I cannot believe how much love you guys have shown me on this video. I appreciate all of you telling me your stories and sharing with me ❤ it takes so much vulnerability to do that! I will be doing a follow-up video to this one soon. If you are currently in this situation or know someone who needs help please reach out for help. (Easier said than done, I know.) ❤ DV hotline: 800-799-7233 Or text: 88788
I just watched your video here. I am hoping you are in therapy. If you aren't, please go. I can feel your pain and I can tell you are very far from being "over" that person and how you were treated. You may never be "over" it but you can feel better with help. Sometimes it just takes a very, very long time even with help. Sending happy vibes...
I know your pain I too was cheated on when I was pregnant!!! But I did have bruises just never called the cops!!! I was in my relationship for 16 years!!! Then one day my neighbor called the cops cause she was worried about me!!! And I left him after my stroke cause I was so tired of his shit always putting his hands on me!!!! He used to do this thing and grab my face super hard he even left bruises on my chin!!!
I would wait until my husband was asleep and then would pack a box. Every night (and take it to storage on my work lunch hour the next day after hiding it in my trunk). Knowing that I was packing was the only way I could breathe. I packed my whole house and he never noticed. And then I rented a house and called him and told him I was gone. He had been so so so emotionally abusive. It was 15 years ago and I still wake up every morning with a grin on my face and joy in my heart. I left. I left. I left!!!!!
I had to wait 3 months to get my pay out before I could afford to leave my abusive husband. I was terrified the whole time but had no where to go. He had been breaking my possessions so I was afraid to go to a shelter because all of my belongings would be destroyed if I left them behind. So I bought 2 key locked door knobs and installed them on to the doors of 2 rooms and moved all my belongings in to those 2 rooms. I also slept there. Husband was furious and threatened to kick the door down. NONE of his possessions were in either room. I told him to go ahead and kick the door in and I would photograph the damage and present it in court and the judge would surely give me a much better settlement than what I had agreed to. It worked, and I got through those months and got my financial settlement. Seven years since I left and I would NEVER go back!!!!
@@willieallan953 still dealing with the aftermath of extreme emotional abuse from my parents, and I am 63 years old. Invisible scars.😞 But it made me very sensitive to others feelings, I've always been very careful with my words, I don't ever want to hurt anyone, the way my parents hurt me.🥲💙
Don't forget about the people in LGBTQ+ and poly relationships who experience abuse. There was a fatal case in my city a while back involving a lesbian couple.
Im 58 and your story was my story 35 years ago. I had 3 children and stayed 15 years. He went to prison for domestic violence against me and the kids and i left for good. I eventually got remarried and we never looked back. Your story resonated so much with me. You’re so strong. Thank you for sharing your story and letting people know these situations are more common than most people know❤
I was married for 13 years to an emotionally abusive man. We married when I was 19. In 13 years we lived in 11 places and he had 9 different jobs. We screamed at each other every single day. I brought him to the ER more than once to have wall plaster dug out of his fists. No one knew and they all thought we were the perfect couple. I was so insecure that I thought he was the best I deserved. He shoved me onto the bed hard and I hit my head on the footboard hard enough to cause a large lump. That was it. Somehow I knew that would have been the start of more. I’m now 67 years old and I remember the abuse like it was yesterday. Thankfully at 35 I found a man who treats me like gold. We’ve been married for 32 very happy years!
So happy you got away. I lived with that too and it took me 23 years total to get away from him/ Best decision I ever made. I also found my 2nd husband who has been the joy of my life!
But what if that doesn't happen, on finding a good person? N when I try n break up with him, he uses silent treatment as my punishment. Can't see my kiddos that I raised of his many years or the dogs we have. We live 40 minutes apart now. I then get so heartbroken. N call him n it repeats. I listen to him on everything. Idky. But I prob won't find anyone better n I'm the reason for everything. Why would anyone want me? I'm lucky to have him he says all the time. I got clean from drugs 6 months before I met him n it's like he's my drug now. I can't do anything without him but he won't help n do anything so I think why go thru the begging, he won't help fix say my tired. N I end up doing or figuring it all out myself after all that stress with begging for help which he won't do. I should know how to fix the water heater etc. I need to learn to love myself, hopefully Someday I will. Sorry I'm rambling, basically I'm trying to say, I understand fully what uve been thru n how do u know ull find someone? I have a disease that I'm gonna start breaking bones more n more. I'm gonna need a lot of help n I can't put that on anyone. He doesn't do anything, he won't pick up my meds even if I've already paid for them so free, n also even if he's literally getting his meds right there. He'd rather I suffer.
@@7614Kids oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Please, please, please ask someone for help. I will pray for you to find peace and to learn to love and respect yourself. Be proud of your sobriety. That is a HUGE accomplishment that took incredible strength. Go to meetings, make friends keep positive thoughts and I’m sure you’ll succeed. 💛💛
I was raised by a horribly abusive Dad. He would use his fists , feet , 4 sided yardstick. My brother , sister , and I would get on the bus so absolutely bruised , big welts on our bodies that every bump the bus hit sent us all into extreme agony. I moved away from home at 17 cuz I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up getting married at 18 to an equally abusive man. I ended up bloodied and battered more than once a day. I was working at the local hospital as a CNA and after ending up in the ER several times was quickly let go. He was an alcoholic and without fail , every weekend he was arrested for various reasons. 4.5 years later he threw me out of the house that my 2 jobs paid all of the bills. He chased me half way down main street with a loaded shot gun pointed at the back of my head. Luckily the city cop was parked at the end of main street and quickly pulled up , threw me behind his door , pulled his gun on my then husband. After he had him face down on the street and in handcuffs , he unloaded the shot gun , and told me to run to my friends house and after he jailed him , he came to check on me. I filed for divorce the next day. A year later I met my present husband. He was an absolute God send. Almost 40 years later , we had 4 kids during the first 10 years , and now have 7 wonderful grandchildren. Leaving that abusive relationship was the best thing I ever did.
Bc when you come from a narcissistic family you often end up in narcissistic romances too. You’ve learned to be blind to it. I really hope that isn’t your story. It’s mine and took me decades to figure my way out.
I remember being 8 and everyone in my family was talking about how great of a guy my abuser was. How they wish he were around and not me. Even my younger brother.
I agree. My ex I was with for 11 years. My family told me he changed and had gotten married. I was happy for him. But found out his marriage only lasted 1 and a half. So obviously, he didn't change.
3 days before I got married the first time my Mother asked me if I was sure and told me it was not too late to change my mind. I told her I loved him and knew what I was doing. (I was 21 and in a sexual haze!) I divorced him after being married over 20 years and it was hard and scary because I was stalked and threatened but I made it. Remarried a few years later and still married and it has been 22 year married plus 2 years lived together.
My best girlfriend was the ONLY PERSON who literally BEGGED me NOT to marry my narc husband She pleaded over n over not to go through w the wedding but he had me n everyone fooled except her (I didn’t understand why. N proceeded to marry him) It is the absolute worse decision of my life It’s been 38 years of marriage n I literally just learned FIVE years ago what the word narcissist meant While dating I saw several behaviors that were unsettling n one that he promised to stop. I was such a trusting person w everyone in general that I believed him I had no idea he was from the beginning leading a nasty immoral pathological lying life n I was totally oblivious!!!!! When my eyes were opened n I saw looked back n today I had to learn to forgive myself Ive “developed “ quite a number of very serious health problems including trying to commit suicide In 2013 he told me “im ok w u killing urself as long as u don’t do it violently” Verbal mental emotional spiritual financial abuse but no physical abuse The damage done by the above abuses have changed me completely I use to be pretty (no bragging) but now I look haggard thinning hair overweight fatigue all the time lost my “personality” sense of humor etc I don’t recognize the reflection in the mirror Worst part? He’s a minister Everyone loves him Thinks he so funny Mask in public No mask behind closed doors Abuse every single day No exaggeration whatsoever Thank you for letting me share
What's even worse is when everyone else thinks the guy is so sweet and loving and takes such good care of you and you just want to scream out...how is everyone so blind. 😢
Exactly the same thing that happened to my dsughter. He was liked by everyone and nobody believed her. Even though seperated he still treats her very bafly
this was me with my ex, he is a very social person so when we broke up all his friends and everyone assumed I was at fault bc they didn't know what he put me through behind closed doors.
I never realized that DV could be emotional abuse until I was out of the relationship. No bruises either, just a decade of emotional abuse,gaslighting, and manipulation. Thankfully I’m in a much better place now ❤️
I worked in human services for 40 years and when I was in my late 30s I was sent to a training on emotional abuse and I sat there in that training going OMG he does that , I do that , WE do that! I could not believe it. Went to therapy alone because he would not go as there was nothing wrong with HIM. I did get away but it still took a few years. Best decision I ever made!
I am also a DV survivor. I don’t know if you will actually see this but I want to tell you with all of my being that I am SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU. People don’t know what to say when they hear these types of things… they don’t want to believe that it is possible. They secretly want us to be lying or exaggerating… because nobody wants to hear the truth. I hear you, I see you and I believe you ❤.
After high school I moved in with a guy that was a manager for a company. Serious dv. I said I was moving out, and he killed my pets while I was at work. 30 years later, one night I had a knock at my door. ( my gramparent used to live here). I didn't recognize him till he said " I'm derek, I'm looking for lisa." I used to be really pretty with long hair. I now have short hair Thank God he didn't recognize me, and thank God I don't turn on any porch or outside lights. It was so dark that he couldn't see my face! I tried to change my voice and said " she don't live here." He said " where does she live?" I said she moved out of town with her husband." I did a background check on him and found that he had been in prison for years for violating a restraining order and attempted murder on a girl. He never left a single bruise on me while we're together. But the terror and danger were level 10.
Some women fall for these men due to childhood abuse/trauma. It’s like we grow so accustomed to abuse we accept it as normal. No self-esteem at all. Thinking it’s all we deserve and if we just try harder things will be different. It even affects how we raised our own kids. That control is crazy.
If you are in a similar situation, make sure you have your important papers (birth certificate, social security card) in a safe place. When you leave, take those. Everything else can be replaced. I lost everything else, but I gained my life, my sanity and my self-respect. Cut off the relationship like major surgery. Escape to a better future.
Put your important documents in a safety deposit box in a bank that only you have a key to, preferably in an account that he doesn't know about (have an alternate address where the statements go, if possible).
I did cartwheels for you when you said he unalived himself. Never ever ever feel guilty about that or like it was in any way your fault. That ending wasn't unexpected at all. The surprise is that he didn't take the lives of you and your son before his own, which is what happens when they know they've lost control over you and you try to leave. You're free, and that is such an amazing gift. ❤
Sadly, it is not at all outside the realm of possibility that this could have been the outcome. How many women have their lives taken away in this exact same manner? It’s a good thing he was so far away. These people know no boundaries, can’t respect yours and become vengeful when they lose control over their victims. They resort to all sorts of sadistic, manipulative and violent behavior, all while posing either as perfect husbands or victims to the outside world. It’s a terrifying experience. I’m glad you survived this. The internal bruises are very difficult to heal. But as absurd as this will sound, it actually could have been worse.
Controlling behavior, insults that are thinly veiled become more open, your sense of self gets bruised and they take advantage of that. Thank God I got out
@@mariesara mine was never physically abusive, and because of that, I stayed far too long. Once I was divorcing him, he chest butted me. It was in public, so did not go further than that. But that act was the key that completely released me.
