Yes 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 I’m I’m going out out there there to see see see see ya ✌🏽 I I hope hope you you have some great 😌 today today love love 💗💗 lol lol 😝 good 😌 love love love 💗 love 💗💗 lol 😝 good 😌 yeah yeah 😎 I I love 💗💗 and and and and and yes yes 👏🏼 I hope 🤞 can make a a a a relationship relationship again again and
I don’t blame women. It’s not just the last guy, it’s all the guys, including the last guy, she sees a pattern with a mistreatment from. I don’t see how that couldn’t make you hyper vigilant and suspicious of the next person you choose to get involved with. It still might be something you need to work on, and being able to trust a person, but I get it. That being said, Kev is not wrong about assessing individuals as individuals- just be on the look out of similar behaviors that you choose to ignore that you know you SHOULDN’T have ignored with previous guys. Those are the boundaries that you need to develop for yourself, not just in order to police behavior of men or to avoid getting hurt again. Not all men are the same and you can learn to love yourself.
Today, after 2 years, I ended my situationship with this guy. I knew in order to find my person I needed to close this chapter and was toxic too. I never recommend any woman to do this. Most of us will always develop feelings. It's time to meet good quality men
I did the same today. I was surprised that I started crying and then i was like, “wait… this is a great thing!” I’ve had a pep in my step ever since. 😂
@StretchMarkstheSpot That’s the right way of looking at it. Keep on keeping on!!! Never forget that YOU matter and YOU choose YOURSELF. Blessings of God continue to be upon you. I am proud of you
The problem wasn't him, it was you. You made excuses for his bad behavior, you accepted his obvious lies and you gave him chance after chance after chance. You sold yourself short. You didn't believe you deserved better and you stayed too long. You learned the hard way, but you learned. ❣👑
I've just been on the receiving end of a guy whose wife cheated on him. He could not move on. He made comments and asked questions whereby he "jokingly" implied I like lots of men and am likely to cheat. He held me at arms length so not to get hurt. Didn't try to get to know me. Suffice to say, I don't see him anymore. I think HE needs to watch this video.
Right, never again….commit to my new standards, new boundaries, commit to the new person that I want to be. No matter how tempted I am to make the same old mistakes! 🤯
Kev, I am in alignment with this message. I left marriage of 27 years of staying for the sake of the children. I take full responsibility of the mistreatment of how I viewed myself and my upbringing of being a submissive Christian woman raised. I had to change my belief system and took FULL RESPONSIBILITY OF MY OWN ROLE AND ACTIONS. I’ve been away from the abuse for 21 months with my daughter. I’ve grown so much since I’ve choose myself and walked away. He is begging me back. I am no longer that person. I don’t look the same. I don’t talk the same. I don’t act the same. I don’t eat the same. I am unrecognizable to myself and others. I’ve found someone that I would never lose again which is myself. I love myself. I am in love with this version of me and I am still open to grow. This video needs to go viral. I totally agree with you. Time to shit and get off the pot people.
Congratulations. I recently in process of divorce myself now. I got out early...4 yrs married in. In relationship with him 10 yrs prior.. Too much toxicity that couldn't be fixed during the marriage. Im free of the bs and grew myself. The things we accept when we was in or 20s. Thank God I had no kids with him..
@@barbarap.2527 Congratulations to you Queen. I salute you. We are woman and we must continue to roar no matter what. I have 3 children with him. I am so glad to hear that you seen early enough to get out!!!! I wish you the best with your future endeavors. May God continue to richly bless and keep you in His loving arms. Never forget that YOU matter. And your new isn’t your ex.
Yes, thats very frustrating. Gotta treat the new guy new. If you're still that hurt or damaged...you need to stay single until you are ok with those stuff ma. IJS
When you think about ending something, it's hard to see anything what comes after. But when you get the courage to letting go, things could only get better if he is the wrong guy. Great video!
Taking responsibility! That's rich. I stayed in a very toxic, pseudo relationship for 5 years! I kept saying that it would change but yeah..it got worse. He started stressing me. In Los Angeles, it's called "stressing the bitch". They ghost you and gaslight you to a point of doing things to keep them around more. They drop off suddenly. They accuse you for running them off, by something that you said wrong .. It's complete bullshit! Love.. allows for you to be who you are completely and wholely. If a man can't deal with your true self, true words, true disappointment.. he's not a real man and certainly NOT my man. Real men come to restore
I think that's what he means by taking responsibility. You stated YOU stayed because you THOUGHT it would change. It got worse, and you stayed. His behavior is on him. You staying is on you. Hope you've found peace🧡
Dang I really needed to hear this left my 3 yr toxic relationship 1 month ago and he is already with someone new saying they are IN LOVE ! & HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER !!! after a few weeks? This really broke my heart even more when 1 month ago he was still saying how in love he was & didn't want us breaking up & he couldn't loose me, he couldn't imagine not speaking to me daily like we have the last 3 years. Lmao took him a couple days I guess to get over our 3 yrs together 💔 I miss him & keep wanting to reach out but I know I deserve so much better . Still hurts though 😕😭😭💔
He is not in love with someone else. It’s a rebound. He is pretending that he is in love to get reaction out of you. He will come running to you after sometime. You just focus on you and don’t let him affect you.
