“It’s hard to know where that mask starts and where the real you starts.” Exactly this - this has been the question since my diagnosis at 45. Thank you, Paul - I feel much less alone hearing that.
I really don't understand what this "masking" thing is all about. I never even though about putting up any form of fake front, what you see is what you get, no filters. Social rules have always been so confusing to me, I never even bothered to understand them enough to have any form of "mask". It must be some online meme or something. I'm also probably less functional in my autism. my "career" failed decades ago, I never married, no kids, heck, it's been longer since my last time than is was before my first time, if you know what I mean. I don't even have any friends, i don't know where to go, the internet has ruined the real world. There's nothing left out there. And I have never been able to "pretend" or "mask" to be one of them, out there.
I’m so glad you mentioned not wanting to attend family events because you don’t get anything from them. I have always felt like I’ve had to force myself to spend time with my family and sit through excruciating small talk that lacks substance or connection. My family are more like familiar strangers to me, than family. It’s always felt that way, for as long as I can remember. I constantly wondered if I’d been secretly adopted, or abandoned by aliens, because I never had a sense of belonging in my family. Finally at age 40, I’ve stopped forcing myself.. I’ve learned to sit with the discomfort and guilt - that I was conditioned to feel - of knowing that they don’t understand why I’ve chosen to distance myself. My entire upbringing was one big act, like an actor on stage, performing, so everyone else will think I’m “normal”. I don’t want to keep acting anymore.
Totally relate as well. I feel more and more inclined to have nothing to do with them. Wondering what I get out of it at all, sitting there, pretending I'm someone else or putting up with their occasional toxicity and abuse. It definitely comes with age, indeed.
Thing is, family is all you have in the long run. I'm 54, (dx at 33), I have no friends now, no career, no spouse, no kids, no nothing. Just my parents and sister who live separately and I only visit with a little. Ilove them, they are all I have, they are extremely understanding of my autism, but they are still not friends. They may be understanding of autism, but they still don't really understand ME, what i say. Nobody does. :( At least you can "act", I can't even do that. I'm jealous of all these other autistics who actually CAN "mask", gee with that I could, maybe I could have had a better chance of scoring an interview for a job or something. Have some resembling a 'social life". But I refuse to make friends based on a fake front, why ever bother if what they know is a fake me? Apparently nobody wants to know the real me though. I can't make friends online or off. I don't' trust online, and there is no place left to go offline.
@@peterbelanger4094. I so relate. I have two grown kids but no spouse, can’t seem to hang on to jobs and zero friends. I can mask but it is exhausting. One of my kids is getting married in a few weeks. I have been crying daily, some joy but mostly how a wedding reflects the total emptiness of my life. The one person who understood me remarried recently and is all wrapped up with her shiny new husband. It is like I don’t exist anymore. Just another loss ya know? I have a few other mental health issues (OCD, etc ) that make this journey extra fun. I find I am very much like Paul. I stay in the dark in my home most of the time. Paul’s channel is bringing me great comfort though. And all of you as well. ❤
The part about not being able to do it anymore that really hit home. That went on for over a decade in my case before I finally had an answer. The answer was autism and the hope I felt post diagnosis slowly eroded as I disclosed my diagnosis and met with, either indifference or hostility in response. A few people understood and we’re supportive. Most were not. It’s like being C on a life raft after a horrible shipwreck a drift for years, and suddenly what appears to be rescue steams towards you only to turn away at the last minute and say you’re fine and head off on its way. Leaving a huge wake that threatens to swamp your little raft. Wow just wow….
I am 59 years old. I have watched many of your videos--it's all starting to make sense. I have been diagnosed: bipolar, CPTSD, Borderline, Major depression. I had an ex girlfriend tell me I was autistic and ADD. Now, after watching your videos--especially the one on 6 reasons you might be autistic or something like that, it all makes sense. My high-school girlfriend from decades ago told me recently I'm single because I'm scary--too smart and too honest. Now, what do I do? Thank you for your videos. I relate to everything you say.
I hope you can find someone who is also smart and honest. I always got dinged for being too smart because I'm an information junkie. Not only in my special interest areas, but in others that come up. Think is, I hate small talk and will be happy to converse on other subjects but people usually don't want to do that. It is isolating. But finding out about autism can make it possible, plus choosing carefully.
Move to a country where people don't get involved with others, follow strict social rules of etiquette, and talking on public transport is forbidden. I believe I'm talking about modern Asian countries.
@@AdultwithAutism there is no doubt that there are things in today’s society that are pathological many people see it and if you happen to be someone who’s behaviors do not mirror, others in the same ways that most peoples do then maybe you’re not having those same pathologies and maybe that’s an advantage
Your the first person with Aspergers l identify with, l mentioned Aspergers to family and friends and the reaction crushed me and that will never happen again. I returned to my Catholic faith and totally immersed myself into it,l give myself mind body and soul and this saved me, friends family and the world will destroy you for being different , God won’t.
New subscriber - diagnosed yesterday at 41 - wasn't a shock but happy to find a truly honest person talking about ALL the aspects of late diagnosis, not just the "celebrated" social media angle - which again is like another pressure to fit in - I *must* be happy about it or else I'm letting the "side" down 🤦♀️
@@jablot5054 in the U.K. a diagnosis doesn't really change anything- might be a few support groups etc you can join but virtually no post diagnosis support. I decided to get a diagnosis just for my own peace of mind - I needed to know if I was in fact autistic or just chronically anxious and avoidant of socialising- so knowing I'm autistic allows me accept my differences which helps my mental health going forward.
Thank you very much for this excellent video. ❤️ I love your honest, no shit, presentation style. I hit a wall last year, at age 62, discovered to my horror that I was Autistic 2 months ago. I was one of those prejudiced people who either never gave Autism a thought or believed they were all 'Arm Flapping Broccolis". A brand of breath mints works too😭 Raised to believe all birth defects should be euthanized so was very motivated to mask as a child. Have been struggling in the Mental Health services for 47 years with multiple diagnoses, dreaming on a cure. Not really sure what to do now. I have been actively shattering and crushing my personality my whole life with the assistance of well meaning psychiatrists. Not even sure how much of me is left. Some masks were easy to identify because I can no longer hold them but at present, I learn, try to recover from burnout and avoid everyone. Videos like yours are a gamechanger. Thank you.🌹🫶🌹 Hope you are feeling better soon. 🥰🥰🇨🇦
Thank you for sharing some of your experiences. At least five members of my family have spent time in hospital for psychiatric issues and similar diagnoses to yours. As time has gone by, our awareness of how Autism can present has increased significantly. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for any child - especially an Autistic child such as yourself - being raised with the idea that children with birth defects should be euthanized. At least you were able to mask and had the ability to grow into an adult. I watched another video today - I don’t recall which one - that talked about fawning. At one point in the video, the man said, “fawning, aka masking”. That perked my ears up. I hadn’t realized that I’d been doing that my entire life, much of the time. Both fawning and masking are terms that are new to me, as is stimming. However, the more that I learn about them, the more that I recognize those - and many other - autistic traits in myself, my three sons, and multiple members of the household that I grew up in as well. And, I’d begun doing so, because I’d always felt that I was in the wrong, even though I was basically scared sh*tless about “frying in h*ell”, having been brought up with a great deal of religious coercion (something else that I’ve recently realized and am unpacking). You mentioned that you aren’t really sure what to do now, which is why I am responding. You’ll figure out what helps you over time. While you’re adjusting to your new understanding of how your brain works, you might benefit from diving into a study of various types of trauma responses… there are four of them, I believe: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn (apparently aka masking). Perhaps you’re similar to me, in that the fawning response seems most prevalent for you - maybe not. I personally found this information to be potent and powerful in terms of getting a better glimpse of *why* I have behaved a certain way for years and years. You also mentioned that you can no longer hold some masks. I get that. Holding everything together - tucked in as well, so as not to make others uncomfortable - has been entirely exhausting for me, and has taken a serious toll on my overall physical health as well. I can only speak for myself, of course. I will share that, once I recognized that overwhelm in my life for what it was, I spent some time deciding which where the most important masks to try to wear, and where could I drop them all, and just be - safely - me? Usually, nobody is on the veranda or in the garden where I live, besides my dog and I. Thinking about that, I simply decided to spend as much time there as I could manage. Sometimes, I would rather not feel so isolated; at the same time, not having the constant friction rubbing me the wrong way when others don’t seem to understand why and what I have to say, is enjoyable. I prefer to have as many enjoyable moments in my life as I can. The more of those that I can create, the more irritations and friction from those who do not relate to me, I am able to tolerate. The problem hasn’t been “solved” but it has become more tolerable. I hope that you’re feeling a bit better by now - I noticed that your original comment was some months ago. Cheers, Monica
@@MonicaMolinar Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate response. Actually, I am miles from that place now. Hard to believe this was only 4 months ago. I spent most of my life in fight, freeze or fawn.🙄 I have been able to improve brain function by 50% and get rid of depression and anxiety by going Carnivore (plus supplements) and in my usual intense way, have researched everything I could possibly find about Autism😂😂 I am doing so much better now, thank you.❤️👍
@@reneedevry4361 Awesome! Congratulations! It is so hopeful to know that you’ve made significant improvements to your quality of life so quickly. Hooray! Well done! May your brain function continue to improve. Cheers!
"I don't need spoons!" 😂 "Forgot the name, the elephant one" 😂 Great to have you back Paul. Love your videos. They realy help me to make sense of things and balance me out. I had a problem with the glands and lymphs in my neck after covid too. They seem to be OK now so try not to worry. It's people that don't get these things checked out.. I'm getting a small lump on my leg removed in the next few months and I'm thinking the worst as always. I have had pretty negative experiences in the past when disclosing my diagnosis. But, recently I changed GP and it was the best move as she is so understanding and knows her stuff about Autism and adhd etc I went away feeling great. Thanks again, take care and hope to see you back again soon!
Did you? That's interesting you had that reaction after Covid. I am hoping with everything I am that it's what's happened to me too. Guess I'll find out soon 👍🏻
Thank you so much for making this... You hit the nail on the head by describing how at 51 i was put on the NHS waiting list 6 months ago because i went to my GP and told her i dont know whyvi am here but.... I left with an anxiety and depression diagnosis and antidepressants.... A year later after no change i how i felt i went for my medication review with a different GP who passed me on to her colleague who had experience working with autustic people and after a chat about me, my past and my mother..... Well here i am on that list 😁
I'm pleased you got there in the end . Antidepressants nearly cost me my life. I don't respond to medication like other people. The opposite happens. My mum always told me I was backwards 😄
For years I just saw myself as an introvert with anxiety and different doctors agreed. The medication they gave me did work in ways but it didn’t touch the ‘core’ problem. And here I am Knowing it’s autism and I’m almost more confused in ways lol
@@soyunperderdor7246did you try ssris and snris? Anti depressants can have drastically different effects and it takes weeks or month for them to start working
Thank you for making this video. I totally relate. It is hard to explain or for the neurotypical to understand the difference between recharge and free time.
This hit hard for me. I don't think any other content creator has approached this subject the way you do. The journey of how we got to seek a diagnosis, is so important. Thanks for another great video. Wishing you health and contentment. You are very much appreciated.❤ ❤❤
I told my mother who is 87 and she reacted exactly the way you said - it is funny how predictable it can be. My family is in complete denial and apparently there is nothing wrong with me..well I knew that already, but apparently as you say, no parent wants that "terrible' label for their child, even though that label, made my life 1000000% better because I knew how to look after myself finally at age 51. Any person who denies you, yes, you are right, I can't mask for them anymore either, so they effectively wipe themselves out of my life because they cannot accept me and that's ok because it's not healthy to keep people like that in your life anyway. Thank you for the 'free time versus recharge time' that really hit me in a good way. Love your work and hope you feeling better soon.
