How Psychology Can Help Us Understand The Cuties Scene In Love Is Blind
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- Опубліковано 3 жов 2024
- #loveisblindseason3 #loveisblind #cbt
Cognitive behavioral therapy has an intervention called the ABC Method. From my previous video on the Cole/Zanab controversy from "Love is Blind" I was told that he did say what she accused him of. I agree and what we need to look at is context. The ABC Method emphasizes analyzing how to rationalize what you interpret in a healthy and productive manner!
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Our host Nicholas Davenport who is a leader in the applied psychological field as well as a former college professor. He has earned a masters degree in Sport Psychology and his research specializes in improving performance using personality, cognitive training, stress management techniques. He has trained and consulted with organizations such as the Naval Special Warfare Group 4, Aetna Insurance and Broward Sheriffs Office. He also has trained world class athletes Dustin Poirier and Julianna Pena. His experience in neuroscience, sport psychology, personality and clinical psychology allows him to give perspective on a variety of topics.
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For those pointing out the PTSD statement. I am aware that post means after, however in describing it I meant to say you are going to be affected by what happened before and it came out backwards when I said it and I missed this when editing.
I can guarantee that Zay’s next relationship is going to end the same. She has learned absolutely nothing and thinks everyone did her wrong and she is the victim. Cole, on the other hand, is going to be hyper aware and attentive and end up happy. She broke him, not the other way around. The difference is, he is willing to learn and grow. When he broke down and said he regretted the experience it was very mature.
When they were talking about her nagging, and she said she’s never lived with a man or partner before…only had people stay over one night and leave…I was like, that’s not at all normal for a 32-year-old!!! How could she be 32 and never had a serious partner? She’s got major issues
@@alicetoyou448 Well, after watching her on the show we know why she will stay single all her life.
I could not have said it better. Cole won from this experience whether he realizes it or not. He was BLESSED from the moment she said no at the altar.
@@alicetoyou448 I think that's why she likes being a flight attendant. She can ruin people all over the world if she wants, nevering looking back or taking accountability. 🤷♀️
Damn straight. I actually understand why she is single. She's a brat. She worked the entire cast and got them on her side all because she could never forgive what he said about Colleen. Girl is a calculating as hell, she gaslighted him and I bet she knew she was gonna say no but she had to shame him on TV.
I believe Zanab Took everything that Cole did or said out of context. And what she did at the altar was disgraceful and disgusting she should’ve just pulled him aside and told him how she felt but instead she embarrassed him in front of everybody that’s traumatic that was flat out evil. He never body shamed her.
I so agree but the point of that speech was not for her to air her hurts it was to humiliate him him and embarrass him , that’s her only goal at that time ! She could have said anything if it got back at him and got him embarrassed she was happy . She says she’s a Christian said that fake prayer then preceded to murder his soul ! She’s nasty piece of work .
@@teecop4735 agreed! It was so vindictive. No one is talking bout either how after she said “someone needed to freaking tell that boy”
@@LovejaycakesTTV so true! How about the FACT that it is totally what he is he’s 26. He’s not polished yet he’s still young and don’t posses class on the other hand she looked like his mother not a lover she is 30+. And should have known better! Also she claims she is insecure , but also said she is a catch and anyone who was with her was lucky ! I’m
Not sure about insecure as much as I am sure of narcissistic! Also what is the first thing a narc does they lie and isolate you like she did garnering everyone on that panel to believe he was abusing her ! Yea he said stupid things but she could have left a any time ! Oh and just to mention Brennan he sure changed fast 💨 he is that guy that gets involved in the women’s discussion and Affairs shut up mind your own business ! Wait till you can’t keep daddy’s baby in all the trimmings she is used to !
She did not. He kept calling her middle eastern when she told him she is Pakistani many times. She is indian by race and heritage. Anyone would be annoyed at that point especiallly when u keep proving u cant tell brown people apart and white is a beauty stabdard for u. Geez
But everything is being filmed whether it’s at the alter or not , it will be eventually seen by everyone , you just should leave Zae alone she was just expressing her emotions , honestly I do believe that the comments he made throughout the show really affected her confidence , they would affect anyone’s confidence, I think this was Zae finally standing up for herself..but of course I do feel sorry for Cory a bit
He said save your appetite for later because we are going to be eating a whole big meal. And asked why hasn’t she eaten already. She did that on her own
Tbh I do that all the time, everytime I go to a freaking buffet I save my appetite and not view it as abuse lol
She is a narcissist
What happened to autonomy? She has a right to eat whatever and whenever she wants, and any negative effects would come down on her, not him. He's too controlling.
@@orangemoon9634 you crazy just like h3r damn
Tbh, Zanab's wedding speech was extremely malicious and also felt very reharsed. Surely, her past experience and insecurities played a major factor in generating such behaviour, but still the behaviour had malicious intent of villainzing Cole.
Cole is immature but I don't think he had any malicious intent.
The man thinks indian race is middle eastern. He kept calling her side of family " your people and middle eastern" she is Pakistani. He cant even tell brown people apart. I can get her annotance in the cuties clip co she corrected him twice. No wonder she feels so unseen and insecure in his presence. He is so casually racist
@@lilmish6809 being ignorant about something and being racist are two very different things. Don’t be ridiculous 🙄
Lots of speculation here on my part - I'll say that first: Zay strikes me as one who had struggled with her weight and body concept issues all her life. Perhaps......."Perhaps".......this TV show might be the best she has ever looked and was there she was up against other beautiful women and men in the dating pool. That takes its toll. She was EXTRMELY passive aggressive in her aired interactions with Cole. And her wedding speech put all her insecurities and passive aggressiveness on display. Cole strikes me as a guy thar had some maturing to do, but not the monster the ladies were making him out to be. I think the guy is owed an apology.
@@lilmish6809 that’s reaching as fuck lol
Very well said
I wasn’t sure how to feel about the whole exchange until I watched her gaslight and destroy him in the reunion. That whole, “I forgave you from that moment on.” and “I don’t regret us.” Crap! I know what manipulation looks like and she ripped him open and made him look like a terrible person. It feels very powerless to be the only one in the room that knows what truly happened. To watch him turn around and apologize after all that made me angry.
She doesn’t like herself enough that’s the main problem. That woman needs therapy not marriage.