First, congratulations for being brave enough to share. Second, I’m so proud of you for putting Kelly first. You are NEVER, NEVER responsible for another persons actions. When someone you love so deeply hurts you so deeply it does something to the love you thought you shared. I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. We never had children. We moved a lot. He even went to prison and I would go every Sunday to visit, like a good little girl. But, one day I just walked away. Years later I ran into him at McDonald’s. I was with my now husband and two children. He told me he had cancer. I felt nothing. Later, when he died, I felt nothing. I didn’t go to the funeral. Didn’t give condolences to his family. Nothing. This was my very first love. I gave up everything for him. But, after 12 years I came to realize he didn’t give up anything. He didn’t love me. I’m sorry you had to live through this. Im sorry Kelly will never know his biological father. I never knew my biological father, either. But my Daddy that did love me, that gave me his last name, that raised me to be a strong independent woman was the best Daddy ever. And, I believe if Kelly gets the love and nourishment he needs from his father figure he will not become a statistic. Love and prayers to you both. ❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for sharing your story with me! 12 years is a long time, and I am beyond happy that you had the strength to walk away. That takes so much! Feeling nothing when your abuser passes is so normal. I felt so much shame for that, but it is incredibly valid. I am glad that you had someone step in as a father and raise you. Watching kelly and colton bond just makes my heart so happy. Hugs and love!! ❤️
This is so much more common than the typical "Bruises" abuse. My ex husband was emotionally abusive, controlling, financially abusive... I met him while we were serving in the Navy and moved from Rhode Island, where we had been stationed, to Virginia, his home state. In Rhode Island, I should have seen the signs/red flags but ignored them. He didn't like me talking to other guys, even if they were in my unit. We moved into our first apartment after he returned from a Med Cruise (six months at sea) and I was nearly seven months pregnant when he returned. He was very kind and sweet while I was pregnant, but as soon as I went into labor is when the controlling and verbal abuse began in earnest. In the hospital, I was in labor and he'd bark orders at me, expecting me to "hurry it up." Excuse me? Not like I had much of a choice here. But it got gradually worse. It was stupid stuff at first, things I could easily ignore or shrug off. It was when he was re-stationed outside DC and we moved to his home state of Virginia is when he became even more controlling. We moved to his home town, over a two hour drive from his office. He cut off the Long distance telephone service (this was pre-cell phones and everyone had landlines) so I couldn't call my family or friends in Illinois. He refused to allow me to drive anywhere on my own. I had to call his mother or sister for rides. When they finally convinced him to let me have my own car, he made sure it was a clunker that couldn't go far so I'd only be able to use it to run local errands. He forced me to have a Naval doctor, not a local one that was over an hour and a half drive away. This also meant I couldn't set my own appointments because it was a long distance phone call. He would shove me into walls, doors, onto the bed or sofa. He would grab my wrist, but in such a way that it didn't leave marks but I could not twist out of it. He, at one point, actually said to me: "I'll never hit you where it will leave a mark so you can't prove it!" Finally, after two years of this abuse, I caught him cheating on me. I kicked him out, told him to pack a bag and go stay with his mother. Luckily I was on EXTREMELY good terms with my In Laws. They loved me but had no idea of what was going on. When I kicked him out, I immediately called my father in law and told him why my husband was heading over. My father in law was amazing. He told me to not be scared that he couldn't hurt me anymore. A few days later I rented a moving truck and started packing up to leave. My father in law even came over to help. He told me: "Don't you worry, if he even tries to fight you for custody (of our two year old son) we'll fight him for custody and get him back to you where he belongs!" Thankfully my In Laws were amazing people, salt of the Earth and I loved them dearly. They helped me get out of that abusive situation with their own son!
Sorry to hear you endured this trauma. You were fortunate he took his life or he might have taken yours and you get to raise your son in a positive environment! And you have moved on. I have being in your shoes...so I too say to others going through this, the exact same stuff you are telling..get out soon as possible, listen to your gut. Wishing you the best in your future.
@@karengrimshaw1414 He didn't take his life. He threatened to take mine! He shoved the end of the shotgun in MY mouth! I pulled back and said: "You go right ahead and pull that trigger! You know what will happen next? You'd be put away for life in the brig (US Navy), your parents would disown you and you'd never see your son again! So, go right ahead! I've given up EVERYTHING for my son. I'd gladly give up my life to make sure you NEVER see him again!" I don't know where that came from, somewhere deep inside me. But he backed off and walked out the door.
I have wondered this myself. Only one time did I hear someone ( my dad's nephews wife) stand up to my dad. I spilled milk and he was berating and belittling me, with: verbal and emotional abuse. I was filled with shame ( not mine to carry) fear , embarrassed, and feeling very alone. She said , you shouldn't treat her like that. Being treated abusively, was the norm. I haven't seen Ellen , in decades . It takes courage to speak up and speak the truth about abuse. I think there's many reasons. One may be they also fear the abuser themselves. Another reason is they justify not speaking up or reporting it, by saying ,it's none of their business. It's a personal affair. Maybe , you want to stay on the good side of the abuser , because of an emotional investment, they offer you , something that's to your advantage , like: money, vacations, a pay check, friendship ,etc. Abusers don't abuse everyone . They have their scapegoat or victims . They can be charming , have an agenda, are charismatic , If your friends are with the abuser , then it's sad but others will not speak up for the victim. There's a duality going on.
I’m sorry that happened. Horrible. People look the other way. It REALLY bothers me that any mother would allow this to happen. I don’t care how poor you are, walk out. Start in a shelter and it will get better in time. Keep working toward independence. It’s always the better choice. Talking to those still in abuse.
I was in an abusive marriage for 13 years . No one knew. He was very charismatic and had everyone convinced that if we had any problems in our marriage that they were because of me.
I am a survivor! U r a survivor! It's been 44 yrs and I thank God every day,every night that I was strong enough to leave with my 2 children and 8 months pregnant! U will b ok child! God bless and good wishes from Trinidad!
It seems that it’s that break from each other that allows you to step back and see what you have been accepting, without realizing how ugly things have become.
Well said. Your story is very much like mine, except you got out of it sooner. Mine was long ago. Thanks for putting out the message. I would just like to add: IF ONE STAYS, YOUR KIDS WILL BE DAMAGED. No matter how many things you engage them in, no matter how much love you give them, no matter how many excuses you make for daddy, no matter how many hoops you jump through. They WILL BE AFFECTED by disrespect and verbal, mental or physical violence. There's no such thing as making it up to them.
Unfortunately, you are right. I did everything I could to shield my children and give them the tools for life. All 3 have sought therapy and only one is doing ok but is on various medications to help.
in awe of your strength and bravery, little sister. i am married to a wonderful man, who was raised by his mother, who had been severely abused by his 2 step-dads. She made sure all of her 4 sons knew how she had been treated, and what she would do to THEM if they ever laid a hand on a partner. All of them have been model husbands and fathers who credit their mother's strength and example for the men they have become.
Recognized a lot of stuff from my first marriage. My current husband I remember when I was trying to juggle so many thing and get dinner made. He called me when I was picking up my daughter and I told him I was in my way home then I could get dinner started. He said “I can start dinner “ I just posed I think my mouth literally fell open. I had to tell him I guess you can boil water for the noodles. I didn’t mean to insult him I just never had help only criticism or if I did have “help” it came with so much emotional distress and energy it was just easier to juggle it all myself. Even asking him to take out the trash after I literally did everything else he was ask why I couldn’t do it. My husband now takes out the trash not only do I not have to break down crying, but I don’t even have to ask😮. It sounds sad when you say it out loud, but that was my life for years. And like you it was good in the beginning and I never had any physical bruises.
I am so happy that you got out of that marriage and found who you are with now! The whole narrative of your everyday life changes when they are gone. Not to mention, when you get into a healthy relationship, it is literally SHOCKING. You deserve someone who makes you feel less stressed, and you dont have to ask things of. I am so proud of you and i know out kiddos are happy to see us thriving in healthy relationships ❤️❤️
Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. It amazes me people think DV is only physical. I survived verbal, emotional and mental/psychological abuse. As a writer, you understand the impact of words, tone of voice, even the looks from your partner. When I got into a DV survivors’ group; the internal work within ourselves when things started to escalate was so helpful (and you mentioned that at points) and shifted the focus from him (narcissistic) to myself. I could not change him, but over time I began to change my response to him. I worked on me. I eventually did get out with my son in a safe & non-violent manner. His behaviour towards me worsened in that he tried to maintain control, but he didn’t succeed. Our son still loves us both and is grown now. It was tough for a while, but the more I saw my ex’s behaviour towards me, the better I felt about my decision to leave, so my son wasn’t exposed to a toxic home environment any more.
I used to work in a domestic violence shelter. It was so frustrating and difficult to witness women, with their children and some without, still be in contact with their abusers, while seeking shelter away from them, only to return to them later. I’m so happy for your peace and willingness to be honest with the world, as other men and women need to be educated and see by your example that they can survive without that so called loving partner, and be 100 percent better off without the fear, conditional love and financial support. You did it and they too can do it. So happy for you and your child to be safe and free and learn that any kind of abuse is not be an acceptable way to live. Keep telling your story.❤
Did you ever think that because most of us don't know we've come down with Stockholm syndrome we reach out bust down doors and are turned away constantly and not believe so we turn back to the abuser did you ever think there's more behind it than your empty blanketed statement?
It's really sad that there's less shelters for women and men for abuse then there are shelters and places and resources for drug addicts and alcoholics that choose to do that to themselves because that's not disease and yet they get the world handed to them . Abused women and men have almost zero resources. The most important thing missing is the qualified shrinks that don't gaslight you when you finally reach out. Thus this kind of abuse has nearly no qualifications to treat these victims. Plus leaving that situation most of the time the shelters make u leave the animal behind which is slowly changing but not fast enough and the abuser always uses that animal and either kills it right in front of you or WORSE. I appreciate your thoughts and input but please if u had the experience with working with victims watch how u say what you say.
@@TheShizNat the shelters don't help. Even if they have space you get six weeks then you are out on your own. When I told them I don't have money they very snottily replied you can't get a job in six weeks? I'm disabled. I can't even work. But even if I could six weeks is nothing for getting a job, money and finding housing. It's a joke. The system cares less than your abuser. At least he puts a roof over my head.
You just told my story. To a tee!! All the way to the self harm! Except, my ex lived and tormented us for the next 12 years!! The ONLY reason he has stopped is because he lost one of his legs. These personality disorders are no joke!! They are scary, violent, vindictive and harmful!!! I’m so glad you and son didn’t have to endure anymore than you did. ❤
I’m sure his thinking was “I’ll make her sorry,” but the joke was on him. His last swing at manipulation was actually a gift of freedom. I’m so glad you have found happiness and are healing from your bad relationship. 🙏
When i met my ex he had a story about how he did have his kids due to an accident that left him in the hospital for days. And he was trying to get them back especially after we got together cause i could help with the kids. I got pregnant and he was still using his other kids to manipulate me into being with him. One day when i was about 6wks he left for the day and my parents came to get me. When i got home he was messaging me saying he would use my depression to get custody of the baby when it was born. I couldnt bond with my child because i was afraid of losing this baby to him. I was around 4mos when i learned the abuse "his ex-girlfriend/kids mom" did to the kids was actually him confessing. And when i say it was bad i mean i dont know how hes not in jail. I also found out beside the 2 kids i knew about he had at least 3 others he was not involved with. My daughter is 7yo and im still terrified he will come around to try and take her.