Thank you, and that's the nail on the head...they don't want anything 'wrong' with you. But in this corner of Autism, we simply need acceptance and to be treated well as we treat others. It is the 'wrong' that creates the problems which we then struggle with 👍🏻
Hi Paul Just recently at the age of 49 I felt like I had hit a wall, my mind was struggling to process anything which I feel made my depression worse. After trying extra hard to mask this especially at work, I felt completely exhausted almost as if I had run out of road and had nowhere left to go, I was prescribed sertraline 50 mg four weeks ago and I pray that these will eventually get me back to whatever my normal is. I felt like a weak person turning to antidepressants, but I suppose that for most of us of a certain age, we were told from childhood that if you full down you need to pick yourself up and brush yourself off and carry on, but now I except the fact that if we full down there is nothing wrong with someone helping us get back up. Nice to see you back again Paul.
This was such a helpful video. I'm going through some crises, some of it from ill reactions to me because I'm autistic. I'm not going into details about that because I'm trying to recover, but you are right about feeling resentful about it. I always just kept my head down and tried not to be seen as different, but that's no longer my job. Here are a couple of easier situations that I'm thinking about after this video. I took a hiatus from a small social group I was part of. Partly I was quite busy, but I think it was also that I hadn't told them I'm autistic and that became more and more difficult, not knowing how I would be received. Well, I decided to tell them soon and probably next time we get together, I will. Previously I felt confused/conflicted about telling them and wanting to be with them kind of withered. Thinking about telling them feels healthy, like I am standing up for myself. On the other hand, I told a member of my nuclear family and he said, "No, you're not." Thing is, he's clearly autistic but not diagnosed. Part of his response is from his own masking, I'm sure. If you have been masking and partly successful in life., so this was likely a threat to that. I previously told another family member and it was the same. It's very, very clear she is also autistic.. Much autism in my family and much defensiveness. The second person has had a hard life economically and mostly hasn't worked,. She's normally very defensive and that's impression management, but her masking is less successful than the other person and it's clear she doesn't understand why she gets rejected so much,. If neither of these people doesn't react well to me saying I'm autistic, it may be that they have been hurt more than I have and are more heavily masked. It hurt briefly when they said this, but the good thing was I realized that no one had to believe me, it doesn't change that I am autistic. Once I understood that it was freeing. If the members of my social group don't react well, I don't see any future for me in the group, so it will probably dwindle my seeing them. However, with the autistic family members, I will keep my relationship with them since I understand them as being probably more damaged by the reactions to their autism than I was. I don't live close to either, mostly chat on the phone. I do know, after enduring a lot at large Thanksgiving gathering, that I won't be doing any more gatherings like that. It was miserable and took weeks to finally recover. Always been so, but I never quite understood why. You've been helpful to me understanding that. Thank you.
You're important too, so your decisions need to be yours for your reasons. You are not doing anything bad, and if others don't understand, then just know it is better to know now as your authentic self 👍🏻
Me again, watched and listened again. You speak fiercely, passionately and eloquently. That is a gift. And in that gift is the help you want to give to those who deeply need it. Like me. 70-something and different as far back as I can remember. Didn't walk through a door. Read Temple Grandin, book on the "discard sale" library shelf, cover with a beautiful dog head, called Animals in Translation, rattled my bones with recognition. Then read many of her sources, parallel reactions, joy and sorrow. But still alive to have otbers explain me to me. It affects everything, doesn't it, past and present, and however long the future is when 70-some with serious health panic. I know there is not long enough left to process it all. I thank you deeply. I look forward to all the other videos--to have a companion spirit in this solitary journey within matters to me perhaps more than you can imagine, Paul.
Thanks so much Paul for sharing your experience. I was nodding my head the whole way through! Totally get the health anxiety and I wish you well in life. I am 50 in July and finally got diagnosed at 38 but I am still processing now. I am realizing a lot of my family are probably autistic and masking but they,ve also been very abusive also - a lot of generational shame. Shame is a tough one- i'm seeing in in myself and my family, society and the invalidation. I was in mental health services for 18 years after a suicide attempt at 20 when a psychiatrist finally said "Has Liz ever been tested for autism" (My younger brother got diagnosed at 6 and just recently one of my cousins in his 40's o my fathers side) . Autism also runs on my mothers side. My mother happens to be very narcissisitic and I'm not sure if it's shame based or whether she is autistic and masking too. She exhibits BPD traits which I originally got diagnosed with and I also know it's possible to have both as well as misdiagnosis. As I spend less time with my mother I am my real self and how my mother devalues and people pleases. I am logical, calm an straightforward around her but I can't be around her often. She has mocked my disability at times then acted caring so I give a wide birth. I genuinely also feel empathy as well as protecting my own sanity - her upbringing was awful but she still try's too much too see the good while denying how she was abused and of course the anger comes out sideways at other people!
Thanks for your post. I rarely see anyone talk about autistic families, but there is at least a strong genetic component. Both my parents and all my siblings were/are clearly autistic. Some don't pass at all, and some pretty well. I thought there was a lot of abuse from my father and now especially one brother. However, once I realized these were meltdowns it shed a different light. My dad always had my back when needed, but worked a terrible job for an autistic person so he melted down and it seemed abusive when I was a kid. I cried when I realize how much he suffered because he would apologize after his meltdowns. He did the best he could. I married (later divorced) someone who is autistic but also very judgmental. So difficult. I've forgiven all these folks, important to me, but my one brother who can be extremely hurtful out of malice is the one I'm estranged from, though forgive him in my heart. He was bullied more than the rest of us as a child and I see why it happened, but it's emotionally damaging/dangerous to be around him. He never apologizes. They say how autism is a spectrum and when you see all these differences in your family, it's very true. My other brother is autistic and very kind. None of them will admit they are autistic and so deny that I am when I've told them that I am. Partly, we need more autism awareness for this to happen, I think.
I'm a 60 year old woman who was just formally diagnosed autistic 5 months ago. I tried going through my insurance, but was told they only pay for children, not adults. So I paid a good amount of money to get my diagnosis privately. I have suspected I was autistic for about 15 years, and finally last year decided it was time to find out for sure. It wasn't to get anything out of it (at my age, there are many accomodations I would qualify for), but rather just for my own peace of mind. I haven't told anyone yet of my diagnosis (besides my therapist, who I just began working with a few months ago). I don't actually have any friends at the moment, and don't do much socially, and I'm estranged from my family, so there isn't really anyone to tell. Maybe someday I will share it, but I'm going to be very careful about who, and under what circumstances.
You're right about a bad response causing a person to not want to be around people anymore. It's been 2 years since I tried to tell some "close" family and friends that I was in autistic burnout and why it happens. I got crappy responses, which I interpreted as uncaring and downright mean. I dumped all except my parents. I've been trying to heal from past trauma and get my head back together since then. I'm still isolating because even my parents don't understand me, and I still mask when I'm with them. They accepted my diagnosis when I got it, but they still expect me to act neurotypical. I do to have a peaceful life, and have low contact. I hope someday I can be a social being again, but I'm not pushing myself anymore.
Glad I found this. Was 40 for diagnosis. Autistic experience is my new special interest and it's been difficult to find community where the majority relate to a diagnosis at this late an age (and being this old at all, frankly). People lose interest in what I have to say when they realize I'm From The Time Before The Internet. It's been very alienating trying to belong somewhere even online. Also when I told my mother I thought I might be she denied it. When I got the diagnosis and she believed me she switched to asking what she might have done in utero for me to end up autistic or what she could have done differently in my childhood to expose me to more neurotypical role models and just blaming herself and asking my forgiveness. It was really impossible to respond to her like that.
This is divine timing seeing this. Going through this right now with my family and friends. Ugh. This is so validating and I've said so many of the same things. Thanks for posting this.
sh*t I enjoyed this vid, thankyou very much mate - I enjoy your demeanor - and unapologetic and honest presentation of its autistic struggle for a late diagnosed person!
Thank you Paul. It takes so much out of us to even talk to people. I appreciate you time and brilliant insight. It means a lot to me. So good to see you! I was diagnosed at 64.
“It takes so much out of us to even talk to people” Yes and I always thought this was due to me just being introverted with anxiety but I knew it had to be More. I’ve found as I get older it gets even harder to talk to people and I get drained even faster. I pretty much much have to be asocial towards neighbors - I just wave hi and that’s it.. I just can’t do the social stuff anymore Summer is coming up and I honestly almost dread it. I like the dead of winter and no one outside
@@brianmeen2158 Oh, yes. I love to take walks in the winter, or even on rainy days. But in the other seasons, I can't go very far without social expectations, even if it's everyone saying how glorious the day is. That sounds mean, but it's not. Just overwhelm.
Really Good Point made in this video Paul: it took a Total Shut-down to make me realise I needed to 'seek help'. I was in my late 40's and had just started a New Job, where the Boss who'd Hired me 'moved sideways' & suddenly a New Boss was 'parachuted in'. He was an Ex-Navy guy, who's leadership style was to shout, swear, threaten & demean people in front of their Peers. I came into work one morning, filled with Anxiety, and I was dreading the arrival this guy... It got to 9am & there was no sign of him. I completely froze-up around 9:05 & was unable to work or do anything. I sat staring at my PC for about an hour, then just got up & walked out of the office and Never Went Back. I Ignored his call all day & the next day too. 2 days later I'm on a 'Disciplinary Call' with HR: I had a Complete Meltdown on the phone & was essentially Fired at the End of the Call. (They believed Old-Navy & Not Me!) Long story short - I was 'Black Listed' in the Industry I worked in and was out of work for over a Year. The Bank foreclosed & I lost my House. I realise I'm Rambling now, so I'll finish up. Hitting the Wall led me to be Diagnosed at 51.
Mate I am sorry to hear that, really am. And as terrible as that is, that is the reason it is so important people are more aware of Autism in adults. The point in diagnosis is to assist, not to tell us after the fact. But I hope you're well...and it's never rambling 👍🏻
I'm doing fine now thanks Paul - sometimes things can be a 'Blessing in Disguise'. I'm successfully Self Employed now. I never have to have anymore Anxiety & Sleepless Nights because of Neurotypical Workplace Bullying 😅
Good to see you again Paul. I was diagnosed at age 46 and couldn't accept it for two years as I had this stereotypical view of what autism was and I didn't fit that. Then my son was diagnosed too and that put the end of my doubts. I think it runs in my family as I also have two nephews with autism diagnosis. Hello from Sheffield by the way.
I only just discovered your videos today. After watching a few, I went to your profile to browse your other videos and saw the large gap between your last one and this one, which was just eight hours old when I watched it. Sorry to hear about your health concern and hope it turns out to be nothing serious. Like you said, maybe long COVID. In my opinion, most people do not know that autism is a spectrum. When they hear the word "autism," they automatically envision someone who has severe communication and learning disabilities. When someone whom they have been interacting with on an equal or greater intellectual level tells them they have autism, disbelief or denial is a natural reaction based on their limited understanding of autism. I dont believe their intent is to belittle the diagnosis. They need to be educated.
I agree with you about the "automatic envison". I'm not a good communicator in these circumstances, so finding ways to explain it is what I'm working on now. But I have explained it to a couple of people and they still didn't respond that well. I'll start, "It's a new diagnosis (relatively)". It's a spectrum which doesn't mean a continuum, but rather diverse manifestations." Not sure what comes next except to say how it affects me, perhaps that I'm genuinely good with listening, but can have trouble talking except scripts." Also, I can read emotional cues well but am lost with social cues, utterly unable. For example, this means I can't figure when I'm supposed to leave a social get-together until the person is uncomfortable which I can read and I realize I've overstayed." Also, this is only my form of autism, there are many differences between people with ASD. I may also say that Elon Must has said he's autistic. He's the world's richest man. (I'm pretty poor). Hoping they don't see Musk as political here, just an autistic man who is part of the diversity, and you have to admit, going to space is an achievement.
