@@truthteller113 Being a victim in a relationship with a narcissist took its toll but there was a point where I realized that part of taking control over my life again is learning to forgive myself and be more kind towards myself. Good luck 👍
The ability the narcissist has to shut feelings and emotions off is mind blowing especially for the victim. Before I knew he was narcissistic I would say its not normal to shut love on and off, you can disagree and be upset with your loved one but you don't just stop loving them......the problem with narcissists is that they never loved you in the first place, it was all an illusion. I lived in constance confusion and fear.
Exactly! My ex husband used to always project about me not loving him unconditionally but he was the one that would “love” me only on certain conditions and then treat me like his worst enemy when things didn’t go his way whether I was aware of it or not. It’s absolutely not a way of being and I would rather be alone than have any semblance of that in a future relationship. Not worth it at all!
Yes. After two and a half years of being in a relationship, he just shut me out. I asked if he ever really loved me. He looked at me with the cold eyes of a killer and said, I don’t believe in that stuff.
@@malaikavida Mine was a year and a half. He told me how much he loved me, looking in my eyes, etc a few weeks before he discarded. Then tells me he isn’t in love with me. When I asked him why he told me he went on and on and how much he loved me and would even do counseling...he looked at me with a bored look and said “when was that?”. They are assholes. Glad I’m not with that evil anymore.
Narcissists have different purposes for different sources. One to look after the home/stability and security, one for sex, one to go to dinner with. They compartmentalise their relationships.
this one hits home. I was the side chick to someone who said he wasn't in a real marriage. He said it was fake and that she paid him to marry her to get US citizenship. So everything he told me was that it was not a real marriage. But he would have sex with her and I would ask him why didn't he feel guilty and he would say because she's my wife. It was the most bizarre and disturbing and anxiety inducing relationship I've ever been in. I'm glad I'm out.
A narcissist might have separate ‘compartments’ for you, his girlfriend(s), his work relationships, his family life, his guy friends, his time at the gym or in the band or at the bar or home alone at his apartment. Then, when it’s convenient, he just moves in and out of the little rooms like a snake, carefully closing the door behind him when he arrives and also locking it tight when he leaves. He might be giving you the silent treatment while hanging out in the compartment next door and you won’t even know it. Or he can be having a regular sex life with three different women who all think that they’re his only girlfriend. When a person is a pathological liar and has no empathy, sympathy, guilt, or remorse, compartmentalization is the way to go!
Yes, I thought it was strange that he wouldn’t think to include me in vacation plans. I had to explain that this is abnormal for a committed relationship of over two years.
Yeah, and husband convinced me go into the hospital for a procedure the day before/after Christmas (can't remember which), so he could spend the "near holiday" with his concubine. Of course, he kept that a secret. But at one point he mentioned that he was good at compartmentalization. I feel angry and betrayed just thinking about this skill he leaveraged against me. I didn't have not much knowledge about how to protect myself at the time. It's hard, it's really hard to win when you feel paralyzed from shock, disbelief, and feel defeated. Thankfully, I managed to escape. However, the divorce process has been VERY long and VERY challenging.⚖️
My wife was the master of maintaining her Street Angel image..loved by all...but when the door closed welcome home the house devil...This used to exhaust me and blow my mind.
Yes, and then if you try to seek help and support, no one from the outside can believe you because they've only seen the mask... so sorry for what you've had to go through.
Yea I feel like the fact that can choose when and where they act this way says they are very much in control, its not just like losing their temper in the heat of the moment not that that's an excuse either but controlled just seems more intentional and messed up.
I learnt to compartmentalize as a way of survival in my narcissistic marriage. It is something I find hard to break even now that I'm out. I don't trust people around me enough not to compartmentalize.
Basically, you’re letting the narcissist win by becoming him and taking on his habits, sis. I did it, too. Let it go. You’re supposed to have feelings. It’s what you do with those feelings that counts. ✊🏾
This goes with yesterday's vid about Narc fleas. We mirror those we spend the most time with, but we're never truly that person. Think of it like musty air - now that you have a window open, you know what it smells like. Keep breathing in better air and refuse to beat yourself up for breathing. Eventually most of the fleas will leave. You deserve better. Stay strong 💪
When I broke up with my partner he filed a lawsuit against me claiming I owed him money. While we were in court waiting to be heard he dropped me a note over the bench I was sitting in that said, "win or lose, wanna have breakfast afterwards?" I kept that note as a reminder of the torment I felt throughout 4.5 years with him. Thank You for your work!
The compartmentalization of narcissists is in my opinion one of the main reasons for cognitive dissonance. I remember when I was slowly realizing that my mother is a malignant narcissist and the first warning sign I noticed was the compartmentalization. I was baffled at how she is so good at remembering all the things I have done wrong down to the details, then say she can not recall her own mistakes. Then I started noticing the complete lack of deeper empathy and being able to be in other people's shoes. Then suddenly I started noticing she would often smile with very cold eyes and that still gives me chills at night. The more I noticed the signs of narcissism, the more scared I got. So a few years ago I cut her off. I do not talk to her or have any sort of contact with her. I have also ghosted the family from her side and I usually shut off people who are generally associated with her. Unfortunate, but it has been one of the best decisions for my mental well-being.
My goodness. I can’t tell you how many times the narcissist scolded me for having appropriate emotions, and belittled my concerns about unresolved issues between us when time had passed. Even after raging at me threateningly and attempting to embarrass me in public without apology, they’d say, “You’re STILL talking about that? I’ve already moved on.” It used to wound and infuriate me. Now that I understand their pathology, I don’t even care anymore. Thanks Dr. Ramani!
From my own personal experience with people like that you should always ask yourself "How will they react if I do to them the same thing they do to me?" The answer, it will infuriate them. So why should I excuse their behaviour while I know they will never do the same for me. For example: if a narcissist cheat on you and force you to forgive and forget their attitude how will they react if they discover you cheated on them also? they will never forgive you. so why should you forgive them?. Reciprocity is the bases of all relationship if someone gives you what they themselves will not accept in their life simply reject them.
You know what always amazed me, how they can have a screaming fit for an hour and boom go straight to sleep like a baby. That was my first clue of how messed up these individuals truly are, it is un fathomable!
It is because they transfer to you their frustration. For a narcissist their insecurities and fear is like having an internal bomb waiting to explode, not wanting the bomb to explode in them they then search for an opportunity to transfer the bomb to someone else. That is why when you have a single disagreement with a narcissist they lash out on you and you are left speechless to why they reacted this way while you only disagree with them. Know the problem was not you they just pass on their internal bomb into you but not wanting to appear as a bad person in the eyes of others they will either put the fault on you, on circumstances or just play the victim to avoid assuming their acts.
@@rosettesionne9139 - Rose, and you know, you want to make it right, better, free flowing, but you can’t. Life is precious and to have someone near you that is exactly that a “bomb” is not only unhealthy it is dangerous.
It is such a disturbing feeling to wake up and realize that you chose to live in an illusion for so long. I am still having trouble wrapping my head around how I got to that place. The crazy thing is too that I grew up seeing that kind stuff all around and always thought that I would never be the kind of person that would choose to stay in a bad relationship or be so blinded and in denial and yet here I am wtf.
All my friends were surprised by this as well. I feel it’s very similar to being charmed by a cult leader. Cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding is REAL. I now have no judgement on anyone who stays in these types of relationships. I feel sad for them and pray that they find help.
@@stacey3332 Don't know that much about cult stuff but from what little I do know I think there are some similarities for sure, at least some level of conditioning. Kind of similar to stockholm syndrome too.
This. Yup. 20 years married and nearly every boss. But you did the best you could at the time with the resources you had. NEVER forget that! Your resources are different and now you are too!
Hi Deb, I was also raised by a narc mother. Although never married, I genuinely feel your pain & frustrations. Both, my narc mother & narc boss highlight any & all my failures early & often. Over time, I've learned to embrace failure & then break it down w/full honesty. Every person fails @ something except the narcissist because they can't face the music, in addition, they don't have the capacity to self-reflect or self-critique. That's really how you truly learn & grow. Also, learn as much as you can about all things narcissism...it's extremely empowering. If you're not doing this now, start journaling. This will give you the affirmation you deserve each day & will keep you in your truth of who you truly are. Stay strong.
OMG yes! It goes along with the Jeckyl and Hyde part of narcissism. They are all charming and funny in public, everyone loves them, but demons behind closed doors. He once trapped me in a room and screamed and berated me for hours to the point I almost shut down completely. My peripheral vision was actually closing in on me. Then, he decided we should get something to eat. We went to a fast food place, and he happily ate his food while I sat there almost catatonic. I'm sure people walking past me wondered what my problem was because he appeared to be thoroughly enjoying his food while I was trying not to cry. He actually asked me if something was wrong because I wasn't eating. I actually managed to say "are you kidding me?!" He just went back to eating like nothing ever happened.
This happened to me consistently at like 3am… he would scream in my face… “What do you do for me?!”, “This is my house!”, “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have accomplished all that!” No one I have spoken to in the past went through something like this. I’m so glad I am not alone.
“Emotion does not just turn off”. If I’ve said this to my mother once I’ve said it a hundred times. She could never understand why I couldn’t flip a switch like her
I have said this to my N. He doesn’t get it, because he seems to be able to flip that switch. He will launch a verbal attack on me in public at dinner, reducing me to tears (all my willpower consumed trying unsuccessfully to hold them back), and then the waiter comes and he’s sweet as honey and now I look like the “crazy emotional” woman. Good times. Level 3/4 slowly and silently planning my exit because it’s going to take some finesse. My hang up (why I stay stuck) is that for 15 years (well before we got together) he’s been “in therapy” so he’s learned to change some behaviors, but not the underlying thought processes. So I second guess my instincts, and doubt what I’m seeing because he flips that switch so effectively. Really, therapy has just helped him learn to hide it better and get validation because he manipulates his therapist.
