An analogy I've always loved is that the emotions related to trauma are trapped in us like school kids inside once a recess bell has rung. We're standing in front of the door, refusing to let them out. When we focus our attention on the physical sensations connected to the emotions (fear may feel like very shallow breaths, tightness or contraction in our muscles; anger may feel hot, or like we want to punch out at something; sadness might feel heavy or compressed) the energy gets to move. As it leaves us, it leaves as pure energy, like kids going out to play on a playground. And we're left with spaciousness inside ourselves and an awareness and understanding of how something we experienced truly landed for us. And once the emotion has moved completely through, it's quiet enough inside ourselves that if our wisdom offers up some guidance about any action we need to take it's quiet enough to actually hear it. When my wisdom speaks to me, it 's with a quiet voice, and it offers up what I call elegant solutions - they cut right to the heart of things, and always work quite effectively. In the absence of this kind of guidance(which is most of the time) I enjoy the newfound peace and spaciousness inside myself, and enjoy having the energy I used to spend keeping those trapped emotions out of view available for more pleasant things.
It belong to us but it is simply wrongly alocated like negative buffor. What is locking us out of our full energetic potential. Check work of John Mace and his Mace energy method.
I had seen three different types of therapists without much headway. I found it exhausting, forcing myself to open up to these people. Then one day I went to an acupuncturist for a lower back issue. He said to me "We all do the best that we can do, at that particular time and that particular place". I went home and thought about that on and off, over the next couple of days. Eventually I was able to come to the conclusion, that if that was the best that my rapist could come up with, well, God help him. I was able to turn my hatred into pity. It made a big difference to me.
Well not best, but he has no respect for others only selfish desires. People are sex objects to him. "Can I F this? Good, I will". Unless he was attempting to punish you. Plenty of guys enjoy a hate F.
Interesting and thank you for sharing. Do you think that it may be because you were caught off guard and you were comfortable with your acupuncturist and not feeling like you were being forced into dealing with the past trauma. So, you were very much open to what was being mentioned for ideas, comments and suggestions? Or were you finally ready, after dealing with the others, to just turn the page and start new? Or was it his comment that changed your outlook? What do you think? Either way, I'm really excited and happy for you. May your growth open many new adventures for you to explore.
I prefer to think of anti human beings as having ruined souls. They failed (or were failed growing up.and then they decide to take it out on society. These predators may look like us but they aren’t because they lack the essential ability to have empathy. So yeah feel sorry because they will never feel love.
He just perpetuated the cycle of abuse. It's how this wretched world operates. If abused, most people abuse somebody else less powerful than them in turn. It's taboo in our society to seem vulnerable (especially among men) and seek empathy, so they share their pain by inflicting it onto others. Our modern societies are built on abuse, not on love.
@@macca777 I’m studying to become an acupuncturist! I’m still torn as to if I’m meant to do it or become a therapist because I want to focus on spiritual/emotional healing holistically. Your story is powerful and inspiring. Do you think it helped emotionally/mentally?
I couldn’t afford therapy. So I started recording myself talking about the experience, then listening to it while using the EFT. I would choose one specific moment and journal on it. The technique has really helped me work through 3 years of physical and mental abuse.
It often took listening to my video multiple times, choosing different things to address. It took time and perseverance but I got to the point it no longer triggers me.
@kymmegascon7805 Such a great comment I just started doing this myself, too. I vlog to/from work bc it's almost 2 hours commuting 5/6 days a week. So much of the effects of being abused by so many is that there is no one I can talk to without risk of further harm. As well, I was also silenced on so many levels. Everyone took their shots , and they all failed because my light still shines. It's amazing to finally to be set free. No longer carrying the trauma internally and grateful for the intuition that I have they couldn't silence. ❤🎉😊
I really hope I can get an answer since this is one month old, but what do you mean with EFT? I really wanna heal without therapy cuz it’s expensive and maybe your way could work for me as well..
Same. Tonglen meditation healed my adoption helped trauma of 32 years. Compassion for my inner rejected baby. Painting it out. mindful meditation. I journal every weekday. I swim every morning. I eat Whole Foods. I do yoga. Emdr. Helped different trauma. Drawing new boundaries so as not to keep doing the same relationships and behaviors.
What do you suggest for a person who’s been exposed to trauma repeatedly and back to back for several years? Where do you even think to begin the healing process? Therapy in the past has made things worse for me.
@scilicougar I'm same, complex trauma. I've found vids(here on UA-cam)/books by Janina Fisher and Arielle Schwartz helpful, also compassion focused therapy. Some find Pete Walker's work helpful. I think it's a matter of trying stuff and seeing what works, or not, for you. Best wishes to you.
This is gold. I've struggled and been burnt by therapy for years, precisely because therapists were either too focused on my past, or in forgiveness, when all I needed was validation. Dr Frank Anderson is everything I've ever wanted and sought for in a therapist, and he sounds like a lovely person as well. His comments about how to engage suicidal people are 💯 I spent the entire video in tears, it appears I still have a lot of healing left to do. Thank you Kyle, and thank you Dr Frank! I want to give you a hug, truth be told. Thank you for everything you do.
I wish I could surgically remove the hurt of betrayal by my father and my Narcissistic ex-husband. I was beaten at age 4. It's been a lifetime of freeze and dissociating to survive. No way do I forgive them .... yet.
💚 you are you, a ray of god’s own light. That part can never be destroyed. It is still there, deeply intact within you snd even if you never, ever feel it, it is there ❤️🩹. You are not alone, others know this suffering too.
What a great video. I went through IFS therapy myself and it was life changing. Frank Anderson's book: Transcending Trauma is probably in my top 5 titles on the subject. I'm so glad that he talked today around the topic of forgiveness. There's so much wisdom here. Importance of witnessing the trauma instead of being overwhelmed by it. Importance of corrective experience. Only then part of us can start to release the trauma. Also the importance of moving on in the present moment. I think he's absolutely right: often therapists focus too much on the past or they avoid addressing it and focus purely on the future/present. When doing IFS I really like the element of self-compassion. So often I was asked (after witnessing part of me expressing it's pain/trauma) one question: "How do YOU feel towards this part of you ?". And this is fundamentally one of the keys to healing. You can't skip that. That's how you build a relationship with your Inner Child ❤ Thank you so much for your wonderful book ("Trauma blocks love and love heals trauma") and I really enjoyed watching this interview. Keep sharing your light with the world Dr Frank ❤
OK, I'm jumping in again! This IS a mini-masterclass! Dr. Frank, you are so eloquent, particularly on forgiveness. I tried to forgive too soon, which was a big mistake. I finally made peace with my mother on my terms, and it took a long , long time. Like you, I believe if we try to 'force' ourselves to forgive too soon, we abandon ourselves and minimize our trauma. My wise therapist from years ago told me, you'll quit being angry with her when you're ready. I do believe that when we are ready, we realize that holding hate, pain, and resentment for too long is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Forgiveness after healing is not only soothing for the soul but what kind of genuineness can you have when your heart still hurts. That is So important and I am so grateful and thankful to have been able to hear this message
it's crazy: kyle and dr. frank feel it and so do all the listeners who have experienced trauma - you can see it in their eyes. thanks for the great and literally healing contribution
Jesus I was in lots of hospitals on tons of medicine for decades. I was horribly abused. And I am now completely healed and set free no meds except I very tiny dose of sleep meds
This is so good!! I've just been badly retraumatised by my local Trauma Clinic (internationally renowned psychoanalytic hub). It's really good to see that there are trauma specialists that do get it.
Oh gosh. ❤️🩹. Find some therapist trained by Dr Janina Fisher. TIST training, much compassIon to you. Psychoanalysis is holding a space that is not helpful and they do not budge. Years ago- there were less treatments and somatic based understandings. Janina Fisher- The Living Legacy of Trauma. UA-cam. Book. Workbook. And lists of TIST trained therapists. I hope you see this message.