He definitely isn't in love especially not that early on! It probably won't last either. Block him ( if not already) completely go NO contact and focus on YOU. You will find better ❤️
Don't take him back please. This is toxic. Go no contact.. Please pursue healing and regaining your singleness. Best to you Sis. Also consider he was dating her longer than you think.
Man this came at the right time I’m just getting out of a horrible toxic narcissistic relationship I’m so hurt right now and I’m dealing with so much bs 😔 the healing process is brutal
It is very hard. Remind yourself they were a illusion. Don't blame yourself. Know there was nothing you could do to change them. Their true nature was hidden. Best you can do is go no contact with them. Wish you strength n healing.
Just wanna add people do have a really difficult time getting out of abusive relationships bc of how shitty trauma bonding is and the gaslighting, aside from other reasons involving finances for providing for kids for example
This is right on time! I’m actively trying to avoid making the mistakes mentioned in this video. I would really like to know how to attract and recognize good men. I don’t want to keep choosing wrong.
I’m a really big fan of Kev and love this channel, but I think this video was a little harsh when it’s applied so broadly. I worked in a domestic abuse victim crisis center, and it’s a major pet peeve of mine when people put the blame on the victim for not leaving. These women have endured years and years of mental conditioning. That’s not something people can just snap out of, nor should we put that expectation on them. Those dudes didn’t just walk up to them and start smacking them around. It was more frustrating for us then probably anyone else when they kept going back, but fortunately we had to training to actually understand the complexities of domestic violence situations. Sometimes many of the victims wanted to leave but ended up back when they didn’t have anywhere to go and no way to even get the help they need. What exactly are you supposed to do when he’s got your social security card and birth certificate locked up? And those documents for your kids? How are you supposed to apply for food or housing assistance? Get a job? What if you have no banking or credit history because he never let you have one? What if your legal status or immigration status depends on him? Especially if your children were born here and are definitely staying here if you get deported or thrown into an immigrant detainment center for years without even so much as a trial? And sometimes there is a mix of “blame” but nobody chooses to be beaten, raped, mentally destroyed, burned, have their children stolen from them, watch their children live in pain, etc. Compassion is what is lacking from these women’s (and children’s and sometimes men’s, or non-binary or gender fluid-literally any human being) lives. Compassion is how we can help. Not by telling them the trauma is their fault. And there was a remark about bringing old pain to a new situation where he went on to say they participated in their own victimization. A particular woman I met came to mind. She had been raped by a stranger when she was walking to her car after work. [Most sexual assaults and rapes are committed by people the victims know, but this was one of those exceptions] This was years later, and I didn’t know her from the shelter. I remember her telling me very clearly and in no uncertain terms that she tried for a few years to date, but she was done with that completely and never going to try again. She said that everyone she met turned away (like Kev is saying) because they don’t know how to deal with CPSTD, weren’t patient with her, or simply scared off if she ever admitted that she had that baggage. She had received many years of therapy, but she explained that it will always be with her and sooner or later it comes out or that behavior of distrust pops up when she gets triggered. I don’t accept the idea that she has to be alone for the rest of her life just because those wounds go so deep. I do really hope she finds someone (maybe someone with psych training). I get where he’s going. I’m going to guess that the vast percentage of the audience hasn’t been in the types of situations I’m talking about here. I just want to say to anyone reading this that has gone through something horrific: you’re not alone, you can heal, and it’s not your fault. I’m sorry for the really long comment, but I felt that I needed to say this. Y’all can disagree however much you want, and I’m not trying to disrespect Kev or his work, but I think the critique is fair given the board terms and not acknowledging exceptions.
I moved to California from Texas with the clothes on me and my 10 month old baby backs.. I had 15 dollars to my name, 2 cans of milk and 6 diapers.. I have no family out here.. That man beat me, r@ped me, cracked me in my head with beer bottles, the scars on my back didn’t disappear until 10 years later.. it was so bad it got to a point I contemplated taking my life.. but I was taking my baby with me.. When I moved to California I still gravitated toward abusive men.. because of what I went thru my tolerance for abuse was greater.. he may call me out my name and slap me.. but he didn’t beat me with an extension cord to the point I’m swollen & bleeding or hit me so hard he almost broke my jaw so (in my mind) it was okay.. Then for a while I became aggressive.. a man raise his voice I’m ready to fight.. I wanted to establish my dominance and became to a certain degree what I ran away from.. So I had to take responsibility FOR MY ACCEPTANCE of abuse and me gravitating toward abusive men.. I had to work on me and understand how I move so that I move differently.. and when I move differently abusive men are not even attracted to me like in the past.. That’s all he’s saying.. Sometimes when you don’t know what love feels like.. control, jealousy and abuse appears and seem like love.. because it comes from a person in the same breath telling you ‘they love you’.. In California there are lots of agencies that assist and help abuse victims get help.. they will get your birth cents, social security cards for you and etc.. you can apply for food stamps with no ID.. they will help you with housing and all of that.. But a person have to be ready to make that change and sometimes DV victims are not ready.. some leave like me and some leave with the coroner.. An abuser should never get the chance to abuse you TWICE!!