My former husband was careful not to leave bruises in casually seen locations. Ie. My face, arms etc. He broke ribs. Leaving a damaged body...he almost killed me several times. In the last attack he was choking me and said "I "m going to kill you. " I believed him. He had me pushed back against the kitchen counter. I was able to reach behind me and grabbed a steak knife. I stabbed him. He stared screaming "You killed me!" I didn't. It was a superficial wound. I escaped. Divorce and a permanent restraining order against him was granted. I am lucky to be alive.
Omg how many of us ladies share this story? I got the smothering thing…. Covering my nose and mouth to the point of almost blacking out. Fractured ribs…things thrown at the pelvic region where no bruises were visible to an outsider. How can they live with themselves? Thankfully I was not physically harmed too much while pregnant but those poor little souls feel our trauma, I know they do. I endured a lot to try to shied my children but it would have been much better to leave and rebuild. Hindsight is 20/20. Love to all❤….
I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m a DV survivor, too. My story is similar to yours. I stayed for 25 years. I have been out for 6 years, and I’m still healing. When you are in the middle of all of it, you don’t see the toxicity. Thank you for sharing your story! It’s time to educate people on Domestic Violence. People need to know that abuse isn’t always physical. The emotional trauma is real. I wish you and your son healing, and happiness! ❤
Too many of us have had abusive partners!! Thank you for sharing your story, it was very brave of you!! I was young and dumb, but got out and now have a wonderful husband of 34 years.
No ones ever talked about it like this before. My ex too knew exactly how to hurt and terrify without ever leaving a mark. The eye contact. Daring me to leave…. Big hug from one survivor to another. I see you. ❤️
My friend lives with an abuser and that just breaks my hart. Every time I remind her that she can take her 2 kids and come live with me for a while, but she's not ready to do that:( I hope, she will at some point. I'm so proud of you, girl. I know how difficult it was to leave him.
I hope she will do that too, when she feels it's safe and the right time to do so. She may need to make a plan. She's lucky for a patient friend like you. Some people give up. There are DV agencies that will help you help her make plans. (of course, calling 911 is first if it's an absolute emergency.)
Please contact a domestic violence shelter. Tell them about your friend. They can help you figure out what you can do to help your friend. I would tell her she can leave an emergency bag at your place. She may have to leave with only the clothes on her and the kids backs. An emergency bag will have dental care, basic hygiene and maybe money or gift cards to Walmart. So she can buy supplies.
It’s incredible how almost identical our stories are! IDENTICAL! from talking keys, purse, phone, making threats, abuse in a way with no proof. Always had to be out, the pushing too hard.. getting pregnant when you were thinking of ending it. Almost everything!
I’m a Libby too! I also had an abusive relationship. My first marriage and my son’s father, I too was young. I realize now 40 years later I have PTSD any arguments between a man and woman upset me more than it should.😮 It’s rough but I’m learning why it upsets me so and through the love of Jesus Christ I am healing!!
Thank you Libby for sharing your story. I'm going to share this with my daughter whose going through her own ordeal with an mentally abusive man. The mixed feelings about his death you have are so understandable. I'm so proud you cared about yourself and your son enough to get out of that situation. You are an inspiration. ❤
I have experienced something similar. And I am still going through it even though I left the relationship. I am disabled, and so he has the kids and uses them as leverage. It's not even the times where he put his hands on me that bother me, but the manipulation, controlling, gaslighting, and the way he made me feel like my job was in Jeopardy because he wouldn't take me to work or watch the kids if I did something he didn't like. This kind of stuff is so disgusting and revolting, and yet it is so hard to describe two people who haven't experienced it
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. You are wonderful and beautiful and your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful Mom! lotsa love. xoxo
I went through something very similar. The love bombing, the gas lightening, the emotional abuse, the financial abuse and the mental abuse. Physical abuse did happen but all the other abuse had a last effect on my mental health. I already had CPTSD and BPD I left with dependent personality disorder. I barely remember anything. It's a big blur. Longest 4 and half years ever.
Thank you for sharing this. I love you. I love your courage. So many of us hide our stories because we feel embarrassed or ashamed. And we aren't to blame for what happened to us.
Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That…” & “When Dad Hurts Mom…” books really helped me understand the dynamic at hand and how to better protect my daughter and I. We were never hit either, but on the other end of a list of other abusive behaviors too. There is hope to not internalize an abusive person’s abuse.
He was a sociopath with narcissistic traits as narcissism is part of the sociopathic makeup. My dad is a professionally diagnosed sociopath who has abused his way through 3 wives and gone to prison for sexual abuse of a minor twice. I was his first daughter and victim, but back in the 70s the police simply said it was a domestic affair, thus did nothing. Laws changed by the time he exploited a step daughter in 1990. Being charming and mirroring his victim of choice is a part of the oackage. Once they have properly caught and secured their victim then they begin breaking them down. I believe this is why the abuse ramps up once we are pregnant. My mom has BPD with covert Narcissistic traits. I grew up an emotional train wreck thus rejected all opportunities for a relationship with non abusive young men (they felt boring to me) and thus married a guy and experienced a relationship similar to the one described in this video, sans the obvious cheating. I'm confident my ex spouse did cheat but not in the blatant manner of this guy. But the abuse cycle hits very close to home. My escape came after a 7 year path of emotional healing on myself. I first had to grieve the pain and trauma of my childhood and continue on a path of becoming independent with some self confidence until I was emotionally self secure enough to leave.. I made my final escape after 17 years of marriage.
I'm so glad you have found a partner who loves you. My childhood was traumatic because my mother remarried a narcissistic b@*$t@rd and never left him.😢
Oh Libby. I just watched your video 😢. I want to give you a big hug. I admire your strength. I am 4 and a half years out of a narcissistic marriage. We don't see the red flags in the beginning because they are so good at what they do but they can't keep the facade up forever, that is when we start seeing the red flags but their manipulation has you questioning your own sanity. Whenever I questioned my husband about his cheating, I also got the response "you've been having another one of your bad dreams". So yes, I felt your pain. Keep your videos coming, you are amazing ❤️
Thank you Libby for sharing this. Abuse is abuse. You were physically, emotionally, socially, financially, abused. Bruises or no, physical harm or no, abuse is abuse. Also please forgive me for saying so, but if you never went to a memorial service for your abuser, never saw an obituary, etc., wouldn't it be possible his friend lied that he died? In my experience suicidal threats from the likes of him are empty threats and they are there to make the victim feel guilty and responsible for the other person's happiness. When you told your story, i couldn't help but wonder if this was a lie to get him out of being a father to your child. And an attempt to make you feel bad for not complying with his unreasonable demands. A parting shot. But also a way to hurt you even worse if he shows up again later demanding anything like custody or visitation. Again, forgive me. I've simply seen some crazy shit out here and wanted to clue you in to the idea just in case. You may have direct evidence of his death which would make this speculation ridiculous. Regardless of all that paranoid nonsense of mine, you are a strong person and a survivor. Plus you are a fun and vibrant person. Dont give up - you are worth it all!
You are so brave 👏🏻👏🏻👍 and no doubt you help people by sharing. This is the second video of yours I’ve watched, I do hope you are still happy with your friend.
I have physical and emotional scars and I have found nearly 50 years later that many people knew something was wrong but did nothing to stop it. This channeled my whole life. I have feared relationships because I was afraid of getting hurt again. Nobody did a damn thing
Having been on the receiving end of both types of abuse, I can tell you a million years later, the words have stayed with me. You’re worth so much more, getting out can seem impossible, but you can do it. Even if you pack one item at a time, make a plan to get away. Even if you have to leave with nothing but the clothes on your back ❤️ There’s organisations that can help you 🙏
I always said if he had hit me I would have been gone but did not recognize the emotional and mental abuse for years. I kept thinking I could fix it. I was so very wrong.
I agree Jane. I felt so alone going through it & I was out of state from my family. When I did come back to my state, it got worse & the police didn't believe me... You are right. Thanks, take care.
Thankyou for sharing your story. I work with women survivors and am so grateful to be able to help them in the healing and moving forward process. I am always in awe of the strength these women have to be able leave, to save their lives and their children's lives. I've worked with women who have had boiling oil poured over them, stabbed, violently raped, kicked to within an inch of their lives. The horror stories I hear break my heart, fuel my anger, and disgust to know a human can inflict so much pain to another. I am also so proud of these women for gaining strength when often they have no family or social networks, but they are surviving regardless of the physical and emotional scars. And for those who can't escape I pray they find a way out before their lives are taken. So to all the women out there, PLEASE find strength, remember your worth, you can and you will survive. My love to all women survivors and those just surviving, day by day, living in toxicity until they have the opportunity to get out. ❤❤
He was jealous of the newborn. That's probably why he wasn't there the first three days snd why he ridiculed how you cared for the baby. He saw you were a good momma. 🙂 You are a strong woman. I hope you know that!❤
That’s exactly what I thought: jealous of the baby!! And perhaps punishment for giving the baby any attention at all, “at his expense” on top of that. I kid you not: my narcissistic sociopathic ex told me flat out, as I was bathing my son, that HE should be my priority (as opposed to the baby) and that if it wasn’t for HIM, my son wouldn’t exist. How psychologically disturbed do you need to be to suggest neglecting a child over a full grown adult’s need for validation?? I seriously had NO answer to that when he blurted out the words, all I could think about was “he can’t be serious”. But he was. And the months that followed were nothing short of pure vengeful evil emotional and psychological torture, threats (against me implied and otherwise), threats to unalive himself just to see how I would react and much more. All culminating in PA, which was when I left. I think the issue with these men is twofold. Firstly, they can’t bear the feeling of not being the center of our world after the birth of a child. Secondly, if they were brought up by an abusive, narcissistic mother themselves, they don’t have a frame of reference for a child actually being loved and cared for. So when they see it and this is the very behavior they are trying to have focused back on them, it creates insane jealousy towards the child. Not only did they not get it from their mothers, but now you’re giving it to someone else. That’s my best shot at an explanation (NOT justification) on why they get so jealous when a child is born. It took me a while to wrap my mind around the fact that while I could have sympathy for how he was abused as a child, that did NOT excuse his abuse towards anyone as an adult. Many children who are brought up in very abusive environments grow up to be decent, kind, generous and empathetic adults. It’s a mistake to think that people are either victims or abusers. These things aren’t mutually exclusive. A father who can’t even stand being around his own newborn for 3 days after birth is not even a walking red flag anymore. This is a deep level of emotional abuse, to leave your wife, a first time mother no less, completely abandoned after delivering. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to me too. I pray to God that every woman here who has been victimized by these disturbed individuals can find enough healing and peace.
I was 14 he was 16. Soo charming. My family tried to make me see reason. Very cunning I didn't listen I was snared. 51 years later I got educated in Narrisism. I do my best to heal but I've lost my life to coercive manipulation. You are young and time is on your side, move forward in your own time there no time limit on healing. ❤
You poor girl. What a terrible experience. Most of us have no idea what's going on behind other closed doors. Well done for speaking out. Well done for getting through it all and still having a beautiful smile for the world.
I'm so proud of you in finding courage in sharing your story which will help so many people that are being abused as well as healing your wounds by telling your story 🙏🙌🙏 I to survived an abusive marriage back in the 80's when people NEVER talked about this. It was hell living with him and hell living without any support from family and friends BUT that made me stronger 💪 💯 I found this amazing counselor that helped me to heal my wounded self for 3 years which saved my life. I then met my beloved present husband and have two children together. We live a magical existence together ❤️ The day I escaped was the day I saved my life 🙏
I'm so sorry you experienced the abuse and the ultimate abandonment of suicide - but I fully get your relief and the space to be yourself and a good mom to your son.
