Betrayal Trauma | The Signs
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- Опубліковано 9 тра 2024
- In this video, clinical psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, will discuss the signs that you may have betrayal trauma. This type of trauma can be a difficult experience to heal, and can lead to a number of emotional and physical issues.understands the signs you may have betrayal trauma better than anyone.
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Topics:
00:00 What is betrayal trauma?
01:37 Is betrayal trauma common?
02:39 Betrayal trauma vs other types of trauma
03:46 Signs someone experienced betrayal trauma
06:31 How to heal from betrayal trauma
#trauma #ptsd #cptsd #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #betrayaltrauma #betrayal
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Please do a video series about medical trauma or medical PTSD! Us chronic illness people need some access! :)
Is everything good on set with the staff? I'm getting the hint that the speakers don't like Mr. host.
I ABSOLUTELY ADORE DOCTOR RAMANI
I can add... This is huge with the partners and family/friends of addicts. Betrayal trauma can look like codependence...
Already a member ☺️🙏🏻
Grieving for someone who you thought you knew, yet who hasn't physically died is one of the strangest and traumatizing experiences.
Rips at your soul and you left trying to pick up the pieces.
It’s the worst when no one understands…
it is, to find ur selfs grieving the loss of someone who never exsisted...like an imagenry ghost died, that was a disguise for a zombi underneath.
I've been doing that with my daughter for the past 17 years! 😞
And it never ends in spite of decades passing, therapy, etc.
Betrayal trauma feels like thinking you're living a real life and finding out it's all a mirage.
Or the feeling of you do not even exist. All you do is walking next to yourself and watch you die slowly.
It really is. Feeling like I knew what the rest of my life would be then it was gone. It is like being plucked out of your own life and dropped into someone else's and being expected to just jump right in and know what to do.
Or after 33 years of marriage You find out your husband is transgender female and you let them go so they could be free
@@kareeb6080 Exactly!
@@beablooming They are serpents. Cain's lineage. Read Psalm 58:3-5 NKJV or KJV. This verse describes these people and they outnumber us 20 to 1.
What's worse is when they know they hurt you and they don't care. They move on like you meant nothing after cheating for years.
I know, the pain and hurt is one of the worst feelings
i think its harder to realize that they never did, they never cared
Or, even worse, they know they hurt you and they're gleeful about it . . . to your face.
@@rlipkin8912 I’m glad I’m not alone in this. When my Ex broke up with me they couldn’t contain their excitement. I hadn’t seen them that happy in awhile bc they basically gave me the silent treatment verbally, physically, emotionally. It hurt so much I started to puke to just find out later they had been flirting with people for months and now that I was out of the way, it was the next best thing for them. They were so happy they were jumping around and immediately went to the phone. I thought I was crazy bc I couldn’t move on. I hope now that Ik there’s a word for what I’ve been going thru for 2 yrs that I can hopefully get better
100% agree
I have no friends or family that can listen to my repeated ventings, but I've found a solution that works surprisingly well for people who have nobody and can't afford therapy.
I have long talks to the camera of my phone. I can say everything that needs to be said. Then I listen back the entire thing. I see myself sobbing, yelling, being frustrated and angry, and I empathise with myself. I always feel so much better after that. It also helps to see yourself in order to see if you're emotionally unstable or unreasonable, you get a bit of a more objective view of yourself. That really helps to get your bearings back, and see how other people perceive you. Also you can validate yourself seeing how much you're suffering. It might feel weird in the beginning, but you'll get used to it if you do it a few times.
I hope this helps !❤
Talking to Jesus,song by brandon lake...healing therapy❤
Prayer is the best therapy. People get tired of chronic venting. Jesus wont get tired of you 💙
I am so proud of you, that's an absolutely great way to release. Just be careful no one gets their hands on your phone, download them to a desktop/laptop regularly. Delete them from your phone.
@@KiwiKirsty1983 They get deleted immediately after I watch them 😉 And immediately after that I clear the bin (not sure what it's called in English, but it's the folder where the deleted pics and video's are stored).
thank you.
“Of all the ways to lose a person, death is the kindest.”― Ralph Waldo Emerson
No I don't think that is true. I've been grieving a family suicide for 20 years. Death is not kind.
@@deniseelsworth7816 Much sympathy. I would say suicide can fall under betrayal trauma or at least an unnatural form of death.
@@LK-Design thank you yes there is a sense of betrayal in the mix of emotions. Especially in the earlier years.
YES, YES, YES!!!
good point
I've been betrayed by the people I've loved the most. Siblings, parents, etc.
same here, it's awful.
Same here! Betrayal by family or spouse is the worst. Once trust is lost you can never get it back.
me too mother brother I finally saved a relationship with my sister because of Dr Ramini.
so you have betrayal fever or whatever
@@thelastdevil3907 fevers usually go away. Betrayal trauma doesn't without intense healings if ever.
The betrayal trauma I experienced changed my entire understanding of what human beings are even capable of doing to one another. I never in a million years would've believed before that anyone could do what was done to me, to anyone else. I can never regain the faith I had before in human goodness. It's been years and I still don't understand what would motivate someone to act this way.
Same.
I feel this. It's like my soul has been crushed and destroyed. I hope you can heal and find light in people again.
Same. But I'm grateful I learned how to spot dangerous people and STAY AWAY. They aren't always easy to notice, but I became an expert in my last relationship 😂. I feel like I got a superpower from it, or at least a backbone!
Same.
Heart breaks for all of you, including myself. Sending love ❤
"above all else, you lose trust in yourself". YES!!!
SO TRUE!!!
I never lost trust in myself but I was mad at myself for being so naive and trusting of others but at the same time who could anticipate that the closest ppl to you are betraying you with the ultimate betrayal.
I thank Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father 🙏🏽♥️ and all the good people that knew what I didn't.
Revenge belongs to the Lord and he is not slack in repaying for evil deeds done to his children.
@@godsaidiamxx2376what my ex did was pretend to be a follower of Christ. So he broke my faith as well as our marriage.
I don’t trust anyone who claim to be Christian anymore.
A betrayal occurs when you discover what someone so close to you has been doing and conspiring behind your back to destroy any part of you. It will come from someone who has listened to you and even helped you which is why it hurts so much.
And all of it on purpose, planning, conspiring, it’s sick, sick, sick.
I understand. My betrayal was not with a former partner it was a work related one. After years of being loyal and keeping a big secret about my boss and the co-worker whom I shared personal info with, they both "did me dirty"! I was so blind in thinking they were my friends and had my back until I would not play their game anymore. That was 22 years ago and I am still greatly affected by it. My false structure was knocked out from under me and it was a wake up call! I learned not to trust anyone anymore because people will jack you up whether it is intentional or not.
I had this with my adult stepdaughter. We used to go shopping together. When she was badly injured in a car accident I had her move back in and took care of her. I even made sure her car payments got paid, and the whole time she was doing and saying awful things behind my back. Her father caught her in the act, recorded it, and showed it to me. It broke my heart, but I kicked her *ss out.