Totally agree. If Cole was mistreating her, it’s HER responsibility to ‘peace out’. If your man says someone else is a 10 and you’re a 9, it’s time to go. I feel if he loves you he would keep it to himself. Some truths don’t need telling. I digress, this has got us all in our feelings 😂
Try viewing it through a different lense. Like, what does it mean that she doesn't like herself? Why wouldn't she? I think it boils down to past experiences and the insecurities that manifested through those. So really saying "she does not like herself" means "she's made bad experiences in relation to her physical appearance before". And that's normal, we all have different insecurities based on past experiences. And you saying "that woman needs therapy not marriage" makes me go ??? Cause yeah. I think most of us would benefit from therapy in one way or another. Doesn't mean finding a loving partner and marrying them can't also further help her recognize how beautiful and precious she is.
@@louibeans Then she should have sought therapy and not a marriage show. It took her going on this show to finally get help but then again is she seeking therapy to blame Cole for all her past hurts or trying to actually heal from hurts that caused her to act this way in the first place ? I can only hope it's the latter.
@@louibeans Ok Zanab 👀
@@louibeans what i mean is that you have to love yourself enough to leave when you are not loved or respected. a mature person, cured, who loves herself enough would have stopped at the right time, she would not have taken revenge in front of an altar, nor at the reunion helped by two other colleagues with sorority as she did ! everything about her response choices screams: I don't love myself and I blame you for that. a psy will help her see all the biases she has put in place to blame others and make an awkward comment an offense. Marriage doesn’t heal broken hearts.
I agree with you. Zanab convinced everyone that her cognitive distortions were real. I’d like to hear your take on Brennon’s behavior all season vs how he acted during reunion. Also, why do you think everybody focused on Cole and not on Bartise or Matt?
I don't think Brennon is a "simp". He's supporting his wife. Generally a good idea if you're married and want to stay married.
The problem is he's falling for all of Zanab's bs.
Everyone is a victim of Zanab’s lies. In psychology it’s called triangulation
@@havok6280 Yeah I do agree that Brennon is supporting his wife. BUT he seems like he just goes with anything without even discussing or questioning it. Like the fact that he would continue taking care of her even after they divorce. Sure he can agree to it, but I feel like they should've discussed it more, rather than just saying yes I'll do it! Also, him just converting to Judaism. I feel like that such a big decision, sure he can do it, but it seemed a little too... Idk, easy and quick for him to just do that. (Maybe they did discuss these things more off screen) but because we never saw it, it just seems like he's a yes man.
But I love their relationship and I hope it works out.
@@havok6280 The issue is that we all saw that Brennan took Zanab's side, because Alexa took Zanab's side, even though he HAD to know that at least some of what Zanab was saying was bogus. I get why we would act this way to protect his marriage (Why make trouble for yourself based on a terminated relationship you aren't in?), but we can still make fun of him for not having integrity
@@Bee-vo7hw none of that makes him a "simp". Would you prefer he was more "alpha" like Matt?
I am so angry with Zanab. She rubbed be wrong the whole season, so bossy and critical all the time. But he wedding and reunion? Shame on her. Sadly she still thinks she is in the right.
I believe that even a psychologist would have a hard time trying to make her understand, possibly because she’s borderline.
She’s completely insane . And the first episode she kept saying she didn’t understand why she was single like I SEE WHY CLEAR AS DAY she’s scary af
I’m also in the healthcare field 13 years study after high school for not to say my profession but I think The interaction of Zaynab and Cole is a bad example of what you’re trying to teach. I think during the whole season Z behaved like she had a deeper mental illness. The scene of Z when they were all out at a bar and she started attacking Cole about what he said weeks before and then got very angry very nasty with that app on it and contrast of how Collene‘s boyfriend at. I believe she probably did have some trauma in her past but she was very mean hurtful and behaved almost evil and I don’t like using that term at the altar that’s why I think her mental problem is much deeper than what you’re trying to express.
She really made me SO angry and the #2 spot was all the wkmen standing up for her and gaining up on cole. That type of "women power" shit im not with.
Gosh, she picked on the dumbest things. She never allowed him to kiss her cause it wouldn't ruin her make up. She exaggerated the cutie scene. She's got narcissistic tendencies
Thank you I hate how people keep saying “she didn’t lie.” Lie yes she lied about the context and and created another part of the story that isn’t true.
Those people are usually women, white knights and simps that's a whole other story to dive into. We see this nowadays in politics. Citizens constantly back tyrannical morons in government no matter what they do. All because of fear.
She also lied to cole cause he asked if she still wanted to get married, she said yes. With a weird look on her face but still.
She also lied at reunion and said she hasn't time to eat, but in the wideo it looked like she purposely hasn't eat.
She absolutely did not lie. The situation happened precisely as she described it.
@@philmccracken2534 you are delusional..
Great videos! When you made the one with Cole crying I couldn’t handle it because I felt uncomfortable how he was treated and it made me upset. In the video you were very on point. With all these videos out on Zay it’s unbelievable people are still stupid enough to believe Zay. It’s disgusting they thought it was ok to gang up on Cole.
Thanks for tuning to my videos! Most are using their own personal bias to skew their judgements.
I’m not sure who to believe. They both showed their asses on many occasions and were simply not right for each other therefore they constantly butted heads.
But as a person in the industry I can tell you that what airs and the bigger story rarely matches on reality tv. That’s why Big Brother is such an interesting show because you can directly compare what makes it to air vs what really happens on the live feeds.
I think the cuties clip, on its own, seems harmless, but it’s entirely possible he was making comments about her eating all along that we didn’t see which built up over time. We just don’t know.
@@JM-yx4ew no Cole at best is immature... She is so insecure that it is her full personality. She keeps on saying she's fat or not pretty whatever. So he is giving her that comments back. She is a heck of a nag. She shouldn't be with a playful person like him. The way she reprimands him like a small child the entire time and constantly belittles him. She shouldn't even be on the show. With Cole what he done was discussed and she knew what he was like. She bamboozled him and wanted to be the victim for the whole thing. She's gross.
It always baffles me when I watch the same thing as someone else and it’s so clearly what happens but they come out with a whole different idea ! Like come on she was so nasty !
@@teecop4735 i agree. Then again we can see the sheep who believe anything anyone tells them , never mind the emperor has no clothes.