@@Andrea-HeIsKing I do ACA. But only the loving parent ones. I prefer not reliving my trauma history, connecting to my difficult feelings and re-parenting myself in a mediative state where love, connection, empathy and compassion can heal even my past
I just discovered this channel 4 days ago and I am already looking through every playlist and soaking up as much information as I can! I made the decision this evening that I am no longer choosing to see my current therapist who is using a psychodynamic approach to help me with my trauma and understand my behavior patterns. I find it destabilizing to rehash old traumatic memories repeatedly. It is harming me more than it is helping at this point. I found this video at the EXACT right time and the points that were made very much resonated with me! Thank you so much to all of you involved in this channel and the effort that is put forth to bring healing! ❤❤
Wow omg literally same! I usually have trouble making decisions but I feel sure about ending it - this therapists lack of feedback is triggering because I’ve been met with so much invalidation, gaslighting, etc in my family.
"Love and connection is what heals trauma". Probably the best and most resonating sentence I have heard on the topic so far. Really far too much focus is given to the mind, rather than healing through the heart. Being with the pain, releasing the stuck energy. Glad I have come across this video with Kyle and Dr. Frank Anderson. Authenticity rules.
Brilliant interview! I, too, am a massive fan of Bessel Von der Kolk and Gabor Mate. In my many years of therapy, I've learned it takes skill and self-trust to find 'the right' therapist (truly trauma-informed). I currently work with a Neuotherapist to re-train my brain. It's a bottom-up, not top-down, process, and very effective for me. When she shows me my brain activity, I can SEE the chronic overactivity and chronic stress responses. As Dr. Anderson explained, many useful approaches can be used simultaneously to help accelerate healing. Thank you, Kyle and Dr. Anderson! P.S. Kyle, would you consider having a guest who discusses the physical consequences of unhealed trauma, such as autoimmune disorders?
Can you please tell me what I would Google to find a Neurotherapist doing what yours does it sounds awesome. Does it have something to do with biofeedback or Nero feedback
OMG, Dr. Anderson has the answer to the residual dysfunction and healing I still need to work through! My progress hit a wall, and I now see how my trauma can give my life purpose. 🙏
I'm reading Dr. Anderson's book now and it is SO sad but also so healing to hear the details of his traumatic upbringing and the similarities to my experiences even though I'm cis straight woman...his personal journey is so inspiring. I can't wait to heal more at age 54. I pray it's not too late to change. When I truly realized that my dad was just a fragile person and a boy who had his own trauma in a family with mental illness, I could accept and forgive him as equals. Now, I need to get fully under my physical and emotional symptoms to let them all go.
Yes you can heal. God healed my trauma. I did for several years go to therapy. I learned alot. No therapist take you through trauma work. The ones who do is lots of money. I started working with God and doing a lot of trauma work.
I have been thru 5 years of therapy with 2 different therapists and still feeling stuck. Thanks for this wonderful interview. Finally a therapist who actually "gets" it because he has been there. I will try some of his techniques. The biggest takeaway - counter loneliness with connection, counter unloveable with love. Praying for healing and compassion for everyone here. ❤
A couple of years back, I was desperately seeking help through therapy. After downloading to the psychologist what I went through, she began her sentence with, "According to what you say..." it was so effing offensive. Why would anyone make up stories of the most horrific intimate partner abuse they went through? From that day, I started working on myself, wading through the sewage of emotional waste, picking up pieces of my damaged soul, examining it, and getting rid of/making changes. Wish this podcast came at that time. Thank you for the very many wonderful insights.
Oh my gosh, this video and Dr Frank’s book, To Be Loved are helping me learn to heal my parts so much!!! I’m 69 years old, been through therapy many times but this is the first time I can say that learning from Dr Frank, his book and my new therapist who does IFS with me have me on the road to healing from my experiences of childhood trauma, physical, emotional and sexual. Thank you Dr Frank, from the bottom to the top of my heart for all you’re doing to help those of us in need of help.❤
I got more out of this 30 minute video then I have from years of therapy. Thank you so much! ❤ What I can apply right now is self-compassion. Because I have destroyed myself after trauma way more than the people who perpetrated the trauma against me. I'm going to exercise being kind to myself. 😊
It’s absolutely feasible since I have done my own self therapy since childhood, and I am now 57. It takes a lot of self reflection, self direction, self growth, self love…self everything… to heal, grow, and morph. This may be new to the modern world since society can’t self direct. It’s not new to life. Being an old soul in the modern world means I am grounded from life principles and perspectives. Experiences have so much value to move and grow forward. The key is to evaluate them while not swirling in their time space. ❤
Have only just realised that , as you mentioned re forgiveness . I have forgiven those I chose to forgive plus myself , but never dealt with the pain , which then was suppressed and just got on with living wearing masks . I have found a truly good psychologist . Rather than looking at the history , which sometimes has to be mentioned , it’s the internal feelings and emotions that need to have to sort of have to have a voice . Very hard to tell someone how I feel as I don’t know myself . Thank you for this great video . Find art therapy a great release of energy .
What you need most is good insight, and perhaps a voice or community to bounce your thoughts off who can support you. And the time to process it all. But yes, I suppose. It really helps if you find the right direction to aim, the right words for what you've been through, and little or no contact with any people who've been doing you harm. Therapy can really speed up healing and help keep you on track. ❤
I cannot forgive my abuser..I'm still very much on the healing journey..been eliminating self loathing long. A lifetime of healing, love ya Kyle, Dr. Ramani & Dr. Frank - appreciate you all very much ❤️🥀
Don’t even think about or entertain any notion of forgiveness, put all your energy into entertaining notions of you having a good day and go with that- like deeply and persistently with and into notions of you having a good day. In time hour good days with increase and stick with that being your priority. Good days are like when you can het into the shower, wash your hair, tidy the kitchen and go about every normal living with a certain level of ease.
Biggest take away before rewatching, compassion. I'm 72. Compassion mostly for others, for myself a fairly recent add on. Pointing out the difficulty with self care as hope for recovery, also fairly new to my recovery path. I can say "working on it" to pacify another’s well intended concern, doing them or me no actual help. I easily revert to their need, not mine. Help to know how to find compassion for myself seems rare, doubly welcome. Affirmation most welcome. PS, Bessel Van dur Kolk started the ball to recovery for many of us. Thank God for those who keep that ball rolling for most of us!
Tons of notes!! Love all of it. Such an addition to these powerful topics🙏 I love teaching different paths of forgiveness and the power of it -never force it on anyone, but to understand there can be a timing is such a beautifully said point of view🎉 And as someone who’s been coaching for 10 years and loves the industry, I have to say I agree there has to be a balance of the past and the future. But as a coach, I also want to show the industry is greatly changing. I am never someone who doesn’t hook and “visit “the past- part of the joy is connecting the dots seeing the themes in the patterns as the observer , because it can bring peace and help people go to another level where those elements could be showing up still in their lives. I just wanted to share not all coaches are pushing hard forward It is much more of a spiraling staircase upward not a straight line. Very excited to get your book thank you for all that you do both of you.🙏🙏
I am done with therapy. When I was severely depressed and anxious one tried to get me to sit there and say “I am a healthy person”. I went to one and said I thought I had PTSD and he said I couldn’t because having your house burn down isn’t enough of a trauma to cause it. I didn’t know I was abused - I thought all kids were treated how I was. I am now sure I have complex PTSD and having your house burn down probably is enough to cause PTSD. Finally, the best therapist I ever had helped me stay married to a covert narcissist 15 years longer than I needed to be. I didn’t need someone to coach me on how to deal with him and his moods. I needed someone to say “girl that is B. S. !!!” Too much time. Too much money. Self help books and UA-cam are a thousand times more helpful
Breaking Free by Beth Moore was very helpful to me with my healing. It is the reason why I continuously practice dealing the way I do now with the things in my current life. You have to take the time to do the work, though. Healing is such liberty. Thanks for sharing this option.
2 1/2 years later I am reliving the experience everyday, as it impacts every facet of my life…and short of stopping working, I cannot get away from the triggers that constantly keep me in a highly anxious and aroused state of mind and body. The grief and loss is overwhelming daily
This is helpful. I’m in a toxic insane family dynamic that is too twisted for words. My youngest daughter is their pawn. I’ve come to radical acceptance and Pretty much left my family to learn their lesson I can’t save everyone I couldn’t save me in that mess. I will work on me so I can continue to strengthen and I’ll be ready to care for my little girl when she finally speaks up. Hopefully my older two will see soon too. I won’t let them ruin me. Children grow up. The alienation from them, is like they died. It’s I get them back then I lose them. Narcissistic divorce never ends court continues until their eighteen. I just won’t play this money game any longer they don’t love them they use them I was used. My words fall on deaf ears they don’t realize their being abused. No court will listen I pray or ask they learn I tried to teach them.