Yup... It's the worst esp and usually happens by someone you trusted with all your💔
💔
The self blame in betrayal trauma is the most difficult thing to get over, the ruminating keeps you from moving on. When you realize you were so naive you placed yourself at the narcissists hands and they knew they were manipulating you :(
💯% ✅
That’s not always the case. When you are dealing with covert narcs you really don’t know them as they act differently depending on the circumstances. You don’t place yourself willingly in the hands of a covert narc and you don’t realize how they use you. In that situation there is no room for self blame if you have a healthy mind.
Ugh, the ruminating 😵
The fact that they knew and deliberately choose to manipute is the most painful. 💔
it's 100% THEIR shame, not yours, they're just too narcissistic and fragile and frankly stupid to look at their own mental health issues. Betrayal happens to the best of us, take comfort in knowing YOU aren't the kind of person who messes other people over to compensate for being empty inside. Love yourself enough to not give a f*** about people who don't deserve to be given a f*** about. These psychos will do anything to destroy you, then present themselves as being so "concerned" about your well being. Don't let their insanity poison your mental real estate, it's TOXIC. Just imagine what has to be going on in their head in order to do this to others...feels good to be you, BE FREE.
Wow, is it ever. The numbing shock of finding out that someone you trusted: a partner, a spouse, a family member, who you loved and gave your heart and soul to, valued you so little or in fact, hated you that much, changes your world in a fundamental way. OUCH!!
Finding out my partner cheated was almost as traumatic as doing CPR on one of my parents. Very close. People need to think really, really hard before they do this to someone.
But these ppl never think, they just do whatever they want to unbeknownst to u. The person they lie to & create illusions with until u finally see the cold hard truth about these narcissists
Cheating multiple times by my spouse is Hands down the worst shit I’ve ever experienced and I’ve been a heroin/fentanyl addict for over a decade
It's really difficult to work through betrayal trauma when you're in a narcissistic family system and everyone just gaslights you or minimizes your pain. Dr. Ramani is right: in many ways grieving actual death would be easier and more socially acceptable. I have long called betrayal trauma "death without casseroles." No one is tending to your sadness and helping you slog through life while you work through it.
Death without casseroles...
That's a good one.
It's almost like your pain can't exist since there is no body...
"Death without casseroles," great name for it, encompasses so many aspects.
To Patricia Salem: this is particularly true for kids whose basic needs were met but not their emotional needs. It takes a long time to realize you were an unwanted burden. Everyone thinks shelter, clothes, food are signs that a child is cared for. Giving basics to a child out of obligation produces a kid who is so messed up but doesn't know it. My mom repeatedly told me that no one did anything to me. I just now realized the 100% truth of this statement. It was what wasn't done that killed me.
@@nancybartley4610 "killed"? Or made us stronger /resilient /go getters; people who despite our circumstances, we cannot allow ourselves giving up. One word: survivors. We also have empathy, compassion. However, the tricky part is perception of switching to being, not doing; and, turning kindness and compassionate towards our own self. It takes work, hard daily work on our self. We can do anything we set our mind/heart to. The key 🔐 is inward.
Death without casseroles!! The year my narc mom died i had to confront the narcissism in my siblings, i grieved much more intensely for my sibs. My mom was elderly in poor condition, my sibs i had to bury in my heart and it is the most painful thing I've lived through to date
"it would've actually been easier if the person was dead", "it's like having your house burn down". incredibly powerful and true.
It's grief for the living.
@@RideAcrossTheRiver Yes, the betrayal feels so unbelievable to me, as is said like a stranger took the place of the husband I knew 40 years, since a teenager....I am in grief like you say. There was no "growing apart"...i had no clue, I thought there was trust without doubt and honesty assumed. Like he died. It kept on too, this woman, then another, then emotional abuse, gaslighting, it is still like I cannot believe it...yes my life, my entire marriage? Lies....I'm so upset, he talks and acts different, there are other betrayals, and he says "it was just lies, get over it". The anxiety has given ptsd, as I thought he began to love me and acted like "himself", then back again to this person again. How could I not know. Such a liar, I believe now my whole marriage, and yes, unbelievable grief. I would have rather he'd died, as actually, he did.
@@gogi682 Not sure how long ago this was for you, but rumination is as bad as grief. I try to distract myself with things that interrupt my return to bad times. Really really REALLY goofy comedy helps.
Absolutely!
Finding out after someone dies adds to the complexity as you find yourself grieving for someone who wasn’t real.
Finding out that a so called friend has betrayed you is one of the most hurtful feelings on earth
Agreed 😢
After a 50 yr friendship my “ best “ friend…. I mean everything together told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore. It put me back into the hospital for 3 months. I was devastated that was 7 years ago
Try a mom. She’s been trying to knock me down and isolate me so I only have her to talk to.
@naomilorentzen4483 hope your ok 💗
@@hayley44448 I will be. I had to lose my extended maternal family but it’s honestly worth it. Now I can pick up the pieces in peace.
Her points are valid, I felt like I was mourning someone who was still alive
This is SPOT ON and nobody gets it unless they’ve experienced it.
You can tell from my user name I believed after 25 years of marriage it was all a lie… the love, the children I thought we both wanted, everything was a lie 💔
It takes years to grieve some betrayal trauma. I had to rid my life of most of my family, my spouse and several close friends before I began to heal and process emotions. It was like waking up one day and realizing I was being taken advantage of by most people in my life.
Journal ,journal! Write out what happened...how you feel...it's helped me so much
I am sorry to hear you went thru that...and I am proud of you for "waking up"
Yes, me also. It was over a decade ago for me and I still can't move past it. Until I saw this video, I didn't know what I was experiencing even had a name, and so I've just felt stupid for years that it still seems to be affecting me so damn much.
Best comment. And when you come that realization, you don't have anyone to lean on for support bc those are the same ppl that were ok either taking advantage or watching but not saying anything. Keep strong. Find new friends, support group, etc. 🙏
We dont give too much….we have poor boundaries. Be honest.
It happened to me 30 years ago and I have trust issues to this day. The most painful experience in my life.
I’m 6 years in. Still married and still think about it every day. My partner changed their life, but part of me is still gone.
Yep. I could never trust again after that, he tried to get me fired, tried to take my house, my daughter. It kept compounding. He got the other woman but that was not enough for him. He kept trying to hurt me and I never figured out why. Btw the other woman cheated on him 3 years later.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
A week after my husband passed away I discovered that he had numerous affairs over the 17 years we were together, the most recent still on going just before he died. That was 16 years ago, and since then my longest relationship lasted 4 months. My capability of trusting someone again went down to zero. You mistrust your own judgments, blame yourself that you didn’t or couldn’t see what was going on. If you cannot even trust your own perceptions anymore, then, who CAN you trust?
Omg, that's almost unbelievable. I can't for the life of me see how ppl can be so deceitful. I know what you mean.
I'm so deeply sorry. I can't even imagine what you're going through.
I know it's not easy. But I hope you managed to heal from this. Sending you love.