There were always many red flags with Cole and Zanab. Cole is definitely not clean but Zanab seems to misinterpret everything Cole says because of her victim mentality and low self esteem. Cole aggravated it with his immaturity and untidiness. Cole has good intentions and a kind heart unlike Zanab who seems mean spirited. When Cole cooked her dinner she completely overlook the kind gesture but instead focussed on what he was not doing right. In the "cuties" scene she takes out something to eat for herself and did not offer to share with him when both of them were clearly hungry. She comes across as self absorbed and overly judgemental. That kind of behavior destroys relationships.
I don’t think she lied. I think a lie requires a deliberate intention whereas she’s just so troubled that her perception and interpretation was so off that she created a different context to the story. I think she truly believes her story and thinks she’s a victim. That’s what’s so disturbing
Good point! She truly believes she is a victim
But she lied multiple times about things that didn't happen to make him look bad and garner sympathy. I think she was still stuck on what he said about Colleen and remembered what happened with Deepti getting so much sympathy and thought I'll just get even. Cole was far more likeable than Shake 💯 so ppl aren't as quick to accept it and then realized she lied when they saw cutie-gate
@@CCM8817 deepti was married a week prior so she had no knowledge of what happened. That doesn't mean she wasn't trying to have a similar moment. Deepti just wasn't part of the equation.
She has distorted reality tho that’s not an excuses it’s a lie because it hurt this man Cole and she doesn’t allow for critique or criticism or being proved wrong to me that’s conceding to your “lie” even if u interpreted wrong
Save yourself from girls who think like Zanab it’s stressful trying to convince a person like that about the most basic things in a relationship cause they find fault with anything
You will never grow as a man if you avoid women who hold you accountable. It might be easier to find a docile submissive who will just quietly take all the lousy treatment, but you won't improve.
Absolutely 🎯👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
OR guys like zanab! I've dated one before. Slowly drained me to a shell of old self, then took a long time to recover after I left!
She left a lot of details out which totally twisted what actually happened.
I've dealt with negative personality types before and it's just impossible. There is literally nothing that you can do, because you will never be able to do enough. You will ALWAYS be held to the moments when you didn't fulfill their expectation of you. It wears you out, deadens your soul and you end up just not wanting to try anymore. This feeds right into their mindset because it will "prove" to them that you do not care enough.
I don't agree with the generalization you make here, calling it a "negative personality type". What does that mean? It makes it sound like this person just chooses to view everything negatively because their personality is like that. But that's not true. I'd argue that in most cases, we're dealing with people who have been through major trauma in life, repeated trauma, that has then manifested itself as a massive fear of history repeating itself. So being negative about what's happening is just them fearing the worst, and having not yet learned the tools they can use to view a situation in a more balanced and reflected way.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I was actually worried Cole would adopt some of her personality. I dated someone like this for two years and after we broke up, I started treating the next person I dated like she treated me. I was hyper critical and not letting things go. I went to therapy because the person I was dating thought I was bipolar with anger issues. The therapist basically told me I held onto the trauma from my last relationship and began acting like her. We did visual exercises and breathing exercises to get over it. I'm married 5 years now to the woman who got me to improve and actually cared about me. It took over a year of therapy for me to completely recover. It wasn't easy.
@@louibeans True. I've dated this type it's the result of trauma. Still does not change the fact that dealing with this type of person can turn a vibrant partner to someone hollow on the inside. No matter how we love sometimes we are not enough to heal them. Their trauma is not their fault but healing is their responsibility and if they are not trying to heal, the best action is sometimes to let them go.
@@louibeans Yes exactly, but its not up to anyone to heal her trauma for her and it seems like she has zero willingness to change as it stand right. She would rather continue blaming everyone else for her weaknesses.
@@louibeans Healing your own trauma is an individual responsibility. Its no excuse to criticise and drag down everyone around you. Everyone has their own issues and its up to each person to get professional help rather than inflicting their negativity on others
The more my wife and I watch this show, the more we realize that things have to change with it. The process as It currently sits is going to breed more situations like this. I don't understand why therapy isn't a mandatory part of the experience. Instead, in their rush to get everyone to the altar, so many things are left unsaid, unaddressed, and unchallenged. No one is perfect and until a voice outside the situation can help, it's really hard to see your own mistakes. Neither Cole nor Zanab felt in a safe enough space to express themselves. Zanab with her self-esteem and Cole with his, as many people are forgetting though he is young, he has already been through a divorce. Whoever runs that show, do yourself a favor and make sure therapy is a part of the process.
He’s 26, he’s not a baby.
I agree. Even the show Married at First Sight provides counseling during the process.
Although it’s not part of the on camera process, therapy is available for those that want it (during and after) and everyone going into reality shows have to have a mental health screening.
because it’s not the point of the whole show and might even be counter productive to the whole show. the point is to create drama and toxicity by putting people in vulnerable positions. it’s all for profit or views, they’re not actually trying to help these people find love
@@calaragazza3556 26 is still very young.
This is so spot on. That is why I don't like talking big conversations through text. Things can get misinterpreted easily, which is exactly what she did in real time.
Cole was a victim... Zae is complex and would need a lot of help with communicating her feelings and also asking questions to make sure what she understood is actually what was said and what was meant!
More people need to watch this video. I am sure a lot of fights, words that can't be taken back and more, could be prevented if we actually think about what we are thinking about before reacting and rehearsing the negative concept. Great video
I love how you broke this down! I definitely feel like Zanab may have had some preconceived insecurities or traumas going into the relationship, which is why she automatically took what Cole said maliciously. At the same time, I believe that Cole was somewhat immature and too playful (he even admitted to saying some stupid things at the reunion). In that way, he wasn't sensitive enough to Zanab's feelings or in-tune enough with her emotions. He came off as immature but not necessarily malicious. They were just incompatible.
That entire scene she is dismissive of Cole meeting her extended family. The Girl was HANGRY and clearly took her attitude out on him there. The projection of her insecurities not just there but the entire season turned me off from her. I rooted for them at the start because he actually did try to talk to her to work through the issues but she kept circling back. I expected Cole to say and do some immature things, the guy is 26 years old. When Cole went to meet her step parents, her step mom said right then that Z gets in her own head very easily. The verbal lashing she unloaded on Cole at the wedding was over the top when the night before she was like I'm 1000% in and even then had tone when she said it. Straight gaslight him right there. I knew something was wrong the second her step-dad was so disconnected from the wedding ceremony before and during walking her down the isle.
