I think that is one of the best helps and the hardest to achive no stalking if you can control it by the 6 week you are in a real stage of healing little by little
10 years, on and off again. Picked someone else, just up and went like it was all for nothing 🥺 Run like your life depends on it. Please. Nursing this heartache is no joke.
You dodged a bullet. I hope you blocked him on social media and phone. Mine had been moving in with a woman and was still trying to get with me. I told him NOPE! I'm done. Did it sting? Yeah, but he had made me cry and hurt so much over the previous 10 years and had treated me like trash, I was fully done. I deserve better and so do you. Work on yourself now. *Hugs*
@@oldsmokeycat smh he’s back claiming to have saw the light. You can’t make this stuff up. Had to block at that point. They will play with you as long as you let them.
Go for therapy and address the separation wound you have. Also consider getting assessment for neurodivergence eg ADHD and autism. Untreated anxiety can also evolve into OCD and obsessive behaviour and a love interest can become the focus of that obsession. There are way way more conplex things at play, that cannot be just reduced to 'stop talking to him and you'll be okay'. I realised that my ADHD was a key reason for my hang ups and obsessions. Knowing this helped me a lot, I can now safely disengage with the full awareness that if that person pops into my head again it is just a nerve pathway that my brain created, and it means absolutely nothing, and I can let that thought go without tension and distress.
From self experience. It is like Matthew told like addiction. As harsh as it sounds you haven't had your breaking point. Maybe never will or the other person will cut you off. That happened to me. Worst and best thing ever happened to me. Today I'm happy married but only therapy and self awareness saved me as well as Matthew advises... It's never too late.
The timing of this video is ON POINT with my life currently. I just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant and the man I am with (for more than 3 years) said he doesn't love me enough to have a family with me and he would never speak to me again if I give birth to this child. Made me realize he was never actually commited nor he was ever planning to be - he was just giving me enough to keep me there cause he was scared to be alone and I blindly went with it. Matthew, I needed to hear this so desperately, thank you. I'm done giving my all to leeches.
Girl, I’ve been there, this is an unimaginable heartbreak!But you WILL get through it and looking back will be very grateful you didn’t end up with him 🙏🏼 I PROMISE you that!!!
I’m so sorry you had to experience the pain of realization that the person you loved wasn’t capable of being a man of his word and reciprocal or respectful of you, if the pain of this man’s memory will make it too difficult to raise this child, please consider adoption. Sending hugs and loving strength energy your way!
Boy do I resonate with this. Trying to just cut off ties with someone who was your best friend, comfort person, support person is so bloody hard. It’s like a part of your heart & soul is just gone and you feel heartbroken, sad and lonely but I know deep down I have to feel the pain to heal it even though I still don’t want to let them go. 😢
I thought I had moved on, and every time I let her back in, even a little bit, the high drags me back in. It's repeated grief of unfathomable pain. One day I will learn.
I did the brave thing, told him to not text me and he did! I hooked up with him again and like you said, it was the same thing all over again. The empty feeling after. I finally told him I’m cutting you off and I’m blocking you since you always text me when I say not to. Started thinking about him today after a month and half. Thought about reaching out but like Mathew said, you have to let those feelings pass and it’s very hard but we are strong and could do it!
Love this perspective 10 years of experience and absolute nothing in return many times I've 🚫 for him to txt only mere words which ac ount for nothing!
I had never thought about it that way, but it totally makes sense. We get addicted to the attention they give us, to the dopamine hit when they message, or when we see them and it's all like the honey-moon phase at the start of a relationship, as you don't see each other that much, so you only get the nice dates, intimacy etc. Not the real connection, the difficult moments, the compromise etc you get in a real relationship.
I was addicted to my abusive lover, but it became too painful to be connected to him. I had to leave and let go. I had no other choice. I'm in nine months of absolute no contact now. There is calm and peace of mind. Yes, it does feel boring but it is empowering too. Last week I bumped into him and his new wife, I couldn't sleep that night. But nothing after that. It has gotten better with time. I'm focusing on myself, the new me, on improving my skills and financial stability, it has made me more confident. Cheers! Better days are coming!
What really helps me is to give those guys nicknames when I think about them, which reflect the true situation. It is very effective in order to reduce the feeling of attraction and excitement. For instance, I met a guy who was not investing in me so I called him "Mister Boring" in my head. When I received a text from him for instance I told myself " Oh, Mister Boring has just texted me" or when I saw him in the streets I told myself " Oh, here comes Mister Boring". It is a funny way to help not beeing carried away by someone who does not deserve it.
Spanky Amy and sleazy Kevin were the first time I started naming to create distance. I can't bring myself to give my lover a name though. I will always love her but I broke away because as she is... She ain't good for the men in her life.
i now find beauty in the waves of pain, how beautiful it is to be alive and get to grow and learn. to know that our pain is here to teach us and show us how to love ourselves and others. life would be utterly boring and meaningless if we were always happy, we're all warriors of life. feeling the pain and loss is all part of the journey and shows that we're brave enough to continue on living and showing up despite how difficult it may be.
For anyone readig this who watched the video. A lot of what MH was talking about overlaps with limerance and limerant objects. It's an addiction and those with childhoold or complex PTSD are especially susceptible to it. All the best everyone. I went through what he talked about in the video and it truly was an addiciton and it took me to the lowest of lows when I had to go through "withdrawal"
Yesss! The withdrawal from the relationship/situationship/FWB’s is the absolute worst! I’m out of my relationship for 3 weeks now , but the first 2-3 days was unreal! I could cry at a “drop of a dime” and I constantly would think about him…I’m seeing the arrangement we had very differently now that I have some distance from it…the shocking part for me is that it hit me this hard! I still think about him everyday but it’s easier than it was 3 weeks ago…I’m learning to accept that it wasn’t a healthy relationship for me…(FWB’s) sigh…❤️🩹😩😔😢
Ended a year long relationship this week… never before had I felt so many doubts and so much insecurity in a) the validity of my feelings and b) the reciprocation of my feelings. Sometimes, I would just randomly cry thinking about this. Like many people said in the comments, when it’s good it’s REALLY good. It’s pure breadcrumbing. It’s DRAINING. But the never ending cycle of confusion is just NOT worth it. Don’t ever let someone gaslight you for standing up to the fact that you are not receiving the love you are giving.
bawling my eyes out at the part of "how these situations play out" because this is exactly how i've been feeling these past few months. I can't seem to let this person go because "when it's good, it's too good". Seeing this as an addiction definitely helps, i really can't keep trying to fit him into the "love of my life" role, because my person wouldn't treat me this way. Your videos are helping me a lot, Matthew, this is definitely one of the hardest experiences of my life.
I've watched a lot of videos about letting someone go, and this one blows the rest of them out of the water. It actually makes sense and helps, whereas the others are so generic (get a hobby, take a walk in nature, etc)
I hate these videos. It's so on point and speaks right to me. It's exactly what I need to do and I know it. The truth hurts and it's difficult but it's absolutely what needs to happen. I'll rewatch this everyday for as long as I need to help me and become stronger.
This is honestly one of the best videos I've ever seen on not only this subject, but many other subjects. I'm sure it's been said before, but it felt like you were talking direct to me. Thank you for it Matthew.