People don't realize everyone pays for a diagnosis. Many are lucky enough to have parents who on top of needing a healthcare plan whether it's government or insurance, also need to see the signs and take them in to get screened. Even if someone does go in just out of curiosity, you can't pay for a diagnosis. You pay to get screened. You get a diagnosis if you have a condition to diagnose. (Unless ur trying to get prescription stimulants by an online doctor) I wouldn't hold too much resentment toward those types of people who respond like that. Everyone is struggling and everyone to some extent wears a mask. Some may have been struggling with undiagnosed conditions as well and I can imagine it's easy to feel like they are struggling just as much if not more and instead of coming to the conclusion that "maybe there is some thing that is fundamentally off about me that makes my life difficult that I should look into" they have come to the conclusion that they are Infact typical and life is just this insanely hard for everyone. I knew people who had autism and I thought, it can't be that bad. From what I could see, they were far more functional than I was when it came to schooling, work, home life... Just about everything. I just assumed that I was just a major fuck up. not that I'm talking down on myself, more so that I was objectively bad at doing the things in life that are important to functioning in society. Even into adulthood, I took a long time for me to connect the fact that the reason these people are doing better than I am is because they are aware of their capabilities and limitations because they got diagnosed and they actively work on themselves. It took 8 years in the navy before I broke and started to self destruct and ended up in the psyche ward at Walter Reed. Even after they diagnosed me(sort of) I was pretty indifferent and almost slightly bitter toward the news as I'd already fucked up my career. Long story short, some people just need some extra time to fully understand .
I wondered why I tried copying people to try and be like them to fit in. It often didn't work because I was emulating rather than being original or true to myself. I wasn't particularly good at it but I realise I did do it alot in my youth.
Hi Paul - nice to see you back here. I understand how debilitating health anxiety is - I am currently going through a major dental issue which I cannot even think about (it's just too terrifying on every level) - the anxiety is so bad I can't function really - I hope you feel better soon x
well the whole story works the other way around as well... I am an NT woman with an undiagnosed Aspie partner, who does not want to see or believe that he might have Aspergers... we are very sure (his daughter has Aspergers as well) - but he does not want to even hear about it. He gets so mad about it! I will leave him alone with that issue but I am not sure if our relationship will survive, since he always thinks everybody else is "weird" except him. I find it GREAt that you are diagnosed an speak so openly about it! THANKS for your videos. Kind regards from Germany
Best of luck. If he doesn't want to face it, then he has to face the potential changes in his life due to it. It isn't a bad thing, it helps make sense once diagnosed 👍🏻
I stumbled across it by accident 3 yrs ago. I was doing something I normally do, researching random stuff, I wanted to know why people didn't like Elon! And just like that my life turned upside down. It found me! My family is a hard sell. They seem to think it's like I just told them I don't like chicken. The confounding part is all of my traits, are things I've been lectured about and admonished for my entire life. I don't know how they don't understand.
Enjoying your vid in west australia. I saw a doctor and a psychologist once each, i discovered autism on my own and dont feel like i need them anymore, no diagnosis but thats okay for me at the moment but the same stands, i wouldnt have gone to a doctor if i didnt feel like something was up
One reason i don't tell people is because I feel like first I need to explain that Autism is not just the Hollywood examples but If you meet one Autistic person you've met One Autistic person, there's a spectrum we're all different.. and to explain what it is well ...that's near impossible for me to do. So to me, it makes sense people wouldn't believe me.. Between Autism not being truly understood by the masses and a life time of me masking.. why would they? What I have such a difficulty with expressing or the few people that do know, is how painful it is to live in this world with my brain and sensitivities. I am more alone since my diagnosis than before. Also not everyone can afford diagnosis.. being self-diagnosed autistic, can you imagine what their friends and family would say? So in the end, I just isolate more and try to dive into my interests, Star Trek, Nature, Art and find happiness, find a simple life, learn to be my true self which in this world means, taking real good care of myself, my health/habits/diet/excercise (all of which are not easy at all for me to do). I'm 57 woman, late diagnosed 3 years ago.. there seems to be NO ONE MY AGE out there with Autism and that is lonely too. So, I appreciate your channel.
health anxiety's rubbish I've struggled with it for years it's mad how it can produce real physical symptoms, I had so much tension in my neck I was losing my voice for months a while back then it caused tinnitus, sinus and eye pain, have to keep reminding myself to let go and stop tensing up
😂 rare as rocking horse poo - I love learning new idioms! Thanks for that. Anyhow, like your kind of humour, reaonates with mine. When you said, people didn't know, they needed routines, didn't know they would comfort them... I felt a strong physically reaction, tears rising, deep sorrow not having treated me right, for not having known... Since I believe I understand I might ne an autistic person and respect my needs in front of the background of information and inspiration I got from several sources, I start feeling less breathless and exhausting. I feel less pressure and urge to explain myself. I feel valid! I appreciate and welcome this new vision of my old and young and always me heading into a self-determined future with a better self-esteem in public (I didn't suffer from a lack of that when I was on my own). Had to write that, now go on listening stopping waffling...😅 Nearly finished: Thank you so so so much for explaining and stressing out recharging time! Due to my masking and people (mother-) pleasing (especially in my childhood where I setup that "skill") I never had the idea this was the cure I so badly needed! And of course not only when there was time for it. But when I needed it, I had to take a time out. And it has nothing to do with any preferences or how much you like something or someone... it just has to have highest priority. So thank ypu for pointing that out... reminds me to focus on that long before the last straw breaks the camel's back.
I am one of those very rare cases Paul, at least from the outside - wife, kids, career, eldest going to an excellent school - but a series of things (including getting two of my daughters diagnosed for ADHD) - and I found myself going in to get diagnosed - mostly I was thinking about ADHD, maybe getting access to a perscription that would help me focus better - but I ended up with an autism diagnosis (and not ADHD - because I wasn't "impaired enough" - stupid reason, but that is a fight for the future). But the inside is very similar - yearning for friends but not understanding how other people operated - the stressors and my reactions to them - so clear in hindsight - but I didn't understand things before. From stimming to hearing things nobody else could to problems with changes in schedule - why did it bother me so much when my wife changed a schedule without telling me first? Why could I not be spontaneous. I have had people tell me "everyone feels that way" - even a therapist did the same - but I was like - you have no idea. Watching videos by yourself and others have helped me understand so much (and maybe I will record some of my own videos) - I almost fell out of my chair when I found other autistic people who could hear the hum of electricity! I can't hear it in normal walls, but if I go near a breaker box, I can hear it. My wife is still struggling with it - my eldest daughter cheered. Thanks for these videos and best wishes on your journey mate!
Hi I was diagnosed on the 8th of Feb this year and it took something horrible happening to get a diagnosis even considered. I’m really struggling rebuilding my life (although I did get a job in 2 weeks) and your videos are like the only thing I have right now and are really helping. I have extreme health anxieties too but this was exacerbated by external forces. I suppose I’m trying to say thank you. I’m going to binge watch the rest of your videos now. 😅
Thank you Paul, i really need to hear this. I might send this video to the ONLY friend i worked up the nerve to say thought i was autistic to.... and they said i wasn't and laughed. I laughed too and agreed with them to brush it off. I havent told anyone since (pre or post diagnosis) outside of the autistic community. This was two years ago. His reaction has stopped me from telling the others. Its not worth the hurt, gossip and disbelief. You do have something to offer and your experience is valuable. Thank you for making this video and i hope you're on the mend from your health problems - keep smiling!
At about the 14 1/2 minute mark, you talk about something must happen (hit rock bottom, need help, etc) for an adult to seek diagnosis. I do not disagree with the statement, but the reason I suspected that I was autistic was the research I was conducting to help my daughter. When I started to think she might be autistic, I saw many of the same things in myself. I have heard other people share similar stories. My daughter is 17, so pretty soon she will be called a "late diagnosis" as well. My rationale in getting a diagnosis at age 55 was that if I have it, it is very likely that my daughter (and others in our family) have it too based on their traits and sensitivities.
I wasn't referring to everyone, I was careful not to. Merely giving some examples as to why it could be so important for people to lend them their ear if they need to talk 👍🏻
Well spoken, the amount of gaslighting that goes on annoys me, no end. As for dealing with health concerns, I am with you there, I just got my referral to nurolgergy over some problems I am having. It sort of freaking me out at the moment. The biggest problem is that knowing what is happening, I find. I like concrete answers and planning it all out, and having this sort of thing is very scary because I don't know why I have spasums and dealing with doctors is not my idea of fun.
@AdultwithAutism the mind just runs away with itself. I think it's because with me anyway, I think in cause and effect. And it just goes round in my mind what it could be.
Great to see you back, Paul. You're right about how important it is for someone to just listen, even if only for a few minutes over a coffee. It's so rare and refreshing to speak openly about being autistic. Most people either aren't interested, or are quick to make an ignorant judgement. Anyway, thank you for the video, and stay well.
I agree Paul - the response matters so much doesn't it!! I find it so hard how lots of people dont believe that we're autistic when we're high functioning. I feel it's adding a new layer of autistic trauma for us. Sorry for being so negative!!
I'm autistic and I don't mask. I just try to be who God created me to be. And I wish that people wouldn't try to tell me how to be me, especially in specific areas. That, to me, is God's job not yours, that is what I tell people that try to tell me how to be me.
Some git online had a go at me once, because I wrote I don't mask, I've never done that, that person got angry and started swearing and said yes you do. I do wonder if I mentioned If I wasn't white would that of changed anything, because part of the reason, I stick out is many different things. I've had people admit to not liking me because of my skin colour and some admitting not liking disabled people. The word Masking should be called Sheeping, because it's just copying and it stands out more, the wording. I've only heard the word masking been used on UA-cam only, never outside. I've heard calling people sheep been used outside.
It's the other way around for me, I have only ever heard it called Masking. Masking makes sense, whereas 'Sheeping' doesn't. Sheep, follow...and that isn't what masking is. Masking is about blending. You don't follow others under their thought process, you blend to reduce impact of concerns such as bullying. But like yourself, that's just my perspective 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism "Masking" is tricky because it can sound like it's deliberate and trying to fool people. I've come up with "adapting" as in adapting to the non-autistic culture, something you learn from very early on. When I'm trying to explain it, I may use that word or say that masking is not deliberate but it is automatic adapting. You don't figure out you are masking until you fiid you are autistic.
Bloody brilliant! All of it (well apart from the health stuff). When a parent or grandparent denies it, remind them that you had to inherit it from someone haha!
I found out at 49 because my son was struggling and we got testing and help Then they looked to me and said have you ever considered yourself autistic? And would you be willing to do testing? Um ok BOOM Autistic AF I knew I struggled my whole life but, never understood why Now I do and glad to know it Because now I understand myself and my son so much better
I am fairly easygoing about people who say that I am not autistic. Sure, it can be damaging but it's also an opportunity to explain things to them. I think we have to be careful about having rules about what people say to us, as that can lead to even more of a divide. As a group we are isolated enough. I am not sure of the lists of taboo things to say that other people in different groups have. I hope that they won't be too harsh on me if I say something they are sick of hearing. Of course there comes a point where someone may not take you seriously whatever you say. In that case, there is an issue. However, I try not to think the worst of people from the outset. A kind response is my first line of defense.