This was my dad. Explains all the affairs, abuse. Double standards and “do as I do and not as I say.” Mom was a narcissist too. Fooled all my teachers and wrath was behind closed doors. This is the worst form of abuse.
What saved me and helped me get out the emotional abusive marriage hurts me now that I am out of it. I have to relearn how to feel again, I have to learn how to slowly open my boxes again. My mind is telling me “it works, why change?” but I crave to genuinely feel again rather than suppress it. I want to be emotionally healthy again. I want to feel the positive emotions even if it also means feels the negative ones too.
It's been 3 years since you posted this comment. Were you able to fond yourself again? I am currently divorcing my covert narcissistic wife and completely lost myself. My psychotherapist told me that I have a fragmented mind which is exactly the compartmentalization that this video is talking about. Please tell me if gets better with time.
@@knotha definitely so much better! I did a lot of work though with therapy, self-reflection, and self-awareness. tbh, I didn’t realize how much better I was, it’s all gradual and it doesn’t just happen suddenly. This question actually made me look back and realize… “damn, I’ve actually come so far.”
I did this compartmentalization as a survival mechanism during my 18 years marriage to a narcissist. I divorced when I realised that I live in denial and decided to give myself the chance to experience a healthy love relationship.
Before I learned about these disorders, my narcissistic soon to be ex husband of 25 years once told me when I was having problems dealing with my family, him and some co workers at the time, "You know what your problem is? You don't know how to compartmentalize." To which I said (not knowing any better) "That's not healthy and that's NOT good!" This man made my life a TRUE LIVING HELL. I finally left January 4th and served him with divorce papers February 17th. He was shocked by both. He hoovered me last year after discarded me and then raped me. That's why I left again. Then lied to me about filing for divorce. He's only pissed because I beat him to the punch. He also sent me a creepy letter with an eyeball drawn on it saying "I'm watching you flaming sword 777, but don't worry I won't Hoover you" Signed- The Narcissist. He knew I was watching these videos for the past 3 years. I am SO GLAD IT IS FINALLY OVER!
@@flamingsword777 I'm so sorry for all that happened to you. I'm happy you're finally getting the hell out of that "relationship". You have made a courageous and healthy decision and I'm sure things will get better moving forward. I'm rooting for you! 💙💙
@@flamingsword777 I'm sorry you had to pass through all this, but it is great that you got out. Life is much more harmonious without this kind of people around! A good thing from this is that he watched dr. Ramani videos too. 😅
Thank you for mentioning that. I also used compartmentalisation as a survival mechanism to cope with being with my narcissistic ex husband for almost thirty years. Looking back it saved my life as he is so severely abusive but also kept me married for so long.
I was always hit with the comment "Why do you always exaggerate things?" when I would react with an appropriate emotion to being hurt. I always felt like there were two people I was in a relationship with, the person who would disparage me with comments like that and another who could be kind long enough to get what they wanted
It was devastating when my husband just fell fast asleep after degrading me. I used to cry so quiet just staring at his back wanting him to love me, or at least care that he hurt me. I used to snuggle into him or hold his hand when he fell asleep and just cry silently. Education triggers so many painful memories. 💔
I used to do the same after my ex husband also did that. I had blocked it out but I’m trying to confront all my memory blockages so thank you for making me remember.
I always had on my happy face in public and at home. But when I was at home and exhausted from dealing with her manic need for attention, I would get quiet and withdraw. Then she'd be mad because I was being fake happy around her or too quiet. But if I expressed my true feelings, she'd whip around and get angry at me or mock my depression and anxiety. I learned it was best to never show my vulnerability. So I became masterful at faking happy better, fawning over her more to keep her manageable. It was a miserable 20 years. Near the end while she was cheating, I ran out of steam and couldn't keep the fake happy going or the intense praise flowing. Blessed in many ways she discarded me.
I call it the "Gemini Syndrome". I know one part is apologizing for bad behavior and the look on their face tells me that they are apologizing because they were caught red handed and they resent you and hate you for catching them in the act...
As an oldest sibling of a lot of kids and 3 divorces, I became extremely good at this due to my military, correction officer father always asking what we wanted and then throwing a tantrum because it wasn’t the answer he had pre-decided. We were always being yelled at for things that made no sense, so we had to compartmentalize in order to function in our lives. This ability translates extremely well to the entertainment industry. I believe any person in this industry comes from trauma and is just acting out their role in a different environment, where you get paid to function as narcissists and co-dependents. I was so overly used to my parents’ rage and tantrums that I became really good at tuning it out, mocking them, ignoring them, solving problems in the midst of a crisis when others are melting down, etc. I didn’t ever have any desire to be a property master but that’s where I ended up for a whole decade because of my ability to compartmentalize. People liked me to be their boss because I never lost my temper, as I knew it would only waste time and make people slower at doing the thing that I needed. I didn’t want to be a department head. I wanted less responsibility and less people communicating with me and I got the exact opposite of that. I didn’t know I was allowed to say no to people and everyone made me their friend to make sure I wouldn’t. Compartmentalizing comes in handy when you’re dealing with a Narcissist, as I have had to fire them. They will try to manipulate you by using the friendship to guilt you into pretending their erratic, untrustworthy behavior never happened and you can’t risk the production for one moron. Sometimes you have to Trump (apologies for the expression) a narcissist by being a psychopath and it ISN’T personal. You just figured out they’re a manipulator and could sabotage an entire production. If anyone is interested in the most perfect depiction of Narcissism, watch “Behind Her Eyes” on Netflix. *warning : it is extremely triggering.
My ex narc would tell me at night “ you think you are smart, but you ain’t shit” and in the morning he would kiss me and say I love you. This caused a lot of confusion in my life
My narc ex would do the same.. he would apologize for his behaviour in the beginning of our relationship, but later on I found out his apologies were fake, they were just to keep me there.. as soon as the discard phase began, he raged at me and he would act like nothing happened a few hours later...
The narcissists in my life will force me to do things which pleases them without taking into accounts my feelings and may say excuse like "I do it for you" but when things don't go their ways or I react in a way they don't like they insult, mock and gaslight me publicly and shifting all the blame and responsibility on me by saying it is my fault they reacted this way that if I was more "submissive and obedient" things will be different. This is the real confusion because you basically fight the guilt and rage they transfer on you. My reaction was radical I behaved in a way that suited them for sometimes and cut them off completely of my life later. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who makes you depressed better to be alone.
Boy she sure as heck said exactly what I have been doing all those years!!! Pretending like all those bad times are separate from the good times! Not wanting to open my eyes completely and admit to myself that the relationship is toxic and so unhealthy!!! I’m now learning all of this and now I know I have to leave!!!
You explain things so elegantly without sugar coating, without shaming us for being around narcissists. Your education I know is saving lives and reviving self confidence that I never thought could ever exist. Bless you!
This woman is part of the reason I am still alive and am healing! This stuff is so true and real, I understand so much more and better. Please pass this on to someone else that needs to hear this and help others that need to hear this too!!
I like that you mentioned the phrase "It's not personal it's just business" phrases like that being said often signal a narcissist, other phrases like "I don't take no for an answer" or "Everyone has their price" are other narcissistic phrases to look out for, you could do a whole series on narcissistic phrases that could raise a red flag. I've seen the compartmentalization in a female narcissist, it seems she was doing it at a time where she may have been feeling anxious or nervous and wanted to project that sense of instability on to me, by attacking me verbally right before we walked into some big event or important meeting, because I was unaware my mood would be affected at first, but she did it often enough that I started to become aware and kept my cool. It's as if the compartmentalization is apart of the emotional regulation... push unwanted feelings on to someone else, so they don't have to be experienced in the moment.
Yeah.. All swept under the rug whilst all these years later I'm a mess from it all and now can't emotionally regulate so now I'm painted as crazy on top!
This brought to mind when my Father passed away. After a 2 week period of mourning~my Narcissistic (former) spouse said, "Are you over it yet?" I guess he thought I'd be able to compartmentalize like he does.🙄
"It is nothing personal, it's just business" was the first rule in my family. Everything was on a balance sheet, but only if you were willing to play the game. If you didn't play, you always paid.
A brilliant video, Dr. Ramani. I had a chance to observe a narcissistic man who had just lost his girlfriend. He was heartbroken and "dying" but he recovered instantly when a new woman appeared on the horizon. It was like watching a fire in one compartment of a space station. The door opens and the vacuum of space puts the fire out noiselessly. Watching him, I wondered where did the great fire go? Now I understand why - it's the narcissist's amazing ability to compartmentalize.
Once you heal, you will have such an easier way of seeing what actually is true. It’s a life of gaslighting. I’ve met some sweet souls even told they are aliens or demons. These sweet children are not able to know truth until they meet their own group of people that already survived the same pain. These children do have an awakening in seeing other patterns that they resonate with. So, the more people sharing their stories, the better. Thanks for this, because once CPTSD kids and adults too, realize what’s happening, there is a MASSIVE SHOCK- then a MASSIVE SHIFT!! Find a support group in your community if you have suffered this, because there are people there in the flip side waiting to help.
When the Narcissist is in their bad days, I know they are a Narcissist. But then they start having good days, and I'm flooded with self-doubt and confusion. It's because I compartmentalize.
When I found out he had been living a double life, all I could say was "but how can someone do this to their family?" I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. He said "I compartmentalize it all." OMG!
After I was quickly discarded by my narcissistic ex, after seven years of relationship, I asked where was that love that was so big and that existed until a few months earlier, and she said: “I put in a little box.” Not only the idea of being able to put such a strong feeling aside, but one that was once so big inside a “little box” made me astonished. Of course, now I understand that she never really loved me, once I learned about narcissistic personality disorder, but her words still astonish me.