I wish I could leave more than 1 like on this. Just one video and I'm on my feet again. Got rejected after 12 years of liking someone one-sidedly. What a beautiful video!
Finding a sponsor - I have an alternate number to which I used to send texts everytime post breakup my mind screamed that i needed to text him. I used to feel mad at him for what he did and wished i could tell him in person. I instead sent those texts to my own other number to get the frustration out. It helped. 😅
Thank you Matthew for this video. It's been 3 months since my relationship with my situationship ended due to my obsession coupled with my anxiety. Now that she has had a new one within 2 weeks, the person she told me not to worry about. I am learning day by day that it is important to have standards and appreciate/love yourself and never change yourself for another person. The only thing standing in the way now is that we have the same social circle and we will see each other on New Year's Eve, but even then I will just be myself and try not to intimidate myself.
Good for you but you can always do something outside the group for new year’s. It’s important to develop new friendships outside your born in order to evolve and grow
❤ going through the same thing but I am okay...... if you actually sit with the actual situation and view it as it is ..no more through hope or rose tinted glasses..you can easily move on
love video, just cant believe my wife left me after 18 years, she just left me. she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. Ive tried everything possible to get her back, but nothing seems to work and I cant stop thinking about her Im frustrated I dont see my life with anyone else. Ive done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I cant I dont know why I'm saying this here, I really miss her and just cant stop thinking about her
I'm really sorry to hear that. I went through something similar not too long ago. My girlfriend and I broke up and I felt completely lost. I tried everything, but it just seemed hopeless. Well I ended up reaching out to this incredible spiritual adviser. He helped me in ways I never thought possible. After working with him my girlfriend came back to me and now we are happier than ever really.?
Thank you so much! I just searched his name, and I found him, the reviews look amazing, and I m feeling hopeful now. I really believe I can get him back. I'm so happy to have found this.
My boyfriend of over a year ended our relationship through a text message the day after Christmas. We’re in a long-distance relationship and had just spent the holidays together last month. I’m still overwhelmed by the pain and heartbreak. I couldn’t even bring myself to respond-I had no words. I can only hope and pray that I’ll be able to move on soon.😢💔🙏
What has helped me, is looking at my actions and my past experiences. "What did I do that got me into this situation ". It's hard to examine yourself and to admit the role you played. And to mature into how to handle future relationships because it's easy to fall back on how you've always acted. In other words, I'm being very choosy as to who I let into my life.
I didn't phrase it that way, but it helps to remind yourself of the emptiness you feel when that person is no longer present. You will easily turn down any requests to meet up with that person again.
Matt is definitely helping me heal. However, I don't hear enough from him about work, dedication and commitment to making a relationship work and thrive with new perspectives and approaches. LEAVING and learning to LEAVE is the prominent message. Correct me if I'm wrong. Please.
This is brilliant, thank you for this. I would have described it as I was under his spell, I did not realise I was addicted to him! It's been 3 years of being used, and feeling like I am on a scary, slippery downhill fall that I couldn't understand. I'd done so well at avoiding bad situations till I met him. I don't reach out to him, I'd got to the point where I don't do that, but I find it difficult to ignore him when he texts. I think this video has finally given me the insight I've been searching for. I didn't realise how badly he has been affecting me and I feel strong enough now to say no to seeing him again. Thank you 🤗🥰
Today I’m 4 weeks NC and upon reflection, this is everything I needed to hear to keep me on my path of healing. Your words are motivation that reinforces why I needed to choose myself in the end. Thank you, Matthew.
Great advice! Thats what I'm dealing with since 3 years i a neverending cicle of hot and cold. My teenage dauther ask me a very good question that hits me so good: Is the high worth the low. Its all about selfworth and self trust.
Just started watching his videos tonight and my god he is describing EXACTLY what I’m going through and feeling and telling me exactly what I need to do and I know i need to do it. Rarely I see videos like this that speak to me like this. He makes me feel like I can do it and makes me feel like I can get better. Thank you Matthew.
Hey Matthew, I just have to thank you for these valuable contributions that you continuously bring to UA-cam. The last year has not been an easy one for me. My ex and I broke up this year and there were times in my life where I was very emotionally dependent on him. You picked me up so much in the time after the breakup and even now, more than half a year later, you are still helping me with your content. I am so grateful for your work! Thank you!
This is even worse when you’re An anxious attacher talking to an avoidant person. So addictive. Intermittent attention is more addictive than constant attention. It’s been proven in mice
Spot on, especially when you’re involved with someone in active alcohol addiction. It’s tough to detach because you feel like you’re abandoning them. But staying means you’re abandoning yourself. It does feel like an addiction - maybe not to the person, but the situation. But what you said in this video does apply.
This is excellent. I did these steps intuitively and am free. This IS the exact process, this IS the way to understand it. It’s an addiction and not a relationship. My total focus to free myself was seeing his treatment of me got worse can and worse so I was totally motivated to free myself before something even worse happened that would torment and emotionally cripple me. Seeing him leave me for another woman for example. Worse will come.
One thing we learn from these situations and people is that once the signs are there we should say NO. No more accepting breadcrumbs even if the breadcrumbs feel amazing. 1st time we didn’t know how to act but 2nd time will be stupidity to go through the same again and we must act straightaway
Exactly this! I just went through this (my first time with someone who came after me and then I found out the situation I was actually in later. To be fair, he was lying to himself about our compatibility as much as he was to me). I beat myself up for it, but as you said, I hadn't encountered it before and didn't know how to act, and hindsight is 20/20. Now, I do, and need to mark the behaviors so as to ensure it doesn't happen again, or become a pattern.
Thanks for this tough love. It's clear and unambiguous. I appreciate your work, Matthew. I especially like that it's not geared toward telling women how to manipulate a man into giving them attention. This message is far more important and real. Thank you.
Thank you very much Matt. I have listened to 100 of therapy break up coaches and this one helped me so much to resonate exactly what needs to be done and why. Plus the other one where all the things I wasn't and ever going to get I can and hopefully will in the future. Remember it is always important that there is someone out there who can fit every single one of your needs. And I'm the one that got dumped. Thank you so much and God bless you
This is probably the most helpful video I’ve seen or advice I’ve received for my feelings/feeling attached to this person I was with. Thank you, Matthew for your compassion and empathy for what people are experiencing 🙏
Thankyou Matthew, first time I saw you was from a reel clip about 4 level of important, then i watched this video. The first girl I felt in love, broke up with me a year a ago and it took me nearly a year to overcome it (at least that is what I thought). When i watched this video, I have to write it down the things fit to my circumstance, then I relied that I was not fully move on. I have to think more deeply and solve the problem step to step, even it is hurt my heart so much when i do it. Once again, thankyou for the valuable knowledge you giving away to everyone around the word said from the bottom of the heart of a 21 years old teenager
I love that Matthew isn't reading from a script and his videos he's looking at the camera it's like he just knows the stuff by heart cuz he just needs smart. Other people are looking at a script or something they keep looking down at something and it just drives me crazy I can't follow them I don't trust them.
@@BearyBear24 It is a good script then! It resonates. It is good that people prepare for speeches, especially when the speaches are good and thought-out.