I understand what you feel like on a technical stage. I’ve been listening to Donovan Sharpe and other “red pill” people. From what DS says, and from what I’ve personally noticed, elsewhere, most men view cheating very differently from most women. A typical man will cheat for different reasons from women, and may even deeply love their wives or girlfriends. They just need variety, in ways women can’t naturally understand, and to understand, probably need to be taught from early adolescence. Women who cheat end up having their “hypergamy” flare up, making them far more likely to leave their man than a cheating husband (yours didn’t leave). So it’s a betrayal to a man that isn’t, from an evolutionary biology perspective, the same the other way around (men don’t have hypergamy). It’s possible that your husband never meant to cause harm to you, and his affairs actually were intended to tap into something primal found in the typical male brain (again, most women aren’t taught this as teens) that translated into increased confidence in a way not found in the female brain, making him become a better husband, parent, leader, etc. Men generally improve as people with promiscuity; women degrade with it. How the man upstairs may view that is another matter.
Fear of trusting anyone again is a big handicap for me as well.
Look at the good side. He died. If not, you would be in a much worse situation.
It is like walking along thinking all is well and then having the ground beneath you disappear.
Betrayal is the worst type of emotional harm that anyone can do to others!!!
I think that's what the Buddha said.
No it is not.Worst thing that somebody can do to you is to steal your life.Betrayal just hurts..it will pass.
@@biljanaapoteka Yes. Taking a life is the worst thing one can do. Betrayal is the worst kind of emotional harm. You have to be alive to experience emotions.
@aliceinabsentia
No, rejection is waay worse than betrayal
@Mint-kj9kw not for me it's not. Pretty much,my whole family rejected me. My own father called me scum. But to be betrayed by the person who I trusted most in the entire world. The hurt,the anger, and the humiliation. Everybody knows and laughs in my face or ignores me. It's indescribable. I want to blow my brains out just to make it stop. But I'm not going to. I'm an SGI Buddhist. I chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo. It's taking everything I've got to keep going. Each day. But my life is innately valuable. So screw them. I'm genuinely sorry that you have been hurt, and I sincerely wish you the best.
"Almost like your house burned down..." So true. Everything is lost and never to be replaced.
I experienced Betrayal Trauma when I was 26 years old, had three little girls, ages 5, 4 and 2 month old. I found out my husband was gay and actually he had brought his “friend” to our home and I caught them in the act. I am now 80 years old, never remarried because I could never trust another man again! It was only through the Grace of God that I was able to led somewhat of a happy life, but it always peeped it’s head again at one time or another! Thank you for doing this video on this! I now have a name for what I experienced!!
Same here my husband was gay and I gave all I had in the marriage I am 71 and just can’t trust anymore
@@karenbalek7193 , I know your pain!! Sending my best to you!
You are inspiring ❤
45 years old and couldn’t even imagine the pain sending virtual love ❤
@@NurseLadyVLOGS , I appreciate your kind words! Thank you!
I was doing this without even realizing it was trauma.The world really needs more trauma informed professionals to work with people through this.
Same, I've been doing this for 2 weeks as a result of a betrayal. Feels good knowing it has a name and I'm not going crazy. Its a natural response to injustice happening to you
Also hope you feel better soon! Wishing you quick recovery x
Me too!!!
@@ha8236 , it is! Sometimes you think you’re going crazy. People tell you to get over it but it’s such a horrible thing to deal with. I would always give people the benefit of the doubt. That’s not always a good thing to do because it’s that one time you do, you get trampled on. I’ve learn through all the hurt I received in my life from people who intentionally hurt me was I felt something off about them and “shook “ it off. I have learn to trust my instincts now and when I have a gut feeling, I trust it! I have gotten away from my tormentor, and that was the beginning for me. Life is so much better. In fact, it’s wonderful, peaceful and I love getting up now. I read a lot about narcissistic people so that I’m more aware of things.
People don’t get it at all.
I could never and will never trust again . I was literally sleeping with the enemy who was smiling in my face every day
❤ I hear you ❤️
I completely understand this. I’m sorry.
My betrayal trauma happened over 20 years ago and I still suffer flashbacks and depression from it. I've been diagnosed with c-ptsd and I definitely think this trauma was one of the most significant.
Same for me!!
This is the first I've heard of betrayaI trauma, but I understand this all too well. I was married for ten years, and by the end, I had nothing left. There were so many times I doubted my husband, and he would make me feel guilty for not trusting him. He'd keep on and on about it and wouldn't let go until I gave in, going against my instinct. Later, I'd find out I was right. For me, this was the worst type of pain experience, and with each lie, the pain was deeper. I suffered from deep, severe depression for years. Thankfully, I made a full recovery.
I had the same thing happen to me. I was married for 9 years. We dated for about 3 yrs before marrying him. I thought he was my dream come through. When I look back now, he did some terrible things in our first year of marriage but I just talked myself into not believing what I saw. When I questioned him, he would tell me that I was seeing things and that I was so insecure. So as time when on, I had this horrible gut feeling he was cheating on me and he was! I remember when it finally sunk in. I wanted to throw up. I was so hurt that I couldn’t even cry. But when I did cry, the cry was so sad that I could hear it in my heart!! To this day, he shrugs it off like it was nothing. This betrayal trauma is a horrible thing to go through. I’ve been divorced since 2005. But the hurt is still there.
Search "reik method"
Thank me later ☺️
Cheryl, thanks for sharing your story... I discovered my husband's betrayal a few months ago, and just a few months into marriage. He had been betraying me for all 8 years of our relationship. I feel like he swindled me into marrying him. If I had found out about this even 1 hour before the wedding I wouldn't have gone through with it. Divorce is even more complicated because in my country if you've bought public housing (80% of the population does) then you're forced to stay in the house as a married couple for minimum 5 years before selling, otherwise you forfeit everything you've paid and have to return the house to the govt at a loss. That huge financial commitment of over half a million dollars is the biggest reason I can't just up and leave. It sucks. I feel so stuck. And the worst part is that I STILL think of my husband as my best friend... ugh.
I'm so glad that you healed from this trauma. If you are willing, please could you share some of the main tips/strategies you employed to recover? I am learning as much as I can to help myself through this. Thank you so much.
@@jayashrishobna where are you from?
Yes this happened to me and I went against my gut instinct and told him why is my instinct strong he convinced me it wasn’t my instinct I was feeling but paranoia and I kept doubting myself I hated myself for a while how I’d let him manipulate me when I knew what manipulation was but he seemed so sincere.
The fact that "no one is dead" but your trauma is the equivalent is a powerful realization. One can't see the effect of the pain your in so they can't see to help.
“ no one is dead” but they might as well be. A mother and son who would willing put their daughter/ sister through that kind of trauma don’t deserve to be a part of her life. They are dead to me.
People going through this kind of emotional pain usually suffer it all alone, not many people noticing, not even friends or family. There’s a death of something but without a corpse….very dreadful!
I feel dead last 6 mnths aa he had a great fn yeae...he is dead literally dead to me for good
@@carmenkamberos1156 This is exactly what I was thinking. The emotional pain is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, at times I worried about my own sanity. If it had not been for having my sons, I think I would have left this planet. It was a death without a corpse, so well said. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it validates exactly how I felt.
I’m so sorry for how you feel. For sure it must be devastating. I think you need to ventilate and have therapy if possible. Thank God you have the boys to look after and keep your mind off the pain for the major part of the day. I’d try a good church that preaches the whole gospel where you can meet people who care and offer clean friendship and support. The Lord Jesús died on the Cross to take our pain and burdens . If we come to him for help and understanding and justice, He will show up and give you healing and peace, most of all, the courage and strength to go ahead in life, for our burdens are too heavy to be carried alone. Give it a try! He is my Saviour and Comforter! Blessings
It took my breath away in a way that I honestly thought I could die from. It happened right during covid to top it off. This person must hate us to have hurt us so much with so much intention.