I just want to say... I will pray and send lots of love to cole for his entire life.
because he sure looked childish but has always had pure golden heart and has a very open mind and respect and love towards everyone.
I am actually happy he didnt end up with zay.
Eevn as a women , I was on cole's side , I always felt fishy about zay and wanted cole to say no to her.
I really pray from bottom of my heart , that he gets the real woman , who has worked through her insecurities , who will give him all the love and resepct that he deserves and actually understands his humour. 💓
His parents raised him well.💕
Yes please continue posting your analysis, especially for love is blind, is very very interesting, thank you very much!
Excellent video, keep it up! I find it very interesting that I’ve heard Zanab say “I choose my words very carefully” multiple times now- during the reunion, on the show, and through interviews. I feel like that’s a tell, that she very much does choose her words carefully because she intentionally and specifically recounts things and chooses her words to make it so you can’t blatantly objectively say she’s lying, just like in the Cuties Revelation where she chooses to recount the scenario using the words that were said, but completely warps/leaves out the context and connotation.
Grace Report made a really great video about rewatching their storyline and breaking it down, you should check it out!
I've been rewatching the show as well, focusing specifically on them, and it's crazy. Red flags all over the damn place. Their first fight was over Cole describing their first night together as "Very good", instead of "Great." WTF?
Well, who says she's lying? She might very well be convinced that the way she views these events are real. They are real TO HER. That's not the same thing as lying? Lying would be deliberately painting a false picture. That's not what I believe happens here. I believe she genuinely recalls her experience through HER lense. This is what's real to her.
Also, why do you think she keeps saying "I choose my words carefully?" It's cause she knows that words can hurt. She's been hurt by them in the past. So she chooses them carefully cause she knows what damage they can cause. That's what I think.
@@louibeans The words she chose were still hurtful. Why did she feel the need to say " I could have dragged you"? It was a cold thing to say and completely unnecessary..she already dragged him at the wedding too so idk how much more dragging she wanted to do.
@@louibeans it’s subjective feeling truth but an objective reality lie. Not reflective of the objective reality.
Good video. Unfortunately so far the comments are split between those that already know about PTSD responses so get what you are saying and others thanking you for "providing she was lying". As opposed to realizing that her perspective was different because of her experiences.
Thanks for trying to get people to understand eachother more.
PTSD has nothing to do with the fact that she continues to shit on him on her ig stories to this day, she continues to play the victim like she literally learned nothing. she’s 32 and single went on a show to find love. and she complains that people are talking badly about her not cole. she won’t give it a rest. she knew what she signed up for and the fact that she’s begging for the victim role is proof she is and was not ready for a relationship. cole child like behavior is part of it also but at least he’s trying to move on she’s a psycho
Putting aside Zay and Cole, the way you explained peoples perceptions of things they see or hear and how to turn it into a more understanding positive experience really hit me and gave me a new way to look at life. Thank you for your free advice. Your videos are very insightful.
Thank you !
My ex was exactly like her. Would make up stories later to make me look bad. My thoughts are now that we know the cuties scene is COMPLETELY BS on zay's part, it calls into question everything else she said.
If her belief about Cole was negative, then it doesn't make sense for her to also say, that she would go through the whole experience WITH Cole again! She flip flops. Cole asking Zanab if she was bipolar was a legitimate question.
It’s clear love bombing… talking shit and then immediate words of affirmation. So gross!!
Although she was wrong at times, it doesn't take away from the fact that he chose the wrong time to bring something like that up. If you have a disagreement with someone, and ask with a smirk, if they are Bipolar, they will almost always take offense to that. If you genuinely want to know if someone is bipolar, choose the right time to ask, so it doesn't seem like you're an asshole that wants the argument to go on for longer.
@@melann8485 Cole always had a smirk lol, but TRUE a serious question like that should be asked with sensitivity
Exactly!! She plays the game so well, she led him to believe she was gonna get married then gaslit him on TV. Why would u do it again if he was such a problem
@@nonilove017 I think at the end of the day, those are two personalities that don't mix well lol
Conceptually this makes sense. My concern is simply that we really don’t have the full picture of this relationship. Zanab had a good reason to be insecure about her looks, as not only had Cole discussed other women who were potentially within his reach to date being hotter than her, and that she wasn’t his type, but there is always that anxiety in the back of her mind of “would he have picked me if he saw me first?” This experiment breeds insecurity.
Given that we saw only a tiny snippet of their relationship it’s entirely possible that he WAS regularly making comments about what she ate which could’ve built up to trigger her taking what seems to be an innocuous comment to heart. We just don’t know. Within relationships patterns emerge that, if you only observe it once it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if you see it continue over time it starts to become an issue.
I feel like at least one of these people is a manipulator and I’m not sure which one, but I am at least a little empathetic to Zanab because of her history of trauma. It’s not a terrible thing to want reassurance, if only she had a healthier way to express that.
Long story short these two were just terrible for each other. A complete mismatch of age and personality type. Experiment failed miserably on their part.
Exactly. I wish more people would see this perspective.
I actually disagree here y’all need to stop being SOO easy going with women. Cole has zero responsibility to Zaes insecurity. She was insecure from the jump and y’all tryna blame him for that. Maybe she should go out her way to find love until she love herself. First thing Cole said to her when he met her “omg you’re hot you need to be put in a magazine” (finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone is two diff things)
He NEVER said she wasn’t attractive. If anything he consgantly told her she was hot. Now beauty is subjective and not ever woman nor man is gonna be someone type that’s just impossible. Ur beating a man who wasn’t neccesarily attracted to her but found her attractive. For instance, Channing Tatum is attractive to me he is. But am I attracted to the guy?!? Absolutely not he not really my time. You can appreciate someone’s beauty without them necessarily being somone you’re attracted to.
For her to just assume everything is pose to be perfect , for you to be the other persons typical type is laughable. Is she a child? Im confused. And if Cole was any other dude im sure they wouldn’t be her type cause again not every person you see will be.
So to blame Cole about her insecurities when she never had confidence to begin with is ignorant.