Whats really funny is when you catch them lying and think you are going to leave so they bring out the "nice box" and love bomb you. Then a day or so later dangle the nice box out in front of you and rip it away. This cycle has been going on for a while.
Excellent piece. Compartmentalizing isn't talked about enough in narcs/psychopaths, much less in those being traumatized. STBX is a psychopath...led a double life for 30 yrs. Did the same with his first family. I have no clue how he did it. Again, excellent gold nuggets.
I realized long ago that I compartmentalized. It felt safe. In 2011, I was diagnosed with DID and C-PTSD. (Going strong with the same therapist still!) So I don’t know if it’s compartments or alters. But I do know that I’ve learned so much and have progressed. And at the same time, I’ve learned a lot about my husband’s behavioral patterns. And while I can’t diagnose him, and he refuses to commit to any long-term therapy, his patterns are NPD/sociopathic heavy. And I’ve learned so much from your channel, Dr. Ramani. I truly appreciate your kind yet to-the-point approach.
Someone I know has BPD and she does very well in public, so when she has been asking for help psychologically, they don’t believe her. This reminds me that a psychologist named Formica stated that someone with BPD can function well in certain types of situations and suck at others, so that the problems surface. Somehow like a patchwork. Thanks for explaining the ease narcissists move from one to another patch. It is important so we are not fooled by it to think that they are the masters of every difficulty and that they know how to do the miraculous «moving on».
I don't compartmentalize anymore. While I no longer swing between feelings of utter despair and hope there is still the grief to deal with. I know that radical acceptance doesn't mean there won't be any pain ever but I am the most peaceful I have ever been in my life.
Dear dr Ramani, thank you for this. I see exactly this pattern with a dear family member and a friend, being sucked into their respective narcissistic relationships for many years, decades in fact, by now. It is also becoming increasingly difficult for us, family members, friends to bear their compartmentalised lives, full of denials, obvious lies and toxicity spill overs towards, into their larger social circles. This brings me to proverb, in German: “Wer sich unter die Kleie mengt, den fressen die Schweine”, and translated into English: “he who mixes with the bran, will be eaten by the pigs.”
"the compartments are a manifestation of the denial that being in a narcissistic relationship seems to require" (9:14). at 47, I'm still breaking through my internal denial of just how awful my narcissistic father was. I know it intellectually, but its hard for me to let in emotionally, the enormity of his psychopathy. my child self still wants to hold onto the 'good dad' who was also a part of the complex whole. though I've been NC for decades, there are still contradictions I can't resolve, and compartments that are nowhere close to touching in my mind and heart.
I feel the same. It's like I never had the father I needed and wanted. The good memories are overshadowed by the bad. I spent 26 years living under his regime. It's so hurtful and confusing but I've learnt as much as I can and am trying to heal and go to EMDR
For me, until I grieved the family I THOUGHT I had, I carried a lot of guilt for what I thought I could handle/change as a kid. I had to resign myself to what I actually had. And until I handed myself my own resignation, moving on was way beyond me. Stay strong 💪 Edit: Still working on it every day.
@@n.g.l. Right! Something else I've come to realize is that when your in denial that a person is treating you badly, although your fooling yourself on some level the truth is always there so it sort of requires you to disrespect and deny your self to keep the lie and that's like this huge betrayal of self, it's so damaging.
My mother would be yelling at me looking like an angry dog and the phone would ring and she would answer it in her everything's wonderful angel voice. Something about seeing that blatant falseness helped me years later when I set boundaries and she tried love bombing to control me. Both my parents had many faces. Lies substance abuse and several kinds of child abuse were in some of their secret boxes. I wouldn't be surprised if there were literal bones in others.
Dr. R you are so right on all of this! So glad I found this channel. I've learned that people do not like the brutal honesty. 😆 I love brutal honesty and the ones that do not like it are red flags for me so I keep my distance from them.
In my humble research.. and deep diving in memories.. I discover two things most narcissists do or have or whatever you wanna label that: *First.. They sleep faster than others if they have nothing to stay busy with like a cellphone or a TV, etc.. It takes them around twenty minutes to be in a state of deep sleep. *second.. In an argument when they start to get angry and mad.. They will start repeating some of your sentences in a childish funny way.. For example, in the argument if you said don't talk with me.. They will repeat it like DOUNTT DOUK WIDT MEEE. It just the real child in them comes out if they start losing control of the argument. Thanks for the likes.
My ex told me she tends to compartmentalize b4 I knew she was a narc. She believed because our marriage wasn't happy she could could go be happy outside of it w/o saying she was cheating but I soon found out. Our life together was just 1 square on her tile floor SMH.
Thank for this one!!! I mentioned an ex would act like two different people. My mom is famous for patting herself on the back as a beloved teacher and yet would flip out at home. She looooves to say how loyal and family oriented she is, but that is only a one way street for her. I call her out on things, she acts like a petty child. In a way, you help me to try to reparent myself.
The longer you know a narcissist, you will eventually see the compartments slowly eroding until the narc does themselves in. Hopefully, you can get out of this farce before the final implosion. The worst thing to happen to a narc is to be totally alone.
I love the fact you also spoke about how survivors can often do this themselves, I've been trying to practice better self awareness because I'm sure I do this more often then I can admit to myself. It was difficult as a child experiencing one parent putting on a "show" to hide the narc abuse that was occurring at home. But it makes sense, at the time it feels "easier"... but then decades of your life quickly disappear.
Once again, you have answered a lifelong question. I knew it was weird to be in trauma one minute and “happy” family the next, but I had no description, no nomenclature, to make sense of it or understand it. Thank you for making me feel like a normal person again. And thank you for helping me realize that I still do this and why. I’m not crazy. Awareness is the first step to healing.
Dr. Ramani, Thank you so much for all you do for us. You don't have to share your life's work in this manner. I appreciate and respect what you are doing. You don't charge for these videos. You could at any point. You are reaching so many people, me included. The words, thank you, doesn't seem enough. You are an amazing person.
The survivor compartmentalization (denial, fantasy and endless tolerance and benefit of the doubts for the narcissist partner ) I bet was conditioning from childhood. A lifetime of compartmentalizations. Waking up after leaving the toxic relationship to the love fraud put me flat on my back into the stickiest deepest most dark searing grief. After climbing out - you bet I’m awake and see all shades of reality
Your comment rings of truth, wisdom and growth. Life begins now. Isn't it wonderful to be fully aware and see all of reality! Making informed choices. Wishing you an amazing life!
Due to abuse we faces when we were kids, my brother compartmentalizes. He tend to have his moments when he'll rip off his happy mask and cry as soon as we're in a room together. Or he'll forget important memories of our childhood and create a completely different memory in his head. He's such a sweet person, and I feel bad that he still idolizes our abuser because he doesn't want to admit the truth. I'm really even sure what to do because he doesn't even realize he's doing it. So I just play along, because I got scared correcting him. Last time I corrected him he started crying.
Good info, especially re: how the compartments open up and the rage spills out. Narcs can classify people as not even human to do what they do, while acting pretty normal with others. It’s so hard to convince those people of their real selves, especially if no one believes you or helps. Thank you for these videos every day.
Wow. One of the first things my husband ever told me about himself is that he has the ability and is excellent at compartmentalization. I had no idea what he was talking about and I thought it was an odd thing to even mention. It took me years to understand exactly what he meant.
I always knew my partner had found compartmentalisation as a form of carrying on in his abusive marriage, his ex wife was an expert at doing this and it was very frustrating and confusing for him. It took years for me to understand that he had adapted a milder form in order to function through daily life, to get to work and keep things together for the sake of the children. When you hear of this abuse, you often ponder on how victims cope or carry on for so long, and this is obviously one of the coping mechanisms. I always thought this could be the case, but to hear it from Dr Ramani, explained so perfectly as usual is so validating. His children that we have brought up also exhibit this coping mechanism.. It has taken me 14 years to help him relearn how to deal with life's ups and downs in a more proactive way, its been difficult as I didnt have the education, and at times felt that he was just brilliant at ignoring problems! 14 years in a loving, real relationship after 12 years of a narcissistic abusive marriage, and we still have a long way to go. I don't know what I'd do without these videos and also the community of viewers, every comment I read astounds me at how many people just get it!
This hits home-how i managed (&was blinded to) the narcs in my family, & abusive sexual relationships, & other organizations. Self-gaslighting all my life!
I always felt there were certain compartment of topics where in I was supposed to say anything at all.That area was not be voiced,no opinions,only ignore
This is so true! I finally faced up to the truth of my marriage many years ago and made the decision to stay. Speaking from experience, hard as it is, it's much better to be truthful to yourself, face reality and figure out how to live the life you want. As usual Dr. Ramini you hit the nail on the head! 😘
I think a lot of narc survivors are not in denial...they were just uneducated about it. With information and education, a huge shift takes place for that survivor.. You feel understood, empowered and things that never made sense before, suddenly do. That knowledge in itself, is enough,I believe! We don't need to take the next step... often it leads to even more trauma...we can learn to manage and grow from where we are. We can't escape all negative situations or people in our lives. I would leave that to God,as He knows us completely and what we need. Thank you Dr Ramani for your videos.. They help enormously,on our paths to healing.
Before I'd heard of compartmentalisation I told a narcissist to his face 'Your box is like a box of Dairylea Cheese Portions.... each one individually wrapped and none has access to the other. You pick one out, play with it then wrap it back up and put it back and go on to the next.'. How right was I?!!!!
This makes so much sense. I used to chalk it up to him feeling guilty...um no. This is exactly what he would do. One minute tearing your head off and calling you down to the lowest, the next asking where would you like to eat like nothing ever happened. Of course never saying he was sorry. Just switching from one mode to another. I would still be simmering and hurt and processing what just happened, the next he was on to something else. At the time he would say I was dramatic or too sensitive or misunderstood or even that I couldn't let things go because I would still be upset/scared/angry/hurt. Terribly confusing. I could never make my emotions just get with the program -- his program. Your explanation of the court was spot on too. He would level horrible accusations in court, ask for the most outrageous things, accuse me and my lawyer of all manner of evil things, then walk out and talk to both of us like we were friends. I used to tell myself, at some point, you need to stop being shocked by the shocking things he does.