This was a powerful message!!! So on point for where I’m at. I started treating it like an addiction in regards to the withdrawal I was having. To hear you say it was mind blowing. I celebrated 30 days of no contact today. And it is sooo damn hard but you are right! So I will keep trying to stay strong 💪🏽
I had ended things very early with people who from the start I thought were going to bring me in a situationship. I am very proud of that. But before that I had wasted 6 months pursuing someone who clearly treated me like a placeholder. I am still angry and resentful about that to me this day.
@@lorireed8046 I feel sorry for you. 10 years from situationship to forced relationship (as in, it didn't go natural at all and feel like he's doing it to prevent me from leaving instead that he really wants it). Now I am breaking up with him. Sending love!
Getting out of my comfort zone this year! The idea of doing activities I love at a different place? I have been gravitating toward this and already made plans for new yoga/Pilates classes in another city (1 hr away but hey…) Yes it’s so EASY to accept our shrinking world but it is getting SO boring. Thanks so much, Matthew, for yet another encouraging video! Opening my mind, my eyes, my heart this year!!
Absolutely brilliant, and perfect timing for me. I knew my situation was exactly as you described, but I'm only 2 months in. 100% it's an addiction; they echo the pattern of your abuser. The grief & abandonment that comes up is the grief of a 3 year old girl. Do I need to keep doing this to myself? Hell no, he's served his purpose. I know I'm worth more, and I deserve better. Last time, it was 9 years. This time 2 months. I'm making progress 🎉
Wow, your comment really helped me. I am breaking up from 10 years of addiction. Maybe the first person I will be with after this won't be the one that might give me the love that I am looking for, and I need to crash some more times, but it will get easier, that's what I learn from your message!
@MissMichele1993 just be gentle with yourself and trust your instincts. Even as my situation was unfolding, I knew he wasn't good for me, but the child wants what it wants. I had to allow my child self to through a few emotional highs and lows with a full awareness that I was finally allowing myself to process my childhood abandonment - without ever abandoning myself. I feel stronger with my boundaries every day, and I'm so grateful for that.
Matthew, this is a revolutionary concept for me. It precisely defines a relationship I had for many years, that I'm not exiting from, Thank you so much, from my heart. God bless you!
Matthew you have helped me so much over these last few years. I have been caught up in a situation with an alcoholic guy who keeps reaching out to me whenever his girlfriend leaves him, tired of his relapses. And even though I know he doesn’t care about me, that I’m his backup girl, I’m still having a hard time not picking up when he calls. I don’t meet him anymore, which is progress, but I still pick up when he calls, and I can’t bring myself to block him. What you said in this video is so incredibly powerful. You’re right. He’s addicted to alcohol and im addicted to him. That’s exactly how it feels. And I smiled when you described creating a new identity for yourself, one that respects themselves, stepping into my power. I look forward to trying out this new way of thinking about myself and pushing him off of this undeserved pedestal I put him on. He’s really bad for me.
Hello my friend, I wish we could have coffee once a week. I love a man who is also an alcoholic. His ex finally left him because he wouldn’t commit. Perhaps I have inherited him. When we are good, I feel so seen and so loved. But I’m obsessed with him and I rarely even get to see him. I am not emotionally available because I’m addicted to the idea of him when he is at his best. But the real him is there 90 percent of the time. Not the man I love, but his crappy, sh*tty asshole self. He is not robbing me. I am robbing myself. I am trying to leave him alone. I’m his option even though I’m his only woman. Being with this person is loneliness and self destroying.
Mattew you have become a Guru of relationships. Thank you for sharing this to help women. There are a large number of successful men who have decided to live and do situationships.
Omg that’s just where I’m at, writing this 20 seconds into the video. I was just about to msg him. Still craving for him, while he’s meeting others and calling me when others are not available…. 4 years into a painful situationshp I can’t get out of it 😢
thank you matthew for hard truths that need to be heard!! never thought of how staying in a bad relationship/situationship is actually an addiction but wow, that is 100% accurate and really changes my way of seeing things
Thank you for this! I was about to send a message to someone who discarded me a few months ago. I almost stepped into the place that would bring me more pain. Thank you.
You and Audrey... thank you so much for being a light and for always helping me and so many others. ❤ every time I'm falling back into that hole of the person, your videos help snap me back to the glory of myself, my worth, who I am, and who I am becoming.
This is so true and I have been moving on and it gets better. It’s been almost a year and Xmas came and was hard. But then I reran the tape. Oh that’s right. We never got together at Christmas time so there is nothing to miss!
Valuable coaching. This helped me get over a recent rejection MUCH more quickly and healthily than in the past. It's a lot harder to take rejection personally when you think about it from Matthew's perspective. I also like this format of coaching - because I think if I was one-on-one with Matthew (or any coach/therapist/mentor) I might feel defensive and called out, but I can easily take in this info knowing it's not a criticism of ME.
Wish I had seen this video years ago. I've been in an on/off relationship for the last 8 years. Told me how much he loved me but never really showed it in his actions and acted like a single man most of the time and when we weren't together. I've recently found out that he has moved on with someone much younger and who I suspect he was seeing while we were still together. I feel like I've been robbed of years of my life, thinking that he would change and things would get better. Matthew is right, value your time as you will never get it back. If something isn't right, either work to fix things or move on, don't listen to their words but instead their actions.
His name is…The Zombie Ghoster from Hell! Completely accurate for over 3 decades! Wouldn’t ever give him the time of day now…Clarity is soooo empowering and self loving!! You’re awesome Matthew! 🙏💯😉✌️
I love how even your voice is so healing 🙏 Thankyou for your valuable advice. So like the lady you spoke about, I had a habit of sleeping with a guy on a first date. It always made me feel worthless and weak actually. It seemed to be a pattern. The last time I did it, I cut it off with the guy. I had no real connection with him and it felt so empty and this was just a reflection of me inside. So I messaged him and told him that I need to heal. He was absolutely fine but I was so glad I was honest and now I have decided to refrain from any physicalities and dating until I fix these unresolved issues inside of me. No matter how uncomfortable it becomes, I will fight all these demons and I know it will be the most healthy and beneficial decision I have made.
Hi Mathew, I thought I'd say hi from London! :) I stopped to hear this video to check that I did the right things - and I did all of them!! 😊 I wasted 6 years on a relationship which involved 5 rounds of the narcissistic cycles! Yes - discarded 5 times!! I have just rejected the recent hoover and said not to contact me again. He then tried sending something to my address, which I threw in the rubbish. I am a new identity and new person. I thank you for all the videos I watched during the breakup in 2023/2024 which helped me so much when going through the breakup 🙏
Every single point touched my heart. It felt like this video was made specially for me on demand. It's day 2 after she told me that she doesn't have any feelings for me. I was addicted to her for 12 years. 12 f**cking years I wasted of my life in a delusion. But I respect her for kindly telling me that I've stuck myself and needed to let go. It's a feeling now that I'd never experienced. I'm getting episodes and feel like shit but my motivation is piling up too. And honestly, I feel a lot relieved because I can finally be the person I want to be. And we also need to realise that it's us who do this to ourselves. Nobody is to blame here. She was an addiction yeah. It takes time to overcome addiction but it's definitely worth it.
What a brilliant video! I’m in exactly this situation but I’ve known deep down I need to let him go. This advice has cemented that so thank you . Wish me luck!
