos make my life make sense. Still a long way to go, and I've gone so far already. Glad to be on this path and to see everyone in the comments walking their own path as well. I feel strength in not being alone!
This was unbelievably helpful and insightful. Layers to my own mind I never noticed but always existed. I am capable and willing to undergo a restructuring of my mind. Discomfort and confronting fear is something I am willing to work on and with the tools provided I can begin to heal. I can earn the right to be at peace in my own skin and find the strength to stand by choices, no matter how difficult or how scary. Time will tell but I am confident in my ability to be coachable and be able to implement any lesson or slice of advice given. I will be watching this repeatedly and take notes because the desire to improve myself and strive for greatness is genuine. Thank you for taking the time to speak and impart wisdom, I will find a way to honor you all. It is not lost on me the lengths some have gone to help me. Thank you is not enough, I need to improve as a person in order to give those two words the weight I truly want them to have. For now, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so very very very much.
Wow… this was well needed.. my biggest fear in decisionmaking is that I do not trust my own decision because I have never gotten the support to choose for myself.. when I was younger and voiced my dreams and wants, I always got comments from my parents that I was immature, that it was a waste or time and money, and I never ever got a support in my dreams.. the only way for me to get validation was to choose what my parents wanted me to choose… so I have never trusted myself in making decisions because I grew up believing that I cannot make the right decision for me… this led to me suppressing myself. And now when I have grown up, I do understand all these things, but making decision is terriffying
It's amazing what abuse many of us went through. I was never taught anything but criticized constantly. In result, I would just not do anything to avoid being criticized. That resulted in having no life skills and being very dysfunctional when I went out on my own. This led to many years of frustration until I pulled myself out of a deep hole. I'm a lot stronger after figuring out things on my own; however, a decade of confusion could have been a decade of progress if I were taught anything to begin with.
My brother and I were raised by the same parents. I am highly neurotic and traumatized and he is the most well-adjusted person this world has ever seen lol He is 3 years younger. Whatever my parents were doing, it seems that it only affected me negatively. I feel like I will spend my entire life trying to figure out what happened.
Same, but my brother is 5 years younger. I think usually the older one takes the worst of their fathers.
I told my mother I might have to move to help my gf's sick father. My mother said "what if you can't get a good job, also I know how anxious getting a new job would make you." Every reason under the sun, she pulled it. Like her dad needs her and they want me to consider just... leaving him alone or leavibg my gf, that's what I heard when she said that. I sort mail for a financial firm. I make decent money considering that, but it just clicked that she's operating from a toxic place and it's kept me stuck in a mail sorting job for literally 15 years. She had my cousin, brother and father call me up to express concern and I could tell by the way my dad reacted she made it sound like I didn't know what I was doing. I told him my plan and within a second he was on board and supportive, so whats her deal? It's weird because, going against her makes me feel shame, but she doesn't directly shame me, she just makes it abundantly clear that this decision is hurtful to her with her tone of voice, but is saying things like "oh you might not be able to do it for xyz reasons" I love my gf and I would never let those messages come between me doing what I can for her in this life. Now I'm wondering: What would my mothers statements look like if I loved myself that much? Would I pick up on more of this behavior?
That description of your mother's behavior is extremely relatable
As a little kid, my dad said I couldn’t go onto my neighbor’s property (I didn’t know why at the time, but found out years later). One day at around 7 or 8 years old, I was rollerblading past their house, and accidentally rolled one foot onto their driveway, and actually had a panic attack thinking my dad would know I disobeyed him and that I’d be in huge trouble.
Why did he say you couldn't go on your neighbor's property?
I think if I had spent my entire childhood living with my dad, I wouldn’t be able to make decisions now. He was the one who got to decide EVERYTHING and if someone tried to decided even a small thing that he didn’t agree with, he would push against that. Luckily I had times in my life where I lived with other family members and even in shelters. Some of those other adults in my life taught me how to make decent decisions for myself. Sometimes I’m a little weird about it though, like I have to over control certain things
Dr. Teahan just read me like a book but I realize this is a process I've been going thru recently so I'm happy to have gotten more insight and guidance, thank you
This is why I eliminate as many decisions as possible... Get the same order at a given restaurant (and choose the same restaurant), have a limited wardrobe, have a set of rules about lots of other choices.