This has been me for years with my family, particularly my brother. I endure & deal with his vile, vile, vile behaviour and then as soon as he decides to behave with a wee bit more humanity then I would suddenly shut down one compartment and open another and just accept it and go with it without a blink of an eye. It is well trained and well ingrained family behaviour. But after many years of this ABUSE I have had enough and I have made the difficult, family dividing decision to walk away. My heart and body just couldn't take it any more.
Your story touched me because it's my story too. I no longer have contact with my brother. Forgave him for years, but the abuse continued. I've had enough. You are not alone. Life is better, but still a lot of healing to do. It really is a process.
@@melodyharmony8448 I'm sorry that you've had to experience that trauma too. It takes so much put of you, doesn't it. Thanks for your message. I hope that you are now on the road to healing.
@@duck7237 It does take a lot out of you. I am sorry you had to go through this trauma too. When it's a family member it's so hard. You share the same DNA but not the behavior. I hope you are healing too. Wishing you happiness. Thank you for your comment.
I'm so sorry Duck. I'm right there with you. They are either unable or unwilling to admit that their abuse is in fact abuse. You'll not change this fact. You're doing the right thing for you!
I was just flabbergasted about the different stories my narc kept talking about to different people - but luckily he was not intelligent enough to keep track of all his lies; and of course he never thought people would start exchanging stories.... it was quite enlightening to me when I finally started doing that
The best advice for survivors. Really wonderful message from Dr Ramani for a healthy future for survivors recovered flying monkeys and victims friends and relatives who can’t get grasp of this abuse
Oh damn!!! Ding, ding, ding. Why haven't I heard this before? God lord, this explains so much that had confused me. How we could be in the midst of our breakup but her flying off to go on stage at a major event and not have it shake her in the least. I was asking myself, 'how can you do that while I'm torn into a million pieces?' Now I get it.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother whom I loved, so I developed a survival tactic of compartmentalising the good times (when she was sober) and the bad times (during a period of binge drinking), but never treating these two versions of the same person as the same; one I loved and the other I deeply resented for stealing away the mother I loved. I never confronted the person I loved with the misdeeds of person I disliked. I did the same with my Narc husband. I loved the fun loving and affectionate person I fell in love with and disliked the rage filled self entitled drunken person who said mean and hateful things to me; but I never said anything to the sober version! I stayed in a very toxic relationship pretending to myself for a decade that I liked this awful man! His son described him as a silk tongued snake! I was blinded by the walls of those compartments! I’m wiser now thanks to Dr Ramani’ great insights. Thanks so much. I’m divorcing him now 🙏
This compartmentalization video was an eye opener. It is freeing to know that you can survive if we don't allow ourserlves to be overly concerned about what the narcissist is doing, because they're going to do it anyway. I've learned that the hard way all of my life. As I become stronger in knowing who I am and since I'm not being 'bothered' or 'supported', there have been baby steps to more self care, doing things I enjoy whether alone or with friends/people who share the common interests. Especially since there is no care of how I'm enjoying myself. It's o.k. because now I'm not saying "we never do anything!, because I am!" Nothing that would harm the relationship.
Every video. I’ve lived it. She was screaming my head off. Crying. Endless tears. Aggressive finger pointing. One minute after she stopped. Her cousin calls and it’s cheerful laughing , joking and being ok. I had no idea how to react to this.
Once again, you've hit the nail on the head. This is SO my ex. It was mind blowing to see him do this and, of course, I kept excusing his duplicitous behavior or blaming myself. I couldn't disagree or clash with the good Pastor in front of other people.
Wow, it amazes me every time when you give an example that hits home. My ex took pride in compartmentalizing and shamed me for having big emotions. Now that I am single, I am having to completely relearning how to express my emotions, and even having to learn what actually is healthy and normal regarding my emotions, and how to not suppress them anymore.
OMGosh!! I used to call him Jekyll and Heyd! One day I actually worked up the nerve and asked him who he was that day. (Lol) Thank you Dr. Ramani for your videos. And you are a beautiful woman inside and out.
When my narcissistic mom divorced my dad, when I got to stay with my dad, it gave completely new meaning to the "Disneyland Dad". Not that he spoiled me with gifts, but that at his home, I was emotionally safe. When he passed away in 2014, I wondered so much why it couldn't have been her instead, and unfortunately for me, she knows that's how I feel.
You hit this one in the heart ❤ 🎯🎯🎯 . Omg. This was my livelihood, but no more. Thank you thank you., thank you for your vidros and words of wisdom and enlightement. I lived all of this and it was a nightmare. But im lucky I'm almost out of it.
The narc in my life (thank God I broke up with them decades ago) reminded me of a juggler. They were a sociopath with narcissistic tendencies. Sadly, their father was, too. Was amazed how they juggled so many relationships and friendships at once!
Dr Ramani you look so beautiful. Thank you for putting light on the subject of compartmentalizations. We have 6 grandchildren, I can use your ideas in all our relationships.
Thank you for these videos. You’re paving a path of healing for us damaged souls (even if they are filled with baby steps). Somehow helps us be able to process emotions that’s safely tucked away cuz we didn’t know how to rationalize it. Born to a narcissistic mother. Married to a narcissist for the past 11 years. (Funny, she chose my husband.) And till now I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt like I was married to a male version of my mother. Two years of gray rocking. Staying only to protect the sweetest little girl who is left confused most days as to why her dad is giving her the silent treatment even when she’s nice to him. Thank you for what you do Dr Ramani!
Fabulous, life-changing advice about living brutally honestly closing out this video starting at 11:00. Radical acceptance really is the key to opening new possibilities.
Compartmentalization often happens when you have more than one narc in your life too, it temporarily puts the other narc relationship in a better light. Live honestly, great tips at the end, thanks for this video.
This resonates with me. Dec 22, 2020, my estranged husband came to my house to drop off our eldest. He brought pizza. The kids wanted him to help decorate the tree. I was getting ready to eat when suddenly he found out that a mutual friend had come to the house that day and he flipped a switch. He accused me of talking "sh*t" about him. He called me all manner of names. Yelled. Got in my face. Took ALL of my clothes out of the closet and threw them outside. All in front of our kids (ages 8 and 2). We fought for over an hour. Then, suddenly, it was like he was finished. I was sufficiently petrified and he went into the living room, ate pizza, talked to me about sports and helped decorate the tree like NOTHING had gone on. I, on the other hand, was shaking and could barely breathe. The more I watch these, the more convinced I am that he has narcissistic tendencies.
In a text, he once wondered why I wasn't "compartmentalizing"? English is my second language, so I googled the word later and stumbled over an article "sociopaths & compartmentalization". There he told on himself.
It is the compartmentalization that helps the narcissist move on so fast after the relationship is over. He puts you in a box and locks it up. Next.
Facts
Well said!
Yes he does!
I am still trying to forgive myself for falling for the lies. I know it wasn't my fault but it is so hard to trust myself again.
@@truthteller113 Being a victim in a relationship with a narcissist took its toll but there was a point where I realized that part of taking control over my life again is learning to forgive myself and be more kind towards myself. Good luck 👍
The ability the narcissist has to shut feelings and emotions off is mind blowing especially for the victim. Before I knew he was narcissistic I would say its not normal to shut love on and off, you can disagree and be upset with your loved one but you don't just stop loving them......the problem with narcissists is that they never loved you in the first place, it was all an illusion. I lived in constance confusion and fear.
Exactly! My ex husband used to always project about me not loving him unconditionally but he was the one that would “love” me only on certain conditions and then treat me like his worst enemy when things didn’t go his way whether I was aware of it or not. It’s absolutely not a way of being and I would rather be alone than have any semblance of that in a future relationship. Not worth it at all!
@@habybarry4561 10000%!!
Yes this confused me
Yes. After two and a half years of being in a relationship, he just shut me out. I asked if he ever really loved me. He looked at me with the cold eyes of a killer and said, I don’t believe in that stuff.
@@malaikavida Mine was a year and a half. He told me how much he loved me, looking in my eyes, etc a few weeks before he discarded. Then tells me he isn’t in love with me. When I asked him why he told me he went on and on and how much he loved me and would even do counseling...he looked at me with a bored look and said “when was that?”. They are assholes. Glad I’m not with that evil anymore.
Narcissists have different purposes for different sources. One to look after the home/stability and security, one for sex, one to go to dinner with. They compartmentalise their relationships.
Relationship compartmentalism- now there’s a topic. And also in family situations.
Exactly! I was the home/stability and the other women were the fun/dinner/trips life. And I got the rage while they got the gifts.
Truly prisons!
If only i can find The One, I dont need to compartmentalize.
this one hits home. I was the side chick to someone who said he wasn't in a real marriage. He said it was fake and that she paid him to marry her to get US citizenship. So everything he told me was that it was not a real marriage. But he would have sex with her and I would ask him why didn't he feel guilty and he would say because she's my wife. It was the most bizarre and disturbing and anxiety inducing relationship I've ever been in. I'm glad I'm out.
A narcissist might have separate ‘compartments’ for you, his girlfriend(s), his work relationships, his family life, his guy friends, his time at the gym or in the band or at the bar or home alone at his apartment. Then, when it’s convenient, he just moves in and out of the little rooms like a snake, carefully closing the door behind him when he arrives and also locking it tight when he leaves. He might be giving you the silent treatment while hanging out in the compartment next door and you won’t even know it. Or he can be having a regular sex life with three different women who all think that they’re his only girlfriend. When a person is a pathological liar and has no empathy, sympathy, guilt, or remorse, compartmentalization is the way to go!