I was just watching your testimony about your ex-husband. It brought tears to my eyes. It’s so true that hurting people hurt people.. I’m so sorry that it ended so tragically but that you and your son are OK today with someone wonderful in your life. I just started watching you a couple of times now. I watched about a week ago when you and your son got that small Christmas tree. It was the sweetest video I had seen in so long. Some of us decorate all the different rooms and has to be a perfect looking tree, etc.,, when you showed so many How sweet it was to shop for that little tree with your son and the joy he had decorating it with you. The love you showed him just the two of you being together was so sweet. It touched my heart. May God continue to bless you today and always❤❤
I'm so sorry that you went through this. Thank you for not giving all the brutal details. God bless you, sweetheart. ❤ I'm working to heal my insecure attachment style, and so many people who don't get out of these situations also struggle to believe they are worthy of love. I'm sending prayers that you will continue to find healing.❤🙏🏻
I am so glad you are here to tell your truth. I watched my daughter go through it. Oh she would not tell me or confirm but i felt something was very wrong. It escalated to him having a gun to her head. And he was a correctional officer. Well he screwed up and is serving 9 years in prison. She is now very happy and married to a good man. It took time but she is doing great. I pray that for you
Thank you for sharing your story. I also survived a very abusive relationship (married). So much of what you said took me back to that horrible time in my life. I survived and although it was hard raising 3 children on my own, I've been grateful to have made it out alive. I know he would have done something to me. I remember waking up at night to find him standing over me with a knife in his hand. You are a survivor too. I wish you healing and happiness.
Oh my Goddess 😭you are such an amazing inspiration person. It is so hard to know how the abuser would put your life in a dark place. I lost my sister with domestic violence. Still this day it really hurts me never heal from the trauma. I am glad you moved on, as the same time all the feeling you felt is valid. May God heal your heart and give you a purpose to help others to be more aware of the toxic relationship.
So many of us have been through something similar to this, bruises or no. Thank you for being brave and kind enough to share your story. There are so many people out there now going through this that need to know that they are not alone. You are truly an inspiration.
I read in a 1991 study that the third leading cause of death for a psychopath is self deletion. First and second were equally red rum or accident. It’s been over a decade since I read the study, but they went onto explain that since psychopaths don’t have attachment and empathy. If they get back into a corner, they just push game over….. there are many reasons for self deletion but psychopath and borderline often do it As a disgusting last gaslight. Thank you for sharing. Your story is very similar to mine. God bless you for your bravery and sharing and I wish you the best life for you and your child and your boyfriend.
I just found your channel. Oh boy, I am so sorry what you went through. I am so glad you are safe and happy. Just by the way you speak, you seem a beautiful soul. Love and best wishes to you and your family💞
Libby, you need to look at where you are now. See how strong you are. Never go back. Repair yourself. It may take a longtime. You need to value yourself. I stayed in a relationship, believed in marriage. My mother passed comment to me one day, when she was visiting. She told me he was so charming, but if you think he’s fooling me, or I don’t see what you’ve become, you are mistaken. It was like I needed permission to get the hell away from him. She said my sons were learning this is acceptable for men to treat women like this. My daughter would think his behaviour was right. Having children will not help you with a narcissistic psychopathic personality.
My ex-husband used to say that because he didn't punch me in the face, it wasn't abuse. I left him 20 years ago. The mental and emotional abuse still creeps up on me from time to time. The worst part of it all is he loved to slp me in my left ear. He destroyed my equilibrium in that ear. Long-term results of that, I am now disabled and no longer allowed to drive! Due to the balance and distance issues, I have suffered more than 40 concussions. I have permanent brain damage.
I was just watching your testimony about your ex-husband. It brought tears to my eyes. It’s so true that hurting people hurt people.. I’m so sorry that it ended so tragically but that you and your son are OK today with someone wonderful in your life. I just started watching you a couple of times now. I watched about a week ago when you and your son got that small Christmas tree. It was the sweetest video I had seen in so long. Some of us decorate all the different rooms and has to be a perfect looking tree, etc.,, when you showed so many How sweet it was to shop for that little tree with your son and the joy he had decorating it with you. The love you showed him just the two of you being together was so sweet. It touched my heart. May God continue to bless you today and always❤❤ PS by sharing your testimony you’re going to help so many others that maybe are in the same situation right now that you were in. I know it’s hard to share such personal things, but if you can help someone else you’re doing such a wonderful thing by sharing.
Bless your heart- I agree-domestic violence is abuse in all forms - I won’t deal with a relationship because I remember the horrible feelings of being trapped
I'm so glad you got out. Thank you for sharing your story. When you said your thoughts were "I'm a single mom, what am I supposed to do ?" " You're supposed to LEAVE ! That's what you're supposed to do." That made me cry. I didn't have a job, '"What am I supposed to do?" And I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what was happening. I stayed partly out of embarrassment. Dumb reason to stay.... I always pretended everything was fine, because if we ended up staying together, I didn't want everyone to hate him..... So dumb When I went to a friend's house, he literally showed up and took my car keys and dragged my suitcase and all of my stuff back to his car and to his apartment.... Ugh anyway too many triggery stories from DV to tell. ( I'm glad he was rude to you at delivery because it helped your decision to end it. ) It took me several times of trying to leave, and him gaslighting me to give another chance, before I stayed out for good. I'm so proud of you and glad you have a kind person to be with now ! ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing your story. Its so hard to revisit those memories. Im so glad that is not your life anymore. Theres no dumb reasons to why you did what you had to do to survive. ❤️❤️
You have no idea how much I needed to hear this thank you ❤ I’m also a survivor of domestic violence and also had no bruises thank you and I am so sorry for what you went through sending you love and healing ❤
You are such a strong young woman. Thank you for sharing your story. One thing you said that really stands out: Don’t invalidate yourself; it’s just their voice in your head and it’s bullshit. That is spot on. ❤
I really admire you. You have suffered so much. You have an inner strength that you don't realize you have. You are ready to actually enjoy the ride. The uphill climb is over.
Do NOT feel sad about his suicide! I went through something similar, although , as far as I know, he’s still alive. It’s been 38 years and I still have nightmares. I had two sons from a previous marriage and he took advantage of how bad I felt about myself from the divorce. We had a son together who he used as a weapon when I didn’t do what he wanted me to do. I finally had enough and went to a community college to get a better education so I could get a good job. Obviously, my being independent didn’t go over very well. He would use his middle finger and poke me in the middle of my breasts where no one could see. I moved out with my 11 year old son(my other sons had joined the service and were gone). I got a good job and put my son through college. We are strong and resilient!
A lot of this mirrors my 18 yr marriage. Newly divorced in my 60’s but enjoying my life now. I had to get an harassment order in place to leave which made it easier to start the healing process. Thank you for sharing.
One of the benefits of getting older is that I would have zero guilt for feeling relieved that he’s gone. Hands down. Better for your son to be sad over the loss of his dad than to be damaged every day of his young life by an abusive man. Set boundaries early and often and watch his reaction. It’s the best way to know his true character.
Im glad I see a video that mentions the gaslighting and everything. Most of my stuff was all of that and I constantly told people I'd rather be hit than mentally, emotionally, gaslit, etc The amount of times I wanted to unalive myself and even had plans in place at one point....a few times were impulses though, and im surprised I didn't (obviously) end up doing it. I hope you're doing better now!! 🥰🥰🥰
In my short marriage I didn't have visual bruises. All my bruises were hidden or not seen because he was mentally and emotionally abusive and controlling. Happy I got out of it within 2 years.
I'm sorry that it ended the way it did, but honestly my mind went to an even darker place when you said the unexpected happened or whatever and I'm so so glad that that was not what happened. I hope you're continuing to grow and be strong and happy and loved with your son and family. I wish nothing but the best for you, always and I'm sorry you even had to go through this. Thank you for sharing this with us, and I hope it can help someone else that it needs to reach.
I'm so sorry you went through all that, and just because you don't bruise easily doesn't mean what you went through isn't abuse. You definitely went through emotional, and physical abuse at the least. There also sounds like psychological abuse. I am glad you are free from all that now, and I hope you and your son are doing well
Thankyou for sharing your brave,,I had an abusive first husband,, controlling and making you feel your not enough,it was mental and physical,and also had affairs,, fortunately I had no children with him, Eventually I left him thank goodness,,,that was over 40 years ago,but you never forget that feeling of fear,I've been married to my 2nd husband now for many years and have 2 grown up children,He is a man ,no proper men abuse women they are just bullies and cowards,I'm glad you are ok now keep strong ❤❤❤
When you said your husband had died and you had lost the love of your life I was totally blown away. I will never ever ever ever understand how someone can love their abuser. I hope you are happy now and your children don!t have to grow up with an abuser.
I cannot believe how much love you guys have shown me on this video. I appreciate all of you telling me your stories and sharing with me ❤ it takes so much vulnerability to do that! I will be doing a follow-up video to this one soon.
If you are currently in this situation or know someone who needs help please reach out for help. (Easier said than done, I know.) ❤
DV hotline: 800-799-7233
Or text: 88788
I just watched your video here. I am hoping you are in therapy. If you aren't, please go. I can feel your pain and I can tell you are very far from being "over" that person and how you were treated. You may never be "over" it but you can feel better with help. Sometimes it just takes a very, very long time even with help. Sending happy vibes...
I know your pain I too was cheated on when I was pregnant!!! But I did have bruises just never called the cops!!! I was in my relationship for 16 years!!! Then one day my neighbor called the cops cause she was worried about me!!! And I left him after my stroke cause I was so tired of his shit always putting his hands on me!!!! He used to do this thing and grab my face super hard he even left bruises on my chin!!!
I know I need therapy just not sure where to go!!
A guy I was why afterwards told me you might have PTSD you should look into therapy!!!! But I never have
Iiii😊😊😊😅
I would wait until my husband was asleep and then would pack a box. Every night (and take it to storage on my work lunch hour the next day after hiding it in my trunk). Knowing that I was packing was the only way I could breathe.
I packed my whole house and he never noticed. And then I rented a house and called him and told him I was gone. He had been so so so emotionally abusive.
It was 15 years ago and I still wake up every morning with a grin on my face and joy in my heart. I left. I left. I left!!!!!
Your joy at your freedom is palpable. I am so happy for you and proud of you ❤❤❤❤❤❤😊😊😊😊😊
I can hear yr freedom. So well done
Great job, your secretive packing then moving. The 'rule' is, never tell the abuser you are leaving, because things can go very bad, really quickly.
Beautiful, moving in silence.
I had to wait 3 months to get my pay out before I could afford to leave my abusive husband. I was terrified the whole time but had no where to go. He had been breaking my possessions so I was afraid to go to a shelter because all of my belongings would be destroyed if I left them behind. So I bought 2 key locked door knobs and installed them on to the doors of 2 rooms and moved all my belongings in to those 2 rooms. I also slept there. Husband was furious and threatened to kick the door down. NONE of his possessions were in either room. I told him to go ahead and kick the door in and I would photograph the damage and present it in court and the judge would surely give me a much better settlement than what I had agreed to. It worked, and I got through those months and got my financial settlement. Seven years since I left and I would NEVER go back!!!!
Verbal abuse leaves no physical marks but leaves behind the kind of marks that last long after the person is gone!
Yep, sure does!!
Bruises fade, horrible things they say never really go away.
@@willieallan953 still dealing with the aftermath of extreme emotional abuse from my parents, and I am 63 years old. Invisible scars.😞 But it made me very sensitive to others feelings, I've always been very careful with my words, I don't ever want to hurt anyone, the way my parents hurt me.🥲💙
Let's take a moment for all the women & children devastated by men's violence. Especially those who were murdered 😢
Also women who are violent as well!