Every comment he made towards other women is because SHE ASKED. Again further proving how insecure she is. Why ask someone to compare you or rate another woman that’s IGNORANT. And then play victim and berate them because of their answer.
Cole found Zae attractive that’s one of the BEST starts you can have during love is blind some couples don’t even find each other attractive. He at least found her attractive and was willingly to work and grow throughout the process but no. Because she constantly ask him to rate other women, her confidence or there lack of fell more into nonexistent.
She cause the damage in their relationship. If she never asked this man to rate or compare or ask him his type they would’ve been fine. A confident women, a confident person’s confidence would not shatter over a one week of meeting someone. Example is Nancy. Nancy is beautiful and despite consgantly being told she is not physically there for bartise she still stood strong “I’ll wait till you become attracted to me” why ? Cuz she knows she good looking she has confidence a man not being attracted TO her isn’t the end of the world WHY? Cuz it’s 3-4bilion men in the world and to think you’ll be every guy type is ignorant.
the point of the show is to GO against physical types and find someone emotionally there for you. Therefore already establishing the fact that every had a type in a past that clearly didn’t work out for them so now they are gonna do it blind. So to think just cuz you’re on a show 💀it’ll erase what’s your physical type is ignorant. She asked and he told her what his type was. Again why? CUZ SHE ASKED.
However, again you can not completely ignore that they had physical types and you DEFINTELY can’t ignore it if the person you’re with keeps asking you to explain you’re type 😂. Zae has issues and been insecure
Zay was 100% wrong in this relationship, context is everything. Someone hurt her, she needs to heal. This is textbook manipulation.
Honestly after the reunion, zay to me is the real secret villain because she clearly doesn’t have the best communication skills and don’t get me wrong, cole doesn’t either but it’s a different way. He is more doesn’t think before he speaks but she doesn’t communicate at all and keeps everything to herself which then leads to moments like her speech because I don’t think cole is a bad person or even a bad boyfriend, I think he was someone just trying to figure out what was going on with her and why he felt so confused and conflicted and why he was looking at Colleen because of the physical attraction yet his emotional attraction to zay was super strong. Because she blindsided him with that speech and then she was like but I forgave you for all your missteps in our relationship but also what about her missteps and got to walk away while he was reeling for her decision and words for months. I don’t blame him for regretting the experience on the show because he never intended on making anyone feel lesser than.
I feel like her parents dying may have played a role in her staying in a permanent victim state. Please don't come for me, my parents died when I was 8. My brother and I took it very differently. He's 35 now and still plays victim in everything he does and I believe it's from our childhood trauma. What I'm saying is I believe Zanab has possibly made being a victim her whole identity. I'm not saying it's her fault either, it could be naturally instilled in her after what happened as a child. She probably has not received proper counseling in order to get the coping tools that she needs to have a successful relationship.
This is really good insight!!
This is exactly how I saw it. It seems like she has CPTSD from childhood trauma, which would really warp her perception. I think she actually TRULY believes that Cole emotionally abused her too, which is the saddest part 😞 I hope she can look back on the show and realize her behavior so that she can seek out therapy and work on truly healing before she even thinks about dating again. Wishing her and Cole both healing ❤️🩹
Or it's more like a scapegoat and a little bit of justification to just be a complete asshole and say I am sorry my parent died when I was young blah blah blah bs. This chick needs to learn how to take accountability and how to give a proper apology.
I tell people I keep my peace by not taking anything personally. You never know what type of day someone is having so I just always assume it’s them and not me unless someone comes to me directly and says I’ve done something that has affected them, otherwise you’ll be offended by everything people do/say
I resonate with this SO MUCH! This revelation is such a life changer!
I watched the cuties video everything she said he said was true but she took it wrong and if she wasn't so insecure she wouldn't have taken it like that.... he said are you dieting because of your wedding she said something like that... that shows she really is insecure and what he said has been knocking her self esteem down.... she is a damaged woman no doubt
I love how you explain these concepts! Very very informative and I’m guilty of thinking like that sometimes and is very nice to see it from other perspectives
Loving your analysis of LIB. Zanab said Cole destroyed her self esteem. I didn’t think that our self esteem could be destroyed by someone else. I thought only we determined our worth.
I’m interested in your opinion and what psychology says about the intricacies of self esteem.
Our self esteem can absolutely be destroyed by someone else. Bullying is a thing. Not just in school, in friendships or relationships as well. With friends or your partner, you care what they think of you. If you get constant jabs about your appearance or eating behavior, that can really get into your head.
@@louibeans Yeah, but you should learn how to set boundaries with other people as you get older. Nobody is going to do it if you don't first. If someone disrespects you, you should be able to a) confront them about what you think they did wrong, and b) leave them if you think they were being disrespectful toward you. She waited to give her speech at the altar. Girl, why?! I am sure she felt bad because of his comments, I think she's being honest within herself, but at the same time I don't think he was a jerk on purpose... Why didn't she talk to him or leave him earlier? Her behaviour was also immature, that’s what I am trying to say.
@@louibeans Her self esteem was destroyed before Cole and she was projecting on him..from day one she was asking him questions about her looks, assuming that he wanted nothing to do with her over minor things that he wasn't even giving much though such as the leaving her I'm bed to sleep after their first night together. Or him saying it was a good night instead of great. She was broken before him.
Zanab knew exactly what she was doing. She is a classic covert narcissist.
I love how you reinforced the concept by specifically labeling which parts of the video where A,B, or C.
Hi! Here and educator and yoga teacher who loves psychology. I came to find peoples opinion about this relationship after watching the show. I am very woman supporter in general but when they using her gender as weapon is not right. For me, Zanab shows a lot of anger inside of her and ready to explode anytime . Cole did play radical honesty, his bad, obviously was not good for either of both but I can see he didn't do it with bad intentions. But, the way Zanab was talking to him, hostil and clearly full of hate towards him... Seems that she really wanted to make him really feel bad! I will even say she even wanted to use her victim role to manipulate him and everyone around him. And seems that it did work. This time I won't support her attitude at all , that was way more inmature of handle her emotions and reactions than Coles. He may have done wrong things, but her way of trying to destroy him and .. revenge? Is just unacceptable.