Yeah it was harsh, but, what he said is true. He's not trying to be a jerk. It's hard to see how much of the problems we have in life are because we allow them, for whatever reason. And we can keep doing the same wrong things over and over, until we see how to do it differently. Dangerous relationships are not easy to leave, and may bring a higher level of risk when leaving. That's why people like you who provide support networks are important.
@@De_Sava Thank you.. I’m so glad my daughter (I have 3 kids) she’s so unlike me when I was her age.. she’s so strong and assertive.. she’s definitely the woman I wish I was at her age.. I broke the cycle of abuse with her.. Im thankful she’s never experienced anything close to what I had at her age.. she’s my little hero.. I’ve had a hard life abs made a lot of mistakes.. but I got it right with her🥺💖
Hey Kev love how you are such a straight shooter. You don’t beat around the bush. And you don’t tip toe around our feelings. Thanks for keeping it real real real.
"Just like you decide what you eat and you feed yourself - garbage or healthy food. Just like you decide what you take in and you feed yourself - negativity and toxic programming and nasty isht on social media... negative energy. Or positivity and laughter and peace and love and contentment and spirituality. Whatever you put inside of yourself, you are the decider of what you consume. Physically, spiritually, energetically, mentally, emotionally. You decide what you accept, what you take in, what you collect, and what you offer yourself in life." 🎯💯
Good Stuff! A 5th rule would be to Forgive Yourself! I have found that we women often get stuck in toxic patterns by carrying the guilt of feeling stupid. It is this guilt that leads to trying to "fix" ourselves (projected onto our new partner) and resolve that old problem or handle it better. But if you don't release yourself from your mistakes you stay stuck in them rather than grow from them. Accept that you didn't know better so you can begin to understand and learn your "why". Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and release yourself from the false ideas, notions or fantasies that informed those poor choices. The past is fixed you cannot change it. You can only learn from it. In the spirit of sankofa it is our job to ONLY get from the past that which is needed to move us forward into the future.
It sounds like you haven’t had a good year since 06 😩😂 honestly Accountability is key 🔑 we gotta accept that certain things couldn’t have happened without our own insecurities and false hopes for a dead end relationship.
Kev! Stop reading my mind. At the same time you were posting this my ex was blowing my phone up. Actually realizing that I’m not accepting that or him anymore. Feels so freeing and even better to have that support in doing so. Thank you 🙏🏽
I've been following your channel for years. Great advice as always I was a victim of abuse and i feel like i will take responsibility not to be abused again... But putting the blame on abuse victims made me feel very uneasy. These guys aren't abusive from day 1. They put on a mask. You fall in love with them. When all the bullshit starts its too late. There's also something called trauma bonds. When someone trauma through abuse.. In the victim's mind cause the emotions are so intense and the abuser is the only one around during the trauma. That victim becomes feels very emotionally attached to the abuser Abusive relationships aren't as black and white as you think. When things are bad things are horrible but things can also be equally amazing. It's a shitty cycle. It was first time deaking with an abuser so i had no idea. So I honestly believed he was gona change he kept manipulating me with sob stories. And abusers are most dangerous when you try to leave them some threateb to kill you and many have killed women in tbe procedd, so you have to be careful. but also if you have the time please read the book " why does he do that" will give you an explanation on abusive relationships.
So hilarious. Sometimes we can be blocked to the practical steps of changing intangibles. Trauma can energetically cause someone to lose that sense of discernment as well. You’re way of saying it is kind… and direct… and we all don’t digest it the same. I am fortunate to have found ways to cultivate myself and refine. I guess if you just pick the positive… like… to cultivate and refine… the impatience and bad attitude of hurt ego will have to follow along to improvement. Thanks Kev. Take care.
Thanks so much Kev! The way I cried during this video was unbelievable, But that’s because the truth was present! I Really thank you for your channel! This helps the fartherless women w. Great potential to think and move differently. I support this channel 1,000 percent.
i really needed this great advice.. thank you so much. i learned from d experiences.. but honestly i'm so fine & happy being single now.. sick & tired of intense narcissistic toxicity. i also realized to love myself more.. more.
I still don't know how these women do that. I HATE wasting my time period, so I really don't get how they waste their time with an ain't shit man...hoping he will change. You ask them why they still with them....they Always give the same stupid answer. Oh because I love him. Ummm...What?? Thats No Reason to stay with someone. TF?? Anyway...let me stop. Cause I don't wanna seem like I'm shitting on women now, but Damn!
Sometimes it's because of a trauma bond from dealing with a person with npd. Unfortunately, that is something you don't understand if you have never dealt with it first hand. It happens with men as well.
@Jay usually it’s from trauma and past childhood experiences that bind them together. Blinded. New guys deserve a chance. If your still single don’t give up ight. Keep da faith
@@Yolie707 true but I see women in their 40s 50s and even 60s doing the same sh*t from when they were in their teens/ 20s you would think they would have learned by now
A little harsh in your words yet real. Just keep in mind some women don't know how to break old habits & believe in themselves. Very, very wise & real advice from you & an excellent reminder to follow through, for us women practicing our boundaries otherwise it defeats the purpose of learning from our mistakes. Thank you.