😢😢😢
Don't forget about the people in LGBTQ+ and poly relationships who experience abuse. There was a fatal case in my city a while back involving a lesbian couple.
Take a moment for the men that get abused too 😞
@@charminbutterfly32 Men are indeed more likely to be mentally abused.
Im 58 and your story was my story 35 years ago. I had 3 children and stayed 15 years. He went to prison for domestic violence against me and the kids and i left for good. I eventually got remarried and we never looked back. Your story resonated so much with me. You’re so strong. Thank you for sharing your story and letting people know these situations are more common than most people know❤
I was married for 13 years to an emotionally abusive man. We married when I was 19. In 13 years we lived in 11 places and he had 9 different jobs. We screamed at each other every single day. I brought him to the ER more than once to have wall plaster dug out of his fists. No one knew and they all thought we were the perfect couple. I was so insecure that I thought he was the best I deserved. He shoved me onto the bed hard and I hit my head on the footboard hard enough to cause a large lump. That was it. Somehow I knew that would have been the start of more. I’m now 67 years old and I remember the abuse like it was yesterday. Thankfully at 35 I found a man who treats me like gold. We’ve been married for 32 very happy years!
So happy you got away. I lived with that too and it took me 23 years total to get away from him/ Best decision I ever made. I also found my 2nd husband who has been the joy of my life!
@@deannarounds3295 thanks! I’m glad you’ve also found someone who respects you and keeps you happy!
But what if that doesn't happen, on finding a good person? N when I try n break up with him, he uses silent treatment as my punishment. Can't see my kiddos that I raised of his many years or the dogs we have. We live 40 minutes apart now. I then get so heartbroken. N call him n it repeats. I listen to him on everything. Idky. But I prob won't find anyone better n I'm the reason for everything. Why would anyone want me? I'm lucky to have him he says all the time. I got clean from drugs 6 months before I met him n it's like he's my drug now. I can't do anything without him but he won't help n do anything so I think why go thru the begging, he won't help fix say my tired. N I end up doing or figuring it all out myself after all that stress with begging for help which he won't do. I should know how to fix the water heater etc. I need to learn to love myself, hopefully Someday I will.
Sorry I'm rambling, basically I'm trying to say, I understand fully what uve been thru n how do u know ull find someone? I have a disease that I'm gonna start breaking bones more n more. I'm gonna need a lot of help n I can't put that on anyone. He doesn't do anything, he won't pick up my meds even if I've already paid for them so free, n also even if he's literally getting his meds right there. He'd rather I suffer.
@@7614Kids oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Please, please, please ask someone for help. I will pray for you to find peace and to learn to love and respect yourself. Be proud of your sobriety. That is a HUGE accomplishment that took incredible strength. Go to meetings, make friends keep positive thoughts and I’m sure you’ll succeed. 💛💛
I was raised by a horribly abusive Dad. He would use his fists , feet , 4 sided yardstick. My brother , sister , and I would get on the bus so absolutely bruised , big welts on our bodies that every bump the bus hit sent us all into extreme agony. I moved away from home at 17 cuz I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up getting married at 18 to an equally abusive man. I ended up bloodied and battered more than once a day. I was working at the local hospital as a CNA and after ending up in the ER several times was quickly let go. He was an alcoholic and without fail , every weekend he was arrested for various reasons. 4.5 years later he threw me out of the house that my 2 jobs paid all of the bills. He chased me half way down main street with a loaded shot gun pointed at the back of my head. Luckily the city cop was parked at the end of main street and quickly pulled up , threw me behind his door , pulled his gun on my then husband. After he had him face down on the street and in handcuffs , he unloaded the shot gun , and told me to run to my friends house and after he jailed him , he came to check on me. I filed for divorce the next day. A year later I met my present husband. He was an absolute God send. Almost 40 years later , we had 4 kids during the first 10 years , and now have 7 wonderful grandchildren. Leaving that abusive relationship was the best thing I ever did.
1:45
That is amazing!! I have not left yet but he went into jail. I am really struggling.
What hurts is when family members talk about how wonderful the ex is🤦♀️
Bc when you come from a narcissistic family you often end up in narcissistic romances too. You’ve learned to be blind to it. I really hope that isn’t your story. It’s mine and took me decades to figure my way out.
I remember being 8 and everyone in my family was talking about how great of a guy my abuser was. How they wish he were around and not me. Even my younger brother.
@@Caitlyn-n3d so sorry. That’s insidious!
Same🤦🏻♀️
My mother chose my abuser over me
I remember my abuse like it was yesterday. It’s been decades. I now know these guys NEVER change.
I agree. My ex I was with for 11 years. My family told me he changed and had gotten married. I was happy for him. But found out his marriage only lasted 1 and a half. So obviously, he didn't change.
I agree. Unfortunately, I can remember every detail. Some things just don’t leave me…
Most of them get worse rather than better.
When the people who love you tell you that the person you're about to make a commitment to is not what you think; listen to them.
That's a big problem. All too often they don't listen.They can't hear you.
3 days before I got married the first time my Mother asked me if I was sure and told me it was not too late to change my mind. I told her I loved him and knew what I was doing. (I was 21 and in a sexual haze!) I divorced him after being married over 20 years and it was hard and scary because I was stalked and threatened but I made it. Remarried a few years later and still married and it has been 22 year married plus 2 years lived together.
@karlareadstheclassics217 the abusers will do everything they can to make it seem like those who are speaking up are the wrong ones.
My best girlfriend was the ONLY PERSON who literally BEGGED me NOT to marry my narc husband
She pleaded over n over not to go through w the wedding but he had me n everyone fooled except her
(I didn’t understand why. N proceeded to marry him)
It is the absolute worse decision of my life
It’s been 38 years of marriage n I literally just learned FIVE years ago what the word narcissist meant
While dating I saw several behaviors that were unsettling n one that he promised to stop.
I was such a trusting person w everyone in general that I believed him
I had no idea he was from the beginning leading a nasty immoral pathological lying life n I was totally oblivious!!!!!
When my eyes were opened n I saw looked back n today I had to learn to forgive myself
Ive “developed “ quite a number of very serious health problems including trying to commit suicide
In 2013 he told me “im ok w u killing urself as long as u don’t do it violently”
Verbal mental emotional spiritual financial abuse but no physical abuse
The damage done by the above abuses have changed me completely
I use to be pretty (no bragging) but now I look haggard thinning hair overweight fatigue all the time lost my “personality” sense of humor etc
I don’t recognize the reflection in the mirror
Worst part?
He’s a minister
Everyone loves him
Thinks he so funny
Mask in public
No mask behind closed doors
Abuse every single day
No exaggeration whatsoever
Thank you for letting me share
What's even worse is when everyone else thinks the guy is so sweet and loving and takes such good care of you and you just want to scream out...how is everyone so blind. 😢
Exactly the same thing that happened to my dsughter. He was liked by everyone and nobody believed her. Even though seperated he still treats her very bafly
this was me with my ex, he is a very social person so when we broke up all his friends and everyone assumed I was at fault bc they didn't know what he put me through behind closed doors.
Exactly
@@outroseok same here
So true.
I never realized that DV could be emotional abuse until I was out of the relationship. No bruises either, just a decade of emotional abuse,gaslighting, and manipulation. Thankfully I’m in a much better place now ❤️
I worked in human services for 40 years and when I was in my late 30s I was sent to a training on emotional abuse and I sat there in that training going OMG he does that , I do that , WE do that! I could not believe it. Went to therapy alone because he would not go as there was nothing wrong with HIM. I did get away but it still took a few years. Best decision I ever made!
I am also a DV survivor. I don’t know if you will actually see this but I want to tell you with all of my being that I am SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU. People don’t know what to say when they hear these types of things… they don’t want to believe that it is possible. They secretly want us to be lying or exaggerating… because nobody wants to hear the truth. I hear you, I see you and I believe you ❤.
@ninijellybeanie6853, I agree with you 100%, coming from a dv survivor myself. Libby, I hear you in every way!! God bless you both.
@@LoriPlourde-vb1xs hugs to you!! ❤️
This 💯
After high school I moved in with a guy that was a manager for a company. Serious dv. I said I was moving out, and he killed my pets while I was at work. 30 years later, one night I had a knock at my door. ( my gramparent used to live here). I didn't recognize him till he said " I'm derek, I'm looking for lisa." I used to be really pretty with long hair. I now have short hair
Thank God he didn't recognize me, and thank God I don't turn on any porch or outside lights. It was so dark that he couldn't see my face! I tried to change my voice and said " she don't live here." He said " where does she live?" I said she moved out of town with her husband." I did a background check on him and found that he had been in prison for years for violating a restraining order and attempted murder on a girl. He never left a single bruise on me while we're together. But the terror and danger were level 10.
This abuse is very similar to those talking about narcissistic abuse. A strong connection and much support. In case you didn't know.
Some women fall for these men due to childhood abuse/trauma.
It’s like we grow so accustomed to abuse we accept it as normal.
No self-esteem at all.
Thinking it’s all we deserve and if we just try harder things will be different.
It even affects how we raised our own kids.
That control is crazy.
That is so true. 😢
Yes it's like it's written on your forehead you can treat me like crap it's OK iv been conditioned to it 😢 .like it's a Wright of passage 😢
If you are in a similar situation, make sure you have your important papers (birth certificate, social security card) in a safe place. When you leave, take those. Everything else can be replaced. I lost everything else, but I gained my life, my sanity and my self-respect. Cut off the relationship like major surgery. Escape to a better future.
Put your important documents in a safety deposit box in a bank that only you have a key to, preferably in an account that he doesn't know about (have an alternate address where the statements go, if possible).
I did cartwheels for you when you said he unalived himself. Never ever ever feel guilty about that or like it was in any way your fault. That ending wasn't unexpected at all. The surprise is that he didn't take the lives of you and your son before his own, which is what happens when they know they've lost control over you and you try to leave. You're free, and that is such an amazing gift. ❤
Sadly, it is not at all outside the realm of possibility that this could have been the outcome. How many women have their lives taken away in this exact same manner?
It’s a good thing he was so far away. These people know no boundaries, can’t respect yours and become vengeful when they lose control over their victims. They resort to all sorts of sadistic, manipulative and violent behavior, all while posing either as perfect husbands or victims to the outside world.
It’s a terrifying experience. I’m glad you survived this. The internal bruises are very difficult to heal. But as absurd as this will sound, it actually could have been worse.
Violence is not only physical, psychological violence is even more destructive...
Controlling behavior, insults that are thinly veiled become more open, your sense of self gets bruised and they take advantage of that. Thank God I got out
@@chrissy24-7 Me too
Don't forget financial abuse
@@mariesara mine was never physically abusive, and because of that, I stayed far too long. Once I was divorcing him, he chest butted me. It was in public, so did not go further than that. But that act was the key that completely released me.
Well said
Abuse can look so different than bruises. I struggled with that too.
First, congratulations for being brave enough to share. Second, I’m so proud of you for putting Kelly first.