I was sexually abused by my sister’s husband. My sister was 15yrs old when I was born! She was like a mother figured to me! I was 4yrs old when she married! My father was an alcoholic when I was a child! I spend a lot of time with her she was trying to keep me save and I get molested by her husband! My sister and I end up it this situation where we are both traumatized by this man! I get the strength to stand up for My sister and I because she is so broken and depleted by this time.I threaten him he divorces her!! She begs me to keep it a secret what he did to me to protect her 3 small children I agree! The repression destroys my health my immune system attacks my body!! I’m sick! Sister dies from cancer and something happens inside of me! This man is still attending our family holidays even though kids our grown and before she died she tells me she told her children and tells one of my daughters!! So then she passes I don’t know what happened but I lay it bare with my family! I demand he not be allowed at our family functions! I’m just done I decide I matter too! It’s as if her death just released me. When her children told their father that I demanded he not come to family functions He wanted to speak with me to apologize my reaction to that was no I don’t need it! I feel it would do nothing for me! Because once I didn’t need to pretend anymore I could forgive and heal myself! I can’t explain it was such a release!! I had therapy in the past but I couldn’t get to a healthy place until I released the secret I carried and kept from my family!! this is a shorten version their was so much that played out in my family one I opened up! Forgiveness is tricky!!
Im so sorry to hear that. I hope you can find closure and peace in life. What you went through was horrific and you didn't deserve it. It's a strange world that we live in. But you're alive and you have agency, even if so much was taken away from you at different points in your life. You are a free adult now with a louder voice than you've ever had before. You're not the abused child anymore. Hopefully you can let go of that past version of you gently, and then embrace who you are at this moment in time. Give yourself the chance to experience who you are right now and explore who you truly are, without the shackles of the past keeping you trapped
Compassion to you. You are not alone in what happened to you. It was all horrible abuse. You were a very vulnerable little kid and he knew that. None of this was your fault. To have to bear the secret for your sister, that was a huge ask and it was a very complicated situation. His apology now- that I believe would be token behaviour to jeep the wheels of life rolling his way. Just as it sounds like they always have. Well done you. Hold your head high. I hope you ate still young enough and have many years of heath, peace and happiness ahead of you. Happiness to me, it’s about contentment. Blessings to you and your nearest and dearest.
I had a similar thing happen, with a different situation. My father molested my half sister and me. People knew about my half sister and often talked badly about her (very toxic family & mostly this was his side of the family), so I never told anyone because I thought no one would care and I would be outcasted. My Dad died when I was 32 and I just started telling people (I had also been in a very bad relationship for 7 yrs and I just snapped one day) I guess I decided I was done keeping everything in. I don’t think anyone believes me because I never told anyone, but I felt that release you’re talking about in my body. My body could not handle keeping it all in anymore. Unfortunately, I think it hurt my mom so much that happened to me that it affected her health and she died 2 weeks later. Now I have to live with that. Trauma sucks.
@@meverly7834 Telling the truth is not what killed your Mother. Healthy people, even as human and vulnerable, can hear the truth. Years of living with toxic energy, denial, etc -- that is the environment that creates the kind of exhaustion and poor resilience that can eventually cause a 'shock' (of truth or whatever) to ripple through. The problem is not the truth, but the entire lack of healthy environment.... And it may be that your Mother knew the truth somehow all along...and had very complicated feelings/beliefs, etc about it. How brave and on a healing path you are. May this continue...and may you find people who can maturely, sanely, lovingly and soberly be able to handle the truth - and to live lives with integrity, positive possibility, a lack of enmeshment - with caring and real love and respect.
We call this Therapeutic Coaching. Love that this is getting so much exposure to combine both worlds!! The results are immediate and unbelievably impactful when the healing happens and the triggers are dismantled once and for all.
I love Dr. Anderson. Thank u for this, MedCircle. And when I say I love him, it's nothing superficial, I respect him so much and he gives us so much of himself, the love, kindness, the space and knowledge that he shares with us, people all around the world(I'm from Romania, Eastern Europe), it's such a priceless helpful gift. Sending love and appreciation.
The best healing I had for my CPTSD is life itself. Actually, I didn’t know I have trauma. I forgot about it and also the symptoms I had as a child as I progressed in life. After 40yrs of building my own life, family, boundaries from my family of origin, only then I learned about my traumas when it all just surfaced one sunny day. The therapy helped me make some order and give formal names to the things I was experiencing and have a clear A to Z story to explain my path from childhood till now.
@@alexxx4434 it was and still is but much better. I still get visual and auditory flashbacks, dissociation (mainly depersonalisation) or wake up in random place, anxiety (mostly due to relationships triggers) and other symptoms. But it’s nothing like the total mess I was in as a child/teen and behaviour wise, it’s much much better. The is no 100% healing but still….there are some other symptoms but more embarrassing 😳. By the way, you just made a judgemental comment and I don’t recommend doing that or diagnosing other people. There were days in my life that such a comment would make me want to end my life. Today I’m older and wiser to filter out such comments
Sorry if my comment came off harsh. But your premise came off wrong and diminishing to people struggling with CPTSD too. Life generally just doesn't heal CPTSD. You need to first heal CPTSD to begin to live, since it gets you profoundy stuck with everything seem poinless. If you were able to function properly with CPTSD, maybe it was not as severe.
@@alexxx4434 I meant to encourage people and emphasise that in my case, my life journey really made most of the healing even before I realised that I’m dealing with any mental issue. I may be lucky, working on it without realising or. Some combination of both. But it worked for me. I also think that time can heal (being busy with life) and the age makes a difference. I don’t want people to think that CPTSD or any other diagnosis makes you unable to live and get better. Professional help is great but no one is doomed without it. and again, pls don’t try to rank the severity of anyone’s diagnosis. It doesn’t serve the healing
I believe it was Dr. Sam Vaknin who said it best. That part of healing is getting to the point of experiencing the trauma without the reaction to it. To me, I think that is where forgiveness can begin. It can be a fluid non-incidental non-conscious moment of moving on. Or marked by a conscious effort.
As a psychotherapist myself I believe you don't have to forgive. To heal you need to grieve, release, and let go. You can forgive if you want but a lot can't depending on the abuse and abuser. Letting go is plenty enough. ❤❤
Forgiveness is about releasing resentment which is at the same time getting your power and agency back! This is ultimate realization that all our trauma experiences are reflection of collective trauma that we are all part of in this life but not the cause of trauma on ultimately..
thank you very much for the video, it is very rich. I could write many things here that I liked from this video, but I will put this: we cannot stay with other people s pain until we can contain our pain 💗🌻
I never prolonged the agony purposefully I thought to forgive, and though I didn’t have a close relationship with my mom and my adult years, I still loved her. I was hoping at some point she would apologize to me for the way that she treated me in life, but she never did. She was deeply codependent, and my dad was deeply an alcoholic. She didn’t apologize to me, but she never forgot anything that I said that might’ve upset her, as I did stand up to her as I needed to which landed me a lot of trouble most of the time. I just got tired of being beaten on my dad, too psychologically as well couldn’t stand that I would be able to have musical success when he was extremely talented and he was and he could have we all could have but the pride in them was just way too strong and it still is. it still has spilled over to my siblings that I am not allowed to be successful in my calling because that just wouldn’t be fair to them. That’s how they feel.
You live your life and enjoy your talents and engaging with your abilities. Protect yourself, sounds like your family will continue sending misery energy your way, they will never admit to that, it’s probably not in them to. So protect you, shine your light and you can play some music to their souls that is deep compassion.
You can't choose your family, but you can choose how much exposure you have to them. Spend your time with people who empower you and nature your well-being. Love your family from a distance and save your life.