Great explanation. I’ve heard the belief explained this way - you can either give people the benefit of the doubt (maybe he didn’t mean it that way, maybe they’re hangry, maybe they’re stressed) or you can take it negatively. We are more likely to choose the second when we don’t trust someone or don’t know them well. Consciously choosing to give people the benefit of the doubt will make you happier in life.
We are more likely to choose the negative interpretation what we've experienced something like this before. If a person got bullied about their appearance growing up, they are much more likely to take comments on their appearance like this.
i think zanab is a sweet girl and there truly were great parts to her, but she had no reason to embarrass cole at the wedding and turn the entire cast against him. that was mean. i hope she learns and grows because i do think she is a good person, just has some growing to do.
Z’s speech was rehearsed. Her stepmother said just say how you feel. And the stepfather grabbed her to walk her out
Good analysis. Also applies to "microagressions". Often what's going on in your head carries more weight than what actually happened.
Yes no doubt! A lot can be made from the little stuff. Appreciate the feedback.
I'm not sure why people are pretending Cole wasn't a complete a hole the entire time and relentlessly compared her to another woman physically.... and she didn't lie... he said exactly what she said he did.
Yup and they were clearly non compatible either.
As a fellow Afghan girl (Zanab is half Pakistani) I’m disgusted by her EMOTIONAL & VERBAL ABUSE. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she has been treating Cole. I didn’t like her since the second episode. She should’ve never signed up on this show, she ruined the fun lighthearted vibe. Cole would’ve been so much happier if he had picked Colleen.
Side note about Colleen, I’m worried about her as well. Matt is clearly abusive and I have no doubts he has or will hit her. This season was entertaining, but the people are disappointing.
Doesn’t even taknrace to realize as a person she’s a narcissist, abusive girl ready to get you before you get her to make herself look better. Smh
@@blessedbythebest1003 I mentioned my race because I’ve seen other ethnic women defending Zanab, some even saying it’s racist if we don’t agree with her. Zanab is appalling.
@@mis3686 I heard a comment or saw some article saying how Cole doesn't like brown girls ??? I do not know of that is even true. It's possible this was another view she had that isn't verified.
@@mis3686 I know. That why I’m saying for those that are saying to be on her side are wrong because anyone can see for what it is. 👍🏼 you’re just smart.
Desi women with zanab facial features end up being evil.. And toxic people.. It's kinda weird.. But this is just personal experience.
I feel like this whole situation will be en eye opening for a lot of people, that live for years in a relationship with people like Zanab and they might finally figure out, that they are not crazy. Yep. Being in a relationship with narcissist is not an easy web to get out of
While I understand this concept with the cuties example. I urge everyone not to take sides. Zay is flawed but that doesn’t make Cole any less flawed. he really thought two cuties would spoil a dinner and decided to tell someone else not to eat them…. Like sometimes I wish that man had a mute button. I honestly don’t blame zay for that misunderstanding cause if someone told me 2 cuties would ruin my appetite I did be like huh??? Bruh come again? That’s a children snack.
Sometimes when you are dating very silly, childish men they can make you feel insecure with some of their silly comments. I am pretty sure he did say a few stupid things to her, but Zanab, instead of bringing it up and talking about it, got offended and created a narrative where he was the mean guy, and she was the victim.
He wasn't mean, just not her cup of tea. She should have talked to him or left him earlier.
I really don't think either of them is lying (I think she lied in the reunion episode to save Brennon's ass, when she said that Cole had told her about wanting to kiss another girl before getting married).
They shouldn't be together; they are not a good fit. It was so clear since day one, when they wake up and things were tense already... She shouldn’t have given him any lesson at the altar, she should have left earlier, as I said.
How was the cole and another girl thing saving Brennon?
@@oliviaoconnor2201 I literally came under this comment to ask the same thing ? Is this person implying that maybe Brennon was the one flirting since he was clearly wasted and doesn't remember a ting ?
He was gaslighting her throughout the whole show though 😂😂😂😂
What the hell are you talking about?!😂😂😂
Zanab is such an insufferable woman 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ She's so negative. She never smiles, she always thinks the worse of Cole.
I think Cole is just a playful guy, it takes a special girl to get along with him. Definitely not Zanab's kind
From what I got from this was " hey we're going to be eating dinner soon, and I don't want you to spoil your appetite before dinner. " it honestly sounds like something my mom would tell me when I was younger. I could be wrong though.
Zanab was manipulative and gaslighting for sure.. victimizing herself like a master.
Good video!
Small edit: Post actually means after, meaning the traumatic stress lives on after the traumatic event/s.
Yea I peeped that. I meant to say that but what I said on the video I was referring to they let past stress and anxiety worry them in the present. Thanks for the insight
He definitely meant it like… don’t ruin your appetite. He was literally thinking about them going out in a minute. He was always coming from a nice place. He just used the wrong words sometimes.
It’s projection. There’s so much evidence of her own insecurities throughout the show. It was the same thing with Matt where his insecurities were blinding him to Colleen’s love. Zae’s insecurities became a self-fulfilling prophecy and ended her relationship.
She asked the dude who he found attractive and she used that as a weapon against him many times. Don’t ask if you can’t handle the truth.
I agree. I’ve never in my life asked a man to rate me. That was a weird question.
zanab continues to shit on cole, her recent ig post proves that she just wants to destroy his image and give him hell and then her paragraph yo the internet huge yikes . especially her being a downer and negative the entire time, people need to wake up, especially these feminists female that always say the man can only do wrong. big yikes from nancy stepping in too 🤥 she definitely has some work to do. and her waiting until the wedding just to bring him down. she’s a horrid woman
She is very toxic woman...... That's why no man flirts with her, once she told to Cole in a pode.....
I’m a proud feminist but these other women are clearly blind. The fact that they’re enabling Zanab’s abusive behaviour is appalling.
Seriously. I’m a woman and disgusted by this narcissist. Her looks been out the window because her nasty personality shines brighter. 🤮
I think the 'Believe All Women' thing has gone nuclear. In society, we are taught to always believe women, but clearly, it's dangerous. I wonder if Cole has grounds for a defamation case.
@Lofi My Life🧜♀️ it is feminism. she told all her homegirls about the idea she had in her head and they all rallied against cole bc women are better right and women can do no wrong so they didn’t even give cole a chance to even explain himself without xanax i mean zanab making herself the victim and the rest of the girls to go against cole cause girl power? you can clearly see it when nosey nancy gave her two cents of anger when it should’ve been to her batista ass dude
Psychology only takes you so far. In reality, the full context of who these people are and why these things transpired between them has to be understood. The methodology is one thing, and the application is another. Zainab is British, and Cole is American.