You are NEVER, NEVER responsible for another persons actions. When someone you love so deeply hurts you so deeply it does something to the love you thought you shared. I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. We never had children. We moved a lot. He even went to prison and I would go every Sunday to visit, like a good little girl. But, one day I just walked away. Years later I ran into him at McDonald’s. I was with my now husband and two children. He told me he had cancer. I felt nothing. Later, when he died, I felt nothing. I didn’t go to the funeral. Didn’t give condolences to his family. Nothing. This was my very first love. I gave up everything for him. But, after 12 years I came to realize he didn’t give up anything. He didn’t love me. I’m sorry you had to live through this. Im sorry Kelly will never know his biological father. I never knew my biological father, either. But my Daddy that did love me, that gave me his last name, that raised me to be a strong independent woman was the best Daddy ever. And, I believe if Kelly gets the love and nourishment he needs from his father figure he will not become a statistic. Love and prayers to you both. ❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for sharing your story with me! 12 years is a long time, and I am beyond happy that you had the strength to walk away. That takes so much! Feeling nothing when your abuser passes is so normal. I felt so much shame for that, but it is incredibly valid.
I am glad that you had someone step in as a father and raise you. Watching kelly and colton bond just makes my heart so happy.
Hugs and love!! ❤️
This is so much more common than the typical "Bruises" abuse.
My ex husband was emotionally abusive, controlling, financially abusive...
I met him while we were serving in the Navy and moved from Rhode Island, where we had been stationed, to Virginia, his home state.
In Rhode Island, I should have seen the signs/red flags but ignored them. He didn't like me talking to other guys, even if they were in my unit.
We moved into our first apartment after he returned from a Med Cruise (six months at sea) and I was nearly seven months pregnant when he returned.
He was very kind and sweet while I was pregnant, but as soon as I went into labor is when the controlling and verbal abuse began in earnest.
In the hospital, I was in labor and he'd bark orders at me, expecting me to "hurry it up." Excuse me? Not like I had much of a choice here.
But it got gradually worse. It was stupid stuff at first, things I could easily ignore or shrug off.
It was when he was re-stationed outside DC and we moved to his home state of Virginia is when he became even more controlling.
We moved to his home town, over a two hour drive from his office. He cut off the Long distance telephone service (this was pre-cell phones and everyone had landlines) so I couldn't call my family or friends in Illinois. He refused to allow me to drive anywhere on my own. I had to call his mother or sister for rides.
When they finally convinced him to let me have my own car, he made sure it was a clunker that couldn't go far so I'd only be able to use it to run local errands.
He forced me to have a Naval doctor, not a local one that was over an hour and a half drive away. This also meant I couldn't set my own appointments because it was a long distance phone call.
He would shove me into walls, doors, onto the bed or sofa. He would grab my wrist, but in such a way that it didn't leave marks but I could not twist out of it.
He, at one point, actually said to me: "I'll never hit you where it will leave a mark so you can't prove it!"
Finally, after two years of this abuse, I caught him cheating on me. I kicked him out, told him to pack a bag and go stay with his mother.
Luckily I was on EXTREMELY good terms with my In Laws. They loved me but had no idea of what was going on.
When I kicked him out, I immediately called my father in law and told him why my husband was heading over.
My father in law was amazing. He told me to not be scared that he couldn't hurt me anymore.
A few days later I rented a moving truck and started packing up to leave. My father in law even came over to help. He told me: "Don't you worry, if he even tries to fight you for custody (of our two year old son) we'll fight him for custody and get him back to you where he belongs!"
Thankfully my In Laws were amazing people, salt of the Earth and I loved them dearly.
They helped me get out of that abusive situation with their own son!
I am so glad you had that support ❤
Sorry to hear you endured this trauma. You were fortunate he took his life or he might have taken yours and you get to raise your son in a positive environment! And you have moved on. I have being in your shoes...so I too say to others going through this, the exact same stuff you are telling..get out soon as possible, listen to your gut. Wishing you the best in your future.
@@karengrimshaw1414 He didn't take his life. He threatened to take mine! He shoved the end of the shotgun in MY mouth!
I pulled back and said: "You go right ahead and pull that trigger! You know what will happen next? You'd be put away for life in the brig (US Navy), your parents would disown you and you'd never see your son again! So, go right ahead! I've given up EVERYTHING for my son. I'd gladly give up my life to make sure you NEVER see him again!"
I don't know where that came from, somewhere deep inside me.
But he backed off and walked out the door.
I’m 66 years old and grew up with abusive parents. I was frequently bruised, but no one noticed. I will never understand how people can not notice.
They did notice , unfortunately they didn’t want to get involved.
I have wondered this myself. Only one time did I hear someone ( my dad's nephews wife) stand up to my dad. I spilled milk and he was berating and belittling me, with: verbal and emotional abuse. I was filled with shame ( not mine to carry) fear , embarrassed, and feeling very alone. She said , you shouldn't treat her like that. Being treated abusively, was the norm. I haven't seen Ellen , in decades . It takes courage to speak up and speak the truth about abuse. I think there's many reasons. One may be they also fear the abuser themselves. Another reason is they justify not speaking up or reporting it, by saying ,it's none of their business. It's a personal affair. Maybe , you want to stay on the good side of the abuser , because of an emotional investment, they offer you , something that's to your advantage , like: money, vacations, a pay check, friendship ,etc. Abusers don't abuse everyone . They have their scapegoat or victims . They can be charming , have an agenda, are charismatic , If your friends are with the abuser , then it's sad but others will not speak up for the victim. There's a duality going on.
I’m sorry that happened. Horrible. People look the other way. It REALLY bothers me that any mother would allow this to happen. I don’t care how poor you are, walk out. Start in a shelter and it will get better in time. Keep working toward independence. It’s always the better choice. Talking to those still in abuse.
We are all vulnerable to abuse. If it happens, tell someone right away. Do not hide it! Proud of you.
I was in an abusive marriage for 13 years . No one knew. He was very charismatic and had everyone convinced that if we had any problems in our marriage that they were because of me.
I am a survivor! U r a survivor! It's been 44 yrs and I thank God every day,every night that I was strong enough to leave with my 2 children and 8 months pregnant! U will b ok child! God bless and good wishes from Trinidad!
It seems that it’s that break from each other that allows you to step back and see what you have been accepting, without realizing how ugly things have become.
Well said. Your story is very much like mine, except you got out of it sooner. Mine was long ago. Thanks for putting out the message. I would just like to add: IF ONE STAYS, YOUR KIDS WILL BE DAMAGED. No matter how many things you engage them in, no matter how much love you give them, no matter how many excuses you make for daddy, no matter how many hoops you jump through. They WILL BE AFFECTED by disrespect and verbal, mental or physical violence. There's no such thing as making it up to them.
Unfortunately, you are right. I did everything I could to shield my children and give them the tools for life. All 3 have sought therapy and only one is doing ok but is on various medications to help.
@@G.G.8GG a lot of women leave then they have to send the kids to stay with the guy and then you don’t know what he’s doing to the kids.
@@susanq6398 Sorry to hear that ❤
You dodged a bullet from him. I was there and I am so proud of you facing it all!
There are ALWAYS SIGNS at the beginning….job loss, dragging you around/moving around, asking you to do sign a loan, etc are all signs of instability.
In other words, isolation.
When you are young and naive, you aren’t able to recognize it and even if you can, you’re “dumb” enough to believe their excuses.
@@jennyjones-tw5hp it’s not “dumb” it’s just lack of experience and you want to give them a 2nd chance.
@@elisabethkiesel4567 that’s why I put “dumb” in quotations. It’s figuratively dumb, because you don’t know what you don’t know.
in awe of your strength and bravery, little sister. i am married to a wonderful man, who was raised by his mother, who had been severely abused by his 2 step-dads. She made sure all of her 4 sons knew how she had been treated, and what she would do to THEM if they ever laid a hand on a partner. All of them have been model husbands and fathers who credit their mother's strength and example for the men they have become.
Recognized a lot of stuff from my first marriage. My current husband I remember when I was trying to juggle so many thing and get dinner made. He called me when I was picking up my daughter and I told him I was in my way home then I could get dinner started. He said “I can start dinner “ I just posed I think my mouth literally fell open. I had to tell him I guess you can boil water for the noodles. I didn’t mean to insult him I just never had help only criticism or if I did have “help” it came with so much emotional distress and energy it was just easier to juggle it all myself. Even asking him to take out the trash after I literally did everything else he was ask why I couldn’t do it. My husband now takes out the trash not only do I not have to break down crying, but I don’t even have to ask😮. It sounds sad when you say it out loud, but that was my life for years. And like you it was good in the beginning and I never had any physical bruises.
I am so happy that you got out of that marriage and found who you are with now! The whole narrative of your everyday life changes when they are gone. Not to mention, when you get into a healthy relationship, it is literally SHOCKING. You deserve someone who makes you feel less stressed, and you dont have to ask things of. I am so proud of you and i know out kiddos are happy to see us thriving in healthy relationships ❤️❤️
Thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
It amazes me people think DV is only physical. I survived verbal, emotional and mental/psychological abuse. As a writer, you understand the impact of words, tone of voice, even the looks from your partner.
When I got into a DV survivors’ group; the internal work within ourselves when things started to escalate was so helpful (and you mentioned that at points) and shifted the focus from him (narcissistic) to myself. I could not change him, but over time I began to change my response to him. I worked on me.
I eventually did get out with my son in a safe & non-violent manner. His behaviour towards me worsened in that he tried to maintain control, but he didn’t succeed.
Our son still loves us both and is grown now. It was tough for a while, but the more I saw my ex’s behaviour towards me, the better I felt about my decision to leave, so my son wasn’t exposed to a toxic home environment any more.
I used to work in a domestic violence shelter. It was so frustrating and difficult to witness women, with their children and some
without, still be in contact with their abusers, while seeking shelter away from them, only to return to them later. I’m so happy for your peace and willingness to be honest with the world, as other men and women need to be educated and see by your example that they can survive without that so called loving partner, and be 100 percent better off without the fear, conditional love and financial support. You did it and they too can do it. So happy for you and your child to be safe and free and learn that any kind of abuse is not be an acceptable way to live. Keep telling your story.❤
I want to leave but I can't work .I filed for disability but got denied. I don't know what to do. I have no family or support system.
@@jbeauty4150is there a shelter near you?
Did you ever think that because most of us don't know we've come down with Stockholm syndrome we reach out bust down doors and are turned away constantly and not believe so we turn back to the abuser did you ever think there's more behind it than your empty blanketed statement?
It's really sad that there's less shelters for women and men for abuse then there are shelters and places and resources for drug addicts and alcoholics that choose to do that to themselves because that's not disease and yet they get the world handed to them . Abused women and men have almost zero resources. The most important thing missing is the qualified shrinks that don't gaslight you when you finally reach out. Thus this kind of abuse has nearly no qualifications to treat these victims. Plus leaving that situation most of the time the shelters make u leave the animal behind which is slowly changing but not fast enough and the abuser always uses that animal and either kills it right in front of you or WORSE. I appreciate your thoughts and input but please if u had the experience with working with victims watch how u say what you say.
@@TheShizNat the shelters don't help. Even if they have space you get six weeks then you are out on your own. When I told them I don't have money they very snottily replied you can't get a job in six weeks? I'm disabled. I can't even work. But even if I could six weeks is nothing for getting a job, money and finding housing. It's a joke. The system cares less than your abuser. At least he puts a roof over my head.
You just told my story. To a tee!! All the way to the self harm! Except, my ex lived and tormented us for the next 12 years!! The ONLY reason he has stopped is because he lost one of his legs. These personality disorders are no joke!! They are scary, violent, vindictive and harmful!!! I’m so glad you and son didn’t have to endure anymore than you did. ❤
I’m sure his thinking was “I’ll make her sorry,” but the joke was on him. His last swing at manipulation was actually a gift of freedom.