Which I suppose is a kind of decision. Haha.
You definitely have risk aversion. What is the worst that could happen if you ordered something else? Are you also avoiding true intimacy in your relationships?
@@marywiggins7411 I think I have very real intimacy in my relationships. It just takes me time to develop that trust, and I can be slow to warm up.
@@storydates I wish you healing and love.
wow this really opened my eyes to how much my childhood is still affecting me
26, I left home at 19 and still trying to get better, I remember not having breakfast for the first few months because I couldn't even decide what I wanted to eat, thanks so much for the content 💖
another kind of childhood trauma is the overbearing parent who made all your decisions for you. then when youre an adult and faced with choices, you freeze.
This makes almost too much sense 😅
I'm working through cptsd, & I really needed to have this explained to me. None of the therapists I've been to "to date" have had an understanding of childhood trauma it seems. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this video. Now I can at least begin to work on this part. Keep up the good work!
Thank you. I was indebted and my parents weaponized all their trauma’s onto me. I’m just free of my Dad’s house. I had forgotten childhood, now I understand why. I’m trying for a therapist but people are afraid to work with me, because of the domestic abuse sexual abuse. I was taught to never be okay or my parents would fake suicidal ideation. My Dad is still a sex addict, he went crazy with it after my Mom died. I’m facing the money situation, as my Dad has borrowed 1.5 million against my inheritance. I actually had no true concept of how sick my Dad is. He would occasionally protect me from my Mom. Now I understand not ever being able to create healthy bonds with people. I have done the rescuer, victim, perpetrator cycle over and over again. I just got my brain back online from a c-ptsd attack that lasted 4 years. It’s taken me 3 years to get capable enough to get through the freeze response.
Wow you’re actually good, I’ve seen many in the past that didn’t seem to have the full grasp of all these psychological layers
Thank you to every one of you that commented here and shared your stories. What you have to say is helpful.
i have struggled with making fast decisions for the smallest of things like what I should get a friend for her birthday and it would take me days and a lot of emotional breakdowns to get to a decision if I did. i have also struggled with choosing a career line and study abroad options. i have seen many videos, may ted talks but I was never satisfied. i think I am now. i did not know my poor decision-making skills came from my childhood trauma of the lack of security. i am very grateful for this video. thanks a lot for helping people who cannot afford therapy sessions!
1:25 that is so me. I think i use this to escape sometimes aswell.
It amazes me how long i needed to realize that i do this. It feels like a trap. I cant get out of it at some point and now even notice when i enter.
Decisions come with consequences, you can never 100% delete the negatives they could bring.
Doing the Lord’s work ❤
This was one of the best ones he's done. I recognized myself in almost every sentence.
Mind-blowing stuff. One small piece I would add at the end is that once you do make a decision, check out how it feels. Is your new reality as bad as you imagined it might be? Is it preferable to the stuckness you were experiencing? This doesn't apply only when you feel like you made the right call: even if you feel like you chose badly, is it the end of the world? Of course, in reality we can never know the counterfactual in most cases, so as the Indigo Girls said in their song Watershed, "In the end, every choice is worth your while." Once you start making decisions and moving forward, new doors and new possibilities will open up.
Was totally unaware that I had childhood trauma before watching this video. Truly eye-opening material for me, and will be quite useful when I get therapy in the near future; thank you so much :)
My parents didn’t explicitly direct their anger at me since they had 4 kids total and I was the “responsible & independent” child, but they are just like the dad you first described. Miserable martyrs who trudge through life dissatisfied and depressed. They are religious, as am I, but mental illness has made them hyper-spiritual about every little thing. I’ve realized I have OCD and I’m working to heal alongside trauma work, but the paralyzing anxiety and doubt so easily drowns out any attempt to take initiative in my life as a competent adult.