OMG...just stumbled on your podcast. Wow...to both you and your awesome guest. And wow, do I ever need this. I am going to finish tonight's great show, but I have subbed and will definitely be back. Thank you both. ❤ Another Trauma Victim
Love this! Sometimes therapy is not the answer because it was created with a very specific intention. As humans increase their awareness and connectedness they need something that is more heart-based and provides more techniques, tools & strategies to actually help people instead of diagnosing and prescribing. We talk with many therapists who come to us to learn more to add to their skillset and it works wonders to be outside of the box for them. 💛
2:18 Fit. This is crucial for me - last time I tried therapy I was overwhelmed not only by current events, the extra financial burden and trying to work on trauma, but by encountering the therapist, who just wasn't the right fit for me at the time. As a person who needs time ot adjust to other people, this added extra stress on everything that was happening - including losing a job, for example.
I have cptsd, I did a lot of therapy, took meds for my depression, etc, and what helped me tremendously was EMDR and learning to go through the physical, horrible sensations of the flashbacks. I figured thanks to the book the body keeps the score, that if I had a specific flashback, I had to relive the entire episode of that flashback, as accurately as possible and CRY MY EYES OUT. It was a holy remedy (un santo remedio). I had a miscarriage that ended up in me almost dying from a hemorrage, that is one of my most recent traumstic experiences and for me even having my period at first was tough. I had healed a lot from this, but I went to see the last alien movie and that has a scene with a pregnant woman, there is a lot od blood and I saw one second of it and it was massive panic for me. I felt I was in the hospital trying to stand up all soaked in my own blood again. I was physically transported, I was no longer at the cinema. I shut my eyes and I could still hear the woman, so I covered my ears. I felt so desperate, but I had to come back ro reality. I took some deep breaths while doing EMDR, remembering the experience until the emotions went quiet. All whilst seated next to some random lady. I did what I needed to calm down and I went back to watching the movie, it took me about 2 minutes to calm down. I was exhausted afterwards, so I asked my bf (who hadn't noticed my episode) to go grab a coffee and we talked about the experience. That was very healing. The combo of going through the emotion and then having a validating experience is what heals me, I apply it all the time
I can relate to the wounded healer archetype. That's why I went into the world of psychology, helping children in foster care by becoming the person I wished I had when I was a child. I ❤ Dr Rumani. The same principles Dr Anderson is teaching is the same principles I express to the children dealing with trust and abandonment issues. Thanks for this very insightful video!❤
"Being with the feelings.... Not letting them take over. " there is so much to that statement alone. I am starting to get it now, from all the many psychologist online. Bless their hearts ❤ I learned to handle panic attacks in the same way... To let it pass. It is very much the same way. It worked well. With little effort. The panic attacks are still there.. Coming out of severe psychopathic psychological abuse known as DARVO.. I fought way to hard to try to correct him and hoping to save the marriage. A real tragedy of how things unfolded. I am learning radical acceptance.. Learning to accept it happened and move on. God willing.
😀Appreciate the message that healing is possible withOUT therapy! It's true! ❤ *I hope no one takes from this that loving/forgiving your abuser or being in contact with them should be a goal, or that pain always needs to lead to purpose.* Sometimes pain just sucks and abusers keep hurting us, and it's OKAY listen to our OWN wisdom about what works for us or doesn't. In fact, being able to do that is one of the great things about healing! 😃 I'm team "No thanks!" to allowing toxic people in my life anymore and it has made such a difference! 🌈🌿🤓😻😃✨💖
I really needed to hear all of this. Living with cptsd for 90% of my life and just 4 years ago realizing it and starting to heal it. Forgivemess I've learned is ran from compassion. For yourself first and then for others will follow. Not all of them but some and that's ok. Forgiveness does naturally come once you've actually healed. I reallty needed to hear that and thank you both so much. Love and Light
So true! “Visit the past” not relive the past. That was then - this is now - inner child work & reparent self. It is profound healing. It’s an ongoing process, the obstacle is the way. Heal, release, forgiveness of self, empathy for abuser(s) - they haven’t healed. They were most likely abused as well.
This is GOLD! After trying to get help in traditional therapy for over a decade, i found it's not a good fit for me. I know i need to do some deep work (and i need to do it on my own). I need to know how to do this outside the relm om therapy ( too many bad therapist out there). Thank you for shearing your knowledge
AMEN...amen...amen! About people often trying to talk others out of feeling or being honestly expressive about their pain. Wrong approach! I have shared that truth with so many people about that reality. Sometimes it takes a while for them to finally get and accept that...but boy is it true! Love you both...do glad I "stumbled" on this! 😉. Thank you both. Namaste!
Me too. I dumped and completely cut-off toxic friends and family members who were all treating me badly. After the initial shock time from doing that, my life is soooo very very much better; it's happier, safer and enjoyable. Yes my friendship and family group is smaller, and I'm so glad it is. no more wasted time on emotional abusers and emotional vampire's, its so liberating
being in the recovery process for more than 30 years dealing with multiple addictions and complex ptsd. I saw that it would take my own determination and search for the truth to get well.. although I was exposed to the mental health systems in my area.. I saw little to no progress in others as they tried to overcome their pasts. I never made any headway either until I was called to know Jesus Christ. then things just started clicking into place... and he continues to bless me.. protect me.. and show me the way.
Thank you so much for your time, knowledge and compassion to us. A lot of healing points to check, the guidance is critical to me, today. Very grateful to hear these valuable words. 💚
Liked, saved, subscribed and sharing!!! So happy to hear I can heal first before forgiving. Life altering!!!! And “validate “ is one of my favorite words. Thank you!!!
‘Trauma is energy that doesn’t belong to us’… I LOVE that. 😮
An analogy I've always loved is that the emotions related to trauma are trapped in us like school kids inside once a recess bell has rung. We're standing in front of the door, refusing to let them out. When we focus our attention on the physical sensations connected to the emotions (fear may feel like very shallow breaths, tightness or contraction in our muscles; anger may feel hot, or like we want to punch out at something; sadness might feel heavy or compressed) the energy gets to move. As it leaves us, it leaves as pure energy, like kids going out to play on a playground. And we're left with spaciousness inside ourselves and an awareness and understanding of how something we experienced truly landed for us. And once the emotion has moved completely through, it's quiet enough inside ourselves that if our wisdom offers up some guidance about any action we need to take it's quiet enough to actually hear it. When my wisdom speaks to me, it 's with a quiet voice, and it offers up what I call elegant solutions - they cut right to the heart of things, and always work quite effectively. In the absence of this kind of guidance(which is most of the time) I enjoy the newfound peace and spaciousness inside myself, and enjoy having the energy I used to spend keeping those trapped emotions out of view available for more pleasant things.
So true
It belong to us but it is simply wrongly alocated like negative buffor. What is locking us out of our full energetic potential. Check work of John Mace and his Mace energy method.
So cute but so what!!
I had seen three different types of therapists without much headway. I found it exhausting, forcing myself to open up to these people. Then one day I went to an acupuncturist for a lower back issue. He said to me "We all do the best that we can do, at that particular time and that particular place". I went home and thought about that on and off, over the next couple of days. Eventually I was able to come to the conclusion, that if that was the best that my rapist could come up with, well, God help him. I was able to turn my hatred into pity. It made a big difference to me.
Well not best, but he has no respect for others only selfish desires. People are sex objects to him. "Can I F this? Good, I will". Unless he was attempting to punish you. Plenty of guys enjoy a hate F.
Interesting and thank you for sharing. Do you think that it may be because you were caught off guard and you were comfortable with your acupuncturist and not feeling like you were being forced into dealing with the past trauma. So, you were very much open to what was being mentioned for ideas, comments and suggestions? Or were you finally ready, after dealing with the others, to just turn the page and start new? Or was it his comment that changed your outlook? What do you think? Either way, I'm really excited and happy for you. May your growth open many new adventures for you to explore.
I prefer to think of anti human beings as having ruined souls. They failed (or were failed growing up.and then they decide to take it out on society. These predators may look like us but they aren’t because they lack the essential ability to have empathy. So yeah feel sorry because they will never feel love.
He just perpetuated the cycle of abuse. It's how this wretched world operates. If abused, most people abuse somebody else less powerful than them in turn. It's taboo in our society to seem vulnerable (especially among men) and seek empathy, so they share their pain by inflicting it onto others.