Just stumbled across you. I do not have health anxiety. I have full-blown health panic. I empathise and wish that all ends well after your two weeks have passed. I'm on the same time clock and the ticking feeds the panic. Add total mistrust of the medical industry and try to avoid stirring. Before learning WHY I am, I felt broken, less than. Now I know I simply AM, and as long as I am not in a doctor's office, or a lab, or a scanner, as long as I am free of all that, I celebrate. You should too. 29:54
I’m grateful to see this video Paul! I really only can relate to a few autistic folks on UA-cam and you are one. The constant Masking and strange anxiety are playing mind games with me lately. No fun
Another amazing video! You articulated this issue so well. I wish you the best in your health. I'm in a similar space with my physical health and it's really difficult. Solidarity!
Hi Paul, I am so sorry that you have had those health struggles. Yes, anxiety is something that I have every day. I'm glad you are doing this video!!! 🍀🌞🌳
I’m newly diagnosed autistic and just found your videos last night. I’ve been watching through a bunch of them and found so many of your unique experiences are so relatable for me. So glad I found your videos. Thank you so much.
This is probably stupid but i have been watching a lot of videos from different people that have autism and they all have green eyes like myself. coincidence? (i was also diagnosed late at 47)
Hi Paul, Another really good video, thank you. I'm busy trying to put the finishing touches to my dossier I'm sending off to the Autism diagnosis centre. And yes, I concur, there's a reason I'm asking for an evaluation. I'm not going into it not knowing anything about Autism though. Things started falling apart some time ago and I'm the sort of person who wants to do everything by myself if at all possible, so I've been reading book after book after book, watching hours of videos (probably many weeks worth if they were all played one after the other in a binge session) and I'm pretty much convinced Autism is my issue. But, as you've said in other videos, self-recognition as Autistic only goes so far. I might be wrong. To me it fits like a glove, it feels right, it explains SOOO many things from my life, I'm comfortable with that as an explanation and ready to review/repair/replace all sorts of things in my life following that hypothesis. And if I'm wrong, that would be just another stool kicked out from under me. It's an answer which fits and gives me a sound starting place for rebuilding things. But yes, maybe I'm wrong. And waiting for answers and suchlike is very difficult. The waiting list is up to 18 months long here for getting an Autism evaluation. That's going to be very hard. "Just forget about it and get on with something else for 18 months" Yeah, right! I will get round to sending you the e-mail I was planning to write soon. I know what you mean about needing your head to be in the right place before being able to do things. I hope you're feeling better. Silly me hadn't really realised that you hadn't made any videos recently - i've been watching your videos loads over the last few weeks and hadn't really looked at when they were made. Did I tell you your Christmas series ones were a big hit with the kids? Thank you for what you're doing. That's another reason to want a formal diagnosis - to feel legitimate to speak out as and Autistic person (or a person with Autism 😉) and maybe make myself a youtube channel where I can talk about my own experiences. Can't really see myself doing that without a formal diagnosis - speaking out as someone who thinks they're probably Autistic doesn't really have the same clout (in my opinion at least).
Thank you for your "random" videos, introverted autistic perspective, and refusal to offer strategies on how to be outgoing. Wishing you health relief!
Ach, the nightmare of family events.., I told my partner "from now on, only once every ten years." At 63, I happen to be in the reverse situation as you when telling people "I'm probably autistic" (currently in the tube, after an autistic burn-out), everybody replies kind of : "but, it's so obvious, of course you are". Makes me think I'm the last one to figure out ! Just to say this situation may also occur.
Spot on Paul about reaching that crisis point. My body said no more repeated trauma after a lifetime hanging on and had a shocking shut down and i broke recently. I have no choice but to go down that path and seek that help now. So lots of figuring out to do. Your videos are great. Wishing you well. 👍
I salute you and the commenters. I'm a 52 year old sober alcoholic and newly discovered mono tropic. Just the beginning of a new very scary journey. My life has taken an unreal turn. I could leave a book in the comments. Any way. I wish you all the best.
Mate. I’m almost 49. Diagnosed last week after 9 years searching and 2 of those full bore NHS poking and prodding. I’m burst. I’m glad I caught this. I’ve listened to you before. This is like rewinding my existence listening to your experiences. My mind is blown by the realisation I’m special but that’s nothing special. Is it just a bad movie on repeat for us all who slipped the net? 😮💨 Love to chat. I’m not too tech savvy. Keep up the chat. I recognise the knife edge energy balancing act you wrestle with. I have the tremor too. Feels like next doors washing machine is on spin 🤯 Anyway. Thanks. 💙🏴🙌🏼
Your description of 'hitting the wall' resonates strongly ... I only started looking into what might be 'wrong' with me after completely burning out under circumstances that most folks around me seemed to think should have been no problem (apart from months of back-to-back 80+ hour work weeks, which most agreed would create considerable stress). I still haven't gotten an official diagnosis because (a) I cannot afford it and (b) it would only make negative differences in my life now. Most people I have discussed this with already (trying to explain that I think I am autistic and have done years of research to confirm this) don't believe me or are just 'humoring' me - even those I thought I was close to - and I can tell that if I got a diagnosis I would get the "You paid to become autistic then?" response from here on. My parents and my wife (who we now believe is also autistic - it makes a lot of sense of our lives) thankfully believe me and recognize it now. It was another family member who originally suggested it to me many years ago, before any burnout, half-jokingly, and she was the least surprised of anyone when I started talking seriously about it. But the thing is, diagnosis or not, it helped me initially to realize that I am likely autistic (and it made sense of most of my life circumstances / strengths and weaknesses to this point), but it does little or nothing to help outside of that internal confirmation, and has served to strain my work life and basically every relationship outside my nuclear family. I don't want to become reclusive to the point that it damages me or my family long-term but the alternatives are getting harder to manage as I get older (I am in my 40s).
Just make sure you are kind to yourself too along the way. The balance needs to be assessed from your perspective about how long it takes to recharge 👍🏻
This really resonates with me. I have to keep changing jobs , ive only just been promoted, 6 months in i want to change again, its the people. I hate having to act dumb to fit in.I really just want to sit at home and re charge .
I’m 59. I just had my two autism assessments last week, so waiting for the verdict. My best friend and also my big brother (the person I’ve always been closest to in my family) both refuse to believe that I might be autistic. They are the two people I needed support from the most, but both categorically denied the possibility. My friend seemed to take it personally and used the word “fake” when asking if I masked when in her company. Our relationship has taken a nose dive since then, as we just don’t know how to talk to each other anymore. If I do get an autism diagnosis, I don’t think they will respond any differently. I’d like to think they’ll be accepting, but they’re both so sure I’m wrong. I’m dreading coming out as autistic because of the negative reactions I’m likely to face.
Just remember this...'good people understand'. Titles of people don't matter, the quality of their character does. It's a tough reality, but you shouldn't have to be fake so their world doesn't get disrupted. Be true, see what they do. If it's negative, then the answer of what to do was given to you 👍🏻
Thank you! Your video resonated so strongly with me. You articulated my experience so clearly. I still struggle with disclosure and the fear of rejection or being misunderstood. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
Paul, I have been thinking about you a lot, and I am so glad to see and hear you again, and all the things you say are so affirming and helpful. Thank you so very much for showing up... "Mask", yeah that says it ALL... Thank you again, All the best, 😊
So happy I found this video and your channel. It’s helped more than I could clearly express, especially amongst the sea of autism related videos that don’t seem helpful, at least to me.
I was listening to the audiobook “The 3 body problem” It’s not about Autism at all but in the book a doctor mentions a patient that had had unusual behavior and the doctor in the book mentions the patient having injuries in early youth that they suspected caused them to be Autistic. Is that a thing? My entire life I’ve been the perfect example of all these behaviors autistic People are talking about on here (actually not all I don’t seem to have much OCD type stuff). But the issue is for me is that I did have a head injury. I must’ve been around four. I have a scar on my head that was never adequately explained to me. I also know that at some point very young I developed a 106 fever from strep they had to put me in a tub full of ice and that’s never been explained to me. And after that on a regular basis, I was given a series of shots over a year and I think they were penicillin. I didn’t pursue all that to find out more. I have all the typical family issues they seem like a lot of people have also. I 100% have working memory problems. If I’m not careful, I can do a series of things that I won’t remember an hour later like I was in a trance or something. I’d appreciate any suggestions where I can begin to look into this. I’m in Austin Texas. I need to do more research but I want to know a definitive diagnosis if it’s just behaviors, then I’d rather pretend I didn’t have it and try to adjust my behaviors. But if I have something that is a physical issue and they can test it then I’d like to know.
“It’s hard to know where that mask starts and where the real you starts.” Exactly this - this has been the question since my diagnosis at 45. Thank you, Paul - I feel much less alone hearing that.
Glad it helped 👍🏻
Same here, diagnosed three weeks ago and still struggling with that. When you can we are here or your videos Paul.
I really don't understand what this "masking" thing is all about. I never even though about putting up any form of fake front, what you see is what you get, no filters.
Social rules have always been so confusing to me, I never even bothered to understand them enough to have any form of "mask".
It must be some online meme or something.
I'm also probably less functional in my autism. my "career" failed decades ago, I never married, no kids, heck, it's been longer since my last time than is was before my first time, if you know what I mean. I don't even have any friends, i don't know where to go, the internet has ruined the real world. There's nothing left out there.
And I have never been able to "pretend" or "mask" to be one of them, out there.
I’m so glad you mentioned not wanting to attend family events because you don’t get anything from them.
I have always felt like I’ve had to force myself to spend time with my family and sit through excruciating small talk that lacks substance or connection.
My family are more like familiar strangers to me, than family. It’s always felt that way, for as long as I can remember. I constantly wondered if I’d been secretly adopted, or abandoned by aliens, because I never had a sense of belonging in my family.
Finally at age 40, I’ve stopped forcing myself.. I’ve learned to sit with the discomfort and guilt - that I was conditioned to feel - of knowing that they don’t understand why I’ve chosen to distance myself.
My entire upbringing was one big act, like an actor on stage, performing, so everyone else will think I’m “normal”. I don’t want to keep acting anymore.
I hear you. Definitely something that comes with age where we just want to get off that merry-go-round 👍🏻
Totally relate as well. I feel more and more inclined to have nothing to do with them. Wondering what I get out of it at all, sitting there, pretending I'm someone else or putting up with their occasional toxicity and abuse. It definitely comes with age, indeed.
Thing is, family is all you have in the long run. I'm 54, (dx at 33), I have no friends now, no career, no spouse, no kids, no nothing. Just my parents and sister who live separately and I only visit with a little.
Ilove them, they are all I have, they are extremely understanding of my autism, but they are still not friends.
They may be understanding of autism, but they still don't really understand ME, what i say.
Nobody does. :(
At least you can "act", I can't even do that. I'm jealous of all these other autistics who actually CAN "mask", gee with that I could, maybe I could have had a better chance of scoring an interview for a job or something. Have some resembling a 'social life".
But I refuse to make friends based on a fake front, why ever bother if what they know is a fake me?
Apparently nobody wants to know the real me though. I can't make friends online or off. I don't' trust online, and there is no place left to go offline.
I don't go to them either. Same reason.
@@peterbelanger4094. I so relate. I have two grown kids but no spouse, can’t seem to hang on to jobs and zero friends. I can mask but it is exhausting. One of my kids is getting married in a few weeks. I have been crying daily, some joy but mostly how a wedding reflects the total emptiness of my life. The one person who understood me remarried recently and is all wrapped up with her shiny new husband. It is like I don’t exist anymore. Just another loss ya know? I have a few other mental health issues (OCD, etc ) that make this journey extra fun. I find I am very much like Paul. I stay in the dark in my home most of the time. Paul’s channel is bringing me great comfort though. And all of you as well. ❤
The part about not being able to do it anymore that really hit home. That went on for over a decade in my case before I finally had an answer. The answer was autism and the hope I felt post diagnosis slowly eroded as I disclosed my diagnosis and met with, either indifference or hostility in response. A few people understood and we’re supportive. Most were not. It’s like being C on a life raft after a horrible shipwreck a drift for years, and suddenly what appears to be rescue steams towards you only to turn away at the last minute and say you’re fine and head off on its way. Leaving a huge wake that threatens to swamp your little raft. Wow just wow….