Came across this today after I finally let him go after off and on for many years. I knew the long term ongoing pain of being in it out-weighed cutting it clean and dealing with the shorter term pain of getting over it. Very much like an addiction. I equate quitting him to quitting alcohol. It was damaging to me the more I imbibed of something quite toxic. The highs were fun but the lows were brutal. He was my drug of choice but the whole dynamic was slowly killing my soul. I’m incredibly sad but I know I’ll feel better after three days, three weeks, three months.
This resonates with what I have been dealing with for 10 yrs. I have been addicted to the feelings I have with but,he always disappoints me and doesn't value me. Makes plans then acts like he never did. He won't let go everytime I tell him to stop reaching out because nothing changes. Then I try again and the same thing happens. I am anxious and disappointed over and over again and he takes no accountability. I have blocked him from my phone and what you said will help me get stronger and not unblock to see if he changed. Thank you!
This is such great advice. I've been hung up on a breakup that happened 5 months ago from a relationship that only lasted 5 months. She completely wasn't ready for a healthy relationship, and at this point I've wasted almost a year pouring effort into trying to make things work with this person. If I had just ended things with her 3 weeks into talking to her when the red flads starting popping up like I had the original impulse to do, I would have saved a year and possibly met real relationship material by now. So I love Matt's advice to look at the costs, it's real wake up call for all the time I've wasted chasing after this person.
This is so unbelievably accurate. Addiction is truly what it is!!!!. I love that you recognise this and provide advice.... we dont want to stay stuck in this place but literally dont know how to get out. Its a default!!. Like addiction, i fight this fight daily. Thank-you....I shall listen to this over and over until something sticks ❤
Holy shit man, the "situationship" explanation is exactly how my last relationship was. When we were together it was awesome, but when we were apart, she had an attitude of still being single, she didn't prioritize me.
I let go of a relationship a month ago but I still miss them so much and I can't help but question if I'll ever find a connection that felt so deep and unique on every level, physical, spiritual and intellectual 😢 EDIT: And all that Matthew says is true, but it doesn't diminish the tremendous sense of loss and grief that I still feel, almost everyday.
Since we're referring to the relationship as an addiction here, you're experiencing substance withdrawal. So the way you feel right now is expected and desired to heal and detox. It sucks, it hurts, it's going to for quite some time, but once you get through it, you'll be able to look at everything from a healthier perspective. Just remember that you did let go for a reason. Wishing you a speedy recovery ♥
@@lorireed8046 The connection was short (just under 3 months) but wildly intense. I thought that after a month of no contact I'll be half-healed but I am still so hung up on him :(
@@anastazjamalczyk7683 Sorry! I don't understand that amount of a connection within a few months . I guess I just don't allow people to get that close to me .
Thank you Matthew, these last few videos have reinforced that I need a break from dating. Whether that be continuing to heal from the emotional wounds or taking my time to focus on my community and my hobbies that will make me joyful. My person might still be out there but I am no longer actively going to seek it out. If the timing is right it’ll feel right and that’ll make the wait worth it 😊
oh my goodness this is exactly what I have been through and trying to get through the last 6yrs of my life. I think I am finally done with this guy and seeing this video has helped me so much with my decision to stand up for myself and finally walk away. Thank you Matthew!!!
Matthew, you have no idea how helpful this video is for me and how much I needed to hear ALL of this in this very moment. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart
I’m currently going through a rough breakup and felt like I loved them and have been in so much pain that’s kinda made me a bit self destructive but day by day we are getting there, I made mistakes and I’ve acknowledged what I did wrong and wasn’t present enough but still doesn’t mean I don’t deeply miss this person. I think the pain comes from yes I wasn’t in the best headspace but I’ve gotten better now and realised I didn’t show the real me to that person like I feel I’d be able to now. But with the people out there who are going through it we will all get their one day 💙
He is on point. I was in a situationship for almost a decade. He would bounce back and forth between me and his ex girlfriend and other women. I was the arm chair psychologist and the fallback girl. I finally broke free in 2020 but wasted so many years of stress, drama, heartache. It was a learning lesson and I did get a great counselor. I learned to create boundaries. I am going to be 57 and WISH I had learned all this in my 20's. (he ended up marrying another woman and I dodged a bullet so I came out the winner)
I was addicted to a person almost for 9 and a half years. The very early stage of our relationship was unbeliavable. Then , after spending two weeks of summer holiday I was real him: moody, cranky, unable to unwind, always on the go. Unable to fall asleep. I stayed another 9 years which brought me pain, anxiety and huge heartache. Then he left me to marry a much younger girl. And guess what, now he is divorced and keeps blaming his wife. Now he is lonely, and a bit ill..on the meantime I have found someone truly lovely, caring.
I LOVE how you are calling it out as addiction because that’s exactly what it is.
to loverboys cokc?
@ what?
@@cleaninggirl-2000 you know exactly what i said
Unless the person is autistic and feels emotions at a deeper level and needs way more work to let go.
Yes, addicted 😢
Disconnect fully, never look at their media, and let time do its work . Meditation helps
What if you're obliged to see them everyday? Someone your work with our go to uni with 😢.
I think that is one of the best helps and the hardest to achive no stalking if you can control it by the 6 week you are in a real stage of healing little by little
@ for sure so hard especially when it’s so easy to check.
@@LennethValkyrieI’m dealing with that too 🥲 I work outside at the airport with him but I’m about to avoid him for the most part
10 years, on and off again. Picked someone else, just up and went like it was all for nothing 🥺 Run like your life depends on it. Please. Nursing this heartache is no joke.
You dodged a bullet. I hope you blocked him on social media and phone. Mine had been moving in with a woman and was still trying to get with me. I told him NOPE! I'm done. Did it sting? Yeah, but he had made me cry and hurt so much over the previous 10 years and had treated me like trash, I was fully done. I deserve better and so do you. Work on yourself now. *Hugs*
@@oldsmokeycat smh he’s back claiming to have saw the light. You can’t make this stuff up. Had to block at that point. They will play with you as long as you let them.
Does he happen to live in Houston, Tx lol? Men I tell ya!!!
it doesn’t seem to matter how many times i hear this advice, i just can’t seem to even want to take it
Same here
And that's ok. Don't let anyone tell who to be. Like horgath tells the iron giant. "You are who you choose to be"
Go for therapy and address the separation wound you have. Also consider getting assessment for neurodivergence eg ADHD and autism. Untreated anxiety can also evolve into OCD and obsessive behaviour and a love interest can become the focus of that obsession. There are way way more conplex things at play, that cannot be just reduced to 'stop talking to him and you'll be okay'.
I realised that my ADHD was a key reason for my hang ups and obsessions. Knowing this helped me a lot, I can now safely disengage with the full awareness that if that person pops into my head again it is just a nerve pathway that my brain created, and it means absolutely nothing, and I can let that thought go without tension and distress.
It's not easy. I haven't been able to accomplish it yet
From self experience. It is like Matthew told like addiction. As harsh as it sounds you haven't had your breaking point. Maybe never will or the other person will cut you off. That happened to me. Worst and best thing ever happened to me. Today I'm happy married but only therapy and self awareness saved me as well as Matthew advises... It's never too late.
The timing of this video is ON POINT with my life currently. I just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant and the man I am with (for more than 3 years) said he doesn't love me enough to have a family with me and he would never speak to me again if I give birth to this child. Made me realize he was never actually commited nor he was ever planning to be - he was just giving me enough to keep me there cause he was scared to be alone and I blindly went with it. Matthew, I needed to hear this so desperately, thank you. I'm done giving my all to leeches.