Finding this channel has been such a good thing in my life, I’m in therapy but my therapist hasn’t been a good fit and I was feeling really depressed about it, stumbling on this channel has really helped me, I’ve been working on my inner dialogue re-examining my thoughts and self and really just taking a step back - thank you so much
This video was meant for me….I’m currently in the process of switching careers..it’s a tough choice but what I really want is this new career. Midway through my required training…I thought maybe it was better to stay at a job that I know I already had experience in. I even did an interview yesterday to get back into my old career…when I got home, I cried to my bf because I did not know why I was sabotaging myself from something I truly wanted. Today I’m continuing my training for my new career. I have no IDEA!! what lies ahead but I’m not going to let my trauma stop me from trying.
Wow, I’m in shock by how profound your message is. Had a lot of aha moments listening to this video. Inner adult thankfully is growing and it’s not this existential horror all the time now. But yes, this thing about that belief if you are happy it will bring misery to other people, that you’ll let them down and bring suffering fml spot on. Other stuff too! Thank you Patrick ❤
This is an amazing video. Can't emphasise enough how much this perfectly describes my experience.
It's so weird cuz I was literally struggling and realizing how hard it's been for me to take decisions all my life and how it's affected me, then I see this video right when I opened yt and for some reason I look at the clock 11:11 🤯🤯🤯
#2 was my life!! I'm Jill 😭And coming back home, I'm seeing the same patterns towards my younger sister and it makes me so sad
Wow. Struggled terribly all my life with decisions. This is the best thing I’ve ever watched on this subject. So much of this resonated with me. Especially ‘if I don’t decide I stay safe’. I definately need some help here. Thanks for making such an excellent video.
Turned my notification on😊
Wow ! Suuuuuper interesting !!! I do struggle with making decisions from insecurity. This is truly helpful.
I am one of the most indecisive people I've ever known. It's so bad that I usually leave all the decisions up to my husband and when there's decisions that are solely mine I still do whatever he thinks. It is with everything in my life. I cannot even go shopping in person or online. I end up getting overwhelmed and then just don't buy anything. It's very frustrating. I had no idea it could be related to childhood trauma. I had a VERY rocky childhood. This explains a lot.
RISK, REWARD..........if the ultimate reward is safety you will take NO RISK. if the ultimate reward is acceptance you will take no Risk because i could be rejected, if the ultimate reward is CONTROL you will lose control because no one wants to be controlled including yourself. what if the ultimate reward was love and learning and exploration of your potential in relationship with other people who may find value in your contribution then it is WORTH ANY RISK. SUCCESS is RISKY love is RISKY, GROWTH IS VULNERABILITY. if you need to be CERTAIN you can never learn anything because LEARNING IS A MOVEMENT TOWARDS SOMETHING NEW not just processing information.
You know what... those words were really helpful, and very, very true.
OMG yes the morose "things never work out for us" attitude tainted ALL of my mother's kids. My sisters have both asked me why it seems that "things always go wrong for us" and we have a "black cloud" that follows us around and I had to hold my tongue to not say "it's trauma, from our mother" because my mother was in earshot. I told them it was more about blaming ourselves for things other people would not, or sticking (indecisively) with a relationship or a project when other people would have given up and move on to something else.
Disappointment. That's the word that runs my life.
I have this belief that, no matter what I do, where I go, ultimately it will end in some kind of loss, like my mother dying in a car accident on the way to her birthday party, or my father suffering and dying in pain in a hospital as he sunk into dementia and we learned that his wife actually would NOT make decisions that were in his best interest. SO much tragedy. It is extremely difficult for me to expect an alternative outcome, where I get what i want, and it is wonderful and right. I believe that outcome is for other people, not me. We are The Tragedy Family. I dont know how this awareness can help me overcome this issue.