" You thought autism was a brand of mint" 😂🤣🤣😂 😂😂😂🤣🤣 This is my new favorite catchphrase
👍🏻
I agree that it's better to be alone than to be with a wrong person!!!
Absolutely is 👍🏻
I am 59 years old. I have watched many of your videos--it's all starting to make sense. I have been diagnosed: bipolar, CPTSD, Borderline, Major depression. I had an ex girlfriend tell me I was autistic and ADD. Now, after watching your videos--especially the one on 6 reasons you might be autistic or something like that, it all makes sense. My high-school girlfriend from decades ago told me recently I'm single because I'm scary--too smart and too honest. Now, what do I do? Thank you for your videos. I relate to everything you say.
I hope you can find someone who is also smart and honest. I always got dinged for being too smart because I'm an information junkie. Not only in my special interest areas, but in others that come up. Think is, I hate small talk and will be happy to converse on other subjects but people usually don't want to do that. It is isolating. But finding out about autism can make it possible, plus choosing carefully.
Thank you, I am glad it helped 👍🏻
Well said 👍🏻
Move to a country where people don't get involved with others, follow strict social rules of etiquette, and talking on public transport is forbidden.
I believe I'm talking about modern Asian countries.
absolutely. for us, recharge time is not free time. for neurotypicals they can be synonymous. but for a lot of us, recharge takes some energy as well.
To create the right setting to be able to recharge can cost energy. Very true
You're not broken, damaged, or disabled. Thank you for allowing us your strength, courage, and hope, Paul. Lots of love.
Jess
I have felt broken and damaged all my life. I am not saying that's what anyone else is, I just speak of myself.
Thanks Jess 👍🏻
Sorry that you feel that way. Maybe you're in tact in a broken world?
@@AdultwithAutism there is no doubt that there are things in today’s society that are pathological many people see it and if you happen to be someone who’s behaviors do not mirror, others in the same ways that most peoples do then maybe you’re not having those same pathologies and maybe that’s an advantage
Your not broken,damaged, or disabled if you happen to be rich and overpriveledged. I'm glad it was mentioned in one of his videos.
Your the first person with Aspergers l identify with, l mentioned Aspergers to family and friends and the reaction crushed me and that will never happen again.
I returned to my Catholic faith and totally immersed myself into it,l give myself mind body and soul and this saved me, friends family and the world will destroy you for being different , God won’t.
New subscriber - diagnosed yesterday at 41 - wasn't a shock but happy to find a truly honest person talking about ALL the aspects of late diagnosis, not just the "celebrated" social media angle - which again is like another pressure to fit in - I *must* be happy about it or else I'm letting the "side" down 🤦♀️
I know that feeling, it is why I cannot fit into Autism communities 👍🏻
Do you need a diagnosis? Seeing some good videos and information I'm sure I have Autism at 59 . But does it change anything?
@@jablot5054 in the U.K. a diagnosis doesn't really change anything- might be a few support groups etc you can join but virtually no post diagnosis support. I decided to get a diagnosis just for my own peace of mind - I needed to know if I was in fact autistic or just chronically anxious and avoidant of socialising- so knowing I'm autistic allows me accept my differences which helps my mental health going forward.
Thank you very much for this excellent video. ❤️
I love your honest, no shit, presentation style.
I hit a wall last year, at age 62, discovered to my horror that I was Autistic 2 months ago.
I was one of those prejudiced people who either never gave Autism a thought or believed they were all 'Arm Flapping Broccolis". A brand of breath mints works too😭
Raised to believe all birth defects should be euthanized so was very motivated to mask as a child.
Have been struggling in the Mental Health services for 47 years with multiple diagnoses, dreaming on a cure.
Not really sure what to do now.
I have been actively shattering and crushing my personality my whole life with the assistance of well meaning psychiatrists.
Not even sure how much of me is left.
Some masks were easy to identify because I can no longer hold them but at present, I learn, try to recover from burnout and avoid everyone.
Videos like yours are a gamechanger. Thank you.🌹🫶🌹
Hope you are feeling better soon.
🥰🥰🇨🇦
Thank you, and hope things get easier 👍🏻
Thank you for sharing some of your experiences.
At least five members of my family have spent time in hospital for psychiatric issues and similar diagnoses to yours. As time has gone by, our awareness of how Autism can present has increased significantly.
I cannot imagine what it must have been like for any child - especially an Autistic child such as yourself - being raised with the idea that children with birth defects should be euthanized. At least you were able to mask and had the ability to grow into an adult. I watched another video today - I don’t recall which one - that talked about fawning. At one point in the video, the man said, “fawning, aka masking”. That perked my ears up. I hadn’t realized that I’d been doing that my entire life, much of the time. Both fawning and masking are terms that are new to me, as is stimming. However, the more that I learn about them, the more that I recognize those - and many other - autistic traits in myself, my three sons, and multiple members of the household that I grew up in as well. And, I’d begun doing so, because I’d always felt that I was in the wrong, even though I was basically scared sh*tless about “frying in h*ell”, having been brought up with a great deal of religious coercion (something else that I’ve recently realized and am unpacking).
You mentioned that you aren’t really sure what to do now, which is why I am responding. You’ll figure out what helps you over time. While you’re adjusting to your new understanding of how your brain works, you might benefit from diving into a study of various types of trauma responses… there are four of them, I believe: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn (apparently aka masking). Perhaps you’re similar to me, in that the fawning response seems most prevalent for you - maybe not. I personally found this information to be potent and powerful in terms of getting a better glimpse of *why* I have behaved a certain way for years and years.
You also mentioned that you can no longer hold some masks. I get that. Holding everything together - tucked in as well, so as not to make others uncomfortable - has been entirely exhausting for me, and has taken a serious toll on my overall physical health as well. I can only speak for myself, of course. I will share that, once I recognized that overwhelm in my life for what it was, I spent some time deciding which where the most important masks to try to wear, and where could I drop them all, and just be - safely - me? Usually, nobody is on the veranda or in the garden where I live, besides my dog and I. Thinking about that, I simply decided to spend as much time there as I could manage. Sometimes, I would rather not feel so isolated; at the same time, not having the constant friction rubbing me the wrong way when others don’t seem to understand why and what I have to say, is enjoyable. I prefer to have as many enjoyable moments in my life as I can. The more of those that I can create, the more irritations and friction from those who do not relate to me, I am able to tolerate. The problem hasn’t been “solved” but it has become more tolerable.
I hope that you’re feeling a bit better by now - I noticed that your original comment was some months ago.
Cheers,
Monica
@@MonicaMolinar Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate response.
Actually, I am miles from that place now. Hard to believe this was only 4 months ago. I spent most of my life in fight, freeze or fawn.🙄
I have been able to improve brain function by 50% and get rid of depression and anxiety by going Carnivore (plus supplements) and in my usual intense way, have researched everything I could possibly find about Autism😂😂
I am doing so much better now, thank you.❤️👍
@@reneedevry4361 Awesome! Congratulations! It is so hopeful to know that you’ve made significant improvements to your quality of life so quickly. Hooray! Well done! May your brain function continue to improve. Cheers!
@@MonicaMolinar Thank you so much. ❤️The channel "Generic Art Dad" really helped a lot too. He creates amazing educational Autistic skits.👍
"I don't need spoons!" 😂 "Forgot the name, the elephant one" 😂 Great to have you back Paul. Love your videos. They realy help me to make sense of things and balance me out. I had a problem with the glands and lymphs in my neck after covid too. They seem to be OK now so try not to worry. It's people that don't get these things checked out.. I'm getting a small lump on my leg removed in the next few months and I'm thinking the worst as always. I have had pretty negative experiences in the past when disclosing my diagnosis. But, recently I changed GP and it was the best move as she is so understanding and knows her stuff about Autism and adhd etc I went away feeling great. Thanks again, take care and hope to see you back again soon!
Did you? That's interesting you had that reaction after Covid. I am hoping with everything I am that it's what's happened to me too. Guess I'll find out soon 👍🏻
Thank you so much for making this... You hit the nail on the head by describing how at 51 i was put on the NHS waiting list 6 months ago because i went to my GP and told her i dont know whyvi am here but.... I left with an anxiety and depression diagnosis and antidepressants.... A year later after no change i how i felt i went for my medication review with a different GP who passed me on to her colleague who had experience working with autustic people and after a chat about me, my past and my mother..... Well here i am on that list 😁
I'm pleased you got there in the end . Antidepressants nearly cost me my life. I don't respond to medication like other people. The opposite happens. My mum always told me I was backwards 😄
Glad you're on the path now. Always a bumpy one to take though isn't it! 👍🏻
Like me, I need 10 injections for a filling. Meds just bounce off me! 👍🏻
For years I just saw myself as an introvert with anxiety and different doctors agreed. The medication they gave me did work in ways but it didn’t touch the ‘core’ problem. And here I am
Knowing it’s autism and I’m almost more confused in ways lol
@@soyunperderdor7246did you try ssris and snris? Anti depressants can have drastically different effects and it takes weeks or month for them to start working
By the time most people go in for a s diagnosis ... They are already broken.
The case for a lot of later diagnosed Autistics, absolutely 👍🏻
Thank you for making this video. I totally relate. It is hard to explain or for the neurotypical to understand the difference between recharge and free time.
Agree
No problem 👍🏻
👍🏻
Thank you for making this video. So powerful. It certainly 'spoke' to me and my experiences. I hope that your anxiety levels reduce soon.
Thank you 👍🏻
This hit hard for me. I don't think any other content creator has approached this subject the way you do. The journey of how we got to seek a diagnosis, is so important. Thanks for another great video. Wishing you health and contentment. You are very much appreciated.❤ ❤❤
Thank you 👍🏻
I told my mother who is 87 and she reacted exactly the way you said - it is funny how predictable it can be. My family is in complete denial and apparently there is nothing wrong with me..well I knew that already, but apparently as you say, no parent wants that "terrible' label for their child, even though that label, made my life 1000000% better because I knew how to look after myself finally at age 51. Any person who denies you, yes, you are right, I can't mask for them anymore either, so they effectively wipe themselves out of my life because they cannot accept me and that's ok because it's not healthy to keep people like that in your life anyway. Thank you for the 'free time versus recharge time' that really hit me in a good way. Love your work and hope you feeling better soon.
Thank you, and that's the nail on the head...they don't want anything 'wrong' with you. But in this corner of Autism, we simply need acceptance and to be treated well as we treat others. It is the 'wrong' that creates the problems which we then struggle with 👍🏻
Has anyone ever told you your voice is really soothing?
Only on here. In my day to day, I get told it's very boring and could talk a glass eye to sleep! 👍🏻
“Can’t vs. Won’t” is a great reflection on what masking is about. ❤
Hi Paul
Just recently at the age of 49 I felt like I had hit a wall, my mind was struggling to process anything which I feel made my depression worse. After trying extra hard to mask this especially at work, I felt completely exhausted almost as if I had run out of road and had nowhere left to go, I was prescribed sertraline 50 mg four weeks ago and I pray that these will eventually get me back to whatever my normal is. I felt like a weak person turning to antidepressants, but I suppose that for most of us of a certain age, we were told from childhood that if you full down you need to pick yourself up and brush yourself off and carry on, but now I except the fact that if we full down there is nothing wrong with someone helping us get back up. Nice to see you back again Paul.
Very true. The old school mentality has a lot to answer for over decisions I've made 👍🏻
This was such a helpful video. I'm going through some crises, some of it from ill reactions to me because I'm autistic. I'm not going into details about that because I'm trying to recover, but you are right about feeling resentful about it. I always just kept my head down and tried not to be seen as different, but that's no longer my job. Here are a couple of easier situations that I'm thinking about after this video.