Yes, I thought it was strange that he wouldn’t think to include me in vacation plans. I had to explain that this is abnormal for a committed relationship of over two years.
Yeah, and husband convinced me go into the hospital for a procedure the day before/after Christmas (can't remember which), so he could spend the "near holiday" with his concubine. Of course, he kept that a secret. But at one point he mentioned that he was good at compartmentalization. I feel angry and betrayed just thinking about this skill he leaveraged against me. I didn't have not much knowledge about how to protect myself at the time. It's hard, it's really hard to win when you feel paralyzed from shock, disbelief, and feel defeated. Thankfully, I managed to escape. However, the divorce process has been VERY long and VERY challenging.⚖️
@@donnawoodford6641 God is on your side all will be well.
Well said...asante sana
My wife was the master of maintaining her Street Angel image..loved by all...but when the door closed welcome home the house devil...This used to exhaust me and blow my mind.
My mother was (and still is) the same way. Pathetic
Yes, and then if you try to seek help and support, no one from the outside can believe you because they've only seen the mask... so sorry for what you've had to go through.
Yea I feel like the fact that can choose when and where they act this way says they are very much in control, its not just like losing their temper in the heat of the moment not that that's an excuse either but controlled just seems more intentional and messed up.
@Victoria Bergman cancer so I think that’s water....
Exhaustion goes with narcissism. I hope you were able to get out and away.
I learnt to compartmentalize as a way of survival in my narcissistic marriage. It is something I find hard to break even now that I'm out. I don't trust people around me enough not to compartmentalize.
I completely do the same thing.
Takes time, babysteps xx
Basically, you’re letting the narcissist win by becoming him and taking on his habits, sis. I did it, too. Let it go. You’re supposed to have feelings. It’s what you do with those feelings that counts. ✊🏾
This goes with yesterday's vid about Narc fleas. We mirror those we spend the most time with, but we're never truly that person.
Think of it like musty air - now that you have a window open, you know what it smells like. Keep breathing in better air and refuse to beat yourself up for breathing. Eventually most of the fleas will leave.
You deserve better.
Stay strong 💪
@@KamalasNotLikeUs letting go is easier said than done. I'm taking baby steps towards that though.
When I broke up with my partner he filed a lawsuit against me claiming I owed him money. While we were in court waiting to be heard he dropped me a note over the bench I was sitting in that said, "win or lose, wanna have breakfast afterwards?"
I kept that note as a reminder of the torment I felt throughout 4.5 years with him.
Thank You for your work!
Truly bizarre. Those mementos help!
The compartmentalization of narcissists is in my opinion one of the main reasons for cognitive dissonance. I remember when I was slowly realizing that my mother is a malignant narcissist and the first warning sign I noticed was the compartmentalization. I was baffled at how she is so good at remembering all the things I have done wrong down to the details, then say she can not recall her own mistakes. Then I started noticing the complete lack of deeper empathy and being able to be in other people's shoes. Then suddenly I started noticing she would often smile with very cold eyes and that still gives me chills at night. The more I noticed the signs of narcissism, the more scared I got. So a few years ago I cut her off. I do not talk to her or have any sort of contact with her. I have also ghosted the family from her side and I usually shut off people who are generally associated with her. Unfortunate, but it has been one of the best decisions for my mental well-being.
My goodness. I can’t tell you how many times the narcissist scolded me for having appropriate emotions, and belittled my concerns about unresolved issues between us when time had passed. Even after raging at me threateningly and attempting to embarrass me in public without apology, they’d say, “You’re STILL talking about that? I’ve already moved on.” It used to wound and infuriate me. Now that I understand their pathology, I don’t even care anymore. Thanks Dr. Ramani!
From my own personal experience with people like that you should always ask yourself "How will they react if I do to them the same thing they do to me?" The answer, it will infuriate them. So why should I excuse their behaviour while I know they will never do the same for me. For example: if a narcissist cheat on you and force you to forgive and forget their attitude how will they react if they discover you cheated on them also? they will never forgive you. so why should you forgive them?. Reciprocity is the bases of all relationship if someone gives you what they themselves will not accept in their life simply reject them.
You know what always amazed me, how they can have a screaming fit for an hour and boom go straight to sleep like a baby. That was my first clue of how messed up these individuals truly are, it is un fathomable!
Elizabeth de la Vega,You don't deserve to be with a narcissist 😈!
It is because they transfer to you their frustration. For a narcissist their insecurities and fear is like having an internal bomb waiting to explode, not wanting the bomb to explode in them they then search for an opportunity to transfer the bomb to someone else. That is why when you have a single disagreement with a narcissist they lash out on you and you are left speechless to why they reacted this way while you only disagree with them. Know the problem was not you they just pass on their internal bomb into you but not wanting to appear as a bad person in the eyes of others they will either put the fault on you, on circumstances or just play the victim to avoid assuming their acts.
@@lioydwilliams1850 - no one does. It’s pure madness to a whole other level.
@@rosettesionne9139 - Rose, and you know, you want to make it right, better, free flowing, but you can’t. Life is precious and to have someone near you that is exactly that a “bomb” is not only unhealthy it is dangerous.
@@elizabethdelavega8304 you are absolutely right my dear.I am Lioyd from the States.You?
It is such a disturbing feeling to wake up and realize that you chose to live in an illusion for so long. I am still having trouble wrapping my head around how I got to that place. The crazy thing is too that I grew up seeing that kind stuff all around and always thought that I would never be the kind of person that would choose to stay in a bad relationship or be so blinded and in denial and yet here I am wtf.
It is hard! I know all about it.
Same here
All my friends were surprised by this as well. I feel it’s very similar to being charmed by a cult leader. Cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding is REAL. I now have no judgement on anyone who stays in these types of relationships. I feel sad for them and pray that they find help.
@@stacey3332 Don't know that much about cult stuff but from what little I do know I think there are some similarities for sure, at least some level of conditioning. Kind of similar to stockholm syndrome too.
This. Yup. 20 years married and nearly every boss. But you did the best you could at the time with the resources you had. NEVER forget that! Your resources are different and now you are too!
Dr. Ramani you’ve helped me so much. Raised by a narcissistic mom and three failed marriages- I’m finally making sense of it all.
Yes! Finally it all makes sense. The confusion is SO blinding when you have it from birth.
Yes, exactly 💯
Hi Deb, I was also raised by a narc mother. Although never married, I genuinely feel your pain & frustrations. Both, my narc mother & narc boss highlight any & all my failures early & often. Over time, I've learned to embrace failure & then break it down w/full honesty. Every person fails @ something except the narcissist because they can't face the music, in addition, they don't have the capacity to self-reflect or self-critique. That's really how you truly learn & grow. Also, learn as much as you can about all things narcissism...it's extremely empowering. If you're not doing this now, start journaling. This will give you the affirmation you deserve each day & will keep you in your truth of who you truly are. Stay strong.
Deb Rose,You don't deserve to be with a narcissist!
@@lioydwilliams1850 I don’t deserve - and it won’t happen again. My life will be better - going forward with my eyes wide open.
It amazes me as I learn what I've been dealing with all these years.😏🥴😔
I sent clips of these videos to my loved ones so they can learn too.
Same. I grew up in it. I'm 41 and still learning that all those things were NOT normal. Still figuring out how healthy would feel.
@@Picca65 Same here. I´m 39 years old and kind of grateful I've started to understand all this at least now. My mother wasn't that lucky.
Me too!
IKR,
A Blessing of covid confinement is learning from Dr. Ramini 👌😎
Thank You for educating, enlightening & exposing narcissism 🙏❤️
OMG yes! It goes along with the Jeckyl and Hyde part of narcissism. They are all charming and funny in public, everyone loves them, but demons behind closed doors. He once trapped me in a room and screamed and berated me for hours to the point I almost shut down completely. My peripheral vision was actually closing in on me. Then, he decided we should get something to eat. We went to a fast food place, and he happily ate his food while I sat there almost catatonic. I'm sure people walking past me wondered what my problem was because he appeared to be thoroughly enjoying his food while I was trying not to cry. He actually asked me if something was wrong because I wasn't eating. I actually managed to say "are you kidding me?!" He just went back to eating like nothing ever happened.
This happened to me consistently at like 3am… he would scream in my face… “What do you do for me?!”, “This is my house!”, “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have accomplished all that!”
No one I have spoken to in the past went through something like this. I’m so glad I am not alone.
Wow! And all that time I thought something was wrong with ME!
I always did too. Once I knew it wasnt me and what I was really dealing with, my healing started. Hugs
“Emotion does not just turn off”. If I’ve said this to my mother once I’ve said it a hundred times. She could never understand why I couldn’t flip a switch like her
I have said this to my N. He doesn’t get it, because he seems to be able to flip that switch.
He will launch a verbal attack on me in public at dinner, reducing me to tears (all my willpower consumed trying unsuccessfully to hold them back), and then the waiter comes and he’s sweet as honey and now I look like the “crazy emotional” woman. Good times. Level 3/4 slowly and silently planning my exit because it’s going to take some finesse.
My hang up (why I stay stuck) is that for 15 years (well before we got together) he’s been “in therapy” so he’s learned to change some behaviors, but not the underlying thought processes. So I second guess my instincts, and doubt what I’m seeing because he flips that switch so effectively.
Really, therapy has just helped him learn to hide it better and get validation because he manipulates his therapist.
@@bortiz805 How are you? I hope you are doing well and have been able to make it to Level 4/4!
This was my dad. Explains all the affairs, abuse. Double standards and “do as I do and not as I say.” Mom was a narcissist too. Fooled all my teachers and wrath was behind closed doors. This is the worst form of abuse.
What saved me and helped me get out the emotional abusive marriage hurts me now that I am out of it. I have to relearn how to feel again, I have to learn how to slowly open my boxes again. My mind is telling me “it works, why change?” but I crave to genuinely feel again rather than suppress it. I want to be emotionally healthy again. I want to feel the positive emotions even if it also means feels the negative ones too.