Totally agree people make their own life, but some women are trauma bonded though and feel like they can’t leave. Hopefully, your message will help women get on the right track to healing.
Thank you for these tips!! I definitely am holding myself accountable I learned a lot from this past recent experience and am committed to myself now to work me to become a better woman. 👑
I start to cry for people and women I don’t know….It’s a lot of us who are broken and wounded from relationships…It’s to many of Us…this Has To STOP ✋🏾
Any time you spent learning isn't wasted time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Kev you have NOOOOOOOOOO idea how deep that it!!!! That's the most powerful thing to me personally because of my history. Thank you brother Kev!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I had to stay - I could not afford to support myself - it took me - 13 years to secure a job where I could leave. I was a vaper trail out of that house of betrayal & disrespect
There's a long and nuanced comment from Sally about women's experience with violence. I don't have time to write a proper response, but I just wanted to say that your points still stand.
I don’t have time either. People forget the importance of context, and subject matter sometimes. No disrespect to her. I just don’t think dealing exclusively in experience extremes helps women who have a real chance of changing their lives right now. Of course all advice doesn’t apply to all people. That also doesn’t invalidate it.
Thank you for your insights Bro. 🙏🏽💚 It is really helpful for Me to hear clear strategies and real talk, especially coming from a man. I appreciate you and the content you share! 🌟
Great video kev ! I love your style! I like Eminem too. You get one shot. lol you’ve helped me in soo many areas of my life. I appreciate you. Monique Lauzon
You always come along when I need it most… I guess this is my sign from God go move on. & honestly I ALWAYS say I’ve wasted time.. now i see where I was wrong.
I’m really struggling here been 14 months I been seeing the same guy but it’s not good communication it’s I feel more like booty call 📞 the moment he’s with me is great but once we end and got our seperate ways I never know when I’ll hear from him again or when we will see each other use to be every other day etc the. Something happen he ghosted me for 5 months n came back around Xmas
Love all your videos and watch regularly, but the audio is always so inconsistent and often very poor. Hoping there's some way this can be improved with future videos. 🙏🏻💗
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Yes 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 I’m I’m going out out there there to see see see see ya ✌🏽 I I hope hope you you have some great 😌 today today love love 💗💗 lol lol 😝 good 😌 love love love 💗 love 💗💗 lol 😝 good 😌 yeah yeah 😎 I I love 💗💗 and and and and and yes yes 👏🏼 I hope 🤞 can make a a a a relationship relationship again again and
I don’t blame women. It’s not just the last guy, it’s all the guys, including the last guy, she sees a pattern with a mistreatment from. I don’t see how that couldn’t make you hyper vigilant and suspicious of the next person you choose to get involved with. It still might be something you need to work on, and being able to trust a person, but I get it. That being said, Kev is not wrong about assessing individuals as individuals- just be on the look out of similar behaviors that you choose to ignore that you know you SHOULDN’T have ignored with previous guys. Those are the boundaries that you need to develop for yourself, not just in order to police behavior of men or to avoid getting hurt again. Not all men are the same and you can learn to love yourself.
Thank you 🙏🏾
Thank you because that’s facts . Cause my last two experienced did it for me !!!
NICE
Yep, taking time to heal helps. I think dating is just extremely hard these days. I lot of people are out there to take.
Yes thank you 🙏🏽
Today, after 2 years, I ended my situationship with this guy. I knew in order to find my person I needed to close this chapter and was toxic too. I never recommend any woman to do this. Most of us will always develop feelings. It's time to meet good quality men
I did the same today. I was surprised that I started crying and then i was like, “wait… this is a great thing!” I’ve had a pep in my step ever since. 😂
So proud of you both. Stay Strong We Are Woman Let’s Roar!!!! Helen Reddy
@StretchMarkstheSpot That’s the right way of looking at it. Keep on keeping on!!! Never forget that YOU matter and YOU choose YOURSELF. Blessings of God continue to be upon you. I am proud of you
Same I ended a situationship after 2 1/2 years and another one that lasted for 5 months haven’t looked backed on both of them since 2017/2018
Im also in a situationship that l am struggling to get out
The problem wasn't him, it was you. You made excuses for his bad behavior, you accepted his obvious lies and you gave him chance after chance after chance. You sold yourself short. You didn't believe you deserved better and you stayed too long. You learned the hard way, but you learned. ❣👑
The problem is both.
I've just been on the receiving end of a guy whose wife cheated on him. He could not move on. He made comments and asked questions whereby he "jokingly" implied I like lots of men and am likely to cheat. He held me at arms length so not to get hurt. Didn't try to get to know me. Suffice to say, I don't see him anymore. I think HE needs to watch this video.
Wow I’m sorry
Right, never again….commit to my new standards, new boundaries, commit to the new person that I want to be. No matter how tempted I am to make the same old mistakes! 🤯
Truth!!!