I took a hiatus from a small social group I was part of. Partly I was quite busy, but I think it was also that I hadn't told them I'm autistic and that became more and more difficult, not knowing how I would be received. Well, I decided to tell them soon and probably next time we get together, I will. Previously I felt confused/conflicted about telling them and wanting to be with them kind of withered. Thinking about telling them feels healthy, like I am standing up for myself.
On the other hand, I told a member of my nuclear family and he said, "No, you're not." Thing is, he's clearly autistic but not diagnosed. Part of his response is from his own masking, I'm sure. If you have been masking and partly successful in life., so this was likely a threat to that. I previously told another family member and it was the same. It's very, very clear she is also autistic.. Much autism in my family and much defensiveness. The second person has had a hard life economically and mostly hasn't worked,. She's normally very defensive and that's impression management, but her masking is less successful than the other person and it's clear she doesn't understand why she gets rejected so much,. If neither of these people doesn't react well to me saying I'm autistic, it may be that they have been hurt more than I have and are more heavily masked. It hurt briefly when they said this, but the good thing was I realized that no one had to believe me, it doesn't change that I am autistic. Once I understood that it was freeing.
If the members of my social group don't react well, I don't see any future for me in the group, so it will probably dwindle my seeing them. However, with the autistic family members, I will keep my relationship with them since I understand them as being probably more damaged by the reactions to their autism than I was. I don't live close to either, mostly chat on the phone. I do know, after enduring a lot at large Thanksgiving gathering, that I won't be doing any more gatherings like that. It was miserable and took weeks to finally recover. Always been so, but I never quite understood why. You've been helpful to me understanding that. Thank you.
You're important too, so your decisions need to be yours for your reasons. You are not doing anything bad, and if others don't understand, then just know it is better to know now as your authentic self 👍🏻
Me again, watched and listened again. You speak
fiercely, passionately and eloquently. That is a gift. And in that gift is the help you want to give to those who deeply need it. Like me. 70-something and different as far back as I can remember. Didn't walk through a door. Read Temple Grandin, book on the "discard sale" library shelf, cover with a beautiful dog head, called Animals in Translation, rattled my bones with recognition. Then read many of her sources, parallel reactions, joy and sorrow. But still alive to have otbers explain me to me. It affects everything, doesn't it, past and present, and however long the future is when 70-some with serious health panic. I know there is not long enough left to process it all.
I thank you deeply. I look forward to all the other videos--to have a companion spirit in this solitary journey within matters to me perhaps more than you can imagine, Paul.
I'm just glad you can relate to some of the videos 👍🏻
Thanks so much Paul for sharing your experience. I was nodding my head the whole way through! Totally get the health anxiety and I wish you well in life. I am 50 in July and finally got diagnosed at 38 but I am still processing now. I am realizing a lot of my family are probably autistic and masking but they,ve also been very abusive also - a lot of generational shame. Shame is a tough one- i'm seeing in in myself and my family, society and the invalidation. I was in mental health services for 18 years after a suicide attempt at 20 when a psychiatrist finally said "Has Liz ever been tested for autism" (My younger brother got diagnosed at 6 and just recently one of my cousins in his 40's o my fathers side) . Autism also runs on my mothers side. My mother happens to be very narcissisitic and I'm not sure if it's shame based or whether she is autistic and masking too. She exhibits BPD traits which I originally got diagnosed with and I also know it's possible to have both as well as misdiagnosis. As I spend less time with my mother I am my real self and how my mother devalues and people pleases. I am logical, calm an straightforward around her but I can't be around her often. She has mocked my disability at times then acted caring so I give a wide birth. I genuinely also feel empathy as well as protecting my own sanity - her upbringing was awful but she still try's too much too see the good while denying how she was abused and of course the anger comes out sideways at other people!
I agree with spending less time with people who cause us difficulty...regardless of who it is. Family not exempt 👍🏻
Thanks for your post. I rarely see anyone talk about autistic families, but there is at least a strong genetic component. Both my parents and all my siblings were/are clearly autistic. Some don't pass at all, and some pretty well. I thought there was a lot of abuse from my father and now especially one brother. However, once I realized these were meltdowns it shed a different light. My dad always had my back when needed, but worked a terrible job for an autistic person so he melted down and it seemed abusive when I was a kid. I cried when I realize how much he suffered because he would apologize after his meltdowns. He did the best he could. I married (later divorced) someone who is autistic but also very judgmental. So difficult. I've forgiven all these folks, important to me, but my one brother who can be extremely hurtful out of malice is the one I'm estranged from, though forgive him in my heart. He was bullied more than the rest of us as a child and I see why it happened, but it's emotionally damaging/dangerous to be around him. He never apologizes. They say how autism is a spectrum and when you see all these differences in your family, it's very true. My other brother is autistic and very kind. None of them will admit they are autistic and so deny that I am when I've told them that I am. Partly, we need more autism awareness for this to happen, I think.
I'm a 60 year old woman who was just formally diagnosed autistic 5 months ago. I tried going through my insurance, but was told they only pay for children, not adults. So I paid a good amount of money to get my diagnosis privately. I have suspected I was autistic for about 15 years, and finally last year decided it was time to find out for sure. It wasn't to get anything out of it (at my age, there are many accomodations I would qualify for), but rather just for my own peace of mind.
I haven't told anyone yet of my diagnosis (besides my therapist, who I just began working with a few months ago). I don't actually have any friends at the moment, and don't do much socially, and I'm estranged from my family, so there isn't really anyone to tell.
Maybe someday I will share it, but I'm going to be very careful about who, and under what circumstances.
Certainly something that needs consideration when you tell others. I did it quite liberally, and that was the wrong choice for me
You're right about a bad response causing a person to not want to be around people anymore.
It's been 2 years since I tried to tell some "close" family and friends that I was in autistic burnout and why it happens. I got crappy responses, which I interpreted as uncaring and downright mean. I dumped all except my parents. I've been trying to heal from past trauma and get my head back together since then.
I'm still isolating because even my parents don't understand me, and I still mask when I'm with them.
They accepted my diagnosis when I got it, but they still expect me to act neurotypical. I do to have a peaceful life, and have low contact.
I hope someday I can be a social being again, but I'm not pushing myself anymore.
You shouldn't push anymore. Don't make the effort for people who won't meet you half way 👍🏻
Glad I found this. Was 40 for diagnosis. Autistic experience is my new special interest and it's been difficult to find community where the majority relate to a diagnosis at this late an age (and being this old at all, frankly). People lose interest in what I have to say when they realize I'm From The Time Before The Internet. It's been very alienating trying to belong somewhere even online.
Also when I told my mother I thought I might be she denied it. When I got the diagnosis and she believed me she switched to asking what she might have done in utero for me to end up autistic or what she could have done differently in my childhood to expose me to more neurotypical role models and just blaming herself and asking my forgiveness. It was really impossible to respond to her like that.
People need to stop feeling bad for Autism, and talk to the person instead 👍🏻
This is divine timing seeing this. Going through this right now with my family and friends. Ugh. This is so validating and I've said so many of the same things. Thanks for posting this.
No problem, hope it all goes well 👍🏻
Thank you, hope things turn out fine for you. @@AdultwithAutism
Thank you 👍🏻
sh*t I enjoyed this vid, thankyou very much mate - I enjoy your demeanor - and unapologetic and honest presentation of its autistic struggle for a late diagnosed person!
Many thanks 👍🏻
Thank you Paul. It takes so much out of us to even talk to people. I appreciate you time and brilliant insight. It means a lot to me. So good to see you! I was diagnosed at 64.
No problem at all 👍🏻
“It takes so much out of us to even talk to people”
Yes and I always thought this was due to me just being introverted with anxiety but I knew it had to be
More. I’ve found as I get older it gets even harder to talk to people and I get drained even faster. I pretty much much have to be asocial towards neighbors - I just wave hi and that’s it.. I just can’t do the social stuff anymore
Summer is coming up and I honestly almost dread it. I like the dead of winter and no one outside
@@brianmeen2158 Oh, yes. I love to take walks in the winter, or even on rainy days. But in the other seasons, I can't go very far without social expectations, even if it's everyone saying how glorious the day is. That sounds mean, but it's not. Just overwhelm.
Hi I am 63. Where can I go to get tested? Thanks
Thank you, for this. It has helped me more than you may ever know. Blessings 🕊💕🕯😇🙏💚
Really glad it helps 👍🏻
Really Good Point made in this video Paul: it took a Total Shut-down to make me realise I needed to 'seek help'.
I was in my late 40's and had just started a New Job, where the Boss who'd Hired me 'moved sideways' & suddenly a New Boss was 'parachuted in'. He was an Ex-Navy guy, who's leadership style was to shout, swear, threaten & demean people in front of their Peers.
I came into work one morning, filled with Anxiety, and I was dreading the arrival this guy... It got to 9am & there was no sign of him. I completely froze-up around 9:05 & was unable to work or do anything. I sat staring at my PC for about an hour, then just got up & walked out of the office and Never Went Back. I Ignored his call all day & the next day too.
2 days later I'm on a 'Disciplinary Call' with HR: I had a Complete Meltdown on the phone & was essentially Fired at the End of the Call. (They believed Old-Navy & Not Me!)
Long story short - I was 'Black Listed' in the Industry I worked in and was out of work for over a Year. The Bank foreclosed & I lost my House. I realise I'm Rambling now, so I'll finish up. Hitting the Wall led me to be Diagnosed at 51.
Mate I am sorry to hear that, really am. And as terrible as that is, that is the reason it is so important people are more aware of Autism in adults. The point in diagnosis is to assist, not to tell us after the fact. But I hope you're well...and it's never rambling 👍🏻
I'm doing fine now thanks Paul - sometimes things can be a 'Blessing in Disguise'. I'm successfully Self Employed now. I never have to have anymore Anxiety & Sleepless Nights because of Neurotypical Workplace Bullying 😅
Really glad it worked out in the end. Just rubbish to have to go through it all in the first place 👍🏻
Good to see you again Paul. I was diagnosed at age 46 and couldn't accept it for two years as I had this stereotypical view of what autism was and I didn't fit that. Then my son was diagnosed too and that put the end of my doubts. I think it runs in my family as I also have two nephews with autism diagnosis. Hello from Sheffield by the way.
Hello in Sheffield 👍🏻
I only just discovered your videos today. After watching a few, I went to your profile to browse your other videos and saw the large gap between your last one and this one, which was just eight hours old when I watched it. Sorry to hear about your health concern and hope it turns out to be nothing serious. Like you said, maybe long COVID.
In my opinion, most people do not know that autism is a spectrum. When they hear the word "autism," they automatically envision someone who has severe communication and learning disabilities. When someone whom they have been interacting with on an equal or greater intellectual level tells them they have autism, disbelief or denial is a natural reaction based on their limited understanding of autism. I dont believe their intent is to belittle the diagnosis. They need to be educated.
Education is a big part of it, and as you say because it is a Spectrum, it is better to come from the person if they're able to do so 👍🏻
I agree with you about the "automatic envison". I'm not a good communicator in these circumstances, so finding ways to explain it is what I'm working on now. But I have explained it to a couple of people and they still didn't respond that well. I'll start, "It's a new diagnosis (relatively)". It's a spectrum which doesn't mean a continuum, but rather diverse manifestations." Not sure what comes next except to say how it affects me, perhaps that I'm genuinely good with listening, but can have trouble talking except scripts." Also, I can read emotional cues well but am lost with social cues, utterly unable. For example, this means I can't figure when I'm supposed to leave a social get-together until the person is uncomfortable which I can read and I realize I've overstayed." Also, this is only my form of autism, there are many differences between people with ASD. I may also say that Elon Must has said he's autistic. He's the world's richest man. (I'm pretty poor). Hoping they don't see Musk as political here, just an autistic man who is part of the diversity, and you have to admit, going to space is an achievement.