First, Zainab is, so to speak, a person of colour, but Cole is not. All her life, Zainab has found herself in white spaces where her attractiveness has been tied to her identity. In a society that holds that dearly, it wouldn't be a shock when Zainab's already present insecurities resurfaced because her partner kept comparing her with the closest white woman, Colleen. American racism is one thing, but British is another. She's grown up with that, and that is the lens she sees life through.
Second, there is a disconnect between British and American banter. Zainab often appears condescending or passive-aggressive because she was raised in a country that talks like that. While she is being intentional, and it would be understood as a light-hearted but serious conversation when talking with a fellow Brit, it does not translate well with someone who has grown up American. So while she may seem negative, it's not necessarily the case.
Moreso, there is nothing wrong with Cole not realizing how his actions could hurt her. He has never had to negative her situation or been surrounded much by British people, and that's ok. But you cannot come out of this situation seeking to create a villain out of either of these two people. Cole could have been more sensitive to her feelings because, based on the editing, it did seem like he was belittling her sometimes, and for someone like Zainab, who is an overthinker- not by nature, but as a result of how she grew up, it's not a shock that she read too much into some situations. Zainab definitely didn't need to make that scene at the wedding after refusing to marry him, and she could have been more communicative with him. Cole could've been a better listener when she was trying to voice her feelings. Cole definitely shouldn't have made any jokes about weight or eating because Zainab is clearly curvier than Colleen, and that would have made her self-conscious, especially because he'd made it clear that she wasn't his type. All in all, they just weren't a good match for each other, and it's really no one's fault, but they could've both handled the situation better. Someone's insecurities or attraction are not the basis for anyone, especially a psychologist of all people, to vilify them.
People need to understand that telling the truth is different from telling the truth in a way that benefits you.
I felt so hurt for cole, zanab is such a mean insecure nasty person and is clearly why she has never and will never find a man, she is always focused on the negatives of everything and misinterpreting everything…im surprised she didn’t misinterpret her parents death as a way for them to not want to be her parents in real living life
She's spoilt and nasty. Says she is sweet but never has any actions to back it up
Zanab only reacted to the cuties scene because she’s been shit talked by Cole the whole entire show. Does everyone have amnesia or something?? I’m not saying her reaction was justifiable by any means but he’s been chipping away at her self esteem since they met outside the pods so hence her heightened sensitivity. Two things can be right at the same time, she misinterpreted that cuties scene but that doesn’t excuse the shitty statements he’s made to Zay prior to that scene. Cole just wanted to play fight with the nerf guns but Zanab didn’t even want to entertain it and that was just one of the many scenes where it shows these two were the least compatible.
💯 agreed! People don’t know how to think critically! It shouldn’t even have to be explained, it’s very clear Coles intentions were not to body shame her but Zanab was ready to destroy this man’s life. I’m not sure if she’s lying out of spite or actually believes it?
It's spite. It makes me sick that u could do that to someone and still pretend to have forgiven them. At least be honest, don't give us a narrative about what a great guy he is...she plays the victim so well
Is it not a normal thing to tell someone “save your appetite since we’ll be having dinner later “?
I’m genuinely asking because from my experiences and background, we say that. And it’s just that, if there’s a party or dinner later on, we tell people to save their appetite so they can eat the prepared food.
I even do it at dinner like don't stuff yourself with the garlic bread or you won't be able to finish the main course ... nobody's ever had a meltdown because of it
@@aliveandhearty7321 Fr, it’s not something to have a whole meltdown over. 🤦♀️
Dating someone with a lot of insecurities is EXHAUSTING. He would take offense to every other sentence I say. Like the world does not revolve around you and your feelings. wth.
Great reasoning and point of view!!!
Zay is Cra-zay
Thank you for explaining this
I believe Zay is the one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and now she has further insulted him by turning the whole crew against him. They are taking one side. There was so much footage of her verbally abusing him.
Wow actually learned alot in this video- Thank you 👏🏿
Im just tired of him apologizing to her. She continues to play the victim. She knew she didn't want to marry him. It was like she went through the alter to hurt his feelings the way she thought he hurt hers. The dude was so exited about being married but she wasn't
Just found your channel & loving your insights and style! Thanks for the video :))
I needed this
Cole dodged a bullet. Zanab is the definition of toxic. That girl lied the entire show
on your second video (i’m an mft) and i think you know more than “a little bit” of clinical psych😎 subscribed- keep it up my friend
Oh wow that’s an honor from someone such as yourself! Thank you
Idk, I'm so split and I know the men like Cole, he prob made comments thinking he's just teasing but is really chipping at her insecurities
Complete aside: did anyone else notice Bartise's demeanor and body language during the reunion episode? Dude was just DONE with all of it. I'm sure he was thinking, "after this show, my contractual obligations are complete and I'm just done with all these people. He didn't say very much the entire episode.
I wish everyone went after him instead of Cole
Reminds me of my last relationship. He abandoned me during one of the darkest times of my life after cheating on me and gaslighting me, being sexually and emotionally abusive. I was so broken after he left, but I picked myself up and continued forward. Thanks to him leaving, I am now married to a wonderful, loyal man who loves me, my only regret is not waiting for my husband I could have saved myself a lot of pain. Cole has a beautiful future ahead of him, he will find a woman who loves and appreciates him, even when he leaves some laundry on the floor or doesn't put wine in the "correct" glass. When I see my husband's underwear on the floor I am grateful he is alive and well to leave it there.
That poor guy, he was so cute and goofy and patient with her. I understand he messed up telling her Colleen was hot, u don't tell your woman that. But all the other stuff she claimed was all lies. He was so perfect with her. She messed it up not him.
great content
Preach !
Appreciate it
He didnt know she hadnt eaten all day and even said "All you had was a banana?"... so he didnt know!!! She is manipulative and has such low self esteem that she needs constant attention and reminders of how he feels about her. No man will tolerate her an her attitude.