It's been 3 years since you posted this comment.
Were you able to fond yourself again?
I am currently divorcing my covert narcissistic wife and completely lost myself. My psychotherapist told me that I have a fragmented mind which is exactly the compartmentalization that this video is talking about.
Please tell me if gets better with time.
@@knotha definitely so much better! I did a lot of work though with therapy, self-reflection, and self-awareness. tbh, I didn’t realize how much better I was, it’s all gradual and it doesn’t just happen suddenly. This question actually made me look back and realize… “damn, I’ve actually come so far.”
I did this compartmentalization as a survival mechanism during my 18 years marriage to a narcissist. I divorced when I realised that I live in denial and decided to give myself the chance to experience a healthy love relationship.
Good for you 🙂
Before I learned about these disorders, my narcissistic soon to be ex husband of 25 years once told me when I was having problems dealing with my family, him and some co workers at the time, "You know what your problem is? You don't know how to compartmentalize." To which I said (not knowing any better) "That's not healthy and that's NOT good!" This man made my life a TRUE LIVING HELL. I finally left January 4th and served him with divorce papers February 17th. He was shocked by both. He hoovered me last year after discarded me and then raped me. That's why I left again. Then lied to me about filing for divorce. He's only pissed because I beat him to the punch. He also sent me a creepy letter with an eyeball drawn on it saying "I'm watching you flaming sword 777, but don't worry I won't Hoover you" Signed- The Narcissist. He knew I was watching these videos for the past 3 years. I am SO GLAD IT IS FINALLY OVER!
@@flamingsword777 I'm so sorry for all that happened to you. I'm happy you're finally getting the hell out of that "relationship". You have made a courageous and healthy decision and I'm sure things will get better moving forward. I'm rooting for you! 💙💙
@@flamingsword777 I'm sorry you had to pass through all this, but it is great that you got out. Life is much more harmonious without this kind of people around! A good thing from this is that he watched dr. Ramani videos too. 😅
Thank you for mentioning that. I also used compartmentalisation as a survival mechanism to cope with being with my narcissistic ex husband for almost thirty years. Looking back it saved my life as he is so severely abusive but also kept me married for so long.
I was always hit with the comment "Why do you always exaggerate things?" when I would react with an appropriate emotion to being hurt. I always felt like there were two people I was in a relationship with, the person who would disparage me with comments like that and another who could be kind long enough to get what they wanted
It was devastating when my husband just fell fast asleep after degrading me. I used to cry so quiet just staring at his back wanting him to love me, or at least care that he hurt me. I used to snuggle into him or hold his hand when he fell asleep and just cry silently. Education triggers so many painful memories. 💔
I used to do the same after my ex husband also did that. I had blocked it out but I’m trying to confront all my memory blockages so thank you for making me remember.
I did that too. It's so sad being with someone who can be so cruel and then sleep like a baby.
Me too. I never understood how he could emotionally destroy me in an argument then go in the other room with a snack and watch basketball on TV.
I always had on my happy face in public and at home. But when I was at home and exhausted from dealing with her manic need for attention, I would get quiet and withdraw. Then she'd be mad because I was being fake happy around her or too quiet. But if I expressed my true feelings, she'd whip around and get angry at me or mock my depression and anxiety. I learned it was best to never show my vulnerability. So I became masterful at faking happy better, fawning over her more to keep her manageable. It was a miserable 20 years. Near the end while she was cheating, I ran out of steam and couldn't keep the fake happy going or the intense praise flowing. Blessed in many ways she discarded me.
I call it the "Gemini Syndrome". I know one part is apologizing for bad behavior
and the look on their face tells me that they are apologizing because they were
caught red handed and they resent you and hate you for catching them in the act...
hey everyone has a shadow side don’t demonize Geminis like this!
As an oldest sibling of a lot of kids and 3 divorces, I became extremely good at this due to my military, correction officer father always asking what we wanted and then throwing a tantrum because it wasn’t the answer he had pre-decided. We were always being yelled at for things that made no sense, so we had to compartmentalize in order to function in our lives.
This ability translates extremely well to the entertainment industry. I believe any person in this industry comes from trauma and is just acting out their role in a different environment, where you get paid to function as narcissists and co-dependents. I was so overly used to my parents’ rage and tantrums that I became really good at tuning it out, mocking them, ignoring them, solving problems in the midst of a crisis when others are melting down, etc. I didn’t ever have any desire to be a property master but that’s where I ended up for a whole decade because of my ability to compartmentalize. People liked me to be their boss because I never lost my temper, as I knew it would only waste time and make people slower at doing the thing that I needed. I didn’t want to be a department head. I wanted less responsibility and less people communicating with me and I got the exact opposite of that. I didn’t know I was allowed to say no to people and everyone made me their friend to make sure I wouldn’t.
Compartmentalizing comes in handy when you’re dealing with a Narcissist, as I have had to fire them. They will try to manipulate you by using the friendship to guilt you into pretending their erratic, untrustworthy behavior never happened and you can’t risk the production for one moron.
Sometimes you have to Trump (apologies for the expression) a narcissist by being a psychopath and it ISN’T personal. You just figured out they’re a manipulator and could sabotage an entire production.
If anyone is interested in the most perfect depiction of Narcissism, watch “Behind Her Eyes” on Netflix. *warning : it is extremely triggering.
My ex narc would tell me at night “ you think you are smart, but you ain’t shit” and in the morning he would kiss me and say I love you. This caused a lot of confusion in my life
Preach! This is SO confusing. How did you handle the completely different frames of reference?
My narc ex would do the same.. he would apologize for his behaviour in the beginning of our relationship, but later on I found out his apologies were fake, they were just to keep me there.. as soon as the discard phase began, he raged at me and he would act like nothing happened a few hours later...
omg I understand, so much contradiction all the time, really messes with your head
The narcissists in my life will force me to do things which pleases them without taking into accounts my feelings and may say excuse like "I do it for you" but when things don't go their ways or I react in a way they don't like they insult, mock and gaslight me publicly and shifting all the blame and responsibility on me by saying it is my fault they reacted this way that if I was more "submissive and obedient" things will be different. This is the real confusion because you basically fight the guilt and rage they transfer on you. My reaction was radical I behaved in a way that suited them for sometimes and cut them off completely of my life later. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who makes you depressed better to be alone.
@@rosettesionne9139 It is very confusing and hard, I'm so glad you got away 💛
Boy she sure as heck said exactly what I have been doing all those years!!! Pretending like all those bad times are separate from the good times! Not wanting to open my eyes completely and admit to myself that the relationship is toxic and so unhealthy!!! I’m now learning all of this and now I know I have to leave!!!
You explain things so elegantly without sugar coating, without shaming us for being around narcissists. Your education I know is saving lives and reviving self confidence that I never thought could ever exist. Bless you!
This woman is part of the reason I am still alive and am healing! This stuff is so true and real, I understand so much more and better. Please pass this on to someone else that needs to hear this and help others that need to hear this too!!
I like that you mentioned the phrase "It's not personal it's just business" phrases like that being said often signal a narcissist, other phrases like "I don't take no for an answer" or "Everyone has their price" are other narcissistic phrases to look out for, you could do a whole series on narcissistic phrases that could raise a red flag. I've seen the compartmentalization in a female narcissist, it seems she was doing it at a time where she may have been feeling anxious or nervous and wanted to project that sense of instability on to me, by attacking me verbally right before we walked into some big event or important meeting, because I was unaware my mood would be affected at first, but she did it often enough that I started to become aware and kept my cool. It's as if the compartmentalization is apart of the emotional regulation... push unwanted feelings on to someone else, so they don't have to be experienced in the moment.
Yes! I immediately cringed to both those sayings too.
@@BastettheGh0st oh yes, cringe is absolutely the right word!
Interesting comment. Thank you.
Yes, this might be their worst quality. So very confusing.
I understand now why my childhood was so difficult. All the incidents affected me for quite some time, whilst my parents were over it within minutes.
Yeah.. All swept under the rug whilst all these years later I'm a mess from it all and now can't emotionally regulate so now I'm painted as crazy on top!
@@bereal6590 understand completely. Hope you'll be ok.
All those suppressed emotions do manifest in chronic illness.
This brought to mind when my Father passed away. After a 2 week period of mourning~my Narcissistic (former) spouse said, "Are you over it yet?" I guess he thought I'd be able to compartmentalize like he does.🙄
"It is nothing personal, it's just business" was the first rule in my family. Everything was on a balance sheet, but only if you were willing to play the game. If you didn't play, you always paid.
A brilliant video, Dr. Ramani. I had a chance to observe a narcissistic man who had just lost his girlfriend. He was heartbroken and "dying" but he recovered instantly when a new woman appeared on the horizon. It was like watching a fire in one compartment of a space station. The door opens and the vacuum of space puts the fire out noiselessly. Watching him, I wondered where did the great fire go? Now I understand why - it's the narcissist's amazing ability to compartmentalize.
In my opinión, it is always better to confront the truth as soon as posible, and being aware of the reality.
Yes, it is usually the best. Unless someone's physical safety is at risk, which is unfortunately too common.
In fact the best thing in my opinion is never to stop looking yourself in the mirror
In fact the best thing in my opinion is never to stop looking yourself in the mirror
@@jessicarobinson4072 I totally agree. It's not black or white
Once you heal, you will have such an easier way of seeing what actually is true. It’s a life of gaslighting. I’ve met some sweet souls even told they are aliens or demons. These sweet children are not able to know truth until they meet their own group of people that already survived the same pain.
These children do have an awakening in seeing other patterns that they resonate with. So, the more people sharing their stories, the better. Thanks for this, because once CPTSD kids and adults too, realize what’s happening, there is a MASSIVE SHOCK- then a MASSIVE SHIFT!! Find a support group in your community if you have suffered this, because there are people there in the flip side waiting to help.