That was brilliant, Paul. Good to see you back! Julie
Thank you Julie 👍🏻
People don't realize everyone pays for a diagnosis. Many are lucky enough to have parents who on top of needing a healthcare plan whether it's government or insurance, also need to see the signs and take them in to get screened.
Even if someone does go in just out of curiosity, you can't pay for a diagnosis. You pay to get screened. You get a diagnosis if you have a condition to diagnose. (Unless ur trying to get prescription stimulants by an online doctor)
I wouldn't hold too much resentment toward those types of people who respond like that. Everyone is struggling and everyone to some extent wears a mask. Some may have been struggling with undiagnosed conditions as well and I can imagine it's easy to feel like they are struggling just as much if not more and instead of coming to the conclusion that "maybe there is some thing that is fundamentally off about me that makes my life difficult that I should look into" they have come to the conclusion that they are Infact typical and life is just this insanely hard for everyone.
I knew people who had autism and I thought, it can't be that bad. From what I could see, they were far more functional than I was when it came to schooling, work, home life... Just about everything. I just assumed that I was just a major fuck up. not that I'm talking down on myself, more so that I was objectively bad at doing the things in life that are important to functioning in society. Even into adulthood, I took a long time for me to connect the fact that the reason these people are doing better than I am is because they are aware of their capabilities and limitations because they got diagnosed and they actively work on themselves.
It took 8 years in the navy before I broke and started to self destruct and ended up in the psyche ward at Walter Reed. Even after they diagnosed me(sort of) I was pretty indifferent and almost slightly bitter toward the news as I'd already fucked up my career.
Long story short, some people just need some extra time to fully understand .
I'm not paying to be screened. I'm getting it free on the NHS.
Massively underrated channel.
Thank you
I wondered why I tried copying people to try and be like them to fit in. It often didn't work because I was emulating rather than being original or true to myself. I wasn't particularly good at it but I realise I did do it alot in my youth.
I never knew why I needed to do it either. Thankfully figured it out in the end...and pulled away from as much of it as I could 👍🏻
AwA posts, I watch. Thanks for doing what you do :)
Thanks for watching 👍🏻
Hi Paul - nice to see you back here. I understand how debilitating health anxiety is - I am currently going through a major dental issue which I cannot even think about (it's just too terrifying on every level) - the anxiety is so bad I can't function really - I hope you feel better soon x
Thank you 👍🏻
well the whole story works the other way around as well... I am an NT woman with an undiagnosed Aspie partner, who does not want to see or believe that he might have Aspergers... we are very sure (his daughter has Aspergers as well) - but he does not want to even hear about it. He gets so mad about it! I will leave him alone with that issue but I am not sure if our relationship will survive, since he always thinks everybody else is "weird" except him.
I find it GREAt that you are diagnosed an speak so openly about it! THANKS for your videos. Kind regards from Germany
Best of luck. If he doesn't want to face it, then he has to face the potential changes in his life due to it. It isn't a bad thing, it helps make sense once diagnosed 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism thank you!
Great message through and through. The Closing message brought tears to my eyes and my heart yearn for ANYONE in my social circle to understand.
Understanding is all we ask for. Not for immense change. Just a little space to be closer to our design 👍🏻
I stumbled across it by accident 3 yrs ago. I was doing something I normally do, researching random stuff, I wanted to know why people didn't like Elon! And just like that my life turned upside down. It found me! My family is a hard sell. They seem to think it's like I just told them I don't like chicken. The confounding part is all of my traits, are things I've been lectured about and admonished for my entire life. I don't know how they don't understand.
Enjoying your vid in west australia. I saw a doctor and a psychologist once each, i discovered autism on my own and dont feel like i need them anymore, no diagnosis but thats okay for me at the moment but the same stands, i wouldnt have gone to a doctor if i didnt feel like something was up
One reason i don't tell people is because I feel like first I need to explain that Autism is not just the Hollywood examples but If you meet one Autistic person you've met One Autistic person, there's a spectrum we're all different.. and to explain what it is well ...that's near impossible for me to do.
So to me, it makes sense people wouldn't believe me.. Between Autism not being truly understood by the masses and a life time of me masking.. why would they?
What I have such a difficulty with expressing or the few people that do know, is how painful it is to live in this world with my brain and sensitivities. I am more alone since my diagnosis than before. Also not everyone can afford diagnosis.. being self-diagnosed autistic, can you imagine what their friends and family would say?
So in the end, I just isolate more and try to dive into my interests, Star Trek, Nature, Art and find happiness, find a simple life, learn to be my true self which in this world means, taking real good care of myself, my health/habits/diet/excercise (all of which are not easy at all for me to do).
I'm 57 woman, late diagnosed 3 years ago.. there seems to be NO ONE MY AGE out there with Autism and that is lonely too. So, I appreciate your channel.
There are many people around your age who watch the channel, so you are certainly not alone, I can assure you of that 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism thanks for that, i will check out your Patreon
Good to see you again.
Thank you 👍🏻
Awesome.
Many thanks👍🏻
health anxiety's rubbish I've struggled with it for years it's mad how it can produce real physical symptoms, I had so much tension in my neck I was losing my voice for months a while back then it caused tinnitus, sinus and eye pain, have to keep reminding myself to let go and stop tensing up
It's horrible isn't it? Hopefully my appointments can start to calm me if it's good news 👍🏻
😂 rare as rocking horse poo - I love learning new idioms! Thanks for that.
Anyhow, like your kind of humour, reaonates with mine.
When you said, people didn't know, they needed routines, didn't know they would comfort them... I felt a strong physically reaction, tears rising, deep sorrow not having treated me right, for not having known... Since I believe I understand I might ne an autistic person and respect my needs in front of the background of information and inspiration I got from several sources, I start feeling less breathless and exhausting. I feel less pressure and urge to explain myself. I feel valid! I appreciate and welcome this new vision of my old and young and always me heading into a self-determined future with a better self-esteem in public (I didn't suffer from a lack of that when I was on my own).
Had to write that, now go on listening stopping waffling...😅
Nearly finished: Thank you so so so much for explaining and stressing out recharging time! Due to my masking and people (mother-) pleasing (especially in my childhood where I setup that "skill") I never had the idea this was the cure I so badly needed! And of course not only when there was time for it. But when I needed it, I had to take a time out. And it has nothing to do with any preferences or how much you like something or someone... it just has to have highest priority. So thank ypu for pointing that out... reminds me to focus on that long before the last straw breaks the camel's back.
I am one of those very rare cases Paul, at least from the outside - wife, kids, career, eldest going to an excellent school - but a series of things (including getting two of my daughters diagnosed for ADHD) - and I found myself going in to get diagnosed - mostly I was thinking about ADHD, maybe getting access to a perscription that would help me focus better - but I ended up with an autism diagnosis (and not ADHD - because I wasn't "impaired enough" - stupid reason, but that is a fight for the future).
But the inside is very similar - yearning for friends but not understanding how other people operated - the stressors and my reactions to them - so clear in hindsight - but I didn't understand things before. From stimming to hearing things nobody else could to problems with changes in schedule - why did it bother me so much when my wife changed a schedule without telling me first? Why could I not be spontaneous. I have had people tell me "everyone feels that way" - even a therapist did the same - but I was like - you have no idea.
Watching videos by yourself and others have helped me understand so much (and maybe I will record some of my own videos) - I almost fell out of my chair when I found other autistic people who could hear the hum of electricity! I can't hear it in normal walls, but if I go near a breaker box, I can hear it. My wife is still struggling with it - my eldest daughter cheered.
Thanks for these videos and best wishes on your journey mate!
Definitely get some videos done. We need more real stories over those who practically tell you how to be Autistic these days 👍🏻
Hi I was diagnosed on the 8th of Feb this year and it took something horrible happening to get a diagnosis even considered. I’m really struggling rebuilding my life (although I did get a job in 2 weeks) and your videos are like the only thing I have right now and are really helping. I have extreme health anxieties too but this was exacerbated by external forces. I suppose I’m trying to say thank you. I’m going to binge watch the rest of your videos now. 😅
Glad the videos are useful, and thank you 👍🏻
Thank you Paul, i really need to hear this.
I might send this video to the ONLY friend i worked up the nerve to say thought i was autistic to.... and they said i wasn't and laughed. I laughed too and agreed with them to brush it off. I havent told anyone since (pre or post diagnosis) outside of the autistic community. This was two years ago. His reaction has stopped me from telling the others. Its not worth the hurt, gossip and disbelief.
You do have something to offer and your experience is valuable. Thank you for making this video and i hope you're on the mend from your health problems - keep smiling!
At about the 14 1/2 minute mark, you talk about something must happen (hit rock bottom, need help, etc) for an adult to seek diagnosis. I do not disagree with the statement, but the reason I suspected that I was autistic was the research I was conducting to help my daughter. When I started to think she might be autistic, I saw many of the same things in myself. I have heard other people share similar stories. My daughter is 17, so pretty soon she will be called a "late diagnosis" as well. My rationale in getting a diagnosis at age 55 was that if I have it, it is very likely that my daughter (and others in our family) have it too based on their traits and sensitivities.
I wasn't referring to everyone, I was careful not to. Merely giving some examples as to why it could be so important for people to lend them their ear if they need to talk 👍🏻
Masking is born from trauma - that hit hard.
I know I'm not the only one, but I felt like you were talking about me.
Speaking to those who can relate, as always 👍🏻
This video was so genuine and sincere, thank you. Powerful words.
Thank you
Well spoken, the amount of gaslighting that goes on annoys me, no end. As for dealing with health concerns, I am with you there, I just got my referral to nurolgergy over some problems I am having. It sort of freaking me out at the moment. The biggest problem is that knowing what is happening, I find. I like concrete answers and planning it all out, and having this sort of thing is very scary because I don't know why I have spasums and dealing with doctors is not my idea of fun.
Exactly the same, it's the waiting and the unknown that ruins me 👍🏻
@AdultwithAutism the mind just runs away with itself. I think it's because with me anyway, I think in cause and effect. And it just goes round in my mind what it could be.
Great to see you back, Paul. You're right about how important it is for someone to just listen, even if only for a few minutes over a coffee. It's so rare and refreshing to speak openly about being autistic. Most people either aren't interested, or are quick to make an ignorant judgement. Anyway, thank you for the video, and stay well.
Thanks Neil 👍🏻
I agree Paul - the response matters so much doesn't it!! I find it so hard how lots of people dont believe that we're autistic when we're high functioning. I feel it's adding a new layer of autistic trauma for us. Sorry for being so negative!!
I'm autistic and I don't mask. I just try to be who God created me to be. And I wish that people wouldn't try to tell me how to be me, especially in specific areas. That, to me, is God's job not yours, that is what I tell people that try to tell me how to be me.
Some git online had a go at me once, because I wrote I don't mask, I've never done that, that person got angry and started swearing and said yes you do. I do wonder if I mentioned If I wasn't white would that of changed anything, because part of the reason, I stick out is many different things.
I've had people admit to not liking me because of my skin colour and some admitting not liking disabled people.
The word Masking should be called Sheeping, because it's just copying and it stands out more, the wording. I've only heard the word masking been used on UA-cam only, never outside. I've heard calling people sheep been used outside.
It's the other way around for me, I have only ever heard it called Masking. Masking makes sense, whereas 'Sheeping' doesn't. Sheep, follow...and that isn't what masking is. Masking is about blending. You don't follow others under their thought process, you blend to reduce impact of concerns such as bullying. But like yourself, that's just my perspective 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism "Masking" is tricky because it can sound like it's deliberate and trying to fool people. I've come up with "adapting" as in adapting to the non-autistic culture, something you learn from very early on. When I'm trying to explain it, I may use that word or say that masking is not deliberate but it is automatic adapting. You don't figure out you are masking until you fiid you are autistic.