As a pakistani girl i can tell u he is casually racist and doesnt realize it. The fact she kept correcting him that she is pakistani but he kept callin her family "your people" and "middleeastern" in the cuties clip shows that he thinks all brown people are an 'alien or different race'in his mind and that all brown people are same. Pakistani are south asian and of indian or eastern iranic descent by heritage they are not arab or middle eastern. He choice of words is was way too insensitive in the cuties clip. I dont blame her for viewing everything he said after that point without any grace and was irritated with clear annoyance discernible in her voice and behaviour. The woman corrected hin twice too that she is pakistani but he did not correct himself.Go rewatch the scene and tell me its not problematic behaviour. No wonder anything he said was viewed negatively by her. There is more nuanxe to the clip that you are seeing. His comment would irk any Pakistani. In the pool he showed that he thought a white girl is a 10/10. After that pool situation, nothing he said has helped erase that fact that brown people are lesser man dont even bother to correct hinseld when she corrected him ahe is Pakistani. Cole is an idiot who is casually racist. He doesnt even realize that is problematic behaviour. Zanab is vindictive and a bitch but i can see where her annoyance comes from.
ABC - author Abert Ellis love that guy along with Aaron Beck who applied cognitive behavioral therapy. I love that therapy it is part of my degree and what I do as a cbt therapist 😌
The show isn't going to show all the verbal abuse that she went through or that the other girls might have gone through because that would make them liable for letting that continue throughout the show
I find that interesting because they had. O problem showing Matt exploding his head off at Collen and her looking scared as hell of him. I'm still trying to understand why they didn't address that.
Yeah every one is focusing on just the tangerines. But he is so immature, it would be like dating a 17 year old.
They are both total strangers to eachother so he could have paid more attention to her reaction and body language. She may be insecure but I find it hard to believe many women wouldn't be irritated when he asked her if she's bipolar. If this wasn't to antagonise her, then it didn't benefit him. He wasn't saying "Did I hurt your feelings some how?" I mean we all want Zanab to not take things out of context well I don't know in what context it is ok to ask if someone is bipolar.
Can u talk about the psychology of Cole and BARTISE and the betrayal they did to their partners in the pool scene?
They're men. They are human. Was it appropriate? No. Disrespectful? Yes. But they are young and were so enough to be toooo honest. We need to let it go cause neither pursued it afterwards
@@janestorm9813 I wasn’t asking you. And what is an excuse as they’re men? Bye
This is my worst nightmare. To lowkey be the toxic one and blame it on the other person 😬 I think I did that with my best friend when I was like 19 lol grown a lot since that friendship ended though but wouldn’t want to make that mistake again..
Virtually every breakdown I've seen of this "cuties" episode has bent over backward to try to establish her mental issues and the role they play in her behavior but I have to wonder, if the roles were exactly reversed, whether Cole would be receiving the same deference and wiggle room as Zanab is. Something tells me that, if it were the guy gaslighting and manipulating HER, he'd just be portrayed as "The A-hole." Period.
You know ZAE is watching this 😂
the thing is... as a woman (maybe a man too, but i am not a man) *IF* you are already an insecure mess, maybe have ED too, and have not done the work at all.. to love yourself as you are , and not take EVERY comment from a childish man to heart, THEN you can hear whatever you want as a critique or insult, even when it's actually not.
Cole said a lot of stuff, that would hit someone HARD, i they are already very insecure. however, that doesn't mean that what she heard, was the truth. he probably didn't mean anything in the way she took it.
they both just really were not communicating well. Z could have told him WHY those comments hurt her, and cole could have not been so hurtful.
on the flip side, with a nagging insecure and probably narcissistic women like her, you can never win... so even if he was prince charming, i'm sure she'd find a flaw somewhere there too.
She said guys never really approached her..maybe they were sensing something was off and it had nothing to do with looks.
I really don’t think there anything wrong with how Zanab handled the situation the only thing that broke my heart is watching cole just constantly talk about how he didn’t really find Zae that attractive or how he finds other women more attractive, no woman would want to hear that from her man , and as a man you have to choose your words wisely when you are talking to your woman, and to make things worse Zanab is such a beautiful girl, so it just never made sense to me how he kept making her feel like she wasn’t the full package, that really upset me and now imagine how she must have been feeling..
Wow! I love how you explained all this! Thank you!
I know a professional won't agree with my words lol... but I don't like ppl who are extreme with insecurities because they cause problems... some ppl say I'm mean when I say I don't care for someone who might appear very nice, mean and meager.... but I think some of those ppl can be problematic. I peeped how insecure Zenab was by the time they ended up at the resort...I called it and ai knew it would go badly for Cole. He wasn't perfect but he wasn't doing even half of what she accused him of. I felt really sad for him. I'm glad he was redeemed by footage.
Excellent explanation!
Drives me crazy that Bartise is the only one standing up for Cole at all... like come onnnn!!!! It's funny that Bartise has on multiple occasions given good advice to the other guys and cut out BS when the guys were together. But Bartise with the girls... no sir.
Brennan acting like he's "better than" because he "won" the show... man he sucks.
She was a very negative person with a very negative outlook on life. I believe her irrationality causes her to always see things in a negative way.
So being damaged and insecure = accepting jokes that knock down your self esteem even more.
She Used The Show For Fame & Doesn’t Want To Be Called Out For Her Bs I Just Hate How The Other Girls Backed Her Up Cole Almost 10 Years Younger Then Them & They Quadruple Teamed Him I Would’ve Been Walked Out.
This part had me sooooo angry!!!! If i was a cast member i would have checked her. Girk power and all that shit isnt sugar coating things to your girl friend, its telling them when they fucked up!
Zanab is highly passive aggressive!! Anyone with good sense ,will note that she plays the victim but she is really manipulative and calculating. She exaggerated everything he said.She was also over the top about the clothes lying around. Give me a break, his values are important-we can work on the tidiness.She goes on about how sweet she is and how much she loved him, before crushing the guy. Yes,he made an inappropriate comment about Colleen -but watch his love develop for Zanab in the build up to the wedding. He was in love and ready for marriage. I think its good that she said no cause he is better off.Note how she pushed him away saying something about her make up everytime he leaned in for a kiss. She took it upon herself to limit her eating when he was clearly alarmed by why she was doing this.
Oh jeez.
The perfect examples of red flags in a pretty well calculated woman...
You just taught me a lot
Appreciate that!