When the Narcissist is in their bad days, I know they are a Narcissist. But then they start having good days, and I'm flooded with self-doubt and confusion. It's because I compartmentalize.
When I found out he had been living a double life, all I could say was "but how can someone do this to their family?" I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. He said "I compartmentalize it all."
OMG!
❤️❤️😢
My story is your story. Only one thing different, he ain’t man enough for me to even hope to get a truthful answer from him.
After I was quickly discarded by my narcissistic ex, after seven years of relationship, I asked where was that love that was so big and that existed until a few months earlier, and she said: “I put in a little box.” Not only the idea of being able to put such a strong feeling aside, but one that was once so big inside a “little box” made me astonished. Of course, now I understand that she never really loved me, once I learned about narcissistic personality disorder, but her words still astonish me.
Whats really funny is when you catch them lying and think you are going to leave so they bring out the "nice box" and love bomb you. Then a day or so later dangle the nice box out in front of you and rip it away. This cycle has been going on for a while.
“Can feel like they are in two diff relationships...” so true.
Excellent piece. Compartmentalizing isn't talked about enough in narcs/psychopaths, much less in those being traumatized. STBX is a psychopath...led a double life for 30 yrs. Did the same with his first family. I have no clue how he did it. Again, excellent gold nuggets.
I realized long ago that I compartmentalized. It felt safe. In 2011, I was diagnosed with DID and C-PTSD. (Going strong with the same therapist still!) So I don’t know if it’s compartments or alters. But I do know that I’ve learned so much and have progressed. And at the same time, I’ve learned a lot about my husband’s behavioral patterns. And while I can’t diagnose him, and he refuses to commit to any long-term therapy, his patterns are NPD/sociopathic heavy. And I’ve learned so much from your channel, Dr. Ramani. I truly appreciate your kind yet to-the-point approach.
Someone I know has BPD and she does very well in public, so when she has been asking for help psychologically, they don’t believe her. This reminds me that a psychologist named Formica stated that someone with BPD can function well in certain types of situations and suck at others, so that the problems surface. Somehow like a patchwork. Thanks for explaining the ease narcissists move from one to another patch. It is important so we are not fooled by it to think that they are the masters of every difficulty and that they know how to do the miraculous «moving on».
I don't compartmentalize anymore. While I no longer swing between feelings of utter despair and hope there is still the grief to deal with. I know that radical acceptance doesn't mean there won't be any pain ever but I am the most peaceful I have ever been in my life.
Dear dr Ramani, thank you for this. I see exactly this pattern with a dear family member and a friend, being sucked into their respective narcissistic relationships for many years, decades in fact, by now. It is also becoming increasingly difficult for us, family members, friends to bear their compartmentalised lives, full of denials, obvious lies and toxicity spill overs towards, into their larger social circles. This brings me to proverb, in German: “Wer sich unter die Kleie mengt, den fressen die Schweine”, and translated into English: “he who mixes with the bran, will be eaten by the pigs.”
"the compartments are a manifestation of the denial that being in a narcissistic relationship seems to require" (9:14). at 47, I'm still breaking through my internal denial of just how awful my narcissistic father was. I know it intellectually, but its hard for me to let in emotionally, the enormity of his psychopathy. my child self still wants to hold onto the 'good dad' who was also a part of the complex whole. though I've been NC for decades, there are still contradictions I can't resolve, and compartments that are nowhere close to touching in my mind and heart.
I feel the same. It's like I never had the father I needed and wanted. The good memories are overshadowed by the bad. I spent 26 years living under his regime. It's so hurtful and confusing but I've learnt as much as I can and am trying to heal and go to EMDR
For me, until I grieved the family I THOUGHT I had, I carried a lot of guilt for what I thought I could handle/change as a kid.
I had to resign myself to what I actually had. And until I handed myself my own resignation, moving on was way beyond me.
Stay strong 💪
Edit: Still working on it every day.
@@n.g.l. Right! Something else I've come to realize is that when your in denial that a person is treating you badly, although your fooling yourself on some level the truth is always there so it sort of requires you to disrespect and deny your self to keep the lie and that's like this huge betrayal of self, it's so damaging.
I feel you! Radical acceptance seems like a one-step process but is actually a thousand-step process. One step at a time.
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 so beautifully expressed; thank you for your words!
My mother would be yelling at me looking like an angry dog and the phone would ring and she would answer it in her everything's wonderful angel voice. Something about seeing that blatant falseness helped me years later when I set boundaries and she tried love bombing to control me. Both my parents had many faces. Lies substance abuse and several kinds of child abuse were in some of their secret boxes. I wouldn't be surprised if there were literal bones in others.
This woman is saving my soul
Dr. R you are so right on all of this! So glad I found this channel. I've learned that people do not like the brutal honesty. 😆 I love brutal honesty and the ones that do not like it are red flags for me so I keep my distance from them.
In my humble research.. and deep diving in memories.. I discover two things most narcissists do or have or whatever you wanna label that:
*First..
They sleep faster than others if they have nothing to stay busy with like a cellphone or a TV, etc..
It takes them around twenty minutes to be in a state of deep sleep.
*second..
In an argument when they start to get angry and mad.. They will start repeating some of your sentences in a childish funny way..
For example, in the argument if you said don't talk with me.. They will repeat it like DOUNTT DOUK WIDT MEEE.
It just the real child in them comes out if they start losing control of the argument.
Thanks for the likes.
Yes!!! more videos on compartmentalisation and dealing with high conflict relationships 👏🏽
I compementslice to enjoy my life despite the abuse. It is not denial anymore, just healing a bit before freedom.
My ex told me she tends to compartmentalize b4 I knew she was a narc. She believed because our marriage wasn't happy she could could go be happy outside of it w/o saying she was cheating but I soon found out. Our life together was just 1 square on her tile floor SMH.
Thank for this one!!! I mentioned an ex would act like two different people. My mom is famous for patting herself on the back as a beloved teacher and yet would flip out at home. She looooves to say how loyal and family oriented she is, but that is only a one way street for her. I call her out on things, she acts like a petty child. In a way, you help me to try to reparent myself.
The longer you know a narcissist, you will eventually see the compartments slowly eroding until the narc does themselves in. Hopefully, you can get out of this farce before the final implosion. The worst thing to happen to a narc is to be totally alone.
I love the fact you also spoke about how survivors can often do this themselves, I've been trying to practice better self awareness because I'm sure I do this more often then I can admit to myself. It was difficult as a child experiencing one parent putting on a "show" to hide the narc abuse that was occurring at home. But it makes sense, at the time it feels "easier"... but then decades of your life quickly disappear.
Did that until my girls were gone; not under her control. Honesty is key 🔑
Once again, you have answered a lifelong question. I knew it was weird to be in trauma one minute and “happy” family the next, but I had no description, no nomenclature, to make sense of it or understand it. Thank you for making me feel like a normal person again. And thank you for helping me realize that I still do this and why. I’m not crazy. Awareness is the first step to healing.
Dr. Ramani, Thank you so much for all you do for us. You don't have to share your life's work in this manner. I appreciate and respect what you are doing. You don't charge for these videos. You could at any point. You are reaching so many people, me included. The words, thank you, doesn't seem enough. You are an amazing person.
The survivor compartmentalization (denial, fantasy and endless tolerance and benefit of the doubts for the narcissist partner ) I bet was conditioning from childhood. A lifetime of compartmentalizations. Waking up after leaving the toxic relationship to the love fraud put me flat on my back into the stickiest deepest most dark searing grief. After climbing out - you bet I’m awake and see all shades of reality
Such clarity, such wisdom. Thanks for sharing these insights 🙏
Your comment rings of truth, wisdom and growth. Life begins now.
Isn't it wonderful to be fully aware and see all of reality! Making informed choices.
Wishing you an amazing life!
Due to abuse we faces when we were kids, my brother compartmentalizes. He tend to have his moments when he'll rip off his happy mask and cry as soon as we're in a room together. Or he'll forget important memories of our childhood and create a completely different memory in his head. He's such a sweet person, and I feel bad that he still idolizes our abuser because he doesn't want to admit the truth.
I'm really even sure what to do because he doesn't even realize he's doing it. So I just play along, because I got scared correcting him. Last time I corrected him he started crying.
Good info, especially re: how the compartments open up and the rage spills out. Narcs can classify people as not even human to do what they do, while acting pretty normal with others. It’s so hard to convince those people of their real selves, especially if no one believes you or helps. Thank you for these videos every day.
Wow. One of the first things my husband ever told me about himself is that he has the ability and is excellent at compartmentalization. I had no idea what he was talking about and I thought it was an odd thing to even mention. It took me years to understand exactly what he meant.
I always knew my partner had found compartmentalisation as a form of carrying on in his abusive marriage, his ex wife was an expert at doing this and it was very frustrating and confusing for him. It took years for me to understand that he had adapted a milder form in order to function through daily life, to get to work and keep things together for the sake of the children. When you hear of this abuse, you often ponder on how victims cope or carry on for so long, and this is obviously one of the coping mechanisms. I always thought this could be the case, but to hear it from Dr Ramani, explained so perfectly as usual is so validating. His children that we have brought up also exhibit this coping mechanism.. It has taken me 14 years to help him relearn how to deal with life's ups and downs in a more proactive way, its been difficult as I didnt have the education, and at times felt that he was just brilliant at ignoring problems! 14 years in a loving, real relationship after 12 years of a narcissistic abusive marriage, and we still have a long way to go. I don't know what I'd do without these videos and also the community of viewers, every comment I read astounds me at how many people just get it!
This hits home-how i managed (&was blinded to) the narcs in my family, & abusive sexual relationships, & other organizations. Self-gaslighting all my life!