I’m so glad you have found happiness and are healing from your bad relationship. 🙏
When i met my ex he had a story about how he did have his kids due to an accident that left him in the hospital for days. And he was trying to get them back especially after we got together cause i could help with the kids. I got pregnant and he was still using his other kids to manipulate me into being with him. One day when i was about 6wks he left for the day and my parents came to get me. When i got home he was messaging me saying he would use my depression to get custody of the baby when it was born. I couldnt bond with my child because i was afraid of losing this baby to him. I was around 4mos when i learned the abuse "his ex-girlfriend/kids mom" did to the kids was actually him confessing. And when i say it was bad i mean i dont know how hes not in jail. I also found out beside the 2 kids i knew about he had at least 3 others he was not involved with. My daughter is 7yo and im still terrified he will come around to try and take her.
My former husband was careful not to leave bruises in casually seen locations. Ie. My face, arms etc. He broke ribs. Leaving a damaged body...he almost killed me several times. In the last attack he was choking me and said "I "m going to kill you. " I believed him. He had me pushed back against the kitchen counter. I was able to reach behind me and grabbed a steak knife. I stabbed him. He stared screaming "You killed me!" I didn't. It was a superficial wound. I escaped. Divorce and a permanent restraining order against him was granted. I am lucky to be alive.
Omg how many of us ladies share this story? I got the smothering thing…. Covering my nose and mouth to the point of almost blacking out. Fractured ribs…things thrown at the pelvic region where no bruises were visible to an outsider. How can they live with themselves? Thankfully I was not physically harmed too much while pregnant but those poor little souls feel our trauma, I know they do. I endured a lot to try to shied my children but it would have been much better to leave and rebuild. Hindsight is 20/20. Love to all❤….
I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m a DV survivor, too. My story is similar to yours. I stayed for 25 years. I have been out for 6 years, and I’m still healing. When you are in the middle of all of it, you don’t see the toxicity. Thank you for sharing your story! It’s time to educate people on Domestic Violence. People need to know that abuse isn’t always physical. The emotional trauma is real. I wish you and your son healing, and happiness! ❤
Too many of us have had abusive partners!! Thank you for sharing your story, it was very brave of you!! I was young and dumb, but got out and now have a wonderful husband of 34 years.
Yes
No ones ever talked about it like this before. My ex too knew exactly how to hurt and terrify without ever leaving a mark. The eye contact. Daring me to leave…. Big hug from one survivor to another. I see you. ❤️
I’m really glad you’re here to tell everybody about it
Me too! thank you! ♥
@@SimplyLibbyt you’re most welcome. Best luck to you and your future hopefully it’s brighter than the past.
@@SimplyLibbyt how are you? I thought I would check up on you to see how you were.
My friend lives with an abuser and that just breaks my hart. Every time I remind her that she can take her 2 kids and come live with me for a while, but she's not ready to do that:( I hope, she will at some point. I'm so proud of you, girl. I know how difficult it was to leave him.
I hope she will do that too, when she feels it's safe and the right time to do so. She may need to make a plan. She's lucky for a patient friend like you. Some people give up. There are DV agencies that will help you help her make plans. (of course, calling 911 is first if it's an absolute emergency.)
@@carenlissner454 thank you so much. At the country where I live it's more complicated to get help, but I'll look up the options.
Please contact a domestic violence shelter. Tell them about your friend. They can help you figure out what you can do to help your friend. I would tell her she can leave an emergency bag at your place. She may have to leave with only the clothes on her and the kids backs. An emergency bag will have dental care, basic hygiene and maybe money or gift cards to Walmart. So she can buy supplies.
To know that you have a place to go makes all the difference. Just keep telling her she deserves better and that she has a place.
It’s incredible how almost identical our stories are! IDENTICAL! from talking keys, purse, phone, making threats, abuse in a way with no proof. Always had to be out, the pushing too hard.. getting pregnant when you were thinking of ending it. Almost everything!
I hope you got out safely and that you are safe with your baby now.
I’m a Libby too! I also had an abusive relationship. My first marriage and my son’s father, I too was young. I realize now 40 years later I have PTSD any arguments between a man and woman upset me more than it should.😮 It’s rough but I’m learning why it upsets me so and through the love of Jesus Christ I am healing!!
I’m so glad you shared this. Being bruised isn’t the only thing that means you’re abused. I’m sorry for your loss but thankful you are safe now.
Thank you Libby for sharing your story. I'm going to share this with my daughter whose going through her own ordeal with an mentally abusive man. The mixed feelings about his death you have are so understandable. I'm so proud you cared about yourself and your son enough to get out of that situation. You are an inspiration. ❤
I have experienced something similar. And I am still going through it even though I left the relationship. I am disabled, and so he has the kids and uses them as leverage. It's not even the times where he put his hands on me that bother me, but the manipulation, controlling, gaslighting, and the way he made me feel like my job was in Jeopardy because he wouldn't take me to work or watch the kids if I did something he didn't like. This kind of stuff is so disgusting and revolting, and yet it is so hard to describe two people who haven't experienced it
Amen...you don't need to exhibit bruises to have been in an abusive relationship. Thanks for sharing and helping people understand this!
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. You are wonderful and beautiful and your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful Mom! lotsa love. xoxo
Thank you soo much for being so kind!! ❤️❤️
I went through something very similar. The love bombing, the gas lightening, the emotional abuse, the financial abuse and the mental abuse. Physical abuse did happen but all the other abuse had a last effect on my mental health. I already had CPTSD and BPD I left with dependent personality disorder. I barely remember anything. It's a big blur. Longest 4 and half years ever.
Thank you for sharing this. I love you. I love your courage. So many of us hide our stories because we feel embarrassed or ashamed. And we aren't to blame for what happened to us.
❤️ thank you so much! I was so ashamed of my story for so long. But they hold so much power.
Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That…” & “When Dad Hurts Mom…” books really helped me understand the dynamic at hand and how to better protect my daughter and I. We were never hit either, but on the other end of a list of other abusive behaviors too. There is hope to not internalize an abusive person’s abuse.
He was a sociopath with narcissistic traits as narcissism is part of the sociopathic makeup. My dad is a professionally diagnosed sociopath who has abused his way through 3 wives and gone to prison for sexual abuse of a minor twice. I was his first daughter and victim, but back in the 70s the police simply said it was a domestic affair, thus did nothing. Laws changed by the time he exploited a step daughter in 1990.
Being charming and mirroring his victim of choice is a part of the oackage. Once they have properly caught and secured their victim then they begin breaking them down. I believe this is why the abuse ramps up once we are pregnant.
My mom has BPD with covert Narcissistic traits.
I grew up an emotional train wreck thus rejected all opportunities for a relationship with non abusive young men (they felt boring to me) and thus married a guy and experienced a relationship similar to the one described in this video, sans the obvious cheating. I'm confident my ex spouse did cheat but not in the blatant manner of this guy. But the abuse cycle hits very close to home.
My escape came after a 7 year path of emotional healing on myself. I first had to grieve the pain and trauma of my childhood and continue on a path of becoming independent with some self confidence until I was emotionally self secure enough to leave.. I made my final escape after 17 years of marriage.
Praise the Lord you got your son safe
“We need to stop normalizing that (constant arguments)”…..Amen!
Thank you for sharing!! Our stories are “all the same” with different details.
I'm so glad you have found a partner who loves you. My childhood was traumatic because my mother remarried a narcissistic b@*$t@rd and never left him.😢
Oh Libby. I just watched your video 😢. I want to give you a big hug. I admire your strength.
I am 4 and a half years out of a narcissistic marriage. We don't see the red flags in the beginning because they are so good at what they do but they can't keep the facade up forever, that is when we start seeing the red flags but their manipulation has you questioning your own sanity. Whenever I questioned my husband about his cheating, I also got the response "you've been having another one of your bad dreams".
So yes, I felt your pain. Keep your videos coming, you are amazing ❤️
Thank you Libby for sharing this. Abuse is abuse. You were physically, emotionally, socially, financially, abused. Bruises or no, physical harm or no, abuse is abuse.
Also please forgive me for saying so, but if you never went to a memorial service for your abuser, never saw an obituary, etc., wouldn't it be possible his friend lied that he died? In my experience suicidal threats from the likes of him are empty threats and they are there to make the victim feel guilty and responsible for the other person's happiness. When you told your story, i couldn't help but wonder if this was a lie to get him out of being a father to your child. And an attempt to make you feel bad for not complying with his unreasonable demands. A parting shot. But also a way to hurt you even worse if he shows up again later demanding anything like custody or visitation. Again, forgive me. I've simply seen some crazy shit out here and wanted to clue you in to the idea just in case. You may have direct evidence of his death which would make this speculation ridiculous.
Regardless of all that paranoid nonsense of mine, you are a strong person and a survivor. Plus you are a fun and vibrant person. Dont give up - you are worth it all!
You are so brave 👏🏻👏🏻👍 and no doubt you help people by sharing. This is the second video of yours I’ve watched, I do hope you are still happy with your friend.
I have physical and emotional scars and I have found nearly 50 years later that many people knew something was wrong but did nothing to stop it. This channeled my whole life. I have feared relationships because I was afraid of getting hurt again. Nobody did a damn thing
Having been on the receiving end of both types of abuse, I can tell you a million years later, the words have stayed with me. You’re worth so much more, getting out can seem impossible, but you can do it. Even if you pack one item at a time, make a plan to get away. Even if you have to leave with nothing but the clothes on your back ❤️ There’s organisations that can help you 🙏
I always said if he had hit me I would have been gone but did not recognize the emotional and mental abuse for years. I kept thinking I could fix it. I was so very wrong.
I’m so sorry for what you went through. Sharing your story will help others.
I agree Jane. I felt so alone going through it & I was out of state from my family. When I did come back to my state, it got worse & the police didn't believe me... You are right. Thanks, take care.
Thankyou for sharing your story. I work with women survivors and am so grateful to be able to help them in the healing and moving forward process. I am always in awe of the strength these women have to be able leave, to save their lives and their children's lives. I've worked with women who have had boiling oil poured over them, stabbed, violently raped, kicked to within an inch of their lives. The horror stories I hear break my heart, fuel my anger, and disgust to know a human can inflict so much pain to another. I am also so proud of these women for gaining strength when often they have no family or social networks, but they are surviving regardless of the physical and emotional scars. And for those who can't escape I pray they find a way out before their lives are taken. So to all the women out there, PLEASE find strength, remember your worth, you can and you will survive. My love to all women survivors and those just surviving, day by day, living in toxicity until they have the opportunity to get out. ❤❤
He was jealous of the newborn. That's probably why he wasn't there the first three days snd why he ridiculed how you cared for the baby. He saw you were a good momma. 🙂 You are a strong woman. I hope you know that!❤
That’s exactly what I thought: jealous of the baby!! And perhaps punishment for giving the baby any attention at all, “at his expense” on top of that.
I kid you not: my narcissistic sociopathic ex told me flat out, as I was bathing my son, that HE should be my priority (as opposed to the baby) and that if it wasn’t for HIM, my son wouldn’t exist. How psychologically disturbed do you need to be to suggest neglecting a child over a full grown adult’s need for validation??
I seriously had NO answer to that when he blurted out the words, all I could think about was “he can’t be serious”.
But he was. And the months that followed were nothing short of pure vengeful evil emotional and psychological torture, threats (against me implied and otherwise), threats to unalive himself just to see how I would react and much more. All culminating in PA, which was when I left.