@@emkabrate big hugs, be strong beautiful woman
Hugs 🫂 to you @emkabrate! You deserve better! ❤️🩹
Girl, I’ve been there, this is an unimaginable heartbreak!But you WILL get through it and looking back will be very grateful you didn’t end up with him 🙏🏼 I PROMISE you that!!!
Hugs to you! Hang in there, pain will pass... ❤
I’m so sorry you had to experience the pain of realization that the person you loved wasn’t capable of being a man of his word and reciprocal or respectful of you, if the pain of this man’s memory will make it too difficult to raise this child, please consider adoption. Sending hugs and loving strength energy your way!
Boy do I resonate with this. Trying to just cut off ties with someone who was your best friend, comfort person, support person is so bloody hard. It’s like a part of your heart & soul is just gone and you feel heartbroken, sad and lonely but I know deep down I have to feel the pain to heal it even though I still don’t want to let them go. 😢
I thought I had moved on, and every time I let her back in, even a little bit, the high drags me back in. It's repeated grief of unfathomable pain. One day I will learn.
@MrSamIAm39 man it's hard same boat I'm in really hard
Goin through this right now. Best of luck to you!!
Hope you feeling better ❤️
@ thank you, I’m still working on it but getting better thank you
„…to see the situation less through the lens of romance, and much more through the lens of addiction…“
Sometimes the best love life advice is just to point out what is NOT love. Thank you Matthew❤
I did the brave thing, told him to not text me and he did! I hooked up with him again and like you said, it was the same thing all over again. The empty feeling after. I finally told him I’m cutting you off and I’m blocking you since you always text me when I say not to. Started thinking about him today after a month and half. Thought about reaching out but like Mathew said, you have to let those feelings pass and it’s very hard but we are strong and could do it!
You got this girl!! Stay strong, choose yourself ♥️
@ thank you! You too
im in that situation, i had to do it
@ do it girl!
Love this perspective 10 years of experience and absolute nothing in return many times I've 🚫 for him to txt only mere words which ac ount for nothing!
I had never thought about it that way, but it totally makes sense. We get addicted to the attention they give us, to the dopamine hit when they message, or when we see them and it's all like the honey-moon phase at the start of a relationship, as you don't see each other that much, so you only get the nice dates, intimacy etc. Not the real connection, the difficult moments, the compromise etc you get in a real relationship.
Exactly! Trying to see it from the opposite perspective! Not just the “rose colored glasses” that are worn during this stuff…
I was addicted to my abusive lover, but it became too painful to be connected to him. I had to leave and let go. I had no other choice. I'm in nine months of absolute no contact now. There is calm and peace of mind. Yes, it does feel boring but it is empowering too. Last week I bumped into him and his new wife, I couldn't sleep that night. But nothing after that. It has gotten better with time. I'm focusing on myself, the new me, on improving my skills and financial stability, it has made me more confident. Cheers! Better days are coming!
Wish I had no child with them :)
same here dealing painful I need a hug.
🤗💗
What really helps me is to give those guys nicknames when I think about them, which reflect the true situation. It is very effective in order to reduce the feeling of attraction and excitement. For instance, I met a guy who was not investing in me so I called him "Mister Boring" in my head. When I received a text from him for instance I told myself " Oh, Mister Boring has just texted me" or when I saw him in the streets I told myself " Oh, here comes Mister Boring". It is a funny way to help not beeing carried away by someone who does not deserve it.
I call him the zombie ghoster from hell!! Lol…nice that you think this way too!! Good not to be alone in “recovery “ 😆😉💕✌️
Woah. I think imma use this. Massive thank you for this tip. Love ya girl
Spanky Amy and sleazy Kevin were the first time I started naming to create distance. I can't bring myself to give my lover a name though. I will always love her but I broke away because as she is... She ain't good for the men in her life.
@ i love how u r loving her yet knowing her true self 😂😂😂 my kid is good but aint good at any shit to earn money.
Dangerous Don 💔
i now find beauty in the waves of pain, how beautiful it is to be alive and get to grow and learn. to know that our pain is here to teach us and show us how to love ourselves and others. life would be utterly boring and meaningless if we were always happy, we're all warriors of life. feeling the pain and loss is all part of the journey and shows that we're brave enough to continue on living and showing up despite how difficult it may be.
Absolutely love this perspective. Breakups really can make you appreciate the beauty and brevity of life.
That's beautiful!
"Play the tape forward" ... brilliant and noted! Thank you.
Yes! In other words resist the urge to do something that you know you’ll regret later.
That's great advice
“It feels too good when it’s good” 🙌🏻 exactly. EXACTLY
For anyone readig this who watched the video. A lot of what MH was talking about overlaps with limerance and limerant objects. It's an addiction and those with childhoold or complex PTSD are especially susceptible to it. All the best everyone. I went through what he talked about in the video and it truly was an addiciton and it took me to the lowest of lows when I had to go through "withdrawal"
Yesss! The withdrawal from the relationship/situationship/FWB’s is the absolute worst! I’m out of my relationship for 3 weeks now , but the first 2-3 days was unreal! I could cry at a “drop of a dime” and I constantly would think about him…I’m seeing the arrangement we had very differently now that I have some distance from it…the shocking part for me is that it hit me this hard! I still think about him everyday but it’s easier than it was 3 weeks ago…I’m learning to accept that it wasn’t a healthy relationship for me…(FWB’s) sigh…❤️🩹😩😔😢
🤗 good for you getting through it! And seeing it for what it is. Give yourself the love and the life you deserve 💝
Ended a year long relationship this week… never before had I felt so many doubts and so much insecurity in a) the validity of my feelings and b) the reciprocation of my feelings. Sometimes, I would just randomly cry thinking about this. Like many people said in the comments, when it’s good it’s REALLY good. It’s pure breadcrumbing. It’s DRAINING. But the never ending cycle of confusion is just NOT worth it. Don’t ever let someone gaslight you for standing up to the fact that you are not receiving the love you are giving.
Hope you feeling better !
bawling my eyes out at the part of "how these situations play out" because this is exactly how i've been feeling these past few months. I can't seem to let this person go because "when it's good, it's too good". Seeing this as an addiction definitely helps, i really can't keep trying to fit him into the "love of my life" role, because my person wouldn't treat me this way. Your videos are helping me a lot, Matthew, this is definitely one of the hardest experiences of my life.
I've watched a lot of videos about letting someone go, and this one blows the rest of them out of the water. It actually makes sense and helps, whereas the others are so generic (get a hobby, take a walk in nature, etc)
I hate these videos. It's so on point and speaks right to me. It's exactly what I need to do and I know it. The truth hurts and it's difficult but it's absolutely what needs to happen. I'll rewatch this everyday for as long as I need to help me and become stronger.
I watch it for the second time. And will rewatch it many more times.
This is honestly one of the best videos I've ever seen on not only this subject, but many other subjects. I'm sure it's been said before, but it felt like you were talking direct to me. Thank you for it Matthew.
I wish I could leave more than 1 like on this. Just one video and I'm on my feet again. Got rejected after 12 years of liking someone one-sidedly. What a beautiful video!