I agree
Thank you for not being so judgmental about ruminating. It takes quite a while to process the betrayal and eventually, if you really are working on yourself, you will stop. I really appreciate you recognizing that people need to talk about this repeatedly.
I’m trying to get over emotional affair my wife had but I cannot seem to stop ruminating. She didn’t tell me but i accidentally found out years later. Not sure how to get over it but we have kids so at least I’m around to see them grow up.
Going over years and years of memories and reevaluating and noticing details that you didn't recognize before but now are pieces of the puzzle... and then now having those puzzle pieces, going over the memories again and finding even more puzzle pieces... And again... It's very time-consuming. Like being a detective trying to figure out what your life was, combing over evidence looking for clues.
I ruminate all the time and i hate it but cant help it.
I’m stuck living with my betrayer so I can keep a roof over my sons head. Thank you for validating me. It’s so encouraging to see I am not alone!!!!!
I understand your financial issues trust me. However, is this the best for your son? I’ve stayed when I should have left many times. But I hope the best for you.
I understand having to stay for financial reasons and our son is 22….we live in Denver, it’s expensive. And staying is pure hell.
Same boat. I'm disabled now. He had me sign all assets over time. I want it better...
I am so sorry you are going through it. My mom is in a similar situation. She is with my dad just to keep a roof over our heads. And honestly, their relationship messed me up as well. It's very heartbreaking, and crushes you day and night. Worst of all, all members of my mom's side of family side with my dad.
@@susancoomes2785 Sometimes the other option is living on the streets. Try not to make her feel worse.
My Betrayal Trauma was BOTH the worst yet the best thing I ever experienced. It caused _My AWAKENING_
🙌🧡 me too!
@@Pattybluehayespeace and Light. Trauma is a gift it depends on HOW you choose to _use IT_
It doesn't matter how long you know someone; they can still stab you in the front and watch you bleed out. Be careful who you "let in". Guard your heart, to sound cliche.
It doesn't need to be long periods of betrayal to deeply be affected. One shocking event is all it takes or took for me to be emotionally sent into these years of pain and confusion.
I agree. My father only physically assaulted me 3x in my life - age 11, 16, and 18 - but each one was a betrayal trauma for me and to this day I don't know or understand why I was the only one of his 3 kids that he physically hurt. Neither of the other 2 ever had 1 finger laid on them in anger. But I was shoved to the ground, off the bed, and into a wall, and I'm black-labeled as the worst child on Earth for not acting as if he did nothing wrong. I'm 36 now, and I understand now that the reason the final assault practically broke my brain in half is because I knew without having the words that this time and the 2x before were never just him "losing his temper" - these episodes were just the ugly, dark truth-revealing moments when the switch on his charm-act flipped off and his real self, the Malignant Narcissist, was laid bare.
I agree
Yep. My betrayal event seems tiny in comparison to what some people here have experienced, but when she said, 'it's like your house burned down'... oh yeah. My house was razed.
Due to betrayal over and over from people around me, let it be family, friends, colleagues etc, as well as being a trauma survivor in childhood: bullying and abuse, I no longer socialize, make new friends etc. because I don’t trust people!
I don't either. At all. Its made me into someone that doesn't even want to try to meet anyone at all. Even my own mother has betrayed me.
Every single person has betrayed me so I am standoffish with most people. Life is better without the hassle of others. I enjoy my own company.
Me too.
This is me 💔
Me 2. I get lonely but my health is better
I have gone through this, and the best way I can describe how it feels is like soul murder. That person/ life you had is violently taken from you. What a wonderful clinician. She totally gets it. I went to two different therapists after it happened to me and both of them re-traumatized me. My healing came from Jesus and reading God’s word. You can recover from this shattering event, and even feel joy again. God redeems and uses all things in your life for good. Be blessed. ❤️
Through my Christian teachings, it can feel like a "spiritual murder", when a person deliberately and greatly hurts someone's heart who is devoted to them with lies and deceptions, even though their partner knows the truth. Nonetheless, justice will be done. God will ensure that it will happen. Oftentimes, it is the person they were hurting their partner for, who turns around and hurts them even worse, so they come running back to the person they hurt. Poetic justice in a nutshell.
It’s not ‘Jesus’ or a ‘god’ doing it, it’s your mind and you should recognize it and give yourself kudos for your personal achievement.
@@DulceN Well, we all have our different opinions. I just happen to be a woman of faith whom God has blessed with discernment, insight, and emotional intelligence to spot when someone's words are not aligning with their behavior.
It really hurts when your pastor throws you under the bus. I thought that a shepherd was to protect the sheep, not stand aside and watch the narcissistic wolves within the flock have their way. I pray that God will have mercy on him but I think that he will discover soon enough that they will be turning on him as well.
@@laundrymatters8364 I am sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, we must be careful because not everyone who claims to be a Christian or minister is truly a faithful one. Also, not everyone is able to detect people who have Npd, Bpd, Bipolar disorder, other personality and mood disorders, and comorbid or co-occurring disorders. Oftentimes, many fall for their false personas and end up hurting quite a number of people by betraying them before they discover who they are really dealing with. Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter, and Dr. Todd Grande are experts on personality and mood disorders and can help many who need their guidance in these matters.
I didn't know what to call it until now. After 7 years of marriage, what I considered my first healthy loving relationship, he got his citizenship in May, filed for divorce in June, divorce was finalized in July, and he was remarried to a lady he brought over from his home country by September. His sister actually came up to me and thanked me for "helping" her brother out, for sacrificing 7 years of my life so he could bring his betrothed over here. That was 13 years ago, and I'm still not really over it because while we were married, those were the best years of my life, and to learn that it was all a big cover up, a lie...and that even 13 years later I still miss him, and I hate myself for that.
My heart hurts for you
Omg! This is so horrible, I’m so sorry you went through that
@@Quezadashian_ Thank you
@@TheKingwalker22 Thank you
Don't beat yourself up about that. Your life isn't over. It's still perfectly possible to have more amazing years ahead of you. He didn't deserve you ❤️
My Mom used to say "if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger."
One day I realized that means, that all this time, in all these cases,
she's been trying to kill me.
that is funny
@@user-lp9ou1hf4e what? No it isn’t!
It's like trying to align two very different people in your head as the same person, and trying to accept that that person has been hurting you and lying to you that entire time. Depending on their position in your life, it really can feel like your house just burnt down. Like someone died but is still alive as someone that doesn't love you and you've just found out that they never did.
THIS
That's exactly how I felt when I discovered my boyfriend of 10 years had cheated on me more than once during the course of our relationship. Faced with incontrovertible evidence, I had to sever our connection. For months I struggled with the question - how do I mourn what never existed?
Yes ..2 different people....my mother didn't die but changed personalities when I was a young child....shock, confusion and grief and trust violated xx
You said that well 👍🏼
It's worse when you want to erase someone from your memory, but everything he or she does is part of his or her constructing a narrative in which he or she was born only to betray you and is betraying you at the moment.