Our modern societies are built on abuse, not on love.
@@macca777 I’m studying to become an acupuncturist! I’m still torn as to if I’m meant to do it or become a therapist because I want to focus on spiritual/emotional healing holistically. Your story is powerful and inspiring. Do you think it helped emotionally/mentally?
I couldn’t afford therapy. So I started recording myself talking about the experience, then listening to it while using the EFT. I would choose one specific moment and journal on it. The technique has really helped me work through 3 years of physical and mental abuse.
It often took listening to my video multiple times, choosing different things to address. It took time and perseverance but I got to the point it no longer triggers me.
Good on you that's quite something
@kymmegascon7805 Such a great comment I just started doing this myself, too. I vlog to/from work bc it's almost 2 hours commuting 5/6 days a week. So much of the effects of being abused by so many is that there is no one I can talk to without risk of further harm. As well, I was also silenced on so many levels.
Everyone took their shots , and they all failed because my light still shines.
It's amazing to finally to be set free. No longer carrying the trauma internally and grateful for the intuition that I have they couldn't silence.
❤🎉😊
Interesting technique.
I really hope I can get an answer since this is one month old, but what do you mean with EFT? I really wanna heal without therapy cuz it’s expensive and maybe your way could work for me as well..
30 years with a covert narc, I gave myself compassion and healed my inner child as well
Thank you and God bless
@@rozdevin2468 you gave me hope I can heal from 48 years with covert narc too. Thank you for sharing snd congratulations 🎈
Same. Tonglen meditation healed my adoption helped trauma of 32 years. Compassion for my inner rejected baby. Painting it out. mindful meditation.
I journal every weekday. I swim every morning. I eat Whole Foods. I do yoga.
Emdr. Helped different trauma. Drawing new boundaries so as not to keep doing the same relationships and behaviors.
You can really see he is committed and passionate about helping others heal their trauma. What a lovely human being and extraordinary psychiatrist.
I agree 💯
What do you suggest for a person who’s been exposed to trauma repeatedly and back to back for several years? Where do you even think to begin the healing process? Therapy in the past has made things worse for me.
@scilicougar I'm same, complex trauma. I've found vids(here on UA-cam)/books by Janina Fisher and Arielle Schwartz helpful, also compassion focused therapy. Some find Pete Walker's work helpful. I think it's a matter of trying stuff and seeing what works, or not, for you. Best wishes to you.
A bad therapist can absolutely make the trauma worse!
#SoSOTrue
Had a bad experience and got charged for something she didn't even do😡
This is true for me
Feeling my trust turned on me
yea, same here. It's really difficult, sorry you've experienced this too
Absolutely 💯
Trauma is energy that also teaches us to change our behavior. Bad habits. Negative thinking. I hope we all can release that trauma energy
This is gold. I've struggled and been burnt by therapy for years, precisely because therapists were either too focused on my past, or in forgiveness, when all I needed was validation. Dr Frank Anderson is everything I've ever wanted and sought for in a therapist, and he sounds like a lovely person as well. His comments about how to engage suicidal people are 💯
I spent the entire video in tears, it appears I still have a lot of healing left to do.
Thank you Kyle, and thank you Dr Frank! I want to give you a hug, truth be told. Thank you for everything you do.
I wish I could surgically remove the hurt of betrayal by my father and my Narcissistic ex-husband. I was beaten at age 4. It's been a lifetime of freeze and dissociating to survive.
No way do I forgive them .... yet.
I validate you
Me too, ❤️🩹
💚 you are you, a ray of god’s own light. That part can never be destroyed. It is still there, deeply intact within you snd even if you never, ever feel it, it is there ❤️🩹. You are not alone, others know this suffering too.
@@angelicamaster7764 can you confront your father? It may help you even if he's not positive back, you stood up for yourself
I love myself too Frank. I believe it is because I survived homelessness for 10 years and I'm still smiling!
Well done you. 💚
What a great video. I went through IFS therapy myself and it was life changing. Frank Anderson's book: Transcending Trauma is probably in my top 5 titles on the subject. I'm so glad that he talked today around the topic of forgiveness.
There's so much wisdom here. Importance of witnessing the trauma instead of being overwhelmed by it. Importance of corrective experience. Only then part of us can start to release the trauma. Also the importance of moving on in the present moment. I think he's absolutely right: often therapists focus too much on the past or they avoid addressing it and focus purely on the future/present.
When doing IFS I really like the element of self-compassion. So often I was asked (after witnessing part of me expressing it's pain/trauma) one question: "How do YOU feel towards this part of you ?". And this is fundamentally one of the keys to healing. You can't skip that. That's how you build a relationship with your Inner Child ❤
Thank you so much for your wonderful book ("Trauma blocks love and love heals trauma") and I really enjoyed watching this interview.
Keep sharing your light with the world Dr Frank ❤
OK, I'm jumping in again! This IS a mini-masterclass! Dr. Frank, you are so eloquent, particularly on forgiveness. I tried to forgive too soon, which was a big mistake.
I finally made peace with my mother on my terms, and it took a long , long time. Like you, I believe if we try to 'force' ourselves to forgive too soon, we abandon ourselves and minimize our trauma. My wise therapist from years ago told me, you'll quit being angry with her when you're ready. I do believe that when we are ready, we realize that holding hate, pain, and resentment for too long is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Thanks!
Forgiveness after healing is not only soothing for the soul but what kind of genuineness can you have when your heart still hurts. That is So important and I am so grateful and thankful to have been able to hear this message
it's crazy: kyle and dr. frank feel it and so do all the listeners who have experienced trauma - you can see it in their eyes. thanks for the great and literally healing contribution
Jesus I was in lots of hospitals on tons of medicine for decades. I was horribly abused. And I am now completely healed and set free no meds except I very tiny dose of sleep meds
I started to read a reply I lost it, someone had been to an acupuncturist and was asked something - what was that?
trauma is not just from abuse! I have trauma from. LOSS!! physically ill PARENTS AND 3 SIBLINGS FROM CANCER!!!!
I’m thrilled for you. What finally helped? The sleeping meds or just time?
This is so good!!
I've just been badly retraumatised by my local Trauma Clinic (internationally renowned psychoanalytic hub).
It's really good to see that there are trauma specialists that do get it.
Oh gosh. ❤️🩹. Find some therapist trained by Dr Janina Fisher. TIST training, much compassIon to you. Psychoanalysis is holding a space that is not helpful and they do not budge. Years ago- there were less treatments and somatic based understandings. Janina Fisher- The Living Legacy of Trauma. UA-cam. Book. Workbook. And lists of TIST trained therapists. I hope you see this message.
My last therapist retraumatized me also,as do 12 step meetings. Id say it's the people I chose in those meetings,more than the actual program.
@@Andrea-HeIsKing I do ACA. But only the loving parent ones. I prefer not reliving my trauma history, connecting to my difficult feelings and re-parenting myself in a mediative state where love, connection, empathy and compassion can heal even my past
I just discovered this channel 4 days ago and I am already looking through every playlist and soaking up as much information as I can! I made the decision this evening that I am no longer choosing to see my current therapist who is using a psychodynamic approach to help me with my trauma and understand my behavior patterns. I find it destabilizing to rehash old traumatic memories repeatedly. It is harming me more than it is helping at this point. I found this video at the EXACT right time and the points that were made very much resonated with me! Thank you so much to all of you involved in this channel and the effort that is put forth to bring healing! ❤❤
Wow omg literally same! I usually have trouble making decisions but I feel sure about ending it - this therapists lack of feedback is triggering because I’ve been met with so much invalidation, gaslighting, etc in my family.
"Love and connection is what heals trauma". Probably the best and most resonating sentence I have heard on the topic so far. Really far too much focus is given to the mind, rather than healing through the heart. Being with the pain, releasing the stuck energy. Glad I have come across this video with Kyle and Dr. Frank Anderson. Authenticity rules.
Brilliant interview! I, too, am a massive fan of Bessel Von der Kolk and Gabor Mate. In my many years of therapy, I've learned it takes skill and self-trust to find 'the right' therapist (truly trauma-informed). I currently work with a Neuotherapist to re-train my brain. It's a bottom-up, not top-down, process, and very effective for me. When she shows me my brain activity, I can SEE the chronic overactivity and chronic stress responses. As Dr. Anderson explained, many useful approaches can be used simultaneously to help accelerate healing. Thank you, Kyle and Dr. Anderson!