Dr Ramani you are the best !👏👏👏 Thanks ! A big hug from Brazil
I'm sooooo grateful to this channel for the validation.
I always felt there were certain compartment of topics where in I was supposed to say anything at all.That area was not be voiced,no opinions,only ignore
This is so true! I finally faced up to the truth of my marriage many years ago and made the decision to stay. Speaking from experience, hard as it is, it's much better to be truthful to yourself, face reality and figure out how to live the life you want. As usual Dr. Ramini you hit the nail on the head! 😘
Marie Borchardt,Your lovely smile can make the news!
I think a lot of narc survivors are not in denial...they were just uneducated about it.
With information and education, a huge shift takes place for that survivor..
You feel understood, empowered and things that never made sense before, suddenly do.
That knowledge in itself, is enough,I believe!
We don't need to take the next step... often it leads to even more trauma...we can learn to manage and grow from where we are.
We can't escape all negative situations or people in our lives.
I would leave that to God,as He knows us completely and what we need.
Thank you Dr Ramani for your videos..
They help enormously,on our paths to healing.
Before I'd heard of compartmentalisation I told a narcissist to his face 'Your box is like a box of Dairylea Cheese Portions.... each one individually wrapped and none has access to the other. You pick one out, play with it then wrap it back up and put it back and go on to the next.'. How right was I?!!!!
This makes so much sense. I used to chalk it up to him feeling guilty...um no. This is exactly what he would do. One minute tearing your head off and calling you down to the lowest, the next asking where would you like to eat like nothing ever happened. Of course never saying he was sorry. Just switching from one mode to another. I would still be simmering and hurt and processing what just happened, the next he was on to something else. At the time he would say I was dramatic or too sensitive or misunderstood or even that I couldn't let things go because I would still be upset/scared/angry/hurt. Terribly confusing. I could never make my emotions just get with the program -- his program. Your explanation of the court was spot on too. He would level horrible accusations in court, ask for the most outrageous things, accuse me and my lawyer of all manner of evil things, then walk out and talk to both of us like we were friends. I used to tell myself, at some point, you need to stop being shocked by the shocking things he does.
I would appreciate a version of this video geared especially towards those who grew up with narc. parents and how that affects them.
This has been me for years with my family, particularly my brother. I endure & deal with his vile, vile, vile behaviour and then as soon as he decides to behave with a wee bit more humanity then I would suddenly shut down one compartment and open another and just accept it and go with it without a blink of an eye. It is well trained and well ingrained family behaviour. But after many years of this ABUSE I have had enough and I have made the difficult, family dividing decision to walk away. My heart and body just couldn't take it any more.
Your story touched me because it's my story too.
I no longer have contact with my brother. Forgave him for years, but the abuse continued. I've had enough. You are not alone.
Life is better, but still a lot of healing to do. It really is a process.
@@melodyharmony8448 I'm sorry that you've had to experience that trauma too. It takes so much put of you, doesn't it. Thanks for your message. I hope that you are now on the road to healing.
@@duck7237 It does take a lot out of you. I am sorry you had to go through this trauma too. When it's a family member it's so hard. You share the same DNA but not the behavior. I hope you are healing too. Wishing you happiness. Thank you for your comment.
I'm so sorry Duck. I'm right there with you. They are either unable or unwilling to admit that their abuse is in fact abuse. You'll not change this fact. You're doing the right thing for you!
@@steviep9780 😊 thank you for your understanding and words of encouragement. I can only assume that you're speaking from experience...
Yes, it's never safe to exhale when dealing with a narc. Every time you think things might be okay you must stay vigilant.
I was just flabbergasted about the different stories my narc kept talking about to different people - but luckily he was not intelligent enough to keep track of all his lies; and of course he never thought people would start exchanging stories.... it was quite enlightening to me when I finally started doing that
The best advice for survivors.
Really wonderful message from Dr Ramani for a healthy future for survivors recovered flying monkeys and victims friends and relatives who can’t get grasp of this abuse
Oh damn!!! Ding, ding, ding. Why haven't I heard this before? God lord, this explains so much that had confused me. How we could be in the midst of our breakup but her flying off to go on stage at a major event and not have it shake her in the least.
I was asking myself, 'how can you do that while I'm torn into a million pieces?'
Now I get it.
Dr Ramani all glammed up ❤️
C Paterson,You look stunning dear
I grew up with an alcoholic mother whom I loved, so I developed a survival tactic of compartmentalising the good times (when she was sober) and the bad times (during a period of binge drinking), but never treating these two versions of the same person as the same; one I loved and the other I deeply resented for stealing away the mother I loved. I never confronted the person I loved with the misdeeds of person I disliked. I did the same with my Narc husband. I loved the fun loving and affectionate person I fell in love with and disliked the rage filled self entitled drunken person who said mean and hateful things to me; but I never said anything to the sober version! I stayed in a very toxic relationship pretending to myself for a decade that I liked this awful man! His son described him as a silk tongued snake! I was blinded by the walls of those compartments! I’m wiser now thanks to Dr Ramani’ great insights. Thanks so much. I’m divorcing him now 🙏
Dr. Ramini looks gorgeous today!
This compartmentalization video was an eye opener. It is freeing to know that you can survive if we don't allow ourserlves to be overly concerned about what the narcissist is doing, because they're going to do it anyway. I've learned that the hard way all of my life. As I become stronger in knowing who I am and since I'm not being 'bothered' or 'supported', there have been baby steps to more self care, doing things I enjoy whether alone or with friends/people who share the common interests. Especially since there is no care of how I'm enjoying myself. It's o.k. because now I'm not saying "we never do anything!, because I am!" Nothing that would harm the relationship.
Every video. I’ve lived it. She was screaming my head off. Crying. Endless tears. Aggressive finger pointing.
One minute after she stopped. Her cousin calls and it’s cheerful laughing , joking and being ok.
I had no idea how to react to this.
Thank you for the reassurance that I'm taking the right steps to remember I don't need old coping mechanisms now I'm out xx
Becki Viner,You don't deserve to be with a narcissist 😈!
Once again, you've hit the nail on the head. This is SO my ex. It was mind blowing to see him do this and, of course, I kept excusing his duplicitous behavior or blaming myself. I couldn't disagree or clash with the good Pastor in front of other people.
Wow, it amazes me every time when you give an example that hits home. My ex took pride in compartmentalizing and shamed me for having big emotions. Now that I am single, I am having to completely relearning how to express my emotions, and even having to learn what actually is healthy and normal regarding my emotions, and how to not suppress them anymore.
I wish I knew you YEARS ago. You could have helped me understand what I needed to know.
Another incredible,eye opening video. Many thanks ❤
OMGosh!! I used to call him Jekyll and Heyd! One day I actually worked up the nerve and asked him who he was that day. (Lol) Thank you Dr. Ramani for your videos. And you are a beautiful woman inside and out.
Imagine children that must compartmentalize with shared custody parents that are polar opposites
When my narcissistic mom divorced my dad, when I got to stay with my dad, it gave completely new meaning to the "Disneyland Dad". Not that he spoiled me with gifts, but that at his home, I was emotionally safe. When he passed away in 2014, I wondered so much why it couldn't have been her instead, and unfortunately for me, she knows that's how I feel.
Fragmented people pleasers...... perfect prey for a narcissist :(
You hit this one in the heart ❤ 🎯🎯🎯 . Omg. This was my livelihood, but no more. Thank you thank you., thank you for your vidros and words of wisdom and enlightement. I lived all of this and it was a nightmare. But im lucky I'm almost out of it.
The narc in my life (thank God I broke up with them decades ago) reminded me of a juggler. They were a sociopath with narcissistic tendencies. Sadly, their father was, too. Was amazed how they juggled so many relationships and friendships at once!
Brilliantly articulated! Love your videos❤️👏🏽
Im clear why im still here and clear its not good. No longer living in a manner of tricking myself. Thx for this Dr.
Dr Ramani you look so beautiful. Thank you for putting light on the subject of compartmentalizations. We have 6 grandchildren, I can use your ideas in all our relationships.
Thank you for these videos. You’re paving a path of healing for us damaged souls (even if they are filled with baby steps). Somehow helps us be able to process emotions that’s safely tucked away cuz we didn’t know how to rationalize it. Born to a narcissistic mother. Married to a narcissist for the past 11 years. (Funny, she chose my husband.) And till now I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt like I was married to a male version of my mother. Two years of gray rocking. Staying only to protect the sweetest little girl who is left confused most days as to why her dad is giving her the silent treatment even when she’s nice to him. Thank you for what you do Dr Ramani!
Fabulous, life-changing advice about living brutally honestly closing out this video starting at 11:00. Radical acceptance really is the key to opening new possibilities.
Compartmentalization often happens when you have more than one narc in your life too, it temporarily puts the other narc relationship in a better light. Live honestly, great tips at the end, thanks for this video.
This resonates with me. Dec 22, 2020, my estranged husband came to my house to drop off our eldest. He brought pizza. The kids wanted him to help decorate the tree. I was getting ready to eat when suddenly he found out that a mutual friend had come to the house that day and he flipped a switch. He accused me of talking "sh*t" about him. He called me all manner of names. Yelled. Got in my face. Took ALL of my clothes out of the closet and threw them outside. All in front of our kids (ages 8 and 2). We fought for over an hour. Then, suddenly, it was like he was finished. I was sufficiently petrified and he went into the living room, ate pizza, talked to me about sports and helped decorate the tree like NOTHING had gone on. I, on the other hand, was shaking and could barely breathe. The more I watch these, the more convinced I am that he has narcissistic tendencies.
Dr. Ramani, you are so wise and beautiful - in and out! Thank you for all the hard work, I am truly grateful! ❤
In a text, he once wondered why I wasn't "compartmentalizing"? English is my second language, so I googled the word later and stumbled over an article "sociopaths & compartmentalization". There he told on himself.