Is there any doubt that betrayal is versatile enough to be some people's only ingredient, their only pots/pans, and their recipe?
It's like betraying yourself after you promised to try to ensure that it would be impossible to cross paths with that individual [or rather, suspect].
Yup. Happened to me. FAMILY... even my very own mother. Trauma doesn't even cover it. I will never be the same.
Having it come from someone as close as your mother is incredibly hard to process. I hope you find peace through your healing.
Soo sad.. Same here with my family.. They turned out to be something else from wat I believed them to be! 😞😏
I experienced the same. We will never be the same, but hopefully we can transform the agony into something better. With love.
The day the betrayal finally came to light … I knew I would never be the same. It’s been almost impossible still 10 months later to stop blaming myself off and on, seems easier than believing the truth. He’s never batted an eye.
It's worse when it's you're own mom.
This just happened to me. My husband of 27 years cheated on my with my next door neighbor. It's heart wrenching. I saw texts between the two of them and still he is blaming me and won't take any responsibility. My kids and I are devastated and feel so betrayed.
❤. Been there. You are not alone. I hope you find you oeace
28 yrs of pain and suffering because she was playing games, betrayed my trust, robbed me of a future with a family of my own. 49yrs young and it hurts like it was yesterday.
I'm sorry. Hope you get better. Hey, 49 ... You can still have that family. Wish you healing. All the best.
“Talk about it again and again and again” Yoo she gets it.
I think anyone who gets discarded abruptly by a Narcissist, Sociopath, or Psychopath goes through Betrayal Trauma.
Yes!!!!
Absolutely!!!
My beloved adult son and I were quite close. At age 30 he married a narcissist. I just thought she was cold and OCD. Tried everything. I tried so hard to get closer to her. They labeled me as “unbalanced.” I’ve only seen my son and darling Granddaughter a handful of times in the last seven years. I had to put up huge boundaries before I could begin healing. In many ways I am forever changed.
@@stephanieknowles7586 I'm so sorry. That's horrible that happened to you and your son. Hopefully one day your son will see her for what she really is and you can become close again with him and with your granddaughter.
I was the one that left, because I had been in therapy and recognized the signs. It still hurts!
After 18 years of marriage and 4 daughters, my husband walked out. At that point, going forward, I believe EVERYTHING he has ever said to me from the time we met until present, all lies. Lost my husband and our house in a matter of 5 months and no family support.
One day we will find out why… 25 yr for me and four children .. he waited until the last one left for college and wanted a divorce --I was unable to function for 8 months, my sister had to literally take care of me… I have remained lost ever since … hugs to you 💔🙏
Going on 10 years and still cant shake marital indfidelity. I will never be the same inside, I'm convinced a part of me actually died. This is the worst thing one can do to another........everything is a trigger and the reminders never cease, shes right about that..shes on point for what shes saying.
I would classify my current state as "Controlled Chaos"....
I feel you. Mine didn’t even actually sleep with anyone, as far as I know, just a series of emotional affairs and I’m 14 years into ruminating and waking up in the middle of the night from bad dreams. Sometimes I feel like I’m being ridiculous for still feeling it and other times I feel like an idiot for staying with her.
If you want to talk it out, go ahead and dump bro I’m listening.
I had not heard about Betrayal Trauma before today. And I have suffered from this for 18 years, after a hideous divorce from a malignant narcissist. It helps to have a term and framework for what I experienced at the end of a 16- year marriage. Thank you so much!
This is the first I’ve heard of this term too. My betrayal trauma happened over 15 years ago with my husband. I felt like the very foundation of my belief system and how the world worked was shaken to the ground. I still suffer with it. The therapist I had for a short time after that said I had PTSD. But “betrayal trauma” is probably more accurate. Things from this betrayal just kept coming at me so fast and so often I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. It’s a horrible, devastating feeling. Finally for me to move on I had to realize the man I thought I knew was dead, and I grieved him. Even though he was/is very much physically alive.
Ditto! Looks like a new work popped up for that feeling like reality has
Completely shifted. Destabilizing…. Ha! 😅
My sister was such a blessing. Such a narcissist, almost ruined the whole family. I am glad I got to see that the first 18 years of my life. When I left I realized not everybody was like her and that made me so happy. I can't tell if she's a narc or a socio....
You have a spammer on her attempting to sell shrooms with a link. I reported 2
Ditto and I have never heard the term either. The kids and I have PTSD and Narcs are the gifts from Hell that keep on giving.
Yeah this makes sense. My husband out of the blue after 16 years of marriage wanted out. It hit me like a tonn of bricks. Then i found out after the divorce he was telling other people for years that he wanted out. I felt like my world had turned upside down. This was 21 years ago. Dr Ramani really gets this, thank you so much for the validation 💝
I could have written most of your post. Hugs from someone who understands.
@@jenynz5334 me too, survived 37 years of him NONstop cheating....I stayed for the 3 children...I'm free now.
For us, it is unimaginable to do the things they do. I love that we have lived to tell about it. I lived with a guy who I caught cheating on me and his response was to tell me he had a child. Yup, while living with me...but then he said maybe it wasn't his. Seriously, he should have just stopped talking. I left and never found out. It sucks....the damage they do, is there even many years later.
Survivors of childhood sexual abuse from a beloved family member is a highly complex betrayal trauma. I question to this day whether the pre assault loving attention and making me feel special was grooming all along? I continue my healing journey 50 years later. I am greatful for the love that I have in my life and the peace of knowing I as a child was not responsible for what happened to me. Radically accepting that my parents truly failed to protect me and help me heal because of their own mental health dilemmas has helped me to forgive them in their elderly years . Mental health therapy saved my life. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
I’d have to think that sexual betrayal by a family member is worse than by a spouse. I will never understand the mind behind such behavior except demonic influences. This has to be so traumatic.
Can we expect to ever recover fully, to regain trust and joy in people? I went through my father's death and partner's betrayal simultaniously. It was hell
My god-daughter had her step-father hit her and her mom took his side. Even with visible bruises, she backed him up. I believe this betrayal trauma was the cause of her suicide. We tried to help her, but the trauma was so deep, she could not even talk about it.
😢
That just hurts my heart 😔
I AM SO SORRY!!! 💔
I hate when women stick by the man instead of their blood relative. No matter what that alleged guy is offering. I wonder why some women do this. I keep seeing it over and over again.
I'm so sorry.❤️
9 years I was cheated on and I suspected it and kept asking and kept being lied to and gaslit. They would say I was untrusting and how my anxiety about it was the reason our relationship had so many issues. Then after they broke up with me I found out they had been cheating on me the whole relationship. Certain friends knew and they would smile in my face knowing. They hold to the lie that they didn't cheat to this day but my doctor confirmed it. The hurt of someone watching your mental health deteriorate to the point where you are suicidal and to still be doing it to you is something I just will never understand
Try to understand.
It is knowledge about people.
I experienced the exact same
How are you doing? I just now came across your post. I hope you were able to find some peace
They are psychopaths. Sick and dishonest.