Finding a sponsor - I have an alternate number to which I used to send texts everytime post breakup my mind screamed that i needed to text him. I used to feel mad at him for what he did and wished i could tell him in person. I instead sent those texts to my own other number to get the frustration out. It helped. 😅
Typical
Thank you Matthew for this video. It's been 3 months since my relationship with my situationship ended due to my obsession coupled with my anxiety. Now that she has had a new one within 2 weeks, the person she told me not to worry about. I am learning day by day that it is important to have standards and appreciate/love yourself and never change yourself for another person. The only thing standing in the way now is that we have the same social circle and we will see each other on New Year's Eve, but even then I will just be myself and try not to intimidate myself.
Good for you but you can always do something outside the group for new year’s. It’s important to develop new friendships outside your born in order to evolve and grow
❤ going through the same thing but I am okay...... if you actually sit with the actual situation and view it as it is ..no more through hope or rose tinted glasses..you can easily move on
love video, just cant believe my wife left me after 18 years, she just left me. she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. Ive tried everything possible to get her back, but nothing seems to work and I cant stop thinking about her Im frustrated I dont see my life with anyone else. Ive done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I cant I dont know why I'm saying this here, I really miss her and just cant stop thinking about her
I'm really sorry to hear that. I went through something similar not too long ago. My girlfriend and I broke up and I felt completely lost. I tried everything, but it just seemed hopeless. Well I ended up reaching out to this incredible spiritual adviser. He helped me in ways I never thought possible. After working with him my girlfriend came back to me and now we are happier than ever really.?
A spiritual adviser, that sounds interesting. What did you do? How can I get in contact with him.?
His name is Father Tosin Ayodele , and He's a great spiritual adviser who can bring back your ex.
Thank you so much! I just searched his name, and I found him, the reviews look amazing, and I m feeling hopeful now. I really believe I can get him back. I'm so happy to have found this.
Absolutely, addiction - not romance
My boyfriend of over a year ended our relationship through a text message the day after Christmas. We’re in a long-distance relationship and had just spent the holidays together last month. I’m still overwhelmed by the pain and heartbreak. I couldn’t even bring myself to respond-I had no words. I can only hope and pray that I’ll be able to move on soon.😢💔🙏
Horrible timing. I’m sorry you had to go through this. My partner broke up with me two days before.
@@tinainthehousetoo2510it hurts… but we will get through this..
Mine admitted to cheating yesterday morning. He vsn kick rocks! @@Pattie2579
@@tinainthehousetoo2510 its worst feeling but i decided to just let go and don’t reply to him.. silence is power even though it hurts
Had this happen during my birthday.
What has helped me, is looking at my actions and my past experiences. "What did I do that got me into this situation ". It's hard to examine yourself and to admit the role you played. And to mature into how to handle future relationships because it's easy to fall back on how you've always acted. In other words, I'm being very choosy as to who I let into my life.
“Play the tape forward!” Is probably one of the best advice I’ve heard! Thanks for sharing this.
I didn't phrase it that way, but it helps to remind yourself of the emptiness you feel when that person is no longer present. You will easily turn down any requests to meet up with that person again.
Exactly...stand up for yourself in life.
Matt is definitely helping me heal. However, I don't hear enough from him about work, dedication and commitment to making a relationship work and thrive with new perspectives and approaches. LEAVING and learning to LEAVE is the prominent message. Correct me if I'm wrong. Please.
This is brilliant, thank you for this. I would have described it as I was under his spell, I did not realise I was addicted to him! It's been 3 years of being used, and feeling like I am on a scary, slippery downhill fall that I couldn't understand. I'd done so well at avoiding bad situations till I met him. I don't reach out to him, I'd got to the point where I don't do that, but I find it difficult to ignore him when he texts. I think this video has finally given me the insight I've been searching for. I didn't realise how badly he has been affecting me and I feel strong enough now to say no to seeing him again. Thank you 🤗🥰
I love this man. He's saved me multiple times. Thank you, Matthew. All the blessings in this world and the next to you ♥️
Today I’m 4 weeks NC and upon reflection, this is everything I needed to hear to keep me on my path of healing. Your words are motivation that reinforces why I needed to choose myself in the end. Thank you, Matthew.
Great advice! Thats what I'm dealing with since 3 years i a neverending cicle of hot and cold. My teenage dauther ask me a very good question that hits me so good:
Is the high worth the low.
Its all about selfworth and self trust.
Needed to hear this. Let it go! Especially when hearing from the other person leaves you drained. I cant get that year back. But only looking forward
At least vit was a year and not 28 years of lies and trauma bonding .
Just started watching his videos tonight and my god he is describing EXACTLY what I’m going through and feeling and telling me exactly what I need to do and I know i need to do it. Rarely I see videos like this that speak to me like this. He makes me feel like I can do it and makes me feel like I can get better. Thank you Matthew.
Hey Matthew, I just have to thank you for these valuable contributions that you continuously bring to UA-cam. The last year has not been an easy one for me. My ex and I broke up this year and there were times in my life where I was very emotionally dependent on him. You picked me up so much in the time after the breakup and even now, more than half a year later, you are still helping me with your content. I am so grateful for your work! Thank you!
This is even worse when you’re An anxious attacher talking to an avoidant person. So addictive. Intermittent attention is more addictive than constant attention. It’s been proven in mice
Spot on, especially when you’re involved with someone in active alcohol addiction. It’s tough to detach because you feel like you’re abandoning them. But staying means you’re abandoning yourself. It does feel like an addiction - maybe not to the person, but the situation. But what you said in this video does apply.
The timing... omg. Thank you. I feel like I know what to do next.
I'll listen to this once a day for the next few days...because it's so good and true! Thank you Matthew.
This is excellent. I did these steps intuitively and am free. This IS the exact process, this IS the way to understand it. It’s an addiction and not a relationship. My total focus to free myself was seeing his treatment of me got worse can and worse so I was totally motivated to free myself before something even worse happened that would torment and emotionally cripple me. Seeing him leave me for another woman for example. Worse will come.
One thing we learn from these situations and people is that once the signs are there we should say NO. No more accepting breadcrumbs even if the breadcrumbs feel amazing. 1st time we didn’t know how to act but 2nd time will be stupidity to go through the same again and we must act straightaway
Exactly this! I just went through this (my first time with someone who came after me and then I found out the situation I was actually in later. To be fair, he was lying to himself about our compatibility as much as he was to me). I beat myself up for it, but as you said, I hadn't encountered it before and didn't know how to act, and hindsight is 20/20. Now, I do, and need to mark the behaviors so as to ensure it doesn't happen again, or become a pattern.
@@christianagunn834exactly . We always learn something ❤
Thanks for this tough love. It's clear and unambiguous. I appreciate your work, Matthew. I especially like that it's not geared toward telling women how to manipulate a man into giving them attention. This message is far more important and real. Thank you.
This was the pep talk I needed to hear, so thank you!