Kev, I am in alignment with this message. I left marriage of 27 years of staying for the sake of the children. I take full responsibility of the mistreatment of how I viewed myself and my upbringing of being a submissive Christian woman raised. I had to change my belief system and took FULL RESPONSIBILITY OF MY OWN ROLE AND ACTIONS. I’ve been away from the abuse for 21 months with my daughter. I’ve grown so much since I’ve choose myself and walked away. He is begging me back. I am no longer that person. I don’t look the same. I don’t talk the same. I don’t act the same. I don’t eat the same. I am unrecognizable to myself and others. I’ve found someone that I would never lose again which is myself. I love myself. I am in love with this version of me and I am still open to grow. This video needs to go viral. I totally agree with you. Time to shit and get off the pot people.
Congratulations Yolie 2.0. May God continue to bless and prosper you in your journey of growth and peace.
@@rouchelleperry681 awww thanks so much! It truly means a lot hearing. May God continue to richly bless you and keep you safe in HIS loving arms.
@@Yolie707 thank you 💞
Congratulations. I recently in process of divorce myself now. I got out early...4 yrs married in. In relationship with him 10 yrs prior.. Too much toxicity that couldn't be fixed during the marriage. Im free of the bs and grew myself. The things we accept when we was in or 20s. Thank God I had no kids with him..
@@barbarap.2527 Congratulations to you Queen. I salute you. We are woman and we must continue to roar no matter what. I have 3 children with him. I am so glad to hear that you seen early enough to get out!!!! I wish you the best with your future endeavors. May God continue to richly bless and keep you in His loving arms. Never forget that YOU matter. And your new isn’t your ex.
Yes, thats very frustrating. Gotta treat the new guy new. If you're still that hurt or damaged...you need to stay single until you are ok with those stuff ma. IJS
Word Up
When you think about ending something, it's hard to see anything what comes after. But when you get the courage to letting go, things could only get better if he is the wrong guy. Great video!
I LOVE THIS!!
Spent too many years in situationships, lacking relationship goals. Now as soon as I see red flags, I go no contact while continuing my healing.
Yess no more situationships 🚩🚩🚩
Taking responsibility! That's rich. I stayed in a very toxic, pseudo relationship for 5 years! I kept saying that it would change but yeah..it got worse. He started stressing me.
In Los Angeles, it's called "stressing the bitch". They ghost you and gaslight you to a point of doing things to keep them around more. They drop off suddenly. They accuse you for running them off, by something that you said wrong ..
It's complete bullshit! Love.. allows for you to be who you are completely and wholely. If a man can't deal with your true self, true words, true disappointment.. he's not a real man and certainly NOT my man.
Real men come to restore
I think that's what he means by taking responsibility. You stated YOU stayed because you THOUGHT it would change.
It got worse, and you stayed.
His behavior is on him. You staying is on you. Hope you've found peace🧡
Dang I really needed to hear this left my 3 yr toxic relationship 1 month ago and he is already with someone new saying they are IN LOVE ! & HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER !!! after a few weeks? This really broke my heart even more when 1 month ago he was still saying how in love he was & didn't want us breaking up & he couldn't loose me, he couldn't imagine not speaking to me daily like we have the last 3 years. Lmao took him a couple days I guess to get over our 3 yrs together 💔
I miss him & keep wanting to reach out but I know I deserve so much better . Still hurts though 😕😭😭💔
He is not in love with someone else. It’s a rebound. He is pretending that he is in love to get reaction out of you. He will come running to you after sometime. You just focus on you and don’t let him affect you.
I agree with MEDITONICS. It’s a rebound and it’s not love. Whatever you do do not call him.
Reads like you're still fighting to get back with him. He's playing games to get you to do this. What are you missing out on by leaving him??
He definitely isn't in love especially not that early on! It probably won't last either. Block him ( if not already) completely go NO contact and focus on YOU. You will find better ❤️
Don't take him back please. This is toxic. Go no contact.. Please pursue healing and regaining your singleness. Best to you Sis.
Also consider he was dating her longer than you think.
Exactly. Gotta give the right energy to the right person. FR
Man this came at the right time I’m just getting out of a horrible toxic narcissistic relationship I’m so hurt right now and I’m dealing with so much bs 😔 the healing process is brutal
Louisa thank you yes he will yess🙏🏾
Same here. You are so right about the healing process.
D Konrad yess it’s so hard wishing you the best 🙏🏾🙏🏾
It is very hard. Remind yourself they were a illusion. Don't blame yourself. Know there was nothing you could do to change them. Their true nature was hidden. Best you can do is go no contact with them. Wish you strength n healing.
Just wanna add people do have a really difficult time getting out of abusive relationships bc of how shitty trauma bonding is and the gaslighting, aside from other reasons involving finances for providing for kids for example
This is right on time! I’m actively trying to avoid making the mistakes mentioned in this video. I would really like to know how to attract and recognize good men. I don’t want to keep choosing wrong.
Thank God. I walked away at 7 weeks. Best decision ever.
I like that a lot of your videos are accountability-focused. People don’t realize that accountability is uncomfortable but extremely empowering.
Absolutely
" unlearned years are wasted YEARS!"
I’m a really big fan of Kev and love this channel, but I think this video was a little harsh when it’s applied so broadly.