Some people who can’t admit to what they know is a moral failing, then by definition, are “ blinded “ to the impact that failing has on others
4 months after betrayal trauma by my husband of 34 years I was just brutally judged and dumped by my best friend of 40 years. She told me my feelings about my husbands affair and declaration he hadn’t loved me for years (2 months after celebrating our 30 year wedding anniversary and being told I was the love of his life and he was so happy we were still together after everything we have been through because I have stage four cancer.) were “weird” and I have a “victim mentality.”
She said my philosophy of life was to ask “why me” and be a victim. When I got stage 4 cancer I didn’t ask “why me?” once, in fact I told people “why not me? Why should I be immune?” She KNOWS about me and yet she said this.
One year ago she suddenly dumped her fiancé just one month after buying a house together and starting wedding planning.
If you met this woman you would think she is one of the worlds best people. She comes across as kind and compassionate and subscribes to a lot of Buddhist philosophy. She is trained in trauma informed care. And yet she did this.
The pain is excruciating at times but I have to keep realizing I don’t really know her and apparently didn’t really know my husband either. How do these people
live with themselves?
I.hope you are healing from the cancer and your betrayal! She sounds miserable. Thank God both of those snakes are out of your life!
Sounds so similar to what happened to me😢I’ll never be the same again, if you ever want to chat/text might help us both:)feel like I’m in the twilight zone and I just got diagnosed with stage 4 heart failure:(
My current issue. As a therapist myself, I'm not exempt from the rocks life can throw. My child's father pretended to be someone who was financially stable and independent. I discovered while pregnant that he actually never lived alone, he always lived with his parents, and that he isn't financially stable. He kept a good face for a while. I tried to stick it out and eventually left before I had a trauma bond. I seriously hate that we have to communicate due to our child. He's convinced his support system that I'm the enemy when I've done nothing wrong. I consistently ruminate on how did I get here and not following my gut.
My ex husband turned out to be a psychopath. Our whole marriage he was backstabbing me while I trusted him completely. He gambled away all our money (I left with nothing) and I had no idea until the end and then somehow tried to make out it was my fault, dragged me through court, bullied me and our kids. Six years later I don't think I can ever trust a man ever again and I analyse everything about everyone - I watch their speech and actions - I meet in order to figure out their character. I would give Freud and Sherlock Holmes a run for their money but no one will ever be able to screw me ever again.
I'm with ya. The first time I thought must be a fluke, but the second brought it home. Even though I think there might be a chance to have a healthy intimate relationship, I am simply not willing to trust enough for that.
I don't think there's enough focus on survivors of gambling addicted partners. Terribly traumatic
I hear you
I think too, when you struggle with this type of trauma, it also stirs up self betrayal. Like how did I betray myself so badly. Why did I abandon myself? For me, not only is being betrayed by everyone you ever trusted, but also betraying yourself. It’s such a painful journey.
thank you for this.
It gets better - 10+ years out and life is good. You will be You!
Yes. I hear you.
She is talking about me. I'm so glad I found this in my feed. I know I have been grieving for years, but had no idea why or what it's called. One day husband tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. During and after the divorce, found out he had several affairs and one produced a child. I was devastated. After the divorce it felt like someone died in my family even though he didn't. It has been 20 years and I still can't trust and feel like a fool. I was beginning to think I was the only one this happens to.
It happens in so many circles.
It happens were ever there a people.
Mourning a living mother and a living father, cousins and uncles and siblings gone too early by their own hands, and everyone carries on like it's not horrific. That such complicated grief😢 to live with while having your own ptsd.
I was just beginning to find the strength to emerge into public and hold up my head after my husband of 25 years left me suddenly and discovering that he had engaged in serial infidelity of every nature. I joined a group of women for lunch and one had just lost a husband to death. When I reached out to her as a way of having something in common, she said "My husband died. You can't possibly compare that to you." It felt like I had been thrown suddenly backwards against a wall. I now know that it is better to just never share anything about my life with anyone.
I'm really sorry you had that experience. I've actually lived both sides of that coin. Both experiences were painful and rearranged my World. Pain is pain, however inflicted and this lady seems to have been trying to imply some moral superiority to her situation. It's totally a false comparison and bogus on her part. There are still good people out there, enough to make life bearable. So many friendly seeming people are really in mere acquaintance mode and we discover that when authenticity and vulnerability are attempted. I've had my share of thinking there was more to a person than was actually there. I've got one blessed, good friend and feel fortunate after years of mere acquaintance. A friend will find you, too.
Death is easier to deal with than extreme betrayal. I've experienced both.
I am with you. It takes someone to experience betrayal to acknowledged what you saying is true. Its like loosing someone to death because they are and will never be with you. And only you know that and of course others who experienced betrayal.
No sweetie you're just sharing with the wrong people.💜🤟🏽💜
You learn to feel the energy of everybody in a room, no matter how many people are in it, it's exhausting. When you get through it you will feel superhuman, and you will get through it.
I’ve not been able to date or form romantic relationships for over 7 years since. I lost both my best friend since I was 14, and partner for 7 years in the same person at once. I can’t even handle being in the same city. Nothing has ever hurt as much as that betrayal when I lost my entire support & love. He did it in the worst way, becoming both physically & mentally abuse the last 6 months while cheating.
THIS is important. Discussing the trauma of betrayal. So many have experienced it, and it has impacted so many lives. More content like this, please.
This happened to me 30 years ago. Very public and humiliating. I had no idea it had a name until now. Thank you for shining a light.
Bless you Dr. Ramani. Your description is so exact , so accurate. It is so painful to discover your life had been poisoned by a narcissistic spouse humiliating you by constantly cheating
during so many "blind" years.
.
Wife of 14 years left our daughter and me for someone else. Been healing for a year and a half now.
Bless you.
You will get through this, keep working on yourself, love your daughter and heal together
My mom set herself up as the only arbiter of true and false, right and wrong. I recently realised she was abusing my dad. She didn't just do it in front of me, she involved me in it and she used every tool a mother has over her children to make me think he was worthless and to blame him for everything. The sense of betrayal is absolute and I don't know what to do about it.
how's your dad now ?
@@user-ki2ft6ot6v much better thanks! He's traveling the world and is much happier
Did he cheat on her early on? You may not know all secrets.
@@ant-ekay7215 no he didn't
At 68 years old I finally got up the nerve to ask my mother about my older brother sexually abusing me from age 5 to 13. She calmly told me that she knew about it for years , but had to protect and support my brother. My brother died shortly after and my mother died at 98 recently. I am now 73 and did not grieve her death at all. It was a relief.Grieving after her admission took me years. Our relationship ended completely that day.my entire extended family sided with my brother and mother and never spoke to me again as my mother told the story of how cruel I was to even though there was never an actual argument. Fortunately I am blessed with a loving wonderful partner in my husband of 34 years.
Friendship betrayals are also terrible. I have experienced those more than once and let me tell you it is as hard as a romantic relationship betrayal trauma. I'd say even more because chances are you thought that was your "chosen family", like the safe space u thought it would be... Until you get to know the truth.
I’ve experienced this too. It’s so painful.
It was mortifying for me and i so desperately waited to be saved, only to realize i was being scrutinized because people wanted me to suffer and die because of how strange i am. I had to "abandon" and verbally disapprove of myself afterwards occasionally so i could keep me from suffering through mental seperation - (something they also attacked me for). It was human degneracy at its finest
Absolutely true.