Thank you very much Matt. I have listened to 100 of therapy break up coaches and this one helped me so much to resonate exactly what needs to be done and why. Plus the other one where all the things I wasn't and ever going to get I can and hopefully will in the future. Remember it is always important that there is someone out there who can fit every single one of your needs. And I'm the one that got dumped. Thank you so much and God bless you
This is probably the most helpful video I’ve seen or advice I’ve received for my feelings/feeling attached to this person I was with. Thank you, Matthew for your compassion and empathy for what people are experiencing 🙏
Thankyou Matthew, first time I saw you was from a reel clip about 4 level of important, then i watched this video. The first girl I felt in love, broke up with me a year a ago and it took me nearly a year to overcome it (at least that is what I thought). When i watched this video, I have to write it down the things fit to my circumstance, then I relied that I was not fully move on. I have to think more deeply and solve the problem step to step, even it is hurt my heart so much when i do it. Once again, thankyou for the valuable knowledge you giving away to everyone around the word said from the bottom of the heart of a 21 years old teenager
I love that Matthew isn't reading from a script and his videos he's looking at the camera it's like he just knows the stuff by heart cuz he just needs smart.
Other people are looking at a script or something they keep looking down at something and it just drives me crazy I can't follow them I don't trust them.
He IS using a script. He’s just well practiced. 😊
@@BearyBear24 It is a good script then! It resonates. It is good that people prepare for speeches, especially when the speaches are good and thought-out.
This was a powerful message!!! So on point for where I’m at. I started treating it like an addiction in regards to the withdrawal I was having. To hear you say it was mind blowing. I celebrated 30 days of no contact today. And it is sooo damn hard but you are right! So I will keep trying to stay strong 💪🏽
This is so realistic! This guy has a brilliant mind.
I had ended things very early with people who from the start I thought were going to bring me in a situationship. I am very proud of that. But before that I had wasted 6 months pursuing someone who clearly treated me like a placeholder. I am still angry and resentful about that to me this day.
6 months? Try learning you wasted 28 years in a marriage when you were never loved .
@@lorireed8046 I feel sorry for you. 10 years from situationship to forced relationship (as in, it didn't go natural at all and feel like he's doing it to prevent me from leaving instead that he really wants it). Now I am breaking up with him. Sending love!
Getting out of my comfort zone this year! The idea of doing activities I love at a different place? I have been gravitating toward this and already made plans for new yoga/Pilates classes in another city (1 hr away but hey…) Yes it’s so EASY to accept our shrinking world but it is getting SO boring. Thanks so much, Matthew, for yet another encouraging video! Opening my mind, my eyes, my heart this year!!
Absolutely
Profound. Thank you Matthew. I’m still in solitude, and have that deep deep regret you mentioned.
Dealing with an addiction is so faxxx.
Absolutely brilliant, and perfect timing for me. I knew my situation was exactly as you described, but I'm only 2 months in. 100% it's an addiction; they echo the pattern of your abuser. The grief & abandonment that comes up is the grief of a 3 year old girl. Do I need to keep doing this to myself? Hell no, he's served his purpose. I know I'm worth more, and I deserve better. Last time, it was 9 years. This time 2 months. I'm making progress 🎉
Wow, your comment really helped me. I am breaking up from 10 years of addiction. Maybe the first person I will be with after this won't be the one that might give me the love that I am looking for, and I need to crash some more times, but it will get easier, that's what I learn from your message!
@MissMichele1993 just be gentle with yourself and trust your instincts. Even as my situation was unfolding, I knew he wasn't good for me, but the child wants what it wants. I had to allow my child self to through a few emotional highs and lows with a full awareness that I was finally allowing myself to process my childhood abandonment - without ever abandoning myself. I feel stronger with my boundaries every day, and I'm so grateful for that.
Matthew, this is a revolutionary concept for me. It precisely defines a relationship I had for many years, that I'm not exiting from, Thank you so much, from my heart. God bless you!
Omg, Matthew is like the Dalai Lama of dating advice! Or just life advice in general 😊😁
Matthew you have helped me so much over these last few years. I have been caught up in a situation with an alcoholic guy who keeps reaching out to me whenever his girlfriend leaves him, tired of his relapses. And even though I know he doesn’t care about me, that I’m his backup girl, I’m still having a hard time not picking up when he calls. I don’t meet him anymore, which is progress, but I still pick up when he calls, and I can’t bring myself to block him. What you said in this video is so incredibly powerful. You’re right. He’s addicted to alcohol and im addicted to him. That’s exactly how it feels. And I smiled when you described creating a new identity for yourself, one that respects themselves, stepping into my power. I look forward to trying out this new way of thinking about myself and pushing him off of this undeserved pedestal I put him on. He’s really bad for me.
Hello my friend, I wish we could have coffee once a week. I love a man who is also an alcoholic. His ex finally left him because he wouldn’t commit. Perhaps I have inherited him. When we are good, I feel so seen and so loved. But I’m obsessed with him and I rarely even get to see him. I am not emotionally available because I’m addicted to the idea of him when he is at his best. But the real him is there 90 percent of the time. Not the man I love, but his crappy, sh*tty asshole self. He is not robbing me. I am robbing myself. I am trying to leave him alone. I’m his option even though I’m his only woman. Being with this person is loneliness and self destroying.
Mattew you have become a Guru of relationships. Thank you for sharing this to help women.
There are a large number of successful men who have decided to live and do situationships.
I’m going to watch this on repeat… 🙏❤️
There's not enough pain yet. Maaan. Love it
Omg that’s just where I’m at, writing this 20 seconds into the video. I was just about to msg him. Still craving for him, while he’s meeting others and calling me when others are not available…. 4 years into a painful situationshp I can’t get out of it 😢
im in 3 years deep.... its terrible.. we are a joke to them
thank you matthew for hard truths that need to be heard!! never thought of how staying in a bad relationship/situationship is actually an addiction but wow, that is 100% accurate and really changes my way of seeing things
Wow. This is truly your calling.
Thank you for this! I was about to send a message to someone who discarded me a few months ago. I almost stepped into the place that would bring me more pain.
Thank you.
Valuable video for recovery. Keen to hear more on this topic.
Taking notes and moving on!
It is the best video I have seen this year. So true, so powerful, I needed to hear it today, to finally make an end to my oldself.
You and Audrey... thank you so much for being a light and for always helping me and so many others. ❤ every time I'm falling back into that hole of the person, your videos help snap me back to the glory of myself, my worth, who I am, and who I am becoming.
There can’t be more accurate information than what you share with us! Thank you for that information 💕
This is so true and I have been moving on and it gets better. It’s been almost a year and Xmas came and was hard. But then I reran the tape. Oh that’s right. We never got together at Christmas time so there is nothing to miss!
Pain is inevitable
Valuable coaching. This helped me get over a recent rejection MUCH more quickly and healthily than in the past. It's a lot harder to take rejection personally when you think about it from Matthew's perspective. I also like this format of coaching - because I think if I was one-on-one with Matthew (or any coach/therapist/mentor) I might feel defensive and called out, but I can easily take in this info knowing it's not a criticism of ME.
Wish I had seen this video years ago. I've been in an on/off relationship for the last 8 years. Told me how much he loved me but never really showed it in his actions and acted like a single man most of the time and when we weren't together. I've recently found out that he has moved on with someone much younger and who I suspect he was seeing while we were still together. I feel like I've been robbed of years of my life, thinking that he would change and things would get better.
Matthew is right, value your time as you will never get it back.
If something isn't right, either work to fix things or move on, don't listen to their words but instead their actions.
His name is…The Zombie Ghoster from Hell! Completely accurate for over 3 decades! Wouldn’t ever give him the time of day now…Clarity is soooo empowering and self loving!! You’re awesome Matthew! 🙏💯😉✌️
I love how even your voice is so healing 🙏 Thankyou for your valuable advice.