I worked in a domestic abuse victim crisis center, and it’s a major pet peeve of mine when people put the blame on the victim for not leaving. These women have endured years and years of mental conditioning. That’s not something people can just snap out of, nor should we put that expectation on them. Those dudes didn’t just walk up to them and start smacking them around.
It was more frustrating for us then probably anyone else when they kept going back, but fortunately we had to training to actually understand the complexities of domestic violence situations. Sometimes many of the victims wanted to leave but ended up back when they didn’t have anywhere to go and no way to even get the help they need. What exactly are you supposed to do when he’s got your social security card and birth certificate locked up? And those documents for your kids? How are you supposed to apply for food or housing assistance? Get a job? What if you have no banking or credit history because he never let you have one? What if your legal status or immigration status depends on him? Especially if your children were born here and are definitely staying here if you get deported or thrown into an immigrant detainment center for years without even so much as a trial?
And sometimes there is a mix of “blame” but nobody chooses to be beaten, raped, mentally destroyed, burned, have their children stolen from them, watch their children live in pain, etc. Compassion is what is lacking from these women’s (and children’s and sometimes men’s, or non-binary or gender fluid-literally any human being) lives. Compassion is how we can help. Not by telling them the trauma is their fault.
And there was a remark about bringing old pain to a new situation where he went on to say they participated in their own victimization. A particular woman I met came to mind. She had been raped by a stranger when she was walking to her car after work. [Most sexual assaults and rapes are committed by people the victims know, but this was one of those exceptions] This was years later, and I didn’t know her from the shelter. I remember her telling me very clearly and in no uncertain terms that she tried for a few years to date, but she was done with that completely and never going to try again. She said that everyone she met turned away (like Kev is saying) because they don’t know how to deal with CPSTD, weren’t patient with her, or simply scared off if she ever admitted that she had that baggage. She had received many years of therapy, but she explained that it will always be with her and sooner or later it comes out or that behavior of distrust pops up when she gets triggered. I don’t accept the idea that she has to be alone for the rest of her life just because those wounds go so deep. I do really hope she finds someone (maybe someone with psych training).
I get where he’s going. I’m going to guess that the vast percentage of the audience hasn’t been in the types of situations I’m talking about here. I just want to say to anyone reading this that has gone through something horrific: you’re not alone, you can heal, and it’s not your fault.
I’m sorry for the really long comment, but I felt that I needed to say this. Y’all can disagree however much you want, and I’m not trying to disrespect Kev or his work, but I think the critique is fair given the board terms and not acknowledging exceptions.
I moved to California from Texas with the clothes on me and my 10 month old baby backs.. I had 15 dollars to my name, 2 cans of milk and 6 diapers.. I have no family out here.. That man beat me, r@ped me, cracked me in my head with beer bottles, the scars on my back didn’t disappear until 10 years later.. it was so bad it got to a point I contemplated taking my life.. but I was taking my baby with me.. When I moved to California I still gravitated toward abusive men.. because of what I went thru my tolerance for abuse was greater.. he may call me out my name and slap me.. but he didn’t beat me with an extension cord to the point I’m swollen & bleeding or hit me so hard he almost broke my jaw so (in my mind) it was okay.. Then for a while I became aggressive.. a man raise his voice I’m ready to fight.. I wanted to establish my dominance and became to a certain degree what I ran away from..
So I had to take responsibility FOR MY ACCEPTANCE of abuse and me gravitating toward abusive men.. I had to work on me and understand how I move so that I move differently.. and when I move differently abusive men are not even attracted to me like in the past.. That’s all he’s saying.. Sometimes when you don’t know what love feels like.. control, jealousy and abuse appears and seem like love.. because it comes from a person in the same breath telling you ‘they love you’..
In California there are lots of agencies that assist and help abuse victims get help.. they will get your birth cents, social security cards for you and etc.. you can apply for food stamps with no ID.. they will help you with housing and all of that.. But a person have to be ready to make that change and sometimes DV victims are not ready.. some leave like me and some leave with the coroner.. An abuser should never get the chance to abuse you TWICE!!
Oh and that 10 month old baby is a 30 yr old man now😊
Yeah it was harsh, but, what he said is true. He's not trying to be a jerk. It's hard to see how much of the problems we have in life are because we allow them, for whatever reason. And we can keep doing the same wrong things over and over, until we see how to do it differently.
Dangerous relationships are not easy to leave, and may bring a higher level of risk when leaving. That's why people like you who provide support networks are important.
@@Pretti_Lucky such a powerful testimonial for you to share; it will encourage and enlighten someone.
@@De_Sava Thank you.. I’m so glad my daughter (I have 3 kids) she’s so unlike me when I was her age.. she’s so strong and assertive.. she’s definitely the woman I wish I was at her age.. I broke the cycle of abuse with her.. Im thankful she’s never experienced anything close to what I had at her age.. she’s my little hero.. I’ve had a hard life abs made a lot of mistakes.. but I got it right with her🥺💖
“ you were a willing and participating party to your trauma “👏🏾🤯
Hey Kev love how you are such a straight shooter. You don’t beat around the bush. And you don’t tip toe around our feelings. Thanks for keeping it real real real.