Oh my goodness, yes it is incredibly painful
@@beablooming Or you just lack social awareness.
Just imagine finding out the love of your life has been unfaithful for years, AND learning that every one else knew the entire time.
I'm living this now. All the lies are coming to light everyday. Eight years of a fake life.
I remember when my mother informed me my sister had been talking bad about me behind my back for years, and I felt truly shocked and betrayed, bc I had always thought she was my friend. Boy were my eyes opened.
I have a lot of sympathy and empathy for the homeless people who talk to themselves ruminating on past traumas and this just brought me a LOT closer to putting into words what I've instinctually known about this. They needed someone to let them repeat themselves without invalidation and nobody showed them the patience. That's exactly what's been happening to me and I feel myself heading in that direction.
:'( .. I'm there .. I hope you find someone ...
I'm not homeless .. but I am very much alone, broken .. much as I vent online .. I don't trust ANYONE .. I can't. Pretty confident now if I Started to trust any human it would just be a matter of time ..
I Hope you find someone soon. You don't want to end up like me. :(
I resent my 2 cats .. because they hold me to this fkn world. That's where I am.
@@LindaLouise625 so sorry 😢 me too
That’s deep.
Same. No one to really talk to sio I find myself talking to the walls. Afraid to trust now.
I'm so sorry to see people that feel like they can't trust anyone anymore. I was cheated on and it was a whopper. Not the usual sneaking around, no he brought a girl half our age home to me to befriend and I fell for the sheer boldness of it initially. All because I couldn't fathom the extent of lies and believed it had never crossed the sexual line when I figured it out. It had, he lied tons more. Still lies since i kicked him out. I know I don't trust him and shouldn't have given him another chance when i first found out. i have a very small circle, but I do have some people I can trust. One good friend who is always there for me and listens to me repeat and is patient. Please don't let that person who betrayed you steal your life and steal your ability to trust. Haven't they done enough and taken enough w/ you just having to deal w/ the pain? Don't give them that too.
Yes my wife betrayed me repeatedly over many years. Not just sexually but also financially. I feel like myself worth is destroyed and I don't trust anyone, even though I want to trust again. The layers of pain seem never-ending.
I’ve been going through this for 6 years now, and I keep finding out more and the person who I married isn’t the person I thought they were. It’s very mentally exhausting.
The finding out more part is awful because then you start ruminating all over from the beginning with the new information inserted. Back to square one but worse . I’m dealing with that right now. Good luck to you and I hope you find a brighter world and one that makes sense on the other side of this.
Betrayal. The worst thing ever, especially by a Narc. When you can forgive, you really transcend ✨❤️🔥
I think this can honestly happen after you've been through multiple betrayals by different people- one after the other. For example, growing up only to realize your family had a narcissistic dynamic and a parent cheated on the other and you were really close to them. Only to get out of that family system to get into relationships that end out of the blue and you realize the person you were with wasn't who they said they were and now you have to deal with being lied to your whole life by most people who come into it. Really just makes you want to go out and make all the friends 😂
Thats life in real life 😅 ha
@@SenseiXion 😂😂
Betrayal and disappointment seem to happen over and over again to so many of us. Is it best to have acquaintances only with zero expectations of others? That is where I am at. I own that I am far from perfect and have contributed to my problematic relationships. But I have decided I will only have expectations of myself and not others. Hopefully that will ease some of the pain. Once I am able to accept myself as enough I will have the ability to spend time with others without expecting them to fulfill my needs. When I encounter those who do not share my standards/boundaries, I will be less devastated. I will have so many other inner resources that I will simply say too bad and move on.
Our parents did not put us first and now we are trying to make other people make up for their failure. This is not to blame our parents. However, we need to understand what happened to us as kids so that we can learn how to cope better as adults. We were victims as children. We did not have a choice. Now we have a choice. We think people should meet our needs and are outraged and hurt when they don't. Therefore, we blame others and see ourselves as victims. That is the source of our pain. I am going to do my best to fix me because I do not want the job of fixing others. Besides, it is an impossible task.
Please do not misunderstand, your parents and many other people have done things for which they should shoulder blame. This includes ourselves. There is a difference between blame that wants retribution and blame that places responsibility for a wrong where it belongs. Both types of blame point a finger and rightfully so. The former continues to damage. The latter offers the offender (and possibly the injured party as well) the opportunity to take responsibility for bad behavior and is the beginning of healing for all involved. Unfortunately, according to many authorities it is unrealistic to expect others to reach this point of awareness at the same time as you, if they ever do. So be there for those who are there with you. Move on from those who can't be there for you. That is all you can do. Be true to you.
"This above all : To thine own self be true
And it must follow, as the night the day
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
Thank you, dear Shakespeare. Such simple and important advice. It is not too late, dear ones.
@@nancybartley4610 You've nailed it.
@@lorraineoback4962 Thanks, Lorraine. I suspect most readers pass over my verbose comments and rightly so as they probably don't pertain to most readers. Perhaps I am selfishly using the comment section to work out an understanding of my childhood trauma and how to live with it. If it helps others to work out theirs in someway, then I am glad to have helped. I really do believe that ultimately that may be the only thing that gives life meaning: offering a hand along the way to our fellow travelers on life's difficult journey. (Jordan Peterson helped me with that last realization.) I wish you well and hope you find what makes your journey work best for you.
This resonates with me. I can't even think about my sister and what she did without instant anxiety, it literally makes me sick. She changed my life and other relationships in ways I don't know how I'll ever get past. I closed my circle down tight.
Silence is a very hurtful betrayal.
I lived through over 30 yrs of betrayal. I ended up with severe depression major anxiety panic attacks and dissociative personality. I was seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist for over 2yrs .
I am grateful to have found these video's when I did. After years of betrayal trauma from a covert narcissist husband, I stopped blaming myself and started doing my own Self Help through healing my Childhood Trauma which lead me to my Spiritual Path of Self. It opened the door for me to walk through and seek the answers I so needed for myself. I have been on this Journey navigating my way to heal the trauma for 5 years, still in the marriage with light at the end of the tunnel. I am planning my escape plan for me and both of my kids. Sending hugs to those who are healing their trauma. You are not alone.
Thinking of you. I’ve been there.
Don’t look back. Your future depends on it as well as your childrens.
You got this!
I really feel for you because that’s exactly what I’m going through at the moment. I’m still trying to decide whether to stay or leave.
I needed this video. I was in a relationship with someone who was just using me. We eventually had a child together and when I caught that person in a lie, they cleaned our joint account and took $83,000 from me. My savings for a house I was in escrow for. Then moved and started sending money to women and even gave one money to start a business. All while I figure out how to make it and take care of the child they abandon and don’t support. I can’t even get child support because nobody knows where this guy is. I feel like a fool.
"Fundamental truths in their lives have been utterly violated"
Bravo well put 👋
💯
This woman is exceptionally intelligent and deserves more praise in modern day. The information she shares and her take on these subjects is worth its weight in gold
Betrayal trauma is When my dad told my teenage son that I was a 40 year old failure 💔 it broke my heart.