P.S. Kyle, would you consider having a guest who discusses the physical consequences of unhealed trauma, such as autoimmune disorders?
Gabor Mate is an international treasure
Can you recommend your neurotherapist?
I’ve never even heard of a neuro therapist. Thank you
Can you please tell me what I would Google to find a Neurotherapist doing what yours does it sounds awesome. Does it have something to do with biofeedback or Nero feedback
OMG, Dr. Anderson has the answer to the residual dysfunction and healing I still need to work through! My progress hit a wall, and I now see how my trauma can give my life purpose. 🙏
❤THIS !!!
I'm reading Dr. Anderson's book now and it is SO sad but also so healing to hear the details of his traumatic upbringing and the similarities to my experiences even though I'm cis straight woman...his personal journey is so inspiring. I can't wait to heal more at age 54. I pray it's not too late to change. When I truly realized that my dad was just a fragile person and a boy who had his own trauma in a family with mental illness, I could accept and forgive him as equals. Now, I need to get fully under my physical and emotional symptoms to let them all go.
Yes you can heal. God healed my trauma. I did for several years go to therapy. I learned alot. No therapist take you through trauma work. The ones who do is lots of money. I started working with God and doing a lot of trauma work.
I have been thru 5 years of therapy with 2 different therapists and still feeling stuck. Thanks for this wonderful interview. Finally a therapist who actually "gets" it because he has been there. I will try some of his techniques. The biggest takeaway - counter loneliness with connection, counter unloveable with love. Praying for healing and compassion for everyone here. ❤
If you've not done it already, Id recommend dr ramini, dr carter and if it's childhood trauma Jerry wise and Patrick teahan.
I have PTSD and complex PTSD, and I am working through healing. This convo has been so helpful in terms of clearing up self-compassion and recovery.
I love Dr Frank ❤. Dr Frank is easy and simple to understand. He helped me take steps in real recovery. Thank you
A couple of years back, I was desperately seeking help through therapy. After downloading to the psychologist what I went through, she began her sentence with, "According to what you say..." it was so effing offensive. Why would anyone make up stories of the most horrific intimate partner abuse they went through?
From that day, I started working on myself, wading through the sewage of emotional waste, picking up pieces of my damaged soul, examining it, and getting rid of/making changes. Wish this podcast came at that time.
Thank you for the very many wonderful insights.
What about trauma from loss of loved one?!??! 33:07
i get it. i know how u felt. numerous people start thr statement that ways with me
Oh my gosh, this video and Dr Frank’s book, To Be Loved are helping me learn to heal my parts so much!!! I’m 69 years old, been through therapy many times but this is the first time I can say that learning from Dr Frank, his book and my new therapist who does IFS with me have me on the road to healing from my experiences of childhood trauma, physical, emotional and sexual. Thank you Dr Frank, from the bottom to the top of my heart for all you’re doing to help those of us in need of help.❤
Thank you so very much for this. God bless U all. I am 70 yrs old and first time I've come across ' any sense ' on these matters..😊
waow !
I got more out of this 30 minute video then I have from years of therapy. Thank you so much! ❤
What I can apply right now is self-compassion. Because I have destroyed myself after trauma way more than the people who perpetrated the trauma against me. I'm going to exercise being kind to myself. 😊
It’s absolutely feasible since I have done my own self therapy since childhood, and I am now 57.
It takes a lot of self reflection, self direction, self growth, self love…self everything… to heal, grow, and morph.
This may be new to the modern world since society can’t self direct.
It’s not new to life. Being an old soul in the modern world means I am grounded from life principles and perspectives. Experiences have so much value to move and grow forward. The key is to evaluate them while not swirling in their time space. ❤
Have only just realised that , as you mentioned re forgiveness . I have forgiven those I chose to forgive plus myself , but never dealt with the pain , which then was suppressed and just got on with living wearing masks . I have found a truly good psychologist . Rather than looking at the history , which sometimes has to be mentioned , it’s the internal feelings and emotions that need to have to sort of have to have a voice . Very hard to tell someone how I feel as I don’t know myself . Thank you for this great video . Find art therapy a great release of energy .
Omg this is exactly how I feel even after so much therapy and medication.
Thanks!
What you need most is good insight, and perhaps a voice or community to bounce your thoughts off who can support you. And the time to process it all. But yes, I suppose. It really helps if you find the right direction to aim, the right words for what you've been through, and little or no contact with any people who've been doing you harm. Therapy can really speed up healing and help keep you on track. ❤
I cannot forgive my abuser..I'm still very much on the healing journey..been eliminating self loathing long. A lifetime of healing, love ya Kyle, Dr. Ramani & Dr. Frank - appreciate you all very much ❤️🥀
Don’t even think about or entertain any notion of forgiveness, put all your energy into entertaining notions of you having a good day and go with that- like deeply and persistently with and into notions of you having a good day. In time hour good days with increase and stick with that being your priority. Good days are like when you can het into the shower, wash your hair, tidy the kitchen and go about every normal living with a certain level of ease.
Biggest take away before rewatching, compassion. I'm 72. Compassion mostly for others, for myself a fairly recent add on. Pointing out the difficulty with self care as hope for recovery, also fairly new to my recovery path. I can say "working on it" to pacify another’s well intended concern, doing them or me no actual help. I easily revert to their need, not mine. Help to know how to find compassion for myself seems rare, doubly welcome. Affirmation most welcome. PS, Bessel Van dur Kolk started the ball to recovery for many of us. Thank God for those who keep that ball rolling for most of us!
Tons of notes!! Love all of it. Such an addition to these powerful topics🙏 I love teaching different paths of forgiveness and the power of it -never force it on anyone, but to understand there can be a timing is such a beautifully said point of view🎉
And as someone who’s been coaching for 10 years and loves the industry, I have to say I agree there has to be a balance of the past and the future. But as a coach, I also want to show the industry is greatly changing. I am never someone who doesn’t hook and “visit “the past- part of the joy is connecting the dots seeing the themes in the patterns as the observer , because it can bring peace and help people go to another level where those elements could be showing up still in their lives. I just wanted to share not all coaches are pushing hard forward It is much more of a spiraling staircase upward not a straight line. Very excited to get your book thank you for all that you do both of you.🙏🙏
Agree! We must use a combination of both to provide real and impactful transformation in our coaching sessions!
I am done with therapy. When I was severely depressed and anxious one tried to get me to sit there and say “I am a healthy person”. I went to one and said I thought I had PTSD and he said I couldn’t because having your house burn down isn’t enough of a trauma to cause it. I didn’t know I was abused - I thought all kids were treated how I was. I am now sure I have complex PTSD and having your house burn down probably is enough to cause PTSD. Finally, the best therapist I ever had helped me stay married to a covert narcissist 15 years longer than I needed to be. I didn’t need someone to coach me on how to deal with him and his moods. I needed someone to say “girl that is B. S. !!!” Too much time. Too much money. Self help books and UA-cam are a thousand times more helpful
What set me free into forgiveness was the realization that forgiveness and reconciliation were not synonymous.
Breaking Free by Beth Moore was very helpful to me with my healing. It is the reason why I continuously practice dealing the way I do now with the things in my current life. You have to take the time to do the work, though. Healing is such liberty. Thanks for sharing this option.
2 1/2 years later I am reliving the experience everyday, as it impacts every facet of my life…and short of stopping working, I cannot get away from the triggers that constantly keep me in a highly anxious and aroused state of mind and body. The grief and loss is overwhelming daily
I hear you. How are you now
I understand and I am so sorry you are struggling. I am too.
This is helpful. I’m in a toxic insane family dynamic that is too twisted for words. My youngest daughter is their pawn. I’ve come to radical acceptance and Pretty much left my family to learn their lesson I can’t save everyone I couldn’t save me in that mess. I will work on me so I can continue to strengthen and I’ll be ready to care for my little girl when she finally speaks up. Hopefully my older two will see soon too. I won’t let them ruin me. Children grow up. The alienation from them, is like they died. It’s I get them back then I lose them. Narcissistic divorce never ends court continues until their eighteen. I just won’t play this money game any longer they don’t love them they use them I was used. My words fall on deaf ears they don’t realize their being abused. No court will listen I pray or ask they learn I tried to teach them.