"Just like you decide what you eat and you feed yourself - garbage or healthy food. Just like you decide what you take in and you feed yourself - negativity and toxic programming and nasty isht on social media... negative energy. Or positivity and laughter and peace and love and contentment and spirituality. Whatever you put inside of yourself, you are the decider of what you consume. Physically, spiritually, energetically, mentally, emotionally. You decide what you accept, what you take in, what you collect, and what you offer yourself in life." 🎯💯
Good Stuff! A 5th rule would be to Forgive Yourself!
I have found that we women often get stuck in toxic patterns by carrying the guilt of feeling stupid. It is this guilt that leads to trying to "fix" ourselves (projected onto our new partner) and resolve that old problem or handle it better.
But if you don't release yourself from your mistakes you stay stuck in them rather than grow from them. Accept that you didn't know better so you can begin to understand and learn your "why". Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and release yourself from the false ideas, notions or fantasies that informed those poor choices.
The past is fixed you cannot change it. You can only learn from it. In the spirit of sankofa it is our job to ONLY get from the past that which is needed to move us forward into the future.
It sounds like you haven’t had a good year since 06 😩😂 honestly Accountability is key 🔑 we gotta accept that certain things couldn’t have happened without our own insecurities and false hopes for a dead end relationship.
I've never been in a relationship but thank you so much for this. So basically never blame a good man for an old man's past mistakes
If her new guy is similar to her ex, that could be a big red flag
Yess definitely seeing similarities early gotta let him go 🚩
Yes sometimes distrust from ex gets projected onto a new dude but likely the issue is really from her Dad. ✅
Kev! Stop reading my mind. At the same time you were posting this my ex was blowing my phone up. Actually realizing that I’m not accepting that or him anymore. Feels so freeing and even better to have that support in doing so. Thank you 🙏🏽
Needed to hear this, I'm really going through.
I've been following your channel for years. Great advice as always I was a victim of abuse and i feel like i will take responsibility not to be abused again... But putting the blame on abuse victims made me feel very uneasy. These guys aren't abusive from day 1. They put on a mask. You fall in love with them. When all the bullshit starts its too late. There's also something called trauma bonds. When someone trauma through abuse.. In the victim's mind cause the emotions are so intense and the abuser is the only one around during the trauma.
That victim becomes feels very emotionally attached to the abuser
Abusive relationships aren't as black and white as you think. When things are bad things are horrible but things can also be equally amazing. It's a shitty cycle. It was first time deaking with an abuser so i had no idea. So I honestly believed he was gona change he kept manipulating me with sob stories. And abusers are most dangerous when you try to leave them some threateb to kill you and many have killed women in tbe procedd, so you have to be careful.
but also if you have the time please read the book " why does he do that" will give you an explanation on abusive relationships.
So hilarious. Sometimes we can be blocked to the practical steps of changing intangibles. Trauma can energetically cause someone to lose that sense of discernment as well. You’re way of saying it is kind… and direct… and we all don’t digest it the same. I am fortunate to have found ways to cultivate myself and refine. I guess if you just pick the positive… like… to cultivate and refine… the impatience and bad attitude of hurt ego will have to follow along to improvement. Thanks Kev. Take care.
Kev you're holding up the mirror to me on this one. Appreciate you bro!❤
Thanks so much Kev! The way I cried during this video was unbelievable, But that’s because the truth was present! I Really thank you for your channel! This helps the fartherless women w. Great potential to think and move differently. I support this channel 1,000 percent.
Forgive yourself and believe that the best is yet to come. Sending you hugs.
Facts
Come on with the "more about choices and not about chance"👏🏿👏🏿
i really needed this great advice.. thank you so much. i learned from d experiences.. but honestly i'm so fine & happy being single now.. sick & tired of intense narcissistic toxicity. i also realized to love myself more.. more.
I still don't know how these women do that. I HATE wasting my time period, so I really don't get how they waste their time with an ain't shit man...hoping he will change. You ask them why they still with them....they Always give the same stupid answer. Oh because I love him. Ummm...What?? Thats No Reason to stay with someone. TF?? Anyway...let me stop. Cause I don't wanna seem like I'm shitting on women now, but Damn!
Sometimes it's because of a trauma bond from dealing with a person with npd. Unfortunately, that is something you don't understand if you have never dealt with it first hand. It happens with men as well.
@@MissCraig Oh ok
@Jay usually it’s from trauma and past childhood experiences that bind them together. Blinded. New guys deserve a chance. If your still single don’t give up ight. Keep da faith
@@Yolie707 Thanks sis. Wish you the same
@@Yolie707 true but I see women in their 40s 50s and even 60s doing the same sh*t from when they were in their teens/ 20s you would think they would have learned by now
Thank you. I know all of this, but I needed someone to remind me to choose respect and positivity in my life. I deserve more than what I allow.
Please do videos on single moms meeting a potential husband
What would we do without you, Kev!? Thank you so much. God bless you always 🙏
A little harsh in your words yet real. Just keep in mind some women don't know how to break old habits & believe in themselves. Very, very wise & real advice from you & an excellent reminder to follow through, for us women practicing our boundaries otherwise it defeats the purpose of learning from our mistakes. Thank you.