I was a golden child and then scapegoated when I gave birth to my first baby. My whole life was thrown off when my parents who would’ve been my support became distant, critical and started punishing me. I got into contact with my sisters to find out that my parents were narcissists and it shook me to my core. I have been quite obsessive with trying to understand what my life has been. Not to mention, I am dealing with other betrayals in my family. I had a therapist for a couple weeks who basically told me I am obsessive. Just glad to hear that I am not an odd duck with this and what I am going through can be explained.
I was also the G.C. and then scapegoated....the narc grand parents literally stole my daughter from me. I feel you pain....God bless you.
Hopu dumped the therapist....!!
You were the golden child your siblings were scapegoated their whole childhood. Then it happened to you later in life
I hope you got rid of that therapist. I’ve been in your shoes, still kinda am. Its mind boggling to me how people do this to their own children. Sending you love ❤
Trauma is something that disturbs you, rocks you to your core.
When it's your kid's that betray you your never the same person after that!! Even if you are able to finally speak to them again it's never the same as before!! The trust can't be rescued, and you question every single thing they do or say. This is what I'm finding out right now! . Sad but true.
Finding out your child / any relative is no longer trustworthy and worse still that they are dangerous is really quite insurmountable. Still you somehow feel to blame even though you had no control over the people who taught them how to covertly live on the wrong side of the law.
Be true to what you sense within ❤🙏🏾
This is so life consuming it falls into every interaction and even small things can trigger it
Every single thing they said! This was so validating. My husband cheated on me for many years and the worst I found out about was with his own sister. I found out when she told me they had a child together that was 2 months younger than our second child. We were pregnant at the same time and of all his sisters me and her were the closest. She told me I was stupid for not realizing after over 10 years. I've been through a roller coaster of emotions and all while dealing with his psychopathic energy. Some days I dont know left from right but I refuse to give up because I have 3 beautiful babies and I know life can be so much better now that I have a restraining order and will be getting a divorce within the next year. Thanks to my support circle and Dr. Ramani for helping me to clear some of this fog. Keep the videos coming, they especially help us who cannot afford therapy.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this twisted experience. They’re the SICK ones, remember that.
Absolutely GROSS! I am so SORRY you had to endure this! May God protect you and your babies and lead you out of this nightmare! Amen
@@georgiaisom6347 Thank you 🙏🏾
@@NopeNotTodaySatan Thank you 🙏🏾
Oh God, Stephanie girl, I am so, so sorry. That is some story. There's this scene in Forest Gump they are walking and Jenny comes upon the house where her father had molested her and she just suddenly starts pelting rock after rock after rock until she is spent and just dissolves into tears and Forest Gump voice says: Sometimes there just isn't enough rocks". It's a grief that shatters you. My betrayal was similar not identical to yours and my rage was so overwhelming I would go to sleep at night just to escape it And they are so cavilier about it like it's no big deal. Oh I thought you would have guessed! . I wish you the very best on your journey with your 3 beautiful children. God bless.
11 years with another woman and then denied it after discovered. Divorced him and he became the victim blaming everyone for the behavior. I'm learning who I am going forward and happy being alone. Trust is hard to believe in again but I'll get there.
Thank you for this. It is a deep grief and a great loss to lose a person you thought existed - but never really did. To lose a life that you had - that never really was. I’ve had to examine things about myself that was able to exist in a 25 year facade - thinking it was reality. I feel like I was in the Truman show. Shame, guilt, embarrassment- on top of grief. And to watch the same person carry on and work his way with my adult children who are also desperate for a dad who doesn’t really exist - is another painful part. He uses anyone and everyone in his life to fill a void inside himself. The problem is - It’s exhilarating when it’s you that he needs - but devastating when you realize you are simply a commodity. Thank you for validating the very real trauma around this. It’s a brutal journey to recovery- and - lonely. After 25 years - my world was his world. Picking up the pieces and building a new life is the hardest work that I’ve had to do in my life. God bless those surviving this kind of deep betrayal- May God grant us the courage, strength and wisdom to rebuild and thrive. Sometimes I feel like Neo coming out of the matrix. Coming to terms with reality as it is -and not how you had imagined it - or how it was presented to - is not for the faint hearted. 🙏🏼💪🏼I have likened it to coming out of a cult.
Truly excellent comments and very true, every word. Every single word.
This happened to me a decade ago…a very public break up and I was treated terribly by many people after which I thought was worse than the original deceit. I was angry and ruminated over the betrayal for years and people got sick of it. I got sick of myself. But i was conscious of grieving and getting it out of my system but I did think it would have been easier if he had died. I grieved a relationship based on lies and questioned everything. That’s life altering.
The friends taking sides is the worst.
@@ddub2801 yes, I’m very selective about my friends now and keep a much smaller group of close friends who I’m lucky to have in my life. Nothing surprises me about people with their agendas and egos now which is a shame.
Why were ppl treating you horribly??
Described the situation perfectly. The hyper awareness, questioning everything and everyone. The diabolical scheming and prolonged betrayal methods can be so much worse than physical abuse. No one can see your bruises and scars, therefore they have no idea how to help you heal. The psychological aspect and effects of prolonged betrayal can destroy a person. Feeling like no one understands, nor wants to hear your need to vent and release, can isolate a person even further. That leads to more damage. Thank you for bringing light to this specific topic, Dr. Ramani. Knowing you’re not alone is at least some consolation.
This is what I told my ex when I found out he had several girlfriends over the years we'd been married: it was all a facade. It's fake and I have no idea who you are 😞
One thing not mentioned is how people planning to betray you in a brutal way often wait until other situations in your life are falling apart before they strike. You are left dealing with not only the utter disbelief that this person you love has secretly despised you all this time and taken active steps to undermine and hurt you, but the additional trauma of having the remainder of your life coming unpinned at the same time. It often seems to set in motion catastrophe after catastrophe, any one of which you might have been able to deal with under normal circumstances, but impact you so much more when you are already in a state of shocked devastation.
The more we learn, the more we heal. Thank you.
Truth!!🙏
I have what you call betrayal trauma ever since I realised my ex covert malignant narcissist right from the first day of our relationship was a predator/prey relationships. It explains so much.
Knowing that I was married to evil causes a lot of trauma which is hard to recover from.
It is just awful to go through this. It is hard to recover but totally doable. I was in one after another and had no idea what I was dealing with. It helps to understand it has nothing to do with you at all. Nothing about you brought that person's evil behaviour onto you. They are endarkened and have serious issues that is up to them to deal with, which they usually don't. We don't know what we don't know, until we do.
I haven’t heard anyone describe what I was going through so perfectly. To add to my trauma, I have a narcissistic mother who made things worse for me because she compared my husband’s betrayal to her and my dad’s relationship and dismissed my feelings, and my husband told me basically everyone he knows has his back and would be on his side (which I found out that almost everyone I talked to about it either took his side or told me I was just ridiculous because I was so upset about his lies and deceit). It made me hate the world, I lost my faith, I lost my confidence, I lost my love and trust in myself… I’m a shell of who I was.
I recently was betrayed by a large part of my mother's family when we put our mother on hospice. I moved in to take care of her. They didn't agree and were very vocal and ugly about it. One family member who I had been close to and confided in turned on me and essentially placed me in danger. I had never heard of trauma betrayal but just did a search hoping something helpful would pop up. Thank you so much. So glad to know I am not alone.