I’m what many people call, “strong willed”. I’m on a never ending roller coaster because I want to try everything life has to offer. I’m in love with life! I can’t stop myself from living this adventure! I grew up in a very controlled environment and now I understand why I set out to explore the life I never had as a child. I’ve got to say, it’s been, a bitter sweet journey but I wouldn’t change a thing, because it’s such an exciting adventure ! “I can always change my mind” has been my motivation!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I'm fairly far along on my healing journey, but your video hit close to home for me 💯
I know you mentioned you are fully booked, but how would one go about finding a therapist that specializes in trauma?
Learning how to make decisions has been such a challenge! So much of this video rang true. It has been a challenge to learn 'it is okay to make mistakes'. In this step of my journey, I've learned to 'strike when the iron is hot': research all I can, back off when I'm feeling overwhelmed, then actually go through with the action when I'm feeling neutral about it. It isn't a perfect solution: this is just a stepping-stone. Another good strategy I've learned: if my friend is asking what movie I want to watch together or where I want us to go eat, I request that they give me three choices to choose from. This helps my decision fatigue and assures me that the thing I choose is agreeable to them as well.
Like so many others here, i try to research every possibility of the decision path, then get overwhelmed and discouraged and throw myself back into the "prepare" stage. I feel everything has to be perfect before it can be acted on. I can never reach the goal, nor can i live in the moment.
Omg this explains so much. I grew up being told “don’t think, just do what I say and shut up,” and now as an adult I’m so fickle and can’t stick to one decision and always change my mind. It’s crazy how much your milieu shapes who you are. Now to stop being so neurotic and vacillating .
I moved away from home for a job i didnt really want because I was scared what i would do if i couldnt find another job.
I told myself i would deal with it for 1-2 years to pay off my debt and then i would go back to school like i wanted.
Fast forward to present, 3 years later and I have filled out the applications several times only to change my mind at the last minute like you said. Now i am in this numb place where i convinced myself everything is fine as it is. But genuinely i am not sure what i want anymore. I definitely tend to overthink and obsess over decisions even though there is no way i could know exactly what will happen.
I cannot find a therapist near me but these videos have been very helpful. I hope i can find the courage to make these difficult decisions and learn to trust myself again. Thank you.
Figuring out school things without a parent! It was so hard to get help starting early, like even in elementary school. I remember asking for homework help and my dad yelled why am I evening sending you to school if I have to have to help with this shit or something like that. Nuts . And my mom didn’t think she was smart enough to help with ANYTHING .
I'm dealing with shame and control a lot. I would get all sorts of anxieties, sometimes I feel like I developed OCD because of this.
I'm always questioning everything and I want to be able to control everything.
This was very helpful, I am in a place in my life where I need to be financially independent but I am so scarred of investing money in a business that I am planning since last year. I belive in it , but I am so scarred to go all in it. I know weather the decision is good or bad life will find its way , but man I am so scarred to fail, specially since I am in my 40s . I will have to muster up courage to go for it. Thank you
I just came upon these videos. As a 23 year old and a mom and going to school and work, Ive struggled to make choices. A lot of it is shaming myself as “you’re lazy, just do it” the other is “if you do it’ll never work”, thank you for these videos.
video came up in my suggested n thought why not? wow u just explained my whole thought process. thank you. thank you so much i’m blessed n grateful to know im able to change this way of thinking.
i didn’t like my job or the people i surrounded myself with in my home town. i met a girl and fell in love and wanted to be with her as she was 2000 miles away. i was scared but i sold my drift car to fund my move and drove alone, 30 hours to somewhere completely new and started a new life with her. we now live together, i got a new job, and on my trip i got to visit the grand canyon and the petrified forest. the risk payed off!
Contempt yes. My mother constantly told me my choices were wrong. Why are you wearing that? What do you think you are doing? You cant possibly know what love is.... all these things. She does it now and I'm almost 50 - but wise to it now and working with my therapist on healing.
Also - it was like that in school too, teachers constantly telling me I was wrong, even when I wasnt. I have ADHD (dx 2 yrs ago) and that explains so much but i also know ADHD can come about as a result of trauma. Good thing is I am aware and working on it all.