This is so true, accountability is key. 👏🏽
Totally agree people make their own life, but some women are trauma bonded though and feel like they can’t leave. Hopefully, your message will help women get on the right track to healing.
Thank you for these tips!! I definitely am holding myself accountable I learned a lot from this past recent experience and am committed to myself now to work me to become a better woman. 👑
I need this right now. thank you kev 🙏🏻
1:24 Rule # 1
I start to cry for people and women I don’t know….It’s a lot of us who are broken and wounded from relationships…It’s to many of Us…this Has To STOP ✋🏾
Any time you spent learning isn't wasted time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Kev you have NOOOOOOOOOO idea how deep that it!!!! That's the most powerful thing to me personally because of my history.
Thank you brother Kev!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
The last tip really hit home for me…
You have excellent points on other videos.
I'm sure it is not my phone. I could barely hear you on this video.
I’m sorry that happened to you kev. I’m glad you and you’re family are ok.
This was right on time. I need to listen to this again.
Kev...another good one!!!! 😌🙌🏾🙌🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾💯💯💯💯
Wow! I did this many years ago! I wish I knew this back then!
Well articulated. Thank you Kev
Smh … such spot on advice! ✨Wisdom✨❤️✨
I'm so glad you made this video because I am currently going through this.
Needed to hear this today Good advice.
Ouch! Thank you Kev ❤
Harsh Truths. I like. Thank you so much. I needed to hear #2 this evening 🙏
Negative energy GOODBYE! Yes he became an anchor I can not drag on any longer 👎💯💯💯💯💯
God bless ya Kev.
Found out I now have a disease that can't be rid. Upon hearing this, he left. Tells me he knows, I feel like dying.
I fell in love with a cheater!! Just fo
You give me strength Kev.. ❤️✌️
Thanks so much Kev!!! Starting to date again with your advice and it’s WORKING!!!! THANKS 🙏🏼
Number one rule, that is typical of me right now. I am finding it hard to deal
I had to stay - I could not afford to support myself - it took me - 13 years to secure a job where I could leave. I was a vaper trail out of that house of betrayal & disrespect
There's a long and nuanced comment from Sally about women's experience with violence. I don't have time to write a proper response, but I just wanted to say that your points still stand.
I don’t have time either. People forget the importance of context, and subject matter sometimes. No disrespect to her. I just don’t think dealing exclusively in experience extremes helps women who have a real chance of changing their lives right now. Of course all advice doesn’t apply to all people. That also doesn’t invalidate it.
Unfortunately I am dealing with this right now
One of your best videos !!!!!@@
U are absolutely correct
All I can say is AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!💯🙏🏽🙏🏽👌🏽
Sometimes it's not an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband to cause such grief
You’re right on time with this video. 💯🥰
Thank you for your insights Bro. 🙏🏽💚 It is really helpful for Me to hear clear strategies and real talk, especially coming from a man. I appreciate you and the content you share! 🌟
Great video kev ! I love your style! I like Eminem too. You get one shot. lol you’ve helped me in soo many areas of my life. I appreciate you.
Monique Lauzon
Really appreciate your videos
Don't totally agree with this but most of it I think is true Thx for ur videos!
Thanks for your honesty and insights.
“Well…I’m working on it”
Kev: “…no you not” 😭😭😭
Noted ✍🏾
No time to waste!
Another great video thank you Kev!! 🙏
Thanks Kev! Well said.
Thank you Kev for this much needed advice 😊
You always come along when I need it most… I guess this is my sign from God go move on. & honestly I ALWAYS say I’ve wasted time.. now i see where I was wrong.
👏👏👏👌🏼 I'm impressed with ur advice in this here video. Very well explained solid advice God bless you.
Cheers Kev! 🤝🏾
That was worth hitting the 'Subscribe' button.
I’m really struggling here been 14 months I been seeing the same guy but it’s not good communication it’s I feel more like booty call 📞 the moment he’s with me is great but once we end and got our seperate ways I never know when I’ll hear from him again or when we will see each other use to be every other day etc the. Something happen he ghosted me for 5 months n came back around Xmas
All true 👏👏👏
I need move on I need get back to gym and focus on my business
THANK U KEV FOR YOUR VIDEOS GOD BLESS 😊
I’ve had #1 done to me by ex boyfriend. Receiving punishment from his past wounds.😕
God will send the right man 2 u when he is ready if u go looking for someone 2 love u it will fail everytime
New skills 💯
Thanks!
Thank you 🙏🏾
I stayed bcoz of the kids. What choice do i have? I didnt want a broken family but i choose me. Its too much.
Love all your videos and watch regularly, but the audio is always so inconsistent and often very poor. Hoping there's some way this can be improved with future videos. 🙏🏻💗
Wat does it mean when a guy doesn't want to be inn a relationship with you but he stills wants to do relationship benefits 🤦🤷
A situationship
Nothing..it means zero..you mean nothing..just a option if that...
Walk away I know it’s not easy
He's trying to play you. Get all of your goodies while giving you nothing (except sex and a little attention while he's getting the sex)
@@shutit4024 5 years not going anywhere I'm.tried he just wants to be friends but still want my help
You funny Kev .
Thank you. 🙏🦋
Thank You