So like the lady you spoke about, I had a habit of sleeping with a guy on a first date. It always made me feel worthless and weak actually.
It seemed to be a pattern. The last time I did it, I cut it off with the guy. I had no real connection with him and it felt so empty and this was just a reflection of me inside. So I messaged him and told him that I need to heal. He was absolutely fine but I was so glad I was honest and now I have decided to refrain from any physicalities and dating until I fix these unresolved issues inside of me. No matter how uncomfortable it becomes, I will fight all these demons and I know it will be the most healthy and beneficial decision I have made.
Thanks you very much 🙏 I feel lighter and better during my recovery from a betrayed after listening to a few of your videos ❤ 🎉😊
Hi Mathew, I thought I'd say hi from London! :)
I stopped to hear this video to check that I did the right things - and I did all of them!! 😊
I wasted 6 years on a relationship which involved 5 rounds of the narcissistic cycles! Yes - discarded 5 times!! I have just rejected the recent hoover and said not to contact me again. He then tried sending something to my address, which I threw in the rubbish. I am a new identity and new person. I thank you for all the videos I watched during the breakup in 2023/2024 which helped me so much when going through the breakup 🙏
Every single point touched my heart. It felt like this video was made specially for me on demand. It's day 2 after she told me that she doesn't have any feelings for me. I was addicted to her for 12 years. 12 f**cking years I wasted of my life in a delusion. But I respect her for kindly telling me that I've stuck myself and needed to let go. It's a feeling now that I'd never experienced. I'm getting episodes and feel like shit but my motivation is piling up too. And honestly, I feel a lot relieved because I can finally be the person I want to be. And we also need to realise that it's us who do this to ourselves. Nobody is to blame here. She was an addiction yeah. It takes time to overcome addiction but it's definitely worth it.
What a brilliant video! I’m in exactly this situation but I’ve known deep down I need to let him go. This advice has cemented that so thank you . Wish me luck!
New identity. I dont want to waste my energy...who doesn't match what i have to give in a relationship.
Came across this today after I finally let him go after off and on for many years.
I knew the long term ongoing pain of being in it out-weighed cutting it clean and dealing with the shorter term pain of getting over it.
Very much like an addiction. I equate quitting him to quitting alcohol. It was damaging to me the more I imbibed of something quite toxic. The highs were fun but the lows were brutal.
He was my drug of choice but the whole dynamic was slowly killing my soul.
I’m incredibly sad but I know I’ll feel better after three days, three weeks, three months.
This resonates with what I have been dealing with for 10 yrs. I have been addicted to the feelings I have with but,he always disappoints me and doesn't value me. Makes plans then acts like he never did.
He won't let go everytime I tell him to stop reaching out because nothing changes. Then I try again and the same thing happens.
I am anxious and disappointed over and over again and he takes no accountability. I have blocked him from my phone and what you said will help me get stronger and not unblock to see if he changed.
Thank you!
It's dopamine addiction. That's why it's hard
I agree,v
This is such great advice. I've been hung up on a breakup that happened 5 months ago from a relationship that only lasted 5 months. She completely wasn't ready for a healthy relationship, and at this point I've wasted almost a year pouring effort into trying to make things work with this person. If I had just ended things with her 3 weeks into talking to her when the red flads starting popping up like I had the original impulse to do, I would have saved a year and possibly met real relationship material by now. So I love Matt's advice to look at the costs, it's real wake up call for all the time I've wasted chasing after this person.
I really wish it was me you were doing all that for 😢😢I really want someone who is ready for real love
This is so unbelievably accurate. Addiction is truly what it is!!!!.
I love that you recognise this and provide advice.... we dont want to stay stuck in this place but literally dont know how to get out.
Its a default!!.
Like addiction, i fight this fight daily.
Thank-you....I shall listen to this over and over until something sticks ❤
Holy shit man, the "situationship" explanation is exactly how my last relationship was. When we were together it was awesome, but when we were apart, she had an attitude of still being single, she didn't prioritize me.
I let go of a relationship a month ago but I still miss them so much and I can't help but question if I'll ever find a connection that felt so deep and unique on every level, physical, spiritual and intellectual 😢 EDIT: And all that Matthew says is true, but it doesn't diminish the tremendous sense of loss and grief that I still feel, almost everyday.
Since we're referring to the relationship as an addiction here, you're experiencing substance withdrawal. So the way you feel right now is expected and desired to heal and detox. It sucks, it hurts, it's going to for quite some time, but once you get through it, you'll be able to look at everything from a healthier perspective. Just remember that you did let go for a reason. Wishing you a speedy recovery ♥
Just a month ? Girl you have a long way to go . God Sped to you!
@@lorireed8046 The connection was short (just under 3 months) but wildly intense. I thought that after a month of no contact I'll be half-healed but I am still so hung up on him :(
@@anastazjamalczyk7683 Sorry! I don't understand that amount of a connection within a few months . I guess I just don't allow people to get that close to me .
Thank you Matthew, these last few videos have reinforced that I need a break from dating.
Whether that be continuing to heal from the emotional wounds or taking my time to focus on my community and my hobbies that will make me joyful.
My person might still be out there but I am no longer actively going to seek it out. If the timing is right it’ll feel right and that’ll make the wait worth it 😊
oh my goodness this is exactly what I have been through and trying to get through the last 6yrs of my life. I think I am finally done with this guy and seeing this video has helped me so much with my decision to stand up for myself and finally walk away. Thank you Matthew!!!
This is such a great video. I was addicted for 9 years. It cost me my family many friends and even family. Thank you Matthew.
This is such an impactful video for me....thank you.
Having so many thoughts and feelings at the moment
Matthew, you have no idea how helpful this video is for me and how much I needed to hear ALL of this in this very moment. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart
He makes it sound so easy
I’m currently going through a rough breakup and felt like I loved them and have been in so much pain that’s kinda made me a bit self destructive but day by day we are getting there, I made mistakes and I’ve acknowledged what I did wrong and wasn’t present enough but still doesn’t mean I don’t deeply miss this person. I think the pain comes from yes I wasn’t in the best headspace but I’ve gotten better now and realised I didn’t show the real me to that person like I feel I’d be able to now. But with the people out there who are going through it we will all get their one day 💙
It DID happen to me… you’re very right Matt!!! Crazy …
Badly needed this
He is on point. I was in a situationship for almost a decade. He would bounce back and forth between me and his ex girlfriend and other women. I was the arm chair psychologist and the fallback girl. I finally broke free in 2020 but wasted so many years of stress, drama, heartache. It was a learning lesson and I did get a great counselor. I learned to create boundaries. I am going to be 57 and WISH I had learned all this in my 20's. (he ended up marrying another woman and I dodged a bullet so I came out the winner)
I was addicted to a person almost for 9 and a half years. The very early stage of our relationship was unbeliavable. Then , after spending two weeks of summer holiday I was real him: moody, cranky, unable to unwind, always on the go. Unable to fall asleep. I stayed another 9 years which brought me pain, anxiety and huge heartache. Then he left me to marry a much younger girl. And guess what, now he is divorced and keeps blaming his wife. Now he is lonely, and a bit ill..on the meantime I have found someone truly lovely, caring.