I think the issue with these men is twofold. Firstly, they can’t bear the feeling of not being the center of our world after the birth of a child. Secondly, if they were brought up by an abusive, narcissistic mother themselves, they don’t have a frame of reference for a child actually being loved and cared for. So when they see it and this is the very behavior they are trying to have focused back on them, it creates insane jealousy towards the child. Not only did they not get it from their mothers, but now you’re giving it to someone else.
That’s my best shot at an explanation (NOT justification) on why they get so jealous when a child is born. It took me a while to wrap my mind around the fact that while I could have sympathy for how he was abused as a child, that did NOT excuse his abuse towards anyone as an adult. Many children who are brought up in very abusive environments grow up to be decent, kind, generous and empathetic adults. It’s a mistake to think that people are either victims or abusers. These things aren’t mutually exclusive.
A father who can’t even stand being around his own newborn for 3 days after birth is not even a walking red flag anymore. This is a deep level of emotional abuse, to leave your wife, a first time mother no less, completely abandoned after delivering. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to me too. I pray to God that every woman here who has been victimized by these disturbed individuals can find enough healing and peace.
I was 14 he was 16. Soo charming. My family tried to make me see reason. Very cunning I didn't listen I was snared. 51 years later I got educated in Narrisism. I do my best to heal but I've lost my life to coercive manipulation. You are young and time is on your side, move forward in your own time there no time limit on healing. ❤
You poor girl. What a terrible experience. Most of us have no idea what's going on behind other closed doors. Well done for speaking out. Well done for getting through it all and still having a beautiful smile for the world.
I'm so proud of you in finding courage in sharing your story which will help so many people that are being abused as well as healing your wounds by telling your story 🙏🙌🙏 I to survived an abusive marriage back in the 80's when people NEVER talked about this. It was hell living with him and hell living without any support from family and friends BUT that made me stronger 💪 💯 I found this amazing counselor that helped me to heal my wounded self for 3 years which saved my life. I then met my beloved present husband and have two children together. We live a magical existence together ❤️
The day I escaped was the day I saved my life 🙏
I'm so sorry you experienced the abuse and the ultimate abandonment of suicide - but I fully get your relief and the space to be yourself and a good mom to your son.
I was just watching your testimony about your ex-husband. It brought tears to my eyes. It’s so true that hurting people hurt people.. I’m so sorry that it ended so tragically but that you and your son are OK today with someone wonderful in your life. I just started watching you a couple of times now. I watched about a week ago when you and your son got that small Christmas tree. It was the sweetest video I had seen in so long. Some of us decorate all the different rooms and has to be a perfect looking tree, etc.,, when you showed so many How sweet it was to shop for that little tree with your son and the joy he had decorating it with you. The love you showed him just the two of you being together was so sweet. It touched my heart. May God continue to bless you today and always❤❤
I am so sorry you went through that. You were manipulated so much. It’s a lot to take in.
I'm so sorry that you went through this. Thank you for not giving all the brutal details. God bless you, sweetheart. ❤
I'm working to heal my insecure attachment style, and so many people who don't get out of these situations also struggle to believe they are worthy of love.
I'm sending prayers that you will continue to find healing.❤🙏🏻
I am so glad you are here to tell your truth. I watched my daughter go through it. Oh she would not tell me or confirm but i felt something was very wrong. It escalated to him having a gun to her head. And he was a correctional officer. Well he screwed up and is serving 9 years in prison. She is now very happy and married to a good man. It took time but she is doing great. I pray that for you
Thank you for sharing your story. I also survived a very abusive relationship (married). So much of what you said took me back to that horrible time in my life. I survived and although it was hard raising 3 children on my own, I've been grateful to have made it out alive. I know he would have done something to me. I remember waking up at night to find him standing over me with a knife in his hand.
You are a survivor too. I wish you healing and happiness.
Oh my Goddess 😭you are such an amazing inspiration person. It is so hard to know how the abuser would put your life in a dark place. I lost my sister with domestic violence. Still this day it really hurts me never heal from the trauma. I am glad you moved on, as the same time all the feeling you felt is valid.
May God heal your heart and give you a purpose to help others to be more aware of the toxic relationship.
So many of us have been through something similar to this, bruises or no. Thank you for being brave and kind enough to share your story. There are so many people out there now going through this that need to know that they are not alone. You are truly an inspiration.
I read in a 1991 study that the third leading cause of death for a psychopath is self deletion. First and second were equally red rum or accident.
It’s been over a decade since I read the study, but they went onto explain that since psychopaths don’t have attachment and empathy. If they get back into a corner, they just push game over….. there are many reasons for self deletion but psychopath and borderline often do it As a disgusting last gaslight.
Thank you for sharing. Your story is very similar to mine. God bless you for your bravery and sharing and I wish you the best life for you and your child and your boyfriend.
I just found your channel. Oh boy, I am so sorry what you went through. I am so glad you are safe and happy. Just by the way you speak, you seem a beautiful soul. Love and best wishes to you and your family💞
Libby, you need to look at where you are now. See how strong you are. Never go back. Repair yourself. It may take a longtime. You need to value yourself. I stayed in a relationship, believed in marriage. My mother passed comment to me one day, when she was visiting. She told me he was so charming, but if you think he’s fooling me, or I don’t see what you’ve become, you are mistaken. It was like I needed permission to get the hell away from him. She said my sons were learning this is acceptable for men to treat women like this. My daughter would think his behaviour was right. Having children will not help you with a narcissistic psychopathic personality.
My ex-husband used to say that because he didn't punch me in the face, it wasn't abuse. I left him 20 years ago. The mental and emotional abuse still creeps up on me from time to time. The worst part of it all is he loved to slp me in my left ear. He destroyed my equilibrium in that ear. Long-term results of that, I am now disabled and no longer allowed to drive! Due to the balance and distance issues, I have suffered more than 40 concussions. I have permanent brain damage.
I was just watching your testimony about your ex-husband. It brought tears to my eyes. It’s so true that hurting people hurt people.. I’m so sorry that it ended so tragically but that you and your son are OK today with someone wonderful in your life. I just started watching you a couple of times now. I watched about a week ago when you and your son got that small Christmas tree. It was the sweetest video I had seen in so long. Some of us decorate all the different rooms and has to be a perfect looking tree, etc.,, when you showed so many How sweet it was to shop for that little tree with your son and the joy he had decorating it with you. The love you showed him just the two of you being together was so sweet. It touched my heart. May God continue to bless you today and always❤❤ PS by sharing your testimony you’re going to help so many others that maybe are in the same situation right now that you were in. I know it’s hard to share such personal things, but if you can help someone else you’re doing such a wonderful thing by sharing.
Bless your heart- I agree-domestic violence is abuse in all forms - I won’t deal with a relationship because I remember the horrible feelings of being trapped
Congratulations on getting out. I'm so glad you have found somebody good now.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been through abusive relationships. It still affects me . I'm here for you. You are not alone.
I'm so glad you got out. Thank you for sharing your story.
When you said your thoughts were
"I'm a single mom, what am I supposed to do ?"
" You're supposed to LEAVE !
That's what you're supposed to do."
That made me cry. I didn't have a job, '"What am I supposed to do?" And I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what was happening. I stayed partly out of embarrassment. Dumb reason to stay.... I always pretended everything was fine, because if we ended up staying together, I didn't want everyone to hate him..... So dumb
When I went to a friend's house, he literally showed up and took my car keys and dragged my suitcase and all of my stuff back to his car and to his apartment.... Ugh anyway too many triggery stories from DV to tell.
( I'm glad he was rude to you at delivery because it helped your decision to end it. )
It took me several times of trying to leave, and him gaslighting me to give another chance, before I stayed out for good.
I'm so proud of you and glad you have a kind person to be with now ! ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing your story. Its so hard to revisit those memories.
Im so glad that is not your life anymore. Theres no dumb reasons to why you did what you had to do to survive. ❤️❤️
You have no idea how much I needed to hear this thank you ❤ I’m also a survivor of domestic violence and also had no bruises thank you and I am so sorry for what you went through sending you love and healing ❤
You are such a strong young woman. Thank you for sharing your story. One thing you said that really stands out: Don’t invalidate yourself; it’s just their voice in your head and it’s bullshit. That is spot on. ❤
I lived it. He ended himself. I live the post feelings. Sending you healing. Thanks for sharing.
I really admire you. You have suffered so much. You have an inner strength that you don't realize you have. You are ready to actually enjoy the ride. The uphill climb is over.
Do NOT feel sad about his suicide! I went through something similar, although , as far as I know, he’s still alive. It’s been 38 years and I still have nightmares. I had two sons from a previous marriage and he took advantage of how bad I felt about myself from the divorce. We had a son together who he used as a weapon when I didn’t do what he wanted me to do. I finally had enough and went to a community college to get a better education so I could get a good job. Obviously, my being independent didn’t go over very well. He would use his middle finger and poke me in the middle of my breasts where no one could see. I moved out with my 11 year old son(my other sons had joined the service and were gone). I got a good job and put my son through college. We are strong and resilient!
A lot of this mirrors my 18 yr marriage. Newly divorced in my 60’s but enjoying my life now. I had to get an harassment order in place to leave which made it easier to start the healing process. Thank you for sharing.
You are a strong amazing woman. I also survived domestic violence. It's been 6 years now . I will Pray for you and your son.
One of the benefits of getting older is that I would have zero guilt for feeling relieved that he’s gone. Hands down. Better for your son to be sad over the loss of his dad than to be damaged every day of his young life by an abusive man. Set boundaries early and often and watch his reaction. It’s the best way to know his true character.
Im glad I see a video that mentions the gaslighting and everything. Most of my stuff was all of that and I constantly told people I'd rather be hit than mentally, emotionally, gaslit, etc
The amount of times I wanted to unalive myself and even had plans in place at one point....a few times were impulses though, and im surprised I didn't (obviously) end up doing it.
I hope you're doing better now!! 🥰🥰🥰
Hopefully this comment doesn't get deleted 😅
In my short marriage I didn't have visual bruises. All my bruises were hidden or not seen because he was mentally and emotionally abusive and controlling. Happy I got out of it within 2 years.
I'm sorry that it ended the way it did, but honestly my mind went to an even darker place when you said the unexpected happened or whatever and I'm so so glad that that was not what happened. I hope you're continuing to grow and be strong and happy and loved with your son and family. I wish nothing but the best for you, always and I'm sorry you even had to go through this. Thank you for sharing this with us, and I hope it can help someone else that it needs to reach.
I'm so sorry you went through all that, and just because you don't bruise easily doesn't mean what you went through isn't abuse. You definitely went through emotional, and physical abuse at the least. There also sounds like psychological abuse.
I am glad you are free from all that now, and I hope you and your son are doing well
Girlll i thought i was alone. I am still with him. I feel so many emotions. Listening to you did make me feel valid. Thank you
Thankyou for sharing your brave,,I had an abusive first husband,, controlling and making you feel your not enough,it was mental and physical,and also had affairs,, fortunately I had no children with him, Eventually I left him thank goodness,,,that was over 40 years ago,but you never forget that feeling of fear,I've been married to my 2nd husband now for many years and have 2 grown up children,He is a man ,no proper men abuse women they are just bullies and cowards,I'm glad you are ok now keep strong ❤❤❤
When you said your husband had died and you had lost the love of your life I was totally blown away. I will never ever ever ever understand how someone can love their abuser. I hope you are happy now and your children don!t have to grow up with an abuser.
You are a beautiful person. Thank you for caring enough about others to share this. DV does look VERY different in real life than on TV.
You’re so brave, Thank you for sharing your story. You’re going to help so many people!