Thank you this is brilliant...it took me 50 years to love myself and to forgive ...💯🔥🎯❤️
I'm 55 and I thought I had "arrived" but i haven't.
YES! Too much focus on the past instead of moving forward & healing!
I was sexually abused by my sister’s husband. My sister was 15yrs old when I was born! She was like a mother figured to me! I was 4yrs old when she married! My father was an alcoholic when I was a child! I spend a lot of time with her she was trying to keep me save and I get molested by her husband! My sister and I end up it this situation where we are both traumatized by this man! I get the strength to stand up for My sister and I because she is so broken and depleted by this time.I threaten him he divorces her!! She begs me to keep it a secret what he did to me to protect her 3 small children I agree!
The repression destroys my health my immune system attacks my body!! I’m sick! Sister dies from cancer and something happens inside of me! This man is still attending our family holidays even though kids our grown and before she died she tells me she told her children and tells one of my daughters!! So then she passes I don’t know what happened but I lay it bare with my family! I demand he not be allowed at our family functions! I’m just done I decide I matter too! It’s as if her death just released me. When her children told their father that I demanded he not come to family functions He wanted to speak with me to apologize my reaction to that was no I don’t need it! I feel it would do nothing for me! Because once I didn’t need to pretend anymore I could forgive and heal myself! I can’t explain it was such a release!! I had therapy in the past but I couldn’t get to a healthy place until I released the secret I carried and kept from my family!! this is a shorten version their was so much that played out in my family one I opened up! Forgiveness is tricky!!
Im so sorry to hear that. I hope you can find closure and peace in life. What you went through was horrific and you didn't deserve it. It's a strange world that we live in. But you're alive and you have agency, even if so much was taken away from you at different points in your life. You are a free adult now with a louder voice than you've ever had before. You're not the abused child anymore. Hopefully you can let go of that past version of you gently, and then embrace who you are at this moment in time.
Give yourself the chance to experience who you are right now and explore who you truly are, without the shackles of the past keeping you trapped
Compassion to you. You are not alone in what happened to you. It was all horrible abuse. You were a very vulnerable little kid and he knew that. None of this was your fault. To have to bear the secret for your sister, that was a huge ask and it was a very complicated situation.
His apology now- that I believe would be token behaviour to jeep the wheels of life rolling his way. Just as it sounds like they always have. Well done you. Hold your head high. I hope you ate still young enough and have many years of heath, peace and happiness ahead of you. Happiness to me, it’s about contentment.
Blessings to you and your nearest and dearest.
You needed to be supported by those who loved you so you could heal bc of the age you were ,you didn't need anything from him ,glad you got there
I had a similar thing happen, with a different situation. My father molested my half sister and me. People knew about my half sister and often talked badly about her (very toxic family & mostly this was his side of the family), so I never told anyone because I thought no one would care and I would be outcasted. My Dad died when I was 32 and I just started telling people (I had also been in a very bad relationship for 7 yrs and I just snapped one day) I guess I decided I was done keeping everything in. I don’t think anyone believes me because I never told anyone, but I felt that release you’re talking about in my body. My body could not handle keeping it all in anymore. Unfortunately, I think it hurt my mom so much that happened to me that it affected her health and she died 2 weeks later. Now I have to live with that. Trauma sucks.
@@meverly7834 Telling the truth is not what killed your Mother. Healthy people, even as human and vulnerable, can hear the truth. Years of living with toxic energy, denial, etc -- that is the environment that creates the kind of exhaustion and poor resilience that can eventually cause a 'shock' (of truth or whatever) to ripple through. The problem is not the truth, but the entire lack of healthy environment.... And it may be that your Mother knew the truth somehow all along...and had very complicated feelings/beliefs, etc about it.
How brave and on a healing path you are. May this continue...and may you find people who can maturely, sanely, lovingly and soberly be able to handle the truth - and to live lives with integrity, positive possibility, a lack of enmeshment - with caring and real love and respect.
Sometimes therapy adds to the trauma because it’s not one therapist fits all
Yes-
Exactly
We call this Therapeutic Coaching. Love that this is getting so much exposure to combine both worlds!! The results are immediate and unbelievably impactful when the healing happens and the triggers are dismantled once and for all.
I love Dr. Anderson. Thank u for this, MedCircle. And when I say I love him, it's nothing superficial, I respect him so much and he gives us so much of himself, the love, kindness, the space and knowledge that he shares with us, people all around the world(I'm from Romania, Eastern Europe), it's such a priceless helpful gift. Sending love and appreciation.
The best healing I had for my CPTSD is life itself. Actually, I didn’t know I have trauma. I forgot about it and also the symptoms I had as a child as I progressed in life. After 40yrs of building my own life, family, boundaries from my family of origin, only then I learned about my traumas when it all just surfaced one sunny day. The therapy helped me make some order and give formal names to the things I was experiencing and have a clear A to Z story to explain my path from childhood till now.
If you didn't have much trouble functioning then its wasn't as much of CPTSD.
@@alexxx4434 it was and still is but much better. I still get visual and auditory flashbacks, dissociation (mainly depersonalisation) or wake up in random place, anxiety (mostly due to relationships triggers) and other symptoms. But it’s nothing like the total mess I was in as a child/teen and behaviour wise, it’s much much better. The is no 100% healing but still….there are some other symptoms but more embarrassing 😳.
By the way, you just made a judgemental comment and I don’t recommend doing that or diagnosing other people. There were days in my life that such a comment would make me want to end my life. Today I’m older and wiser to filter out such comments
Sorry if my comment came off harsh. But your premise came off wrong and diminishing to people struggling with CPTSD too. Life generally just doesn't heal CPTSD. You need to first heal CPTSD to begin to live, since it gets you profoundy stuck with everything seem poinless. If you were able to function properly with CPTSD, maybe it was not as severe.
@@alexxx4434 I meant to encourage people and emphasise that in my case, my life journey really made most of the healing even before I realised that I’m dealing with any mental issue. I may be lucky, working on it without realising or. Some combination of both. But it worked for me. I also think that time can heal (being busy with life) and the age makes a difference. I don’t want people to think that CPTSD or any other diagnosis makes you unable to live and get better. Professional help is great but no one is doomed without it.
and again, pls don’t try to rank the severity of anyone’s diagnosis. It doesn’t serve the healing
I believe it was Dr. Sam Vaknin who said it best. That part of healing is getting to the point of experiencing the trauma without the reaction to it. To me, I think that is where forgiveness can begin. It can be a fluid non-incidental non-conscious moment of moving on. Or marked by a conscious effort.
As a psychotherapist myself I believe you don't have to forgive. To heal you need to grieve, release, and let go. You can forgive if you want but a lot can't depending on the abuse and abuser. Letting go is plenty enough. ❤❤
Thank you for affirming this. Some things are unforgivable !
Forgiveness is about releasing resentment which is at the same time getting your power and agency back! This is ultimate realization that all our trauma experiences are reflection of collective trauma that we are all part of in this life but not the cause of trauma on ultimately..
thank you very much for the video, it is very rich. I could write many things here that I liked from this video, but I will put this: we cannot stay with other people s pain until we can contain our pain 💗🌻
All that was offered here is so doable and super helpful when supporting others🌈😊🙏
Dr Frank Anderson is absolutely right!
Thank you so much Dears❤
I never prolonged the agony purposefully I thought to forgive, and though I didn’t have a close relationship with my mom and my adult years, I still loved her. I was hoping at some point she would apologize to me for the way that she treated me in life, but she never did. She was deeply codependent, and my dad was deeply an alcoholic. She didn’t apologize to me, but she never forgot anything that I said that might’ve upset her, as I did stand up to her as I needed to which landed me a lot of trouble most of the time. I just got tired of being beaten on my dad, too psychologically as well couldn’t stand that I would be able to have musical success when he was extremely talented and he was and he could have we all could have but the pride in them was just way too strong and it still is. it still has spilled over to my siblings that I am not allowed to be successful in my calling because that just wouldn’t be fair to them. That’s how they feel.