Bloody brilliant! All of it (well apart from the health stuff). When a parent or grandparent denies it, remind them that you had to inherit it from someone haha!
Haha, good point! 👍🏻
It was nice to see your smile. All the best to you
Thank you 👍🏻
I found out at 49 because my son was struggling and we got testing and help Then they looked to me and said have you ever considered yourself autistic? And would you be willing to do testing? Um ok BOOM Autistic AF I knew I struggled my whole life but, never understood why Now I do and glad to know it Because now I understand myself and my son so much better
I'm glad things have started to make more sense for you 👍🏻
I am fairly easygoing about people who say that I am not autistic. Sure, it can be damaging but it's also an opportunity to explain things to them. I think we have to be careful about having rules about what people say to us, as that can lead to even more of a divide. As a group we are isolated enough. I am not sure of the lists of taboo things to say that other people in different groups have. I hope that they won't be too harsh on me if I say something they are sick of hearing. Of course there comes a point where someone may not take you seriously whatever you say. In that case, there is an issue. However, I try not to think the worst of people from the outset. A kind response is my first line of defense.
A kind response is the first line of defense...I like that.
Just stumbled across you. I do not have health anxiety. I have full-blown health panic. I empathise and wish that all ends well after your two weeks have passed. I'm on the same time clock and the ticking feeds the panic. Add total mistrust of the medical industry and try to avoid stirring. Before learning WHY I am, I felt broken, less than. Now I know I simply AM, and as long as I am not in a doctor's office, or a lab, or a scanner, as long as I am free of all that, I celebrate. You should too. 29:54
Full blown health panic is a good way to describe it 👍🏻
Hi Paul, thanks for making this video I know it’s going to help a lot of people.
Thank you 👍🏻
I’m grateful to see this video Paul! I really only can relate to a few autistic folks on UA-cam and you are one. The constant
Masking and strange anxiety are playing mind games with me lately. No fun
I am glad you can relate 👍🏻
Another amazing video! You articulated this issue so well. I wish you the best in your health. I'm in a similar space with my physical health and it's really difficult. Solidarity!
Thank you 👍🏻
Great to see you, this is a fantastic topic and explanation. Hope your anxiety eases up for you.
Thanks Mike 👍🏻
Hi Paul, I am so sorry that you have had those health struggles. Yes, anxiety is something that I have every day.
I'm glad you are doing this video!!! 🍀🌞🌳
Thank you 👍🏻
I’m newly diagnosed autistic and just found your videos last night. I’ve been watching through a bunch of them and found so many of your unique experiences are so relatable for me. So glad I found your videos. Thank you so much.
This is probably stupid but i have been watching a lot of videos from different people that have autism and they all have green eyes like myself. coincidence? (i was also diagnosed late at 47)
Not stupid at all. But, strangely...my eyes are orange and grey when you see them closely. They just appear green from a distance 👍🏻
Glad you're back. So sorry for the health issues.
Thank you 👍🏻
Thank you so much.
Thank you, greatly appreciated 👍🏻
Ugh I hope you get to feeling better!
Thank you 👍🏻
Hi Paul,
Another really good video, thank you. I'm busy trying to put the finishing touches to my dossier I'm sending off to the Autism diagnosis centre. And yes, I concur, there's a reason I'm asking for an evaluation. I'm not going into it not knowing anything about Autism though. Things started falling apart some time ago and I'm the sort of person who wants to do everything by myself if at all possible, so I've been reading book after book after book, watching hours of videos (probably many weeks worth if they were all played one after the other in a binge session) and I'm pretty much convinced Autism is my issue. But, as you've said in other videos, self-recognition as Autistic only goes so far. I might be wrong.
To me it fits like a glove, it feels right, it explains SOOO many things from my life, I'm comfortable with that as an explanation and ready to review/repair/replace all sorts of things in my life following that hypothesis. And if I'm wrong, that would be just another stool kicked out from under me. It's an answer which fits and gives me a sound starting place for rebuilding things. But yes, maybe I'm wrong. And waiting for answers and suchlike is very difficult. The waiting list is up to 18 months long here for getting an Autism evaluation. That's going to be very hard. "Just forget about it and get on with something else for 18 months" Yeah, right!
I will get round to sending you the e-mail I was planning to write soon. I know what you mean about needing your head to be in the right place before being able to do things. I hope you're feeling better. Silly me hadn't really realised that you hadn't made any videos recently - i've been watching your videos loads over the last few weeks and hadn't really looked at when they were made. Did I tell you your Christmas series ones were a big hit with the kids? Thank you for what you're doing. That's another reason to want a formal diagnosis - to feel legitimate to speak out as and Autistic person (or a person with Autism 😉) and maybe make myself a youtube channel where I can talk about my own experiences. Can't really see myself doing that without a formal diagnosis - speaking out as someone who thinks they're probably Autistic doesn't really have the same clout (in my opinion at least).
If you are diagnosed, definitely start a channel and share your perspective. More real channels are needed 👍🏻
Thank you for your "random" videos, introverted autistic perspective, and refusal to offer strategies on how to be outgoing. Wishing you health relief!
Thank you
Ach, the nightmare of family events.., I told my partner "from now on, only once every ten years." At 63, I happen to be in the reverse situation as you when telling people "I'm probably autistic" (currently in the tube, after an autistic burn-out), everybody replies kind of : "but, it's so obvious, of course you are". Makes me think I'm the last one to figure out ! Just to say this situation may also occur.
Spot on Paul about reaching that crisis point. My body said no more repeated trauma after a lifetime hanging on and had a shocking shut down and i broke recently. I have no choice but to go down that path and seek that help now. So lots of figuring out to do.
Your videos are great.
Wishing you well. 👍
Thank you
I salute you and the commenters. I'm a 52 year old sober alcoholic and newly discovered mono tropic. Just the beginning of a new very scary journey. My life has taken an unreal turn. I could leave a book in the comments. Any way. I wish you all the best.
Thank you
So glad you did this video and all of your points were very correct as well. Those early reactions to a late diagnosis are powerful.
Mate. I’m almost 49. Diagnosed last week after 9 years searching and 2 of those full bore NHS poking and prodding.
I’m burst.
I’m glad I caught this. I’ve listened to you before. This is like rewinding my existence listening to your experiences.
My mind is blown by the realisation I’m special but that’s nothing special. Is it just a bad movie on repeat for us all who slipped the net? 😮💨
Love to chat. I’m not too tech savvy. Keep up the chat. I recognise the knife edge energy balancing act you wrestle with. I have the tremor too. Feels like next doors washing machine is on spin 🤯
Anyway. Thanks.
💙🏴🙌🏼
Your description of 'hitting the wall' resonates strongly ... I only started looking into what might be 'wrong' with me after completely burning out under circumstances that most folks around me seemed to think should have been no problem (apart from months of back-to-back 80+ hour work weeks, which most agreed would create considerable stress). I still haven't gotten an official diagnosis because (a) I cannot afford it and (b) it would only make negative differences in my life now. Most people I have discussed this with already (trying to explain that I think I am autistic and have done years of research to confirm this) don't believe me or are just 'humoring' me - even those I thought I was close to - and I can tell that if I got a diagnosis I would get the "You paid to become autistic then?" response from here on. My parents and my wife (who we now believe is also autistic - it makes a lot of sense of our lives) thankfully believe me and recognize it now. It was another family member who originally suggested it to me many years ago, before any burnout, half-jokingly, and she was the least surprised of anyone when I started talking seriously about it.
But the thing is, diagnosis or not, it helped me initially to realize that I am likely autistic (and it made sense of most of my life circumstances / strengths and weaknesses to this point), but it does little or nothing to help outside of that internal confirmation, and has served to strain my work life and basically every relationship outside my nuclear family. I don't want to become reclusive to the point that it damages me or my family long-term but the alternatives are getting harder to manage as I get older (I am in my 40s).
Just make sure you are kind to yourself too along the way. The balance needs to be assessed from your perspective about how long it takes to recharge 👍🏻
Glad you're back to posting on UA-cam. Been thinking of you! Sorry for your troubles and best wishes that you're healed up soon.
Thank you
Paul, you’re my hero. Thanks for making such authentic videos.
Haha, many thanks my good man 👍🏻
Love how you articulated freetime vs recharge time. Thanks. Best of luck with the health issues too.
Thank you 👍🏻
Thank you Paul
I'm not crying, you're crying! (It's me.)
Ah, well...apologies! 👍🏻
This really resonates with me. I have to keep changing jobs , ive only just been promoted, 6 months in i want to change again, its the people. I hate having to act dumb to fit in.I really just want to sit at home and re charge .
I’m 59. I just had my two autism assessments last week, so waiting for the verdict. My best friend and also my big brother (the person I’ve always been closest to in my family) both refuse to believe that I might be autistic. They are the two people I needed support from the most, but both categorically denied the possibility. My friend seemed to take it personally and used the word “fake” when asking if I masked when in her company. Our relationship has taken a nose dive since then, as we just don’t know how to talk to each other anymore. If I do get an autism diagnosis, I don’t think they will respond any differently. I’d like to think they’ll be accepting, but they’re both so sure I’m wrong. I’m dreading coming out as autistic because of the negative reactions I’m likely to face.
Just remember this...'good people understand'. Titles of people don't matter, the quality of their character does. It's a tough reality, but you shouldn't have to be fake so their world doesn't get disrupted. Be true, see what they do. If it's negative, then the answer of what to do was given to you 👍🏻
Thanks Paul. You’re right.
Thank you! Your video resonated so strongly with me. You articulated my experience so clearly. I still struggle with disclosure and the fear of rejection or being misunderstood. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
Thank you 👍🏻
Paul, I have been thinking about you a lot, and I am so glad to see and hear you again, and all the things you say are so affirming and helpful. Thank you so very much for showing up... "Mask", yeah that says it ALL...
Thank you again, All the best, 😊
Thank you 👍🏻
So happy I found this video and your channel. It’s helped more than I could clearly express, especially amongst the sea of autism related videos that don’t seem helpful, at least to me.
Really glad you found them too 👍🏻
Diagnosis at 47 because my wife said I had autism. Yup! Thanks.
Thank you, Paul! ❤
I hope your health issues resolve. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you
I was listening to the audiobook “The 3 body problem” It’s not about Autism at all but in the book a doctor mentions a patient that had had unusual behavior and the doctor in the book mentions the patient having injuries in early youth that they suspected caused them to be Autistic. Is that a thing? My entire life I’ve been the perfect example of all these behaviors autistic People are talking about on here (actually not all I don’t seem to have much OCD type stuff). But the issue is for me is that I did have a head injury. I must’ve been around four. I have a scar on my head that was never adequately explained to me. I also know that at some point very young I developed a 106 fever from strep they had to put me in a tub full of ice and that’s never been explained to me. And after that on a regular basis, I was given a series of shots over a year and I think they were penicillin. I didn’t pursue all that to find out more. I have all the typical family issues they seem like a lot of people have also. I 100% have working memory problems. If I’m not careful, I can do a series of things that I won’t remember an hour later like I was in a trance or something. I’d appreciate any suggestions where I can begin to look into this. I’m in Austin Texas. I need to do more research but I want to know a definitive diagnosis if it’s just behaviors, then I’d rather pretend I didn’t have it and try to adjust my behaviors. But if I have something that is a physical issue and they can test it then I’d like to know.
Autism is not a cause of physical injury. It is a neurological difference that you are born with and develops in utero during development👍🏻
Cheers for these videos Paul.
No problem 👍🏻
Great video as always!
Thank you 👍🏻