You live your life and enjoy your talents and engaging with your abilities. Protect yourself, sounds like your family will continue sending misery energy your way, they will never admit to that, it’s probably not in them to. So protect you, shine your light and you can play some music to their souls that is deep compassion.
You can't choose your family, but you can choose how much exposure you have to them. Spend your time with people who empower you and nature your well-being. Love your family from a distance and save your life.
@@LC-pk4zz agreed! Thank you! ❤️
What a beautiful soul. So touching. Blessings❤
One of the best discussions on trauma as I go through my continued healing journey! Thank you! ❤
25:40 forgive AFTER you heal NOT before!
30:35 trauma blocks love and connection, love and connection IS what heals trauma.
OMG...just stumbled on your podcast. Wow...to both you and your awesome guest. And wow, do I ever need this. I am going to finish tonight's great show, but I have subbed and will definitely be back. Thank you both. ❤
Another Trauma Victim
Love this! Sometimes therapy is not the answer because it was created with a very specific intention. As humans increase their awareness and connectedness they need something that is more heart-based and provides more techniques, tools & strategies to actually help people instead of diagnosing and prescribing. We talk with many therapists who come to us to learn more to add to their skillset and it works wonders to be outside of the box for them. 💛
Very accurate, i really need to heal before i can forgive.
2:18 Fit. This is crucial for me - last time I tried therapy I was overwhelmed not only by current events, the extra financial burden and trying to work on trauma, but by encountering the therapist, who just wasn't the right fit for me at the time. As a person who needs time ot adjust to other people, this added extra stress on everything that was happening - including losing a job, for example.
Yes, absolutely “mini master class on trauma”. Wonderful!
I have cptsd, I did a lot of therapy, took meds for my depression, etc, and what helped me tremendously was EMDR and learning to go through the physical, horrible sensations of the flashbacks. I figured thanks to the book the body keeps the score, that if I had a specific flashback, I had to relive the entire episode of that flashback, as accurately as possible and CRY MY EYES OUT.
It was a holy remedy (un santo remedio).
I had a miscarriage that ended up in me almost dying from a hemorrage, that is one of my most recent traumstic experiences and for me even having my period at first was tough.
I had healed a lot from this, but I went to see the last alien movie and that has a scene with a pregnant woman, there is a lot od blood and I saw one second of it and it was massive panic for me. I felt I was in the hospital trying to stand up all soaked in my own blood again. I was physically transported, I was no longer at the cinema.
I shut my eyes and I could still hear the woman, so I covered my ears. I felt so desperate, but I had to come back ro reality.
I took some deep breaths while doing EMDR, remembering the experience until the emotions went quiet. All whilst seated next to some random lady. I did what I needed to calm down and I went back to watching the movie, it took me about 2 minutes to calm down.
I was exhausted afterwards, so I asked my bf (who hadn't noticed my episode) to go grab a coffee and we talked about the experience. That was very healing.
The combo of going through the emotion and then having a validating experience is what heals me, I apply it all the time
I can relate to the wounded healer archetype. That's why I went into the world of psychology, helping children in foster care by becoming the person I wished I had when I was a child. I ❤ Dr Rumani. The same principles Dr Anderson is teaching is the same principles I express to the children dealing with trust and abandonment issues. Thanks for this very insightful video!❤
"Being with the feelings.... Not letting them take over. " there is so much to that statement alone. I am starting to get it now, from all the many psychologist online. Bless their hearts ❤ I learned to handle panic attacks in the same way... To let it pass. It is very much the same way. It worked well. With little effort. The panic attacks are still there.. Coming out of severe psychopathic psychological abuse known as DARVO.. I fought way to hard to try to correct him and hoping to save the marriage. A real tragedy of how things unfolded. I am learning radical acceptance.. Learning to accept it happened and move on. God willing.
Thank you for this great conversation. It confirms to me that I have found my way to heal my
trauma even without therapy.
Beautiful 💛
😀Appreciate the message that healing is possible withOUT therapy! It's true! ❤ *I hope no one takes from this that loving/forgiving your abuser or being in contact with them should be a goal, or that pain always needs to lead to purpose.* Sometimes pain just sucks and abusers keep hurting us, and it's OKAY listen to our OWN wisdom about what works for us or doesn't. In fact, being able to do that is one of the great things about healing! 😃 I'm team "No thanks!" to allowing toxic people in my life anymore and it has made such a difference! 🌈🌿🤓😻😃✨💖
I really needed to hear all of this. Living with cptsd for 90% of my life and just 4 years ago realizing it and starting to heal it. Forgivemess I've learned is ran from compassion. For yourself first and then for others will follow. Not all of them but some and that's ok. Forgiveness does naturally come once you've actually healed. I reallty needed to hear that and thank you both so much. Love and Light
Yes just excellent insights and REAL tools for healing.Thank you
Wow!! I LOVE Dr Frank!!! He is AMAZING!! ❤
Right??❤❤❤ I was thinking the same thing
So true! “Visit the past” not relive the past. That was then - this is now - inner child work & reparent self. It is profound healing. It’s an ongoing process, the obstacle is the way.
Heal, release, forgiveness of self, empathy for abuser(s) - they haven’t healed. They were most likely abused as well.
Great stuff. It really impressed me when Dr. Anderson said first heal out of the trauma and then forgive.
I love this man, Dr. Frank Anderson - happy to find him here...thank you
I healed thru my father, too. I've been there. A true gift.
I love this episode, I resonated fully with Dr Frank, I myself became a psychologist to get approval of my dad.
This is GOLD! After trying to get help in traditional therapy for over a decade, i found it's not a good fit for me. I know i need to do some deep work (and i need to do it on my own). I need to know how to do this outside the relm om therapy ( too many bad therapist out there). Thank you for shearing your knowledge
AMEN...amen...amen! About people often trying to talk others out of feeling or being honestly expressive about their pain. Wrong approach! I have shared that truth with so many people about that reality. Sometimes it takes a while for them to finally get and accept that...but boy is it true!
Love you both...do glad I "stumbled" on this! 😉. Thank you both. Namaste!
That is amazing. Heal before forgiveness. Thank you❤
I realized I needed to change who I socialized with
I've gotten rid of 80% of people that continued to hurt me.
Me too. I dumped and completely cut-off toxic friends and family members who were all treating me badly. After the initial shock time from doing that, my life is soooo very very much better; it's happier, safer and enjoyable. Yes my friendship and family group is smaller, and I'm so glad it is. no more wasted time on emotional abusers and emotional vampire's, its so liberating
The host feels so identified with "forgive ourselves for abandoning ourselves" that I ........ get it completamente!!!!!!!!!!!!
being in the recovery process for more than 30 years dealing with multiple addictions and complex ptsd.
I saw that it would take my own determination and search for the truth to get well..
although I was exposed to the mental health systems in my area..
I saw little to no progress in others as they tried to overcome their pasts.
I never made any headway either until I was called to know Jesus Christ.
then things just started clicking into place...
and he continues to bless me.. protect me.. and show me the way.
Amen. Id be dead without Him. He saved my life many many times. 🙏❤
Thank you so much for this interview ❤
I love the comment about forgiveness coming after youve healed. I just experienced it in that exact order
I needed this.. I took notes while crying. Thank you❤
Thank you so much for your time, knowledge and compassion to us. A lot of healing points to check, the guidance is critical to me, today. Very grateful to hear these valuable words. 💚
You guys could be brothers, you look so much alike. 😮😊
I most definitely will save this video. This interview is so powerful. Thank you for having Dr. Frank Anderson on.
great show! thanks so much
I love every word of this ❤
Wow
Thank you for this idea Dr Frank
Liked, saved, subscribed and sharing!!! So happy to hear I can heal first before forgiving. Life altering!!!! And “validate “ is one of my favorite words. Thank you!!!
This man is my god ❤
Smart Guy
Glad he's thriving now
Thank you so much, I will be getting the Doctors audiobooks
I took a lot of notes. Thank you
This was so helpful for me. I find myself watching it daily and taking notes ❤❤
Love this Dr. Frank!!
5:00 visit past and not being there; witness feeling not being captured
6:31 corrective experience